1
00:00:02,279 --> 00:00:04,640
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

2
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,440
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

3
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:09,760
Speaker 2: wants answers mew.

4
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:15,920
Speaker 1: Every Tuesday on the Happy Families Podcast, I answer your

5
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,599
Speaker 1: questions about how to make your relationships better, how to

6
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:22,640
Speaker 1: help your family to flourish, how to make your family happier. Hello,

7
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:25,000
Speaker 1: my name's doctor Justin Coulson. If you would like to

8
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:29,520
Speaker 1: submit a question Happy families dot com dot Au. Just

9
00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,240
Speaker 1: scroll down til you get to the podcast section, click

10
00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:35,239
Speaker 1: on the record button and leave us your message. I

11
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,720
Speaker 1: answer your questions every Tuesday on the pod. Easy to use.

12
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,160
Speaker 1: Just make sure you know what you're going to say

13
00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:43,240
Speaker 1: before you start talking. Happy Families dot com dot Au.

14
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:47,240
Speaker 1: Push the record button and ask your questions about making

15
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:51,000
Speaker 1: your family happier. Today on the podcast, kids who are

16
00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:56,720
Speaker 1: perfect model students at school and turn into hashtag demon

17
00:00:56,840 --> 00:01:00,760
Speaker 1: child at home. Up first though a question out Sneaky

18
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,400
Speaker 1: Teams with Tech.

19
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,320
Speaker 2: Hi, Justin and Kylie. This is Christina from the US.

20
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,119
Speaker 2: I was hoping you might be able to share tips

21
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:11,080
Speaker 2: on bedtimes and ending screen time for older kids. We

22
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:12,959
Speaker 2: allow our thirteen year old son to stay up till

23
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,520
Speaker 2: midnight and non school nights, but it's never enough. We

24
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,280
Speaker 2: tried locking apps on the phone, turning off the Wi Fi, etc.

25
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,959
Speaker 2: But he keeps sneaking around, finding ways to get back

26
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,600
Speaker 2: up and get back on. We've worked with him with

27
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:26,120
Speaker 2: the three e's, started with the most freedom and trust,

28
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,039
Speaker 2: but have had to be more and more restrictive because

29
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,759
Speaker 2: he just won't follow our family expectations. He says, our

30
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,120
Speaker 2: rules are arbitrary and pointless, and to be honest, I

31
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,520
Speaker 2: need to go to bed, so I can't stay up

32
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,080
Speaker 2: all night to make sure he is where he needs

33
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,479
Speaker 2: to be. Can you please help with how to enforce

34
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:40,080
Speaker 2: bedtimes with teens?

35
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,640
Speaker 1: Christina or I hear this and I just literally kind

36
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:47,280
Speaker 1: of go oh, so for frustrating a couple of things

37
00:01:47,319 --> 00:01:49,680
Speaker 1: on this number one. The United States seems to have

38
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:53,640
Speaker 1: a different culture around adolescents and bedtime than does Australia.

39
00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,960
Speaker 1: I think for the most part, like my family's not

40
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,280
Speaker 1: the only one that does this. Australia has more of

41
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,320
Speaker 1: an earlier to bed to rise kind of mentality. I

42
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:04,200
Speaker 1: know teenagers stay up a bit later, but in the US,

43
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,880
Speaker 1: my kids have a bunch of friends who are there.

44
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,080
Speaker 1: They've met them on camps that we've taken them to.

45
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:12,360
Speaker 1: Over the years, and it's not unusual for our kids

46
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,440
Speaker 1: to be messaging their United States friends and getting replies

47
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:19,600
Speaker 1: at two a m. Us time. Our kids don't have

48
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,960
Speaker 1: their phones in their bedroom, they don't have that facility,

49
00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:26,040
Speaker 1: but the United States friends are on their devices at

50
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:30,080
Speaker 1: all hours and it stuns me consistently. So you're working

51
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:33,600
Speaker 1: against inertia here in that you've got a culture where

52
00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:36,400
Speaker 1: all of your son's friends are allowed to do it,

53
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,600
Speaker 1: and he just doesn't see what the point is. The

54
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,000
Speaker 1: majority of teenagers, particularly the United States but also in Australia,

55
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:45,160
Speaker 1: brings some kind of technology into the bedroom which adds

56
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:48,079
Speaker 1: the enormous amount, the excessive amount of screen time that

57
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,880
Speaker 1: they get each day, and it affects a whole range

58
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:54,959
Speaker 1: of different areas in their lives. Experts are becoming increasingly

59
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,720
Speaker 1: concerned about the effects of the blue light from these

60
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:02,040
Speaker 1: electronic devices on the sleep wake cycle, and estimated two

61
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:05,520
Speaker 1: and three teenagers regularly sleep less than the recommended amount

62
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,680
Speaker 1: and screen time is almost certain to be responsible for

63
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:12,320
Speaker 1: sleep deprivation and other problems, and a recent literature review

64
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:15,680
Speaker 1: of studies investigating the link between youth screen media use

65
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:20,600
Speaker 1: and sleep, ninety percent of included studies found an association

66
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:25,480
Speaker 1: between screen media use and delayed bedtime and or decreased

67
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:30,200
Speaker 1: total sleep time. Proposed mechanisms include displacement of time that

68
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:34,040
Speaker 1: would have been spent sleeping, psychological stimulation and light exposure,

69
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:40,000
Speaker 1: and increased physiological alertness. This pervasive phenomenon, according to researchers

70
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:44,360
Speaker 1: of sleep loss, has widespread implications due to the associations

71
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,880
Speaker 1: between insufficient sleep, an increased risk of childhood ob city,

72
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:53,360
Speaker 1: disrupted psychological wellbeing, and impaired cognitive academic function. The research

73
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,000
Speaker 1: is there. The evidence is clear. You try and have

74
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,360
Speaker 1: that conversation with your thirteen year old son and he

75
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:02,840
Speaker 1: doesn't care. He just he doesn't. It's not important to him.

76
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:04,200
Speaker 1: He wants to be with his friends. He wants to

77
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,120
Speaker 1: be hanging out doing his own thing. You don't get it, mum.

78
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,840
Speaker 1: No matter what you say from his perspective, he doesn't

79
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:15,360
Speaker 1: have the insight to realize that he's wrong. And the

80
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:18,279
Speaker 1: more you try to convince him that he is wrong,

81
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,120
Speaker 1: the harder he'll push back, and the more convinced he'll

82
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,640
Speaker 1: be that he is right. Force creates resistance. So what

83
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:29,400
Speaker 1: do you do? Just before I share some ideas, just

84
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,520
Speaker 1: remember a friend of mine used to go and collect

85
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:34,559
Speaker 1: all of his devices around about eight forty five nine pm,

86
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,920
Speaker 1: and he was like, you guys can stay up and read,

87
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,560
Speaker 1: you can do homework, you can do whatever, but no

88
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,520
Speaker 1: more devices after nine o'clock. He put them into a box,

89
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,520
Speaker 1: kept it by his bedside. He woke up one morning

90
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:48,640
Speaker 1: two am. His son was commando crawling in the dark

91
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,480
Speaker 1: across the carpet so that he could get into his box,

92
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,320
Speaker 1: so that he could get his laptop out and his

93
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,640
Speaker 1: devices out, so that he could play games with his

94
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:59,680
Speaker 1: friends two in the morning. This is standard and unfortunately,

95
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:01,320
Speaker 1: the how do you push, the more you're up to

96
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,760
Speaker 1: the relationship. It's one of those impossible situations. All right,

97
00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:06,600
Speaker 1: let's have a look at this. Christina. You've said you've

98
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,120
Speaker 1: tried the three e's hasn't worked. You know what, Sometimes

99
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,360
Speaker 1: it doesn't. Sometimes you can sit down and explore all

100
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,400
Speaker 1: you like, explain all you want, and when you empower

101
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,520
Speaker 1: your kids, they say, well, I want to do what

102
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,560
Speaker 1: I want. You don't know what you're talking about, and

103
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,440
Speaker 1: it's like banging your head against a brick wall. Sometimes

104
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:23,479
Speaker 1: the three e'es just don't work. Did a podcast about

105
00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,279
Speaker 1: that A little while ago, it might be worth having

106
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,440
Speaker 1: a quick listen to that one so that you can

107
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,080
Speaker 1: find out what to do when the three'es don't work.

108
00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:32,640
Speaker 1: I still stand by this. They are your best bet.

109
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:38,720
Speaker 1: It's just that it's a long, long term effort. An

110
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,480
Speaker 1: alternative could be that you go in completely the opposite

111
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:45,080
Speaker 1: direction and have a no limits, free for all approach

112
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:48,560
Speaker 1: where you just say, no more rules around this. You

113
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:49,839
Speaker 1: go to bed when you want, you can be on

114
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,120
Speaker 1: screen when you want, but there are a handful of

115
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,360
Speaker 1: behavioral expectations. You must be up at this time every day.

116
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,680
Speaker 1: This is how we expect school to go. This is

117
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,640
Speaker 1: what we anticipate into relationships in the home, the way

118
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,880
Speaker 1: you treat us, the way you treat your siblings. That

119
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,479
Speaker 1: so long as you can convince us that you can

120
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,960
Speaker 1: make this work and it can function, we'll take the

121
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,960
Speaker 1: pressure off. Now I can't see this working. I really cannot,

122
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:14,960
Speaker 1: because if he stays up until two or three, he's

123
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,880
Speaker 1: not getting up at six or seven the next morning,

124
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,520
Speaker 1: so he can be on the ball and do the

125
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,719
Speaker 1: stuff he needs to do. But that is something that

126
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,880
Speaker 1: I have recommended to some parents from time to time,

127
00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:26,440
Speaker 1: and very very very infrequently they'll say, hey, it worked

128
00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:30,120
Speaker 1: more often than not even close, but sometimes you kind

129
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,679
Speaker 1: of just ah, where do you go again? I stand

130
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,480
Speaker 1: by the three's as being your best bet. Third suggestion

131
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,800
Speaker 1: is that you just stay on it. Why because in

132
00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:44,279
Speaker 1: real life, nobody has a one and done conversation about

133
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:49,560
Speaker 1: screens and bedtime with their teenagers. This is an ongoing cycle.

134
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:53,600
Speaker 1: It's an ongoing drama. It's just not something that there

135
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,359
Speaker 1: is a quick fix for. I wish that I was wrong.

136
00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,280
Speaker 1: I wish that there was a way through it. But

137
00:06:58,600 --> 00:06:59,760
Speaker 1: to me, the only way through it is to take

138
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,560
Speaker 1: the devices away, literally take the devices away, and they

139
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,560
Speaker 1: don't have access to them at all, full stop, end

140
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,800
Speaker 1: of story. I'm not sure how you feel about that,

141
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:10,800
Speaker 1: but that's that's kind of it. So let me wrap

142
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,920
Speaker 1: up by saying this, until legislation changes, this is going

143
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,280
Speaker 1: to be one of those things that falls on the

144
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,760
Speaker 1: shoulders of parents. It shouldn't be. There's now been in

145
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,560
Speaker 1: the United States, which is where all the laws are made,

146
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,480
Speaker 1: because this is where all the companies are based, and

147
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:24,440
Speaker 1: therefore they have to follow US law. In the United States,

148
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,160
Speaker 1: over the last twenty years or thereabout that, there have

149
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:29,080
Speaker 1: been forty congressional hearings where the CEOs of the tech

150
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,600
Speaker 1: companies have come in and been asked to account for

151
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,280
Speaker 1: what they're doing to protect the children and to support families.

152
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,440
Speaker 1: They've made up a whole lot of stuff and they're

153
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:42,000
Speaker 1: lying mendacious duplicit as. CEOs have literally continued to white

154
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,960
Speaker 1: ant your authority and your children's well being so that

155
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,640
Speaker 1: they can increase their market capitalization and the share price

156
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:53,720
Speaker 1: of their organizations. It's criminal what they're doing. It's absolutely appalling.

157
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:57,000
Speaker 1: I really fundamentally believe that these CEOs are responsible for

158
00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,000
Speaker 1: more suffering and more misery and more mental health chare

159
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:02,160
Speaker 1: is in our young people than anybody else in the

160
00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:06,120
Speaker 1: history of humanity. I just don't know what you can do.

161
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,320
Speaker 1: It's pretty much on you, and you've got to keep

162
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,320
Speaker 1: at it. And I really still think the three is

163
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:14,240
Speaker 1: your best bet. Joscelyn Brewer is an Australian tech and

164
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,680
Speaker 1: parenting or tech psychology expert. She's got this idea of

165
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:21,480
Speaker 1: digital nutrition. You can google Joscelyn Brewer digital nutrition and

166
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,640
Speaker 1: you'll find these three m's. She says, help your kids

167
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:29,960
Speaker 1: to use their tech mindfully, meaningfully and moderately. Again, that

168
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,960
Speaker 1: kind of fits really neatly with my three ease. If

169
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:35,280
Speaker 1: you can have a conversation where you're discussing that, I

170
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:38,120
Speaker 1: think that's going to be your best bet. But Christina,

171
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,120
Speaker 1: it's almost a knowin situation. It's something that you're going

172
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:50,280
Speaker 1: to have conversations about ongoingly. Good luck. Question number two

173
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:50,959
Speaker 1: from Kate.

174
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,880
Speaker 3: It's the end of the school year where I am

175
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,040
Speaker 3: and my five year old got a blowing school reports

176
00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:00,679
Speaker 3: birth with regards to her schoolwork and her and she's

177
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:04,720
Speaker 3: really polite and helpful. They actually called her a model student.

178
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,120
Speaker 3: I'm grateful and compute. At home, if I ask her

179
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,440
Speaker 3: to take her plate to the kitchen, she collapses into

180
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:14,520
Speaker 3: a heap in tears, screaming at me that it's not fair.

181
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,480
Speaker 3: I understand that it's normal for kids to be more

182
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,560
Speaker 3: well behaved as other people outside of their home, but

183
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,040
Speaker 3: I'm worried she's learned as we need to be perfect

184
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,599
Speaker 3: all the time for other people, and at home we

185
00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:28,640
Speaker 3: can behave dreadfully. How do I help her achieve a

186
00:09:28,679 --> 00:09:31,800
Speaker 3: more balanced way of feeling? Thanks so much for.

187
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:35,000
Speaker 1: Your insight, Oh Kate, this is a real tricky one,

188
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,400
Speaker 1: isn't it. We have these different environments and now children

189
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:40,400
Speaker 1: behave one way somewhere in another way another place. We

190
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,880
Speaker 1: find this really disconcerting. The reality is it's pretty normal.

191
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,160
Speaker 1: A lot of parents struggle with it. You're probably aware

192
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,440
Speaker 1: of that. I just want to talk about why, why

193
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,160
Speaker 1: is it that your children feel like they have to

194
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,040
Speaker 1: be perfect for other people, but they can completely let

195
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,480
Speaker 1: it go when they're at home. Let's look at the

196
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:59,080
Speaker 1: school environment. It's a very different place to the home environment.

197
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,240
Speaker 1: First of all, there's the so pull, like you look

198
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:02,600
Speaker 1: at what all the other kids are doing, and you

199
00:10:02,679 --> 00:10:05,160
Speaker 1: kind of just fall in line. As humans, we're ultrasocial

200
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,600
Speaker 1: and we are very heavily influenced by what happens around us.

201
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:12,440
Speaker 1: So there's just that happening in and of itself. Beyond that, though,

202
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,200
Speaker 1: there's a lot more punishments and rewards. There's a lot

203
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,880
Speaker 1: of structure in a school environment. Children understand the structure.

204
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:22,000
Speaker 1: The structure is pretty consistent, and they know what they

205
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,680
Speaker 1: need to do most of the time. Teachers don't have

206
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:29,360
Speaker 1: biological ties whereas you do, and so there's a difference

207
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,200
Speaker 1: in the relationship which probably allows those punishments and rewards

208
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,360
Speaker 1: to occur. I mean, I would say that there's a

209
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:39,080
Speaker 1: conditionality versus an unconditionality. And that's not to give to

210
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,640
Speaker 1: throw any shade at teachers. They're not related to your kids,

211
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,120
Speaker 1: and they're not supposed to treat them the same way

212
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,520
Speaker 1: that a parent would. But the unconditionality that children know

213
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:49,280
Speaker 1: that they have at home definitely changes their behavior there.

214
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,280
Speaker 1: The fourth thing that I would say is this, kids

215
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,880
Speaker 1: often find school to be a stressful environment because there

216
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,839
Speaker 1: is that social aspect, the behavioral aspect. They mask the

217
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,760
Speaker 1: camouflage or they suppress, especially if they'n you're a divergent,

218
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:06,200
Speaker 1: and so that's definitely going to change their behavior when

219
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,960
Speaker 1: they come home. They've been really pushing hard to hold

220
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,800
Speaker 1: it together all day. They get home and they feel

221
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,000
Speaker 1: like they can finally take the mask off, they can

222
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,160
Speaker 1: finally get out of the camouflage and just be themselves.

223
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:21,000
Speaker 1: The suppression no longer has to hold true. Now obviously,

224
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:25,800
Speaker 1: being well socialized requires it requires that you do fit

225
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:28,880
Speaker 1: in and that you do suppress. But when they get home,

226
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,800
Speaker 1: it certainly feels a lot more relaxing for them to

227
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,320
Speaker 1: be able to let it go a little bit and

228
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,080
Speaker 1: they feel safe at home. That's the fifth thing. They

229
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,800
Speaker 1: feel safe at home in a way that they can't

230
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:39,200
Speaker 1: in any other environment. Besides that, the sixth thing that

231
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,240
Speaker 1: I'll highlight is that I mean, I want to say

232
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,199
Speaker 1: this really gently because I know teachers are busy and

233
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:48,360
Speaker 1: the demands on teachers are enormous, But teachers fundamentally in

234
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,920
Speaker 1: front of the classroom are teaching. That's what their job is,

235
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,280
Speaker 1: and they're looking up for the classroom. They're managing things

236
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,959
Speaker 1: in the classroom, and they're focused on working with the

237
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,560
Speaker 1: kids to get a certain task done, Whereas at home

238
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,040
Speaker 1: there's usually a whole lot of other stuff going on.

239
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,800
Speaker 1: We're busy, our focus is in the kitchen and also

240
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,240
Speaker 1: trying to get the ironing done and racing out to

241
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,880
Speaker 1: hang out a lot of washing while the past is

242
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:10,480
Speaker 1: boiling on the stove, and we're trying to get the

243
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:12,360
Speaker 1: kids to do one or two things at the same time.

244
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,199
Speaker 1: And so there's a diluted or a different focus That

245
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,600
Speaker 1: may be a little unfair to teachers, but I think

246
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,160
Speaker 1: that most people would get where I'm coming from there.

247
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,560
Speaker 1: So what do we do about this? How do we

248
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,439
Speaker 1: help our childs to hold together in productive and adaptive

249
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:28,600
Speaker 1: ways at home, since clearly they can do it when

250
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,640
Speaker 1: they are at school. I'm going to share just three ideas.

251
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,760
Speaker 1: Number one. Number one, allow them time to decompress when

252
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,640
Speaker 1: they get home. So often, because our lives are so busy,

253
00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:40,960
Speaker 1: we bring them home and it is on from the gun,

254
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:42,520
Speaker 1: Like we walk in the door and they've got to

255
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,280
Speaker 1: get changed, they've got to drop their bag, they've got

256
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,520
Speaker 1: to get ready for their extracurricual activities. We've got to

257
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,320
Speaker 1: get the house in order, we've got to organize meals.

258
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,800
Speaker 1: There's stuff to do, and there's multiple children going in

259
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,680
Speaker 1: different directions. So I want to try to find a

260
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,400
Speaker 1: way that there can be some margin. When I talk

261
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,319
Speaker 1: about margin, what I'm describing is you know if you've

262
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,760
Speaker 1: ever had to print something and you're trying to get

263
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,360
Speaker 1: it onto one page and you have to keep on

264
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,800
Speaker 1: pushing those margins out, and now you've got this white

265
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,480
Speaker 1: a four sheet and the text goes from one side

266
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:11,800
Speaker 1: to the other and from the very top to the

267
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:15,480
Speaker 1: very bottom, and reading doesn't feel nice when there's no margin.

268
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:19,120
Speaker 1: It feels overwhelming, there's too much on the page. You

269
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,240
Speaker 1: need the margin to make the experience nice as you read.

270
00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:24,280
Speaker 1: And it's the same with life. We need a little

271
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,600
Speaker 1: bit of margin, so we can breed so that we're

272
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,640
Speaker 1: not overwhelmed. As part of that decompression, As part of

273
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:33,480
Speaker 1: that margin, I would recommend food that would be I

274
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,800
Speaker 1: guess the extension of my idea of decompressing and creating margin.

275
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,000
Speaker 1: When kids come home, they're often depleted. Sometimes they haven't

276
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,319
Speaker 1: eaten particularly well. Often they've thrown their lunch in the bin.

277
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,560
Speaker 1: You just don't know about it. And so by making

278
00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:47,000
Speaker 1: sure that they have some good food, they can restock

279
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,320
Speaker 1: on their glucose supply and they can kind of become

280
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:54,040
Speaker 1: human again. Second thing that I would recommend is this involvement.

281
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,240
Speaker 1: Often we send our children in one direction while we

282
00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:58,439
Speaker 1: go in another direction because there's so much to do.

283
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,199
Speaker 1: There's something really prefer found about saying, hey, why don't

284
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,280
Speaker 1: we do this together? Or would you come and help me?

285
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,800
Speaker 1: And then I'll come and help you. Just being involved,

286
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,680
Speaker 1: not even making it about chores, but just part of

287
00:14:08,679 --> 00:14:10,480
Speaker 1: the routine is we're doing this or we're doing that,

288
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,240
Speaker 1: and being involved. It can take the pressure off, and

289
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,000
Speaker 1: it can build the relationship, and it also facilitates the

290
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:19,040
Speaker 1: third idea that I've got, and that is allowed time

291
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:23,720
Speaker 1: for fun. Fun. Fun play is the work of childhood.

292
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,320
Speaker 1: And we keep on cramming childhood full of all this

293
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:30,120
Speaker 1: other stuff, so there isn't enough time for play. So

294
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:33,680
Speaker 1: I would really recommend just facilitating unstructured playtime where your

295
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,960
Speaker 1: child is not on a screen, but it's instead outside

296
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:41,240
Speaker 1: and being active and playing with friends in unstructured activities.

297
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:44,600
Speaker 1: It'll make such a difference and you'll find that behave

298
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,400
Speaker 1: you will improve when those things happen. I guess one

299
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,520
Speaker 1: other thing that I'd highlight is just maturity, right. I mean,

300
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,840
Speaker 1: we're talking about a little kiddo here who as they

301
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,200
Speaker 1: grow up, they will get it together and things will

302
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:59,440
Speaker 1: work out much nicer. Play and involvement and fun and

303
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:03,360
Speaker 1: food decompression time are going to be absolutely essential, Kate.

304
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,480
Speaker 1: I really hope that's helpful. I hope that gives you

305
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,000
Speaker 1: some answers to some things to think about. If you

306
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,040
Speaker 1: would like to submit your questions, I love answering them

307
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,360
Speaker 1: every Tuesday on the pod Just got to Happy Families

308
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,400
Speaker 1: dot com dot a. U use the easy to use button,

309
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,240
Speaker 1: just click it and start talking. Send your message through

310
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:21,440
Speaker 1: and we'll answer it on the podcast Happy Families dot

311
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,520
Speaker 1: com dot AU. The Happy Families podcast is produced by

312
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,400
Speaker 1: Justin Roland. From Bridge Media. More information about making your

313
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,480
Speaker 1: family happier is available at happy families dot com dot

314
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:30,800
Speaker 1: au