Speaker 1: Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout
Speaker 1: Australia and their connections to land.
Speaker 2: Sea and community.
Speaker 1: We pay our respect to their elders past and present
Speaker 1: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait
Speaker 1: Islander peoples today.
Speaker 3: This episode is recorded on Gadigal Land of the Aurora Nation.
Speaker 3: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 2: I'm Laura and I'm Brittany. Hi Brittany, how are you
Speaker 2: going today? On this beautiful day.
Speaker 3: It's probably the first sunny day that we have had
Speaker 3: in Bondai in maybe five years.
Speaker 2: Well, I don't think it's let's just not segue to
Speaker 2: bond Die. I think it's all of Sydney.
Speaker 1: Sydney has been rained central, it has did you read
Speaker 1: It's going to be like the second Lenina and Rain.
Speaker 2: We're looking at Keisha, yeahl Nina, what did you call it? Lanino? Lonino?
Speaker 2: Lo Nino like this?
Speaker 3: It's a lone long was brother of Anyway, it's the
Speaker 3: one and early study day that we've had in forever,
Speaker 3: and we're spending it inside podcasting because we love you all.
Speaker 2: Kisha and I went on a walk this morning. Oh,
Speaker 2: please tell me what happened.
Speaker 1: Well, we had an event for war. We both walked
Speaker 1: separately that we met up in. We exchanged Delilah halfway.
Speaker 1: So I went for a run with Delilah ran past
Speaker 1: an X, and I was like, Lol, run past an X.
Speaker 1: Awkward moment, pretended I didn't see him, because that's obviously
Speaker 1: what you do.
Speaker 2: Do you if you walk past or run past or whatever.
Speaker 3: You don't even just give like the nice nod, you know,
Speaker 3: the nod of you've been inside me. We used to
Speaker 3: be in love with each other, and now we pretend
Speaker 3: that we don't know each other nod like.
Speaker 1: It depends on the situation, and it depends on the X.
Speaker 1: Why they're an ex how long? Like it's very If
Speaker 1: I see them coming with enough time, I will pretend
Speaker 1: I've taken a phone call. I will look, I'll text,
Speaker 1: i will pretend I've waived to someone elsewhere.
Speaker 2: If hopefully that someone was s around them and pretending
Speaker 2: to wave to, I will avoid them.
Speaker 1: I don't want the awkwardness, but a fine X that
Speaker 1: I just like hooked up with a few times or whatever,
Speaker 1: I will be like, hey, here you going that's fine.
Speaker 3: More cutting though, There's nothing more cutting than seeing an
Speaker 3: X when you're out on a walk and just completely
Speaker 3: ignoring them and them ignoring you, like you know that
Speaker 3: you've seen each other and you know that the other
Speaker 3: person's walking past, thinking crackrack.
Speaker 1: He definitely saw me, and I obviously saw him because
Speaker 1: I'm telling the story.
Speaker 2: But I pretended I didn't.
Speaker 1: But where this is going is when I met back
Speaker 1: up with Keisha to swap Delilah over, I told I said, Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm just run into this person blah blah blah.
Speaker 2: The exchange of the co parenting dog.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so Keisha, the same thing happened to Keisha. But this,
Speaker 1: I mean, this isn't funny. I'm not saying it's funny,
Speaker 1: but the way Keisha told the story, she was like laughing,
Speaker 1: but laughing out of like why do people do this?
Speaker 1: And it just got me thinking, Nwa. Keisha a few
Speaker 1: months ago was dating this person. They were hitting it off.
Speaker 1: I met this person, right, I met this guy out
Speaker 1: when we were out one night and he was like
Speaker 1: raving about Kisha. He's like, I'm so into your friend,
Speaker 1: Like she's.
Speaker 2: Amazing, blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: They're really vibing, so it was all signals ago. Then
Speaker 1: after about almost about three month mark, he did the
Speaker 1: it's not you, it's me. I'm not ready for a relationship,
Speaker 1: but you're you're great.
Speaker 2: Like, it's not you, it's a soft exit. I don't
Speaker 2: want a relationship right now.
Speaker 1: So that's always really hard to hear, right, because if
Speaker 1: you do want that, or you're vibing and you think
Speaker 1: it's going really well, it's always hard to hear.
Speaker 2: Well, you weren't here for this.
Speaker 3: But we spoke about this on Ask and Cut a
Speaker 3: couple of weeks back, Briet Will, So you were off
Speaker 3: frolicking in South America recording the challenge. So Matt and
Speaker 3: I spoke about this. We are strong believers, and we
Speaker 3: were united on the front that if someone tells you
Speaker 3: that they're just too busy they're not ready for a relationship,
Speaker 3: it's just code for it's not me, it's you.
Speaker 2: I just don't want to be with you. Yeah. Well
Speaker 2: turns out that's right. So Keisha's like, okay, cool, that's okay.
Speaker 1: But then today on her walk she ran into him,
Speaker 1: and not only did she run into him, literally smack
Speaker 1: bang into him. But this is like I don't know.
Speaker 1: Six weeks after with his new girlfriend, Oh.
Speaker 2: See, I told you this is what happens.
Speaker 3: I would say ninety percent of the time when they say, oh, like,
Speaker 3: you know, it's just not the right time in my life.
Speaker 3: I'm too busy with work. I can't be in a relationship.
Speaker 3: It's usually just code for this is not the right
Speaker 3: relationship undred percent.
Speaker 2: It's like a soft exit port produced a Keisha is
Speaker 2: sitting here right now, Keisha, it's not you.
Speaker 1: Let's just say it is no, and it's I said
Speaker 1: this a Keisha. We both had a moment this morning.
Speaker 1: We were both laughing with each other, but laughing a
Speaker 1: bit like of a distressed laugh where we're like, what
Speaker 1: you know, because like stuff like this has been happening
Speaker 1: to me a lot lately as well, and we're like,
Speaker 1: what's wrong with us?
Speaker 2: Like what?
Speaker 1: We had that moment for a second where we're like
Speaker 1: what's wrong with us? And then we're like, hang on
Speaker 1: a minute, nothing is wrong with us.
Speaker 2: It's them. But it brings me to this point of
Speaker 2: this would have been a different moment today when she's
Speaker 2: running to him with his new girlfriend, if he had
Speaker 2: just said I I think you're great but I don't
Speaker 2: feel like it's going anywhere long term with us.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I guess the big thing with that, though,
Speaker 3: is that people are so hesitant to hurt someone's feelings,
Speaker 3: so instead of giving the truth, they give the softest.
Speaker 2: Version of the truth.
Speaker 3: Actually, weirdly, this was not a setup that this does
Speaker 3: lead us into what we're talking about today, which is
Speaker 3: called askers and guesses. Strap in because I know ninety
Speaker 3: nine percent of you will have no idea what that
Speaker 3: even means.
Speaker 2: But we will unpack it in a little while.
Speaker 3: But I think in these situations, so many people don't
Speaker 3: want to offend someone. But this actually brings me to
Speaker 3: something that I read recently, and I would love to
Speaker 3: get your opinion on this. It's gone semi viral on
Speaker 3: the socials, this idea that three month mark is a
Speaker 3: really significant time frame in a relationship. And basically there's
Speaker 3: this theory or and I mean, I'm sure it's not
Speaker 3: backed by much science, but it's this idea that you
Speaker 3: shouldn't fully commit to someone until you reach the three
Speaker 3: month mark of a relationship. Now, there's a couple of
Speaker 3: reasons for this. One is because once you hit the
Speaker 3: three month mark, it's enough an amount of time that
Speaker 3: the rose colored glasses have kind of come off and
Speaker 3: you start to see the relationship for what it actually
Speaker 3: is and see that person for who they are. But
Speaker 3: also there's a bit more of like a darker side
Speaker 3: to it as well, like if you're dating someone who
Speaker 3: is narcissistic or who is manipulative, or who is able
Speaker 3: to mask the personality. It's usually around the three month
Speaker 3: mark that that starts to come undone as well, and
Speaker 3: you really start to see who the person is.
Speaker 1: When you say you shouldn't commit fully until the three
Speaker 1: month mark, what do you mean by that? Do you
Speaker 1: mean like you shouldn't say that you're in a committed relationship?
Speaker 2: There actually be dating lots of other Frank on a
Speaker 2: Saturday night, he's hanging Frank, or someone is Frank, someone's
Speaker 2: getting begging Frank on a Saturday.
Speaker 1: But does this just mean like, yeah, what are the
Speaker 1: specifics of that saying just saying like let's casually date.
Speaker 2: Okay, Obviously this isn't like, this isn't a.
Speaker 3: Gold stand Yeah, it's not like a well maybe it
Speaker 3: is the gold standard, but it's not a steadfast rule.
Speaker 3: I'm sure there are so many people listening to this
Speaker 3: who are like, I was exclusive after two weeks, got
Speaker 3: married after two months, and we're happily together. But the
Speaker 3: thing is that for so many people, if you get
Speaker 3: caught up in the early stages of the relationship and
Speaker 3: at that point in time when you've only just met someone,
Speaker 3: when you're like one month into dating, you're not actually
Speaker 3: in love with the person.
Speaker 2: You're in love with the you're in love with the
Speaker 2: after a month once. Yeah, but I.
Speaker 3: Think, okay, I think at one month you're in love
Speaker 3: with the potential of who that person in that relationship
Speaker 3: can be, Like you're in love with all the things
Speaker 3: that could happen. But truly, at one month mark, you
Speaker 3: don't necessarily know that person very well, and they could
Speaker 3: end up being somebody entirely different. And if they don't
Speaker 3: end up being someone different, you're lucky and you got
Speaker 3: really lucky. But we don't know someone at the four
Speaker 3: week mark, you simply don't. How could you possibly this?
Speaker 2: Look, I agree with you.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying I agree with like the you know,
Speaker 1: don't fully commit for the three months, because I've definitely
Speaker 1: done that before.
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm a romantic. We know that so I
Speaker 2: think she's.
Speaker 1: Going with your whole heart, but you need to go
Speaker 1: in with your brain as well. And that's what I
Speaker 1: think it is. You don't want to be completely sucked
Speaker 1: in by the chemistry that you're going to feel, because
Speaker 1: we all know that at the start of a relationship
Speaker 1: it's that honeymoon feeling, it's the obsession, it's the chemistry.
Speaker 2: You can't be sucked in by that. You can embrace that.
Speaker 1: For sure, like go nuts, have all the sex, all
Speaker 1: the love, all endorphins, do it all, but just use
Speaker 1: your brain at the same time.
Speaker 2: And I think back, I mean, you guys will.
Speaker 1: Remember when I started dating Jordan. That happened very very fast.
Speaker 1: So we fell ahead over heels in love. After about
Speaker 1: four or five weeks, we spent every day together.
Speaker 2: He pretty much moved into my house.
Speaker 1: And officially we were together for only about three ish
Speaker 1: months before he left. So this is a really interesting
Speaker 1: subject that you brought up, Laura, because the three month
Speaker 1: mark is literally when he left. So I often think, well,
Speaker 1: what would have happened if he did stay here? Would
Speaker 1: it have stayed as amazing as it was? Did we
Speaker 1: only not work out because of the distance? Did things
Speaker 1: change because of the three month mark or did they
Speaker 1: change because it was long distance? These are questions I
Speaker 1: mean I'm never going to know the answer to.
Speaker 2: But I think like it's interesting, isn't it.
Speaker 3: Because of course long distance adds an entirely different element
Speaker 3: and layer to it, right that that puts another amount
Speaker 3: of stress on it. But I do remember, and time
Speaker 3: me to shut up if you don't want to share this.
Speaker 3: I do remember it was around the three month mark
Speaker 3: and Jordan had just shortly left, and I remember that
Speaker 3: you were feeling like you hadn't been reassured enough, you know,
Speaker 3: like you were feeling upset about him not being contactable
Speaker 3: and feeling like the distance was upsetting you. And the
Speaker 3: thing was is he didn't need as much reassurance around
Speaker 3: the distance. He didn't need as much contact as what
Speaker 3: you needed. So there was this difference in the way
Speaker 3: the two of you communicated, which maybe it would have
Speaker 3: come out at some point. Obviously long distance put that
Speaker 3: under a lot of pressure. But I do think that
Speaker 3: when you get to this as soon as like that
Speaker 3: honeymoon phase of just pure intensity wears a way and
Speaker 3: you start to see someone for exactly who they are,
Speaker 3: that's when you actually get the opportunity to be like, yes,
Speaker 3: you are someone who I can see myself spending the
Speaker 3: rest of my life with potentially, or wow, A lot
Speaker 3: of the things that you do give me the fucking ick.
Speaker 3: And I guess one of the things when I read
Speaker 3: this through, and I read all the reasons around why
Speaker 3: you should really take it slow for those initial three
Speaker 3: months before completely committing yourself or throwing yourself into a relationship,
Speaker 3: is it takes me back to the very messed up
Speaker 3: relationship I had with someone who not gonna dinose because
Speaker 3: you know, I'm not a doctor, but there are a
Speaker 3: lot of telltale signs that he had narcissistic personality disorder.
Speaker 3: And I think for three months he was so good
Speaker 3: at masking who he was. He was the perfect boyfriend,
Speaker 3: he was the perfect everything. He was just so interested
Speaker 3: in me, so available, he loved bomb the shit out
Speaker 3: of me, like he honestly was just everything I had
Speaker 3: ever wanted in a relationship. And then that slowly started
Speaker 3: to erode after the three months mark, I was like that,
Speaker 3: like the fucking glasses fell off and it became very real.
Speaker 2: Who he was as a person.
Speaker 3: And so that's what I mean by this idea that
Speaker 3: you can mask and be on your best behavior, but
Speaker 3: you can't do that forever.
Speaker 2: So it's funny.
Speaker 1: The first I mean I started to read up about
Speaker 1: this as well, the first year, so the three months
Speaker 1: are obviously crucial, but the first year is actually referred
Speaker 1: to as a discovery year, or like a discovery stage
Speaker 1: because for the first entire year, and I mean hopefully
Speaker 1: longer than a year, I hope that one day, if
Speaker 1: I have a make a relationship that long, I hope
Speaker 1: that I hope that I am discovering things every day.
Speaker 1: But the idea is that there's the discovery year because
Speaker 1: every single day you learn something new about your partner.
Speaker 1: And this is why it's so hard, because the first
Speaker 1: three months are the intimacy stage, right the obsession, the
Speaker 1: love bombing, the sex, the chemistry, everything. Then the rest
Speaker 1: of that year is the discovery stage. So you realize like, Okay,
Speaker 1: yes I'm obsessed, but now I need to figure out
Speaker 1: if I continuously like this person.
Speaker 3: Yes I'm obsessed, but he certainly or she certainly leaves
Speaker 3: her underwear inside her pants on the floor in front
Speaker 3: of the washing basket right there.
Speaker 1: That's that's the problem. Yeah, so then what a discovery?
Speaker 1: So then the one year and then the three year mark.
Speaker 1: So it's three months, one year, and three years. This
Speaker 1: is what experts say, are like when you have your
Speaker 1: little speed bumps, what is supposed.
Speaker 2: To happen at the three year mark?
Speaker 3: I find that one interest because I feel like the
Speaker 3: three year mark is when a lot of couples and
Speaker 3: I space this on the fact that we get hundreds
Speaker 3: of ask guncut questions that come in. I get the
Speaker 3: feeling that the three year mark is when people really
Speaker 3: are making that decision around marriage. If you're in a
Speaker 3: monogamous relationship, the decision around marriage, and for a lot
Speaker 3: of people, it's like do I want to spend the
Speaker 3: rest of my life with this person?
Speaker 2: It's the big question. Yeah, well they call that like
Speaker 2: an evolution.
Speaker 1: Of like an intimacy love. Why can't I say intimacy, Well, intimacy.
Speaker 2: Intemacy. It's the difference between.
Speaker 1: Like an intimacy love and a mature love. This is
Speaker 1: where it changes. This is where it changes to those
Speaker 1: do I want to have this mature love?
Speaker 2: The three year mark when you can't be bothered to
Speaker 2: have sex anymore, That's exactly it that is exactly it,
Speaker 2: but I got a headache.
Speaker 1: Moving back to the three month mark, there are some
Speaker 1: telltale signs. Now this isn't me that have said this,
Speaker 1: but this is you know, this is the interwem signs
Speaker 1: that your relationship might not make it past the three
Speaker 1: month mark. Now I'm I'm gonna tell you some of them.
Speaker 1: Number one, first and foremost, your partner isn't consistent with
Speaker 1: their communication. And what this means is do you usually
Speaker 1: talk and text most days, and you might send your memes,
Speaker 1: you might respond to stuff on Instagram, whatever it is, right,
Speaker 1: you have a consistent communication style. Then all of a
Speaker 1: sudden they go a y. You don't see them. They've disappeared.
Speaker 1: Might just be for an afternoon. They might not respond
Speaker 1: to something, might be for two days.
Speaker 2: Whatever it is. This inconsistency is a.
Speaker 1: Sign that maybe they're drifting away, maybe they're getting bored,
Speaker 1: maybe they're not as into you as you are into them.
Speaker 3: I also think with inconsistency as well, and especially when
Speaker 3: it rears itself at that sort of like early phase
Speaker 3: in a relationship, it really shows you where you lie
Speaker 3: in that person's priorities, and it really shows you, like
Speaker 3: how they treat the people that they keep close to them.
Speaker 3: Because for anyone who's ever been loved bombed, if you
Speaker 3: have gone through a phase of love bombing and then
Speaker 3: there's an inconsistent phase, what happens to you is that
Speaker 3: it actually the person who's been love bombed and then
Speaker 3: they've received the inconsistency, it makes you latch on harder.
Speaker 3: You want that person even more, and so it actually
Speaker 3: binds you to them and makes you work harder for
Speaker 3: the relationship rather than taking a step back, especially if
Speaker 3: it's at this three month mark and going whoa, whoah, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Speaker 3: what the fuck has happened here? So I'm kind of
Speaker 3: like saying this for anyone who has gotten to the
Speaker 3: three month mark in a relationship and they're seeing that
Speaker 3: this person is behaving inconsistently, just check yourself if you
Speaker 3: are feeling, oh my god, I need to like reattach
Speaker 3: and latch on harder. I think, if anything, take a
Speaker 3: step back and figure out like the why behind it.
Speaker 2: For some reason, I feel like you're talking to me
Speaker 2: right now.
Speaker 3: I know I have a few feelings there's a few
Speaker 3: things going on behind the scenes.
Speaker 2: Like you're giving me like a subliminent.
Speaker 3: Welcome to the counseling session of Laura versus Brittany.
Speaker 2: Okay, what's number two?
Speaker 1: Your partner isn't their genuine self around you. So by
Speaker 1: the three month mark, you should be very comfortable with
Speaker 1: each other. You should be I mean like you should
Speaker 1: be doing this anyway. You should be able to say
Speaker 1: exactly what you think. You'd be able to give your opinions.
Speaker 1: You should be able to text as many times as
Speaker 1: you want.
Speaker 2: If you want a.
Speaker 3: Quadruple text, you quadruple text like those days are gone. Nay,
Speaker 3: I'll do a ten text.
Speaker 1: I mean I did do a full text recently, and
Speaker 1: Laura and Keish were like where, And.
Speaker 3: I was like, well, I felt like it was warranted
Speaker 3: because it's early days for you, babe. You're not at
Speaker 3: the point where you can send full texts in a row.
Speaker 3: Let's be sure.
Speaker 2: Apparently I am.
Speaker 3: Somebody's coming on a little bit Fromber three.
Speaker 2: Three. They don't invite you to hang out with their friends.
Speaker 2: This is a big year.
Speaker 1: This is a very big telltale sign that they're not
Speaker 1: that into you. Because if you are that obsessed and
Speaker 1: in love and happy and wanting to go places by
Speaker 1: three months. You are wanting to immerse someone into your life,
Speaker 1: and you're wanting to be I mersed into their life.
Speaker 1: You want to know their friends, you want to know
Speaker 1: their family.
Speaker 2: Because that also tells you a lot about.
Speaker 1: Who they are as a person, the way they interact
Speaker 1: with other people, their family life, their social life. That
Speaker 1: is a real big thing in a relationship. Well do
Speaker 1: you have do you have aligned values? Do you guys
Speaker 1: want to do the same things? What are they like
Speaker 1: when they're with the boys, what she like when they're
Speaker 1: with the girls.
Speaker 3: It just also like it's completely reflective of their investment.
Speaker 3: And this is what I spoke about with Matt when
Speaker 3: I dated Okay, the guy I dated for a year
Speaker 3: who was in a situationship, who ended up breaking up
Speaker 3: with me and then getting with a girl straight afterwards
Speaker 3: who's now marrying.
Speaker 2: Well, I digress.
Speaker 3: So he never in that year, we never did anything
Speaker 3: with his family, which is very weird because he owned
Speaker 3: his he owned a restaurant with his brothers. Like his
Speaker 3: family and him were very close, but I never ever
Speaker 3: met them and I never ever spent any time with them.
Speaker 3: But I spent you know, three days a week with him,
Speaker 3: So I always you know, especially when we got to
Speaker 3: like the year mark, I was like, it is very clear,
Speaker 3: and especially when things like birthdays had come and gone,
Speaker 3: Christmas had come and gone again, Easter had come and gone,
Speaker 3: and I was like, it became super fucking obvious.
Speaker 1: Yeah, literally won't invited, but I mean them before your
Speaker 1: partner doesn't find way is to keep moving the relationship forward.
Speaker 1: So maybe they're showing less initiative in setting up date nights,
Speaker 1: they're not as intimate with you, they don't want to
Speaker 1: be with you as often. These are all signs that well,
Speaker 1: it's probably not reciprocated, because at this stage it should
Speaker 1: be reciprocated within three months. This should be a dream
Speaker 1: boat relationship.
Speaker 3: Well, I think the big thing as well is and
Speaker 3: like the take home message overall, unless you've got some more.
Speaker 2: Well, I've got a couple more going rattle off there, Britt.
Speaker 2: There's a lot more little things that I find really interesting.
Speaker 1: And maybe one day we'll do another whole episode where
Speaker 1: we deep dive into some of these stages of relationships propably,
Speaker 1: but big obvious one is they don't make any solid
Speaker 1: future plans with you. There's nothing in the pipeline there's
Speaker 1: no talk of the future, there's no talk of.
Speaker 2: Where it's going to go.
Speaker 1: Because I think that especially the older you get as well,
Speaker 1: like this definitely comes with an age thing as well.
Speaker 2: For me now in my thirties, that would be more
Speaker 2: of an alarm. If I have dated somebody for three months,
Speaker 2: six months and they're not wanting to make any plans,
Speaker 2: I'm going to think that, well, I'm probably the wrong
Speaker 2: relationship because it's going to move faster now for me
Speaker 2: than it would when I was twenty five.
Speaker 3: So my big thing from this, and I think like
Speaker 3: the ultimate take home message, especially for anybody who's in
Speaker 3: you know, if anyone who's in the dating game. Obviously,
Speaker 3: if you're in a long term relationship, this probably doesn't
Speaker 3: apply to you, hopefully it never will again. But if
Speaker 3: you are somebody who wants to be in a relationship,
Speaker 3: if you are looking for someone and want a long
Speaker 3: term partner, and you're dating, and you get to the
Speaker 3: three month mark and shit is still ambiguous, you don't
Speaker 3: know where you stand. You don't know if they're as
Speaker 3: into you as what you're into them. You're not sure
Speaker 3: if they're completely committed. Ask the question, regardless of whether
Speaker 3: you're fearful of the answer, because ultimately, I think by
Speaker 3: the time you get to the three month mark, people
Speaker 3: should be pretty clear on whether they want to have
Speaker 3: a relationship with you or not. They may not want
Speaker 3: a relationship with you, but they may thoroughly enjoy keeping
Speaker 3: you around because they have a good time. And then
Speaker 3: it's up to you to decide, well, do you want
Speaker 3: to waste more time on something that's probably not going
Speaker 3: to turn into anything.
Speaker 1: Well, for me and I'm very forward, but for me
Speaker 1: this is a huge thing because for me, time is
Speaker 1: the most valuable thing and I don't want to be
Speaker 1: investing my time at this age when it's not going anywhere,
Speaker 1: because for me, I just feel like that is a
Speaker 1: waste of.
Speaker 3: Just give them three months before you send the text
Speaker 3: message of like, what are we.
Speaker 2: Unless the sex is amazing? Name around a little bit longer, yeah,
Speaker 2: but it's like okay, then they can stay for a
Speaker 2: year for as long as it takes me.
Speaker 1: So okay, Well, I have an update from an episode
Speaker 1: we did a couple of weeks ago.
Speaker 3: If you guys listened, I did for a second think
Speaker 3: that it was a dating update, but no, glad, I'm not.
Speaker 2: Bringing that this week.
Speaker 3: Okay, podcast update, love it just sit on that little
Speaker 3: do you know what? Before you give a podcast update,
Speaker 3: I want to say one thing. If you're in Sydney
Speaker 3: and you haven't got yourself a ticket to the live show,
Speaker 3: there are some tickets that have just been released. So
Speaker 3: we have our one and only live show on the
Speaker 3: twelfth of October. It's going to be freaking amazing. We
Speaker 3: do have some guests confirmed. Chanta Otten is going to
Speaker 3: be joining us, we have jan friend who's going to
Speaker 3: be joining us, and we have a really fucking exciting
Speaker 3: surprise which we're not going to tell you about, but
Speaker 3: you'll only find out if you come to the live show.
Speaker 3: So you can jump onto our website, which is Life
Speaker 3: on cutpodcast dot com dot a and get tickets to
Speaker 3: our very first live show.
Speaker 2: But be quick because there's only a limited number that
Speaker 2: have been re released.
Speaker 3: Well we're not doing anymore like this year, so this
Speaker 3: is the one and only and this is the very
Speaker 3: last ticket release that we can do for this event
Speaker 3: because then it's fully sold out.
Speaker 2: Okay, let me get back to my update. Give it
Speaker 2: to me. It was just from a few episodes ago
Speaker 2: where you and I are Laura. We had that discussion.
Speaker 2: I think you brought it up from memory about like
Speaker 2: would you share your vibrator?
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I wanted to know, like if I put
Speaker 3: my vibrator in a dishwasher, would you use it.
Speaker 1: It's just an update that came in today. It was
Speaker 1: just about sharing the vibrator. So I basically said I
Speaker 1: wouldn't share a vibrator, no particular reason. I just don't
Speaker 1: want it once it's been inside of you, Laura, no
Speaker 1: offense to you. You said you were happy to share vibrators.
Speaker 1: That was just where we stood, completely fine.
Speaker 3: The general consensus and people jumped in across social media
Speaker 3: was that most people don't want to use their friends vibrators.
Speaker 3: But I also just want to reiterate you're quite happy
Speaker 3: to have sex with a dick that many people have
Speaker 3: had sex with. And also if you are not different,
Speaker 3: if you're not in a heterosexual relationship and you're in
Speaker 3: a same sex relationship, the same thing goes. If you're
Speaker 3: same sex and you're using sex toys, well then you're
Speaker 3: using them with multiple people, So like it's kind of
Speaker 3: the same thing. It just does hit different.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not that though. It hits different because I
Speaker 2: don't want to be doing that and thinking of you.
Speaker 1: And if I have your vibrator, chances are you can
Speaker 1: to pop into my head and I no offense you, la,
Speaker 1: but you are not what I want to be thinking
Speaker 1: about at that time. But a girl just read it
Speaker 1: and she said, yes, I do often share my friends vibrators.
Speaker 1: That was the heading in big capital letters. And I
Speaker 1: was like, you literally have like a swap seas party
Speaker 1: every week, Like what is this? One of her best
Speaker 1: friends is a studying sexologist, so how she has a
Speaker 1: blog she reviews sex toys. So what she does is
Speaker 1: she just gets bulk sex toys, uses them, reviews them,
Speaker 1: and then just goes and hands them out to the
Speaker 1: friend group, like they just go and have copye and
Speaker 1: everyone gets a vibrator so they constantly use it.
Speaker 2: I was like, and then I sid thinking. I was like,
Speaker 2: maybe it's maybe it's.
Speaker 1: Not too bad if it was a one off, if
Speaker 1: you've just tried and tested at once, But if you've been.
Speaker 2: You know, how different is it.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna give you your dildo for five years
Speaker 1: and knowing you who keeps the same pillow for like
Speaker 1: twenty seven years, Like I need to rinse.
Speaker 2: It after each ar You'll to me one of those
Speaker 2: ones that you have to have two hands to hold,
Speaker 2: like and you have to wind it up at the
Speaker 2: back to get it going.
Speaker 3: You know how, you have to, Like, there's never been
Speaker 3: a dildo that you need to wind up at the back, Brio.
Speaker 2: It's not like it was in nineteen sixty. I don't know. Look,
Speaker 2: at the end of the day, I just wanted to
Speaker 2: say it because the poles were leaning towards No.
Speaker 1: Don't use your friend's doodos. But like, maybe it's not
Speaker 1: so bad. Maybe you can get some disinfectant, throw on
Speaker 1: the dishwasher and move on.
Speaker 3: Well, when I'm finished with the one, I've got a
Speaker 3: Bri'll pack it.
Speaker 2: I'll pack it up and give it to you for
Speaker 2: your birthday next year. This reminds me, did you did
Speaker 2: you see this week on TikTok the video that went
Speaker 2: viral of the little It must have been ten years
Speaker 2: old or something and he found his mum's.
Speaker 1: Big stick on dildo under the bed. You know those
Speaker 1: ones are suction Speaking of you's dildos.
Speaker 2: Yes, speaking of his dildos. The mom has video it.
Speaker 2: She's gone absolutely viral. TikTok because she's in hysterics. She's
Speaker 2: walking to the room and he has found her suction dildo.
Speaker 1: He has suctioned on the wall and he's having like
Speaker 1: a full on boxing match with it. Like you know
Speaker 1: those speed bags when.
Speaker 2: You when you're learning to box. Have you ever seen
Speaker 2: a boxing speedbag?
Speaker 3: Oh, it's like a fully erect sucking cat dildo that's
Speaker 3: stuck to the wall and he's using it like to
Speaker 3: punch his fist down.
Speaker 2: He has veins bottom, he's got veins and everything.
Speaker 1: He's ducking, he's weaving, and she just was like, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna let him do it because he doesn't how
Speaker 1: he was this kid can But apparently it looks like
Speaker 1: a dildo anyway. Off the back of it going viral,
Speaker 1: apparently heaps of people have been like, he actually looks
Speaker 1: like a really good boxer, Like I think he should
Speaker 1: come and train with me, so like he.
Speaker 2: Could get a boxing gig out of there.
Speaker 3: I have so many questions. Does he know did he
Speaker 3: know what it was? No, but he did say it
Speaker 3: looks similar to a willie. Do you know how a
Speaker 3: lot of feels about a stick on vibrated though like
Speaker 3: a stick on dildo. I feel like it seems like
Speaker 3: so much effort, because surely if you get to masturbate,
Speaker 3: you just want to lie down in your bed and
Speaker 3: just be on your back and not to do it
Speaker 3: and not have to do anything. You know, you just
Speaker 3: want to lay there. Who wants to try and like
Speaker 3: suck the wall?
Speaker 2: What do you mean not doing anything? How did you
Speaker 2: just put hand?
Speaker 3: You know, just you're just using one arm. It's it's
Speaker 3: like so it's like the laziest thing you can do.
Speaker 3: People actually up like gyrating against a wall. Like are
Speaker 3: people that active with their sex toys? Yes, they put
Speaker 3: them in the showers. I mean they put them in
Speaker 3: the showers. They fully suck them in the shower. So
Speaker 3: it's like, well, it's like.
Speaker 2: A real event.
Speaker 3: You're like cool, especially when you've got kids, Like I
Speaker 3: don't even get to have a shower on my own
Speaker 3: at all.
Speaker 2: If I'm like, I'm going to go and get my
Speaker 2: suction bildo out from under the bed take it in
Speaker 2: the shower, like that is it? That's an event? But
Speaker 2: I would imagine it is an event, yes, but I
Speaker 2: would imagine it brings a bit more life to the story,
Speaker 2: Like the situation you know, you're a bit more active.
Speaker 1: To what story, Well, the story in the history of masturbation.
Speaker 2: No, they're probably imagining that they're actually having sex. They're
Speaker 2: is stuck to the shower makes it more realistic. I'm
Speaker 2: really envisaging this now.
Speaker 3: So you stick it against the shower wall, and then
Speaker 3: you would turn yourself around and pretend like you're getting
Speaker 3: shagged from behind.
Speaker 2: Right, Okay, look, I have never ever done that, but
Speaker 2: I think we could. Life we love a pole. Let's
Speaker 2: put a poul out. How many people are the.
Speaker 1: Lazy, lay down masturbators and how many are the suction
Speaker 1: onto a wall.
Speaker 3: Okay, I don't think it just has to be stucktion
Speaker 3: onto the wall like I see it. I see the
Speaker 3: whole sexual wellness movement happening across Instagram. I see the
Speaker 3: post which are like, just go date yourself, you know,
Speaker 3: have a romantic night and then masturbate for four hours.
Speaker 3: Who has time?
Speaker 2: Like it's four minutes. I know exactly what to do,
Speaker 2: and then I'm going to sleep, do you Yeah, four minutes.
Speaker 2: I could be done in four minutes. Four minutes. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm going to time it next time and I'll come
Speaker 2: back and tell you all.
Speaker 1: Hey, how is is there like a one week update
Speaker 1: on the intimacy challenge that you weren't mad at doing.
Speaker 2: We started yesterday, so it was a bit delayed. Did
Speaker 2: you actually start or you're gonna have sex ones and
Speaker 2: then not do it again.
Speaker 3: We started yesterday and then literally we were sitting on
Speaker 3: the couch and I said, oh, I've got to go
Speaker 3: to BRIT's house. And then Matt started making out with me,
Speaker 3: and I was like, this is a very inconvenient time.
Speaker 2: Like you guys think at me as well, I already
Speaker 2: told you I was on my way out the door.
Speaker 2: I think he does it on purpose as well. Matt
Speaker 2: pretends like he wants us to have more intimacy, but
Speaker 2: really then he picks very very very inopportune times why
Speaker 2: so that he can say, well, I try I reckon, Yeah,
Speaker 2: come on you man? All right, well I want an
Speaker 2: update next week. Okay, let's get into accidentally I'm filtered. Now.
Speaker 2: This is our.
Speaker 3: Favorite part of every episode if you're new to the podcast.
Speaker 3: Actually Unfiltered is where we read out your most embarrassing
Speaker 3: stories and thank you to every single person who has
Speaker 3: written one in we all like laughing at you.
Speaker 2: I'm going to kick start and you guys, I've really
Speaker 2: stuck to a theme today.
Speaker 1: This well, vibrators, let's go, no masturbation. No, you'll see
Speaker 1: the theme in a minute. But I'm really dating for
Speaker 1: three months. Yeah, yeah, I've stuck a theme. I really
Speaker 1: went all out to find this. This isn't I can't
Speaker 1: believe they said that. Now, we haven't done these in
Speaker 1: a while, but this one really I thought it.
Speaker 2: Was funny and it shouldn't be.
Speaker 1: But I thought it was really funny and it very
Speaker 1: much suited what was happening today. My last relationship, I
Speaker 1: was absolutely so in love, so obsessed. I thought it
Speaker 1: was going really well until he decided to break up.
Speaker 1: Now he did the whole it's not you. I just
Speaker 1: don't want a relationship right now. I'm just really not
Speaker 1: in the right headspace.
Speaker 3: Sure, this wasn't case kis I don't This is what
Speaker 3: he said quote, it's not you. I just don't want
Speaker 3: a relationship right now. I'm really just not in the
Speaker 3: right headspace. I need to focus on university. Oh and
Speaker 3: you better get off my Netflix profile because my next
Speaker 3: girlfriend in a couple of months won't like that quote. Wow,
Speaker 3: I mean, but fair because like belong does some people
Speaker 3: hold onto a Netflix account for that.
Speaker 2: She goes, so I guess it is me? Then well,
Speaker 2: yes it is you.
Speaker 1: But like I'm sorry, if you're going to break up
Speaker 1: and make up a lie, you can't in the same
Speaker 1: lie contradict yourself. You can't say I'm not ready for
Speaker 1: a relationship and then quickly say get off my Netflix.
Speaker 1: So because my next girlfriend in two months won't like no.
Speaker 3: I also think that the Netflix thing, you've got to
Speaker 3: wait like a month, Like it's a one month, Like
Speaker 3: you do the breakup, and then in one month's time
Speaker 3: you say, hey, I'm really sorry. I know that you're
Speaker 3: still using Netflix because I can see that you've just
Speaker 3: watched five episodes. If this is us, can you please
Speaker 3: remove my Netflix from your thing because you know.
Speaker 2: Sarah needs it. I think it's a month. It's one month.
Speaker 2: I reckon this. Heapes people that use their ex's I
Speaker 2: would if I had one. It's like I'm still logged
Speaker 2: in as Jordan. He's probably logged in. Mind. Okay, what
Speaker 2: have you got? Okay? I have? Oh mate.
Speaker 3: It was a hard one tossing up between Pooh and
Speaker 3: and something else, but I've decided to not.
Speaker 2: Go for the pooh, you've come all away.
Speaker 3: Today is Monday, and after waking up and my boyfriend's place,
Speaker 3: I was pretty keen to sneak in a quickie before
Speaker 3: we both headed off to work and we won't see
Speaker 3: each other again until the weekend.
Speaker 2: It was a great idea, always is.
Speaker 3: We had a great time and I felt energized to
Speaker 3: start my day until about two hours later, when I
Speaker 3: was standing in a small, cramped office with three of
Speaker 3: my lovely older coworkers, and standing there.
Speaker 2: I let out the loudest queaf that you have ever heard.
Speaker 2: I was mortified.
Speaker 3: It was mid conversation and I just powered through and
Speaker 3: pretended like nothing happened.
Speaker 2: How long has that been? Air been up there? Sometimes
Speaker 2: it happens though, just gets trapped, does it? The air is?
Speaker 2: I thought it was just like queefin was like, and
Speaker 2: in the moment think I didn't know.
Speaker 1: You just suctioned it up for like four hours and
Speaker 1: let it out at the lunchtime, meaning.
Speaker 2: At morning tea. I have control the next level. She's
Speaker 2: not gonna have any pelvic floor issues, let me tell.
Speaker 3: You, maybe not, though, don't you think I think they
Speaker 3: could get stuck up there like the like the top
Speaker 3: end bloats and obviously you're standing up right, so like
Speaker 3: the air is trying to follow.
Speaker 2: I don't know how long you've hold on, but she
Speaker 2: must have just tends to stomach or something. Then it
Speaker 2: all came out. She sure it wasn't a farm. No,
Speaker 2: oh my, what it comes out of a different area.
Speaker 2: I know, I didn't know you got hold onto a
Speaker 2: quif for so long, but you know what, I think
Speaker 2: somebody did? She Well, yeah, all right, Well let's just
Speaker 2: get into what the episode is.
Speaker 3: Alrighty, On this episode, we're talking about something called askers
Speaker 3: and guesses culture on today's episode. Now, there's a good
Speaker 3: chance that you've never heard about what askers and guesses are.
Speaker 3: But are you the type of person who, instead of
Speaker 3: asking a direct question, whether it be about relationships or
Speaker 3: something to do with your job, more inclined to leave
Speaker 3: subtle hints or imply the question rather than being direct.
Speaker 3: Or are you as subtle as a sledgehammer and have
Speaker 3: absolutely no problems with asking direct and pointed questions. Now,
Speaker 3: this is something that will absolutely apply to every single person,
Speaker 3: because you are more than likely one or the other.
Speaker 2: Well, it's a way to describe who you are as
Speaker 2: a person. It's almost like an unofficial personality.
Speaker 3: Trait in the same way that we have done an
Speaker 3: episode on introverts and extrovert Now, this is something that
Speaker 3: originated back in two thousand and seven on a web
Speaker 3: blog that was posted by Andrea Dondry, where the whole
Speaker 3: term around askers and guesses culture was coined. But basically,
Speaker 3: an asker is somebody who is very confident, has no
Speaker 3: issue with asking a question outright. They are somebody who
Speaker 3: is not fearful necessarily of the word no, and they
Speaker 3: don't ask questions expecting that the answer is going to
Speaker 3: be yes.
Speaker 2: All the time.
Speaker 3: They ask questions wanting to know where they stand, or
Speaker 3: is to simply get an answer. I am not an asker,
Speaker 3: I am a guesser. Guessa is somebody who will only
Speaker 3: ask questions if they're pretty sure that the answer is
Speaker 3: going to be yes. And I think the guesses is
Speaker 3: probably a bit more of an interesting one to unpack
Speaker 3: because askers are pretty clear cut, but guesses are somebody
Speaker 3: who we are very intuitive in terms of like trying
Speaker 3: to figure out social cues. We ask for things in
Speaker 3: a way without having to ask for it directly. We
Speaker 3: ask for things in a roundabout way because we worry
Speaker 3: about offending people. We don't want to put people into
Speaker 3: a situation where it's hard for them to say no
Speaker 3: to a question. And the reason for that is because
Speaker 3: we don't like to say no to other people.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but the thing is too guesses can also be
Speaker 2: pretty thrifty.
Speaker 1: So it's not just that they don't ask, it's that
Speaker 1: guesses going aroundabout way really vaguely sussing out if someone's
Speaker 1: going to come to the table, if someone's going to
Speaker 1: come to the party, and often they have a way
Speaker 1: of getting the answer or getting the offer without actually
Speaker 1: asking the question.
Speaker 2: So it might be.
Speaker 1: Just so you can kind of understand, We'll give you
Speaker 1: an example. You're going away and you really need your
Speaker 1: dog looked after, or you need your cat looked after.
Speaker 1: Instead of just going to your friend or your neighbor
Speaker 1: and saying, hey, is there any change, you're free to
Speaker 1: look after my dog for the week, you go to
Speaker 1: them and you say, oh, I don't know what I'm
Speaker 1: going to do with my dog for the week. Like
Speaker 1: you know, I'm going away and they're just going to
Speaker 1: be at home and I've got no one to look
Speaker 1: after them.
Speaker 2: I mean, you're not extreme case. That's an example, that's
Speaker 2: what it is. And then the person says, oh, do
Speaker 2: you want me to look after and like, oh, my god,
Speaker 2: would you.
Speaker 1: So you've gotten, you've gotten exactly what you wanted, but
Speaker 1: you haven't asked the question.
Speaker 2: And this is why guesses get thrifty.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, and I think I think that it's very
Speaker 3: important to kind of establish and you touched on at
Speaker 3: the beginning of it, but it's important to establish why
Speaker 3: people become either an asker or a guesser. So askers
Speaker 3: usually have been raised in households where communication is very
Speaker 3: open and it's okay for them to ask questions and
Speaker 3: they're not reprimanded when the answer is no. You know,
Speaker 3: they're not made to feel stupid, they're not made to
Speaker 3: feel guilty, they're not an imposition to anybody. So it's
Speaker 3: really are and growing up in a household that embraces
Speaker 3: challenging the status quo, asking questions and being an independent
Speaker 3: little person, whereas someone who's a guesser has probably grown
Speaker 3: up in environments that force them to learn other people's
Speaker 3: social cues so that they don't upset anyone, or so
Speaker 3: that they don't even put themselves into terms a way,
Speaker 3: for example, so you become as a guesser, extremely intuitive
Speaker 3: how to get what you want without having to be
Speaker 3: direct and assertive.
Speaker 1: And two other things that are really important to note
Speaker 1: is that it's not just a family upbringing thing. It
Speaker 1: is also a cultural thing. It can be a personality thing.
Speaker 1: You could be very different to your family. And it
Speaker 1: is a spectrum. It's not a dichotomy. So you don't
Speaker 1: have to one hundred percent fit into either category. You
Speaker 1: don't have to be just a guesser, and you don't
Speaker 1: have to be just an asker. Sort of like introvert
Speaker 1: and extrovert, right, You're not just one or the other.
Speaker 1: You can cross pollinate, you can evolve, you can change
Speaker 1: the same thing with askers and guesses.
Speaker 3: And you can also be different depending on the relationship.
Speaker 3: You might be someone who is a asker in your
Speaker 3: personal life where you are very clear and direct with
Speaker 3: your partner, but you might be someone who is a
Speaker 3: guesser in the workplace. And now, a really great example
Speaker 3: for this might be you might have no reservations with
Speaker 3: telling your partner what you want, but when it comes
Speaker 3: to being in the workplace, for example, asking for a
Speaker 3: rise or asking to take annual leave. You are very
Speaker 3: much a guesser, where you try and suss out what
Speaker 3: the answer might be, and you won't ask the question
Speaker 3: until you know it's going to be an absolute yes,
Speaker 3: because ultimately, the thing about guesses is that they don't
Speaker 3: like the word no. But not only do they not
Speaker 3: like the word no, they don't like putting somebody in
Speaker 3: a position of having to say the word no, because
Speaker 3: for themselves, if they're in that position, it causes them
Speaker 3: a lot of anxiety. Now, I guess one thing I
Speaker 3: kind of wanted to use for an example of this
Speaker 3: is something that happened to me recently, and the reason
Speaker 3: why this conversation really for me, I was like, I
Speaker 3: get it, I get it now, and I really hope
Speaker 3: my staff not listening to this.
Speaker 2: If you are, turn it off now. No, no, if
Speaker 2: you are.
Speaker 3: I want to preface this by saying, this was a
Speaker 3: really great learning experience for me in terms of like
Speaker 3: how to manage different people of different personalities, because ultimately,
Speaker 3: this whole conversation is around communication style and how as
Speaker 3: people sometimes conflict can happen, but we communicate differently, and
Speaker 3: it's like all about managing and mitigating conflict by our
Speaker 3: communication styles. So recently, one of my staff, who are
Speaker 3: absolutely adore, she sent a message and asked, Hey, in
Speaker 3: two days time, I've been having a bit of a
Speaker 3: hard time, but in two days time, can I take
Speaker 3: a week of annual leave. This was right in the
Speaker 3: middle of a sale period for us as well, which
Speaker 3: is like a really big time staff can't take annual
Speaker 3: leave during sale periods. It's a critically busy time for retail.
Speaker 3: And I got the message and I remember seeing it
Speaker 3: reading it and I was like, why would you even
Speaker 3: ask that because the answer has to be no. Why
Speaker 3: would you ask to take ten days annual leave in
Speaker 3: two days time? I was like, that's, to me, is
Speaker 3: a crazy thing to ask, And I felt a little
Speaker 3: bit offended that she would ask the question. However, now
Speaker 3: I realize she is an art and I am a guesser.
Speaker 3: She meant no offense by asking the question. She wasn't
Speaker 3: upset that the answer was no, and just you don't ask,
Speaker 3: don't get totally and the answer was no, and there
Speaker 3: was absolutely no negative outcome. But I think the thing
Speaker 3: that happens with guesses is that when you're so fearful
Speaker 3: of answering. No, you worry about what the outcome, what's
Speaker 3: the repercussion's going to be in that situation. And I
Speaker 3: guess for me, it was just a really interesting perspective,
Speaker 3: and it made me realize that, like, she's not obnoxious
Speaker 3: or being a bad person for asking something that to
Speaker 3: me seemed unreasonable. She just was asking a question and
Speaker 3: it wasn't a big deal to her.
Speaker 2: That's exactly right, because she would be thinking just picture
Speaker 2: her at home with a boyfriend whatever, being like, look,
Speaker 2: why don't you just try?
Speaker 1: You've got nothing to lose. And it's one of those things.
Speaker 1: And I say this to myself all the time, what
Speaker 1: have you got to lose?
Speaker 3: You are a fucking asker, Brittany, Well, this is okay
Speaker 3: if you are an asker through and through.
Speaker 1: See I disagree with this. I am one of the
Speaker 1: people that are on the spectrum. Right, I cross over,
Speaker 1: and it's very dependent on who it is. I'm one
Speaker 1: hundred percent crossing into both.
Speaker 2: And I will put my hand up and say I
Speaker 2: am an extreme asker at times, and then I will
Speaker 2: put my hand up and say I'm a guesser. Now,
Speaker 2: let me explain when it changes for me in anything
Speaker 2: that's business and work and relationships.
Speaker 1: I'm one hundred percent an asker. I do not beat
Speaker 1: around the bush. And sometimes it's probably too much. Like
Speaker 1: even sometimes I show Laura and Keisha.
Speaker 2: My messages or something that I've been a bit bold
Speaker 2: with in a relationship or dating. Oh, it makes me
Speaker 2: so uncomfortable. And Laura's like, I can't believe you asked that.
Speaker 3: I was like to me because for a guesser, someone
Speaker 3: who is a bold asker can come across as like
Speaker 3: brazen and like, I don't know, I don't even like
Speaker 3: too hard, too harsh.
Speaker 2: But I never used to be like that.
Speaker 1: This is something coming with age, And again I think
Speaker 1: it's coming with I know now every year I get older,
Speaker 1: I know what I want and I know that I
Speaker 1: don't want to.
Speaker 2: Waste my time on things that aren't that.
Speaker 1: So I've learned to get to a place where I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: it's more important to me right now to know that
Speaker 1: this is going somewhere or not going somewhere and find
Speaker 1: out than it is to bet around the bush for
Speaker 1: six months to figure out that it wasn't what I
Speaker 1: wanted when I could have asked one question, so now
Speaker 1: and not even when I'm in a relationship, even like
Speaker 1: the people that I have asked out on Instagram or
Speaker 1: online or in different ways in person, the people that
Speaker 1: I have asked out, I sometimes tell Laura.
Speaker 2: And Keisha and they're like, I can't believe you slid
Speaker 2: into his DM, like emboldened there, Raisin, you know what
Speaker 2: I think? Right when I do that?
Speaker 1: When like there was one guy UBERHT had the biggest
Speaker 1: crush on him for a long time, and I slid
Speaker 1: to his DM and I asked him out. And when
Speaker 1: I told with the girls, that was like, I can't
Speaker 1: believe you did that. I would never do that, And
Speaker 1: I thought, what's the worst that can happen. He's not
Speaker 1: even going to see the message. So in my head,
Speaker 1: I'm like, he's not even going to see it. Then
Speaker 1: if he does see it, he'll either just ignore it,
Speaker 1: and like that's not going to bother me.
Speaker 2: But anyway, this one person actually said, yes, that's crazy.
Speaker 2: That was and I was like, well, I was not
Speaker 2: expecting that. But my thing is, I'm not scared of rejection.
Speaker 1: And I think that that's something that has come with
Speaker 1: age because I used to be very scared of rejection.
Speaker 1: And this is why I've turned into an asker, because
Speaker 1: rejection doesn't hurt me anymore. I can differentiate rejection being personal,
Speaker 1: which of course it is personal. But when you think
Speaker 1: of if you think of dating and relationships, when you
Speaker 1: think of how many human beings are on this planet,
Speaker 1: if I ask one person out and they don't want
Speaker 1: to go out with me, that's.
Speaker 2: Not going to change one second of my day. Like
Speaker 2: it's genuinely not going to say it.
Speaker 3: But that all comes down to the fact that you
Speaker 3: have good boundaries and you have a good sense of
Speaker 3: self worth, because for a lot of people that's not
Speaker 3: the case. You know, some people would ask someone out,
Speaker 3: the answer would be no, and it would hurt their
Speaker 3: self esteem.
Speaker 2: And I guess it ultimately that's why it's come with age.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I guess ultimately in those situations it's a
Speaker 3: reflection of where each person is at, not just in age,
Speaker 3: because some people can be fifty and still be really
Speaker 3: affected by the fact that you know their love life
Speaker 3: or that they've experienced rejection. I think it does come
Speaker 3: from having a really strong sense of self.
Speaker 1: Conversely, with my friends and my family, I am not
Speaker 1: an asker.
Speaker 2: I will not ask.
Speaker 1: My friends and family. If I have asked my friends
Speaker 1: and family for something, it's desperate times, like I will
Speaker 1: not be brazen with them like I am in and dating.
Speaker 2: I'm so much softer with them.
Speaker 1: If I ever did want anything from them, I would
Speaker 1: one hundred percent bit around the abortion and put feelers
Speaker 1: out there. And that's just because I separate the two.
Speaker 1: So when I'm dealing with someone in a work environment,
Speaker 1: I usually I probably don't know those people. So I
Speaker 1: feel like I can be like that because there's no attachment.
Speaker 1: And this is where they say differentiates a lot of people,
Speaker 1: a lot of people that are on this sliding spectrum
Speaker 1: and they're a bit of A and a bit of B.
Speaker 1: That's usually when it is with the people that you're
Speaker 1: really close with.
Speaker 2: See.
Speaker 3: I think it's interesting because I feel like I'm the
Speaker 3: flip of that. I'm definitely an asker in my personal relationships,
Speaker 3: like with Matt, I can be an asker in all
Speaker 3: my other relationships. I'm definitely a guesser and Matt is
Speaker 3: exactly the same. We had this conversation today and we
Speaker 3: kind of were trying to figure out where we sat
Speaker 3: on this sliding scale. But I think the really interesting stuff,
Speaker 3: and where this becomes a sticking point is when you
Speaker 3: are somebody who is a guesser or an asker, wherever
Speaker 3: one you are, When you were trying to navigate a conversation,
Speaker 3: a relationship, a situationship, whatever the relationship looks like, with
Speaker 3: someone who is the opposite type to you, that's when
Speaker 3: things can really become sticky. And that's where so much
Speaker 3: miscommunication can actually come from.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, and this is why it's so important to
Speaker 1: have these conversations with anyone that's close to you, especially
Speaker 1: like an intimate partner. Think of how many times you
Speaker 1: might have had like a little tiff with your partner,
Speaker 1: right you've been implying something, or you've been putting your
Speaker 1: hints out there, they haven't picked that up. And then
Speaker 1: you have a fight where they're like, why didn't you
Speaker 1: just say Why didn't you just ask me? Why didn't
Speaker 1: you just say it? Why didn't you just tell me?
Speaker 1: Like and then the other person's like, well, I thought
Speaker 1: you would have figured it out by what I was saying.
Speaker 1: This is because you two haven't established that one of
Speaker 1: you is definitely an asker and one is a guesser.
Speaker 1: But once you know that if you're the asker and
Speaker 1: your partner's a guesser, once you know one hundred percent
Speaker 1: that they're the guesser, you're going to pick up these
Speaker 1: subtle hints pick You're gonna see them a mile away.
Speaker 1: But unless you've had that conversation, you're gonna be blind
Speaker 1: to it. That's when the fighting starts. This is when
Speaker 1: the clashes start in a relationship because no one's communicating clearly.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I read a really good example with this
Speaker 3: which actually stuck with me so much so.
Speaker 2: This one woman was saying that, you know.
Speaker 3: When her husban weren't late, he would always message and say, hey,
Speaker 3: can you cook me some dinner? And she would be like, yeah, sure,
Speaker 3: I love you, I want you to be happy. She
Speaker 3: would get up, she would cook his dinner, or she
Speaker 3: would make sure that there was food for him when
Speaker 3: he came home when he asked. On the flip side,
Speaker 3: she often came home from her shift late and she
Speaker 3: would rock in and there would be no dinner, there'd
Speaker 3: be nothing for her. She'd ask, yeah, and she got
Speaker 3: to a point where she was like, I feel like
Speaker 3: you don't care about me. You don't think about the
Speaker 3: things they want. You don't prioritize me. And in all
Speaker 3: this fight had completely evolved over the fact that she
Speaker 3: came home from her shift and he hadn't made her dinner.
Speaker 3: And ultimately he was like, but you don't ask me to.
Speaker 3: I didn't know that that's what you wanted. I just
Speaker 3: assumed you'd eatn at work. It's the miscommunication that can arise,
Speaker 3: and I guess Ultimately it comes down to that there
Speaker 3: is one group of people, this asking culture, where they
Speaker 3: are direct and they expect people to be direct with them,
Speaker 3: whereas people that come from this guessing culture are far
Speaker 3: more subtle. They don't deal with the blunt force of
Speaker 3: the direct ask and what they do is they try
Speaker 3: and imply.
Speaker 2: What they want.
Speaker 3: The problem is is that people who are guessers almost
Speaker 3: think that everybody else works in the same way as them,
Speaker 3: and people who are askers almost think that everybody else
Speaker 3: works in the same way as them. And that's where
Speaker 3: this huge miscommunication can come from.
Speaker 2: Now, let it be clear here on life on cut
Speaker 2: that neither is wrong or right. There's no such thing
Speaker 2: as oh I'm a guess er, I should be an asker.
Speaker 2: I'm an asker.
Speaker 1: I should be a guesser, but I want to go
Speaker 1: through the pros and cons of both. The pros have
Speaker 1: been an asker. You're not offended if someone says no
Speaker 1: to your suggestion or question. You tend to be more
Speaker 1: direct with situations instead of like beating around the bush,
Speaker 1: and there's little ambiguity.
Speaker 2: In your interactions, so you're not a time wastter.
Speaker 1: No one has to ever go home and try and
Speaker 1: decipher what you were trying to say or what happened
Speaker 1: in the situation. Which think of how many times you
Speaker 1: go home or you leave a message chain with someone
Speaker 1: you're like, what.
Speaker 2: Do you reckon? This means?
Speaker 1: And you try, you sit there with your friends trying
Speaker 1: to decipher it. That never happens because it's like, this
Speaker 1: is how it is, this is what I want?
Speaker 2: Are you in? Are you not?
Speaker 1: And then the cons have been an asker. People can
Speaker 1: find you a bit too assertive. Some people actually think
Speaker 1: that askers are rude.
Speaker 3: When totally like, why are you asking that of me?
Speaker 3: That's such an outret this is how I feel. Okay,
Speaker 3: if somebody is very direct with asking a question that
Speaker 3: I think is an unreasonable ask then I think that
Speaker 3: they're being rude.
Speaker 2: And now when I read all this, I was like, fuck,
Speaker 2: they're not being rude.
Speaker 3: They're just asking a question and expecting that the answer
Speaker 3: is probably know that they're just asking it.
Speaker 2: Yeap, that person would definitely not think they're being rude. Actually,
Speaker 2: this is a prime.
Speaker 1: Example of something that happened in our work group chat
Speaker 1: the other day. I wanted something done, like I needed
Speaker 1: some I need an email, so I just wrote, Hey,
Speaker 1: can somebody please send me that?
Speaker 2: See me on that email? I haven't been on that email.
Speaker 2: I just asked, can you keep me included from now on? Yeah?
Speaker 1: So I literally just word for word ask for what
Speaker 1: I needed or wanted. And then because I've been researching
Speaker 1: askers and guesses, I looked at it with a different
Speaker 1: lens and I was like, Okay, I know that I'm
Speaker 1: just on the fly. There's hundreds of messages going and
Speaker 1: I just asked what I want. But I know that
Speaker 1: other people now might not be askers and they might
Speaker 1: be guesses, and they might read that and think.
Speaker 2: I was too short and brazen. So then I'm me
Speaker 2: like one message later was like, oh hey, sorry. Also,
Speaker 2: if I sounded short, then I'm on the go and
Speaker 2: I just just wanted this done, and I just I'm
Speaker 2: looking at it with a different lens now because I
Speaker 2: realized that there are so many different people on this
Speaker 2: huge sliding scale, and it's really really interesting.
Speaker 3: Well, I think the big one is that it all
Speaker 3: comes down to just because you may not mean for
Speaker 3: it to be interpreted a certain way, but people are
Speaker 3: so different. Everyone comes to each experience with their own
Speaker 3: unique set of upbringings, walk of life interpretations, and that's
Speaker 3: just it. Every single person interprets one thing in a
Speaker 3: variety of different ways. And I guess the other big
Speaker 3: part of that is that phones were supposed to bring
Speaker 3: us closer together, but if anything, I think that so
Speaker 3: much around communication can be lost via text because, as
Speaker 3: we all know, it doesn't allow for tone, it doesn't
Speaker 3: allow for like your intonation, it doesn't allow for Alex
Speaker 3: Sark has so many really subtle social cues which are
Speaker 3: really important to the way that we communicate. A lost
Speaker 3: over text about how many times you have misinterpreted something
Speaker 3: to be far more negative than what it was intended
Speaker 3: because a text message came across as short, or came
Speaker 3: across as cutting or without grammar, or.
Speaker 2: With that fucking bad grammar.
Speaker 3: Okay, let's get into the pro So the prose of
Speaker 3: being a guesser. You're often viewed as being polite or
Speaker 3: easy to please. You're not somebody who usually ruffles feathers,
Speaker 3: and you are conscious of another person's circumstances. So I
Speaker 3: feel like most people who are guesses try to go
Speaker 3: above and beyond to accommodate when a questions asked them.
Speaker 3: When when they're asked to do something, you will do
Speaker 3: your best to try and accommodate for that, even if
Speaker 3: you don't really fucking want to do it.
Speaker 2: Even if the answer should be no.
Speaker 3: You would rather put yourself in an uncomfortable position than
Speaker 3: to disappoint somebody else. And that's kind of like where
Speaker 3: things can become really, really sticky. Now, the problem with
Speaker 3: being a guesser is that because you often do things
Speaker 3: that you don't want to do because you struggle to
Speaker 3: say the word no, you become resentful and become passive aggressive, And.
Speaker 2: That is what happens, you know.
Speaker 3: It's something that I have definitely experienced in my time,
Speaker 3: Like I'll do things I don't want to do because
Speaker 3: I feel there's an obligation to it when you resent,
Speaker 3: but I won't fucking do it with a smile on
Speaker 3: my face. Put in that way, some of the other
Speaker 3: cons about being a guesser is that you often lack boundaries.
Speaker 3: You know, you put other people's well being above your own.
Speaker 3: That's like two of the main things around like why
Speaker 3: it can be problematic and I guess ultimately, like like
Speaker 3: brit said that you know there's no right or wrong way,
Speaker 3: and obviously everybody sits on a scale of this, but
Speaker 3: it's about going into conversations a little bit softer, knowing
Speaker 3: that there are some people out there that you're questioned
Speaker 3: if you think that the answer could be a no,
Speaker 3: the question you're asking could cause anxiety to that other
Speaker 3: person that having to give you a no is an
Speaker 3: uncomfortable thing for them to experience.
Speaker 2: It's not as clear cut for them as what it
Speaker 2: is for you.
Speaker 1: And I just think it's just like the love languages.
Speaker 1: We just think it's something that you should have a
Speaker 1: conversation with if you've got someone really close to you,
Speaker 1: a partner, maybe a really close work colleagnlaw and myself,
Speaker 1: like we see each other every single day, steven days
Speaker 1: a week, if we don't see each other, we're texting.
Speaker 2: We're emailing. But if this in your life that you.
Speaker 1: Do deal with a lot, maybe have the conversation, Like,
Speaker 1: start this conversation, because it's pretty eye opening once you've
Speaker 1: realized that other people operate in different ways and this
Speaker 1: could be the difference. This conversation could be the difference
Speaker 1: in your relationship strengthening or I mean, like I don't
Speaker 1: want to say worsening or weakening, but once you get
Speaker 1: your head around why someone's doing something or does something,
Speaker 1: you might know that it's not necessarily coming with ill intent,
Speaker 1: or maybe your partner's also wanting more on the opposite side,
Speaker 1: and that you now know how to read that and
Speaker 1: how to give them that.
Speaker 3: Also, if you as somebody who is a guesser, learning
Speaker 3: to be more assertive in certain areas is something that
Speaker 3: is so important because no amount of subtleties is ever
Speaker 3: going to get you a pay rise. You know, no
Speaker 3: amount of subtleties is ever going to get you the
Speaker 3: relationship that you really want in life. And there are
Speaker 3: some situations where no matter how fucking uncomfortable it makes you,
Speaker 3: whether you are chronically conflict avoidant, but It's so important
Speaker 3: that you have the confidence and the sense of self
Speaker 3: worth and the ability to put boundaries in play that
Speaker 3: you're able to ask for what you want, regardless of
Speaker 3: whether the answer is going to be no. Sometimes, will you.
Speaker 2: Guys know, we never finished an episode without our sucking,
Speaker 2: our suite, our highlight and our low light of the week,
Speaker 2: the best thing and the worst thing. I am going
Speaker 2: to kick this off. My suck this week happened to
Speaker 2: me this morning.
Speaker 1: I went to get a coffee really quickly and met
Speaker 1: a friend, had to give them a parcel, came back.
Speaker 1: I didn't take Delila because it was just like five minutes.
Speaker 1: I came back and she had gotten my Beats headphones.
Speaker 2: No off the bed. No no, they're in a hard case.
Speaker 2: She got off in wild rotten.
Speaker 1: And she'd opened them up and she'd taken them out
Speaker 1: and she ate them. So she completely ate my Beats headphones.
Speaker 1: I'll show your photo.
Speaker 3: This dog is out of control, Brittany Hockley. I know
Speaker 3: that she's very pretty, but she is no. Well look
Speaker 3: it's the first time she hasn't done since the book,
Speaker 3: so it's been like a little bit something that you
Speaker 3: haven't shared with everyone. Though, is that she ate your
Speaker 3: most expensive handbag and I have a lot of feelings. Okay,
Speaker 3: Brittany went, you know we last year was like a
Speaker 3: really goal kicking, great year for us, and bought herself
Speaker 3: a handbag that she had saved up and worked towards.
Speaker 2: It was like a real like a cheap you.
Speaker 1: Know when you have those like cheat one little designer
Speaker 1: thing that I only own one designer thing, and it
Speaker 1: was something I'd really worked for.
Speaker 3: And you know when you have those achievement purchases, when
Speaker 3: you're like, when I've kicked this massive goal, I'm going
Speaker 3: to buy this for myself as a reward as a present.
Speaker 2: So Brittany did it.
Speaker 3: Brittany bought the super fucking expensive handbag that she had
Speaker 3: for six months and the dog ate it. And then
Speaker 3: you are so shocked.
Speaker 2: She also ate our book. Now she's actually bedad.
Speaker 3: You were so surprised when I'm like, Delilah is a nightmare,
Speaker 3: and you're like, how can you not love her? And
Speaker 3: I'm like, when she stops eating every single pair of
Speaker 3: headphones that we have for this podcast, I will love
Speaker 3: her more.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you forget she's forteen months old. She's still young.
Speaker 2: But she hasn't. If I wrote down everything she'd eaten. Look,
Speaker 2: I'm defending her. If I wrote down every how many
Speaker 2: she is, Oh no, hang on over her whole entire lifetime.
Speaker 2: It's not that many. She's weaning off it. So, but
Speaker 2: she definitely has a thing for headphones.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna say something really controversial. It like, it's gonna
Speaker 3: people are gonna hate this. You're not a dog person.
Speaker 2: I like grown dogs, but I don't really like puppies.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're definitely the only human in the world, like
Speaker 1: no one somebody don't like kids.
Speaker 2: Puppies bring so much happiness, so annoying. Yeah, but they're.
Speaker 1: So cute and how cute, how happy they make you. Well,
Speaker 1: for most people, not you outweighs the little bit of annoyance,
Speaker 1: like I mean, for me and every other normal human
Speaker 1: as the world.
Speaker 2: Do you know, I think I'm scarred.
Speaker 3: So we used to foster animals when it before I
Speaker 3: moved in with Matt and my old housemate. We foster animals,
Speaker 3: and that's how I got buster. We had a puppy
Speaker 3: named Biscuit living with us for a little while, and
Speaker 3: she pissed in my laptop, my open laptop, climbed up
Speaker 3: onto the couch and just pissed into my laptop and
Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, cool, not for me.
Speaker 2: Hey, she showed you you wagon too much. I am
Speaker 2: going to shut this. Well, lucky we found her a home,
Speaker 2: a forever home that was not ourse Well.
Speaker 1: My sweet is just that, you know, it's a simple sweet.
Speaker 1: It's a really really beautiful day today. There is no rain,
Speaker 1: the sun is out.
Speaker 2: It feels like a taste of and for me, that
Speaker 2: is one hundred pcent my swoon of the.
Speaker 3: Week, except that you're sitting here inside this freezing apartment
Speaker 3: wearing an audience.
Speaker 1: You haven't the house, as you know, because you lived
Speaker 1: here for three years. This house is so cold it
Speaker 1: could be somewhere outside to have and a heater on.
Speaker 2: It's unbelievable. I mean, you'd have a heater if you
Speaker 2: owned one. I do have one. It's a micro heater.
Speaker 2: It's supposed to be like good for the environment. I
Speaker 2: don't really do much. Okay.
Speaker 3: My suck for the week is that last week was
Speaker 3: a super busy work week, which just meant that I
Speaker 3: was getting home really late from night. The kids were
Speaker 3: in bed, and so I mean, it doesn't happen every
Speaker 3: week by any means, but like this last week, I
Speaker 3: feel like I haven't had any quality time with the kids.
Speaker 3: It's been super transactional. It's been like get food into them,
Speaker 3: get them into bed, or get them out of bed,
Speaker 3: get them rushed to day care. Everything has been in
Speaker 3: a rush. And I really miss them this week and
Speaker 3: really like can't wait to spend some proper quality time
Speaker 3: with them. And I think, you know, for anybody who
Speaker 3: is a working mum who goes through periods of having
Speaker 3: to juggle a lot of things, it's something that you
Speaker 3: carry a lot of guilt for. And as much as
Speaker 3: whenever I have really busy periods, Matt steps up to
Speaker 3: the plate and he's been doing so much, you still
Speaker 3: kind of get to the end of the week and
Speaker 3: you're like, fuck, like I missed them, even though I
Speaker 3: see them every day, Well like I just missed I
Speaker 3: really really missed them. And you know, they're so fun
Speaker 3: and they're so funny to be around, and then you
Speaker 3: kind of go like, oh, I don't want to be
Speaker 3: doing this. I just want to be hanging out with you.
Speaker 3: And it's a real push and pool feeling that sort
Speaker 3: of like juggling being a working mum and being.
Speaker 2: A mum at the same time.
Speaker 3: But my suite for the week is that this morning
Speaker 3: we got to go as a little family. We did
Speaker 3: our we didn't like we have the dumbest little Saturday
Speaker 3: or Sunday morning ritual.
Speaker 2: We go down to Brontie Park.
Speaker 3: And we go on the train. I ran there and
Speaker 3: I looked for you this morning. I I feed on
Speaker 3: the train in so long. Matt was hungover and I
Speaker 3: made him go on the train. But like, we just
Speaker 3: had like a really cute little family morning together and
Speaker 3: I just it was exactly what we needed because I
Speaker 3: have been feeling a bit disconnected from them, so I.
Speaker 1: Must have just missed you this morning because I did
Speaker 1: look at you on the train as I ran past.
Speaker 1: I was like, surely they're going to be done.
Speaker 2: Surely all they do with their life is tracking Bronti train.
Speaker 2: But that is it from us, guys.
Speaker 3: Just a reminder if you haven't yet got yourself the book,
Speaker 3: it is available for pre order We Love Love. You
Speaker 3: can get that from our website. You can also jump
Speaker 3: onto the website which is Life on cutpodcast dot com
Speaker 3: dot au and get tickets for our Sydney Live Show.
Speaker 3: There are a few left, but not many, and honestly
Speaker 3: it's the one and only that we're gonna do this year.
Speaker 2: Don't miss out. It's gonna be so fun.
Speaker 1: And this is the last release of tickets. We won't
Speaker 1: be releasing any more after this.
Speaker 2: This isn't like a pretend like last release.
Speaker 3: Yes, this is the last release, closing down sales starts now. No, seriously,
Speaker 3: this is the very last release and that is it
Speaker 3: from us.
Speaker 2: You know the drill.
Speaker 1: Don't forget to your mum, ta dad, to dot tea
Speaker 1: friends and share the love because we love love