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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, I came up and I got the air. I

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Speaker 2: got back on my board, I padded back out and

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Speaker 2: I got some more amazing waves. That's really to take

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Speaker 2: her message big waves, parenting world heavy water. But as

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Speaker 2: so long as we can stay calm, get out of

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Speaker 2: the sweep, it'll work out.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy

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Speaker 2: Families dot com dode you. I'm here with Kylie, my

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Speaker 2: wife and unto our six daughters. Kylie, the weekend is

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Speaker 2: just around the corner, and that means our Friday episode

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Speaker 2: of I'll Do Better Too of the podcast is called

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Speaker 2: I'll Do Better Tomorrow. You know what I'm trying to say,

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Speaker 2: I'm excited for the weekend. I'll Do Better Tomorrow for

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Speaker 2: those of you who are new to the podcast, is

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Speaker 2: the opportunity that we take to reflect on the week

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Speaker 2: that was and work out how do we do things better?

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Speaker 2: Where do we go wrong, what do we do right?

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Speaker 2: How do we do better tomorrow? When it comes to

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Speaker 2: the way we raising our family Kylie, just before we

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Speaker 2: get into it, I want to reflect on last week's

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Speaker 2: I'll be about it tomorrow. If you didn't catch it, I

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Speaker 2: think the only way to talk about it is to

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Speaker 2: confess that I said last week that I wanted to

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Speaker 2: quit parenting. I'm done, I've had enough. Just over it

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Speaker 2: and we'll talk about this in just a sec. But

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Speaker 2: I hate to say it. It got worse. It actually

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Speaker 2: got worse. More to come on that in a moment. However,

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Speaker 2: as a result of our podcast, I shared what I

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Speaker 2: had talked about on Facebook and a couple of hundred

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Speaker 2: comments came through it. It kind of blew up the

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Speaker 2: parenting expert on Australia's leading parenting Educators saying that he

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Speaker 2: wants to stop being a parent. I guess got people.

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Speaker 2: Most people were actually quite empathic and also shared, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I want to quit parenting as well. It's hard. But

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Speaker 2: I got one email. In fact, we received this email

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Speaker 2: from Kira, who emailed us podcasts at Happy Families dot

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Speaker 2: com dot and Kylie. Here's what she said morning, Justin

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Speaker 2: and Kylie, I'm in tears. Thank you. It's funny, that,

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Speaker 2: isn't it. I'm in tears. Thanks so much. For making

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Speaker 2: me cry. Firstly, justin thanks for sharing your open and

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Speaker 2: honest opinion about feeling over parenting at the moment. It

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Speaker 2: was greatly appreciated and deeply felt. Second, Kylie is a

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Speaker 2: number four whose eldest is currently sixteen. You had me

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Speaker 2: in tears. I felt like maybe I've lost her forever,

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Speaker 2: but to know that she will come back if I

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Speaker 2: can just hang in there, maybe for a couple more years,

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Speaker 2: was so reassuring. I'm a long time listener, a huge

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Speaker 2: fan of supporter of your work, and having moved to

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Speaker 2: the Sunshine Coast in January last year. Also, I've thoroughly

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Speaker 2: enjoyed listening to you both every day. Thanks and enjoy

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Speaker 2: your wee time this weekend. So that was from Kira.

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Speaker 2: What a wonderful, wonderful email podcasts at Happy Families dot

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Speaker 2: com dot you if you have any feedback for us

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Speaker 2: on the podcast, Kylie, I think that off the back

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Speaker 2: of that email and off the back of last week's podcast,

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Speaker 2: which is definitely worth a listen if you missed it.

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Speaker 2: Let's talk about our I'll do better tomorrow this week?

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Speaker 2: Can I go first? Since I've preempted, go for it? Okay,

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Speaker 2: it got worse. I wanted to quit parenting. When we

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Speaker 2: recorded the podcast, it went We're on Friday had dropped

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Speaker 2: on Friday, and the weekend was even worse. In fact,

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Speaker 2: in some ways, Kylie, I felt like, how do I

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Speaker 2: say this? Twenty something years ago, when I quit my

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Speaker 2: radio career and went back to school so I could

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Speaker 2: be a bitter parent, I did it because I was

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Speaker 2: just making such a mess of things, And in some ways,

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Speaker 2: I feel like I'm no better now than I was then,

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Speaker 2: Like I just cannot believe how difficult things have been.

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Speaker 2: Just recently, I felt like I absolutely blew it across

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Speaker 2: the weekend, and because I blew it so badly and

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Speaker 2: put me into a great, big spin, I was already

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Speaker 2: feeling lousy, but then I started to feel lousy er,

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Speaker 2: and I don't remember the last time that I felt

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Speaker 2: so bad for such a prolonged period of time. I

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Speaker 2: knew what I needed to do, I just couldn't bring

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Speaker 2: myself to do it. People recognized that I wasn't doing well.

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Speaker 2: They reached out, and I ignored them. Didn't want to

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Speaker 2: talk to anybody, because what am I going to say?

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Speaker 2: I don't have conversations with people about this awful stuff

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Speaker 2: that they can't do anything about either. I don't want

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Speaker 2: to talk about it. Really really, really tough time. And

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Speaker 2: I had an experience while I was out surfing trying

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Speaker 2: to clear my mind. For those who don't know, I

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Speaker 2: love surfing, and because we live on the Sunshine Coast,

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Speaker 2: we've had absolutely enormous surf for the last week or so.

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Speaker 2: I jumped off the rocks at my favorite point break nearby,

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Speaker 2: and it was treacherous jumping off the rocks, really really dangerous,

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Speaker 2: lots of water sweeping across the rocks, and it's just

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Speaker 2: a it's not a smart thing to do. You have

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Speaker 2: to be very experienced to do it. But I got

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Speaker 2: to the edge of the rocks, I jumped off the rocks,

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Speaker 2: paddled out, caught a couple of waves, and at one point,

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Speaker 2: after a few waves, I ended up in this current,

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Speaker 2: and no matter how much I paddled, I couldn't get

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Speaker 2: out of the current. I was trying to paddle back

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Speaker 2: out past the waves, the waves kept on coming through

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Speaker 2: and pushing me into the current. The sweep, the tide,

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Speaker 2: all that sort of stuff was just holding me in place,

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Speaker 2: very very close to a really big rock wall and

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Speaker 2: no matter how hard I paddled, I just could not

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Speaker 2: get out. After about fifteen minutes, I realized that I

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Speaker 2: was in a predicament, and so I turned my surfboard

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Speaker 2: around and I actually caught one of the waves even

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Speaker 2: further into well further away from where all the waves

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Speaker 2: were breaking, and basically I went into shore, climbed up

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Speaker 2: the rocks, ran back around the beach to the rocks

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Speaker 2: where you jump off, and this time I couldn't get

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Speaker 2: back out. The tide had changed in the intervening forty

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Speaker 2: fifty sixty minutes, and there was too much water sweeping

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Speaker 2: across the rocks. The surf was bigger as well, and

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Speaker 2: it was simply impossible to get off the rocks, and

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Speaker 2: so I had to run back along the beach and

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Speaker 2: paddle out near that rock wall where I'd been caught

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Speaker 2: in that sweep already. And it took me about twenty

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Speaker 2: five minutes to paddle back out and start catching waves again.

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Speaker 2: As it happened, I caught some of the best waves

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Speaker 2: of my life that day, and some of the biggest

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Speaker 2: waves as well. But while all this was going on,

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Speaker 2: I was reflecting on the whole parenting thing. There's a

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Speaker 2: metaphor here this applies to parenting.

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Speaker 3: Well, as you were sharing your story, I was literally going,

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Speaker 3: this is explaining my whole life.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, likely, Like there are some where I feel like

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Speaker 4: I'm stuck on the rocks and there's nowhere to go,

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Speaker 4: Like everywhere looks like it's covered in glass, and I can't,

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Speaker 4: I can't, I can't make.

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Speaker 5: A right move.

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Speaker 2: Well, there's no glass on the rocks that there particular

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Speaker 2: point break, but there's a lot of barnacles and there's

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Speaker 2: a lot of sharp things. I mean I have Actually

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Speaker 2: I'm still nursing the wounds on my feet from a

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Speaker 2: few cuts from those rocks. But the reality is parenting

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Speaker 2: can feel a little bit treacherous. It can feel like

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Speaker 2: the water is sweeping all around us. It can feel

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Speaker 2: like there's so much coming at us.

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Speaker 5: Well that no matter how hard you paddle, you're just stuck.

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Speaker 2: Right, And that's what I was going to say. Even

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Speaker 2: if you get off the rocks and you get into

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Speaker 2: the water, there are some incredible highlights. There are some

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Speaker 2: moments where you go, oh my goodness, this is the best.

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Speaker 2: But then five minutes later you're in that sweep and

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Speaker 2: you're paddling like hell to get out of it, and

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Speaker 2: you just can't, and you have to turn around and

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Speaker 2: go back in and start all over again. And that's

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Speaker 2: kind of how it's been. That's kind of how it's been.

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Speaker 2: It's been really a tough kid week, and it's just

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Speaker 2: been there's been a handful of moments where a child

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Speaker 2: has come in and sat on the bed and said, hell,

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Speaker 2: love you, dad. Or what you did for Valentine's Day,

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Speaker 2: which maybe you're going to talk about later on the shore,

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Speaker 2: but you did a really special Valentine's Day for me

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Speaker 2: and the kids and put together a big Valentine's wall

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Speaker 2: with all the different things that we love about everyone

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Speaker 2: in our family. And it's when you're in that sweep,

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Speaker 2: you're in that current, and you put in the extra effort,

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Speaker 2: you paddle extra hard, or alternatively, you catch your wave

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Speaker 2: into the beach and you reset before you go back

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Speaker 2: out and face the waves again. And I feel like

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Speaker 2: that's what this week has been quite a lot of

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Speaker 2: for me. So I ldered better tomorrow is reset, get

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Speaker 2: out of the sweep, get off the rocks, get into

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Speaker 2: the place where you can actually catch the waves. Metaphorically speaking,

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Speaker 2: that is take a breather, go for a walk, talk

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Speaker 2: to the kids, do whatever you need to re set

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Speaker 2: and get family life back on track, because sometimes it's

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Speaker 2: really hard. Sometimes it's just really really hard, and we

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Speaker 2: beat ourselves up so much as parents when we get

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Speaker 2: it wrong, especially when we're a parenting expert and we've

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Speaker 2: written a book about it, we'reupposed to know all about it,

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Speaker 2: and then we still get it wrong. Tough gig. So

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Speaker 2: here's to a much better week with a whole lot

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Speaker 2: of resets taken care of. So there anything about that

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Speaker 2: you want to pick apart or add two or do

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Speaker 2: you want to share your older better tomorrow?

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Speaker 3: Well, I guess my experiences just flow on from that,

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Speaker 3: because obviously I'm intimately entwined in your experiences, and so

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Speaker 3: for me, watching you spiral downwards is always really challenging.

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Speaker 3: Unlike you, who has been given endless opportunities to practice

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Speaker 3: being empathic and sympathetic towards me and my down spirals,

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Speaker 3: I have not had the same opportunities. You have always

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Speaker 3: been rock in our home. You've been very pragmatic, You're

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Speaker 3: not particularly emotional about things.

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Speaker 5: You have a lot more clarity.

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Speaker 3: Of thought in stressful situations, and so when you are

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Speaker 3: not doing well. For me, it actually is a little

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Speaker 3: bit of a trigger, and I think that there must

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Speaker 3: be something I'm missing if you're this worked up about it,

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Speaker 3: even though I know the circumstances, even though I know

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Speaker 3: the situation, clearly, I am not seeing everything because if

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Speaker 3: I did, I would be just as worried as you are,

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Speaker 3: or I would be just as upset as you are.

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Speaker 3: There's something I'm missing. That's how I see it. So

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Speaker 3: it's not about the fact that clearly this must.

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Speaker 5: Be my fault or anything like that. It's literally because

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Speaker 5: I have such a high respect and I guess or

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Speaker 5: at the way you see the world when you're not

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Speaker 5: seeing the world the same way I'm seeing it, all

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Speaker 5: of a sudden, I just I go into panic.

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Speaker 2: Is it okay? If I jump for a sec and

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Speaker 2: just highlight two things based on what you're saying. Every

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Speaker 2: couple there's going to be somebody who's I guess the

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Speaker 2: I don't want to use this term because I don't

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Speaker 2: see myself as this, but for simplicity's sake, the strong one,

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Speaker 2: the anchor, the rock, whatever whatever metaphor you want to

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Speaker 2: use to me, that's you. But it's interesting that you

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Speaker 2: see me as that, because I just think that you're

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Speaker 2: you're you're the glue that makes our family hold together. Nevertheless,

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Speaker 2: if you're saying that about me, the pressure that the

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Speaker 2: rock of the family feels in terms of that, that's

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Speaker 2: a lot. That's a big weight to carry. It's a

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Speaker 2: big weight to carry. And if you think that the

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Speaker 2: entire emotional wellbeing of your family is predicated on you

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Speaker 2: holding it together, that that really boosts the challenge and

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Speaker 2: it makes you feel even worse when you're falling apart.

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Speaker 2: I think it's worth highlighting. And also, secondly, if you're

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Speaker 2: a single parent, if you're doing it on your own,

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Speaker 2: you know that it all comes down to you. I

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Speaker 2: just want to acknowledge that if you're a single parent

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Speaker 2: right now and you're listening, there's a lot, there's a

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Speaker 2: lot of your shoulders. It's a heavy, heavy weight to carry, and.

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Speaker 3: So often for me, the challenge is how to support

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Speaker 3: you when I'm actually slowly falling apart inside because you're

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Speaker 3: falling apart, and not taking any of it personally because

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Speaker 3: I actually, deep down understand that it isn't about me,

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Speaker 3: but all of my attempts to be helpful often hinder

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Speaker 3: the process because I actually kind of start to want

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Speaker 3: a problem solve. I just want to fix it because

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Speaker 3: I don't like this feeling ye at all. I don't

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Speaker 3: want this to continue. So I can see the solutions inside.

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Speaker 3: I know exactly what needs to happen, and I just

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Speaker 3: I want it fixed.

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Speaker 2: And how do I respond when you forget to fix it?

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Speaker 3: You pretty much walked away. I can't do this. I

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Speaker 3: can't talk to you right now, and you left because

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Speaker 3: I actually know, I know, I know, And that's what

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Speaker 3: I struggle with more because I know you not and

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Speaker 3: I'm like, if you know, why are you not just

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Speaker 3: doing it?

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Speaker 5: You know exactly what you need to do.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes it's just sometimes you just can't do it. Sometimes

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Speaker 2: it's just too hard. That's the challenge. That's the great challenge,

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Speaker 2: being able to get past that and do it. But

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Speaker 2: sometimes you can't. You're paddling and paddling and paddling, and

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Speaker 2: you just can't get out of the sweep.

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Speaker 3: And so I was really grateful that on Sunday I

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Speaker 3: had an opportunity to speak with a friend and just

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Speaker 3: I guess get my own perspective on things. And it

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Speaker 3: wasn't actually even about you. It was literally about me

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Speaker 3: and how I was processing what was going on and

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Speaker 3: just needing somebody to kind of say, I see you,

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Speaker 3: I get it. And this person hasn't experienced any of

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Speaker 3: the things that we're going through right now, but they

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Speaker 3: were able to literally weep with me and just recognize

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Speaker 3: that where I am right now, where we are right

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Speaker 3: now and our family circumstances is really hard. It's just

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Speaker 3: really hard, and there isn't actually any solutions right now.

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Speaker 5: It's just hard.

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Speaker 3: Just like you being out in that you know, massive

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Speaker 3: current and paddling and paddling and paddling and feeling like

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Speaker 3: you're not getting anywhere, that's kind of where we're sitting

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Speaker 3: right now with things. And so I was able to

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Speaker 3: come home with a little bit more clarity and just

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Speaker 3: calm and peace in a piece that it was going

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Speaker 3: to be okay. And you had sent me a text

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Speaker 3: elier in the day to just kind of explain to

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Speaker 3: me how you were feeling and the acknowledgment that you

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Speaker 3: know what you need to do and you don't need

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Speaker 3: me to tell you what to do, and that you

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Speaker 3: just needed me to love you. Yeah, And when I

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Speaker 3: sat down with you, I just said I don't. I

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Speaker 3: don't actually know what to do right now because I

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Speaker 3: think that I'm being helpful, but obviously everything that I'm

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Speaker 3: doing to be helpful actually pushes you further away from me.

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Speaker 3: And you were able to articulate just so beautifully that

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Speaker 3: you just wanted me to treat you as though there

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Speaker 3: was nothing wrong, that you weren't broken, that you didn't

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Speaker 3: need fixing, that you were just the person that I've

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Speaker 3: always loved, and that I would continue to love you

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Speaker 3: exactly the same way. And I took that on board,

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Speaker 3: and that was really hard, because, in spite of the

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Speaker 3: fact that I know that what's going on is actually

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Speaker 3: not about me, I obviously will take things that happen personally,

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Speaker 3: and so trying to get into a space where I

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Speaker 3: can just go, you know what, this isn't about me

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Speaker 3: and he just needs my love right now took a

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Speaker 3: little bit of effort. But on Sunday night, I sat

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Speaker 3: down with all the kids and you kind of came

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Speaker 3: in halfway through it, and we were talking about Valentine's

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Speaker 3: Day coming up and all of those kinds of things,

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Speaker 3: and I asked miss Ate if she'd say our family

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Speaker 3: prayer to head us off to bed, and this most

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Speaker 3: angelic little girl just said the most beautiful prayer over

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Speaker 3: our family that we would find a way to love

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Speaker 3: each other. And just that one little thing from the

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Speaker 3: youngest member in our family just melted my heart and

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Speaker 3: helped me to recognize that all any of us want

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Speaker 3: is love. No matter what we're experiencing life, we just

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Speaker 3: want to be loved. And so I was able to

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Speaker 3: kind of be what you needed me to be in

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Speaker 3: that moment, and over the next few days there was.

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Speaker 5: Just this beautiful shift.

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Speaker 3: The load, the heaviness that we're carrying is still there,

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Speaker 3: but I feel like we're able to come together in

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Speaker 3: a way that lightened the individual load that we were

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Speaker 3: carrying together.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I hope that the take home message that you

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Speaker 2: get from this podcast is I guess two fold. Number one,

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Speaker 2: family life can be really hard, and even without family life,

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Speaker 2: life can be really hard. Personally, We just we all

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Speaker 2: carry a load and sometimes we cope with it really

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Speaker 2: really well. Another time it gets too much and we

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Speaker 2: just kind of have to put it down and have

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Speaker 2: a rest for a day or two or a week

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Speaker 2: or two, and that's actually okay, But we've got to

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Speaker 2: be able to figure out a way that we can

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Speaker 2: navigate our relationships and our interactions with others while we're

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Speaker 2: doing that, and I think over time, you and I've

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Speaker 2: gotten pretty good at it. I mean, we've been married

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Speaker 2: for twenty five years next month, and it's taken a

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Speaker 2: lot of practice, but I think we're dealing with those

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Speaker 2: tough times better now than ever. The second thing that

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Speaker 2: I hope you take from this as a take home

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Speaker 2: message is that life, given enough time, sorts itself out.

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Speaker 2: We get out of the rip, the big waves stop,

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Speaker 2: the cyclone goes away, the ocean calms, we find an

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Speaker 2: opportunity to catch the waves and have those highlights. And

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Speaker 2: I really want to come back to that. While I

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Speaker 2: was surfing over the last week, I have literally had

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Speaker 2: some of the best waves of my life. But those

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Speaker 2: waves have required a lot of work, so much effort.

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Speaker 2: I have paddled, I reckon. I've lost about five kilos

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Speaker 2: from paddling so much this week, and I have been

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Speaker 2: in some rocky places, and I've also taken a couple

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Speaker 2: of beatings. I took one hole down on one wave

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Speaker 2: that was one of the longest hold downs that I've

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Speaker 2: ever had in my life. I was stuck on the

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Speaker 2: bottom of the reef, the rocks down there, and the

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Speaker 2: wave just kept on holding me down, and I knew

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Speaker 2: I had to stay calm. I knew I had to

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Speaker 2: just let the wave wash over me and eventually it

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Speaker 2: would pass. But at some point I started to realize

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Speaker 2: that I was running out of air. And as I

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Speaker 2: swam to the surface because the wave had gone, I

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Speaker 2: couldn't believe how far away the surface was. Like it

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Speaker 2: was shocking to me how long I stayed out of

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Speaker 2: the water. But I came up and I got the air,

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Speaker 2: I got back on my board, I padded back out

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Speaker 2: and I got some more amazing waves. And that's I

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Speaker 2: think that's really to take home message, big waves, pairing world,

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Speaker 2: heavy water. But so long as we can stay calm,

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Speaker 2: get out of the sweep, it'll it'll work out. Have

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Speaker 2: I pushed the metaphor too far? Or is that okay?

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Speaker 3: No? I think it's great for me. For me, the

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Speaker 3: big learning and it was amplified watching you go through

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Speaker 3: it is that when our kids are having big emotions,

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Speaker 3: as the big people in the room, we just want

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Speaker 3: to fix it. And your experience with me trying to

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Speaker 3: fix it was withdrawal.

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Speaker 2: Just treat me like nothing's the matter.

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Speaker 5: Leave me alone. I can't.

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Speaker 3: I can't do this. And so to see that and

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Speaker 3: recognize in such a just tangible way that all you

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Speaker 3: actually needed was for me to just love you seem

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Speaker 3: so easy, But it's really hard because we so often

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Speaker 3: take things so personally when our loved ones, whoever they are, kids,

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Speaker 3: adults are like, are having big emotions.

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Speaker 2: And those big emotions and never about you. They're always

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Speaker 2: just about what's going on inside the person.

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Speaker 3: But the load that it's taken off me to recognize

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Speaker 3: that it's not my responsibility to fix it. I don't

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Speaker 3: have to fix it. I fix it by actually just

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Speaker 3: loving you.

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Speaker 2: Strong take her message. The Happy Families podcast is produced

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Speaker 2: by Justin Rowan from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce, our executive producer.

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Speaker 2: Have a great weekend. We really hope that if you're

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Speaker 2: carrying a heavy load, that you find some of those

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Speaker 2: perfect parenting waves to catch across the weekend. And if

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Speaker 2: you'd like more information about making your family happier, please

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Speaker 2: visit us at Happy Families dot com dot a