WEBVTT - Blindsided by My Husband and Rebuilding My Future 0:00:00.680 --> 0:00:05.040 Hello, my name's Santasha Nabananga Bamblet. I'm a proud Order 0:00:05.160 --> 0:00:08.760 Order Kerney Whaltbury and a waddery woman. And before we 0:00:08.800 --> 0:00:11.440 get started on She's on the Money podcast, I would 0:00:11.520 --> 0:00:14.520 like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land of 0:00:14.560 --> 0:00:18.680 which this podcast is recorded on a wondery country, acknowledging 0:00:18.680 --> 0:00:22.560 the elders, the ancestors and the next generation coming through 0:00:23.040 --> 0:00:27.159 as this podcast is about connecting, empowering, knowledge sharing and 0:00:27.200 --> 0:00:30.560 the storytelling of you to make a difference for today 0:00:31.040 --> 0:00:33.080 and lasting impact for tomorrow. 0:00:33.320 --> 0:00:34.200 Let's get into it. 0:00:34.360 --> 0:00:53.640 She's on the Money, She's on the Money. 0:00:57.200 --> 0:01:00.000 Hello, and welcome to She's on the Money the podcast 0:01:00.160 --> 0:01:03.800 some millennials who want financial freedom. Welcome back to another 0:01:03.800 --> 0:01:05.840 one of our money jaries where I get the absolute 0:01:05.880 --> 0:01:07.880 pleasure of sitting down with one of our She's on 0:01:07.920 --> 0:01:10.400 the Money community members and talking to them all about 0:01:10.440 --> 0:01:13.280 their money story. Let's jump straight into it, because this 0:01:13.360 --> 0:01:16.680 week I got a message and it sounded like this, Hi, 0:01:16.840 --> 0:01:18.920 She's on the Money. I'm a thirty five year old 0:01:18.959 --> 0:01:21.120 mom of two with a story that serves as a 0:01:21.160 --> 0:01:25.559 cautionary tale for all women. Three months ago, after relocating 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:27.880 to a news date with my husband. He blindsided me 0:01:27.920 --> 0:01:31.240 with the news that he was leaving. I absolutely had 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:34.720 no idea it was coming. He's the tough part. We 0:01:34.800 --> 0:01:37.959 had joint money. He earns three times what I do, 0:01:38.000 --> 0:01:40.319 and I have spent the last nine years out of 0:01:40.400 --> 0:01:43.240 full time work raising our kids. Now I'm having to 0:01:43.240 --> 0:01:46.280 pick myself up and reassess everything to start fresh and 0:01:46.319 --> 0:01:50.520 give my kids the life they deserve. Money, Diarist, that 0:01:50.680 --> 0:01:52.000 just feels like trash. 0:01:52.160 --> 0:01:54.120 That's one word for it, that's for sure. 0:01:54.320 --> 0:01:56.880 It's a bit more of a complimentary word I feel. 0:01:56.960 --> 0:01:58.880 Yeah, yeah, I've had some other words for sure that 0:01:58.920 --> 0:02:00.360 have had less letters that. 0:02:00.560 --> 0:02:01.000 Yeah. 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:01.440 Yeah. 0:02:01.480 --> 0:02:04.480 All right, Well let's start the way I always start, money, Darist. 0:02:04.520 --> 0:02:06.000 I'd love to know what grade would you give your 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:07.880 money habits from A through to F. 0:02:08.120 --> 0:02:10.880 I am like a D, maybe even a D minus. 0:02:11.639 --> 0:02:16.360 I feel like you're not. But also we'll chat about it. Okay, 0:02:16.560 --> 0:02:20.280 all right, I need to know my favorite question. Can 0:02:20.280 --> 0:02:23.200 you tell me more about your money story. Let's go back. 0:02:23.680 --> 0:02:27.239 So I was raised in a regional town. I had 0:02:27.320 --> 0:02:30.000 two working parents. We would just what I would say 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:32.880 was just like standard Australian middle class. You know, like 0:02:33.800 --> 0:02:37.480 nothing was extravagant. My parents worked in their jobs for 0:02:37.520 --> 0:02:39.680 like thirty years to put a roof over our heads, 0:02:39.800 --> 0:02:42.000 and you know, we had a holiday every couple of 0:02:42.080 --> 0:02:44.520 years and that was it. That was it was good life. 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:47.480 You know. My parents didn't really talk much about money, though. 0:02:47.600 --> 0:02:49.400 I often say, like, we can probably get into this 0:02:49.400 --> 0:02:50.919 a little bit later, and we talk about some of 0:02:50.960 --> 0:02:52.760 the other things I'm working on. But I always say 0:02:52.760 --> 0:02:57.240 my dad is very traditional country. He you know, don't 0:02:57.280 --> 0:03:01.520 talk about sex, drugs, politics, absolutely. 0:03:00.919 --> 0:03:04.280 Not exactly horible. I'm from Tasmania, I get it. Yeah, 0:03:04.320 --> 0:03:07.799 he's very taboo. Yeah, that's disgusting. You will never talk 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:09.560 about that, let alone at the dinner table. 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:13.760 Exactly. So I went to UNI, came out of UNI, 0:03:13.919 --> 0:03:17.320 and not long after, when I was twenty two, just 0:03:17.360 --> 0:03:21.000 graduated UNI, I met a cute boy. 0:03:21.880 --> 0:03:23.760 We love this, No we don't. 0:03:24.000 --> 0:03:24.760 We doesn't end well. 0:03:24.840 --> 0:03:26.200 I like com eating cuteboy. 0:03:27.840 --> 0:03:30.160 And anyway, we got together. He was eight years older 0:03:30.200 --> 0:03:33.079 than me. I was only twenty two and he was thirty. 0:03:33.800 --> 0:03:35.640 I think that's going downhill real quick. 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:39.320 Yeah, yeah, yeah, And it's only in hindsight, you know, 0:03:39.400 --> 0:03:42.040 hindsight is twenty twenty that I can see that. I'm like, oh, well, 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:44.120 I was a thirty year old dating a twenty two 0:03:44.160 --> 0:03:47.520 year old. Oh we know, we know well well because 0:03:47.560 --> 0:03:51.400 I was young and easily manipulated exactly, and so from 0:03:51.400 --> 0:03:53.760 that point on, he was already much further along in 0:03:53.800 --> 0:03:57.560 his career. He always earned like triple what I. I 0:03:57.600 --> 0:03:59.360 came out of Union on a very low paying job, 0:04:00.080 --> 0:04:04.560 and we essentially ended up joining living together pretty quickly 0:04:04.640 --> 0:04:09.000 after we got together, and then I got married very young. 0:04:09.160 --> 0:04:10.880 I had my first child when I was twenty seven, 0:04:11.200 --> 0:04:14.680 which is definitely younger than I would have planned that, 0:04:14.840 --> 0:04:16.320 but again he was eight years older than me, so 0:04:16.360 --> 0:04:18.240 he was ready for that, and I thought we'd committed 0:04:18.279 --> 0:04:20.920 to this life together, yeah, one hundred percent. And so 0:04:21.040 --> 0:04:22.760 had my first child. Or supposed to go back to 0:04:22.839 --> 0:04:24.640 my job that I really loved, but do it in 0:04:24.680 --> 0:04:28.360 like a part time capacity, And when my daughter was 0:04:28.400 --> 0:04:30.320 about six months old, I got an email saying, like, 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:33.800 your job still exists, but it's the job that you 0:04:34.520 --> 0:04:37.000 had before, and it was full time in the city, 0:04:37.400 --> 0:04:40.279 lots of travel. I didn't have family around where I 0:04:40.360 --> 0:04:42.000 was at the time, and so I had to make 0:04:42.000 --> 0:04:44.760 the decision to not go back to that job. I 0:04:44.760 --> 0:04:46.640 mean this was only like nine years ago, but part 0:04:46.680 --> 0:04:48.360 time work just was not as much of a thing 0:04:48.440 --> 0:04:50.200 as it was then. And definitely flexible work. 0:04:50.279 --> 0:04:53.560 Yeah, I feel like flexible work has really served recently 0:04:53.600 --> 0:04:56.560 where people are realizing I think after COVID with all 0:04:56.600 --> 0:04:59.800 of the work from home and like the work flexibly arrangements, 0:04:59.880 --> 0:05:02.480 like it's definitely searched. But yeah, nine years ago, getting 0:05:02.480 --> 0:05:05.200 a part time role was kind of like the golden goose. 0:05:05.080 --> 0:05:08.080 Exactly, and especially in the kind of industry. And then 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:10.559 so I turned in and did some freelance work, which 0:05:11.400 --> 0:05:13.479 I mean, look at how its pros and cons. I 0:05:13.520 --> 0:05:16.080 think if anytime you want to start a business or 0:05:16.080 --> 0:05:17.640 start being a sole trader, you want to do it 0:05:17.680 --> 0:05:19.840 because you've decided I'm ready for this, and I'm prep 0:05:19.920 --> 0:05:21.359 for this. And whereas I had to kind of do 0:05:21.400 --> 0:05:23.839 it as a necessity, so I didn't know how much 0:05:23.880 --> 0:05:26.360 to charge. I didn't know, you know, like a lot 0:05:26.360 --> 0:05:28.400 of my old workplaces became my client, so that kind 0:05:28.400 --> 0:05:30.640 of made it a bit easier. And I continued on 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:32.600 doing that all the way through for another three years 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:36.760 till I had my son, and then when he was younger, 0:05:36.760 --> 0:05:38.640 I went back to work, but I basically just worked 0:05:38.680 --> 0:05:44.680 part time in jobs that I would say below my capabilities. 0:05:45.320 --> 0:05:47.599 That's the journey, right like, And I'm not saying it's 0:05:47.640 --> 0:05:50.840 okay that it's like the small steps that you make 0:05:51.760 --> 0:05:54.920 for your family that are sacrifices that you go, that's okay, 0:05:55.080 --> 0:05:57.400 we'll sort that out. That's okay, we'll sort that out. 0:05:57.480 --> 0:05:59.520 And then you fast forward and realize that all of 0:05:59.520 --> 0:06:01.520 those time, any little steps that you thought you were 0:06:01.560 --> 0:06:04.080 making that were in the best interest at the time 0:06:04.160 --> 0:06:07.400 were actually not in your best interests exactly. 0:06:07.040 --> 0:06:09.479 Because I was thinking of us and I wasn't thinking 0:06:09.480 --> 0:06:12.960 of me. And now, like I said, it is a 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:16.680 cautionary tale, it's bitten me in the bum. I had 0:06:16.880 --> 0:06:22.120 no separate money from him. I always felt sort of 0:06:22.120 --> 0:06:25.919 at the mercy of that he we're both terrible with money, 0:06:26.000 --> 0:06:30.080 and I am open to admitting that, but he kind 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:32.560 of isn't. And we got a financial advisor a few 0:06:32.600 --> 0:06:35.560 years ago, and I was very open about that, you know, 0:06:36.440 --> 0:06:39.960 we're terrible with money. Help us, you know, And one 0:06:40.000 --> 0:06:42.320 of the suggestions he had was, look, I can basically 0:06:42.320 --> 0:06:44.280 take control of your money and give you guys essentially 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:46.480 like an allowance each week, and I'm like, great, yep, 0:06:46.680 --> 0:06:49.760 that's the level of oversight we need. My husband didn't 0:06:49.880 --> 0:06:51.320 like that. I think it's a bit of an ego 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:54.560 thing maybe for a man, a control thing for sure, 0:06:54.560 --> 0:06:56.440 because you know, he would get a new hobby every 0:06:56.480 --> 0:06:58.719 couple of months and just go and spend Like why 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:01.920 and I are people this well because they haven't been 0:07:01.920 --> 0:07:03.719 to therapy and dealt with the root cause of what's 0:07:03.760 --> 0:07:04.160 going on. 0:07:04.520 --> 0:07:09.360 Oh ah yeah, yeah, that makes a lot more sense. 0:07:09.240 --> 0:07:12.000 Now, yeah, yeah, because why do that when you can 0:07:12.080 --> 0:07:14.880 just fill the void with buying new things? Oh you know? 0:07:15.120 --> 0:07:17.440 Actually, yeah, like why I spend money on therapy? 0:07:17.920 --> 0:07:18.680 That ah? 0:07:18.880 --> 0:07:22.960 So smart, so smart, so smart. So what happened after that? 0:07:23.120 --> 0:07:25.400 So we moved recently, we did a big move into 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:26.240 state move. 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:28.680 The audad sorry, like I don't know enough about this situation, 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:30.840 but the audacity on that man to let you move 0:07:31.000 --> 0:07:36.160 states and then go by the way not feeling this. Oh, 0:07:36.240 --> 0:07:36.840 also to. 0:07:36.840 --> 0:07:39.640 Move away from family that was in my other city. 0:07:39.880 --> 0:07:44.040 Moving from home to somewhere else, you're probably thinking new life. Great, 0:07:44.160 --> 0:07:48.520 We've got these great opportunities as a family. Yeah. 0:07:48.560 --> 0:07:52.280 So oh mate, Like the week before he sat down 0:07:52.320 --> 0:07:54.360 and told me this on a random Thursday night. I 0:07:54.400 --> 0:07:56.080 was literally drinking a cup of tea on the couch 0:07:56.080 --> 0:07:58.080 and he sat down and said, I can't do this anymore. 0:07:58.200 --> 0:08:00.760 Sorry, what so you can't do what me during because 0:08:00.760 --> 0:08:02.360 that's currently where we're at. 0:08:02.480 --> 0:08:04.640 Exactly, like that is our life stage to deal with it. 0:08:05.200 --> 0:08:07.400 And the week before that we had met with our 0:08:07.440 --> 0:08:10.000 financial advisor to talk about buying a property here. No, 0:08:11.240 --> 0:08:13.080 you know, And now he wants to turn around and say, 0:08:13.120 --> 0:08:14.880 you should have known you can't act. 0:08:14.720 --> 0:08:17.440 What do you mean I should have known you're literally 0:08:17.920 --> 0:08:21.920 talking with a financial advisor about another commitment together. 0:08:23.200 --> 0:08:24.840 And this is the thing, right And I know it's 0:08:24.840 --> 0:08:27.120 so cliche for a woman to say in twenty twenty four, 0:08:27.160 --> 0:08:29.640 but he's a legitimate narcissist, Like I have learned this. 0:08:29.640 --> 0:08:31.320 Now And I'm like, yeah, but you don't know at 0:08:31.320 --> 0:08:31.800 the time. 0:08:32.240 --> 0:08:33.839 No, And you don't want to see that at the time. 0:08:33.840 --> 0:08:35.280 And I get it. Like people have said, to me, 0:08:36.040 --> 0:08:37.600 was he like this the whole time? And I'm like, 0:08:37.640 --> 0:08:39.760 I guess in a way, he was, But I just 0:08:39.920 --> 0:08:41.760 I wanted to excuse it because this is the man 0:08:41.840 --> 0:08:43.720 who was the father of my children. I wanted to 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:47.320 make it work. I wanted to have that family. So anyway, 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:50.760 so we moved to where we are now at the 0:08:50.800 --> 0:08:52.760 start of the year, and about three months after, yeah, 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:55.559 he told me he was out. I was still on 0:08:55.679 --> 0:08:57.160 probation at a new job. 0:08:57.640 --> 0:09:00.880 And that just like that mental load, that like not 0:09:00.960 --> 0:09:03.600 even taking into consideration the fact that you didn't see 0:09:03.600 --> 0:09:08.960 a divorce coming, like just oh, that would have flipped 0:09:09.000 --> 0:09:10.560 the narrative. So what happened? 0:09:10.800 --> 0:09:13.720 I mean I just had to turn around and deal 0:09:13.760 --> 0:09:15.520 with it, like I was literally living. 0:09:15.600 --> 0:09:17.679 Did he give a reason? Obviously, he was like you 0:09:17.679 --> 0:09:18.640 should have seen this coming. 0:09:18.840 --> 0:09:23.160 No, really, just this isn't working exactly, there's not really 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:23.520 a reason. 0:09:23.559 --> 0:09:25.679 Looks from your perspective, was it working? 0:09:25.840 --> 0:09:28.079 I mean, it wasn't the best, But I also just 0:09:28.160 --> 0:09:29.640 thought that was the season of life. 0:09:29.960 --> 0:09:32.920 Yeah, like we have young kids, Like stuff's just stuffing. 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:35.800 Yeah, And like I've just watched so many you know, 0:09:35.920 --> 0:09:37.520 my mom and dad and aunts and uncles and things 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:40.880 like that. I've seen marriages have ebbs and flows, and 0:09:40.920 --> 0:09:44.400 like there was nothing so so terrible in it that 0:09:44.480 --> 0:09:47.000 I would have ever considered walking away, you know, like 0:09:47.040 --> 0:09:50.200 it just wasn't like and so I genuinely believe he's 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:52.320 having a midlife crisis and he had to run away 0:09:52.320 --> 0:09:52.800 from something. 0:09:52.880 --> 0:09:55.520 Okay, you're not twenty two anymore, and I was twenty 0:09:55.559 --> 0:09:58.719 two that kind of midlife crisis, Yeah, I think so. 0:09:59.080 --> 0:10:00.840 And just I've lost control. 0:10:01.080 --> 0:10:04.800 Like so, we had also bought a property in the 0:10:04.840 --> 0:10:07.000 other city that we were in and when we were 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:10.960 selling that for a loss just because the timing was bad, 0:10:11.000 --> 0:10:13.600 and again, like we're just not super financially true, which 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:15.080 is why I've become obsessed with you guys. 0:10:15.280 --> 0:10:18.360 Welcome to the community. We are actually so stoked to 0:10:18.360 --> 0:10:19.000 have you here. 0:10:19.280 --> 0:10:22.800 It's been amazing. Yeah, And so I think it's no 0:10:22.880 --> 0:10:24.760 surprise that the week we found out we were going 0:10:24.800 --> 0:10:26.800 to make a loss on that sale is the week 0:10:26.840 --> 0:10:28.959 he decided he was out. You know. I think there's 0:10:29.000 --> 0:10:29.880 a whole bunch. 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:31.160 Of how do we tell him that that's not what's 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:33.120 going to solve the problem. But that's okay, you do 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:33.520 you too? 0:10:34.160 --> 0:10:36.360 Yeah, So I was still on probation. My job. I'm 0:10:36.400 --> 0:10:39.720 just living through this like trauma and shock and trying 0:10:39.760 --> 0:10:42.000 to be the best mom I can to my kids. 0:10:42.120 --> 0:10:44.320 And they're living through it and I'm having to comfort 0:10:44.360 --> 0:10:48.000 them through it, and I mean, it's literally been the 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:52.079 worst few months of my life. But it definitely builds resilience, 0:10:52.160 --> 0:10:52.439 you know. 0:10:52.559 --> 0:10:55.040 We are oh my god, yeah, like I mean, yes, 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:58.320 it does. But it wasn't consensual resilience Like I didn't. 0:10:58.360 --> 0:11:00.840 I didn't go wake up and say I want to 0:11:00.880 --> 0:11:04.200 be more resilient, like you were forced into it. So 0:11:04.280 --> 0:11:07.720 tell me. You get told that your husband isn't in 0:11:07.760 --> 0:11:10.120 anymore on a random Thursday night while you're drinking a 0:11:10.160 --> 0:11:12.120 cup of tea. What happens then? 0:11:12.440 --> 0:11:16.199 So then he tells me I was obviously shocked, heartbroken, 0:11:16.360 --> 0:11:21.600 begging him to stay, and he said, you know, it's 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:23.560 not a nail in the coffin. There's things that we 0:11:23.600 --> 0:11:25.480 can work on, but I just need to get out. 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:30.120 I was like, okay, you know. So it means that 0:11:30.240 --> 0:11:33.079 within a week he had moved out of our family home. 0:11:33.600 --> 0:11:34.360 He within it. 0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:41.400 This week, he found a furnished rental that he moved to, 0:11:41.600 --> 0:11:43.920 and then my kids had to start adapting to coming 0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:47.920 and going from his place. Yeah. So I tried to 0:11:47.960 --> 0:11:49.600 talk to him about it. He didn't want to talk. 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:52.640 So I was like, okay, I'll give him time. And 0:11:52.880 --> 0:11:54.640 in that eight weeks I went I was like right, 0:11:54.720 --> 0:11:56.920 I can work on myself in this time. So I went, 0:11:56.960 --> 0:11:57.400 I got. 0:11:57.360 --> 0:12:01.400 You're a quaint, You're an iconon You're who. I hope 0:12:01.440 --> 0:12:04.760 that everyone going through a situation like this use is 0:12:05.320 --> 0:12:08.800 like I'm going to work on myself. Like what iconic behavior? 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:11.440 Well, it's just when you have no choice, right. 0:12:11.440 --> 0:12:14.120 One hundred percent. But so many people also bury their 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:15.920 heads and go we'll talk about it at some point, 0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:19.040 like true. Just don't get me wrong, Like I feel 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:22.320 like you and I know that you didn't have a choice, 0:12:22.360 --> 0:12:24.120 like this is what's happening, But you also have a 0:12:24.160 --> 0:12:26.040 choice on your mindset. You also have a choice on 0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:29.080 how you work on yourself, and those choices are going 0:12:29.160 --> 0:12:31.000 to serve you very well, exactly. 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:34.560 So I got myself on anti anxiety medication because I 0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:38.120 was like, okay, maybe that's impact in the relationship. I 0:12:38.160 --> 0:12:41.520 started doing cognitive behavioral therapy because I, like many other 0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:45.599 thirty five year old women and a late diagnose ADHDR 0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:48.080 welcome to the club, which, by the way, when I 0:12:48.080 --> 0:12:50.920 heard you refer to that as neurospicy, I laughed out loud. 0:12:51.040 --> 0:12:52.360 I thought it was the best thing I've ever heard. 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:54.839 I was like, yes, let's just normally. 0:12:54.720 --> 0:12:57.800 Framing it like we are all a little bit neurospicy, 0:12:58.120 --> 0:12:58.679 and it's. 0:12:58.520 --> 0:13:00.400 Just it's no different to like me have a double 0:13:00.480 --> 0:13:02.200 jointed thumb like whatever. 0:13:01.920 --> 0:13:05.240 Which we do because we are You're very divergent, and 0:13:05.280 --> 0:13:06.600 those two things go together. 0:13:08.400 --> 0:13:12.240 I actually also did a six week hypnotherapy Who are you? 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:13.640 You are a self help queen? 0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:17.480 Yeah? Well, I just thought, let's get to the subconscious 0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:20.880 level of like my lack of self worth and my 0:13:21.400 --> 0:13:23.760 insecurities and stuff, and let's go real deep on that. 0:13:23.840 --> 0:13:27.280 My view on it was, at least I know I 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:30.160 have done everything I can to save this relationship. If 0:13:30.160 --> 0:13:31.880 he still doesn't want it, well, then none of this 0:13:31.920 --> 0:13:32.719 stuff is. 0:13:32.840 --> 0:13:34.479 That's actually not my problem. 0:13:34.240 --> 0:13:37.160 Exactly, And I've then put myself in the best possible position. 0:13:37.800 --> 0:13:39.880 So after about eight weeks, I asked him to come 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:42.680 and talk and he was like, yeah, no, I'm out. 0:13:44.000 --> 0:13:47.360 So that's that. Deal with it and have fun. 0:13:47.600 --> 0:13:50.319 Was the CBT. What helped you discover that your husband 0:13:50.360 --> 0:13:51.360 was actually an assist? 0:13:52.000 --> 0:13:53.680 Well that, let's be honest. 0:13:53.840 --> 0:13:57.079 Instagram Yeah, yeah, yeah, one hundred percent, Like that's a 0:13:57.160 --> 0:13:57.960 form of therapy. 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:01.319 My algorithm these days is I was just like, how 0:14:01.320 --> 0:14:03.240 to spot a narcissist, and like, how. 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:06.720 To Sometimes I feel like, yeah, algorithm, really, algorithm's too hard, 0:14:06.760 --> 0:14:09.959 and you're like, yeah, have you been listening, Like no, 0:14:10.240 --> 0:14:10.960 how did you know? 0:14:11.600 --> 0:14:14.800 I know? I know? So yeah, So that's kind of 0:14:14.800 --> 0:14:17.160 where we are now. I decided to take a bit 0:14:17.160 --> 0:14:19.840 of control of it. I got a lawyer, which not 0:14:19.960 --> 0:14:23.600 cheap obviously, and got myself with as much info as 0:14:23.600 --> 0:14:26.000 I could. I actually spoke to a really amazing lawyer 0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:27.800 and she was like, look, there's all these different ways 0:14:27.840 --> 0:14:29.960 to do this. The best way to do it, if 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:32.400 you guys are amicable enough, is to do it through mediation, 0:14:32.560 --> 0:14:34.640 so you're not having lawyers represent you, so you're not 0:14:35.040 --> 0:14:35.760 like waste that money. 0:14:35.760 --> 0:14:38.320 And I was so nice of you to say that, Yeah, 0:14:38.360 --> 0:14:40.280 thank you. Also an iconic queen. 0:14:40.480 --> 0:14:41.960 Yeah, and she was just like, I'm the one who 0:14:42.040 --> 0:14:44.440 does these invoices of these clients, and I invoice them 0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:47.200 for like thirty grand and I just think to myself, 0:14:47.240 --> 0:14:49.400 that's money that could have gone towards the depozard or 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:51.920 the kids. And I'm like, you know, so we did that. 0:14:52.560 --> 0:14:56.040 A couple of weeks ago. We did the mediation, which 0:14:56.040 --> 0:14:58.360 is like a one day thing to deal with property 0:14:58.400 --> 0:15:01.480 and family also. So in the meantime, had quite a 0:15:01.480 --> 0:15:04.520 few meetings with my financial advisor. He has been amazing 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:07.120 helping me with negotiations and stuff, and so I came 0:15:07.160 --> 0:15:11.000 out of that pretty well. I went in probably over prepared, 0:15:11.120 --> 0:15:13.240 but I think that's a better way to be, and 0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:14.680 he went in completely underprepared. 0:15:14.840 --> 0:15:18.240 So that's very media commit aged white man behavior exactly. 0:15:19.040 --> 0:15:21.280 So why should I prepare for this? You know the 0:15:21.320 --> 0:15:22.360 world will work for me. 0:15:22.680 --> 0:15:25.720 Okay, Well that's interesting. I feel like you are killing 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:29.080 it and it reminds me of that quote sometimes something 0:15:29.160 --> 0:15:32.160 you lose is not a loss, and like that is 0:15:32.720 --> 0:15:35.720 so true, Like you feel like you're losing something, but 0:15:35.800 --> 0:15:39.280 you're not. It's not a loss. And that just right 0:15:39.320 --> 0:15:42.040 now is like what you're going through. I think in 0:15:42.080 --> 0:15:43.720 a couple of years you'll be like, oh my god, 0:15:43.760 --> 0:15:45.120 I'm so glad he did that. 0:15:45.760 --> 0:15:48.040 I know, and I do feel like I'm starting to 0:15:48.080 --> 0:15:51.200 see that now. I feel like I do feel like 0:15:51.400 --> 0:15:52.960 in the end, I will look back and be glad 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:56.520 this happened, because you know, I am thirty five years old, 0:15:56.560 --> 0:15:58.800 I've got my whole life ahead of me. I've just 0:15:58.800 --> 0:16:01.560 put the gas pedal back down my career. My kids 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:05.080 are both in school, so like, let's. 0:16:04.880 --> 0:16:07.240 Go cheers to him for not doing it while you 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:11.160 had two tiny, tiny children who weren't in school. Like, yeah, 0:16:11.240 --> 0:16:13.840 that's I mean, they'rey considerate of him. 0:16:14.480 --> 0:16:15.240 I'm not a great man. 0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:19.000 Oh one out of ten cannot recommend. These are the 0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:22.400 moments where you realize that, like, being straight is actually 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:23.200 not a choice. 0:16:23.440 --> 0:16:25.680 No, no, I look, I am open to any and 0:16:25.720 --> 0:16:29.000 all possibilities. Now I will. 0:16:29.760 --> 0:16:31.920 So I want to know, let's get into some nitty 0:16:31.920 --> 0:16:34.240 gritty questions. So I'm sure it will come back up. 0:16:34.280 --> 0:16:36.600 But now that you are getting back into your career, 0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:38.160 what do you do for it? How much money do 0:16:38.200 --> 0:16:38.600 you earn? 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:42.920 So I'm a communications manager. I am on one hundred 0:16:42.960 --> 0:16:46.400 and three per year plus super. 0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:48.800 Oh how good is that? I mean at the moment, 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:52.200 you're probably like, oh, everything's so expensive, But like that 0:16:52.360 --> 0:16:55.560 is a great career trajectory. Yeah, and I feel like 0:16:55.600 --> 0:16:57.520 there's a lot of room for growth, which is awesome. 0:16:57.720 --> 0:16:59.880 Where like, and this is probably not a question that's 0:17:00.080 --> 0:17:02.680 get kind questioned to us, but that where do you 0:17:02.720 --> 0:17:04.800 think you would have been had you not, you know, 0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:07.680 put the brakes on your career? Back when you were 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:10.120 making sacrifices so that he could earn three times more 0:17:10.160 --> 0:17:10.480 than you. 0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:13.040 Well, I know exactly where I would be because this 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:15.399 is part of the research I did with going into 0:17:15.440 --> 0:17:19.280 my mediation. So my best friend and I graduated from 0:17:19.320 --> 0:17:22.000 the same degree at the same time. She's just recently 0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:24.960 had her first child, which, by the way, having kids 0:17:24.960 --> 0:17:26.480 in your thirties is a way better idea for so 0:17:26.520 --> 0:17:27.000 many reasons. 0:17:27.000 --> 0:17:30.240 But anyway, when I'm still not getting sleep and I'm 0:17:30.240 --> 0:17:32.480 really tired, and you get to climb into your bed 0:17:32.520 --> 0:17:34.480 and no toddler is going to be in the middle, 0:17:34.800 --> 0:17:35.720 You'll be saying, ha. 0:17:36.560 --> 0:17:38.239 Try having an eight year old and a five year 0:17:38.240 --> 0:17:39.160 old in bed every night. 0:17:39.200 --> 0:17:41.320 It's that's right, you know what. I feel like you're 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:42.119 living my dream. 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:47.679 So she had an amazing stuff with her career, Like 0:17:47.760 --> 0:17:49.600 not to take anything away from her, like she's brilliant 0:17:49.680 --> 0:17:51.880 what she does, but we had very similar you know, 0:17:52.119 --> 0:17:54.119 I would say, work ethics and all that kind of stuff. 0:17:54.560 --> 0:17:58.000 She is currently on two hundred and ten. Yeah, okay, 0:17:58.080 --> 0:18:00.600 you know, so that's the sacrifice I made in terms 0:18:00.640 --> 0:18:04.359 of being the one at home raising the children. And 0:18:04.400 --> 0:18:06.080 when I said that to him, he said, well, I 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:07.160 didn't ask you to do that. 0:18:07.400 --> 0:18:10.480 I'm gonna literally bunch you in the face, so weird. 0:18:10.920 --> 0:18:13.320