1
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,080
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

2
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,119
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

3
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:14,360
Speaker 2: Now, it's not because your teenager is dumb. And let's

4
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,760
Speaker 2: not say that the brain is not sufficiently developed. It's

5
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,640
Speaker 2: not sufficiently mature, but it's actually overdeveloped. There's too much

6
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,720
Speaker 2: going on up there in the brain. And you know what,

7
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:24,840
Speaker 2: they only just stop things when they're around their friends.

8
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:28,480
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

9
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:29,040
Speaker 1: and dad.

10
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:32,680
Speaker 2: Hello, it's doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy Families

11
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:38,520
Speaker 2: dot com dot au. I'm laughing because, well, I'm being criticized.

12
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:41,760
Speaker 2: I'm not sitting up straight and tall. I'm slouching at

13
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:45,080
Speaker 2: my seat. Missus Happy Families has just walked into the room,

14
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,880
Speaker 2: left the door open. I've got the heater on. It's

15
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,120
Speaker 2: so cold. I hate winter. Come and tell you how

16
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:50,880
Speaker 2: much I hate winter.

17
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:52,760
Speaker 3: Bring on the violins.

18
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:58,480
Speaker 2: I can't believe you're doing this. You're sitting there in

19
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,320
Speaker 2: a T shirt. It doesn't make make sense to me, Kylie.

20
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:05,480
Speaker 2: This week we've had some conversations about parenting myths. I

21
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,840
Speaker 2: think they've been really great conversations. Yesterday, in an amazing

22
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:11,080
Speaker 2: discussion with James Anderson about growth, mindset ideas and how

23
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:12,840
Speaker 2: we've got these myths in our heads about how our

24
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:16,160
Speaker 2: brains work. Today, we don't have time for anything except

25
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:17,720
Speaker 2: to get straight into the myths. We have four of

26
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,840
Speaker 2: them that we're supposed to talk about in this podcast,

27
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:24,560
Speaker 2: and they're all absolute crackers. So myth number one that

28
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:25,039
Speaker 2: we should be.

29
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:27,400
Speaker 3: Able to continue doing all of the things that we

30
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,280
Speaker 3: did before children after we have them.

31
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,000
Speaker 2: That's going to make some parents laugh straight away because

32
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,720
Speaker 2: they know it's not true. Except I think when we

33
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:38,319
Speaker 2: had our first baby, other than the fact that it

34
00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:40,319
Speaker 2: took a whole lot longer to get in the car

35
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:43,360
Speaker 2: and get going because of nappies and nappy bags and

36
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:46,080
Speaker 2: all the prep, I don't think that our lives did

37
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:48,160
Speaker 2: our lives change enormously with baby number one.

38
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:50,400
Speaker 3: No, I don't think they did. And even with baby

39
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,320
Speaker 3: number two, we had a three year gap between baby

40
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,120
Speaker 3: one and baby two. So I feel like, you know,

41
00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:59,320
Speaker 3: we've kind of got into a good rhythm and we

42
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,360
Speaker 3: were able to kind of function, But baby number three

43
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:03,840
Speaker 3: was a game changer.

44
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,920
Speaker 2: Before we get to baby number three, though, I got

45
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,840
Speaker 2: to question the premise of this whole thing, like there

46
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,320
Speaker 2: is an idea that we should be able to do

47
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,840
Speaker 2: all the things that we were doing before we had

48
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,520
Speaker 2: a baby. Everyone knows that's not true, and yet we

49
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,280
Speaker 2: still try to do it. But why, Like, when you

50
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,280
Speaker 2: have a baby, you don't have a baby so that

51
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,080
Speaker 2: life can stay the same, or do you?

52
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:20,919
Speaker 3: I think, for me, and I can only speak for

53
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:25,400
Speaker 3: me personally, when I gave birth, I became a mother,

54
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:30,600
Speaker 3: but I also a daughter and a wife and a

55
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:34,800
Speaker 3: person who has interests that take me out of the home.

56
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,680
Speaker 3: For some of us, we are employees or we're an employer,

57
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:45,639
Speaker 3: and when we add mother to our list in some ways,

58
00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:50,480
Speaker 3: it actually is all encompassing and takes in all of

59
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:55,200
Speaker 3: those other roles, and sometimes we find ourselves kind of

60
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,919
Speaker 3: wondering who we are because we lose a lot of

61
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:05,000
Speaker 3: those other interests as a result of the magnitude of

62
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,280
Speaker 3: responsibility that's placed on our shoulders as a parent.

63
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:08,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, I get where you're going with that, and it

64
00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:11,919
Speaker 2: makes sense, I guess from an identity point of view,

65
00:03:11,919 --> 00:03:13,799
Speaker 2: I do. But from an efficiency point view, like you

66
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,760
Speaker 2: don't have children and expect that life will be efficient

67
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,280
Speaker 2: and that you're going to be able to get things

68
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:20,120
Speaker 2: done easily.

69
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,640
Speaker 3: I think that in theory we understand that life is

70
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:29,040
Speaker 3: going to change, but I think that on the ground practical, yeah,

71
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:29,280
Speaker 3: I guess.

72
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,280
Speaker 2: I mean, you don't holiday the same way with kids

73
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:32,680
Speaker 2: that you do without as soon as.

74
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:36,200
Speaker 3: You have I don't think you ever realized just how

75
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,760
Speaker 3: life changing you don't have a child will be.

76
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,480
Speaker 2: You don't breakfast the way that you did, you don't

77
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,240
Speaker 2: sleep the way that you did, you don't eat prepare food.

78
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,440
Speaker 2: You're right, you don't do anything the way that you did,

79
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,880
Speaker 2: But it's not until you have the baby that you

80
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,600
Speaker 2: realize just how much it and.

81
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,640
Speaker 3: Depending on your child's temperament, the challenges that that might

82
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,800
Speaker 3: arise as a result of, you know, feeding challenges or

83
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:59,840
Speaker 3: sleep challenges like it. Just there are so many varied possibilities.

84
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,480
Speaker 2: So so the myth is that we should be able

85
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:04,400
Speaker 2: to do the kinds of things that we did before

86
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:08,800
Speaker 2: babies when we do have babies. But you just you can't.

87
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,320
Speaker 2: Not if you want to give yourself.

88
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:13,200
Speaker 3: To the road for a time, you can, probably, but.

89
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:14,800
Speaker 2: Not if you want to give yourself to the role fully,

90
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,360
Speaker 2: not when your sleeps disturbed and all those kinds of things,

91
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,120
Speaker 2: unless you're bringing in outside help, unless you're going to

92
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,040
Speaker 2: ignore some of the very significant real needs of your

93
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:28,040
Speaker 2: child or delegate them to somebody else. If you're going

94
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,000
Speaker 2: to be the primary career of your child, or one

95
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:31,960
Speaker 2: of the primary careers of your child, then your life

96
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,920
Speaker 2: is going to change. And it's a myth that you

97
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,440
Speaker 2: shouldn't expect that people who say no, no, We're going

98
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,719
Speaker 2: to do it all on a routine. It's all going

99
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:39,880
Speaker 2: to work out, and I'm going to be able to

100
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,240
Speaker 2: do all the stuff that I did. Just it's not realistic,

101
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:43,719
Speaker 2: is it.

102
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,240
Speaker 3: It really isn't. And I think that as a mum

103
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,440
Speaker 3: of three children, having gone through baby number one, baby

104
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:52,119
Speaker 3: number two and feeling like not much changed and then

105
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:58,000
Speaker 3: recognizing that all of a sudden I was completely incapacitated.

106
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,400
Speaker 3: I actually stopped being able to do any think for

107
00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,479
Speaker 3: a time because I pretty much had a mental breakdown.

108
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,880
Speaker 3: It was so intense. And I've watched mums over and

109
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,080
Speaker 3: over again go through the same process, desperately trying to

110
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,600
Speaker 3: kind of keep their identity of who they were before

111
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:16,839
Speaker 3: while adding this full time job to an already full

112
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:22,320
Speaker 3: time life and falling to pieces. And I just wish

113
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,920
Speaker 3: that we understood that it's okay for things to change,

114
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,360
Speaker 3: and just because they're changing doesn't make them better or worse,

115
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:29,280
Speaker 3: it just is.

116
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:31,520
Speaker 2: Well. I guess that kind of leads into the next

117
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,719
Speaker 2: myth that we want to discuss, and we'll probably do

118
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,560
Speaker 2: it fairly briefly because there's not a lot more to

119
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,240
Speaker 2: add to what we've already said. But the myth that

120
00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:40,000
Speaker 2: when you have kids, they just need to follow your routine,

121
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,000
Speaker 2: they need to fit in with your life. There's a

122
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,039
Speaker 2: myth that you can actually get your kids to fit

123
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,039
Speaker 2: in with your life. Yep, And I think we can

124
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,320
Speaker 2: pop that straight away, because kids aren't interested in your

125
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,520
Speaker 2: life and they're not interested in any that when you

126
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:55,839
Speaker 2: try to get them to do that, it requires something

127
00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,600
Speaker 2: that I don't think. I think it's superhuman and not natural.

128
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:01,640
Speaker 3: Look, putting a disclaimer, it took me six children to

129
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,560
Speaker 3: actually learn this. I've had so many parents over the

130
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,440
Speaker 3: years just say let your baby sleep, and it's like, well, no, actually,

131
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:08,960
Speaker 3: I've got to go and do the groceries and I've

132
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,719
Speaker 3: got to do this, and you just get them up

133
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,080
Speaker 3: and you take them out and you do what you've

134
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,599
Speaker 3: got to do. And it wasn't until baby number six

135
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:18,240
Speaker 3: that I realized if I just let her sleep and

136
00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:20,080
Speaker 3: do what I need to do in her wake time.

137
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:24,600
Speaker 3: My whole world changed. It was a completely different process.

138
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,160
Speaker 3: She was a calmer baby, I was a calmer mum,

139
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:31,320
Speaker 3: And while I didn't have the high energy impact life

140
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:35,200
Speaker 3: that I had been living beforehand, it actually was such

141
00:06:35,279 --> 00:06:37,560
Speaker 3: a beautiful time to rejuvenate.

142
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,960
Speaker 2: It's kind of a little advertisement for slow parenting. Yeah,

143
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,760
Speaker 2: because were not slow people. We never slowed down, but

144
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:47,760
Speaker 2: when we did have our little baby girl, Emily, our

145
00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:52,159
Speaker 2: last one, we've definitely or you definitely slowed down. I

146
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,320
Speaker 2: don't know how to do that, but you definitely slowed

147
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,560
Speaker 2: down and it made a difference. So myth number one

148
00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:59,279
Speaker 2: that we should be able to do everything that we

149
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:03,160
Speaker 2: did before once kids come along just not realistic. And

150
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:07,560
Speaker 2: we need to accept that there are limitations and boundaries

151
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,560
Speaker 2: on how far we can go, what we can do,

152
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,120
Speaker 2: and how it's all going to work, at least until

153
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,800
Speaker 2: they get a lot older and they start to function

154
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,040
Speaker 2: a lot more like adults. And when I say a

155
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,120
Speaker 2: lot older, I'm not talking four or five, or six

156
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:23,160
Speaker 2: or even seven. I'm talking twelve, thirteen, fourteen, And they

157
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,360
Speaker 2: still interrupt your life in all kinds of crazy ways.

158
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,200
Speaker 2: And the second idea that kids should follow our routine.

159
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,960
Speaker 2: It's just not going to happen after the break. Two

160
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,960
Speaker 2: myths that I can't wait to talk about. The first

161
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,240
Speaker 2: one that it should be easy to love your kids,

162
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:42,000
Speaker 2: and then the myth that all teens and that cases.

163
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,360
Speaker 2: Your daughter just walked by, eyes glued to her phone,

164
00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:51,360
Speaker 2: expression unreadable. You ask her to put it down, but

165
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:54,080
Speaker 2: she balks. You know it's not good for her, but

166
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:57,640
Speaker 2: you're not sure why or how to support better choices.

167
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:01,400
Speaker 2: In the webinar pixel perfect, I joined with psychologists and

168
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:05,200
Speaker 2: teen tech expert Jocelyn Brewer to discuss how to set

169
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,480
Speaker 2: screen boundaries that work for you and your daughter. Check

170
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,160
Speaker 2: out pixel Perfect now on The Happy Family's webshop.

171
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,200
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Famili's podcast, the podcast for the time

172
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:17,120
Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now And I'm wondering,

173
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:19,000
Speaker 3: has it been easy to love our kids?

174
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:25,120
Speaker 2: Yes? Yes for me? For me, it has. But I

175
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,720
Speaker 2: didn't love them the instant that I met them.

176
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:32,920
Speaker 3: In every case they're squishy face. It wasn't.

177
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:35,640
Speaker 2: It wasn't that I distinctly remember it with baby number one.

178
00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:37,920
Speaker 2: I mean things got easier with subsequent children. I kind

179
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,240
Speaker 2: of understood the role of father a lot more. But

180
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,720
Speaker 2: with baby number one, I've read stories about how when

181
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,000
Speaker 2: a dad holds his baby for the first time or

182
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,880
Speaker 2: sees that birth for the first time, and he just

183
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,000
Speaker 2: changes him forever. He knows that things are different now.

184
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:53,920
Speaker 2: And yet with baby number one, and even with baby

185
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,160
Speaker 2: number two, I remember I was actually pretty keen to

186
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,360
Speaker 2: get back to work. It's like, Okay, well, I've stayed

187
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,800
Speaker 2: up all night, I've supported you, but I'm just going

188
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:04,280
Speaker 2: to get back to life now. And I know that

189
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,000
Speaker 2: you're going to be at home and have to do

190
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,520
Speaker 2: whatever you've got to do as mum, but I've got

191
00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:09,800
Speaker 2: stuff to do. It didn't really change me at all.

192
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,679
Speaker 2: And it took me time to get used to having

193
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,960
Speaker 2: this other body, this other human in our space, in

194
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:15,760
Speaker 2: our home.

195
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,679
Speaker 3: Or even sharing that other body with me.

196
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,400
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, and not being able to get access

197
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,880
Speaker 2: to you and you being exhaust and all that kind

198
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:24,800
Speaker 2: of thing. And I'm not even talking about anything sort

199
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,480
Speaker 2: of romantic or intimately. I'm just I just mean being

200
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:32,400
Speaker 2: able to be in our partnership together, in our marriage together.

201
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,439
Speaker 2: It took ages for me to really feel like, oh,

202
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,679
Speaker 2: this is my daughter, this is our daughter, but she's

203
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,520
Speaker 2: also my daughter and I'm crazy about her. I was

204
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,960
Speaker 2: not crazy about our kids initially when they came on,

205
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:46,920
Speaker 2: Certainly the first couple. I got better and better at

206
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,840
Speaker 2: it over time, but I still found them an impediment,

207
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:53,280
Speaker 2: an annoyance. I found them frustrating. It's only been the

208
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,640
Speaker 2: last couple of kids that I've absolutely cherished and embraced

209
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,400
Speaker 2: it all and loved them from the minute I met them.

210
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,680
Speaker 2: Not probably the last three kids. First three not so much.

211
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,400
Speaker 2: And I don't know if it's because it's who I am,

212
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,120
Speaker 2: or if it's a process that we all go through

213
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,679
Speaker 2: as parents, but having more kids has been the best

214
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,440
Speaker 2: thing for me in terms of learning how to love

215
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,720
Speaker 2: them and embrace them and cherish them.

216
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:19,040
Speaker 3: What about you, I think for me, having gone through

217
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:22,240
Speaker 3: the physical changes that take place as you actually grow

218
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:28,040
Speaker 3: a child, there's instant love and as soon as that

219
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:33,360
Speaker 3: baby's placed on my chest, there's just this, this is mine.

220
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,840
Speaker 2: And I've watched that happen with you.

221
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:35,440
Speaker 1: Yeah.

222
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,480
Speaker 3: I remember the two that send out to me the

223
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:43,040
Speaker 3: most number baby number one. She I was so tiny

224
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,600
Speaker 3: back then and she was micheline Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

225
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,720
Speaker 3: And I literally looked at her and looked at my

226
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,040
Speaker 3: little body and couldn't worked out where she'd come from

227
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:54,560
Speaker 3: because she was she took up. I couldn't even roll

228
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,640
Speaker 3: her into a ball to fit her in a space

229
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,880
Speaker 3: where she should have been like. It was just it

230
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:03,800
Speaker 3: was amazing. And I don't think I really slept for

231
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,720
Speaker 3: five days straight because I just couldn't take my eyes

232
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,000
Speaker 3: off her. It was the most amazing experience. And then

233
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,480
Speaker 3: going through a completely different experience with baby number five

234
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:21,160
Speaker 3: and having a caesarean emergency caesar, and having this being

235
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:24,280
Speaker 3: placed on me, but not actually understanding where she'd really

236
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,680
Speaker 3: come from because I hadn't gone through the process that

237
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,680
Speaker 3: I had with the previous four, and so she was

238
00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:31,520
Speaker 3: probably the one that I struggled to kind of just

239
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,160
Speaker 3: connect with the most, just in that initial stage. But

240
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,280
Speaker 3: I was really grateful I had a beautiful midwife and

241
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,600
Speaker 3: she just refused to let that baby leave my side,

242
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,160
Speaker 3: And so for three hours while I waited in recovery,

243
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,600
Speaker 3: she was on my chest so important so I was,

244
00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:46,160
Speaker 3: And so by the end of that time there was

245
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:50,119
Speaker 3: that deep connection, But that initial kind of was very.

246
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:53,679
Speaker 2: Alien like I remember having a conversation with a mum

247
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,640
Speaker 2: quite a number of years ago who said that she

248
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,960
Speaker 2: had a seven year old her eldest child of three.

249
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,600
Speaker 2: She said she really loved and connected with and found

250
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,720
Speaker 2: the children number two and three absolutely the light of

251
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:07,040
Speaker 2: her life, but she felt like she'd never connected with

252
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,400
Speaker 2: child number one, just never connected. And we see this stuff,

253
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:14,520
Speaker 2: whether it's with postinality depression or whether it's just temperaments

254
00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:17,800
Speaker 2: and individual differences. But if you're a parent who doesn't

255
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:21,040
Speaker 2: feel like you're connecting with your child, please understand it

256
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,600
Speaker 2: is a myth that you should connect with your child,

257
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,920
Speaker 2: especially from the very instant. Sometimes these connections take time

258
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:31,800
Speaker 2: to grow, Sometimes they require especially interventions. Sometimes connections are

259
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,520
Speaker 2: just stronger with some individuals than with others. And it's

260
00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:37,679
Speaker 2: a myth that because your blood, yeah, that it's going

261
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,520
Speaker 2: to be easy to love your kids. I mean, one

262
00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:42,520
Speaker 2: of our children right now for me is particularly not

263
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,680
Speaker 2: easy to love that. I'm the parenting expert on the

264
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,000
Speaker 2: parenting podcast saying that I'm struggling to love one of

265
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,800
Speaker 2: our kids. But I don't think it's love. I think, well, well,

266
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,000
Speaker 2: I love her and cherished deeply, but I'm really struggling

267
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,400
Speaker 2: with her. I don't know, and I agree it because

268
00:12:56,400 --> 00:13:01,280
Speaker 2: she's so obstinate and dishonest, and there are so many

269
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,880
Speaker 2: things going on with this kid right now which only

270
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,760
Speaker 2: requires more of us. It's not a reason to turn

271
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:07,360
Speaker 2: away from her.

272
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,480
Speaker 3: It's interesting. I just read a friend put a post

273
00:13:09,559 --> 00:13:12,440
Speaker 3: up today and she just acknowledged that with her youngest

274
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:16,280
Speaker 3: she feels like, unless she's rewriting history, she has never

275
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,680
Speaker 3: connected with a child as much as she's connected with

276
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:21,320
Speaker 3: this one. And then, just as she kind of has

277
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,600
Speaker 3: thought about it a bit more deeply, she said, I

278
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,960
Speaker 3: wonder if it's because she's the child that's challenged me

279
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,640
Speaker 3: the most. She's the one that's actually I've had to

280
00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:34,480
Speaker 3: work so hard to understand her. And then the acknowledgment

281
00:13:34,559 --> 00:13:36,840
Speaker 3: that isn't that what all relationships should be like. The

282
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:40,920
Speaker 3: more energy we put into them, the greater the outcome

283
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,240
Speaker 3: and the benefit of that.

284
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,840
Speaker 2: So that's what's remarkable. The more you put in, even

285
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,800
Speaker 2: if you're not getting anything back from them, that does

286
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,200
Speaker 2: something to you. It changes your heart.

287
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:53,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's about turning towards your child.

288
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,480
Speaker 2: Beautiful all right. The last myth, We've only got a

289
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,480
Speaker 2: minute for it because our time is running out. Teens

290
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,120
Speaker 2: as stupid is the final myth, and I just I

291
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:03,640
Speaker 2: did a webinarch. I'm sure that's not true, a webinar

292
00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:05,560
Speaker 2: a couple of weeks ago. I have to have to

293
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,480
Speaker 2: pop this myth. If you're a parent of a teenager

294
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,400
Speaker 2: who is doing things that do not make sense, things

295
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:13,640
Speaker 2: that are unwise, unsafe, unhealthy, it's not because your teenager

296
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:17,160
Speaker 2: is dumb. And let's not say that the brain is

297
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:21,440
Speaker 2: not sufficiently developed. It's not sufficiently mature, but it's actually overdeveloped.

298
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:23,120
Speaker 2: There's too much going on up there in the brain.

299
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,320
Speaker 2: And you know what, they only do stupid things when

300
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:28,080
Speaker 2: they're around their friends. And not all teens do this.

301
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,200
Speaker 2: Like when you look at the statistics, most teens get

302
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:35,840
Speaker 2: through their adolescent years relatively unscathed, without doing anything particularly crazy,

303
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:39,560
Speaker 2: anything breathtakingly harmful. Most teens manage to get through their

304
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:43,680
Speaker 2: adolescent years in pretty safe, pretty healthy, reasonably wise ways.

305
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,520
Speaker 2: And in fact, research shows that adolescents, so long as

306
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:50,080
Speaker 2: they're not hanging out with dumb friends, adolescents are just

307
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:53,720
Speaker 2: as intelligent as adults and are just as capable of

308
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:59,000
Speaker 2: putting together strong rational arguments or reasons for or against something.

309
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,720
Speaker 3: So I think for me, I would actually be more concerned,

310
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,480
Speaker 3: if my kids weren't pushing against the boundaries, if they

311
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:12,440
Speaker 3: weren't kind of trying things, And I just I love

312
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:16,880
Speaker 3: the energy that our teenagers have and love I love

313
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:21,400
Speaker 3: that they're able to live life without fear. You know,

314
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:25,520
Speaker 3: as an adult, you become so much more concerned and

315
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:30,080
Speaker 3: risk averse, and we don't take those big jumps and

316
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:34,480
Speaker 3: leaps in life that youth often will not because they're

317
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:39,360
Speaker 3: being negligent or it's kind of like, if I jump,

318
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:42,680
Speaker 3: what's the worst thing that can happen? I fall on

319
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:43,880
Speaker 3: my bum and I get back up.

320
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:45,960
Speaker 2: They don't metaphorically speaking of.

321
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,840
Speaker 3: They don't see all of the pitfalls that could possibly happen.

322
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:55,200
Speaker 3: That experience and maturity often make us focus.

323
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,680
Speaker 2: On more and in it typically developing healthy psychologically healthy

324
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,600
Speaker 2: out lesson. You're exactly right. We're seeing an increase in

325
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,960
Speaker 2: mental health issues for young people, which reduces the joy

326
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,520
Speaker 2: and the spark and the energy and all those things

327
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,840
Speaker 2: that you're describing, but in normal circumstances, In typical circumstances,

328
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:17,160
Speaker 2: you're absolutely right. So there are four myths to bust.

329
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,720
Speaker 2: That means we've busted. I think what eight myths this

330
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,280
Speaker 2: week about parenting. I hope you've really enjoyed the conversation

331
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,320
Speaker 2: and if you can think of any other myths that

332
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,720
Speaker 2: need to be discussed, maybe even need to be busted,

333
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:31,000
Speaker 2: we'd love for you to let us know. Podcasts at

334
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:35,280
Speaker 2: Happy families dot com dot AU Tomorrow it's our O'll

335
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,040
Speaker 2: do better Tomorrow episode. The Happy Families podcast is produced

336
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,520
Speaker 2: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our

337
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,560
Speaker 2: executive producer. We love so much that you choose to

338
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,360
Speaker 2: spend your time with us each day listening to the

339
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,360
Speaker 2: Happy Families Podcast. We really hope that you're getting something

340
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,920
Speaker 2: out of it, and if you are, if you could

341
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,720
Speaker 2: leave us a five star rating and review on your

342
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,200
Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts app It only takes about fifteen seconds and

343
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:58,360
Speaker 2: it helps other people to find out about the podcast,

344
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,760
Speaker 2: discover how it can make their families happier and all

345
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,200
Speaker 2: that jazz. If you would like more info about how

346
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,840
Speaker 2: you can make your family happier, please join us at

347
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,359
Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot e