WEBVTT - "Is Friendliness 😎A Charitable 💸 Act When It's Insincere?"

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<v Speaker 1>Flex and Frooms Flex and Frooms. This is the Flex

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<v Speaker 1>and Frooms catch up podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>It is Flex and Frooms on Cato. One of my

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<v Speaker 2>favorite things to do here is pose a question that

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<v Speaker 2>we sometimes will answer. But if you know how to

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<v Speaker 2>read between the lines of chaos and humor, you'll see

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<v Speaker 2>that everything we say is in fact apt and can

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<v Speaker 2>be applied for your everyday life.

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<v Speaker 1>And is also a joke.

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<v Speaker 2>Never, though, no, never, do you think you should be

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<v Speaker 2>someone's friend out of charity. Oh imagine if someone lonely

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<v Speaker 2>considers you a close friend purely by proximity, should you

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<v Speaker 2>stay in their life even if it's not quote unquote

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<v Speaker 2>serving you. I've got a lot to say about consolation

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<v Speaker 2>prize friendships, but this comes from the New York Times.

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<v Speaker 1>They've got a column.

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<v Speaker 2>Called The Ethicist, where people ask moral and ethical questions

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<v Speaker 2>to the person who writes the column, and they answer it. So,

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<v Speaker 2>Arita says, a person I've known for many years considers

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<v Speaker 2>me a friend, even a good friend. Although I pretend

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<v Speaker 2>to like him, spending time with him is seldom and

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<v Speaker 2>jo and is actually often quite difficult. He is, I believe,

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<v Speaker 2>profoundly depressed and has very few friends. If any He

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<v Speaker 2>is invariably negative, and when questioned about seeming unhappy, is

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<v Speaker 2>unwilling to consider any different perspectives, possible changes, or therapy

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<v Speaker 2>down This person contacts me every couple of months to

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<v Speaker 2>get together, and I put it off. Eventually I respond

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<v Speaker 2>out of sympathy and guilt, and when I see him,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not gushingly friendly, but I try to be supportive

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<v Speaker 2>and and make him feel both liked and appreciated, and

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<v Speaker 2>I believe he finds me entertaining. In short, he seems

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<v Speaker 2>to have a good time. He has remarked that I'm

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<v Speaker 2>always direct and honest about my feelings. I do normally

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<v Speaker 2>detest phoniness and have harsh feelings about two people in

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<v Speaker 2>my own life who profess to be close, loving friends

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<v Speaker 2>while secretly trashing me behind my back. So I feel

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<v Speaker 2>for this person and would like to help him. But

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<v Speaker 2>is friendliness a charitable act if it's insincere when someone

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<v Speaker 2>is lonely and depressed, is it better to be a

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<v Speaker 2>phony friend or not a friend at all?

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<v Speaker 1>This is a wild one for.

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<v Speaker 2>Me, because I just feel in my heart of hearts

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<v Speaker 2>that being an active friend, like a proper friend, not

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<v Speaker 2>a party friend, an acquaintance, a work friend, you know

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<v Speaker 2>someone who's involved. It requires an emotional transfer that I

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<v Speaker 2>don't think should be faked. I used to feel as

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<v Speaker 2>though what someone got out of a friendship and what

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<v Speaker 2>you gave didn't have to be equal, even in the

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<v Speaker 2>same vein, because people have different needs or whatever. But

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<v Speaker 2>the more that I invest in people, it becomes clear

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<v Speaker 2>to me that at a baseline, we should have the

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<v Speaker 2>same understanding what this friendship is doing for both of us,

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<v Speaker 2>and we should like endeavor to keep that up. So,

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<v Speaker 2>for example, that's why I don't think you should always

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<v Speaker 2>transition party friends, because we should endeavor to ensure that.

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<v Speaker 1>At the party this is popping.

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<v Speaker 2>But when you start to transition it into like a

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<v Speaker 2>day to day friendship, we're bringing like unresolved ideals from

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<v Speaker 2>one dynamic into another. This one, though, is getting me

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<v Speaker 2>because I remember having a friend who would only ever

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<v Speaker 2>call on me when they had something to like complain about,

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<v Speaker 2>which is fine, I love it.

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<v Speaker 1>It's like juicy, I love gossip.

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<v Speaker 2>However, in contrast with that, the type of friend who

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<v Speaker 2>always had a new friend just couldn't keep new friends,

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<v Speaker 2>could never see that they were the issue. Extremely judgmental

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<v Speaker 2>extremely critical, extremely closed minded, just the layers and layers

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<v Speaker 2>and layers and layers, And I for some reason felt

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<v Speaker 2>really indebted to them because they'd spent all this time

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<v Speaker 2>basically integrating me into their law.

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<v Speaker 1>Why do I have permission to stop?

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<v Speaker 2>But I remember this one kind of like a confrontation

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<v Speaker 2>we had whereas like you have to start turning the

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<v Speaker 2>mirror in.

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<v Speaker 1>It is just not.

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<v Speaker 2>Helpful for you to be nitpicking every single person who

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<v Speaker 2>enters your life to the point of like obsolescence, Like

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<v Speaker 2>you nitpick them out of your life and then come

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<v Speaker 2>back and play victim and then do it again with

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<v Speaker 2>no remorse. It's so crazy. The issue was aside from

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<v Speaker 2>this person being the way they were, they were also

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<v Speaker 2>actually going through it like real life stuff was happening

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<v Speaker 2>in tandem for years.

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<v Speaker 1>So it was one thing after the other.

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<v Speaker 2>So it's always hard to discern which is just like

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<v Speaker 2>a situational thing, or are you this person? But after

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<v Speaker 2>that confrontation, I was expecting for there to be some

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<v Speaker 2>kind of resolution and it didn't come. It came in

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<v Speaker 2>in the groundhogs there the same thing again and again,

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<v Speaker 2>and so I did what my sometimes avoidant self would do.

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<v Speaker 2>Split ghosted, ran away, And it was so interesting because

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<v Speaker 2>I was thinking when I was reading this. I've said

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<v Speaker 2>it before as someone who's a big talker, a big

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<v Speaker 2>chit chatter for me to ghost, it's actually quite difficult

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<v Speaker 2>because I'm always chitchatt I'm always like letting you know

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<v Speaker 2>how I'm feeling, what I'm going through whatever. So if

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<v Speaker 2>you get me to the point where I don't want

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<v Speaker 2>to talk at all, you've crossed the line. You've almost

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<v Speaker 2>done too much. Because there are a lot of things

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like, no, we just talk it out, took it out,

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<v Speaker 2>took it out, like, let's see each other's point of view.

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<v Speaker 1>No.

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<v Speaker 2>This though, is friendliness a charitable act if it's insince here,

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<v Speaker 2>yes and no. Yeah, but maybe not friendship friendliness? Oh

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<v Speaker 2>for sure, I think I think friendliness you can definitely

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<v Speaker 2>give someone that vibe and have it be insincere. Friendship, however,

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<v Speaker 2>and it seems like this person, the depressed person, feels

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<v Speaker 2>that they have a friendship.

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<v Speaker 1>You gotta figure that out.

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<v Speaker 3>For me, the barometer would be if you were friends

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<v Speaker 3>with them before they started displaying these depressed tendencies. Stay

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<v Speaker 3>the course part of the course, fom don't leave, but

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<v Speaker 3>if it's more that they are a constant downer and

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<v Speaker 3>it seems to be a personality trait that doesn't suit you,

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<v Speaker 3>then jump.

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<v Speaker 1>Misery loves company, as.

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<v Speaker 2>They'll say, So that's always space in the misery.

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<v Speaker 3>So I wouldn't advocate for leaving a friend who are depressed, clearly,

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<v Speaker 3>but we all have years, months or years when we're

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<v Speaker 3>a bit of a down vibe. Yeah, but when it

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<v Speaker 3>comes back up, the gratefulness that you feel to your

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<v Speaker 3>friends who's stuck around when you're in your darkest days,

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<v Speaker 3>that's friendship, guys, That's yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>I think the better question here is like how honest

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<v Speaker 2>you need to be about your reason for not wanting

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<v Speaker 2>to continue a friendship.

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<v Speaker 1>It's not a good time to be like, you're not

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<v Speaker 1>a good time mirror depress.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like keep that to yourself respectfully, but just

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<v Speaker 2>you can say I've done a little a little evaluation

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<v Speaker 2>and I'm at this stage where like.

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<v Speaker 1>I can't hold space. Ill, Oh no, I just ghost. No,

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<v Speaker 1>it's not that simple.

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<v Speaker 2>I just feel like having a bit of a.

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<v Speaker 1>You've been listening to the Flex and Frooms Daily podcast.

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<v Speaker 3>For more, Tune Indicator on DAB or stream it on iHeartRadio,