1 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,719 Speaker 1: Today answering your questions on the Happy Family's podcast about 2 00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:11,240 Speaker 1: a husband who refuses to pull his weight and leaves 3 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: the house and mass leaves everything for his wife to do. 4 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:17,239 Speaker 1: What is going on there? As well as that a 5 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:20,840 Speaker 1: twelve year old who is dealing with massive anxiety, can't 6 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:23,599 Speaker 1: go to sleep at night, has no friends, and is 7 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:27,560 Speaker 1: causing so much stress and challenge in the home. Stay 8 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: with us. Hello, my name is doctor Justin Courson. Welcome 9 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:34,479 Speaker 1: to the Happy Famili's podcast. Is so good to have 10 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,400 Speaker 1: you here. If you would like to know about how 11 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,400 Speaker 1: to make your family happier, if you'd like to know 12 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 1: about how to improve your well being, if you'd like 13 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,480 Speaker 1: to know about how to make your relationships stronger. In fact, 14 00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: if you'd like to ask me anything at all, just 15 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:48,159 Speaker 1: to submit your questions with the super simple system at 16 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,320 Speaker 1: Happy families dot com dot au. All you have to 17 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,519 Speaker 1: do is go to the homepage, click the record button 18 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:56,640 Speaker 1: at the podcast section, and start talking. That is literally it. 19 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:00,000 Speaker 1: Let's fire this one up. The first question comes from 20 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:03,640 Speaker 1: somebody who is anonymous, and this is what they've asked. 21 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:08,000 Speaker 2: Hey, Justin and Kylie incredibly frustrated right now. I can't 22 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:11,360 Speaker 2: be everything to everyone. My husband acts like he doesn't 23 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 2: expect anything of me, but then when he needs to 24 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 2: step up, he just can't. I honestly think it's feigned 25 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:20,560 Speaker 2: in competence. I got the house prepared for the school 26 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,720 Speaker 2: holidays so that it was easy to have time with 27 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,600 Speaker 2: the kids instead of spending all my time cleaning and 28 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:28,800 Speaker 2: chasing my tail. I also managed to keep it clean 29 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:32,520 Speaker 2: the entire first week of the holidays, despite having playdates 30 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:36,400 Speaker 2: and many cooking sessions and messy play games with my kids. 31 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,360 Speaker 2: On the weekend, I picked up a shift, and when 32 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,920 Speaker 2: I got home at ten pm from said shift, the 33 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:45,160 Speaker 2: house was a bomb. I am just so angry that 34 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:47,400 Speaker 2: he didn't take half an hour to get everything in 35 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,520 Speaker 2: order so that I wouldn't have to come home to 36 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 2: a pig sty. What am I meant to do with 37 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,639 Speaker 2: a husband who is more of a child than my kids? 38 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:55,720 Speaker 2: Thanks so much. 39 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,080 Speaker 1: Okay, this one's a tough one. I want to give you, 40 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,720 Speaker 1: a husband, the benefit of the doubt to suggest that 41 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,480 Speaker 1: there are other ways to do parenting other than the 42 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,040 Speaker 1: way that you want it to be done. I really 43 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,200 Speaker 1: think that sometimes perspective taking can be helpful. And it 44 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,960 Speaker 1: sounds like you're just so stressed out both of you 45 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,640 Speaker 1: that there are any number of explanations for what could 46 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:17,320 Speaker 1: be going on. Therefore, what I'm about to say you 47 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,600 Speaker 1: need to really, I guess, take with a grain of 48 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,639 Speaker 1: salt if there's any compassion or empathy or any other 49 00:02:22,639 --> 00:02:26,079 Speaker 1: way of seeing things based on the information you've given me. Though, 50 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,440 Speaker 1: let's call a spade a spade. If your husband is 51 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:32,320 Speaker 1: feigning incompetence, that's a load of garbage. He's not helpless. 52 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:36,079 Speaker 1: He's choosing not to help. He is an adult, he's capable, 53 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,400 Speaker 1: and he's leaving you overwhelmed, and he's leaving you resentful. 54 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:42,079 Speaker 1: You're trying to juggle work, the kids, a spotless house, 55 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:45,160 Speaker 1: navigating the NDAs mays, and it sounds to me like 56 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,320 Speaker 1: he's coasting. That's not a partnership. It's a one woman 57 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:53,440 Speaker 1: show with a very reluctant audience member. So here's my advice, 58 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,080 Speaker 1: minus any ultimatums or anything like that, because I don't 59 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: think that's what we need here. And I want to 60 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,800 Speaker 1: add one more time, the caveat. We might have this 61 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,160 Speaker 1: all wrong. Maybe he's choosing to play with the kids 62 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,880 Speaker 1: rather than tidy the house because that's what he values, 63 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: and that's where he thinks he can add the most value. 64 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,520 Speaker 1: Maybe he's choosing to bust himself all day at work 65 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:14,840 Speaker 1: and when he comes home he is absolutely cooked and 66 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:17,959 Speaker 1: has nothing left. I don't like what I'm hearing. I'm 67 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,919 Speaker 1: not convinced that that's what's going on, but I do 68 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,880 Speaker 1: want to give him the benefit of the doubt if 69 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:27,079 Speaker 1: we can. If I'm wrong, if you're right. Three things. 70 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:29,360 Speaker 1: Number one, don't be a martyr. You're not wonder woman. 71 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,959 Speaker 1: You are a human being, and human beings need help. 72 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,359 Speaker 1: They need sleep, they need support, they need a community 73 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:36,240 Speaker 1: and a village, and they need a partner who is 74 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:38,880 Speaker 1: on their team. So I would stop trying to do 75 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 1: it all and move into conversations where you can talk 76 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 1: with him about what he's doing to make the contribution 77 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,880 Speaker 1: that's necessary to keep things moving and to take the 78 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:53,360 Speaker 1: load off you. That might involve number two, having what 79 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,640 Speaker 1: some people might call a come to Jesus meeting where 80 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 1: you sit down and you lay it all out, the 81 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 1: exhaustion and maybe even the resentment and the unfairness, and 82 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 1: be honest about it, but don't be accusatory. Okay, this 83 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:05,560 Speaker 1: isn't about pointing the finger and saying you're not pulling 84 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,360 Speaker 1: your weight, you're not doing what you should be doing. Rather, 85 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 1: it's about saying I'm doing all of these things and 86 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,960 Speaker 1: it's not sustainable, and I need your help. And I 87 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,640 Speaker 1: know you're helping in a variety of ways that you 88 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,680 Speaker 1: think really do help, but they're not the things that 89 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,600 Speaker 1: I need the most. That's what I mean there. Okay, 90 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,680 Speaker 1: this has got to be a very careful conversation, not 91 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,360 Speaker 1: a blame game, or it will blow up. The third 92 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,279 Speaker 1: thing that I would recommend that you do here, my 93 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:31,440 Speaker 1: anonymous friend is set some really clear expectations around what 94 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,080 Speaker 1: you're looking for, and probably I want to say consequences, 95 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:38,039 Speaker 1: but that's not the right word. Here's how i'd say it. 96 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,960 Speaker 1: Don't just vent offer solutions so it might bit you say, 97 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,520 Speaker 1: this is what I'm struggling with. There's the resentment, there's 98 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,320 Speaker 1: the unfairness, there's the exhaustion. And I've put this list 99 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,200 Speaker 1: together of things that I think we can work on together. 100 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,880 Speaker 1: Or here's this shared calendar, or here's a chore chart, 101 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:56,279 Speaker 1: whatever it takes to get him involved. And I guess 102 00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:59,520 Speaker 1: that's the bit where if he doesn't follow through, if 103 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:03,240 Speaker 1: he's unwilling. Well, I guess, first of all, if he's unwilling, 104 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 1: but he's got really good reasons for being unwilling, then 105 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,800 Speaker 1: that means that you have that conversation and work it 106 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:13,039 Speaker 1: out from there. If he's able to do stuff but 107 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:16,479 Speaker 1: just doesn't, that's the bit where you say, all right, well, 108 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,839 Speaker 1: if you're not willing to step up, I'm going to 109 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 1: step out, and when I come back, I need these 110 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:26,600 Speaker 1: things done. Have a me day or take the kids 111 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,800 Speaker 1: out or I don't know, whatever it is that you 112 00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:31,120 Speaker 1: need to do so that you can make it clear 113 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 1: to him that there's an expectation that's not being satisfied. 114 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:39,400 Speaker 1: Bottom line here, you deserve a partner, not a project 115 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:42,560 Speaker 1: if you are doing all of this work. I think 116 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,320 Speaker 1: that in some ways this is a hard thing to say, 117 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,359 Speaker 1: but based on the scenario that I've been presented with here, 118 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,120 Speaker 1: some of what's going on with the very best of 119 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:55,880 Speaker 1: intentions leads to enabling his laziness. He needs to participate 120 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 1: in the family family meetings. I've talked about them endlessly 121 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 1: on the podcast. I think a couple's meeting is the 122 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,840 Speaker 1: kind of thing that's going to get this thing moving forward. 123 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:07,120 Speaker 1: What's going well what's not What can we work on together, 124 00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 1: getting on the same page. That's the way that I'd 125 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,880 Speaker 1: be heading with this. I know it's a sort of 126 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:23,600 Speaker 1: a tough love conversation. Good luck, really tricky one. Let's 127 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:27,839 Speaker 1: move on to question number two from Michelle and Victoria. 128 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,359 Speaker 3: Hi, Justin, and Carli. Recently, my twelve year old daughter 129 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:34,960 Speaker 3: was assessed autism and ADHD. She has chronic insomnia and 130 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:40,000 Speaker 3: steeps in our bed. She regularly has anxiety attacks before bed. 131 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:44,039 Speaker 3: The next day, we are all exhausted. Her worst anxiety 132 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:48,839 Speaker 3: is no friends at school. She doesn't want to sleep 133 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 3: at night because she says that her mind won't switch off. 134 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:56,280 Speaker 3: In her words, she says, it's like eating a rotten banana. 135 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,600 Speaker 3: You know how terrible it tastes, and you know there's 136 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:02,600 Speaker 3: nothing that you can do to stop it happening again 137 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:06,200 Speaker 3: and again. Please could you give us your best advice 138 00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:06,880 Speaker 3: to health? 139 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 1: Oh, Michelle, I hear the exhaustion, and I hear the desperation, 140 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:15,000 Speaker 1: and this is such a hard one. A couple of 141 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,240 Speaker 1: things here. The first thing that I want to highlight 142 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:21,200 Speaker 1: is that psychological support from a qualified mental health practitioner 143 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,640 Speaker 1: is going to be your best bet. Here, I can 144 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:24,880 Speaker 1: only say so much in five or six minutes on 145 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,720 Speaker 1: the podcast, but what I do want to share with you, 146 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 1: hopefully will be helpful in a general sense. Specific help 147 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:35,000 Speaker 1: from somebody who can dive deep into your circumstances is 148 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,720 Speaker 1: going to be helpful. I want to start with the 149 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,880 Speaker 1: definition of mental health. The way that I look at 150 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:43,200 Speaker 1: mental health is this. Mental health is having the tolerance 151 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:46,200 Speaker 1: for difficult feelings and being able to respond to those 152 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,640 Speaker 1: difficult feelings and adaptive and functional ways. And what I'm 153 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,480 Speaker 1: hearing in your message on the part of your daughter 154 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:58,000 Speaker 1: is an undeniable absence of mental health. She is struggling 155 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:03,040 Speaker 1: with its opposite, with mental illness, which is a tremendous challenge, 156 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,080 Speaker 1: and you've articulated it so well. Something that you didn't 157 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,320 Speaker 1: quite clarify for me, though, is you said that your 158 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:13,080 Speaker 1: daughter has been assessed for autism and ADHD, but you 159 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:17,000 Speaker 1: didn't indicate whether she has been diagnosed with those things, 160 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 1: and so I'm a little bit limited in what I 161 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,960 Speaker 1: can say based on that uncertainty that I have in 162 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,040 Speaker 1: your message. Let's talk about anxiety, because that's something that 163 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,600 Speaker 1: you were very clear about. Anxiety around bed and anxiety 164 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,960 Speaker 1: around social challenges. Let's start with the bedtime stuff. Bedtime 165 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:36,440 Speaker 1: routine I think is key to your wellbeing and to 166 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:38,760 Speaker 1: your daughter's well being. In fact, if there was one 167 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 1: wellbeing hack and one parenting hack that I could give you, 168 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: it's got nothing to do with wellbeing or parenting. It's 169 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,400 Speaker 1: just get enough sleep. And clearly that's not happening for you. 170 00:08:47,559 --> 00:08:50,960 Speaker 1: This is a really oh it's just a really hard one. 171 00:08:51,559 --> 00:08:54,880 Speaker 1: I'd be talking with a GP, a medical practitioner, and 172 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,280 Speaker 1: having a look at any kind of medical issues that 173 00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,680 Speaker 1: could be promoting this. It does sound like it's primarily 174 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:04,840 Speaker 1: psycho logical, but there are also different kinds of medical 175 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 1: support that you can get medical interventions, pharmaceutical and interventions 176 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:13,120 Speaker 1: that can help your daughter to sleep without being heavily pharmaceutical, Like, 177 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:16,560 Speaker 1: there are natural versions of many pharmaceutical products, and I'd 178 00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:19,600 Speaker 1: be having a chat about the safest and healthiest options 179 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 1: there with a GP or somebody else that you trust 180 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,760 Speaker 1: with that kind of advice. Getting enough sleep is going 181 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,520 Speaker 1: to be really, really, really key to you having success. 182 00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:28,800 Speaker 2: Here. 183 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:33,320 Speaker 1: When I listen to this, I just parents make such 184 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: huge sacrifices. We're required that our children demanded of us, 185 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: that we make these enormous sacrifices. When it comes to sleep, 186 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,680 Speaker 1: this might be one of those sacrifices. I'd be looking 187 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,679 Speaker 1: at what kind of a routine works for her, What 188 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 1: do we need to do to get her to sleep, 189 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,320 Speaker 1: and if that means that she sleeps in bed with mum, 190 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,040 Speaker 1: or that Dad goes and sleeps in another room, or 191 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 1: that you come up with some kind of a solution, 192 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,559 Speaker 1: that may be quite a sacrifice that helps her to 193 00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,400 Speaker 1: get the sleep. In fact, helps everyone to get the 194 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,840 Speaker 1: sleep that they need. You're going to find that tempers 195 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,319 Speaker 1: are going to be much much more in control of you. 196 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,320 Speaker 1: To find you've got psychological and cognitive and you're gonna 197 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 1: have more capacity, more resources to respond to the challenges 198 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:16,080 Speaker 1: that you're experiencing. And they're significant challenges. Let's move away 199 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,959 Speaker 1: from the exhaustion and the sleep for a moment and 200 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:20,880 Speaker 1: talk about something that it's going to sound like it's 201 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,559 Speaker 1: a little bit off track, but I think it's really important. 202 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,640 Speaker 1: I'm curious, when you've got a twelve year old girl, 203 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:29,280 Speaker 1: what is it that ignites delight in her life. I'd 204 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,240 Speaker 1: be looking for ways that I could create that in 205 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 1: her life. We've recently and this is a personal anecdote 206 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:39,360 Speaker 1: that will highlight the kind of thing that I'm describing now. 207 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,640 Speaker 1: Fourteen year old recently had the opportunity to go and 208 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:45,640 Speaker 1: volunteer at a horse I guess you'd call a ranch 209 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,720 Speaker 1: I don't know. I mean, does Australia have ranchers at 210 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,400 Speaker 1: a facility where there are hundreds of horses? She's in 211 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,200 Speaker 1: love with horses. And she shoveled pool and she brushed horses, 212 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,160 Speaker 1: and she saddled them and she put bridles on them. 213 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:59,160 Speaker 1: And she got to go on some horse rides. What 214 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,160 Speaker 1: do you call that when you jump on the horse 215 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,120 Speaker 1: with a bunch of people. I can't think of what 216 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,839 Speaker 1: it is. But she got to go on some horse ride, 217 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,800 Speaker 1: things along the tracks in the mountains and that kind 218 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,200 Speaker 1: of thing. And for a week she stayed at my 219 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,480 Speaker 1: parents on the New South Wales central coast and they 220 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,600 Speaker 1: helped her to get to and from while she had 221 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,720 Speaker 1: this experience and it changed, she became a different person. 222 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,640 Speaker 1: She was not involved with her screens. She was going 223 00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:22,560 Speaker 1: to bed early. She was waking up at five o'clock 224 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,080 Speaker 1: even though she didn't have to be there until like 225 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,880 Speaker 1: eight or eight thirty or something like that. It fundamentally 226 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:30,600 Speaker 1: changed her experience of life. Her social circles have changed. 227 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,400 Speaker 1: Everything shifted because of what she's done there. And so 228 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:38,560 Speaker 1: my question for you is what ignites delight in your 229 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:42,560 Speaker 1: daughter and can you prioritize that. Can she be involved 230 00:11:42,559 --> 00:11:46,720 Speaker 1: in that extracurricular activity two or three or four days 231 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,760 Speaker 1: a week. Can she be in a place where there 232 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:52,680 Speaker 1: is social safety two or three or four days a week. 233 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,559 Speaker 1: What can we do to help her to have more 234 00:11:55,640 --> 00:12:01,439 Speaker 1: experiences of autonomy and competence and real relationship with others. 235 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:06,120 Speaker 1: Those kinds of experiences will subdue anxiety and also help her, 236 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:09,480 Speaker 1: I think, especially if they're physically engaging, help her to 237 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:13,000 Speaker 1: sleep better because she's just going to be exhausted. Last 238 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:16,160 Speaker 1: of all, the social anxiety. I'm going to recommend all 239 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,400 Speaker 1: the usual stuff, the sort of things that people talk about, 240 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,360 Speaker 1: like getting together with friends, helping her to be in 241 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 1: safe places with people that she gets along well with, 242 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,040 Speaker 1: developing relationships with people that she's got an interest in, 243 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,680 Speaker 1: working with other parents, talking to the teachers, involving other 244 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,240 Speaker 1: adults that work with her. These are the kinds of 245 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,719 Speaker 1: things that most people would recommend. For this kind of thing, 246 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,960 Speaker 1: it's a bit of a tricky one, but that's the 247 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,679 Speaker 1: direction that I'd definitely be pointing you towards there. Ultimately, 248 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,800 Speaker 1: you want to have a calm household. Tough love isn't 249 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:47,520 Speaker 1: going to work. I think validation of emotions, normalization. You 250 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,240 Speaker 1: know what a lot of kids struggle with this. You're 251 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 1: not going through anything particularly unusual. It is kind of calmon. 252 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:53,920 Speaker 1: It doesn't mean it's not challenging, but it is kind 253 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,760 Speaker 1: of common. Let's get a predictable routine. Let's work with 254 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,679 Speaker 1: our mental health provider to get the support that we 255 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,560 Speaker 1: need and see where we go from there. It's a 256 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,800 Speaker 1: really tough one. Michelle from Victoria, thank you so much 257 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,840 Speaker 1: for the question. Good luck, hard work in front of you. 258 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 1: But I know that if you stay the course and 259 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,120 Speaker 1: work through these processes, they will make a difference for you. 260 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,320 Speaker 1: Thanks so much for your questions. Next week more of 261 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:19,240 Speaker 1: your Happy Families questions. You can submit your questions via 262 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 1: the super simple system at happy families dot com dot 263 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,760 Speaker 1: You just scroll down to where the podcasts are, press 264 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,440 Speaker 1: the record button, start talking. It's really that simple, and 265 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:31,520 Speaker 1: I love answering your questions. The Happy Families podcast is 266 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 1: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. More information about 267 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,680 Speaker 1: making your family happier as available at happy families dot com, 268 00:13:37,679 --> 00:13:45,400 Speaker 1: dot you