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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just answers Now when you get

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Speaker 1: too focused on routine, when you don't have enough flexibility,

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Speaker 1: anything that's random, anything that's unexpected, any sort of volatility

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Speaker 1: that happens in the environment, and it's like it's gone.

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Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 2: and dad.

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Speaker 1: We are Justin and Kylie Coulson, the podcast hosts of

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Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast, and the bets are On Tonight

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Speaker 1: we find out who the winner of Parental Guidance Season

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Speaker 1: one is. We've got Tiger Parents up against Free Range

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Speaker 1: of Parents and they're both going camping. Neither of them

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Speaker 1: have ever camped before.

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Speaker 2: You should have heard the noise and outlound through last

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Speaker 2: night as the kids like what is going on?

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Speaker 1: I love this show. I love the conversations that it's creating.

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Speaker 1: So we can't wait for tomorrow where we go to

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Speaker 1: interview the winners of Parental Guidance. We'll find out who

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Speaker 1: they are tonight and look forward to a conversation with

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Speaker 1: them first thing tomorrow when you wake up and the

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Speaker 1: podcast drops. In the meantime, we need to talk about

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Speaker 1: what happened last night in the crowded house. Our final

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Speaker 1: two activities, our final two sets of parents took over

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Speaker 1: parenting twelve kids and giving them memories that will.

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Speaker 2: Be memorable, definitely memorable.

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Speaker 1: So we had what do we have? We had Andrew Miriam.

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Speaker 2: With the Ossie barbecue yep.

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Speaker 1: And Britain Tony did the dream part which they turned

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Speaker 1: at Azara's birthday party. Let's talk about that after break. We'll

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Speaker 1: stick with Andrew Miriam's Ossie Barbecue right now. Now, I

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Speaker 1: think for those of you who haven't seen the show,

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Speaker 1: what's essentially happened is we've got a couple of parents

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Speaker 1: known as the Strict Parents, and they've got to put

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Speaker 1: on an incredible Australian barbecue for twelve kids and get

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Speaker 1: the kids completely involved, absorbed and focused on doing things

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Speaker 1: for the duration. And there were some let's talk less

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Speaker 1: about how Andrew Miriam did and just the central talking

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Speaker 1: points the things that we can take from it as

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Speaker 1: parents so that we can be better as parents when

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Speaker 1: we're working with our kids to put together a great

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Speaker 1: Ozzie barbecue.

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Speaker 3: So guys, listen, listen. Our parenting style, our paaring style

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Speaker 3: is strict, and that means that when we played by

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Speaker 3: the rules, everyone has more fun.

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Speaker 1: That's not fun. Our basic plan was prepare hard, play hard.

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Speaker 1: We need onions.

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Speaker 2: Onions.

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Speaker 1: We need onions. Now I command you to make the

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Speaker 1: onions clicker.

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Speaker 2: Well, there's three things that stood out to me. There

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Speaker 2: was the induction process.

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Speaker 1: Which was laboursome and challenging, and twelve kids did not

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Speaker 1: want to sit there for too long and be told

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Speaker 1: all the strict rules that they were going to have

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Speaker 1: to adhere to. That was tough.

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Speaker 2: And then there was the involvement as everybody worked together

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Speaker 2: as a team yep to get the job done. And

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Speaker 2: then there was connection having lunch when they were all

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Speaker 2: able to sit down at the dinner table and have

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Speaker 2: lunch together.

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Speaker 1: Sure, and there was another series a series of moments

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Speaker 1: around induction. Again, once lunch was finished, it was time

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Speaker 1: to play when the water pistols came out, which really

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Speaker 1: ties in very much with our initial conversation about induction.

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Speaker 1: So let's start there and let's talk about giving kids instruction.

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Speaker 1: I think that it's fair to say if you saw

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Speaker 1: the show that it didn't go particularly well.

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Speaker 2: It was a long conversation, way too long. Lots of

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Speaker 2: different age groups, right.

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Speaker 1: Right, And this is the critical thing as parents when

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Speaker 1: it comes to giving our kids instruction. Once we start talking,

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Speaker 1: their brain does one thing and one thing only it

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Speaker 1: stops working completely, like they just they switch off. And

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Speaker 1: you could see it in the kids, their eyes glazed over.

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Speaker 1: The older kids did better than the younger kids. And

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Speaker 1: there's a developmental reality here. Children struggle to listen, and

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Speaker 1: the younger they are, the more they struggle well, and.

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Speaker 2: Families deal with this all the time. Right, We've got

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Speaker 2: a two year old and a ten year old, right,

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Speaker 2: but we've got to deal with the whole family. Yes,

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Speaker 2: And so there is challenge for every single parent out

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Speaker 2: there of how to make this age appropriate and time sensitive.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to say sensitive because it really is.

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Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah. So here are my tips you might

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Speaker 1: have some as well for giving kids instruction. Number one,

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Speaker 1: keep it really short, like really short, like not nearly

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Speaker 1: as long as it went last night, like really short.

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Speaker 1: And did you notice how long I took to say

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Speaker 1: to keep it really short? I took too long. Keep

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Speaker 1: it really short for a kid just in and out,

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Speaker 1: here's what I need. But what you usually will happen

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Speaker 1: is that they will miss it because you've kept it

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Speaker 1: really short. So I think that the next thing to

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Speaker 1: make sure that you're doing well you're keeping it really short,

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Speaker 1: is make sure you've got eye contact, because when they're

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Speaker 1: looking in your eyes, you know that they're much more

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Speaker 1: likely to be paying attention. But you know, the thing

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Speaker 1: that really clinches it, the thing that actually makes it work,

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Speaker 1: what you get them to repeat back to you what

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Speaker 1: they've got to do.

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Speaker 2: I would have said to involve them in the process.

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Speaker 1: Oh do you mean collaborate with them on what needs

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Speaker 1: to be done. Yeah, that's even better. That's great because.

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Speaker 2: Then there's brain thinking yeah, yeah, yeah, and then they're

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Speaker 2: more inclined to do it because they've come up with

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Speaker 2: the suggestions.

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Speaker 1: Which ties in with what we do with our morning

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Speaker 1: routine right where you don't tell the kids do this,

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Speaker 1: do that. We said to them, hey, what's next? What

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Speaker 1: do you need to do other than you need to

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Speaker 1: go and do this. I've told you a thousand times

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Speaker 1: going The reason we tell them a thousand times because

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Speaker 1: they didn't listen for the first nine hundred and ninety nine.

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Speaker 1: Because they don't want to listen, we're boring. So if

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Speaker 1: we say, hey, what's next, what do you need to

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Speaker 1: do what do you think would be good? Now, they're

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Speaker 1: actually much more likely to do it. So giving kids instruction,

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Speaker 1: keep it short and simple, get eye contact to the

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Speaker 1: extent that you can get them to buy into it

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Speaker 1: and tell you what to do, or at least to

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Speaker 1: repeat back to you what you've asked.

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Speaker 2: Then there was this opportunity for everybody to get.

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Speaker 1: Involved do the work.

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Speaker 2: In doing the work. And there again was a lot

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Speaker 2: of sour faces. Kids were not happy that they were

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Speaker 2: having to do something that's right.

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Speaker 1: So I think there's an important lesson here, and that

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Speaker 1: is sometimes you've got to say the kids, sorry, stuff

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Speaker 1: has to be done, and sometimes doing stuff just isn't

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Speaker 1: that fun. But if we all get in and get

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Speaker 1: it done, we get to enjoy the rewards. And we

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Speaker 1: saw that, and I love this. In the entire four

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Speaker 1: days that all these families are in the crowded house,

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Speaker 1: we only really saw one sit down meal together. It

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Speaker 1: was the lunchtime that Andrew and Miriam put on for

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Speaker 1: the Great Ozzie barbecuehere. They said no, no, we're gonna wait

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Speaker 1: and we're gonna eat together. We're gonna eat at the

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Speaker 1: table together. It just felt good. Didn't it. Okay, I

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Speaker 1: think we're ready for sit.

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Speaker 3: Down food after all that good epic, but we have

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Speaker 3: to wait to eat.

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Speaker 1: Together, don't forget.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so we've got some beautiful food here. I'm going

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Speaker 3: to give thanks for this food. It's closed our eyes

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Speaker 3: and give thanks this food Father God, thank you for

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Speaker 3: this food, this beautiful day, and for the friends we have.

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Speaker 2: Amen dig in what was not.

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Speaker 1: Rare as as short as I ever heard, Hello God. Amen.

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Speaker 2: It was really nice to see the parents having conversations

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Speaker 2: with the kids and just having that one on one connection. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: it was a beautiful moment.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I agree. So that was a really interesting

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Speaker 1: one to watch. Probably also worth highlighting again at the

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Speaker 1: end of the session. At the end of the barbecue,

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Speaker 1: they had the big water pistol water gun fight, and

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Speaker 1: once again there was a big sit down. Let me

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Speaker 1: explain the rules they were playing, trying to play Capture

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Speaker 1: the Flag with kids age between five and ten, five

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Speaker 1: and twelve, and the little kids, it was just too

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Speaker 1: much for them, Like it's a complicated game if you've

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Speaker 1: never played it before, and I.

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Speaker 2: Think probably keep the guns hidden. Yeah, the kids know

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Speaker 2: what's happening.

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Speaker 1: Totally, totally and maybe play games that are more in

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Speaker 1: line with the developmental capacity of the kids, Like if

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Speaker 1: you've got kids that are ten and up, twelve and up,

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Speaker 1: you'll be able to play Capture the Flag no worries,

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Speaker 1: But younger kids it's a little bit complex if they've

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Speaker 1: never done it before and there's so much going on.

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Speaker 1: So they were the really big things I think to

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Speaker 1: come out of that. As from a parenting perspective, keep

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Speaker 1: your instructions short and sweet, have moments of connection, and

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Speaker 1: let the kids know, yes, sometimes stuff's boring, but we've

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Speaker 1: got to do it so that we can enjoy the

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Speaker 1: good times. When we work.

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Speaker 2: Together as a team, things happen much quicker and we're

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Speaker 2: able to enjoy our time together a lot faster.

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Speaker 1: After the break, we find out where Brita and Tony

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Speaker 1: went right and where they went wrong with their dream

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Speaker 1: party that turned into a three year old party. Fizara,

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Speaker 1: it's their Happy Families.

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Speaker 4: Podcat Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, Teens and Screens

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Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.

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Speaker 4: Bye today at Happyfamilies dot com dot au slash shop.

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 2: Poor Parent who just Wants Answers Now, And today we

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Speaker 2: are reviewing last night's episode on parental guidance in the

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Speaker 2: Crowded House, and we've had our last two super challenges.

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Speaker 1: We've seen two sets of parents struggle with twelve kids

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Speaker 1: as they've tried to put on a barbecue and now

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Speaker 1: a dream party Breton Tony. I mean, they had the

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Speaker 1: right idea, they had the routine. But you know what

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Speaker 1: I saw really really clearly, and that is that when

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Speaker 1: you get too focused on routine, when you don't have

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Speaker 1: enough flexibility, anything that's random, anything that's unexpected, any sort

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Speaker 1: of volatility that happens in the environment, and it's like

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Speaker 1: it's gone, and how do we get back to the routine.

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Speaker 1: There was a lack of flexibility, lack of capacity to adapt,

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Speaker 1: and I think that as parents, it's something that we've

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Speaker 1: got to be able to respond to.

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Speaker 2: I wonder if sometimes parents get stuck in this rat

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Speaker 2: of routine where they actually get stuck in autopilot mode

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Speaker 2: without having to think about anything because they're just following

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Speaker 2: what's on the paper.

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Speaker 1: So years ago I read it in a book and

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Speaker 1: I've adopted it as a phrase that I use all

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Speaker 1: the time. Now we get stuck on autoparent rather than autopilot,

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Speaker 1: and the more we auto parent, the less effectively we

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Speaker 1: can respond to unexpected challenges in the environment. If you've

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Speaker 1: got children, there are going to be regular unexpected challenges,

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Speaker 1: which we saw with the dream party. We will nail

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Speaker 1: this if we utilize our three piece of parenting, planning,

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Speaker 1: process and participation.

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Speaker 3: So to be successful, we want to have lots of fun.

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Speaker 1: What are our ideas we should decorate the outside of

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Speaker 1: the house part of that, I think we should come

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Speaker 1: into a watermelon Leslie's bo one at a time.

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Speaker 2: The birthday party looked amazing with all the beautiful decoration

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Speaker 2: and lots of nice food. Oh what else stood out

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Speaker 2: to you?

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Speaker 4: Well?

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Speaker 1: I love I love the delight. I mean there was

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Speaker 1: there was a lot of fun at this dream party,

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Speaker 1: and I think that that's because parties are fun, full stop.

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Speaker 1: End of story. But I think it's also worth highlighting

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Speaker 1: just one other thing from a parenting perspective that's really important,

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Speaker 1: and that is that when when you start to end

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Speaker 1: up out of control, you can't let the kids know

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Speaker 1: like they see it. They feed off it, They know

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Speaker 1: they can tell, and emotions are contagious. And what ended

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Speaker 1: up happening at a couple of points is that as

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Speaker 1: Breton Tony increasingly felt out of their depth, the kids

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Speaker 1: fed off it and got crazier and crazy. Like the

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Speaker 1: kids catch our chaos, and they catch our cranky and

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Speaker 1: they catch ow crazy, but they also catch how calm.

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Speaker 1: I talk about all the time how emotions are contagious,

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Speaker 1: and my feeling was that a few times emotions just

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Speaker 1: weren't quite in check. There was a sense of I

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Speaker 1: might say that Breton Tony seemed terrified once or twice.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm overstating it or not. I sorry,

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Speaker 1: Breton Tony, if you're listening, I'm not trying to give

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Speaker 1: you two hard a time here. But it was like, no,

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Speaker 1: we're out of control. This isn't how it was supposed

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Speaker 1: to be.

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Speaker 2: Well, they acknowledged that, They one hundred percent acknowledge that.

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Speaker 2: But I guess the question I have now that you've

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Speaker 2: you know, kind of shared what you shared is just

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Speaker 2: I think it's every parent's nightmare to find yourself out

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Speaker 2: of your depth, and it happens regularly for so many

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Speaker 2: of us where we're just placed in these situations, go

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Speaker 2: Holy heck, how did I get here? How do I

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Speaker 2: get out of here?

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Speaker 1: So?

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Speaker 2: Do you have any tips with mums and dads when

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Speaker 2: they're in that situation? How how do you, you know,

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Speaker 2: kind of not let the kids catch the emotions that

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Speaker 2: you're feeling in that moment. What can you do to

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Speaker 2: kind of pull it all back, rein it in and

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Speaker 2: get back on track.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. So, I mean, I'm talking to myself as much

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Speaker 1: as anyone here, because I've said this many times. I

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Speaker 1: don't claim to any parenting perfection. So what I'm about

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Speaker 1: to share I struggle with myself. We all do, like

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Speaker 1: it's it's really hard to get this right, but I reckon,

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Speaker 1: there's a couple of things that we can do. First

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Speaker 1: of all, you got to make sure that you're well rested.

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Speaker 1: You can't parent well if you're exhausted and you're hungry,

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Speaker 1: and you're tired, and you're sick and you're stressed, like

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Speaker 1: it just it doesn't work. The second thing, though, is

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Speaker 1: you've got to you've got to recognize the triggers. So

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Speaker 1: I've recognized, for.

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Speaker 2: Me, if I was bredent Tony, I would have canned

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Speaker 2: the party from the beginning after that sleepover, that's right

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Speaker 2: after that sleepover, there wasn't going to be no win, no, no, no.

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Speaker 1: I think I think that's a fair call. I do think, though,

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Speaker 1: that we need to know what our triggers are and

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Speaker 1: we've got to practice how we're going to respond. Like

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Speaker 1: the answer is be intentional.

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Speaker 2: Oh, kids give you lots of opportunities to practice.

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Speaker 3: Well.

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Speaker 1: I know that one of my triggers is disrespect. When

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Speaker 1: the kids are just super, super disrespectful, I know that

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Speaker 1: that triggers. It sets me off and I'm not able

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Speaker 1: to be my best. And so what I need to

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Speaker 1: do when that happens is I've got to think to myself,

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Speaker 1: I've just experienced disrespect. What was the response that I

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Speaker 1: decided on ahead of time? And I've got to drag

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Speaker 1: that response out of myself when it's exactly the sort

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Speaker 1: of what I want to do, Because what I want

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Speaker 1: to do is rant and rave and say, don't you

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Speaker 1: dare disrespect me in the most disrespectful manner possible. And

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Speaker 1: I think that's that's the hardest thing about being a parent,

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Speaker 1: is hang on, what's the right way for me to

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Speaker 1: respond to this thing that triggers me so much and

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Speaker 1: sets me off. I how do I get there? And

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Speaker 1: then in the moment, remind yourself that that's what you

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Speaker 1: committed to do, really hard to do it, but that's

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Speaker 1: that's the solution.

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Speaker 2: Can I get all therapists on you at the moment?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? Are you going to be therapy minded? Are you? Well?

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Speaker 2: I'm just wondering whether it would actually be more helpful

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Speaker 2: in a quiet space to actually start to think about

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Speaker 2: why that particular behavior is so triggering for you, and

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Speaker 2: if you're able to work out why it is and

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Speaker 2: then work out the belief behind that, what does that

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Speaker 2: say about you as a person.

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Speaker 1: So let me be far too vulnerable on the podcast.

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Speaker 1: When a child is disrespectful to me, one of our

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Speaker 1: kids is disrespectful to me, the reason that I struggle

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Speaker 1: to maintain my composure, the reason that I start to

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Speaker 1: get angry. I know that anger is a secondary emotion,

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Speaker 1: and anger comes from feeling something else first. And so

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Speaker 1: if I'm really honest with you about this, I get

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Speaker 1: angry because I'm either sad or scared. And when it

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Speaker 1: comes to disrespect, I think that the better word is terrified.

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Speaker 1: I'm terrified that my children in disrespecting me, are then

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Speaker 1: not going to listen to me, which means that my

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Speaker 1: opportunity to influence them and help them to make safe

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Speaker 1: and healthy decisions is going to be limited or even

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Speaker 1: zero because that disrespect. And of course, the great irony

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Speaker 1: is that because I'm so scared that they won't listen

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Speaker 1: to me, and I'm so scared that they'll make unsafe,

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Speaker 1: unhealthy choices. Because I'm so scared, I get angry that

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Speaker 1: they're not listening and that they're being disrespectful. So I

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Speaker 1: blow up at them.

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Speaker 2: You act in a way that actually creates what you.

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Speaker 1: Were Precisely, They're like, well, as if I'm going to

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Speaker 1: listen to him, he doesn't respect me, why would I

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Speaker 1: respect him? And so it's a really important question that

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Speaker 1: I've asked, and it's a really hard thing to acknowledge

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Speaker 1: and respond to, but that's in that's the great fear

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Speaker 1: that I have as a parent, What if I can't

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Speaker 1: influence my kids and keep them safe?

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Speaker 2: And then I guess going The next step is that

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Speaker 2: conversation we have with our kids that thoughts are just thoughts, right,

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Speaker 2: and they don't have to be truth because they're just

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Speaker 2: a thought. And so what is the thought that you

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Speaker 2: want to have to create the connection and the love

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Speaker 2: that you want between your child and you.

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Speaker 1: Well, I guess it's not necessarily true that if my

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Speaker 1: children are being disrespectful to me that I won't be

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Speaker 1: able to be influential lives. Unless I fight fire with fire.

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Speaker 1: Then it's almost certain that that'll be the case. But

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Speaker 1: that's going to be most parents, and it's certainly mine

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Speaker 1: instant response. That's why it's so important to have that

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Speaker 1: intentional fallback. And the intentional fallback for me has to be,

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Speaker 1: you're having a really rough time right now, you don't

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Speaker 1: like what's going on. And if they're angry, then they're

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Speaker 1: upset about something, They're fearful of something. Maybe they're fearful

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Speaker 1: of their autonomy being taken away or something like that.

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Speaker 1: So my job then is to step in and try

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Speaker 1: to understand, try to work through their situation rather than

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Speaker 1: making it all about me.

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Speaker 2: It's such a big, hard space to walk.

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Speaker 1: And all of that came out of Breton Tony's dream party.

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Speaker 1: How did that happen?

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Speaker 2: I think that this is where the power in the

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Speaker 2: show comes from, though, this opportunity for us to dig

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Speaker 2: deeper and have conversations that actually challenge us. Yeah, because

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Speaker 2: the shows the way we think.

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Speaker 1: The show's not really about the dream party, It's not

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Speaker 1: really about the crowded how so it's understanding what the

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Speaker 1: assumptions are that we have that underlay our parenting decisions.

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Speaker 1: And what we've got with Andrew and Miriam, our strict

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Speaker 1: parents giving those kids instructions, is a really strong feeling

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Speaker 1: that we've got to control our kids. Now. I'm not

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Speaker 1: saying this about Andrew Miriam. I haven't sat down with

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Speaker 1: them and asked them these questions. But ultimately, the more

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Speaker 1: controlling we are, I think we tend to control out

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Speaker 1: of a place of fear. That is, we're scared that

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Speaker 1: the kids are going to make poor choices, and so

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Speaker 1: we've got to control them. We've got to make sure

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Speaker 1: that we keep them on track. And when it comes

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Speaker 1: to the dream party with Breton Tony, emotions get really

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Speaker 1: big and everyone ends up all over the place and

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Speaker 1: it can be kind of chaotic. And how do we

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Speaker 1: respond to that and what can we do to keep

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Speaker 1: our emotions in check so that we can continue to

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Speaker 1: guide our children effectively and to influence them. Well, I

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Speaker 1: think they're the kinds of questions that the show's really

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Speaker 1: bringing up at a deeper level.

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Speaker 2: Well, I hope you've loved the show as much as

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Speaker 2: we have and have been able to have these kinds

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Speaker 2: of conversations with your significant other, with your children, with

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Speaker 2: your parents like this. This stuff really matters and it's

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Speaker 2: making a difference in our home as we've watched it

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Speaker 2: with our children.

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Speaker 1: Tonight, the finale of Parental Guidance. Please join us sign

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Speaker 1: channel nine seven thirty to find out which of our

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Speaker 1: two families is going to be crowned as having done

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Speaker 1: the best in the show. I mean, on the show

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Speaker 1: we're going to say it's the best parenting style in

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Speaker 1: Australia and all that kind of thing. But really we're

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Speaker 1: just talking about learning from parents and having a great time.

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Speaker 1: And I can't wait to see how they go on

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Speaker 1: the bush because they've never camped, either of them. This

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Speaker 1: is going to be so much fun. Looking forward to

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Speaker 1: seeing you on the TVA tonight. The Happy Famili's podcast

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Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce

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Speaker 1: is our executive producer and if you'd like more and

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Speaker 1: folve about making your family happier, please join us at

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Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot you. I will make sure

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Speaker 1: that you subscribe to the Happy Families newsletter by doing

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Speaker 1: the Parenting Styles quiz. Find out what parenting style you

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Speaker 1: are at Happy families dot com dot you. This weekend,

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Speaker 1: Little People, Big Feelings. It's the workshop for anyone that

407
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,600
Speaker 1: has kids under the age of let's say six or seven,

408
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:57,239
Speaker 1: who has big feelings and parents who want to keep

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Speaker 1: it under control. All the info at happy families dot com.

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Speaker 1: Do you