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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, if your parents are still alive, regardless of what's

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Speaker 2: happened in the past, I wonder if you could reach

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Speaker 2: out to them this week and just check in, tell

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Speaker 2: them that you're thinking about them, and maybe even say

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Speaker 2: those three really important words that parents need to hear

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Speaker 2: just as much as kids. Let them know that you

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Speaker 2: love them.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and Dad.

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Speaker 2: There's just something about Friday mornings that feels fantastic. I

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Speaker 2: love Fridays.

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Speaker 3: It must be the anticipation with curbside pickup happening on

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Speaker 3: Monday that you're going to be emptying the garage and

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Speaker 3: mowing the lawns and blowing the leaves.

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Speaker 4: I'm sure that's what it is.

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Speaker 2: I won't be blowing and he leaves off the roof

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Speaker 2: this week. I'm very excited to use my new blower, though.

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Speaker 4: I am too if it keeps you off the roof.

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Speaker 2: And I'm so glad that I got a new blower

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Speaker 2: and not a.

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Speaker 4: New back, I am too. I'm very glad.

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Speaker 2: We should introduce ourselves for those of you who are

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Speaker 2: you to the podcast. I'm Justin and I'm Kylie, and

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Speaker 2: we're the parents of six daughters. I'm the founder of

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Speaker 2: happy Families dot com dot you and have written a

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Speaker 2: bunch of books about how to make your family happier.

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Speaker 2: You can find out more about all that at happy

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Speaker 2: families dot com dot you. Today our favorite episode of

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Speaker 2: the week. Every single week, we love this one.

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Speaker 3: It's our I'll Do Better Tomorrow episode where we get

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Speaker 3: to reflect on the things that we've done through the

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Speaker 3: week as parents and share the learnings that we've had

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Speaker 3: from them.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, sometimes we really get it right. Sometimes we totally

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Speaker 2: get it wrong. And even though I've written the books,

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Speaker 2: and even though we've got the six kids and I

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Speaker 2: waive that PhD around and say look at me doctor, Well,

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Speaker 2: actually I die. But I've got the quolls, we still

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Speaker 2: really struggle, don't we Like it's hard to have kids

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Speaker 2: and run a happy family. So it's a chance to

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Speaker 2: rethink our parenting. And I think that this is the

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Speaker 2: important part, right to be really self aware and reflect

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Speaker 2: on how our parenting's going. What we always do before

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Speaker 2: we share our wins or our struggles from the week

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Speaker 2: is we dive into your little wins with your little ones,

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Speaker 2: and we give away a pross that fast Little Wins

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Speaker 2: with little Ones, Little winds, little ones, stop showing. Last

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Speaker 2: week we did the tongue twisters. I've been thinking of more,

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Speaker 2: but I'm not going to put you through it this week.

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Speaker 2: That was fun last week. Although I did listen to

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Speaker 2: you on one and a half speed, it sounded like

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Speaker 2: you really did it well on one and a half speed.

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Speaker 4: Yeah I did.

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Speaker 2: I did.

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Speaker 4: Let's just leave it.

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Speaker 2: At that, Little Wins, Little Ones. This week our winner

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Speaker 2: of the Happy Families a five posters the twelfth pack

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Speaker 2: of all the posters of some of my justinisms. The

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Speaker 2: stuff that I say to help families be happy Like

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Speaker 2: happy families don't just happen and be where your feet

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Speaker 2: are is Kate Hopton. Congratulations Kate. This is what Kate

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Speaker 2: told us about her little Wins with her little Ones.

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Speaker 3: My little seven year old Ballerina had a meltdown on

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Speaker 3: Sunday regarding her ballet lessons and an upcoming exam using

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Speaker 3: some of the strategies from the Little People, Big Feelings Summit.

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Speaker 3: We navigated the emotions and managed to happily go and

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Speaker 3: enjoy ballet on Monday, she decided even though it's tough,

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Speaker 3: it's worth doing and that anxious thoughts pass. She doesn't

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Speaker 3: want to miss doing what she loves. We're so proud

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Speaker 3: of her.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, great story. Love hearing that. Kate, by the way,

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Speaker 2: participated in the Little People, Big Feelings Summit that was

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Speaker 2: a few weeks back. That is not available anymore. It

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Speaker 2: was a one off, but we may make it available

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Speaker 2: later in the year. So if you do have little

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Speaker 2: ones and they have really big feelings, we'll give you

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Speaker 2: some more and fo about that down the track. Well,

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Speaker 2: and Kate, thanks for sharing. Every Wednesday, we have Little

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Speaker 2: Winds Wednesday on Facebook. That's where you get to share

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Speaker 2: you little winds with your little ones with us and

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Speaker 2: hopefully you'll be able to score one of those A

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Speaker 2: five poster packs as well. So, Kylie, I'll do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 2: Why don't you go first today? Have you done well

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Speaker 2: or do you need to do better tomorrow? Are going

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Speaker 2: to celebrate a success or has there been a bit

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Speaker 2: of challenge? I can tell from the look on your

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Speaker 2: face that this is going to be an interesting one.

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Speaker 3: Well, let's just put it out there from the very

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Speaker 3: beginning that you actually left me you were away.

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Speaker 4: I'm on my own. I'm doing this all by myself. Okay,

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Speaker 4: so what you know, So we're all clear.

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Speaker 2: One of the realities of the life that we live

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Speaker 2: is that because I spend time helping other people to

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Speaker 2: make their families happy, sometimes I leave you to make

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Speaker 2: our family happy without me.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and sometimes I'm awesome, and sometimes I just get

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Speaker 3: it wrong.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes you're not quite as awesome, just not well. I

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Speaker 2: was away at the start of the week, so this

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Speaker 2: must be a story from the beginning.

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Speaker 4: Of the week.

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Speaker 3: So Sunday night, we had to go to a meeting

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Speaker 3: for the kids as an upcoming camp, and I had

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Speaker 3: to take everyone because you weren't around to look after them.

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Speaker 4: So the little kids and me went along with the

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Speaker 4: big kids.

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Speaker 3: But there was somebody who needed a ride home, so

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Speaker 3: I dropped the kids off so that they could go

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Speaker 3: to bed, and then I race this person home.

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Speaker 2: So you've left the big kids in charge of the

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Speaker 2: little kids so that they can organize themselves for bed.

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Speaker 2: I can see where this is going already.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, sometimes it works beautifully, and sometimes someone's not happy

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Speaker 3: that a big sister wants to play parent.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, there's something about that isn't it like kids hate

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Speaker 2: being parented by their siblings.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, you're only two years older than me.

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Speaker 2: You're not the boss of me.

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Speaker 4: That's right. And so this is exactly what happened.

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Speaker 3: It all blew out because big daughter was trying to

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Speaker 3: do the right thing by me and help get all

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Speaker 3: of the other kids into bed, and one of the

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Speaker 3: other teenagers blew up. They were just like, you're not

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Speaker 3: my mom. You don't get to tell me what to do.

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Speaker 3: I can do what I want. And so that's where

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Speaker 3: it all started, right. So I walked in after getting

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Speaker 3: a phone call to say how far away are you?

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Speaker 3: Things are not going well. You don't ever like to

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Speaker 3: have those phone calls.

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Speaker 2: Now, and they kind of when you get a phone

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Speaker 2: call like that front of the kids, you walk in

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Speaker 2: the door ready for action. Yes, and it's not the

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Speaker 2: kind of action that's usually positive. Right, You're in there

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Speaker 2: primed for a fight.

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Speaker 3: Yes, Well, the whole neighborhood could hear our house that night.

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Speaker 3: There were two children who were very very loud.

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Speaker 2: We need to buy an acreage. Seriously, Yes we do.

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Speaker 3: But based on the phone call that I'd received, I

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Speaker 3: made an assumption about what was going on. I didn't

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Speaker 3: take any time or thought to kind of check in

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Speaker 3: and find out what had happened. I just took the

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Speaker 3: information I had. I came caught the emotion.

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Speaker 2: Of the moment, all guns blazing.

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Speaker 3: All guns blazing, laid down the law and send everybody

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Speaker 3: to bed.

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Speaker 2: Did you think to yourself at that point, nailed it?

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Speaker 4: No?

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Speaker 2: I didn't, because what parent ever does?

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Speaker 3: No.

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Speaker 4: I didn't.

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Speaker 3: I went to bed, and I was just fuming that

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Speaker 3: I couldn't leave the children for half an hour for

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Speaker 3: goodness sakes without something falling apart.

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Speaker 4: And damn it, I know better.

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Speaker 2: And then big enough to actually get this right, like

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Speaker 2: they should not actually be treating each other like that,

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Speaker 2: because we're talking about seventeen and fourteen and eleven.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart.

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Speaker 3: So I found this really awesome podcast, but I love

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Speaker 3: to listen to it. It's a great way to start

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Speaker 3: my day.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, which one is?

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Speaker 4: It?

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Speaker 2: Is it? It's how one you listen to our podcasts.

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Speaker 2: It might be it might be Okay, I do too.

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Speaker 2: I need the.

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Speaker 4: Reminders and that's exactly it.

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Speaker 3: I love listening to it because it reminds me of

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Speaker 3: who I am and who I want to be and

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Speaker 3: what I need to be doing.

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Speaker 4: Yep, Well I had to eat my own words. Come

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Speaker 4: Monday morning.

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Speaker 2: What was Monday fight Club? Fight flight Club? Oh, if

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Speaker 2: you haven't listened to our fight club, Oh that's so that,

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Speaker 2: that is poetic, that is so good. So if you

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Speaker 2: haven't listened to Monday's episode on fight Club and how

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Speaker 2: to do with sibling rivalry, you can listen.

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Speaker 4: You might want to.

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Speaker 3: Listen to Kylie's words, because it wasn't even you who

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Speaker 3: was dishing out the advice.

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Speaker 2: It was me.

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Speaker 4: It was so bad.

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Speaker 3: And then just to make the you know, add salt

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Speaker 3: to the wound, come Tuesday, how to deal with teenages

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Speaker 3: and their attitudes?

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Speaker 2: Oh dear, oh that's so good. So you've lost it

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Speaker 2: on Sunday, taken all of the wrong advice from the

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Speaker 2: wrong child. I'm assuming that you got it wrong there,

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Speaker 2: and then you've blown up at all the kids, and

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Speaker 2: then Monday morning you've heard how you're supposed to deal

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Speaker 2: with sibling rivalry from your own mouth.

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Speaker 4: From my own mouth. That's exactly right.

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Speaker 2: And did you do it?

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Speaker 3: Oh gosh, So Monday came and the child who thought

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Speaker 3: that she was hard done by yep, refused to go

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Speaker 3: to school, literally, hands down, refused. Outside of me picking

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Speaker 3: her up and physically putting her in the car, there

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Speaker 3: was no way I was getting at to school that day.

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Speaker 2: You can't do that with a fourteen year old. They

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Speaker 2: get to a point where they know that you can

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Speaker 2: no longer carry them to the car.

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Speaker 4: And she knows.

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Speaker 3: So I just decided that, knowing her and her personality,

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Speaker 3: I just needed to give her time to digest what

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Speaker 3: had happened and work it out in her head before

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Speaker 3: I could even venture to have a conversation.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because big emotions low intelligence, or high emotions low intelligence,

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Speaker 2: So you gotta wait till everyone's calm down.

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Speaker 3: So luckily I had a day at home and I

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Speaker 3: just got on with my day, and you know, she

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Speaker 3: worked on schoolwork, so she was doing the right thing

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Speaker 3: at least there. And at one point I just said

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Speaker 3: to her, I said, you know that at some point

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Speaker 3: you are going to have to talk to me about

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Speaker 3: what happened last night. I said, you can't have a

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Speaker 3: day off school and not deal with what's going on.

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Speaker 3: And she said, I know. But I was getting these

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Speaker 3: ones one or two word answers to anything that I

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Speaker 3: put in you know, in front of her.

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Speaker 2: So this is really important though, because as a take

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Speaker 2: home message, yeah, you might blow it, but regardless of

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Speaker 2: who's fault it is, there has to be a repair,

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Speaker 2: there has to be a reconciliation, and we've got to

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Speaker 2: discuss boundaries. We've got to review what happened so that

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Speaker 2: we can hopefully not go through it again and again.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, I'll do, but it's Morrow's story where you

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Speaker 2: blew it. But it's important that we get to that

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Speaker 2: next step, which is obviously what you've done.

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Speaker 3: So what happened, it took half the day, was after

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Speaker 3: lunch where she finally came and she said, hey, Mum,

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Speaker 3: I'm ready to talk, and I said, awesome, let's sit down.

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Speaker 3: And at that point it became very clear that she

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Speaker 3: must have had a conversation with you, because she was

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Speaker 3: ready to apologize.

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Speaker 2: I might have encouraged her to do that on the phone.

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Speaker 3: So she sat down and she apologized, and she told

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Speaker 3: me that she recognized that what happened last night was

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Speaker 3: completely out of line, that she had lost lost her control,

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Speaker 3: and that she had dealt with things in a really,

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Speaker 3: really poor way. I was able to then acknowledge that

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Speaker 3: I had done pretty much the same thing that she'd

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Speaker 3: done for a completely different reason. I'd come in, I

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Speaker 3: justified my emotion based on what was in front of me,

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Speaker 3: and I'd made assumptions that were clearly wrong.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so important that parents are willing to do that,

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Speaker 2: and I think that's great. Let me share something with

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Speaker 2: you that I think every parent needs to hear, and

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Speaker 2: that is that quite often we behave in ways that

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Speaker 2: are simply unacceptable, and we say that we did it

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Speaker 2: because our child behaved in a way that was completely unacceptable.

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Speaker 2: But if we were to remove the child's behavior from

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Speaker 2: the context, if we saw another parent behaving the way

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Speaker 2: we behaved, we'd probably be a bit judgy about that behavior,

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Speaker 2: would say, oh, my goodness, that parent is out of control.

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Speaker 2: That parent should know better. It doesn't really matter what

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Speaker 2: the kids do. No parents should be acting like that.

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Speaker 2: And the only reason that we behave the way we do.

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Speaker 2: We justify our behavior based on the behavior of the child.

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Speaker 2: But you know what the child's doing. They're justifying their

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Speaker 2: behavior on ours. And we actually rely on one another,

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Speaker 2: we make a pact with one another. We're going to

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Speaker 2: treat each other badly because it's the other person's fault.

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Speaker 2: It's just so critical that we've got to stand above

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Speaker 2: that and do better. And I love the fact that

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Speaker 2: you've had this conversation. So all's well. That ends well?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 4: Yes, right until next time? Oh no, don't leave us.

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Speaker 2: No, I don't like leaving it. I have to be honest.

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Speaker 2: It's the hardest part of doing what I do is

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Speaker 2: packing up to leave. I mean, I joke about it.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to go and make other people's families happy now,

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Speaker 2: but it's so hard to leave. Hey, thanks for sharing that.

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Speaker 2: That's a tough story. Maybe our podcast could be helpful

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Speaker 2: for helping our family to be happier as well.

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Speaker 4: I think that I need to put fight Club on.

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Speaker 2: Repeat, right Just yeah, all right, We'll willing to it

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Speaker 2: in the show notes so it's easy for you to

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Speaker 2: find as well. And if someone else is dealing with

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Speaker 2: sibling challenges, hopefully it will be helpful for them. That

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Speaker 2: was Monday's episode. Thanks for sharing. In just a second,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to share my old do Better tomorrow. It's

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Speaker 2: the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having

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Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts

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Speaker 5: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits

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Speaker 5: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies

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Speaker 5: dot com dot au slash shop.

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Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for a time

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Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now. And I'm super

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Speaker 3: keen to hear what your old do better Tomorrow is

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Speaker 3: because I've had a really tough one.

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Speaker 2: So the I really loved your story and I'd love

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Speaker 2: to just spend more time unpacking that. But I know

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Speaker 2: that the deal is that we each share something. Normally

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Speaker 2: we talk about parenting when we're talking about i'ld do

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Speaker 2: better tomorrow. But this week I've had a really big

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Speaker 2: week with work. At at the beginning of the week,

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Speaker 2: somebody said, oh, it's easy for Justin, he's a professional parent.

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Speaker 2: But I got to tell you, it's really hard to

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Speaker 2: be a parenting expert and to apparently be awesome with

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Speaker 2: your kids, because every now and again we have those

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Speaker 2: weeks where I'm just not home. I've been down in

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Speaker 2: New South Wales, I've been traveling all over Queensland this

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Speaker 2: week and have literally, I mean, I hate to confess this,

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Speaker 2: but I literally haven't had a single night in my

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Speaker 2: own bed this week, which means that I haven't woken

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Speaker 2: up with the kids, and I have Sometimes the parenting

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Speaker 2: expert doesn't actually see the kids, and it's really easy

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Speaker 2: to be a parenting expert when you don't have to

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Speaker 2: do the parenting. So that's not actually my I'd do

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Speaker 2: better tomorrow. But that's the reason that I don't have

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Speaker 2: a story to tell about the kids. But something else

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Speaker 2: happened this week that is all about families, and it's

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Speaker 2: really it's really affected me. So late last week I

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Speaker 2: got a phone call right before I was about to

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Speaker 2: stand on a stage in front of a couple of

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Speaker 2: hundred people to give a talk about making families happy.

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Speaker 2: It was my mum and she was very very emotional,

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Speaker 2: like hysterical kind of thing. I don't like to say

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Speaker 2: that my mum was hysterical, but she was off the

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Speaker 2: scale upset and my dad had collapsed. He had her

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Speaker 2: heart problem. He'd call the ambulance and needed to call

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Speaker 2: mum and he literally said I'm dying. I think I'm dying.

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Speaker 2: You need to get home now. So Mum was calling

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Speaker 2: me in the car as she raced home to find

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Speaker 2: out if she was going to have a husband with her.

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Speaker 2: He survived. I'm so grateful that he survived. But I

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Speaker 2: chose to take the opportunity while I was shooting down

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Speaker 2: to Sydney for a client. I went down early and

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Speaker 2: I spent some time with my parents and just got

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Speaker 2: to spend a sort of a half a day with

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Speaker 2: them to check in on them and make sure that

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Speaker 2: they were doing okay. Turns out that he had pulmonary embolisms,

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Speaker 2: which are clots in the lungs and in the legs

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Speaker 2: and in the shoulders. He's got a whole lot of

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Speaker 2: blood plots in his body, and he very very nearly died.

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Speaker 2: The doctors think that he had a heart attack in

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Speaker 2: association with the blood clots, and somehow he pulled through.

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Speaker 2: Two thirds of people die within two hours of this happening,

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Speaker 2: and somehow he survived. And I think, just on reflection

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Speaker 2: the reminder of mortal and seeing our parents get older,

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Speaker 2: I kind of don't look at my parents as old people.

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Speaker 2: They're just my parents, and I love them, and they

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Speaker 2: don't see themselves as old people either, and realistically they're not.

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Speaker 2: They're not that old in the scheme of things. But

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Speaker 2: this thing happens, and I just I guess my old

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Speaker 2: do Better Tomorrow is are we checking in? Are we

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Speaker 2: telling our parents that we love them? I know that

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Speaker 2: we're always talking about going to our kids and making

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Speaker 2: sure that they feel that love. But family is everything.

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Speaker 2: Family is so important, and my old do Better Tomorrow

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Speaker 2: is really simple. If your parents are still alive, regardless

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Speaker 2: of what's happened in the past, I wonder if you

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Speaker 2: could reach out to them this week and just check in,

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Speaker 2: tell them that you're thinking about them, and maybe even

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Speaker 2: say those three really important words that parents need to

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Speaker 2: hear just as much as kids. Let them know that

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Speaker 2: you love them. It's just so important. So I don't

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Speaker 2: know if mom and dad are listening to the podcast

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Speaker 2: or not, but Dad, I'm really glad you're okay, And Mum,

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Speaker 2: I'm glad that I got to help you to be

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Speaker 2: calm before I still on stage in front of a

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Speaker 2: couple of hundred people and had to forget that my

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Speaker 2: dad was maybe not going to be alive by the

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Speaker 2: time I finish my talk, and I'm especially grateful that

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Speaker 2: he is because family is everything. You made me get

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Speaker 2: a weepy Yeah, that's my specialty, right, Yes, well, we

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Speaker 2: really hope that you enjoyed the podcast. Thank you so

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Speaker 2: much for listening. We're grateful for every single person who

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Speaker 2: listens to what we share, and we hope that it

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Speaker 2: makes a difference in your family, makes your family happier. Please,

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Speaker 2: if you do enjoy the program, jump onto Apple Podcasts

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Speaker 2: and leave a rating and review. Those five star ratings

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Speaker 2: and reviews help other people to find out all about

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Speaker 2: the podcast and make their family happier. The take home

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Speaker 2: message Kylie For me, it's really simple. Ring your parents,

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Speaker 2: tell them that you love them. What is it for you?

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Speaker 4: Listen to the podcast?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and then actually put it into action.

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Speaker 4: Yes. Practice makes perfect.

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Speaker 3: Yes, and I have a lot of years ahead of

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Speaker 3: me to continue practicing.

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Speaker 2: And the kids will give you an opportunity every day

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Speaker 2: they will. The Happy Family pod Caster is produced by

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Speaker 2: Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.

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Speaker 2: We love it when you check out our Facebook page

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Speaker 2: so that you can follow along and get loads of

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Speaker 2: free info, and we especially love it when you join

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Speaker 2: the Happy Families membership so that you can get daily, weekly,

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00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:18,119
Speaker 2: and monthly expert advice for improving how things work in

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Speaker 2: your family. You can get all the info you need

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Speaker 2: at happyfamilies dot com, dot a u