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Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get

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Speaker 1: real parenting solutions every single day. Here are some stats

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Speaker 1: that highlight a problem that most parents, especially parents of

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Speaker 1: young girls, worry about. If your daughter is between the

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Speaker 1: age of five and twelve, forty to sixty percent of

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Speaker 1: girls her age worry about their weight. By the age

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Speaker 1: of nine, more than fifty percent of girls express concerns

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Speaker 1: about their body shape. Children as young as five start

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Speaker 1: expressing concerns about their weight or shape, invariably girls, and

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Speaker 1: more than fifty percent of girls age six to eight

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Speaker 1: report being unhappy with their body weight. Today, it's a

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Speaker 1: tricky question that we're answering from one of our listeners

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Speaker 1: about body image and helping girls to feel good about

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Speaker 1: their bodies. Stay with us. Hello and welcome to the

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Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast, where you get parenting solutions every single day.

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Speaker 1: This is Australia's most downloaded parenty podcast. We are Justin

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Speaker 1: and Clyde Colson and every Tuesday on the Happy Families Pod,

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Speaker 1: we answer your tricky questions. It doesn't matter what it's about,

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Speaker 1: well pretty much answer any question and if it's a

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Speaker 1: really short one, we'll do two or even three. Family relationships, wellbeing,

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Speaker 1: screens discipline. Today, we've got a tricky question about kids

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Speaker 1: and body image. If you would like to submit your

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Speaker 1: question so that we can answer them next time, We've

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Speaker 1: got a really super simple system at happy families dot

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Speaker 1: com dot You just scroll out to podcasts, click the

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Speaker 1: record button and start talking. Alternatively, you can send us

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Speaker 1: a voice note to podcasts at happy families dot com

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Speaker 1: dot au. Today, an anonymous listener asks this question.

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Speaker 2: Hi, doctor Justin and Kylie, I need some help. My Nellie,

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Speaker 2: nine year old daughter has started to repeatedly come home

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Speaker 2: and complain about certain parts of her body and say

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Speaker 2: negative thoughts about her body, questioning is she pretty enough,

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Speaker 2: skinny enough, etc. And it's very concerning to me. We

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Speaker 2: have done everything we could since she was little to

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Speaker 2: ensure that she felt confident and positive about her body,

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Speaker 2: valuing what her body does rather than what it looks like.

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Speaker 2: Although we are in this position now and I am

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Speaker 2: looking for some advice on how to best navigate these

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Speaker 2: insecurities and questions and hopefully avoid it becoming a bigger

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Speaker 2: issue as she gets older and into her teen years.

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Speaker 3: Being a mother of six girls, this is something that

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Speaker 3: we have experienced with all of our girls in different ways. Yep.

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Speaker 3: And it's so tricky. But what we've experienced as we've

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Speaker 3: gone through our family is that it's happening younger and younger.

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Speaker 1: I would agree with that when I wrote Misconnection, while

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Speaker 1: your teenage daughter hates to expect, the world needs to

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Speaker 1: talk Misconnection, which is available online. The chapter that I

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Speaker 1: was most happy with, the chapter where I felt I

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Speaker 1: did the best job, was the chapter in response to

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Speaker 1: this kind of a question, how do we help our

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Speaker 1: daughters with the way that they feel about themselves? You know,

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Speaker 1: girls above the fiftieth percentile for weight report the greatest

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Speaker 1: body dissatisfaction seventy one percent seventy one. Nearly three quarters

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Speaker 1: of girls who are normal weight report being dissatisfied with

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Speaker 1: their appearance, and the overwhelming majority of girls at every

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Speaker 1: age will tell you I want this to change. And

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Speaker 1: I hate to say this, but grade nine, sorry not

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Speaker 1: grade nine. Age nine is right in the middle of

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Speaker 1: this critical window where this stuff really starts to boom.

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Speaker 1: Like I said in the intro, from the age of five,

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Speaker 1: the data shows that girls are aware of how they

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Speaker 1: look and as starting to talk about wanting to change things.

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Speaker 3: It's curious to me that we're even really surprised by

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Speaker 3: that data, considering that everywhere they look, any magazine, any.

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Speaker 1: Billboard, TV shows, any social media, on their parents' phones.

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Speaker 3: Or literally they've got the personification of the perfect body

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Speaker 3: in front of them every day.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. So one of the things that I wrote about

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Speaker 1: in my book, and I really think it's worthy of

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Speaker 1: emphasis right now, is everywhere you go. And there are

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Speaker 1: certainly a lot of experts who will argue this, and

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Speaker 1: there's some Datata supporter as well, so I recognize what

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Speaker 1: I'm going to say is provocative. Everywhere you go, people say,

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Speaker 1: teach your kids media literacy. Teach them that it's not real.

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Speaker 1: Teach them that there's lighting, and there's hair and there's makeup.

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Speaker 1: And I mean, I just think about all the TV

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Speaker 1: appearances that I've done, and I'll walk in ten minutes

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Speaker 1: before my TV appearance, They'll they'll look at me and

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Speaker 1: maybe pop something on my face. But other than that,

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Speaker 1: I'm in and out right. And the women who are

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Speaker 1: on the TV, even if it's only for a five

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Speaker 1: minute segment, will sometimes spend as much as two hours

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Speaker 1: in the chair getting their hair and makeup done. And

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Speaker 1: so the idea is talk about photoshop and teach kids

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Speaker 1: to be media literate and that will help. And my

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Speaker 1: pushback against that is, no matter how much you say,

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Speaker 1: here's what they're doing, the kids can understand that logically,

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Speaker 1: but it doesn't stop the emotional and cognitive desire to

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Speaker 1: one day look like that. It doesn't stop the aspiration medialy.

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Speaker 3: Matter how many times you know tell them that sugar

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Speaker 3: is bad for you. Right, you look at it every day? Right,

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Speaker 3: It's desirable?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, so we want it in your life. The

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Speaker 1: aspiration is there. I don't think teaching media literacy is

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Speaker 1: the most effective thing. Should it be in the talkit? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Probably the evidence suggests so. But let's crack on with

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Speaker 1: a bunch of other solutions.

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Speaker 3: I think the first one. I love this one just

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Speaker 3: it's so powerful if we can kind of curb our

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Speaker 3: natural reaction to kind of get a little bit frustrated.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, this is more of a do not rather than

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Speaker 1: a do Because what you want to say to your daughter,

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Speaker 1: what do you mean?

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Speaker 3: I can't believe you'd say that about yourself. Gorgeous, It's

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Speaker 3: so beautiful. Look at how skinny you are.

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Speaker 1: You're never going to be this skinny again for the

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Speaker 1: rest of your life.

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Speaker 3: Just appreciate it. You'll never have again. All those things,

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Speaker 3: but the idea that we would get curious when our

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Speaker 3: kids come to us with their challenges, with their challenging thinking,

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Speaker 3: instead of getting furious.

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Speaker 1: So, as a parent who writes books about this, I

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Speaker 1: struggle so much to do this because I know so

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Speaker 1: much about it and I just want to jump in

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Speaker 1: and give my kids all the solutions. So let me

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Speaker 1: be really, really, really clear about this. If your daughter

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Speaker 1: comes home or you signed for that matter, but we

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Speaker 1: are talking specifically to this, this person has the question

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Speaker 1: if your daughter comes home and says, am I pretty enough?

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Speaker 1: Am I skinny enough? Don't rush in with reassurance because

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Speaker 1: the most effective response as a first response is going

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Speaker 1: to be curiosity.

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Speaker 3: But those are all labels as well, right, But everybody's

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Speaker 3: perception is different to what is beautiful? What is skinny?

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Speaker 3: What is that? What is big?

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Speaker 1: Like the there is a better response. I just think

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Speaker 1: if our kids were to say it, I would hope

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Speaker 1: that I would step in and say, that's really interesting

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Speaker 1: that you've said that, or that's a really interesting question

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Speaker 1: you've asked me. Where did that come from? What made

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Speaker 1: you think about that today? Why is that on your

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Speaker 1: mind at the moment? And then listen, don't fix, don't reassure,

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Speaker 1: not yet anyway, just gathered the information, who was talking

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Speaker 1: about it? What did you notice that made you wonder?

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Speaker 1: Oh you saw that? Like slightly different topic. But one

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Speaker 1: of our daughters said something extremely provocative not too long ago,

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Speaker 1: and I just wanted to say, what are you talking?

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Speaker 1: I really wanted to blow up because it was not okay,

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Speaker 1: And instead I was like, where did you? Where'd you

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Speaker 1: come up with that idea? And she said, I walked

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Speaker 1: past a sign when we were walking through town and

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Speaker 1: it was one of those adult shops and it set

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Speaker 1: it on there and I was like, ah, now we've

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Speaker 1: got to have a real conversation. But by getting curious,

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Speaker 1: not furious, by not rushing to reassure, by saying, oh,

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Speaker 1: had that made up, judging.

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Speaker 3: This situation, thinking you've got all the details exactly.

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Speaker 1: Body image concerns at age nine are going to be

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Speaker 1: socially driven, whether it's something from a peer, whether it's

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Speaker 1: comparison in a peer group, whether it's the media planning

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Speaker 1: a seed and you need another source before you can

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Speaker 1: address it. And then then you validate, Oh it sounds

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Speaker 1: like this person, or it sounds like what you saw

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Speaker 1: made you feel like your body wasn't good enough. That

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Speaker 1: must have felt really crummy. That must felt horrible. I'm

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Speaker 1: so glad you told me. So you're not saying that

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Speaker 1: they're right or wrong. You're saying, oh, here's what it

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Speaker 1: sounds like. Oh that's what it made you feel. Oh

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Speaker 1: that's horrible. I'm so glad you told me that. One statement.

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Speaker 1: It just normalizes everything and makes your child go, oh,

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Speaker 1: so everything's okay. And then the last thing to do

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Speaker 1: is to reframe by saying this, here's what I know.

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Speaker 1: Your body, your body, your body is doing an incredible job.

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Speaker 1: Let's you run, unless you dance, unless you swim, unless

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Speaker 1: you play. The people who matter most don't care about

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Speaker 1: pretty or skinny. They care about kind and funny and

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Speaker 1: brave and smart, and you are all of those things.

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Speaker 3: I remember reading somewhere once that are the people's opinions

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Speaker 3: and none of our business.

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Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, your opinion of me is none

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Speaker 1: of my businesses.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but the really big kick for me was the

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Speaker 3: acknowledgment these people that are saying these bad things about

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Speaker 3: me or mocking me or you know, kind of giving

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Speaker 3: me a hard time? Are they the people that I

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Speaker 3: would go to for advice?

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Speaker 1: I love this.

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Speaker 3: If I was struggling, are they the people that I'd go?

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Speaker 1: And the answer is invariably no, No.

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Speaker 3: So why is it that if they're not somebody I

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Speaker 3: would go to when I needed help, why is it

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Speaker 3: that they get so much weight in how I feel

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Speaker 3: about myself?

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Speaker 1: Pardon the pun, It just yeah, brilliant.

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Speaker 3: It's really powerful if we can help our kids to

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Speaker 3: understand that.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so get curious, not furious, and then have that

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Speaker 1: conversation with them after the break. The two other big

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Speaker 1: ideas that will help as you try to move the

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Speaker 1: needle on body image issues. Stay with us. We're back.

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast, answering the question about what

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Speaker 1: to do when your nine year old shows up saying

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Speaker 1: I'm fat, not skinny, I'm not pretty and has body

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Speaker 1: image concerns.

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Speaker 3: I love that our listener has acknowledged this is something

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Speaker 3: that she clearly is really doing well. The idea that

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Speaker 3: we would build body functionality awareness for our children, that

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Speaker 3: we would you point out all of the amazing things

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Speaker 3: their body allows them to do. Is such an important

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Speaker 3: part of this process.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, wrote that in my book just what can your

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Speaker 1: Body do? Rather than what does your body look like?

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Speaker 1: Matt is so much more. Research is pretty clear on this.

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Speaker 1: Girls with what you would call body appreciation, they have

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Speaker 1: better mental health, they engage in less dieting and other

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Speaker 1: destructive habits. They're less likely to use substances as they

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Speaker 1: get older. Across the board, When we can just appreciate

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Speaker 1: what our body can do, it feels better. Life feels better.

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Speaker 3: This feels to me like the power of gratitude. Right

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Speaker 3: when I tap into what I'm grateful for, I hold

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Speaker 3: it a little bit closer.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So, and if I have gratitude for the amazing gift

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Speaker 3: my physical body is and all the things that allows

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Speaker 3: me to do, then I'm going to take care of it.

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Speaker 1: So our eleven centy twelve year old daughter might say,

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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that my arms and shoulders helped me

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Speaker 1: to paddle out in the waves, and that my legs

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Speaker 1: let me stand up on a surfboard.

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Speaker 3: Or that I can hug you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, that's I mean. I'm thinking surfing is awesome,

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Speaker 1: but as simple.

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Speaker 3: As that, when I feel alone, when I feel disconnected.

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Speaker 3: The gift of a hug is so powerful.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because what this does is shifts the focus from appearance,

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Speaker 1: the external externality is the judgment based stuff to function. Right,

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Speaker 1: So it's internal and it's gratitude based. And the data, again,

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Speaker 1: like I said, it's clear it reduces body dissatisfaction, specifically

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Speaker 1: in children aged eight to twelve. So trying to move

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Speaker 1: away from looking at how the body appears and instead

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Speaker 1: talking about how it works is just such a big win.

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Speaker 3: And our last solution model it by not talking about.

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Speaker 1: It, right. Yeah, this is the hardest one, and it's

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Speaker 1: also backed by the strongest research. Here's what daughters absorbed

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Speaker 1: from mother's I'm so sorry to put this on mums, but.

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Speaker 3: Well, you know what, you're their role model.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Dads can say hurtful things and daughters will absorb that.

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Speaker 1: And there's data that shows that if your child between

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Speaker 1: nine and twelve is hearing those hurtful things, they're far

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Speaker 1: more likely to have body image issues and eating challenges

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Speaker 1: in their teens like sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.

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Speaker 3: But as a daughter, they're watching the way you treat

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Speaker 3: your own body exactly, so you're modeling exactly how they

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Speaker 3: will in turn respond.

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Speaker 1: There was an experimental study that found that when mothers

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Speaker 1: made negative comments about their own weight and shape and

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Speaker 1: diet in front of their eight to twelve year old daughters,

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Speaker 1: daughter's body esteem and eating attitudes immediately declined. Boom Daughters

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Speaker 1: and mothers who diet or engage in negative self talk

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Speaker 1: are more likely to develop poor body image and disordered eating,

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Speaker 1: and mother's comments about their own bodies predict their daughter's

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Speaker 1: body related comments. That's what the research points to.

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Speaker 3: So I remember when I was younger, I had this

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Speaker 3: beautiful body that I never appreated right, and I loved

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Speaker 3: junk food and I would eat it till the cows

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Speaker 3: come home. And my mom would constantly say to me,

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Speaker 3: You'll be sorry you ate that one day you'll have

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Speaker 3: a bum like me. And as I have grown and

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Speaker 3: gotten older, I have looked in the mirror and seen

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Speaker 3: the bum of my mum and been sad. And it's

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Speaker 3: only been a reframe for me where I have stepped

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Speaker 3: into that gratitude and the acknowledgment that this body has

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Speaker 3: created six other human beings, and it has morphed in

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Speaker 3: so many different ways, but it has allowed me to

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Speaker 3: live a beautiful, full life, and I want to continue

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Speaker 3: living that beautiful, full life. And if that's what I want,

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Speaker 3: then I need to treat it with care.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I just love the way he said that. The

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Speaker 1: research pretty much says that even well meaning mums who

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Speaker 1: think that they're hiding bodied dissatisfaction, they're still going to

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Speaker 1: transmit it through subtle behaviors like a void certain clothes,

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Speaker 1: or declining to be in photos or comparing themselves to others.

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Speaker 1: Kids pick up on everything. So I think the most

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Speaker 1: powerful intervention that you can offer is modeling a neutral

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Speaker 1: at minimum, but ideally a positive relationship to your body,

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Speaker 1: like you've just described. It's just so important. I remember

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Speaker 1: the conversation that we had with the kids one time

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Speaker 1: where I don't know the exact context, but there was

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Speaker 1: a discussion about your body, and maybe it was you

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Speaker 1: that made a negative comment, maybe it was one of

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Speaker 1: the kids, and I just said, I didn't marry mum

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Speaker 1: because she looked a certain way. I didn't marry mum

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Speaker 1: for her body.

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Speaker 3: A married Oh, let's be real, smoking hotback.

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Speaker 1: Man, I married you for you, And just because your

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Speaker 1: body changes doesn't mean that my feelings for you change.

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Speaker 1: Kids need to hear that they need to understand that

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Speaker 1: that's the way it works. I mean, there's so much

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Speaker 1: more we could talk about. This could turn into a

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Speaker 1: seventeen hour podcast. We need to wrap it up.

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Speaker 3: You know. I of that your daughter has come to

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Speaker 3: you and that she's sharing the feelings that she's having

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Speaker 3: and the experience you're having, Like, what a gift.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, she trusts you.

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Speaker 3: What a gift?

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Speaker 1: Doors open? And the other thing that I got from

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Speaker 1: that voice note was our listener is already doing the

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Speaker 1: right thing by taking it seriously, keeping the conversation going,

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Speaker 1: and the things that we've talked about today are going

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Speaker 1: to be some really powerful protective factors against body dissatisfaction.

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Speaker 1: It's almost inevitable, by the way, Like it's pretty much

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Speaker 1: inevitable if you're female, and even more and more boys

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Speaker 1: are struggling with this. But these conversations are the things

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Speaker 1: that can turn it around and make it less damaging,

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Speaker 1: make it less impactful. Thank you so much for listening.

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Speaker 1: If you've got a question for us, and you'd like

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Speaker 1: to hit us up with one of those tricky ones,

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Speaker 1: let us know via Happy Families dot com dot you,

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Speaker 1: where our super simple system requires you to simply press

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Speaker 1: the button and start talking, or send us a voice

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Speaker 1: note to podcasts at happy families dot com dot a you.

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Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is duced by Justin Ruland from

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Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides research, admin and a whole lot

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Speaker 1: of other support. If you'd like additional information and resources,

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Speaker 1: specifically about what we've talked about today, check out the website.

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Speaker 1: We're going to make it a website blog because we

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Speaker 1: think that the information is too important for you to

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Speaker 1: not have access to in the written form. Have you

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Speaker 1: families dot com dot au