1 00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:04,160 Speaker 1: I listen to the language that they use to describe 2 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: their challenges or their culture. I listen to see if 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:11,000 Speaker 1: whether or not they use active voice or passive voice. So, 4 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: for example, every year we have a conference versus every 5 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 1: year we host a conference. There's a very subtle difference. 6 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:24,599 Speaker 1: But we host a conference assumes a certain level of agency, 7 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:28,600 Speaker 1: whereas we have a conference assume some level of inheritance. 8 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 1: And I listen very closely to the language that they 9 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,920 Speaker 1: use to better understand how much power they perceive having 10 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:38,880 Speaker 1: over the things they're talking about. 11 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,879 Speaker 2: Welcome to How I Work, a show about the tactics 12 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,320 Speaker 2: you used by leading innovators to get so much out 13 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:51,519 Speaker 2: of their day. I'm your host, Doctor Amad. Then I'm 14 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:55,320 Speaker 2: an organizational psychologist, the founder of Innovation Consultancy in Bentium, 15 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,760 Speaker 2: and I'm obsessed with finding ways to optimize my work day. 16 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,680 Speaker 2: Now the next few weeks, I've got some very special 17 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:06,720 Speaker 2: episodes coming up. So I've just got back from attending 18 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:12,759 Speaker 2: TED twenty nineteen over in Vancouver, which was five amazing 19 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:19,080 Speaker 2: days of being literally covered in ideas and interesting thoughts 20 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,080 Speaker 2: and people. And while I was over there, I managed 21 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:26,160 Speaker 2: to record a few different podcast interviews with some really 22 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:31,640 Speaker 2: fascinating people that I'd reached out to. So these interviews 23 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,600 Speaker 2: were recorded in kind of one of the meeting lounge areas, 24 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,800 Speaker 2: none of which were soundproof, so you will hear a 25 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:42,640 Speaker 2: little bit of background noise, but we've mostly filtered it out. 26 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:48,400 Speaker 2: Now today's guest, the first of these TED episodes that 27 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:53,040 Speaker 2: I'll be playing was with Prea Parker. Now, Prea Parker 28 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,280 Speaker 2: wrote one of my favorite books that I read last 29 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:59,920 Speaker 2: year called The Art of Gathering, which is all about 30 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:05,920 Speaker 2: how to create great gatherings of people. So Priya teaches 31 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,160 Speaker 2: people how to gather better at home, work, school, and 32 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:12,640 Speaker 2: in our communities. And she's also a strategic facilitator with 33 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:16,799 Speaker 2: a background in conflict resolution, and her company, Thrive Labs, 34 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 2: has worked with organizations as varied as MoMA through to 35 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:24,520 Speaker 2: the World Economic Forum and the International Finance Corporation on 36 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:27,920 Speaker 2: things like strategy, vision and purpose. So when I read 37 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,440 Speaker 2: the Art of Gathering, it really got me thinking differently 38 00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:35,800 Speaker 2: about the gatherings that I have in my life, both 39 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,920 Speaker 2: in my work life and my personal life. And so 40 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,080 Speaker 2: I was so excited to learn that Priya was actually 41 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,560 Speaker 2: a TED to give a talk on the main stage 42 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:47,200 Speaker 2: about Gatherings, which was brilliant and I think will be 43 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:50,400 Speaker 2: released in the coming weeks. So in this chat that 44 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 2: I had with Preyer, we talk about how she approaches 45 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:57,360 Speaker 2: her own gatherings and things like the subtle role that 46 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,440 Speaker 2: language plays in getting to the heart of where her 47 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:05,400 Speaker 2: clients are at. So on that note, over to Prayer. 48 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,480 Speaker 2: It's good to be sitting here with you, Prayer. Likewise, 49 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,680 Speaker 2: I want to talk about some of the gatherings in 50 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:15,120 Speaker 2: your life, and I'm interested in the concept of a 51 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,440 Speaker 2: sales meeting. I don't know what that looks like for you, 52 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,360 Speaker 2: but you do a lot of facilitation for all sorts 53 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,560 Speaker 2: of companies all over the world. And I know one 54 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,640 Speaker 2: of the things that you talk about in your book 55 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,720 Speaker 2: is that you can't have a gathering defined by a category. 56 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 2: So by nature, sales meeting is not a real reason 57 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,960 Speaker 2: to gather. But I'm curious, like for meetings where you're 58 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,240 Speaker 2: meeting with a new organization that you may or may 59 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,680 Speaker 2: not be working with, how do you kind of plan 60 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 2: for that form of gathering. 61 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:47,840 Speaker 1: Well, the reason why you don't start with a category 62 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:53,440 Speaker 1: is because categories usually come with scripts in our mind. 63 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,800 Speaker 1: So sales meeting, I get an image of I don't know, 64 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,600 Speaker 1: a bunch of people in suits kind of trying to 65 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:02,040 Speaker 1: sell something wagging my fingers, which your listeners. 66 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:02,320 Speaker 2: An't going to hear. 67 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 1: And so even with the sales meeting, I would first 68 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 1: ask what is the purpose of this meeting? Is it 69 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 1: to make a relationship. Is it to begin a long 70 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:21,000 Speaker 1: time trusted relationship. Is it to sell a product by 71 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,600 Speaker 1: the end of a sixty minute time together. Is it 72 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:30,839 Speaker 1: to make people cognizant of a problem they had that 73 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,520 Speaker 1: they didn't believe there was a solution for Those are 74 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,080 Speaker 1: very different purposes, and often whether it's a sales meeting 75 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:43,080 Speaker 1: or a leadership off site or a orientation to employ orientation, 76 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,400 Speaker 1: we assume that the category gives us our marching orders. 77 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 1: And so with a sales meeting, regardless of what it 78 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,760 Speaker 1: was for, I would first ask, I mean ideally both sides, 79 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,960 Speaker 1: but if you're the host, what is your desired outcome 80 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:03,479 Speaker 1: for this meeting? And not have lines in your head 81 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:04,960 Speaker 1: of what that has to look like. 82 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 2: Can you give me an example of maybe a meeting 83 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,000 Speaker 2: that you've had, like let's say in the last year 84 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 2: of you know, the first time that you met with 85 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,279 Speaker 2: an organization that was potentially going to be one that 86 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:18,000 Speaker 2: you work with, Like, how like what your preparation process 87 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:18,719 Speaker 2: looked like for that? 88 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:24,360 Speaker 1: Well, so I'm a I'm a group conflict resolution facilitator, right, 89 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:29,560 Speaker 1: so I tend to work with organizations and companies. Uh 90 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:38,880 Speaker 1: when when somebody realizes, ah, so my sales pipeline looks 91 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:45,440 Speaker 1: very different, which is, oh God, please help. And what 92 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:49,279 Speaker 1: I do in my first meetings and the majority of 93 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:53,120 Speaker 1: my meetings, to be honest, are telephones telephone calls in 94 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:56,800 Speaker 1: terms of sales meetings because my you know what I 95 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:05,480 Speaker 1: My service is to you help people diagnose their challenge 96 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 1: or problem and figure out how to design a gathering 97 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 1: that would help them address that problem. And so, for example, 98 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:23,320 Speaker 1: if an organization wants to rethink how they fundamentally pay 99 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:28,640 Speaker 1: their partners, and it's a very complicated thing to change, 100 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,880 Speaker 1: not only from a financial perspective, but from an identity perspective, 101 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:36,560 Speaker 1: I would think about in my first few meetings with them, 102 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,479 Speaker 1: whether they or not they wanted to bring me in 103 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:43,640 Speaker 1: to facilitate those conversations. I'm really thinking about, how are 104 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:48,640 Speaker 1: they answering my questions? Are they honest with their answers? 105 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:53,159 Speaker 1: Are their answers to perfect. Are they trying to sell 106 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 1: me on a perfect organization, which in which case they 107 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,760 Speaker 1: don't need my services. And so a huge part of 108 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 1: my goal when I work with organizations or groups is 109 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,200 Speaker 1: to see if there's fit. 110 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,640 Speaker 2: Hmmm, and so like, what else are you listening for? 111 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,480 Speaker 2: To see if this fear? 112 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:15,000 Speaker 1: I listen to the language that they use to describe 113 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:18,120 Speaker 1: their challenges or their culture. I listen to see if 114 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:21,880 Speaker 1: whether or not they use active voice or passive voice. So, 115 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:26,800 Speaker 1: for example, every year we have a conference versus every 116 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:31,280 Speaker 1: year we host a conference. There's a very subtle difference. 117 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:35,480 Speaker 1: But we host a conference assumes a certain level of agency, 118 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 1: whereas we have a conference assume some level of inheritance. 119 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:43,120 Speaker 1: This is something that happens all the time. This exists. 120 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,960 Speaker 1: I don't know if I really want it to exist, 121 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,240 Speaker 1: or had any decision on making or fact that we 122 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,000 Speaker 1: host this conference. And I listen very closely to the 123 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,120 Speaker 1: language that they use to better understand how much power 124 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:59,200 Speaker 1: they perceive having over the things they're talking about. 125 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:03,000 Speaker 2: That's fascinating. I love the subtlety in that. Like, what's 126 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,840 Speaker 2: another example where you're using language to get really important 127 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,280 Speaker 2: cues from the conversation you. 128 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:13,520 Speaker 1: Know, I'm biracial. I'm half Indian, half white American, and 129 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,000 Speaker 1: some of it is how people assume. So sometimes I'm 130 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,760 Speaker 1: brought in for things related to diversity. So I was 131 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:25,400 Speaker 1: looking at a conference at the panels that they had decided. 132 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,640 Speaker 1: You can tell a lot about an organization based on 133 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,560 Speaker 1: the titles that they give to things. So the titles 134 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,840 Speaker 1: of a session, the titles of a panel, you can 135 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 1: tell how people the assumptions people make. So the title 136 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:41,000 Speaker 1: of this panel was diversity necessary evil or competitive advantage. 137 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:47,560 Speaker 1: And to me, either one of those framings is not 138 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:53,320 Speaker 1: what diversity is for. And there's so much in the 139 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,720 Speaker 1: framing of their assumptions that it made me understand why 140 00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 1: they were having huge problems with diversity at their organization. 141 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,480 Speaker 1: Because if you either think that it's you would do 142 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,480 Speaker 1: it because it is. You know, it makes you look good, 143 00:09:06,559 --> 00:09:09,040 Speaker 1: and it would you know it's not just intrinsically good, 144 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:13,720 Speaker 1: or because you have to. Either way, it shows a 145 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:18,480 Speaker 1: mindset about a topic that's very difficult to change. So often, 146 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:21,240 Speaker 1: if you're listening to people's language, you can tell their 147 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:25,040 Speaker 1: assumptions about the world through the language that they use. 148 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:29,079 Speaker 2: Now, on the other side of languages, questions, and I'm 149 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,439 Speaker 2: wondering what it like. Do you have go to or 150 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:35,559 Speaker 2: favorite questions for certain types of gatherings? 151 00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:43,640 Speaker 1: Yes, so, you know, I think one is just tell 152 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 1: me more so we radically underestimate the the it's the 153 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 1: journalist trick of just asking people to say more. And 154 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,600 Speaker 1: often within a group, people are very uncomfortable with silence. 155 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,040 Speaker 1: So as a leader or as a facilitator of you 156 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,160 Speaker 1: can hold silence a little bit longer. That's often when 157 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,800 Speaker 1: people actually say what's going on or say something real 158 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:10,520 Speaker 1: because they're they're on discomfort with silence is greater than 159 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:14,960 Speaker 1: their discomfort with blurting something out. But different questions, you 160 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,360 Speaker 1: know at a you know, for example, as a team dinner, 161 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,960 Speaker 1: top for asking questions to get people's stories rather than 162 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:26,840 Speaker 1: their opinions. So tell me about a time where blah 163 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,960 Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah blah, or what is an experience 164 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,400 Speaker 1: in your life that nobody else around the table has, 165 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,160 Speaker 1: you know, would know about. As it relates to whatever 166 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,320 Speaker 1: the topic is that you're talking about, As it relates 167 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:41,440 Speaker 1: to merger and acquisition, as it relates to selling something 168 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:45,079 Speaker 1: you don't believe in, as it relates to hiring as 169 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,280 Speaker 1: it relates to, you know, whatever you're talking about, and 170 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:51,640 Speaker 1: then otherwise questions that help people talk about the parts 171 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,840 Speaker 1: that aren't working. So that's great. We know that this 172 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,160 Speaker 1: product is amazing, or we know that we know that 173 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,160 Speaker 1: this wouldn't be a you know, initiative if it didn't 174 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,400 Speaker 1: you know, if it didn't have good attributes. Tell us 175 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,920 Speaker 1: about your worries about it, tell us about, you know, 176 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,400 Speaker 1: what keeps you up at night, tell us about elements 177 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:11,840 Speaker 1: that you believe might go wrong, and basically getting asking 178 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,880 Speaker 1: questions that trigger people to get off script. 179 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,560 Speaker 2: I like those questions. And you mentioned holding the silence, 180 00:11:17,559 --> 00:11:20,320 Speaker 2: which is so hard, and you'd be so practiced at that, 181 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,719 Speaker 2: like what, what are some things that you do or 182 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,760 Speaker 2: maybe that you used to do when it wasn't you know, 183 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,640 Speaker 2: maybe when it didn't come as naturally to you as 184 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:30,360 Speaker 2: it probably comes now, to get better at holding that 185 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,679 Speaker 2: silence and letting things emerge from that. 186 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,920 Speaker 1: I had a great coach who would tell me to 187 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,400 Speaker 1: pay attention to my like physical reactions. When you're a 188 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,880 Speaker 1: CONFORCT revolution facilitator, you have your own reactions with discomfort, 189 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:46,160 Speaker 1: and so if my heart started pounding, I would just 190 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,959 Speaker 1: notice that like, Okay, I'm getting you know, I'm getting nervous, 191 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,959 Speaker 1: or and just to allow my she would say, hold 192 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,160 Speaker 1: your discomfort muscles, build your discomfort muscles, hold it a 193 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:59,319 Speaker 1: little longer, or you know, we have we have physiological 194 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,680 Speaker 1: responses off and in moments where we think that, you know, 195 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaker 1: I have to do something with my palms will get sweaty. 196 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,840 Speaker 1: And I just learned as a facilitator that those weren't 197 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:11,200 Speaker 1: moments necessarily to intervene. There are moments to notice that 198 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,800 Speaker 1: the heat was rising in the room, which you know 199 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,520 Speaker 1: is usually a good thing because you're getting closer to 200 00:12:17,559 --> 00:12:21,880 Speaker 1: the topic of relevance. I know facilitators who you know, 201 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,280 Speaker 1: count to three. It seems like an eternity, but they 202 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,720 Speaker 1: just count to three before they say anything. And the 203 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,520 Speaker 1: other thing is it doesn't often have to be silenced, 204 00:12:30,559 --> 00:12:35,960 Speaker 1: but if people start arguing or start it starts getting hot, 205 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,760 Speaker 1: just to simply allow it. It shouldn't be abusive, but 206 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:44,439 Speaker 1: just to simply not let your own conflict aversion stop 207 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,520 Speaker 1: important conversation. So one of the things I've seen is 208 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,720 Speaker 1: in organizations that I've worked with and different leaders, is 209 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,400 Speaker 1: it's very difficult to have a culture or a team 210 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:59,040 Speaker 1: that doesn't mirror the people in charges relationship to conflict. 211 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:02,320 Speaker 2: I want to now we're sitting cure because you're speaking 212 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,520 Speaker 2: at TED. And I feel like when I read The 213 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,280 Speaker 2: Art of Gathering last year, which was one of my 214 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:09,880 Speaker 2: favorite books of last year, I love it. It's very practical, 215 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,679 Speaker 2: like it's like there's a big idea throughout, but it's 216 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,439 Speaker 2: very practical. It's got so many practical tips to make 217 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:19,040 Speaker 2: gatherings better. And I was curious, what has been your 218 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:22,680 Speaker 2: approach to creating a TED talk around something given TED 219 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,240 Speaker 2: talks and not how to talks, yet it's such an 220 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,120 Speaker 2: amazing how to process for creating a great gathering. So 221 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 2: what's been your process? 222 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,959 Speaker 1: I mean, my process has been I think, like many speakers, 223 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,880 Speaker 1: I have probably like ninety eight versions, you know, V 224 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:40,160 Speaker 1: ninety eight and a word file, and some of it 225 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,400 Speaker 1: has just been My book came out in May, and 226 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:47,920 Speaker 1: I host a lot of my book talks as live experiences, 227 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:52,200 Speaker 1: so I facilitate conversations in the room, and so I 228 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,559 Speaker 1: hear a lot from audiences, I think a lot more 229 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,840 Speaker 1: than most traditional book talks. And I listened to and 230 00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,679 Speaker 1: I thought back over the last year of what were 231 00:13:59,679 --> 00:14:01,600 Speaker 1: the most. What were the questions I heard most often? 232 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,320 Speaker 1: What were the examples that most resonated when people email me? 233 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,040 Speaker 1: What are the things that they say most changed the 234 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:12,880 Speaker 1: perspective on gathering? And so first just you know, wrote 235 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:16,960 Speaker 1: a list of various different examples and insights down. I 236 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:20,080 Speaker 1: tend to talk through my thinking rather than to write 237 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,040 Speaker 1: through my thinking. So I recorded myself kind of giving 238 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,960 Speaker 1: lots of different versions of a TED talk on my 239 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,960 Speaker 1: phone on voice memo, and then listen back and notice 240 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:34,720 Speaker 1: when when a sentence or language would work. And then 241 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:37,880 Speaker 1: you know, you get a certain allotment of minutes, and 242 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,520 Speaker 1: the TED talk format had you know, when a few 243 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:45,960 Speaker 1: years ago, eighteen minutes for many organizations was a pretty 244 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:50,800 Speaker 1: radical number. You know, most talks the default assumption was 245 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,280 Speaker 1: an hour, right or thirty minutes, which is like a 246 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: really long time to talk. And now most talks the 247 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,600 Speaker 1: longest is eighteen minutes, and most talks from nine to 248 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:05,520 Speaker 1: twelve minutes. And so the really the biggest challenge is 249 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,840 Speaker 1: figuring out what do I most want to say in 250 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:13,360 Speaker 1: my case in nine minutes. That helps people begin to 251 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:16,560 Speaker 1: gather differently. That's a that's a nice way to frame it. 252 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:20,720 Speaker 1: I like that, And what's your approach to managing. 253 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 2: Nerves, like, because I imagine you know, it's a nerve 254 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,840 Speaker 2: wreaking experience giving ted talk, what I imagine you would 255 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,160 Speaker 2: be in a lot of nerve wreaking experience just speacause 256 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,840 Speaker 2: of your job. So, like, what are your god chate strategies? 257 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,760 Speaker 1: But the first is, and I don't mean this facetiously, 258 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,800 Speaker 1: to practice and practice and practice and get in front 259 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,240 Speaker 1: of as many groups and as many rooms as you can. 260 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 1: So my nerves have gone down over the years the 261 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:48,000 Speaker 1: more gatherings I've facilitated, but that's not necessarily helpful in 262 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:51,880 Speaker 1: the short term. So the first is ahead of time, 263 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,040 Speaker 1: I physically make sure that I'm feeling good. I drink 264 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,360 Speaker 1: a lot of water. I do a lot of breathing 265 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:01,400 Speaker 1: exercises that different coaches have taught me over the years. 266 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,040 Speaker 1: A huge one of my speaking coaches a woan named 267 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:09,200 Speaker 1: Gina Barnett, and she always says that that your breath 268 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,280 Speaker 1: is the source of all voice, Like it's very, very, 269 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,120 Speaker 1: very important to manage your breath. 270 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,920 Speaker 2: And so what is an example of a breathing exercise 271 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,920 Speaker 2: that you would do, Like, is there one in particular 272 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,560 Speaker 2: that you tend to go to or like. 273 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,400 Speaker 1: I tend to just sit quietly and breathe slowly through 274 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,720 Speaker 1: my nose and the next health through my mouth, maybe 275 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:29,880 Speaker 1: five times breathing and slowly and you know, counting to five, 276 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,880 Speaker 1: holding it in an exhaling, counting to five. I drink 277 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:36,800 Speaker 1: water a lot. And the other thing is, I know 278 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,720 Speaker 1: it's been debunked or it's at least controversial. It is 279 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,080 Speaker 1: that power poses by Amy Cutty. It really helps me 280 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,600 Speaker 1: before I go into any type of facilitation or in 281 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,280 Speaker 1: most contexts, I'll go into a bathroom, I'll go somewhere 282 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,480 Speaker 1: and I'll stand on my I'll stand very ground on 283 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,880 Speaker 1: my feet, and I'll breathe and I'll get physically big, 284 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:57,120 Speaker 1: and it it centers me. And for me, it helps 285 00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:04,800 Speaker 1: me center and feel uh, physically strong. And I'm a facilitator, 286 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:08,199 Speaker 1: and so my body really matters even more than you know, 287 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:10,480 Speaker 1: a talking head. And so when I can get my 288 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:14,119 Speaker 1: nerves and feel very physically present in my you know, 289 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:17,479 Speaker 1: in my actual physical body, that's very helpful. And then 290 00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,119 Speaker 1: the last thing is, you know, psychologically, I had a 291 00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:22,159 Speaker 1: friend who told me that when she walked on the stage, 292 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,440 Speaker 1: she youd take a deep breath and just say love, love, love, 293 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,639 Speaker 1: and it and it just kind of helped her remember 294 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:34,080 Speaker 1: like to come from love. That was for her speaking. 295 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,400 Speaker 1: And I think the other thing is to know when 296 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,880 Speaker 1: you when you're writing or talking or speaking about work 297 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:43,240 Speaker 1: you deeply care about, to think about what you're doing 298 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:46,360 Speaker 1: as a gift and to not hoard your gift. 299 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,359 Speaker 2: And given we I here TED, I want to know, 300 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,439 Speaker 2: like from the perspective of a gathering, I mean, this 301 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:55,120 Speaker 2: is a massive gathering for two thousand people, Like what what? 302 00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:59,760 Speaker 2: What are the things that TED as a company I 303 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:03,080 Speaker 2: get gets really right when it comes to the gathering 304 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,960 Speaker 2: that we're in at the moment. And also on the 305 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,639 Speaker 2: flip side, like are the things that you'd change to 306 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:08,600 Speaker 2: make it a bet a gathering? 307 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 1: So I think I think TED is relatively clear on 308 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,320 Speaker 1: its purpose. And I say this as an observer, you know, 309 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:24,280 Speaker 1: and as a visitor, and I don't And I think 310 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:28,880 Speaker 1: that their core purpose is to help ideas worth spreading 311 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:35,320 Speaker 1: spread and from that perspective, they are masters of the 312 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:40,600 Speaker 1: form of getting speakers ready, figuring out the topic, figuring 313 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,560 Speaker 1: out how to what the right allocation of time is, 314 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,280 Speaker 1: which is actually quite a talent. Some people they have 315 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:49,359 Speaker 1: to figure out what is the best how long does 316 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,320 Speaker 1: that idea need, which for within any organization is a 317 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:57,480 Speaker 1: fascinating skill to develop, right and then to develop the 318 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:00,359 Speaker 1: talk in a way and create the audience experience and 319 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,680 Speaker 1: the speaker experience and all the technology that makes it 320 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,200 Speaker 1: really a ritual. And I think one of the things 321 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,080 Speaker 1: one of the reasons TED the Ted talk has spread 322 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,040 Speaker 1: around the world, not just you know, because of exquisite 323 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:14,560 Speaker 1: media region, because of ted x's, but it's because they 324 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,879 Speaker 1: know who they are and they know who they're not, 325 00:19:17,119 --> 00:19:19,720 Speaker 1: and that there is a form to it and whether 326 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,680 Speaker 1: it's however long the time period is, you know, the 327 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,840 Speaker 1: majority of confidences I've been to now have some place 328 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,439 Speaker 1: where someone's like, you know, giving a little TED talk 329 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,600 Speaker 1: quote unquote. That's a pretty big impact on a culture. 330 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,840 Speaker 1: And so I think they're clear on their purpose and 331 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:38,280 Speaker 1: they organize around that purpose. And I think over the years, 332 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,600 Speaker 1: you know, this is actually my first TED, but I 333 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,040 Speaker 1: think over the years they've started to think about, in 334 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,359 Speaker 1: terms of the gathering, what else to focus on, in 335 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:47,240 Speaker 1: terms of the inter stitching beyond the. 336 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,280 Speaker 2: Experience of the talks. 337 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,040 Speaker 1: And I think and you know, they would they would 338 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,440 Speaker 1: say this as well. I think they are still figuring out, 339 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,840 Speaker 1: as so many organizations are, is beyond their kind of 340 00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:01,400 Speaker 1: their core ritual of this talk. How much to facilitate 341 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:05,000 Speaker 1: and organize the interactions between the people there, and how 342 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,919 Speaker 1: much to allow it to self organize, how much to 343 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:11,720 Speaker 1: help people collide and meet that wouldn't necessarily meet, and 344 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,960 Speaker 1: how much to trust that people know who they want 345 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,800 Speaker 1: to meet, and how much when there's a power dynamic 346 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,960 Speaker 1: in that, which is true in every human interaction, do 347 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,600 Speaker 1: you allow that to perpetuate or do you want to 348 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,359 Speaker 1: interrupt it? And I think those are the questions every 349 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:28,400 Speaker 1: gatherer has. 350 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:29,840 Speaker 2: And the key is not. 351 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,520 Speaker 1: To have those questions or to not, but is to 352 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:34,640 Speaker 1: consciously ask them. 353 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,719 Speaker 2: And I guess, like if you were taking over running 354 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,639 Speaker 2: TED twenty twenty, like, what is one change that you 355 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:43,600 Speaker 2: would make to make it an even better gathering? 356 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:50,480 Speaker 1: I would think I would create more experiments for live 357 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 1: audience exchange in the actual conference, meaning within the TED talk. 358 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:00,480 Speaker 1: So right now, the structure is usually six, you know, 359 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,280 Speaker 1: five or six talks per session. The speaker speaks out 360 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:08,000 Speaker 1: and the audience listens and supports and collaps and you know, 361 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,359 Speaker 1: is challenged and there are different formats the Audacity Project. 362 00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:13,600 Speaker 1: If you saw that there's different you know it's it's 363 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:18,520 Speaker 1: literally to raise money for these specific ideas. But I 364 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 1: think I would experiment more with live conversation with the 365 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:26,639 Speaker 1: get with the with the audience in real time like 366 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,600 Speaker 1: three what means like a facilitator. Getting people to type 367 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,360 Speaker 1: something in on a phone is great and is one 368 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:37,639 Speaker 1: form of it, but facilitating live conversation is riskier and 369 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,480 Speaker 1: it doesn't need to be recorded. This is literally just 370 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:42,320 Speaker 1: about the offline gathering, but is to see what does 371 00:21:42,359 --> 00:21:44,359 Speaker 1: it look I'm very interested in the question of what 372 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:48,040 Speaker 1: does it look like to speak to talk collectively. I 373 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,760 Speaker 1: am doing various events around the US, and I think 374 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:55,000 Speaker 1: of them as kind of reinventing the town hall. And 375 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:56,760 Speaker 1: I'll have three hundred people in a room, four hundred 376 00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:58,800 Speaker 1: people room, or sometimes three thousand people in the room 377 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,840 Speaker 1: and facilitate live conversations. You need to have the technology 378 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,480 Speaker 1: for it. Where I asked a question and people respond 379 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,800 Speaker 1: to one another, they respond to me, they and you 380 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,880 Speaker 1: begin to learn collectively how do you think and talk 381 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,639 Speaker 1: and listen together? And I think TED would be an 382 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,199 Speaker 1: amazing place to try something like that. 383 00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:17,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, I kind of just ask what technology you're using 384 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:18,840 Speaker 2: to physicize. 385 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,840 Speaker 1: Right now, it's just simply a bunch of microphones. So 386 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:25,960 Speaker 1: there's a conference called The Arena, which is trying to 387 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,080 Speaker 1: get young people to run for office in the United States, 388 00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:31,080 Speaker 1: and in September they housted their gathering at the Philadelphia 389 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,359 Speaker 1: Convention Center, and so for my I had I think 390 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,200 Speaker 1: ninety minutes with four hundred and fifty people, and instead 391 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:38,800 Speaker 1: of having them all in rows like they were for 392 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,640 Speaker 1: the rest of the gathering, I asked them to put 393 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,959 Speaker 1: them in concentric circles, so humongous circles. But we did 394 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,720 Speaker 1: it in the main convention center, and so for that 395 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,080 Speaker 1: I was miked up. And then we had various people 396 00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:53,159 Speaker 1: running around with mics and you know, a lot of 397 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:56,679 Speaker 1: I think a lot of fascinating gathering doesn't have to 398 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,880 Speaker 1: be extremely complicated technologically. 399 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,040 Speaker 2: We probably had six mics. Wow, that sounds amazing. Now 400 00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:04,440 Speaker 2: I need to let you get to address rehearsal. Pria, 401 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,119 Speaker 2: thank you so much for your time, Thank you for 402 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,800 Speaker 2: having me, Thanks so much for listening. I hope you 403 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,240 Speaker 2: enjoyed my chat with Prea. And I just think that 404 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,920 Speaker 2: she's just such a marvelous woman. If you want to 405 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:19,400 Speaker 2: find out more about Prea, you can head to Preaparker 406 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:23,159 Speaker 2: dot com. That's p r I y A Parker p 407 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,960 Speaker 2: A r k e r dot com and she writes 408 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,320 Speaker 2: a fantastic newsletter which you might want to sign up 409 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,320 Speaker 2: to on her website. And if you haven't read the 410 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:36,680 Speaker 2: Art of Gathering, I just so highly recommend it. It's 411 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,360 Speaker 2: such a fascinating book and I guarantee that it will 412 00:23:39,359 --> 00:23:43,400 Speaker 2: get you thinking about gatherings in your own life very 413 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:47,600 Speaker 2: very differently. So that is it for today as usual. 414 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:50,720 Speaker 2: If you're enjoying how I work, tell people about it, 415 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:55,159 Speaker 2: write a review, make your views known, and I will 416 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,359 Speaker 2: see you next time.