1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,560 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers. 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:12,960 Speaker 2: Now, Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson today, a guest 4 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Speaker 2: on the podcast that I'm so excited to be able 5 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,360 Speaker 2: to speak with. If I was to put together a 6 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:20,959 Speaker 2: list of favorite authors, favorite influencers, people who have done 7 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:24,919 Speaker 2: things that are talk worthy, right at the top of 8 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,079 Speaker 2: the list would be a guy by the name of 9 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:29,440 Speaker 2: Daniel Pink. Dan Pink is the author of five New 10 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:33,319 Speaker 2: York Times best sellers, including his latest book, The. 11 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:37,240 Speaker 1: Power of Regret, How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. 12 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,880 Speaker 2: He also wrote a book that almost everyone in the 13 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,760 Speaker 2: entire world has read, I'm sure, called Drive, And he 14 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 2: had a book just come out in the last year 15 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:47,239 Speaker 2: or so as well called When He's Prolific. 16 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:48,199 Speaker 1: That's all I can say. 17 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,800 Speaker 2: He's had a TV show and national geographic that's been 18 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 2: seen in like one hundred countries, writes for all of 19 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,840 Speaker 2: the big publications in the US and around the world, 20 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,040 Speaker 2: and has done a whole lot more stuff. And Dan 21 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 2: joins me for a conversation about his brand new book, 22 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 2: The Power of Regret, How Looking Backwood Moves Us Forward. Dan, 23 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,200 Speaker 2: thanks for being on the Happy Families podcast. This is 24 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:09,720 Speaker 2: an absolute delight. 25 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 3: I'm glad to be with you justin thanks for having me, So. 26 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 1: Dan, I'm going to show you my phone just here 27 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:14,800 Speaker 1: for a sec. 28 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:18,039 Speaker 2: It's literally gone blank as I picked it up on 29 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,040 Speaker 2: the let me find it here. On the twenty fourth 30 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:25,120 Speaker 2: of the fourth twenty twenty one, I wrote this little 31 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,640 Speaker 2: note to myself that I wanted to write a book 32 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:31,720 Speaker 2: all about the power of regret. In fact, I've come 33 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:33,959 Speaker 2: up with the opener. I wrote, of all the words 34 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,319 Speaker 2: of tongue and pen the saddest star, what could have 35 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,240 Speaker 2: been a little couplet. I thought, let's write a book 36 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,840 Speaker 2: about regrets, the science of regret, examples of people's regret. 37 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:44,160 Speaker 2: Should we avoid regret? Or is it our best teacher? 38 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:46,520 Speaker 2: I thought, there's something in this. I've got an idea. 39 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,520 Speaker 2: I reckon it could be a New York Times bestseller. 40 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,000 Speaker 2: And I regret taking so long to get onto it. 41 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:53,720 Speaker 2: But somehow I think that you did a better job 42 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:54,520 Speaker 2: than I would have done. 43 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 3: You know, I wish you would have done. It would 44 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,440 Speaker 3: have saved me a lot of grief of writing. 45 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,640 Speaker 2: This book, So Dan, so many people say that they 46 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 2: don't have regrets. You've touched on that in the book. 47 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:04,920 Speaker 2: Why do you think they're saying that they don't have 48 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,640 Speaker 2: any regrets? And you actually rejected outright, why do you 49 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:09,000 Speaker 2: do that? 50 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:12,639 Speaker 3: Well, let's talk about the baseline first, is that everybody 51 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:15,920 Speaker 3: has regrets. What we know from sixty years of science 52 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,400 Speaker 3: in psychology, neuroscience, cognitive science, development of psychology, is that 53 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,960 Speaker 3: regret is one of the most common emotions that human 54 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:26,480 Speaker 3: beings have. It's arguably the most common negative emotion that 55 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:31,000 Speaker 3: human beings have. If you don't have regrets, it means 56 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 3: you're probably a five year old, or you have some 57 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:36,400 Speaker 3: brain disorder, or your a sociopath. But everybody has regrets. 58 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,040 Speaker 3: So why would people say that right when we know 59 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,079 Speaker 3: that everybody has regrets? And I think it's a really 60 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,639 Speaker 3: intriguing question justin I think one of them is I 61 00:02:43,639 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 3: think part of it is that people think that that 62 00:02:45,639 --> 00:02:48,639 Speaker 3: is courageous, that that's a sign of courage. I don't 63 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 3: have any regrets. You know, I'm bold, I'm courageous, right. 64 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,120 Speaker 3: I think that's one reason. I think another reason is 65 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:58,519 Speaker 3: that people are over indexed on positivity. They think that 66 00:02:58,600 --> 00:02:59,960 Speaker 3: the way to lead a good life is to have 67 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,840 Speaker 3: only positive emotions. And no negative emotions. And I think 68 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,000 Speaker 3: another reason is that we don't know what to do 69 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,360 Speaker 3: with our regrets, so it's much easier to ignore than 70 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,440 Speaker 3: or bury them. It turns out that we have a 71 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,560 Speaker 3: half century of science saying that is a colossally bad idea. 72 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,320 Speaker 3: So what I'm trying to do in part in this 73 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:20,720 Speaker 3: book is normalize this emotion of regret because it's normal. 74 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,240 Speaker 2: There's a parent on page forty four of the book 75 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:28,200 Speaker 2: who says one of her great regrets is and I quote, 76 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,040 Speaker 2: I yelled at my daughter when she was five on 77 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,320 Speaker 2: the way to school when she spilled some yogat on 78 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,000 Speaker 2: her uniform. I really lated to her, and I've regretted 79 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,880 Speaker 2: it ever since. She didn't deserve that. I upset her 80 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,560 Speaker 2: so much, and for what a bit of a stain 81 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 2: on her uniform. I will never stop regretting that moment. 82 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,840 Speaker 2: I've never yielded her in that way again. So I 83 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:46,400 Speaker 2: learned from that mistake, but I wish I could take 84 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,080 Speaker 2: that moment back. 85 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 1: Now. I read that and I thought two things. 86 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,040 Speaker 2: Number one, I relate, But number two, if that's the 87 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:52,680 Speaker 2: worst thing she's ever done, she must be a pretty 88 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:53,080 Speaker 2: good mum. 89 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,320 Speaker 3: It's an interesting thing about what people regret. Obviously this 90 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,800 Speaker 3: and I think that tells us something. Okay, so let's 91 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 3: let's let's probe that just a little bit. Think about 92 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:05,119 Speaker 3: that mom or think about any parent, all right, Think 93 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,600 Speaker 3: about all the decisions that you make as a parent. 94 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:09,520 Speaker 3: Think about all the decisions you made as a parent 95 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:13,360 Speaker 3: yesterday or last week or last year. Think about all 96 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,159 Speaker 3: the actions you took as a parent yesterday or last 97 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:21,640 Speaker 3: week or last year. Most of them you me, I 98 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:22,719 Speaker 3: don't even remember. 99 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:23,640 Speaker 1: Okay. 100 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,440 Speaker 3: So if you have an action or a decision or 101 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,320 Speaker 3: something that happens to you, and not only do you 102 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,760 Speaker 3: remember it, which itself is amazing, but you remember it 103 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:35,719 Speaker 3: and it makes you feel bad, that's a very very 104 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:42,120 Speaker 3: very very strong signal. And so my guess with this person, 105 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,880 Speaker 3: and what is it a signal off? It's a signal 106 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,400 Speaker 3: of And this is the thing about regret. Regret clarifies 107 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:49,600 Speaker 3: what we value and instructs us on how to do better. Now, 108 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,240 Speaker 3: it sounds I did not interview that person. That was 109 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,360 Speaker 3: an anonymous entry and among the regrets that I collected, 110 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 3: But my guess is that that person has actually used 111 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:03,200 Speaker 3: that as instruction for the future. But I think the 112 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,280 Speaker 3: other thing about it is that it probably raised the 113 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 3: question of what she values. And I think what she 114 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,599 Speaker 3: values this kindness not only toward her children, but toward 115 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 3: toward other people. And so in that sense, this negative 116 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,960 Speaker 3: feeling is actually incredibly helpful because in this case, it's 117 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,960 Speaker 3: a message to this this parent saying, you know what, 118 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,520 Speaker 3: I actually value kindness more than I expect, and I've 119 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:23,119 Speaker 3: been falling down on that. I need to be kinder 120 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:26,400 Speaker 3: more broadly. Second, it's offering her instruction about how to 121 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,799 Speaker 3: deal with her kids. Now what she could have said, 122 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:32,760 Speaker 3: no regrets, I'll let my kid who cares? All Right, 123 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,359 Speaker 3: that's not a good idea. That's not a good idea 124 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,560 Speaker 3: because you don't learn of anything from that. And so 125 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:42,320 Speaker 3: now I'll tell you it's also a bad idea. I 126 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,599 Speaker 3: yellt up my kid. Oh my god, I am the 127 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,880 Speaker 3: worst parent there ever was. I'm going to wallow in 128 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:48,719 Speaker 3: that regret. I'm going to rum it. That's a bad 129 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 3: idea too. What we want to do is we want 130 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,400 Speaker 3: to use those regrets as a signal, as information, as data, 131 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:58,119 Speaker 3: enlist them, draw lessons from them, and use those lessons 132 00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:58,840 Speaker 3: to move forward. 133 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,440 Speaker 2: I want to talk about those lists since in just 134 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,120 Speaker 2: to say, but first a little bit of autobiography, if 135 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:03,520 Speaker 2: I can. 136 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,480 Speaker 1: My career is built on regret. 137 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:10,039 Speaker 2: Uh early literally early mistakes that I made as a father. 138 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:14,760 Speaker 2: I couldn't be more grateful for my regrets, couldn't be 139 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:15,560 Speaker 2: more grateful for them. 140 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:16,960 Speaker 1: And and in the power of regret. 141 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,359 Speaker 2: In your book, you talk a lot about how we 142 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,960 Speaker 2: can reframe regret. We can look at what that mom 143 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,280 Speaker 2: did and how she, instead of beating herself up, can 144 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,480 Speaker 2: say this is a learning opportunity. 145 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,279 Speaker 1: How does this reframing work? 146 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,279 Speaker 3: Well, I mean, what we I mean, what we want 147 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,919 Speaker 3: to do, as I said before, is find the third 148 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,760 Speaker 3: way again, don't ignore, don't wilow and confront. Now, how 149 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,360 Speaker 3: do we do that? To me, there's a there's a 150 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,960 Speaker 3: there's a there's a process that we should go through. 151 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,960 Speaker 3: It's it's relatively simple. It is that no one and 152 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,760 Speaker 3: it's rooted in science, is that no one ever talks 153 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,279 Speaker 3: about it, no one ever, no one ever taught us 154 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,560 Speaker 3: how to do it. So the first step, if we 155 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,880 Speaker 3: can think of it as three stages, inward outward forward, inward, 156 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,720 Speaker 3: outward forward, so inward is your first step, is how 157 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:58,839 Speaker 3: do you reframe how you think of yourself and and 158 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,560 Speaker 3: think of the regret. And one of the things that 159 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,760 Speaker 3: we see is that when we screw up as parents 160 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:06,719 Speaker 3: or as people or people who are parents, the way 161 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 3: we talk to ourselves is brutal. 162 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 1: It's cruel. 163 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 3: Our self talk is often lacerating. That's a bad idea. 164 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,000 Speaker 3: There's no evidence that's effective. What we should be doing 165 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 3: in the face of these mistakes is treating ourselves with 166 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 3: kindness rather than contempt. Recognizing that our mistakes are part 167 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 3: of the human condition. That itself is really important. I've 168 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,160 Speaker 3: collected regrets from all over the world. Any regret that 169 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,400 Speaker 3: any parent out there has, I got it in my database. 170 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:31,560 Speaker 3: I mean, you know, our regrets are part of the 171 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,600 Speaker 3: human condition. The other thing that I think is important 172 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:36,920 Speaker 3: for parents is that when you screw up, when you 173 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,720 Speaker 3: make a mistake, that's a moment in your life. It's 174 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,840 Speaker 3: not the full measure of your life. That's a moment 175 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:45,760 Speaker 3: in your parenting history. It's not the full definition of 176 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 3: your parenting history. And so when we do that that 177 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:53,240 Speaker 3: inward look frees us up to do the more cognitive 178 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,080 Speaker 3: work of making sense of our regret and drawing lessons 179 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:56,440 Speaker 3: from it. 180 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,360 Speaker 2: In the book, you talk about at leasting and if 181 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 2: only can you maybe step through those strategies. I feel 182 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,520 Speaker 2: like they're just so immensely perfectly practical for what a 183 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,920 Speaker 2: parent can do when they blow it, when they lose 184 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 2: it with their kids, or when they're impatient or completely 185 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:12,360 Speaker 2: fail to show up. 186 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:18,960 Speaker 3: So regret is driven powered by something called counterfactual thinking, 187 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 3: that our brains can't imagine events that run counter to 188 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,680 Speaker 3: the actual facts. And there are two types of counterfactual thinking. 189 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:31,080 Speaker 3: There is what psychologists call upward counterfactuals, where you imagine 190 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,679 Speaker 3: how things could have been better. If only I had 191 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:39,040 Speaker 3: married Edward instead of Frank, my life would be better, right, 192 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:42,080 Speaker 3: so you imagine not things could be better upward counterfactual. 193 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:46,880 Speaker 3: They are also something known as a downward counterfactual, where 194 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:49,320 Speaker 3: you imagine how things could have turned out worse, where 195 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,000 Speaker 3: you say, I regret marrying Edward, but at least I 196 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,319 Speaker 3: have these two great kids. Okay, so you find the 197 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 3: silver line again. And here's what we know upward counterfactuals. 198 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:05,280 Speaker 3: If only regret is the poster child of upward counterfactor rules. 199 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:09,600 Speaker 3: If only make us feel worse, but help us do 200 00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:13,960 Speaker 3: better at least, don't help us do better, But they 201 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,240 Speaker 3: help us feel better, and sometimes that's okay, And so 202 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,640 Speaker 3: there are times where you actually want to do it, 203 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,240 Speaker 3: at least with a regret, just to make yourself feel 204 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:25,160 Speaker 3: better and move on. So you could say something like 205 00:09:25,559 --> 00:09:28,560 Speaker 3: the mommy you were talking about before, I regret yelling 206 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:32,080 Speaker 3: at my kid for spilling yogurt on her uniform. But 207 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,240 Speaker 3: at least I didn't do that a second time, at 208 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,840 Speaker 3: least I didn't escalate it. At least I apologized, and 209 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,840 Speaker 3: that can actually mitigate some of the psychological sting. 210 00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 2: Dan, if you would have give tempo parents who feel 211 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:48,360 Speaker 2: overwhelmed any advice at all, what would what would it be? 212 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,000 Speaker 2: I mean, the role of parenting is it's like Sissyphus 213 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:52,959 Speaker 2: and the Stone right. Every single day we've got to 214 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,600 Speaker 2: get up and we've got to do it again. So much, 215 00:09:54,880 --> 00:10:00,600 Speaker 2: so much of parenting is correction and direction, so little 216 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 2: time for connection, and we get it wrong because we're 217 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:07,560 Speaker 2: so busy intensifying our parenting efforts. When you think about 218 00:10:07,559 --> 00:10:09,720 Speaker 2: all the things that you read and you'll regret survey, 219 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 2: when you think about all the things that like the 220 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,959 Speaker 2: real message of the power of regret and you apply 221 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,720 Speaker 2: it to what it feels like to be a parent. 222 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:20,280 Speaker 2: I mean, you've got kids yourself, how do you how 223 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,200 Speaker 2: do you take that Internet into something that's really useful 224 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,320 Speaker 2: as parents are struggling with the every day of parenting. 225 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,680 Speaker 3: There are a whole bunch of things justin that people 226 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 3: can do here. So let me offer a few sort 227 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,120 Speaker 3: of practical tips. One of them is that it's very 228 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:36,040 Speaker 3: important that we normalize as emotion of regret, one of 229 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,120 Speaker 3: the things that we see, especially with adolescents. And you 230 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:41,719 Speaker 3: know this is especially here in the States, I think 231 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:45,560 Speaker 3: maybe less so, but still in Australia. Is some serious 232 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:50,920 Speaker 3: mental health challenges among young people and teenagers around the world, 233 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 3: and I think part of that is that we haven't 234 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,640 Speaker 3: equipped them well enough to deal with negative emotions. So 235 00:10:55,679 --> 00:10:59,360 Speaker 3: when they feel a negative emotion, because we haven't equipped them, 236 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,160 Speaker 3: they look around and say, oh my god, it's like 237 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,319 Speaker 3: I'm feeling bad right now. I'm feeling crappy right now, 238 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,880 Speaker 3: but everybody else is so perfect. Wow, there must be 239 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,520 Speaker 3: something wrong with me, and so what we should do. 240 00:11:09,559 --> 00:11:11,600 Speaker 3: So here's so one parenting tip, and I think it's 241 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:16,679 Speaker 3: extremely useful as this. Talk to your kids about a 242 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,080 Speaker 3: regret that you have. Tell your kids about a regret 243 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 3: that you have, but don't stop there, tell them what 244 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:25,280 Speaker 3: you learn from it, and tell them what you're gonna 245 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,040 Speaker 3: do about it. And I think that that will trigger, 246 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:32,120 Speaker 3: especially for teenagers, a very very powerful and enlightening conversation. 247 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,400 Speaker 3: So that's one thing I think that parents can do. 248 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,960 Speaker 3: Another thing that parents can do is think about as 249 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:41,320 Speaker 3: they anticipate their regrets. So anticipate their regrets we know 250 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,920 Speaker 3: from I did a massive collection of regrets from around 251 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,200 Speaker 3: the world and found that around the world people seem 252 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,440 Speaker 3: to have the same four core regrets. So as you 253 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:51,600 Speaker 3: anticipate your regrets as a parent, I would really steer 254 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:55,720 Speaker 3: them around doing good enough on most things, but actually 255 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:58,959 Speaker 3: making sure you avoid these four core regrets. Was one 256 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:03,439 Speaker 3: of them. Is, you know, the regret about not providing stability, huge, 257 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,760 Speaker 3: huge parental regret, what I call a foundation regret. The 258 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:10,120 Speaker 3: regret about not taking a sensible risk, taking an adventure 259 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,360 Speaker 3: with your family, big regret that parents have. I regret 260 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,199 Speaker 3: about doing the wrong thing, as we saw with the 261 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,600 Speaker 3: mom who yet at her kid, and also regrets about 262 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:24,000 Speaker 3: reaching out. So if you say, you know what, my kid, 263 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:27,040 Speaker 3: and it's not going to matter whether we bought strawberry 264 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,520 Speaker 3: yogurt today or cherry yogurt today. It's not going to 265 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,320 Speaker 3: matter what ultimately you know if I have a healthy lunch, 266 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,320 Speaker 3: what my kid is eating for lunch today. Like, there's 267 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 3: so many decisions parents make, and most of them you 268 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 3: won't remember, but there's some incredibly significant ones that matter 269 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:44,240 Speaker 3: a lot. So when you try to anticipate your regrets 270 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,080 Speaker 3: as a parent, anticipate regrets you might have about not 271 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,360 Speaker 3: providing stability, regrets you might have about not providing your 272 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,560 Speaker 3: family opportunities to learn and grow, regrets you might have 273 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,360 Speaker 3: about taking the low road or not doing the right thing, 274 00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:00,480 Speaker 3: being immoral, and then regrets that you might have about 275 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:03,679 Speaker 3: not reaching out to your kids, but also to everybody 276 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:04,360 Speaker 3: else in life. 277 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,120 Speaker 1: Dan, I love this. You've actually inspired me. 278 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,160 Speaker 2: I've been having a conversation with my wife Kylie over 279 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,440 Speaker 2: the last couple of weeks. She wants to have more holidays, 280 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,599 Speaker 2: she wants to take more vacations, more time away with 281 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,120 Speaker 2: the family. Because I'm the dad and I'm always worried 282 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 2: about how much money we've got and whether we can 283 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,600 Speaker 2: afford this, so we can afford that, I've been sort 284 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,720 Speaker 2: of thinking my heels are saying, let's just have a staycation. 285 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,320 Speaker 2: We'll stay home, we'll just visit the beach nearby. It'll 286 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,400 Speaker 2: be fine. I can't believe I'm sharing this with you, 287 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 2: but I regret the conversation I had with my wife 288 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,560 Speaker 2: the other day, and I feel like I need to 289 00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:32,760 Speaker 2: go to her and say I'm sorry. We actually we 290 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,559 Speaker 2: do need to put ourselves into more debt so that 291 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,199 Speaker 2: we can have that holiday, because I think the kids 292 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,840 Speaker 2: aren't going to care about the size of the credit 293 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,360 Speaker 2: card dead as much as they're going to enjoy that 294 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,439 Speaker 2: opportunity to be away with the family and have that experience. 295 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:42,880 Speaker 1: Yeah. 296 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,760 Speaker 3: I mean, that's a tricky one. That's a tricky one 297 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,679 Speaker 3: because it's in some ways the particular situation that you're 298 00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:52,800 Speaker 3: describing as sort of a balance between stability and stability 299 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,480 Speaker 3: and boldness. I don't want to take that lately. What 300 00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:57,840 Speaker 3: you do have. It's interesting. It's funny you say that. 301 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,240 Speaker 3: It's interesting to say that I just got any mail 302 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:04,080 Speaker 3: from a reader. This reader is in the US city 303 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:07,520 Speaker 3: of Kansas City. I mean literally, like, what, no, not 304 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:11,440 Speaker 3: not today, but yesterday? Who said My bigger regret is 305 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,560 Speaker 3: that no joke about this. My bigger regret is that 306 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 3: I didn't spend enough money when I when my family 307 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:24,120 Speaker 3: was younger, I was too nervous that we were going 308 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:27,280 Speaker 3: to go into the poorhouse if we did anything. And 309 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:29,720 Speaker 3: now I am. I can't remember his age, but he was, 310 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,880 Speaker 3: you know, in his sixties, and he actually tragically lost 311 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:36,560 Speaker 3: to one of his kids. Now I would do anything 312 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 3: to go back in time and do something because I 313 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 3: realized that now I have the money, but I don't 314 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,280 Speaker 3: have any memory. I don't have these memories. 315 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:47,200 Speaker 1: Just going to text her to dance. 316 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,880 Speaker 2: I can renovate the house, or I can go on 317 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,760 Speaker 2: a holiday, and I think that the. 318 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,240 Speaker 1: Kids's gonna be gonna be much. 319 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,040 Speaker 3: I'm gonna tell you which one. Yeah, that's a tough 320 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,080 Speaker 3: one because you're directly pairing those two things against each other. 321 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 3: That said, one of the things that you see, it's funny. 322 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,760 Speaker 3: Let's leave the world of science for a second and 323 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 3: just I can talk about my own experience. I remember 324 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:12,680 Speaker 3: when I have three kids. They're now between the ages 325 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 3: of nineteen and twenty five, twenty six. 326 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,880 Speaker 1: Now, the kids changing, Why do they do that? 327 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,560 Speaker 3: I know, it's amazing every year, it seems like it's 328 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,800 Speaker 3: a different number. One of the things that an old 329 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,040 Speaker 3: boss of mine told me when I first had kids, 330 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,560 Speaker 3: was pay attention. It's going to go really fast. And 331 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:34,160 Speaker 3: I'm like, all right, old man, And then I realized, like, god, dang, 332 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,400 Speaker 3: he was right. I mean, and so is it going 333 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:38,600 Speaker 3: to matter all that much if you pay off your mortgage, 334 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,360 Speaker 3: you know, this year or two years from now, But 335 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:45,680 Speaker 3: your kids are only going to be nine and eleven once. 336 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,120 Speaker 3: So again, I don't want to be I don't want 337 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,800 Speaker 3: to take this. I don't want to take those kinds 338 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 3: of situations that parents have lightly at all. But these 339 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,800 Speaker 3: are worthy things to think about. And I think more 340 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 3: broadly is that if you make these kinds of decisions 341 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:01,400 Speaker 3: and it's a mistake, talk to your kids about it. 342 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,040 Speaker 3: Here's the thing. I mean, you know this from your 343 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:06,280 Speaker 3: research and from your own lived experience. I think one 344 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:08,880 Speaker 3: thing that parents don't realize is that their kids listen 345 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,480 Speaker 3: to them way less than they think, and they watch 346 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:14,320 Speaker 3: them way more than they think. All right, That to 347 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,920 Speaker 3: me is like a central fact of parenthood. And so 348 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:23,400 Speaker 3: if you demonstrate these behaviors of normalizing regret, if you show, hey, 349 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 3: I'd made this mistake when I was younger, it hurt. 350 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:29,240 Speaker 3: I didn't enjoy it. But I learned this lesson and 351 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:32,560 Speaker 3: now I'm doing this instead your kids, and you show 352 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,160 Speaker 3: them what you're doing, your kids are going to pay 353 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,560 Speaker 3: attention to that. Your kids are going to pay attention 354 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,520 Speaker 3: to that far more than if you wag your finger 355 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:38,880 Speaker 3: at them. 356 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, this has been the best part of the interview. 357 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,520 Speaker 2: I'm so grateful for what you just shared. I feel 358 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:43,880 Speaker 2: like we've just had a little therapy session. 359 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:44,720 Speaker 1: Dan. That was beautiful. 360 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,760 Speaker 2: And I know that we barely know each other and 361 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,760 Speaker 2: we're talking in a public sphere here with a podcast. 362 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,720 Speaker 2: But when you reflect on your life, and I'm sure 363 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 2: you've been asked this question many times because of the 364 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,640 Speaker 2: book you've written, Dan, but what stands out to you 365 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,360 Speaker 2: is sig regret. Is there anything that sort of that 366 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,640 Speaker 2: that you're comfortable is closing where you just think, ah, gee, 367 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,560 Speaker 2: I shouldn't have I shouldn't have said Yes, I shouldn't 368 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:07,240 Speaker 2: have done that thing. 369 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:08,560 Speaker 1: What do you do? 370 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,880 Speaker 3: I have a lot of regrets. I have a lot 371 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:14,840 Speaker 3: of regrets. I have many many regrets. Now you know, 372 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,280 Speaker 3: I have learned over the years and through this research 373 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,280 Speaker 3: not to let them debilitate me. Uh and the and 374 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,440 Speaker 3: and they don't. But but I still have regrets. Like 375 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:24,560 Speaker 3: I'll give you one example. 376 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:25,360 Speaker 1: I have a lot of. 377 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:29,400 Speaker 3: Regrets about kindness from when I was younger. And what's 378 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,480 Speaker 3: interesting is that in all these regrets that I've collected 379 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,680 Speaker 3: for this book, there are a lot of regrets about bullying, Okay, 380 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,240 Speaker 3: from from younger. I was amazed at how many regrets 381 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,240 Speaker 3: all over the world where people regret having bullied somebody. 382 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,119 Speaker 3: They didn't. They don't regret being on the receiving end 383 00:17:42,119 --> 00:17:45,200 Speaker 3: of the bullying. They people regretting being the bully. Now, 384 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:49,000 Speaker 3: fortunately for my psychological health, I was never a bully. 385 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:53,240 Speaker 3: But when I was younger, as a teenager, as a 386 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:57,080 Speaker 3: university student, even as a young professional, there were instances 387 00:17:57,119 --> 00:18:01,200 Speaker 3: where I saw people not being treated by well, people 388 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:06,480 Speaker 3: being excluded, people not being treated fairly. I saw it. 389 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,920 Speaker 3: I knew it was wrong, and I didn't say a word. 390 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:16,280 Speaker 3: And that has bugged me for decades now, same kind 391 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,920 Speaker 3: of thing, it's the same kind of thing. What that's 392 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:23,240 Speaker 3: a very normal experience that What's the key here is 393 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,399 Speaker 3: what do I do with that emotion? What do I 394 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,679 Speaker 3: do with that stomach churning feeling that I'm describing. I 395 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,880 Speaker 3: can't ignore it. I can say no regrets. I'm positive 396 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,960 Speaker 3: all the time. I never look backward. What's past. This 397 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:41,040 Speaker 3: past bad idea. I can also say, oh my god, 398 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:46,600 Speaker 3: I am the worst, most wretched, vicious human being that 399 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:50,200 Speaker 3: has ever walked the face of earth. I am terrible. 400 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,440 Speaker 3: That's a bad idea too. What I should be doing 401 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,480 Speaker 3: is saying, Wow, I feel crappy. This makes me feel bad. 402 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,879 Speaker 3: That's a signal. What's it telling me? And in the 403 00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:03,480 Speaker 3: in similar to the case with the yogurt mom, what 404 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,639 Speaker 3: it's telling me and it has helped me is like 405 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,560 Speaker 3: I actually value kindness more than I might consciously realize. 406 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 3: And it also instructs me to to be more inclusive, 407 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,560 Speaker 3: to stand up when someone's being mistreated, to bring people, 408 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,920 Speaker 3: to bring people in. And I've really tried that. Now. 409 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,159 Speaker 3: Had I not reckon with that, I don't know. If 410 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,800 Speaker 3: I would have done that, I would you know, I 411 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,280 Speaker 3: either would have felt really I would have increasingly felt worse, 412 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,560 Speaker 3: or I would have not learned that lesson. But by 413 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:33,159 Speaker 3: dealing with their regrets, we can we can learn things 414 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:37,560 Speaker 3: and you and enlist them to be better parents, better employees, 415 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,800 Speaker 3: better human beings. You know, it reminds me a little 416 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,639 Speaker 3: bit of your first question, which is that when people 417 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:47,040 Speaker 3: profess that they have no regrets, I think that part 418 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:51,120 Speaker 3: of it is that it is a form of performed courage. 419 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:52,600 Speaker 3: They think this is what it means to be a 420 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,800 Speaker 3: courageous person. But that's not courage. Courage is looking your 421 00:19:56,800 --> 00:20:00,520 Speaker 3: regrets in the eye and doing something about them. And 422 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,960 Speaker 3: so you know, and I think that parents who demonstrate 423 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,359 Speaker 3: courage are good parents. Parents who demonst read courage are 424 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,080 Speaker 3: teaching their kids valuable, valuable lessons. 425 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,280 Speaker 2: Dan, this has been just it's been a highlight. What 426 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,320 Speaker 2: a great conversation. Thank you so much for your generosity 427 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:16,040 Speaker 2: in sharing what you have. 428 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:17,520 Speaker 1: The book is called The Power of Regret. 429 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,760 Speaker 2: For people who want more information about Dan Pink and 430 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,280 Speaker 2: everything that you do, where can they go? 431 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:21,840 Speaker 1: What can they do? 432 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:23,960 Speaker 3: Good to Danpink dot com, d A N p I 433 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,480 Speaker 3: MK dot com. We've got a free newsletter, all kinds 434 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,159 Speaker 3: of videos and all kinds of great stuff. 435 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:31,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, I love it. I received the newsletter as regularly 436 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,639 Speaker 2: as it comes out. I don't know how often it 437 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,479 Speaker 2: pops up in my inbox, but I love receiving it. Dan, 438 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,199 Speaker 2: thanks so much for being on a Happy Families podcast. 439 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,520 Speaker 2: It's been a real delight to be with you. 440 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:39,400 Speaker 3: A pleasure. Thanks for having me, Justin. 441 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,200 Speaker 1: That was Daniel Pink. 442 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,600 Speaker 2: You can find out all about Dan Pink by going 443 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,280 Speaker 2: to his website, and we'll also link to that and 444 00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:49,080 Speaker 2: his books in the show notes. Ah Man, I've got 445 00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 2: to say just before we wrap up the podcast. I've 446 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,840 Speaker 2: interviewed a whole lot of people for this podcast, and in 447 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,200 Speaker 2: a whole range of different ways, but talking to Dan 448 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,920 Speaker 2: Pink is one of the highlights of my life and 449 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,840 Speaker 2: of the podcast. What an absolute what an absolute superstar. 450 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,360 Speaker 1: So glad that he was able. 451 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,480 Speaker 2: To join me on the podcast, A real thrill. I 452 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,000 Speaker 2: hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. All 453 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,320 Speaker 2: the details are in the show notes. As I've mentioned already, 454 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,480 Speaker 2: I'm sort of gushing, are I. The Happy Family's podcast 455 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:18,000 Speaker 2: is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. 456 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:19,800 Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. 457 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,119 Speaker 2: If you'd like more information about making your family happy it, 458 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:23,959 Speaker 2: please visit us at happy families dot com. 459 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:32,960 Speaker 3: Do you