Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 1: I'm Laura and I'm Brittany, and you guys already know,
Speaker 1: but today we've mixed it up a little bit. This
Speaker 1: is not Ask Uncut like you come here for on
Speaker 1: a Thursday. This is our Tuesday episode, just to really
Speaker 1: throw a stunner in the works. I think they're probably
Speaker 1: used to the little mix up.
Speaker 2: Now I've had to do it all like, it's not
Speaker 2: like it's surprise I'm mixing it up. It's like this
Speaker 2: is just stand in last my fuck. We don't know
Speaker 2: what these girls are going to pull out of the
Speaker 2: heart this week. Every week something new. No, we did
Speaker 2: have to mix it up this week. If you listen
Speaker 2: to Tuesday's episode, you'll know that we were fully prepped
Speaker 2: and ready to go with our juicy episode and another
Speaker 2: I guess competing podcast did the same episode. They obviously
Speaker 2: bugged the studio and got in first, so we had
Speaker 2: to change our style for the week.
Speaker 1: It's actually it's really interesting we have now like this
Speaker 1: this topic that we were going to do for this
Speaker 1: week's episode. We were originally going to talk about busy
Speaker 1: and like the psychology of being busy and like, how
Speaker 1: it's something that we shouldn't be glorifying, but now it's everywhere. Yeah. Literally,
Speaker 1: Like I even sent Britt another article that was written
Speaker 1: by a completely different publication yesterday, and I was like,
Speaker 1: why is everyone talking about being busy now.
Speaker 2: In the same week. We wanted to drop it, but
Speaker 2: I also.
Speaker 1: Think it's because it's that time of year where like
Speaker 1: there's so much going on and everyone feels like they're
Speaker 1: just stretched the absolute limits when they should be enjoying themselves.
Speaker 1: So I think it was very relatable. Anyway, we decided
Speaker 1: to scrap it, put it on whold. We'll do it
Speaker 1: at another point in time and we'll kind of flush
Speaker 1: it out a bit differently. But like we mentioned on
Speaker 1: Tuesday's episode, today's episode is going to be all about
Speaker 1: conflict resolution. Actually it's really sexy, guys, It's a sexy,
Speaker 1: sexy topic. I did have to do.
Speaker 2: Some quizzes and did a lot of research where it
Speaker 2: was like, what's your conflict style in a relationship? And
Speaker 2: I was like, can you just ask me what my
Speaker 2: conflict style is? Full stop? Why does that have to
Speaker 2: be in a relation because I haven't done that for
Speaker 2: a long time.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I read over the notes that Britt made for this
Speaker 2: today's episode and it was all about at work, and
Speaker 2: I'm like, Brit, it's got to be about relationships, and.
Speaker 1: She was like why, I don't fucking know.
Speaker 2: I was like, can we relate it to like work
Speaker 2: and love, like some people just have work?
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: But the thing is with the conflict resolution and what
Speaker 2: we will speak about, it's relevant to all aspects of
Speaker 2: your life. It is your relationships, it is your friends,
Speaker 2: it is your work colleagues, it's your family, it's all situations.
Speaker 2: It's how you just deal with the stress. But it
Speaker 2: doesn't matter. It's not just relationships, So we want to
Speaker 2: make that really clear. It's for everybody in every aspect
Speaker 2: of life.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about that later before we get into the episode.
Speaker 1: I did see something on the Facebook group which I
Speaker 1: want to bring up with you guys because it's so
Speaker 1: wholesome and it is so funny, and I know that
Speaker 1: Brit hasn't seen it yet, so I really want to
Speaker 1: share it with you. Okay, one of our listeners had
Speaker 1: posted her Tinder text chat with this guy. So he
Speaker 1: started off the Tinder chat with two truths, one lie
Speaker 1: and I don't know what the first one was because
Speaker 1: it kind of like starts a little bit down like
Speaker 1: where she screenshot the chat from, starts a little bit
Speaker 1: further down the list. But she's like, I think you're
Speaker 1: not related to Keith Urban, so that was obviously the
Speaker 1: one that was a lie. And he's like, haha, good guest.
Speaker 1: You get today's mystery prize. You can choose between a
Speaker 1: wheelbarrow ride around Adelaide to see all the wonderful sights
Speaker 1: and all the wonderful people, or a bowl of corn
Speaker 1: flakes with yesterday's milk in it. And she rides back
Speaker 1: and says, well, that's easy, I'll take the wheelbarrow ride,
Speaker 1: and he's like, good choice, because I already ate the
Speaker 1: corn flakes for breakfast, so I would have been awkward
Speaker 1: if you chose that. Anyway. The reason why this is
Speaker 1: so funny is because she showed up for the.
Speaker 2: Date and the guy brought a wheelbarrow and wheelbarrow lane.
Speaker 1: My god. Yes, her name is Tegan. She's posted this
Speaker 1: on the Facebook group and she has kept us updated
Speaker 1: along the date as well, so there's like videos of
Speaker 1: her sitting in the wheelbarrow and having a ride around.
Speaker 1: I love them.
Speaker 2: We're at the point that not only do you, guys
Speaker 2: as they're happening send us, you are accidentally unfiltered. It's like,
Speaker 2: whilst your most embarrassing moments happening, you're like riding to us.
Speaker 2: I love that now you are. I'm streaming your dates
Speaker 2: to our Facebook group, Tigan.
Speaker 1: If you're listening to this. I want to be updated
Speaker 1: constantly about this relationship. Where's it going. I know you're
Speaker 1: having a second date coming up, but I'm fully emotionally
Speaker 1: invested in this now and I need to be kept
Speaker 1: along the journey.
Speaker 2: Yeah, any of this stuff, we need to know how
Speaker 2: it ends, guys. And also you are aware that if
Speaker 2: you get married, you're gonna have to go down the
Speaker 2: aisle in a wheelbarrow, and.
Speaker 1: You're also gonna have to invite us a dear. Anyway,
Speaker 1: tell me what's been happening with you, Brett. I like
Speaker 1: that somebody else's story is the highlight of my week.
Speaker 1: Like that's what I brought to the table for, like
Speaker 1: what's been happening in my world.
Speaker 2: So let's talk about last week because we didn't talk
Speaker 2: about it on Tuesday because we saved it for this week.
Speaker 2: Last week I took a few days off. You guys
Speaker 2: know that. That's why Maddie and Laura did the episode together.
Speaker 2: And I was like, I'm going to take three days off.
Speaker 2: I'm going up to the Gold Coast to see my
Speaker 2: brother and my nephew and my niece and who I
Speaker 2: haven't seen in a year. I'd lined up a date
Speaker 2: on the Gold Coast. I was like, I was going
Speaker 2: to get you the stories. I was going to live
Speaker 2: my best life. And then day one, boom, I got appendicitis,
Speaker 2: and I was like, fuck you, Universe, give me a
Speaker 2: fucking break anyway, So I got appendicitis.
Speaker 1: I had to cancel my day. I couldn't.
Speaker 2: I didn't even write back to him, and he was like, ah,
Speaker 2: so like we still doing this and I was like, oh, sos,
Speaker 2: I've had a pendicitis, Like no, I can't see you.
Speaker 1: And he would have absolutely thought that you made that up.
Speaker 1: That's such an unbelievable excuse. Hey, Surrey, couldn't get back
Speaker 1: to you. I hadn't had an appendicitis. I'm a thirty
Speaker 1: year old with an appendicitis. Is The funny thing is
Speaker 1: it's true.
Speaker 2: I know it sounds like the most made up excuse ever,
Speaker 2: but I was like, curl If anyone's had a pendicitis,
Speaker 2: you like curl over in pain. It is it's like
Speaker 2: someone's stabbing you in the stomach. So when a pendicitis hits,
Speaker 2: it's not necessarily it doesn't come in at one hundred percent.
Speaker 2: He comes in slowly, like you start to get the pains.
Speaker 2: Then the next days after is when it gets worse.
Speaker 1: So day one, I was in bed, curled up.
Speaker 2: It hit me at nighttime and I was like, oh
Speaker 2: my god, I've had a pendicitis before three years ago.
Speaker 2: So I was like, this is going to be a pendicitist.
Speaker 2: I can tell. And Sherry and Jay came in and
Speaker 2: they were like, we're going all of us, like we're
Speaker 2: going to went wild today.
Speaker 1: Jay's never bin and.
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, I've got a pandicidis.
Speaker 1: I can't go.
Speaker 2: Like, oh, well, you just stay home, and I was
Speaker 2: like no, I had so much pomo. So I went
Speaker 2: to went wild with a pendicitis. I was going down
Speaker 2: the slide like holding my groin, rolling around then that
Speaker 2: was the one thing I got to do. Then it
Speaker 2: got too bad and I just had to sit around
Speaker 2: at home. That was my week guys, I wish I
Speaker 2: could come back and tell you about hot sexy dates,
Speaker 2: et cetera.
Speaker 1: But you're a pendicitus, did you dirty?
Speaker 2: By pandizes to be bloody dirty if it happens again,
Speaker 2: so I didn't have to take it out.
Speaker 1: This is the reason why you're single, That's it, the
Speaker 1: only reason. Yes, it's your a pandemic. She just get
Speaker 1: that shit removed and get on with your dating life. Yeah, fully,
Speaker 1: but that's it. Just so you guys know, Brittany's just
Speaker 1: taken her top off and she's sitting here in her
Speaker 1: undies and her bra recording this episode. She just was like,
Speaker 1: I'm so hot. I hope that you're okay with this.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna take this off. She's literally nude, and
Speaker 1: I'm just here pregnant with my hairy belly flopping around
Speaker 1: on the floor like a whale. I was like sweating,
Speaker 1: I'm so hot.
Speaker 2: I think we're at that stage now where we can
Speaker 2: record nude.
Speaker 1: Yeah, great, perfect, I'm gonna not record nude. You don't
Speaker 1: want to see this, no one does. But anyway, I
Speaker 1: had something really funny happened to me yesterday. So have
Speaker 1: you heard of the Instagram celeb Spellcheck correct. Okay, if
Speaker 1: you guys, if you haven't heard of celeb spellcheck, go
Speaker 1: and follow him. It's a private account so you have
Speaker 1: to request it. But it's very funny. Basically, celeb spell
Speaker 1: Check is they just take the piece of celebs. They
Speaker 1: absolutely take the piss out of celebs or dealers celebs.
Speaker 1: You know, I don't think that we could. I don't
Speaker 1: think Britain I can collect claim celebs say so. Basically
Speaker 1: they hold people's terrible spelling accountable, which is pretty funny.
Speaker 1: But also like when celebrities do things which are a
Speaker 1: little bit like questionable, they also seem to post and
Speaker 1: they're just so on the ball. It's really really funny.
Speaker 1: So much to my surprise yesterday when I get tagged
Speaker 1: in a post that's been put on celeb spellcheck. Oh
Speaker 1: god what Okay? So I get tagged in this post
Speaker 1: and it is a photo of a Vinnie like a
Speaker 1: Savage Army or a Vinnis, And there are two Christmas
Speaker 1: stockings hanging up in this Vinnie's with like four dollar
Speaker 1: price tags on them. One says Buster on it and
Speaker 1: one says Marley May on it. And celeb Spellcheck has
Speaker 1: fully fucking busted me. So basically the post says, if
Speaker 1: you also have a child named Marley May and a
Speaker 1: dog named Buster, it's your lucky day. Get your hands
Speaker 1: on unwanted Christmas freebies kindly donated by at Lady and
Speaker 1: a cat to the local Vinnis. And then it is
Speaker 1: just so many people trolling me in the comments section.
Speaker 1: But I just want to say, I have literally never
Speaker 1: seen these stockings before. Who's gonna want your stocking?
Speaker 2: You think that someone's gonna want your stocking, it's a
Speaker 2: probably with your family's names.
Speaker 1: What I think has happened is that my shop, Tony
Speaker 1: May is directly next door to a Vinnie's, So I
Speaker 1: think that a delivery that was supposed to be sent
Speaker 1: to me at Tony May has accidentally been given to
Speaker 1: the Vinis next door, and they've just unpacked it and
Speaker 1: put it on the shelves. Because I've literally never seen
Speaker 1: these stockings before. And also I'm not dumb enough to
Speaker 1: put stuff that has my kid's name on it in
Speaker 1: the vinnie that's next door to my shop. I would
Speaker 1: just put it in the bin. Guys.
Speaker 2: That reminds me of last week when I accidentally gave
Speaker 2: a Christmas present to my cousin that was embroidered with Brittany.
Speaker 2: This just makes me seem like such an ungrateful influenza,
Speaker 2: like some brand has sent me this. And there are
Speaker 2: certain things that you just don't give to a Viny's
Speaker 2: in live and they are things that are embroidered with
Speaker 2: your family's name.
Speaker 1: There's also now a Daily Mail article that's come out
Speaker 1: about it, which just makes me sound like is such
Speaker 1: a pop person. Anyway, Alisa didn't end up in a
Speaker 1: landfill here. I am just trying to do the right
Speaker 1: thing by the environment, regift my gifts, and I'm getting
Speaker 1: flak for it. So this actually reminds me. Have you seen?
Speaker 2: And I feel really sorry for what's going around the
Speaker 2: media at the moment, at least Nols. I've seen the
Speaker 2: poor girl's being trolled, and I do feally sorry for her.
Speaker 1: Long story short, I love her.
Speaker 2: She's not the greatest speller, and she often makes spelling mistakes,
Speaker 2: which is fine, like who cares? But there are so
Speaker 2: many celebrity sites like this spell chack. And there is
Speaker 2: one person in particular called the Fat Jewish who has
Speaker 2: like twenty million followers. He got a hold of one
Speaker 2: of Elsa's posts. So basically has taken a photo of
Speaker 2: herself on the bed and she's gone to write the
Speaker 2: French word vola, which we all know starts with what
Speaker 2: we don't all know, but well clearly we don't all know.
Speaker 2: That's the whole point of the story. It starts with
Speaker 2: a v woola. Alise obviously doesn't know that, and she's
Speaker 2: written at wawlah wolla cute fine, like.
Speaker 1: Who knows how to spell that?
Speaker 2: It's the hardest word to spell anyway, like would you
Speaker 2: be able to spell of Laura Celeb spellcheck screenshot at it,
Speaker 2: and then it ended up on the Fat Jewish and
Speaker 2: then it just went viral.
Speaker 1: And so here's this photo of poor Elise Knowles with
Speaker 1: the caption.
Speaker 2: Wola apparently actually something in Arabic or something. But I
Speaker 2: feel really sorry for it because she's been trolled over it,
Speaker 2: and guys like, if someone makes a spelling mistake, who cares?
Speaker 1: I don't think it means we need to drag them
Speaker 1: through the mud. Also, shout out to all.
Speaker 2: These people overseas. There are so many people overseas is
Speaker 2: writing Oh what more.
Speaker 1: Could you expect from Australians. They're all uneducated.
Speaker 2: I think it's so interesting to see how the world
Speaker 2: looks at Australia. I watched something else. Oh I'm on
Speaker 2: a roll now. I watched something last week where there
Speaker 2: was a quiz show in America America and the question
Speaker 2: was what and you got eliminated if you didn't get
Speaker 2: the question right. The question was what language do they
Speaker 2: speak in Australia And everyone was like, oh great, why
Speaker 2: does he get the easy question because now he can
Speaker 2: stay in the competition and he goes, oh easy Dutch.
Speaker 1: Wow. I remember when I had a exchange student come
Speaker 1: and stay with me when I was like maybe fifteen
Speaker 1: or fourteen, and she was from America and she we
Speaker 1: were on the train, we were going down to Kyama
Speaker 1: to have a beautiful day, and she was like, you know,
Speaker 1: it's so funny how like English and Australian are so
Speaker 1: close together. And I was like, what do you mean
Speaker 1: and she's like, well, obviously, like you speak Australian, but
Speaker 1: then like English people speak English, but the language is
Speaker 1: so similar. And I was like, bitch, you a crack,
Speaker 1: Like what are you talking about. I was like, well,
Speaker 1: we speak English here and she was like, no, you
Speaker 1: speak Australian couldn't convince. It could not convince, so really common.
Speaker 1: But also, okay, will you say that, like people stereotype
Speaker 1: Australians is being dumb because we have that whole like
Speaker 1: outback country hickfield thing going on, but we're now also
Speaker 1: stereotyping other people to say, well that they think that
Speaker 1: Australians are umb as well. I don't think that it's
Speaker 1: like a blanket rule. I just think that there's always
Speaker 1: some outliers from all over the place. But going back
Speaker 1: to Elice Knowles, I mean I think we care too
Speaker 1: much about grammar. There's always the grammar police on Instagram,
Speaker 1: there's always the grammar police who are on Facebook. I
Speaker 1: think that we're so quick to like judge and pick
Speaker 1: and like when somebody comes up with like really good
Speaker 1: rebuttal to an argument, but then they've written they're wrong.
Speaker 1: They've written like t H E R instead of tre
Speaker 1: and the other person's response is like, well, maybe you
Speaker 1: could learn to spell first. It's just such a pathetic
Speaker 1: way of undercutting someone and like minimizing their argument to
Speaker 1: say like, well, because you've got one spelling mistake in
Speaker 1: your response, your complete argument is invalid.
Speaker 2: So I mean, I it is my favorite thing to
Speaker 2: do in like a text fight.
Speaker 1: I also do it as well.
Speaker 2: You're like if like when they write something like this
Speaker 2: big argument, like I'm talking privately, not like to cut
Speaker 2: them down, like if he was with a boyfriend or something.
Speaker 2: Imagine that if you're having that text fight with someone though,
Speaker 2: and they write like there instead of they are or
Speaker 2: something like that. The best thing that you can do
Speaker 2: back is you like ignore everything else in the text
Speaker 2: and you just do it where you recorrect it with asterix.
Speaker 2: It's like you just don't even need to write anything else.
Speaker 2: There's so much strength to It's such a power move,
Speaker 2: is it, though? Yeah, I fucking love it. But I
Speaker 2: wouldn't do it like I wouldn't do it publicly to
Speaker 2: someone to cut them down. I don't think like we
Speaker 2: all make spelling mistakes. I just think Elisee doesn't deserve this,
Speaker 2: So the moral of the stories don't add us.
Speaker 1: You think that Lisee doesn't deserve this. I don't think
Speaker 1: it's a big deal. Like I think it's funny. I
Speaker 1: think it's a funny spelling mistake. If I ended up
Speaker 1: on the fat Jewish because I had written Ala instead
Speaker 1: of wolla, I would laugh at it. I don't think
Speaker 1: I would take that to offense.
Speaker 2: That's fine, That is the funny thing. The thing that's
Speaker 2: bad is the hundreds of thousands of people trolling her
Speaker 2: like it's everywhere, and they're being nasty, like it's everywhere.
Speaker 1: That's the bit I'm not cool with.
Speaker 2: If I ended up on fat Jewish for a spelling
Speaker 2: mistake Loolcano, like, it would be so funny. It's what
Speaker 2: comes after that. It's like he sends an army of
Speaker 2: twenty million people to go one right or off.
Speaker 1: That you would end up on fad Jewish for saying
Speaker 1: shit like Lolcano. Let's be real, pick that up, fat Jewish. Anyway,
Speaker 1: let's get into some accidentally unfiltered Okay, I know that
Speaker 1: you have and I can't believe they said that, So
Speaker 1: you can kick it off. Brett.
Speaker 2: Okay, this is actually pretty cute and funny. Last week,
Speaker 2: this happened to someone I know. Last week on the
Speaker 2: Gold Coast when I was seeing my brother. My best
Speaker 2: friend of twenty eight years lives up there and she's
Speaker 2: got a little boy and little girl, and I haven't
Speaker 2: seen him in a long time. Anyway, we went up
Speaker 2: and he's her son is about four. She was going
Speaker 2: to the supermarket with him, and at the local supermarket
Speaker 2: there is someone that works there that is I'm going
Speaker 2: to actually say that he's a dwarf, but politically we
Speaker 2: don't say dwarf anymore. Just going to tell you that
Speaker 2: they're called little people. Anyway, there was a little person
Speaker 2: that worked there, and he's like, everyone knows him. My
Speaker 2: best friend knows him. She's always like, hey, low and stuff. Anyway,
Speaker 2: this particular day, she's like, I don't know why. My
Speaker 2: son walked straight up to him, looked at him in
Speaker 2: the eyes, looked at me and goes, mom, why is
Speaker 2: the baby wearing a watch? And then he goes she
Speaker 2: was like, lawson, she's awsen, that's enough, let's go. And
Speaker 2: she's like, also, why has the baby got a mustache?
Speaker 1: It's just so intense and insensitive to his face. And
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm dying for you. What did you do?
Speaker 2: And she's like, to be fair in his defense, she's like,
Speaker 2: I was mortified, like I wanted to die. But he
Speaker 2: was like it's fine, and he's like, that's the best
Speaker 2: thing I've had said to me in a long time.
Speaker 1: But you know what. I think we need to be
Speaker 1: more comfortable with kids saying things that are uncomfortable because like,
Speaker 1: the kids are going to do it, they don't have
Speaker 1: a filter, right, Whereas like I think it's the parents'
Speaker 1: response to that situation that makes it better or worse. So,
Speaker 1: like I think in that situation, if that was me,
Speaker 1: I would have said, actually, do you know what, He's
Speaker 1: not a baby. This is something you know, there's lots
Speaker 1: of different types of people in the world, and some people,
Speaker 1: you know, they're not as tall as other people, and
Speaker 1: some people have different types of abilities and disabilities, and
Speaker 1: I would try and explain it to make itsusive. Only
Speaker 1: know this from my own experience where I've worked with
Speaker 1: people who have disabilities, where it's like the embarrassment of
Speaker 1: the mum or the embarrassment of the parent is actually
Speaker 1: what amplifies the whole situation. Instead of saying, the reason
Speaker 1: why that person is sitting in a chair with wheels
Speaker 1: is because they can't walk, and there are lots of
Speaker 1: people who can't walk, and explaining that situation to a
Speaker 1: child so that they can grasp like what disability is
Speaker 1: is so important. The thing that bothers you in this
Speaker 1: situation is how they're going to feel at the time.
Speaker 1: She's like, I had this moment of panning where I
Speaker 1: was like, my son has just hurt this man's feelings.
Speaker 1: But he laughed.
Speaker 2: He was like, he's like, I'm grown up with my
Speaker 2: whole life like this.
Speaker 1: He's like, I think it's funny. It makes my day.
Speaker 1: She said. She's like that was my saving grace. How
Speaker 1: grat he was.
Speaker 2: She's like, I just can't believe the things that come
Speaker 2: out of kid's mouth.
Speaker 1: But I think that's the thing, right, Like the people
Speaker 1: who have these disabilities have grown up with it in
Speaker 1: their whole life. They're not embarrassed by it. So the
Speaker 1: only person who feels that embarrassment is the mum. Because
Speaker 1: it's an uncomfortable situation. But you can diffuse that. I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that it's easy to do, but it's definitely
Speaker 1: something that you can take agency over. I love how
Speaker 1: shit kids are. So the other day, my niece so,
Speaker 1: like my niece and my nephew, they all know that
Speaker 1: I'm pregnant, but I don't think that they've They've only
Speaker 1: ever seen me like wearing T shirts and stuff, so
Speaker 1: they've not really seen my belly. Then the other day
Speaker 1: I was at home and I took my took my
Speaker 1: top pop file was wearing a bikini and my niece
Speaker 1: comes over and she goes, why is your belly so fat?
Speaker 1: Like she was repulsed to buy it, and I was like,
Speaker 1: please just don't. I was like, this is what we're
Speaker 1: dealing with for a while now, darling, thank you, this
Speaker 1: is where the baby lives. They just have absolutely no filter.
Speaker 2: I mean, don't take offense. Kids have no idea. They're
Speaker 2: dumb dumps. Okay, I'm going to bring in accidentally unfiltered ladies.
Speaker 2: This is actually something I feel like you would do.
Speaker 1: I don't know why, ladies. I don't know if I'm
Speaker 1: going to be offended by this or not.
Speaker 2: Ladies, please come dig my grave for me. Yesterday I
Speaker 2: had to go to the physio for my dodgy hip.
Speaker 2: And for this appointment, I got one of the new physios. Now,
Speaker 2: let me tell you, he was gorgeous. I'm literally talking
Speaker 2: an eleven out of ten and he was so lovely
Speaker 2: as well. Anyway, I'm lying face down on my stomach
Speaker 2: and he's kind of like digging around my up hip
Speaker 2: flexer butt region doing some massaging. We're having a really
Speaker 2: nice chat while he's doing this, and suddenly, out of nowhere,
Speaker 2: I let off the most unsubtle, biggest, stinkiest fart I
Speaker 2: have ever done. He must've just he must have just
Speaker 2: poked the perfect spot to push it out. I couldn't
Speaker 2: even play it off as been any other noise either.
Speaker 2: I safe to say I won't be showing my face again. Now,
Speaker 2: hang on, This is all she wrote. I needed to
Speaker 2: know more, so I wrote, I was like, hang on, girl,
Speaker 2: you can't just come and say you fired on the
Speaker 2: hottest guy ever in a silent room and not tell
Speaker 2: me what happened.
Speaker 1: But also like, you can't downplay that like any other situation,
Speaker 1: Like if I far in a supermarket, I can blame
Speaker 1: or my kid. You can't downplay farting in your underwear
Speaker 1: getting your ass massaged by like a physio. It's nowhere
Speaker 1: to hide.
Speaker 2: You have to just you have to just look up
Speaker 2: and laugh and be like I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: Like you have to.
Speaker 2: And I was like, whoa girl, you can't drop that
Speaker 2: you fared on a hot guy and didn't say anything.
Speaker 1: What did you do? What did he do?
Speaker 2: Like? What was the situation I'm on the edge of
Speaker 2: my seat. She's like, literally, you could have heard a
Speaker 2: pin drop. Everything just went quiet for three seconds. He
Speaker 2: stopped massaging for a second and then we just paused.
Speaker 2: Then we just went on a day again. He's like,
Speaker 2: he just kept massaging and we kept talking like nothing happened.
Speaker 1: Something happened. I felt that need to address the elephant
Speaker 1: in the room because that is gonna linger as well.
Speaker 1: I will never forget the day. But also, you can't
Speaker 1: go back. No, yeah, you're done. The eleven Hotti is out.
Speaker 1: I'll never forget the day that one of my really
Speaker 1: close friends told me about how so she she'd met
Speaker 1: this guy and they were dating, and like she was
Speaker 1: really into him, and anyway, they had gotten intimate for
Speaker 1: like the first time, and he had gone down on
Speaker 1: her and she was like it was the best I
Speaker 1: had the best orgasm ever had in my life. He
Speaker 1: was amazing, and I was so relaxed, and all of
Speaker 1: a sudden, I accidentally farted in his face whilst he
Speaker 1: was going down on her, Like like a no, I
Speaker 1: don't think you can play them off. They smell particularly different.
Speaker 1: You're not strongy. Farted in his face whilst he was
Speaker 1: going down on her and she was like, I have
Speaker 1: no idea how it happened. I was just so relaxed.
Speaker 2: It felt like I'm so mortified. They don't I'm sorry, girl.
Speaker 2: They don't fall out. They don't just like fall out
Speaker 2: your bar. They can everyone's done a surprise far before.
Speaker 2: You've never done a surprise far whered that come from? No,
Speaker 2: I don't think it just falls out, you know what's coming.
Speaker 2: I think what happens sometimes is people think that they're
Speaker 2: going to be like small and cute, and like nobody
Speaker 2: thinks it's going to be small and cute when someone's
Speaker 2: face is between your legs, like, you don't take that risk, girlfriend,
Speaker 2: that was an accidental.
Speaker 1: Far How may people drop farts without knowing? Not that
Speaker 1: they don't know, it, just like can sometimes happen and
Speaker 1: then you're like, oh, I was expecting that. A few
Speaker 1: friends the other day.
Speaker 2: I'm not going to name the ame because I would
Speaker 2: never do that. It was so funny though, a few
Speaker 2: friends were all in the lungdry room sitting around just
Speaker 2: like having a chap and one of my friends just
Speaker 2: bent she dropped something. She bent down to pick it
Speaker 2: up and just let the biggest fart room and she's like, oh,
Speaker 2: She's like, I didn't know that was coming.
Speaker 1: I'm like, what the hell? Like this? What is wrong
Speaker 1: with all you people? They don't just come out without
Speaker 1: you knowing. You haven't had children yet. Stuff just happened
Speaker 1: that I sneeze an ape, I cough and ope, I
Speaker 1: laugh and ape. I leave this room after recording, and
Speaker 1: my pants are full of pee. Things just happened to
Speaker 1: my body they have no control over. I'm going to
Speaker 1: put that up on our Instagram poll. How many times
Speaker 1: have you accidentally farted without realizing until it happened?
Speaker 2: Yeah, there are so many of you out there. Don't
Speaker 2: leave me out here in the lamb. Now you need
Speaker 2: to phrase it. How many people let their farts slip out?
Speaker 1: I'm gonna just follow up with this story. They ended
Speaker 1: up dating for like five years. Well, he was like,
Speaker 1: I'm actually so happy that you feel so comfortable and
Speaker 1: relaxed around me. It was like the weirdest, most beautiful
Speaker 1: response that made me feel strange. Anyway, Okay, this morning,
Speaker 1: in my half awake state, I could hear some strange sounds.
Speaker 1: At first, I thought maybe he was coming from the
Speaker 1: TV downstairs, but I soon realized the noise was actually
Speaker 1: coming from my husband's bedside table. My husband had been
Speaker 1: watching YouTube the night before on his wireless headphones in bed,
Speaker 1: so I reach over. I grabbed the headphones and I
Speaker 1: hold them up to my ear and oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's this man moaning. Wait no, it's also a woman moaning.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, it's a man and a woman going
Speaker 2: at it over my husband's headphones. You guys, I realized
Speaker 2: my husband was downstairs in the shower watching pawn and
Speaker 2: he had no idea that I knew.
Speaker 1: He thought he was doing it silently. I go, sure.
Speaker 1: What makes this so funny is that he thought he
Speaker 1: was being super stealth by watching it with no sound on,
Speaker 1: but it was actually on full fucking blast, so loud
Speaker 1: that it woke me up. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2: But also this is like, I can't get my head
Speaker 2: around it yet because I'm not in a relationship anymore.
Speaker 2: Why would he leave his wife in bed and go
Speaker 2: down and says to listen to porn?
Speaker 1: Like, wouldn't you just roll over and have sex with
Speaker 1: your wife?
Speaker 2: Nah?
Speaker 1: Sometimes she can't be bothered, she has written here, I
Speaker 1: can't stop laughing thinking about it, you know, what it's
Speaker 1: like sometimes you just want to tickle the pickle all
Speaker 1: by yourself.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: Okay, she answered my question, but I think, okay, I
Speaker 1: love this. I laugh so hard when this came through.
Speaker 1: But I love it so much because I think every
Speaker 1: time we receive conversations around porn, and we receive conversations
Speaker 1: around like oh I saw my partner watching porn, or
Speaker 1: I discovered my partner watching porn, it's always in such
Speaker 1: a negative light. It's always like the person feels betrayed
Speaker 1: that they didn't know that their partner was watching porn.
Speaker 1: And I just love that this woman has written in
Speaker 1: and she can see the hilarity in it. She's not
Speaker 1: like offended or threatened by him going and doing it,
Speaker 1: and she's like, you know what, every so often you
Speaker 1: just gotta go and run one out yourself, and it's
Speaker 1: so okay. I don't think there's.
Speaker 2: Anything wrong with porn occasionally, Like I mean, I don't
Speaker 2: watch it personally, but I.
Speaker 1: Don't think you don't watch it ever. No, I'm not.
Speaker 1: I'm personally not into it. I never have been.
Speaker 2: I've watched it before with like old partners, but I've
Speaker 2: done it more for them, like it just doesn't do
Speaker 2: anything for me. I would rather think back and imagine
Speaker 2: something like a real situation.
Speaker 1: I'm too lazy. I prefer porn.
Speaker 2: But I think when we do get all these questions
Speaker 2: in about like people really offended that their partner's watching porn.
Speaker 2: I don't think there's anything wrong with it if it's
Speaker 2: once in a blue moon. The problem comes when it's
Speaker 2: all the time, in replacement of you every day and
Speaker 2: there's a proper addiction, When they're starting to think that
Speaker 2: normal sex isn't enough, that's when the problem comes. Anyway,
Speaker 2: we're not going to talk about that now. It's a
Speaker 2: whole other episode.
Speaker 1: That is actually a whole other episode. But you've never
Speaker 1: done an episode on porn through But I think that
Speaker 1: that's a good conversation because I do think that there's
Speaker 1: a lot of negative connotations around it. There's a lot
Speaker 1: of thread around it. But yeah, like you said, let's
Speaker 1: look get into it now. Just let Laura watch her
Speaker 1: porn in peace. That's what she wants. That's the message
Speaker 1: for her episode. Sometimes you got to tickle your pickle, guys.
Speaker 1: I do like pickles. So I have been really really
Speaker 1: looking forward to doing this episode because we did. We
Speaker 1: did what we did attachment styles, and we've done love
Speaker 1: languages in the past, And I feel like this conversation
Speaker 1: around conflict resolution and our conflict styles is kind of
Speaker 1: like the third phase in those conversations.
Speaker 2: Well, they all intertwined, don't they, Like they all have
Speaker 2: something to do with each other.
Speaker 1: I think they were so quick to talk about how
Speaker 1: our love languages define our relationship or how our attachment
Speaker 1: styles define our relationship. But I actually think genuinely what
Speaker 1: results in like a long term happy relationship is our
Speaker 1: ability to resolve conflict. Like I think conflict and our
Speaker 1: conflict resolution is so important in actually being able to
Speaker 1: maintain a long term happy relationship. And Britain and I
Speaker 1: have done so much research and unpacking this, and we've
Speaker 1: looked at a couple of different studies. We've also kind
Speaker 1: of broken down for this episode, what are the five
Speaker 1: different conflict styles and then also like what are the
Speaker 1: different types of fighting that we get into, Like you know,
Speaker 1: whether it's like passive aggressive, whether it's defensiveness, all these
Speaker 1: different character traits of how we deal with conflict and
Speaker 1: how we act in like a real nitty gritty way.
Speaker 1: We want to unpack all of that in this episode. So,
Speaker 1: I mean it sounds like a heavy one, but I'm
Speaker 1: sure we're playing the last and arguments that are a
Speaker 1: completely unavoidable part of every relationship. I think if you
Speaker 1: try and completely avoid them, you're never going to resolve
Speaker 1: things that come up, and you're never going to be
Speaker 1: able to work together as a team to actually find
Speaker 1: that deeper level of love and respect for each other.
Speaker 1: And there's this fear about arguments and this fear about
Speaker 1: fighting that it's always going to end up in or
Speaker 1: we're going to break up, you know. I think that
Speaker 1: there's definitely some relationships that are so volatile where you
Speaker 1: feel like every time you have a fight it's going
Speaker 1: to mean the end of the relationship. But I think,
Speaker 1: you know, fights can be a really really great way
Speaker 1: of galvanizing you. Conflict can be an amazing way of
Speaker 1: making you work together as a team, and it really
Speaker 1: kind of separates the people who are going to make
Speaker 1: it for the long haul and the relationships that are
Speaker 1: going to fucking fizzle.
Speaker 2: The thing is, like Laurid has said, conflict's arguments, fighting,
Speaker 2: it's all inevitable. There is absolutely no way you can
Speaker 2: have a long term healthy relationship without the fighting.
Speaker 1: In fact, they actually.
Speaker 2: That couples that don't argue and disagree and fight at all,
Speaker 2: that there's something wrong in that relationship because it means
Speaker 2: that someone's probably suppressing their feelings. The thing that they
Speaker 2: say is, it's not actually the fighting that's the problem.
Speaker 2: Couples have a really hard time coming to terms with
Speaker 2: the fact that it's not the fighting and it's not
Speaker 2: what it's about. The thing that's important is how you
Speaker 2: deal with the fight. And that's why we wanted to
Speaker 2: go into this. That's why we thought it was so
Speaker 2: important to go into this, because how you deal with
Speaker 2: a fight is literally what will determine your relationship.
Speaker 1: Maybe you are in a relationship where you're like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, me and my brave friend, we never fight,
Speaker 1: we fly out so much. Well, no, I don't think
Speaker 1: you're necessarily lying. I just don't think you've necessarily done
Speaker 1: the full spectrum of your relationship yet. Matt and I
Speaker 1: we never ever used to fight, Like I honestly, before
Speaker 1: having kids, before like living together, when we were in
Speaker 1: our honeymoon phase, we never fought. And I was like,
Speaker 1: this relationship is blissed. This is how relationships are supposed
Speaker 1: to be. And now that we have more responsibilities, now
Speaker 1: that there's more stress, now that there's more pressure, now
Speaker 1: that we have to deal with money, like all of
Speaker 1: these different aspects of a really serious, committed relationship that
Speaker 1: are going through the full journey of life. Yeah, of
Speaker 1: course we argue. We don't fight like Matt and I
Speaker 1: never we never fight in a way that's like toxic
Speaker 1: to our relationship. But we argue and then we resolve it.
Speaker 1: And I think that, you know, us being able to
Speaker 1: argue and respect each other has been really really beneficial
Speaker 1: in us actually forming a deeper connection. And I would
Speaker 1: say even though now we argue in our relationship very
Speaker 1: sporadically and from time to time, we're way closer now
Speaker 1: than what we were when we're in our honeymoon phase,
Speaker 1: when we were like everything is us, everything is the
Speaker 1: thing is in a while since I sung that.
Speaker 2: Song, You're a welcome seeing that to me all the time,
Speaker 2: you see it to Marley, You're I's got like, No,
Speaker 2: the thing is everything that I've read for every relationship therapist,
Speaker 2: every psychologist, and even like it does it is just
Speaker 2: how I feel about the situation as well. Couples that
Speaker 2: absolutely say that they never ever fight, they never argue,
Speaker 2: and never disagree. It's it's almost in pot someone is
Speaker 2: just suppressing their feelings and their opinions and their thoughts
Speaker 2: too much, because it is impossible to find two people
Speaker 2: in the world that can a find each other and
Speaker 2: then totally one hundred percent agree with every single thing
Speaker 2: in life, Like it's impossible. What it just means is
Speaker 2: maybe there's a part of you, and we're going to
Speaker 2: go into this that has a bit of an avoidance style,
Speaker 2: which is where like you just want to please you
Speaker 2: just you can't be bothered to have the argument, so
Speaker 2: you're like, yeah, babe, like that's fine, whatever, I'm sorry,
Speaker 2: let's not talk about it. So we're going to break
Speaker 2: them all down now. But we think the really important
Speaker 2: thing is once you know your style, and once you
Speaker 2: know your partner's style, it's important to know how to
Speaker 2: use that, how to change that, and how to work
Speaker 2: together to continue your relationship and progress in a really
Speaker 2: healthy way.
Speaker 1: Totally because exactly what we talked about when we did
Speaker 1: the Love Languages episode, you might have a different conflict
Speaker 1: style to your partner, and that's where things can become
Speaker 1: really tricky like if And we talked about this on
Speaker 1: the last Ask Uncut episode where I did it with Matt.
Speaker 1: The person had written in saying that there's somebody who
Speaker 1: requires a lot of reassurance and their partner is more
Speaker 1: of an avoid and that leaves them feeling really invalidated
Speaker 1: in their relationship and in their fights, and that it
Speaker 1: makes them really frantic and really upset because they want
Speaker 1: their partner to tell them, you know, to love them
Speaker 1: and reassure them, but really when they're having a fight,
Speaker 1: their partner just wants to kind of go away and
Speaker 1: have a little bit of time to themselves. So I
Speaker 1: think it's really important. And we actually did our own
Speaker 1: conflict resolution style tests, So there's a test that you
Speaker 1: can do that tells you how you deal with conflict,
Speaker 1: and you can sit down and do that with your
Speaker 1: partner as well, and that gives you a better understanding
Speaker 1: of who they are as a person. And you know,
Speaker 1: relationships are all about compromise and compromising on your conflict
Speaker 1: styles and not expecting someone to fight in the exact
Speaker 1: same way that you fight, because that's unfair as well.
Speaker 1: You know, we expect to compromise in our love languages.
Speaker 1: We expect to compromise in our attachment styles. We expect
Speaker 1: this level of understanding in all other aspects of our life,
Speaker 1: But sometimes when it comes to fighting, we can be
Speaker 1: so fucking stubborn. Because what happens when you are angry
Speaker 1: about something or you want to win. Now, I want
Speaker 1: to win. But what happens is we have a rational
Speaker 1: mind and we have an emotional mind, and the emotional mind,
Speaker 1: when it is angry, is much more powerful than the
Speaker 1: rational mind, and we don't have the capacity to use
Speaker 1: both simultaneously at the same time. Very well. Even though
Speaker 1: we are a very advanced species, there's some things that
Speaker 1: we still haven't got our shit together on. You might
Speaker 1: even recognize this in yourself. But when you feel angry
Speaker 1: at your partner, if you're in a relationship, and I
Speaker 1: know I do this, when I'm angry at Matt for something,
Speaker 1: my rational mind completely goes out the window. I'm not
Speaker 1: angry and thinking at the same time, Oh, I love
Speaker 1: this man so much. You know I'm gonna talk to
Speaker 1: him calmly. We're gonna have a lovely conversation. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't even care if he walks out the door
Speaker 1: right now. I want to strangle yourse. I care like,
Speaker 1: of course, my rational mind would be devastated if he
Speaker 1: actually walked out the door. You'd be like, no way,
Speaker 1: I was joking back, totally, totally here. But in that
Speaker 1: moment of anger that overpowers any feelings of love, any
Speaker 1: feelings of adoration, of any feelings of you know, all
Speaker 1: of this hard work that you've put together as a couple,
Speaker 1: anger is so powerful that it can override all of
Speaker 1: those other emotions, and it can make you feel very
Speaker 1: irrational and well, that's why it's important all the time
Speaker 1: to not necessarily have conversations around arguments when you're feeling angry.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's really important to step away from it, have
Speaker 1: that time to cool down, and then have the conversation
Speaker 1: about whatever it is that's made you upset. When you're
Speaker 1: able to actually use your rational mind so that you
Speaker 1: don't say things or do things, or act passive aggressively,
Speaker 1: or just behave in a way that's going to damage
Speaker 1: the relationship further, or it's going to create more of
Speaker 1: a problem. You end up finding not even about the
Speaker 1: thing that happened, but about the way that you're speaking
Speaker 1: to each other or the way that you're treating each other.
Speaker 2: Well, the thing is, we've all I all want you
Speaker 2: to think back. We've all sent a message or said
Speaker 2: something in the heat of a moment that you immediately
Speaker 2: regret and you're like, fuck, why did.
Speaker 1: I say that.
Speaker 2: That's because you should never ever ever fight or send
Speaker 2: a message or send an email or do anything when
Speaker 2: you are mad, like please, don't step away from your computer,
Speaker 2: turn it off, throw it out the window, whatever you
Speaker 2: have to.
Speaker 1: Do, do some deep breathing, and go for a walk.
Speaker 2: One percent, nothing good ever comes from sending a message
Speaker 2: when you're really mad, because then what happens is you
Speaker 2: know that you might not have meant it, and you
Speaker 2: will apologize for it down the track. You'll be like, look,
Speaker 2: I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean to you,
Speaker 2: I was angry. The damage is done. You've said it,
Speaker 2: and your partner or your friend or whoever knows that
Speaker 2: that is somewhere lying inside of you, and that sometimes
Speaker 2: can be irreparable. Okay, So let's actually get into what
Speaker 2: the argument styles are.
Speaker 1: So there is a researcher named doctor John Gotman, and
Speaker 1: doctor John Gottman is he's kind of the founder for
Speaker 1: this research, he spent thirty forty years. I mean there's
Speaker 1: forty years, let's go forty years. Sure. He spent the
Speaker 1: last forty years researching why some couples managed to like
Speaker 1: stay together and how they deal with conflict versus why
Speaker 1: some couples their relationships disintegrate. So there's been two massive
Speaker 1: studies that have been done. One of them was this
Speaker 1: longitudinal study that went over the space of thirty years
Speaker 1: where he observed newlyweds and then years and years later
Speaker 1: figured out which ones stayed together which ones didn't. And
Speaker 1: he thinks somebody to talks about commitment long research min issues,
Speaker 1: does he Well, it's actually having his wife who do it,
Speaker 1: and they're both psychologists and they have So basically what
Speaker 1: happened is in the seventies there was this huge influx
Speaker 1: in divorce rates, and as a sort of knee jerk
Speaker 1: response to this, a lot of psychologists and philosophers started
Speaker 1: doing research studies around why were people getting divorced and
Speaker 1: what impact was this going to have on children and
Speaker 1: on couples and their ability to live long and happy
Speaker 1: lives now that divorce rates were going up exponentially, and
Speaker 1: then David Gotman sort of jumped on the bandwagon in
Speaker 1: nineteen seventy, but he did some really profound research around
Speaker 1: nineteen eighty six, and that's when he did this nearly
Speaker 1: weired research study, and basically the results of this have
Speaker 1: come out to say that it's a ninety percent predictor
Speaker 1: of couples that are going to stay together and couples
Speaker 1: that will divorce. Because he believes that conflict style comes
Speaker 1: down to everything in a relationship. And so five complict
Speaker 1: styles that there are. Three of them are healthy and
Speaker 1: can be used in different ways. Two of them are
Speaker 1: incredibly unhealthy. So the three healthy ones are conflict avoids,
Speaker 1: volatile couples. Doesn't really sound like that should be positive, Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it is volatile couples validating couples. They're the three positives.
Speaker 1: The two negatives are hostile couples and hostile detached couples. Now, Brittan,
Speaker 1: I both did our own tests, and before we unpack
Speaker 1: what each one is, what are you, Brittany? So mine
Speaker 1: was actually really surprising.
Speaker 2: I did Oprah's test because I love Oprah, but then
Speaker 2: we did the same test, so I, yeah, I thought
Speaker 2: I'd be avoidant, but I actually got a validating style
Speaker 2: of conflict, which I can see as well. But it
Speaker 2: was surprising because I thought in my mind that I
Speaker 2: was just a complete avoid of conflict, but turns out
Speaker 2: I'm not. I do avoid conflict at all times. I mean,
Speaker 2: you can even look back on my Bachelor Bachelor in Paradise.
Speaker 2: I just I wasn't even on the show because I
Speaker 2: was like me, I just got so awkward whenever there
Speaker 2: was a fight. I was just like, I don't I
Speaker 2: just naturally it makes me really anxious. Like I not
Speaker 2: that long ago got into an argument with a friend,
Speaker 2: which I have never done it my life, Like I've
Speaker 2: never arguing with a friend, and I was almost physically
Speaker 2: sick at the thought of fighting with someone and talking
Speaker 2: about it. And I literally avoided it. I was literally saying,
Speaker 2: let's forget it. I don't want to talk about anything
Speaker 2: about it, Let's move on with our friendship. But she
Speaker 2: her style of conflict was quite like aggressive and quite
Speaker 2: we're talking about this now, we're dealing with this, now,
Speaker 2: this is what And I was like, Matte, don't want
Speaker 2: to let's pretend it didn't happen. Even though I was
Speaker 2: not in the wrong at all, I was just like, look,
Speaker 2: I'm apologizing that you felt that way, but let's move
Speaker 2: on because I'm done with it. I will avoid it
Speaker 2: at all costs, But validating just means that I don't
Speaker 2: want to be in it. But when I am in it,
Speaker 2: I won't avoid it. So when you're avoidant and you're
Speaker 2: in a fight, proper proper couples that are avoidant or
Speaker 2: you're a proper person that has avoidant argument style will
Speaker 2: literally shut down. They won't even engage in the conversation
Speaker 2: at all. They won't hear anything, they won't contribute, they'll
Speaker 2: literally just walk away or sit there in silence. That
Speaker 2: is what it means. When I get to that point,
Speaker 2: I will happily have conversation. If I'm in the room
Speaker 2: and it's happening, I will go at it. I will
Speaker 2: prove my points, and I won't avoid it once it's there,
Speaker 2: I'll just avoid the situation happening.
Speaker 1: But avoidant conflict style doesn't mean. It doesn't mean stone walling,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't mean silent treatment. And I think that
Speaker 1: that's the really important I think the language in this
Speaker 1: can be a bit confusing. So that's what I would
Speaker 1: just want to like separate out avoidance styles just mean
Speaker 1: that when there's conflict, you need a little bit of
Speaker 1: time to go away to process and then you'll have
Speaker 1: a conversation about it. It doesn't mean that you avoid
Speaker 1: it completely. People who avoid completely and will get into
Speaker 1: this later, people who avoid completely by giving someone the
Speaker 1: silent treatment. That's actually one of what they call the
Speaker 1: four horsemens of conflict. And it's like that's the beginning
Speaker 1: of the end.
Speaker 2: Well, that's the frustrating bit where you're in the fire
Speaker 2: and you're like say something anything, because they're just sitting
Speaker 2: there in silence.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think sometimes when people do that, like silence,
Speaker 1: like silence is more powerful than anything else, and it
Speaker 1: can be more hurtful than anything else. We'll get into
Speaker 1: what that is and break down avoidant a little bit further.
Speaker 1: But I was really surprised by mine. Actually, no, I
Speaker 1: take that back. I wasn't surprised at all. So I'm
Speaker 1: sure suggressive. I'm not. No, I'm not a hostile, but
Speaker 1: I don't know. Mine was still a positive conflict style.
Speaker 1: I'm a volatile, volatile conflict style, which basically just means
Speaker 1: that like I'm very passionate, i am very opinionated and
Speaker 1: I don't hold back, but also I make up very
Speaker 1: quickly so and Matt is exactly the same. And I
Speaker 1: would have thought that we were like a bit more collaborative,
Speaker 1: but then reading about how we fight and this is
Speaker 1: really interesting. One of the things that was like one
Speaker 1: of the key questions in our little questionnaire was like,
Speaker 1: what do you do when somebody is trying to bring
Speaker 1: up conflict with you? And like, for me, in the
Speaker 1: heat of the moment, if Matt is angry at me
Speaker 1: and he's getting telling me what I've done wrong, in
Speaker 1: my mind, I'm formulating my rebuttal like, that's what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: I'm not listening to what he's saying. I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: to tell you what you did wrong. Actually, that is
Speaker 1: totally you, totally And it's like a defensive thing. And
Speaker 1: I've spoken about a little bit on past episodes. For me,
Speaker 1: it's not like I am really really conscious of it now.
Speaker 1: And I try not to do it because I understand
Speaker 1: that it's not helpful and it doesn't actually progress the
Speaker 1: conversation to a point where where you know, making up.
Speaker 1: But the reason why I do it is because I
Speaker 1: don't want to believe that I have hurt his feelings.
Speaker 1: So instead of actually accepting and saying I'm really sorry
Speaker 1: that I've done that, I'm really sorry that I've hurt
Speaker 1: your feelings straight away, I continue to hurt his feelings. No,
Speaker 1: what I do is that I invalidate those feelings by
Speaker 1: saying like, well, that didn't happen, or like you're overreacting. Yeah, fully,
Speaker 1: but we do it twe each other because Matt and
Speaker 1: I are exactly the same in the way that we fight,
Speaker 1: and we've talked about this now and like we recognize
Speaker 1: that in each other, and as soon as someone is
Speaker 1: doing it, we can easily say, like, hey, you're not
Speaker 1: listening to me, you're deflecting. This isn't helpful. Let's talk
Speaker 1: about this in ten minutes.
Speaker 2: And both very strong personalities. And I've seen you have
Speaker 2: little arguments, like nothing serious, but I've seen it and
Speaker 2: I can tell you it's definitely not collaborative style.
Speaker 1: It's like you're both strong.
Speaker 2: And you're both stubborn, and you both want to be right,
Speaker 2: and so I don't want to be wrong. But that's
Speaker 2: completely normal as well.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think that there's a lot of people
Speaker 1: who like default is defensiveness in relationships and in fighting.
Speaker 1: But like the other thing with volatile conflict styles is
Speaker 1: that you also make up really quickly, and you also
Speaker 1: make up in a very passionate way. So like make up,
Speaker 1: I mean anymore you're all pregnant bird over here. But
Speaker 1: more so, just like our fights are very short lived,
Speaker 1: Like any argument or conflict that we have in our relationship,
Speaker 1: I give it an hour before one of us is like,
Speaker 1: I'm baby, I'm so sorry. Like you know, we always
Speaker 1: see things from each other's perspective. It's just we deal
Speaker 1: with things as soon as they happen, and we usually
Speaker 1: are dealing with things when we're both still a bit mad.
Speaker 1: And that's the problem is like when you're a bit mad,
Speaker 1: like I said, your emotional mind overcrowds your rational mind.
Speaker 1: So that's was our conflict styles, and we thought that
Speaker 1: we would just kind of bring that to the table
Speaker 1: because when we did Love languages, we unpacked what ours were.
Speaker 1: And Britt and I are so different, but also we
Speaker 1: get along so well. So it's like just shows that
Speaker 1: you can have different ways of well, you have different personalities,
Speaker 1: you can have different ways of dealing with things, and
Speaker 1: you can still be really great together.
Speaker 2: It's funny because I'm so I was just thinking of
Speaker 2: when you were talking about that, how opposite I am.
Speaker 2: I'm so competitive in every other aspect of my life,
Speaker 2: like in sports or in trying to win the best
Speaker 2: podcast whatever.
Speaker 1: No, but I am.
Speaker 2: But I retreat completely with conflict. I don't know what
Speaker 2: it is. I don't care to win in a fight.
Speaker 2: I don't need to win in like a verbal fight.
Speaker 2: Like if you put me in a competition where it
Speaker 2: was like a wrestling match, I'll wrestle to the death.
Speaker 2: But in a fight, when you say that, you're sitting
Speaker 2: there and you're like thinking of your rebuttal and you're
Speaker 2: thinking how you can and you'll never be wrong because
Speaker 2: you don't want to be wrong. I in a fight
Speaker 2: would rather even though I know I'm right, I would
Speaker 2: rather just say you know what, You're right, I'm sorry,
Speaker 2: I won't do it again. There might be like an
Speaker 2: undertone that's passive aggressive, which I would hope.
Speaker 1: Wasn't you know.
Speaker 2: It's like me being like, yep, you're right, I do
Speaker 2: everything wrong. I don't mean it really like that, but
Speaker 2: it's probably there. But it's just because I would rather
Speaker 2: get the argument over. I hate nothing more than I
Speaker 2: would rather admit defeat and be like fuck, you know what, like, Okay,
Speaker 2: I did this wrong, Let's move on, let's get over it.
Speaker 1: I think I would rather have open dialogue where I'm
Speaker 1: mad at a partner, it's all out on the table,
Speaker 1: than have someone be passive aggressive to me, because I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: I know that those feelings are there. I know that
Speaker 1: that's what you think of me, and I know that
Speaker 1: that's how you're feeling towards me, but you're not actually
Speaker 1: verbalizing it. You're just gonna have cheap digs at me
Speaker 1: like that, to me is more hurtful than sitting down
Speaker 1: and being like hey, I don't like this and it
Speaker 1: being a very frank conversation. Let's fully unpack what the
Speaker 1: five styles of conflict is. Number One, we've already done
Speaker 1: volatile couples. That was what I am, so like we
Speaker 1: can kind of like take that one off. Number two,
Speaker 1: conflict avoids. We did kind of touch on conflict avoids.
Speaker 1: You know, that's the people who need to take some
Speaker 1: time out to process their feelings, to really think about
Speaker 1: the situation. Usually they're the ones that want to have
Speaker 1: nice conversations once they've calmed down and don't want to
Speaker 1: have conversations about conflict when when the conflict is in
Speaker 1: the heat of the moment. It's a really smart way
Speaker 1: of dealing with conflict.
Speaker 2: There's only so long you can actually avoid a conflict anyway,
Speaker 2: even if you are an avoid you can't do it forever.
Speaker 2: And all that's going to do is perpetuate and grow
Speaker 2: and turn into something ten times bigger than it ever was.
Speaker 2: It's something that I have tried. I have to start
Speaker 2: to work on as well. Is not put it off
Speaker 2: so long because it just implodes and it festers. Fest
Speaker 2: is such a great word for it. If there's something
Speaker 2: in you that needs to be dealt with and something
Speaker 2: in your partner that needs to be dealt with, and
Speaker 2: you're pushing it away, it's not going to disappear. It's
Speaker 2: going to fester and brew and implode.
Speaker 1: Even though you may not be getting that instantaneous reassurance
Speaker 1: from someone who's an avoid they're not avoiding you because
Speaker 1: they don't love you and they're not happy. They just
Speaker 1: need a little bit more time to process than what
Speaker 1: you do. And I think, like from the question that
Speaker 1: we had last week, where this person was much more
Speaker 1: reactive and they needed to have that reassurance from their
Speaker 1: partner straight away. I think that that's when you have
Speaker 1: to have that greater level of understanding of who your
Speaker 1: partner is as a person and respect the fact that,
Speaker 1: like some people need to retreat after an argument and
Speaker 1: that's okay, doesn't mean that they're going to dump you,
Speaker 1: just means that they need to process what the fuck
Speaker 1: is going on? Absolutely, And then what Brittany is, which
Speaker 1: is a validating couple. Did you want to unpack that
Speaker 1: a little bit more? Yeah, I mean, like we unpacked
Speaker 1: what it is for me. But basically you're characterized by.
Speaker 2: Being easy and calm and and your cruise in a relationship.
Speaker 2: You don't want the fighting, but you still need to
Speaker 2: come to the table. You still need to contribute to
Speaker 2: an argument and even though you don't want to, you
Speaker 2: need to sort of step.
Speaker 1: Up to the plate. Then there are the two really
Speaker 1: negative conflict styles. Now, the first one is hostile couples,
Speaker 1: and I think, like, you know, if you're in a
Speaker 1: relationship where you have a really really toxic conflict style,
Speaker 1: because you feel like you're in this perpetual fighting cycle.
Speaker 1: So hostile couples, they have a high level of defensiveness
Speaker 1: on the part of both parties so that neither of
Speaker 1: them are ever going to give in. Yeah, they're right,
Speaker 1: it's their way on the highway. They don't want to
Speaker 1: see it from the other person's view, and they're adamant
Speaker 1: in being right now. The thing with hostile couples is
Speaker 1: that often hostile couples will stay together, but they'll stay
Speaker 1: together in very unhappy marriages. And this will be like,
Speaker 1: you know, they're committed to each other, but there is
Speaker 1: no happiness or positivity in their marriage because there's this
Speaker 1: like fine ratio that doctor John Gotman talks about and
Speaker 1: he says, like, to have a great marriage or to
Speaker 1: have a great long term relationship, it doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be marriage. I don't know why I keep referring to that,
Speaker 1: but you know, to have a great long term relationship,
Speaker 1: it needs to be this five to one ratio, five
Speaker 1: times positive, one time's negative. And people who are in
Speaker 1: hostile relationships, the ratio is fully out of whack and
Speaker 1: they have way more hostile engagements than what they do positive.
Speaker 2: And there's a lot of criticism in these relationships and
Speaker 2: a lot of like the terminology they use is you
Speaker 2: always and you never and you don't and you won't,
Speaker 2: and it's very aggressive and it's very in your partner's face.
Speaker 2: There's no listening. There's no listening to what you're a
Speaker 2: partner is saying and changing your point of view. It's
Speaker 2: like you've said it, this is right, and you're not
Speaker 2: gonna budge on that fact. And that is where it
Speaker 2: really unravels, because there's no coming full circle and being like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, you know what, like what you just
Speaker 2: said is right. I didn't realize they do that. That's
Speaker 2: not existent. It's like I'm right, you're wrong, and this.
Speaker 1: Is never going to end.
Speaker 2: And when two couples are like it is explosive and
Speaker 2: neither of them are ever going to admit defeat. And
Speaker 2: this is where the relationship unwraaled.
Speaker 1: And like Britz said, this idea of like you never, So,
Speaker 1: for example, if you're upset about your partner not doing
Speaker 1: enough housework, instead of having conversation which is like, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't really feel supported. I would love it if
Speaker 1: you did this more, coming into that conversation saying you
Speaker 1: never help me, you never do anything because you're lazy well, yeah,
Speaker 1: you get on the back foot straight away. Absolutely. It's
Speaker 1: it doesn't open up a dialogue for any sort of
Speaker 1: constructive conversation. And that is a real like keynote of
Speaker 1: being a hostile couple. But like we said, hostile couples
Speaker 1: often stay together. They're just really fucking unhappy. Sounds great anyway.
Speaker 1: Number five is hostile detached couples and hostile detached couples
Speaker 1: they will not work out. That is like this is
Speaker 1: joom gloom and you're going to break up town.
Speaker 2: Well, there's never a resolution, there's never ever a clear victor.
Speaker 2: It's always just like a stalemate and let's kick this
Speaker 2: back up again next week. There's highly emotional, highly aggressive
Speaker 2: style of fighting, and that is one hundred percent my
Speaker 2: way of the highway one high to present, toxic and
Speaker 2: often more than not will not work out.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So it says that the hostile detached couples, these
Speaker 1: couples are like two armies engaged in mutually frustrating and
Speaker 1: lonely stand off with no clear victory, only a constant stalemate.
Speaker 1: They snipe at one another during conflict, and the error
Speaker 1: is full of emotional detachment and resignation. So this is like,
Speaker 1: this is the worst one, and this is when things
Speaker 1: will really come to an end in a relationship. You
Speaker 1: can't stay in a hostile, detached relationship and have any
Speaker 1: sort of happiness. You just feel completely invalidated and unloved.
Speaker 2: When I think about, you know, my past relationships and
Speaker 2: the fighting and the arguments and how that all went down.
Speaker 2: I think one thing that I really struggled with was
Speaker 2: my partner was very aggressive and very defensive. The defensiveness
Speaker 2: was probably the biggest characteristic of a relationship. That was
Speaker 2: obviously because he was a sociopath. He was marrying someone
Speaker 2: else at the same time. He had this double life,
Speaker 2: and it's very common in that situation to have defensiveness
Speaker 2: and to deflect and put that back on you. So
Speaker 2: I struggled with that for a long time, and maybe
Speaker 2: that's why I became a little bit more suppressed in
Speaker 2: my fighting style, and I was just a bit like accepting,
Speaker 2: more accepting than I should be, because I was always
Speaker 2: made to feel like I was the one starting the
Speaker 2: problem and I was the one in the wrong, and
Speaker 2: he did this because of me, and everything he did
Speaker 2: and he cheated because of me, and he was marrying
Speaker 2: someone else because of me. It got to the point
Speaker 2: where he was so defensive on everything that I was
Speaker 2: always like, I'm so sorry that I made you do that,
Speaker 2: And that was something I really struggled in with my relationship.
Speaker 2: So I think defensiveness and that is actually something we're
Speaker 2: going to talk about. It's one of the characteristics of
Speaker 2: something called the Four Horsemen, which is really interesting. Laura
Speaker 2: talked about it at the start, but we will go
Speaker 2: through that. But that was something that I really really
Speaker 2: struggled with and it's the main characteristic that I've ever
Speaker 2: had in any relationship.
Speaker 1: I think it's interesting as well, right, Like you like,
Speaker 1: you don't just acquire a fighting style. It comes from
Speaker 1: like your childhood as well. So like the way that
Speaker 1: you react to conflict when you're a kid, or the
Speaker 1: way that you react to conflict with your parents, or
Speaker 1: the way you see your parents react to conflict, how
Speaker 1: they fight with each other, all of that influences the
Speaker 1: way that you are able to relate to your partner
Speaker 1: as you get older. And I think like when you
Speaker 1: actually unpack the way your parents behave and your parents
Speaker 1: have conversation verse, then the way that you do it.
Speaker 1: There is always these parallels where you have these similarities
Speaker 1: because like we're taught, this is learned behavior, and it's
Speaker 1: learned behavior over so many years. So when I think
Speaker 1: about myself sometimes I've definitely dealt with defensiveness in relationships.
Speaker 1: But like for me, the one thing that I had
Speaker 1: to like really curve and be super aware of is
Speaker 1: passive aggressiveness. And because I think that I don't see
Speaker 1: my parents doing it that much anymore because they're not
Speaker 1: in a relationship with each other. They've been divorced since
Speaker 1: I was three, But the way that they communicated my
Speaker 1: whole childhood was so passive aggressive, and I was really
Speaker 1: really attuned to it. Like you know, you think that
Speaker 1: sometimes these things fly under the radar for children, but
Speaker 1: it really doesn't. So the four horsemen, there are four
Speaker 1: different personality traits. And I don't know if you've ever
Speaker 1: heard the four horseman expression before, but basically it's an
Speaker 1: apocalyptic metaphor which depicts the end of times in the
Speaker 1: So it's saying, if you have these foretraits in your relationship,
Speaker 1: then it's doom, gloom and break uptown for you. So
Speaker 1: the number one is something that I think we can
Speaker 1: all relate to and that's criticism. Like, there's nothing worse
Speaker 1: than being in a relationship where you feel like you're
Speaker 1: constantly being criticized by your partner. And whether it's small
Speaker 1: things or big things, but feeling like what you're doing
Speaker 1: is not good enough really leaves you feeling deflated and
Speaker 1: really leaves you feeling like you're not valued. I know.
Speaker 1: Like for Matt, criticism is the one that he struggles
Speaker 1: with the absolute worst. And I have to be really
Speaker 1: careful about how I deliver my critiquing of things that
Speaker 1: he's done wrong, but it has.
Speaker 2: To be constructive criticism. And it makes such a big difference.
Speaker 1: Totally because I know that, like, he will become defensive
Speaker 1: if he feels like he's being criticized and it makes
Speaker 1: him feel useless, you know, And I think that it
Speaker 1: makes everyone feel useless. Criticism makes you feel like you're
Speaker 1: not good enough, or you haven't done a good enough job,
Speaker 1: or you've let someone down. And no one wants to
Speaker 1: feel like that, especially not constantly in a relationship.
Speaker 2: No, And they do say you have to learn to
Speaker 2: differentiate between a complaint and a criticism. So I'm going
Speaker 2: to give you a little example. Complaint I was scared
Speaker 2: when you were running late and didn't call me. I
Speaker 2: thought we had agreed that we would do that for
Speaker 2: each other. That's the complaint. That's a nice way to
Speaker 2: do it. Criticism. You never think about how your behavior
Speaker 2: is affecting other people. I don't believe you are that forgetful.
Speaker 2: You're just selfish. You never think of others. They're literally
Speaker 2: saying the same thing, but one is so aggressive and
Speaker 2: is not going to get you anywhere, and one is
Speaker 2: constructive criticism, where it's like, you know, I was worried,
Speaker 2: so you need to call me because I want to
Speaker 2: feel safe in the relationship, not like you're a selfish pig.
Speaker 1: And yeah, sometimes it's frustrating to have the same conversations
Speaker 1: about the same thing over and over and over again.
Speaker 1: But one of the things that's important to take away
Speaker 1: from this conversation is that in every single relationship, you
Speaker 1: are going to have a couple of key things that
Speaker 1: you argue about that probably will never go away. You know,
Speaker 1: like you're never going to resolve every fight that happens
Speaker 1: in your relationship. Maybe you guys argue about money. Maybe
Speaker 1: you will argue about money until the day you die.
Speaker 1: Maybe you argue about the fact that your partner doesn't
Speaker 1: quite do enough washing. Maybe you will argue about that
Speaker 1: for the till the day you die. I think that
Speaker 1: there are things in relationships where sometimes you will never
Speaker 1: resolve them completely. They're always going to be there, But
Speaker 1: that's okay. You just have to like pick your battles
Speaker 1: and live with which things are acceptable and which things aren't,
Speaker 1: which kind of leads us into the next horseman, which
Speaker 1: is number two, contempt, the worst one. Yeah, like, okay,
Speaker 1: you cannot treat your partner with contempt and expect the
Speaker 1: relationship to ever work out. And I think we see
Speaker 1: this a lot in relationships after children are born, and
Speaker 1: this feeling of like you don't do anything to help me,
Speaker 1: or the other way around. Maybe it's from the husband
Speaker 1: to the wife, where it's this conversation of like, well,
Speaker 1: I work hard and you're just home with the kids
Speaker 1: all day and you don't do anything, And it's this
Speaker 1: like lack of recognition for the unpaid labor. And I've
Speaker 1: seen it with my friends. I've seen it in relationships
Speaker 1: where the husband who goes to work, who doesn't see
Speaker 1: the amount of work that the mum is doing, doesn't
Speaker 1: respect to the amount of work that the mum is doing,
Speaker 1: and there's this real lack of appreciation between the two
Speaker 1: parties and this feeling of contempt of like you're just
Speaker 1: spending the money, you're not trying hard enough, and I
Speaker 1: think that that's like a really dangerous place to be
Speaker 1: in, and there needs to be this open conversation and this
Speaker 1: real acceptance that actually, you know, both people are trying
Speaker 1: really hard, and like, just because you work hard doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that you own busy. Like you don't get to
Speaker 1: be the person who says, oh, I'm the busiest, Like
Speaker 1: you're allowed to both be the busiest. That's that's totally acceptable,
Speaker 1: and one person feeling stressed out doesn't invalidate the other
Speaker 1: person feeling stressed out.
Speaker 2: Body language, if you think of things like eye rolling, yeah,
Speaker 2: turning your back on them, waving your hand in their face, like,
Speaker 2: it's very dismissive and it's definitely the worst one. There's
Speaker 2: never ever going to be a positive outcome with contempt.
Speaker 2: There was actually some really interesting research that did show
Speaker 2: that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more
Speaker 2: likely to suffer from illnesses like just like the common
Speaker 2: cold and things like that because they are immune systems weaker.
Speaker 2: I think that's amazing. It's very powerful how you feel
Speaker 2: and how you speak, and the stresses in your life.
Speaker 1: What it can do to your body, like harboring hate.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like just so much negativity and so much stress
Speaker 2: that your body just goes into a meltdown.
Speaker 1: It's well, I'm going to get that. I guess the thing.
Speaker 1: Like you know, we actually touched on this a little
Speaker 1: bit in the Positivity episode, how you can't just will
Speaker 1: yourself healthy. So I don't think that you can will
Speaker 1: yourself sick either. But I think the interesting thing that
Speaker 1: actually is and came from these research studies, is that
Speaker 1: it's having a higher cortisol in your system, so that
Speaker 1: stress hormone, which is what makes you sick. So constantly
Speaker 1: living in this fight or flight stage of a relationship
Speaker 1: where you feel that anxiety and you're constantly on edge,
Speaker 1: never get to settle into being happy because you're always fighting.
Speaker 1: It's the heightened cortisole in your body that actually makes
Speaker 1: you sick. Yeah, what just lowers your immune system? There
Speaker 1: you go, Okay. Three.
Speaker 2: The third one is defensiveness. We've already touched on that.
Speaker 2: I just spoke about it. It's just where you're going
Speaker 2: to constantly feel invalidated, unjustified. I don't think we need
Speaker 2: to go into it too much. We've all been defensive
Speaker 2: in a relationship. We've all been with someone that's very defensive.
Speaker 1: We know what that's like. Yeah, And I guess, like
Speaker 1: with defensiveness, like the thing is is that they're invalidating
Speaker 1: your feelings because there's too busy trying to figure out
Speaker 1: a rebuttal to tell you why they're right or why
Speaker 1: you're wrong. So like that's definitely like the hallmark of defensiveness.
Speaker 1: The last one on the list as well is stone walling,
Speaker 1: and we touched on that at the beginning when we
Speaker 1: were talking about avoidant personality types and how being an
Speaker 1: avoidant personality types is different to like being someone who's
Speaker 1: stone Walls. So I have been in a relationship before.
Speaker 1: It's the relationship I've touched on a couple of times
Speaker 1: in this podcast where you know, we're together for two
Speaker 1: years and he had a lot of narcissistic personality tendencies
Speaker 1: and a lot of cheating went on, and the way
Speaker 1: that he would punish me for an argument or the
Speaker 1: way he would punish me, even if he had been
Speaker 1: the one who had had the bad behavior, But the
Speaker 1: way he would punish me would be to completely ignore me,
Speaker 1: turn his phone off, ignore me, not give me a validation.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't hear from him for two three days, and
Speaker 1: it put me into such a state of distress because
Speaker 1: I felt like I didn't know if we were together
Speaker 1: or we weren't together. But I think that like giving
Speaker 1: someone the silent treatment, is such a cruel form of
Speaker 1: torture worse, and it takes such control away from the
Speaker 1: other person, and it really just invalidates everything that they're feeling.
Speaker 2: And I feel like it's a very immature form of fighting.
Speaker 1: Stonewalling.
Speaker 2: I feel like as what you do when you're a
Speaker 2: teenager in your early twenties, where you'll literally I remember
Speaker 2: being in a relationship and they were stonewalling me. They
Speaker 2: wouldn't respond to me for days. We were still together
Speaker 2: and it was fine. Then four days later they come
Speaker 2: back and it's like it's just what was normally done
Speaker 2: that just wouldn't fly.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 2: Even even the worst of people usually say I can't
Speaker 2: talk to you right now. Usually they give you a message,
Speaker 2: but ston't complete stonewalling and complete like shutting down in
Speaker 2: silent treatment.
Speaker 1: I find it a very immature form of fighting. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I guess like some people can use it as
Speaker 1: a really like purposeful and manipulative tool, like I know
Speaker 1: in my relationship, like he used it as way of
Speaker 1: punishing me, like that's what that was, Whereas I think
Speaker 1: other people use it as almost like a I physically
Speaker 1: cannot fucking fathom having this conversation right now, like I'm
Speaker 1: so emotionally flooded, I just need to remove myself. But
Speaker 1: they're not thinking about how that makes their other partner
Speaker 1: feel at all. And you know, removing yourself from a
Speaker 1: situation for days and torturing your partner is not acceptable either.
Speaker 1: So I think it's important to kind of figure out
Speaker 1: is your partner doing it intentionally to punish you, or
Speaker 1: are they doing it as a reaction to something. Either way,
Speaker 1: neither of them are great, but one of them is
Speaker 1: slightly better than the other.
Speaker 2: The best thing that you can do in this situation is, Okay,
Speaker 2: you don't want to talk to them, you don't want
Speaker 2: to deal with it. You walk away, go for a walk,
Speaker 2: go into another room, read a book, do a meditation,
Speaker 2: go to the gym, do anything for a few hours
Speaker 2: to get your thoughts together, to calm down, to lower
Speaker 2: your heart rate, to think the process through, to be like,
Speaker 2: maybe I am wrong, maybe I'm not wrong, and then
Speaker 2: go back and approach the situation in a mature, respectful
Speaker 2: and calm way. And the key word here is calm.
Speaker 2: But anyway, guys, they're the main key areas. So they're
Speaker 2: the five conflict stars, and they're the four characteristics that
Speaker 2: really really characterize what creates a destructive relationship or what
Speaker 2: creates a positive relationship. Just to tie it up at
Speaker 2: the end, guys, just some things to remember and take
Speaker 2: away from this is except that conflict is inevitable. It's
Speaker 2: going to happen. It's fine, it's not the end of
Speaker 2: the world. Remember that conflict can in fact be beneficial.
Speaker 2: We all need it at some point and we can
Speaker 2: all learn a lot from it. And that is a
Speaker 2: big one. Just remember to listen and be accepting that
Speaker 2: maybe you're wrong and you can learn from that. Always
Speaker 2: use neutral language. Don't come at them aggressively. It's not
Speaker 2: you do this.
Speaker 1: You never do this. You're an asshole. Don't do that.
Speaker 2: So really think about the way you're talking, especially when
Speaker 2: you're upset.
Speaker 1: And one of the most important ones.
Speaker 2: Is agree to disagree. It's okay to, in the end
Speaker 2: have different opinions and different feelings about something, but you
Speaker 2: need to get to the point where you're like, Okay,
Speaker 2: I see why you feel this. I don't agree with it,
Speaker 2: but I'm validating it and I'm okay with it and
Speaker 2: let's move on. So agree to disagree is the biggest one.
Speaker 1: I think, like the last thing I want to say
Speaker 1: in regards like to wrap this all up. You know,
Speaker 1: it's easy to talk about all the different conflict styles.
Speaker 1: It's easy to talk about all the things that you
Speaker 1: do wrong in a relationship, or all the way that
Speaker 1: we like negatively communicate. But I just think like one
Speaker 1: of the most important take homes is kindness. Like you
Speaker 1: can become so close to your partner that you treat
Speaker 1: them in a really unkind way, Like you might even
Speaker 1: treat them in a way that you wouldn't treat your
Speaker 1: friends or your family. You know, you can say things
Speaker 1: and behave in a way because you are so close
Speaker 1: to them that's actually your worst reflection of yourself. So
Speaker 1: I think it's really important to remember that like relationships
Speaker 1: that are happy, in relationships that will last the lot
Speaker 1: like a lifetime, or you know, will be fulfilling and positive.
Speaker 1: Are relationships where there's a lot of kindness and a
Speaker 1: lot of mutual respect for each other and you treat
Speaker 1: them how you want to be treated. Absolutely. I know
Speaker 1: that's like the most simple and sometimes like benign thing
Speaker 1: to say, like treat people the way you want to
Speaker 1: be treated them. But it's not. It's one of my
Speaker 1: favorite saying.
Speaker 2: It's just fucking be a good person, But it's true.
Speaker 1: Like, you know, I think we can forget to be
Speaker 1: kind to the people that we love and the something
Speaker 1: that makes them feel appreciated. It makes them feel validated,
Speaker 1: and it makes them feel safe in the relationship. So
Speaker 1: you know, go text your partner if you're in a
Speaker 1: relationship and be like, I appreciate you, Like those things
Speaker 1: are really important and cute. You need to show that
Speaker 1: every day, all right, guys, you know that we never
Speaker 1: finished an episode without our suck and our sweet our
Speaker 1: highlight and our low light of each and every week.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I love? I love that we've
Speaker 1: had so many people right in to say that now
Speaker 1: they do suck and sweet with like their partner or
Speaker 1: with their kids. Yeah, it's the best. That's how it happened.
Speaker 2: We grew up, my family grew up doing around the
Speaker 2: dinner table at night. We would eat dinner and would
Speaker 2: do our suck and sweet. So I love that you
Speaker 2: guys are doing that now, just like makes you appreciate
Speaker 2: the little good bits and also some of the bad
Speaker 2: bit But anyway, my suck straight up would be just
Speaker 2: that I've got appendicitis on my little getaway because just
Speaker 2: really through a spanner in the works really ruined it,
Speaker 2: and I just feel like I didn't even get what
Speaker 2: I wanted. But looking on the bright side, my sweet
Speaker 2: is okay.
Speaker 1: I've got two.
Speaker 2: One is that I just got to finally see my
Speaker 2: little nephew, and I was really worried. He's only about
Speaker 2: to turn three, and I was really worried that after
Speaker 2: a year at that age he wouldn't remember me as much,
Speaker 2: and because I don't get to see him often. But
Speaker 2: it was really nice to see him. He was beautiful,
Speaker 2: he remembered me. It was nice to see my brother
Speaker 2: for the first time in a year. Said that was great.
Speaker 2: But I had one other sweet. I did have one
Speaker 2: more than I just think it's funny. It's not really sweet.
Speaker 2: I was just going to tell you anyway. I was
Speaker 2: at work last week and this guy was wielding a
Speaker 2: patient was wielding and he I had a mask on
Speaker 2: and everything, because you have to. I think I had
Speaker 2: a hairnet too. And he was about thirty three. I
Speaker 2: was a couple of meters away through a glass window
Speaker 2: because I was setting up the computer. I hadn't gone
Speaker 2: in yet, and he.
Speaker 1: Looked He's like looking at me, and then he turns
Speaker 1: to the wardsman and he goes, is that Brittany Hockley?
Speaker 2: This is a rough looking, big beard, covered in tats,
Speaker 2: earrings in his ear He looked rough and the wardsman
Speaker 2: was like, oh, yeah it is. And he looks up
Speaker 2: at me and he's like, you're pretty Hockley and I
Speaker 2: was like and I was like.
Speaker 1: Yes, and he goes celebrity. And I thought he was
Speaker 1: going to.
Speaker 2: Be like, oh, you know, I love football, watched you
Speaker 2: on the Bachelor with nik comms whatever.
Speaker 1: Now this is the roughest thirty five year old guy.
Speaker 2: And he goes, I fucking love your podcast and I
Speaker 2: was like what.
Speaker 1: I was like, you listen to my podcast? Like the
Speaker 1: podcast that we made for like twenty four year old women.
Speaker 1: What are you talking about? He was like, I love
Speaker 1: it so much. I'm the biggest fan.
Speaker 2: And I was like, I don't know if you're taking
Speaker 2: a pist or not, and he's like, no, I'm not.
Speaker 2: He's like, that's what I know you from. Like he's
Speaker 2: like a genuinely frothy podcast. And I was like, I
Speaker 2: was not expecting you to say that, but I can't
Speaker 2: wait to Laura, I freaking love like the age demographic
Speaker 2: of people that we get messaging us who listen to
Speaker 2: this podcast, Like, you know, we have girls who are
Speaker 2: seventeen years old, and we have women who are sixty
Speaker 2: years old, like it is such and we have thirty
Speaker 2: five year old middle aged men too, and we have
Speaker 2: thirty five year old middle age like tuckies.
Speaker 1: Like it's just like such an amazing and diverse listenership.
Speaker 1: And I guess, like the thing is, you know, we
Speaker 1: can all learn stuff. Guys can learn stuff from a female.
Speaker 1: Really more men should probably be listening to this, and
Speaker 1: we can all learn stuff about like how to better
Speaker 1: navigate our relationships. I mean, obviously we don't just talk
Speaker 1: about relationships to this episode has been a really heavy
Speaker 1: relationship one, but I love it, Like I feel so
Speaker 1: privileged that we get to make this podcast. It's the
Speaker 1: freaking best. Okay it what's yours? Okay? So my suck
Speaker 1: and my sweet are both child related. So sorry to
Speaker 1: everyone who finds children boring. That would have been me.
Speaker 1: That would have been me five years ago. But now
Speaker 1: my entire life is just babies, babies, babies. Okay. So
Speaker 1: my suck for this week is that we found out
Speaker 1: you know how I've been saying Marley's been sick and
Speaker 1: I've been talking about her being six since September. So
Speaker 1: I found out why she's sick. My child is lacked no,
Speaker 1: so that would explained diarrhea, ed explains a lot of things.
Speaker 1: So basically what can happen, which I had no idea about,
Speaker 1: is that when a child gets sick with something like
Speaker 1: gastro or a really bad virus, they can have a response,
Speaker 1: like an inflammatory response reaction where they get analogy a
Speaker 1: sudden So she never used to be allergic to lactose,
Speaker 1: but she got so sick, but she're so sick that
Speaker 1: now she does. So we're waiting to actually find out
Speaker 1: whether it's a proper allergy or whether it's just lactose intolerant.
Speaker 1: But she's been started on this lactose intolerance diet and
Speaker 1: like she's a completely different child. She was doing three
Speaker 1: explosive diarrhea shits a night, usually one in the bath,
Speaker 1: and I'm talking like all over the cot, all over
Speaker 1: the sheets, green, frothy, like next level Exorcis style diarrhea
Speaker 1: for three weeks plus. Also just coughing a coffin, coughing constantly, coughing, cough,
Speaker 1: coughing so much. Like we couldn't figure out what was
Speaker 1: going on with her, so we thought that she still
Speaker 1: had the flow from September. We thought she had like
Speaker 1: this gastrobug. Anyway, it turns out I've been poisoning my
Speaker 1: child with the well, I mean, at least you know now,
Speaker 1: I know, right. Anyway, it's so hard with kids because
Speaker 1: they can't tell you what's wrong, and then you just
Speaker 1: have to do this like weird process of elimination.
Speaker 2: You're sweet, my sweet. My sweet for the week is.
Speaker 1: That we got Marley's daycare photos back. My child has
Speaker 1: just got so much sad. I spend so much time
Speaker 1: laughing about these daycare photos, like every other person's kid
Speaker 1: is just sitting there being like adorable and cute and
Speaker 1: normal and three and like one and a half year old.
Speaker 1: And then there's my daughter with like her dress sultraally
Speaker 1: put over the side of her shoulder, and she's like
Speaker 1: pulling this little face. I turned my money on my
Speaker 1: mummy's on Instagram. It's just outrageous. She turns.
Speaker 2: You have to go and look at the photo on
Speaker 2: Laura's page. She's every kid is like literally just being
Speaker 2: a dirty little kid. She's turned, she's smack bang in
Speaker 2: the middle. She's turned side on. She's doing like the
Speaker 2: influence of skinny arm pos. The dress has gone off
Speaker 2: her shoulder, and she's eyeing down the barrel of the
Speaker 2: camera with the most like I don't know off if
Speaker 2: eighteen year a month old can have a seductive look.
Speaker 1: But she's like, she looks like surmising. She's like smiling
Speaker 1: with my eyes but not smiless. So I don't know
Speaker 1: how to do this. It's so funny. I loved it
Speaker 1: so much. She's literally one and a half going on seventeen.
Speaker 1: It's my favorite photo of her ever. If you haven't
Speaker 1: seen it, go and have a look. It's very very funny. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was someone who thought I was like, oh, daycare photos,
Speaker 1: do we want to pay for that? I don't think
Speaker 1: we need daycare for it's best photo. And I am
Speaker 1: now like, like, my kids' school photos are going to
Speaker 1: be my pride and joy, so send them out to
Speaker 1: all the family. It's so weird. I never thought I
Speaker 1: was going to be this sort of mum. I always
Speaker 1: just thought i'd be like a little bit of it,
Speaker 1: like eh, whatever.
Speaker 2: A bit aloof They're just like, yeah, cool, get your
Speaker 2: photos done.
Speaker 1: I don't know you need them. Who needs photos? But
Speaker 1: I am so obsessed. It's just really funny how you
Speaker 1: turn out to be a very different type of mum
Speaker 1: to what you think. And I think there's people out
Speaker 1: there who probably thought they'd be way more children relaxed,
Speaker 1: but they actually end up like helicopter parents. Yeah, super
Speaker 1: anal and like you know, you know, sugar. But I'm
Speaker 1: definitely not the type of parent I thought I was
Speaker 1: going to be. That's for sure. I'm obsessed with my child.
Speaker 2: Look, guys, that is it's for today's episode. We hope
Speaker 2: you learned something. We hope you enjoyed it. There was
Speaker 2: a lot of info in this one, but I think
Speaker 2: it's really important and I hope you guys all go
Speaker 2: and do an argument style quiz to see what you
Speaker 2: are because it might actually surprise yourself.
Speaker 1: I think it's really interesting to unpack some of the
Speaker 1: more serious parts of relationships. And obviously, like conflict is
Speaker 1: something that it's un avoidable, we like to try and
Speaker 1: avoid it, we like to not talk about it. But
Speaker 1: I think it's really interesting to unpack that and we
Speaker 1: hope you guys learned something from it. And if you
Speaker 1: love the episode, you know all the drills, please go
Speaker 1: and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts if you
Speaker 1: haven't already done that. We love that so much because
Speaker 1: we need the ego boost, guys. That's what helps us
Speaker 1: grow guys.
Speaker 2: So if you are one of the little scoundrels that
Speaker 2: haven't left us a.
Speaker 1: Review yet, where you at. Also, if you haven't subscribed
Speaker 1: to the podcast as well, Like I know that these
Speaker 1: things just seem like boring housekeeping things, but if you
Speaker 1: do love the pod, it's actually one. It means you
Speaker 1: get the episodes first, so that it drops into your
Speaker 1: inbox first and you'll be notified each week when you
Speaker 1: comes out. But it also is Yeah, like Brits said,
Speaker 1: it's really important for us to be able to like
Speaker 1: help grow this little community and for people to be
Speaker 1: able to find us. And yeah, it's just you supporting
Speaker 1: the free content that you love. And I, on that note,
Speaker 1: have to run because I have to get to work.
Speaker 1: All right, guys, you know the drill. Tell your mom,
Speaker 1: tell your dad, tellto tell everybody because I share the
Speaker 1: love one job shed alough because we love that. I
Speaker 1: wonder what her name is singing here And so y'all
Speaker 1: let it