1 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Sometimes it feels like parenting is an Olympic sport. And 2 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,360 Speaker 1: I'm not talking about how exhausted we are at the 3 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:13,160 Speaker 1: end of every day. That's kind of just part of 4 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:16,280 Speaker 1: being a human. Instead, I'm talking about what happens certainly 5 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 1: in some postcodes and some parenting cohorts. There's just a 6 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,759 Speaker 1: lot going on today. We have a look at the 7 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 1: competitive parenting culture and how we make sure that our 8 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:30,600 Speaker 1: kids are getting enough enrichment without being overscheduled. How do 9 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:33,680 Speaker 1: we get this balance right? Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, 10 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:37,479 Speaker 1: Real parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. 11 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 1: We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie, parenting sometimes feels 12 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,000 Speaker 1: like a gladiator sport, even if you're not competing with 13 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:46,320 Speaker 1: everybody else, you just feel like you've run a marathon 14 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:48,760 Speaker 1: at the end of every day, especially with multiple kids 15 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,160 Speaker 1: and so many activities to be doing. 16 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,160 Speaker 2: And I think it's even more complicated now that we've 17 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,640 Speaker 2: got social media and we're watching everybody else's lives in 18 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,560 Speaker 2: real time happening before us, and feeling like where behind 19 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:01,720 Speaker 2: the eight ball all the time? 20 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:06,440 Speaker 1: Massive, massive, what's the word amplification magnification of it. I 21 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,400 Speaker 1: have a controversial take, and I know that this is 22 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,120 Speaker 1: going to be unfair in a lot of areas, but 23 00:01:10,319 --> 00:01:14,600 Speaker 1: in some places I think that I'm bang on. I'm 24 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:16,400 Speaker 1: scared to say it, but I'm going to say it anyway. 25 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,440 Speaker 1: I think sometimes there's this I don't know if it's innate, 26 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,840 Speaker 1: maybe it's in a maybe it's a social construction. But 27 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:27,920 Speaker 1: there are some pockets of our communities where mums are super, 28 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,560 Speaker 1: super competitive, and I think that it's hurting our children, 29 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,360 Speaker 1: Like from the time that they're born, my child is 30 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:38,080 Speaker 1: hitting these developmental miles stones. First, I've got a gifted child. 31 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:41,640 Speaker 1: They're winning everything, They're amazing, and I kind of feel 32 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 1: like we get caught up in this parenting rug rat 33 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:49,440 Speaker 1: race where many people just want their kids to outshine 34 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 1: everyone else's. 35 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 2: You're right, it is very controversial and provocative, and I 36 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:57,640 Speaker 2: don't ingree it entirely with you. I have watched it, 37 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,919 Speaker 2: and I've seen the competitive streak in women in general 38 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 2: and mums, but I do not believe it's a nate 39 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:08,200 Speaker 2: If I think that culturally we have created an environment 40 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,080 Speaker 2: where we feel like it's dog eat dog, it's just 41 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,880 Speaker 2: in a totally different setting than do you. 42 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:15,440 Speaker 1: Think it's the whole I've got to fulfill my child's potential. 43 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 1: I've got to help them to optimize every aspect of 44 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:21,280 Speaker 1: their development. Like that's well intentioned rather than a competitive thing. 45 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,840 Speaker 1: It's not about beating everyone else. It's just about being 46 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:26,480 Speaker 1: the best, because then you're being a model of the 47 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 1: optimization that I've pushed you towards. 48 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 2: No, I think it's a scarcity mentality that there's not 49 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:35,320 Speaker 2: enough good jobs out there, there's not enough good places 50 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,040 Speaker 2: for my kid to be, and if they're not the best, 51 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 2: then they're not going to have the life that I 52 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,639 Speaker 2: want them to have because I didn't get it when 53 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,040 Speaker 2: I was a kid, or I think it's more that 54 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:47,400 Speaker 2: than it is anything else. 55 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,840 Speaker 1: Well, I'm fine with the not innate thing, but I 56 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:52,680 Speaker 1: still think that in some areas there's just this competitiveness. 57 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,640 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's well intentioned, other times I'm not convinced. And 58 00:02:55,639 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 1: I'm going to point the finger squarely in the direction 59 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,440 Speaker 1: of the eastern suburbs of Sydney, although there are pockets 60 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,680 Speaker 1: around the country that do this. I jumped online in 61 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 1: prep for this podcast, and here's what I found. You 62 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:09,400 Speaker 1: can get your eighteen month old child signed up for ballet. Wow, 63 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:11,919 Speaker 1: I just want to let that sit for a secon 64 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,680 Speaker 1: eighteen months old signing up for ballet. 65 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,400 Speaker 2: I have seen your sister's feet. 66 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,959 Speaker 1: Oh, my sister's a professional dancer. She's been dancing since 67 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 1: she was a teenager or maybe a little bit younger 68 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:24,079 Speaker 1: than that. 69 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:30,040 Speaker 2: She's in her mid thirties, right, And that they're not normal, 70 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,240 Speaker 2: that they're not in any way, shape or form. 71 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,480 Speaker 1: You can sign your kids up for soccer at three, which, again, 72 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:37,839 Speaker 1: like kids don't need to be competing against other kids 73 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,600 Speaker 1: at three. The ball is almost as big as the 74 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,600 Speaker 1: three ords. So let's be honest. I found something and 75 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:47,320 Speaker 1: I don't This is legit, but it sounds so weird 76 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,760 Speaker 1: even to be saying it. You can literally get your 77 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:54,360 Speaker 1: six week old involved in fitness classes, which is not 78 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,400 Speaker 1: really fitness for the kids. It's really just about I guess, 79 00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,600 Speaker 1: being with them and moving their bodies around. A special 80 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,520 Speaker 1: call out brain Thrive, which is music based educational classes 81 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,280 Speaker 1: for nine month olds. Your kids aren't going to learn 82 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:09,280 Speaker 1: to be a brilliant guitarist, drama piano player at nine 83 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,240 Speaker 1: months old. And we know that the baby mozart stuff 84 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,840 Speaker 1: is not legit, like there's no research to support that. 85 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 1: And I hear this stuff and I just think it's competition, 86 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:19,560 Speaker 1: Like we're pushing our kids so hard because we want 87 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,760 Speaker 1: we want to maximize their potential. The financial burden of 88 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,479 Speaker 1: these programs on families or maybe not in some places, 89 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:29,320 Speaker 1: maybe that's why it's happening. But for me, there's this 90 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 1: bigger issue around the developmental readiness of children and what 91 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:41,360 Speaker 1: it teaches children about the world. And again to stir 92 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,279 Speaker 1: the pot and still no, it's actually a legitimate question. 93 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,400 Speaker 1: Why are we signing kids up for stuff at six 94 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:50,279 Speaker 1: weeks or three years old or nine month old brain 95 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 1: thrive music classes and that kind of thing. I feel 96 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,719 Speaker 1: as though it's more for our validation than for their benefit. 97 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,480 Speaker 2: So I'm going to push back on you again. I 98 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,359 Speaker 2: actually don't. I think that in some cases you're exactly right. 99 00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 2: But I actually think that there's two things happening. As parents, 100 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,279 Speaker 2: we're more distracted than we've ever been, and the idea 101 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:15,680 Speaker 2: that somebody is going to dictate what happens in any 102 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:21,640 Speaker 2: given space and allows us a mental break is an 103 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:28,159 Speaker 2: important point. But secondly, I think that as mothers in general, 104 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 2: there is so much competing information out there. We've actually 105 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:38,839 Speaker 2: lost the ability to trust our own instincts and to 106 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:43,440 Speaker 2: value our own input and what we bring to children's lives. 107 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,480 Speaker 1: So, speaking of losing the ability, is it possible? And 108 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,480 Speaker 1: I recognize like I'm being pretty open about this on 109 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,560 Speaker 1: our pod today. I'm not usually quite this open. And 110 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,400 Speaker 1: it does sound like I'm doing a bit of parent shaming. 111 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,479 Speaker 1: I probably am, and that's pretty unusual for me. I 112 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,919 Speaker 1: want to be supportive. I want to be in parents' corn. 113 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:03,320 Speaker 1: Am I taking it for granted that not every parent 114 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,360 Speaker 1: knows a whole lot of stuff about child development? Am 115 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 1: I taking it for granted that what I know, what 116 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,440 Speaker 1: we talk about in this podcast is not common knowledge. 117 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,919 Speaker 1: It just doesn't make sense to me that parents are 118 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 1: pushing their kids under the age of four, five, six, 119 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:20,600 Speaker 1: even seven or eight into so many schedule activities. It's 120 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 1: not in the child's best interest. Is it possible that 121 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,159 Speaker 1: parents are so distracted by what they're seeing on social 122 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,719 Speaker 1: media or by their own hopes for their children, that 123 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:33,440 Speaker 1: they they don't understand child development? Like you said, they've 124 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:38,800 Speaker 1: lost trust, They've lost trust in their ability to read 125 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:40,159 Speaker 1: their child and what's good for their child. 126 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,760 Speaker 2: I don't think that they've lost trust in it. They've 127 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,720 Speaker 2: never trusted it. They actually have never trusted that they 128 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,600 Speaker 2: actually know what their child needs because you read one 129 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,160 Speaker 2: book and it tells you to do X, Y and Z, 130 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 2: and then the next book's are total. 131 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,560 Speaker 1: Well, they haven't been reading my book. Contradiction everyone, Every 132 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,360 Speaker 1: one of these words. 133 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 2: Would be a contradictions out there. 134 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,000 Speaker 1: It probably is. All right, after the break, here's what 135 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,120 Speaker 1: we're going to do. I'm going to lay out the 136 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,920 Speaker 1: developmental case against overscheduling our kids, why too many activities 137 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:11,200 Speaker 1: has a negative impact on them, and especially starting too young. 138 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,160 Speaker 1: You're going to talk about what we can do instead, 139 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,760 Speaker 1: and how to find the sweet spot so that when 140 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:17,120 Speaker 1: our children are the right developmental stage, we can get 141 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:20,560 Speaker 1: them involved in the appropriate number of the appropriate activities 142 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,000 Speaker 1: at the appropriate time, for the appropriate reasons. That's all 143 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:33,120 Speaker 1: coming up in just a set, all right, the developmental 144 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,920 Speaker 1: case against overscheduling our kids, starting them off too young 145 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:39,120 Speaker 1: and so on. First off, when they're too young, they 146 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 1: just don't get the downtime to figure things out. And frankly, 147 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: you're mostly wasting your time and money because it's not 148 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,040 Speaker 1: sinking in. A nine month old is not going to 149 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:48,600 Speaker 1: learn how to be a baby Mozart. 150 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,280 Speaker 2: But you also take the joy out of it because 151 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:54,320 Speaker 2: there is an adult in the room who is dictating 152 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 2: what needs to happen in order for them to progress right, 153 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 2: instead of allowing them to just explore and actually enjoy 154 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,920 Speaker 2: whatever the activity is, whether it be kicking a ball. 155 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,520 Speaker 2: We're now in a formalized soccer game as a three 156 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,760 Speaker 2: year old, as opposed to just being in the backyard 157 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:10,760 Speaker 2: having a kick with dad. 158 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,280 Speaker 1: Cheaper and probably more fun. 159 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:18,360 Speaker 2: Well not only more fun, it's the relationship that develops 160 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:22,119 Speaker 2: and grows, the connection that that child experiences with one 161 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 2: trusted adult as opposed to being in a class with 162 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,000 Speaker 2: a holy of three year olds that don't know what 163 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 2: they're doing. 164 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, as children get older as well, we find that 165 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:35,160 Speaker 1: there are going to be impacts on schoolwork, family time, sleep, 166 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:39,559 Speaker 1: stress levels, in fairness and indifference to some families that 167 00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:42,120 Speaker 1: I've seen who really do schedule their children extremely heavily. 168 00:08:42,559 --> 00:08:44,400 Speaker 1: I was doing a pr campaign. There was a young 169 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,560 Speaker 1: boy who was involved in that campaign some years ago. 170 00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 1: He was doing eleven. I spoke to his mum. He 171 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:51,400 Speaker 1: was doing eleven extra curricular activities a week. Now I 172 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,240 Speaker 1: do not know. Number one, how you pay for that 173 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: many extra curricular activities a week. Number two, how you 174 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:59,319 Speaker 1: get your child too that many extra curricular activities a week. 175 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:01,240 Speaker 1: He was doing music, he was doing drama, he was 176 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,600 Speaker 1: doing art, he was doing sport, and he was doing 177 00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:04,640 Speaker 1: multiples of each. 178 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,000 Speaker 2: I would suggest that she wasn't getting him to all 179 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,439 Speaker 2: of them. Based on our experiences at different schools, I 180 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,880 Speaker 2: would say that a lot of his extracurriculars would have 181 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 2: been a part of his school education. 182 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:20,240 Speaker 1: Probably also worth adding they did have an any which 183 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 1: would definitely make that easier. But I just the impact 184 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,320 Speaker 1: of doing that many activities on a child is significant. Now. 185 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,640 Speaker 1: I mean, he was well justed, he was a really 186 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:34,000 Speaker 1: happy kid, seemed fantastic, but over time it's just a lot. 187 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:38,560 Speaker 1: There are known and well documented physical dangers of doing 188 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 1: too many sports, particularly sports early sports specialization from an 189 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 1: injury point of view, overuse of growing bones and muscles, 190 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,880 Speaker 1: and also burnout. And I think the other thing that 191 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,040 Speaker 1: I've seen happen is a lot of parents will be like, well, 192 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:56,040 Speaker 1: because I'm keeping my child that busy. When they are home, 193 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 1: they just use the screen because they're doing so much. 194 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,440 Speaker 1: I don't have to worry about them being on the 195 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,560 Speaker 1: screen because I've got them in so many structured activities, 196 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,079 Speaker 1: and I kind of feel like there's this irony here 197 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:10,560 Speaker 1: that we schedule all of this enrichment, but we could 198 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:14,320 Speaker 1: actually create stressed out, screen dependent kids because there's so 199 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:18,360 Speaker 1: much going on. Provocative take, But I just think there's 200 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:22,520 Speaker 1: an argument against, a really strong argument against overscheduling, And 201 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,920 Speaker 1: like I said, in researching for this particular podcast episode, 202 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,280 Speaker 1: I just I saw so much of it. 203 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 2: So I guess on the flip side of that, if 204 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,439 Speaker 2: we're not overscheduling our kids, then we run the risk 205 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:36,199 Speaker 2: that they get bort or worse, they're under our feet 206 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:36,839 Speaker 2: all the time. 207 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, And I think. 208 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:44,560 Speaker 2: That that is often part of the challenge that parents 209 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,560 Speaker 2: have if I don't put the kids into this activity, 210 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,880 Speaker 2: that I'm going to spend the whole afternoon with them 211 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,599 Speaker 2: at me because they're bored. I don't want them on 212 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:52,000 Speaker 2: a screen. 213 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: I want them outside, or they'll be at me to 214 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,920 Speaker 1: get on the screen all afternoon. Yeah. So there is 215 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:01,319 Speaker 1: a dark side boredom, depression and anxiety. If you're bored 216 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,760 Speaker 1: and you don't have resources and don't do anything about 217 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,600 Speaker 1: the boredom don't get creative, don't get active, Then boredom 218 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:10,080 Speaker 1: has a dark side. Mmy blogus love to write about 219 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,960 Speaker 1: the benefits of boredom, but I think that boredom can 220 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:13,800 Speaker 1: be quite dangerous. 221 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:18,120 Speaker 2: It's interesting that you say that to me, because before 222 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:22,480 Speaker 2: screens were an option, where was anxiety and depression levels 223 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:23,520 Speaker 2: at that point? 224 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:26,520 Speaker 1: Well, we have good data that shows that anxiety and 225 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,120 Speaker 1: depression levels still existed but were nowhere near the levels 226 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 1: they are today. 227 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,760 Speaker 2: Yes, so I look at my childhood and I grew 228 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:36,800 Speaker 2: up in I would consider an average family, but we 229 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,959 Speaker 2: didn't have the means to do a lot of extra 230 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:43,240 Speaker 2: curricular activities, and I didn't do any But I don't 231 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,280 Speaker 2: I don't remember ever sitting in my room staring at 232 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:50,560 Speaker 2: the walls thinking I'm bored. And I feel like as 233 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,640 Speaker 2: a result of overscheduling our kids and introducing handheld screens 234 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:59,839 Speaker 2: into their world, we've actually created boredom because they don't 235 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:03,920 Speaker 2: know how to do anything on their own because there's 236 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,240 Speaker 2: always something. 237 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:07,040 Speaker 1: There, always so much stimulation. 238 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,360 Speaker 2: To stimulate them. Exactly. 239 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, So I've spoken about this on the podcast a 240 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,800 Speaker 1: couple of times, but it's so important. I just I 241 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:14,920 Speaker 1: want to keep on emphasizing it. There's this part of 242 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,640 Speaker 1: your brain called the default mode network. That is, when 243 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,720 Speaker 1: your brain doesn't have anything to do, it slips into 244 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,040 Speaker 1: default mode and a whole different network of the brain 245 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,840 Speaker 1: kicks off. When the default mode network is active, well, 246 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,280 Speaker 1: it's active because you're not on a screen. There's no stimulation, 247 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,320 Speaker 1: there's nothing exciting your brain, and so you get to 248 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:33,040 Speaker 1: you get to do what you just get to think 249 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,559 Speaker 1: about stuff. So you might think about what you've got 250 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 1: to do this afternoon, all this weekend. You might think 251 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:39,400 Speaker 1: about the whole day that you're planning. You might think 252 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,200 Speaker 1: about the person that you've got to crash on. If 253 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,240 Speaker 1: you're a teenager, you might think about who you are, 254 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,240 Speaker 1: what your values are. You might think about that thing 255 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 1: that you said earlier, that was that a mistake? Should 256 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,680 Speaker 1: I apologize for that? You start to do the inner work, 257 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,520 Speaker 1: You work on your identity. That's the default mode network's job. 258 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 1: And our kids, because they're so stimulated, because they're so scheduled, 259 00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,400 Speaker 1: especially in some of these communities and post codes that 260 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,240 Speaker 1: I'm refering to, they don't get the chance to do 261 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 1: the inner work. There's a values deficit. And we hear 262 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,000 Speaker 1: all these stories of the time about kids that are 263 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,440 Speaker 1: getting up to know good and now. Part of that 264 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,280 Speaker 1: is because teenagers have always been a little bit challenging, 265 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,600 Speaker 1: but part of it is because they're not doing the 266 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,480 Speaker 1: inner work. They don't have the downtime to quote unquote 267 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,880 Speaker 1: be bored to sit in their room and go who 268 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,680 Speaker 1: am I and what am I about? I might journal, 269 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,440 Speaker 1: like how many kids journal today versus ten twenty thirty 270 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,480 Speaker 1: years ago. It's almost a lost art form. Or sit 271 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,800 Speaker 1: down and write a letter and open up your heart. 272 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,679 Speaker 1: When you write, you process things differently, You're thinking in 273 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:35,560 Speaker 1: different ways. These are the things that help people to 274 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,600 Speaker 1: develop their character, help them to develop their values. And 275 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,560 Speaker 1: because we overschedule our children, they have lost the art 276 00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:45,680 Speaker 1: of day dreaming and it's important for cognitive development and 277 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:49,439 Speaker 1: for identity development. So we need to find a sweet spot. 278 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,480 Speaker 1: That's the whole purpose of this podcast. We've kind of 279 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,839 Speaker 1: covered a whole lot of different areas and being quite 280 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,280 Speaker 1: broad here, but if I was to bring it right 281 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,520 Speaker 1: back when it comes to your children, they need downtime, 282 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,880 Speaker 1: but we also want them to have enrichment activities so 283 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:06,600 Speaker 1: that they can succeed in life. Over the years, as 284 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 1: we have raised six children. We've come up with some 285 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 1: fairly clear guidelines around what we think works to find 286 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,960 Speaker 1: the sweet spot so that children are activated and engaged 287 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:21,000 Speaker 1: in life and doing things, but not overscheduled, burden stressed, 288 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,520 Speaker 1: and then looking for every opportunity to stare at a 289 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:24,840 Speaker 1: screen when they're not doing anything. 290 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:26,840 Speaker 2: When you say that, the words that come to my 291 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:31,840 Speaker 2: mind is the extracurricular activities that our children engage in 292 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:36,280 Speaker 2: should actually feel like a joy point in their lives. 293 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,480 Speaker 2: It literally should feel like this is the highlight of 294 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,560 Speaker 2: my week. I talk most it's a holiday right from 295 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:44,040 Speaker 2: the norm. 296 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,440 Speaker 1: I do my parenting presentation on resilience, and I share 297 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,760 Speaker 1: the story about how our daughter Chanell wanted to ride 298 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:52,400 Speaker 1: velodrome track cycling with me, and for the first three 299 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,920 Speaker 1: weeks she loved it, and then when she got her 300 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:58,520 Speaker 1: backside completely handed to her every single week, she decided 301 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,280 Speaker 1: she didn't want to do it anymore. She wasn't enjoy it. 302 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,920 Speaker 1: Number one, she didn't really have relationships with the other girls. 303 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,640 Speaker 1: Number Two, she was not competent. She was being absolutely annihilated. 304 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,400 Speaker 2: Well, there was no one else her age. She was 305 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:12,200 Speaker 2: actually competing it, but against kids who were much older than. 306 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: And they were lapping her in every race. The situation 307 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,880 Speaker 1: got so dire though. I mean I was saying, well, 308 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,440 Speaker 1: I paid for the bike, we paid for the kid, 309 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 1: you're going to come down, you're going to race that 310 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,840 Speaker 1: I was. I literally grabbed it by the arm and 311 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,320 Speaker 1: I dragged her to the car. I'm like, you're going 312 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,520 Speaker 1: to race tonight because I've spent all this money and 313 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,360 Speaker 1: you're going to do this. This is the extra curricular 314 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,760 Speaker 1: activity that you wanted to do. I remember thinking as 315 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,600 Speaker 1: I was dragging her to the car, why am I 316 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,800 Speaker 1: doing this? Who is this for? Because it's clearly not 317 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:39,640 Speaker 1: for her anymore, Like this is for me, not for 318 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,560 Speaker 1: my ego, but maybe for me to feel better about 319 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:44,400 Speaker 1: having spent all the money. That's right. And I really 320 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,000 Speaker 1: did want her to fall in love with cycling so 321 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,880 Speaker 1: we could have that activity that we could do together. 322 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,400 Speaker 1: That was important to me as well. But it ended 323 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 1: up that it was just a better decision. Once you're 324 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:55,320 Speaker 1: dragging them to the car, it's not bringing them joy 325 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:59,320 Speaker 1: and it's not a release for them from their regular activities. 326 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:03,440 Speaker 1: So I love that. I love that insight. We've essentially 327 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,640 Speaker 1: decided in our family, and every family will be different 328 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,000 Speaker 1: based on the number of kids you've got and what 329 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,560 Speaker 1: your financial and time resources are. But we've decided that 330 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:14,040 Speaker 1: one or two activities per week is probably enough, and 331 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:19,479 Speaker 1: those activities have to be based on the child's genuine interests, 332 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,600 Speaker 1: not the parents. Not because this is what I did 333 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,440 Speaker 1: when I was a kid, not because I'm ambitious for 334 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,040 Speaker 1: my child to go on and do this or do 335 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,560 Speaker 1: that in their lives. It's just got to be that. 336 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,160 Speaker 1: The other sweet spot, and we've talked about this many 337 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:36,400 Speaker 1: times on the podcast, it's finding time for quality togetherness 338 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:39,640 Speaker 1: as a family. It's non negotiable, whether it's Super Saturday, 339 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,440 Speaker 1: or you're having a family night one night in the week, 340 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:42,560 Speaker 1: or whatever that might be. 341 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,480 Speaker 2: I think my extension on that is, as I think 342 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:51,520 Speaker 2: about our eleven year old specifically, the joy point in 343 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:55,880 Speaker 2: her week is the time when she's able to connect 344 00:16:55,920 --> 00:17:00,120 Speaker 2: with her friends. So I actually, as we've got go 345 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 2: on through this process, feel like those connection points with 346 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:09,560 Speaker 2: friends who are like minded and enjoy the same kinds 347 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:15,919 Speaker 2: of activities has more health benefit to her mentally, emotionally, 348 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:21,679 Speaker 2: and physically than any other extracurricular activity we put her in. 349 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,760 Speaker 1: Let me get really concrete about this, her favorite time 350 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,479 Speaker 1: of the week is Wednesday afternoon when you go down 351 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,280 Speaker 1: to the local park and meet up with some homeschool 352 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:30,480 Speaker 1: families and the kids run around in a completely unstructured 353 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:33,800 Speaker 1: way with no expectations and no priorities and no competition. 354 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,520 Speaker 1: They just play for three to four hours, yeah, on 355 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:40,760 Speaker 1: a Wednesday afternoon, and they are in heaven like it's 356 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:45,800 Speaker 1: their favorite thing. So it's not a scheduled, structured activity. 357 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:50,920 Speaker 1: Rather it's an unstructured activity where they're figuring out relationships, 358 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,760 Speaker 1: they're solving the world's problems as eleven year olds do, 359 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,960 Speaker 1: and they're just having fun. And that really is the 360 00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,240 Speaker 1: uncomplicated truth about what our children need when it comes 361 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:04,920 Speaker 1: to scheduled activities and being overscheduled or not getting enough play, 362 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,760 Speaker 1: sometimes the best thing for a child is simply the 363 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:11,679 Speaker 1: freedom to be a child. The Happy Family's podcast is 364 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,080 Speaker 1: produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. For more information 365 00:18:15,119 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: and more resources to make your family happier, please visit 366 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:21,720 Speaker 1: us at happyfamilies dot com dot au.