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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I know

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Speaker 1: that I shouldn't sound surprised as the guy who writes

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Speaker 1: the books to say that it's really nice to stop

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Speaker 1: what you're doing and spend time with the kids. But

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Speaker 1: sometimes you actually need that reminder.

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Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom

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Speaker 2: and dad.

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Speaker 1: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coleson, the founder of Happy

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Speaker 1: Families dot Com. I had it when you look at me.

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Speaker 1: I'm just in trouble. We're about to record I'll Do

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Speaker 1: Better Tomorrow for our Friday podcast. I'll Do Better Tomorrow

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Speaker 1: is where we look back on the week that was.

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Speaker 1: We reflect on the time that we've had with the kids,

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Speaker 1: what worked, what didn't, what's been special, what hasn't? How

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Speaker 1: can be better parents? And I've just said to Kylie,

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Speaker 1: what are you going to talk about? What should I

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Speaker 1: talk about? Now? I'm in trouble because I'm the parenting expert.

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Speaker 1: I should have lots of things to talk about with

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Speaker 1: my time with my kids because I'm so good at it.

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Speaker 2: Right well, I already haven't had enough time thinking of

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Speaker 2: my home story, let alone thinking of one for you too.

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Speaker 1: We actually do. We spend time with our children and

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Speaker 1: we love it. But this is tricky. I had a

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Speaker 1: parenting insight the other day that I want to share,

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Speaker 1: though before I dive into I'll do better tomorrow. I

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Speaker 1: was playing the piano and I realized, playing the piano

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Speaker 1: is like parenting. Do you want to know? How are

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Speaker 1: you going to tell me? Well?

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Speaker 2: If you ask, would you like to tell me how

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Speaker 2: parenting is like a piano?

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Speaker 1: Well, honey, I'm so glad that you asked, Thank you

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Speaker 1: so very much. When you're playing the piano, you play

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Speaker 1: with your right hand. You play with your left hand,

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Speaker 1: And when you're practicing and learning a piece, you learn

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Speaker 1: one hand at a.

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Speaker 2: Time, and it sounds terrible.

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Speaker 1: Well, sometimes sometimes the melody or the bass or whatever

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Speaker 1: is beautiful as well in and of itself.

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Speaker 2: Not when you're learning to play.

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Speaker 1: Well, that's true. Learning is hard, and learning means making

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Speaker 1: lots of mistakes. But once you get that right hand

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Speaker 1: and you start to try to bring the left hand in,

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Speaker 1: it's really tricky. It's easy to play the left hand,

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Speaker 1: easy to play the right hand, but it's hard to

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Speaker 1: play them both together.

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Speaker 2: So it's easy to tell someone else to hit parent,

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Speaker 2: But when you actually have to do it yourself, it's

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Speaker 2: like putting the two hands together.

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Speaker 1: I feel like you're sort of throwing some barbs my way.

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Speaker 1: That's a really nice and now, but no, that's not

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Speaker 1: what I was going to say. What I was going

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Speaker 1: to say is parenting kids. Look, we're the right hand

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Speaker 1: as a parent. Okay, so we know what our right

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Speaker 1: hand is supposed to be doing. We know we're supposed

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Speaker 1: to be self aware, we're supposed to be patient, forgiving,

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Speaker 1: We're supposed to ask questions, guide our children, do all

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Speaker 1: that sort of stuff. We can do all of that

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Speaker 1: when we're not with the kids. We can talk about

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Speaker 1: it all the time when we're not with the kids.

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Speaker 1: But the kids are the left hand. The kids are

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Speaker 1: the craziness and the chaos and the eruptions and the

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Speaker 1: difficulties and the learning challenges and the diagnoses, And the

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Speaker 1: kids are all the stuff that's happening with the left hand.

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Speaker 1: And they actually do okay quite often when they're on

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Speaker 1: their own. But when we come together, when we bring

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Speaker 1: our stuff to their stuff, it's really hard to play

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Speaker 1: our piece perfectly. Do you like that? It takes a

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Speaker 1: whole lot of practice to be able to bring the

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Speaker 1: left hand on the right hand together and make our

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Speaker 1: family function harmoniously awesome. I thought, how did you do that?

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Speaker 2: This week?

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Speaker 1: I thought that was really you don't like it? I

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Speaker 1: thought that was great.

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Speaker 2: No, it was kind of what I was saying, just

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Speaker 2: you took it the wrong way. Oh, before you have

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Speaker 2: children and you kind of have all the answers and yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's so easy to tell everybody else how to do it.

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Speaker 2: And then children come along, the left hand comes along,

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Speaker 2: and all of a sudden, all of that advice and

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Speaker 2: you know, instant knowledge you thought you had about how

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Speaker 2: it was all gonna work goes out the window because

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Speaker 2: the two of you just don't are not harmonious.

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Speaker 1: So for auto better tomorrow. For those of you who

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Speaker 1: are new to the Happy Famili's podcast, Oh, I haven't

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Speaker 1: even mentioned. I'm justin your Kylie. We're the Happy Families.

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Speaker 1: Maybe your Fred today, Wilma. So I'm a faner of

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Speaker 1: Happy Families dot com. Do I you? We've got six kids.

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Speaker 1: I've written. Well, my seventh book is coming out. It's

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Speaker 1: on its way to me. I'm going to have it

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Speaker 1: in my hot little hand in I think two weeks time.

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Speaker 1: I was going to say, I'll be able to hold

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Speaker 1: up the screen for all of our podcast listeners, but.

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Speaker 2: Well, you know, going to help podcasting, Will does have filters.

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Speaker 2: They did use a Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I loved how Jay I did that earlier in the week.

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Speaker 2: When we were talking about you don't have a camera.

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Speaker 1: Okay, let's let's focus on parenting. The purpose of our

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Speaker 1: Friday podcast is I'll do better tomorrow. What did we

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Speaker 1: do well? What didn't we do well? How can we

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Speaker 1: become better parents? Should I go first? Since I've clearly

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Speaker 1: got a whole lot less to say than you this week,

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Speaker 1: go for it. I work a lot, and it's really

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Speaker 1: hard to find time. But I feel like I've nailed

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Speaker 1: a couple of things. The first thing is really simple.

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Speaker 1: The other day I decided to work from home rather

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Speaker 1: than here in the office, and I'm sitting on the couch. Emily,

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Speaker 1: our eight year old, has come home from school. It's

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Speaker 1: like three thirty five or something like that. I normally

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Speaker 1: knock off if I can at four o'clock, but we'd

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Speaker 1: had a lot of interruptions that day. I'd had a

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Speaker 1: couple of meetings. I'm sitting on the couch. I'm typing away.

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to finish this really awesome article that I've

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Speaker 1: been working on for a few days, and I'm so

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Speaker 1: excited to almost be finished. And Emily starts talking to me.

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Speaker 1: We've got a little set of Bondo drums. She wants

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Speaker 1: me to teach you how to play the Bono drums.

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Speaker 1: She wants to tell me about Pokemon. She wants to

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Speaker 1: look at my phone. She wants to watch your documentary.

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Speaker 1: She wants a hot chocolate. She wants to go scooter

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Speaker 1: riding with me, even though it's raining. She wants to

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Speaker 1: show me the great big bruise on her knee from

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Speaker 1: where she fell off the scooter the other day. And

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Speaker 1: after a hour, it was.

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Speaker 2: Like every eight year old you've ever met, I.

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Speaker 1: Know, after about forty five minutes of trying to it

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Speaker 1: took me forty five minutes to figure this out. But

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Speaker 1: after forty five minutes of really trying so hard to

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Speaker 1: get this article written because I was so close to

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Speaker 1: being finished, and after gently encouraging her to go and

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Speaker 1: play with the neighbors, or go and do something in

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Speaker 1: a room, or go on whatever, it occurred to me

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Speaker 1: that hate parenting expert, it's not working. Your child needs

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Speaker 1: some attention. So I closed up the computer. I spent

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Speaker 1: some time with her and it was just so nice,

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Speaker 1: like it was really really awesome. I loved it, and

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Speaker 1: so I as a result of stopping what I'm doing

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Speaker 1: and spending time with our children. On Wednesday afternoon, one

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Speaker 1: of the kids gave me a call on the way

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Speaker 1: home from school and said, hey, Dad, want to go surfing?

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Speaker 1: And I said, you beat. So I packed up on

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Speaker 1: time and we went surfing and it was great. I mean,

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Speaker 1: the water was cold, the air was cold. It's the

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Speaker 1: middle of winter. It's silly to be in the water, really,

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Speaker 1: but she's loving surfing. She's motivated and eager to do it,

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Speaker 1: and she wants to spend time with her dad. So

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Speaker 1: we did and it was awesome. Oh and I've got

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Speaker 1: one more do you tell last Friday night after hour

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Speaker 1: I'll do better tomorrow episode, our daughter has got a

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Speaker 1: gig at the local fish and chip shop playing the

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Speaker 1: guitar on a Friday night, And so I went down

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Speaker 1: and with you were you and I sat in the

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Speaker 1: freezing cold, thirteen degree outdoor area and we listened to

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Speaker 1: our daughter play the guitar, and she couldn't get her

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Speaker 1: amp working, and the microphone wouldn't work. And it was

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Speaker 1: absolutely awesome in spite of all of it. And she

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Speaker 1: got paid for playing the guitar. She's living the dream.

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Speaker 1: She's now a professional muso.

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Speaker 2: Her first paid busking job.

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Speaker 1: But I mean, I felt like I was just dadding right,

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Speaker 1: because that afternoon, she didn't have everything she needed to

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Speaker 1: be able to go down with the with all of

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Speaker 1: the equipment and set it all up. She needed a

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Speaker 1: microphone stand and a microphone, and she needed a music

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Speaker 1: stand and who knows what else. And so I'm running

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Speaker 1: around to the music store with her and we're buying this,

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Speaker 1: and we're buying that, and we're getting it all set

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Speaker 1: up so that she can go and create this life

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Speaker 1: for herself.

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Speaker 2: And you're not a very good techie.

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Speaker 1: I'd be the worst roadie in the world. That we

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Speaker 1: couldn't get sound, we couldn't make anything work. I just

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Speaker 1: told her to sing loud, and so she sang with

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Speaker 1: the microphone meter away from her mouth, and everyone's probably

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Speaker 1: thinking she just moved the microphone closer to work, but

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Speaker 1: it wasn't working, so she just moved it away.

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Speaker 2: But what I love about this community that we find

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Speaker 2: ourselves in now is it's just such a warm, inviting

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Speaker 2: and supportive space for her to be. And people sat

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Speaker 2: and they ate their dinner, and they clapped and they

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Speaker 2: tipped her, and yeah, in spite of the fact that

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Speaker 2: her mic wasn't working, and I just loved it.

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Speaker 1: But my take home message about all this parenting stuff

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Speaker 1: is sometimes you just got a down tools and spend

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Speaker 1: time with the kids, and when you do, it's actually great.

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Speaker 1: It's really really I mean, I know that I shouldn't

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Speaker 1: sound surprised as the guy who writes the books to

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Speaker 1: say that it's really nice to stop what you're doing

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Speaker 1: and spend time with the kids, but sometimes you actually

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Speaker 1: need that reminder. And they were just three instances this

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Speaker 1: week where I've really intentionally dived in. Sometimes it's required

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Speaker 1: a little bit of extra coercion from the kids, but

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Speaker 1: getting there and making it happen has been awesome. So

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Speaker 1: that's my old do better tomorrow and missus happy families

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Speaker 1: can't wait to hear yours next. Family life is pretty

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Speaker 1: tough going. Sometimes most days are a struggle between strong

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Speaker 1: willed children and frazzled parents, but it can be better.

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Speaker 1: The twenty one Days to a Happier Family program is

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Speaker 1: designed for busy parents who want a calmer, happier family,

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Speaker 1: and it can be done with evidence based strategies and

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Speaker 1: practices that really work in twenty one days. All resources

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Speaker 1: are available for your family for twenty one Days to

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Speaker 1: a Happier Family at happy families dot com dot au.

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I can't believe

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Speaker 1: you're just storm a line. Well, you were just not

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Speaker 1: really getting ready to dive in and say anything, So

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Speaker 1: I figured i'd want to grace you.

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Speaker 2: Know.

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Speaker 1: What was your I'll do better tomorrow? What have you

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Speaker 1: learned about parenting? Did you have a win a little.

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Speaker 2: On this podcast and you took my one line, You've

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Speaker 2: got the next?

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Speaker 1: However many minutes it's your story.

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Speaker 2: Well, I've got a couple of stories.

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Speaker 1: Oh really, take your taking a leaf out of my book?

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Speaker 2: Maybe? Yeah? Okay, Well, I thought I might just share

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Speaker 2: this one because we've done a couple of podcasts lately

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Speaker 2: on school refusal and it has been a really big

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Speaker 2: challenge in our home.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we've got a couple of kids one in particular

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Speaker 1: who's hardcore.

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Speaker 2: And day one of term three, which was this this

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Speaker 2: week on Monday, was just a disaster.

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Speaker 1: And I was in Melbourne, so I couldn't be here

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Speaker 1: to help you. Here I am the parenting expert. Have

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Speaker 1: fun making our family happy, honey, I've got to go

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Speaker 1: and help other people have happy families themselves.

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Speaker 2: So I did all of the right things, all of

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Speaker 2: the things that we've suggested. I just made sure that

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Speaker 2: everything was prepped. The night before it was ready to go.

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Speaker 2: We had a really, really cruisy, stress free morning. She

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Speaker 2: got to have a bath and washed her hair and

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Speaker 2: just you know, soak it up. That nice relaxation she

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Speaker 2: had breakfast. But when it came time to go to school,

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Speaker 2: we just did not want to go to school. She

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Speaker 2: wouldn't get dressed. It's freezing right now, it's like ten

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Speaker 2: degrees in the morning, and she's walking around with wet

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Speaker 2: hair and a towel wrapped around her and won't let

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Speaker 2: me dress her. So in the end I literally had

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Speaker 2: to pick her up, and while I did it very gently,

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Speaker 2: she kicked and screamed and did everything she could to

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Speaker 2: make it absolutely impossible to get a clothes on and

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Speaker 2: By the time we got to school, I was a wreck.

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Speaker 2: I was an emotional wreck. I felt like the worst

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Speaker 2: parent in the world because my child was so distressed

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Speaker 2: about having to go to school, and it just felt awful.

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Speaker 2: So I made a beeline for the counselor's office and

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Speaker 2: I know that for the students, but I sat down

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Speaker 2: on the couch and I had a big cry with her.

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Speaker 2: She just made me feel so much better about what

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Speaker 2: was going on, and she gave me this little analogy

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Speaker 2: and I don't know if it all help, but just

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Speaker 2: the idea that as a parent, I'm like the school

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Speaker 2: bus driver, and my job is to get my child

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Speaker 2: to school, and then working with the teachers, they then

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Speaker 2: take care of her and you know, kind of help

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Speaker 2: her throughout the next part of her day. Every afternoon,

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Speaker 2: no matter how hard it is to get her to school,

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Speaker 2: I pick her up and she's got the biggest smile

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Speaker 2: on her face and she's had the best day. So

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Speaker 2: I know that once she's there, she's fine and she's

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Speaker 2: doing great things. But just that process of getting her

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Speaker 2: there is so traumatic for both of us. At times,

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Speaker 2: it feels I just feel awful, and so I was really,

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Speaker 2: really grateful for just, you know, having another adult listening

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Speaker 2: ear to kind of remind me that it's okay, and

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Speaker 2: then to see her face at the end of the day.

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Speaker 2: And what it actually happened was they.

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Speaker 1: Started bead club yep, yep.

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Speaker 2: For term three, and so she went and made some

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Speaker 2: beads and she was so excited to come home and

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Speaker 2: show me what she'd done. And so the next day

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Speaker 2: when we went off to school, I said, I wonder

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Speaker 2: what club's going to be on today. She said, I

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Speaker 2: don't know, but I'm going to find out.

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Speaker 1: And just these.

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Speaker 2: Little moments where you get to kind of give them

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Speaker 2: an opportunity to look forward to something makes a big difference.

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Speaker 2: We've still had a bit of a choppy week. It

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Speaker 2: hasn't been perfect, but us that reminder that if we

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Speaker 2: work together as a team school and home, then the process,

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Speaker 2: hopefully over time, is going to get a bit easier.

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Speaker 1: So the critical thing here, though, is while we're encouraging

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Speaker 1: our children to push through it, because the avoidance does

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Speaker 1: reinforce anxiety. If the anxiety was longlasting, if it continued

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Speaker 1: throughout the day, if we had tears all through the day,

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Speaker 1: and there were tears when she came home, then we

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Speaker 1: would really have to reevaluate our position on this. But

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Speaker 1: right now, once she's there, it's fine. It's just getting

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Speaker 1: it there. It's kind of like the three year old

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Speaker 1: at preschool or KINDI or whatever it is. It's the

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Speaker 1: same kind of thing. If you can get them there

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Speaker 1: and they're happy, they're settl they're well adjusted, they're doing

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Speaker 1: all the stuff that's supposed to happen, and it's not

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Speaker 1: like it's breaking them. It's not like we're crushing their

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Speaker 1: soul to do it, then it is actually worth pushing through. If,

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Speaker 1: on the other hand, there's ongoing distress, the child's feeling

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Speaker 1: traumatized and it keeps going, that's when you step back

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Speaker 1: and say, all right, we need to reassess. So that's great,

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Speaker 1: and I love the fact that the school is finding

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Speaker 1: different ways to engage and activate the kids, especially the

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Speaker 1: ones that don't want to be there, with things like

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Speaker 1: club and be club and who knows what I mean

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Speaker 1: if they had a Pokemon club. Can you imagine anyway?

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Speaker 1: You said, I had a couple.

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Speaker 2: Weeks, Okay, well, the next one I had a conversation

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Speaker 2: with one of our daughters and we were just kind

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Speaker 2: of having a bit of a heart to heart, and

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Speaker 2: as part of that conversation, I acknowledged that I don't

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Speaker 2: always get it right as a mum, and I recognize

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Speaker 2: that there are definitely times with her, specifically, where I

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Speaker 2: get it wrong. And I asked her if there was

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Speaker 2: anything that if I could do one thing differently, what

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Speaker 2: would it be, what would make you know, the biggest

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Speaker 2: difference in her world? And she said, well, she thought

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Speaker 2: about it for a little while. And I always braced

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Speaker 2: myself when I asked that question, because you just never

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Speaker 2: know what's going to.

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Speaker 1: Come out of the man. It can be pretty brutal.

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Speaker 2: And she said the other day, she said, you asked

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Speaker 2: me to cook dinner. And she said, you literally left

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Speaker 2: me in the kitchen to do it all by myself.

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Speaker 2: And she said, I was just really grateful that you

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Speaker 2: trusted I could do it, she said, because and then

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Speaker 2: she kind of looked at me and she said, the

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Speaker 2: last time we did it, she said, you were in

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Speaker 2: the kitchen and I know you were trying to be helpful,

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Speaker 2: but you got cranky at me every time I didn't

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Speaker 2: do it the way you did it. And she said, so,

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Speaker 2: I just was really grateful that you let me have

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Speaker 2: a go. And I didn't do it like you would

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Speaker 2: have done it, but it was okay. And what was

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Speaker 2: so beautiful about that was I had actually acknowledged to

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Speaker 2: her during the conversation how proud I was of what

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Speaker 2: she had done, that she'd taken it on, and that

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Speaker 2: she hadn't complained about it and she did such a

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Speaker 2: great job all by herself.

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Speaker 1: So what she was really saying is just leave me alone.

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Speaker 1: If I'm going to go into the kitchen, just sad

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Speaker 1: on my way. Yeah, and it's.

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Speaker 2: So it's actually it's actually more like it's less stressful.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, of course it is. It's less stressful for me though,

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Speaker 1: of course, because when.

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Speaker 2: I'm in there, I'm kind of like, that's not how

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Speaker 2: you do it.

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Speaker 1: You've got to read it. You've got to read Hunt

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Speaker 1: Gather Parent by Michael Linda Cliff. I keep on talking

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Speaker 1: about on the podcast, there's a whole lot of things

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Speaker 1: about the book that I don't like. I need to

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Speaker 1: be clear about that. I mean, ultimately, she keeps referring

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Speaker 1: back to her and her two year old. It's all

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Speaker 1: the parenting experience she's got. She's not a parenting expert.

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Speaker 1: She's in she's got a chemistry PhD. And she really

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Speaker 1: reduces entire cultures down to one or two parenting practices,

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Speaker 1: which is probably pretty reductionists and unhelpful. But this idea

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Speaker 1: of getting out of the kid's way and not correcting

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Speaker 1: them when they get stuff wrong, whether they're raking the

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Speaker 1: leaves or making tortillas or cooking dinner, don't correct them.

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Speaker 1: Just let them do it, let them make the mess,

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Speaker 1: let them figure it out, let them have the experiences.

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Speaker 1: They feel better, they feel more competent, and they enjoy

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Speaker 1: it more.

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Speaker 2: Well, let's just say I didn't read the book, but

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Speaker 2: I still got a win. So I'm doing all right.

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Speaker 1: You are you are, you are? So the take home

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Speaker 1: message from me was spend time with the kids. Stop

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Speaker 1: what you're doing, actually spend time. The take home messages

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Speaker 1: plural from you.

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Speaker 2: Are Sometimes it's worth pushing through the heart yes yes, then,

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Speaker 2: and secondly, getting out of our children's way and allowing

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Speaker 2: them the autonomy to actually make mistakes and work through

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Speaker 2: the challenge on their own.

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Speaker 1: All right, next week, one story each. We've got to

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Speaker 1: get back to the rules, missus Coulson. But I hope

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Speaker 1: that this conversation for everyone who listens to the Families

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Speaker 1: podcasts giving you some food for thoughts, some stuff to

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Speaker 1: work on for the weekend or for next week, and

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Speaker 1: that it helps to make your family happier. We love

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Speaker 1: that you choose to listen to the podcast. Thank you,

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being with us. If you're

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Speaker 1: enjoying the podcast, please jump onto Apple Podcasts and leave

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Speaker 1: us a five star rating and review so that other

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Speaker 1: people can find out about it. It's those ratings and

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Speaker 1: reviews that push the podcast into other people's suggested lists

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Speaker 1: and give them access to all the great stuff that

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Speaker 1: we're offering to make families happier. As always, the Happy

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Speaker 1: Families podcast is produced by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media.

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Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Next Monday, we talk

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Speaker 1: about refilling our kids' joy tanks. We didn't quite finish

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Speaker 1: that yesterday, so we'll finish that on Monday, and a

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Speaker 1: big podcast on Tuesday talking about how do I become dad? Rage, parent, rage,

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Speaker 1: when things get out of control? For all that and more,

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Speaker 1: keep on listening to the podcast and check out Happy

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Speaker 1: Families dot com. Today you