1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,000 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for. 2 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,400 Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers Now. 3 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:12,800 Speaker 1: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson. All this week on 4 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,800 Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast, we've been counting down our top 5 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:19,720 Speaker 1: podcasts of the year. We've done number five, we've done 6 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:23,960 Speaker 1: number four, and today it's number three. Interestingly, this one 7 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:25,880 Speaker 1: came from the beginning of the year, as we were 8 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:27,920 Speaker 1: getting ready to set things up so that we can 9 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,720 Speaker 1: make sure that twenty twenty three is going to be 10 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,319 Speaker 1: a great year. It was all about the power of 11 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,559 Speaker 1: habit and what Kylie and I try to do to 12 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,919 Speaker 1: set up systems that make families function well. I hope 13 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:41,200 Speaker 1: you enjoy listening to our third most listened to podcast 14 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:49,280 Speaker 1: of twenty twenty three. We're pretty pumped about making this 15 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,640 Speaker 1: year the best year ever and being the best parents 16 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:54,520 Speaker 1: we can be this year. So we've been talking about 17 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,280 Speaker 1: all kinds of things related to goals and systems and 18 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 1: journaling and doing all the things that make life great. Today, 19 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 1: we just want to talk about one simple thing, and 20 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:08,480 Speaker 1: that is the power of habit. Charles Dewi wrote a 21 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:12,120 Speaker 1: book called that a few years ago. James Clear followed 22 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 1: that up with Atomic Habits, which is one of your 23 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,720 Speaker 1: favorites and one of mine as well. So there's a 24 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,119 Speaker 1: handful of things to talk about when it comes to habits. Ultimately, 25 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:21,280 Speaker 1: if you want your family to be happier, if you 26 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,120 Speaker 1: want to be a better parent, it's about establishing better habits. 27 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: So what's your habit when your children tick you off? 28 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,680 Speaker 1: Is it to sigh? Is it to roll your eyes? 29 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,319 Speaker 1: Is it to yell and shout and scream? Is it 30 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,640 Speaker 1: to threaten them? Is it to take something off them? 31 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,560 Speaker 1: Or is your habit to pause, to take a beat, 32 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:43,360 Speaker 1: to the glass of water if you share, and whatever 33 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:46,040 Speaker 1: else you need as well to pull it together? Is 34 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,520 Speaker 1: your habit to lean in, to explore rather than explode, 35 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 1: to understand, not reprimand to get curious not furious. If 36 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,640 Speaker 1: you can do those things, then you're probably well on 37 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 1: the path to a happier family and better parenting. But 38 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,280 Speaker 1: how do you create the habit? That's what we want 39 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,440 Speaker 1: to talk about over the next couple of minutes of 40 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,000 Speaker 1: this podcast, and we're going to keep it really brief. 41 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:13,920 Speaker 2: When I was reading Atomic Habits last year, one of 42 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:17,079 Speaker 2: the things that stood out to me was just how 43 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 2: minuscule the changes need to. 44 00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:23,880 Speaker 1: Be to create change over time. Yeah. 45 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:28,600 Speaker 2: So for me, when I look at where the gaps 46 00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 2: are in my life, the things that I want to change, 47 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,160 Speaker 2: I feel like I have to do a whole revolution. 48 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:39,040 Speaker 2: I have to change everything to you know, create the 49 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:43,200 Speaker 2: lifestyle that I want. And the reason James calls this 50 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,320 Speaker 2: book Atomic Habits is because he's suggesting that the changes 51 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,640 Speaker 2: that we actually need to make are like these tiny 52 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:49,359 Speaker 2: little tweaks. 53 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,240 Speaker 1: So that ties in with Darren Hardy's book The Compound Effect, 54 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,160 Speaker 1: the idea that if you do that small, that tiny 55 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: little thing, that tiny little tweak consistently day in and 56 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:02,200 Speaker 1: day out, that over time the results compound. And if 57 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,960 Speaker 1: you look not three minutes or three hours or three 58 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 1: days down the track, but three years or even three 59 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,680 Speaker 1: decades down the track, that's where you see the change. 60 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:11,760 Speaker 2: The biggest challenge for most of us, I think, is 61 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:15,760 Speaker 2: that it's so hard to keep doing what we're doing 62 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:20,680 Speaker 2: when we don't feel like we're getting the change that we. 63 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,359 Speaker 1: Want right the instant reward. I've been to the gym 64 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:24,919 Speaker 1: three days in a row. Why haven't I lost the 65 00:03:24,919 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 1: twelve years? Really really hard? 66 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:28,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, and you're telling me I have to wait three 67 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,480 Speaker 2: years before I'm going to actually see the results that 68 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:31,880 Speaker 2: I want. 69 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,760 Speaker 1: Delayed gratification. It's a killer. 70 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 2: It's hard. 71 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,920 Speaker 1: Yeah. So that reminds me, as you say that, of 72 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 1: a couple of things that I think are really worth emphasizing. 73 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,480 Speaker 1: The first is something that I share when I'm talking 74 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 1: to high performance teams in corporations and in schools, when 75 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,520 Speaker 1: I'm talking to adults about well being sort of stuff, 76 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:50,360 Speaker 1: and I'll highlight that dieting for a day won't change 77 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:51,839 Speaker 1: your life, going to the gym for a day won't 78 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,560 Speaker 1: change your life. Telling your wife a husband that you 79 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:59,120 Speaker 1: love them for a day won't change your marriage. But 80 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,440 Speaker 1: if you do this every single day. So I guess 81 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:06,080 Speaker 1: when I think about your marriage, our marriage together, you 82 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,280 Speaker 1: was going to say your marriage to me, But it's 83 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,200 Speaker 1: our marriage to one another. The marriage that we have 84 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:14,080 Speaker 1: isn't what it is because one day I got it 85 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 1: right or one day you got it right. It's because 86 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:20,479 Speaker 1: consistently for twenty four years. Now twenty five years? Is 87 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,920 Speaker 1: it twenty it's twenty five years? This, no, it's twenty 88 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 1: four years. Hang on, I always get the year mixed up. 89 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,159 Speaker 1: Nineteen ninety eight, it's nineteen ninety eight. Twenty five years. 90 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,640 Speaker 1: Twenty five years. I can't believe it. This year. 91 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:32,600 Speaker 2: It's a big milestone. 92 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:35,880 Speaker 1: That's a big one. Wow. For twenty five years, we 93 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,600 Speaker 1: have been consistent in doing the small things, reaching out 94 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,400 Speaker 1: and touching each other when we walk past, looking one 95 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 1: another in the eyes, giving each other kisses regularly. It's 96 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,120 Speaker 1: about making the consistent investment in I think it was 97 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,840 Speaker 1: nineteen eleven, nineteen eleven. We haven't been married that long, No, no, 98 00:04:51,839 --> 00:04:55,160 Speaker 1: no no. In nineteen eleven, Robert Falcon Scott and Roald 99 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:58,080 Speaker 1: Amerson were essentially in a race to the South Pole, 100 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:02,359 Speaker 1: and they had different strategies, different tactics, different ways of 101 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,800 Speaker 1: getting there. Scott was the Englishman, trying to do a 102 00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:08,800 Speaker 1: whole lot of things for science foundations and sponsors, and 103 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,640 Speaker 1: he had a really tough agenda, and so he was 104 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:15,480 Speaker 1: right under the pump. And when the weather was good 105 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 1: they would go on million miles an hour, do as 106 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,960 Speaker 1: much as they could, and then they'd just collapse. And 107 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 1: if the weather was bad then obviously they just hunkered down. 108 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:25,039 Speaker 1: But rolled Aminson, the Norwegian, what he would do is 109 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,360 Speaker 1: do twenty miles every single day. So it's a three 110 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:30,880 Speaker 1: thousand kilometer round trip. And what Amonson did was every 111 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,880 Speaker 1: day he did his thirty k's. Took him one hundred days, 112 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,760 Speaker 1: ninety nine days in fact to do it, because he 113 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 1: got up and he just did the work every single day. 114 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,839 Speaker 1: So as a as a parent, what is the work? 115 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,320 Speaker 1: What's the habit? What's the system that you can create? 116 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,680 Speaker 1: What's your twenty mile march? 117 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:54,120 Speaker 2: Honestly, when you say it, it seems like it's too easy. 118 00:05:55,279 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 2: It actually seems like it's too easy, and therefore it's 119 00:05:58,560 --> 00:05:59,320 Speaker 2: not going to work. 120 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,520 Speaker 1: I like writing a book, though, If I get up 121 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,560 Speaker 1: every day and I write a certain number of words, 122 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 1: within a couple of months, the book is written. I've 123 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,240 Speaker 1: got to do all the research, I've got to do 124 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:11,479 Speaker 1: all the planning, but just writing those words every day 125 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:14,600 Speaker 1: and suddenly you've written a book, an entire book that 126 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:18,279 Speaker 1: you've written. It's phenomenal. How that works. Parenting's the same. 127 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:21,080 Speaker 1: It's just that the metrics aren't quite as obvious. Like 128 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,960 Speaker 1: you can't get up and run five k's every day 129 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,120 Speaker 1: and say, all right, I'm going to be a good 130 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,360 Speaker 1: parent because I ran my five k's. But that five 131 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:30,599 Speaker 1: k run metaphorically is when the kids are angry, I 132 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:34,239 Speaker 1: don't shout, or when I need to talk to my children, 133 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,600 Speaker 1: I walk into the room and I meet their eyes, 134 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:40,000 Speaker 1: or I mean, pick your thing. Whatever it is that 135 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:42,760 Speaker 1: you want to change, it's about getting it right today, 136 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:45,799 Speaker 1: but also tomorrow and also the day after, and getting 137 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:49,000 Speaker 1: it right every single flipping day for twenty years until 138 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:52,280 Speaker 1: they finally are adults and you've gotten to write consistently. 139 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,960 Speaker 1: Is that ongoing investment, creating the habit. That's how we 140 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,400 Speaker 1: make our families function, That's how we become better parents. 141 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,480 Speaker 2: I guess at the heart of all of that is 142 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,760 Speaker 2: just it. It's the discipline that it takes us to 143 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:06,920 Speaker 2: do that. Because some days it's easy. 144 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 1: Okay, well it's really easy to. 145 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,600 Speaker 2: Show up, and other days it's not. And on those days, 146 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 2: a rule that I love to remember is to not 147 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,000 Speaker 2: miss two days in a row. 148 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,320 Speaker 1: Great, well, I was going to say, give me some strategies. 149 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:22,880 Speaker 1: I've got a handful as well, But that's that's a 150 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 1: perfect one. So if I've made a commitment and I'll 151 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,760 Speaker 1: just stick with the don't yell at the kid's idea 152 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:30,200 Speaker 1: as the or don't smack the kids, or don't whatever 153 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 1: it is, I'm going to stop doing this thing. What 154 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,240 Speaker 1: you want to do is make that the commitment and 155 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 1: if you blow it, just don't blow it. Two days 156 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,240 Speaker 1: in a row reinstate the commitment. The other thing that 157 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 1: you can do, though, is you can have a commitment device. 158 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 1: This is one of my favorites. So commitment device is 159 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,760 Speaker 1: essentially that thing that makes things happen for me. If 160 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,640 Speaker 1: I want to exercise, my commitment device is my friends. 161 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:54,280 Speaker 1: I don't exercise otherwise I want that social thing for 162 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,960 Speaker 1: our daughters. As we mentioned on the podcast yesterday, they're 163 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,800 Speaker 1: not going to run unless they've got me running a 164 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:02,960 Speaker 1: lot alongside them, my involvement. That's the commitment device. Now, 165 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 1: sometimes it's people. Sometimes it's a thing. It's a decision 166 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,440 Speaker 1: that you've made that if I do this, I get 167 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 1: that or whatever it might be, but absolutely essential. There's 168 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,080 Speaker 1: probably a couple of other things that we could do, though, 169 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,320 Speaker 1: to really make these habits stick. 170 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:20,160 Speaker 2: James Claire talks about stacking habits. Oh yeah, and this 171 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 2: was actually really useful for me. So I if there 172 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,560 Speaker 2: is something that I'm already doing and it's just habitual 173 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:27,880 Speaker 2: that I do it, I don't even have to think 174 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:28,280 Speaker 2: about it. 175 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:29,840 Speaker 1: So you're already brushing your teeth, you might as well 176 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 1: add flossing to. 177 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:33,839 Speaker 2: The you add something else to it, so it has 178 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 2: to kind of make sense that you do it. So 179 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:39,360 Speaker 2: for me during winter time, I actually forget to drink right, Like, 180 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 2: I just stopped drinking, and I get to the end 181 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:43,240 Speaker 2: of the day and I've got the worst headache in 182 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:46,880 Speaker 2: the world. And so I decided to stack the habit 183 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,880 Speaker 2: of walking into the kitchen. How many times do you 184 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,200 Speaker 2: walk into the kitchen every day? 185 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,959 Speaker 1: Lots a lot, Yes, if. 186 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,439 Speaker 2: You're working from home or you live, you know you're 187 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,720 Speaker 2: at home during the day. And so I just decided 188 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:01,880 Speaker 2: that every time I walked into the kitchen, I would 189 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,319 Speaker 2: take a drink of water. I didn't tell myself that 190 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,400 Speaker 2: I had to drink a whole carp or whatever it was, 191 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,120 Speaker 2: just every time I came into the kitchen, I would 192 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,880 Speaker 2: have water. And I went from pretty much drinking no 193 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,880 Speaker 2: water during the day to doing two and a half 194 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,480 Speaker 2: liters without even thinking about it. 195 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,840 Speaker 1: So an easy parenting corollary is to say, every time 196 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,600 Speaker 1: I walk into a room that one of my children 197 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,719 Speaker 1: are in, I'm going to call out their name and 198 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 1: smile at them and tell them that I love them, 199 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,440 Speaker 1: or I'm going to reach out and squeeze their elbow 200 00:09:25,559 --> 00:09:28,679 Speaker 1: or acknowledge them in some positive and kind way. That's 201 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,400 Speaker 1: the idea. That's that idea of habit stacking. The child 202 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,880 Speaker 1: becomes the commitment device as well. You've got those things, 203 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:35,839 Speaker 1: you know, at the very core of it, and we 204 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,280 Speaker 1: need to wrap this up. But at the very core 205 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,240 Speaker 1: of it, I think that if we want to create 206 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:43,280 Speaker 1: better habits, better systems, it's one thing to come up 207 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,200 Speaker 1: with all these techniques and strategies and to have your 208 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:47,160 Speaker 1: twenty mile march and make sure you're doing that thing 209 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,000 Speaker 1: day and day out consistently, But what you really want 210 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,920 Speaker 1: is to have a sense of identity around it. This 211 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,960 Speaker 1: is the kind of person I am. Because fit people 212 00:09:56,440 --> 00:10:00,320 Speaker 1: exercise every day or most days, they very rarely two 213 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 1: in a row. They might miss one now and then. 214 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,120 Speaker 1: And it's the same with parents who are really striving 215 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:06,960 Speaker 1: to build that great relationship with their kids. They're going 216 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,640 Speaker 1: to get it wrong every now and again. We all do. 217 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 1: But if we get it wrong now, we don't get 218 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,120 Speaker 1: it wrong again tomorrow. We make sure we pull it 219 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:16,680 Speaker 1: together for tomorrow and we maintain that intention because it's 220 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:20,079 Speaker 1: because we are that kind of person. We really hope 221 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 1: this has been helpful. Thanks so much for listening to 222 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:25,040 Speaker 1: our Happy Families Summer series on the Happy Families Podcast. 223 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,240 Speaker 1: Back again on Monday, We're going to be focusing on 224 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,679 Speaker 1: how to get the most out of summer and holidays 225 00:10:29,679 --> 00:10:32,880 Speaker 1: with the kids. That's on the Happy Families Podcast.