1 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:07,160 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers now. Hello. This 3 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,440 Speaker 1: is doctor Justin Coilson, the founder of Happy Families dot com, 4 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:16,279 Speaker 1: dot you, and the co host and parenting expert on 5 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:20,480 Speaker 1: Channel Line's Parental Guidance. Today a conversation with Damien Cave 6 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:23,960 Speaker 1: about his brand new book It's called Parenting Like an Australian. 7 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:28,600 Speaker 1: Parenting Like an Australian One family's quest to fight fear 8 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:33,479 Speaker 1: and dive into a better, braver life. Damien Cave is 9 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,519 Speaker 1: a New York Times correspondent based in Sydney. 10 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:37,360 Speaker 2: He arrived in. 11 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,720 Speaker 1: Sydney with one mission, and that was to make the 12 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:42,839 Speaker 1: Times awesome over here. Damien and his wife Diana were 13 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 1: finalists for the Pulitz Surprize in International Reporting in two 14 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:48,199 Speaker 1: thousand and eight with a team in Baghdad where he 15 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,839 Speaker 1: covered the Iraq War, and like I said, he's been 16 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:56,360 Speaker 1: the Ossie Bureau chief since twenty seventeen here in Australia. 17 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,040 Speaker 1: The book Parenting Like an Australian is what we're going 18 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:02,040 Speaker 1: to discuss to Damien, thanks for joining me on the podcast. 19 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:03,240 Speaker 2: Thank you for having me. 20 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:06,240 Speaker 1: I want to start with something that you may not 21 00:01:06,319 --> 00:01:09,679 Speaker 1: have expected would be our jump off point. But as 22 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: I read the book, I saw so much, Like I 23 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 1: just resonate so much with what you're saying. Because I'm 24 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,640 Speaker 1: an Australian and I love the ocean, I love surfing, 25 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,399 Speaker 1: and the kids have done nippers and all the things 26 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: that you're writing about. I'm so excited for you to 27 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 1: be having these awful experiences learning what makes Australian Australian 28 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: life so great. I wonder if you can start by 29 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:29,120 Speaker 1: sharing two epic failures that you write about in parenting 30 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:30,640 Speaker 1: like an Australian. 31 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:31,040 Speaker 2: Show me too. 32 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,520 Speaker 1: Just the first time that I want to pick on 33 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 1: your first surf lesson how that came to be and 34 00:01:37,319 --> 00:01:39,360 Speaker 1: why it was so bad and what happened as a result. 35 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,680 Speaker 1: And secondly, the first time you dived into the pool 36 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:46,440 Speaker 1: for a timed four hundred meters swim, what that was 37 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,040 Speaker 1: all about, the history of that and why that would 38 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:48,520 Speaker 1: so badly. 39 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,160 Speaker 2: Yes, happy to talk about both those. So in the 40 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,000 Speaker 2: first case, and to some degree, this is the story 41 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,480 Speaker 2: of the book. It's me sort of following my wife 42 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,520 Speaker 2: and my kids into Australian life and me being kind 43 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:02,680 Speaker 2: of the one lagging behind. So with surfing, my wife 44 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,040 Speaker 2: got here from New York and just decided to dive 45 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,880 Speaker 2: in and started surfing before any of us taking lessons 46 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:11,560 Speaker 2: and getting into it. And of course, you know, I figured, well, 47 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,800 Speaker 2: if she can do it, I should try it, and 48 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,600 Speaker 2: figuring it couldn't be that hard. My dad had been 49 00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:19,520 Speaker 2: a surfer, we had tried surfing once before in Costa Rica, 50 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,160 Speaker 2: and if I recall, she managed to stand up that 51 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,920 Speaker 2: day and I did not, but undaunted, I went and 52 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 2: hadn't taken a lesson and just found it to be 53 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 2: so thrilling to be a beginner and to just be 54 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:35,120 Speaker 2: laughing and falling over the place. And I completely looked ridiculous, 55 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,680 Speaker 2: I'm sure, not just in that first lesson, but in 56 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:40,360 Speaker 2: the second one and then the third one too, But 57 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,119 Speaker 2: in a weird way, I was able to just get 58 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:45,960 Speaker 2: like just enough improvement to sort of relish the idea 59 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,920 Speaker 2: of being a beginner at something. And so you know, 60 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,840 Speaker 2: standing for even a split second felt good and felt 61 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,960 Speaker 2: like a triumph. And I don't know, I'm sure every 62 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,799 Speaker 2: lots of your listeners have had this experience, because I 63 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,800 Speaker 2: think it's pretty common among Australians. But I was learning 64 00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,679 Speaker 2: to kind of be a child again and learn to 65 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:03,119 Speaker 2: kind of be a beginner again, and I was extremely 66 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:04,960 Speaker 2: grateful for that, even though it took me many, many 67 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,120 Speaker 2: years to go from that to being a somewhat decent surfer. 68 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,359 Speaker 2: So that was the first mistake in the first failure 69 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,040 Speaker 2: that led to I guess, a period of joy. The 70 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,359 Speaker 2: second one was frankly more brutal. Where after my son 71 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,280 Speaker 2: had been doing nippers for a year or two and 72 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,920 Speaker 2: you know, had a love hate rate relationship with it, 73 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,080 Speaker 2: like a lot of kids, I think was like, all right, dad, 74 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,000 Speaker 2: I'll do it again, but you got to do it too, 75 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,360 Speaker 2: So get your bronze medallion and join me in the water. 76 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,760 Speaker 2: And you know, by this point i'd seen other parents 77 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,360 Speaker 2: in the water. You know, that part didn't seem that difficult. 78 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,440 Speaker 2: But like the idiot that I am previously with surfing, 79 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,120 Speaker 2: I don't really pay that much attention to what the 80 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,360 Speaker 2: details are. It turns out it's a time swim of 81 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 2: four hundred meters. Some other American I know who have 82 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,720 Speaker 2: done it somewhere else said, oh, it's not that bad, 83 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 2: you know, so you can do the breaststroke a little bit. 84 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,640 Speaker 2: The timing's not that much. And meanwhile I'm doing it 85 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,600 Speaker 2: in Bronti in this really intense dangerous speech with a 86 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,160 Speaker 2: bunch of surf club people who were very strict about 87 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:01,920 Speaker 2: such things. And so I dive in the pool thinking, 88 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,760 Speaker 2: you know, and this is the pool in Broncho, right, 89 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,200 Speaker 2: it's thirty meters, So I have to do I think 90 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,400 Speaker 2: fourteen laps, and literally by the second lap, I think 91 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,800 Speaker 2: I'm going to die. Like I realized that I've actually 92 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,840 Speaker 2: never tried to swim this far timed in my entire life, 93 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,479 Speaker 2: and so I don't know what I was thinking thinking 94 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:19,920 Speaker 2: this would work. My goal was just to finish. And 95 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,080 Speaker 2: so by the time I finished, you know, I think 96 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,960 Speaker 2: I needed to do it in eight forty five, and 97 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,280 Speaker 2: I did it in almost ten and a half minutes. 98 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 2: And you know, Kimberly, who I later in the book, 99 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,479 Speaker 2: as you see I've become friends with, you know, says 100 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,039 Speaker 2: tries to be encouraging and says, oh, well, your stroke 101 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 2: seems fine. It's just fitness. But here I am in 102 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,400 Speaker 2: this pool, failing in front of all these people who 103 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:42,920 Speaker 2: are in many cases older and seem to be less 104 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,800 Speaker 2: sipped and fit than me, but still do a better 105 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,520 Speaker 2: job and my son who came down to watch me 106 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,760 Speaker 2: seemingly succeed and join him with nippers, and I have 107 00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:53,479 Speaker 2: to leave as a failure and walk back home with 108 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,760 Speaker 2: him and deal with that. And you know, failure brings 109 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,320 Speaker 2: out good things, maybe in us as parents and sometimes 110 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:01,960 Speaker 2: in our kids too. Like he was kind and sympathetic 111 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,120 Speaker 2: and in some weird way seemed to bond with me 112 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,279 Speaker 2: and my failure. Instead of Dad being the one pushing 113 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:11,279 Speaker 2: him to go harder, he suddenly was the one trying 114 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:12,479 Speaker 2: to comfort me for failure. 115 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:15,920 Speaker 1: Parenting Like an Australian is a book that is not 116 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,720 Speaker 1: so much about parenting, but it's more about us at 117 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,840 Speaker 1: least that's the feeling that I've had as I've read 118 00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:23,640 Speaker 1: through the book. Yes, there's a lot about what Australians 119 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,360 Speaker 1: do with their kids that's different to what you might 120 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:29,599 Speaker 1: see in middle class America, especially places like New York, California. 121 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 1: But as I've been making my way through this book, 122 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:38,120 Speaker 1: I'm actually seeing a story about a dad who is, 123 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:43,520 Speaker 1: I guess, flailing and trying to figure out how to 124 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,880 Speaker 1: have a healthy relationship with risk. Can you tell me 125 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:50,080 Speaker 1: about why you decided to write a book about taking 126 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:55,320 Speaker 1: risks and how parents in Australia do it differently to 127 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,200 Speaker 1: what you're familiar with in North America. 128 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, sure, I mean I think my wife and I 129 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,920 Speaker 2: thought we kind of understood risk because you know, we'd 130 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:05,000 Speaker 2: covered wars, we'd covered hurricanes, and as journalists, we had 131 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:08,440 Speaker 2: experienced with risk in a professional setting. But as parents, 132 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:11,160 Speaker 2: you know, raising our kids in the United States and 133 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,039 Speaker 2: in Mexico for a bit, we were constantly struck by 134 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:17,279 Speaker 2: just how protective the culture was in the United States, 135 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:20,200 Speaker 2: you know, where anytime you got kids near water or 136 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,560 Speaker 2: a certain kind of plastic or a certain food, there 137 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,880 Speaker 2: were concerns as if it was just going to ruin 138 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:28,120 Speaker 2: their lives completely, and we didn't realize that we had 139 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 2: taken on some of those feelings. And so by the 140 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:33,800 Speaker 2: time we got to Australia, I was fascinated by the 141 00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:35,880 Speaker 2: way that Australians deal with nature and the risks of 142 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,839 Speaker 2: nature and these things that I didn't expect to be 143 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,240 Speaker 2: afraid of, like the ocean, but that I was for 144 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,240 Speaker 2: myself and for my kids. And what I guess it 145 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:47,480 Speaker 2: made me do was kind of try to clarify that 146 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:51,120 Speaker 2: experience of how risk works. Like I think I came 147 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,680 Speaker 2: in thinking, well, some people are risk takers and some 148 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,880 Speaker 2: are not. It's personality driven. But the deeper I got 149 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,680 Speaker 2: into it in part because of my experience in Australia 150 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:03,080 Speaker 2: and jarred by how scared I was. It made me 151 00:07:03,279 --> 00:07:06,400 Speaker 2: really study the science and really kind of discover that actually, 152 00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:09,520 Speaker 2: you know, risk is more malleable, that it's not just personality. 153 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 2: It's what we're taught, it's the culture we're around, it's 154 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,720 Speaker 2: the people that were around, it's how much of it 155 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,400 Speaker 2: we actually embrace and we can get better at it. 156 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,120 Speaker 2: And so that's the piece of it that I think 157 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:20,720 Speaker 2: was really what I found myself exploring. And you're right, 158 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,280 Speaker 2: I was flailing, and to me, part of it was 159 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,200 Speaker 2: trying to figure out why I was flailing when I 160 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,640 Speaker 2: had this impression of myself as being a risk taker, 161 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,680 Speaker 2: and yet there were certain kinds of at risk that 162 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 2: I was really bad at. And it wasn't just the 163 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 2: ocean in nature. It was social risks, you know, like 164 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 2: joining things and being part of something in a way 165 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,000 Speaker 2: that Australians just take for granted. And so that was 166 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 2: I guess what made me sort of explore this, and 167 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,120 Speaker 2: I think in the end, you're right. The book is 168 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,120 Speaker 2: in some ways about parenting, but it's really about parents 169 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,520 Speaker 2: and in the way that we as adults live our lives. 170 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,880 Speaker 2: Because one of the things I think is underestimated sometimes 171 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 2: in parenting and parenting books is it's not just about 172 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,400 Speaker 2: how we talk to our kids. It's what we do 173 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,560 Speaker 2: when we're around our kids. It's what we do with 174 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,120 Speaker 2: our kids. And they learn a lot more from kind 175 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 2: of watching us and being with us than they do 176 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,800 Speaker 2: from us lecturing that. And I think that's sort of 177 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,680 Speaker 2: what Australia and Australian life helped teach me, is that 178 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,760 Speaker 2: participating and being active and engaged as a parent and 179 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,760 Speaker 2: living your best life as a father in some ways 180 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 2: can help you be a better that. 181 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,640 Speaker 1: One of the great things about reading a book by 182 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,760 Speaker 1: somebody who is a New York Times correspondent and bureau 183 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:31,000 Speaker 1: chief is the writing is fantastic. In the introduction, we're 184 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:32,680 Speaker 1: not even on a page number yet we're still in 185 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,720 Speaker 1: the Roman numerals to the introduction you write. In so 186 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: much of Western culture, we've drifted into a cycle of 187 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:43,440 Speaker 1: self centered self protection. We seek physical comfort and total 188 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 1: psychological security. We have prioritized attention, feelings and speech. Not 189 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:52,559 Speaker 1: good conduct. Our phones and algorithms promise connection but serve 190 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,959 Speaker 1: up isolation. Every day. We choose convenience over uncertainty, overvaluing pleasure, 191 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:03,040 Speaker 1: and ignoring what being challenged has to teach. I love 192 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,600 Speaker 1: the way that you're right, But I'd love to ask you, 193 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:09,440 Speaker 1: as you've been in Australia for Networks six years or thereabouts, 194 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:15,600 Speaker 1: have you seen the Australian way of parenting drifting towards 195 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,440 Speaker 1: the American way of parenting? Do you think that we're 196 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 1: becoming increasingly oriented towards self protection and comfort and safety. 197 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,680 Speaker 1: Are we adopting the safety ism that's so prevalent and 198 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,400 Speaker 1: so dominant in your home country? 199 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,240 Speaker 2: You know, I do think so. I've seen it kind 200 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,000 Speaker 2: of over the time that I've been here, and part 201 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 2: of the reason I've felt compelled to write the book 202 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,800 Speaker 2: is because I didn't want Australia to go too far 203 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,360 Speaker 2: down that road, and I wanted Australians to sort of, 204 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,640 Speaker 2: maybe with the little help from an outsider perspective, really 205 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:47,000 Speaker 2: grab onto the things that I think make the place special. 206 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:49,760 Speaker 2: I think I think as a country becomes wealthier, and 207 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,400 Speaker 2: there's plenty of evidence to suggest that this is the case, 208 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,480 Speaker 2: beyond just my opinions that are surveys and data around this. 209 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 2: But as countries become more comfortable, they become more risk 210 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,800 Speaker 2: averse that you know, as parents, we choose use things 211 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,360 Speaker 2: that are safer. So we know that in Australia fewer 212 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,840 Speaker 2: kids are walking to school now than they did, you know, 213 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,000 Speaker 2: ten or twenty years ago, but compared to the United States, 214 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,360 Speaker 2: there are still more kids walking to the school here 215 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,440 Speaker 2: than there are in the US, And so that in 216 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,840 Speaker 2: some ways, the way I think I described it at 217 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,840 Speaker 2: some point in the book is you know, it's happening 218 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,880 Speaker 2: in Australia, but it's not quite a terminal illness like 219 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,400 Speaker 2: it is in the United States. Both risk and connection 220 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,040 Speaker 2: and human connection, I think Austrians, you know, as we 221 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,320 Speaker 2: all retreat into our phones and as our digital lives 222 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,080 Speaker 2: become richer, it's harder and harder to push ourselves and 223 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,720 Speaker 2: our kids out into that in real life experience. But 224 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,760 Speaker 2: I do still think that Australians have not crossed the rootbicon. 225 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,560 Speaker 2: They haven't gotten to that point yet where it's very 226 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:42,080 Speaker 2: very hard to pull themselves back, whereas in a lot 227 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:43,880 Speaker 2: of parts of the US I think they have. And 228 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,959 Speaker 2: so you know that I think is the challenge that 229 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,360 Speaker 2: maybe it's a bit of a wake up call for 230 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,080 Speaker 2: Australians to say, hey, you know, keep sending your kids 231 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,600 Speaker 2: to bush camp, make them put their phones down, you know, 232 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,200 Speaker 2: make them find a way to get out in the 233 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 2: world and talk to their friends and not just retreat 234 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,760 Speaker 2: to their screens. Because it's a better world that way. 235 00:10:58,800 --> 00:10:59,600 Speaker 2: It honestly is. 236 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,080 Speaker 1: On page seventy. You quite a study in twenty twenty 237 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,280 Speaker 1: one study one hundred and eighty five parents. You say 238 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,800 Speaker 1: a majority of mothers and fathers said they believe that 239 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:11,760 Speaker 1: teaching that children the world was dangerous would keep them safe. 240 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,560 Speaker 1: Can you just talk a little bit about that. 241 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, this is sort of one of a 242 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:21,120 Speaker 2: bunch of different studies that I found that are somewhat counterintuitive. Right, 243 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,080 Speaker 2: you think the natural urge and what's best for our 244 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 2: kids is to say, hey, you need to be careful 245 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,120 Speaker 2: out there. The world is a scary place. But what 246 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 2: that often does is make them more nervous and more anxious, 247 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:33,840 Speaker 2: and actually optimism and a sense of hey, it's going 248 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 2: to be okay is in some ways healthier for our kids. 249 00:11:37,559 --> 00:11:39,680 Speaker 2: Because you know, even if you look at the probability. 250 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,200 Speaker 2: Most of the time, that's how it's going to be. 251 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,200 Speaker 2: It's going to turn out okay. And in some ways 252 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,520 Speaker 2: there are some cultures that maybe do a better job 253 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:47,920 Speaker 2: with this. I think Australia is one of them, but 254 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,080 Speaker 2: it's not just Australia. There was this interesting study that 255 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:54,200 Speaker 2: I found from Scandinavia that showed that kids who climb 256 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:58,199 Speaker 2: trees and suffer injuries, even broken arms, are less likely 257 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:01,360 Speaker 2: to be afraid of heights as they become adults. And 258 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,080 Speaker 2: so if you think about it, it is actually somewhat 259 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,920 Speaker 2: logical if you expose yourself to things that are frightening, 260 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,240 Speaker 2: if you expose yourself to the dangerous world, and then 261 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,120 Speaker 2: overcome whatever that challenge is and heal for whatever injury 262 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,680 Speaker 2: you've had or don't get injured, which is usually the case, 263 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:19,439 Speaker 2: then naturally you have more confidence and more optimism about life, 264 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,720 Speaker 2: and you're probably going to embrace more challenges. And so, 265 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,600 Speaker 2: you know, this is one of the things that the 266 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:27,679 Speaker 2: psychological research really really shows that kind of goes against 267 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,960 Speaker 2: that natural parental urge. And so you know, sometimes as 268 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,240 Speaker 2: one you know, expert I talked to you said, listen, 269 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,760 Speaker 2: if you don't have enough risk in your life. You 270 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 2: actually need to go look for it, you know, like 271 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,800 Speaker 2: for you and your kids. And you can't tell your 272 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,440 Speaker 2: kids to try to avoid risk all the time because 273 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,760 Speaker 2: it's not possible. It's an impossibility, and so you've got 274 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,200 Speaker 2: to figure out some way to confront it as adults 275 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,040 Speaker 2: and with your kids. 276 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,600 Speaker 1: So I'm even having a thought as you describe that, 277 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:55,520 Speaker 1: and I'm thinking, we've got this idea even using the 278 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 1: word risk. I don't know if it's because of our 279 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,640 Speaker 1: history of insurance claims or the fact that there is 280 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,240 Speaker 1: so much that can go wrong, but we've got this 281 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,120 Speaker 1: idea that risk is bad. My sense is that risk 282 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,320 Speaker 1: is generally actually really healthy and it's essential to thrive. 283 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,439 Speaker 1: Like there's a risk when you invite somebody on a date. 284 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:16,600 Speaker 1: There's a risk, when you try a new food. There's 285 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,040 Speaker 1: risk when you sign up for the musical and try 286 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,760 Speaker 1: to get a part in the musical at school, or 287 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,920 Speaker 1: when you run the cross country and decide that you're 288 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:26,280 Speaker 1: going to run hard because you want to you're on 289 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,960 Speaker 1: a place and move on to the next level. To me, 290 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:32,240 Speaker 1: it seems like we want to we need to be 291 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,040 Speaker 1: encouraging our children to take risks. 292 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,280 Speaker 2: Exactly. That's exactly. A risk is inevitable. It's like oxygen. 293 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,680 Speaker 2: You can't try to get away from it. You have 294 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,600 Speaker 2: to figure out, you know, how to breathe it in 295 00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:43,000 Speaker 2: and digest it and make the most of it. And 296 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:45,560 Speaker 2: so you know what's interesting too in the research is 297 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 2: the people who are really experts in this, if you 298 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,800 Speaker 2: think of EMTs or soldiers, that the ability to deal 299 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,719 Speaker 2: with risk in one environment and do it well can 300 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,440 Speaker 2: actually be transferred to other parts of life. Right, So 301 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,560 Speaker 2: if you're really good at dealing with the stressful risk situation, 302 00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:03,240 Speaker 2: say you're a paratrooper, and there's a study that shows this, 303 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,800 Speaker 2: then when you take a test after that parachute trump 304 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 2: which is another say stressful environment, but maybe it's about 305 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,040 Speaker 2: English and literature and not paratrooping, you're more likely to 306 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 2: do well on that test. And so the way that 307 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,679 Speaker 2: we deal with risk actually has long term benefits, not 308 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 2: just in the environment in which we take the risk, 309 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,640 Speaker 2: but also in the way we deal with life. And 310 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:25,400 Speaker 2: so you're right, learning how to deal with maybe saving 311 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,760 Speaker 2: a life on a beach might not seem the same 312 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,040 Speaker 2: as how to deal with a date and distressful distress 313 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,680 Speaker 2: that comes with that, but in a lot of ways 314 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,480 Speaker 2: that it actually is transferable, something in our minds that 315 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,760 Speaker 2: actually learns how to manage moderate stress and risk and 316 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,280 Speaker 2: danger and one in their arena and then we get 317 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 2: better at it in others. Yeah. 318 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 1: In the book Parenting Like an Australian One Family's Quest 319 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: to fight fear and dive into a better braver life, 320 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,680 Speaker 1: Damian Cave, you talk to Martin Siligman, one of the 321 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,640 Speaker 1: world's leading experts in psychology. He's one of the most 322 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 1: cited psychology professes in the history of the world. He's 323 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:01,920 Speaker 1: obviously extremely well renowned, and he makes the case both 324 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,080 Speaker 1: in conversation with you as you put it into I 325 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,000 Speaker 1: think it's chapter two of the book, but also in 326 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,040 Speaker 1: his own books. He makes the case that we feel 327 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,800 Speaker 1: more confident, which is kind of what you're describing here. 328 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,440 Speaker 1: We feel more confident as we build our competence. The 329 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,760 Speaker 1: only way we can build our competence is to push 330 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,200 Speaker 1: the boundaries of what feels safe, like we have to 331 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,840 Speaker 1: step into a risk environment one way or another so 332 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:30,000 Speaker 1: that we can expand our competence and therefore become more confident. 333 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,880 Speaker 2: I mean, Marty's wonderful and he's such a thoughtful, kind guy. 334 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,440 Speaker 2: I mean, he's this, you know, super renowned guy who 335 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:36,640 Speaker 2: you get him on the phone and the first thing 336 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:37,920 Speaker 2: he wants to do is ask you a bunch of 337 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,680 Speaker 2: questions about yourself. And so I always appreciate people who 338 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,600 Speaker 2: have that capacity. But you know, I think one of 339 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,520 Speaker 2: the things that he really opened my eyes to is 340 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,840 Speaker 2: this sort of reversal of sort of how I always 341 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:50,800 Speaker 2: raised as a kid, which is that and to some 342 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 2: degree I think in this generation too, where it's if 343 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,080 Speaker 2: you say nice things, if you build up someone's self 344 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,320 Speaker 2: esteem with words, if you say, hey, you're really great 345 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,920 Speaker 2: at this, then that gives you the ability to try 346 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:03,240 Speaker 2: become competent in the activity that you want to seek 347 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,560 Speaker 2: master in. But as he argues, it's the opposite. You 348 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,280 Speaker 2: actually have to push yourself into that activity even if 349 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:11,760 Speaker 2: you don't feel confident, and learn how to do it 350 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,080 Speaker 2: and get better at it and fail and try again 351 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:18,040 Speaker 2: and see some improvement, and then then you start to 352 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:20,720 Speaker 2: feel confident enough to say hey, I'm good at this, 353 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,720 Speaker 2: and that that lasts longer in a lot of ways. 354 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,960 Speaker 2: I mean, for me, Australia was a place that I 355 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,480 Speaker 2: had to learn this through this world that I read 356 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,800 Speaker 2: about a lot in the book, which is proficiency, right, 357 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:33,120 Speaker 2: and so you know, I argue that Americans often seek perfection. 358 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:36,480 Speaker 2: In Australians seek proficiency, which is really to be skilled 359 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,680 Speaker 2: at something. Being skilled to something isn't the same as 360 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,120 Speaker 2: being perfect at it. And in order to do that, 361 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,480 Speaker 2: you need to just advance. You just need to keep 362 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,440 Speaker 2: going and keep getting better at it. And I think 363 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,720 Speaker 2: that's kind of the point that Marty and many others 364 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,160 Speaker 2: have been trying to make for a lot of years, 365 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,240 Speaker 2: and that some parts of Australian culture just kind of 366 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:51,760 Speaker 2: naturally do. 367 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,640 Speaker 1: I love the blistering critique that you have of the 368 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,560 Speaker 1: self esteem movement and why it has not been a 369 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,920 Speaker 1: net positive for humanity, especially for or for parents who 370 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,040 Speaker 1: are trying to raise children who feel good about themselves. 371 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,240 Speaker 1: This idea that if I make you feel good, then 372 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:07,800 Speaker 1: you'll do hard things. It doesn't work that way. It's 373 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 1: the other way around. If you do hard things, you'll 374 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,680 Speaker 1: feel good about yourself. When you came to Australia, you 375 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,960 Speaker 1: signed up for nippers, you signed up for surf classes. 376 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,520 Speaker 1: You began to move your body, run along the beach, 377 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,600 Speaker 1: dive into the pool and try to swim that four 378 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:25,040 Speaker 1: hundred meters fast enough. I don't want to drop any 379 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,000 Speaker 1: spoilers in so I'm not going to ask you whether 380 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:29,440 Speaker 1: or not you finally got the four hundred meters under 381 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,159 Speaker 1: the eight minutes forty five and whether you've got your 382 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 1: bronze medallion. But I do want to ask you this, 383 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 1: Now that you've been here for six years and you 384 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,640 Speaker 1: are accustomed to the way that Australians do what they do. 385 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,440 Speaker 1: What risks are you taking over and above the ones 386 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,080 Speaker 1: that you've written about in the book. What are you 387 00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:49,360 Speaker 1: doing to encourage a mindset that embraces challenge in your children? 388 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:53,000 Speaker 1: How have you extended this beyond nippers and bronze medallions. 389 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,400 Speaker 2: That's a good question. I mean, I think now that 390 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:59,440 Speaker 2: the pandemic has finally lifted, we're traveling quite a bit 391 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:03,320 Speaker 2: more as family than we did previously. And so you know, 392 00:18:03,359 --> 00:18:07,120 Speaker 2: we found ourselves in Japan skiing in January. My kids 393 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:10,800 Speaker 2: is skied once before in the total blizzard, and so 394 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,879 Speaker 2: that was one thing. We just recently finished a long 395 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,840 Speaker 2: road trip in Western Australia in a van, something that 396 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,320 Speaker 2: we had hoped to do in twenty twenty, and we're 397 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,679 Speaker 2: finally able to do, and as luck would have it, 398 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,720 Speaker 2: there was a giant cyclone bearing down on us as 399 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,840 Speaker 2: we were driving. So, you know, trying to manage risk, 400 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,560 Speaker 2: figuring out when to go on the water and when 401 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,639 Speaker 2: not do well in the middle of a remote area 402 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,239 Speaker 2: was another thing. And so I think part of it 403 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:33,880 Speaker 2: is we're trying to sort of push ourselves back out 404 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,919 Speaker 2: into the world. Is one way that we're trying to 405 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:39,840 Speaker 2: kind of continue that culture risk. And I also think frankly, 406 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:43,800 Speaker 2: after the pandemic, we all had to kind of reacclimate 407 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:47,800 Speaker 2: to the idea of risk in various ways. And so, 408 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,280 Speaker 2: you know, one thing that I said to my kids 409 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,920 Speaker 2: at some point, you know, maybe last year, was listen, 410 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,000 Speaker 2: this this year, this is the year of yes. So 411 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,159 Speaker 2: whenever something comes up that you're not sure of, instead 412 00:18:58,160 --> 00:18:59,560 Speaker 2: of thinking no, I'm not going to do it, I'm 413 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,399 Speaker 2: nervous it, let's just immediately try to say yes and 414 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,760 Speaker 2: then see where it goes. And so that's something that 415 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,320 Speaker 2: I think we're trying to do as a family, and 416 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:10,120 Speaker 2: hopefully we'll continue with it and we'll see beyond that. 417 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,720 Speaker 2: You know, each my kids are doing different activities, different 418 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,560 Speaker 2: things they feel uncomfortable with I'm about to throw my 419 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:17,760 Speaker 2: kids into a sculpture class that they're a little bit 420 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:21,439 Speaker 2: resistant to. And my wife and I are continuing to 421 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,080 Speaker 2: do the same things too. I mean, we're trying to 422 00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:26,160 Speaker 2: push ourselves, you know, and surfing into bigger waves, and 423 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:29,080 Speaker 2: you know, we're talking about where to spend time and 424 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,480 Speaker 2: how much difficult travel we want to do in the 425 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:32,199 Speaker 2: next year or two. 426 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,880 Speaker 1: I love that as a as a keen surfer somebody's 427 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,560 Speaker 1: been surfing since my team years. I just relished your 428 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,359 Speaker 1: experiences at the beach and hearing about the way that 429 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,200 Speaker 1: you embraced what Australian life can be. It was delightful 430 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,119 Speaker 1: to read and it's also inspired me to have a 431 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,640 Speaker 1: long conversation with my kids about how we can take 432 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,800 Speaker 1: more risks and be more adventurous, maybe even on a 433 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,159 Speaker 1: weekly basis. What can we do that's a little bit 434 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,879 Speaker 1: scary a little more often. The book is called Parenting 435 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,080 Speaker 1: Like an Australian One family's quest to fight fear and 436 00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:02,040 Speaker 1: dive into a better, braver life. It's got a whole 437 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,359 Speaker 1: lot of science, a whole lot of memoir, and a 438 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:08,199 Speaker 1: whole lot of delightful narrative that will keep any reader 439 00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:10,960 Speaker 1: completely absorbed. Damien Cave, thanks so much for joining me 440 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:11,640 Speaker 1: on the podcast. 441 00:20:12,359 --> 00:20:13,439 Speaker 2: Thank you very much for having me. 442 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,680 Speaker 1: The Happy Family Podcast is produced by Justin Ruland for 443 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:19,160 Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more 444 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,040 Speaker 1: information about the book, you can check out our show 445 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,320 Speaker 1: notes the book again Parenting Like an Australian. One Family's 446 00:20:24,359 --> 00:20:26,200 Speaker 1: quest to fight Fear and dive into a better, braver 447 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,399 Speaker 1: life by Damien Cave. And For more about making your 448 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,719 Speaker 1: family happy, please check out happy families dot com dot 449 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,680 Speaker 1: u or our Facebook page doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families