Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land.
Speaker 2: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 3: I'm Laura, I'm missus Segres.
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, look, this is a rogue af episode. Firstly,
Speaker 2: BRIT's married. Can't talk about it yet because technically where we're.
Speaker 3: Recording this, it hasn't happened.
Speaker 2: She is not married yet and I don't have Maragon
Speaker 2: have been wearing them though.
Speaker 3: No, we're not gonna talk about it yet. Yeah, I have,
Speaker 3: we wearried. I'm sure you have. You have. Look, you're married.
Speaker 3: It's happened.
Speaker 2: We don't know exactly what happened, but we're assuming it
Speaker 2: all went off without a hitch.
Speaker 3: Oh my god. We're hoping I'm married. Well, yeah you are.
Speaker 3: Otherwise we'll make it.
Speaker 2: We'll make a really like dramatic edit to this episode,
Speaker 2: if not cut a lot, but just to kind of
Speaker 2: bring you guys up to speed.
Speaker 3: So I'm sure you are across parts of it.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 3: We've been in Bali, Brittany got married, worried.
Speaker 2: We are going to drop an episode tomorrow which really
Speaker 2: fucks with the scheduling and produce a Keisha's having a kindniption,
Speaker 2: but it's gonna be fine.
Speaker 3: We're gonna help. We can't wait. This is one of
Speaker 3: the things well, sorry, Kisha, but this is one of
Speaker 3: those things. No, this is one of those things where
Speaker 3: it's like, we just want to get it to you,
Speaker 3: we want to talk about it, we want to put
Speaker 3: it out to the world. So we are I mean, guys,
Speaker 3: it's all that crazy. We're bumping at twenty four hours.
Speaker 2: Yes, so tomorrow is like tomorrow's it says, as she
Speaker 2: doesn't ed it.
Speaker 3: Literally, No, I mean crashes. I mean to the life
Speaker 3: is like, don't be too spun out. It's just a
Speaker 3: day early.
Speaker 4: You can still listen to it at your regular time
Speaker 4: on Wednesday if you want.
Speaker 3: It'll still be there.
Speaker 1: This is true.
Speaker 2: Britt who shows up just has to do the record
Speaker 2: and then goes home, goes it's going to be fine.
Speaker 3: Guy, just one day earlier, will we find it? Edit?
Speaker 3: Both of you?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 3: Maybe I released it on an only fans like paywall
Speaker 3: make some bank no too much.
Speaker 2: Well, if you want to watch this YouTube, brit is
Speaker 2: also naked doing this as well, so that's really gonna
Speaker 2: don't have a bra on guy, Rocket the engagement No, okay,
Speaker 2: look to be serious though, Britt got married in Bali.
Speaker 2: We are going to talk about it on tomorrow's episode
Speaker 2: because that will not be a pre record technically in
Speaker 2: the world of like the actual world of timing. This
Speaker 2: being a Monday, we're going to record that episode today
Speaker 2: because we've just gotten back to Sydney and we want
Speaker 2: to get it to you as quickly as possible, So
Speaker 2: the schedule will be a little bit out of whack tomorrow.
Speaker 2: But we thought since everything is all happening all at once,
Speaker 2: we would also treat you to the thing that we
Speaker 2: have been teasing for dount two and a half years,
Speaker 2: Ask gun Cut Aftermath, proudly brought to you finally by
Speaker 2: Life on Cut.
Speaker 4: All.
Speaker 2: Look to be honest, You guys have been asking for
Speaker 2: an aftermath for so long, and we have been asking
Speaker 2: you for an aftermath. This is a two way relationship.
Speaker 2: We feel so deeply privileged that over the last six
Speaker 2: years we have received and I mean thousands upon thousands
Speaker 2: of ask Guncut questions, like we receive questions every single day,
Speaker 2: sometimes in the hundreds, and it is such a privilege
Speaker 2: that you all share with us so much about what's
Speaker 2: happening in your life, and that we are able to
Speaker 2: be there for the big sister advice for so many
Speaker 2: of you that the Life Uncut discussion group on Facebook
Speaker 2: has been such a place for anonymous conversations around different
Speaker 2: askun cuts. We really like, we cannot overstate how much
Speaker 2: of a privilege that is. It's something that's always been
Speaker 2: the missing link of the puzzle, or the missing piece
Speaker 2: of the puzzle, is.
Speaker 3: What the fuck happens? Yeah? Is that so many of you?
Speaker 2: I mean, and I understand, like you've got shit going
Speaker 2: on in your lives. You've got these problems to sort out,
Speaker 2: and we don't always get the aftermath. We don't always
Speaker 2: know what's happened. But recently Sherry has come on board.
Speaker 2: So Sherry is BRIT's sister. She's working across the admin
Speaker 2: side of Life on Cut, and she is actively reaching
Speaker 2: out to people's whose questions we've answered and asking them
Speaker 2: for an update on like where their life is at.
Speaker 2: What happened off the back of these questions that we've
Speaker 2: all been sitting thinking, like, oh my god, what happened
Speaker 2: to that person? In particular, I'm desperate to know what
Speaker 2: happened to the person who was in the threesome.
Speaker 3: And then there was a baby, and we don't know.
Speaker 3: We don't have the answer to that question, but I
Speaker 3: wish Yeah, should we just get into it? Yes.
Speaker 2: So this is the ask cut aftermath that you've all
Speaker 2: been asking for, and we are so thrilled to be
Speaker 2: able to finally bring it to you and the fact
Speaker 2: that we now have so many of them coming in.
Speaker 3: This is going to be a really fun one for
Speaker 3: you guys to go and watch on YouTube as well,
Speaker 3: because we're gonna put it all up and we do
Speaker 3: flash back to when the questions were originally asked. The
Speaker 3: funniest thing about this is if you guys know me
Speaker 3: well and you've been following along, this is like that
Speaker 3: really like really tight little insight into my life every question.
Speaker 3: I have a different hair color like every question, and
Speaker 3: I thought, wow, how what was happening to me? I
Speaker 3: don't remember being in that style of clothing. Is a
Speaker 3: different version of herself. I honestly think it. I loved it.
Speaker 3: I was like, who was she that day?
Speaker 2: Was like what mental breakdown was Britney having? Because it's
Speaker 2: always akin to what's going on in your personal life.
Speaker 2: So it's like short hair, long hair, orange red brown,
Speaker 2: black bob stick in fringe and like ringe, I just
Speaker 2: I really maybe one day we could like sit down
Speaker 2: and do the graph of it and figure out, like
Speaker 2: what was happening in the life of Brittany Hockley when
Speaker 2: she went and had a dramatic haircut. So it'll be like,
Speaker 2: make up something happened at work, you know, somebody, wake up,
Speaker 2: something happened at work. It's funny that I loved. No,
Speaker 2: I only had one breakup.
Speaker 3: Unfortunately, there was a few in there, but there were
Speaker 3: just ones we didn't talk about. Yeah, well not yeah,
Speaker 3: there's a situation.
Speaker 4: Situationships, yeah, yeah, no, yeah, sometimes they hurt the most.
Speaker 3: Well, what I think is funny when I watched this
Speaker 3: back in preparation of this episode, every hair color and
Speaker 3: cut that I had in the moment I really loved.
Speaker 3: But then when I watched it back, I was like,
Speaker 3: why did I do that? I was like, do you
Speaker 3: know what I mean? Like at the time of my life,
Speaker 3: I was like, guys, new heir, who is? And I
Speaker 3: loved it? And now I'm looking back and I was like,
Speaker 3: that was an unusual choice.
Speaker 2: I want to be honest with you, there is a
Speaker 2: day that will come where you will feel that way
Speaker 2: about the fringe. I just want you guys to know
Speaker 2: I strongly disagree how much you hate the fffin.
Speaker 3: Okay, sorry, I'm not going to stop wearing Singe.
Speaker 2: Well, look, the way that we're going to run this
Speaker 2: today is that we're going to play for you the
Speaker 2: original ask guncut question. We're going to read to you
Speaker 2: the response that we've received from our anonymous listener, our lifer,
Speaker 2: and then we're gonna have a discussion off the back.
Speaker 2: So rock and roll on question Numblevland. My boyfriend's best
Speaker 2: friend has a great partner and three kids who have
Speaker 2: become a big part of our life. We always saw
Speaker 2: them as the perfect family until two months ago when
Speaker 2: we found out that he's been cheating for over a
Speaker 2: year and got a girl pregnant. Of course, pregante Jesus.
Speaker 2: His partner was the one who told us and asked
Speaker 2: us not to say anything. She is a very proud
Speaker 2: person and was obviously a mess. I supported her and
Speaker 2: of course trying to say all the right things. But
Speaker 2: nearly three months later, she's just still with him, seemingly
Speaker 2: in denial, while he acts like nothing happened. My boyfriend
Speaker 2: and I are struggling with all the lies as he
Speaker 2: used their friendship to cover his tracks multiple times. Do
Speaker 2: I keep being friends with them and pretend this didn't
Speaker 2: cause so much hurt? I'm worried we will lose these
Speaker 2: kids because we have hardly seen them since all this
Speaker 2: has happened. I think she's saying, like the connection with
Speaker 2: the children, and we really just don't know what to do.
Speaker 3: Advice, please, all right? This is the aftermath the other
Speaker 3: girl didn't go through with the pregnancy, and apparently he
Speaker 3: has put boundaries in place now to try and build
Speaker 3: back the trust, like checking the phones, et cetera. These
Speaker 3: things were necessary because he still sees the other woman occasionally,
Speaker 3: as they do have mutual friends. But I just struggle
Speaker 3: to trust what he says, and my friend has sort
Speaker 3: of started to remove herself from me. It's like she's
Speaker 3: not wanting to talk because we are one of the
Speaker 3: few people that know so many thoughts, and that she's
Speaker 3: trying to block it all out as much as possible,
Speaker 3: which I get it. It's so fair, but it is
Speaker 3: hard to ride the wave.
Speaker 2: I feel so sorry for this one because no one
Speaker 2: wins in this situation. I mean, you play the role
Speaker 2: of being the confident and being the person that supports
Speaker 2: your friend through literally the hardest thing that they're going
Speaker 2: to go through in their relationship. But because there is
Speaker 2: so much shame and embarrassment attached to it. And I'm
Speaker 2: sure like this is what we discussed in the actual
Speaker 2: question itself. There is so much embarrassment and probably and
Speaker 2: I don't mean embarrassment about the fact that you've been
Speaker 2: cheated on, embarrassment about staying and feeling as though that
Speaker 2: there's going to be judgment there. So you push a
Speaker 2: the people who might have feelings about your husband because
Speaker 2: of all the things that you've said. And I feel
Speaker 2: so sorry for the person who wrote this in because
Speaker 2: at the end of the day, she's not going to
Speaker 2: be as big a part in this kid's life, and
Speaker 2: they're not going to be as big a friends as
Speaker 2: what they once upon a time were. And all of
Speaker 2: this is because of the behavior of this girl's husband
Speaker 2: and the fact that he cheated on and got another
Speaker 2: woman pregnantly.
Speaker 3: It's like a really really sad situation for everyone. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and it would still be really hard for your friend
Speaker 3: knowing that even though the pregnancy didn't continue, he still
Speaker 3: sees her all the time.
Speaker 2: I can't even imagine that part of it would be
Speaker 2: so hard to stomach.
Speaker 3: It's wild to me, wild to have like still said, Hey,
Speaker 3: I cheated on you, I got someone pregnant, but she's
Speaker 3: not having it. I still want to see those Is
Speaker 3: that cool? You can check my phone if you want. Like,
Speaker 3: there's a lot to that, But I guess that's not
Speaker 3: what this is about. It is sad that she is
Speaker 3: pulling away from you. I'm sure you can still save
Speaker 3: that if you really want to. Like, she doesn't want
Speaker 3: to talk about it. She knows, you know, she's still embarrassed.
Speaker 3: She's probably not overly happy with the life choices, but
Speaker 3: she's committed to them at the moment. Like, if you
Speaker 3: wanted to repair that relationship, I believe from the outside
Speaker 3: you could.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I I mean, one of the big things
Speaker 2: we covered in this and I still feel it, and
Speaker 2: it was that the fact that cheating affects everyone. That
Speaker 2: doesn't just affect the people that are in that relationship,
Speaker 2: but absolutely affects the friendships that are around it, especially
Speaker 2: if you are the friend couple and you hold a
Speaker 2: high moral compass or like those belief systems don't align
Speaker 2: with you. The behavior doesn't align with you because you
Speaker 2: kind of feel as though, well, I don't know.
Speaker 3: Who this person is anymore.
Speaker 2: And like I kind of think it's very particular when
Speaker 2: it's a situation where the two of you, like you're
Speaker 2: a couple and you're friends with another couple, and this
Speaker 2: other couple are going through it because you once upon
Speaker 2: a time would have bonded over the things that you thought, Oh,
Speaker 2: we had so many aligned values, like we got on
Speaker 2: so well, Like we're similar people, and that's why as
Speaker 2: couple couple friends we get along so well. When you
Speaker 2: find out that one person has like really done the
Speaker 2: wrong thing by their partner and completely betrayed them, doesn't
Speaker 2: just portray them, it portrays the friendship too, even though
Speaker 2: that's like very secondary. So I understand how it affects
Speaker 2: everyone in this instance, and I I think there are
Speaker 2: no winners in this aftermath, unfortunately.
Speaker 4: I also think about the woman who got pregnant, Like
Speaker 4: I really hope she was supported throughout that process as well,
Speaker 4: like that decision process and also the physical process of
Speaker 4: going through a termination.
Speaker 5: You know, it's a careful situation for her as well.
Speaker 3: It really is, all right, question number two, I'm in
Speaker 3: serious need of some advice. I can't tell anyone else,
Speaker 3: so you guys are it. I found my husband on
Speaker 3: a gay dating platform. I went to look up something
Speaker 3: in Safari on his phone because mine was upstairs. This
Speaker 3: is a normal thing to do, but it was there
Speaker 3: when I clicked onto the app. I didn't know what
Speaker 3: it was at the time, and I just moved past it,
Speaker 3: but something made me look further into it later that evening.
Speaker 3: I found him on this app pretty easily, and I
Speaker 3: don't know how to approach the subject with him. Ps
Speaker 3: The amount of married men on this platform is insane.
Speaker 3: It's called Sniffys, which I have never heard of.
Speaker 1: I'm googling it right now.
Speaker 3: It's called Sniffi's and it's completely anonymous unless someone recognizes
Speaker 3: the body part posted like I did, so I'm assuming
Speaker 3: its like neck down and if someone has a tattoo
Speaker 3: or like piercing or there's something you.
Speaker 2: Know, okay, So to give you context, Sniffy's is a
Speaker 2: map based cruising app for the curious. Sniffy's emphasizes cruising
Speaker 2: as an immersive, interactive experience, making it the hottest app
Speaker 2: available for anyone who's not sure what cruising is cruising
Speaker 2: is searching for a sexual partner in a public or
Speaker 2: semi public space. It's a term that historically roots is
Speaker 2: a coded way for gay men to recognize each other
Speaker 2: and seek out sexual encounters. Something I learned is that
Speaker 2: cruising does not mean you like going on cruise ships.
Speaker 3: I was impact that I learned on that episode. Everybody,
Speaker 3: I was about to say, we all remember when Klaura.
Speaker 3: We remember when Laura Laura. We remember when Laura announced
Speaker 3: very like adamantly, She's like, guys, I am now a cruiser.
Speaker 3: I call myself a born again cruiser.
Speaker 2: I want to say, after the back of this, ask
Speaker 2: gun cut, I have never done so much research into Sniffy's.
Speaker 2: If you had gone in to my Google history search,
Speaker 2: Matt would have seen that and thought that there was
Speaker 2: something going on, because I was like, I'm fascinated Sniffy
Speaker 2: this Sniffy that I was all about it.
Speaker 3: This is an interesting response.
Speaker 2: Look, the response to this is a tricky one, and
Speaker 2: we have some feelings. Thanks so much for your wonderful advice.
Speaker 2: I approached Hubby about it and he denied everything, saying
Speaker 2: it must have been an ad off a pawn page
Speaker 2: or something. He assured me that the profile I found
Speaker 2: on there was somewhat else's, as he would never cheat
Speaker 2: on me, especially with a man. He gave me his
Speaker 2: phone to go through, and I swiped through the screens
Speaker 2: and found a private messenger app that he'd paid ten
Speaker 2: dollars for. No messages in there, but I'm sorry who
Speaker 2: pays ten dollars for a private messaging app. I also
Speaker 2: found a photo album app that had a password that
Speaker 2: he apparently can't remember.
Speaker 3: Fuck.
Speaker 2: I didn't dive any further as the whole thing just
Speaker 2: felt awkward and I already felt like I'd invaded his
Speaker 2: privacy enough. My bones tell me that he is guilty
Speaker 2: of something, but I'm not sure of the extent of it.
Speaker 2: But then I've got him telling me it's all in
Speaker 2: my head and that he loves me. Could I be
Speaker 2: losing my mind?
Speaker 3: Am?
Speaker 2: I booked in to see a psychologist next Friday so
Speaker 2: I can get all of this out and have some
Speaker 2: assistance in working through the next steps. Yes, he doesn't
Speaker 2: want to join the session as he is against therapy.
Speaker 1: He sounds like he's healthy.
Speaker 2: Appreciate you all and the work that you do, your
Speaker 2: advice and non judgmental approach is amazing.
Speaker 1: Thanks again.
Speaker 3: This one for me is really hard because we don't
Speaker 3: know the situation obviously from what she's saying. But I
Speaker 3: hate making statements, but I do want to say it
Speaker 3: is so highly unlikely that you clicked on a porn
Speaker 3: ad that downloaded a dating app that signed you up
Speaker 3: for ten dollars on your phone, Like that doesn't happen.
Speaker 3: And then we have the added layer. And I'm very
Speaker 3: conscious that this listener will highly likely be listening to this,
Speaker 3: but I'm very conscious of using the word but he
Speaker 3: is gaslighting you in this situation by saying like you're
Speaker 3: crazy and like you're imagining it and whatever. And I
Speaker 3: love you. I have no doubt he loves you. I
Speaker 3: don't think that is a question at all. But I
Speaker 3: do think that your husband is really dealing with some
Speaker 3: stuff like these apps aren't just even if it was
Speaker 3: downloaded to your phone accidentally, somehow it doesn't sign you
Speaker 3: up and puts you on the dating app with your profile.
Speaker 2: And so there's even more to this though, like the
Speaker 2: fact that he has a photo vault in his phone
Speaker 2: that he just simply can't remember the password too. Like
Speaker 2: that to me alarm bells, Okay, reset the password, then
Speaker 2: you can do that, figure out how to get in there.
Speaker 1: I want to see it.
Speaker 2: I'm not saying that you need to hold that sort
Speaker 2: of intervention and then like you know, you've said it
Speaker 2: already forel awkward and that you totally invaded his privacy enough.
Speaker 2: It is like he doesn't have to give you that
Speaker 2: level of inclusion into his privacy. But there are enough
Speaker 2: red flags here for you that your intuition is screaming
Speaker 2: at you. And I am such a big believer that
Speaker 2: if your intuition is raging, that is your internal warning
Speaker 2: system telling you that something is wrong. We have said
Speaker 2: that since day one of this podcast, and I think
Speaker 2: that that has been a current theme in the advice
Speaker 2: that we've given. I'm not saying you should leave your relationship.
Speaker 2: I'm not saying that it's over. I'm not saying that
Speaker 2: he can't come around and maybe Look, everyone is different,
Speaker 2: you know, some people are able to move on from
Speaker 2: situations and not know everything. I myself are someone who
Speaker 2: like I need clarity, I need like a bow on
Speaker 2: the problems, and I need to feel as though my
Speaker 2: feelings of insanity are being validated because I know I'm
Speaker 2: not just an insane person that creates drama for no reason.
Speaker 2: And I dare say, with the very level question and
Speaker 2: the very level response that you have sent in, you
Speaker 2: are not insane either. The fact that he refuses to
Speaker 2: do therapy because he's against therapy doesn't really show me
Speaker 2: that he's working towards solving this problem. He's saying there
Speaker 2: is no problem and the problem is you, which I
Speaker 2: don't think fixes this at all. And I hate that
Speaker 2: you don't have a solution to this.
Speaker 3: But also and I don't have a solution for you either. Unfortunately,
Speaker 3: I don't know what you can do in this situation.
Speaker 3: What I will, hands down say he said it's in
Speaker 3: your head. It's not. It's physically there. You've seen it,
Speaker 3: so we can scrap that. And I feel like you
Speaker 3: can say that to him, babe, this is not in
Speaker 3: my head. We obviously need to talk about it. We
Speaker 3: do need to be hyper aware that there is something
Speaker 3: huge going on with your partner internally, like he's not
Speaker 3: admitting it. You are married, you are a man and woman.
Speaker 3: He's on a gay dating app. You have seen him.
Speaker 3: Of course, he's going to be defensive, like that is
Speaker 3: always going to be his first port of call. You
Speaker 3: are never going to have that conversation and say, hey,
Speaker 3: I found this gay dating app and he's going to
Speaker 3: say you got me, like our marriage is a scam
Speaker 3: or whatever. Like it's never going to happen on that
Speaker 3: first confrontation. But you do need to continue the conversation.
Speaker 3: You said, I feel in my bones something He's not right.
Speaker 3: You need to sit in that. But I don't know
Speaker 3: what else to say to you, because I would normally say,
Speaker 3: you guys need to go and speak to someone. But
Speaker 3: if you can't physically drag someone there, if he doesn't
Speaker 3: want to, if he says no, I don't believe in it.
Speaker 3: You need to continue the conversation though.
Speaker 2: But you know what the really relieving thing is. Sometimes
Speaker 2: it's not about going to therapy together. Sometimes it is
Speaker 2: about going to therapy by yourself or going and seeing
Speaker 2: a psychologist. Because we don't have all the information. Obviously,
Speaker 2: we get what you guys give us. And this was
Speaker 2: particularly a question that we got a lot of responses to.
Speaker 2: And the thing is is going and speaking to a
Speaker 2: therapist can either give you the tools to help fix
Speaker 2: something if you're both working on it. Ultimately it can
Speaker 2: also give you the tools to leave if that's something
Speaker 2: that you choose to do too. But you're not going
Speaker 2: to know that until you sit down and you really
Speaker 2: work through it. And I think the fact that you
Speaker 2: have made that decision because you feel so deeply uncomfortable
Speaker 2: by where you are at in your relationship is incredible
Speaker 2: and you should be like, genuinely, you should feel so
Speaker 2: proud of yourself for putting those measures in place.
Speaker 3: And I do think you need to push a little
Speaker 3: bit more. I wouldn't normally say this. I don't know,
Speaker 3: but you need to push a little bit more. On
Speaker 3: the photo album that is locked with a password. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 3: if you've forgotten that, you just reset it.
Speaker 4: I just think the app thing, when can you download
Speaker 4: an app by accident and need to face It needs
Speaker 4: a log and it needs a pass, You need to
Speaker 4: upload a photo.
Speaker 1: You need to give it details like do you know
Speaker 1: what your data it's akin to?
Speaker 2: It's a kin to when And this is probably happened
Speaker 2: to lots of people fugging opened to move. When someone
Speaker 2: sees your boyfriend on Tinder and you're like, hey, why
Speaker 2: are you on Tinder? We've been together for two years
Speaker 2: and they say, Oh, it's just so weird. It's been
Speaker 2: inactive for so long, but somehow it's just back in
Speaker 2: the Tinder swiping atmosphere.
Speaker 3: It doesn't happen, guys, It's not really a photos that
Speaker 3: you've taken.
Speaker 1: It's not real, I think.
Speaker 2: And really, maybe we haven't talked about this enough recently
Speaker 2: or whatever. But like if a guy says that to you,
Speaker 2: they've been on Tinder, it's not. Tinder is not just
Speaker 2: throwing profiles out into the atmosphere.
Speaker 3: They're really not.
Speaker 4: I actually will say I've had my identity taken two
Speaker 4: or three times on Danny as, but it's a different name.
Speaker 1: That's different.
Speaker 2: I've also had fake accounts made of me and my
Speaker 2: name was Katinka and I liked anal Sex.
Speaker 1: Okay it wasn't me, but.
Speaker 3: That's just not time to admit that that's different. Like
Speaker 3: this is a safe space. Can we just call Laura
Speaker 3: Katinka from here on in?
Speaker 2: No, it's different, like jazz and anal Sex a power
Speaker 2: early according to that, I also lived in New York,
Speaker 2: but she seemed cool.
Speaker 3: No, but it's different now, like all jokes aside to Katinka,
Speaker 3: what's your name? Katinka? Take this seriously, Tinky tinker Bell.
Speaker 3: All jokes aside. You do have to verify almost every
Speaker 3: app now, and verification means that you have checked your
Speaker 3: identity because too many people are stealing it. Is your
Speaker 3: photo often taken and used as someone else, Yes, but
Speaker 3: you cannot sign up to a complete app with your
Speaker 3: photo on your phone accidentally, it doesn't happen.
Speaker 4: Especially photos are our public you know, like ours were
Speaker 4: taken from our public Instagram, whereas the photo that she applied.
Speaker 5: Was on there was like a photo of a body
Speaker 5: part or something.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So I just I think you do need to
Speaker 3: continue the conversation and push a little bit. And I
Speaker 3: don't know what he's going to say up the back
Speaker 3: of it. You might need to make some decisions on
Speaker 3: your own. If he doesn't want to talk about it
Speaker 3: and he doesn't want to go to therapy, there's not
Speaker 3: a lot to do. Then you go to therapy and
Speaker 3: get to a place that you feel comfortable with with yourself.
Speaker 3: But for us there are some little alarm.
Speaker 2: It's interesting though that you push the idea of like
Speaker 2: getting to the bottom of the photo app because I
Speaker 2: know you would. But I have been in the situation
Speaker 2: where my ex you cheated on me lots and lots
Speaker 2: of times. Found loads of things in his phone. So
Speaker 2: do you guys remember the calculator? So yeah, this was
Speaker 2: literally how linear this was. I was laying on a
Speaker 2: beach next to him in Bali. We were laying on
Speaker 2: a beach together, and I was reading an article in
Speaker 2: a tech magazine about how there was an app where
Speaker 2: it appears like a calculator and once you type in
Speaker 2: a certain equation, the equation is a code. And once
Speaker 2: that equation has been typed in the calculator app on
Speaker 2: the phone converts to a photovolt, So it appears to
Speaker 2: anybody else as a normal calculator, but as soon as
Speaker 2: that equation has been entered, it turns into a photovolt.
Speaker 2: And I was reading this article and I was like,
Speaker 2: I bet this motherfucker has that.
Speaker 1: I bet you he does.
Speaker 2: And I was like, hey, honey, can I have your
Speaker 2: phone for a second, and he handed it to me,
Speaker 2: flipped through. There it was the calculator app that I
Speaker 2: had just been reading about in this magazine and I
Speaker 2: was like, put your equation in.
Speaker 1: He was like, what are you talking about?
Speaker 2: Wouldn't give it to me? Absolutely denied, would not give
Speaker 2: it to me. But it was plain day that that
Speaker 2: was the photo app vault that was sitting right there,
Speaker 2: and it was a calculator, and he would never give
Speaker 2: it to me. And I was like, you know what,
Speaker 2: I don't need it. I don't need to see what's
Speaker 2: in it because I know what's in it. I know
Speaker 2: what you're doing. I know that you know how to
Speaker 2: get into this, and so that was enough evidence for me.
Speaker 1: And I think it depends on how much proof you need.
Speaker 3: So my advice here is we need an aftermath of
Speaker 3: the aftermath. I need to know what you're going to
Speaker 3: do off the back of this, because this is there's
Speaker 3: some few big decisions that you need to make. And
Speaker 3: I'm so sorry that you're going through this. We always
Speaker 3: try and be non judgmental and like we try to
Speaker 3: put ourselves in that situation, and I cannot imagine how
Speaker 3: hard that is for you. This is your marriage, Like,
Speaker 3: this is a really huge part of your life that
Speaker 3: you're battling with. But it's really important that you figure
Speaker 3: it out for you because it's a long time for
Speaker 3: you to be uncertain in questioning what your marriage is,
Speaker 3: not being able to trust your partner for them to
Speaker 3: be gaslighting you. Like what he is saying that that's
Speaker 3: in your head. Is so wrong to have done that
Speaker 3: to you. But I'm sure that you're gonna unpack that
Speaker 3: with your therapist. After math. The aftermath for us, we'd
Speaker 3: love that.
Speaker 1: Sniffy is if he's guys all right?
Speaker 3: Good question number three. I'm sorry it's true though. If
Speaker 3: you're on sniffy 're iffy Okay, that's the new tagline
Speaker 3: his question number three. My partner and I were together
Speaker 3: for two years, lived together, were speaking of marriage and
Speaker 3: kids within the coming year. Now, eight months ago, something
Speaker 3: happened randomly and my partner started pulling away. He was
Speaker 3: just so checked out. He said he wanted to go
Speaker 3: to barley with a mate, and when he returned, he
Speaker 3: dumped me. Two days later. Little did I know, he
Speaker 3: found a new girlfriend in BALI made it official and
Speaker 3: hard launched their relationship on Instagram just two weeks later.
Speaker 3: I was beyond heartbroken. I moved back in with my
Speaker 3: parents and was the worst time of my life. Now,
Speaker 3: fast forward eight months, he's called things off with the
Speaker 3: new girl. He said he can't move on from me.
Speaker 3: He still loves me, he said he has realized what
Speaker 3: he's lost. He has massive issues, and he's willing to
Speaker 3: do anything to fix this, including apples, counseling, and deleting
Speaker 3: his social media in order to gain my trust back.
Speaker 3: My whole family and friends hate him, and I don't
Speaker 3: know what to do. Is it worth giving him another
Speaker 3: go and trust that he won't break my heart again?
Speaker 3: Or am I just risking ending up back at square one?
Speaker 3: Has too much damage been done? Please play the responses
Speaker 3: of this.
Speaker 2: We did not agree. We did not agree on this one. Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm going to tell you what I think from reading this.
Speaker 2: He did not find a girlfriend over in Bali. He
Speaker 2: went to Bally he met her before Bali. He met
Speaker 2: her here. He checked out because he had started to
Speaker 2: have feelings with someone else. He was confused, didn't know
Speaker 2: what he wanted. He went to Bally to be with her.
Speaker 2: Decided in Bali that he was going to come home,
Speaker 2: break up with you, and then have that relationship. I
Speaker 2: might be wrong, but I would literally bet my left
Speaker 2: kidney that that's what happened. You could be wrong, but
Speaker 2: I could be wrong, but it seems all very severe
Speaker 2: and then very instant to go to Bali and fall
Speaker 2: in love and come back, and because two weeks to
Speaker 2: announce you've got a new girlfriend after just breaking up
Speaker 2: to me, that's like, oh, in his mind, that's been
Speaker 2: going on for a while.
Speaker 3: He needed that to like solidify.
Speaker 2: Look, it's easy to give advice when it seems so
Speaker 2: clear cut.
Speaker 1: Your family and your friends are right.
Speaker 2: I would not be giving somebody who could so easily
Speaker 2: dispose of our life, our relationship. The fact that we
Speaker 2: were living together, the fact that we were talking about
Speaker 2: getting married, like you weren't just casually dating and he
Speaker 2: was still deciding what he wanted. You had a whole
Speaker 2: committed life together. And it was two years, which two
Speaker 2: years is a long time when you've been in a relationship,
Speaker 2: but it's not a long time for someone to turn around,
Speaker 2: cheat on you, leave you, and then come back and say,
Speaker 2: oh my god, I made a terrible mistake. I only
Speaker 2: want to be with you. I would not be giving
Speaker 2: him a second chance. I would not be giving him
Speaker 2: the opportunity to hurt me in the way that he
Speaker 2: has done this.
Speaker 3: I've got slightly different advice. Oh, I agree with everything
Speaker 3: you said, Okay, but I think that that is the
Speaker 3: obvious on paper answer that everyone would say, fuck him,
Speaker 3: You're better than that. The fact is you're with him
Speaker 3: for two years, you live together, you saw your life together.
Speaker 3: You love him, and we know that someone can do
Speaker 3: the wrong thing and it doesn't change the fact that
Speaker 3: you still love him. The fact that you've written this
Speaker 3: to us means it is not clear cut for you. You
Speaker 3: don't know if you should go back, so you probably
Speaker 3: do still have feelings. My advice would be to take
Speaker 3: him up, not to go back to him, not to
Speaker 3: give him anything. Take him up on the couple's counseling,
Speaker 3: go to a session with your eyes wide open, listen
Speaker 3: to what he has to say. You say your part,
Speaker 3: let the therapist give their opinion. Then I would maybe
Speaker 3: even have a session off the back of that alone
Speaker 3: so you can go through things, because you've obviously got
Speaker 3: to work through some things in your head. I think
Speaker 3: you'll end up getting to that answer of not being together,
Speaker 3: Like I think that's where you're going to end up.
Speaker 3: But sometimes you need to take the harder route to
Speaker 3: find it. Like, sometimes it's not as clear cut as
Speaker 3: your friend's just going he's a fuck with don't go there.
Speaker 3: I wish it were that easy, but it's not. I've
Speaker 3: been in those situations. I've been with absolute time, heard
Speaker 3: burgers who I would have tried to go back to,
Speaker 3: because you need to get there on your own. That's
Speaker 3: what my advice would be in this situation. Oh, I
Speaker 3: feel so differently about this. I went back to problematic
Speaker 3: partners many times.
Speaker 2: Of course I did, And I wish I had had
Speaker 2: more self confidence and I had more trust that I
Speaker 2: was going to meet someone better, and that I had
Speaker 2: more love and compassion for myself than the love and
Speaker 2: compassion I had for them.
Speaker 1: That's the reality.
Speaker 2: The reason why I kept going back and going back
Speaker 2: and going back was because I was like, they've got
Speaker 2: bad mental health, They're in a bad space. They're the
Speaker 2: ones who were hurting, and I wanted to fix them
Speaker 2: and I wanted to be with them. I didn't care
Speaker 2: about what it was doing to my mental health. I
Speaker 2: didn't care about how it was absolutely eroding my self
Speaker 2: confidence and my ability to make my friendships the way
Speaker 2: my family saw me. Like it is and I think
Speaker 2: a very very dangerous place for you to get into,
Speaker 2: to go to couple's therapy with him, because it gives
Speaker 2: him every opportunity to victimize himself in this situation. Yes,
Speaker 2: he may be going through a bad place. He's also
Speaker 2: going through a break up right now, right he left
Speaker 2: you to be with someone else. He's been with that
Speaker 2: person for eight months. He left you with the confidence
Speaker 2: that that was going to be a relationship that worked out,
Speaker 2: and now his life is in tatters and he's come
Speaker 2: crawling back to what was safe, familiar, and who's going
Speaker 2: to make him feel better. Oh that girl, he loves
Speaker 2: me so much that will take me back, even if
Speaker 2: I've been with someone else for eight months. He's trying
Speaker 2: to fix a hole in him, right, And yeah, he's
Speaker 2: saying he'll go to therapy, he'll do all the things,
Speaker 2: No doubt he'll do that. I think you deserve better.
Speaker 2: I think you need to have the trust and faith
Speaker 2: in yourself that you will meet someone who you love
Speaker 2: more than him and who treats you better than this.
Speaker 3: Fucking hate this guy. I hate him him, I hate him.
Speaker 3: I hate him.
Speaker 4: To look on your face, Oh, it was speaking like
Speaker 4: you just got angrier and angrier.
Speaker 2: You know what, because I get what you're saying, brit
Speaker 2: I absolutely get it. Sometimes you need to go back
Speaker 2: to learn the.
Speaker 3: Lesson more times than not.
Speaker 2: You have to, But I would love to be able
Speaker 2: to say and look at something objectively and go you
Speaker 2: know what, You might go back. You might need to
Speaker 2: learn that lesson, but you shouldn't have to. He has
Speaker 2: proven already multiple times to be the person and the
Speaker 2: version that you think he is. Everybody else can see
Speaker 2: it for what it is. Don't subject yourself to going back.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but that's why I said at the start of
Speaker 3: this that it's not black and white. It's easy to
Speaker 3: say that we wish it was that. Psychologically it's not
Speaker 3: that easy. We know that sometimes you have to learn
Speaker 3: things the hard way. But I wanted to give realistic advice.
Speaker 3: And can I say she definitely did take my advice
Speaker 3: and she did go back and it did not turn out. Well, Well,
Speaker 3: let me tell you, he's exactly the person I thought
Speaker 3: he was. This it's actually wild. I ended up catching
Speaker 3: up and hearing my ex out truthfully, and it's embarrassing
Speaker 3: to admit. I started falling for it. He nearly had me.
Speaker 3: He even started convincing my family and friends, who all
Speaker 3: hated his guts. I was so close to giving in
Speaker 3: when I received an anonymous message from someone from a
Speaker 3: fake Instagram account. The message told me that my ex
Speaker 3: had never actually ended things with the girl that he
Speaker 3: cheated on me with. They were still very much in
Speaker 3: a relationship all the while. Well, he was also sleeping
Speaker 3: with and dating a new person he had met at
Speaker 3: the gym. He was in two relationships with two separate girls,
Speaker 3: and also trying to rekindle the relationship with me at
Speaker 3: the same time. I'm actually wondering if this was my ex.
Speaker 3: We both told him where to go, We cut him
Speaker 3: off immediately from our lives. We have actually become friends
Speaker 3: since then, because it turns out he also lied to
Speaker 3: her about being in a relationship with me when they
Speaker 3: met in Bali. The guy's a psychopath. Unfortunately, the third
Speaker 3: girl he was dating has chosen to continue a relationship
Speaker 3: with him and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for your amazing advice. It means
Speaker 3: the world and it was extremely helpful. I wanted to
Speaker 3: include that.
Speaker 2: I'm do lad, but also I feel really sorry for
Speaker 2: this third girl who's just now in the vortex of
Speaker 2: this absolute slop of a man.
Speaker 3: Like what a pig? Do you not have a job?
Speaker 4: Like how the fuck do you have the time how
Speaker 4: do you have the mental space to take on three?
Speaker 3: This is the thing though, Ray my ex had eight
Speaker 3: and had one of the most intense jobs you've ever
Speaker 3: heard of. Like, if they want to do it, it's
Speaker 3: a control trip, they can do it it.
Speaker 2: Also, like I think you know when you're in this
Speaker 2: type of situation, there are so many red flags because
Speaker 2: you never feel at ease in a way that you
Speaker 2: do when your relationship is stable and comfortable. You always
Speaker 2: feel like they're not accessible all the time, or like,
Speaker 2: you know, why is their phone off or that something's
Speaker 2: come up. Plans change, things shift, but it becomes It's
Speaker 2: crazy how quickly certain behaviors become normal, and then you
Speaker 2: give grace to it.
Speaker 3: Like you see the red flags.
Speaker 2: You know that they're not consistent with how someone should behave,
Speaker 2: but they're consistent for that person.
Speaker 3: So you're like, well, it's just kind of what he's like.
Speaker 2: And so you start to become familiar with like a
Speaker 2: bad pattern in a relationship and you just aren't even
Speaker 2: aware to it.
Speaker 3: Anyway.
Speaker 2: I just want to say, I'm so glad that you're
Speaker 2: out of this. I'm so glad that you found friendship
Speaker 2: in the other person as well. There's something really empowering
Speaker 2: and awesome about that. How often women are pitted against
Speaker 2: each other. Often we can choose to hate the other
Speaker 2: woman because they're the reason why our relationship didn't work out.
Speaker 2: But it's so nice to know that, like, the reason
Speaker 2: isn't her, the reason is him, And you guys had
Speaker 2: that friendship.
Speaker 4: I have this actually where an ex of mine got
Speaker 4: a new partner and I got this message from her Instagram.
Speaker 5: I knew who she was, and I got this message
Speaker 5: from her.
Speaker 4: It must have been a year or a year and
Speaker 4: a half later, and it basically was like, I've only
Speaker 4: just found out that you exist. I think you might
Speaker 4: be the only person in the world who actually understands
Speaker 4: what I'm talking about, because the thing about men like
Speaker 4: this is that some of their behavior is so insidious
Speaker 4: and it's so gradual that when you explain it to other.
Speaker 3: People it's crazy, it sounds crazy.
Speaker 4: And the really comforting thing in talking with someone who's
Speaker 4: experienced the same person is that you don't have to
Speaker 4: explain it. She was saying things to me on the phone,
Speaker 4: and I was like, oh, say less, I get you.
Speaker 4: I so understand how that feels. This is my experience,
Speaker 4: and she's a beautiful person and we are nice friends now,
Speaker 4: and I doubleda her instagrams.
Speaker 3: All the time. I flew down when I found out
Speaker 3: who my ex the other girl he was marrying, because
Speaker 3: it was full two blown relationships. I flew down to her.
Speaker 3: We were friends. We went out partying, We got so drunk,
Speaker 3: I was vomiting out a taxi like. We had the
Speaker 3: best time because we realized that it was neither of us.
Speaker 3: But this is also why, like I do stand by
Speaker 3: my advice of sorting it out for yourself sometimes because
Speaker 3: if you didn't go back, you would always wonder you
Speaker 3: still had those feelings, you still loved him. You'd be like,
Speaker 3: what if, because he sounds like he's a mass manipulator.
Speaker 3: He would have made you feel like maybe you made
Speaker 3: the wrong choice. You went back, and now you know,
Speaker 3: hands down ten times more. Like it is so easy
Speaker 3: to cut someone off when you have this level of information,
Speaker 3: as before he had you convinced of like, I made
Speaker 3: a truly horrific mistake. You're my person. I love you.
Speaker 3: I can understand why you have to figure this shit out.
Speaker 2: I agree with you. My only thing I want to
Speaker 2: say the contradicts it a little bit. Is that this
Speaker 2: person it is a very fortunate situation that someone anonymously
Speaker 2: slid into her DMS that may not have happened, and
Speaker 2: this could have gone on for years. And I don't
Speaker 2: think that we should necessarily prioritize having every single bit
Speaker 2: of evidence because it will mean you will stay in
Speaker 2: relationships for so fucking long because you are desperate to
Speaker 2: find the truth or to give some another chance. I
Speaker 2: think if people show you who they are, believe it,
Speaker 2: have the confidence in yourself to walk away. I didn't
Speaker 2: have that, and I wasn't able to do that when
Speaker 2: I was in my twenties, and it is my biggest
Speaker 2: regret in my long term relationships that I didn't have
Speaker 2: the fucking ability to go. You know what, Actually, I
Speaker 2: see you for the person that you are. I'm not
Speaker 2: going to fix this. I know how you behaved and
Speaker 2: it is not good enough for me. And that is
Speaker 2: the reason why I guess maybe sometimes it's hard love
Speaker 2: that I give in my advice, and it's simply because
Speaker 2: I wish I had done it differently.
Speaker 3: At the end of the day, you've figured it out.
Speaker 3: We're stoked for you in a way. That you've moved on,
Speaker 3: and I am hoping you're in a happy place, so
Speaker 3: thank you for writing that. In all right, the.
Speaker 1: Question number four is a real doozy one.
Speaker 2: Let me tell you it's certainly not a high brow
Speaker 2: question that we got, and it has to do with farts.
Speaker 3: Let's have listen to this. I've been seeing this guy
Speaker 3: for about three months now. We're exclusive and it's going
Speaker 3: very well. It's the first time I'm getting serious with
Speaker 3: so the first time I've been hanging out with a
Speaker 3: guy quite a lot, all night and all weekend. The
Speaker 3: issue is, I'm quite a gassy person by nature.
Speaker 1: Same babe.
Speaker 3: I don't have any stomach issues. I just tend to
Speaker 3: need to do a few pop offs after big meals
Speaker 3: are in the morning. I also poop quite a lot too,
Speaker 3: Same girl. Same I mean, wait, you nevers to pool
Speaker 3: around him, and I get scared he's going to go
Speaker 3: in after me and smell what I have just done.
Speaker 3: I'm also holding in all of my farts. This is
Speaker 3: causing me serious stomach aches and paints. I'm often recovering
Speaker 3: from holding me in from one to two days after
Speaker 3: seeing him. Side note, he fights in front of me,
Speaker 3: but I'm too embarrassed to do it back. We had
Speaker 3: different advice.
Speaker 2: I was like, let it fly free, let it fly free,
Speaker 2: fart all you like shit in that bathroom, that's what
Speaker 2: they're for.
Speaker 3: No, our advice was the same. The only difference was
Speaker 3: you said let it go in front of him, and
Speaker 3: I said go to the bathroom. I was like, you're
Speaker 3: allowed to far, it's normal. But Laura and I have
Speaker 3: different things. Laura is happy to cock her butt, cheek
Speaker 3: and fart wherever.
Speaker 1: I run a quality and parody in my relationships.
Speaker 2: If he's gonna far in bed next to me, you
Speaker 2: better believe I'm gonna fart in bed next to him.
Speaker 3: Are farting? Isn't a quality like? That is not what
Speaker 3: we put a quality on. We fought for these rights.
Speaker 2: I bought for these right right my grandmother and her grandmother.
Speaker 2: They all thought so that I can far in front
Speaker 2: of my husband and he doesn't think I'm less of
Speaker 2: a lady.
Speaker 3: Goddamn it, that's what they did. Let me read it
Speaker 3: to you. I took your advice about being honest and
Speaker 3: started saying I'm going to go to another room because
Speaker 3: I need to fight. Or I would say you're not
Speaker 3: allowed to go into the bathroom right now after my poop.
Speaker 3: I still haven't actually farted in front of him, though, Shane, wait,
Speaker 3: do you do it? You'll feel so liberated. But not
Speaker 3: long after I message you guys, we started doing long distance.
Speaker 3: So now I'm farting all over the place. Fowls have
Speaker 3: never felt better. He's coming to visit soon, so I
Speaker 3: think I'll have to take a step back and have
Speaker 3: to be romantic again. I think this is funny, perfect.
Speaker 3: You've owned it. He knows your fart, he knows your poop.
Speaker 3: You don't do it in front of him. For me,
Speaker 3: this is like the most beautiful response to an ask
Speaker 3: on gut well done. This is deeff the question I
Speaker 3: was hanging on the edge of my seat for.
Speaker 2: Can I just say there is nothing worse than how
Speaker 2: gassy you get when you're pregnant as well, and you're
Speaker 2: gassy anyway, it is tenfold. Vanessa, did you have this
Speaker 2: when you were pregnant? Yea, Vanessa is our video editor
Speaker 2: and she's still gassy. Yeah, I feel it's the rum
Speaker 2: all right. Question number five. This question got people so
Speaker 2: fucking angry on our social media, and rightly so. We
Speaker 2: spoke about coesse of control off the back of this,
Speaker 2: and really, I think, like if you haven't seen this
Speaker 2: question before, like I'm looking forward to what the answer is.
Speaker 2: But it was one that really kind of sparked some
Speaker 2: conversation across the laugh on Cut community.
Speaker 3: My husband doesn't like me wearing g strings. Now.
Speaker 2: We have been together for twelve years, since I was seventeen,
Speaker 2: married with three young kids. When I was younger, I
Speaker 2: never wore g strings. I thought they were uncomfortable. Fast
Speaker 2: forward to my late twenties and in the past year,
Speaker 2: I've started wearing g strings to go to the gym
Speaker 2: for comfort and more for a seamless style.
Speaker 1: My husband does not like this.
Speaker 2: He thinks that I am disrespecting his boundaries and that
Speaker 2: I'm not being a good wife because I'm parading myself
Speaker 2: by wearing that kind of underwear with short leggings running
Speaker 2: or going to the gym. Yeah, while he is working
Speaker 2: hard to provide for our family, I think the request
Speaker 2: to control the type of underwear I wear is over
Speaker 2: the top, and it was a decision I made for
Speaker 2: myself and for my own comfort and not to parade
Speaker 2: to others. I don't want to disrespect him or his boundaries?
Speaker 2: Though what do I do now?
Speaker 3: We both had the same response to this. I think
Speaker 3: that is really obvious.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it made us really mad.
Speaker 2: I mean, no man should ever tell you what you
Speaker 2: can and can't wear for your underwear, like you shouldn't
Speaker 2: have to even explain yourself. The fact that this became
Speaker 2: a conversation around boundaries, which we've had this reoccurring theme
Speaker 2: in oskon cuts before the weaponizing of therapy talk as
Speaker 2: a way of controlling someone to do what you want,
Speaker 2: and that's exactly what he's doing in this situation, saying
Speaker 2: when you say I don't want to disrespect him or
Speaker 2: his boundaries, your underwear is not his boundaries.
Speaker 1: They're two very different things.
Speaker 2: And that was evident in the overwhelming response that we
Speaker 2: receive from Life Is about this question.
Speaker 3: And a big part of my response was based around
Speaker 3: the fact that you have written this in because you
Speaker 3: didn't know if it was normal. You had been with
Speaker 3: your partner since you were seventeen for twelve years, and
Speaker 3: I truly believe a lot of this was based around
Speaker 3: the fact that you were not naive, but you didn't
Speaker 3: have the lived experience because you just quite frankly, haven't
Speaker 3: been in another adult relationship. There's nothing against that, and
Speaker 3: sometimes we don't have those conversations with our friends and families.
Speaker 3: And I'm assuming you had never had that conversation, which
Speaker 3: is why you wrote into us, And from your answer
Speaker 3: it sounds like that was accurate.
Speaker 1: Well, I would agree.
Speaker 2: The other thing I want to add to this is
Speaker 2: that coercive control and control of any kind can also
Speaker 2: be a slow creep. It's something that might not seem
Speaker 2: as though it is that unfamiliar or it is that overbearing.
Speaker 2: But if he's doing this about your underwear, I dare
Speaker 2: say he's doing it at other aspects of your life too.
Speaker 2: And you know, we touched on the fact that after
Speaker 2: you have children, sometimes your life gets a little bit
Speaker 2: smaller because you're primarily for a lot of women, you're
Speaker 2: taking care of kids, and so you become more contained.
Speaker 2: And then as your kids get a little bit older,
Speaker 2: you know, you want to go back to the gym
Speaker 2: and you want to do things that are for yourself,
Speaker 2: and some controlling or more controlling partners find that transition
Speaker 2: really challenging and it is a fucking massive red flag.
Speaker 1: This is what you had to say.
Speaker 3: This response, I don't think is a good response. Unfortunately,
Speaker 3: it has some good aspects in it, but overall, you
Speaker 3: guys have a listen. It hasn't been easy navigating this
Speaker 3: relationship when it's all I've ever known. I appreciated the
Speaker 3: opportunity to hear others thoughts, opinions and realized that it
Speaker 3: is not normal behavior. Thank you for that. It helped
Speaker 3: me to feel stronger for sticking up for myself. Part
Speaker 3: of me is actually ashamed to admit that since I
Speaker 3: sent in that question, I have also found out that
Speaker 3: my husband has cheated on me. But still I found
Speaker 3: myself unable to leave, even though I to. When it's good,
Speaker 3: it's good, and when it's bad, it's bad. Over the
Speaker 3: past two years, my eyes have been open to how
Speaker 3: much emotional abuse has occurred within the relationship. Having my
Speaker 3: question answered also helped cement that a little bit more
Speaker 3: for me. But it is definitely a vicious cycle of
Speaker 3: also being blamed for occurrences and then having the mental
Speaker 3: battle of well, maybe this is my fault, or maybe
Speaker 3: if I did do this, or if I said this differently,
Speaker 3: it wouldn't have happened. In short, I did stand up
Speaker 3: for myself and my rights in being able to make
Speaker 3: decisions for myself, and I did continue to wear what
Speaker 3: I wanted to wear. Bit by bit, I'm getting stronger
Speaker 3: and better at sticking up for myself, and I still
Speaker 3: have a long way to go this. Actually, I don't
Speaker 3: know why this makes me want to cry, because I
Speaker 3: feel like because it's not a resolution, and you when
Speaker 3: you hear someone say I want to leave, but I can't,
Speaker 3: there's so much more to this, and I'm so glad
Speaker 3: hearing that you've realized what is normal behavior and is
Speaker 3: not normal behavior. And it does sound like you're taking
Speaker 3: things back into control a little bit in your relationship,
Speaker 3: which is amazing that that is happening, But you still
Speaker 3: don't have to be in a relationship you don't want
Speaker 3: to be in.
Speaker 2: I think that this is also a very very good reminder,
Speaker 2: and we talked about this recently on an Ask on
Speaker 2: Cut episode. It's a very good reminder that the people
Speaker 2: who write these questions in are real people, and sometimes
Speaker 2: the feedback on the reels or in the discussion group
Speaker 2: can be quite brutal because we read a question and
Speaker 2: it seems so evident like this is course of control.
Speaker 2: Get the fuck out, and people write, people write advice
Speaker 2: given in a way that's not given to a friend,
Speaker 2: sometimes because it is their immediate knee jerk reaction, but
Speaker 2: having the context of what it is that you're living,
Speaker 2: where you're at in your relationship, and how this has
Speaker 2: been something that has been systemic throughout your entire relationship
Speaker 2: so many years. I think it's a really nice reminder
Speaker 2: to all of us. And like, when I say to
Speaker 2: you guys, I don't mean like you specifically, but to
Speaker 2: our community that the people who write these questions in
Speaker 2: a real people.
Speaker 3: They are dealing with very, very real problems.
Speaker 2: And some of it goes a lot deeper than my
Speaker 2: husband told me that I can't wear x y underwear,
Speaker 2: you know, like that's the tip of the iceberg, that's
Speaker 2: the thing that's made the question be written in. But
Speaker 2: that type of behavior is indicative of so much more
Speaker 2: that lays beneath and I'm just really grateful that maybe
Speaker 2: your eyes have been opened to a little bit more,
Speaker 2: that you are able to stand up for yourself a
Speaker 2: little bit more in this relationship, and this is the
Speaker 2: first step to you figuring out exactly what it is
Speaker 2: that you want and building the confidence if it is
Speaker 2: what you want to leave, because it sounds evident that
Speaker 2: things are not good here.
Speaker 3: And I still I hate saying this, but I do
Speaker 3: want to encourage you to leave, like you've said, I
Speaker 3: want to leave, And there's things you know, when it's
Speaker 3: good is good. It is very tricky territory. Like that
Speaker 3: is tricky because we start to hold on to the
Speaker 3: things that are good to negate the things that are bad.
Speaker 3: But it shouldn't be a battle of like, well, it's
Speaker 3: okay that he did that because then he brought me flowers.
Speaker 3: It's okay that he did that because then he made
Speaker 3: me feel really good. Like we get ourselves into that
Speaker 3: position where we start to make excuses things. Yeah, it
Speaker 3: does become our normal, and it is your normal. It
Speaker 3: is all that you know.
Speaker 2: Well, that exact sentence that you wrote, exactly what you said, brute,
Speaker 2: when it's good, it's good, and when it's bad it
Speaker 2: can be bad is indicative of the roller coaster of
Speaker 2: a toxic relationship that to me screams the literal framework
Speaker 2: for how an incredibly toxic relationship works.
Speaker 1: The highs are fucking high.
Speaker 2: The lows are abusively low, and that is my fear
Speaker 2: for this because when you're in the low, you just
Speaker 2: want to get back to the high. And when that's
Speaker 2: all you've known in a relationship, that becomes your blueprint,
Speaker 2: it becomes your normal. And so I understand why it
Speaker 2: is so hard to leave. I understand why it's so
Speaker 2: hard when you find out your partner's cheated on you
Speaker 2: to go. Actually, I'm not going to stand for this anymore.
Speaker 1: And the reason is.
Speaker 2: Because you've stood for so much already, You've already withstood
Speaker 2: so many of the bad bits that this is just
Speaker 2: like another thing that's piled on, and so you just
Speaker 2: continue to stay.
Speaker 3: And I really hope that you're able to get some
Speaker 3: help in this.
Speaker 2: I know we give the advice all the time on
Speaker 2: our actual ask gun cuts go and speak to someone,
Speaker 2: but I think that this an opportunity for you to
Speaker 2: maybe get some help outside of the relationship now that
Speaker 2: you've identified the things that are really problematic about it.
Speaker 4: And also just lastly, I want to tell the person
Speaker 4: who wrote this in that all of us are really
Speaker 4: proud of if you fee like making those first steps.
Speaker 4: It's a really hard thing to do and it's so hard,
Speaker 4: Like both of you said when it's the only thing
Speaker 4: that you know, like you actually you've said at their
Speaker 4: very end here, I still have a long way to go.
Speaker 3: Well done for starting one hundred percent all right, very
Speaker 3: last aftermath. I want to do a nudy swim, but
Speaker 3: my boyfriend's against it. Hear me out. I live in
Speaker 3: Hobart and every year there is a really big nud
Speaker 3: to swim to celebrate the winter solstice. You have to register,
Speaker 3: there's no photography allowed. You all wear robes and swim caps.
Speaker 3: You drop them then running to the water really quickly.
Speaker 3: Of course there's a lot of nudity, that's the whole point,
Speaker 3: but it's absolutely freezing, so it's not like everyone is
Speaker 3: hanging around stark naked looking at each other. I told
Speaker 3: my partner that I want to participate in the swim
Speaker 3: this year, and it did not go down well. He
Speaker 3: believes that it's a perverse event, just four of perverts.
Speaker 3: He doesn't really understand why it has to be nude,
Speaker 3: Like why can't you just go and do a swim
Speaker 3: to celebrate, which I sort of also get, like you
Speaker 3: could just go and do a normal swim. He doesn't
Speaker 3: understand why I would quote put myself in a situation
Speaker 3: with pervs and to parade myself like meet in front
Speaker 3: of lions.
Speaker 1: That was just wow, it's bittraumatic.
Speaker 3: I find this language incredibly shaming. Further's the sexualization of
Speaker 3: female's bodies in a negative way. Am I the asshole
Speaker 3: for going ahead and doing it regardless of his feelings
Speaker 3: and his attitude?
Speaker 2: Okay, we had similar takes on this because I think
Speaker 2: at the end of the day we were like, oh,
Speaker 2: we didn't.
Speaker 1: I thought we were like, you can go and do it.
Speaker 3: No, I basically said, I get it because if you
Speaker 3: were a PERV, that's where you'd go. If you're a PERV,
Speaker 3: you would google nude events and like seems pretty obvious
Speaker 3: that that's where you turn up if you're a permit.
Speaker 2: I don't know if a purv's going to get much
Speaker 2: out of seeing some chicks run into the water, Like
Speaker 2: is that what pervs are?
Speaker 3: After? You know what? We didn't talk about it. I
Speaker 3: think the thing.
Speaker 2: Is is like people who are actually perverted, like, if
Speaker 2: we're going to really go down that track, do we
Speaker 2: have to do just second, don't cancel me. People who
Speaker 2: are actually perverted are not going to sit there and
Speaker 2: watch people who voluntarily are running into the water because
Speaker 2: there's no like, there's no perversion about that.
Speaker 3: Take photos and stuff.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but the perversion comes from doing something that you're
Speaker 2: not supposed to do. It comes from the naughtiness of it.
Speaker 2: It comes from like the illegal part of it.
Speaker 3: Like that, that's not true. I think.
Speaker 2: So someone who just wants to observe some people run
Speaker 2: into the water, that's not a perf like perfs, that's
Speaker 2: fuck you do.
Speaker 3: You know what we completely missed and I only thought
Speaker 3: about now is that how funny it is that they're
Speaker 3: completely naked except for this swim cap. That's funny. That
Speaker 3: is a funny vision.
Speaker 4: That's like when I went to the strippers and they
Speaker 4: were naked except for the kneecaps and the shoes.
Speaker 2: All Right, what was because like Keisha's taken our response
Speaker 2: to this because it was conflicting, and also the response
Speaker 2: that we've received from the person who wrote it in
Speaker 2: says that we gave two different approaches.
Speaker 3: So have a listen to this.
Speaker 2: Nah, you're not a nashole, Like I mean, if you
Speaker 2: want to go for a Newdi swim because you think
Speaker 2: it's liberating, you don't have to ask for your partner's permission.
Speaker 1: You're not doing anything wrong in that case, Like I mean.
Speaker 3: It depends on the circumstance you will have to like deal.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, if you're going for a newdi swim
Speaker 2: with some random Diugia met at a nightclub.
Speaker 3: Bond dibet shouldn't mean at midnight.
Speaker 2: Sure, But if it's like an organized event, there's like
Speaker 2: seventy year old women out there doing it, I don't
Speaker 2: you know. I think he's sexualizing an event that's not
Speaker 2: a sexual event.
Speaker 1: That's like a hymn problem.
Speaker 2: But I also think if you can explain to him
Speaker 2: the reasons why you want to do it, maybe you
Speaker 2: think it's liberating whatever it is, like it's something that
Speaker 2: like puts outside your comfort zone that you.
Speaker 1: Want to be involved in.
Speaker 2: But his version of it, like what he has presumed
Speaker 2: is in his head, seems to be a bit of
Speaker 2: a twisted kind of reality based on what it actually is.
Speaker 3: I yeah, I'm in two minds about it because I
Speaker 3: agree with everything that you just said, Laura, absolutely, But
Speaker 3: I've always said that it is something where you need
Speaker 3: to take partner's feelings into consideration. Now, that doesn't mean
Speaker 3: you have to do what they say. But it means
Speaker 3: you need to have a conversation where you say, hey,
Speaker 3: I totally understand what you're saying, why it makes you uncomfortable,
Speaker 3: but this is why it's important to me, or this
Speaker 3: is why I want to do it, Like I think
Speaker 3: it's the conversation. I do think it's important. Like if
Speaker 3: Ben came to me and said he wanted to go
Speaker 3: and do something nude, I would say, Okay, cool, what
Speaker 3: is it? Why do you want to do it? And
Speaker 3: in all honesty, of course, this isn't a perverted event.
Speaker 3: It's an event that everyone does every year. Having said that,
Speaker 3: if I was a pervert, I would be looking up
Speaker 3: these events and that's where i'd go. If I wanted
Speaker 3: to be a PERV, I would go to a nude event.
Speaker 3: That's what I'd do. So I don't want to say
Speaker 3: there's not going to be a PERV there. Maybe there is,
Speaker 3: like it checks out, but obviously that's not what the
Speaker 3: event is. I don't imagine there's going to be that
Speaker 3: many people lingering around nude having a cup of tea after.
Speaker 3: I think it's going to be so quick you'd barely
Speaker 3: see it. Robes are off, you're freezing, you run into
Speaker 3: the water, you're underwater, you run out, you put your
Speaker 3: robe on. I think, go for it, but you do
Speaker 3: have to take your part inner feelings at least into
Speaker 3: consideration a little bit. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I mean, I question. I think the PERF to normal
Speaker 2: people ratio is going to be pretty slim.
Speaker 3: It is. The ratio is going to be there's more
Speaker 3: pervs just out of the beach anyway. But if you
Speaker 3: PERV laws, you're gonna go to the neud events, right,
Speaker 3: You're gonna look up NEWD events. Everyone in the room
Speaker 3: knows it's true. Everyone in the room does not know
Speaker 3: it's true.
Speaker 2: If you're true, if you're a PERV, you're not just
Speaker 2: You're not going to a Noodie run. You're going to
Speaker 2: somewhere that's way more perve. If you're a PERF, stop
Speaker 2: being a PERV.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Actually that's the message in here. Yeah, don't listen
Speaker 3: to this podcast. All right, Well look this was the reply.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for answering my question. You are
Speaker 3: so welcome. It made me laugh hearing the girls.
Speaker 2: I completely agree with everything Laura said, Yet Britt has
Speaker 2: given me more empathy to understand his thinking.
Speaker 1: Loved both of your responses. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3: We don't actually know if she did it. I don't
Speaker 3: think the swim's happened.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the swim hasn't happened. She hasn't done it. I
Speaker 2: still think you should go and do it. It's fine,
Speaker 2: just go.
Speaker 3: I enjoy it. I think she is going to do it,
Speaker 3: and she just is gonna have empathy in chat to
Speaker 3: the partner. I think this is the best possible outcome.
Speaker 2: I completely completely agree. And you know what, On that note,
Speaker 2: that is all the aftermaths we have for you.
Speaker 3: You're about to say.
Speaker 2: On that note, swim, I told you if you're watching
Speaker 2: this on YouTube, Brits naked, because this is going on
Speaker 2: our only fans.
Speaker 3: This is how we start kick starting the channel. Is
Speaker 3: the only way we can get people to watch the YouTube.
Speaker 3: I say Britney's naked.
Speaker 5: That would violate community standards.
Speaker 3: Just no, we do have some more aftermaths too. We're
Speaker 3: going to do another one shortly, so keep them coming in.
Speaker 2: When we say shortly, we don't mean in two and
Speaker 2: a half years, which is what happened to the last one.
Speaker 2: We said we'll start doing them more regularly and then
Speaker 2: it's been a long time.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but as you said at the start, takes two
Speaker 3: to ten go. We do have Sherry on the case.
Speaker 3: She is getting the aftermaths, but we have a few
Speaker 3: more that we will add. We need a few more
Speaker 3: to come in, but there We're going to try to
Speaker 3: do them more frequently as opposed to once every two years.
Speaker 2: And also, I know I said at the start, but
Speaker 2: I really want to reiterate it because it is like
Speaker 2: it is genuinely the biggest privilege. We have done this
Speaker 2: since day Dot Askuna Cut has always been such a
Speaker 2: core of what life on Cut stands for and what
Speaker 2: it is that we get to create. And we are
Speaker 2: so grateful for everyone who writes in their questions, who
Speaker 2: shares with us and insight into the hardships that they're
Speaker 2: going through. Thank you for listening to advice, thank you
Speaker 2: for telling us when you don't agree with it.
Speaker 1: Thank you for being a part.
Speaker 2: Of this, because this is as much as it's a
Speaker 2: two way street to get the aftermaths, it's a two
Speaker 2: way street being brought in on these conversations in your life.
Speaker 2: And yeah, it's an incredible privilege.
Speaker 1: So thank you.
Speaker 2: But for anybody who has a question, that you want
Speaker 2: to slide into the DMS at Life on Cut Podcasts
Speaker 2: if you want to do it anonymously, join Life on
Speaker 2: Cut discussion group as well. Yeah, we are so so
Speaker 2: lucky to have this and.
Speaker 3: We love Lie.
Speaker 4: I was just going to say also if you haven't aftermath,
Speaker 4: but maybe you haven't wanted to write it in because
Speaker 4: maybe you thought it wasn't a good follow up.
Speaker 5: You know, like, we still want to hear.
Speaker 3: That as well.
Speaker 5: We want to hear how you're going. And I genuinely care.
Speaker 3: And again off the.
Speaker 4: Back of what you said Lea about it being a
Speaker 4: real privilege being a part of you know, this podcast
Speaker 4: for the past For me four and a half years
Speaker 4: or something like that, it has made me such a
Speaker 4: more understanding. I feel like I'm a genuinely a more
Speaker 4: empathetic and more well rounded person by hearing about your experiences.
Speaker 3: I'm so grateful for it.
Speaker 2: Can I say I desperate Desperate will send you a
Speaker 2: message with send you a little cheeky DN for the
Speaker 2: aftermath of the woman who found her father in law
Speaker 2: sniffing her dildo. I'm sorry, but I must know. I
Speaker 2: don't sleep at night. I need to know what happened.
Speaker 2: Do you have Christmas together? Do you sit around the
Speaker 2: dinner table and pretend like it didn't happen anyway, Guys,
Speaker 2: that's it from us.
Speaker 3: Hey, don't forget tomorrow. Tune in. Oh my God, ready
Speaker 3: got mad. Brittany myself got married. We're gonna talk all
Speaker 3: about it. It is very exciting. I imagine it is.
Speaker 3: I imagine it's very exciting. I am so thrilled for
Speaker 3: your future wedding.
Speaker 1: I cannot wait.
Speaker 3: I am so excited. But yeah, if you maybe, if
Speaker 3: you have specific questions, you can send them in. But
Speaker 3: I'm sure we're going to cover it all. I don't
Speaker 3: know what's going to go down, but I'm sure there's
Speaker 3: going to be lots of amazing things to talk about.
Speaker 3: We're going to see you tomorrow morning. Bright Nelly, come missus.
Speaker 3: Secrets and you know the dress, Say munty Dad tea,
Speaker 3: Doug tea, friends and share the law because we're love.
Speaker 3: Rapababa kababa