1 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,400 Speaker 1: Hello and welcome. This is episode eleven of the Happy 2 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,399 Speaker 1: Families podcast. My name is doctor Justin Colson and this 3 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:18,079 Speaker 1: is the podcast dedicated to making your family happier. I've 4 00:00:18,079 --> 00:00:20,239 Speaker 1: taken a few months, in fact, I've taken the best 5 00:00:20,239 --> 00:00:22,080 Speaker 1: part of a year away from the podcast, but it 6 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:25,120 Speaker 1: is back and assuming everything goes well, you should now 7 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,240 Speaker 1: be hearing from me every fortnight as we play around 8 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:32,840 Speaker 1: with ideas for making your family happier. In this week's podcast, 9 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 1: do you know someone who's always right? They can't be 10 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:41,760 Speaker 1: convinced otherwise even when they're absolutely wrong. Or to start 11 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,680 Speaker 1: off this podcast, we're going to get a little bit 12 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:45,760 Speaker 1: deep and we're going to investigate how we do this 13 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:50,519 Speaker 1: as parents and what it does to our children. I 14 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:53,000 Speaker 1: hope that you're open to exploring a little bit inside 15 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:57,280 Speaker 1: yourself today and considering how you see the world, because 16 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,279 Speaker 1: this one will be a little bit of a bit 17 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 1: of a challenge to look inside and have that level 18 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:06,679 Speaker 1: of self awareness. Some tough stuff to consider. And do 19 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:10,240 Speaker 1: you ever find yourself telling porky pies little lies to 20 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:13,760 Speaker 1: your children? Well, one mum has told her daughter a 21 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:16,840 Speaker 1: big one and she's asked me for some advice in 22 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:20,199 Speaker 1: doctor Justin's three minute therapy. I'm going to talk about 23 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:24,399 Speaker 1: why we should never lie to our children. Shortly plus, 24 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:27,600 Speaker 1: since this podcast is all about making your family happier, 25 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,759 Speaker 1: I'm going to share some ideas about how to have 26 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,480 Speaker 1: more fun with the kids. Simple things that you can 27 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:35,600 Speaker 1: do to have more fun that take minimal energy but 28 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:39,160 Speaker 1: provide hopefully maximum joy. That's to wrap things up a 29 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,120 Speaker 1: little later in the podcast, But next, let's take a 30 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:44,920 Speaker 1: look at how open we are to the possibility that 31 00:01:45,319 --> 00:01:47,480 Speaker 1: we might be wrong as parents. 32 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:53,520 Speaker 2: Are you endlessly nagging, shouting, pleading, threatening and demanding that 33 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,640 Speaker 2: your children behave Do you live in a dictatorship where 34 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,480 Speaker 2: the kids are in charge? Time Out is Not Your 35 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:03,880 Speaker 2: Only is an ebook with discipline strategies and ideas that work, 36 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,880 Speaker 2: and they work without you carrying a load of parental 37 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:11,400 Speaker 2: guilt around all day. No more yelling, threatening, bribing or timeouts. 38 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:14,080 Speaker 2: From day one, you'll notice the difference in your children, 39 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,720 Speaker 2: and they'll notice the difference in you. Time Out is 40 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 2: Not Your Only Option by Doctor Justin Coulson, Available as 41 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:24,120 Speaker 2: an ebook and an audiobook at Happyfamilies dot com dot au. 42 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 1: Some time ago, I coached a family that were really 43 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: struggling in their relationships. The two parents were at each 44 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:34,920 Speaker 1: other constantly. The wife saw her husband as selfish and 45 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:41,000 Speaker 1: aggressive and narcissistic, and look, the guy wasn't perfect. He 46 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:45,120 Speaker 1: potentially was all of those three things. Interestingly, however, she 47 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:49,720 Speaker 1: was not willing to see whether he might be something else. 48 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,120 Speaker 1: So for a few weeks I watched as he did 49 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: absolutely everything that he could be, unselfish and patient and 50 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,480 Speaker 1: focused on hearing his wife and responding to her needs, 51 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,160 Speaker 1: and failed several times. There's no doubt, but from what 52 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:07,760 Speaker 1: I saw there was genuine, marked improvement. But his wife 53 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:12,400 Speaker 1: refused to see it because to do so would have 54 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,400 Speaker 1: meant that she would no longer be justified in her 55 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,400 Speaker 1: anger towards him. If he was changing, if he was 56 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: becoming better, then that meant that she had to be 57 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 1: in the wrong because she was still mad at him. 58 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:26,720 Speaker 1: And there's something compelling about being angry, isn't there? If 59 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 1: he was changing or improving, it meant that she couldn't 60 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 1: hold herself up as the pinnacle of righteousness and goodness 61 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 1: and relational rightness. It meant that she would have to 62 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 1: reevaluate their relationship and the way that they interacted. But 63 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,360 Speaker 1: she was getting so much mileage out of being right 64 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:50,200 Speaker 1: and him being wrong, So our sessions together were full 65 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 1: of finger pointing, I'm right, he's wrong. There was no 66 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,600 Speaker 1: acknowledgment of any of his efforts. There was no acknowledgment 67 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,720 Speaker 1: of any of his improvements, because that would have meant 68 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,440 Speaker 1: to her that she was giving up round. So instead 69 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 1: she'd say, well, that's fine, but what about when you 70 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 1: did this? And what about when you did that? And 71 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,880 Speaker 1: she just couldn't get past it. She was not able 72 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:13,720 Speaker 1: to prevent the mistakes that were derailing the relationship because 73 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:18,640 Speaker 1: she was so attached to being right, to being justified 74 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,040 Speaker 1: in her own behavior, and I guess also to being mad. 75 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,600 Speaker 1: And I've seen this happen with parents as well, parents 76 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:30,279 Speaker 1: of toddlers, parents of kids, parents of teenagers. It's particularly 77 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:34,000 Speaker 1: true of parents of teenagers. We get annoyed at our 78 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,440 Speaker 1: teen for something, we label them a nuisance. Our favorite 79 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,560 Speaker 1: fun word in our family is a little punk. Stop 80 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,880 Speaker 1: being a little punk. But we labeled them a little 81 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:45,240 Speaker 1: punk or or something far worse than that. And once 82 00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:50,640 Speaker 1: we've labeled them and we've gotten involved in that process, 83 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:54,960 Speaker 1: what happens then is that we insist on being right 84 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 1: about everything, and the teen gets something wrong in our 85 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:03,280 Speaker 1: eyes and come down hard and fast because there's such rotten, 86 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:08,719 Speaker 1: punky nuisances. I love this quote. It says why we 87 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:13,040 Speaker 1: should all admit and embrace being wrong. Attachment to our 88 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:17,720 Speaker 1: own rightness keeps us from preventing mistakes when we absolutely 89 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:21,200 Speaker 1: need to, and it causes us to treat each other terribly. 90 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: It's by Catherine Schultz in something called on being Wrong. 91 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,120 Speaker 1: Let me read it again because it needs a little 92 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:30,719 Speaker 1: bit of thought. Why we should all admit and embrace 93 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:36,039 Speaker 1: being wrong because attachment to our own rightness keeps us 94 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:41,000 Speaker 1: from preventing mistakes when we absolutely need to and causes 95 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,560 Speaker 1: us to treat each other terribly. Se we become so 96 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,320 Speaker 1: attached to being right that we fail to see the 97 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,880 Speaker 1: possibility that we could be wrong, and that's devastating to 98 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 1: family life. The husband who insists that the dishes have 99 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,479 Speaker 1: to be cleaned a certain way, or the mother who 100 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,799 Speaker 1: gets her children in trouble for doing something but won't 101 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,800 Speaker 1: hear their side of the story. Maybe you've been there. 102 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:04,560 Speaker 1: You start your pre prepared speech about how you children 103 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,440 Speaker 1: never listen. I told you to do this, and I 104 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 1: told you to do that and you haven't done any 105 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:11,680 Speaker 1: of it, And then oh, your oldest explains that they 106 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:15,560 Speaker 1: stopped to help someone, or offers a beautiful explanation for 107 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:19,480 Speaker 1: why your demands weren't carried out. When we can't admit 108 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:23,040 Speaker 1: that we're wrong, we continue to make mistakes, we continue 109 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,160 Speaker 1: to get caught up in defending our pride, and ultimately 110 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 1: we cause harm to the people that we're supposed to 111 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:35,239 Speaker 1: love the most. So an insistence on being right leads 112 00:06:35,279 --> 00:06:38,040 Speaker 1: to us treating other people really, really badly. What can 113 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,039 Speaker 1: we do instead, Well, I recommend a couple of things. 114 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:45,200 Speaker 1: First of all, we can ask ourselves could I be wrong? 115 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:50,960 Speaker 1: That one question changes everything. Second, let me recommend perspective taking. 116 00:06:51,279 --> 00:06:54,360 Speaker 1: When someone does something that we don't like, we could 117 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:58,240 Speaker 1: pause and consider why they did it, what do they believe, 118 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:00,800 Speaker 1: what's going on in their mind? And a titleer told 119 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,400 Speaker 1: me the little girl kept on getting out of bed 120 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,560 Speaker 1: to talk to her, but she wouldn't listen. She kept 121 00:07:04,839 --> 00:07:07,400 Speaker 1: just go to bed. You know, this title was supposed 122 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,520 Speaker 1: to be in bed and asleep, And the little girl 123 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:13,680 Speaker 1: just sobbed and sobbed. But Mum, in her mind, I'm right, 124 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,480 Speaker 1: it's her bedtime. It's late, and so she used to 125 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,640 Speaker 1: power in her authority to force her to bed, and 126 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,320 Speaker 1: a short while later, this poor little toddler was sick 127 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,400 Speaker 1: all over the pillow and the mattress and the douner 128 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,559 Speaker 1: and the floor. But she was so scared of leaving 129 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:31,800 Speaker 1: her room again that she stayed in the vomit all night. 130 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,480 Speaker 1: And it wasn't until the next morning that this mother 131 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,520 Speaker 1: walked into the room and saw what had happened, and 132 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:40,920 Speaker 1: she felt terrible because suddenly she realized that she had 133 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,720 Speaker 1: been wrong. The night before, there was a father of 134 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,840 Speaker 1: a teenager. He had a fight with his daughter and 135 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,360 Speaker 1: they screamed names at each other and slammed doors and 136 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 1: stomped feet, and the father actually got quite physical with 137 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,640 Speaker 1: his daughter. He hit her, he pushed her against a wall, 138 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 1: and as we counseled together, I recommended that he'd do 139 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: whatever it takes to restore the relationship, and he refused. 140 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: He said, she started it with her attitude. She's the 141 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:08,240 Speaker 1: one that needs to apologize to me. I'm right, she's wrong. 142 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:13,640 Speaker 1: He needed her to refuse to apologize so that he 143 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:17,160 Speaker 1: could continue to be angry and justify that anger. He 144 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,680 Speaker 1: needed to wait for her to apologize or to refuse 145 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:23,640 Speaker 1: to apologize, because that was why he was allowed to 146 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,040 Speaker 1: be mad while ever she was doing the wrong thing. 147 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,920 Speaker 1: He could feel good about himself because he was the 148 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,760 Speaker 1: victim here. Hey, I'm not responsible. 149 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:31,240 Speaker 2: She is. 150 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,760 Speaker 1: She's the one that started it, and of course, as 151 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,880 Speaker 1: the victim, he justifies himself in calling her names, being prideful, 152 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,760 Speaker 1: and giving her the silent treatment because it's not his fault. 153 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,480 Speaker 1: She started it, and what does that do to her? Well, 154 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,400 Speaker 1: she feels victimized. He's my dad. Sure I did the 155 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,560 Speaker 1: wrong thing, but you would too if he was always 156 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:52,840 Speaker 1: treating you like that. And the cycle continues because she 157 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 1: feels like that she behaves badly. Because she's behaving badly, 158 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,800 Speaker 1: he feels like that he behaves badly to her. She 159 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,720 Speaker 1: feels horrible, so she behaves badly, and it goes on 160 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,800 Speaker 1: and on and on. So let go of the attachment 161 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:10,640 Speaker 1: to being right. Instead, be curious, be caring, and be compassionate. 162 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:14,720 Speaker 1: After all, what matters most being right or having a 163 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,880 Speaker 1: relationship with someone you love. I teach my kids that 164 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,760 Speaker 1: there's four steps to every apology, and we should all 165 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:25,440 Speaker 1: memorize them. First, say sorry. Second, explain why you're sorry. Third, 166 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:30,920 Speaker 1: describe how your action affected someone. Fourth, ask forgiveness. Am 167 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,840 Speaker 1: I go like this, I'm sorry. I got pig headed 168 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,679 Speaker 1: and I refused to listen and it made you feel 169 00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:38,720 Speaker 1: like your feelings and your perspective didn't matter. Will you 170 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:42,880 Speaker 1: forgive me? Apologizing isn't always about being right or being 171 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 1: wrong either, by the way, Sometimes it's about saying I 172 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,920 Speaker 1: value this relationship more than I value my ego, and 173 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,800 Speaker 1: I'm willing to do what it takes to make this 174 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 1: relationship right. It's amazing what statements like that can do 175 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,800 Speaker 1: to make your family happier. And remember, be over to 176 00:09:57,840 --> 00:09:59,559 Speaker 1: the possibility. Like I said, that you might be wrong, 177 00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:02,280 Speaker 1: because if you like me, it happens more than you 178 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:06,640 Speaker 1: might like to admit. Now, based on what we've just shared, 179 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,559 Speaker 1: let me ask you a question. Does this inspire you 180 00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:12,480 Speaker 1: this idea or does this idea frighten you? Have you 181 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:15,560 Speaker 1: ever thought about how your need to be justified means 182 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,680 Speaker 1: that you can't be wrong It has to be the 183 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 1: other person. I know it's a kind of a heavy topic, 184 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,000 Speaker 1: but I'd like to know what you think. Leave your 185 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:26,559 Speaker 1: answer at Justinculson dot com, slash podcast, slash eleven. As 186 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,520 Speaker 1: in the number eleven. I'm really interested to hear your 187 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:33,559 Speaker 1: thoughts up next three minute therapy with a mum who 188 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,640 Speaker 1: has told a big lie to her daughter. 189 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,679 Speaker 3: Parenting is the most important thing we will ever do, 190 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,280 Speaker 3: so it's important that we get it right. But with 191 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:46,440 Speaker 3: so much pressure, demands and advice, it's hard to know 192 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,760 Speaker 3: what our children really need. Using the very best scientific 193 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,080 Speaker 3: research and then turning it into an easy to read 194 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,199 Speaker 3: book and CD, What your Child Needs from You helps 195 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:59,319 Speaker 3: you connect with, understand, and teach your children in meaningful ways. 196 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:02,720 Speaker 3: What's your Child Needs from You by Doctor Justin Coulson 197 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,839 Speaker 3: is the parenting book that offers the solutions to make 198 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:08,559 Speaker 3: you a better parent and help your family to be happier. 199 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:12,680 Speaker 3: Available in paperback or CD at Happyfamilies dot com dot AYU. 200 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,680 Speaker 1: So in today's three minute Therapy, I've got an email 201 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 1: that well, it's a big challenge, a mum writes, Hi, 202 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 1: Doctor Justin. I'm divorced and my six year old lives 203 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:25,360 Speaker 1: with her dad. He recently got married, but my daughter 204 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:29,400 Speaker 1: does not know about our divorce. We live in different cities, 205 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,760 Speaker 1: so we told her that we have jobs in different 206 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,440 Speaker 1: cities and that's why we live separately. How can I 207 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:39,200 Speaker 1: tell her about her second parent? She's so confused. What 208 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,040 Speaker 1: should I explain to her? I'm so confused and upset 209 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,520 Speaker 1: about how I can make her understand the whole situation. 210 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:48,880 Speaker 1: My ex doesn't understand how to explain this to our child? 211 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:53,280 Speaker 1: Please help? This is my response. It's a bit of 212 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:55,719 Speaker 1: a tough one. First thing I thought as I read 213 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:59,040 Speaker 1: this request was the famous couplet from Marmion. You may 214 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,400 Speaker 1: be familiar with it. What a tangled web we weave 215 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:06,680 Speaker 1: when first we practice to deceive. It seems that we 216 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,840 Speaker 1: live in a world where people are well. I think 217 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,320 Speaker 1: Doctor House said it best. You remember the House TV 218 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,720 Speaker 1: show Everybody Lies. We live in a world where everybody's lying. 219 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,680 Speaker 1: There's a regular deception everywhere we turn, and the reasons 220 00:12:18,679 --> 00:12:22,080 Speaker 1: are many and varied. But it seems to me that parents, 221 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,920 Speaker 1: in particular, light of their kids a fair bit. The 222 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,120 Speaker 1: reasons that I see parents like with their kids usually 223 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:30,280 Speaker 1: fall into a handful of pretty obvious categories. We're trying 224 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,120 Speaker 1: to protect our children from info that might hurt them, 225 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:36,040 Speaker 1: or we're trying to manipulate their behavior. You know, if 226 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 1: you don't be a good boy, Sanda won't come that 227 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,160 Speaker 1: sort of thing, or we're hiding things from them, like 228 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,200 Speaker 1: when they ask what are you eating and we quickly 229 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,160 Speaker 1: swallow the chocolate that we were sneaking and we say nothing, 230 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:49,240 Speaker 1: I'm not eating anything at all. So these responses often, 231 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,920 Speaker 1: not always, but often they're well meaning, but they're not 232 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:55,000 Speaker 1: what our children need to hear from us as their parents. 233 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:59,000 Speaker 1: So my suggestion is pretty simple, tell her the truth. 234 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:03,240 Speaker 1: Here's five reasons that honest accounts. Number One, children whose 235 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,720 Speaker 1: parents light to them are shown in research to be 236 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,880 Speaker 1: significantly more likely to lie. We set the example monkey 237 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:13,480 Speaker 1: see monkey do. Second, telling lies deprives children of the 238 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,280 Speaker 1: opportunity to grow and develop through the adversity that we're 239 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,320 Speaker 1: protecting them from by lying. Now, we don't need to 240 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,959 Speaker 1: do a whole data dump and tell them the whole 241 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,760 Speaker 1: truth about everything in one massive load. They need us 242 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:28,839 Speaker 1: to deliver the truth in age appropriate ways, but they 243 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,480 Speaker 1: need us to tell them the truth, and lying is 244 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:35,000 Speaker 1: only going to offer short term relief. Third, lies can 245 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,120 Speaker 1: actually create worse anxiety and pain for the child than 246 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:41,199 Speaker 1: being told the truth. Let me put you in your 247 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:44,400 Speaker 1: child's shoes for a moment. Motivation for this mum has 248 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:47,520 Speaker 1: naturally been to protect her daughter. But how confusing has 249 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:50,240 Speaker 1: this situation become? And when she does see one of 250 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:53,439 Speaker 1: her parents being what she deems is unfaithful to the 251 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,960 Speaker 1: other parent by spending time with the new spouse, what's 252 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,720 Speaker 1: she going to be thinking. So while there might be 253 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:02,920 Speaker 1: some sort of short term protection from dishonesty, ultimately truth 254 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,960 Speaker 1: demands her dues. The anxiety and the confusion that come 255 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,920 Speaker 1: from dishonesty bring a burden that I think is much 256 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:15,040 Speaker 1: heavier than the short term alleviation of pain might justify. Okay, 257 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 1: here's the fourth reason that honesty counts. If your child 258 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:20,400 Speaker 1: lied to you, then you would probably punish your child 259 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,120 Speaker 1: for that dishonesty. So aside from the fact that research 260 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:26,080 Speaker 1: shows that punishing children doesn't work, especially when we punish 261 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:29,120 Speaker 1: them for lying, we expect our kids to tell the truth. 262 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,840 Speaker 1: We need to do the same thing. We wouldn't accept 263 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:35,040 Speaker 1: dishonesty from them. We should have the same standard applied 264 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,080 Speaker 1: to ourselves. And finally, at fifth, and I think perhaps 265 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 1: the most poignant of all, When we lie to our children, 266 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:44,360 Speaker 1: we're actually lying to ourselves. We might say I'm lying 267 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:48,000 Speaker 1: to protect my child, but the truth is we're lying 268 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,400 Speaker 1: to protect ourselves. We don't want to see the look 269 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,400 Speaker 1: of pain in our child's eyes. We don't want to 270 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,160 Speaker 1: see that look of betrayal as we tell them something 271 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,880 Speaker 1: that we know is going to hurt them. So we're 272 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:01,600 Speaker 1: acknowledging in the very essence of our lie that we 273 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,520 Speaker 1: don't want to deal with the distress or the anger 274 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,640 Speaker 1: or the confusion that they're going to feel if we're 275 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:09,160 Speaker 1: honest with them. So our lives are actually betraying our 276 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,680 Speaker 1: personal pride. They teach our children that it's not okay 277 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,320 Speaker 1: to be vulnerable, they teach our children that they can't grow, 278 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,240 Speaker 1: and they harm our children. So what do we do 279 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:22,480 Speaker 1: about all of this? Well, our children don't need to 280 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:27,160 Speaker 1: hear the full truth in all its uncensored glory for 281 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:31,040 Speaker 1: every question that they have. They need us to be truthful, 282 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:33,680 Speaker 1: but they need us to respond in an age appropriate way. 283 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:37,120 Speaker 1: So let's say a couple is separating. Parents should be 284 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:41,040 Speaker 1: truthful about this with their children, but the degree of 285 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:44,280 Speaker 1: disclosure regarding the separation depends on how old the child is. 286 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,440 Speaker 1: You probably don't want to discuss issues that might injure 287 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,720 Speaker 1: a child's relationship with one parent or the other. If 288 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:55,640 Speaker 1: infidelity or pornography or gambling or drugs are the cause 289 00:15:55,680 --> 00:16:00,880 Speaker 1: of the split, then the parents might divulge they're separating 290 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,920 Speaker 1: because they didn't treat each other well and leave it 291 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 1: at that. The extent to which additional information is shared 292 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,800 Speaker 1: might change as the child gets older. We don't have 293 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:13,720 Speaker 1: to share everything with our kids. We just need to 294 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,600 Speaker 1: tell them the truth in age appropriate ways. So I'd 295 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,760 Speaker 1: like to hear from you. Go to Justin Coulson dot com, 296 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:23,080 Speaker 1: slash podcast slash eleven, like the number eleven and tell 297 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:26,000 Speaker 1: me do you agree with me? Should we always be 298 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,960 Speaker 1: honest with our children in age appropriate ways? Or do 299 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,480 Speaker 1: you think that it is okay to tell a few 300 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:31,960 Speaker 1: white lives here and there are even a couple of 301 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,520 Speaker 1: big porky pies to protect them. Leave your answer at 302 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:39,600 Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot a U slash podcast slash eleven. 303 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:42,400 Speaker 1: That's happy families dot com dot U slash podcast slash 304 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,880 Speaker 1: eleven and I'll be back in a second with a 305 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,920 Speaker 1: parenting idea for making your family happier and a couple 306 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,560 Speaker 1: of really exciting announcements. 307 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:54,040 Speaker 2: Doctor Justin Coulson is one of Australia's most respected parenting voices. 308 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:57,640 Speaker 2: His seminars have equipped and empowered thousands of parents to 309 00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:00,960 Speaker 2: make their families happier. But sometimes getting to a parenting 310 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,480 Speaker 2: seminar can be tough. There's work and other commitments. Then 311 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:08,000 Speaker 2: there's the issue of the children and babysitters. Now you 312 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:11,120 Speaker 2: can watch one of doctor Justin's seminars from the comfort 313 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,680 Speaker 2: of your own home and at a time that works 314 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,920 Speaker 2: for you. Sit in on one of doctor Justin's parenting 315 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,960 Speaker 2: seminars as he takes you from confusion to clarity. You'll 316 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,640 Speaker 2: learn how to build a strong connection with your children, 317 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:27,240 Speaker 2: how to really understand them, and how to get discipline right. 318 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,840 Speaker 2: What your child needs from you. A seminar from doctor 319 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 2: Justin Coulson. Download this ninety minute seminar now or purchase 320 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,960 Speaker 2: the DVD at happy families dot com dot Au. 321 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,800 Speaker 1: Okay, that's pretty much all there is for the podcast today, 322 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,440 Speaker 1: but I do want to make mention of a couple 323 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:45,359 Speaker 1: of quick announcements. First off, if you've got to happy 324 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:48,040 Speaker 1: families dot com dot Au, you'll be able to check 325 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,159 Speaker 1: out my brand new program and book, twenty one Days 326 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,720 Speaker 1: to a Happier Family. You can download the book and 327 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,399 Speaker 1: the program and get started right away on making your 328 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:59,520 Speaker 1: family happier in twenty one days. If you just want 329 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:01,920 Speaker 1: to get the book, it's available online, or you can 330 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,160 Speaker 1: go into pretty much anywhere that sells books and get 331 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,400 Speaker 1: a copy. It's published by HarperCollins and it is everywhere. 332 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,480 Speaker 1: Exciting news as well is that it's being released in 333 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,880 Speaker 1: the US and the UK later this year, so even 334 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,760 Speaker 1: overseas people will be able to get hold of it. 335 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,280 Speaker 1: Twenty one days to a Happier Family. It's my brand 336 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,960 Speaker 1: new book and I'm thrilled to be able to tell 337 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,480 Speaker 1: you about it. Plus the program all online at Happy 338 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:28,440 Speaker 1: Families dot com dot IU. Second announcement. Throughout the next 339 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,960 Speaker 1: couple of months, I'm going to be traveling and speaking 340 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:34,240 Speaker 1: all over the place, off to New Zealand. I'm in Melbourne, 341 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:39,119 Speaker 1: I'll be in Adelaide, Sydney, Brisbane, and a handful of 342 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:43,400 Speaker 1: other places around around Australia. Lots of my seminars will 343 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,600 Speaker 1: be open to the public, so check out my Facebook 344 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,000 Speaker 1: page for updates if you'd like to see me live 345 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 1: and work out how to make your family happier, and 346 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 1: I'd love to come to your place as well. I 347 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,800 Speaker 1: speak in schools and it functions all over the country, 348 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,439 Speaker 1: so if you'd like me in your community chat with 349 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:01,200 Speaker 1: the decision makers. Send me an email info at Justincoulson 350 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:03,600 Speaker 1: dot com. I'd love to come and make an impact 351 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:08,399 Speaker 1: speaking about parenting and wellbeing for staff, students and families. Okay, 352 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,399 Speaker 1: let's wrap this up. I've got a fun and simple 353 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,520 Speaker 1: idea for you to get more out of family time. 354 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,320 Speaker 1: One of the things that my kids love to do 355 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:18,440 Speaker 1: is go cardboard box sliding. It's really simple. We grab 356 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,000 Speaker 1: a big cardboard box, we sit on it at the 357 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,160 Speaker 1: top of a really big steep hill, and we slide 358 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,600 Speaker 1: down the hill. Hill has got to be steep. If 359 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,800 Speaker 1: it's not steep enough, then you'll pretty much just stay still. 360 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,760 Speaker 1: Or you can put strips of cardboard on the grass 361 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,159 Speaker 1: and slide your piece of cardboard over the top of 362 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,640 Speaker 1: all of those pieces of cardboard. But a good steep 363 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,280 Speaker 1: hill is best. You won't believe how much fun the 364 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,800 Speaker 1: kids will have and you'll have fun as well. It 365 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:43,000 Speaker 1: might be something that you can try this weekend. Well 366 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,120 Speaker 1: that's pretty much all we've got time for this week. 367 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,199 Speaker 1: Thank you for listening. If you have any questions that 368 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,960 Speaker 1: you'd like answered, go to Happy Families dot com dot 369 00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:52,880 Speaker 1: you slash questions and I'll do my best to answer 370 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,960 Speaker 1: you in an upcoming podcast. You can leave an email 371 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,119 Speaker 1: there for me, And if you've enjoyed this episode, you 372 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,439 Speaker 1: can find the outline and the resource li in the 373 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,720 Speaker 1: show notes at happy families dot com dot. I use 374 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:07,439 Speaker 1: slash podcast slash eleven as in the number eleven. And 375 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,480 Speaker 1: if you think that the podcast has made your family happier, 376 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,600 Speaker 1: or if you think it could make other people's family happier, 377 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,280 Speaker 1: I'd be stoked. If you visit happy families dot com 378 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:19,440 Speaker 1: dot I use slash podcast slash eleven, you'll find a 379 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:21,840 Speaker 1: pre populated Twitter or Facebook post that you can share 380 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:24,120 Speaker 1: with your friends and your followers, and you can get 381 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:26,440 Speaker 1: the word out about the podcast, or you can rate 382 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,640 Speaker 1: it on iTunes. It's your ratings that determine how likely 383 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:32,159 Speaker 1: it is that people will discover the podcast. The ratings 384 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,000 Speaker 1: at what increase the visibility of the podcast and help 385 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,640 Speaker 1: other people to find out how I can help them 386 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:40,200 Speaker 1: to make their families happier. And quite frankly, I want 387 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,720 Speaker 1: to make this the best parenting podcast in the world. 388 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,840 Speaker 1: I need your ratings on iTunes to be able to 389 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:48,000 Speaker 1: do that. Please please do that and subscribe on iTunes 390 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,480 Speaker 1: as well, well that's it for this week. I'll have 391 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,480 Speaker 1: another podcast ready to go for you a bit in 392 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,040 Speaker 1: a fortnight. We'll be talking about five ways to know 393 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,840 Speaker 1: if your relationship with your children or anyone in the 394 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:01,719 Speaker 1: family is in trouble. Till then, remember you don't have 395 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,040 Speaker 1: to be the best parent in the world. You just 396 00:21:04,119 --> 00:21:06,640 Speaker 1: have to be the best parent in your children's world.