WEBVTT - Hugh Van Cuylenburg's three simple tips to building resilience 🧱 0:00:03.040 --> 0:00:06.800 Get everyone feeling a little bit emotional today, and I'm 0:00:07.760 --> 0:00:10.920 sure exactly what to put it down to it. I 0:00:10.920 --> 0:00:13.040 think it's twofold. I think it's one. We've got a 0:00:13.080 --> 0:00:16.520 really exciting guest today who's someone I've always wanted to 0:00:16.560 --> 0:00:20.120 meet in person. I feel stranger connected to them even 0:00:20.120 --> 0:00:22.280 than I've ever met before and can't wait to meet 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:24.079 them in the flesh. And you'll find out who that 0:00:24.239 --> 0:00:27.480 is in just a second. And the second thing is 0:00:28.120 --> 0:00:30.160 I've got my dad staying with me at the moment. 0:00:30.400 --> 0:00:34.920 He has just just traveled all over Australia in his 0:00:35.080 --> 0:00:37.680 land Cruiser, sleeping on the roof under the stars with 0:00:37.760 --> 0:00:41.559 his partner. He's just done a sixty three night journey 0:00:41.680 --> 0:00:45.000 up to Cap York from Hobart, so from almost the 0:00:45.000 --> 0:00:47.480 most southern tip of Australia to the most northern tip 0:00:47.479 --> 0:00:51.360 of Australia, and we bought a little map of Australia 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:55.040 and he's been doing FaceTime with Willow in particular my 0:00:55.080 --> 0:00:57.680 five Gelbert Charlie as well. But Willow has really been 0:00:57.720 --> 0:01:01.160 following his journey closely and putting a little little pins 0:01:01.200 --> 0:01:03.920 on the map as we have these facetimes to sort 0:01:03.920 --> 0:01:06.360 of track where Pop is at, and it's just been 0:01:06.400 --> 0:01:09.319 one of those beautiful sort of ways for them to connect. 0:01:09.400 --> 0:01:13.039 And he arrived back shaggy and long hair and beard 0:01:13.920 --> 0:01:17.600 and lots of red dust Avery's car, and he came 0:01:17.640 --> 0:01:19.240 home and had dinner with us last night. It was 0:01:19.280 --> 0:01:21.080 just beautiful for them to sort of connect and for 0:01:21.160 --> 0:01:23.320 him to spend time with little kids. So I'm sure 0:01:23.720 --> 0:01:26.360 anyone that's a parent out there couldn't agree with me more. 0:01:26.800 --> 0:01:28.520 Let's get on with the show. It's going to be 0:01:28.560 --> 0:01:32.800 an absolute belt. We have the incredible Hugh Van Coleenberg 0:01:33.040 --> 0:01:36.800 from the Resilience Project, from the Imperfect podcast. He is 0:01:36.880 --> 0:01:40.960 an absolute just one of the most beautiful, sensitive, intelligent, 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:45.840 caring good people I think that I've never met, but 0:01:45.959 --> 0:01:48.160 I can't wait to meet. So Hughes coming up next, 0:01:48.200 --> 0:01:49.440 and we've got a question from Julie. 0:01:49.920 --> 0:01:52.920 During winter, I didn't really exercise a whole lot. I 0:01:52.960 --> 0:01:55.760 thought i'd get motivated when the weather got a bit warmer, 0:01:56.520 --> 0:01:59.400 but I'm finding it really hard. How can I shake 0:01:59.640 --> 0:02:00.280 this right? 0:02:01.120 --> 0:02:02.840 We'll get to that a little bit later. I'm sam 0:02:02.840 --> 0:02:04.760 with this is the wood life. Let's get into it. 0:02:25.040 --> 0:02:28.280 I'm not gonna lie, I know I say not every week, 0:02:28.400 --> 0:02:30.400 but a lot of weeks that I'm very excited about 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:35.760 today's guest. But I discovered this incredible, beautiful human being 0:02:35.919 --> 0:02:39.520 through his own podcast, which I'm sure many of you 0:02:39.680 --> 0:02:43.440 have heard, which is The Imperfect. I am thrilled to 0:02:43.440 --> 0:02:46.359 be joined in the Woodline studio today by the founder 0:02:46.440 --> 0:02:49.640 of The Resilience Project, author and co host of The 0:02:49.680 --> 0:02:54.440 Imperfect podcast, former teacher but now educator to tens of 0:02:54.600 --> 0:02:57.960 thousands of people across Austrain across the rest of the world. Here, 0:02:58.040 --> 0:02:59.959 Van Coleenberg, Welcome to the woodlfe. 0:03:00.200 --> 0:03:02.240 As you mentioned our podcast, I remembered a funny thing 0:03:02.280 --> 0:03:04.240 that happened last night. I was had a function and 0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:06.520 a lady came over and she said, I just want 0:03:06.520 --> 0:03:09.240 to let you know I'm such a huge fan Josh. 0:03:09.280 --> 0:03:10.960 I just love yourself as Josh. But it was my 0:03:10.960 --> 0:03:14.040 younger brother on the podcast, I'm not Josh. And then 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:17.720 she went, oh, sorry, Ryan, Sorry. I was like, I 0:03:17.760 --> 0:03:19.840 can't correct her twice, so I just went with Ryan 0:03:19.880 --> 0:03:21.840 and two friends carriage. She goes, this is Ryan. The 0:03:21.840 --> 0:03:23.880 guy was telling her this is Ryan. The I was like, OK, 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:25.799 so I was Ryan for about five minutes. So thank 0:03:25.840 --> 0:03:28.240 you for knowing who I am. That's right, I really 0:03:28.280 --> 0:03:28.919 appreciate that. 0:03:29.120 --> 0:03:31.520 Tell our listeners a little bit about your story first 0:03:31.520 --> 0:03:33.840 of all, and then let's get into the nitty gritty Ravens. 0:03:34.120 --> 0:03:36.840 So, I was seventeen years old. My little sister, Georgie, 0:03:36.880 --> 0:03:39.320 she was fourteen, and Josh and when I was eleven, 0:03:40.160 --> 0:03:42.000 Mum and Dad sat us down and said, your sister's 0:03:42.000 --> 0:03:44.600 got a mental illness. So, as you know, when we 0:03:44.600 --> 0:03:47.160 were seventeen, that was nineteen ninety seven, and we were 0:03:47.160 --> 0:03:49.680 not talking about mental illness. In course it wasn't us. 0:03:49.720 --> 0:03:52.040 I never heard of it, so I just didn't know. 0:03:52.880 --> 0:03:56.040 I had no idea what they're talking about, and I can't. 0:03:56.080 --> 0:03:57.960 I think my memories I could be conflating this in 0:03:57.960 --> 0:03:59.440 my mind, and I feel like I said, have pretended 0:03:59.480 --> 0:04:02.160 I got it, but I just didn't because there's just 0:04:02.200 --> 0:04:04.040 no one has ever talking about it. So I was 0:04:04.120 --> 0:04:06.560 in a condition called anorexia and eating disorder. A lot 0:04:06.600 --> 0:04:10.119 of people struggle with anorexia, males and females, as you'd 0:04:10.120 --> 0:04:14.600 know being a fitness industry. It's brutal and it ravaged 0:04:14.600 --> 0:04:18.800 my sister, well, it ravaged that family. Anyone listening right now, 0:04:18.880 --> 0:04:20.720 who knows someone who loves some of the mental illness. 0:04:20.800 --> 0:04:23.600 They know full well it's not just that person who suffers, 0:04:23.600 --> 0:04:27.040 it's the people of her close to them. So I 0:04:27.040 --> 0:04:29.560 remember thinking, I've been told when she eats food again, 0:04:29.600 --> 0:04:32.120 she'll be better. And I thought, okay, well, that can't 0:04:32.120 --> 0:04:34.760 be that serious. It really can't be that serious. It's 0:04:34.839 --> 0:04:36.800 just and so I just didn't get it. Fast forward 0:04:36.839 --> 0:04:38.840 four years, she's admitted to hospital for the first time 0:04:38.839 --> 0:04:42.800 in her struggle, and so she would have been at eighteen. 0:04:42.839 --> 0:04:45.720 I was about twenty twenty one, and I remember seeing 0:04:45.720 --> 0:04:47.680 in the house hospital there with her and I was 0:04:47.720 --> 0:04:50.919 looking at her, and the doctor explained that I was 0:04:50.920 --> 0:04:52.640 only allowed to be there for two hours every day, 0:04:52.680 --> 0:04:54.320 and he said, because I've told her she puts on 0:04:54.360 --> 0:04:56.960 a certain amount of weight, then you can stay for more. 0:04:57.400 --> 0:04:59.000 He said, you're her incentive. I need you to leave 0:04:59.040 --> 0:05:00.240 so that she wants to get out of He used 0:05:00.240 --> 0:05:02.880 to see her family more, and I remember were saying, well, 0:05:02.920 --> 0:05:04.160 how much weight does she have to put back on? 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:06.520 And he said, well, when she gets now she's I 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:08.560 don't know how tall she's. She's not a short person though, 0:05:08.600 --> 0:05:10.400 and he said, when your sister gets back up to it. 0:05:10.600 --> 0:05:13.200 She gets back up to thirty one kilograms. I can 0:05:13.200 --> 0:05:15.479 still letting you stay for more than two hours. So 0:05:16.360 --> 0:05:19.560 that's the moment. And I remember walking from there's the 0:05:19.560 --> 0:05:21.800 Austin Hospital in Melbourne and there's a bridge that you 0:05:21.839 --> 0:05:23.720 have to walk over to get back to the car 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:26.880 park and it goes over a main road and as 0:05:26.960 --> 0:05:29.880 Mum and Dad, Josh and myself and I remember walking 0:05:29.920 --> 0:05:31.960 ahead of them and I was bawling my eyes out. 0:05:31.960 --> 0:05:33.719 I just didn't want them. I don't know why. I 0:05:33.720 --> 0:05:35.800 think as a back then I didn't want to see 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:38.520 me crying. I just I remember my hands off my 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:40.320 face and I was balling. It was about five minutes 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:42.240 in front of mom and dad and it was we 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:43.760 got in the car and then I couldn't hide anymore, 0:05:43.800 --> 0:05:45.560 and it was I think that's when I first realized, 0:05:45.560 --> 0:05:47.840 first of all how bad it was, but then also 0:05:47.880 --> 0:05:50.080 I realized, I think that I hadn't really given it 0:05:50.120 --> 0:05:52.600 the seriousness that it deserved. I didn't give it the 0:05:52.640 --> 0:05:54.760 attention kind I was kind of a bit annoyed at 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:56.360 my sister at that point. I thought, can you not 0:05:56.400 --> 0:05:58.640 see what you're doing to Mom and Dad? And that 0:05:58.839 --> 0:06:00.479 night I remember was sitting at the didy the table 0:06:01.960 --> 0:06:06.040 and Dad, I reckon, I reckon. I'd seen him cry 0:06:06.080 --> 0:06:08.680 once before that, and it was when our dog died 0:06:08.680 --> 0:06:11.479 when I was about ten, and Dad was doing the 0:06:11.520 --> 0:06:13.080 dishes and I turned around and asked him a question. 0:06:13.200 --> 0:06:15.760 He didn't answer, and so I asked him again and 0:06:16.200 --> 0:06:18.000 I didn't answer. So I turned around and he was 0:06:18.040 --> 0:06:19.880 and he was. I'll never forget the figure of his 0:06:20.920 --> 0:06:22.919 the silhoueut of his body over the kitchen sink. He 0:06:22.960 --> 0:06:25.080 wasn't washing up, his just shoulders dropped and he was 0:06:25.120 --> 0:06:29.080 just bowling his eyes out. And I remember then going, shit, 0:06:29.320 --> 0:06:31.080 we're just not a happy family anymore. Like we had 0:06:31.160 --> 0:06:32.840 such a we were so happy, and then all of 0:06:32.880 --> 0:06:35.040 a sudden, we just weren't. And I had this really 0:06:35.040 --> 0:06:36.560 and this is coming back to your question about where 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:39.600 the resiliance projects started, but I remember I just had 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:43.400 this really strong fascination, the question, what is it that 0:06:43.440 --> 0:06:46.520 makes people happy? I need to know what makes people happy. 0:06:46.600 --> 0:06:48.440 Not for my sister. I knew that was well beyond 0:06:48.440 --> 0:06:50.279 my I knew I couldn't help there, but I did 0:06:50.360 --> 0:06:52.479 want to make Mum and Dad happy again. I miss 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:54.719 seeing them happy. And I wanted Josh he was eleven. 0:06:55.200 --> 0:06:57.800 This is just this is not you know. I was 0:06:57.880 --> 0:07:00.760 side the best time as a primary school kid in 0:07:00.760 --> 0:07:02.200 a high school kid. I didn't want Josh to be 0:07:02.240 --> 0:07:04.359 robbed without either and I just thought, how do I 0:07:04.560 --> 0:07:06.800 make everyone happy? And I had no idea. But that 0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:08.280 was when I was twenty and that's when I first 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:11.200 became fascinated with the question. It influenced me to go 0:07:11.240 --> 0:07:13.720 and do primary school teaching because I thought, well, if 0:07:13.760 --> 0:07:16.560 I'm a primary school teacher, I'll stop kids getting a 0:07:16.560 --> 0:07:19.400 mental illness. I have no idea how, but that's what 0:07:19.440 --> 0:07:21.600 I want to do. And I remember my first day 0:07:21.600 --> 0:07:24.040 as a primary school teacher. I was twenty five years 0:07:24.040 --> 0:07:25.760 old and I was sitting there and I was like, right, 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:29.120 time to stop these kids getting I have no idea how, 0:07:29.560 --> 0:07:32.800 and I didn't know what it's doing. I had no idea. 0:07:33.000 --> 0:07:35.560 Fast forward three years. I was in India and I 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:39.080 lived in a village volunteer teaching. And this is a village. 0:07:39.080 --> 0:07:42.720 You're no running water, no electricity, no beds. Everyone's sleeping 0:07:42.720 --> 0:07:45.080 on the floor. And first day in the school in 0:07:45.080 --> 0:07:47.760 the middle of this desert community, there's no tables and chairs. 0:07:47.760 --> 0:07:49.640 The kids that sit on a dirt floor. There's no 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:52.200 pens or pencils for them. They just sit there and listen. 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:55.480 Half hour into the day, I thought, never in my 0:07:55.760 --> 0:07:59.040 life have I ever seen joy like this before? This 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:01.119 is out of control. How are these kids so happy? 0:08:01.160 --> 0:08:03.440 I don't understand this? And I was meant to be 0:08:03.520 --> 0:08:05.440 there for two weeks. On my last night, I thought, 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:07.120 I can't leave here. Oh you to leave here. I 0:08:07.240 --> 0:08:09.040 want to live here as long as it takes me 0:08:09.080 --> 0:08:10.760 to work out. What are these kids doing every day 0:08:10.760 --> 0:08:13.000 that makes them so happy? Is there anything I could 0:08:13.160 --> 0:08:15.040 learn of them? I can maybe talk to my sister 0:08:15.040 --> 0:08:18.480 about huge granted of the long shop, but we were desperate. 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:21.320 My sister had been sick then for oh it was 0:08:21.320 --> 0:08:25.240 a long time, over ten years, and so I yeah, 0:08:25.240 --> 0:08:28.240 I lived there and I saw them do these These 0:08:28.280 --> 0:08:31.240 people did these three things every single day. They practice gratitude, 0:08:31.240 --> 0:08:33.920 They practice empathy, the practice mindfulness. There's a whole lot 0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:36.319 of other stuff they did, but those three things really 0:08:36.320 --> 0:08:38.000 stood out to me. I don't know why, but they 0:08:38.040 --> 0:08:40.320 just did. And I came back to Melbourne wanted to 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:43.400 tell everyone, went back to UNI to study them because 0:08:43.400 --> 0:08:44.600 I was like, well, I don't want to go to school, 0:08:44.640 --> 0:08:46.480 and so I do this if it's not going to work. 0:08:47.200 --> 0:08:49.360 And there's heaps of evidence and heaps of science to 0:08:49.400 --> 0:08:53.199 say these things will improve your mental health, they'll make 0:08:53.240 --> 0:08:57.080 you more resilient, and so I thought, yeah, I'm going 0:08:57.160 --> 0:08:59.840 to start doing this and I want to be about 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:02.280 only twelve years ago, I went to my first schools 0:09:02.280 --> 0:09:05.400 at a presentation and I went well, and I thought, 0:09:05.400 --> 0:09:07.599 this is my business, and I quit teaching. And I 0:09:07.640 --> 0:09:09.480 didn't even know I was starting a business. I didn't someone. 0:09:09.640 --> 0:09:11.320 I remember someone saying, oh, wow, are you're starting a 0:09:11.320 --> 0:09:13.199 business and I said, oh, no, no, I'm not doing that. 0:09:13.240 --> 0:09:14.920 I'm just going to schools to do talks. I didn't 0:09:14.960 --> 0:09:18.560 even know it was that at the time, and no 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:21.800 one was interested. Like the school I went to and yeah, 0:09:21.800 --> 0:09:23.280 I love to have it in the school I taught out, 0:09:23.280 --> 0:09:24.559 I said love to and I was like, I'm on fire. 0:09:24.640 --> 0:09:26.599 Two from two. This is going to be on me 0:09:26.679 --> 0:09:28.160 doing like three schools a day for the rest of 0:09:28.160 --> 0:09:30.920 my life. And then I reckon, I got yess to. 0:09:31.960 --> 0:09:34.240 I only did five or six schools in the first year, 0:09:35.080 --> 0:09:38.680 and like had no money, and my housemates let me 0:09:38.720 --> 0:09:40.559 took out my bond at one point so I could 0:09:40.720 --> 0:09:42.559 and they put chipped in so I could get something there. 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:44.680 Then they paid my rent at a certain point because 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:47.880 I was really struggling like I hadn't and I kept 0:09:47.880 --> 0:09:50.400 getting enough worked, and I was doing emergency teaching as well, 0:09:50.440 --> 0:09:53.679 two days a week to just try and get yeah way, 0:09:53.679 --> 0:09:57.040 which is anyone who's been emergency teacher, although it is brutal. 0:09:57.559 --> 0:09:59.640 And what were you charging your school to going ah 0:10:00.040 --> 0:10:01.160 her mummy housing, Yeah, it was. 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:04.400 At first I was saying, I'll go and speak to 0:10:04.440 --> 0:10:06.440 every level in your school, and so it was like 0:10:06.600 --> 0:10:09.400 five one hour sessions i'd do. I remember, I remember 0:10:09.440 --> 0:10:10.679 one school. I said how much is it? And I 0:10:10.679 --> 0:10:14.000 didn't know yet, you know, for five sessions it would 0:10:14.000 --> 0:10:16.199 be because as a maniacy teacher, I was charging you 0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:18.280 woud get two hundred and sixty five dollars before tacks 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:20.319 a day emergeny teaching, and I went, I was like, 0:10:20.360 --> 0:10:22.240 it's a whole day, okay, So I said, I thought, 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:23.520 I'll make it sound like a bargain. So I said, 0:10:23.520 --> 0:10:25.880 it's two hundred and twenty nine dollars and she has 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:28.960 half for one session, and I went, no, the whole 0:10:29.000 --> 0:10:30.520 day and she went, okay, done, I book you went, 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:33.120 and then so I'm charging John trn Dollson to do 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:35.720 this like forteen bucks first session. 0:10:35.880 --> 0:10:37.160 Yeah, yeah, ridiculous. 0:10:37.400 --> 0:10:40.280 It was just a dollar a student, no fifty cents 0:10:40.280 --> 0:10:41.719 a student for some of the schools I was going. 0:10:41.800 --> 0:10:43.200 It was just like but I didn't know. I had 0:10:43.240 --> 0:10:44.080 no idea what I was doing. 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:46.520 The thing was you cared about the message? Yeah, yeah, 0:10:46.640 --> 0:10:50.160 we weren't a business guy who recognized an opportunity. He 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:52.640 cared about the message. She going back to those three 0:10:52.720 --> 0:10:55.440 pillars that you discovered in India. Yeah, that are now 0:10:55.679 --> 0:11:01.160 still to this day for three core pillars. Yeah, this behemoth, 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:04.320 incredible thing that you you know, you should. I know 0:11:04.400 --> 0:11:08.000 you're a very very humble person, but what you've achieved 0:11:08.040 --> 0:11:11.160 is nothing should have incredible. Thank you and you're doing 0:11:11.240 --> 0:11:17.480 so so much good. This is your accurate acronym gratitude, empathy, 0:11:18.160 --> 0:11:20.199 mindfulness jem. Yeah. 0:11:20.640 --> 0:11:22.439 So there was some really beautiful research downe In two 0:11:22.480 --> 0:11:25.600 thousand and one. Lady called Barbara Frodickson over in New 0:11:25.720 --> 0:11:29.120 York and she wanted to know what is the most 0:11:29.120 --> 0:11:33.040 common characteristic amongst resilient people, the people who cope well 0:11:33.040 --> 0:11:36.240 and bounce back, what do they have in common? And 0:11:36.280 --> 0:11:38.600 she had thousands of people. She had she did personality 0:11:38.640 --> 0:11:40.760 profiles on them and she had it already go so 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:43.560 she had all their personalities mapped out. And then she 0:11:43.640 --> 0:11:45.400 was sinking, right, how do I test these people? Like, well, 0:11:45.400 --> 0:11:47.720 what can I do to them? Which is to like? 0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:49.680 And what can I get past ethics as well, because 0:11:49.679 --> 0:11:52.080 you can't just do something awful to people to just 0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:54.000 for the sake of research and to And she couldn't 0:11:54.000 --> 0:11:56.880 get she couldn't work out what it was. And then 0:11:56.960 --> 0:11:58.960 nine to eleven happened and she went, oh, now this 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:00.800 is completely stuff. Now I can't do this. This is 0:12:00.840 --> 0:12:03.320 a terrible time to test people. This is just an 0:12:03.360 --> 0:12:05.080 awful thing that's happened. And she was on the train, 0:12:05.600 --> 0:12:06.760 I think she was on the train and she saw 0:12:06.840 --> 0:12:10.400 a couple the day after crying, like hugging and crying, 0:12:11.320 --> 0:12:13.880 and she was again thinking, this is just I can't 0:12:13.960 --> 0:12:18.320 this throws everything completely. The people that my subjects are 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:20.920 completely in a weird headspace, say, And as she turned 0:12:20.920 --> 0:12:23.040 around and she saw them laughing five minutes later, still 0:12:23.040 --> 0:12:25.559 in tears but laughing, and she thought, actually, this is 0:12:25.600 --> 0:12:28.400 the perfect time, this is the thing I've been waiting for. 0:12:28.760 --> 0:12:30.480 So she went back to the data, and over the 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:33.160 next five years, what she established was the most common 0:12:33.240 --> 0:12:37.000 characteristic amongst people who bounce back well from challenging times 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:39.480 and not only bounce back, but bounce forward become stronger 0:12:40.280 --> 0:12:44.480 is positivity and positive emotion. Not to say those people 0:12:44.480 --> 0:12:46.000 bury their head in the sands and go it's not happening, 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:48.560 it's not happening. They're fully engaged in what's going on, 0:12:48.559 --> 0:12:51.320 but they still find reasons to smile, they still find 0:12:51.320 --> 0:12:55.079 excuses to experience joy, and they still find reasons to laugh. 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:57.920 And the story she tells in her research is that 0:12:58.160 --> 0:13:00.360 there was a couple she was interviewing who'd lost one 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:02.600 and four days later someone emailed them and said, oh, 0:13:02.600 --> 0:13:04.840 we won't do a book club this week, obviously, and 0:13:04.880 --> 0:13:06.240 they said, now we've got to do it. 0:13:06.480 --> 0:13:07.080 We have to do it. 0:13:07.080 --> 0:13:09.000 We don't feel like we got to do this. So 0:13:09.080 --> 0:13:11.200 these are the people who still seek out positive emotion. 0:13:11.640 --> 0:13:14.360 And I'll tell you that story now, because that's what gratitude, empathy, 0:13:14.400 --> 0:13:17.920 and mindfulness do. There are ways of cultivating positive emotion. 0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:20.960 So gratitude the ability to pay attention to what you've 0:13:20.960 --> 0:13:23.560 got not worry about what you don't have. And most 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:26.760 people in Australia, the vast majority, myself included, are so 0:13:26.800 --> 0:13:29.720 guilty of If I get that car, then I feel happy. 0:13:29.920 --> 0:13:31.800 If I buy that house and I feel happy. If 0:13:31.840 --> 0:13:34.000 I get this promotion, ENO feel happy. If I can 0:13:34.080 --> 0:13:36.280 run this time in my race, then I feel happy. 0:13:37.280 --> 0:13:41.240 I look at that person, absolutely gosh, if I had that, 0:13:41.240 --> 0:13:42.800 then I'd feel happy, and then we're. 0:13:43.120 --> 0:13:43.600 To get it. 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:48.200 Yep, I'm not any happier. Nothing's changed. I'm just now 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:49.960 I'm looking for something else I don't have in order 0:13:50.360 --> 0:13:51.040 to feel happy. 0:13:51.679 --> 0:13:55.120 So kids change that for me was I was a shocker, real, 0:13:55.200 --> 0:13:59.480 I don't know. You must have the house, must have 0:13:59.520 --> 0:14:02.320 the car, must at whatever, And I just chased it 0:14:02.360 --> 0:14:07.240 and chased it and chased it. And I was chasing 0:14:07.280 --> 0:14:11.200 it because so much was missing, like I didn't have 0:14:11.240 --> 0:14:14.480 the relationship, I didn't have the kids. So that just 0:14:15.480 --> 0:14:19.560 I just told myself this lie that almost like I 0:14:19.560 --> 0:14:22.040 don't have that stuff because I've been so laser focused 0:14:22.080 --> 0:14:23.840 on work or whatever it was. And when I get 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:25.840 all this stuff, the rest will sort of fall into place, 0:14:25.920 --> 0:14:27.560 or the happiness will be there, or the boy it 0:14:27.560 --> 0:14:31.040 will be filled or whatever it was, and it just wasn't. 0:14:31.520 --> 0:14:33.880 It's a beautiful example you share. Then there's nothing wrong 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:35.360 with wanting all those things. 0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:35.640 I think. 0:14:35.680 --> 0:14:38.120 It's like they're healthy things to aspire towards, I think. 0:14:38.160 --> 0:14:40.560 And it's obviously served you really well. You know you're 0:14:40.560 --> 0:14:44.080 doing so well, but we just can't attuch happiness to them. 0:14:44.560 --> 0:14:50.520 With this positivity. How much of that have you learned 0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:55.840 through all the work you've done, is born versus learned? Yeah? 0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:58.400 Well, the beautiful thing about gratitude, for example, all the 0:14:58.440 --> 0:15:00.280 things we can talk about you can practice them. So 0:15:00.320 --> 0:15:02.240 the way we started practice gratitude. There are many ways, 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:04.840 in really beautiful ways, to write someone a letter months 0:15:04.840 --> 0:15:06.640 a month to let them know why you're so grateful 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:09.400 for them. And the research or the science says that 0:15:09.680 --> 0:15:12.520 things like increased optimism for a month over a life 0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:16.000 satisfaction will go up, symptoms of depression, anxiety can go down, 0:15:16.320 --> 0:15:17.920 and that lasts a month. Or if you want to 0:15:17.920 --> 0:15:20.400 practice daily, you could write down, what are three things 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:23.440 that went well for me today, not three unbelievable things, 0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:25.360 and also not three things you're grateful for, because that 0:15:25.400 --> 0:15:27.720 won't last long. What went well today I had a 0:15:27.800 --> 0:15:31.480 nice coffee, went for a nice run. I enjoyed the 0:15:31.520 --> 0:15:32.920 run in my face today when I was running. Didn't 0:15:32.920 --> 0:15:34.600 think I was going to but it's quite nice. 0:15:34.720 --> 0:15:36.200 Just little things. It went well, that's it. 0:15:36.680 --> 0:15:38.440 And if you do that every single day, the research 0:15:38.440 --> 0:15:40.720 says what happens is you actually start to rewire your 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:43.680 brain to start scanning the world for the positives. And 0:15:43.760 --> 0:15:45.520 so that's how it can work. 0:15:45.760 --> 0:15:47.880 And so when you say we can practice it, which 0:15:47.920 --> 0:15:51.320 is the good news, and you're saying from a gratitude 0:15:51.360 --> 0:15:53.000 perspective daily. 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:54.640 We've been saying daily for a long time. I met 0:15:54.640 --> 0:15:58.800 a psychologist literally two weeks ago who said it can 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:04.200 be more effective to it once a week because a 0:16:04.240 --> 0:16:06.040 lot of people will do it, try and do it dali, 0:16:06.080 --> 0:16:09.280 and then they find themselves finding it hard to find stuff. 0:16:09.320 --> 0:16:10.680 So they get a bit pissed off about it and think, 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:12.680 maybe I'm not that a grateful person. Maybe I'm actually 0:16:12.720 --> 0:16:15.960 not that grateful. Maybe there's not that much good to find. Yeah, 0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:17.840 but if you do it once awake, maybe some days 0:16:17.920 --> 0:16:20.800 for fifteen minutes four bed, you journal out and you go, 0:16:21.120 --> 0:16:22.320 what went well for me this week? 0:16:23.000 --> 0:16:24.840 So gratitude, What about empathy? 0:16:24.840 --> 0:16:27.240 Empathy is quite simply when you feel, when you can 0:16:27.280 --> 0:16:30.600 feel what someone else feels, when you put yourself in 0:16:30.640 --> 0:16:32.440 someone else's shoes. And the reason this is important is 0:16:32.480 --> 0:16:34.360 the more empathetic you are, the more likely you are 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:35.640 to act in a kind way. 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:38.560 And are there tips or tricks to get better at that, 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:40.920 because I feel like that's something that some people naturally 0:16:40.920 --> 0:16:42.560 do and other people struggle with. 0:16:42.760 --> 0:16:45.480 Some people message me and say I don't think being 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:47.560 too empathetic is a good thing, And I understand what 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:50.840 they're saying because my wife Penny is so, so so empathetic, 0:16:50.920 --> 0:16:53.240 and I see moments where. 0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:54.880 Asin she carries other people's weight. 0:16:55.600 --> 0:16:58.920 Yeah, what you mean, she's watching news and yeah, it's 0:16:58.920 --> 0:17:00.520 going to take a couple of hours to cover from it. 0:17:00.520 --> 0:17:02.760 We had a magpie baby magpie fall out of a 0:17:02.760 --> 0:17:04.960 tree the other day and to have a backyard, and 0:17:05.040 --> 0:17:06.680 we didn't thing we could to keep it away from 0:17:06.680 --> 0:17:09.760 the pool, and we're so worried about it, and we're 0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:12.520 literally sapping away from the pool NonStop, and then when 0:17:12.520 --> 0:17:14.720 out for breakfast, came back and there's a baby magpie 0:17:14.720 --> 0:17:16.800 floating in our pool and there's parents. Sorry, there's a 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:19.879 bit triggering for some people, and there's magpie parents just 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:22.280 sit on the fence just looking at it, and it 0:17:22.600 --> 0:17:24.840 was awful. And we're got a five on or two 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:28.080 older trying to explain it to Penny, still having a 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:32.760 couple of ye She's still shuttered, shuttered, So I'm not 0:17:32.800 --> 0:17:35.720 saying that's a bad thing. She still shouted, but her 0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:38.760 mood was so affected by that. But I do get 0:17:38.800 --> 0:17:40.359 a lot of people saying, but too much empathy is 0:17:40.359 --> 0:17:42.679 not a good thing. I don't know. It's not my 0:17:42.760 --> 0:17:46.639 own expertise. I know that Brene Brown would say empathy 0:17:46.720 --> 0:17:49.120 is so important because when you're empathetic, you're more likely 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:52.200 to be kind. And the neuroscience behind kindness, as you 0:17:52.240 --> 0:17:54.160 would know, like when you do something nice to someone else, 0:17:54.200 --> 0:17:57.200 your brain releases oxytocin, one of the four feel good hormones. 0:17:58.080 --> 0:18:00.000 And I'm not talking about out rageous acts of kindness, 0:18:00.160 --> 0:18:03.359