1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,200 Speaker 1: Having your heart right towards your child is probably the 2 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:10,160 Speaker 1: most important thing you can do when it comes to 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:14,200 Speaker 1: your parenting. Right up beside it, though, is how you communicate. 4 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:17,160 Speaker 1: And today we're going to share with you a couple 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,439 Speaker 1: of communication wins that we've been having in our family today. 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,040 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast. So good to have 7 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,120 Speaker 1: you along real parenting solutions every day. This is Australia's 8 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,880 Speaker 1: most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. 9 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,919 Speaker 1: Hun Just before we get into today's pod, got an 10 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,600 Speaker 1: email the other day from a fifteen year old who said, 11 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,920 Speaker 1: don't mention my name, don't tell anyone even what state 12 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:42,319 Speaker 1: I'm from, but he really wanted me to know some 13 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,760 Speaker 1: stuff about how the work that we're doing is impacting 14 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:49,519 Speaker 1: not just parents, but teenagers. You ready for this, Okay? 15 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:52,080 Speaker 1: I almost intrigue. I almost told you what this teenager's 16 00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:54,760 Speaker 1: name was, but I'm just going to read the email. 17 00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:58,160 Speaker 1: I'm a fifteen year old and I totally agree with 18 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:01,520 Speaker 1: what you're saying about social media. I've had apps like 19 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,440 Speaker 1: Snapchat and Instagram for two years and honestly I regret it. 20 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 1: How often do you hear fifteen year old say that 21 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,600 Speaker 1: they regret their screen usage. You know what a more 22 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,319 Speaker 1: interesting conversation is, how often do you hear fifteen year 23 00:01:11,319 --> 00:01:13,760 Speaker 1: olds or anyone say I'm really glad I've got this. 24 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,319 Speaker 1: It's making a positive difference in my life. Anyway, this 25 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:20,640 Speaker 1: person says, I regret it. It's addictive, waste time. I 26 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:23,280 Speaker 1: dropped grades in school because of social media and it's 27 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,840 Speaker 1: messed with mental health. One of my mates wasn't meant 28 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,520 Speaker 1: to get Instagram until sixteen, but he just installed it anyway, 29 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,560 Speaker 1: shows how easy it is for teams to ignore their 30 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:33,360 Speaker 1: parents and get sucked in. I found I got Instagram 31 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:35,119 Speaker 1: due to feeling like I was missing out with all 32 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,640 Speaker 1: my mates having it. Giving you kids social media is 33 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,720 Speaker 1: like handing them a weapon. It's also killing real life confidence. 34 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,399 Speaker 1: I've lost confidence talking to girls in a normal conversation. 35 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:46,440 Speaker 1: Like It's like I have social anxiety and another one 36 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,400 Speaker 1: hundred percent I don't have it as I'm a really 37 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:51,240 Speaker 1: confident person who's very popular at school. And because of 38 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:53,880 Speaker 1: all the fake stuff online, especially from guys like Andrew Tate, 39 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,320 Speaker 1: I've lost a lot of confidence. But I've started turning 40 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,680 Speaker 1: things around. People like David Goggins helped me focus and 41 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:02,320 Speaker 1: build discipline. Thanks for your time. Please don't say where 42 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,040 Speaker 1: I'm from or my name. Really appreciate what you do. 43 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,840 Speaker 1: Cheers and Kylie. I just thought it's worth sharing it 44 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 1: because sometimes as parents we feel like we are banging 45 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,559 Speaker 1: our head against the wall, especially with teens and social media, 46 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,800 Speaker 1: and then you get a fifteen year old who sends 47 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:18,720 Speaker 1: an email like that. 48 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,600 Speaker 2: If only more of them were like that. 49 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, we've had this experiment in our home for the 50 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 1: last three weeks with our fifteen year old. And the 51 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,800 Speaker 1: other day she accidentally slipped up and said that not 52 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,440 Speaker 1: having a phone for the last few weeks has been 53 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,200 Speaker 1: one of the best things that's happened to her. Did 54 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,360 Speaker 1: she She kind of didn't mean to say. She was 55 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,800 Speaker 1: talking to her sisters and it just kind of came 56 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:40,480 Speaker 1: out of her mouth. And then she looked at me 57 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:42,200 Speaker 1: and went, oh oh. I put a hand over her 58 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,919 Speaker 1: mouth and said, I didn't really mean it like that. 59 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:48,280 Speaker 1: I must really think. I think I heard something really 60 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:48,799 Speaker 1: cool there. 61 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:50,200 Speaker 2: That's awesome. 62 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:53,359 Speaker 1: All right, I'll do better tomorrow. This is where we 63 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,160 Speaker 1: have a look at what's happened in the last week. 64 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,600 Speaker 1: We talk about what's working and what's not working. I've 65 00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 1: got a big success story today. What about you? 66 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:01,680 Speaker 2: I think I'm going to chalk my one up to 67 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:02,519 Speaker 2: success too. 68 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:05,520 Speaker 1: Okay, well, your first, ladies, four gents, off you go. 69 00:03:05,639 --> 00:03:06,639 Speaker 2: Oh you're so kind. Well. 70 00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:08,800 Speaker 1: I read an article the other day on one of 71 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,760 Speaker 1: those news websites, and they were making the argument that 72 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:12,800 Speaker 1: chivalry has died. 73 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,240 Speaker 2: Chivalry has died. 74 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:15,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean some people are saying that chivalry was 75 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:18,560 Speaker 1: just sort of some benevolent sexism or whatever. I don't care. 76 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,680 Speaker 1: You go first, thank you, You're welcome. Let's sear the story. 77 00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:26,959 Speaker 2: So the other day I had a consult with Emily's 78 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:30,040 Speaker 2: OT and we were talking about some of the challenges 79 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:32,840 Speaker 2: we've been experienced, I think over the last little while, 80 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 2: especially within the homeschooling space, and trying to work out 81 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,560 Speaker 2: how I can be more supportive of her. 82 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,320 Speaker 1: We're highlighting for those who are knew to the pod, 83 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:43,240 Speaker 1: Emily is our youngest. She is eleven and being homeschool. 84 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:47,480 Speaker 2: And what frustrates me more times than not when we 85 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:51,560 Speaker 2: engage with professionals is that more times than not, they 86 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:55,520 Speaker 2: actually don't share anything new, but they bring to the 87 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:59,280 Speaker 2: forefront things that we already know. Yeah, and it feels 88 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,280 Speaker 2: frustrating because you're spending this money so that somebody can 89 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,680 Speaker 2: tell you something that you already know. 90 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,160 Speaker 1: I just want the pill, I want the secret sauce. 91 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,040 Speaker 1: I want the silver bullet. 92 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,280 Speaker 2: And as we were talking, we were discussing bedtime because 93 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:15,280 Speaker 2: this has been a really, really big struggle with Emily. 94 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 2: She is such an engaged kid and absolutely loves working 95 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:26,800 Speaker 2: on different little projects that bedtime seems like such a 96 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:31,040 Speaker 2: bane in her existence. She just doesn't have a desire 97 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,800 Speaker 2: to go to bed. She doesn't and she doesn't show 98 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,720 Speaker 2: any signs of being tired or frustrated until you ask 99 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:38,600 Speaker 2: her to go to bed. 100 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, so she's not playing up, she's not being rambunctious 101 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,919 Speaker 1: or obnoxious. She's not doing anything wrong. She's just reading 102 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:47,440 Speaker 1: or doing lego or painting, or she's been creative and productive, 103 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,960 Speaker 1: like she's always doing a good thing. When you say, hey, kid, 104 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:53,200 Speaker 1: time for bed, it's getting late, and it's just. 105 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,560 Speaker 2: It causes friction. Not all the time, but from time 106 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,360 Speaker 2: to time it causes significant friction. 107 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,359 Speaker 1: There are a couple of things that make it. I 108 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,720 Speaker 1: know I'm interrupting, but it's worth highlighting why this is 109 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,760 Speaker 1: such a challenge Number one, I travel a lot, so 110 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:09,760 Speaker 1: your capacity to be fully available is reduced because I'm 111 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:13,000 Speaker 1: often not home, and so there's inconsistency and routine. Number two. 112 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,680 Speaker 1: She's the youngest of six girls, so all of her 113 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,640 Speaker 1: sisters are in their mid to late teens and beyond, 114 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,360 Speaker 1: and they're all staying up way later than she's supposed 115 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,120 Speaker 1: to stay up as an eleven year old, so it's 116 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,200 Speaker 1: really easy for her to just sort of hang out 117 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:27,440 Speaker 1: with everybody else and. 118 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,520 Speaker 2: Well, and there's almost five years between her and her 119 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,960 Speaker 2: next sister, so she in a half years. She's young 120 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,960 Speaker 2: by a long stretch, and so she's watching what everyone 121 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,160 Speaker 2: else is able to do, and she just doesn't understand 122 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:39,800 Speaker 2: why she can't be a part of it. Not that 123 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:41,120 Speaker 2: she wants to be a part of what they're doing, 124 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,279 Speaker 2: she just wants to continue doing what she's doing. And 125 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 2: if they're allowed to do it, why can't I? 126 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:45,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, I want to be up. 127 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,120 Speaker 2: She has a real thing with social justice, and right 128 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,080 Speaker 2: now she doesn't feel like it's it's in her best 129 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,360 Speaker 2: interest to go to bed when everyone else gets to 130 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:58,080 Speaker 2: have an extra few hours of time, two hours to 131 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,480 Speaker 2: work with the things that they love. But as we talked. 132 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,080 Speaker 2: It just occurred to me, and it wasn't so much 133 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,080 Speaker 2: that she told me. It was that as we discussed 134 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:10,320 Speaker 2: it and just talked through things, she actually said when 135 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,719 Speaker 2: she was younger, what worked with Emily. And I thought 136 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,080 Speaker 2: about it, and I thought about our circumstances, which were 137 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,240 Speaker 2: very different to what we're dealing with now, and I said, well, 138 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,200 Speaker 2: we'd usually did in the lights. I'd put some oils 139 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:25,919 Speaker 2: on her, the diffusial would come out, we'd sing some songs, 140 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,080 Speaker 2: we'd read some stories. Obviously there was a bath in there, 141 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:30,919 Speaker 2: like all of the things, a. 142 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,240 Speaker 1: Bit a soft music or a song together or whatever. 143 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 2: And as I said that, it was like, oh, yeah, 144 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 2: we don't do any of that anymore, Like literally, we 145 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:43,159 Speaker 2: don't do any of that at all. And part of 146 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,920 Speaker 2: that is because the house is a busy house. There 147 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,120 Speaker 2: were there are so many moving parts all the time, 148 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 2: and she kind of just gets dragged along with it all, 149 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,320 Speaker 2: which she's really happy to be dragged along. But as 150 00:06:56,839 --> 00:06:59,200 Speaker 2: we continued the discussion, I just thought, you know what, 151 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,960 Speaker 2: I probably need to refocus on what a structured bedtime 152 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,840 Speaker 2: would look like for her to help her through this process. 153 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,280 Speaker 2: And so a few days later I sat down with 154 00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:12,760 Speaker 2: Emily and we had a conversation and I explained to 155 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 2: her that i'd been speaking with her OT and we'd 156 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 2: had a conversation about some of the struggles we were 157 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,440 Speaker 2: having at home, and one of them was bedtime. And 158 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:22,840 Speaker 2: I said, how do you feel about bedtime? And she said, 159 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,400 Speaker 2: I just think it's really unnecessary. 160 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,320 Speaker 1: Bedtime is unnecessary. 161 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,840 Speaker 2: I said, yeah, you really don't like going to bed, 162 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,400 Speaker 2: do you? And she said, no, Mum, I'm not tired. 163 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,480 Speaker 2: She's like, I'm not tired. And I'm like, yeah, I know. 164 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 2: You could read. Like put a book in front of 165 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 2: me and I'll read for about I don't know, half 166 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:47,160 Speaker 2: a page and I'm gone. She can read pages like chapters, 167 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 2: just keeps going. So, as we talked about things, I said, 168 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:51,760 Speaker 2: do you remember some of the things we used to 169 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,680 Speaker 2: do when you were little? And so she listed them 170 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,000 Speaker 2: all of them and she said, oh, yeah, I really 171 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:59,080 Speaker 2: liked it when we did that. And so I said 172 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 2: to her, do you think maybe we could have a 173 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,880 Speaker 2: discussion around what bed time would look like? What time 174 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,520 Speaker 2: do you think you should go to bed? This is 175 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,200 Speaker 2: gonna blow you right. 176 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:08,520 Speaker 1: What did she say? 177 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,520 Speaker 2: She told me that she should be lights out and 178 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,440 Speaker 2: asleep by eight thirty. 179 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,920 Speaker 1: That's I mean, that's perfectly reasonable. But if you'd tell 180 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:20,920 Speaker 1: her that at eight thirty, yes, it's World War three. 181 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,120 Speaker 2: I looked at her and I was like, you think 182 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,000 Speaker 2: that's that's a really fair time to go to bed, 183 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,040 Speaker 2: and she said, yeah, it is, but once I'm twelve, 184 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:28,120 Speaker 2: it needs to go to nine. 185 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,440 Speaker 1: All right, okay, all right? 186 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,440 Speaker 2: And I said, okay, so if eight point thirty is 187 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,720 Speaker 2: lights out, what other things do you like to do 188 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,800 Speaker 2: before you go to bed? And there was an acknowledgment 189 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,080 Speaker 2: she loves to read, and so I said, okay, so 190 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,640 Speaker 2: if you're going to read, you usually would love to 191 00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:44,920 Speaker 2: have a good half an hour, so you actually need 192 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:48,680 Speaker 2: to be in bed by eight o'clock. And I said, 193 00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 2: but to get to that point, what do we need 194 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,680 Speaker 2: to do? And so she listed a few things that 195 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:54,760 Speaker 2: she needed to do, and so we talked through it. 196 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:59,840 Speaker 2: By the end of it, we had number one total compliant. 197 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:01,839 Speaker 2: She was one hundred percent. 198 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:04,920 Speaker 1: I would go beyond that. This is not about compliance. 199 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:08,439 Speaker 1: This is about commitment. You've moved from compulsion in compliance 200 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 1: to commitment to compliance. 201 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,880 Speaker 2: Even down to we do all in after dinner. 202 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,400 Speaker 1: So for those of you who have missed the memo. 203 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:16,640 Speaker 1: All In is we finished dinner and everyone comes into 204 00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:19,840 Speaker 1: the kitchen and we're all in the kitchen tidying things 205 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,600 Speaker 1: up and resetting the house for the morning. 206 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,440 Speaker 2: And so I just said, in relation to all in, 207 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 2: what job would you like to do? I said, do 208 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:28,480 Speaker 2: you want to pack away the table? And she said no, 209 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:30,040 Speaker 2: because I've done that in the past and it's a 210 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,200 Speaker 2: really quick job. And then everyone gets me in trouble 211 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,800 Speaker 2: because they're still doing work and I don't have to. 212 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,200 Speaker 2: She said, can I put the dishes away? 213 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,640 Speaker 1: The dish dryers are going to be so happy about that, 214 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 1: because they always complain about having to dry and put away. 215 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,280 Speaker 1: I don't understand why it's such a big deal. Why 216 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,040 Speaker 1: is that such a big deal? Like, if it's already 217 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:48,680 Speaker 1: in your hand, take two steps to the cupboard and 218 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:50,440 Speaker 1: put it in the cupboard. No, I just want to 219 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,079 Speaker 1: put on the bench, like seriously. 220 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,040 Speaker 2: So another thing she really hates is having a bath 221 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,160 Speaker 2: every night. She hates it. I said, you know what 222 00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,080 Speaker 2: I said, Actually I'm thinking about it. I brought that 223 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,760 Speaker 2: lavender bubble b stuff. I think that that would be 224 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:05,280 Speaker 2: a really good way to signal to your body that 225 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,079 Speaker 2: it's time to slow down. How do you feel about 226 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:11,079 Speaker 2: having a bath every night? And she went, yeah, that 227 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:15,360 Speaker 2: sounds really good. So we are yet to actually put 228 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,079 Speaker 2: this into action. 229 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, we've had a busy time since you had the conversation, 230 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:19,720 Speaker 1: but tonight. 231 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,200 Speaker 2: Tonight's the night, and I'm actually really excited about it. 232 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:26,000 Speaker 2: We even talked about no TV after dinner and she's 233 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:29,600 Speaker 2: like totally on board. I can't tell you how big 234 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:33,080 Speaker 2: of a deal this conversation was and how amazing it was. 235 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 1: So success comes from the three e's explore explain in power, 236 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:41,160 Speaker 1: You've developed a structure by providing a rational for white 237 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,920 Speaker 1: matters and then getting her buy in, getting her commitment, 238 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:49,640 Speaker 1: getting her contribution towards making evenings work. It's a win. 239 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:50,880 Speaker 1: It's a win all the way round. 240 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:52,679 Speaker 2: There is one cave here. 241 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:53,280 Speaker 1: Yeah. 242 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 2: I promised her that Thursdays was actually a night off 243 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,880 Speaker 2: from the routine and structure. And I have a class 244 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,120 Speaker 2: that we teach, so we're not here and she usually 245 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,960 Speaker 2: gets to watch the TV while we're gone, and I 246 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,640 Speaker 2: said that that was okay. 247 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:11,280 Speaker 1: Thursdays is a play, play as much as you want night. 248 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, she has one night. 249 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,679 Speaker 1: Well, that probably makes it feel really good about life 250 00:11:14,679 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 1: as well. Yeah, okay, after the break the big win 251 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,880 Speaker 1: that I've had in a conversation with our. 252 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:29,720 Speaker 3: Kids, Colie, I didn't ask you, what is the central 253 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,840 Speaker 3: take home message from your big win with Emily in 254 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:36,440 Speaker 3: terms of putting together an evening structure to get nighttimes working. 255 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:41,440 Speaker 2: It seems ridiculously simple, and it seems like it's literally 256 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:46,560 Speaker 2: what we come back to every time. But the three e's, Explore, Explain, 257 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:50,720 Speaker 2: empower are the answer to nearly every challenge that we 258 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,920 Speaker 2: have with our kids, literally. 259 00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:54,360 Speaker 1: Of effective discipline, hence the name. 260 00:11:54,880 --> 00:12:00,560 Speaker 2: It is just so profoundly simple when we get the 261 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:04,400 Speaker 2: timing right and when we have emotions in check. Okay, 262 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,679 Speaker 2: if I had have tried to have that conversation with 263 00:12:06,679 --> 00:12:08,720 Speaker 2: her at night time when we're trying to put her 264 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,400 Speaker 2: to bed, it would have been a disaster. But I 265 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,000 Speaker 2: picked at the right time to sit down with her, explore, explain, 266 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:18,320 Speaker 2: and empower. And I'm really looking forward to next week's 267 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,480 Speaker 2: I'll do bead tomorrow because we're going to have a 268 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:20,920 Speaker 2: great week. 269 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,560 Speaker 1: I hope that it works. I just want to emphasize 270 00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:26,960 Speaker 1: how important is that when kids understand the rationale, things 271 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,160 Speaker 1: go so much better. Okay, let's move on to my 272 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,480 Speaker 1: older better tomorrow. I'm going to make my one fairly quick. 273 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,280 Speaker 1: We have made quite a big deal on this podcast, 274 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,040 Speaker 1: and I make a deal on parental guidance. I can't 275 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:41,760 Speaker 1: say much, but I do emphasize that in our family, 276 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,520 Speaker 1: on the first Sunday of every month, we sit down 277 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 1: with the kids. We have tough talks. We talk about tricky, 278 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:49,440 Speaker 1: tricky and sticky situations and what our children can do 279 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:53,120 Speaker 1: to be safe and healthy and make wise choices. We've 280 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,600 Speaker 1: realized that once a month isn't enough. We have a 281 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,280 Speaker 1: lot of kids, there's a lot of challenges, there's a 282 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,280 Speaker 1: lot going on, and so what we've done is we've 283 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,559 Speaker 1: decided that we're going to every week. So for the 284 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,959 Speaker 1: last few weeks on Sundays, we sit down with the 285 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:07,160 Speaker 1: kids for well. We promise them that if they will 286 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:10,520 Speaker 1: contribute and participate and keep it tight and focus, that 287 00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:12,960 Speaker 1: will be done in what fifteen or twenty minutes. That's 288 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:19,880 Speaker 1: the promise. I'm laughing. I'm laughing because not at you, No, because. 289 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 2: We can't keep it tight and it's. 290 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,040 Speaker 1: Not our fault. No, they can't stay focused. But here's 291 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:24,920 Speaker 1: the it's not even that. 292 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 2: They can't stay focused. What they actually love is the 293 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,400 Speaker 2: banter that results from this time together. Yeah, and it's 294 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:34,840 Speaker 2: really frustrating because you want to get to the point. 295 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:36,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, let's get this done. We said twenty minutes, you're 296 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:37,440 Speaker 1: going to complain. 297 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,520 Speaker 2: But it's also really nice, totally to have them sit 298 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,120 Speaker 2: there and just be grateful for the time that we 299 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 2: have together. 300 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,080 Speaker 1: And so a lot of parents will say to me, 301 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:46,800 Speaker 1: I don't know how you get to sit my kids. 302 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:47,920 Speaker 1: If I say we're going to sit down and have 303 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,000 Speaker 1: a tricky talk, they won't even show up. And what 304 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,080 Speaker 1: you're going to do is you've got to give them 305 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,680 Speaker 1: good experiences. You've got to make this work for them. 306 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,120 Speaker 1: And so we absolutely play on the fact that it's 307 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,640 Speaker 1: only going to be ten or twenty minutes if the 308 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:02,040 Speaker 1: kids play along, and whenever they talk for too long, like, well, 309 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,000 Speaker 1: you were the one that made it go for too long, 310 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:07,560 Speaker 1: not us. But they are actually enjoying it. So a 311 00:14:07,559 --> 00:14:09,559 Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago, I made a big deal here 312 00:14:09,559 --> 00:14:11,600 Speaker 1: on the podcast about how we talked about emotions and 313 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:15,720 Speaker 1: how emotions work. Last week we talked about turning towards 314 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,920 Speaker 1: one another rather than turning against and turning away from 315 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,920 Speaker 1: one another. This week just gone as a result of 316 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,600 Speaker 1: a I would say, a negative experience that one of 317 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:27,360 Speaker 1: our daughters had with a guy who could not seem 318 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:31,920 Speaker 1: to understand what no meant and provided a whole lot 319 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,080 Speaker 1: of unwonted attention. That there was nothing catastrophic that occurred, 320 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:39,000 Speaker 1: he just provided. He just would not stop putting pressure 321 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:42,520 Speaker 1: on our daughter because he has a crush on her, 322 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 1: and he's clumsy and doesn't understand that no actually means no. 323 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,600 Speaker 1: So we decided that we would have a consent conversation. 324 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,960 Speaker 1: You can go to consent dot gov. Dou I'm an 325 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,120 Speaker 1: ambassador for the Consent Can't Wait campaign the federal government's running, 326 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,920 Speaker 1: and you can get a whole lot of resources from that. 327 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 1: In this instance, rather than using the resources, we just 328 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,520 Speaker 1: had a fairly informal chat and I said to the girls, 329 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 1: based on the experience of one of your sisters. They 330 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,120 Speaker 1: all knew what the experience was and what had happened 331 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 1: because we talked about it previously. They'd all sort of 332 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,800 Speaker 1: shared their ideas about it. I said, let's talk about 333 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,800 Speaker 1: the different ways that things can go wrong here. And 334 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,800 Speaker 1: I just said, you shout out what you can think 335 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:20,160 Speaker 1: of they said unwanted attention. They said, how do you 336 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:26,520 Speaker 1: respond to pressure? I said, what do you owe somebody 337 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:30,000 Speaker 1: when you go out with them? We talked about you 338 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 1: brought up the importance of letting guys take the lead, 339 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,600 Speaker 1: and then one of the girls said, what are the 340 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,480 Speaker 1: signs of interest in? What are the red flags? And 341 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,040 Speaker 1: we just had, oh my goodness, the best conversation about 342 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:45,920 Speaker 1: consent and dating and boys and relationships. It was just 343 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,560 Speaker 1: so delightful. On unwanted attention. I said, well, what kind 344 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,600 Speaker 1: of unwanted attention have you experienced or do your friends 345 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:57,200 Speaker 1: talk about? And they said, physical touch, invading personal space, 346 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:02,280 Speaker 1: getting spammed like just one one of them said when 347 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,920 Speaker 1: people send root and inappropriate messages. One of them talked 348 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,360 Speaker 1: about the male gaze being stared at, checked out. There 349 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:13,720 Speaker 1: was harassing friends, there was ignoring requests for space, pressuring, 350 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:17,320 Speaker 1: emotional manipulation. Like I'm sitting there going we're raising these 351 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,320 Speaker 1: girls in a world where boys all too often don't 352 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,480 Speaker 1: get it. If we had sons, I'd be reading this listen, 353 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,080 Speaker 1: I'd be saying, mate, what are you going to do 354 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 1: about this? If a girl says she doesn't want your attention, 355 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,440 Speaker 1: you need to actually honor that. You've got to respect that, 356 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,720 Speaker 1: and she may actually want your attention more because you've 357 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,520 Speaker 1: shown her that you know how to honor what she 358 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,680 Speaker 1: asks for. Anyway, we talked all about all of those 359 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:40,160 Speaker 1: things in terms of responding to pressure. Got a great 360 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:44,000 Speaker 1: discussion about how boys generally tend to be the accelerated 361 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,920 Speaker 1: girls are typically the break and we talked about how 362 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,480 Speaker 1: that works and why, rightly or wrongly. I know a 363 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:50,920 Speaker 1: lot of people will hear that and be really quite 364 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,840 Speaker 1: upset and put out by it, but it's the reality 365 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,880 Speaker 1: is what's going on. I brought up the idea that 366 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,000 Speaker 1: if you go on a date with a guy, you 367 00:16:58,120 --> 00:16:59,960 Speaker 1: need to be really clear that you do not owe 368 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,760 Speaker 1: him anything. You don't owe him a handhold or a hug, 369 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:08,400 Speaker 1: a kiss, nothing like that. And that's just vitally important 370 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:12,639 Speaker 1: that girls know they don't owe a guy anything just 371 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,840 Speaker 1: because they're on a date. You talked about letting boys 372 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,040 Speaker 1: take the lead, which I thought was kind of funny 373 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,639 Speaker 1: because I'm the guy, and yet I'm really happy to 374 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,359 Speaker 1: chime in and say, guys actually want to chase. If 375 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,080 Speaker 1: it's too easy for a guy he is not that interested, 376 00:17:26,119 --> 00:17:27,760 Speaker 1: like there has to be some kind of chase and 377 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:29,880 Speaker 1: he's got to be taking the lead. And we got 378 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,120 Speaker 1: to talk about those signs of interest and the red flags. 379 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,919 Speaker 1: It was just so inspiring. It was such a great conversation. 380 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,120 Speaker 1: I just want to emphasize, if you've got kids, start 381 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,199 Speaker 1: these conversations early. I can't believe I just said, if 382 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,720 Speaker 1: you've got kids. Of course you've got kids, you listen 383 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:44,640 Speaker 1: to the podcast seriously, start the conversations early, have them 384 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 1: often first Sunday of them, the first time of the 385 00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:49,360 Speaker 1: month might be enough. We've discovered that it's not enough. 386 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,879 Speaker 1: We've got so much. We've got so much that we 387 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:55,399 Speaker 1: want to explicitly teach our children that they're not just 388 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:58,280 Speaker 1: going to absorb from the ether or from hanging around us. 389 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,560 Speaker 1: I'm a professional speaker, and it's to me that I 390 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,560 Speaker 1: give other people better content than I give my own kids. 391 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,679 Speaker 1: And that's got to change. And so by doing this 392 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,800 Speaker 1: every Sunday, the kids seem to be really enjoying it. 393 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,520 Speaker 1: We're enjoying it. And the conversation is how long do 394 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,480 Speaker 1: you reckon? That one went hour and twenty Yeah, it 395 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:16,560 Speaker 1: was nearly ninety minutes. 396 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:20,040 Speaker 2: You know what I loved about that conversation. When you 397 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,200 Speaker 2: think about the content of what we were talking about, 398 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:27,600 Speaker 2: it would be very easy to suggest that an eleven 399 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,159 Speaker 2: year old doesn't need to be a part of that, 400 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:33,439 Speaker 2: that it's completely irrelevant to her, and that it's going 401 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:37,800 Speaker 2: to go over ahead. But number one, not only did 402 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:42,760 Speaker 2: our eleven year old stay involved in the conversation, she 403 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,600 Speaker 2: actually provided quite a lot of comic relief as we 404 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:46,040 Speaker 2: went through. 405 00:18:46,119 --> 00:18:47,119 Speaker 1: She said some funny stuff. 406 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 2: She wanted to be involved, and she had an answer 407 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:55,080 Speaker 2: to a lot of the questions. And while they were 408 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,879 Speaker 2: an eleven year old's viewpoint, they were appropriate. 409 00:18:58,880 --> 00:18:59,960 Speaker 1: For an eleven year old, it was great. 410 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:04,360 Speaker 2: They were appropriate. That's right. But secondly, it means now 411 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 2: that as she does move into that space where that 412 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,240 Speaker 2: becomes an issue. 413 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 1: In seventeen years. 414 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:16,440 Speaker 2: She's comfortable having these conversations because we're having them regularly. Right, 415 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,040 Speaker 2: This isn't something that we kind of you know, we 416 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,480 Speaker 2: end up with a child who has a bad experience 417 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,520 Speaker 2: when we go actually we probably should have this conversation 418 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,639 Speaker 2: with you. This is about pre arming them so that 419 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:30,840 Speaker 2: they don't find themselves in that position, and if they do, 420 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,680 Speaker 2: they're empowered to know how to get. 421 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,280 Speaker 1: Out and come and talk to us about it as well. 422 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:35,840 Speaker 1: So we had an eleven year old, a fifteen year old, 423 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:40,160 Speaker 1: a seveneen year old, a twenty two year old, and 424 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,320 Speaker 1: a friend as well just happened to be here. 425 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,560 Speaker 2: Well, she's been to a few and she actually loves them. 426 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,320 Speaker 2: That's her plan. She wants to be there every week. 427 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,520 Speaker 1: She's been the last couple and she's like, I just 428 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,080 Speaker 1: want to keep on coming to these chats. I love 429 00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:53,840 Speaker 1: them how much. 430 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,560 Speaker 2: Fun Well, and the great thing about that is just 431 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,240 Speaker 2: the acknowledgment for her, She's never had that. She hasn't 432 00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,960 Speaker 2: been in a home where her parents have sat down 433 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,919 Speaker 2: have that conversation with her. And so while it's in 434 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:07,200 Speaker 2: some ways null and void, it, she's past those experiences. 435 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,720 Speaker 2: She's loving the fact that she's watching this unfold in 436 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,040 Speaker 2: our home and just enjoying being a part of it. 437 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:15,600 Speaker 1: We need to wrap this up. We've talked for way 438 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,920 Speaker 1: too long. A quick remind A Parental Guidance kicks off 439 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,800 Speaker 1: on Monday night, Channel nine and nine, now seven thirty. 440 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,280 Speaker 2: I'm stocked up on popcorn. 441 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:25,960 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, We're going to have a bunch of people 442 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,760 Speaker 1: around to our place for a parental Guidance part. Hey, 443 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,960 Speaker 1: I can't believe I said it like that. Oh my goodness, 444 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,800 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. We really hope you have a great weekend. 445 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,760 Speaker 1: The take our message from all of this is really 446 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,840 Speaker 1: just if you talk to your kids, you have great 447 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,000 Speaker 1: conversations if you can just make the effort be intentional 448 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,280 Speaker 1: about it, sit down and talk to your kids. The 449 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,760 Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. 450 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,400 Speaker 1: We get all of our admin and research support from 451 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,800 Speaker 1: Mim Hammond's. If you think that your family might be 452 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,879 Speaker 1: happier because of this podcast episode, we'd love for you 453 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,040 Speaker 1: to share it because it'll probably make other families happier 454 00:20:58,080 --> 00:20:59,439 Speaker 1: as well. Think of a friend that you could just 455 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,560 Speaker 1: flick this one through to click a couple of buttons. 456 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:05,040 Speaker 1: It'll take ten or twenty seconds, pass along and help 457 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:08,520 Speaker 1: other families to be inspired and find joy and happiness 458 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,960 Speaker 1: and flourish. If you like more information and more resources 459 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,040 Speaker 1: about making your family happier, you'll find all of it 460 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:14,560 Speaker 1: at Happy families dot com dot a