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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

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Speaker 2: once answers Now.

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Speaker 1: Kylie, we received an email from Danny who is having

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Speaker 1: a hard time with the child who's having big emotions

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Speaker 1: emotional regulation stuff. She said, I'd love to hear a

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Speaker 1: podcast topic on dealing with kids with big emotions, emotion

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Speaker 1: regulation challenges that lead to them hitting themselves in the head,

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Speaker 1: and moments of emotional overload and what can parents do

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Speaker 1: in the moment, because sometimes meltdowns seem to happen out

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Speaker 1: of nowhere, so the best prevention strategies often don't work.

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Speaker 2: So the thing that stands out to me the most

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Speaker 2: with this question is the reality that often there is

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Speaker 2: actually very little we can do in the moment. We

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Speaker 2: talk about high emotions and low intelligence and this idea

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Speaker 2: when we're emotionally flooded, our thinking part of our brain

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Speaker 2: doesn't work.

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Speaker 1: It just switches off.

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Speaker 2: And a really, really clear case in point was when

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Speaker 2: I taught our eldest daughter to drive. First day, she

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Speaker 2: was driving straight for a brick wall and I could not,

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Speaker 2: for the life of me think of what needed to

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Speaker 2: happen in order to stop that.

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Speaker 1: Oh, you needed to say stop. I did.

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Speaker 2: I was screaming stop. But at no point did my

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Speaker 2: thinking brain go pull the handbrake.

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Speaker 1: Up right, I didn't. I couldn't.

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Speaker 2: And it wasn't until after that and everything blew up

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Speaker 2: in smoke that it was like, why didn't I pull

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Speaker 2: the handbrake? But I couldn't think of that in that

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Speaker 2: moment because I was so emotionally flooded with the fear

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Speaker 2: of the fact that we were about to eat a

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Speaker 2: brick wall.

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Speaker 1: I can't remember the name of the podcast listener. I

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Speaker 1: think her name was Jess. I sent us an email

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Speaker 1: one time and said, you know that high emotions low

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Speaker 1: intelligence thing. I don't like it because you're still intelligent.

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Speaker 1: It's just that you're not accessing it. And I think

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Speaker 1: that that was I mean, it's a new moonic, right,

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Speaker 1: But you can't think straight in the high emotion state,

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Speaker 1: is what she said. Let's get people understanding that when

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Speaker 1: you're on the brink, you need to stop and think.

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Speaker 1: But what Danny's saying in her email is when you're

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Speaker 1: over the brink, it's too late to stop and think,

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Speaker 1: which is what happened with you. When our daughter wrote

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Speaker 1: the car off on her very first driving lesson ever,

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Speaker 1: airbags everywhere. I mean, it was just it was a disaster.

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Speaker 1: So how do we help Danny with this? If you

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Speaker 1: had asked me this question a little while ago, maybe

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Speaker 1: a year or two ago, I would have said, once

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Speaker 1: the kids are in that high emotion state where they're

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Speaker 1: blowing up, where the meltdown is just going absolutely bonkers.

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Speaker 1: At that point, you can't do anything. You just have

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Speaker 1: to wait. And I still think that in many cases

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Speaker 1: that may be the case because as parents, we've got

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Speaker 1: to have the skill set to respond to that. So

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Speaker 1: sometimes my answer is still going to be you can't

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Speaker 1: do anything. But over time I've become increasingly convinced that

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Speaker 1: there are things that you can do, and that's what

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Speaker 1: I think we should talk about in today's podcast episode.

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Speaker 2: Being at a household of girls, there are huge emotions

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Speaker 2: on a regular basis.

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Speaker 1: So much emotion, so much emotion.

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Speaker 2: And as I've been learning more about how to deal

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Speaker 2: with my own emotions, which has been so powerful for

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Speaker 2: me then being able to help our children. One of

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Speaker 2: the things that I found really eye opening is I

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Speaker 2: just have a sheet with all of the different emoji

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Speaker 2: emotions on it, and the other day our thirteen year

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Speaker 2: old was displaying some huge emotions, but when I tried

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Speaker 2: to talk to her about it, she completely shut down.

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Speaker 2: And as our kids get older, we often find that

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Speaker 2: instead of their emotions getting bigger, they actually hold them in.

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Speaker 1: It's probably worth highlighting and interrupting, just briefly in their story.

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Speaker 1: Emotion regulation is not just the ability to hold your

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Speaker 1: emotions in. It's the ability to express or suppress appropriately.

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Speaker 1: And when children are emotionally disregulated, like our thirteen year

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Speaker 1: old was here, she's suppressing that emotion, but she's not

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Speaker 1: doing it in a healthy way. It's in a dysregulated way.

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Speaker 1: But she's holding it in because she doesn't want to

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Speaker 1: be explosive. And she also knows that, like a wave

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Speaker 1: on the shore, that emotion is coming in and eventually

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Speaker 1: it is going to go back out and she'll be

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Speaker 1: able to process it and deal with it appropriately. But

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Speaker 1: right here, right now, she's blowing up, and rather than

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Speaker 1: blowing up and making it worse, she's now suppressing it.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes healthy, sometimes not. Just wanted to jump in with that, and.

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Speaker 2: So I pulled out the emotions chart and I just

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Speaker 2: said to her, I said, I feel like there's a

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Speaker 2: whole heap of emotion you're feeling at the moment, I said,

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Speaker 2: do you actually know what you're feeling? And she looked

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Speaker 2: at me and she said, ah. I said, maybe we

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Speaker 2: can use the chart, and one by one she handpicked

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Speaker 2: about eight different emotions like that is a lot of

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Speaker 2: emotion for anyone to be going through, but especially as

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Speaker 2: a young teenager who's trying.

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Speaker 1: To work life out. And it's even harder when you've

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Speaker 1: got a five or a six year old, or a

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Speaker 1: or a three year old who's experiencing all of those

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Speaker 1: emotions and it doesn't know I mean, it doesn't even

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Speaker 1: have the words, doesn't have them labels, the names. There's

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Speaker 1: so much happening inside them, and they just think there's

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Speaker 1: something wrong with them.

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Speaker 2: And that's how our daughter was feeling specifically this day.

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Speaker 2: So when I realized how many emotions we were dealing with,

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Speaker 2: I said, if you had to hand pick maybe the

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Speaker 2: top two that are taking up the most emotion in

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Speaker 2: your body, what would they be? And she pointed to

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Speaker 2: two and I went great, Now I actually, as a

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Speaker 2: parent have something to work with, because until that point

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Speaker 2: I had no idea really what was going on. But

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Speaker 2: now she's given me a really beautiful, vivid picture of

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Speaker 2: this is what I'm feeling now.

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Speaker 1: I want to break this down for Danny and everyone

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Speaker 1: else who's saying, how am I supposed to do this?

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Speaker 1: Number One, we've got a child who we're stepping in

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Speaker 1: with a tool. In fact, I think I'm going to

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Speaker 1: get the Happy Family's team to develop a tool and

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Speaker 1: we'll make it available in the shop. I think that

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Speaker 1: we just need to help people with this. You put

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Speaker 1: the tool in front of your child and say, can

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Speaker 1: you just point to these emotions because no matter how

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Speaker 1: angry they are, gentle distraction that's emotion focused and problem

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Speaker 1: solving focused. It will bring them back to the here

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Speaker 1: and now, and it gets their logical brain working again.

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Speaker 1: It gets them out of that emotional brain into their

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Speaker 1: logical brain. It's kind of like when you say, can

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Speaker 1: you draw your emotions for me? You can do this

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Speaker 1: with little kids, right and they pull out the black

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Speaker 1: texture and scribble all over the page and you say, wow,

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Speaker 1: that is a lot of.

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Speaker 2: Until they take that tool to school and they draw

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Speaker 2: all over the carpet the.

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Speaker 1: Text and you get a focal from the teacher. But

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Speaker 1: the important part about your story, Kylie, is the way

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Speaker 1: that you've stepped in with compassion and gentleness and a

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Speaker 1: tool so that a child can identify an emotional state.

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Speaker 2: I'm forty plus years old, and for so long I

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Speaker 2: just thought there was angry, mad.

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Speaker 1: Yes, that angry. It's that angry, scared, stress, and happy.

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Speaker 2: I really struggle to recognize that I could feel a

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Speaker 2: whole heap more, and so for our kids it's the same.

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Speaker 2: They just think they're angry. That's why we have these

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Speaker 2: big emotions. They think they're angry, but helping them to

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Speaker 2: recognize that actually, no, underneath that anger, there is On

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Speaker 2: this particular day, it was shame, it was embarrassment, it

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Speaker 2: was feeling alone, it was feeling isolated. There were so

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Speaker 2: many emotions that weren't actually angry at all, but anger

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Speaker 2: is how we express them.

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Speaker 1: So in the moment, that's your big idea. Let's sit

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Speaker 1: down with the tool and let's talk through the tool,

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Speaker 1: because that's going to build the emotional awareness and the

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Speaker 1: emotional regulation in the child. I want to share, I

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Speaker 1: guess and more advanced, not not that that's not advanced.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe, no, no, no, no, Honestly I said that

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Speaker 1: I was wrong. What I'm trying to say, is I

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Speaker 1: want to share? So, I mean, you've you've got great

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Speaker 1: parenting happening here, but I want to share the kind

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Speaker 1: of parenting for the parent who really wants to take

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Speaker 1: on a really big challenge in dealing with really really

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Speaker 1: mega emotions. In some other ways that could also work.

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Speaker 1: But what you said was really great, and I think

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Speaker 1: that it should be encouraged to stop talking. I'm just

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Speaker 1: going to stop talking. Should I just share my story?

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Speaker 2: She's okay.

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Speaker 1: I did actually share this on the podcast a little

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Speaker 1: while ago. I said that all wrong. I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 1: So I shared this a while ago. We had one

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Speaker 1: of our adolescent daughters lose the plot recently. It was

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Speaker 1: several months ago now, absolutely going off, really really psyching

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Speaker 1: at her sister. And when I walked into the room

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Speaker 1: and asked her if she could please step out, she

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Speaker 1: defied me, said she wasn't going anywhere. I mean she

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Speaker 1: was just her eyes were on fire. So after two

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Speaker 1: or three more requests and me standing my ground and

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Speaker 1: staying very soft, very gentle, but also being very clear

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Speaker 1: that there was a boundary that had been crossed and

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Speaker 1: she needed to step out.

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Speaker 2: So before you go on, that's actually such a key point.

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Speaker 2: If we're not taking care of ourselves emotionally and making

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Speaker 2: sure that we're on point, when our kids are losing

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Speaker 2: their plot, more times than not, we lose the plant

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Speaker 2: them in the cave. We actually create more chaos. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: So key to this story working out was that you

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Speaker 2: were in a good space and could hold your ground

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Speaker 2: in being really scented emotionally.

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Speaker 1: Probably want to highlight just on this though, and this

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Speaker 1: is so important for Danny's question if we're going to

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Speaker 1: step in and help our children regulate that whole idea

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Speaker 1: of regulation, being able to express or suppress appropriately. I

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Speaker 1: was furious with this daughter the way she had treated

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Speaker 1: her sister. I was furious, So I had to regulate

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Speaker 1: my emotion. I had to suppress that, keep it together

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Speaker 1: and politely, compassionately and gently see that she was going

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Speaker 1: through a struggle.

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Speaker 2: This is and that's a tool in in and of itself, right,

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Speaker 2: recognizing that when our children are showing big emotions, it's

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Speaker 2: actually getting to a place where we can have compassion

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Speaker 2: for what they are experiencing in that moment.

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Speaker 1: So I held my ground because she was very, very

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Speaker 1: defined and explained a couple of times she just needed

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Speaker 1: to leave the room and I would be with her

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Speaker 1: soon and we'd work this out. And it was very

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Speaker 1: much oriented towards I'm here to help you. I'm just

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Speaker 1: going to look after your little sister first. Anyway, she

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Speaker 1: stepped onto our little tidal decking area next to the

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Speaker 1: car port and waited for me. When I stepped outside,

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Speaker 1: having checked that her sister was okay, I expressed to

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Speaker 1: her that perhaps perhaps we could go for a walk

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Speaker 1: to the front gates to get some fresh air. Now

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Speaker 1: front gates only about eight meters from the front door,

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Speaker 1: but she agreed to do it, and so we walked there,

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Speaker 1: and it wasn't nearly far enough. She was still hostile

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Speaker 1: and fuming, and so I convinced her to walk to

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Speaker 1: the corner with me. There's something about nature, There's something

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Speaker 1: about being outside when your children are having a meltdown.

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Speaker 1: We always try and deal with it in the living room,

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Speaker 1: and I just I really recommend getting outside. The kids

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Speaker 1: don't respond the same way outside as they do in

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Speaker 1: the four walls the home.

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Speaker 2: We talked about this in our Witching Hour episode last week.

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Speaker 2: This acknowledgment that our baby calmed as soon as she

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Speaker 2: was outside. We learned this lesson very early on, and

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Speaker 2: it has paid endeavored ends every time we've used it

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Speaker 2: with our children.

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Speaker 1: So when we got to the corner, I put my

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Speaker 1: arms out to her and said, can I hug you?

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Speaker 1: And she said no because she hated me right then,

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Speaker 1: and she was really really angry. And I just said

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Speaker 1: to her, very very gently and quietly, I I just

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Speaker 1: want to share one thing with you, just one and

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Speaker 1: once I've shared that with you, I won't talk again.

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Speaker 1: And the one thing that I shared with her was

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Speaker 1: that no matter how many doors she slammed, no matter

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Speaker 1: how many insults she shared with her sister, no matter

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Speaker 1: how many challenging moments like this we went through, that

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Speaker 1: I loved her no matter what. Those three key words

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Speaker 1: not I love you, but no matter what. And when

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Speaker 1: I shared that with her, all of the big emotions

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Speaker 1: she'd been feeling dissolved, and a new big emotion came

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Speaker 1: over her instead, and she burst into tears and me

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Speaker 1: for a few minutes down on the corner before we

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Speaker 1: walked home and we resolved things. The reason that I'm

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Speaker 1: sharing that as an advanced parenting strategy, Kylie, the reason

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Speaker 1: that I said what I said before is because our

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Speaker 1: capacity to hold our emotions in check, to have and

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Speaker 1: hold compassion for children who are being horrible, and then

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Speaker 1: to express unconditional regard and love for them at the

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Speaker 1: right time, in the right place, in a way that

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Speaker 1: makes them receptive to it and brings them back to

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Speaker 1: a place where they can then move forward with finding solutions.

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Speaker 1: It's a really hard thing to do. But when we

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Speaker 1: get our heart right towards our child, when our heart

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Speaker 1: is full of compassion and gentleness, I think that's really

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Speaker 1: the key when our kids are having the meltdown, Danny.

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Speaker 1: It's really about the state of our heart, and if

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Speaker 1: we're oriented towards compassion and helping, then we get better outcomes.

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Speaker 1: They do stop hitting themselves in the head. They do

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Speaker 1: stop beating up their siblings. They do stop saying I

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Speaker 1: hate you or I hate this world and I want

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Speaker 1: to die. They stop saying those things, and they respond

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Speaker 1: to our unconditional love.

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Speaker 2: Will Just for the record, I didn't really like our

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Speaker 2: thirteen year old that day either.

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Speaker 1: You regulated very well I did. We really hope that

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Speaker 1: this has been useful, Danny. Thanks so much for the email.

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Speaker 1: You can email your questions podcasts at Happy Families dot

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Speaker 1: com dot au. That's podcasts with an s at happy

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Speaker 1: families dot com dot au. Thank you so much for

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Speaker 1: listening to the Happy Families podcasts. We hope that it

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Speaker 1: makes your family happier. The Happy Families podcast is produced

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Speaker 1: by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. For more information about

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Speaker 1: making your family happier, please visit us at happyfamilies dot

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Speaker 1: com dot au