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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers. Now.

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Speaker 2: When we got married, I would fly from Rockhampton to

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Speaker 2: Brisbane to see my dentist one because I was a person.

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Speaker 2: I didn't feel like a number with him. He knew

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Speaker 2: my family, he knew me, and he loved seeing me

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Speaker 2: grow and progress.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: So Kylie, today it's all about you. This is a

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Speaker 3: topic that you thought would be great and we're going

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Speaker 3: to dive straight into it. We're going to talk about

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Speaker 3: the seven or so people parents, assistance, people who are

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Speaker 3: around that we need to have in our parenting village.

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Speaker 3: And the reason this is all about you is because

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Speaker 3: if there's one thing that you say a lot on

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Speaker 3: this podcast, and you know this because you've been going

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Speaker 3: back through all of our old podcasts and listening to them,

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Speaker 3: it's that it takes a village. So I'm excited to

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Speaker 3: dive into this. I mean, we're going to be talking

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Speaker 3: about the butcher, the baker, the countlestick maker. Who is

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Speaker 3: it that we need when mum is down for the

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Speaker 3: count needs help, needs support, can't do it all? On

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Speaker 3: our own. What do we need in our parenting support village?

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Speaker 2: So I'm going to say neighbors, teachers, friends, community leaders,

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Speaker 2: medical professionals, surrogate aunts and uncles, and surrogate grandparents.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so that's your list of seven. Let's break it

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Speaker 3: down and go through them one at a time. Where

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Speaker 3: do you want to start at the top?

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Speaker 2: Neighbors?

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Speaker 3: Okay, it takes a village, and it starts in your neighborhood.

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Speaker 3: There's a lot of research. Now this is mainly American research.

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Speaker 3: America is a very it's a different place to Australia.

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Speaker 3: But I think this research will really resonate with people

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Speaker 3: whether they're on the Australian continent or the American continent.

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Speaker 3: And that is that we see well being increase when

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Speaker 3: neighborhoods feel safe.

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Speaker 2: And that's definitely been our experience oh so much. We've

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Speaker 2: lived in neighborhoods where nobody had a front fence yeah,

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Speaker 2: and just had the ability to roam wherever they wanted

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Speaker 2: to and it was just delightful. We've also lived in

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Speaker 2: neighborhoods where everybody has an electric gate, yeah, and it

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Speaker 2: literally stops social interactions.

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Speaker 3: Well, just on that the last house that we lived

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Speaker 3: in when we were in Brisie for that five years

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Speaker 3: or so, we had no gate at all on our property,

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Speaker 3: but it was a battle ax block and we were

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Speaker 3: sort of up behind the neighbors in front. The thing is,

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Speaker 3: we had dogs, and so we installed a gate because

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Speaker 3: we didn't want the dogs escaping. There's laws about that,

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Speaker 3: we have to keep the dogs contained. There was no

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Speaker 3: easy way to contain them without a gate on the driveway,

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Speaker 3: but we put the gate all the way up towards

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Speaker 3: the house. In spite of that, you actually had conversations

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Speaker 3: with the people who said, yeah, I don't like to

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Speaker 3: drop by because you've got the gate and the gates closed,

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Speaker 3: and it just makes it feel like the house is

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Speaker 3: not accessible.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 3: Obviously, we can only do what we can do. Sometimes

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Speaker 3: we've got gates, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we have fences

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Speaker 3: and sometimes we don't. But this idea that the neighborhood

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Speaker 3: needs to feel safe and the kids really you want

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Speaker 3: them to have the capacity of the freedom to number one,

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Speaker 3: roam up and down the street and see their friends,

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Speaker 3: but number two to know that they're safe while they're

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Speaker 3: doing it.

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Speaker 2: And I think that that's the beautiful thing. We're now

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Speaker 2: in a neighborhood where on any given afternoon I will

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Speaker 2: get a text message from another parent in the street

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Speaker 2: to just say, hey, just checking in. Is my daughter

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Speaker 2: at your place? Which feels great because it's usually me

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Speaker 2: I don't have a clue where she is because there

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Speaker 2: are so many children in the street and they just

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Speaker 2: love hanging out together.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to say something that I know you won't

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Speaker 3: want me to say, but I think that it matters

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Speaker 3: for illustrating just how important it is to have great neighbors.

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Speaker 3: And when we're talking about this village, that really is

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Speaker 3: so important. That's why we talk about it as often

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Speaker 3: as we do. Being in a neighborhood we feel safe,

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Speaker 3: psychologically and physically matters so much. Many many years ago

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Speaker 3: were In fact, I'm going to share two experiences, many

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Speaker 3: many years ago, when our eldest was only maybe three

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Speaker 3: years old. One morning, I was getting ready for work.

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Speaker 3: This was back when I was a radio announcer. I think, well,

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Speaker 3: maybe i'd just become a student, but I was getting

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Speaker 3: ready for work, and I think that you were either

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Speaker 3: dealing with one of our children, or maybe even in

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Speaker 3: the shower.

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Speaker 2: If it's the story, I think you're telling I was

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Speaker 2: breastfeeding the baby.

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Speaker 3: Ah, so you were breastfeeding the baby, and I was

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Speaker 3: completely absent mindedly doing my own thing, getting ready for

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Speaker 3: work because that was where my head was. And we

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Speaker 3: got a knock on the door. It's like six forty

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Speaker 3: five seven am. One of the neighbors has got our

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Speaker 3: three year old or our four year old, however old

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Speaker 3: Chanelle was. She'd somehow gotten out the front door and

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Speaker 3: started wandering down the street. We'd never actually met this

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Speaker 3: neighbor before, but he just happened to see this little

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Speaker 3: girl and happened to know that there were a couple

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Speaker 3: of little girls where we were, so he brought a home.

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Speaker 3: That's a great neighborhood. Compare that, like how many years later,

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Speaker 3: twelve thirteen years later, when our youngest daughter escaped from

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Speaker 3: the house. This was a house where we didn't have

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Speaker 3: a screen door or a front fence, and you were

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Speaker 3: vacuuming the house. I wasn't even home, but you know

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Speaker 3: what it's like. You're in the house, you're doing the vacuuming,

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Speaker 3: it's noisy, you're not really supervising your children one hundred

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Speaker 3: percent at the time, and you thought that she was

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Speaker 3: actively engaged in one activity, but she'd gotten board of

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Speaker 3: that and stood up and somehow got the front door

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Speaker 3: open and went for a walk. And when I say

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Speaker 3: went for a walk, I mean she walked down the street,

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Speaker 3: around the corner, around another corner of another street, and

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Speaker 3: ended up near the kid's school, which was about two

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Speaker 3: hundred meters away. Fortunately, a good friend of ours and

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Speaker 3: neighbor brought a home there. But our next door neighbors

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Speaker 3: called child Protection and dobb descend for not being vigilant parents.

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Speaker 3: It's one of those things you can't control it. In

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Speaker 3: two episodes, twelve years apart, thirteen years apart. I don't

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Speaker 3: think that that's a pattern. I think that there's enough

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Speaker 3: evidence that things were okay. But being in a neighborhood

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Speaker 3: where that happened, we couldn't get out of there fast enough.

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Speaker 3: We also really wanted to get a screen door on

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Speaker 3: as quickly as we could as well. But great neighborhoods matter.

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Speaker 3: What was your second one?

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Speaker 2: Teachers play a huge part in our kids life.

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Speaker 3: They so much.

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Speaker 2: They are literally there every day.

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Speaker 3: To every teacher who does this work, thank you so much.

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Speaker 3: Thank you for caring about.

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Speaker 2: Our kids, and the best thing we can do is

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Speaker 2: to recognize and see our kids teachers as part of

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Speaker 2: their village and work together to support our children in

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Speaker 2: whatever way they need. The times that we've had the

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Speaker 2: capacity to do this, our kids have flourished.

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Speaker 3: One of my favorite stories that I share in my

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Speaker 3: presentations involves a mum who stormed into the school blew

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Speaker 3: up at a teacher because she was convinced that the

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Speaker 3: teacher wasn't doing his part in helping her fourteen year

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Speaker 3: old daughter to thrive and flourish and excel at school.

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Speaker 3: And he just listened to this withering, blistering attack that

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Speaker 3: she made on him, and at the end of it,

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Speaker 3: he said, I really appreciate how much you love your daughter,

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Speaker 3: and I really appreciate that you come and shared this

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Speaker 3: with me. And then he invited her to sit down

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Speaker 3: with him, and they sat side by side of the

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Speaker 3: table and developed a plan that they could work on

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Speaker 3: together as part of a village, as part of this community,

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Speaker 3: to help this girl to do better at school. I

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Speaker 3: wish that the mum had been more charitable at the beginning,

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Speaker 3: but I'm so grateful for a teacher who was willing

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Speaker 3: to forgive her lack of discretion and her volatility, and

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Speaker 3: still invite her into a warm and careful conversation about

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Speaker 3: how they could support the community around this girl.

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Speaker 2: The third one's friends. It seems like such an obvious one,

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Speaker 2: but each of these people in our village requires intentional effort,

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Speaker 2: intentional action to create the relationships that you want, and

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Speaker 2: helping your children cultivate positive interactions with their peers is

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Speaker 2: so important.

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Speaker 3: Friends at school, friends outside of school equally, if not

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Speaker 3: more important, because sometimes school can be a hard place

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Speaker 3: and knowing that you've at least got some friends somewhere else.

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Speaker 3: I was actually one of the most unpopular kids in

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Speaker 3: my grade. I just had a horrible, horrible time right

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Speaker 3: throughout high school. But I had some great friends from church,

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Speaker 3: and they were the ones who literally got me through.

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Speaker 3: They were the ones that I look forward to seeing

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Speaker 3: a couple times a week during the week and also

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Speaker 3: on the weekends go surfing and whatever. It was so important.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to add something else about that whole friend

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Speaker 3: thing by Kylie, and that is that our kids need

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Speaker 3: to see us valuing and investing in our friendships as well.

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Speaker 3: Adulthood isn't just about going to work and doing the chores.

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Speaker 3: We need to show our kids that we have social

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Speaker 3: lives and that we value those friendships as well, so

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Speaker 3: that they know how.

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Speaker 2: To do it. So Number four is community leaders, whether

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Speaker 2: it be church leaders, youth group leaders, sports coaches, people

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Speaker 2: who have a significant degree of separation from what your

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Speaker 2: life is and specifically what your children's life is, and

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Speaker 2: just sees them in a completely different life in different space.

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Speaker 2: Is such a beautiful space for our children to be

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Speaker 2: seen for them and not for the family unit that

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Speaker 2: they belong to. And I love that community leaders have

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Speaker 2: always been a part of our village. They have always

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Speaker 2: been there to nurture and strengthen our children in the

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Speaker 2: ways that work for them.

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Speaker 3: So I'm going to just quickly say something here, and

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Speaker 3: that is that if you're hearing this one and thinking, yeah,

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Speaker 3: it doesn't exist, I would ask what are you doing

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Speaker 3: in your home and in your family to be a

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Speaker 3: part of the community. As we're getting busier and busier,

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Speaker 3: and as we're becoming increasingly individualistic, it gets harder and

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Speaker 3: harder to really invest in the community. But being involved

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Speaker 3: in the netbook club or the soccer club, or the

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Speaker 3: surf club, or the park run group, the local organizing

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Speaker 3: committee there, or being involved in a neighborhood community group

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Speaker 3: of some kind. It makes a difference. And having the

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Speaker 3: kids involved, having your family anticipating fully in these kinds

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Speaker 3: of things, or your local church if you have a

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Speaker 3: religious orientation, these things will make a difference and build

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Speaker 3: your community. I think there's I just I'm so glad

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Speaker 3: that you said that. What's Jeff forgot what number up to?

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Speaker 3: Well we have to number five.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, let's go medical professionals. I know this one probably

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Speaker 2: may to some people feel like a bit of an

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Speaker 2: odd one, but growing up we had the same doctor

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Speaker 2: my entire life. So by the time I became an

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Speaker 2: adult and I was looking to get married and I

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Speaker 2: needed to have specific conversations with him. He was a

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Speaker 2: village member, yep, that I had confidence in going to see.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: It was built over years and years of going because

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Speaker 2: I had a sore finger, or I broke my leg

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Speaker 2: or all of those things. And he saw me grow,

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Speaker 2: so he understood my family, my family dynamics. He saw

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Speaker 2: me as an individual. My dentist is another person. Nick

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Speaker 2: he got married, I would fly from rock Hampton to

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Speaker 2: Brisbane to see my dentist one because I was a person.

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Speaker 2: I didn't feel like a number with him. He knew

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Speaker 2: my family, he knew me, and he loved seeing me

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Speaker 2: grow and progress. He also knew my idiosyncrasies around dentists

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Speaker 2: and the fact that I hate them, and he was

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Speaker 2: really gentle and kind. All of those things meant that

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Speaker 2: I felt like I had medical professionals that were on

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Speaker 2: my side. They were in my village.

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Speaker 3: And my doctor just thought I was funny because I

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Speaker 3: showed up one day and I was worried because one

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Speaker 3: of my pecks, one of my pecks, was bigger than

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Speaker 3: the other one. I took my shirt off and I said, look,

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Speaker 3: I'm my body's not right. I've got my right peck

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Speaker 3: is bigger than my left peck. And he just thought

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Speaker 3: that I was his favorite client, his favorite patient from

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Speaker 3: then on. Because I was worried about different sized pecks.

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Speaker 3: He explained that was normal. But having him there, I

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Speaker 3: couldn't talk to my parents about this. There was no

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Speaker 3: way I was going to talk to my parents about

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Speaker 3: how my right peck was bigger than my left peck

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Speaker 3: and I was insecure about it. I was worried about it.

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Speaker 3: I needed to see the doctor, so I love that

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Speaker 3: you said that one I wouldn't have thought about putting

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Speaker 3: that in my village list, but I love that you said.

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Speaker 2: That aunts and uncles, if we've got blood relatives around,

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Speaker 2: having them be a part of our kids village is

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Speaker 2: so important. But if we don't, who are adults in

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Speaker 2: our lives that can play surrogate aunt and uncle to

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Speaker 2: our children, who are safe, almost parental figures that can

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Speaker 2: be there when our kids don't feel like they can

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Speaker 2: come to you as mum and dad to share their

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Speaker 2: worries and their concerns.

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Speaker 3: You had this as a teenager, particularly, I feel like.

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Speaker 2: I've always had this. I've always had people in my

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Speaker 2: life who have just loved me.

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Speaker 3: I used to call them auntie and uncle. So there

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Speaker 3: was a lady down the road, and when I say

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Speaker 3: down the road, I'm talking about like eight hundred meters

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Speaker 3: down the road. But though were just part of our

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Speaker 3: part of our extended family, and part of our village,

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Speaker 3: and was uncle Hillary and Arnie Debbie. And that's just

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Speaker 3: what we used to call them. And they were not

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Speaker 3: related to us in any way, shape or form, But

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Speaker 3: back in those days, that's what you used to say

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Speaker 3: as well. Everyone was your uncle or you're artie. We

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Speaker 3: don't tend to say that stuff so much. We've got

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Speaker 3: one more, is that right? Or have I lost count again?

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 2: Last one? Surrogate grandparents. If your grandparents are around, like

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Speaker 2: for some of us we've lost our grandparents, they've never

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Speaker 2: actually already died, and so finding other older people. The

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Speaker 2: wonderful gift of our retirees, our great nomads, what if

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Speaker 2: you want to call them our older generation, is they

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Speaker 2: have the time that us busy parents don't have, and

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Speaker 2: they can. Their greatest gift is the time that they're

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Speaker 2: able to spend. So we've got a few neighbors who

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Speaker 2: fall into this bracket, and they're not only our neighbors,

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Speaker 2: but in so many ways they play a surrogate grandparent

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Speaker 2: for our nine year old. Specifically, she loves going and

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Speaker 2: knocking on their doors, playing with their cat, and the

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Speaker 2: swimming in their pool, selling her little trinkets and bracelets

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Speaker 2: that she makes with her beads. Down on their corner,

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Speaker 2: they bring out their furniture, so she's got a table

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Speaker 2: to show everything on. She's just and they'll sit there

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Speaker 2: with her because they have the time to do it.

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Speaker 3: Which brings me to you've actually said the word that

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Speaker 3: I really wanted to emphasize. If we want to build

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Speaker 3: up these seven people, bring them into our parenting village,

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Speaker 3: create a parenting village. It comes down of time. Tim

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Speaker 3: doesn't matter whether or not maybe it's your local butcher

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Speaker 3: like or the local grosser or something like that. The

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Speaker 3: village builds as we have those brief, almost meaningless interactions

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Speaker 3: at the beginning, Hey, how are you going, Yeah, nice

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Speaker 3: to see you. Or if you go down to the

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Speaker 3: local cafe and they remember your favorite drink, they know

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Speaker 3: that I love that smoothie, they know that somebody else

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Speaker 3: loves that particular coffee, and you have these slow but growing,

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Speaker 3: simple interactions that build into a bit more of a hey,

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Speaker 3: how are you going? Or Hey, no kids with you today?

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Speaker 3: Or hey this or the conversation builds, it develops and grows,

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Speaker 3: and all of a sudden, this person becomes somebody that

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Speaker 3: you share something with a little bit extra one day.

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Speaker 3: The relationship grows through time, involvement, and investment.

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Speaker 2: So we've been on the coast now for about eighteen months.

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Speaker 2: I've been going in and out of the post office

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Speaker 2: for eighteen months, and one of our daughters has just

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Speaker 2: taken on all of your book posted right and if

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Speaker 2: you haven't side job.

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Speaker 3: If you haven't yet ordered a book from Happy Families

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Speaker 3: dot com dot I you the Parenting Revolution is available

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Speaker 3: and Annie would love to pack it for you and

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Speaker 3: post it so that she can earn some pocket or

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Speaker 3: she can earn a wage. She can earn some money.

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Speaker 3: But really, you just want to build up the village

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Speaker 3: at the post office, don't you.

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Speaker 2: Well I went down to the post office and I

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Speaker 2: explained to VICKI down there what needed to happen. And

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Speaker 2: I said that my daughter was going to be taking

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Speaker 2: this on. And she was literally I made her day.

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Speaker 2: She was like, oh my gosh, I've got some news

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Speaker 2: for you. I am going to save you so much money.

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Speaker 2: So she talked me through it, and I said to her, Okay,

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Speaker 2: this all seems like a little bit. She said. It

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Speaker 2: is a little bit overwhelming start with, she said, but

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Speaker 2: let's just do it here for now, and then we

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Speaker 2: can work on the next step next next time. So

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Speaker 2: when I went in the next day, she said, oh

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Speaker 2: my gosh, she said, you left, and she said, and

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Speaker 2: I must need a life, she said, because I thought

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Speaker 2: of another way I can save you more money, and

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Speaker 2: so every day we go in. Now, Vicki's so excited. Oh,

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Speaker 2: you've only got a small pile today, Kylie. You know,

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Speaker 2: she's so aware of who I am that her face

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Speaker 2: lights up when she sees me. And we talk about

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Speaker 2: feeling time poor, and it's real. We have so many

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Speaker 2: time restraints on us, and it feels like to build

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Speaker 2: this village is going to be all consuming and take

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Speaker 2: up let our time. The reality is it isn't going

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Speaker 2: to happen overnight, and it is a slow gain. But

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Speaker 2: once you're there, that village actually helps with this feeling

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Speaker 2: of being time poor. This village takes your kids under

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Speaker 2: their wings. We've had so many beautiful people over the

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Speaker 2: years who literally played mum to them when I've had

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Speaker 2: a new baby, and they've taken the older kids under

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Speaker 2: their wings and just loved on them when they felt

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Speaker 2: like Mum didn't have the capacity to. And I just

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Speaker 2: feel so blessed that those people have had so much

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Speaker 2: beautiful and positive influence in my kid's life. It doesn't

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Speaker 2: detract from who I am as a parent, It doesn't

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Speaker 2: take diminish my efforts. What it does is it adds

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Speaker 2: to it.

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Speaker 3: The happy families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from

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Speaker 3: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more

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Speaker 3: about making your family happier, please visit us at happy

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Speaker 3: families dot com dot IU. Oh, and tomorrow a really

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Speaker 3: big question that we're going to be answering about what

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Speaker 3: to do when parents are absent in your life. It's

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Speaker 3: the Happy Famili's podcast.

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Speaker 2: Okay,