1 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:06,960 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,280 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now. 3 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:12,119 Speaker 2: Later today, I'm going to pull the kids out of 4 00:00:12,119 --> 00:00:14,160 Speaker 2: school lunch time. We're going to go camping and it's 5 00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:16,280 Speaker 2: going to be me and a couple of the kids 6 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:19,240 Speaker 2: in a tent. We're probably going to get rained on, 7 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,320 Speaker 2: and I'm okay with that. The kids are only going 8 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:24,040 Speaker 2: to do better tomorrow if I do better tomorrow. 9 00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:27,280 Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum 10 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:27,800 Speaker 1: and dad. 11 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,479 Speaker 2: Hello. This is doctor Justin Coilson. I'm the author of 12 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,120 Speaker 2: six books about raising happy families and the founder of 13 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:37,080 Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com. Dot You here with Kylie Hoi. Kylie, Hey, 14 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,520 Speaker 2: my wife mum to our six kids. He always looks 15 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,400 Speaker 2: at me funny when I say hello, because we've been 16 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,519 Speaker 2: talking to each other for hours and now suddenly we're 17 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:46,240 Speaker 2: here recording a podcast. Hey, just before we talk about 18 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,000 Speaker 2: I'll do better tomorrow today, can I just make a 19 00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:52,879 Speaker 2: really big announcement. Today's Black Friday. Black Friday is the 20 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,680 Speaker 2: day where the biggest sales in the world happen, and 21 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,800 Speaker 2: Happy Families we're doing the same thing. If there's been 22 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:00,720 Speaker 2: anything that you've been thinking about getting your hands on. 23 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,560 Speaker 2: Today's the day. Go to Happy Families dot com dot you. 24 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,480 Speaker 2: Twenty five percent off all of our books. That doesn't 25 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,600 Speaker 2: include the bundles because we already discount them at twenty 26 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:12,559 Speaker 2: five percent off all books. We never discount our books 27 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 2: that much. This is a big deal. Our summits. We've 28 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:19,280 Speaker 2: done two summits, Little People, Big Feelings and Misconnection. Thirty 29 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 2: percent off those summit recordings. Incredible prices, fifty percent off 30 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:29,479 Speaker 2: all other digital products, and the big one, our Happy 31 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,720 Speaker 2: Families Membership because a happy family doesn't just happen. Our 32 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:35,560 Speaker 2: Happy Families Memberships the only time of the year that 33 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,200 Speaker 2: we ever discount them, and the biggest discount we'll ever 34 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,560 Speaker 2: give on it. Thirty percent off the premium Happy Families 35 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:45,559 Speaker 2: Membership Black Friday sales. Like I said, Happy Families dot 36 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:49,600 Speaker 2: com dot au, everything's waiting for you, and it's ending 37 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,559 Speaker 2: today Black Friday, so please jump on it right now, 38 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,520 Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot you. Okay, that's my big plug. 39 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,080 Speaker 2: I normally don't use the podcast for advertising at all, 40 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,560 Speaker 2: but it's Black Friday, so please for those of you 41 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,080 Speaker 2: who don't like advertising, forgive us. But we really needed 42 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 2: to get that out there. Kylie, I'll do better tomorrow. 43 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,600 Speaker 2: Parental Guidance, We're going to have a bit of a 44 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:12,400 Speaker 2: chat about that before we dive into some conversations about 45 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:15,400 Speaker 2: what we've learned about parenting. This week, we asked a 46 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:19,519 Speaker 2: bunch of our podcast listeners some questions about what lessons 47 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:24,239 Speaker 2: they took from the TV show. Jess said this. 48 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,240 Speaker 3: What I loved about the parents on Parental Guidance was 49 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:31,799 Speaker 3: that both parents where there were two parents, were really 50 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,320 Speaker 3: aligned on what their parenting style was. In our family, 51 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:39,360 Speaker 3: we have two parents with two different parenting styles. It 52 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 3: kind of prompted me to think that we need to 53 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,840 Speaker 3: be on the same page more of the time. 54 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,640 Speaker 4: What I loved about what the show highlighted was the 55 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:51,080 Speaker 4: acknowledgment that all of these different parenting styles have so 56 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:55,079 Speaker 4: many strengths in them. And I think sometimes we focus 57 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,800 Speaker 4: on the fact that we come from two totally different camps. 58 00:02:58,400 --> 00:02:59,880 Speaker 4: But I think if we were a bit more strict 59 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,480 Speaker 4: in our thinking and recognize that he brings strengths and 60 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,520 Speaker 4: I bring strengths, and how can we marry those strengths 61 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,480 Speaker 4: together to create this wonderful whole. 62 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,440 Speaker 2: It's really nice, you know, The other thing that stood 63 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 2: out to me is I listened to what Jess was saying, 64 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,560 Speaker 2: sometimes there might be some benefits to being a single 65 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:17,760 Speaker 2: parent because you don't have to have you anybody. I 66 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,320 Speaker 2: shouldn't I shouldn't make too light of that. This is 67 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,400 Speaker 2: what Larissa said. 68 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,920 Speaker 5: I loved it when the Nature parents said that children 69 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,320 Speaker 5: can't climb the walls if you take them away, and 70 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,800 Speaker 5: that was such a good reminder that our children are 71 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:32,560 Speaker 5: actually much much happier when they're outside. Yeah, we've implemented 72 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,000 Speaker 5: that and it's already been quite helpful. 73 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,440 Speaker 2: Nature is fuel for the soul. 74 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,120 Speaker 4: We see this all the time with our kids. One 75 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 4: of them in particular, let a glose outside. Yes, she 76 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 4: is just an angel. 77 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,040 Speaker 2: You know what I love about Larisa's comment as well. 78 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:49,600 Speaker 2: It's just little comments, little little statements from the parents 79 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:52,280 Speaker 2: or from me or whoever in the show. Little things 80 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,560 Speaker 2: stood out to everybody. Totally forgotten that had even been said. 81 00:03:55,560 --> 00:04:00,200 Speaker 2: But what a great comment. Here was Miriam's family lifeless. 82 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,240 Speaker 2: Based on what she saw in parnal guidance. 83 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 6: Our found they could benefit from a lot more routine, 84 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,560 Speaker 6: especially at dinner time. But it's very hard with three 85 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:13,480 Speaker 6: children at such different ages fourteen eight and three to 86 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:15,640 Speaker 6: find any kind of routine that works for us all. 87 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,159 Speaker 6: So we'll work on that one. 88 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:22,520 Speaker 4: It's interesting Mariam probably has a routine, but she doesn't 89 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,720 Speaker 4: see it the same way as what she's seen in 90 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,279 Speaker 4: a structured. 91 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,039 Speaker 2: Well Britain Tony the routine parents, they were very very 92 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 2: very structured. 93 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,400 Speaker 4: Yeah, but with such a huge age gap fourteen eight 94 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,720 Speaker 4: and three each of them, Yeah, there will be some 95 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,320 Speaker 4: kind of routine, but it won't be kind of meshed 96 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,560 Speaker 4: together necessarily. 97 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,920 Speaker 2: What I think is really interesting as well is just 98 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:44,000 Speaker 2: how much routine is a hassle. Like we're constantly talking 99 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:47,680 Speaker 2: about routine because routine requires so much work. But what 100 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,320 Speaker 2: a really great lesson. The second question that we ask 101 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:55,000 Speaker 2: people was which parents on parental Guidance did you connect 102 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:58,080 Speaker 2: the most with? This is what Rachel said. When I was. 103 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:02,200 Speaker 7: First apparent, I imaginearenting as a strict parent as that's 104 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,880 Speaker 7: how I was raised. So the first few years were 105 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:09,799 Speaker 7: characterized by strict parenting. I gradually moved towards less authoritative 106 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:14,120 Speaker 7: parenting and more relationship building while still trying to maintain boundaries. 107 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,599 Speaker 7: I think from seeing the ten sets of parents on 108 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,640 Speaker 7: the show, I view them a bit like a painting palette, 109 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:21,960 Speaker 7: a dad from each of them that my husband and 110 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,680 Speaker 7: I mixed to make our own family style. We are homeschoolers, 111 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,239 Speaker 7: but somewhere in the middle of the six kid family, 112 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:32,359 Speaker 7: homeschooling and the nature based family. We definitely go barefoot 113 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,760 Speaker 7: most of the time here, but we do use workbooks. 114 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:36,360 Speaker 5: I can't have them all. 115 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,400 Speaker 7: Working at the same time, as they all need one 116 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,039 Speaker 7: on one, so that's where the children who aren't being 117 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,120 Speaker 7: helped at the time, they end up with a lot 118 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:44,080 Speaker 7: of free range time. 119 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,040 Speaker 2: Well, so many things that we can call out of 120 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,279 Speaker 2: Rachel's observations. 121 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 4: I love her admission that she aspires to routine, but 122 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,680 Speaker 4: it just never quite sticks. I think I feel a 123 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,839 Speaker 4: bit like that sometimes some morning there's always someone in 124 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:59,040 Speaker 4: there who's like, not not following that. 125 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,679 Speaker 2: Well, we've got too that just won't follow the routine 126 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,040 Speaker 2: at all, not even you know what. I like, though, 127 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,600 Speaker 2: Rachel's highlighted with those ten sets of parents, there's this 128 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,440 Speaker 2: palette that we can all paint from, and we don't 129 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:13,800 Speaker 2: have to be any particular style. We can literally just 130 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,119 Speaker 2: lift these ideas. I mean, research shows there is actually 131 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,839 Speaker 2: a parenting style that matters the most. But from an 132 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,760 Speaker 2: entertainment perspective and from what we saw in the show, 133 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,720 Speaker 2: what we've really seen, and I've heard so many people 134 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,800 Speaker 2: saying the same thing. I just wanted a little bit 135 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,440 Speaker 2: of this and a little bit of that, and that's 136 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:32,040 Speaker 2: what's going to work best well. 137 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:33,840 Speaker 4: And I think when we had our family meeting last 138 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,880 Speaker 4: week with the kids, they highlighted that as well. They 139 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,520 Speaker 4: didn't see us as being, you know, one type. They 140 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,520 Speaker 4: recognized that we pulled in, you know, different aspects from 141 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:42,400 Speaker 4: different areas well. 142 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,159 Speaker 2: That's because they didn't have our type on the show 143 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,480 Speaker 2: the perfect parents, but the perfect parents but all of 144 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:50,359 Speaker 2: the shows, so therefore they didn't get to see the 145 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:51,480 Speaker 2: perfect parents' parenting. 146 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,159 Speaker 4: I don't even know what to say to that. 147 00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:56,279 Speaker 2: Okay, it was a bit of a stretch, let's listen 148 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,800 Speaker 2: to and nobody would have connected with that, right, I mean, 149 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:01,720 Speaker 2: there is no such things perfect part, but the authoritative 150 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,360 Speaker 2: parenting style is actually the right one. But that's just 151 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,520 Speaker 2: a mouthful nolance. So we're the authoritative parents because you're 152 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:10,080 Speaker 2: actually holding yourself up as the gold standard. I like 153 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,320 Speaker 2: the way we did it on the show. Lisa connected 154 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,840 Speaker 2: most with this family I think. 155 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,720 Speaker 8: We really like some aspects of the free range parent. 156 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:21,280 Speaker 8: I love the freedom of that idea of how they parent. 157 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 8: Might also kind of really liked the French style of 158 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:26,880 Speaker 8: parenting as well. 159 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,440 Speaker 4: What I've noticed in our family as we have kind 160 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,720 Speaker 4: of let go of the apron strings a little bit 161 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 4: more over the years and given our children autonomy, is that. 162 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:38,960 Speaker 2: Is that our oldest kids get cranky what the little 163 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:39,800 Speaker 2: kids can get away with. 164 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,760 Speaker 4: Yeah, there is a bit of that, but is just 165 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,840 Speaker 4: that word freedom. There is so much more freedom that 166 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,960 Speaker 4: the children feel and we feel as adults because we 167 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,880 Speaker 4: don't have to make all the decision. 168 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:53,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, the anxiety goes down when you stop controlling. It's 169 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:56,160 Speaker 2: actually that simple, except that there's got to be appropriate 170 00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:00,000 Speaker 2: boundaries still, because otherwise anxiety is going to go up again. Eventually. 171 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,720 Speaker 2: We need to acknowledge that Miriam connected with these parents. 172 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,440 Speaker 6: Funnily enough, it was both the strict and the free 173 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,920 Speaker 6: range parents I connected with the most, even though they 174 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:13,840 Speaker 6: kind of seem to be polar opposites. I find I 175 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 6: constantly moved between the two, and I'm constantly battling the 176 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,960 Speaker 6: tendency to be super strict. I think it can be 177 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 6: quite confusing at times in the moment as to what 178 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,360 Speaker 6: I'm actually doing, So I'm working on that. 179 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,920 Speaker 2: Sounds like a typicult parent. I'm a bit confused. 180 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,680 Speaker 4: I wonder how much of the experiences that we have 181 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:37,720 Speaker 4: as parents flow from our own experience and our personality. 182 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,480 Speaker 4: You know, she said that, you know she kind of 183 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:44,800 Speaker 4: she's in these moments and she wants to go one way, 184 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,240 Speaker 4: but she's actually leaning the other way. 185 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, But I think context is everything. I 186 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,200 Speaker 2: try not to be too strict, but when the kids 187 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 2: are still running around the house at nine o'clock at nine, 188 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,920 Speaker 2: are going to be strict. Got to bed, full stop 189 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 2: and a story. We're not going to explore explaining empower. 190 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 2: You're just to go to a bit. Well. I mean 191 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,200 Speaker 2: maybe I will listen a little bit and once I 192 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,120 Speaker 2: know that there's nothing going on, but they're just being punks, 193 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,880 Speaker 2: They're going to bed. This is the last one from 194 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,480 Speaker 2: Jess Which parents on parental Guidance did you connect with 195 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:10,840 Speaker 2: the most? 196 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:14,560 Speaker 3: I resonated most with the attachment parents. This is my 197 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,559 Speaker 3: style probably, although not one hundred percent of the time. 198 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 3: I loved the free range, homeschool and nature parenting styles, 199 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:27,400 Speaker 3: but I don't think they would work for me personally. 200 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:31,560 Speaker 3: I dislike all bugs and spiders and dirts, so nature 201 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:35,200 Speaker 3: isn't really my best friend, and I'm a little too 202 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,120 Speaker 3: risk averseque to go completely free range. But I think 203 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,559 Speaker 3: that's a good challenge for me to think about where 204 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 3: I can relax rules and where I'm possibly projecting my 205 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,400 Speaker 3: anxieties onto my kids. 206 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:50,000 Speaker 2: Kylie. I've had so many people say that they're having 207 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:54,079 Speaker 2: conversations about parental guidance on the sidelines of the nepple 208 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:57,200 Speaker 2: court or the soccer field, or on their bike rides 209 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,880 Speaker 2: with their friends or whatever it might be that they're doing. 210 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 2: There's they're walking around the block with their neighbors. It's 211 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:03,079 Speaker 2: created great conversations. 212 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:05,920 Speaker 4: I actually met a grandma the other day and she 213 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,680 Speaker 4: was having a little chat to me and she said, 214 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:11,720 Speaker 4: have you been watching that TV show Parental Guidance? She said, 215 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:12,959 Speaker 4: it is brilliant. 216 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:13,559 Speaker 2: Yeah. 217 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,480 Speaker 4: I had a little chuckle and she looked at me, 218 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:18,200 Speaker 4: what are you laughing at? And I said, Oh, don't 219 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,120 Speaker 4: tell anyone, but that's my husband. 220 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,440 Speaker 2: It's he's on the show. He's the parenting expert. And 221 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:27,199 Speaker 2: she had a little chuckle and she just she talked about. 222 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,640 Speaker 4: How it was so good for her as a grandparent. 223 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,360 Speaker 4: She's about to meet her two year old grandchild for 224 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:35,319 Speaker 4: the first time because Coch them separated. 225 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:36,200 Speaker 9: Oh wow. 226 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,720 Speaker 4: And so she's loved watching the show because it's actually 227 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:42,320 Speaker 4: just highlighted to her how many different ways there are 228 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:46,400 Speaker 4: to parent your children, and she wanted to make sure 229 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 4: that she kind of is a cross it all so 230 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,880 Speaker 4: when her daughter comes, she's more aware of what her 231 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,839 Speaker 4: daughter's doing and how she can support her. 232 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,480 Speaker 2: It was just brilliant. Yeah, great stuff. Hey, after the break, 233 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,160 Speaker 2: we're going to get on with Old Do Better tomorrow. 234 00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:58,880 Speaker 2: It's been a long podcast, so we're going to keep 235 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,520 Speaker 2: it really sure. But for those who are new to 236 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,640 Speaker 2: the podcast, every Friday we talk about what's worked and 237 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:04,640 Speaker 2: what hasn't how it can be more intentional as parents. 238 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 2: That's coming up in just a sec on the Happy 239 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:11,080 Speaker 2: Families podcast with Justin and Kylee. It's the Happy Families Podcast. 240 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,760 Speaker 9: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having 241 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,160 Speaker 9: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts 242 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,800 Speaker 9: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits 243 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:23,480 Speaker 9: with love, compassion, and humanity. Find it now at Happy 244 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,080 Speaker 9: Families dot com, dot Au slash shop. 245 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,959 Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time 246 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,800 Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now. And you're a 247 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,520 Speaker 4: little bit more time poor because we've talked to so 248 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:36,559 Speaker 4: many people today, But on Fridays we usually share things 249 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,640 Speaker 4: that we've reflected on during the week. 250 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's been a really I'm going to go first? 251 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,640 Speaker 2: May I go first? Is that okay? If I go first? Sure, 252 00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:46,200 Speaker 2: I'm going first. It's been a really rough week this week. 253 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,960 Speaker 2: You've been around a lot, and so have I. But 254 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:53,520 Speaker 2: sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes parenting is really really, 255 00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:57,800 Speaker 2: really hard. And earlier this week, one of our kids 256 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:01,480 Speaker 2: was just being over the top, like she was in 257 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,560 Speaker 2: her sister's face, she was in our space, she was 258 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,600 Speaker 2: and it wasn't like she was lacking attention. It's not 259 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,880 Speaker 2: like she's deprived of anything. This kid has had every 260 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,400 Speaker 2: opportunity and all of the attention and all that sort 261 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,959 Speaker 2: of stuff. But I don't know, just a really rotten, lousy, horrible, 262 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:17,960 Speaker 2: no good, hard truth. 263 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,880 Speaker 4: The truth of it is that we've actually worked extra 264 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,320 Speaker 4: hard with this particular child as well. 265 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:27,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, giving her more attention, more time, so much, so 266 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:32,120 Speaker 2: much anyway, she was in her sister's face and it 267 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,800 Speaker 2: just got really ugly A few nights ago, and so 268 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,800 Speaker 2: I roused on her and I don't know, I don't 269 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,599 Speaker 2: think that I was as harsh as I might have 270 00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:41,719 Speaker 2: been in the past, but I still I gave her 271 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,200 Speaker 2: a really good rev and the next day I got 272 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:49,160 Speaker 2: an email from her and she said a little poem 273 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,640 Speaker 2: she made it up. I just feel so much guilt 274 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,840 Speaker 2: that my words and actions built. I know what I 275 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,040 Speaker 2: did was wrong, tried to avoid it and be strong. 276 00:12:56,640 --> 00:13:00,640 Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, deep inside, clearly guilty my hands. It 277 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:03,480 Speaker 2: was obviously on my fault. I've opened my inner vault. 278 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,280 Speaker 2: And then she said another one through that said, Mom 279 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,280 Speaker 2: and Dad, I wonder how I became so naive and selfish. 280 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,280 Speaker 2: I wonder how I gave you pain instead of memories, 281 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,920 Speaker 2: to cherish nothing but my own anguish. I'm so sorry 282 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,960 Speaker 2: for hurting you and becoming your life's blemish. I read 283 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 2: that and I just sobbed. I thought, I know that 284 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,840 Speaker 2: she drives us crazy, but the last thing I would 285 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,320 Speaker 2: ever want is for one of my kids to feel 286 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:29,480 Speaker 2: like she was a blemish on my life. And it's just, 287 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:34,199 Speaker 2: you know what, it's actually done. Is it's highlighted Like 288 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:35,839 Speaker 2: a couple of times this week, I've thought I just 289 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,280 Speaker 2: don't want a parent anymore. I'm so over it because 290 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,440 Speaker 2: it wasn't just this one, two of her other sisters 291 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,240 Speaker 2: as well, with all the stuff that kids just drive 292 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,840 Speaker 2: you up the wall with. If you've only got one 293 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 2: or two kids, sometimes I'm really jealous because it's like 294 00:13:48,559 --> 00:13:50,040 Speaker 2: you don't have to deal with it again and again 295 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,600 Speaker 2: and again and again and again. It's been a really 296 00:13:52,679 --> 00:13:56,760 Speaker 2: really tough week, I thought for me, and then I 297 00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,200 Speaker 2: read that and I thought it's been an even a 298 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:04,200 Speaker 2: week for her. And I've gone from being selfish and 299 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:08,400 Speaker 2: frustrated and annoyed at how painful these kids are to 300 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:14,000 Speaker 2: just heartbroken and wanting to do anything and everything that 301 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:18,000 Speaker 2: I can to repair. So I'm excited for today because 302 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,720 Speaker 2: later today I'm going to pull the kids out of 303 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:22,040 Speaker 2: school lunch time. We're going to go camping. We're going 304 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:26,000 Speaker 2: to have some time with no agenda, no focus, just nature, 305 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,640 Speaker 2: and it's going to be me and a couple of 306 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 2: the kids in a tent. We're probably going to get 307 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:37,080 Speaker 2: rained on, and I'm okay with that because the kids 308 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,560 Speaker 2: are only going to do better tomorrow. If I do 309 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,000 Speaker 2: better tomorrow, I. 310 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,000 Speaker 4: Think one of the things that your experience highlights is 311 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:45,960 Speaker 4: just the acknowledgment that we often get caught up in 312 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:50,160 Speaker 4: our own heads and we can only see from our perspective. 313 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:50,600 Speaker 3: Yeah. 314 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,600 Speaker 2: I was sitting there literally going, I mean I didn't 315 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:55,960 Speaker 2: say it to her, but I was thinking, I'm going 316 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,640 Speaker 2: to stop all of her extra correct activities. I'm so 317 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:02,480 Speaker 2: sick of doing this for her. She's so ungrateful. And 318 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:05,920 Speaker 2: then I get that, and it's like I did not 319 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,000 Speaker 2: look at it from her perspective one little bit. 320 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,400 Speaker 4: Well, mine is probably not as deep and meaningful as 321 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,600 Speaker 4: your experience. But earlier in the week I was able 322 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:18,000 Speaker 4: to go to the children's awards assembly. 323 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,720 Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, and we all know how I feel about 324 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,520 Speaker 2: those awards assemblies, which is part of the reason I 325 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,480 Speaker 2: wasn't there. But the other reason was that I was 326 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:25,400 Speaker 2: booked out. 327 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:29,480 Speaker 4: And so as I was sitting there watching our little 328 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:33,200 Speaker 4: seven year old Emily, who is a bundle of energy 329 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,320 Speaker 4: and really struggles to sit still, I was blown away 330 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 4: at just how still she was, and she was so attentive. 331 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,200 Speaker 4: And at our school they have a gold hat system. 332 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,080 Speaker 4: Oh don't get me started for twelve months. The children 333 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,320 Speaker 4: need to be consistent in showing gold standard behavior, and 334 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,720 Speaker 4: if they do, then at the end of the year, 335 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 4: they have this ceremony and they're given a gold hat. 336 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,760 Speaker 2: I've just got to interrupt for a second and say, 337 00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,240 Speaker 2: what does it say to all the kids that don't 338 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,520 Speaker 2: get one? Do you think that they sit there and go, oh, 339 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,400 Speaker 2: next year, I'm going to be so much better. I'm 340 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:04,800 Speaker 2: just going to be a much better kid because I 341 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,440 Speaker 2: didn't get one this year. Like I just it's enough 342 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,400 Speaker 2: to make me want to pull the kids out of school. Honestly, 343 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:10,800 Speaker 2: it makes me so annoyed. 344 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:14,360 Speaker 4: Well, this is the first assembly I've attended of this nature, 345 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:18,880 Speaker 4: so seeing what happened and looking at the fact that 346 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 4: you know, they gave academic awards out, and you know, 347 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:27,680 Speaker 4: kind of behavior awards out and citizenship awards out, and 348 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,320 Speaker 4: there is obviously a really small cluster of students that 349 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,640 Speaker 4: were acknowledged, and then they were the same students that 350 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:38,120 Speaker 4: came up for their gold hats. And I looked at 351 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,680 Speaker 4: all of these other kids and literally there was not 352 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 4: a single kid sitting on that floor that wasn't in 353 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,400 Speaker 4: the moment being attentive. And I thought, what does it 354 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 4: mean to have a gold standard behavior, because for each 355 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,120 Speaker 4: child it will be different based on their own capacities, 356 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:59,400 Speaker 4: their own life experience, their own home life. Like there's 357 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,840 Speaker 4: just this so much going on in these little kids world. Anyway, 358 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:05,560 Speaker 4: at the end of the assembly, Miss Emily came up 359 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,800 Speaker 4: to me and she looked at me and she said, Mummy, 360 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:11,479 Speaker 4: I didn't get a gold hat again this year. And 361 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:15,520 Speaker 4: I just grabbed her and you know, pulled her into 362 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,719 Speaker 4: me and just told how much I loved her and 363 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:20,720 Speaker 4: how grateful I was for the way that she conducts 364 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,880 Speaker 4: herself and the things her beautiful kind heart. She has 365 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,760 Speaker 4: such a beautiful kind heart and she doesn't need a 366 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,760 Speaker 4: gold hat to know that and to feel that. And 367 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,040 Speaker 4: she gave me a big cuddle and she just said 368 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 4: I love you, and she walked off with a little 369 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:40,119 Speaker 4: skip in her in her step. But this idea that 370 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:45,679 Speaker 4: we have to acknowledge our kids and give them, you know, 371 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:49,159 Speaker 4: this false sense of I don't even know what to 372 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,480 Speaker 4: say about it, but it just it broke my heart 373 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,879 Speaker 4: as I watched all of these children sitting in that 374 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 4: space and just you know, the big accolades that were 375 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:03,600 Speaker 4: talked about about how these kids are gold standard, and 376 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,200 Speaker 4: like you said, where does it leave all those other kids. 377 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,679 Speaker 4: It's not motivating them to be better, it's actually just 378 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,359 Speaker 4: putting them in this little box that says I'm not 379 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:12,880 Speaker 4: good enough. 380 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:17,639 Speaker 2: Yeah, and how damaging that is. There's so much more 381 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,000 Speaker 2: I want to say about this, but our time is up. 382 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:22,600 Speaker 2: I want to just highlight one thing that stood out 383 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:26,080 Speaker 2: to me, and it came from a conversation you and 384 00:18:26,119 --> 00:18:27,880 Speaker 2: I had earlier in the week. You were talking about 385 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:31,919 Speaker 2: a year six experience where the teacher ranked you in 386 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:35,160 Speaker 2: the class based on your test scores and then seated 387 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,200 Speaker 2: you according to those test scores, and in grade six 388 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,879 Speaker 2: you scored second from the bottom of the class, and 389 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,560 Speaker 2: that's where you sat. And you shared with me how, 390 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:48,200 Speaker 2: in your forties now is a mum of six, sometimes 391 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,879 Speaker 2: you still feel like that girl who's sitting in the 392 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:57,439 Speaker 2: second last seat in the class. Literally a lifelong impact. Now, 393 00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,679 Speaker 2: I can assure you that, and you know this from 394 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:01,359 Speaker 2: my point of view, you are not sitting in the 395 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,600 Speaker 2: second last seat of the class. You're in the front seat. 396 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,840 Speaker 2: As far as I'm concerned, and I'm sure that anyone 397 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,160 Speaker 2: who listens to the podcast and hears your insights, and 398 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,080 Speaker 2: anyone who knows you knows that you're not a second 399 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,920 Speaker 2: to last student. But when we measure kids on these 400 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:18,880 Speaker 2: narrow metrics, or on these metrics that really come down 401 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:23,239 Speaker 2: to who notices whether the child's doing the right thing 402 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 2: or not, or who gives them the merit award based 403 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:27,760 Speaker 2: on who needs the pep talk or whatever, we end 404 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:31,119 Speaker 2: up with this horrible, horrible system that leaves kids feeling 405 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,600 Speaker 2: like they will not be good enough, and it can 406 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:34,560 Speaker 2: last a lifetime. 407 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:39,679 Speaker 4: What if everybody had a gold hat and what if 408 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,520 Speaker 4: there was just a gentle reminder when we saw a 409 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,480 Speaker 4: kid doing the wrong thing? I just said, is that 410 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:48,720 Speaker 4: gold gold standard behavior or whatever? It is? Like, let's 411 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:52,400 Speaker 4: inspire them, not pull them down. 412 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,760 Speaker 2: So much more to say, but what I'm going to 413 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,919 Speaker 2: say is lots of things to think about in today's 414 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,240 Speaker 2: I'll Do Better Tomorrow. Things to think about around how 415 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:07,639 Speaker 2: we engage with our own kids, how we see the 416 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,440 Speaker 2: world through their eyes, and what we're doing to them 417 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,359 Speaker 2: in terms of setting up these false economies of rewards. 418 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,680 Speaker 2: We really hope that today's podcast has given you food 419 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:21,280 Speaker 2: for forward and that it helps you to do things 420 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,440 Speaker 2: in your family that will strengthen your family, whether it's 421 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,000 Speaker 2: parental guidance, parenting style ideas, all the stuff we've talked 422 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,880 Speaker 2: about and I'll do better tomorrow. Either is fine with us. 423 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,840 Speaker 2: We just hope that it makes a difference. The Happy 424 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,960 Speaker 2: Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. 425 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,679 Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. And if you'd like 426 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,960 Speaker 2: to pick up on all of those Black Friday sales, 427 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:44,320 Speaker 2: please visit happyfamilies dot com dot A. You have a 428 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:44,920 Speaker 2: great weekend.