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Speaker 1: Good day.

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Speaker 2: This is doctor Justin Coulson, the author of six books

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Speaker 2: about raising happy families and the founder of happy Families

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Speaker 2: dot com dot au. Here with Kylie my wife, podcast

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Speaker 2: co host and mum to our six daughters.

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Speaker 1: Because at school.

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Speaker 2: Holidays we are sharing with you podcast conversations that matter.

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Speaker 1: We think that this one is going to be really important.

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Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.

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Speaker 1: Time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 3: Now, the first one is intention, and I think it's

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Speaker 3: just so important that we actually work out what our

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Speaker 3: intention is, what are we actually hoping to get out

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Speaker 3: of what? And now here's the stars of our show,

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Speaker 3: my mum and dad.

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Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six

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Speaker 2: books about raising happy families. Here with Kylie, my wife

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Speaker 2: and co hosts and the mum to our six daughters.

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Speaker 3: And I want to highlight another of you on the

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Speaker 3: podcas Us from Apple Podcasts.

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Speaker 2: Even coming in like every day Thick and Fast, five

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Speaker 2: star reviews all of them, which is so wonderful.

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Speaker 1: Thank you.

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Speaker 3: This one's super short, but it's wonderful practical series from

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Speaker 3: Therema from.

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Speaker 1: Switzerland, Hey, thanks so much. Threema.

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Speaker 2: We really appreciate that those five star reviews help other

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Speaker 2: people to find out about the podcast, and it can

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Speaker 2: literally be three words. You can just say wonderful, practical

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Speaker 2: series and write your name where you're from.

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Speaker 1: That's all we need. So five stars, super thank you

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Speaker 1: so much. Therema.

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Speaker 3: So today I thought that we might tackle something that

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Speaker 3: you and I actually struggle with a fair but well,

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Speaker 3: actually I'm going to push this all onto you. This

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Speaker 3: is something you.

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Speaker 1: Struggle with a lot.

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Speaker 3: I've really made some conscious efforts this year to be

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Speaker 3: more intentional about how I spend my time, and in

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Speaker 3: particular actually saying no, I'm feeling.

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Speaker 2: A little bit attacked here. I'm feeling a little bit threatened.

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Speaker 2: Are you saying that I don't say knowing that I'm

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Speaker 2: not intentional.

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Speaker 3: There is a little quote that you use a lot

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Speaker 3: in our house, and it's bite off for more than

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Speaker 3: you can chew. Does it sound like anything you might say?

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Speaker 2: All right, So there's a little bit of history here.

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Speaker 2: I didn't know you're going to go there. So basically,

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Speaker 2: years and years and years ago, I was goofing off

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Speaker 2: and coming up with kind of like a mantra or

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Speaker 2: a motto for my life, like what's what's one line

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Speaker 2: that describes what my life is? And I couldn't come

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Speaker 2: up with one, but I came up with two, and

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Speaker 2: the first one was always bite off more than I

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Speaker 2: can chew, and the second one is make it up

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Speaker 2: as you go along, because obviously, once you bite off

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Speaker 2: more than you.

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Speaker 1: Can chew, you got to you gotta just shoot from

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Speaker 1: the hip.

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Speaker 3: And you know what, I actually loved that about you

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Speaker 3: because we have achieved things that we would never have

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Speaker 3: achieved if you hadn't have done that.

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Speaker 2: It makes life exciting when you just say yes to everything.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's also quite exhausting, it is.

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Speaker 2: It reminds me of a really really I think Clever

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Speaker 2: Seinfeld skit from years ago. It was on his show

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Speaker 2: and I found it on YouTube. Have a listen and

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Speaker 2: see if this sounds a bit like me.

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Speaker 4: I never get enough sleep late at night because I'm

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Speaker 4: made guy. I wants to stay up, leap What about

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Speaker 4: up after five hours sleeps? Oh, that's morning guys, That's

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Speaker 4: not my problem.

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Speaker 1: I'm nake guy. I see as leaders they want.

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Speaker 4: So you get up in the morning, you won. Exhausting gluggy.

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Speaker 4: I hate that Nate Guy. See Nate Guy always screws

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Speaker 4: the morning girl. There's nothing morning guy can do. The

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Speaker 4: only morning guy can do is training overusly often enough

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Speaker 4: so that dead guy loses a job and night guy

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Speaker 4: has no.

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Speaker 1: Money to go out anymore.

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Speaker 2: So I'm kind of I just love it. I'm kind

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Speaker 2: of a night guy, right, Oh, you're so a night guy.

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Speaker 3: But it's even weekend guy. You look at our calendar

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Speaker 3: at the beginning of the weekend, you realize that.

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Speaker 1: We're completely and utterly free for.

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Speaker 3: The weekend, and I'm thinking, this is awesome. No commitments.

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Speaker 3: We can just get things done in the house, have

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Speaker 3: some time with the kids, And all of a sudden,

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Speaker 3: you've made suggestions, several suggestions, not just one, but several

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Speaker 3: suggestions about what we might do to fill up that time.

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Speaker 3: By the time we get to the weekend, we're so exhausted.

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Speaker 3: You've booked in two or three social events that require

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Speaker 3: our time, attention, and energy. And I'm looking at you,

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Speaker 3: going I just want to go to bed.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but if you buy it off more than you

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Speaker 2: can chew, you get to have so much more fun.

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Speaker 2: There's no fun in but well I shouldn't say there's

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Speaker 2: no fun in bed.

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Speaker 1: We have six children.

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Speaker 2: But I think I can't believe you just said that,

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Speaker 2: but I think that there's this thing going on with

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Speaker 2: no milk. And I so years and years and years ago,

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Speaker 2: I think we were expecting child number three or maybe

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Speaker 2: child number four, and I decided that I was going

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Speaker 2: to be noble and helpful around the house, and so

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Speaker 2: I picked up all of the dirty washing.

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Speaker 1: I made a.

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Speaker 2: Darks pile, I made a white pile, and I made

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Speaker 2: a pink spile because we had lots of little girls,

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Speaker 2: and the darks pile was huge, and I thought, well,

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Speaker 2: I'll start with the big pile. And you were expecting

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Speaker 2: and so I was trying to do this so that

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Speaker 2: you didn't have to do all of the housework, because

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Speaker 2: you know, I was trying to be noble. And I

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Speaker 2: stuffed a whole lot of clothing into the washing machine,

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Speaker 2: like probably two and a half loads worth.

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Speaker 1: I just kept on jamming it in there, more and

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Speaker 1: more and more.

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Speaker 2: Because there was I just thought, why would I do

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Speaker 2: this in two or three loads when I can do

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Speaker 2: it in one.

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Speaker 1: When I pulled the.

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Speaker 3: Washing me, Mum that's listening right now knows where this

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Speaker 3: is going.

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Speaker 2: I think I deserve points for trying anyway. So I've

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Speaker 2: pulled the washing out, and as I'm pulling it out,

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Speaker 2: it's dirtier coming out than it was when it went in,

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Speaker 2: and there's all of this fuzz all over the washing,

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Speaker 2: and like, what have I done here? That there's something

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Speaker 2: the matter with the washing machine. You walked into the

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Speaker 2: kitchen and I'm staring at the Harvey Norman Electrical Appliance catalog,

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Speaker 2: thinking I need to buy a new washing machine for

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Speaker 2: our family because this one's on the blink. And you

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Speaker 2: then described it to me once you saw and diagnosed

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Speaker 2: the problem that the washing machine doesn't work properly when

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Speaker 2: you're try and cram too much in.

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Speaker 3: It's kind of like the refrigerator when it's too full,

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Speaker 3: it doesn't keep everything cold. You things go off so

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Speaker 3: much faster. Our lives are exactly like that.

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Speaker 1: Don't try to cram too much in.

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Speaker 2: So what we want to do, as we finished the

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Speaker 2: psychoanalysis of Justin Coulson and his desire to do all

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Speaker 2: things all the time, what we want to do is

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Speaker 2: talk to about how we can create more margin in

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Speaker 2: our lives.

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Speaker 1: We'll do that right after the break.

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast.

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Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having

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Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The Do's and don'ts

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Speaker 5: of Discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits

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Speaker 5: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy

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Speaker 5: families dot com dot au slash shop.

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Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now and today doctor

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Speaker 3: Justin is looking for answers to create more margin in

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Speaker 3: his life.

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Speaker 2: Well, I clearly have no idea how to create breathing space.

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Speaker 2: My life motto, like I said, is always bought up

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Speaker 2: more than you can chew. And just to put this

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Speaker 2: into context, if you look at my bedside table, there

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Speaker 2: are how many books would you say are currently on

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Speaker 2: my bedside table?

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Speaker 3: Oh, you have a bookshelf for a bedside table. I

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Speaker 3: actually need to buy you a bookshelf because the bedside table,

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Speaker 3: the poor thing, is way down My piles and then

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Speaker 3: most piles spill over onto the carpet because you can't

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Speaker 3: possibly fit them all. I think at the moment you

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Speaker 3: would have no less than thirty books at.

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Speaker 2: The same time at your bedside at the same time

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Speaker 2: we're trying to binge watch a new Netflix series that

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Speaker 2: we've really enjoyed, and we can't.

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Speaker 3: Do it once a week like the old days when

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Speaker 3: you used to watch it come out.

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Speaker 1: It makes me feel really bad. Here.

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Speaker 3: Netflix is there so you can you can, you know,

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Speaker 3: watch it when you and you know, watch it when

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Speaker 3: you want.

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Speaker 4: That's right.

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Speaker 1: When I have no restraint, I have no restraint.

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Speaker 2: When the Tour de France is on, I become night

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Speaker 2: guy and I'll stay up until two o'clock watching the

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Speaker 2: Tour de France, and then I expect to get up

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Speaker 2: four hours later and function Are you sure you.

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Speaker 3: Didn't have a conversation with Jerry before he did that skit?

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Speaker 1: I'm sure he's talking about you, all right?

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Speaker 2: So how do we create margin missus happy families? Because

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Speaker 2: clearly it's not my strength.

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Speaker 3: Look, I think there's three things that will really really

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Speaker 3: make a difference for you, if you'll listen.

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Speaker 1: I feel like I'm on the couch.

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Speaker 3: The first one is intention, and I think it's just

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Speaker 3: so important that we actually work out what our intention is.

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Speaker 3: What are we actually hoping to get out of life?

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Speaker 1: Everything?

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Speaker 2: Literally, I want to get everything out of life.

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Speaker 3: We can't be good at everything, and we can't do everything,

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Speaker 3: So what are the things that are most important? And

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Speaker 3: that kind of I guess leads into the second part.

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Speaker 2: I hang on, I just want to I want to

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Speaker 2: drill down on this for a second, because as much

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Speaker 2: as I've joked around, we have as a couple been

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Speaker 2: breathtakingly intentional over the years as we've tried to refine

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Speaker 2: that concept of what are the things that matter most?

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Speaker 2: There's a quote from step and Ourcovey in his book

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Speaker 2: Seven Habits of High Effective People where he says, the

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Speaker 2: things that matter most must never be at the mercy

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Speaker 2: of the things which matter least.

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Speaker 3: I love that, and I love it because it's so

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Speaker 3: easy for us to get caught up in the thick

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Speaker 3: of thin things. We literally kind of get so caught

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Speaker 3: up in all of these urgent disasters.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, or just need to watch Netflix. I'm sitting here

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Speaker 2: nursing and Netflix hangover right now. That's the truth of it.

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Speaker 2: We shouldn't have stayed up late last night watching that show,

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Speaker 2: and now I've got a headache for it. But I

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Speaker 2: was acting without intention. I wasn't keeping the main thing

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Speaker 2: the main thing, and that's the main thing watching Netflix. No,

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Speaker 2: keeping the main thing the main thing. That's the main thing,

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Speaker 2: is to keep the main thing the main thing. So

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Speaker 2: have intentional I actually know what the main thing is

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Speaker 2: and then live according to it. This is actually a

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Speaker 2: really great wake up call, and I think that we

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Speaker 2: do need to change the way we're doing some things

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Speaker 2: and the fact that I'm trying to do it all

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Speaker 2: so intention.

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Speaker 3: It's all about self control, right, It's all about discipline.

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Speaker 3: It's all about recognizing where you're headed and what you

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Speaker 3: need to do to get there. And that really leads

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Speaker 3: in nicely to point number two, which is to plan

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Speaker 3: our big rocks. You know, what are the things that

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Speaker 3: are most important for us to achieve, and they need

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Speaker 3: to go in first before we add in all the

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Speaker 3: extra stuff, like you know, I'm biding friends over for

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Speaker 3: dinner on Saturday.

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Speaker 2: Right, So, but get clear on your priorities. In other words,

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Speaker 2: if sleep, getting enough sleep is a priority. And I

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Speaker 2: can't emphasize this, enough sleep is not a luxury item.

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Speaker 2: As a parent, you don't we talked about this last Thursday.

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Speaker 3: But don't get enough sleep?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right, but it's not a luxury item. And

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Speaker 2: the good quality sleep that you need should not be

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Speaker 2: at the mercy of a Netflix series.

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Speaker 1: Watch Netflix on a.

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Speaker 2: Day where you actually do have the capacity in the

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Speaker 2: time to do it.

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Speaker 3: I think I'm putting this episode on repeat.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So.

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Speaker 2: Priority priorities, prioritize. Both of those woods combined tell us

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Speaker 2: that once we've got our intention set, we've actually got

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Speaker 2: to live it. What are our big rocks. What do

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Speaker 2: we put into the diary every single week? What do

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Speaker 2: we maintain so that our family functions? Well, this could

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Speaker 2: be instructive for anybody who's sort of feeling a bit

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Speaker 2: out of control.

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Speaker 3: Well, we have a family meeting every morning so that

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Speaker 3: we can help set our intention for the day. We

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Speaker 3: check the kids, we find out what needs to be done,

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Speaker 3: so we've got all of those I guess logistics planned

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Speaker 3: out throughout the day.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And we also spend time focused on a specific

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Speaker 2: value or a specific teaching or principle that we want

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Speaker 2: the children to have emphasized and to really encourage them

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Speaker 2: to live good lives.

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Speaker 3: And I think the other thing that's really important is

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Speaker 3: we're really intentional about sitting down to have dinner together

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Speaker 3: at the end of the day. So we start our

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Speaker 3: day together and we end our day together. As much

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Speaker 3: as it's possible. Now that we have teenage girls.

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Speaker 2: Who have social lives, we try and plan a date

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Speaker 2: night each week. We lock in super Saturday so that

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Speaker 2: the kids know early in the week this Saturday morning

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Speaker 2: for the two hours this low cost or no cost

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Speaker 2: activity where we're together as a family.

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Speaker 1: We've got that locked in.

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Speaker 2: I go for a run with a couple of the

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Speaker 2: kids on a couple of the mornings each week. We

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Speaker 2: lock in our exercise. So we actually make sure that

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Speaker 2: we put these big rocks in so that the daddy

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Speaker 2: daughter to dates happen, or the quality time between you

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Speaker 2: and I happen. That stuff has to happen and everything

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Speaker 2: else fits in around that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, one is learning to say no. And it's so

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Speaker 3: funny because our tiny little toddler's known the word no.

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Speaker 3: As we get older, we have a hard time saying no.

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Speaker 3: So if we're looking to create margin our lives, we

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Speaker 3: need to kind of, I guess, go through those filters

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Speaker 3: of what are our big rocks, what is our intention?

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Speaker 3: What's the things that are most important for us as

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Speaker 3: a family to flourish and grow together and happiness that's

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Speaker 3: our whole plan, right, we want a happy family. We

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Speaker 3: need to learn to be able to recognize when something

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Speaker 3: doesn't fit the mold and say no.

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Speaker 2: I feel like you've actually constructed this podcast to teach

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Speaker 2: me a lesson. I mean, I'm just saying so the

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Speaker 2: best way for you to get me to say no

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Speaker 2: is to actually put something in my diary so that

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Speaker 2: I have to say no. And you could put in

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Speaker 2: family time from this time to that time on a Saturday,

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Speaker 2: and all of a sudden, we know we can't have

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Speaker 2: friends over because we've got something in the diary.

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Speaker 3: Well, in your defense, I love having friends over, but

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Speaker 3: when we get to Saturday, I'm so tired.

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Speaker 2: I really like that though saying no means saying no

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Speaker 2: to Netflix, or it means saying no to whatever it

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Speaker 2: is that's not aligned with our priorities, not aligned with

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Speaker 2: our intention. Really really great tips and it came from you,

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Speaker 2: missus Happy Families.

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Speaker 1: Thank you.

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Speaker 3: You're welcome.

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Speaker 2: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love it if you'd

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Speaker 2: leave a rating and review wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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Speaker 2: We really appreciate the five star ratings and the reviews

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Speaker 2: that you sent through. They help other people to find

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Speaker 2: out about the podcast and make their family happier.

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Speaker 1: Justin Ruland is our producer.

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Speaker 2: We appreciate him and the great work that he does

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Speaker 2: from Bridge Media are and making the podcast sound great.

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Speaker 2: Our executive producer is Craig Bruce. If you'd like more

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Speaker 2: information about making your family happier, you can get it

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Speaker 2: at happy families dot com dot au