1
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:08,160
Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families Podcast, the place you come

2
00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:12,119
Speaker 1: when the kids are having big feelings, because that is

3
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:15,000
Speaker 1: what we do. We help you to navigate those. Picture

4
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,360
Speaker 1: it your six year old having a meltdown because their

5
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,760
Speaker 1: toast broken half, Your nine year old sobbing because their

6
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:25,279
Speaker 1: friend didn't sit with them at lunch. Your teenager has

7
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,520
Speaker 1: just slammed the door because you asked them to put

8
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:29,920
Speaker 1: the phone down for dinner. How dare you? And somewhere

9
00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,360
Speaker 1: in the back of your mind, you're kind of thinking,

10
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:34,200
Speaker 1: why can't they just manage their emotions like a normal person.

11
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,840
Speaker 1: So here's the plot twist. They're not supposed to. In fact,

12
00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,519
Speaker 1: expecting your children to regulate their big feelings is kind

13
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:43,920
Speaker 1: of like expecting them to drive a car before they've

14
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:47,720
Speaker 1: learned to walk. Today, we're busting the biggest myth in

15
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:51,320
Speaker 1: parenting that kids should be able to handle their emotions

16
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:53,360
Speaker 1: on their own, and we're going to give you the

17
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:57,440
Speaker 1: science backed strategies that actually work when your child's emotional

18
00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:04,080
Speaker 1: world explodes. Stay with us, could they Welcome to the

19
00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:07,600
Speaker 1: Heavy Families Podcast, Real parenting solutions every single day. My

20
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,120
Speaker 1: name's Justin with Kylie, my wife and mum. Do our

21
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:13,680
Speaker 1: six kids. The most popular topics in terms of downloads

22
00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:19,679
Speaker 1: on this podcast ADHD and emotion dysregulation. Today we tackle

23
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:23,240
Speaker 1: the latter big emotions with some quick reminders and some

24
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:29,520
Speaker 1: useful tips for your child's next temper, tantrum, or emotional moment. Kylie,

25
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,200
Speaker 1: you're looking at me with a strange look on your face.

26
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,800
Speaker 1: It looks like you're about to have a big emotion

27
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,440
Speaker 1: because your microphone has been switched off. I just realized

28
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:37,240
Speaker 1: you're not saying anything. It is because I haven't turned

29
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:38,400
Speaker 1: your mic on. I'm so sorry.

30
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,520
Speaker 2: I find it curious and I fall into the same

31
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:48,520
Speaker 2: trap that we're asking our children, yes, with their lack

32
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:52,880
Speaker 2: of experience, lack of developmental progress, and just.

33
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,840
Speaker 1: A lack of time in the world. Yeah yeah, yeah,

34
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,120
Speaker 1: to be able.

35
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,720
Speaker 2: To regulate their emotions when even us as the big people,

36
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,160
Speaker 2: really struggle from time to time.

37
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:03,360
Speaker 1: And when you say from time to time, you mean

38
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:03,880
Speaker 1: most days.

39
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:04,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, most days.

40
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,080
Speaker 1: So let's start with the reality. I think that's just

41
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,400
Speaker 1: this may be a sanity saver. Kids aren't supposed to

42
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,080
Speaker 1: manage their big feelings. I mean, we want them to,

43
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:16,240
Speaker 1: and eventually they will, but their brains are their brains

44
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:20,160
Speaker 1: are wearing l plates, alplates, as in like a learner

45
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,760
Speaker 1: plate that you put on the back of the car

46
00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:24,240
Speaker 1: that says, I still don't really know what I'm doing here.

47
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:29,960
Speaker 1: Even more practically, kids start to develop some sort of

48
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:34,240
Speaker 1: emotion regulation. Let's get clear on the definition of emotion regulation,

49
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:38,080
Speaker 1: the ability to either turn your emotions up or down

50
00:02:38,919 --> 00:02:44,079
Speaker 1: based on the context and consistent with your long term goals.

51
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,480
Speaker 1: Like three year olds don't have long term goals. They

52
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:50,400
Speaker 1: have immediate goals. They want instant gratification. They don't understand

53
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,800
Speaker 1: the idea of frustration tolerance, and it's inappropriate developmentally for

54
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:56,440
Speaker 1: us to be trying to teach them that in any

55
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:57,760
Speaker 1: meaningful way.

56
00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,600
Speaker 2: But I also think that as a society we actually

57
00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:04,960
Speaker 2: looked down on big emotions. If someone's overly excited, it

58
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,040
Speaker 2: makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable. Often, if somebody's

59
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:13,720
Speaker 2: overly angry, that leaves everybody definitely feeling uncomfortable. So in

60
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:17,320
Speaker 2: some ways it's a little bit counter to what we're

61
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,000
Speaker 2: actually wanting our children to do. We're wanting them to

62
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:24,320
Speaker 2: experience their emotions and understand them, but we're also going

63
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,160
Speaker 2: just make sure it's not too much.

64
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's appropriate that we want to help them.

65
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,440
Speaker 1: This is called socialization, right, That's what our job as

66
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,880
Speaker 1: parents is to socialize our kids. But they don't start

67
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,960
Speaker 1: to get this until the age of three in a

68
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:41,200
Speaker 1: really rudimentary way. And on average, most kids will be

69
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:45,480
Speaker 1: able to have their emotions reasonably well regulated most of

70
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:45,920
Speaker 1: the time.

71
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,240
Speaker 2: By I love how you're sliding down, I would have.

72
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,560
Speaker 1: Put a thousand caveats in here, because it depends on

73
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,040
Speaker 1: how hungry and how tired, and how stressed and how

74
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,240
Speaker 1: worked up and all those things. They are, right, I mean,

75
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:58,680
Speaker 1: I'm saying nine. But one of my favorite things to

76
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,600
Speaker 1: do when I'm teaching this stuff in my workshops and

77
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:05,160
Speaker 1: my presentations, I mean schools or corporations, and I'll talk

78
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,680
Speaker 1: about emotional regulation. I'll say, put up your hand and

79
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,360
Speaker 1: tell me how old do you think the average child

80
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,320
Speaker 1: is when they can regulate most of their emotions most

81
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:15,360
Speaker 1: of the time under fairly standard circumstances. And usually the

82
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:18,279
Speaker 1: first response from somebody who thinks they're so funny is

83
00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:22,840
Speaker 1: they'll say forty three, and then everyone will guff or

84
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:28,440
Speaker 1: because it is just naturally it's hard to do this.

85
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,839
Speaker 1: We are, as Brene Brown says, emotional beings first, and

86
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,120
Speaker 1: when something happens, our rational brain has been bound and

87
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,480
Speaker 1: gagged and stuck in the boot, and the emotions are

88
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,520
Speaker 1: driving this down the highway. If that's the case for

89
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:45,240
Speaker 1: us as adults, because we haven't understood principles of stolicism,

90
00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:48,599
Speaker 1: for example, we don't know how to regulate ourselves. Well,

91
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,880
Speaker 1: what chance do our children have at the age of three,

92
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,600
Speaker 1: or four, or five, or at the age of sixteen

93
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,200
Speaker 1: when their brain's going through that second brain explosion. So

94
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,120
Speaker 1: I guess there's one of my that I want to

95
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,000
Speaker 1: pick up on now that you've pulled me up on that.

96
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,000
Speaker 1: With all of my caveats, I did say most of

97
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,520
Speaker 1: the time, and I did say on average, because even

98
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,800
Speaker 1: when we're regulated, forty three year old still going to

99
00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:12,919
Speaker 1: have moments with emotions overwhelming the capacity.

100
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,320
Speaker 2: You know, you're not forty three anymore.

101
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,600
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about me. If I was talking about me,

102
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,320
Speaker 1: i'd say almost fifty year old. I had this happened

103
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:20,520
Speaker 1: to me the other night. I'm going to share it

104
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:21,840
Speaker 1: on them. Oh, this is a hard thing for me

105
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:25,400
Speaker 1: to say. But I walked into the house and we've

106
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:30,719
Speaker 1: got a twenty two year old, an eighteen year old,

107
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,599
Speaker 1: a fifteen year old and an eleven year old, and

108
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:39,600
Speaker 1: they're all doing stuff all and the house looks like

109
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:43,240
Speaker 1: a bomb's gone off, and they it's like they're oblivious

110
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,159
Speaker 1: to the fact that there's work to be done. And

111
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,800
Speaker 1: I feel like I work pretty hard, and I feel

112
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,680
Speaker 1: like you work pretty hard. We don't stop. And I

113
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:54,159
Speaker 1: didn't regulate particularly well. I'm just saying, I mean I

114
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,120
Speaker 1: didn't lose it, but I was not as regulated as

115
00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,680
Speaker 1: they're used to seeing me. I had some congestions for

116
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,760
Speaker 1: them as to what might happen and when it might happen,

117
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,200
Speaker 1: and why it shouldn't be me or you that was

118
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,800
Speaker 1: doing it. Anyway, let's move on with this. In twenty

119
00:06:06,839 --> 00:06:10,120
Speaker 1: twenty five, we talk about dysregulation, we talk about neurodevelopmental

120
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:13,800
Speaker 1: challenges and trauma. But what I want to emphasize here

121
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:18,359
Speaker 1: is it's normal and natural to struggle to manage big feelings.

122
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:21,919
Speaker 1: And a lot of the time what we're dealing with

123
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,599
Speaker 1: is a stage, and a lot of the time we're

124
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,599
Speaker 1: dealing with humanity and being a human And we just

125
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,320
Speaker 1: need to trust our kids in eate development and trust

126
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:35,400
Speaker 1: that we are setting a good example. And when you

127
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:39,360
Speaker 1: understand that that's when everything changes. Instead of thinking why

128
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,919
Speaker 1: can't you just calm down and why can't you be

129
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,680
Speaker 1: like everybody else's children, what you do is you start thinking,

130
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:47,400
Speaker 1: all right, how can I help my child to get

131
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,760
Speaker 1: through this while their brain is learning how to do

132
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:50,559
Speaker 1: it on their own.

133
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,920
Speaker 2: I'm thinking back to my experience as a young mum,

134
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:59,800
Speaker 2: young Kylie, dealing with young children and specifically a future

135
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,800
Speaker 2: and with really big emotions, and those emotions would often

136
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:08,120
Speaker 2: present themselves at the most inconvenient time. They were, you know,

137
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,600
Speaker 2: as we're walking into the school ground and parents were everywhere,

138
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,960
Speaker 2: or we were in the grocery store buying groceries, and

139
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:20,360
Speaker 2: there's people everywhere, and my initial thought was not for

140
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:24,480
Speaker 2: the care of my child. My initial thought in those

141
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:28,840
Speaker 2: moments was everybody's looking at me. They're wanting me to

142
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,520
Speaker 2: do X, Y and Z, and if I don't do

143
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,720
Speaker 2: the right thing, then I'm a bad parent.

144
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,800
Speaker 1: Ego and pride and comparison and there's.

145
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:40,720
Speaker 2: So much pressure around that and we're well meaning, but

146
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,760
Speaker 2: so often the comments that we make to other parents

147
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,920
Speaker 2: in those moments, or the looks that we give them

148
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,600
Speaker 2: just feel judgmental. What they actually need is a pat

149
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,760
Speaker 2: on the back and say it's okay, today's going to

150
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:56,160
Speaker 2: be okay, or can I help, or any number of

151
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,960
Speaker 2: things than what we often say. But if we can

152
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:05,240
Speaker 2: turn our attention not to how we're feeling, but to

153
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:09,320
Speaker 2: have compassion for our child with the big emotions and

154
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:13,600
Speaker 2: recognize that this is part of the human experience, we're

155
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,160
Speaker 2: going to present ourselves differently. We're going to show up

156
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:17,600
Speaker 2: differently for our kids in that moment.

157
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we are. So after the break, we're

158
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:20,800
Speaker 1: going to talk about a couple of things that you

159
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:22,840
Speaker 1: can do when the kids are having really big emotions

160
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,320
Speaker 1: so that they can and you can navigate it in

161
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,440
Speaker 1: a way that everybody can feel good about, and somehow

162
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:34,080
Speaker 1: you can look beyond the upturned nerveses and what we

163
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,520
Speaker 1: might perceive as judgment from other parents. I reckon most

164
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,920
Speaker 1: parents are not actually judging you. They're quite compassionate because

165
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,400
Speaker 1: they've been there, and the ones that are you don't

166
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,880
Speaker 1: need to worry about it anyway, because they're not the

167
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,280
Speaker 1: kind of people that you want to hang around with.

168
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:47,120
Speaker 1: Let's talk about solutions in just a sec Stay with us.

169
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,839
Speaker 1: We're back with the Happy Families podcast Real Parenting Solutions.

170
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,079
Speaker 1: Every single day. All right, Kylie, we need to talk

171
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,440
Speaker 1: about how we're supposed to guide our children through their

172
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,400
Speaker 1: really big emotions. I want to go through a couple

173
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,400
Speaker 1: fairly quickly. Feel free to chuck anything in that you've

174
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,800
Speaker 1: got in your mind. Here the first one I want

175
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:15,640
Speaker 1: to talk about as the solution to big emotions. This distraction.

176
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:19,080
Speaker 1: Distraction works. It gets a bad rap because we think

177
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,480
Speaker 1: it's avoiding the problem, and if we use distraction consistently

178
00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:26,560
Speaker 1: then that's what it might be doing. But here's the neuroscience.

179
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:31,280
Speaker 1: Child's emotional brain gets activated, thinking brain goes offline. You

180
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:35,360
Speaker 1: can't reason with a disregulated nervous system high emotions, low intelligence,

181
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,240
Speaker 1: can't think straight in a high emotion state, all those

182
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,200
Speaker 1: things that we talk about on the pod all the time.

183
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:43,480
Speaker 1: Distraction works because it gives the emotional storm time to

184
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,880
Speaker 1: pass and it engages a different part of the brain.

185
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,880
Speaker 1: So when your toddler is having that melt down over

186
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,280
Speaker 1: the broken toast, pointing out the bird outside the window

187
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:56,000
Speaker 1: is not a dismissal of their feelings. It's just giving

188
00:09:56,040 --> 00:10:00,439
Speaker 1: their nervous system a chance to reset. Some people will think, oh,

189
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:03,040
Speaker 1: you're rewarding bad behavior. I don't think so I think

190
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,600
Speaker 1: what you're doing is you're giving a child the best

191
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:10,440
Speaker 1: chance possible to pull it together. Distraction buys you time

192
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,600
Speaker 1: for their system to calm down enough that they're thinking

193
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,080
Speaker 1: brain can come back online.

194
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:18,720
Speaker 2: What I love about this particular strategy is the fact

195
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,640
Speaker 2: that it doesn't leave my child in distress for long

196
00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:25,360
Speaker 2: periods of time. When our granddaughter shows up and she

197
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:28,480
Speaker 2: spends some time with us and she might hurt herself,

198
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,720
Speaker 2: she will get really upset, and especially because Mum's not here,

199
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,360
Speaker 2: and she, you know, kind of naturally is drawn to

200
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,760
Speaker 2: go to Mum. And I'll just start singing with her,

201
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:41,000
Speaker 2: and it's amazing how quickly she kind of shuffles away

202
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:45,680
Speaker 2: from that massive emotion to a joyful moment.

203
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,280
Speaker 1: Even with our bigger kids, like in their teens, having

204
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,800
Speaker 1: a bad moment, Let's go for a walk like nature

205
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,800
Speaker 1: is great, by the way, as a way to regulate

206
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,040
Speaker 1: your emotions. Being in nature really really helps a lot.

207
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:58,080
Speaker 1: But just going and doing something different, shifting your brain

208
00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:02,520
Speaker 1: into a different space, playing a game. I'm not big

209
00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:04,520
Speaker 1: on this, but even watching TV for half an hour

210
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,600
Speaker 1: just to bring it all back down, you still will

211
00:11:07,679 --> 00:11:09,880
Speaker 1: usually need more than that. If you're going to use

212
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,520
Speaker 1: a screen as a distraction. It's not particularly effective and

213
00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:14,760
Speaker 1: it gets used as an escape too much. But anyway,

214
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,880
Speaker 1: that's my first one. Let's talk about the second one, coregulation.

215
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,600
Speaker 1: If your child will allow it. So remember high emotions,

216
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,320
Speaker 1: low intelligence. You might try to be close to your

217
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,120
Speaker 1: child with their emotional and they're kicking and punching and

218
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,880
Speaker 1: screaming and saying leave me alone, leave me like really

219
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:30,280
Speaker 1: losing it when they're doing that. Give them the space

220
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,800
Speaker 1: that they want. One of my favorite lines has always been,

221
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:34,559
Speaker 1: do you want me to be with you and give

222
00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:35,840
Speaker 1: you a heart good? Just want some space?

223
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:36,120
Speaker 2: Yeah?

224
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:38,120
Speaker 1: I love that one, and I know I use it

225
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,720
Speaker 1: with you all the time because it doesn't just work

226
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,679
Speaker 1: with kids. I think coregulation is an incredible web. It's

227
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:48,240
Speaker 1: a secret weapon, but that crucial caveat is really at

228
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,400
Speaker 1: the heart of it. Some kids don't want to allow it,

229
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,040
Speaker 1: and that's okay. You've got to respect their need for space.

230
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,400
Speaker 1: For the kids who will let your help, the magic

231
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,400
Speaker 1: formula is really simple. You say what you see and

232
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,320
Speaker 1: then you listen. So it might be I can see

233
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,320
Speaker 1: really frustrated right now, and then just stop talking, or

234
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,880
Speaker 1: sometimes your sister really bugs you, doesn't she and then

235
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:10,760
Speaker 1: stop talking. You want to jump in with solutions, you

236
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,559
Speaker 1: want to jump in with explanations, you want to jump

237
00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:15,560
Speaker 1: in with life lessons. But instead I heard somebody use

238
00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:19,800
Speaker 1: this phrase, just bear witness. Just bear witness to their

239
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,560
Speaker 1: experience and their challenge, and let them know that you

240
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:26,160
Speaker 1: can see it. Because when you are calm, you will

241
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:30,080
Speaker 1: help regulate their nervous system. But only if they're not

242
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:33,280
Speaker 1: feeling crowded or controlled. And if they say leave me alone,

243
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:37,320
Speaker 1: then honor that some kids need to process things internally

244
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,960
Speaker 1: before they can connect with others. You can say, hey,

245
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,480
Speaker 1: I'm here when you're ready. I've often said to our kids,

246
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:45,520
Speaker 1: you can come and get a hug from me in

247
00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:47,040
Speaker 1: the next five minutes, or I'm going to check in

248
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,839
Speaker 1: with you in two minutes and see how you're going,

249
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:50,640
Speaker 1: and then you just give them the gift of space.

250
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:55,959
Speaker 1: Cod regulation is not forced connection, it's offered connection.

251
00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:00,439
Speaker 2: The acknowledgement that our whole experience is not supposed to

252
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,839
Speaker 2: be done alone in this world, We're actually supposed to

253
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:09,960
Speaker 2: do it together. And the idea that we can utilize

254
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,320
Speaker 2: someone else's calm, we can catch someone else's calm when

255
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:17,760
Speaker 2: we're having these really big emotions. Is so powerful. I

256
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,720
Speaker 2: love that there are a couple of safe places that

257
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,520
Speaker 2: I can go to when I'm feeling really, really stuck

258
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:25,840
Speaker 2: in big emotions.

259
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:27,640
Speaker 1: So that's the critical thing. You're talking about what you

260
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,160
Speaker 1: want as an adult when you're feeling emotional, and the

261
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,800
Speaker 1: kids are the same. It's just that we don't give

262
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:32,120
Speaker 1: it to them.

263
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,880
Speaker 2: We as because we find their emotions they're inconvenience. They

264
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,319
Speaker 2: never happen when we've got the time and the energy

265
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:39,000
Speaker 2: and the space.

266
00:13:39,559 --> 00:13:41,480
Speaker 1: You know, it happened when we're not in the middle

267
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,640
Speaker 1: of a really important email or a really important game,

268
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:46,280
Speaker 1: or stirring the sauce but on the stove, or try

269
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,400
Speaker 1: to get somewhere and do something that's that's that's reality.

270
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:50,280
Speaker 1: It's just a pain.

271
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,800
Speaker 2: But isn't that parenting. There's nothing convenient about it?

272
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,280
Speaker 1: Really, Yeah, that's right. I was going to say, if

273
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,200
Speaker 1: you wanted to be convenient, get a dog, but even dogs, No, no,

274
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,360
Speaker 1: just don't do it. And I don't have a pet either. No,

275
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,440
Speaker 1: but you don't have kids because you want a convenient life.

276
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,520
Speaker 1: They give you that meaning, that purpose. All right, our

277
00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:08,760
Speaker 1: time is all but up. We need to wrap this up.

278
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:09,760
Speaker 2: Well, what's the last one.

279
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,800
Speaker 1: Well, there's a million more that we could talk about,

280
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,200
Speaker 1: but the last one that I wanted to talk about

281
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,000
Speaker 1: today was just the natural inclination that we had to

282
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,559
Speaker 1: try to fix things, Like when the kids are having

283
00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:19,080
Speaker 1: big emotions, we want to fix it, we want to

284
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,000
Speaker 1: calm them down, we want to get everything sorted out.

285
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:27,280
Speaker 1: And I think the ability to stop and not try

286
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:30,440
Speaker 1: to fix things immediately might be the hardest, but probably

287
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,680
Speaker 1: the most important when it comes to kids. In emotional regulation,

288
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:38,760
Speaker 1: the rules as follows, no problem solving until emotions are stable.

289
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:44,400
Speaker 2: If we go back to your original conversation around distraction

290
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:49,040
Speaker 2: actually works, especially when we're dealing with older children, we

291
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,960
Speaker 2: don't just because you've distracted them in the moment doesn't

292
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,119
Speaker 2: mean that you can't revisit it. But once their emotions

293
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:59,040
Speaker 2: are calm, that's when you're actually able to do the

294
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:01,880
Speaker 2: heavy lifting when it comes to processing emotion.

295
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:06,680
Speaker 1: If you're trying to problem solve during emotional dysregulation, aslect.

296
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,960
Speaker 2: Or even speak logic to an illogic.

297
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,520
Speaker 1: No, it's like trying to have a board meeting during

298
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:14,600
Speaker 1: a fire drill. The alarms are sounding and everyone's running

299
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:15,920
Speaker 1: out of the building. You're saying no, no, no, But we

300
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,760
Speaker 1: need to sit down and have this conversation about these

301
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,480
Speaker 1: finances and the rest of the board's going not now,

302
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,600
Speaker 1: this is not the time for it. No one can

303
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,880
Speaker 1: think clearly. Everyone's in survival mode. We just need to

304
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,440
Speaker 1: wait until emotions to return to baseline, because then we

305
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:32,680
Speaker 1: can have a conversation without the emotional charge, and that's

306
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,320
Speaker 1: when you get to move into problem solving.

307
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:38,680
Speaker 2: And I love the way that Disney movie Inside Out

308
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,480
Speaker 2: depicts what's going on up inside a brain when these

309
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:45,960
Speaker 2: big emotions are being felt. And the thing that stands

310
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,760
Speaker 2: out to me is that often there's not just one

311
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:52,680
Speaker 2: emotion that's trying to take control of the situation. There's

312
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:56,480
Speaker 2: multiple emotions, and so that's where these big feelings come from,

313
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,960
Speaker 2: because you're trying to understand what it is you're feeling,

314
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,200
Speaker 2: but there's too many emotions to kind of work it

315
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:03,240
Speaker 2: all out in that moment.

316
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,360
Speaker 1: So there's some ideas that should be helpful. I mean,

317
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,080
Speaker 1: we could talk about this for hours. There's so much

318
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,920
Speaker 1: more that we could have discussed. I do want to

319
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,520
Speaker 1: highlight this though. Sometimes sometimes you just need to let

320
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,440
Speaker 1: them have their tantrum. Sometimes nothing you can do is

321
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,720
Speaker 1: going to make any different. Sometimes they're just upset and

322
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,720
Speaker 1: they're going to blow their top. And the interesting thing

323
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,360
Speaker 1: about emotions is they're just like waves on the beach.

324
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,960
Speaker 1: They come in and then they go out. Some ways

325
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,640
Speaker 1: is bigger than others, and some ways kind of knock

326
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,440
Speaker 1: you down, but they always go back out and you

327
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,120
Speaker 1: can get back up and dry off and work things out.

328
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,440
Speaker 1: You're the parent, make the call if they need to

329
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,400
Speaker 1: have that moment, let them scream, just give them the

330
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,600
Speaker 1: space and go back to them when things are level

331
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:44,040
Speaker 1: and balanced. Really hope that some ideas here have helped

332
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,400
Speaker 1: with your children and their big emotions and the stages

333
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,960
Speaker 1: they go through. If you know somebody who would benefit

334
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,000
Speaker 1: from this podcast, please share it. The more we share

335
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,800
Speaker 1: the pot, the more you share the pod, the more

336
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,520
Speaker 1: families we get to help in the bigger influence we

337
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,800
Speaker 1: get to have on the world, which is what we're

338
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,600
Speaker 1: looking for. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin

339
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:03,000
Speaker 1: Rulin from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds assists with research, admin and

340
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,280
Speaker 1: other support, and there's a whole lot of resources to

341
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:07,119
Speaker 1: help you with all of these challenges and more at

342
00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:08,680
Speaker 1: happy families dot com. Dot au