WEBVTT - Natalie Medhurst - Ordineroli Speaking 0:00:06.040 --> 0:00:09.240 Ordinarily speaking, I was a professional athlete living their dream, 0:00:09.840 --> 0:00:12.240 but behind the scenes there was so much more going 0:00:12.280 --> 0:00:14.480 on and so many struggles that I was facing. 0:00:21.280 --> 0:00:30.800 Soon time, Hello and welcome to ordinarily speaking. My guest 0:00:30.840 --> 0:00:36.280 today is a netball superstar, Natalie Medhurst Natalie CV is 0:00:36.360 --> 0:00:40.360 beyond impressive. In seventeen years as a professional netballer, she 0:00:40.400 --> 0:00:45.040 has represented Australia eighty six times, winning three World Championships 0:00:45.080 --> 0:00:48.560 as well as Commonwealth gold. On the domestic front, Nat 0:00:48.560 --> 0:00:51.720 has played two hundred and thirty five matches, third on 0:00:51.760 --> 0:00:55.760 the all time list behind Cathcox and Bianca Chatfield, and 0:00:55.840 --> 0:00:59.280 she was the comp's MVP when her Queensland Firebirds won 0:00:59.320 --> 0:01:03.160 the twenty year an A and Z Championship. Whilst achieving 0:01:03.280 --> 0:01:06.200 all these highs on the court of it, she was 0:01:06.319 --> 0:01:10.360 often struggling. For the first time. Nat reveals just how 0:01:10.440 --> 0:01:14.520 bad things got and it is confronting. If this triggers 0:01:14.560 --> 0:01:16.119 things for you, please. 0:01:15.800 --> 0:01:16.640 Ask for help. 0:01:16.800 --> 0:01:19.720 Beyond Blue or Lifeline are just a couple of places 0:01:19.760 --> 0:01:22.520 you can go. At thirty six years of age, Natalie's 0:01:22.560 --> 0:01:25.720 professional career has been put on hold for good reason, 0:01:26.160 --> 0:01:29.440 but she hasn't ruled out a return. We caught up 0:01:29.640 --> 0:01:33.800 just before coronavirus restrictions were put in place here in Australia. 0:01:33.959 --> 0:01:43.440 I hope you enjoy the chat again. 0:01:45.160 --> 0:01:47.800 Well, Nat, thanks so much for joining me, Thanks for 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:52.000 having me. It's certainly different circumstances with everything that's going on, 0:01:52.160 --> 0:01:54.400 but good to escape that for a little while. 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:57.480 Yeah, it's a strange world at the moment, and things 0:01:57.480 --> 0:02:00.600 are advancing pretty quickly and changing pretty quickly. But I 0:02:00.640 --> 0:02:04.000 want to say congratulations because you're having a baby. 0:02:04.520 --> 0:02:09.440 I am, yes, very very excited. So to be honest, 0:02:09.480 --> 0:02:13.040 it actually happened a bit quicker than what we were expecting, 0:02:13.120 --> 0:02:16.280 so it's been a lot to digest. But yeah, couldn't 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:18.560 be more excited And can't wait. I actually thought it 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:20.520 was going to come along pretty quickly, but now that 0:02:20.520 --> 0:02:23.920 there's no sport happening, these next few months might go 0:02:24.000 --> 0:02:25.800 pretty slow. But yeah, can't wait. 0:02:26.040 --> 0:02:27.919 What did it mean to you after such a long 0:02:27.960 --> 0:02:31.400 professional career to become pregnant. I know you're still playing, 0:02:31.440 --> 0:02:32.280 but what did it mean? 0:02:33.880 --> 0:02:38.080 Obviously a massive shift in life, and I guess I 0:02:38.200 --> 0:02:41.919 was preparing for another season, which I also thought was 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:44.400 going to be my last. This would have been my 0:02:45.200 --> 0:02:49.800 seventeenth season had I played, and I guess who knows 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:52.399 at the moment whether or not I may potentially get 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:54.760 to get to play some of twenty twenty, pending what 0:02:54.800 --> 0:02:58.360 happens with the netball season. But obviously as well, I 0:02:58.400 --> 0:03:01.519 know sometimes we hate it as athletes, but your identity 0:03:02.200 --> 0:03:05.360 is whether we like it or not, so attached to 0:03:05.720 --> 0:03:08.079 that part of our life and playing sporting and being 0:03:08.080 --> 0:03:12.040 a professional athlete, and I guess not having that as well, 0:03:12.520 --> 0:03:15.800 there's certainly been moments, and I think since announcing it 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:18.800 as well, and despite still being around the club but 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:22.960 not training and doing those sorts of things, feeling really lost. 0:03:24.880 --> 0:03:27.840 But obviously as well, there's no probably better reason to 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:31.680 stop playing, and particularly because I had to go through 0:03:31.680 --> 0:03:34.800 fertility treatment to be able to fall pregnant. Obviously knew 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:38.640 that it was a high chance that I wouldn't have 0:03:38.680 --> 0:03:42.040 played this season, but still when that reality hits and 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:44.920 you sort of go, oh, geez, I'm actually not going 0:03:44.960 --> 0:03:47.200 to be playing anymore, and what does that mean and 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:51.080 the future after as well, Yeah, I guess you do. 0:03:51.120 --> 0:03:53.000 You feel a sense of loss that part of your 0:03:53.000 --> 0:03:56.680 life that you've had for so long not being there, 0:03:56.720 --> 0:03:59.040 And I do I've rocked up. There's been so many 0:03:59.040 --> 0:04:02.120 times in the past where I've up this season since 0:04:02.120 --> 0:04:05.520 announcing it, and I don't know where to go. I'm like, 0:04:05.880 --> 0:04:08.280 because I'm not a coach, I'm not a player, and 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:11.440 you sort of just literally sit in limbo. And I 0:04:11.480 --> 0:04:13.600 said to someone, it's kind of amazing you spend so 0:04:13.760 --> 0:04:17.360 long in the game. And it was also as well 0:04:17.400 --> 0:04:19.920 from how quickly it changed. You know, a month or 0:04:19.960 --> 0:04:22.160 so prior I was playing and training and I was 0:04:22.200 --> 0:04:25.039 a team member, and then now you sort of know 0:04:25.160 --> 0:04:31.279 where and you become obsolete and somewhat irrelevant really really quickly. Yeah, 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:36.040 it's been a lot to digest, but it is being 0:04:36.040 --> 0:04:39.520 a mum and obviously been able to have Samuel there 0:04:39.520 --> 0:04:43.880 next to me to go through it all. He's been amazing. Yeah, 0:04:43.880 --> 0:04:44.800 and I can't wait. 0:04:45.120 --> 0:04:47.400 It's a common theme in this podcast. I know a 0:04:47.400 --> 0:04:51.240 lot of people with their jobs, they feel like they're 0:04:51.279 --> 0:04:53.480 defined by their jobs or that a lot of it 0:04:53.560 --> 0:04:55.719 is wrapped up at it. But particularly in sport, I 0:04:55.720 --> 0:04:58.560 think because it's such a public job and you put 0:04:58.560 --> 0:05:01.920 so much passion and hard into it, has that been 0:05:02.720 --> 0:05:06.760 a consistent thing for you in worrying about how much 0:05:06.880 --> 0:05:09.039 of you is wrapped up in what you do for 0:05:09.080 --> 0:05:09.480 a living. 0:05:09.800 --> 0:05:13.359 Yeah. Absolutely, And I think as well because I guess 0:05:13.440 --> 0:05:18.359 heading into this season twenty twenty, I always thought it 0:05:18.360 --> 0:05:22.360 would have probably been my last year as well, and 0:05:22.400 --> 0:05:24.200 I guess I was always trying to put things in 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:27.960 place for life after, and now there are so many 0:05:28.760 --> 0:05:32.560 unknowns because I haven't had I guess that phase of transition. 0:05:32.680 --> 0:05:35.839 I haven't transitioned into a job. I'm still contracted, but 0:05:35.920 --> 0:05:41.440 I'm not really doing anything. And so do you realize 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:43.720 how much of what you've been doing and who you 0:05:43.760 --> 0:05:46.440 are is ingrained in you know, that day to day 0:05:46.480 --> 0:05:49.240 life as an athlete, and you know, I always you 0:05:49.279 --> 0:05:52.360 feel like you've got so much more than that, and 0:05:52.400 --> 0:05:55.839 that there's a lot more to you. But it's really 0:05:55.880 --> 0:05:58.640 then hard to sit back and go But what is that? 0:05:59.440 --> 0:06:02.320 That's sort of the question. You go, Well, what's next? 0:06:02.400 --> 0:06:05.479 I don't know them, particularly in the current climate with 0:06:05.600 --> 0:06:08.040 when you do have people losing their jobs and probably 0:06:08.600 --> 0:06:12.440 not the greatest place to be looking for a job. 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:15.560 In my situation as well, I have no idea what's 0:06:15.640 --> 0:06:20.480 next after netball, which is obviously quite daunting and quite scary, 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:24.480 and I guess, yeah, you just sort of have to 0:06:24.920 --> 0:06:27.600 sit back in some way, ride the wave of whatever 0:06:27.640 --> 0:06:30.560 it is, and be prepared for what may or may 0:06:30.600 --> 0:06:33.839 not come next. But yet you certainly do realize how 0:06:33.920 --> 0:06:37.320 much who you are as a person, and I guess 0:06:37.320 --> 0:06:39.880 as well, probably how other people see you is so 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:42.680 much about sport and what you do as an athlete. 0:06:43.120 --> 0:06:48.000 Let's rewind, shall we. You've had some struggles across the 0:06:48.040 --> 0:06:53.120 course of your career with your mental health and challenging 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:56.640 times at the top level of an elite sport for 0:06:56.720 --> 0:07:01.359 so many years. How did you get through those times? 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:07.800 I guess probably the first thing. I struggled with mental 0:07:07.800 --> 0:07:11.680 health for probably a few years before I actually I 0:07:11.680 --> 0:07:15.520 guess I know people say it's a breakdown, breakthrough, whichever 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:19.080 way you want to look at it. Before I sort 0:07:19.120 --> 0:07:23.280 of had that moment of being able to speak to someone, 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:31.320 and that for me was obviously a huge time in 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:33.800 my life in terms of being able to start dealing 0:07:33.840 --> 0:07:35.840 with things that I had been struggling with for so 0:07:35.920 --> 0:07:39.160 long and something that a lot of people, probably pretty 0:07:39.240 --> 0:07:41.240 much everyone had no idea at the time that I 0:07:41.320 --> 0:07:45.760 was struggling with, and it's made me realize how important 0:07:45.800 --> 0:07:50.360 having a support network around you is and and being 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:53.480 able to be okay being vulnerable. I think the biggest 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:57.000 thing is as athletes were always sort of told you 0:07:57.120 --> 0:07:59.080 have to leave your shit at the door, and you 0:07:59.160 --> 0:08:01.160 get on with business and you put on this face 0:08:01.200 --> 0:08:04.600 and you always have this team approach first, and you know, 0:08:04.680 --> 0:08:08.320 nothing ever bothers you, and we're always so resilient and 0:08:08.320 --> 0:08:12.800 that sort of thing. But it's actually okay to not 0:08:12.920 --> 0:08:15.560 be okay because whether we like it or not, we're 0:08:15.600 --> 0:08:20.240 the same as every other person out there. We have struggles, 0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:23.920 we handle things differently. You get upset, you get angry, 0:08:23.960 --> 0:08:27.280 you're happy, and it's actually okay to show those emotions. 0:08:27.320 --> 0:08:30.680 And I think that's certainly something that I've learned over 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:33.880 my time to be okay with things and to also 0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:36.560 find out what I've needed as an individual in order 0:08:36.600 --> 0:08:40.600 to be able to cope. But yeah, having the right 0:08:40.679 --> 0:08:43.760 people around you and people who you can trust and 0:08:43.800 --> 0:08:46.560 go to and talk has been a huge thing I've learned. 0:08:47.040 --> 0:08:50.120 When did you first realize or when did you first 0:08:50.160 --> 0:08:53.640 start feeling like something wasn't quite right within yourself? 0:08:55.000 --> 0:08:57.880 I think probably the first time that I actually really 0:08:57.920 --> 0:09:01.960 noticed it was around sort of ended to twelve, twenty thirteen, 0:09:02.920 --> 0:09:07.480 and it had though I'd been struggling with things for 0:09:07.520 --> 0:09:10.920 about two years prior to that. It all started when 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:13.840 I had left the Adelaide Thunderbirds. On the back of 0:09:15.200 --> 0:09:18.560 leaving that and the things that had happened there, and 0:09:19.520 --> 0:09:20.040 so just. 0:09:19.960 --> 0:09:22.120 The departure from the club is what the. 0:09:22.080 --> 0:09:25.120 Departure from the club, and it probably it stemmed from 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:28.400 things that happened during the year with the coach of 0:09:28.440 --> 0:09:32.000 the Thunderbirds at the time and things that happened, and 0:09:33.960 --> 0:09:37.880 I guess how my life was made to be quite miserable, 0:09:38.679 --> 0:09:40.760 and it was a really horrible time in the way 0:09:40.800 --> 0:09:44.760 in which that I was guests, forced to leave the 0:09:44.800 --> 0:09:50.760 club and then moved across to Queensland, and I just 0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:55.439 didn't handle things very well. I struggled a lot, obviously 0:09:56.040 --> 0:10:00.320 with my own self worth, who I was, who I 0:10:00.360 --> 0:10:04.320 didn't didn't trust. I felt incredibly vulnerable at that time 0:10:04.360 --> 0:10:07.720 as well the relationship I was in my ex husband. 0:10:07.720 --> 0:10:10.120 He stayed in Adelaide and I moved up to Queensland 0:10:10.880 --> 0:10:12.800 on my own, and whilst that was a decision that 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:17.439 we had made, it was also incredibly lonely and isolating 0:10:18.160 --> 0:10:20.720 and I probably struggled then with a lot of things 0:10:20.760 --> 0:10:22.599 over a couple of years, but as I said, it 0:10:22.640 --> 0:10:25.600 probably took me about three years before I actually then 0:10:25.760 --> 0:10:30.120 had a moment where I realized how bad I was 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:33.600 and that I actually did need help for me. It 0:10:33.640 --> 0:10:35.200 got to the point as well, which a lot of 0:10:35.200 --> 0:10:38.080 people have no idea. I don't even think my family know. 0:10:39.040 --> 0:10:41.920 But during that time as well, particularly towards the back 0:10:42.000 --> 0:10:46.520 end before I spoke to someone, I was also having 0:10:46.559 --> 0:10:48.560 thoughts where I thought it was a lot better if 0:10:48.640 --> 0:10:51.640 I wasn't here, and not that I acted on anything, 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:55.760 but that was obviously pretty scared. I didn't think highly 0:10:55.800 --> 0:10:59.400 of myself at all, probably didn't have a lot of 0:10:59.480 --> 0:11:03.719 nice things to say or to think. And it was 0:11:03.960 --> 0:11:08.080 in the diamonds environment. We just got a wellbeing manager 0:11:08.120 --> 0:11:11.960 in Angie Bain. He'd come into the environment and I 0:11:12.000 --> 0:11:14.800 remember it was I think my first catch up with 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:21.600 her where I just completely broke down and just everything 0:11:21.760 --> 0:11:24.760 just spilled out in terms of how I was feeling, 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:28.080 what was going on, and that I said, yeah, that 0:11:28.480 --> 0:11:31.439 I needed help because I didn't want to keep feeling 0:11:31.480 --> 0:11:32.280 the way that I was. 0:11:33.200 --> 0:11:36.839 That's a big thing to think about yourself how did 0:11:36.840 --> 0:11:38.640 it get to that point? Do you think? 0:11:40.440 --> 0:11:43.200 I actually don't know. It was probably compounded a lot 0:11:43.240 --> 0:11:46.199 of just holding it all in and not talking about it, 0:11:46.440 --> 0:11:51.960 and it was sometimes magnified by things that people would say. 0:11:51.960 --> 0:11:54.640 And I know during that time, and I completely put 0:11:54.640 --> 0:11:57.800 my hand up, and obviously for me, it was probably 0:11:57.840 --> 0:12:00.679 a way I dealt with it. I would push people away. 0:12:01.600 --> 0:12:04.640 Obviously people didn't know what was going on, so their 0:12:04.679 --> 0:12:09.640 opinion of me probably wasn't that great at times. And 0:12:10.760 --> 0:12:14.760 I just yeah, that I had never thought really anything 0:12:14.800 --> 0:12:19.199 great about myself. And it's amazing the internal dialogue, what 0:12:19.400 --> 0:12:26.360 you can actually think of yourself. It's quite scary. And yeah, 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:28.080 it just as I said, it just got to that 0:12:28.160 --> 0:12:30.959 point where I just thought that it was that much. 0:12:31.240 --> 0:12:33.040 It would have been better if I wasn't around and 0:12:33.080 --> 0:12:38.320 people wouldn't have really cared my relationship. Sometimes some of 0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:43.280 the things that were said on his behalf compounded that 0:12:43.360 --> 0:12:47.160 as well, those thoughts that I think just almost reinstated 0:12:47.840 --> 0:12:50.840 to me that what I believed was actually true, because 0:12:51.800 --> 0:12:56.400 you know, someone else might say something and yeah, then 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:58.480 just I think really put me in a quite a 0:12:58.520 --> 0:12:59.560 vulnerable position. 0:13:00.000 --> 0:13:02.560 How do you feel now when you think back to 0:13:02.640 --> 0:13:04.240 that and how you felt. 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:10.360 I remember I got to the point where I didn't 0:13:10.400 --> 0:13:13.840 recognize myself at all during that time. I'd become a 0:13:14.040 --> 0:13:19.240 very very different person, and I obviously don't like it. 0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:22.920 And as I said, I know that I probably damage 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:26.320 relationships as a part of that, and that included with 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:29.080 my own family and friends and teammates and that sort 0:13:29.120 --> 0:13:31.560 of thing as well. But I think the sad thing 0:13:31.640 --> 0:13:37.240 is to think that it took so long, and I 0:13:37.280 --> 0:13:40.360 know I'm one of gosh knows how many people in 0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:42.840 the world that deal with this that you hold on 0:13:42.880 --> 0:13:45.120 to it for so long before you actually start talking 0:13:45.160 --> 0:13:48.560 to someone, or some people don't ever do that, And 0:13:48.880 --> 0:13:53.160 it made me, I think, have a lot of empathy 0:13:53.200 --> 0:13:58.400 for people. It certainly changed my perception of how quickly 0:13:58.440 --> 0:14:00.640 we can judge people when we have that absolutely no 0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:02.800 idea what's going on in their lives or what they're 0:14:02.800 --> 0:14:06.719 dealing with. And it didn't It also made me not 0:14:06.760 --> 0:14:10.760 want other athletes to have to go through the same thing. 0:14:11.840 --> 0:14:14.320 So I've certainly had a lot more interesting around well 0:14:14.360 --> 0:14:18.199 being because yeah, for me, I just I sit back 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:22.400 and you go, it's crap that you've got people like that. 0:14:22.400 --> 0:14:24.560 That are struggling with these sorts of things, and you're 0:14:24.600 --> 0:14:27.000 in an environment day in day out, around the same 0:14:27.120 --> 0:14:30.800 people and they have no idea what's going on or 0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:34.120 how vulnerable someone is or or what they're dealing with. 0:14:34.240 --> 0:14:37.080 And yeah, I think it's actually it probably scares me 0:14:37.160 --> 0:14:38.359 more than anything. 0:14:38.560 --> 0:14:41.360 Because at this point in time, you're playing for Australia, 0:14:41.440 --> 0:14:44.040 you're playing like you are at the top, you know, 0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:47.160 level of never in this country and in the world 0:14:47.360 --> 0:14:50.640 as well. Did you teammates have any idea? 0:14:50.800 --> 0:14:54.480 No, they had no idea. I remember a few years 0:14:54.600 --> 0:14:57.920 after i'd started seeing someone, and it was in the 0:14:57.960 --> 0:15:01.160 back of my Diamond's career, and I was actually talking 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:02.920 to one of the girls who i'd played with at 0:15:02.920 --> 0:15:08.120 the Firebirds and which is when I was probably in 0:15:08.200 --> 0:15:14.240 the peak of my problems, and was telling her around 0:15:14.240 --> 0:15:16.960 what was going on or what had happened and where 0:15:17.000 --> 0:15:19.520 I was at. And she actually got quite emotional when 0:15:19.520 --> 0:15:22.480 I told her about it, and she said she had 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:27.400 absolutely no idea and probably yeah, and she said we 0:15:27.600 --> 0:15:32.240 just thought that, you know, you went the nicest of people, 0:15:32.320 --> 0:15:36.720 and which I completely get. And I remember as well, 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:39.480 when I was at the AIS and at this particular camp, 0:15:39.520 --> 0:15:42.320 and I'd met Angie and I told her that I 0:15:42.400 --> 0:15:45.560 needed help, and I think it may have actually been 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:48.440 a selection camp as well. And we then went to 0:15:49.400 --> 0:15:52.000 sit down with Lisa Alexander, the head coach of the 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:54.880 Diamonds at the time, and to tell her what was 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:57.920 going on, and her first comments were, well, do you 0:15:57.960 --> 0:16:00.240 think that you should be playing? Do you think you 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:04.440 should be coming on this tour? And that scared me, 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:06.880 and I remember straight away I almost went into panic 0:16:07.200 --> 0:16:11.400 mode around that, because it was the one thing I 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:14.760 knew how to do and to think. I think that's 0:16:14.800 --> 0:16:17.560 why a lot of people, particularly athletes, don't speak out, 0:16:17.600 --> 0:16:20.880 because you think that you know, others will think you 0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:23.240 can't perform and that you shouldn't be doing this, and 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:26.480 that you're, I guess somewhat a liability to the team 0:16:26.560 --> 0:16:29.000 and the other players within it and coaches and that 0:16:29.040 --> 0:16:32.960 sort of thing. And I just remember saying to her that, actually, no, 0:16:33.080 --> 0:16:35.920 this is where I want to be, and this is 0:16:35.960 --> 0:16:39.040 where playing was actually the place where I could switch 0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:42.480 everything off, and despite there being you know, tens of 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:46.320 thousands of people watching, I almost felt like I was 0:16:46.360 --> 0:16:49.880 somewhat alone. As weird as that might sound and I 0:16:49.880 --> 0:16:52.440 could just get on with business and not be thinking 0:16:52.480 --> 0:16:56.080 about all the other stuff. And it was really good 0:16:56.080 --> 0:16:58.440 as well to have the support of Angie and saying, no, 0:16:58.560 --> 0:17:03.320 she can still perform and you know she's good and 0:17:03.400 --> 0:17:06.680 we're putting things in place. So having that support from 0:17:06.720 --> 0:17:09.240 her as well was very crucial. 0:17:09.720 --> 0:17:14.280 So during this time, you're obviously having really negative thoughts physically, though, 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:17.240 you were trying to take back control in I guess 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:19.400 unhealthy ways. Is that fair to say? 0:17:19.840 --> 0:17:24.720 Yeah? Absolutely, I think because I couldn't, I guess, control 0:17:25.000 --> 0:17:27.840 a lot of the other things that were going on 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:31.359 or people, or I felt like I had absolutely no 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:35.840 control over the thoughts in my head either that, I guess, 0:17:35.840 --> 0:17:40.040 food became the one thing that I could control. And 0:17:40.119 --> 0:17:44.480 I certainly got very very lean during that time. I 0:17:44.480 --> 0:17:47.880 wouldn't have said that I was anorexic, but I probably 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:54.680 wasn't far off it. Yeah, I certainly had a very 0:17:54.680 --> 0:17:59.040 disordered way of eating and controlling my food intake and 0:17:59.119 --> 0:18:01.520 the amount of exerc I was doing and those sorts 0:18:01.560 --> 0:18:08.240 of things. Yes, certainly I grabbed a hold of him. Yeah, 0:18:08.280 --> 0:18:12.119 pretty much. And I was certainly not healthy from that 0:18:12.240 --> 0:18:17.560 regard at all, which I think was very evident from everyone, 0:18:17.600 --> 0:18:19.520 and I know that there were comments about that at 0:18:19.520 --> 0:18:22.960 the time, and certainly being in that environment, it was, 0:18:23.000 --> 0:18:25.120 I guess, a way to help me cope. It gave 0:18:25.160 --> 0:18:28.520 me control over something, and it just happened to be. Yeah, 0:18:28.560 --> 0:18:30.080 food and exercise. 0:18:30.400 --> 0:18:31.560 How long did that last for? 0:18:33.880 --> 0:18:36.600 It probably would have lasted for maybe about two years. 0:18:36.880 --> 0:18:40.119 I'd say. I sort of look back now and I 0:18:40.160 --> 0:18:43.600 think of, you know, what I was consuming during a day, 0:18:43.640 --> 0:18:45.600 and the amount of training and that sort of thing. 0:18:45.680 --> 0:18:51.360 How I wasn't worse. I was incredibly lean. I remember hiding. 0:18:51.520 --> 0:18:54.200 I was never balamic, I was never throwing anything up, 0:18:54.240 --> 0:18:56.879 but it was very very controlled in what I was eating. 0:18:56.920 --> 0:19:00.439 And yeah, I just I sort of sit, Can you go, 0:19:00.560 --> 0:19:04.200 how on earth did I perform day in day out? 0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:10.280 I was a starting player. Twenty eleven was a World 0:19:10.280 --> 0:19:13.120 Cup year. I went through that, which in that whole 0:19:13.200 --> 0:19:20.280 year was really intense. And yeah, I think, looking back now, 0:19:20.359 --> 0:19:25.400 you just it's I could never have performed under those conditions. 0:19:25.480 --> 0:19:28.840 I think it just it's scary to think what athletes 0:19:28.880 --> 0:19:31.480 can do, how hard they can push themselves. 0:19:32.280 --> 0:19:34.560 You started to say you were hiding, were hiding food? 0:19:34.640 --> 0:19:36.080 Is that what you were going to say. 0:19:36.080 --> 0:19:38.240 Yeah, yeah, sorry, I was. Yeah, I was hiding food, 0:19:38.359 --> 0:19:43.560 so in terms of exactly what I was eating, so. 0:19:43.440 --> 0:19:45.600 Instead of consuming it, you would hide it so other 0:19:45.640 --> 0:19:47.560 people didn't know that you didn't consume it. Is that 0:19:47.600 --> 0:19:48.879 what you sort of yeah? 0:19:49.000 --> 0:19:53.720 Yeah, yeah, Or I'd tell people that I had eaten. Yeah, 0:19:53.800 --> 0:19:58.199 and what i'd serve up, say at home to my 0:19:58.359 --> 0:20:02.159 partner and compared to what I would eat and in 0:20:02.520 --> 0:20:04.960 like a deep bowl or something that he so he 0:20:04.960 --> 0:20:07.879 didn't know exactly what was in there. Yeah, it was 0:20:07.920 --> 0:20:08.640 pretty messed up. 0:20:08.760 --> 0:20:10.640 Do you know how much food you were having a day? 0:20:10.920 --> 0:20:15.480 Oh gosh, not much. I don't know exactly what, but yeah, 0:20:15.520 --> 0:20:18.199 it certainly wasn't a lot. I was very I was 0:20:18.359 --> 0:20:23.399 very strict on on everything, like there would literally be 0:20:23.640 --> 0:20:27.760 like no carbs. Even though there was a period for 0:20:27.760 --> 0:20:30.159 a while a where I've been pescatarian. It's only been 0:20:30.160 --> 0:20:33.120 the last probably a year, which isn't a problem, which 0:20:34.240 --> 0:20:36.440 is probably only been the last year or two that 0:20:36.520 --> 0:20:40.040 I've actually started eating meat again. But yeah, I'd never 0:20:40.720 --> 0:20:43.760 wouldn't eat any meat raw food, So I was only 0:20:43.840 --> 0:20:47.080 just basically eating like fruit and salads all the time 0:20:47.080 --> 0:20:49.440 for my meals and that was basically it. How many 0:20:49.640 --> 0:20:50.280 not much of it? 0:20:50.440 --> 0:20:52.800 How many people knew that you were doing that. 0:20:54.560 --> 0:20:57.080 I'm sure people may have known, but it probably wasn't 0:20:57.080 --> 0:21:02.160 ever actually spoken about out and I guess it's all 0:21:02.200 --> 0:21:07.920 And to be honest, it's quite amazing how you can, 0:21:08.359 --> 0:21:11.760 if you're somewhat well, if you're performing okay, you can 0:21:11.840 --> 0:21:16.920 kind of get away with it. It's it's weird, and 0:21:17.080 --> 0:21:21.160 it was obviously I think maybe it's females as well. 0:21:21.160 --> 0:21:26.040 Obviously females in general, we probably you're quite body conscious 0:21:26.119 --> 0:21:28.480 and worried about our body image and those sorts of 0:21:28.480 --> 0:21:30.639 things at the best of times, let alone, then being 0:21:31.560 --> 0:21:34.879 in a sporting environment where you easily compare yourself to 0:21:34.920 --> 0:21:39.920 other players, you're getting the lovely skinfold tests, and at 0:21:39.920 --> 0:21:42.359 that point we were getting them quite frequently as well, 0:21:43.160 --> 0:21:46.119 every couple of weeks. You're you know, you're chasing numbers, 0:21:46.119 --> 0:21:49.720 you don't actually really understand what they all mean, and 0:21:49.760 --> 0:21:55.080 then you're throwing you know, some mental health issues as well. 0:21:55.119 --> 0:21:58.600 It's a pretty ugly combination, but it almost somewhat at 0:21:58.600 --> 0:22:02.840 the end of the day, I was performing, and performance 0:22:04.320 --> 0:22:08.040 still probably counts for more than anything else. 0:22:08.960 --> 0:22:12.200 And I guess that's within an organization, but also publicly, 0:22:12.240 --> 0:22:15.080 isn't it. That's one of the big misconceptions of sports. 0:22:15.119 --> 0:22:17.879 Stars have everything. You know, they've got this perfect life 0:22:18.440 --> 0:22:21.560 from the outside looking in. But it's not the case. 0:22:21.800 --> 0:22:23.640 Yeah, it's not at all. And you know, I think, 0:22:23.680 --> 0:22:26.640 as I was saying before, that's the thing where it's 0:22:26.680 --> 0:22:29.480 hard as well, because we create an environment in sporting 0:22:30.040 --> 0:22:33.080 teams and clubs where it is and I've heard the phrase. 0:22:33.080 --> 0:22:35.280 I've heard it even during this year. It's like you 0:22:35.400 --> 0:22:37.080 leave your shit at the door, so you're not meant 0:22:37.119 --> 0:22:39.639 to talk about anything. You're not meant to rock up 0:22:39.680 --> 0:22:42.199 to training and be having a bad day, you know, 0:22:42.240 --> 0:22:46.560 Heaven forbid, because it'll impact someone else and people don't 0:22:46.560 --> 0:22:50.600 want to know about it. And whereas I'm like, well, god, 0:22:51.000 --> 0:22:55.080 it's actually it's okay to not be doing okay, and 0:22:55.880 --> 0:22:58.480 you need people to talk about and to talk to. 0:22:58.720 --> 0:23:02.000 And you know, I know, even in netball now, a 0:23:02.000 --> 0:23:04.320 big push from the players has been around the well 0:23:04.400 --> 0:23:08.639 being space because except for in the Diamonds environment, and 0:23:08.720 --> 0:23:12.720 I know Angie when her time there, which was only 0:23:12.760 --> 0:23:17.040 up until very recently, was over time because then players 0:23:17.080 --> 0:23:20.480 finally had someone to speak to in that environment, but 0:23:20.920 --> 0:23:23.000 it's still somewhat seen as a tick of a box, 0:23:23.040 --> 0:23:26.920 that sort of person, and there is there's so much 0:23:26.920 --> 0:23:31.159 stuff that players deal with. We're so highly critical of 0:23:31.240 --> 0:23:35.440 ourselves from a performance perspective, We're constantly chasing perfection. You're 0:23:35.440 --> 0:23:38.879 never ever happy. I think, as I've said to people, 0:23:39.520 --> 0:23:43.120 failure is inevitable, particularly as an athlete, because you're either 0:23:43.160 --> 0:23:45.520