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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, we need to know our children well enough to

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Speaker 2: know what lights the mark, to see where they find delight.

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Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum

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Speaker 2: and dad. How much joy is in your joy tank

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Speaker 2: this morning? Missus Happy Families?

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Speaker 1: Oh, come on, you giving me a hard time about

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Speaker 1: being a crank? I think you are.

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Speaker 2: I was just asking the question, are you feeling joyful?

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Speaker 1: If normally I am, but not today?

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Speaker 2: Really? Why is that tired?

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Speaker 1: It's been a big couple of weeks. Okay, I've been

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Speaker 1: unpacking the second shipping container.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, all of that year, which is squeezing into a

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Speaker 2: house bit by bit, kids back at school.

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Speaker 1: There's been a lot to work through and I'm feeling it.

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Speaker 1: And I am training for a ten kilometer run.

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Speaker 2: We haven't told anybody what's going on there. This is

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Speaker 2: not the point of the podcast, but what's the deal?

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Speaker 2: Fill everyone in what's happening with this ten k run?

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Speaker 1: When we moved up to the coast, I made a

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Speaker 1: conscious effort because we live so close to the water

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Speaker 1: that I wouldn't get in the car to go to

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Speaker 1: the beach, and so each morning I've been going down

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Speaker 1: and doing a little run.

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Speaker 2: It's only little.

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Speaker 1: It's one point five to the beach and then I

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Speaker 1: sit down there and I meditate and have some time

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Speaker 1: to ponder before I run home. So it's a very

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Speaker 1: short run and there's a forty minute gap in between.

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Speaker 1: My three k's totally sure.

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Speaker 2: So one and a half their rest, one and a half home.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I'm not trying to beat anyone's time or anything

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Speaker 1: like that. I'm just moving my body. But we recently

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Speaker 1: caught it with friends and you know, they're doing a

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Speaker 1: marathon in November, and I jokingly said we should go

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Speaker 1: on a holiday and they said, well, we're going to

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Speaker 1: Queenstown and we're running a marathon. And I thought, well,

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Speaker 1: I want a holiday and Queenstown's pretty nice place to

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Speaker 1: do it. And if I'm going to go and watch them,

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Speaker 1: I don't want.

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Speaker 2: To watch them worrying, how boring.

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Speaker 1: I'm not interested in running a marathon, but I'm really

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Speaker 1: happy to push myself and run a ten k run.

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Speaker 1: So I've signed up.

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Speaker 2: This is the first event that you've ever done like

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Speaker 2: this in your life.

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Speaker 1: I probably will be the what do you call that

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Speaker 1: person at the very end who runs arounds every pony

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Speaker 1: up but the loser who? But I again, I'm not

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Speaker 1: really interested in a time. I just am interested in

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Speaker 1: challenging myself. So as a result, I am feeling a

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Speaker 1: little bit sore and a little bit tired. Yeah, and

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Speaker 1: probably a little bit grumpier than normal.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, when you exercise and your body's not used

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Speaker 2: to it, we all know that you've been exercising. Not

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Speaker 2: like me, not like me at all. Of course, I'm

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Speaker 2: used to exercising and getting up at ridiculous a clock.

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Speaker 2: Hey's so your joy tanks a little on the low side.

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Speaker 2: But doesn't it feel good to know that you're working

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Speaker 2: your way up to it? At ten k? How far

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Speaker 2: did you run this morning?

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Speaker 1: I did four point three this morning. That's the further

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Speaker 1: it start run.

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Speaker 2: So far? How exciting? So you've only got an extra

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Speaker 2: do you? Reckon? You've got another six k's in you? Well?

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Speaker 1: Look, I was talking to my coach.

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Speaker 2: Who's your coach? I didn't know you had a coach.

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Speaker 1: I have a very good friend who's been running her

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Speaker 1: whole life.

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Speaker 2: Oh okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 1: And she just said to get to five k's and

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Speaker 1: just to keep running five k's until I love running

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Speaker 1: five k's.

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Speaker 2: Well, you're only seven hundred meters off getting the five ks, that's.

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Speaker 1: Right, And then I just have to get myself used

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Speaker 1: to conditions to actually running five k's. And she said

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Speaker 1: not to do it every day.

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Speaker 2: Hey, Melissa, thanks for the great tip. I know that

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Speaker 2: David listens to the podcast daily, so it's nice to

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Speaker 2: have some high quality coaching to help Kylie to get

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Speaker 2: to her ten k.

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Speaker 1: You know, if it wasn't for Alyssa, I actually would

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Speaker 1: never have started running, and I probably would never have

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Speaker 1: believed I was capable of doing it. And whenever I

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Speaker 1: feel like I'm just not getting there, a quick phone

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Speaker 1: call to her and she just bumps up my motivation

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Speaker 1: and my belief.

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Speaker 2: What I love about this conversation is we're talking really

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Speaker 2: about refilling our kids' joy tanks in this podcast. But

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Speaker 2: you were feeling when we started the conversation a couple

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Speaker 2: of minutes ago, and there's life in you again, and

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Speaker 2: there's a reason for it. And it ties in with

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Speaker 2: one of the six things that I want to share

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Speaker 2: to help our kids to be happier, which I'll get

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Speaker 2: back to shortly, but let's talk about this idea. I mean,

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Speaker 2: our kids, they go through a lot. I've got that

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Speaker 2: great quote in the front of Misconnection, the book that

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Speaker 2: I wrote about teenage girls, Misconnection, Why your teenage daughter

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Speaker 2: hates you, expects the world and needs to talk. The

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Speaker 2: quote comes from Harry Potter and The Cursed Child, and

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Speaker 2: it's Draco Malfoy speaking to Harry, and he says, people

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Speaker 2: say parenting is the hardest job. It's not growing up

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Speaker 2: is growing up is. And our kids sometimes they really struggle.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes they're not that happy. And while we can't make

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Speaker 2: our children happy, we can't make anyone anything. They have

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Speaker 2: to choose it for themselves. There are certain things that

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Speaker 2: we can do to create conditions where happiness comes to

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Speaker 2: them much more easily. We're actually dealing at the moment

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Speaker 2: with one child who has always been a little bit anxious.

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Speaker 2: But frankly, I think that there's a lot more going

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Speaker 2: on at the moment for her, and we have tried

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Speaker 2: to quote unquote make her happy. We're trying to refill

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Speaker 2: her joy tank and we can't. And this is a

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Speaker 2: really hard thing for parents to know and understand, is

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Speaker 2: that sometimes you cannot make your child happy. You can

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Speaker 2: facilitate all of the right conditions. You can do everything

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Speaker 2: to make it easy for them to be happy if

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Speaker 2: they will choose it. But sometimes, no matter how much

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Speaker 2: you do, they will intentionally choose misery.

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Speaker 1: There's probably a little bit of a side tangent, but

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Speaker 1: I think this is where emotional intelligence is so important,

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Speaker 1: helping our children to actually recognize the emotions that they're

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Speaker 1: feeling and giving them the space to go through it

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Speaker 1: as well. You know, if our children are sad, trying

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Speaker 1: to fill their joy tank and that sad space without

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Speaker 1: actually allowing them to flow through that in an appropriate

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Speaker 1: way is actually probably in some ways more damaging.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so tomorrow and older better Tomorrow. I'm going to

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Speaker 2: share something where I completely blew it around that just

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Speaker 2: a little teaser. You can hear about the parenting expert

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Speaker 2: getting it totally wrong and how you came to the rescue.

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Speaker 2: But let's talk about what we can do to facilitate

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Speaker 2: an environment where kids can be happy, recognizing that sometimes

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Speaker 2: if your child has anxiety or depression, if your child's

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Speaker 2: being bullied, if there are things going on in your

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Speaker 2: child's life, sometimes you can't make them happy. But if

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Speaker 2: we want to refill their joy tanks. I have six,

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Speaker 2: six ideas.

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Speaker 1: I wonder if they're the same as mine.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I didn't know you had a list. I thought

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Speaker 2: it was just my list today. What's your list?

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Speaker 1: Let's go with you first, Just listen, I'll add all right.

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Speaker 2: Okay, fine, Well my first one is that we need

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Speaker 2: to actually understand the sources of joy that they experience,

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Speaker 2: Like we need to know our children well enough to

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Speaker 2: know what lights them up, to see where they find delight,

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Speaker 2: what their sources of flow are, like you know that

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Speaker 2: thing where you lose track of time, you just get

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Speaker 2: so absorbed in what you're doing. If we understand our

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Speaker 2: children's sources of joy, like some kids, We've got a

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Speaker 2: couple of kids for whom quiet contentment is pure bliss

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Speaker 2: for them. And we also have a couple of children

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Speaker 2: who seek active thrills.

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Speaker 1: Like climbing on top of the roof, Like climbing on

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Speaker 1: at what time was that that she did that?

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Speaker 2: Like ten o'clock, ten thirty at night with her friends?

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Speaker 2: Just the other night, I was like, what are you

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Speaker 2: doing on the roof in the rain at ten thirty

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Speaker 2: at night? Talking about possums on the roof my goodness,

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Speaker 2: but when.

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Speaker 1: It sounded like elephants, believe you me.

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Speaker 2: So we need to understand our children's sources of joy,

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Speaker 2: what actually does light them up?

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Speaker 1: I think sometimes one of the challenges we have is

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Speaker 1: that sometimes our children actually don't know what their source

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Speaker 1: of joy is.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but we do. Like you can tell when your

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Speaker 2: children are alive. I say the word alive, as in

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Speaker 2: when they're vital and vibrant, even if the kids because

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Speaker 2: you say what makes you happy and the kids look.

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Speaker 1: But you know, as a parent, as a parent, I

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Speaker 1: can definitely recognize and see when my kids are in

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Speaker 1: that flow state and they're happy. But sometimes it takes

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Speaker 1: children a little while to work out what that is.

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Speaker 1: And as parents, you know, facilitating opportunities for a wide

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Speaker 1: range of activities is so important if you've got a

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Speaker 1: child like that who just hasn't found their happy space.

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Speaker 1: We've had children who wanted to play different instruments but

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Speaker 1: started playing those instruments and didn't actually really enjoy them,

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Speaker 1: but then have found the instrument that they wanted. But

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Speaker 1: it takes time sometimes even as an adult, now you

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Speaker 1: know you likes an interest change over time?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, okay, So what you're saying is sometimes to

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Speaker 2: find what it is that's going to bring them joy

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Speaker 2: or flow, there's going to need to be some experimentation. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and you're not going to experiment hardcore with a three year.

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Speaker 1: Old, No, definitely not. I'm thinking back to the conversation

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Speaker 1: we had with your mum around twins and kind of

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Speaker 1: giving them experiences that were individual and just that acknowledgments.

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Speaker 1: You know, we've done it so many times. We've got

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Speaker 1: this many children. They're all going to do this activity

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Speaker 1: because that's all I have the capacity to do. Get

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Speaker 1: from A to B with all of them, and they

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Speaker 1: can all participate. But some of the children flourished in

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Speaker 1: that situation and some of them didn't.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Yeah. It feels like in some ways there's

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Speaker 2: a bit of pressure on us as parents to help

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Speaker 2: our kids to find this. I mean, you're right, I

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Speaker 2: don't disagree at all with what you're saying, But there

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Speaker 2: are easier things that we can do as well. And

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Speaker 2: after the break, we're going to talk about those five things.

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Speaker 2: Get curious, not furious, be where your feeder mistakes lead

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Speaker 2: to mastery, high emotions, low intelligence. Have you ever heard

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Speaker 2: these or any of the other principles I share and

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Speaker 2: thought I need to stick that on my wall. Well

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Speaker 2: now you can. The Happy Family team has pulled out

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Speaker 2: the best justinisms for a five mini posters, perfect for

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Speaker 2: your home or even the classroom, and easy to grab

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Speaker 2: at happy families dot com dot I you.

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers now, and I'm guessing

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Speaker 1: you've got some answers.

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Speaker 2: So if we want to help our children to find joy,

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Speaker 2: we can do it by seeking extracurricular activities and try

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Speaker 2: to enrich their lives and do all the things that

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Speaker 2: we were talking about before the break which are useful

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Speaker 2: and helpful, and research shows that they can really move

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Speaker 2: the needle for our kids in terms of their development

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Speaker 2: and the life and light that they experience.

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Speaker 1: I'm not actually talking about extracurricula though, By the way,

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Speaker 1: your children might be creative, but they haven't found the

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Speaker 1: creative source. We've got a child who now paints incredibly well,

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Speaker 1: but as a young child, I never give her, you know,

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Speaker 1: kind of significant scope with painting.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but she'll lose herself for days in a picture,

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Speaker 2: won't she.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, But it's just about providing different mediums for our

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Speaker 1: kids to play with. Maybe your kid doesn't love playing

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Speaker 1: with Lego, but they actually absolutely get stuck on that

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Speaker 1: mobolo stuff.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, the magnetic sort of things. Yeah, yeah, fair enough,

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Speaker 2: do you know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: Like, we kind of work with what we're comfortable with,

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Speaker 1: only to realize that there's a myriad of other opportunities

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Speaker 1: out there in that same area that we can do

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Speaker 1: within our own home.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I said, I've got six things, but you

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Speaker 2: just give me a seventh, and that is a creativity.

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Speaker 2: Creativity makes people happy. We don't always want to be

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Speaker 2: creative in the same ways. We've got one daughter who

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Speaker 2: loves art and she also loves to write songs. We've

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Speaker 2: got another daughter who to be creative in her writing,

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Speaker 2: like just wants to write and journal and create. We

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Speaker 2: have crafty kids. That's the great thing with six kids, right,

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Speaker 2: you discover that everyone has a different way of expressing

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Speaker 2: their creativity. I look at how you're creative versus how

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Speaker 2: I'm creative. It's a wonderful way to find flow and

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Speaker 2: find joys to do things that are creative. We're going

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Speaker 2: to run out of time if you keep on interrupting me,

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Speaker 2: though I'm supposed to be the expert here, not you,

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Speaker 2: missus corson.

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Speaker 1: I haven't said anything.

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Speaker 2: So the second thing that I wanted to highlight if

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Speaker 2: we want to help our children to refill their joy

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Speaker 2: tanks is connection. Connection is at the heart of well being. Connection, connection, Connection.

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Speaker 2: I've been watching as one of our older daughters has

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Speaker 2: just moved back home after having a couple of months

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Speaker 2: away from us because we were in the process of

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Speaker 2: moving up here and she was working in Brisbane. And

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Speaker 2: I've watched the way she's connected with the sisters, and

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Speaker 2: while there's occasional conflict and far too much control in

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Speaker 2: moments here and there, overall they've had so much fun connecting,

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Speaker 2: going for walks, playing card games, reading, doing activities, the

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Speaker 2: connection has lit them up. And I just think connection, connection,

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Speaker 2: connection with siblings or with friends, having playdates. I know

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Speaker 2: now I want to pause on playdates for a second.

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Speaker 2: You hate playdates.

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Speaker 1: No, that's not true.

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Speaker 2: You hate organizing playdates. You hate ringing people and saying, hey,

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Speaker 2: can our kids get together?

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Speaker 1: I hate ringing people I don't know and don't have

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Speaker 1: a relationship with that're asking.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, okay, So there's the and I've spoken with

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Speaker 2: a lot of parents over the last few years who

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Speaker 2: have highlighted a genuine level of anxiety that they experience

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Speaker 2: when they have to reach out to another parent, say

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Speaker 2: can our kids get together, especially when they don't know

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Speaker 2: them well. It's one thing when they know them well,

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Speaker 2: but when the sense of connection is weak, it's a

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Speaker 2: really big thing. What I want to emphasize is that

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Speaker 2: connection brings joy.

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Speaker 1: But sometimes it's not even about anxiety. As a young

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Speaker 1: mom with multiple children in the I don't have time

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Speaker 1: to sit down with a new mum that I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to build a relationship with so that our kids can

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Speaker 1: have a two hour playdate while I've got other children

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Speaker 1: different ages that require my time and attention, or the

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Speaker 1: dinner needs to be put on. And you would always suggest, well,

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Speaker 1: why don't you see if they can go and play

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Speaker 1: at their house? And then I'm asking another young mum

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Speaker 1: who's got multiple children to have my child, and it

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Speaker 1: feels like I'm asking her to babysit my child.

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Speaker 2: So it does make it tricky, and yet connection is

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Speaker 2: so important. I will say, though, in my defense, marginally,

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Speaker 2: that once the kids are getting together and playing you

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Speaker 2: usually get a whole lot more done because the kids

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Speaker 2: are happy, they're not clinging to you. And yeah, but in.

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Speaker 1: New relationships usually parents aren't going to just drop their

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Speaker 1: child or showplace, so then you are involved in that dialogue,

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Speaker 1: which obviously over time in riches, but as a time

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Speaker 1: for parent often it feels just it's just another thing

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Speaker 1: we have to add to the list.

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Speaker 2: And you've just reminded me of some research that I

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Speaker 2: read last week. To create an adult friendship, researchers believe

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Speaker 2: that it takes about thirty hours of time together before

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Speaker 2: you at a point where you might call it a

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Speaker 2: casual friendship where you know the person well enough to

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Speaker 2: give them a call, send them a text and say, hey,

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Speaker 2: here's what's going on, or do you want to get together,

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Speaker 2: And it takes fifty hours to have what would be

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Speaker 2: considered a strong friendship. That's a lot of time together,

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Speaker 2: especially when you're a stressed out, tired over at young

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Speaker 2: mum or dad who just wants the kids to play,

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Speaker 2: but you don't have to, like thirty hours, that's a

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Speaker 2: lot of time.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's interesting when you look at that and you

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Speaker 1: kind of think, well, I've got friends over here, that

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Speaker 1: I meet at playgroup, but you'll generally only catch up

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Speaker 1: with them at playgroup because your relationship is still so new,

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Speaker 1: And yes, you gravitate to them at playgroup, but you

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Speaker 1: still haven't branched out of that playgroup situation.

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Speaker 2: A lot of pressure, and yet I still have to

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Speaker 2: stand by this if we want to refill our kids

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Speaker 2: joy tanks. It's all about connection, connection with friends, whether

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Speaker 2: it's play dates or it's at the park, even if

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Speaker 2: it comes at a cost to us.

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Speaker 1: I didn't actually tell you how I actually managed to

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Speaker 1: push myself to do the four case. I saw another

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Speaker 1: lady who was running, and she was running parallel with

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Speaker 1: me between the car parks, and I could tell she

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Speaker 1: was running about my speed, right, and so we verged

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Speaker 1: onto the same path at one point, and so we

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Speaker 1: were running side by side, and I just happened to

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Speaker 1: be listening to bon jovis, Oh, we're halfway there, take

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Speaker 1: my hand.

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Speaker 2: Listen to bon Jovi? Why do you listening to bon jo?

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Speaker 1: Got an oldies track and I'll put it together for me,

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Speaker 1: And it's the perfect mix. It's just a really good,

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Speaker 1: steady rhythm.

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Speaker 2: It can't be the perfect mix of us. Got John

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Speaker 2: bon Jovi on it.

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Speaker 1: But anyway, anyway, we're halfway there. And I was about

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Speaker 1: halfway along my track and so I pulled my headphones

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Speaker 1: out and I looked around and I said, I'm listening

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Speaker 1: to Bonjovi and he told me we're halfway there?

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Speaker 2: Are we there?

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Speaker 1: Are? We're halfway there?

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Speaker 2: And she's one to know where you're going, right.

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Speaker 1: But we ended up having a conversation and for me

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Speaker 1: just having that human to human connection. Yes, actually added

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Speaker 1: pep to my step and I actually that's how I

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Speaker 1: ran further than I've ever run.

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Speaker 2: I love it. Okay, So I've got seven things to

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Speaker 2: get through and we're at the second one already. Do

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Speaker 2: you think we should finish this next week? Oh?

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Speaker 1: You're so funny? Are you going to talk about music

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Speaker 1: and dancing?

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Speaker 2: Let me make that number eight music end? All right?

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Speaker 2: Come on, what's summer three? You know what our times are.

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Speaker 2: We need to wrap it up here. So we're going

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Speaker 2: to finish this conversation next week refilling our kids joy tanks.

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Speaker 2: At this point, what we've discovered is that Klytie's going

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Speaker 2: to do a ten k in New Zealand at the

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Speaker 2: end of the year. We've all We've also discovered that

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Speaker 2: we need to understand the sources of joy that our

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Speaker 2: children experience and that we can't make them happy. We've

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Speaker 2: talked about the importance of finding flow and the power

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Speaker 2: of connection. So in our next podcast next Monday, which

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Speaker 2: was supposed to be our book club podcast, missus Happy

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Speaker 2: Families that I'm so excited about because.

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Speaker 1: You haven't finished reading your book. That's the only reason

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Speaker 1: you're doing this.

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Speaker 2: What we'll do is we'll postpone the book club podcast

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Speaker 2: for an extra couple of days so I can finish

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Speaker 2: the book that I'm reading and then I slack, and

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Speaker 2: then we'll talk instead about these other ways that we

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Speaker 2: can refill our kids' joy tanks. Okay, that's all coming up.

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Speaker 1: I know that wasn't the plan, but I actually think

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Speaker 1: that this is a really important topic when you think

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Speaker 1: about all of the stresses that families are going through

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Speaker 1: at the moment, refilling our joy cup.

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Speaker 2: I'm talking about a tank here.

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Speaker 1: Tank.

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Speaker 2: A tank is much bigger than a carp and we

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Speaker 2: need to refill the whole thing. You know. What I

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Speaker 2: also appreciate about our conversation today is that it hasn't

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Speaker 2: gone the way that we thought it would, but you've

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Speaker 2: pushed back against some of my ideas and you've clarified

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Speaker 2: them and shared really useful insights, and that's why this

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Speaker 2: podcast is here. So, folks, we hope that you've really

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Speaker 2: enjoyed the podcast today. We hope that it's giving you

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Speaker 2: some ideas, some food for thought, something to resonate to

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Speaker 2: and tomorrow I'll do better tomorrow where we are where

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Speaker 2: I gosh, where I get to highlight the big mistake

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Speaker 2: that I made. Gosh, I'm not looking forward to that one,

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Speaker 2: but you can look forward to it because the parenting

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Speaker 2: expert gets it wrong with some level of frequency. Happy

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Speaker 2: Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.

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Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. We so appreciate that

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Speaker 2: you listen to the podcast. Thanks for being here. If

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Speaker 2: you want more and if I about making your family happier,

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Speaker 2: check it out at Happy families dot com today