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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.

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Speaker 2: Now all of that love is still there, and we

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Speaker 2: were just in treating the parents to reconnect with the

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Speaker 2: original feelings that you had with our child, because it's

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Speaker 2: all still there.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Hello, it's doctor Justin Coulson, the author of a bunch

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Speaker 3: of books about raising happy families and the founder of

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Speaker 3: happy families dot com. Do you and today, Kylie, my wife,

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Speaker 3: mum to our six daughters, got some special guests. Hun,

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Speaker 3: I'm so excited for this conversation.

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Speaker 4: We have two special guests today, doctor Jimmy Mansburg and

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Speaker 4: Joe Lamble.

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Speaker 5: They're the authors of a brand new book.

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Speaker 3: It's called The New Teenage, How to support today's tweens

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Speaker 3: and teens to become healthy, happy adults.

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Speaker 5: Thanks for joining us, ladies, Thanks for having us.

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Speaker 2: Hi.

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Speaker 3: Raising teens is usually, I mean, as soon as I

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Speaker 3: talk about it with people, there's this accompanying eye roll

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Speaker 3: and this sigh and people pat you on the back

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Speaker 3: and say, oh, deeper sympathies kind of stuff, Like everyone

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Speaker 3: says raising teens and stuff I don't actually buy that,

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Speaker 3: and we are living evidence that it doesn't always have

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Speaker 3: to be like that. But you kick off your book

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Speaker 3: with this how to guide that I just it loves.

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Speaker 3: In fact, Kylie and I both loved it. On that

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Speaker 3: list is this idea you say you need to fall

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Speaker 3: in love with your child again when they become a

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Speaker 3: tween or a teen.

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Speaker 5: Can you just tell us a bit about why you

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Speaker 5: put that there and what you were really getting at

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Speaker 5: with this.

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Speaker 2: Joe, do you want to take this one? No?

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Speaker 5: You wrote okay, usually in the introduction.

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Speaker 2: So Joe and I were having these conversations about parallel

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Speaker 2: chats we were having with parents and their teenagers who

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Speaker 2: were coming to see us, who were really just straw

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Speaker 2: and at the end of their tentment. Often you cut

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Speaker 2: the air with a knife. There was a lot of legacy,

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Speaker 2: good feeling in there, but an awful lot of resentment, fear, terror,

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Speaker 2: love that could destroy you. But also a lot of

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Speaker 2: negative energy around there as well. And I think one

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Speaker 2: of the things that is never said. Of course, every

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Speaker 2: parent says I love you, But what children don't realize

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Speaker 2: is that the second they come out of your body

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Speaker 2: as a parent, or when you hold them as a dad,

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Speaker 2: you fall so passionately in love with them that it's

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Speaker 2: an indescribable love that you haven't felt before unless you've

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Speaker 2: been a parent before. And you can forget what that

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Speaker 2: was like, those feelings, and that is still the little

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Speaker 2: person in there, the little one who put their arms

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Speaker 2: around your neck and looked into your eyes and drank

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Speaker 2: you up with their eyes and hung on every word

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Speaker 2: that you said. That little person is still in there.

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Speaker 2: And your feelings about this little thing that just came

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Speaker 2: out of your body and who's so dependent on you

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Speaker 2: and who loves you so much, that's all still in there.

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Speaker 2: And it can be easy to forget that when you're

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Speaker 2: arguing about everything from the underpants on the floor to yes,

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Speaker 2: you do have to come to Grandma's house for tea

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Speaker 2: on Sunday to know you really do need to do

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Speaker 2: your homework. You can get so mine in the negativity

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Speaker 2: of day to day that you can forget that all

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Speaker 2: of that love is still there. And we were just

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Speaker 2: entreating the parents to reconnect with the original feelings that

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Speaker 2: you had with that child, because it's all still there

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Speaker 2: and it's still under the surface, and for the kids

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Speaker 2: to understand as well, that mom and dad love you

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Speaker 2: to pieces in a way that you probably won't understand

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Speaker 2: until if you decide to have a child or be

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Speaker 2: a parent one day yourself, that you will understand it then.

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Speaker 2: But they will do anything for you, and they'll do

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Speaker 2: anything to make you happy. In one of the things, Jo,

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Speaker 2: do you remember we were both talking about this, we're

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Speaker 2: yet to meet a parent who doesn't want the best

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Speaker 2: for their child. Have different ideas about how to get there,

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Speaker 2: but no parent has got rules or regulations in order

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Speaker 2: to make their child life a misery. It's just to

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Speaker 2: make their child happy and healthy. We might have different

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Speaker 2: ideas about how to get there, but that's at the

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Speaker 2: core of it.

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Speaker 3: Jinny, you're a GP. Joe, you're a clinical psychologist. From

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Speaker 3: a psychological point of view, Why do you think that

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Speaker 3: parents get so angry, so frustrated, so impatient, so lacking

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Speaker 3: in forbearance? What do you think underpins that that bit

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Speaker 3: where they've just fallen out of love with their child.

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Speaker 6: I think Giny put it really well before, And in

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Speaker 6: psychobabble Land we call it that your anger is a

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Speaker 6: secondary emotion. So normally under the anger is either hurt,

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Speaker 6: but most commonly with parents are teenagers. Fear. There is

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Speaker 6: so much fear that your child will inverted commas, go

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Speaker 6: off the rails, Fear that they won't have a life

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Speaker 6: you want for them, that they won't be happy and healthy.

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Speaker 6: And so what happens is when the child is doing

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Speaker 6: something that you desperately don't want them to do, or

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Speaker 6: when they're making decisions that you think, oh no, that's

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Speaker 6: so dangerous, what's going to happen? Then that fear comes out,

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Speaker 6: but instead of expressing it is just I'm so frightened

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Speaker 6: for you, it comes out as I've told you about this,

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Speaker 6: and this is going to be the punishment, and this

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Speaker 6: is what I've do. And even when they're thinking about

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Speaker 6: what the punishment or consequences could be, they're still coming

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Speaker 6: from the place Ginny talked about, from love and wanting

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Speaker 6: the best for their child, and also this fear, and

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Speaker 6: the only thing they can grasp. We can all relate

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Speaker 6: to this as parents, The only thing you can grasp

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Speaker 6: is Okay, well, how can I try and take control

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Speaker 6: of this situation to keep them safe? Perhaps if I

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Speaker 6: give them these sort of consequences, then maybe they'll be

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Speaker 6: they'll be safe. That's a long winded way of saying,

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Speaker 6: it's fear.

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Speaker 3: Really, I mean, I think that you've almost quoted directly

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Speaker 3: the very words that I use to explain that same thing,

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Speaker 3: and so it's so wonderful to hear the way that

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Speaker 3: you've shared that. I just sit there and I think

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Speaker 3: to myself, wouldn't it be great if a parent could

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Speaker 3: actually look at their teenager and say, hey, kiddo, what

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Speaker 3: you're doing really frightens me because I'm just so crazy

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Speaker 3: about you. I love you with everything, and watching you

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Speaker 3: do that scares me to death. And that's why I'm

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Speaker 3: having this big reaction because you you just matter so much.

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Speaker 5: So I'm so grateful that you said it the way

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Speaker 5: that you did.

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Speaker 3: Wish we could help parents to communicate that more effectively

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Speaker 3: and be a bit more vulnerable with their kids.

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Speaker 6: And if they do that, I think it's great that

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Speaker 6: we're talking this way because if parents can say that,

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Speaker 6: I am just so scared for you. You know, I'm sorry,

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Speaker 6: but I'm your parent. I'm going to worry, you know,

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Speaker 6: but I know you've got this. What that does is

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Speaker 6: help keep the connection strong. And every expert Jenny and

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Speaker 6: I spoke to when writing this book and we interview

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Speaker 6: a lot of people, so it's not just our voices.

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Speaker 6: Every expert said, it's a connection you have with your

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Speaker 6: team that will keep them safe. So if you keep

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Speaker 6: that in mind, rather than thinking, Okay, what boundaries can

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Speaker 6: I put in? What rules? What punishments can I put in?

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Speaker 6: Instead Okay, how can I keep this connection strong so

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Speaker 6: that they will come to me if they're struggling, They

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Speaker 6: will come to me if they're in danger. How can

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Speaker 6: I do that? Then you'll probably find, Okay, being vulnerable

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Speaker 6: is one way to really strengthen that connection.

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Speaker 3: We're going to take a quick break when we come back.

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Speaker 3: A chapter that completely surprised me, caught me totally off guard.

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Speaker 3: Never seen a chapter like this in a book about

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Speaker 3: adolescence before. And what to do when your teenager is absolutely.

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Speaker 5: Route going too far. That's next on a Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 7: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, Teens and Screens

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Speaker 7: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.

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Speaker 7: Bye today at Happy family dot Au slash shop.

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Speaker 4: It's the Happy Famili's podcast. The podcast for the time

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Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we

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Speaker 4: have our two special guests. We've got a family gp

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Speaker 4: doctor Ginny Mansburg and Joe Lamble, who's clinical psychologists.

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Speaker 5: They wrote their book.

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Speaker 4: The New teen Age, and today we have been talking

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Speaker 4: to them about some of the things that we were

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Speaker 4: interested in as we read.

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Speaker 3: You know, I should just mention as well, we're giving

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Speaker 3: a book away, so hang around for the end and

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Speaker 3: we'll tell you about that. What's the chapter that was

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Speaker 3: most surprising to you?

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Speaker 4: Well, was really fascinated that acne got a chapter all

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Speaker 4: to itself. Ginny, you've talked about sleep, sex and STIs

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Speaker 4: vaping and acne.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Do you know what.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if you guys remember back to your

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Speaker 2: teenage years, but I feel like every second person was

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Speaker 2: a pizza face. That's me, the biggest pizza face on

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Speaker 2: the planet. These days, you don't see a lot of

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Speaker 2: kids with acne, but I see them in my surgery

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Speaker 2: because parents, because there aren't many pizza faces around, the

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Speaker 2: kids are really distressed by their acne. And it can

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Speaker 2: be really big divide between parents and their teenagers because

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Speaker 2: I think we often don't validate their perspectives on having zits.

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Speaker 2: As much as it really distresses them. And so we

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Speaker 2: really wanted to make sure that parents were competent because

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Speaker 2: you start saying bst kids and they can pick it

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Speaker 2: a mile off, and you know, you lose your credibility

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Speaker 2: in a heartbeat. That we wanted to make sure that

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Speaker 2: you had all the tools at your disposal to answer

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Speaker 2: their questions and to know when ah to see a doctor,

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Speaker 2: when just to go to pharmacy and get some skincare stuff,

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Speaker 2: when to go to a dermatologist, and so that you

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Speaker 2: weren't also saying rubbish like you know, cut out dairy

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Speaker 2: and stuff like that.

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Speaker 3: So just to be clear, acne is a big issue,

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Speaker 3: and I love the validation and the way that you

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Speaker 3: approach that, but I just I do want to highlight

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Speaker 3: acne is not the only chapter that you've written to help,

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Speaker 3: as you've talked about sleep.

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Speaker 5: And diet and.

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Speaker 3: The Crimson Tide, which I thought was also really helpful.

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Speaker 3: As a dad to six daughters, I was arsley until

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Speaker 3: I write my own book about teenage girls. I was

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Speaker 3: utterly clueless, and I started interviewing girls and realized that

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Speaker 3: that's a really big deal. The menstrual cycle is much

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Speaker 3: more of an issue than I think many dads and

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Speaker 3: maybe even many mums who are now used to it

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Speaker 3: and just know what it is.

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Speaker 5: It's pretty tough for teenager.

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Speaker 3: So some really great stuff, Joe. One last question that

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Speaker 3: I'd like to ask you, because I mean psychology degree,

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Speaker 3: clinical psychologists, it's kind of you're in my sweet spot.

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Speaker 3: I just talked to her mum just the other day,

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Speaker 3: and she said that her daughter was consistently abusive to her,

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Speaker 3: using the coursest of course language and telling her where

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Speaker 3: to go with that language.

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Speaker 5: And she was reading she was reading my book. Sorry,

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Speaker 5: not that I'm trying to she was reading. Sorry, just

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Speaker 5: saying she was reading.

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Speaker 3: My book about teenage girls, and she wanted some advice.

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Speaker 3: But you've backed this particular issue pretty nicely in your

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Speaker 3: chapter about kids and attitude and the whole get out

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Speaker 3: of my room thing. And I'm just curious, what do

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Speaker 3: you encourage parents to do in these confrontational situations where

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Speaker 3: they've got a teenager who's really angry. Maybe he is

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Speaker 3: being abusive, swearing, saying horrible, unkind and no good, very

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Speaker 3: bad things, and the parent.

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Speaker 5: Just is sort of stuck. What'll I do now?

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Speaker 6: Like everything, I think if you follow the rule empathy first,

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Speaker 6: you're going to get a lot further with your kids.

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Speaker 6: So I'm not saying that, you know, we should let

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Speaker 6: anybody abuse us. But if your teenager is abusing you

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Speaker 6: and saying the most frightening things, it's because they are

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Speaker 6: suffering in some way. Something is going on for them.

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Speaker 6: And if you just come down and say, do not

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Speaker 6: speak to me like that, come back when you've got

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Speaker 6: an excellent tone, then they will do that. They will

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Speaker 6: just turn around and walk out, and they they might

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Speaker 6: slam it all, they might leave the house, but you

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Speaker 6: will never find out what's going on for them. So

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Speaker 6: if you start with empathy, you can still give the

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Speaker 6: message that you don't want to be spoken to like that.

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Speaker 5: But if you.

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Speaker 6: Say something like whoa, Okay, my gosh, something is going

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Speaker 6: on for you right now? What is it? Why would

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Speaker 6: you talk to me like that? Please tell me. I

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Speaker 6: want to understand. I want to help if I can,

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Speaker 6: you are still giving them a message that you don't

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Speaker 6: want to be spoken to like that. You are still

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Speaker 6: saying that's not helpful or appropriate language. But you're coming

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Speaker 6: from a place of you wanting to help, you wanting

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Speaker 6: to understand and again, sometimes that really works if you

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Speaker 6: get my parents used. My kids used to call it

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Speaker 6: my rat face, which is very harsh, I thought. But anyway,

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Speaker 6: they said, I used to put this rat face on,

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Speaker 6: and by that I would try and channel all this

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Speaker 6: empathy into my face and say what on earth is

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Speaker 6: going on? And later we all laugh at that, because

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Speaker 6: but that was my attempt to say, okay, this is

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Speaker 6: not okay, but just stop and like you do withd

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Speaker 6: with toddlers, use your words. The other thing I've found

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Speaker 6: really helped with my kids, and I often advise parents,

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Speaker 6: is if they've just said something horrendous and they've been

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Speaker 6: quite abusive and left the room, what I used to

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Speaker 6: use do is text them. I'd often text and say, hey,

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Speaker 6: what was that? What on Earth is going on? And

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Speaker 6: that speaking their language because they're used to communicating in

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Speaker 6: that in that medium, but really helped. One day I

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Speaker 6: said that to my son. I was about to go

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Speaker 6: out with girlfriend for dinner, and he'd just really let

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Speaker 6: fly with something as I was leaving. So anyway, when

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Speaker 6: I got din, I said to my friend, I'm sorry,

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Speaker 6: but I'm just going to just text him for a second.

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Speaker 6: I text that what on Earth was that what's what's

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Speaker 6: going on? He wrote back said, Oh, I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 6: I've just broken up with my girlfriend. And I text back,

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Speaker 6: I didn't even know you had a girlfriend, said it's

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Speaker 6: only been two weeks, but I'm still upsetting. But it

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Speaker 6: was really good and it just and again that helped

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Speaker 6: over the years a lot, because you'd often get this,

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Speaker 6: I am so sorry, I'm just really stressed about this.

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Speaker 6: So this is going on, and then you'd say, okay,

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Speaker 6: can I come up and have a check. Can we

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Speaker 6: have a talk now? And that would often open the

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Speaker 6: communications that you can sit down and have a check.

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Speaker 6: So you've broken the ice by saying the most important message,

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Speaker 6: what is it? What is going on?

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Speaker 3: We've got one more question for you, And unfortunately then

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Speaker 3: our time is up.

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Speaker 4: Of all the questions you've been asked by patients and clients,

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Speaker 4: by parents and teens, what question has been the most

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Speaker 4: impactful or important to you?

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Speaker 6: Wow?

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Speaker 4: I asked the tough questions.

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Speaker 6: I think that what I I don't make you jinny.

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Speaker 6: But what I always find difficult is when a client

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Speaker 6: just in all their vulnerability, they've just opened up about

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Speaker 6: how they've really struggled. I have said, you know, that

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Speaker 6: they'd asked that standard question, what would you do if

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Speaker 6: this were your child? And it is it's a really

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Speaker 6: hard one to answer because, as Ginny said, only the

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Speaker 6: parents know the child well enough to know what is

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Speaker 6: the best way to handle that situation, and what may

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Speaker 6: be what I might advise for a client on how

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Speaker 6: they could help their child might not be what I

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Speaker 6: would have done or what I would do. But when

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Speaker 6: I try and explain that to them, it always sounds

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Speaker 6: like a cop out because they're saying, oh, you're just

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Speaker 6: saying that, you know, because I think they feel like

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Speaker 6: I'm saying they're a bad parent when I'm not. So

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Speaker 6: I know I'm not really answering the question really well.

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Speaker 6: But I find it really hard when I'm put on

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Speaker 6: the spot to say what would you do in this situation?

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Speaker 6: Because I think that's just too big a question to

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Speaker 6: answer because I don't know their child.

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Speaker 3: Beautiful answer, what about you? What's the question that's had

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Speaker 3: the most impact on you?

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Speaker 2: So I guess as clinicians people think that what they say,

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Speaker 2: we've heard it all before. We have, except that there

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Speaker 2: will be every day at least one patient that we

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Speaker 2: go home, and it's a big body blow and you've

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Speaker 2: just got to process that. And you know, some of

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Speaker 2: the things that we hear are quite heartbreaking for us personally,

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Speaker 2: and I think it's just good to reflect on that.

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Speaker 2: I guess when I see a parent who has just

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Speaker 2: been so hurt and it's so afraid for their child

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Speaker 2: that they are quite derisive of their children and attribute

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Speaker 2: to their children mal intent or almost believe that their

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Speaker 2: children is sort of inhabited by some incarnation of people,

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Speaker 2: I find that just personally quite distressing, and I probably

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Speaker 2: shouldn't and I don't judge any literally, we don't judge anybody.

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Speaker 2: It's not that and I try and put myself in

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Speaker 2: their shoes. But the thing that I will go home

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Speaker 2: and lose sleepover is probably the parent who has really

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Speaker 2: fallen hard out of love with their kid. Would just

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Speaker 2: break my heart.

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Speaker 3: Well, I think that the book that you've written is

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Speaker 3: going to help parents to very much fall back in

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Speaker 3: love with their teens if they've fallen out. The New

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Speaker 3: Teenage How to Support Today's Twins and teens to become healthy,

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Speaker 3: happy adults by doctor Ginny Mansburg and Joe Lamble. It's

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Speaker 3: just been such a treat talking to you both today.

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Speaker 5: Thanks so much for your time, thank you for having us.

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Speaker 3: And we're going to be giving away a copy of

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Speaker 3: The New Teenage. You can get it anywhere that you

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Speaker 3: buy books, but you can also get one for free

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Speaker 3: by visiting our Facebook page. We're going to have a

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Speaker 3: post up as this episode drops, and we're just going

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Speaker 3: to ask you to tell us how you've fallen in

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Speaker 3: love with your teenager again. We'll select a win that

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Speaker 3: at random. Ginny Joe, thanks so much for you wisdom

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Speaker 3: and good luck with the book The.

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Speaker 6: New teen Thank you guys. Thanks guys, We.

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Speaker 3: Really hope that you enjoyed The Happy Families podcast as

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Speaker 3: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is

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Speaker 3: our executive producer and if you'd like more info about

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Speaker 3: making your family happy up you can grab Ginny and

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Speaker 3: Joe's book, The New Teenage or visit Happyfamilies dot com

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Speaker 3: dot au