1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,080
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

2
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,119
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

3
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,880
Speaker 2: Now, lower your expectations. Like they're kids. You don't know

4
00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:15,960
Speaker 2: how to regulate their behaviors. They don't know how to

5
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,560
Speaker 2: get along with their siblings. They don't know how to

6
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:19,760
Speaker 2: switch the screens off without being asked five thousand times.

7
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,360
Speaker 2: Lower your expectations. Expect that it's going to be hard.

8
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:26,920
Speaker 2: Expect that if your patient compassionate, gentle, and persistent and consistent,

9
00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:29,040
Speaker 2: that eventually you'll get there. Give it eighteen years or

10
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:29,800
Speaker 2: so on, you'll be right.

11
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,320
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum

12
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:33,840
Speaker 1: and dad.

13
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,440
Speaker 2: Hello, everyone. This is doctor Justin Coulson, the author of

14
00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:39,080
Speaker 2: six books about making families happier. In fact, I've just

15
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,839
Speaker 2: finished my seventh book. It's gone through the editing process

16
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:43,720
Speaker 2: and it's going to be out in time for Father's Day.

17
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:46,880
Speaker 2: I'm so excited Book number seven. Kylie, you said I'd

18
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,440
Speaker 2: taken on too much at the start of the year,

19
00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:50,360
Speaker 2: and I said, I can do this. We can move house,

20
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,240
Speaker 2: I can acquire a second business and recruit new stuff,

21
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:55,200
Speaker 2: and I can write two extra books this year. And

22
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:58,840
Speaker 2: we're on track. It's happening. Oh and we can we're

23
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:02,120
Speaker 2: doing it is life when there is that much going on.

24
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,680
Speaker 3: Ah, your definition of fun and mine are very different.

25
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:10,959
Speaker 2: But in light of our conversation, day time poor parenting.

26
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:13,720
Speaker 3: Fails to amaze me at what you can accomplish when

27
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:14,600
Speaker 3: you put your mind to it.

28
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,440
Speaker 2: Just so exciting. Do you think that I'm a fun guy.

29
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,119
Speaker 2: I'm not talking about a specific kind of mushroom here,

30
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,160
Speaker 2: I mean, do you think that I'm a fun kind

31
00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:23,760
Speaker 2: of person? I got a joke. I got a joke.

32
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,520
Speaker 2: I got a joke because I'm such a fun guy.

33
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:25,840
Speaker 1: Huh.

34
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,840
Speaker 2: Okay, because you know I'm doing some ptea at the moment.

35
00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:30,680
Speaker 2: I said to my pt the other day, can you

36
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:32,679
Speaker 2: teach me to do the splits? And she said, how

37
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:38,720
Speaker 2: flexblay you? And I said, I can't make tuesdays? How

38
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,840
Speaker 2: bad is that? Okay, let's move on. Did you read

39
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,800
Speaker 2: in the paper the police rested a couple of kids yesterday.

40
00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:47,280
Speaker 2: I was drinking battery acid. The other one was eating fireworks.

41
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:51,320
Speaker 2: He charged one, he let the other one off. Hey,

42
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:54,120
Speaker 2: we need to talk about our conversation for today because

43
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:57,960
Speaker 2: it ties in with my terrible sense of humor. He

44
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,400
Speaker 2: charged one. Yes, that Reid five words. I get it.

45
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,200
Speaker 3: Okay, you know it's not funny if you have to explain.

46
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:07,320
Speaker 2: I know, I know. So today's conversation is whether or

47
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:08,680
Speaker 2: not we can be happier as parents.

48
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,880
Speaker 3: It's interesting that we're talking about this because I had

49
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,840
Speaker 3: this very experience the other day in the car with

50
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,040
Speaker 3: the kids on the way to school. It had not

51
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,480
Speaker 3: been a good start to the day. We have a

52
00:02:20,919 --> 00:02:23,320
Speaker 3: we've had good starts every day we've had We've got

53
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:27,160
Speaker 3: a pre teen who is Yeah, she's a bit of

54
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,480
Speaker 3: a fire cracker at the moment, and.

55
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:32,120
Speaker 2: We're going to let her off. Oh gosh.

56
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,720
Speaker 3: So anyway, she was very, very moody the other morning,

57
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,320
Speaker 3: and I had just kind of reached my end, and

58
00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:41,160
Speaker 3: so there was not any talking happening in the car.

59
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, this was Tuesday morning. You were cranky, and you

60
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:45,680
Speaker 2: were not a happy parent.

61
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,320
Speaker 3: I was not a happy parent at all. But I

62
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:52,760
Speaker 3: had watched a movie a few days earlier where one.

63
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,400
Speaker 2: Of the women in what was the movie? Just tell

64
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:55,840
Speaker 2: us a movie?

65
00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:57,760
Speaker 3: I don't remember, oh god, but one of the women

66
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:01,040
Speaker 3: in the story was had this really big fake smile

67
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:04,800
Speaker 3: on yep, and the lady she was talking to said,

68
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,480
Speaker 3: you know, why are you so happy? And she says, oh, no,

69
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,880
Speaker 3: I just read somewhere that if I smile long enough,

70
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,640
Speaker 3: I can trick my brain into thinking I'm happy. And

71
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:14,800
Speaker 3: she's got this ridiculous fake smile on her face, and

72
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,760
Speaker 3: obviously the story proves that she's not happy at all,

73
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,960
Speaker 3: and she's a very miserable person. But it just as

74
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,600
Speaker 3: I was sitting in the car and I was thinking

75
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:24,280
Speaker 3: about the fact that I get to choose in this

76
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,120
Speaker 3: moment how I'm going to be, and I was like,

77
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:30,560
Speaker 3: maybe if I just try it, And so I literally

78
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,960
Speaker 3: sat in the car at the red light, and I

79
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,560
Speaker 3: put on the biggest fakeers smile and it felt so

80
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,200
Speaker 3: awkward on my face, like it just felt ridiculous, and

81
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:42,400
Speaker 3: I just happened to look in the mirror and I

82
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,520
Speaker 3: took one look at myself. I was like, this is ridiculous.

83
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,600
Speaker 3: And I sat there for a bit longer. But the meantime,

84
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,000
Speaker 3: the girls had put a song on the radio which

85
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:56,320
Speaker 3: was just a little bit funky, and I found myself

86
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,080
Speaker 3: doing the smile again, and I looked in the mirror

87
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,800
Speaker 3: and then I kind of I felt my body like

88
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,560
Speaker 3: wiggle a little bit to the music, and all of

89
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,400
Speaker 3: a sudden, there.

90
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:08,520
Speaker 2: Was just this instant feel good. I was so cranky.

91
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:12,680
Speaker 3: The morning had been awful, but just that one thing

92
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:16,240
Speaker 3: changed the mood instantly, and it took me a little.

93
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,040
Speaker 3: I didn't say anything in the car, like I didn't.

94
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:19,320
Speaker 2: The kids didn't even know where I.

95
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,680
Speaker 3: Was at at that moment.

96
00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:22,159
Speaker 2: They were still too scared.

97
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:29,599
Speaker 3: I don't say that, But within half a song, I'd

98
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,920
Speaker 3: gone from being just stewing over how awful the morning

99
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,720
Speaker 3: had been to Gosh, I love my kids.

100
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:41,560
Speaker 2: Oh, I love them. They drive me crazy, but I

101
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:42,160
Speaker 2: love them.

102
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,800
Speaker 3: And I was so grateful that in that moment I

103
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,600
Speaker 3: was driving them to school and I was going to

104
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:47,960
Speaker 3: get out of the car and give them a big

105
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,160
Speaker 3: hug and let them go off to school.

106
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:52,320
Speaker 2: And did you I did oh, And it was just.

107
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,680
Speaker 3: Such a nice way, which it could have been the

108
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,280
Speaker 3: complete opposite. You know, the kids could have jumped out

109
00:04:57,279 --> 00:04:59,599
Speaker 3: of the car and run away now and that you

110
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,200
Speaker 3: know they were going to get any soft, warm fuzzies

111
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:07,440
Speaker 3: from mum. But instead just making that one ridiculous decision

112
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,279
Speaker 3: to do the biggest fake smile that felt like it

113
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:14,280
Speaker 3: did like literally felt awkward on my face. It felt

114
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:15,600
Speaker 3: so ridiculous.

115
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:16,920
Speaker 2: What I just have to do was a radio our sir,

116
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,800
Speaker 2: turn on the microphone and smile. Literally put a great,

117
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,800
Speaker 2: big smile plus across your face, no matter how silly

118
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,680
Speaker 2: it looks, because people can hear when you're smiling, and

119
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,120
Speaker 2: they can hear when you're not. See what I did there?

120
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:29,440
Speaker 2: Could you hear the difference in tone I was smiling

121
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,720
Speaker 2: and now I'm not. I'm just putting it out of there.

122
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,720
Speaker 3: Okay, Okay, so everyone knows one of us smiles and

123
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:35,400
Speaker 3: one of us doesn't.

124
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. So the reason for this podcast, though,

125
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,080
Speaker 2: is how to be happy as a parent. This is

126
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:41,880
Speaker 2: a podcast for a time poor parent who just wants

127
00:05:42,279 --> 00:05:42,920
Speaker 2: fake smile.

128
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,159
Speaker 3: Ladies, just fake smile.

129
00:05:45,839 --> 00:05:46,920
Speaker 2: Dad's listened to this too.

130
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,040
Speaker 3: Well, you fake smile all the time.

131
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,279
Speaker 2: I do because it makes me feel great. Now, there's

132
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,880
Speaker 2: a serious side to this. We want to recognize before

133
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,560
Speaker 2: we share these ideas that sometimes life is hard. Sometimes

134
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:01,320
Speaker 2: it's really hard to find the joy, the smile, the

135
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:06,919
Speaker 2: find the way through the difficulties, the tediousness, the mud

136
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,960
Speaker 2: that it feels like you're dragging yourself through. And we

137
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,120
Speaker 2: also want to recognize that research does show that there's

138
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,040
Speaker 2: a negative relationship between having children and being happy. That is,

139
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,560
Speaker 2: as you have more children and as those children grow up,

140
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,080
Speaker 2: your well being tends to drop off. It's a well

141
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,040
Speaker 2: established relationship that we've known about in the scientific research

142
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:28,719
Speaker 2: for three maybe four decades now. So what I get.

143
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,680
Speaker 3: What I get from what you're saying, though, is we're

144
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,800
Speaker 3: not suggesting that there's a band aid fixed when life

145
00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:36,800
Speaker 3: is really hard. There's an acknowledgment that life's really hard.

146
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,120
Speaker 2: Sure, but we're also going to highlight in this podcast

147
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,400
Speaker 2: that there are any number of things. I'm going to

148
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,719
Speaker 2: share seven things that we can do. Seven I'm going

149
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,479
Speaker 2: to do it quickly. Seven things that we can do

150
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,880
Speaker 2: to make ourselves happier or to make our families happier,

151
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,480
Speaker 2: and to feel better as a parent. I mean that's

152
00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,200
Speaker 2: the topic of the podcast, right, how do you be

153
00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:56,479
Speaker 2: a happier parent? Well, these ideas will help. If they

154
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,800
Speaker 2: don't help, it may be necessary to go and get

155
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,359
Speaker 2: some professional help, going and see a psychologist, talk with

156
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,080
Speaker 2: your GP, talk to a mental health career who can

157
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,880
Speaker 2: give you the appropriate guidance. But absolutely you can be

158
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:08,560
Speaker 2: a happier parent. After the break, I'm going to share

159
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:14,880
Speaker 2: those seven ways that you can do Family life is

160
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,119
Speaker 2: pretty tough going sometimes most days are a struggle between

161
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:21,679
Speaker 2: strong willed children and frazzled parents. But it can be better.

162
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:25,360
Speaker 2: The twenty one Days to a Happier Family program is

163
00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:29,320
Speaker 2: designed for busy parents who want a calmer, happier family,

164
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,880
Speaker 2: and it can be done with evidence based strategies and

165
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:35,840
Speaker 2: practices that really work in twenty one days. All resources

166
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,440
Speaker 2: are available for your family for twenty one Days to

167
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:41,360
Speaker 2: a Happier Family at happy families dot com dot au.

168
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,720
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for a time

169
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,840
Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers. Now you've suggested, you've

170
00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:49,520
Speaker 3: got seven things, and you're going to do it really quick.

171
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:50,520
Speaker 3: I don't reckon you can do it.

172
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:55,720
Speaker 2: Number one, Make the decision, literally, make the decision to

173
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,400
Speaker 2: be happier. What we often forget is that we are

174
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,960
Speaker 2: not victims of our circumstance. We are not the victim

175
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:04,640
Speaker 2: of our twelve year old who is a preteen, who

176
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,200
Speaker 2: is irritable, who is pre menstrual, and who wants to

177
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,600
Speaker 2: destroy the family this morning. Her mood doesn't have to

178
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:14,720
Speaker 2: affect me, and so I just don't let it. I

179
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,840
Speaker 2: get to choose. I make the decision. I choose. She

180
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,400
Speaker 2: can't make me irritable, she can't make me upset, she

181
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,560
Speaker 2: can't make me angry, she can't make me anything at

182
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,600
Speaker 2: all if I don't let her. She's not that powerful

183
00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,720
Speaker 2: in my life. I love it like crazy. I want

184
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,640
Speaker 2: her to be well, and I'll do everything I can

185
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,840
Speaker 2: to help her. But ultimately, I'm not going to walk

186
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,640
Speaker 2: out of the room miserable because she's miserable.

187
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:37,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, but some people just manage to work through emotions

188
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,640
Speaker 3: a lot faster. It's not one of my skill sets.

189
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,960
Speaker 3: It takes me a little while to kind of work

190
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,520
Speaker 3: through the emotion that I'm feeling. And part of that

191
00:08:44,559 --> 00:08:47,040
Speaker 3: comes down to actually recognizing what I'm feeling.

192
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,880
Speaker 2: And of course you've got to be aware of it,

193
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:50,319
Speaker 2: and then you've got to regulate it.

194
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:54,080
Speaker 3: But that was what happened in the car the other morning.

195
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,079
Speaker 3: It was just that recognition I'm a real crank, and

196
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,080
Speaker 3: I actually don't need to be a real crank direct

197
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,040
Speaker 3: and she does and have the power to make me cranky.

198
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,640
Speaker 3: This is a choice that I'm making. But it took

199
00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:07,360
Speaker 3: me a while to get from I'm a crank to

200
00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:09,720
Speaker 3: recognizing that I actually have control over.

201
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, so that comes down to practice. And there's also

202
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,920
Speaker 2: another I've had lots of practice. Well, there's a second

203
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,600
Speaker 2: part of this here, and that is and this is

204
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,080
Speaker 2: my second suggestion. Not only can they not make you

205
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,120
Speaker 2: feel a certain way, but if you're allowing them to,

206
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,439
Speaker 2: it's because your egos in the way. It's all about pride.

207
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:25,880
Speaker 2: So get your ego out of the way. Get your

208
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,040
Speaker 2: pride out of the way. Don't feel like you've got

209
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,240
Speaker 2: to respond a certain way because that's how they are

210
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,520
Speaker 2: and this is the expectation, and I've got to respect

211
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,560
Speaker 2: myself and forget it. Like, if the kids are having

212
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,120
Speaker 2: allows your time, I'll give them a hug, I'll be compassionate,

213
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,400
Speaker 2: I'll sit there and say we can talk about this.

214
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,800
Speaker 2: If they're being disobedient, I'm disrespectful. I can work through

215
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:45,800
Speaker 2: all that sort of stuff with them as a parent.

216
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,559
Speaker 2: But my real job is to say, you're having a

217
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,480
Speaker 2: tough time right now, and I'm here to support you

218
00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:51,960
Speaker 2: in that. But it doesn't mean I've got to have

219
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,360
Speaker 2: a tough time too. You're being disrespectful right now. You're

220
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,480
Speaker 2: not following you're not following our family values and principles.

221
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,560
Speaker 2: I get it, you don't like what it's going on,

222
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,920
Speaker 2: but I don't have to get myself in a tears

223
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,160
Speaker 2: in a fix. I don't have to drag myself down

224
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,520
Speaker 2: as well just because that's how you are. I can.

225
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,120
Speaker 2: It's actually about getting rid of the ego, not getting

226
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,839
Speaker 2: invested in it, and saying I get that's where you are,

227
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,240
Speaker 2: but I'm not going to play there.

228
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:20,079
Speaker 3: It's creating emotional distance without being emotionally distanced from your child.

229
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,760
Speaker 2: I love the way you said that. That's excellent. I

230
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,240
Speaker 2: feel like I need to write that down. Creating the

231
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:30,400
Speaker 2: distance emotionally without creating the distance between you and your child. Yeah, yeah, beautiful.

232
00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:33,040
Speaker 2: My third idea for how to be happier as a

233
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:38,160
Speaker 2: parent Lower your expectations. Like their kids. They don't know

234
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,160
Speaker 2: how to regulate their behaviors. They don't know how to

235
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,360
Speaker 2: regulate their emotions. They don't know how to manage their

236
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,319
Speaker 2: time and their priorities. They don't know how to get

237
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:45,960
Speaker 2: along with their siblings. They don't know how to switch

238
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,400
Speaker 2: the screens off without being asked five thousand times. Lower

239
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,839
Speaker 2: your expectations. Expect that it's going to be hard. Expect

240
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,520
Speaker 2: that it's going to take AGES, expect that if your

241
00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:57,240
Speaker 2: patient compassionate, gentle, and persistent and consistent, that eventually you'll

242
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,839
Speaker 2: get there. Give it eighteen years or so one you'll

243
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:02,960
Speaker 2: be right now. I'm not suggesting that we should accept

244
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,559
Speaker 2: mediocrity here. What I'm suggesting, though, is when our expectations

245
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,600
Speaker 2: are lower, we're much more easily satisfied and surprised, and

246
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,720
Speaker 2: if things don't work out, we're much less likely to

247
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,200
Speaker 2: be angry about it or upset about it or sad

248
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,880
Speaker 2: about it, which like, Okay, they're kids, they make mistakes,

249
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:19,840
Speaker 2: that's how it goes. So that's my third idea. What's

250
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:24,199
Speaker 2: number four? Create time affluence? If you want to be

251
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,400
Speaker 2: happier as a parent, stop being in such a rush

252
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,320
Speaker 2: all the time. Now, we had that podcast about it

253
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:31,199
Speaker 2: on Monday, about finding more time in your day, so

254
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:32,400
Speaker 2: I'm not going to talk more about it, but i

255
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,160
Speaker 2: want to refer people back to Monday's pot if you

256
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,640
Speaker 2: missed it. I think it was one of the best

257
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,440
Speaker 2: and most important podcasts we've done in AGES. And I

258
00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:41,200
Speaker 2: know that when when I have more time in my

259
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,240
Speaker 2: day and I'm not staring at my screen to fill

260
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,760
Speaker 2: that time in but I'm connecting with my kids or

261
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:51,720
Speaker 2: with you, life is awesome. So create create time affluence.

262
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:52,800
Speaker 2: That's idea number four.

263
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:53,600
Speaker 3: Number five.

264
00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:56,760
Speaker 2: This one is a special one just for dads. It

265
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,440
Speaker 2: applies to mums as well, but mums do this all

266
00:11:58,440 --> 00:11:59,920
Speaker 2: the time and sometimes they can get a bit burned

267
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,800
Speaker 2: out by it. But dads probably need to do this more.

268
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,200
Speaker 2: When we look at the research around this, it's pretty

269
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,040
Speaker 2: profoundly important. Sacrificing for your kids makes you happy. And

270
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,280
Speaker 2: so what researchers have discovered over the years is that

271
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,120
Speaker 2: as a dad, the more invested you are, the more

272
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:21,560
Speaker 2: time you give, the more effort you put forth, the

273
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,560
Speaker 2: deeper your relationship, the more satisfying the bonds, and the

274
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,480
Speaker 2: happier you are. It's that whole me time versus we

275
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,800
Speaker 2: time thing. And so I'm going to argue, especially for dads,

276
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,199
Speaker 2: but even for mums, invest in the relationship. And when

277
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,200
Speaker 2: I say that, I don't mean spend more time cleaning

278
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,760
Speaker 2: or tidying or cooking or ironing or washing or folding

279
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,120
Speaker 2: or doing about.

280
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,440
Speaker 3: That personal connection that you have.

281
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:43,960
Speaker 2: That's it.

282
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, So go for a walk along the beach with

283
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,920
Speaker 3: your child, go play in the.

284
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,839
Speaker 2: Chest, yeah whatever. Yep, Yep, that's it, And Kylie, I

285
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:58,160
Speaker 2: can't say this with enough emphasis. It's really about the

286
00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:02,680
Speaker 2: quality of the connection and put the phones away. Like

287
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,440
Speaker 2: I've been making a really big deal about this lately

288
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:07,920
Speaker 2: on the podcast, but I'm watching What Happens when the

289
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,040
Speaker 2: other day, I was trying to read an article that

290
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,640
Speaker 2: was really important to me. I really wanted to get

291
00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:17,040
Speaker 2: through it. And Emily, our eight year old, said, Dad,

292
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,280
Speaker 2: can we play chess? And it took so much for

293
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:23,360
Speaker 2: me to put the phone down immediately and say, sure,

294
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,080
Speaker 2: let's play chess. I didn't want to. I don't even

295
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:29,080
Speaker 2: like chess, but she loves it, and I put the

296
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,240
Speaker 2: device down and we just had so much fun and

297
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,440
Speaker 2: she nearly beat me, like my eight year age. She

298
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,319
Speaker 2: was amazing about it, so much fun, And I was

299
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,680
Speaker 2: so glad because the article really doesn't matter and I

300
00:13:39,679 --> 00:13:40,360
Speaker 2: can read the article.

301
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:41,960
Speaker 3: We can read the article just about.

302
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,640
Speaker 2: Any time, but I can't play chess anytime with this

303
00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:44,240
Speaker 2: little kiddo.

304
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,240
Speaker 3: But if you keep saying no, sooner or later, she's

305
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:47,079
Speaker 3: going to stop asking.

306
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:47,559
Speaker 1: Yeah.

307
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:50,480
Speaker 2: So making the sacrifice for your kids to really connect.

308
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,760
Speaker 2: It's particularly for dads that I'm saying this, But I

309
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,080
Speaker 2: think that it applies as well for mums. Is a

310
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:58,920
Speaker 2: way to actually make yourself happier. I got two more.

311
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:00,720
Speaker 2: You mentioned one of them when you're in the car

312
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,600
Speaker 2: the other day. Music. Just get something to get those

313
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,160
Speaker 2: toes tapping, gets those shoulders bopping, It will make you happier.

314
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:11,760
Speaker 2: And my last one look after yourself. Yeah.

315
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,840
Speaker 3: I had a few things and you didn't actually say

316
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,560
Speaker 3: any of them really, And the last one was making

317
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,160
Speaker 3: time for yourself. I know that I am one hundred

318
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:23,040
Speaker 3: percent happier when I actually stick to my routine and

319
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,880
Speaker 3: give myself a little bit of time out. Yeah, you know,

320
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,280
Speaker 3: I like to go for a walk along the beach

321
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:30,120
Speaker 3: in the mornings. That's my time. And I just loved

322
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,960
Speaker 3: the other morning when I came home from my walk

323
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,320
Speaker 3: and you were sitting at the table with Emily playing chess.

324
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,000
Speaker 3: It was just it was amazing. It felt like we

325
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,960
Speaker 3: were on the same team. I got to do the

326
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,320
Speaker 3: things that I needed to do to rejuvenate and feel

327
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,320
Speaker 3: replenished and ready to go about my day. And I

328
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,240
Speaker 3: knew that Emily and you were going to be able

329
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,560
Speaker 3: to have that time together. And she just thought it

330
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,640
Speaker 3: was awesome because she's learning some pretty cool moves at

331
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:51,160
Speaker 3: chess club.

332
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:52,480
Speaker 2: Yeah.

333
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,240
Speaker 3: The other two things that really stood out to me

334
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,360
Speaker 3: as I have kind of gone through parenting is surrounding

335
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:01,000
Speaker 3: yourself with happy people. Oh yeah, I think it's really important.

336
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:05,000
Speaker 3: I found myself at certain times being kind of you know,

337
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,880
Speaker 3: in groups where everyone just wants to wing and complain

338
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,880
Speaker 3: and life is hard, and it's really important that you've

339
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,640
Speaker 3: got safe people that you feel that you can share

340
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,800
Speaker 3: your hard things with. It's good to have an outlet,

341
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:19,240
Speaker 3: but if your focus is just always about that, then

342
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:22,880
Speaker 3: it brings everybody down. So I have really made conscious

343
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:26,480
Speaker 3: decisions to find people who just find joy in life

344
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,040
Speaker 3: and we able to share our hard times together. But

345
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,440
Speaker 3: that's not our emphasis. Our emphasis is finding the gold flex,

346
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,640
Speaker 3: the joyful moments.

347
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,160
Speaker 2: And what that emphasizes to me is that you've got

348
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,320
Speaker 2: to make a conscious choice. What are you going to

349
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:41,960
Speaker 2: talk about and how are you going to use it

350
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:46,560
Speaker 2: to stimulate, to elevate, to energize, to inspire. Ultimately, this

351
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,240
Speaker 2: whole conversation about how you can be happier as a

352
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:49,440
Speaker 2: parent comes down to one word.

353
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:50,920
Speaker 3: It's gratitude.

354
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:56,200
Speaker 2: No, it's not gratitude but me, no, No, it's choice.

355
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,480
Speaker 2: It's choice. We get to choose. We do in every

356
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,840
Speaker 2: single situation. We get to choose, and we can choose

357
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:03,720
Speaker 2: to be happy, or you can we choose to be miserable,

358
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:04,440
Speaker 2: or you can choose to be.

359
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,120
Speaker 3: Stressed sometimes because you'd really like to blame it on

360
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:07,720
Speaker 3: somebody out.

361
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I know that this can be

362
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:10,840
Speaker 2: some really hard medicine to hear and swallow. And some

363
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,160
Speaker 2: people are hearing this right now and going I'm just failing.

364
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,440
Speaker 2: I'm absolutely failing. I get it, and I want to

365
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,560
Speaker 2: have all the sympathy and the empathy in the world.

366
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,720
Speaker 2: I've been there, I'm there regularly when I'm forgetting that

367
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,080
Speaker 2: I have a choice all the time. Yep, yep, you are.

368
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:28,920
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, But here's the critical thing. We get to choose,

369
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,360
Speaker 2: And even if you're feeling horrible about it right now,

370
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,120
Speaker 2: you know deep down that this is the best news ever.

371
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,160
Speaker 3: It really is, because when you're in a good space

372
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:40,960
Speaker 3: and you can recognize that there's power. Yeah, it's empowering

373
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,640
Speaker 3: to know that I get to make that decision.

374
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,840
Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from

375
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,680
Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer and we

376
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,240
Speaker 2: appreciate so much that you listen to the podcast. If

377
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:54,400
Speaker 2: you've got questions for US, email US Podcasts that's podcasts

378
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,920
Speaker 2: with an S at Happy families dot com dot you.

379
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,560
Speaker 2: We would also love it if you would leave a

380
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,000
Speaker 2: review on Apple Podcasts and let people know that you

381
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,800
Speaker 2: love the pod and that you're listening to it and

382
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,520
Speaker 2: how it helps your family. We have been setting records

383
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,359
Speaker 2: week on week lately, with more and more people finding

384
00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:11,240
Speaker 2: the podcast, more and more people listening to it. I

385
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,000
Speaker 2: don't know if I'm allowed to officially say the numbers,

386
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,240
Speaker 2: but let's say that we're about to hit six figures

387
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,960
Speaker 2: a week like this is going up and up and up.

388
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,080
Speaker 2: So many people are listening to the podcast and getting

389
00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:22,600
Speaker 2: so much out of it. We appreciate so much that

390
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,600
Speaker 2: you listen, that you choose to spend time with us

391
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:29,680
Speaker 2: each day. Thank you, Thank you so much. We're tremendously grateful.

392
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,200
Speaker 2: If you'd like more info about making your family happy,

393
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:36,159
Speaker 2: check out our Happy Families memberships. Low price, loads of value,

394
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:40,120
Speaker 2: and heaps of ideas to make your family thrive and flourish.

395
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,280
Speaker 2: You can find it all at happy families dot com

396
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:42,720
Speaker 2: dot au