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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, the more regular you are with it, the smaller

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Speaker 2: and shorter it can be because it's an ongoing conversation

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Speaker 2: as opposed to a one off.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom

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Speaker 1: and Dad.

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Speaker 3: We are so glad you're listening to the Happy Families Podcast.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for joining us. I'm doctor Justin

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Speaker 3: Coilson and I'm Kylie and today we're going to be

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Speaker 3: answering one of the most commonly asked questions that we

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Speaker 3: get about making your family happy, in fact, about making

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Speaker 3: your relationship happier.

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Speaker 2: But before we get there, I just love it when

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Speaker 2: we get feedback and oh yes, this week we've had

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Speaker 2: an absolute doozy coming from Bell.

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Speaker 4: I love this email.

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Speaker 3: High Doctor Justin Coilson, actually high doctor Justin Sorry and

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Speaker 3: Happy Family team. I just wanted to touch base and

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Speaker 3: offer my thanks to you.

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Speaker 4: How Belle says this.

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Speaker 3: I wasn't much of a podcast listener, but I started

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Speaker 3: doing drive in, drive out work late April this year.

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Speaker 4: I'd done a few contracts.

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Speaker 3: But there was one that was a seven hour drive

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Speaker 3: away from home and I got sick of my music

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Speaker 3: on replay, so I thought I'd tried the Happy Families

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Speaker 3: podcast and oh wow, Capital Letters, Oh wow, it made

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Speaker 3: the trip go so quickly with the anecdotes and laughter

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Speaker 3: it brings, along with all the parenting tips.

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Speaker 4: And then Kylie was brought on board.

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Speaker 2: I mean she got all of that before I came on.

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Speaker 5: Yes, I love this. So Bell's gone right back to

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Speaker 5: the very beginning. We get so many emails from people

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Speaker 5: who go all the way back to the start. In fact,

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Speaker 5: our son in law has gone back to the start

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Speaker 5: just recently and has been listening to us from the

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Speaker 5: very beginning. He pops up now and then, and he

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Speaker 5: has some funny things to say about what we've been

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Speaker 5: saying about him over the years, like before he was

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Speaker 5: our son in law. Anyway, Belle says she started listening

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Speaker 5: to you, Kylie. The band, to the stories, the love,

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Speaker 5: the compassion that has.

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Speaker 3: Shared is just beautiful to listen to. So many episodes

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Speaker 3: to catch up on. I'm currently listening to episodes from

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Speaker 3: twenty twenty one. She's still got another two years of

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Speaker 3: episodes to go. And then she says this, and I

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Speaker 3: so appreciated this, she said, I must say reliving the

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Speaker 3: pandemic and the lockdowns has not been good, but there

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Speaker 3: are some tips that are still useful today.

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Speaker 4: I want to share this though this.

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Speaker 3: Was a long email, but she says, I'm mainly writing

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Speaker 3: to say that even though I'm away from my husband

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Speaker 3: and kids, I've been able to use some of the

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Speaker 3: strategies with my coworkers who are struggling with some of

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Speaker 3: the difficulties we face at work. I work in the

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Speaker 3: aged care sector and we have some residents that struggle

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Speaker 3: with anxiety, impulsivity, and sometimes even anger. These create big

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Speaker 3: emotions in everyone. Emotions are contagious, right, she says, I

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Speaker 3: must admit I felt that I got on my soapbox

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Speaker 3: when people said things like I'm not going to help

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Speaker 3: because they just get angry and frustrated.

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Speaker 4: What's the point.

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Speaker 3: I was able to talk with the carers and point

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Speaker 3: out that we need to manage our emotions to help

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Speaker 3: them manage theirs, and I guess to be the adult.

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Speaker 3: It was really heartening to have so many tools that

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Speaker 3: the podcast has taught me and see them working. I

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Speaker 3: even did five four three to one with a resident

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Speaker 3: who is visibly anxious and it was able to center

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Speaker 3: them and bring them back to being okay, it goes on.

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Speaker 3: It's just such a fabulous email. Belle just says, with

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Speaker 3: the help of Justin, Kylie and the team, the strategies,

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Speaker 3: from all the resources, including the podcast, we've become a

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Speaker 3: happy family most of the time. And I can't thank

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Speaker 3: you enough. So we just we love your emails podcasts

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Speaker 3: at happy families dot com dot au.

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Speaker 4: Thank you so much. Bell.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so we need to talk about today's topic because

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Speaker 2: it's a question that we get asked time and time again.

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Speaker 2: How do you get on the same page in parenting?

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Speaker 3: There's so much what's the word discord, like in couples

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Speaker 3: where somebody's really dogmatic this is how it's got to

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Speaker 3: be done, and the other parents saying but what about

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Speaker 3: or I don't like that, and the tension's horrible right.

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Speaker 2: Well, and what I hear often is, you know, you've

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Speaker 2: come from two different homes, you've come from two different

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Speaker 2: like totally different backgrounds, and you want to do it

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Speaker 2: the way you were raised.

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Speaker 5: Yes, yeah, And we also kind of think that parenting

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Speaker 5: just come naturally, like we just naturally open our mouth

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Speaker 5: and say stuff to the kids. And that will be

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Speaker 5: what our parenting is.

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Speaker 3: I usually when I'm asked this, talk about the regular

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Speaker 3: Sunday meetings that you and I have.

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Speaker 4: We call it a couple's well, call.

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Speaker 5: It whatever you want, a couple's inventory, couples meeting, couples connection,

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Speaker 5: a couple of the resets, the weekly planning meeting, whatever

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Speaker 5: you want to call it. But a lot of people

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Speaker 5: look at me strangely, like you really have a meeting

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Speaker 5: every week to talk about your family, and I reckon,

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Speaker 5: this is an important thing to just bring up before

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Speaker 5: we get into our major topic for today and how

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Speaker 5: to address this question.

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Speaker 3: We at work usually have to go through meetings at

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Speaker 3: least on a weekly basis to get across everything that's

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Speaker 3: supposed to be happening this week at work, and quite

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Speaker 3: often we'll have like a scheduling meeting with our husband, wife, partner,

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Speaker 3: spouse to talk about where are you going to be

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Speaker 3: on this day? I need your help with this, that

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Speaker 3: and the other, and so that can all go into

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Speaker 3: the planning meeting. But here's the thing. We make plans

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Speaker 3: for our kids' educations, We make plans for our ea time,

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Speaker 3: and we make plans for our holidays. We make plans

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Speaker 3: for our careers. We make plans for pretty much everything,

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Speaker 3: our lives, house plans, whatever. And Yet if I have

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Speaker 3: a conversation with somebody and say what is the most

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Speaker 3: important thing in your life? Most important, top of the.

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Speaker 4: List, everyone always says family. It's my family.

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Speaker 3: And when I say, what's your plan for helping your

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Speaker 3: family to thrive? What's your plan for being on the

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Speaker 3: same page as your partner, what's your plan for alignment

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Speaker 3: and working together? People look at me blankly.

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Speaker 4: My what?

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Speaker 3: And I think that if you want to get on

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Speaker 3: the same page, you actually have to build a plan.

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Speaker 2: It's about setting your intentions and getting your priorities in

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Speaker 2: order as a couple. So often as I talk with

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Speaker 2: other women, what I hear time and time again is

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Speaker 2: that partners take care of everything outside the home. I

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Speaker 2: hate this way, and the mom is the one who

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Speaker 2: takes care of everything else inside.

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Speaker 3: Sorry I just sounded very judging then, but that really

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Speaker 3: gets under my skin.

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Speaker 2: And as a result, you're each carrying your own stresses.

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Speaker 2: There's no it's not a competition to see who's more

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Speaker 2: stressed out.

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Speaker 3: But the big thing with that, though, is if I

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Speaker 3: see you struggling inside but I've done all my outside stuff.

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Speaker 3: I've gone to work, I've earned the money, I've mowed

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Speaker 3: the lawn, I've washed the car.

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Speaker 4: As if I'm not going to get up and help you.

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Speaker 3: But if that's where we're drawing the barriers, drawing the lines,

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Speaker 3: then you're going to struggle and also feel guilty about

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Speaker 3: asking me. I just well, it gets my goat.

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Speaker 2: But I think that often in lots of cases, it's

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Speaker 2: not actually a matter of somebody sitting on the couch

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Speaker 2: just happily enjoying themselves. The reality is that often in

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Speaker 2: our home we're both actually juggling things. We're not We're

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Speaker 2: not watching the other struggle. But the challenge is sometimes

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Speaker 2: in order to make things run smoothly, we have to

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Speaker 2: kind of look at where the priority is in that moment.

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Speaker 3: So every Sunday you and I have a conversation, and

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Speaker 3: the conversation takes about fifteen minutes, twenty minutes. What's gone

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Speaker 3: well this past week, what hasn't as a couple, what's

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Speaker 3: gone well as a couple, what hasn't gone well as

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Speaker 3: a couple? And what one thing and only one thing

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Speaker 3: are we going to prioritize to improve how things go

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Speaker 3: in our couple relationship this week and that one conversation

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Speaker 3: that we've had for the last how many years has

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Speaker 3: changed the way we approach each week. It's improved the

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Speaker 3: intention that we bring to how we interact together and

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Speaker 3: with the kids.

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Speaker 2: And I will just point out that only it takes

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Speaker 2: fifteen minutes because we do it regularly. Yes, well, when

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Speaker 2: we have long gaps, that fifteen minute meeting.

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Speaker 4: Ours. Yeah. True. True.

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Speaker 2: The more regular you are with it, the smaller and

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Speaker 2: shorter it can be because it's an ongoing conversation as

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Speaker 2: opposed to a one off.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so this past weekend we have just done something

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Speaker 3: that makes all the difference in our family. We used

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Speaker 3: to do it all the time. It's gotten harder as

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Speaker 3: our parents have aged and as we've lived not so

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Speaker 3: close to them. But once every quarter. So in a business,

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Speaker 3: you have a quarterly planning session, right, you get the

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Speaker 3: team together and you say, here are our quarterly goals,

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Speaker 3: here's our quarterly focus. This is what we need to

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Speaker 3: achieve over the next three months. Most businesses run on

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Speaker 3: an annual goal basis, a quarterly goal basis, then a

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Speaker 3: monthly goal basis. And we've been doing this in my

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Speaker 3: happy family's business for years, and several years ago I thought,

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Speaker 3: hang on, if I'm doing this for my business, I

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Speaker 3: need to do it for my family. This weekend, we've

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Speaker 3: just done a quarterly get together. You and I spent

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Speaker 3: a couple of nights in Adelaide. I was there for

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Speaker 3: a conference anyway, So you came with me and we

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Speaker 3: had a couple of days, a couple of nights to

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Speaker 3: talk seriously about what's going well, what's not going so well,

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Speaker 3: and what do we want to work on for the

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Speaker 3: next twelve weeks. And we are going to let you

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Speaker 3: behind the curtain. We're going to tell you exactly what

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Speaker 3: we talked about the parenting expert for his family in

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Speaker 3: terms of how we can be on the same page

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Speaker 3: and what we want to do to make things go

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Speaker 3: better over the next three months.

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Speaker 2: So I think the first thing that's really important to

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Speaker 2: acknowledge is that we actually ask the same three questions.

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Speaker 4: Yes, that's right, every summer.

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Speaker 2: Only difference, the only difference with the couples get away

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Speaker 2: is that the things that we talk about we talk

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Speaker 2: about more for starters, there's more topics to talk about

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Speaker 2: because we go deep.

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Speaker 4: And that's the real thing is.

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Speaker 3: I mean, we might spend an hour on one topic

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Speaker 3: and knowing that we've still got eight other topics to

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Speaker 3: talk about.

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Speaker 2: And this is the time where we actually we actually

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Speaker 2: create the space in our lives, which is really challenging.

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Speaker 2: We actually create the space in our lives so that

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Speaker 2: we can talk about all of the facets of family

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Speaker 2: life instead of just dealing with the here and now.

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Speaker 3: So let's go behind the curtain. Let's unpack it and

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Speaker 3: talk about what we discuss. Where do you want to start, Well.

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Speaker 2: Let's start with daily habits, because we've talked about James

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Speaker 2: Clear and his Atomic Habits book a lot on the podcast,

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Speaker 2: and this acknowledgment that those incremental, almost seemingly insignificant things

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Speaker 2: we do on a day to day basis are actually

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Speaker 2: what create the success of our lives.

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Speaker 3: Over the weekend, we really just talked about systems, right,

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Speaker 3: what's our system going to be in the morning, what's

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Speaker 3: our system going to be in the evenings, what's our

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Speaker 3: system going to be on the weekends? Because when you

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Speaker 3: get your system right, everything flows.

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Speaker 4: Out of that.

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Speaker 3: So this is where it gets tricky, right, because I

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Speaker 3: want to do my exercise in the morning, but I

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Speaker 3: also want to do a little bit of reading and

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Speaker 3: some personal growth. I have some spiritual practice that I

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Speaker 3: want to follow, but you do too. And if I'm

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Speaker 3: out on a long bike ride and you want to

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Speaker 3: be down at the beach sitting on your rock and

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Speaker 3: meditating or having that prayer time. And we've got children

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Speaker 3: who are waking up, but they don't have direction.

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Speaker 4: That doesn't work.

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Speaker 3: So we have to work out how we can not

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Speaker 3: only get what we want, but also support one another

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Speaker 3: in getting me supporting you to get what you want,

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Speaker 3: and vice versa. It requires a whole lot of planning

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Speaker 3: and a whole lot of thinking to get the priorities

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Speaker 3: in order get the routine right, to create the system.

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Speaker 2: And the great thing about this is if you're doing

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Speaker 2: it regularly, it's not like you're having to start from scratch.

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Speaker 4: You're asking, although it felt like we started from scratch this.

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Speaker 2: Week, you're asking, what's going well within your daily routine? Yeah,

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Speaker 2: what's not going well? And where do we need to

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Speaker 2: tweak things? So we know the big rocks, we know

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Speaker 2: the things that we want to put in there. But

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Speaker 2: as family life changes, and as you would know, changes,

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Speaker 2: every term changes all the time, and what worked last term,

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Speaker 2: doesn't necessarily work this term, and vice versa, and so

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Speaker 2: trying to kind of navigate that space can be really

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Speaker 2: really challenging. But that's why it's so good to be

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Speaker 2: able to come together and have that conversation, because otherwise

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Speaker 2: what ends up happening is me. I'm usually the one

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Speaker 2: who just kind of goes, you know what, it's all

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Speaker 2: too hard. I'm just going to let God my things.

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Speaker 2: And then I start resenting you because you're going out

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Speaker 2: and doing what you want to do, but I feel

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Speaker 2: like I can't.

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Speaker 3: And this is about advocating for you. It's making sure

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Speaker 3: that your needs are mad. So let's get back to

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Speaker 3: the agenda. We talked about our personal goals and habits

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Speaker 3: and the systems that we needed to set up individually

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Speaker 3: but also as a couple, like our regular date nights

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Speaker 3: and our family time and our family routine. When we're

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Speaker 3: spending high quality time with the kids, like super Saturday, we.

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Speaker 2: Actually chunked out the calendar and worked out when our

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Speaker 2: next getaway was going to be, so that that's that's

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Speaker 2: already in there we know that nothing else can interrupt

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Speaker 2: that time.

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Speaker 3: The kids' activities was next on the list. And we're

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Speaker 3: dealing in a lot of the moment with kids who

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Speaker 3: were having some struggles, needing some support, and don't feel

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Speaker 3: like they're really pulling it together, like they're they're not

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Speaker 3: feeling competent in the activities that they've chosen to do.

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Speaker 3: So we've had to do a whole lot of work

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Speaker 3: around how we can get the kids involved in activities,

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Speaker 3: but also what our children's needs are. And that I

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Speaker 3: mean that took like a whole day to talk about

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Speaker 3: the kids, six, so many of them.

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Speaker 2: And what I love about that is the opportunity we

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Speaker 2: actually have with space to pull it together and actually

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Speaker 2: really spend time on each of the kids. If you

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Speaker 2: talk about their strengths, talk about their weaknesses, talk about

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Speaker 2: the struggles that they're having, but most importantly, how can

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Speaker 2: we as their parents support them better.

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Speaker 3: So there's a half of other things that we talked about.

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Speaker 3: We won't dive deep on them, but just briefly. Because

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Speaker 3: we have a faith background, we talked about our religious

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Speaker 3: practice and making sure that we're scheduling time in the

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Speaker 3: calendar to do the things that matter for us. There

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Speaker 3: we talked about our finances because for goodness sakes, right

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Speaker 3: now everyone needs to talk about their finances, what is

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Speaker 3: going on in the world in terms of what it

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Speaker 3: costs to live, and so on.

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Speaker 2: We set some goals around the kinds of holidays and

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Speaker 2: like family time we want to spend together.

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Speaker 3: In fact, we did more than that. We made a

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Speaker 3: couple of bookings. So this is not just a time

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Speaker 3: for us to talk about stuff. We take action.

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Speaker 4: So we actually pulled the.

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Speaker 3: Calendar out, worked out when the kids were on school holidays,

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Speaker 3: and made some decisions, called the holiday places and made

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Speaker 3: the bookings. So we know where we're going to be

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Speaker 3: at Eastern next year. We know where we're going to

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Speaker 3: be in winter next year. We know where we're going

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Speaker 3: to be in the September October holidays, the spring holidays

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Speaker 3: next year. That's why we have these meetings, so that

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Speaker 3: we can lock this stuff in, even if it's just camping.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be expensive, but it's about getting

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Speaker 3: the dates confirmed, getting in the diary and locking it in.

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Speaker 2: And the last thing we talked about was our social life.

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Speaker 2: We love spending time with people. We really enjoy it,

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Speaker 2: our kids enjoy it, We enjoy it, and we love

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Speaker 2: having people in our home. So we sat down we

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Speaker 2: looked at the calendar and worked out the weekends that

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Speaker 2: you're around.

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Speaker 4: Who do we need to catch up with.

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Speaker 2: And who are the important people in our lives that

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Speaker 2: we want to make sure that we connect with, share

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Speaker 2: our love with, and enjoy time together.

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Speaker 3: And again, it's about action. So text messages per sent.

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Speaker 3: Please come to our house on this date for dinner.

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Speaker 3: We're really looking forward to catching up with you and

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Speaker 3: it feels so good to just lock it in the

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Speaker 3: diary and though, okay, the next three months our social

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Speaker 3: life is now, there's still room in it, but we've

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Speaker 3: got the really important.

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Speaker 4: Stuff bettered down.

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Speaker 3: We also talked about business and work because that's part

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Speaker 3: of our lives and we've got to make sure that

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Speaker 3: we're doing all that now. Once the diary comes out

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Speaker 3: and we've written this stuff down, we also make sure

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Speaker 3: we allocate some time for fun. And we did have

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Speaker 3: some fun while we were in Adelaide.

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Speaker 2: What are you looking at me like that far?

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Speaker 5: I'm just saying we had some fun because it can't

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Speaker 5: all be business. Okay, there needs to be some fun.

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Speaker 5: That's how we get on the same page. Does it

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Speaker 5: sound like it's a bit extra, maybe, but I'll tell you,

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Speaker 5: and it doesn't always work out perfectly. I mean, we're

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Speaker 5: going to get two weeks into the next twelve weeks

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Speaker 5: and something's gonna go wrong, the bottom will fall out.

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Speaker 2: But the great thing is we have a plan. We

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Speaker 2: have a plan, and when things start to fall apart,

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Speaker 2: we can go back to the plan.

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Speaker 3: Yes, what are we missing and we get more accomplished

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Speaker 3: and we stay more aligned because of that. It sets

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Speaker 3: the intention and helps us to implement the stuff we've

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Speaker 3: said we'll do.

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Speaker 2: And so when we come back together on a weekly basis,

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Speaker 2: we've got the plan, We've got the quarterly plan. It's there.

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Speaker 2: It's our blueprint for what we are hoping to achieve

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Speaker 2: in any given twelve week period.

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Speaker 3: We really hope that this helps you to create some

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Speaker 3: alignment in your couple relationship. Hopefully there's ideas here the

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Speaker 3: kickstart where you're up too, regardless of whether you're going

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Speaker 3: to get away for a quarterly weekend or just start

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Speaker 3: having the conversations to get alignment, it makes such a difference.

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Speaker 4: Thanks for listening.

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Speaker 3: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from

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Speaker 3: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you

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Speaker 3: would like more information about making your family happy, please

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Speaker 3: check out my brand new book, The Parenting Revolution.

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Speaker 4: And a quick.

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Speaker 3: Reminder, Tomorrow is our last day for the Smells Like

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Speaker 3: Teen Spirit Summit. Early bird price prices go up on Thursday,

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Speaker 3: so dive in. We would love to have you there

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Speaker 3: for the best summit we have ever done and probably

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Speaker 3: the last summit.

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Speaker 4: Will ever do.

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Speaker 3: The Smells Like Teen Spirit Summit so you can have

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Speaker 3: more Nirvana, less drama,