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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.

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Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 1: Now, the holidays are pretty much over right around the country,

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Speaker 1: only a couple of places where kids are still not

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Speaker 1: back at school, and it feels like there is a

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Speaker 1: lot going on. And I don't know about you, Kylie,

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Speaker 1: but I wouldn't mind taking a breather and having another

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Speaker 1: holiday already. Feel like we need to recalibrate.

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Speaker 2: I think everyone's in agreement that so much of COVID

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Speaker 2: and the pandemic in general was awful. There was so

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Speaker 2: much going on. But one of the things that we

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Speaker 2: heard time and time again from families and specifically parents,

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Speaker 2: was the acknowledgment that they loved the slower pace of life.

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Speaker 2: There was less to do, less demands placed on us,

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Speaker 2: and as a result, we were actually able to really

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Speaker 2: just enjoy time with our families.

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Speaker 1: It sounds almost like you're romanticizing one of the worst

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Speaker 1: things that have happened this century, but yes, I know

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Speaker 1: what you mean.

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Speaker 2: Acknowledgement from that was that once life gotten back to

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Speaker 2: normal inverted commas.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we're never going back to the way we were.

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Speaker 1: We're never going to be that busy again.

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Speaker 2: Detective is the word I'm looking for, right, protective of

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Speaker 2: our time, so that we didn't end up in that

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Speaker 2: rat race of fast paced living again.

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Speaker 1: How's that balance feeling.

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Speaker 2: I don't think it's working for most people today.

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Speaker 1: A conversation about finding balance in twenty twenty four. There's

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Speaker 1: a handful of things that we need to talk about

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Speaker 1: if we want to get our lives balanced. And by

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Speaker 1: the way, as a general rule, I've used this metaphor

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Speaker 1: before walking across the tightrope. A tightrope walker is never

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Speaker 1: actually balanced. They're always balance in that is, you're always

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Speaker 1: leaning a bit too far this way or a bit

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Speaker 1: too far that way. You're always in a process of balancing.

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Speaker 1: So finding a balanced life is probably impossible, but working

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Speaker 1: hard on balancing is kind of the way we get

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Speaker 1: as close as we can.

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Speaker 2: Well, we've got four things we want to share with

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Speaker 2: you today.

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Speaker 1: Thing number one, I want to talk about goal setting.

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Speaker 1: So I've always been a big fan of goal setting,

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Speaker 1: but I'm rethinking it a little bit. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to say that we should throw goal setting out. I

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Speaker 1: don't think that's helpful. Goals help us to be focused

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Speaker 1: and help us to achieve and helps us help us

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Speaker 1: to move in a direction that gives us purpose and meaning.

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Speaker 1: There's a lot to like about goals, but there are

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Speaker 1: two things that I struggle with when it comes to goals.

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Speaker 1: The first one is that when you're making resolutions, what

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Speaker 1: you're really doing is you're saying, here's all the stuff

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Speaker 1: that I've failed at.

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Speaker 2: And it's interesting that you say this because for years

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Speaker 2: there's actually been a little bit of contention between you

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Speaker 2: and I when it comes to goal setting sessions, because

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Speaker 2: that's exactly how I feel. By the time we've finished it.

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Speaker 2: I have this long list of all of the things

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Speaker 2: that I'm actually not doing well or I'm not good at,

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Speaker 2: and it leaves me feeling like I don't even know

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Speaker 2: where to start. I've got this big list. But as

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Speaker 2: I look back on the sessions that you and I

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Speaker 2: have done over the years, we've set a goal for

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Speaker 2: our physical health. We've set a goal for our mental health.

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Speaker 2: We've set a goal for our emotional well being. We've

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Speaker 2: set a goal for our spiritual lives. We've now set

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Speaker 2: goals for how I can be a better mum, and

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Speaker 2: how I can be a better wife, and how I

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Speaker 2: can be a better member of the community.

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Speaker 1: I think I should throw in just in case people

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Speaker 1: think that I'm setting goals for you to be better mum,

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Speaker 1: a better wife. I'm sitting them for me, and I'm

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Speaker 1: setting them for me. We're doing them ALONGSIDINGHI just wanted

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Speaker 1: to clarify.

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Speaker 2: But here's this big list right that leaves me looking

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Speaker 2: at it going WHOA. There is just so much for

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Speaker 2: me to do to be the person I hope and

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Speaker 2: want to be. And it's no wonder that there is

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Speaker 2: so many memes and jokes out there about day four

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Speaker 2: of the new year, and we've already slipped off the

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Speaker 2: bandwagon because we can't possibly focus on that many things

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Speaker 2: at the same time.

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Speaker 1: I want to talk more about that in a sec

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Speaker 1: but let's just focus on basic psychological needs for a second.

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Speaker 1: I talk about this all the time. We need feel

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Speaker 1: a sense of competence, a sense of relatedness, and a

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Speaker 1: sense of autonomy. When you set goals based on what

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Speaker 1: we've just been discussing, they're just a great big reminder

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Speaker 1: of how incompetent you are. I wanted to get my

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Speaker 1: diet and exercise under control again this year, and I

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Speaker 1: just never seem to be able to get there, and

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Speaker 1: so what we're doing is in big bold letters or lits,

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Speaker 1: we're flashing out I'm not competent at this thing now.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes that can be motivating, and sometimes we really can

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Speaker 1: move the needle because of the goals, But more often

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Speaker 1: than not, we see people failing at the goals because well,

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Speaker 1: they're just a reminder of all of our incompetencies. The

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Speaker 1: second issue that I have with goals is that goals

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Speaker 1: are all about maximization and optimization, and they're well intentioned,

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Speaker 1: and I don't have a problem with people wanting to

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Speaker 1: be their best selves. I think this is really important.

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Speaker 1: This is what growth and learning and development is all about.

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Speaker 1: We want to be better than we are. However, it's exhausting.

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Speaker 1: It is absolutely exhausting when we're focused on it this way.

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Speaker 1: And in terms of finding balance, I'm not convinced that

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Speaker 1: it's the best way for us to be balanced, which

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Speaker 1: is why I wanted to do this podcast today.

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Speaker 2: As you're talking, I have a mental picture of me

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Speaker 2: for years staying in my exercise gear with my joggers on. Yes,

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Speaker 2: because it meant in my mind physically I was ready

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Speaker 2: to run, and the pure exhaustion that I felt at

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Speaker 2: the end of those days because I was running literally

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Speaker 2: all day. I feel exhausted just thinking about it.

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Speaker 1: So the second thing that you said, or the thing

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Speaker 1: that you said that I wanted to raise, was this

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Speaker 1: idea of priorities, and I just want to quickly. I

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Speaker 1: know this is a little bit of a geek out

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Speaker 1: geek warning, but here's the thing. The word priority is

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Speaker 1: an old French word and it used to basically mean

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Speaker 1: having precedents in right or place, or rank or time.

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Speaker 1: And although it's coming first, over the years we've changed

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Speaker 1: the word priority to mean basically the thing that matters

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Speaker 1: the most, the thing that requires the immediate attention, the

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Speaker 1: thing that is more important than all the other things.

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Speaker 1: That's the etymology of the word priority, and what we've

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Speaker 1: done in twenty twenty whatever is turn this into we

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Speaker 1: have a list of priorities. But you can't have everything

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Speaker 1: coming first. You can't have a list of fifteen things.

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Speaker 1: It all have to be our priority because the priority

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Speaker 1: has to become first. You can't have fifteen people win

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Speaker 1: the race when you.

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Speaker 2: Look at that big long list. I might be doing

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Speaker 2: absolutely amazing at my role as a mum, but as

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Speaker 2: a result I'm letting go of other things on my

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Speaker 2: list of priorities that leave me feeling a failure in

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Speaker 2: that area. I can't be all things in all places.

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Speaker 1: There's the typrope walk of balancing rather than being balanced again.

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Speaker 2: So if there was a couple of ideas that we

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Speaker 2: could share to help bring more balance into our lives

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Speaker 2: this year, what would they be?

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Speaker 1: Okay, I think number one. I'm going to emphasize this.

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Speaker 1: We need to remember what recreation means. So recreation is

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Speaker 1: made up of the prefix re follow the word creation.

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Speaker 1: Recreating ourselves is what we do when we're supposed to

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Speaker 1: have recreation. Where I'm going with this is if we

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Speaker 1: remember what recreation really means and we schedule it like

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Speaker 1: we actually create a system for daily recreation, we get

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Speaker 1: to find balance. That is, we get to have the

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Speaker 1: recovery that we need so that we can go again tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: Case in point, as somebody who has been to far

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Speaker 1: too many gyms and had far too many gym memberships

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Speaker 1: over the years, something that I've learned is that if

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go into the gym and do a workout,

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Speaker 1: really really work I don't know a certain muscle group today,

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Speaker 1: I need to give it a rest tomorrow so that

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Speaker 1: it can be torn down and then rebuild stronger, so

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Speaker 1: that the following day I can get back in there

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Speaker 1: again and pump it once more. It's the break, It's

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Speaker 1: the day off. It's the time away from the pushing

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Speaker 1: and the pulling and the workout that actually makes me

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Speaker 1: stronger if we want to find balance. And I know

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Speaker 1: that this sounds impossible and unfair for people who are

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Speaker 1: time poor parents who just want answers now scheduling, creating

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Speaker 1: a system that facilitates recreation in our lives makes a huge,

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Speaker 1: huge difference.

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Speaker 2: I remember, in the early days of parenting, even just

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Speaker 2: the notion of getting a night away with you oh

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Speaker 2: felt well, yes, but it never felt like enough. I

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Speaker 2: felt like I was so starved for that time away

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Speaker 2: that I almost came away from it resenting it because

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Speaker 2: there just wasn't never enough time. Whereas as our lives

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Speaker 2: have progressed and time has become a little bit more

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Speaker 2: achievable for us, a night away is heaven now. And

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Speaker 2: so what I'm about to say is going to feel

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Speaker 2: a little bit counterintuitive, because for mums and dads out

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Speaker 2: there who don't feel like they get enough time. Simply

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Speaker 2: going and sitting on the deck and having a Kappa

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Speaker 2: by yourself for five minutes doesn't feel like a huge thing.

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Speaker 2: But if you do this religiously, whatever it is five

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Speaker 2: minutes alone, we might do it seven times in a day.

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Speaker 2: But just taking five minutes out of the busyness to

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Speaker 2: just have a breath of fresh air and time alone

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Speaker 2: makes such a difference in our day to day lives.

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Speaker 1: It's not the work level that beats us up, it's

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Speaker 1: the inability for us to restore and recreate. Okay, so

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Speaker 1: stress is unavoidable, and I'm going to say something that

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Speaker 1: is a little bit provocative, but stress often feels really good.

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Speaker 1: Like I love being full on, I love being really busy.

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Speaker 1: I always had that mod I bought up more than

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Speaker 1: you can chew and make it up as you go

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Speaker 1: along because it feels productive and it feels really really exciting.

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Speaker 1: But are we restoring ourselves enough? I guess this is

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Speaker 1: the question that I'm asking here. We need to. I

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Speaker 1: don't know if seven five minute breaks a day is

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Speaker 1: really achievable, although you know what it probably is when

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Speaker 1: you look at how many times you pick up your

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Speaker 1: phone and spend five minutes on that game, or on

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Speaker 1: that news side, or on that social media on TikTok

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Speaker 1: or Instagram, snapchat or whatever it is.

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Speaker 2: We think that that is a break, but it's actually not.

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Speaker 2: It's not restoring us.

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Speaker 1: That's what I was going to say. That kind of

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Speaker 1: downtime is not a true break. It's not truly restorative.

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Speaker 1: That kind of break works against us restoring and recovering

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Speaker 1: and relaxing and resting. We're not actually present. And that's

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Speaker 1: why what you've said about the Kappa or the walk,

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Speaker 1: or just sitting out on the grass and staring at

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Speaker 1: the clouds for five minutes is so much more restorative.

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Speaker 2: One of the things that we've done this year, well.

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Speaker 1: We've planned for we haven't done it yet, it's about

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Speaker 1: to start.

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Speaker 2: We've made a conscious effort to carve out time. We've

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Speaker 2: never actually done this before, but as part of my

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Speaker 2: Christmas present, I asked specifically for designated committed time together

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Speaker 2: in the diary. So for Christmas, you gave me a

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Speaker 2: whole handful, fourteen of them to be exact envelopes, And

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Speaker 2: inside each of those envelopes was a card with designated

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Speaker 2: dates and places where we would spend time together, either

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Speaker 2: as a couple or as a family. They are in

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Speaker 2: the diary, so everything else now falls around that. In

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Speaker 2: previous years, we've looked at the diary after all of

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Speaker 2: your work commitments have gone in and tried to squeeze

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Speaker 2: it in and around work, and it hasn't been very good.

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Speaker 2: So this year we're trying something different. And I can't

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Speaker 2: tell you how exciting it is to look at my

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Speaker 2: calendar and go, Okay, I've just got to get through

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Speaker 2: two weeks and then I'm going to spend time with

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Speaker 2: Justin alone, or in four weeks time, our family is

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Speaker 2: going to have just a micro holiday three nights away

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Speaker 2: down on the coast or whatever it is, just knowing

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Speaker 2: that nothing else can infiltrate that time.

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Speaker 1: Now. I don't want this to sound overly privileged or anything.

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Speaker 1: Either we're not doing expensive stuff. This is a one

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Speaker 1: night or a two night camping holiday, or we're going

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Speaker 1: to family and we're going to crash in the living

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Speaker 1: room at my mum and dad's place or whatever it is.

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Speaker 1: So we're we're not spending big money, but we've just

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Speaker 1: carved out the time. The idea for it from me

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Speaker 1: came from a study that I came across that highlighted

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Speaker 1: that people who take one big break every year are

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Speaker 1: a lot more stressed and a lot less balanced than

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Speaker 1: people who take three or four or five mini breaks

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Speaker 1: every year. So every month or every couple of months,

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Speaker 1: they've got that little thing to look forward to. Once again,

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Speaker 1: this is about recreation, this is about restoration, this is

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Speaker 1: about recovery. We want to do it in little ways

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Speaker 1: each day, for five minutes here and five minutes there,

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Speaker 1: without staring at your phone, and we want to do

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Speaker 1: it in slightly bigger ways by having truly connected time together,

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Speaker 1: maybe on a weekly or a monthly or a bi

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Speaker 1: monthly basis.

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Speaker 2: I think the only other thing I really want to

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Speaker 2: highlight in relation to this, especially for mums who feel

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Speaker 2: the need to do and be everything to everyone, taking

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Speaker 2: time out feels a little bit selfish, It feels a

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Speaker 2: little bit greedy. It feels like there are so many

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Speaker 2: other priorities that need to be taken care of.

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Speaker 1: There's that priorities thing again.

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Speaker 2: But having experienced both sides of the equation in my

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Speaker 2: own life, I'm a better mum when I choose to

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Speaker 2: prioritize time for myself. I come back a better person,

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Speaker 2: more refreshed, more capable of giving my children all of

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Speaker 2: the things that they need as opposed to just keep going,

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Speaker 2: just keep pushing through, just keep being.

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Speaker 1: So it's the balance of me time versus we time.

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Speaker 1: But it's also making sure that I mean we're using

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Speaker 1: the word balance again, but it's making sure that that

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Speaker 1: me time is actually restorative. It's not time spent staying

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Speaker 1: up late and partying and goofing off. It's actually about

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Speaker 1: genuinely restoring.

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Speaker 2: No matter how well structured we are, how well planned

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Speaker 2: we have everything in our lives, the reality is life

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Speaker 2: just sends us curveballs all the time, whether it's a

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Speaker 2: sick kid, it's teething, it's a loved one passes away,

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Speaker 2: Like there is just so many things that could go

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Speaker 2: wrong at any given time. And that being the case,

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Speaker 2: what are some things that we can do, like tangible

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Speaker 2: things that we can do to help set us up

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Speaker 2: to cope better in those times.

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Speaker 1: I'm so glad that you use that word for balance.

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Speaker 1: We don't just have to set up good systems and

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Speaker 1: work on our balancing. We've got to be able to cope.

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Speaker 1: We've got to be resilient. I think of resilience as

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Speaker 1: an essential part of being balanced or being good at balancing.

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Speaker 1: There are people who cope in less healthy ways, so

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Speaker 1: there's anger and withdrawal, maybe there's alcohol use or just screens,

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Speaker 1: and then there are healthy ways to build our resilience.

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Speaker 1: So that's time in relationships, it's time in nature, it's

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Speaker 1: time being still. Physical activity. Physical activity is so important,

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Speaker 1: like it just makes such a difference for your resilience

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Speaker 1: and your well being. But it's also doing things like,

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Speaker 1: rather than being emotional about a problem, having a problem

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Speaker 1: solving focus. So maybe you sit down with the kids

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Speaker 1: and say, guys, we need to do a three e's conversation.

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Speaker 1: We need to explore what's going on. I need to

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Speaker 1: explain some things to you about what we need in

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Speaker 1: our family, and I need to empower you so that

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Speaker 1: we can come up with a solution together that is

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Speaker 1: going to work. Because things are not going well right now.

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Speaker 1: It's that kind of a process where we find out

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Speaker 1: how we can cope when things are going poorly and

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Speaker 1: then get the systems in place so that things can

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Speaker 1: go right more often.

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Speaker 2: So for the time, poor parent who just wants answers now, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Here's too long didn't read version again.

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Speaker 2: You're suggesting a few things that are going to help

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Speaker 2: make a huge difference to finding balance this year. The

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Speaker 2: idea that routines and structures reflect the priorities that we

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Speaker 2: have in our lives.

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Speaker 1: Yes, definitely. In fact, I would go one step further

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Speaker 1: than that. If you show me your habits, I'll show

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Speaker 1: you your future.

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Speaker 2: I like that a lot. The second thing that we've

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Speaker 2: shared today is the acknowledgment that recreation. Recreation is the

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Speaker 2: ability to recreate ourselves and give us the opportunity to restore, replenish,

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Speaker 2: and rejuvenate so that we can show up better.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and lastly, work on resilience skills so that you

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Speaker 1: can cope when things don't quite work out the way

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Speaker 1: you were really hoping that they would.

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm just going to put it out there. I'm

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Speaker 2: really loving this new you. The notion that we're no

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Speaker 2: longer going to have to bite off more than we

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Speaker 2: can chew feels very very good to me.

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Speaker 1: Actually, the reason that I'm saying all of this is

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Speaker 1: because I've bitten off more than I can chew.

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Speaker 2: Really, if we go back to the words that you

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Speaker 2: and I chose this year, you've got presence. Mine is embrace.

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Speaker 2: You can't embrace someone quickly, and embrace takes all of you,

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Speaker 2: and it takes time.

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Speaker 1: And so I've just got this picture of two rugby

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Speaker 1: league players running in each other, running at each other

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Speaker 1: to embrace one another.

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Speaker 2: It's a body. Yeah. So for me, I guess our

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Speaker 2: words actually are very similar for different reasons. I just

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Speaker 2: want to slow things down and really embrace each moment

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Speaker 2: as it comes, and you and your notion of being

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Speaker 2: present allows you to do exactly the same thing.

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Speaker 1: The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from

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Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. We hope

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Speaker 1: that this podcast has helped you to find balance in

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Speaker 1: your life. If you'd like to find even more balance,

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Speaker 1: please check out our brand new membership. It's called The Quest.

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Speaker 1: The Quest is taking you, step by step through a

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Speaker 1: process that is designed to help you to be present,

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Speaker 1: to find that balance, to embrace family life and make

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Speaker 1: it work for you and your whole family. All the

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Speaker 1: details are at Happy families dot com dot a u