1 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,760 Speaker 1: Hello, this is the Happy Families podcasts and November fourteen, 2 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,200 Speaker 1: inching closer to the end of Term four, inching close 3 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,760 Speaker 1: to the end of year twelve exams for those of 4 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,000 Speaker 1: you who've got big kids that are just about ready 5 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,840 Speaker 1: to finish school forever, and we're inching closer to another 6 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:23,880 Speaker 1: at the end of another week. Every Friday and the 7 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast we give you insight into the lives 8 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,680 Speaker 1: of the Coulson family, what we're doing right, what we're 9 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: doing wrong, what we're celebrating, and what we are commiserating about. 10 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,880 Speaker 1: And in today's episode of the pod, find out how 11 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,960 Speaker 1: I got it right but wrong at the same time, 12 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:41,240 Speaker 1: probably more wrong than right. I'm giving myself more credit 13 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:44,599 Speaker 1: than I deserve, because sometimes raising teenagers can be exhausting, 14 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,479 Speaker 1: and you think you know everything, but they think they 15 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,239 Speaker 1: know everything and it all blows up. I'm going to 16 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,600 Speaker 1: tell you how I blew up, where I was wrong, 17 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:54,720 Speaker 1: and how it ended up being all right. Plus missus 18 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:59,560 Speaker 1: Happy Families with a story about delegating responsibility because sometimes 19 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:03,640 Speaker 1: enough is enough and it can actually work out well. 20 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:06,039 Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us. That and a whole lot more 21 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:11,760 Speaker 1: coming up right after this. Hello and welcome to the 22 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,520 Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast Real Parenting Solutions every single day. This 23 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 1: is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. And we are Justin 24 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,680 Speaker 1: and Kylie call some parents of six kids. I'm the 25 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:23,520 Speaker 1: author of a bunch of books about raising happy families. 26 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 1: And Kylie. We have some housekeeping, as we always do 27 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,880 Speaker 1: every time we kick off our Friday plot. It's kind 28 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,520 Speaker 1: of like our news day. I really enjoy it. I 29 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: get to we get to be a bit vulnerable about 30 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:38,240 Speaker 1: our lives. I was surprised that you've been busy in 31 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:40,800 Speaker 1: our living room doing things that I think it's way 32 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,000 Speaker 1: too early in the year to be doing. 33 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:43,720 Speaker 2: Are you a grinch? 34 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:48,200 Speaker 1: Well, I'm not a grinch. I just don't It's mid November. 35 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,640 Speaker 1: It's too early to be a grinch or to be 36 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,680 Speaker 1: putting up a Christmas tree. Really, yes, I mean it 37 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:54,280 Speaker 1: looks amazing. 38 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 2: I just had a conversation with Miss eleven, who said 39 00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:00,360 Speaker 2: it's really sad that Christmas is only one day, right, 40 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,720 Speaker 2: And I said, that's why we put it up so early, 41 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:04,560 Speaker 2: so we get to enjoy the spirit of Christmas with 42 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,240 Speaker 2: so much longer. I can't believe you're winging about. 43 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,840 Speaker 1: This Christmas tree is up. It looks great, it's official. 44 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,960 Speaker 1: I love it. I mean, I do love it, but 45 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 1: it just feels like a lot. Miss. 46 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:16,760 Speaker 2: I did something a little bit crazy this year. I 47 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 2: added pink to the tree. 48 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,519 Speaker 1: Pink, yeah, pink and red and green and everything else. 49 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 2: I'm pretty traditional. I stick with my red and white. 50 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:27,160 Speaker 2: I like it, but this year I decided to add 51 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,040 Speaker 2: a little bit of flair. 52 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:29,480 Speaker 1: Actually I love it. Do you know how many days 53 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:31,440 Speaker 1: to Christmas? Just so that I can maintain my grinch 54 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:32,400 Speaker 1: for a moment longer. 55 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,679 Speaker 2: Well, not that I'm counting, but forty one. 56 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:40,760 Speaker 1: That's too many days, Like, I'm sorry, too many days. 57 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:43,000 Speaker 1: But that's great. So that's how are you prepared? That's 58 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,120 Speaker 1: our first bit of your presence. The tradition is in 59 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,160 Speaker 1: this house that I say, we're not doing Christmas this year. 60 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,400 Speaker 1: We need to buckle our belts, we need to tighten 61 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,840 Speaker 1: our belts whatever it is, and stop spending money. And 62 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,880 Speaker 1: then on Christmas Eve I have a massive panic attack 63 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,240 Speaker 1: and go and join the throngs in the shopping center 64 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: and spend far too much money, spoil everybody. So I 65 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,560 Speaker 1: plan on doing that again this year. Right now, I'm 66 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,840 Speaker 1: not buying anything for anyone and I'm not planning on 67 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:08,000 Speaker 1: shopping on Christmas Eve, but I'm pretty sure that's what 68 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,360 Speaker 1: I'm going to end up doing. Again. 69 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,160 Speaker 2: Well, you might've got cranky at me the other day 70 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,680 Speaker 2: because I took a line of our children's shopping because 71 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,000 Speaker 2: they're at the point now where it's not even worth 72 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,080 Speaker 2: trying to surprise them with anything. 73 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,880 Speaker 1: Hang on, background here, background. You had a conversation with 74 00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:24,320 Speaker 1: me a couple of weeks ago and said, what do 75 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:25,800 Speaker 1: you think we should set as a budget for the 76 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 1: kids for Christmas, just so we don't overspent, because lately 77 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,680 Speaker 1: the last couple of Christmas is we have spent too much. 78 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,920 Speaker 1: And I made a suggestion about a number, and you 79 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,640 Speaker 1: mocked me and laughed and said, we can't possibly do 80 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:40,200 Speaker 1: Christmas that cheaply. So the other day we stopped in 81 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:43,960 Speaker 1: at DFO in Brisbane on the way back from being 82 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:48,880 Speaker 1: out of town and you bought some stuff for that child. 83 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,680 Speaker 1: And I'm finishing your story for you because the amount 84 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:55,160 Speaker 1: that I suggested you quadrupled it. 85 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:57,680 Speaker 2: Well, I came up with a plan and. 86 00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 1: I said, well, now you've just set the bar for 87 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,800 Speaker 1: all five of our other children as well as our 88 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:04,480 Speaker 1: son in law and who knows who else, and I 89 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,119 Speaker 1: don't think we can afford Christmas this year. 90 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:07,520 Speaker 2: Well, I've just worked out if I give her a 91 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 2: few of them now, then she'll be in the budget. 92 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:13,480 Speaker 1: So no, no, no delay gratification. She can wait till April 93 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,760 Speaker 1: till she has her birthday. Yeah. Yeah, you're not doing 94 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:16,400 Speaker 1: it to her now. 95 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 2: Wow, you really are a grunt. 96 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,520 Speaker 1: Okay, other housekeeping, May I move on, of course? Okay, 97 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,839 Speaker 1: last Monday, so we're going back like twelve days. I 98 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:27,760 Speaker 1: know it's the way back, but we just sometimes we 99 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,880 Speaker 1: can't squeeze everything into the pod when we want to. 100 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:34,279 Speaker 1: Last Monday, we did a podcast episode. Well we talked 101 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:38,720 Speaker 1: about getting kids to go to sleep when every night 102 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 1: is a meltdown and you're having those explosive evenings. And 103 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,560 Speaker 1: I thought we did a really good job on that pod. 104 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:48,080 Speaker 1: But we got this voice message from the Happy Families 105 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:52,000 Speaker 1: website happyfamilies dot com dot you. Sharon from Newcastle jumped 106 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,719 Speaker 1: on and I think that she should actually be hosting 107 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:58,200 Speaker 1: her own podcast because this was brilliant. Here's what she said. 108 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,919 Speaker 3: Hi, I'm Sharon and I'm from Newcastle, New South Wales. 109 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 3: I was just listening to your podcast on when every 110 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:08,479 Speaker 3: night is a melkdown. I just wanted to let you 111 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:12,239 Speaker 3: know a couple of things about my family. I've actually 112 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:14,880 Speaker 3: always put my kids to bed, and I was inspired 113 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,720 Speaker 3: by two people. My best friend at high school her 114 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,000 Speaker 3: dad would talk to her before bed every night when 115 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:24,960 Speaker 3: she was a teenager, and another friend she'd put her 116 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,320 Speaker 3: son to bed and she'd say something like, oh, the 117 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,440 Speaker 3: light's too bright, and when she turned the light off, 118 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:34,040 Speaker 3: her teenage son would start divulging his feelings and talking 119 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:37,320 Speaker 3: a bit more. My kids are currently eleven and thirteen, 120 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,960 Speaker 3: and they have half an hour with me each night. 121 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,520 Speaker 3: I was a single mum, but they know every night 122 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 3: they are with me that half an hour of time 123 00:05:45,839 --> 00:05:50,479 Speaker 3: is theirs. For my daughter, that's evolved from like playing 124 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,840 Speaker 3: card games or doing talking teddies. Sometimes we do role 125 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:58,039 Speaker 3: swap where I'm her and she's me, which is always hilarious, 126 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,599 Speaker 3: or we just ask each other question. For my thirteen 127 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:05,400 Speaker 3: year old son, that has been things like reading together 128 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,719 Speaker 3: to now playing the word at bedtime, talking and cuddling titties. 129 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:13,200 Speaker 3: I'll also add, as a single mama, bedshare with my 130 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,080 Speaker 3: eleven year old daughter because I cannot afford to rent 131 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:20,080 Speaker 3: anywhere else and yes, sometimes we still have those nights. 132 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,279 Speaker 3: My daughter just wants more time with me, so she 133 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,120 Speaker 3: comes out to me in the lounge room where I'm 134 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:27,360 Speaker 3: having time by myself. These notes. I think it's going 135 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:31,360 Speaker 3: to be like this forever, and I genuinely really feel 136 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,400 Speaker 3: upset and angry, like it's going to go on for ages. 137 00:06:35,279 --> 00:06:37,480 Speaker 3: But when they were little, I used to think, well, 138 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,960 Speaker 3: they've only been on the planet for eight years or 139 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,919 Speaker 3: five years or whatever it was, so maybe they're just 140 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,200 Speaker 3: not ready for something, or maybe they need more connection 141 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,920 Speaker 3: or something right at this moment in time. And now 142 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:48,640 Speaker 3: it's no different. 143 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:50,480 Speaker 1: How awesome is that? 144 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:51,279 Speaker 2: It's pretty awesome? 145 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, So thank you very much Sharon 146 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:55,960 Speaker 1: for sending that through. I just wanted to play it 147 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,800 Speaker 1: because it underscores the stuff that we're talking about. Relationships matter. 148 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,200 Speaker 1: It's all about relationships. 149 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:06,640 Speaker 2: What I love about what she shared was again for her. 150 00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:09,400 Speaker 2: She's a single mum. There's no one else backing her up, 151 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,960 Speaker 2: and yet she's made this a priority. She's been so 152 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:16,800 Speaker 2: intentional about how she chooses to spend time with her children, 153 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,440 Speaker 2: and sometimes, like most parents, at the expense of her 154 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:20,880 Speaker 2: own time. 155 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, make the investment. It's worth it and the kids 156 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 1: need it, all right, Kylie before the break you're older, 157 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,200 Speaker 1: but it tomorrow. It's fairly quick. One from you today, 158 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:32,360 Speaker 1: So let's hear what's going on, what's working, what are 159 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 1: you excited about? Because you'd had enough. 160 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,960 Speaker 2: A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the fact 161 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:42,160 Speaker 2: that we decided that we were going to outsource our 162 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:46,120 Speaker 2: cooking to the kids. We still have five children at home. 163 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,600 Speaker 2: So literally, if all of those kids, five of them 164 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 2: cook one meal, that means you can cook a meal, 165 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 2: and I can cook a meal. That's one meal a week. 166 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,520 Speaker 1: Seven people in the house. Everyone does I mean, even 167 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:58,360 Speaker 1: our eleven year old can get on board with this, right, 168 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,560 Speaker 1: But we've got four kids older than fifteen. We got 169 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:04,560 Speaker 1: three eighteen and above. Yeah, three adults, so pull your 170 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 1: weight kids. Basically, the conversation we had politely. 171 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,200 Speaker 2: I'd like to say the first week went brilliantly. It didn't. 172 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:13,560 Speaker 2: It was absolute shamuzzle for me. I needed structure, and 173 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,840 Speaker 2: so I just said, all right, let's start youngest to oldest. 174 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,960 Speaker 2: So Emily did the first meal that night, and she 175 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:23,400 Speaker 2: cooked what she would consider the best bolonnaise she's ever like, 176 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,880 Speaker 2: ever tasted, not cooked ever tasted. She had three helpings. Yeah, 177 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,640 Speaker 2: this is a kid who doesn't often eat dinner at nighttime. 178 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:34,400 Speaker 2: She loved it, But the rest of the week kind 179 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,040 Speaker 2: of just was. 180 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:39,719 Speaker 1: Kids with crazy routines and weird schedules. 181 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,560 Speaker 2: And the oldest said she couldn't do the Friday, and 182 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,640 Speaker 2: it just all kind of you know, we ended up 183 00:08:44,679 --> 00:08:46,360 Speaker 2: having a muck in again and I was getting it 184 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,760 Speaker 2: a little bit frustrated, so we tried it again. We 185 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:52,360 Speaker 2: rearranged things. The oldest now cooks on a Monday, not Friday. 186 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,640 Speaker 1: And week two was great, right, Well. 187 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:57,560 Speaker 2: No, it still was a bit messy because the oldest 188 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,959 Speaker 2: wanted my input in that she wanted me to make 189 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,200 Speaker 2: the decision about what we were cooking. She wanted me 190 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,439 Speaker 2: to make sure everything was there for her, she wanted 191 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,880 Speaker 2: me to tell her how to do it. And yes, 192 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,200 Speaker 2: she needed a little bit of handholding because she wanted 193 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,760 Speaker 2: to try something new. But the whole reason I wanted 194 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,400 Speaker 2: this was because I'm tired of having to make the 195 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,079 Speaker 2: decision about food. 196 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 1: That's fast, I don't know what's for dinner. I'm tired 197 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,160 Speaker 1: of deciding what's for dinner someone else decided. 198 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,719 Speaker 2: So I got a little bit frustrated with her, and 199 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,360 Speaker 2: it didn't end well very well. 200 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,840 Speaker 1: Well, the meal was good whatever happened. I mean, the 201 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,000 Speaker 1: meal was good. I missed all the background stuff. 202 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:38,520 Speaker 2: But week three, Week three has been delightful. And why 203 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,760 Speaker 2: it's been delightful again, it's still being messy. One child 204 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,800 Speaker 2: who was supposed to cook on their night didn't come 205 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,600 Speaker 2: home in time to cook dinner. I got a phone 206 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,960 Speaker 2: call from another child and said, who's on dinner tonight, mum? 207 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,600 Speaker 2: And I said it's your sister and she said, yeah, 208 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,520 Speaker 2: she's not here. I said, no, she's not going to 209 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,240 Speaker 2: make it home. Would you like me to do it? 210 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,000 Speaker 2: She stepped up. She just said, I wasn't able to 211 00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,840 Speaker 2: do my meal last night, so I'm really happy to 212 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,120 Speaker 2: do that one And a few times through the week 213 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,960 Speaker 2: that's happened and somebody has stepped up. They're now so 214 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,080 Speaker 2: much more aware of the fact that dinner needs to 215 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:11,600 Speaker 2: be done and somebody is in charge of it, not me, 216 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,560 Speaker 2: And when they realize that person's not there, they're actually 217 00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:17,679 Speaker 2: stepping up. And I'm loving it. And what has blown 218 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 2: me away? One of our children, she was very creative 219 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:25,240 Speaker 2: in the kitchen. You were very nervous about eating her food. 220 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,040 Speaker 2: Actually didn't want to come into the kitchen. 221 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,920 Speaker 1: I mean you're saying creative, I'm saying disorganized and doesn't 222 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 1: follow the recipe and is literally just throwing ingredients in 223 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:36,320 Speaker 1: and making it up. 224 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,960 Speaker 2: This is the kid who you give her a boxed 225 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,040 Speaker 2: cake mix and she looks at it. 226 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,440 Speaker 1: And goes, that looks too boring. Let's yeah, let's add 227 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:48,600 Speaker 1: this and this. But she has no base or foundational 228 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:53,080 Speaker 1: knowledge on which she is leveraging those decisions. She's just like, 229 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:57,280 Speaker 1: I think we should put carrot or pumpkin or chimrick, 230 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,840 Speaker 1: or like, she just chucks stuff in because this looks 231 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:00,520 Speaker 1: in interesting. 232 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,440 Speaker 2: I had to coax you into the kitchen. 233 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:02,680 Speaker 1: Tea. 234 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:07,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, but it was delicious. She did such a good job. 235 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:10,280 Speaker 1: I think that. I mean, I hope that she's not 236 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,600 Speaker 1: listening right now. I would call it delicious compared to 237 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,080 Speaker 1: what I thought it was going to be. I wouldn't 238 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:18,360 Speaker 1: call it objectively delicious. I think she did a great job. 239 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:19,319 Speaker 1: She did. 240 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:22,720 Speaker 2: We had another mishap. We ran out of paprika, and 241 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,720 Speaker 2: so the girls decided to improvise curry powder. 242 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:30,920 Speaker 1: But you know what, this is the thing they haven't 243 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:32,440 Speaker 1: really had to do it you're such a good cook 244 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,120 Speaker 1: and you've always cooked. And even the kids that have 245 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 1: moved out of home, they didn't do a lot of 246 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,679 Speaker 1: cooking when they moved out of home. Now they come 247 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:40,760 Speaker 1: back and they're sort of saying, we don't really have 248 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:44,280 Speaker 1: the skills, and now that they're cooking every week, they're 249 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,439 Speaker 1: developing the skills. They're actually saying, I'll make the decision, 250 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,040 Speaker 1: but mum, will you come in and work with me 251 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,559 Speaker 1: on this because I want to learn how to get 252 00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:53,760 Speaker 1: it right. And we're seeing we're seeing improvements in the 253 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,000 Speaker 1: scheduling and in the routine and the structure, but also 254 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,200 Speaker 1: in the quality of the food that we're eating bit 255 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 1: by bitest thing for me is that we're going back 256 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,040 Speaker 1: to eating the same foods that we've been eating for 257 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,760 Speaker 1: the last twenty five years, because it's the stuff that 258 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,320 Speaker 1: they love, the spaghetti bonnais and lasagna and the chicken 259 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:09,360 Speaker 1: broccoli and the casserole. 260 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,360 Speaker 2: But they're also recognizing they're going to leave home in 261 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,280 Speaker 2: the next couple of times and they need to be 262 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:16,760 Speaker 2: able to work things into their budget. 263 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,160 Speaker 1: So what's to take home message? 264 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 2: Get creative, Recognize that when you try new things, it's 265 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,040 Speaker 2: going to be messy. It's not going to work all 266 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,840 Speaker 2: at once, but it doesn't mean that the system's broke. 267 00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:32,199 Speaker 2: You just actually need to massage it, work with it, 268 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,760 Speaker 2: be patient, and the fruits will come. 269 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,760 Speaker 1: Okay after the break, I got it wrong, but I 270 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,160 Speaker 1: got it right. I'm pretty sure I got it right 271 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,080 Speaker 1: more than I got it wrong. It ended up all 272 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:45,400 Speaker 1: right even though I didn't get it right. Maybe more 273 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:55,600 Speaker 1: to come, stay with us. This is the Happy Families podcast. 274 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 1: Welcome back. This past couple of weeks, one of the kids, 275 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: I'm just going to say, our fifteen year old, and 276 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:04,160 Speaker 1: she listens to the podcast. I've caught her listening to 277 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,959 Speaker 1: the pod. She wants to hear what we're talking about. 278 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:11,240 Speaker 1: She's listening right now, no doubt, But a couple of 279 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:16,760 Speaker 1: weeks ago, she just was just attitude, big, horrible, mean, 280 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 1: nasty attitude, really hard to get along with. 281 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,400 Speaker 2: That doesn't sound like any fifteen year old I. 282 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:24,080 Speaker 1: Know treating her sisters badly, Like it was just really 283 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: really really hard and I had enough, like I was 284 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:31,120 Speaker 1: just a jack of it. And so I went looking 285 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,480 Speaker 1: for her so that I could tell her that I'd 286 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,520 Speaker 1: had enough, and also to tell her to hurry up 287 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:36,000 Speaker 1: and ge rif school because she was going to be late. 288 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,920 Speaker 1: I walked past her bedroom, calling her name. There was 289 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,400 Speaker 1: no answer. I walked down the hallway calling her name, 290 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,120 Speaker 1: there's no answer. I checked the bathroom. I called her 291 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,960 Speaker 1: name again, called her four or five times. And then 292 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,960 Speaker 1: as I walked back down the hallway and could see 293 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,920 Speaker 1: directly into her room, she was sitting there the whole time. 294 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,880 Speaker 1: And I walked in the room. I'm like, I've just 295 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,120 Speaker 1: called you five times and you've ignored me. She does that, right, 296 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,080 Speaker 1: You call her name, she just doesn't answer, and it's 297 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,720 Speaker 1: so rude, so disrespectful. And then I started to proceed 298 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 1: to tell her how rude and disrespectful she was, and 299 00:14:02,559 --> 00:14:04,760 Speaker 1: then she gave me some attitude. And it's like this 300 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,199 Speaker 1: vicious cycle. You say something and they say something, and 301 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 1: fifteen year olds, they're never humble about this. They're never 302 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:12,960 Speaker 1: you know what, Dad, you're right, thanks for pointing out 303 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,839 Speaker 1: my inadequacies, and I'll try to do better. They never 304 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:18,679 Speaker 1: say that. They're just angry. And I stormed out of 305 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 1: the room. I like fair income, Like just own it right, 306 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:25,000 Speaker 1: use your ore, your ownership, your accountability, and your responsibility. 307 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: Get out of bed. Stop being in blame, excuse, and denial. 308 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,600 Speaker 1: So I gave her my favorite like she she pushed 309 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,800 Speaker 1: the right button and off I went stormed out of 310 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,720 Speaker 1: the room, and I don't know she managed to get 311 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:38,440 Speaker 1: herself to school, and that afternoon she came home and 312 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:41,480 Speaker 1: she must have been stewing it an all day, because 313 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,680 Speaker 1: she walked into the office and she said, can I 314 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,560 Speaker 1: talk to you about this morning, please? 315 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:46,720 Speaker 3: Dad? 316 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,440 Speaker 1: And I said sure, And then she just owned it. 317 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,920 Speaker 1: She took full responsibility for everything she'd done wrong. She 318 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:57,040 Speaker 1: also pointed out that my perception of what was occurring 319 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:02,160 Speaker 1: and the reality of what was occurring were not perfectly aligned. 320 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,640 Speaker 1: But she did it quite respectfully. She did it carefully. 321 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,920 Speaker 1: And when she'd finished, I looked at her and smiled, 322 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,160 Speaker 1: and I said, You've put a lot of work into 323 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:13,640 Speaker 1: that little speech, haven't you, Just because she'd been thinking 324 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,320 Speaker 1: about her all day, it was obvious in the way 325 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:19,200 Speaker 1: that she was articulating and expressing herself and saying, here's 326 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 1: what happened, and here's what you did, and here's how 327 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,080 Speaker 1: I felt, and here's how you were feeling. Like she'd 328 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,840 Speaker 1: really done the work to make sure that she could 329 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,640 Speaker 1: communicate it well. I got it. Wrong. My perception in 330 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 1: that moment was wrong, and I had to apologize to 331 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:35,640 Speaker 1: her for that. Then we ended up in this vicious 332 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:40,240 Speaker 1: cycle together where we antagonized one another and we both 333 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:43,240 Speaker 1: got it wrong, and she took responsibility for it. It 334 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:47,280 Speaker 1: was amazing to see her get it. I was wonderful. 335 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,280 Speaker 1: And then she made a commitment that we would work 336 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,960 Speaker 1: harder on it that night and subsequently, and she has 337 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,760 Speaker 1: and we have, and it's been That's the win that 338 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,440 Speaker 1: came out of the loss. And the take home message 339 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,600 Speaker 1: is you don't know everything as a parent. You think 340 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,520 Speaker 1: you do, but you're so often so off the mark, 341 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,360 Speaker 1: flying off the hand, or doesn't always work. In fact, 342 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 1: usually it doesn't work. But if you're really lucky, you'll 343 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:16,480 Speaker 1: have amazing kids who will recognize that the relationship really matters. 344 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,440 Speaker 1: They'll put in the time and the effort, they'll own 345 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,040 Speaker 1: their stuff, and they'll work with you on better solutions 346 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,560 Speaker 1: and finding ways out of the problems you're having. 347 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,880 Speaker 2: Recently, we were recorded for another podcast and we were 348 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,680 Speaker 2: talking specifically about ruptures and relationships. 349 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,760 Speaker 1: Yeah. It was a marriage therapy podcast. Yeah, I mean 350 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:38,040 Speaker 1: we weren't being therapeutically, no, we were sharing. Yeah, Okay, 351 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,040 Speaker 1: carry on, and. 352 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:43,920 Speaker 2: The host he called you out on something when you 353 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,320 Speaker 2: talked about the fact that you really, you know, kind 354 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:50,360 Speaker 2: of are unhappy when there's ruptures in the relationship, and 355 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:54,920 Speaker 2: he talked about how priceless those experiences were because as 356 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,960 Speaker 2: you had shared those really difficult ruptures that had taken 357 00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:01,920 Speaker 2: place in different relationships within our family over at different times, 358 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,360 Speaker 2: there was this opportunity to reconnect and to repair and 359 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:11,400 Speaker 2: to heal. And those experiences are actually the ones that 360 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:16,400 Speaker 2: bind us together. They're the ones that connect us deeply 361 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:22,199 Speaker 2: because we recognize our imperfections and we're able to take responsibility, 362 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,639 Speaker 2: acknowledge them, ask for forgiveness, and move forward. 363 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,600 Speaker 1: And you get to demonstrate the love that you have 364 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,280 Speaker 1: for that person, because if you didn't love them, you 365 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,120 Speaker 1: wouldn't be trying to repair. You don't make those kind 366 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: of repairs attitude. 367 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,280 Speaker 2: Your love's bigger than whatever that problem was. 368 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, nice wrap up Onny. That's great. Hey, We really 369 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,880 Speaker 1: hope that you've got something out of this podcast today. 370 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:41,800 Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening. The Happy Famili's podcast is 371 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 1: produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Mediamhammon's provides research. Adamin 372 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 1: and a whole lot of other support. For more info 373 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 1: about making your family happier, visit us at happy families 374 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,280 Speaker 1: dot com, dot you and have a great weekend. Talk 375 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:52,720 Speaker 1: to you under