1
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:07,800
Speaker 1: In two thousand and two, I said goodbye to my

2
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:10,920
Speaker 1: radio career. Usually when I tell this story, I describe

3
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,239
Speaker 1: how I wanted to be a better parent and had

4
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:16,520
Speaker 1: decided to go back to school to study psychology. But

5
00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:18,640
Speaker 1: there is a little more to the story and it

6
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:23,680
Speaker 1: involved another at the time major Brisbane celebrity. All that

7
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,360
Speaker 1: more in today's episode of the Happy Families podcast Real

8
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:30,520
Speaker 1: Parenting Solutions Every Day. This is Australia's most don't not

9
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:33,680
Speaker 1: a parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Couson. Did

10
00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,240
Speaker 1: you like my teas? Kylie, are you intrigued?

11
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,920
Speaker 2: I feel like you're about to share some dirt.

12
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,880
Speaker 1: No, no, nothing like that. However, back in, I should

13
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,440
Speaker 1: just mention the content that I'm about to share may

14
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,280
Speaker 1: not be suitable for young years, so just be mindful

15
00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:51,559
Speaker 1: for the next minute or so. Juicy story, good story,

16
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,320
Speaker 1: but not necessarily for the little kids. They might have

17
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,560
Speaker 1: some questions for you. So let's go back two thousand

18
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,280
Speaker 1: and two. I'm working as a radio on houser at

19
00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:01,920
Speaker 1: b on I five, Brisbanes B one and my job

20
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:05,400
Speaker 1: included some Saturday work. Every Saturday I showed up on

21
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,800
Speaker 1: the radio and did our usual just did a shift

22
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:13,039
Speaker 1: on air. I was asked one weekend to talk about

23
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:17,000
Speaker 1: our breakfast co host Penny Cooper and talk about where

24
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,679
Speaker 1: she was quote unquote having sex in the city. The

25
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,120
Speaker 1: reason for that was because the Sex in the City

26
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:26,560
Speaker 1: movie was premiering in Sydney and if people could work

27
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:30,360
Speaker 1: out from the clues that we were dropping whereabouts Penny was. Now,

28
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,040
Speaker 1: please bear in mind, she was neither anywhere at all.

29
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,760
Speaker 1: It was all pre recorded. It was just theater of

30
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,640
Speaker 1: the mind. And number two, she certainly wasn't being engaged

31
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,400
Speaker 1: in any intimate relations at the time. But the whole

32
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,240
Speaker 1: idea was workout where Penny Cooper is having sex in

33
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:45,679
Speaker 1: the city, and you could win flights for you and

34
00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:47,880
Speaker 1: your best friend to go down to Sydney, attend the

35
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,040
Speaker 1: premiere and meet the stars of the movie. I can't

36
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,680
Speaker 1: remember who was coming out. It was like Sarah, Jessica

37
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:55,600
Speaker 1: Parker or someone and that was the prize, right And

38
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,400
Speaker 1: I went to management and I just said, I'm not

39
00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,320
Speaker 1: comfortable being on the radio on a Saturday morning while

40
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,400
Speaker 1: mums are taking their kids to netball and dads are

41
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:07,120
Speaker 1: taking their kids to hockey or soccer and talking about this.

42
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:10,440
Speaker 1: I just don't think it's age appropriate content, and they

43
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:14,680
Speaker 1: basically told me too bad, so sad. So as a

44
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,120
Speaker 1: result of that, I ended up essentially no longer employed

45
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:20,160
Speaker 1: at Big one I five, I left the Osterio network,

46
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,440
Speaker 1: We went to court, went mediation, all sorts of challenges.

47
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,600
Speaker 1: It was a pretty miserable experience all the way around,

48
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:29,360
Speaker 1: and it affected us for many, many years because of

49
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,560
Speaker 1: that decision. I was already struggling with radio anyway, but

50
00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:34,600
Speaker 1: that was the thing that sort of pushed me out

51
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,079
Speaker 1: the door. And that's when I decided that I was

52
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:37,680
Speaker 1: going to do the whole parenting thing, go back to

53
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,000
Speaker 1: UNI study. I was struggling as a parent. I've made

54
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,720
Speaker 1: a lot of mistakes. You had told me that I

55
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,200
Speaker 1: needed to improve, and it all kind of happened at

56
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:47,440
Speaker 1: the same time. But I got an email the other

57
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:51,079
Speaker 1: day from that same Penny Cooper, and in that email,

58
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:54,080
Speaker 1: she told me that she has left radio and she

59
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,160
Speaker 1: now works in a completely different industry, doing a completely

60
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,320
Speaker 1: different thing. She's also married, so she now has a

61
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:03,160
Speaker 1: different surname. And she emailed me just to say that

62
00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,359
Speaker 1: she wanted to say thanks for standing up for her

63
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,600
Speaker 1: back in the B and I. Five days she commented

64
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,280
Speaker 1: that she knew that was challenging, but I stood up

65
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,960
Speaker 1: for my principles. And then she also mentioned that they

66
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,920
Speaker 1: were kind of horrible people and that I didn't deserve

67
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,400
Speaker 1: the treatment that I got there, but that none of

68
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:21,320
Speaker 1: us did. And then she told me that her life

69
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,200
Speaker 1: is really good. But the reason I'm sharing it is

70
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:26,120
Speaker 1: is this. I was just standing up for my principles,

71
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,919
Speaker 1: and because I was young. I think she's been very

72
00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:31,880
Speaker 1: generous in her email, do you know what I mean?

73
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:36,480
Speaker 1: Like I had never really thought of her perspective. I

74
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:40,120
Speaker 1: was selfishly thinking about myself and about my values. But

75
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,560
Speaker 1: do you think about it, Why was it not that

76
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,080
Speaker 1: Jamie Dunn was having sex in the city, or the

77
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,760
Speaker 1: in Skippon was having sex in the city. Why was

78
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:51,280
Speaker 1: it Penny Cooper. It's just this ongoing sexualization of women,

79
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:56,160
Speaker 1: always making them out to be the ones. I just

80
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:57,960
Speaker 1: wish that I'd been a much better advocate for her.

81
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,360
Speaker 1: I was way too young, I was way out of depth,

82
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,360
Speaker 1: and I was definitely way too self focused. I don't

83
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,840
Speaker 1: think I deserve the credit that she's given me, But

84
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,400
Speaker 1: it was just a really delightful message to receive, and

85
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,600
Speaker 1: I wanted to share that because when you take us

86
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,960
Speaker 1: down on principle, When you take us down on principle,

87
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:18,039
Speaker 1: when you know what you value, it's not just a

88
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:25,120
Speaker 1: selfish thing. It really has effects that that ripple out significantly.

89
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,599
Speaker 2: Thinking back to that experience, it was one of the

90
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:32,159
Speaker 2: most challenging experiences that we'd had in our marriage to date,

91
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,040
Speaker 2: but I would say across the board in our married

92
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:40,320
Speaker 2: life it has been one of the most challenging experiences

93
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:43,279
Speaker 2: we've had. But I would also say one of the

94
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:50,480
Speaker 2: most defining moments of our lives as you really recognized

95
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,200
Speaker 2: what was important to you and what you stood for,

96
00:04:54,839 --> 00:04:59,840
Speaker 2: and it didn't turn out well. Moment it didn't turn

97
00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:04,600
Speaker 2: out well. We literally literally turned our lives upside down.

98
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,320
Speaker 1: Twenty three years down the track, we're glad for it,

99
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,160
Speaker 1: but it took a long time. It took more than

100
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,520
Speaker 1: ten or twelve years to get over that.

101
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,680
Speaker 2: It's not even that when I look back, I think

102
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:17,919
Speaker 2: that it was good. It was pivotal in the lives

103
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:21,240
Speaker 2: that we now live. And to receive an email twenty

104
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:28,160
Speaker 2: three years later acknowledging the impact of that one moment

105
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:33,000
Speaker 2: that in the moment turned our lives upside down, actually

106
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:36,919
Speaker 2: had it had a profound impact on someone else were positive.

107
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:43,680
Speaker 2: Just emphasizes the importance and the power of the one.

108
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,800
Speaker 1: Yeah. Let me extend it in a slightly different direction

109
00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:50,719
Speaker 1: as well. We try to protect our kids from anything

110
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:54,280
Speaker 1: that could be too confronting, that anything, anything that could

111
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,480
Speaker 1: upset them. And yet you work out who you are

112
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,719
Speaker 1: when you are confronted. You work out who you are

113
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,200
Speaker 1: when you put into a situation where you have to

114
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,960
Speaker 1: make a moral choice. Who am I? What do I believe?

115
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,320
Speaker 1: What are my values? What is my identity?

116
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,920
Speaker 2: And it's interesting when we look back at that experience,

117
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,440
Speaker 2: we were making moral choices kind of on a weekly

118
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,680
Speaker 2: basis because of the career choice that you've made.

119
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:19,520
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, the media is not exactly the most safe

120
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:20,640
Speaker 1: space morally.

121
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,159
Speaker 2: Yeah. And it was getting more and more tricky the

122
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:27,680
Speaker 2: further up the ladder you went. And while it was challenging,

123
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:31,520
Speaker 2: I think when I think of the experiences we've had,

124
00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:37,440
Speaker 2: it's one of the moments where I'm most proud of

125
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:42,120
Speaker 2: who you are and who you were striving to be

126
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:43,039
Speaker 2: in that moment.

127
00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:45,080
Speaker 1: I wasn't expecting that, but I'll take it. Thanks for

128
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,840
Speaker 1: that anyway. That was just a quick little news bit

129
00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:51,119
Speaker 1: that's taken more than half the podcast, so for older

130
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,800
Speaker 1: better tomorrow for those of you those who are new

131
00:06:54,839 --> 00:06:57,279
Speaker 1: to the pod. Every Friday, we talk about what worked

132
00:06:57,279 --> 00:06:59,840
Speaker 1: and what didn't during the week, and we try to

133
00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:01,440
Speaker 1: get our head around how we can be more intentional

134
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,720
Speaker 1: as parents. After the break, we'll tell you our big

135
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:13,360
Speaker 1: story for the week. Just gone. Okay, Kylie, I'll do

136
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,000
Speaker 1: about it tomorrow. You wanted to share the same thing

137
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:17,720
Speaker 1: that I wanted to share, so I'm just going to

138
00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,960
Speaker 1: outline it and then you can add the color and

139
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,200
Speaker 1: flavor that you think matters. We make a really explicit

140
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,400
Speaker 1: point of trying to teach our children principles and practices

141
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,840
Speaker 1: things that will improve their lives. And over the last

142
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:33,280
Speaker 1: several years, we've tried to on the first Sunday of

143
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:34,840
Speaker 1: every month sit down with the kids and talk to

144
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,680
Speaker 1: them about a tricky topic, talk to them about a

145
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:41,600
Speaker 1: big issue, and we've been reasonably successful with it, although

146
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,280
Speaker 1: we've been a bit hit and miss, and with my traveling,

147
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:45,720
Speaker 1: it just makes it tricky to get it done all

148
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,480
Speaker 1: the time. So here's what we've decided. Instead, we're going

149
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,360
Speaker 1: to do it every week instead of once every four

150
00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:54,840
Speaker 1: or five weeks. We're going to establish the habit. And

151
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,920
Speaker 1: the reason for that is if you want things to change,

152
00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:00,200
Speaker 1: you can't do them inconsistently. You have to do them regularly.

153
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,280
Speaker 1: Is ideal, but obviously we can't do this every day.

154
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,160
Speaker 1: Once a week's fine.

155
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,480
Speaker 2: One hundred percent is easier than ninety nine percent.

156
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:09,000
Speaker 1: That's one of my favorite sayings. I'm so glad to

157
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:12,280
Speaker 1: hear that it's finally getting That's great. All right, So

158
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,440
Speaker 1: here's the conversation that we had with our kids on Sunday.

159
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,600
Speaker 1: I wanted to talk to them about emotions, and so

160
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:21,440
Speaker 1: I began by describing what an emotion is and how

161
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:25,080
Speaker 1: emotions exist on two dimensions. There's the energetic dimension and

162
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,480
Speaker 1: the pleasantness dimension. So you can have high emotional lower emotion,

163
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,440
Speaker 1: and you can have pleasant emotion or unpleasant emotion. And

164
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,240
Speaker 1: then we walked through, so what does it look like?

165
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:37,640
Speaker 1: What is an emotion that is highly pleasant and highly energetic?

166
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,600
Speaker 2: And the kid said, We're gonna have to get a

167
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,640
Speaker 2: new describe next week because i can't even read your writing.

168
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:53,000
Speaker 2: They said things like excited, joyful, passion, happy, hope, exhilaration, inspired, creative.

169
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,160
Speaker 1: We've got the point related. Okay, so this is high

170
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,920
Speaker 1: pleasantness and high energy. And then we went to the

171
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,160
Speaker 1: bottom right hand quad and I said, okay, what is

172
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,920
Speaker 1: still highly pleasant but has low energy? And they said

173
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,119
Speaker 1: they really.

174
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,520
Speaker 2: Struggled with this, the idea that it was a pleasant

175
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:11,040
Speaker 2: emotion but didn't have much energy to it. It took

176
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,840
Speaker 2: them a while, but once they got there they did.

177
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:17,679
Speaker 2: They said things like calm, peace or scentered. That was

178
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:21,840
Speaker 2: really cool word. I love that, Yeah, gratitude, empowered, confident.

179
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,400
Speaker 1: Okay. Then we went to the other side of the

180
00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:29,200
Speaker 1: y axis and I said, what about low energy emotions

181
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:31,559
Speaker 1: that are unpleasant, which.

182
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,040
Speaker 2: Probably shouldn't use white bull markers either, because somebody's rubbed

183
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:39,719
Speaker 2: them out. I think it says weary, yep, sad. Right,

184
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,480
Speaker 2: And there's two others there that I.

185
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,560
Speaker 1: Can't read, okay, but you get the idea. And then,

186
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,600
Speaker 1: of course, you know the one that they didn't have

187
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:49,559
Speaker 1: any trouble with, highly energetic, highly unpleasant. They went crazy with.

188
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:55,160
Speaker 2: Them instantly, anger, anxiety, stress, envy, irritation, jealousy, And so.

189
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,880
Speaker 1: We talked about why they knew those ones best and

190
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,520
Speaker 1: how that felt, and just sort of laid around with

191
00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:03,959
Speaker 1: these ideas, what are our emotions and how do they

192
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:07,600
Speaker 1: move us because the word emotion has the same root

193
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:10,240
Speaker 1: as the word motivation, and both of them are related

194
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:13,120
Speaker 1: to the idea of movement. We talked about how emotions

195
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:16,160
Speaker 1: are something that you're supposed to move through rather than

196
00:10:16,679 --> 00:10:20,240
Speaker 1: park yourself inside of, and the idea that emotions are

197
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,559
Speaker 1: like waves on the beach. They come up and they

198
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:24,240
Speaker 1: go back out.

199
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,880
Speaker 2: I like this idea of recognizing that an emotion is

200
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:32,080
Speaker 2: something that we feel, it's not something that we are. Yeah,

201
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:36,600
Speaker 2: and the distinction between that because so often the words

202
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:39,760
Speaker 2: we use are I am angry, right, and so we

203
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:43,320
Speaker 2: identify as being the emotion, as opposed to acknowledging we're

204
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:47,160
Speaker 2: having an emotion and there's power and recognizing that it

205
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:51,000
Speaker 2: isn't us. It's an emotion that we're experiencing in the moment,

206
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,600
Speaker 2: and outside of a handful of very small, challenging emotions,

207
00:10:56,440 --> 00:11:00,120
Speaker 2: the emotions that we feel we only feel for a

208
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,760
Speaker 2: really brief moment unless we choose to stay in that space.

209
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,760
Speaker 1: So I've learned a little bit of Spanish, and something

210
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,400
Speaker 1: that I learned was that they don't say I'm hungry,

211
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:15,240
Speaker 1: they say I have hunger. Tengo hungry, Okay, So t

212
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,160
Speaker 1: is I have so I have this emotion, but I

213
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,120
Speaker 1: am not this emotion, and I think that's really really important.

214
00:11:22,559 --> 00:11:24,360
Speaker 1: Just incidentally, as a quick aside, the other day, one

215
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,920
Speaker 1: of our children was having an extremely big emotion. She

216
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,920
Speaker 1: was not the emotion, but she certainly was having it.

217
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,640
Speaker 1: And I reminded her of the waves coming in and

218
00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:33,720
Speaker 1: going out, and I said, but sometimes it doesn't feel

219
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:35,320
Speaker 1: like a wave is coming in and out. Sometimes it

220
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,439
Speaker 1: feels like the whole ocean has come in. It feels

221
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,600
Speaker 1: like the tide has come in and it's still coming

222
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,120
Speaker 1: because it's not always just five or ten or fifteen seconds,

223
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:48,640
Speaker 1: it's a whole lot more. So, we talked about emotions

224
00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:50,280
Speaker 1: and how they work, how they come in, how they

225
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,920
Speaker 1: go out, and then essentially we stepped across to this

226
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,280
Speaker 1: idea of emotion regulation. I said, there are three things

227
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,280
Speaker 1: that you need to remember. Number one, emotion regulation is

228
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:03,880
Speaker 1: the ability to turn your emotions up or down. Number two,

229
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,600
Speaker 1: it's got to be appropriate for the context. And number three,

230
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,720
Speaker 1: it's got to be in harmony with your long term goals.

231
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,719
Speaker 1: So long term goals might be having good family relationships,

232
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,040
Speaker 1: or long term goals could be maintaining a good friendship

233
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,960
Speaker 1: or doing well at school or keeping your job or

234
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,240
Speaker 1: whatever it is, depending on the agent of being healthy. Yeah, absolutely,

235
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:25,280
Speaker 1: So Can I turn my emotions down so that I

236
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:28,040
Speaker 1: can maintain good family relationships because I know that having

237
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:31,120
Speaker 1: a happy family matters. Or can I turn my emotions

238
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,000
Speaker 1: up because I'm supposed to go on a run because

239
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,199
Speaker 1: I'm trying to be healthy, but I'm not really feeling

240
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,200
Speaker 1: motivated at Or can I just ramp that up because

241
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:38,880
Speaker 1: of this long term goal that I have it's appropriate

242
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:42,000
Speaker 1: for the context. And the kids really responded well to that,

243
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,960
Speaker 1: and I said, so, what are the adaptive things and

244
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:48,440
Speaker 1: what are the maladaptive things that we do to respond

245
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,200
Speaker 1: to our emotions? And this, to me was the practical part,

246
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,560
Speaker 1: and this was where we really had some big wins.

247
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:58,080
Speaker 1: So simple, so easy. I can't remember what they said now.

248
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:02,840
Speaker 1: Maladaptive they said, it's maladaptive if you're having a big.

249
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:05,640
Speaker 2: Emotion to isolate, say alone.

250
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, to be alone in your room. With what they

251
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,360
Speaker 1: didn't say, and we should have probably put in there

252
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,880
Speaker 1: as well, is it's also maladaptive to throw things, punch balls,

253
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:16,360
Speaker 1: slam doors, yell at your sister, to your parents you

254
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,360
Speaker 1: don't like them, and those kinds of things because they

255
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:22,679
Speaker 1: are maladaptive outcomes to those emotions. But the adaptive ones

256
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:24,720
Speaker 1: hit me with the answers that they gave us.

257
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:29,280
Speaker 2: One of the kids actually said, clean and I get

258
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,360
Speaker 2: picked up because in the early days it's about marriage.

259
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:38,560
Speaker 2: They're clearly not angry enough. In the early days of

260
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,880
Speaker 2: our marriage, if I was cranky, our house would be

261
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,959
Speaker 2: spotless in a couple of hours, like top to bottom,

262
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,920
Speaker 2: because that was when my best cleaning got done. So

263
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,800
Speaker 2: I just thought it was hilarious that they said that.

264
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,640
Speaker 2: They talked about running and moving your body. They talked

265
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:57,160
Speaker 2: about laughing, music, playing games, cold water and how that

266
00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:02,760
Speaker 2: resets us, hugs, physical tarts, playing with the dog, hanging

267
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:06,760
Speaker 2: out with friends, and other good people. Reading with just

268
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,199
Speaker 2: a few of the things that they had on their list.

269
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,040
Speaker 1: So I guess the main reason that I wanted to

270
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,040
Speaker 1: share this well two things. First of all, let's finish

271
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,400
Speaker 1: the conversation about emotions. The summery is this. If you're

272
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,880
Speaker 1: feeling big emotions and they're negative, If they're unpleasant emotions

273
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:23,720
Speaker 1: and highly energetic or even low on energy, the standard response,

274
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,640
Speaker 1: the maladaptive response, is to take that out on other

275
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:28,680
Speaker 1: people or to isolate yourself and be alone and stare

276
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,880
Speaker 1: at a screen. It doesn't work. It actually makes things worse.

277
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,400
Speaker 1: What you need to do is move to action, ideally

278
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,440
Speaker 1: outside and ideally with other people.

279
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,800
Speaker 2: I know it's a little bit stereotypical, but I think

280
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:41,560
Speaker 2: of the average teenage girl. She's just had her heart broken,

281
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:46,000
Speaker 2: and so her natural instinct is to raise into her room,

282
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,680
Speaker 2: slam the door shut, dark room, no lights, and she

283
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:54,960
Speaker 2: listens to every heartbreak song on the radio over and

284
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,560
Speaker 2: over and over again.

285
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:59,280
Speaker 1: Heart reading on the radio. How old are you? That's

286
00:14:59,440 --> 00:14:59,880
Speaker 1: so fun?

287
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,600
Speaker 2: All right, so it sounds better than Spotify.

288
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:11,120
Speaker 1: Okay, So overall, here's the take home message. To help

289
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,840
Speaker 1: our children to do well, we need to teach them,

290
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,240
Speaker 1: and sometimes explicit teaching is necessary. The kids loved it.

291
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,800
Speaker 1: We had a really great conversation. They were engaged, they

292
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,000
Speaker 1: played around with a whole lot of ideas, and.

293
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,800
Speaker 2: As always, there's always one child who just makes the

294
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:28,040
Speaker 2: lesson that much better because they actually prove.

295
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,600
Speaker 1: It, embodied it. Yeah, we embodied on the spot. We

296
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,640
Speaker 1: had one that was just miserable the whole time and

297
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:37,960
Speaker 1: giving Oh my goodness, So there's always one anyway, That's

298
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,600
Speaker 1: how I'll do better tomorrow. Explicit teaching for kids. Just

299
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,080
Speaker 1: pick something that they need to know about, Like, it

300
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,440
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be psychological, it can just be a chat.

301
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,080
Speaker 1: We want to have a twenty minute chat every Sunday.

302
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,520
Speaker 1: We're going to make it part of our routine, part

303
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,480
Speaker 1: of our tradition. Why because we care about you and

304
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,640
Speaker 1: we want you to make good decisions. And over time,

305
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:55,920
Speaker 1: as they get into the habit of it and the

306
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,960
Speaker 1: routine of it with really simple discussions, then you can

307
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,320
Speaker 1: start to move some and move to some bigger and

308
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,520
Speaker 1: more challenging ones like the federal government's Consent Can't Wait

309
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,320
Speaker 1: campaign that I'm an ambassador for. It's worth bringing up

310
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,240
Speaker 1: those kinds of things if the kids are the right age.

311
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,440
Speaker 2: In the early days, when our kids were much younger,

312
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:16,120
Speaker 2: we created some family values and so we actually cycled through.

313
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,320
Speaker 1: Them, Yeah about gratitude every few.

314
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,560
Speaker 2: Weeks, and we just did lessons that were practical and

315
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:26,160
Speaker 2: hands on for the kids to appreciate and understand the

316
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:29,400
Speaker 2: concept of each of these values on a regular basis.

317
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:31,400
Speaker 1: So we hope that there's some ideas that we will

318
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:35,720
Speaker 1: share with you and outline of what we discussed in

319
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,720
Speaker 1: the show notes. In case you want to talk to

320
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,320
Speaker 1: your kids about how they can regulate their emotions better.

321
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,760
Speaker 1: I think it's pretty suitable for most families most of

322
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,520
Speaker 1: the time. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin

323
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,680
Speaker 1: Ruland from Bridge Media. Thanks so much for listening, Hope

324
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,240
Speaker 1: you have a great weekend. Good luck with your family

325
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,520
Speaker 1: time this weekend, and we'll talk to you again on Monday.

326
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,600
Speaker 1: If you like more info and resources to make family

327
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,960
Speaker 1: happy at you find it all happy families dot com,

328
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:04,840
Speaker 1: dot a