Speaker 1: Hey guys, and welcome to your free therapy session. Our
Speaker 1: Thursday episode of Life Uncut, Ask Guncut. This is where
Speaker 1: we jump in and answer your dirtiest, deepest, darkest, best,
Speaker 1: most embarrassing questions, and we actually, super super do love it.
Speaker 1: We love that you guys are writing your questions. Our
Speaker 1: inbox is overflowing and we are doing our best to
Speaker 1: get to you. Every time I clear it, there's immediately
Speaker 1: another hundred questions. But we actually love it. We love
Speaker 1: that you guys trust us enough. You guys are so
Speaker 1: messed up. Yes, some of you are proper messed up
Speaker 1: that no, we love you. We don't mean that. Like
Speaker 1: we've said so many other times that we've been to
Speaker 1: in these episodes, it's so nice for us and for
Speaker 1: us to read the questions and the troubles and the
Speaker 1: dilemmas that everybody else is facing, and just to realize
Speaker 1: how normal we all are and how we are all
Speaker 1: sort of dealing with these different ups and downs that
Speaker 1: life throws at us. So say this to brit almost
Speaker 1: every week, but reading everybody else's problems makes me feel
Speaker 1: really normal. I feel like I have been through the
Speaker 1: exact same things at different points in my life. That
Speaker 1: is where our advice comes from. It comes from experience. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you guys definitely help us just as much as we
Speaker 1: help you, and we have said that before, but I
Speaker 1: really really do believe in those words. Okay, anyway, Laura,
Speaker 1: for like four hours, you've been haaughing on about this
Speaker 1: story that you've remembered your friend reminded you of, and
Speaker 1: you're dying. You kind of speak to me on the phone.
Speaker 1: I can't even understand you. Can you bloody tell me
Speaker 1: what the story is. I know that I share so
Speaker 1: much on this podcast. It's actually a bit disgusting. Every
Speaker 1: so often I see articles pop up in daily mail
Speaker 1: that have rewritten what I've said on this podcast, and
Speaker 1: it reminds me that it probably shouldn't. But anyway, here's
Speaker 1: another one. So I was to a girlfriend from UNI
Speaker 1: and we were talking about the podcast, and she said
Speaker 1: to me, she was like, I can't believe you haven't
Speaker 1: told that story. And I was like, what story? And
Speaker 1: she's like, Dude, that story. And then it occurred to
Speaker 1: me that I had suppressed this story in the deepest,
Speaker 1: darkest folds of my memory, because true trauma should just
Speaker 1: be put in a box and hide away forever, and
Speaker 1: we should never talk about it, definitely not on a
Speaker 1: national podcast. Straightaway, she calls me. She's like, I've got
Speaker 1: this story I want to tell you, but I can't
Speaker 1: tell you yet. I'm going to read on the podcast,
Speaker 1: but I'm going to pretend like it's someone that's written in.
Speaker 1: She's like, because I don't want to have this to
Speaker 1: my name, and I'm like, this better be good. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: So I was. I was planning and pretending like this
Speaker 1: was a written in accidentally unfiltered, but you know what,
Speaker 1: We're just going to throw it into this episode anyway.
Speaker 1: It's quick. I feel like we've built it up now
Speaker 1: too much. But god, okay, I better be fair with me. Okay.
Speaker 1: So I was at UNI and I was can't be
Speaker 1: that bad? Ah, so embarrassing. Okay. I was at UNI
Speaker 1: and I had just started dating this guy and I
Speaker 1: really liked him. Things were going really really well, and
Speaker 1: we had gone out this one night and I had
Speaker 1: gotten very very drunk, like very drunk, and ended up
Speaker 1: back at his house. I think at the time I
Speaker 1: thought I was gonna get lucky, but I definitely didn't
Speaker 1: get lucky. I just passed out in his bed. Did
Speaker 1: your naked body get stuck in the window again? No,
Speaker 1: although it does, I have something to do with the window.
Speaker 1: So I don't remember. I remember going to sleep. I
Speaker 1: don't remember much after that except that I woke up
Speaker 1: in the middle of the night and I really needed
Speaker 1: to be sick. I was like, oh my god, all
Speaker 1: I could taste was tequila. Oh, and so I ran
Speaker 1: to the window, which was directly because it was a
Speaker 1: he lived a university dorm, right, so like everything is
Speaker 1: super close to each other. The bed is next to
Speaker 1: the window, is like next to the kitchenette area two
Speaker 1: by two by two, totally tiny. So I ran to
Speaker 1: the window, which was right next to the bed, and
Speaker 1: I vomited out the window, only to realize that there
Speaker 1: was a fucking fly screen. There was a shot like
Speaker 1: a locked fly screen, and I vomited it into the wise.
Speaker 1: Did you know that that's what you were doing? No?
Speaker 1: Well I did as it was happening, and then I
Speaker 1: couldn't stop it from happening. And then he woke up
Speaker 1: and I was vomiting into the fly screen. Can you
Speaker 1: just imagine what that's like. It's like it's like throwing
Speaker 1: pasta through a sieve. It's exactly the same. Laura, I
Speaker 1: feel like I really should have said this as though
Speaker 1: this came in from someone else. Firstly, I've got a
Speaker 1: few feelings right now. First, I love that this other
Speaker 1: story is about window. You've got an affinity to windows. Secondly,
Speaker 1: I love that you thought this was the worst thing
Speaker 1: you've ever said, because you have sis so much worse
Speaker 1: on this podcast. Thirdly, you just reminded me of the
Speaker 1: funniest stories. Okay, so when I was really young, I've
Speaker 1: just literally thought about this. Now. I was eighteen, so
Speaker 1: just start going out, and I was with my boyfriend
Speaker 1: who I ended up being with him for eight years.
Speaker 1: But I started dating him for six years. Just to
Speaker 1: interrupt you, I didn't. I didn't end up with this
Speaker 1: guy for eight years. I didn't hear back from him
Speaker 1: after this, so it didn't really work out for me. Guy,
Speaker 1: he literally had to scrape the vomit off the window.
Speaker 1: Can't you imagine. I think you just have to throw
Speaker 1: the whole thing out. You'd have to do. You know
Speaker 1: what I want to know? This is what I want
Speaker 1: for next week's podcast. If any of you guys have
Speaker 1: had a story where something horrific has happened like this,
Speaker 1: like on your first date, and you've continued to see
Speaker 1: the person, They've looked past it, writ in I want
Speaker 1: to know about it, because not a lot of people
Speaker 1: stay through that. Yeah, maybe you pissed the bed by
Speaker 1: accident and then you ended up marrying the guy. I
Speaker 1: hadn't know about it. I want to know. Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry. Continue with your story. So I was eighteen
Speaker 1: and i'd been with my boyfriend since I was sixteen.
Speaker 1: I had been out on a bender, you know when
Speaker 1: you need to drinking, been out in a bender. I
Speaker 1: was walking down the main street and we're going home
Speaker 1: and I saw a kebab shop, and you know, everyone
Speaker 1: loves a kebab when you had been out drinking. And
Speaker 1: I said to the guy, I was saying, oh, babe,
Speaker 1: I want a kebab. Did you say it like that?
Speaker 1: Like that, babe, get me a kebab? And he's like,
Speaker 1: oh okay. So he got intop of kebab and he
Speaker 1: got you know how big a kebab is? I ate
Speaker 1: it in about two point two seconds. I inhaled it.
Speaker 1: I was like, that was amazing. Can I have another one?
Speaker 1: He was like like, you just had a whole kebab
Speaker 1: and I was like, don't you tell me what I
Speaker 1: can eat? So I had another one. I had two
Speaker 1: whole kebabs. Then the taste was so good. I was like,
Speaker 1: can be a third kebab. He's like, Brittany, I'm going
Speaker 1: to put my foot down. You don't need a third kebab.
Speaker 1: You drunk. And I was like, don't you dare tell
Speaker 1: me what I can and can't eat. Get me a
Speaker 1: third kebab. Got a third kebab. By this time, I've
Speaker 1: never eate this much of my life, Like, don't you
Speaker 1: kebab shave me? He was kebab shaming me. We barely
Speaker 1: made it home. I laid down and then I got
Speaker 1: the wave of nausea. I vomited a kebab. It was
Speaker 1: almost whole. It came out whole, and I was just
Speaker 1: like pulled it out like a whole kebab and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god. And then I proceeded to
Speaker 1: vomit for like four hours of kbab. This is disgusting.
Speaker 1: It was disgusting. Did you've went into a window screen?
Speaker 1: This is what I want to know. It was one
Speaker 1: of my worst moment was the worst night I've had.
Speaker 1: I feel like I was eighteen, So we're allowed to
Speaker 1: tell that story. I'm a mature, classy woman now, as
Speaker 1: she says as she swirls her wine. But also, guys,
Speaker 1: just to really reiterate, Well, we haven't. We haven't iterated it,
Speaker 1: but I'm going to reiterate. What I'm about to say
Speaker 1: is that we don't condone binge drinking. We don't think
Speaker 1: that this is smart behavior by any means. Yes, it's
Speaker 1: made for some funny memories or lack thereof, but be sensible.
Speaker 1: This is not funny stuff. Oh it's funny to look
Speaker 1: back on, like fifteen years later, but we absolutely know
Speaker 1: we don't condone it. But we can look back from
Speaker 1: fifteen years ago and have a bloody good laugh and
Speaker 1: still be very surprised that we both here to tell
Speaker 1: the tale. All Right, Well, I guess it's pretty obvious
Speaker 1: that we have made some pretty terrible life decisions and
Speaker 1: still making them. But this is what I always say.
Speaker 1: Our good advice comes from the terrible life decisions that
Speaker 1: we've made. We can tell you not to drink because
Speaker 1: we've done it. I've done it. Go around, it's not
Speaker 1: worth it. Trust me. Anyway, I think it's probably time
Speaker 1: that we should get into the questions. All Right, I'm
Speaker 1: coming at you hard and hot and dirty. Oh I
Speaker 1: like that. It's how you like it when I come
Speaker 1: at You're like that. Oh God, I'm very overwhelmed and flustered. Now, Okay,
Speaker 1: so this is an interesting one. My boyfriend constantly wants
Speaker 1: to give me a facial in the bedroom. I don't
Speaker 1: really love it, but do I just roll with it? Okay,
Speaker 1: I don't actually know what a facial is. My jaw
Speaker 1: is on the floor. Yeah, Brittany just sprung this question
Speaker 1: on me. We did not discuss this question. You just
Speaker 1: threw that in there. I did. I went rogue. Okay,
Speaker 1: So a facial is when a guy comes on your face.
Speaker 1: Well I got that, but I didn't know that before.
Speaker 1: I have never heard anyone actually say call it a facial. Actually,
Speaker 1: leading on from our last episode, the whole discussion around porn,
Speaker 1: I think giving someone a facial is a very porn
Speaker 1: esque move. Like I think that men who are really
Speaker 1: sexually aroused by doing that. Like I just I don't know.
Speaker 1: There's something about it that I feel feels quite degrading,
Speaker 1: Like it feels is quite it feels a bit porny. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it feels so porny, and it doesn't feel like there's
Speaker 1: a lot of respect or love or care for me.
Speaker 1: It feels a little bit like I'm being degraded. But
Speaker 1: I totally understand that there's different strokes for different folks
Speaker 1: and definitely not hit a kink shame. If that's something
Speaker 1: that you get off on and it's done within like
Speaker 1: a mutual and respectful way, and you get off on
Speaker 1: it as well, then like all for it. But if
Speaker 1: this girl is saying that she doesn't like it and
Speaker 1: her boyfriend keeps pushing for it, like know that that
Speaker 1: line in the sand can be pretty hard. It's so
Speaker 1: it's so invasive, Like if you don't want a guy
Speaker 1: to come on your face, don't allow for that. It's
Speaker 1: such an intrusive thing. I completely agree. I can see
Speaker 1: both sides of this. Absolutely. I don't think there's anything
Speaker 1: wrong with it. If you're in a relationship and he
Speaker 1: wants to do that and you are happy to do that,
Speaker 1: go for it. I mean, you're in a committed relationship,
Speaker 1: you trust each other as long as you've spoken about it,
Speaker 1: and you're both on board with it. I don't see
Speaker 1: a problem with it. I see a problem with this
Speaker 1: only because she has said she's not happy with it.
Speaker 1: Maybe she's happy for it in a blue moon. It
Speaker 1: just sounds like it's his thing. I don't know where
Speaker 1: he's gotten that from. But maybe if he's think is
Speaker 1: obviously that he doesn't want to finish inside you, maybe
Speaker 1: he doesn't have to come on your face. Maybe it
Speaker 1: could be somewhere else. But there's so many other options.
Speaker 1: So I think you just need to be really honest
Speaker 1: with him if there's ever anything you're uncomfortable with in
Speaker 1: the bedroom, whether that's the first time, a one night stand,
Speaker 1: a relationship long term, it doesn't really matter. It's your
Speaker 1: prerogative to say no and to be honest and say
Speaker 1: you don't like something. So you need to find a
Speaker 1: compromise with your partner. Also, it's just like so messy.
Speaker 1: Imagine if you have your mascara done and your makeup
Speaker 1: done and your hair done like that's that's a whole
Speaker 1: lot of clean up love. That is what you're worried about.
Speaker 1: With everything you've said, Brett, If your partner has every
Speaker 1: right to ask for something like we all have different fantasies,
Speaker 1: and it's nice to be in a relationship where he
Speaker 1: feels open enough that he can ask for something, But
Speaker 1: at the same time he needs to respect that if
Speaker 1: that crosses your boundaries and it's something that you're not
Speaker 1: comfortable with, then he shouldn't be pushing for that. And
Speaker 1: I think that that's really unfair of him. If you've
Speaker 1: explained that you don't feel comfortable and it's a no,
Speaker 1: then that should be enough, Like no should be enough
Speaker 1: having said that, And this goes for every aspect of
Speaker 1: a relationship, like literally to the point of what you
Speaker 1: like to eat, Like I'm talking any aspect. If you
Speaker 1: haven't communicated something ever before, how are they going to
Speaker 1: know If you have never said that you don't like that,
Speaker 1: they're never going to know. If you're going with it
Speaker 1: and rolling with it, he's going to think, Oh, she's
Speaker 1: into this too, she likes this too. Whether that's you saying, yeah, babe,
Speaker 1: i'll have Indian for dinner, but you hate Indian, he's
Speaker 1: going to keep ordering the Indian on that as well.
Speaker 1: Like we can't expect people to understand on nonverbal cues,
Speaker 1: like I think that often we might feel a certain
Speaker 1: way or we might feel like we're expressing a certain thing.
Speaker 1: But unless you actually verbalize those words and make it
Speaker 1: very black and white for people, you can't expect that
Speaker 1: they know what you mean or that they got the gist.
Speaker 1: Like that's an unfair expectation. So, like brit said, with
Speaker 1: everything relationship, you have to say if you're not comfortable
Speaker 1: with it, and physically say those words so that he's
Speaker 1: well aware. But like we touched on, if he's still
Speaker 1: pushing for this and this is like the only way
Speaker 1: that he's able to get his rocks off, then I
Speaker 1: feel like he's been watching way too much porn and
Speaker 1: that's something that he, like, you need to deal with,
Speaker 1: And that's a whole other issue. I don't think it's
Speaker 1: the only way he can get his rocks off. I
Speaker 1: think it's just something he likes and he thinks it's
Speaker 1: okay because she hasn't said anything, so I of course
Speaker 1: it's not the only way. He's just rolling with it
Speaker 1: because it's been allowed and it's what they've been doing.
Speaker 1: If it is something you have been doing up on
Speaker 1: this point in time, like it's okay for you to
Speaker 1: now change your mind and say you don't like something. Yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you. Next yes, thank you by Felicia. I don't
Speaker 1: want you to come on, Mandy. It's very messy clean up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like you use your money maker. Oh maybe it's
Speaker 1: good for the skin, all right. Question number two, please
Speaker 1: do not try and just swing another one in here.
Speaker 1: I stick to the script, bretty okay. Question number two,
Speaker 1: how do you know if and when you should be
Speaker 1: a proactively going for a guy, i e. Making the
Speaker 1: first move because maybe they're shy or be Do you
Speaker 1: wait patiently for them to make a move. If he's
Speaker 1: into you, surely he'll let you know. Right. Guys are
Speaker 1: just as nervous of rejection as girls are. Guys are
Speaker 1: just as scared that you're going to say no, especially
Speaker 1: if it's someone who you've met quite a few times
Speaker 1: and you kind of have like an acquaintance or a
Speaker 1: friendship with. They might think that that you don't like
Speaker 1: them as well, And so I think, grab that ball
Speaker 1: by the balls, not literally, but get in there and
Speaker 1: ask him out for coffee. For sure. I'm so about
Speaker 1: sending out the first message, chasing them sliding into their dms.
Speaker 1: I've asked people out in public in the bars. I've
Speaker 1: messaged them, I've you name it. I think if you're
Speaker 1: interested in somebody, there's absolutely nothing wrong with approaching them
Speaker 1: first and letting them know that you have that interest.
Speaker 1: And I think these days, if it's online, which let's
Speaker 1: be real, ninety five percent of nine our interactions and
Speaker 1: communication is showing somebody you're in tested straight away. Might
Speaker 1: be literally on Instagram liking two photos, giving them a follow.
Speaker 1: You could sit on that for a few days and
Speaker 1: see if they reciprocate, or you could just slide straight
Speaker 1: into their dam. I actually did this once to this
Speaker 1: guy who I was really interested in. I didn't know
Speaker 1: it much Sorwy on Instagram, liked a photo, gave him
Speaker 1: a follow, and then I just slid straight into his dam.
Speaker 1: I didn't even wait and I just said, dude, you're
Speaker 1: actually so funny. I've laughed at your Instagram page for
Speaker 1: an hour. We should grab a coffee sometime if you're keen.
Speaker 1: That's it. And in my mind, who cares if he
Speaker 1: writes back and says no, or if he doesn't write back.
Speaker 1: And he did and we ended up hooking up and
Speaker 1: having a great time and it was amazing. But on
Speaker 1: the flip side, to what you're saying, britt Like, I
Speaker 1: also think that there's situations where maybe you've known a
Speaker 1: guy for months or years or whatever, and maybe you
Speaker 1: guys you know, you're at the same work or you've
Speaker 1: got the same friendship group or something, but you've had
Speaker 1: this long term crush on them, and maybe you have
Speaker 1: great banter or great energy, and you think, like, why
Speaker 1: hasn't he asked me out? Like there's something here. I
Speaker 1: know there's something here, but he hasn't ask me out yet.
Speaker 1: There's a very good chance that he is just fearful
Speaker 1: of rejection as well. There's a very good chance that
Speaker 1: he doesn't think that you feel the same way. So
Speaker 1: I think, what have you got to lose? Like, unless
Speaker 1: it's a really close friendship circle where things are going
Speaker 1: to be a bit awkward for a little while, ask
Speaker 1: the guy out for a drink, or you're going to
Speaker 1: keep waiting and he's going to find another girlfriend, or
Speaker 1: you're going to get a boyfriend. Like, these are just
Speaker 1: opportunities that could pass you by, and I can guarantee
Speaker 1: you and won't be you getting a boyfriend. It'll be
Speaker 1: him getting a girlfriend. And you're kicking yourself, why didn't
Speaker 1: I say something earlier, like I feel like that's always
Speaker 1: the case. Do you know what a really good, like
Speaker 1: very modern and contemporary example of this is. And you
Speaker 1: guys might have seen it on the media recently, but
Speaker 1: Jimmy Fallon recently came out and said that when he
Speaker 1: had become friends with Kate Hudson, that he had a
Speaker 1: massive crush on her and he would have asked her out,
Speaker 1: or he really wanted to ask her out, and like
Speaker 1: they were friends for ages and like he'd interviewed her
Speaker 1: and they'd worked together and they just stayed friends and
Speaker 1: then she got a boyfriend and now she's married to him.
Speaker 1: And then Kate Hudson had come out and said, I
Speaker 1: had a crush on you the whole time. Yeah, why
Speaker 1: didn't you do anything? Why didn't you make a move.
Speaker 1: So he was kicking himself because he's like, I didn't know,
Speaker 1: and she's like, of course you didn't know. You didn't
Speaker 1: ask me. Do you know what came out after that
Speaker 1: came out? It came out that the exact same thing
Speaker 1: happened with him, Jimmy Fallon and Nicole Kidman. Kidman had
Speaker 1: this huge crush on Jimmy Fallon to the point that
Speaker 1: she got her agent to set it up so that
Speaker 1: she could go to Jimmy's house and they were going
Speaker 1: to talk about like maybe an interview or whatever. So
Speaker 1: they set it up. She goes to Jimmy Fallon's house.
Speaker 1: He turns up in like pajamas stool he track pants,
Speaker 1: opens the door, lets her in. She comes in. This
Speaker 1: is Nicole Kidman. He says, I didn't even pay her attention.
Speaker 1: I just sat there and played my video games and
Speaker 1: sort of half heartily talked to her over my shoulder.
Speaker 1: Nothing gave her nothing. Nicole Kidman was like, I've really
Speaker 1: worked for it. I was there for four hours trying
Speaker 1: to strike up conversations about like records and PU six
Speaker 1: mid day, she's like, maybe we should crack a wine?
Speaker 1: What about wine at this work meeting? And she's like
Speaker 1: after four hours, I was like, wow, he has no
Speaker 1: interest in me. So she left and she told him
Speaker 1: this later on, and he was like, are you kidding me?
Speaker 1: I could have had a golf Kidman again, he just
Speaker 1: gave it nothing because he thought there's no way this
Speaker 1: person would be interested in me. Honestly, some guys are
Speaker 1: so oblivious, just like some girls are oblivious, Like, if
Speaker 1: you haven't necessarily given him reason to think that you
Speaker 1: like him for fear of rejection, then there's a good
Speaker 1: chance that he won't act on it because he thinks
Speaker 1: the same thing. He's scared that you're going to reject
Speaker 1: him as well. I think if you like a guy
Speaker 1: as a woman, we can make the first move. It's
Speaker 1: twenty twenty own that make him your bitch. Confidence is sexy,
Speaker 1: and a lot of men actually like that. They like
Speaker 1: it takes a pressure off them if a woman comes
Speaker 1: and approaches them, they're like, oh wow, like Ae, she's confident,
Speaker 1: be she's sexy. See I didn't have to do any work. Also,
Speaker 1: just on what you just said, there's this really great
Speaker 1: like love coach who we've talked about a couple of times,
Speaker 1: Matthew Hussey, and he sort of explains this theory. He's like,
Speaker 1: as a woman, if you don't go out and get
Speaker 1: the men that you want, then you're always going to
Speaker 1: be the woman who settles for whatever wants You. Just
Speaker 1: means that you're always the receiver of whatever comes to you.
Speaker 1: You never get to choose the person that you want
Speaker 1: to date. And so I think it's really important that
Speaker 1: if you do have feelings for someone, or you do
Speaker 1: think that there's someone who you have a connection with, like,
Speaker 1: you need to be proactive in that because because you
Speaker 1: know what the saying is wrong. Good things don't come
Speaker 1: to those who wait. Okay, you can tell them late
Speaker 1: Laura is the pessimist. I'm the optimist. No, Look, they're
Speaker 1: the realist. I'm not a pessimists. They equally come to
Speaker 1: those who wait, but they also don't. No, I think
Speaker 1: opportunity favors people who are proactive and also ready for
Speaker 1: it in their life. Yeah. Sure, you may get lucky.
Speaker 1: Someone may walk into your life who sweeps you off
Speaker 1: your feet. That may happen. That's also very Cinderella Disneyland
Speaker 1: like whatever. You have to be proactive if you want
Speaker 1: to end up in a relationship with someone who you
Speaker 1: really want. I am just like the perfect example of
Speaker 1: both of those things, because for ever I've been the
Speaker 1: one that is proactive and I'm going in chasing. But
Speaker 1: I still have to tell myself good things come to
Speaker 1: those sit wait, brit So I'm just like a little
Speaker 1: bit a little bite, all right. Question number three Does
Speaker 1: that mean we're doing four questions today? Do you want
Speaker 1: three or four? Well, you threw in that really crazy
Speaker 1: first question, so I think we're going four. We can girls,
Speaker 1: I need your help. I think my friend, she's my
Speaker 1: old best friend, is about to ask me to be
Speaker 1: her bridesmaid, but I really really don't want to. We
Speaker 1: were so close until she met her fiance and then
Speaker 1: she just ditched me. What do I do? Do I
Speaker 1: just say yes and get it over and done with?
Speaker 1: Or can I say no? Oh? Man, that sucks, It's
Speaker 1: so tricky. I think this happens a lot. I mean,
Speaker 1: friendships change when people get into relationships. Some people are
Speaker 1: better at managing their friends and their connections with their
Speaker 1: friends when they're in a relationship, but some people, some
Speaker 1: people are really shitty and they just completely let their
Speaker 1: friendships fall by the wayside. I do think that they're
Speaker 1: a period where people are afforded a bit of time
Speaker 1: to invest in their relationship over their friendships. Like I
Speaker 1: do think that that happens as a natural give and
Speaker 1: take that happens in friendships and lifelong friends. Real lifelong
Speaker 1: friends will understand that there will be ebbs and flows
Speaker 1: in your friendship and that sometimes you'll be able to
Speaker 1: spend more time with them and see them more, and
Speaker 1: other times that's going to be less because life is
Speaker 1: just demanding and as we get older and you have kids,
Speaker 1: and you have a relationship and you have work, there
Speaker 1: are so many other things that you need to juggle
Speaker 1: and real friends understand that. But on the flip side,
Speaker 1: if she's just completely ditched you and then come out
Speaker 1: of the woodworks as someone who's now in a really
Speaker 1: happy part of their life and they're getting married and
Speaker 1: being like, hey, I want you to be involved in this,
Speaker 1: I can completely understand why you're now at this crossroads
Speaker 1: with this. Absolutely, I think this is quite a hard
Speaker 1: one for a lot of people to come to terms with.
Speaker 1: That transition from when you are young and free with
Speaker 1: no responsibility and friends to when people do start to
Speaker 1: get into serious relationships and they get full time jobs
Speaker 1: and they get life stresses. There is this transition and
Speaker 1: we can never really pinpoint it from being young and
Speaker 1: free to being an adult and a lot of the
Speaker 1: time you don't maintain the friendship that you did. It
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you love each other less or that
Speaker 1: you care about each other less, but what it means
Speaker 1: is life gets in the way and you can't dedicate
Speaker 1: enough time. Some people really take offense when a friend
Speaker 1: doesn't have as much time for them anymore. But I
Speaker 1: think that we need to get to a point where
Speaker 1: as an adult, you have to be a bit more understanding.
Speaker 1: So I don't Me and my best friend, we've been
Speaker 1: best friends since we're five years old, so our whole life,
Speaker 1: and we are in pole opposite. So she is married
Speaker 1: with two little children, she lives in Queensland. Her and
Speaker 1: I will not speak for months and months and months.
Speaker 1: That doesn't change it with us. It doesn't change the
Speaker 1: way we feel about each other, or the fact that
Speaker 1: we would still do anything for each other. When we
Speaker 1: speak to each other, it's exactly the same, like nothing
Speaker 1: has changed, and that's because we both know that the
Speaker 1: love is there and we just busy people in this situation.
Speaker 1: If you absolutely do not want to be her bridesmaid,
Speaker 1: you don't have to be. I don't think anybody has
Speaker 1: to do something that I don't want to do. If
Speaker 1: you really really don't want to do it, there are
Speaker 1: ways out of it. And I did have a look
Speaker 1: at some things that you can say and some reasoning
Speaker 1: that's going to soften the blow, and you can say
Speaker 1: to you, your friend, look, I love you when I
Speaker 1: adore you, I really want to be a part of
Speaker 1: your wedding, because there's no you know, I would. I
Speaker 1: really want to see you too, Ti the Knot, and
Speaker 1: I want to celebrate your love. But financially and in
Speaker 1: terms of time, I can't commit to that because being
Speaker 1: a bridesmaid is bloody expensive. It's a big financial commitment.
Speaker 1: It's huge, Like I think, I think that's a really
Speaker 1: easy way of getting out of the responsibility if you
Speaker 1: want out, Because if you haven't been super close over
Speaker 1: the last few months, then she probably doesn't know your
Speaker 1: financial situation and she doesn't know what's going on in
Speaker 1: your life in regards to work. So it's very easy
Speaker 1: for you to say, actually, I can't afford to do this.
Speaker 1: I mean, I've been a bridesmaid. I was a maid
Speaker 1: of honor last year for two friends, and it costs
Speaker 1: thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars when you count
Speaker 1: up like the shoes and the dress and the hen's party,
Speaker 1: days off and travel. Yeah, honestly, it's such an expensive
Speaker 1: thing to be a part of. So I do think
Speaker 1: you should only be a bridesmaid for someone who you
Speaker 1: feel really really passionate about and you love them, and
Speaker 1: they're going to be part of your friendship circle for
Speaker 1: a really long time because it is a really big responsibility.
Speaker 1: My only other part to this, which I think is
Speaker 1: really worth considering, is the reason why she's asked you
Speaker 1: to be a bridesmaid is because she does love you.
Speaker 1: And maybe she hasn't shown that recently, and maybe she
Speaker 1: hasn't been the best friend. But if you do want
Speaker 1: to rekindle that and you do want to work on
Speaker 1: that friendship and you do want to get back to
Speaker 1: a place where you were before, maybe this is your
Speaker 1: opportunity to do that. And the fact that she's asking
Speaker 1: you really shows that even though you may not have
Speaker 1: seen each other that much over the last little period,
Speaker 1: you are still someone who is so important to her
Speaker 1: and is so important in her life, and you can
Speaker 1: have a conversation with her about how you feel a
Speaker 1: little bit rejected. You'll have plenty of opportunities for that
Speaker 1: to come up as a bridesmaid, because you will get
Speaker 1: the opportunity to spend a lot of time together when
Speaker 1: you go dress shopping, and you'll have dinners and you'll
Speaker 1: you know, I just think it's a real opportunity where
Speaker 1: you can reconnect with someone who you have loved and
Speaker 1: they've been in such an important part of your life.
Speaker 1: That's a great point. Keep in mind that if you
Speaker 1: do say no, even if you have a great reason,
Speaker 1: it's going to cause some tension. She's going to be disappointed.
Speaker 1: She's going to be upset, even if you say, financially,
Speaker 1: I absolutely can't. I like to think that a real friend,
Speaker 1: and I like to think I would a real friend
Speaker 1: will understand that. She'll say absolutely. I get that, but
Speaker 1: you do need to be prepared that it's there'll be
Speaker 1: repercussions from that. Whether she wants it to be or
Speaker 1: you want it to be or not, the tension will
Speaker 1: be there. It might change things even more. Alrighty, I
Speaker 1: love it when we agree question number four. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: want to be in a position though. Question four. I'm
Speaker 1: in my mid twenties and I've become open with the
Speaker 1: idea of dating someone with a child slash children, but
Speaker 1: I've never done it. I'm unsure how to navigate it,
Speaker 1: and I wish to seek advice on doing it successfully.
Speaker 1: It's all new territory for me, and none of my
Speaker 1: girlfriends at all have ever dated people with children, so
Speaker 1: I just can't even turn to them for help. How
Speaker 1: do I navigate this? I have a girlfriend who recently
Speaker 1: started dating a guy. Not so recent but she started
Speaker 1: dating a guy who has a kid, and their relationship
Speaker 1: became very intense, very quickly. And something that I noticed
Speaker 1: through social media and through her Facebook that made me
Speaker 1: feel a little bit uncomfortable was that I felt like
Speaker 1: she was using the child as a bit of a
Speaker 1: pawn in their relationship. And hear me out when I
Speaker 1: try and explain this, but she was posting photos of
Speaker 1: herself and his kids and being like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I love these kids so much, you know, another wonderful
Speaker 1: day with boys, and I just felt a little bit
Speaker 1: like she was overstepping the place of the mother. And
Speaker 1: maybe I say this now because I feel like fear
Speaker 1: protective of Mali, and I think like if I was
Speaker 1: not with Matt and Matt brought another woman into his
Speaker 1: life that was posting those sort of things, yeah, that
Speaker 1: was posting photos of her relationship with my children, Especially
Speaker 1: if there hadn't been a lot of time between our separation,
Speaker 1: I think I would feel extremely fiercely protective over my
Speaker 1: children and the fact that somebody else was almost trying
Speaker 1: to take my role. That would be my biggest advice
Speaker 1: if you are if you're going to date somebody who
Speaker 1: has children, know that in the beginning of the relationship,
Speaker 1: know that they're not your children and you are not
Speaker 1: responsible for them. You're not responsible to discipline them. The
Speaker 1: only job that you have as a partner is really
Speaker 1: to be friends to those kids and to support their
Speaker 1: when and if they need you. But you can't take
Speaker 1: a parental role straight away. I completely agree with that,
Speaker 1: But I am going to throw a spanner in the
Speaker 1: works and da da da da da and say that
Speaker 1: I feel like that's only in the beginning of a relationship. Okay,
Speaker 1: I know both spectrums. People that are my age whose
Speaker 1: step parents they see as parents. Oh and that's what
Speaker 1: I said at the beginning of the relationship, yph. So
Speaker 1: like absolutely the beginning, because I don't want any of
Speaker 1: you to think that we're saying that if you're a
Speaker 1: step parent, that you don't have that responsibility and they're
Speaker 1: not your children, because a lot of you see them
Speaker 1: as your children and they become your children. No way.
Speaker 1: I mean, my parents both my parents are divorced, I
Speaker 1: have step parents on both sides, Like absolutely not, Like
Speaker 1: that's not what I'm saying, And I hope that I
Speaker 1: didn't come across as that. I mean, when you're first
Speaker 1: getting into a relationship with someone who has children, be
Speaker 1: very mindful that you're navigating a new territory and respect
Speaker 1: those boundaries. And I say this so that you are
Speaker 1: able to have as much of a mutual and healthy
Speaker 1: relationship with your partner's ex as possible. And she has
Speaker 1: feelings too, and it's going to be really, really hard
Speaker 1: for the other person to see her kids with someone else.
Speaker 1: Even if you are the nicest human in the world,
Speaker 1: it's not going to take away from the fact that
Speaker 1: her family unit is now with someone else. My advice
Speaker 1: is really just to take the lead from the person
Speaker 1: you're dating. He is going to tell you how he
Speaker 1: likes to do things. He's going to let you know
Speaker 1: so what mark you can go to. He's going on,
Speaker 1: you know what's okay and what's not okay. When it
Speaker 1: comes to saying yes and no to things to the kids,
Speaker 1: You're gonna go off of him. You're gonna literally just
Speaker 1: take your lead from him. In the early days, because
Speaker 1: that can cause a problem with you and your new
Speaker 1: partner as well. If he thinks you're overstepping the mark,
Speaker 1: if he thinks you're you're doing too much, you're not
Speaker 1: doing enough. Literally, go with the flow. You're there to
Speaker 1: be a friend to the child at the start, and
Speaker 1: just focus not on so much on the children, but
Speaker 1: on your relationship with your partner. It is a big
Speaker 1: responsibility to get into a relationship with someone who has children,
Speaker 1: and you do need to accept the idea that they
Speaker 1: are always going to be a part of your life
Speaker 1: and that you can't create space between your partner and
Speaker 1: his children. Like you need to be really supporting and
Speaker 1: nurturing of that relationship because that relationship will probably be
Speaker 1: number one. That's the role, that's the responsibility he has
Speaker 1: of bringing children into this world. You're not competing against
Speaker 1: each other. You're working together as a family. Give as
Speaker 1: much support and comfort and love as you possibly can.
Speaker 1: That's a tricky one. It's so tricky. Don't mean to
Speaker 1: put you off either, because it can be a beautiful
Speaker 1: thing and you can have a beautiful relationship, and I
Speaker 1: think a lot of people it scares them, and you
Speaker 1: do have to realize that it's not going to be
Speaker 1: a normal relationship like dating someone without kids. But don't
Speaker 1: let it stop. You bring you through four questions in
Speaker 1: that you really got wild tonight. Well, you know, I
Speaker 1: just thought why not? We like, why not? Why not?
Speaker 1: We're just here for here for a long time, not
Speaker 1: a good time. I'm here for both times. I'm ready
Speaker 1: double time. You guys, thank you so much for writing
Speaker 1: your questions in. Keep them coming. You can write to
Speaker 1: our Instagram at Life Uncut Podcast. Just put ask Uncut
Speaker 1: at the top of your message. You can also jump
Speaker 1: on our Facebook page and in the page is a
Speaker 1: Facebook discussion group, so make sure you like the page,
Speaker 1: but you have to jump into the discussion group as
Speaker 1: well because that's where the magic happens. Yeah, we haven't
Speaker 1: been posting much on the page, but if you get
Speaker 1: down and dirty with the Facebook discussion group, that's where
Speaker 1: it's all going down. Oh, the pages just a front
Speaker 1: like fight club page. It is just like a shell.
Speaker 1: But you don't talk about the discussion group on the page.
Speaker 1: The magic happens in the discussion group. So, guys, thank
Speaker 1: you so much to everybody who has written in questions
Speaker 1: for today's episode. We hope that you got something from it.
Speaker 1: We hope that our advice has been helpful, enlightening. Who
Speaker 1: knows even gave you a giggle. I learned something. I
Speaker 1: learned what a facial was. See next week Legends Hit
Speaker 1: Subscribe five Stars in Chaffalt because we love