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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, what I'm more inclined to suggest is that we

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Speaker 2: look at our little one and we say, sometimes it

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Speaker 2: feels like things aren't quite fair, doesn't it, and give

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Speaker 2: them a great big hug and say what do you

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Speaker 2: think we can do?

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Speaker 1: And now here's the scars of our show. My mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 2: Hello, welcome to the Happy Family's podcast. I'm doctor justin course.

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Speaker 2: I'm here with my wife Kylie. We are parents of

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Speaker 2: six children and soon to be parents of one grand baby.

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Speaker 2: Very excited about that. We have some big parents, grandparents,

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Speaker 2: I said, grandparents. I hope I grandparents. Maybe I did.

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Speaker 2: I apologize if that caused in a confusion. We were

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Speaker 2: about to become the We're about to become the parents

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Speaker 2: of a soon to be parent. How's that? Yeah, Okay,

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Speaker 2: we are parents of a soon to be parent. Let's

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Speaker 2: move on.

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Speaker 3: The kids are actually talking to me about this the

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Speaker 3: other day, and they said, do you realize that you

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Speaker 3: have three adult children, You're going to be grandparents to

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Speaker 3: one grand baby. You have four children who almost have

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Speaker 3: their license. She was just it was really blowing her mind,

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Speaker 3: and she said, and very soon, there's only going to

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Speaker 3: be three kids in the house.

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Speaker 2: Only three kids in the house. Some parents are hearing

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Speaker 2: that right now and going only three, only three? What

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Speaker 2: does it even mean.

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Speaker 3: Except for the big kids keep coming home.

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Speaker 2: It's a nice segue actually into the question that we've got.

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Speaker 2: Every Tuesday we answer a listener question, and we try

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Speaker 2: to keep them as broad in general as we can

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Speaker 2: so they apply to as many people as possible, and

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Speaker 2: this one applies to everyone who has more than one child.

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Speaker 2: It comes from Julia, who says, high Team, I love

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Speaker 2: the podcast so much helpful information. I'm going to just

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Speaker 2: jump in here. There is so much helpful information in

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Speaker 2: this podcast. Can I recommend if you love the podcast,

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Speaker 2: that you go right back and listen from the beginning.

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Speaker 2: We've got eight hundred.

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Speaker 3: Just from one hundred and thirty four.

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Speaker 2: Okay, that's when you join this and you're so funny.

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Speaker 2: Just listen to the ones that I'm in. Don't worry

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Speaker 2: about the ones before that, but the once before that

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Speaker 2: were too gosh. Okay, well, this is the podcast for

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Speaker 2: the time poor parents. So I'm going to get on

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Speaker 2: with Julia's question. Now that I've mentioned that people will

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Speaker 2: make their family happier if they listen to every episode

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Speaker 2: of the podcast from one all one thirty four you decide.

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Speaker 2: The email goes on to say the other evening, my

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Speaker 2: Miss nine told me she feels like Habby and I

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Speaker 2: love mister six more than her. We're dealing with favoritism.

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Speaker 2: She said that she gave a few examples as to why,

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Speaker 2: such as we spend longest saying good night to him.

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Speaker 2: As she's getting older, I've been raising my expectations of her.

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Speaker 2: I expect her to be more responsible for herself, while

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Speaker 2: Mister six sometimes still needs a bit more help. Anyhow,

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Speaker 2: I thanked her for being brave in sharing her feelings,

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Speaker 2: and I reassured her that we love her just as

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Speaker 2: much as him and that we would be more aware

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Speaker 2: of how she's feeling. Now I'm really conscious of everything

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Speaker 2: I do or say with them both. How do you

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Speaker 2: get the balance here? Because, of course we do love

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Speaker 2: them as much as one another. Favoritism? Who's your favorite?

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Speaker 2: We have six daughters? Which one do you love the most?

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Speaker 3: Oh, everybody knows the answer to that one.

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Speaker 2: What is the answer to that one?

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Speaker 3: Who is it?

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Speaker 2: That's what I'm asking you. I'm asking you who I

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Speaker 2: asked you first? Who do you love the most?

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Speaker 3: I don't love anyone the most, but I definitely you.

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Speaker 2: Love them all just as much as one another. Is

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Speaker 2: that what you're saying?

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Speaker 3: No, I love them differently, right, And that's the truth.

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Speaker 3: There's a different relationship that grows over time with each child.

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Speaker 3: They're different people. How could I possibly love them all

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Speaker 3: the same?

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to say that love must be unconditional.

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Speaker 2: If it's conditional, it's not love, it's a reward, it's

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Speaker 2: some kind of attentional thing. But love must be completely unconditional.

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Speaker 2: So obviously we know this. As parents, we try our hardest.

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Speaker 2: But even if you love your children all the same,

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Speaker 2: sometimes it's pretty easy to show preferential treatment to one

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Speaker 2: or the other, or to let the kid that the

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Speaker 2: kids can develop a sense that they are loved more

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Speaker 2: or less than their siblings. And that's where the real

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Speaker 2: challenge comes in.

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Speaker 3: I know that you don't believe in love languages, and

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Speaker 3: I'm not suggesting that there's a lot of.

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Speaker 2: What I say with the love language is there's limited,

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Speaker 2: if any, science to support the five love languages. I

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Speaker 2: don't mind the concept so much. But I think that

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Speaker 2: there's more important things that we can concentrate on.

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Speaker 3: But there are definitely certain ways or certain activities that

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Speaker 3: I do with different children that leave them feeling more seen,

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Speaker 3: heard and valued, get more loved, more time togetherness than

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Speaker 3: other children.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, that's fine, but that's not necessarily a love language.

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Speaker 2: That's simply recognizing that you can be responsive to the

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Speaker 2: things that light up that child and you're aware of

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Speaker 2: what makes them feel good.

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Speaker 3: So, in and of itself, it's a language, right.

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Speaker 2: Let's not get caught up in the semantics of it.

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Speaker 2: There are a number of things that we need to

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Speaker 2: talk about when it comes to favoritism.

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Speaker 3: I listened to a small video the other day was

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Speaker 3: actually by a teacher, and she's teaching empathy in the classroom.

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Speaker 3: But the way she did it, I think is beautifully

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Speaker 3: depicted in this context. So she gets the class sitting

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Speaker 3: down and she says to them, has anyone ever hurt

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Speaker 3: their elbow before? And a few kids put their hands up,

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Speaker 3: and she said, oh, she said, that must have hurt.

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Speaker 3: And she lets them tell her about the experience of

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Speaker 3: hurting their elbow, and so she gives them a band

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Speaker 3: aid she said, can I put a band aid on

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Speaker 3: your elbow? And they say, yeah, that'd be great, and

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Speaker 3: they sit down, and then she says, has anybody hurt

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Speaker 3: their knee before? And she talks about as she lets

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Speaker 3: a child acknowledge and talk about hurting their knee, and

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Speaker 3: then she says, let me put a band aid on

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Speaker 3: your elbow. And the kids are kind of I mean,

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Speaker 3: these are five and six year olds, but they're kind

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Speaker 3: of looking at her like, h why hanging a sad?

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Speaker 3: Why are you doing that? And she said, there you go.

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Speaker 3: That feels better, doesn't it. She lets them sit them down.

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Speaker 3: She says, what about has anyone stubbed their toe? And

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Speaker 3: so she goes through a few different things of things

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Speaker 3: that have happened, and each time she puts a band

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Speaker 3: aid on their elbow right, and by now the kids

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Speaker 3: are kind of like, what's going on? And she said,

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Speaker 3: did anybody notice what I did? And they all said,

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Speaker 3: you put band aids on elbows and she said, yeah,

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Speaker 3: but did it work? You know, did it help? And

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Speaker 3: they were like, no because I hurt my toe, or

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Speaker 3: no because I hurt my knee. And she was then

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Speaker 3: able to talk to them about the fact that there

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Speaker 3: isn't one blanket way to work with challenges that some

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Speaker 3: children hurt their elbow and they need a specific way

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Speaker 3: of being helped, or they need specific time together. But

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Speaker 3: other children hurt their knee and they don't need the

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Speaker 3: same help as a band aid on an elbow. They

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Speaker 3: need something for their knee. And when you think about

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Speaker 3: favoritism and a child who's going hang on a sec

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Speaker 3: you love him more because you do this than this.

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Speaker 3: But that might be something that that child actually needs

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Speaker 3: where she doesn't need that specific thing, she needs something else.

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Speaker 3: And helping our children have perspective to recognize, like if

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Speaker 3: I had to divide my time and go, okay, you

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Speaker 3: get thirty minutes of my time and you get my

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Speaker 3: thirty minutes of my time. And what I'm hearing from

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Speaker 3: this mum is that she's now so conscious of what

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Speaker 3: she does, she's actually will lose the integrity in her

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Speaker 3: ability to be with each of the children in natural

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Speaker 3: ways as a result of that over consciousness of spending

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Speaker 3: time together. But if we can help our children recognize

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Speaker 3: that a four year old needs more help with X,

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Speaker 3: Y and Z than a six year old does. But

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Speaker 3: I do these things with you because this is what

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Speaker 3: you need. This is how I'm able to spend time

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Speaker 3: with you and show love to you. That might just help.

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Speaker 2: From a research point of view, what I'm going to

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Speaker 2: highlight is that favoritism has been shown to have detrimental effects.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes favoritism is absolutely explicit. Parents can sometimes do and

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Speaker 2: say some terrible things when it comes to demonstrating favoritism

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Speaker 2: intentionally to either try to motivate better behavior in the child.

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Speaker 2: That's not the quote unquote favorite Favoritism is really about

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Speaker 2: showing preferential treatment to one child over another. And there

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Speaker 2: are some children who are simply easier to get along with.

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Speaker 2: There are some children who are less challenging, and therefore

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Speaker 2: we may tend to even unconsciously and unintentionally preference them

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Speaker 2: over others. We smile at the more, we speak in

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Speaker 2: softer tones, We turn our body towards them when they're talking.

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Speaker 2: We are more attentive. We're more inclined to help. We're

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Speaker 2: more inclined to say yes when they ask for something.

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Speaker 2: Whereas the children that we understand less, the children who

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Speaker 2: challenge us that little bit more, we're more inclined to

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Speaker 2: say no. Keep our sentences short and Curt tend not

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Speaker 2: to make as much eye contact, that kind of thing,

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Speaker 2: and the kids pick up on this.

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Speaker 3: They real is that because the kids that we actually

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Speaker 3: lean towards have learned the art of people pleasing.

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Speaker 2: Well, it could be, but more often than not, I

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Speaker 2: think that it's probably a bidirectional thing. The kids that

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Speaker 2: are easier to deal with, we tend to be nicer

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Speaker 2: towards them. The kids that were nicer towards tend to

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Speaker 2: be easy to deal with, So it's sort of works

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Speaker 2: both ways. I think that when it comes to this

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Speaker 2: particular question that's come through from Julia, I don't think

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Speaker 2: that there's any intentional favoritism going on here at all.

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Speaker 2: What's really happening is we've got a child who's a

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Speaker 2: little bit sensitive, who's struggling a little bit, and who's saying,

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Speaker 2: hang on, this doesn't feel like this is the same.

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Speaker 2: And I guess this comes down the whole thing where

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Speaker 2: we talk to the kids about how as you said,

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Speaker 2: just because they got thirty minutes doesn't mean that you're

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Speaker 2: going to get thirty minutes. You're going to get what

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Speaker 2: you need when you need, and they're going to get

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Speaker 2: what they need when they need. It, and we're going

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Speaker 2: to do our best to be responsive to and supportive

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Speaker 2: of your needs. Favoritism is definitely, definitely something to avoid,

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Speaker 2: and what we really want to do is work out

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Speaker 2: how we can engage with our kids. Ultimately, if I

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Speaker 2: have a close look at the wording of this email

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Speaker 2: from Julia, ultimately what I think is Miss nine just

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Speaker 2: doesn't feel seen, hurt and valued in the same way

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Speaker 2: that she perceives that mister six is. Does that make sense,

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Speaker 2: of course.

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Speaker 3: And that's what I was acknowledging. He's six, Yeah, so

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Speaker 3: his needs are actually a little bit bigger.

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Speaker 2: He probably needs a band aid on his toe and

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Speaker 2: on his knee and on his elbow because.

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Speaker 3: Of his age, because of his developmental stages, and helping

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Speaker 3: her to feel secure in her relationship with mom and

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Speaker 3: dad is really important. But what she needs is different

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Speaker 3: to what he needs.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And to me, the easiest way to work through

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Speaker 2: this with the nine year old is probably not to

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Speaker 2: get completely logical, because it's sort of boring for a

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Speaker 2: nine year old to have a logical conversation about favoritism.

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Speaker 2: And no matter how much you try to reassure and

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Speaker 2: say you know what, I love, you just as much

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Speaker 2: as your little brother. There's part of her that's going, well,

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Speaker 2: you're saying that, but everything i'm seeing is making me

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Speaker 2: feel the way that i'm feeling, and everything that I'm

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Speaker 2: feeling is running counter to what you're saying right now.

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Speaker 2: So trying to argue and prove that they're wrong and

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Speaker 2: we're right doesn't tend to lead to the outcomes that

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Speaker 2: we're looking for. Or what I'm more inclined to suggest

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Speaker 2: is that we look at our little one and we say,

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Speaker 2: sometimes it feels like things aren't quite fair, doesn't it,

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Speaker 2: and give them a great big hug and say, what

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Speaker 2: do you think we can do? So, in other words,

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Speaker 2: step into a sort of an explore, explain, empower situation.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes I can see that you feel like we preference

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Speaker 2: your little brother over you. I promise you we don't.

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Speaker 2: But what can we do to help you to know

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Speaker 2: that we love you just as much as we love him.

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Speaker 2: And when you empower them your brainstorm together, you come

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Speaker 2: up with a solution together. It's amazing how quickly and

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Speaker 2: easily this whole thing can be resolved through validation and

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Speaker 2: through empathy.

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Speaker 3: One of the things that we have been really good

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Speaker 3: at different times in our family life is just having

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Speaker 3: one on one time with the kids, you know, mummy

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Speaker 3: daughter to day, it's daddy daugh to day. Yeah, and

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Speaker 3: the kids love it because it's absolutely concentrated, specific time

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Speaker 3: with them doing something they love.

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Speaker 2: Perfect. Perfect. So, Julia, we really hope that there's some

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Speaker 2: useful answers there. Stay away from favoritism, not that you

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Speaker 2: were heading down that path when the perception of favoritism exists,

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Speaker 2: though that is also something to avoid because the kids

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Speaker 2: can get caught up in it. We hope that these

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Speaker 2: ideas will guide you down a pathway of non preferential

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Speaker 2: treatment of kids from your perspective and from theirs. The

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Speaker 2: Happy Family's podcast returns tomorrow with a conversation that I

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Speaker 2: think you are going to love. We're talking with a

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Speaker 2: marriage and intimacy expert, her name is doctor Jennifer Finlayson

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Speaker 2: Fife about how to find the spark when the spark

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Speaker 2: has all but gone out, how to build that flame

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Speaker 2: back up in your relationship. It's going to be a

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Speaker 2: really important, really great conversation. She is articulate, she's thoughtful,

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Speaker 2: she's wise, and we're talking to doctor Jennifer Finlayson tomorrow

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Speaker 2: on the podcast. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by

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Speaker 2: Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.

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Speaker 2: We'll talk to you tomorrow. For more information about making

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Speaker 2: your family happier, join us at doctor Justin Colson's Happy

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Speaker 2: Families on Facebook or on Instagram, or at happy families

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Speaker 2: dot com dot a

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Speaker 3: H