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Speaker 1: More and more parents are telling me that their children

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Speaker 1: are emotionally disregulated. What does it mean? How do we

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Speaker 1: help our children develop self regulation? Hold together, keep it cool?

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Speaker 1: That is our conversations today on the Happy Families podcast

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Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions Every day on Australia's most download parenting podcast,

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Speaker 1: we are Justin and Kylie Coulson. One of the big

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Speaker 1: conversations that I've been having recently with one of our children,

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Speaker 1: I won't say which one because I don't want to

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Speaker 1: embarrass anybody, has involved two words emotional regulation. Unfortunately, I

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Speaker 1: often remind her of it Kylie at the very time

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Speaker 1: that she's disregulated, and she doesn't respond kindly. Has anyone

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Speaker 1: ever told you to regulate better when you've been a

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Speaker 1: bit upset?

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Speaker 2: I was just thinking about the fact that as parents,

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Speaker 2: we're really worried about our kids' inability to be self regulated.

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Speaker 2: But I'm wondering how many of us are actually very

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Speaker 2: good at doing the same thing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we've all got that blind spot, haven't we. Would

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Speaker 1: you just regulate yourself?

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Speaker 2: Seriously?

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Speaker 1: If I've told you once, I've told you one thousand times,

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Speaker 1: and off we go.

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Speaker 2: I know this is probably a silly question. But we

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Speaker 2: talk about it all the time, this idea of self regulation.

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Speaker 2: What exactly are you talking about.

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Speaker 1: I don't think it's a silly question at all. If

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Speaker 1: you were to try to define it, and you hadn't

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Speaker 1: sat down and looked at a definition, it would be

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Speaker 1: pretty tricky. I mean people would say it's holding it together,

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Speaker 1: I guess would be the really easy way to define it.

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Speaker 1: My definition of emotion regulation is the ability to either

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Speaker 1: express your emotions or suppress your emotions in an appropriate

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Speaker 1: way for the context, so that you can achieve goals

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Speaker 1: that really do matter to you. And this is a

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Speaker 1: really big deal. Like some people say, you shouldn't have

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Speaker 1: to regulate your emotions, you should be allowed to be

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Speaker 1: your authentic self. I think that's a terrible idea. We

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Speaker 1: have to be well socialized, we have to be regulated.

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Speaker 1: There are times where it's absolutely necessary. If you don't regulate,

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Speaker 1: you usually upset people and it doesn't play out well

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Speaker 1: at all.

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Speaker 2: Well. The challenge is especially when it comes to relationships.

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Speaker 2: I think about our frustration and our anger and our

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Speaker 2: hurt is like this big bucket of black tar inside me.

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Speaker 2: And if I decide to be my authentic self in

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Speaker 2: any given moment, I'm literally just spewing that black tar

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Speaker 2: all over the recipient, whoever it happens to be. How

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Speaker 2: do I ever think that that is going to benefit

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Speaker 2: our relationships?

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Speaker 1: A moment of truth, I mean, let's turn the podcast

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Speaker 1: into some therapy for a moment. Literally last night I

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Speaker 1: was exhausted. I've damaged my knee, so I'm not able

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Speaker 1: to move and get around the way I want to.

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Speaker 1: We had dinner like two hours late. The kids were

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Speaker 1: up late. You've been so flat out with a responsibility

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Speaker 1: that you've taken on that we kind of haven't seen

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Speaker 1: you for days. It's almost like it's become a full

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Speaker 1: time job, but it's all volunteer work and you're not

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Speaker 1: being paid for it or anything. And I miss you.

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Speaker 1: We're not connecting. And finally at a at nine fifteen pm,

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Speaker 1: I told you how I was really feeling because instead

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Speaker 1: of talking to me, you'd laid down the bed and

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Speaker 1: looked at your phone, and I was just like ah,

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Speaker 1: and I did not regulate that is my goal. My

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Speaker 1: actual goal was I miss you and I want to

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Speaker 1: connect with you. I want to be close to you.

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Speaker 1: I really want to just spend time in your presence

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Speaker 1: and soak you up and love everything about the fact

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Speaker 1: that we're married and we love one another. And I

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Speaker 1: expressed it really, really ineffectively. I didn't express it appropriately

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Speaker 1: for the context, and it did not help us to

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Speaker 1: get towards that goal that I had of connecting with you.

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Speaker 1: It drove disconnection. Our children are just as clumsy, and

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Speaker 1: they've got more excuses about it than I do, because

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be ahd in psychology and I'm not

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Speaker 1: supposed to make those mistakes.

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Speaker 2: But here's here's the interesting thing. We're so focused on

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Speaker 2: helping our kids to be self regulated, and I wonder

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Speaker 2: how many of us actually spend the time working on

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Speaker 2: ourselves to be regulated.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and we need it for social reasons. We need like,

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Speaker 1: let's say our kids. Let's go back to the kids

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Speaker 1: for a sec. Our kids are playing a game and

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Speaker 1: they know they get the snake. They're playing snakes and ladders,

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Speaker 1: or they're playing checkers or chess, or they're on a

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Speaker 1: screen playing a game with their friends, and things start

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Speaker 1: to work out poorly. Now, their goal is partly to

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Speaker 1: win the game, but more than that, to have fun,

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Speaker 1: to have fun with their friends. But what happens is

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Speaker 1: they get a bit emotional because things aren't going so

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Speaker 1: well on the game. Because they're emotional and the game's

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Speaker 1: not working out, what do they do. They they fail

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Speaker 1: to regulate and they have a dummy spit, throw the

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Speaker 1: toys out of the cot and instead of keeping the

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Speaker 1: rules and waiting and losing well, which are all I guess,

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Speaker 1: emotional suppression tactics because the long term goal is good relationships,

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Speaker 1: they blow up and all go well, the bottom falls out.

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Speaker 1: It just goes pear shaped. Some people will say, we

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Speaker 1: shouldn't be teaching our kids to mask their emotions and

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Speaker 1: to suppress their emotions, like these are really loaded terms,

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Speaker 1: And I'm laboring this point because if our children can't

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Speaker 1: suppress their emotions, they will not function, they won't have

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Speaker 1: good relationships, they won't function well in class. So academically

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Speaker 1: they'll struggle because if they're not able to work something out,

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Speaker 1: they'll blow up, they'll lose the plot, they'll cry, they'll

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Speaker 1: storm out of the classroom. Rather than regulating their emotions

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Speaker 1: and saying to the teacher, I'm really struggling with this.

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Speaker 1: It's hard. I'm feeling overwhelmed by it. Could you explain

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Speaker 1: it to me one more time. Not that many seven

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Speaker 1: year olds would say it like that, but you get

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Speaker 1: my point. They will be more persistent with tasks. They

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Speaker 1: will do better in life if they learn to regulate

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Speaker 1: their emotions, just like the kids in the marshmallow experiment

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Speaker 1: that Walter Mitchelle did way back in the nineteen sixties.

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Speaker 1: You can have one marshmallow now, or when I leave

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Speaker 1: the room, you can have two. That one hasn't been

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Speaker 1: eaten until I come back. And the kids who regulated well,

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Speaker 1: they got the goodies, and that self control, that self

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Speaker 1: regulation was an asset to them throughout their lives. They

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Speaker 1: did better at school, better in relationships, better with employment,

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Speaker 1: better with finances, better with everything.

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Speaker 2: I think it's really important to recognize and understand though

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Speaker 2: part of that self regulation. In my mind, it's not

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Speaker 2: about withholding emotion. It's actually been able to process emotion.

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Speaker 2: You don't need to verbalize everything that you're experiencing.

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Speaker 1: It's exhausting to be around someone who does in.

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Speaker 2: Every moment to be able to process through it. And

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Speaker 2: I love when our ten year old will have an

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Speaker 2: outburst and she literally takes herself off to a room

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Speaker 2: and within two or three minutes. She comes out and

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Speaker 2: she's like, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to do that.

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Speaker 2: I was just feeling really frustrated.

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Speaker 1: It's interesting that you set our ten year old because

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Speaker 1: emotion regulation begins to develop somewhere around the age of three.

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Speaker 1: So when parents are getting mad at they're under threes,

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Speaker 1: that's on us. We've got to stop getting mad. They

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Speaker 1: don't have the ability to regulate, and it builds from

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Speaker 1: the age of three. Most kids can regulate most of

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Speaker 1: the time by about the age of nine. Most kids

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Speaker 1: most of the time by about the age of nine.

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Speaker 1: So you're saying a ten year old, she's just reached

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Speaker 1: that point where she should be able to regulate most

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Speaker 1: of the time. But if she doesn't, she's got the

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Speaker 1: cognitive bandwidth to calm herself down later and then come

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Speaker 1: back recognizing that she needs to do better in future. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so after the break, Three ways that we can help

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Speaker 1: our kids to regulate their emotions better. Okay, Kylie. Three

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Speaker 1: ways that we can help our children to regulate their

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Speaker 1: emotions better. That is, to suppress them when they should,

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Speaker 1: express them when it's appropriate, and move towards constructive long

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Speaker 1: term achievement.

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Speaker 2: I love all of these, but we'll start with number one.

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Speaker 1: It's a good place to start.

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Speaker 2: Support don't solve. Yeah, this is really important for our

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Speaker 2: kid's sense of autonomy.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's also important for their sense of competence and

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Speaker 1: for building the relationship. So for anyone who's been listening

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Speaker 1: to the pod for a while, you'll know that I'm

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Speaker 1: a big, big proponent of a theory known as self

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Speaker 1: determination theory that says that our kids got three basic

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Speaker 1: psychological needs. They need to feel like they've got a voice,

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Speaker 1: that they can choose what's going on. They need to

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Speaker 1: feel like they're capable and competent, and they need to

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Speaker 1: feel like they're close and connected. When we support don't solve,

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Speaker 1: we tick every box. Because when we're supporting, we're saying, wow,

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Speaker 1: this looks really tough, or you're having a hard time,

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Speaker 1: or I can see how troubled you are, or you

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Speaker 1: walk into the room and you say I can see

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Speaker 1: two really angry kids who look like they want to

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Speaker 1: fight with each other, and I'm here to help. And

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Speaker 1: as soon as you do that, it comes every like

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Speaker 1: the relationship feels good. But then as you support, you say, so,

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Speaker 1: how do we figure this out? Or what's the best

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Speaker 1: way for you empower the kids, so you give them voice, choice,

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Speaker 1: autonom evolition, and you also say, I believe that you've

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Speaker 1: got a brain in your head and you can figure

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Speaker 1: this out, so you're giving them a sense of confidence

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Speaker 1: as well. It's a simple three word solution to emotion

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Speaker 1: regulation that makes all the difference. Support don't solve number two.

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Speaker 2: When we've done the supporting and we're not wanting to

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Speaker 2: solve and they're struggling, let's offer some hints.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you've I think you've got the most beautiful story.

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Speaker 1: It didn't involve one of our children, although I'm sure

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Speaker 1: we could come up with plenty that do. With one

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Speaker 1: of our eldest daughter's.

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Speaker 2: Friends, we had gone over a play date one afternoon

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Speaker 2: and our daughter's friend was in her room sobbing, and

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Speaker 2: her mum stated that she wasn't allowed to come out

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Speaker 2: of her room until she'd cleaned it. She'd been she'd

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Speaker 2: been given the opportunity to clean it all day.

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Speaker 1: No playdate for you until you've done. In our family,

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Speaker 1: I've started saying you don't get the good stuff to

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Speaker 1: you done the hard stuff. The kids hate it. They

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Speaker 1: hate it, but that's the principle ride if you want

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Speaker 1: to have the play day, you've got to do this

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Speaker 1: stuff that's necessary first.

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Speaker 2: So how daughter was itching to hang out with her friend,

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Speaker 2: and I thought I might just go down and have

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Speaker 2: a look and see whether or not I can sweet

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Speaker 2: talk this little girl into getting a room done. When

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Speaker 2: I walked into her room, I knew exactly why she

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Speaker 2: was having an absolute meltdown. You couldn't see the floor.

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Speaker 2: It was a dire, bolical mess for a six year old,

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Speaker 2: complete overwhelm. I don't know about you, but I'm sure

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Speaker 2: that you've experienced jobs where you kind of walk into

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Speaker 2: the room and you go I don't even know where

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Speaker 2: to start. And that's me as an adult. So imagine

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Speaker 2: a six year old child looking at this space going

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Speaker 2: where do I start.

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Speaker 1: And an unsympathetic parentm I look at the child and say, well,

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Speaker 1: you made the mess, and you figured out how to

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Speaker 1: put it all on the floor, so you can figure

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Speaker 1: out how to put it away.

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Speaker 2: I sat in the room with Sarah and I just

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Speaker 2: said to her, era, can you find ten blocks? And

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Speaker 2: she looked at me and she said, uh huh.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's called chunking. Let's just do little chunks

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Speaker 1: here and little.

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Speaker 2: So she picked up ten blocks. I didn't do any

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Speaker 2: of the work. She did it all. But I was

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Speaker 2: able to sit with her, and because I wasn't emotionally

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Speaker 2: attached or involved, I was able to calmly just encourage her,

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Speaker 2: and we had the job done probably in about five

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Speaker 2: to ten minutes, and she was calm, and she was

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Speaker 2: so excited once she'd done, because she obviously could hang

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Speaker 2: out with our door.

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Speaker 1: I done.

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Speaker 2: But so often we just think that our kids have

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Speaker 2: the capacity to do way more than they're capable of,

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Speaker 2: and other times we underestimate their abilities. But in this case,

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Speaker 2: this actually needed mum's involvement.

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Speaker 1: So some people, when I've shared that story have said, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: that's because you were an outsider. You weren't mum. But

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Speaker 1: it works as well when you are the parent, when

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Speaker 1: you step and say I can see how hard this

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Speaker 1: is for you, and I know you're really having a

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Speaker 1: hard time keeping it together. What about if I help

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Speaker 1: You don't actually do the work, you just off of

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Speaker 1: those hints, You provide a little bit of gentle guidance,

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Speaker 1: and that's where the results come. The third one is

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Speaker 1: really simple. One read the room, so if your child

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Speaker 1: is disregulated, have they eaten? What time of day is it?

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Speaker 1: Do they need sleep? Is there any additional stress in

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Speaker 1: their lives? I mean, if we go back to my

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Speaker 1: therapeutic moment a minute ago, I was tired, I was stressed,

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Speaker 1: I was missing you, We'd eaten super super late, and

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Speaker 1: nothing was quite right, and I was disregulated. But if

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Speaker 1: we follow these three things, support, don't solve, offer hints,

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Speaker 1: and read the room, we're going to find that our

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Speaker 1: children will be more regulated. And when they're not.

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Speaker 2: They've got a gentle place to call.

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Speaker 1: So perfectly said, that's to take home message. Be there

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Speaker 1: for them, especially in those moments they need your connection

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Speaker 1: when they quote unquote deserve it the least. Of course,

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Speaker 1: they deserve it all the time because you love them

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Speaker 1: and they're your kids. The Happy Families Podcasts is produced

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Speaker 1: by Justin ruland from Bridge Media. More information and more

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Speaker 1: resources to make your family happy can be found at

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Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot you m hm