WEBVTT - Talking pleasure with Chantelle Otten 🎇 0:00:02.200 --> 0:00:04.439 I really need something out of you for this podcast. 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:06.360 I need you to get any comfort zone and keep 0:00:06.360 --> 0:00:09.600 an open mind more than you ever have in any 0:00:09.720 --> 0:00:13.880 previous episode of the Woodlife. Because first up, we're tackling 0:00:13.960 --> 0:00:16.799 an interesting health topic sex. 0:00:17.480 --> 0:00:19.160 Yes you heard that right now. 0:00:19.200 --> 0:00:19.400 I know. 0:00:19.480 --> 0:00:21.880 I started this podcast to make health and fitness simple, 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:26.160 easier for people to understand. But the more we delve 0:00:26.200 --> 0:00:28.000 into it every single week, and we into you these 0:00:28.040 --> 0:00:31.560 wonderful guests, the more you realize just how many elements 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:38.200 there are to actually leading a holistic healthy life. So sure, 0:00:38.440 --> 0:00:41.760 we can eat well, we can exercise enough, but I 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:46.159 want you to consider what benefits sex and pleasure can 0:00:46.200 --> 0:00:48.360 bring to your health. So we're going to delve into 0:00:48.400 --> 0:00:52.360 that topic with one of Australia's leading sexologists. Then I'm 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:55.680 going to give Brea some tips around the upcoming Easter period. 0:00:56.480 --> 0:00:58.520 When it comes to Easter time, I don't really know 0:00:58.560 --> 0:00:59.080 what to do. 0:00:59.520 --> 0:01:01.760 I don't want to I fully deprived myself of chocolate, 0:01:02.200 --> 0:01:05.080 but anything that's gifted to me, I end up binge 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:08.080 eating it and then I fall off my healthy eating habit. 0:01:08.640 --> 0:01:10.480 How should I navigate the Easter period? 0:01:11.360 --> 0:01:13.280 It really can be such a tricky time when you're 0:01:13.280 --> 0:01:15.479 trying to stay healthy. So we're going to get into 0:01:15.520 --> 0:01:17.320 that a little later on. I'm Sam Wood and this 0:01:17.360 --> 0:01:18.039 is the wood Life. 0:01:18.480 --> 0:01:44.280 Let's get into it. Okay, I'm not gonna lie. 0:01:44.319 --> 0:01:49.880 I'm very very excited about our next guest, Chantellotten, which 0:01:49.920 --> 0:01:53.520 many of you may know. She is a psycho sexologist 0:01:53.600 --> 0:01:58.080 and relationship therapist and the author of the sex Ed 0:01:58.400 --> 0:01:59.320 You Never Had. 0:01:59.520 --> 0:02:00.760 That's right on the Woodlife. 0:02:00.800 --> 0:02:04.480 Today we are talking sex, the naughty word, the taboo word, 0:02:05.040 --> 0:02:06.560 but we're going to change all of that. 0:02:06.760 --> 0:02:07.800 So welcome to the Woodline. 0:02:07.840 --> 0:02:11.240 Wow. No, I'm excited to be here. And look, sex 0:02:11.320 --> 0:02:15.079 is a healthy part of life and happiness and quality 0:02:15.120 --> 0:02:17.640 of life, so I think it's a good conversation to have. 0:02:17.720 --> 0:02:20.560 We're not really getting that nasty on this podcast. 0:02:20.280 --> 0:02:21.880 Right, No, we're not. 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:25.639 But I mean we are a fitness, a health podcast, 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:29.359 and I absolutely think that sex is an important part 0:02:29.360 --> 0:02:29.600 of that. 0:02:29.720 --> 0:02:31.720 Totally good for cardiovascular health. 0:02:32.240 --> 0:02:36.320 Vascular health, for our mental health, and many other things. 0:02:36.360 --> 0:02:38.799 I Mean, we often talk to people on this show, 0:02:38.880 --> 0:02:44.079 particularly women who don't necessarily have great self esteem, and 0:02:44.280 --> 0:02:47.239 getting themselves into shape is sort of part of building 0:02:47.240 --> 0:02:48.000 that self confidence. 0:02:48.000 --> 0:02:49.160 And building that self esteem. 0:02:49.200 --> 0:02:53.440 And I would think that there'd be a parallel between 0:02:53.880 --> 0:02:56.320 the love that you have for yourself and the relationship 0:02:56.320 --> 0:02:58.240 you have with your partner, you know, I think there'd 0:02:58.240 --> 0:03:01.040 be parallels and coral between those two. 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:02.640 So do you do agree with that totally? 0:03:02.720 --> 0:03:05.600 I mean, like, if you think about your clients and 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:08.360 people who come see you, if they feel good about 0:03:08.360 --> 0:03:11.040 their bodies, they're able to open up more. Right. It's 0:03:11.040 --> 0:03:14.160 almost like they feel like they're living in a beautiful 0:03:14.240 --> 0:03:17.560 chateau and they're taking care of the garden and they're 0:03:17.840 --> 0:03:20.320 giving it a lot of love and they can open 0:03:20.360 --> 0:03:22.840 the doors. If you're not feeling good within your body, 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:25.000 it can sometimes feel like a little bit of a prison, 0:03:25.120 --> 0:03:27.240 you know, where you're kind of you're locked in there. 0:03:27.360 --> 0:03:29.119 You don't know how to get out, You're not sure 0:03:29.160 --> 0:03:31.440 which way to move with it. And I think we're 0:03:31.440 --> 0:03:33.080 all going to get to that stage once in a 0:03:33.080 --> 0:03:35.400 while we're not feeling that good and we're feeling a 0:03:35.400 --> 0:03:39.280 little bit stuck. But you know, small little acts, you know, 0:03:39.480 --> 0:03:42.400 small little movements, even things like taking a shower and 0:03:42.400 --> 0:03:45.280 taking it slow in the shower and putting on body wash. 0:03:45.400 --> 0:03:46.640 These are all little. 0:03:46.320 --> 0:03:48.520 Central things that we don't really talk about because we're 0:03:48.640 --> 0:03:54.880 used to talking about sex in like a penetrative heterosexual way, 0:03:54.960 --> 0:03:58.200 penis and vagina sex, right, But sex is really expensive. 0:03:58.240 --> 0:04:00.560 It doesn't even have to be about penetrating. It can 0:04:00.640 --> 0:04:02.880 be anything you do to feel sexy in. 0:04:03.280 --> 0:04:05.880 I love that, and already that's sort of shifting, that's 0:04:05.880 --> 0:04:08.080 opening my mind. I think that's really really good way 0:04:08.120 --> 0:04:11.040 to start things off. So why do you think it 0:04:11.120 --> 0:04:14.120 is such a deboo topic. Where do these barriers come 0:04:14.160 --> 0:04:17.400 from and how do we break them down? 0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:23.159 Yeah? I think it's just many, many years of being 0:04:23.240 --> 0:04:26.880 told that we have to keep it quiet. It's movies 0:04:27.040 --> 0:04:31.080 where you see kind of very conservative views of sexuality. 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:34.880 It's always kind of the same. It's very quick, and 0:04:34.960 --> 0:04:39.440 it's a lot of penetrative sex. It's the multicultural society 0:04:39.520 --> 0:04:42.960 that we live in. It's different religions. It's the lack 0:04:43.000 --> 0:04:46.440 of sex education, consent to education, and it's lack of 0:04:46.680 --> 0:04:49.640 highlighting the term pleasure because I think we don't talk 0:04:49.640 --> 0:04:52.640 about pleasure enough when we talk about sex. I think 0:04:52.680 --> 0:04:55.800 we think in quite a goal orientated kind of way. 0:04:56.040 --> 0:04:58.560 I think if we start to expand that view to 0:04:58.600 --> 0:05:02.680 think about okay, well, actually, what gives me pleasure? That 0:05:02.920 --> 0:05:06.719 makes people feel a lot more comfortable when approaching the topic. 0:05:07.000 --> 0:05:09.520 It doesn't have to mean what they see in movies 0:05:09.640 --> 0:05:12.080 or in porn, or what they feel like they have 0:05:12.160 --> 0:05:14.720 to do. It's what do I want to do? What 0:05:14.839 --> 0:05:15.799 brings me pleasure? 0:05:16.560 --> 0:05:17.960 So why is please? 0:05:18.320 --> 0:05:21.760 I love that you've shifted shifted to there? What does 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:24.240 it do to us from an overall health perspective? 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:27.680 Such a great question, Well done. I think that pleasure 0:05:27.760 --> 0:05:32.320 is important because it, first of all, releases really good, 0:05:32.560 --> 0:05:36.000 feel good indoorphins. So dopamine, which is the bonding hormone. 0:05:36.080 --> 0:05:39.080 We have oxytocin, which is like the love hormone, and 0:05:39.120 --> 0:05:42.480 you know, it raises our serotonin. It's also a natural analgesic, 0:05:42.600 --> 0:05:45.880 So that means if you've got a bit of a headache, 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:48.840 if you masturbate, or if you have sex and you 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:51.480 have an orgasm, you will notice that your headache actually 0:05:51.800 --> 0:05:53.920 goes down a little bit. It's same for chronic pain 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:59.080 conditions too. I think when it comes to pleasure, it's 0:05:59.120 --> 0:06:03.400 important because just expands people's views because we have you know, 0:06:03.520 --> 0:06:06.440 we have a lot of vagina owners who have painful 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:09.560 sex that can be deep pain, that can be penetrative pain. 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:13.040 This is you know, especially common in the postpartum period 0:06:13.080 --> 0:06:16.200 as well. We have a lot of people who don't 0:06:16.240 --> 0:06:18.880 feel confident with their bodies. So maybe they turn off 0:06:18.920 --> 0:06:21.640 the lights and maybe then they have to engage in 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:24.160 their sense of touch, their sense of smell, their sense 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:27.039 of hearing, right, so that can bring different sorts of pleasure. 0:06:27.800 --> 0:06:31.440 We have people with different abilities, disabilities that can be 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:35.400 you know, from mild to severe, and for them, you know, 0:06:35.480 --> 0:06:37.960 when it comes to sensuality, they are really focused on 0:06:38.000 --> 0:06:41.520 pleasure because that might even just be like a head massage, 0:06:41.560 --> 0:06:44.520 like a head scratchy that that can be erotic as 0:06:44.560 --> 0:06:47.240 if you're not feeling like the full three course meal, 0:06:47.760 --> 0:06:50.440 I'm happy to settle for it for a head scratch 0:06:50.480 --> 0:06:54.240 once in a while. And I think pleasure just expands 0:06:54.560 --> 0:06:58.440 the way that we can have sex because we're just 0:06:58.600 --> 0:07:01.599 focusing on what feels good for us and our sexual 0:07:01.640 --> 0:07:03.159 partner at the time. 0:07:03.839 --> 0:07:07.160 And so getting out of this one dimensional thought process, 0:07:07.560 --> 0:07:13.080 do you see better relationships or better quality sexual relationships 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:16.960 and overall relationships to those individuals and couples that expand 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:20.080 their thought process, you know, beyond this sort of one 0:07:20.080 --> 0:07:21.920 dimensional way of the way of thinking. 0:07:21.760 --> 0:07:22.920 About sex totally. 0:07:23.000 --> 0:07:24.800 I mean one of the questions, and I'm going to 0:07:24.840 --> 0:07:26.400 ask it to you. I'm going to see how you 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:36.400 how you respond to us. No, it's very simple. One 0:07:36.400 --> 0:07:38.320 of the questions that I asked my patients is what 0:07:38.360 --> 0:07:40.840 does sex mean to you? And it's one of the 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:45.680 hardest things for them because it means so many different things. 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:46.920 So what does sex mean to you? 0:07:48.840 --> 0:07:51.160 I mean, for me, it's connection. For me, it's. 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:56.760 This is quite a sexual person and a very touchy 0:07:56.800 --> 0:08:03.720 feely person. And I especially think since we've had kids, 0:08:04.440 --> 0:08:10.520 life goes past you so busily and so fast that 0:08:11.880 --> 0:08:14.880 when we have sex, it's actually one of the beautiful 0:08:15.040 --> 0:08:20.040 times where time slows down quality. Yeah, Like I wouldn't 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:22.360 be able to tell you how long we have sex for, yeah, 0:08:22.880 --> 0:08:26.160 you know, because it really is almost a bit of 0:08:26.160 --> 0:08:31.680 an out of body experience, and there's a complete closeness 0:08:32.520 --> 0:08:36.800 and intimacy where all of the other craziness in our 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:40.640 very busy, you know, chaotic lives just disappears for however 0:08:40.640 --> 0:08:44.679 long it is, and it has a definitely has a 0:08:44.679 --> 0:08:46.840 carryover effect. I mean there's then. 0:08:46.720 --> 0:08:50.520 A real sort of afterglow after glow. 0:08:50.600 --> 0:08:55.600 Yeah, there is, and and our relationship has a closeness. 0:08:56.000 --> 0:08:59.040 So yeah, for me, it's connection and closeness and just 0:08:59.040 --> 0:09:02.560 just that real connectivity in such a crazy time. 0:09:02.880 --> 0:09:05.840 I mean, that's a beautiful answer as well. Congratulations. It 0:09:05.880 --> 0:09:08.280 sounds like you've got a wonderful sex life. And I 0:09:08.320 --> 0:09:12.880 think that this highlights something really important. Sex shouldn't be 0:09:13.000 --> 0:09:14.920 just something that you do. It should be a place 0:09:14.920 --> 0:09:18.800 that you go and you know it should be It 0:09:18.840 --> 0:09:22.880 should be something that does bring you to a different level. Right. 0:09:22.960 --> 0:09:26.080 It can cause a real shift, and I think usually 0:09:26.120 --> 0:09:28.960 in a positive direction, But there are lots of people 0:09:29.000 --> 0:09:32.040 out there that have sex because they feel like they 0:09:32.120 --> 0:09:36.040 need to, because it's expected. They push through painful sex. 0:09:36.480 --> 0:09:38.640 They have sex that might be filled with shame, or 0:09:38.640 --> 0:09:41.240 they might be trauma in their background. So you know, 0:09:41.280 --> 0:09:45.440 not everyone has a wonderful sex life. And sex lives, 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:48.120 you know, they vary. They can be good for a period, 0:09:48.280 --> 0:09:50.719 they can suck for a period, they can need a 0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:53.480 little bit of work. And I guess in a way 0:09:53.520 --> 0:09:56.320 that's why I have a career. I'm lucky that I 0:09:56.360 --> 0:09:58.960 went into sexology because I'm always going to have something 0:09:59.000 --> 0:10:02.120 to work on and there's always new studies coming out 0:10:02.200 --> 0:10:06.240 about sexuality. It's really kind of an understudied field at 0:10:06.240 --> 0:10:06.680 the moment. 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:10.080 Is it detrimental to us if we don't have sex 0:10:10.760 --> 0:10:13.800 or pleasure for a particular length of time. 0:10:14.080 --> 0:10:16.400 Look, I mean it's quality over quantity, and I think 0:10:16.400 --> 0:10:19.920 it is quite individualized because you know, for some people, 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:22.080 once a month is great. For some people they want 0:10:22.080 --> 0:10:25.760 it every day and you're always you know, usually in 0:10:25.800 --> 0:10:28.120 a relationship there will be someone with a higher sex 0:10:28.200 --> 0:10:30.160 drive and someone with a lower sex drive, and that 0:10:30.280 --> 0:10:33.000 might kind of yo yo between them for a little bit. 0:10:33.120 --> 0:10:36.920 But I really think you can't measure that. You cannot 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:41.000 measure levels of desire because everyone's view of desire is 0:10:41.040 --> 0:10:44.400 completely different, and you can't really say to someone, oh, 0:10:44.480 --> 0:10:48.000 you should be having this amount of sex, because people 0:10:48.080 --> 0:10:50.559 only come to see me when they're distressed about their 0:10:50.559 --> 0:10:52.400 sex lives. They don't come to see me if they're 0:10:52.440 --> 0:10:55.319 really happy unless they want to, you know, spice it 0:10:55.400 --> 0:10:57.840 up a little bit more. But you know, if it's 0:10:57.880 --> 0:11:00.640 distressing for the individual couple, maybe that's when it needs 0:11:00.640 --> 0:11:01.640 to be worked on a little bit. 0:11:01.760 --> 0:11:05.160 Sure, so with all of the people that you see 0:11:05.200 --> 0:11:07.880 in all of your stuff, that they say, you know, 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:10.200 you get twenty staff that are helping people round the 0:11:10.200 --> 0:11:12.400 clock with this stuff, which is just so wonderful to hear. 0:11:12.520 --> 0:11:15.439 What are the ways in which you help people if 0:11:15.480 --> 0:11:18.280 there's low sex drive or low desire or what are 0:11:18.320 --> 0:11:22.040 the common ways that you help get things going again? 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:26.040 Desire problems are the most difficult thing to treat. We 0:11:26.080 --> 0:11:28.640 look at sex and we look at sexuality and pleasure 0:11:28.679 --> 0:11:32.600 from a biopsychosocial model, so that means biological, what's happening 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:38.200 in your body, your hormones, your health, chronic pain, et cetera. Psychological, 0:11:38.240 --> 0:11:40.400 So what's going on in your head, which you know, 0:11:40.440 --> 0:11:42.760 the brain is the biggest sexual organ, so if there's 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:45.040 a lot going on in there, if it's not very still, 0:11:45.080 --> 0:11:48.200 then that can be difficult. And then socioculture, what's happening 0:11:48.200 --> 0:11:51.320 within your life, what's happening in your community, your culture? 0:11:51.400 --> 0:11:53.679 What messages did you get about sex growing up? And 0:11:54.240 --> 0:11:56.160 what about your relationship? So we have to kind of 0:11:56.200 --> 0:11:59.040 look at all these different factors and I like to 0:11:59.080 --> 0:12:02.760 get people to write down, Okay, well, what's impacting me 0:12:02.920 --> 0:12:07.160 when it comes to desire, and it's almost worthwhile kind 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:09.679 of thinking about it. Like you're driving a car, you're 0:12:09.760 --> 0:12:12.320 driving your desire car. There are going to be things 0:12:12.360 --> 0:12:16.040 that put the accelerator on that make you really feel horny, 0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:18.840 that make you feel good, that make you feel like 0:12:18.880 --> 0:12:23.320 you want to move towards self pleasure or sensuality or sexuality, 0:12:23.400 --> 0:12:26.760 whatever it is. And you know, that can mean feeling 0:12:26.800 --> 0:12:30.120 really fit and healthy and strong. That can mean making 0:12:30.200 --> 0:12:33.680 sure your irons are up to par, your relationship is 0:12:33.720 --> 0:12:35.600 going good, your self pleasuring off, and you've got a 0:12:35.600 --> 0:12:38.600 new toy. What's going to put the accelerator on? And 0:12:38.679 --> 0:12:40.520 you have to write down all of these things that 0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:42.720 you can remember from the last time that you felt 0:12:42.720 --> 0:12:44.800 really good in the bedroom. And then you have to 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:47.439 think about, okay, well, what's putting on the brake here, 0:12:47.920 --> 0:12:50.240 you know, because if I'm driving this car, I want 0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:52.559 to have my foot off the brake a little bit 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:56.280 and more on the accelerator. So is that I don't 0:12:56.320 --> 0:12:58.920 have private time. There's no lock on my bedroom door. 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:01.439 The kids are touching me all the time. I'm fatigued, 0:13:01.920 --> 0:13:04.720 you know, I'm not eating well. I feel you know, 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:07.839 I just want to go to bed. My relationship is 0:13:07.880 --> 0:13:09.680 not good, and you have to think, okay, well, what 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:13.960 can I do in this break basket that is going 0:13:14.000 --> 0:13:16.360 to help me lift my foot off the pedal there? 0:13:16.400 --> 0:13:18.839 And that might mean going to the doctor and making 0:13:18.880 --> 0:13:21.800 sure that you you know, your hormones are well and 0:13:21.840 --> 0:13:23.960 good and that you're getting on the nutrients that you need. 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:25.840 It might mean putting a lock on your bedroom door. 0:13:25.880 --> 0:13:29.560 It might mean doing relationship therapy with your partner. There 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:31.880 are ways to do it, it's just more can you 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:36.560 prioritize sexuality enough to focus on these things and move 0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:39.560 towards Yeah, putting the accelerator. 0:13:38.920 --> 0:13:41.480 On as well. What a brilliant analogy. 0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:45.560 So, Chanto, I didn't realize before we met, not that 0:13:45.640 --> 0:13:49.840 long ago, but I didn't realize you had this wonderful 0:13:49.880 --> 0:13:54.520 clinic with twenty staff helping people. What areas do you 0:13:54.559 --> 0:13:55.800 specialize in at the clinic. 0:13:56.440 --> 0:14:00.320 It's called the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:02.960 and we do a lot of online therapy, but we 0:14:03.000 --> 0:14:06.920 also have pelvic health physios, so the pelvic floor it's 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:10.559 what controls your bowls, your bladder, but also if you're 0:14:10.600 --> 0:14:13.360 having discomfort or pain with sex, so that might be 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:17.560 deep pain, kind of kind of like period pain. Menstrual pain, 0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:19.880 or it can be sharp pain. It can be pain 0:14:19.920 --> 0:14:23.760 on entry. So if like a finger, a tampon a penis, 0:14:23.800 --> 0:14:26.800 a vibrator is going in, it feels like burning, stinging, 0:14:26.880 --> 0:14:31.360 like sensations. That's called vaginismus. Sounds like Christmas for the vagina, 0:14:31.440 --> 0:14:31.920 but it's not. 0:14:32.440 --> 0:14:33.320 It's the opposite. 0:14:33.360 --> 0:14:38.040 It's like Halloween, very very uncomfortable. And then there's volverdinia, 0:14:38.120 --> 0:14:40.440 which is pain on the vulva. So the vulver is 0:14:40.480 --> 0:14:43.680 all the skin that touches your underwear. It's between your 0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:46.760 legs and the vaginal opening. And you know, some people 0:14:47.080 --> 0:14:49.480 won't be able to ride a bike because of volverdinia. 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:52.000 They might have to put ice packs down there. So 0:14:52.400 --> 0:14:55.000 if you're having a crappy time in the bedroom, you 0:14:55.080 --> 0:14:57.200 deserve a team around you that's going to treat you 0:14:57.680 --> 0:15:00.840 with the best care possible. So that's what we work 0:15:00.840 --> 0:15:02.520 on a lot at our clinic. And I think that 0:15:02.640 --> 0:15:05.160 sexual pain is probably one of our bread and butter 0:15:05.520 --> 0:15:10.160 conditions and we specialize in it. And then things like cancers, 0:15:10.560 --> 0:15:14.440 we see penis owners, so erect ol dysfunction, premature ejaculation, 0:15:15.000 --> 0:15:19.359 and orgasmia, so difficulty having an orgasm, different body issues, 0:15:19.840 --> 0:15:22.960 self esteem, sexual self esteem, which is a really interesting 0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:26.080 one that actually, yeah, we should talk about a little 0:15:26.080 --> 0:15:28.240 bit more because I think that I think that a 0:15:28.240 --> 0:15:30.760 lot of your listeners will probably struggle with sexual self 0:15:30.840 --> 0:15:31.640 esteem issues. 0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:35.080 So what are the most common sexual self esteem issues? 0:15:35.720 --> 0:15:38.360 I think what I hear about a lot is like 0:15:38.480 --> 0:15:42.120 not wanting to be seen naked, not wanting to take 0:15:42.120 --> 0:15:44.320 your clothes off in front of your partner, so getting 0:15:44.400 --> 0:15:47.560 changed maybe in the closet or you know, in the bathroom. 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:53.600 It's not wanting to wear bikini bathers even go anywhere 0:15:53.640 --> 0:15:56.680 near water, to be honest, and you know, wearing baggy 0:15:56.760 --> 0:16:00.320 clothes probably not like worshiping your body the way should 0:16:00.320 --> 0:16:03.600 be worshiped, because everyone has a beautiful body. But I 0:16:03.680 --> 0:16:06.520 understand it. It is really what's going on in your 0:16:06.560 --> 0:16:09.040 own head that makes you feel a certain way. And 0:16:09.120 --> 0:16:11.200 I think that the way that we've grown up in 0:16:11.360 --> 0:16:15.840 media is to see picture perfect people on social media, 0:16:16.040 --> 0:16:19.720 on magazines, etc. And I feel very lucky to be 0:16:20.000 --> 0:16:21.800 part of this time where we are seeing a lot 0:16:21.800 --> 0:16:25.800 more diversity and real people in media and online. 0:16:26.320 --> 0:16:28.680 So what is your advice to these people that are 0:16:28.720 --> 0:16:34.960 having sexual self esteem challenges or fears or doubts that 0:16:35.000 --> 0:16:39.800 are sneaking in. They're noticing certain behaviors because of these feelings. 0:16:40.800 --> 0:16:43.000 I know there wouldn't be just one answer that solves 0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:45.760 all of these problems, and it's often dealing with the 0:16:45.840 --> 0:16:47.640 head about the body. 0:16:47.680 --> 0:16:49.600 But we do a few tips and tricks. 0:16:49.680 --> 0:16:51.280 Yeah, I'd love some tips and tricks. 0:16:51.480 --> 0:16:54.160 I think that first of all, just know that you 0:16:54.520 --> 0:16:57.400 are worth it. You are worth kind of looking into 0:16:57.400 --> 0:17:00.880 this area, and you are worth spending some time on yourself. 0:17:00.920 --> 0:17:05.200 We don't often give ourselves permission to work on ourselves 0:17:05.320 --> 0:17:08.280 or even to relax once in a while. You might 0:17:08.320 --> 0:17:12.000 not have to take these tips coming up. But sleep naked. 0:17:12.240 --> 0:17:14.520 I think that's a great one first and foremost. Just 0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:18.359 get comfortable with feeling your skin on the sheets, having 0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:21.520 your partner next to you. Encourage your partner if you 0:17:21.560 --> 0:17:24.520 have one, to sleep naked as well. I think also 0:17:25.320 --> 0:17:28.360 take photos of yourself naked. Your body is beautiful. I'm 0:17:28.400 --> 0:17:30.280 sure that there are areas of your body that you 0:17:30.320 --> 0:17:32.639 can look at, and I hope that you can shift 0:17:32.640 --> 0:17:35.159 your mindset around them too and just go wow, actually, 0:17:35.160 --> 0:17:38.240 I love my curves, or I really like my boobs 0:17:38.320 --> 0:17:41.320 or I have beautiful eyes and focus on those areas. 0:17:41.640 --> 0:17:45.359 Take photos of yourself in positions that you feel really 0:17:45.400 --> 0:17:47.520 good in. You don't have to send it to anyone. 0:17:47.560 --> 0:17:49.760 You can if you want. But I think that that's 0:17:49.760 --> 0:17:53.119 a really great idea. Dance around to music naked, that 0:17:53.200 --> 0:17:55.080 can be in the bathroom, that can be in a 0:17:55.080 --> 0:17:57.920 private room, or you know, dance around the house, feel 0:17:57.960 --> 0:18:01.520 the sun on your skin. It's such a erotic feeling. Really, 0:18:02.200 --> 0:18:07.320 it's really about creativity and imagination. And then I always 0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:11.719 think tuning into your senses is really important, and I 0:18:11.800 --> 0:18:15.480 encourage people, if they're not sure what that actually means, 0:18:15.520 --> 0:18:19.560 to listen to an orgasmic meditation. You're probably like, what 0:18:19.600 --> 0:18:22.720 the hell you're talking about. But if you go online, 0:18:22.840 --> 0:18:28.879 there are hypnosis meditations that will allow you to touch 0:18:28.920 --> 0:18:32.240 your body in certain ways that are not genital focused, right, 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:37.000 so that actually build up the amount of pleasure in you. 0:18:37.480 --> 0:18:40.080 My favorite one is by a guy called Madison James. 0:18:40.080 --> 0:18:44.040 He's this English guy who has the sexiest voice, and 0:18:44.080 --> 0:18:47.800 it goes for an hour and he is basically guiding 0:18:47.840 --> 0:18:50.800 you in a very sexy way on how to touch 0:18:50.800 --> 0:18:53.800 your body. And it basically is like edging, so edging 0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:57.440 is where if your orgasm is a ten, you start 0:18:57.480 --> 0:18:59.480 off at one and you build up your amount of 0:18:59.480 --> 0:19:02.359 pleasure to maybe like a seven, and then he's like, 0:19:02.600 --> 0:19:04.800 and now you need to stop there, and he brings 0:19:04.840 --> 0:19:07.199 you back down to a five on this scale, and 0:19:07.280 --> 0:19:09.520 he brings you up to a seven, and he's telling 0:19:09.600 --> 0:19:12.960 you where to touch yourself, and you start getting really 0:19:12.960 --> 0:19:15.960 in tune with your body. And then when he allows 0:19:16.000 --> 0:19:17.720 you at the end, you're allowed to go up to 0:19:17.760 --> 0:19:20.399 a ten and orgasm. I mean when I did it, 0:19:20.440 --> 0:19:23.399 I had like electricity running from my fingertips down to 0:19:23.600 --> 0:19:26.040 my vulva area down to my toes. It was like 0:19:26.119 --> 0:19:29.080 I was electrocuted. Some of my friends who have like 0:19:29.560 --> 0:19:35.680 never orgasmed had an orgasm. It's crazy. So have fun everyone. 0:19:36.240 --> 0:19:38.880 What a great answer, What a great answer, And thank 0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:41.399 you As an individual, that's what we can assess. What 0:19:41.440 --> 0:19:42.040 about as a. 0:19:42.000 --> 0:19:45.840 Couple, all right, So sex is the hardest thing to 0:19:45.880 --> 0:19:48.760 talk to your partner about. I think it's really difficult 0:19:48.800 --> 0:19:51.240 for a lot of people to communicate about sexuality with 0:19:51.320 --> 0:19:55.680 their partners because you know, I think there's hesitations there 0:19:55.680 --> 0:19:57.280 that might be a little bit of shame. They don't 0:19:57.280 --> 0:19:59.679 want to bother them or make them feel insecure. But 0:20:00.240 --> 0:20:02.520 if you can work on the communication side of things, 0:20:02.560 --> 0:20:05.480 I think that's really important. And you know, it doesn't 0:20:05.520 --> 0:20:09.840 have to be verbal. It can be writing down what 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:12.440 you like to do in the bedroom, so you know, yes, 0:20:12.800 --> 0:20:16.160 maybe's and nose so you know, maybe you like oral sex, 0:20:16.200 --> 0:20:19.520 so that's a yes. Maybe a maybe is toys, and 0:20:19.560 --> 0:20:22.159 maybe a no is anal play. So you have to 0:20:22.240 --> 0:20:24.639 write down your menu of things that you like and 0:20:24.680 --> 0:20:26.640 your partner can do that too, and then you can 0:20:26.640 --> 0:20:29.520 swap and go, okay, well maybe we can pick a 0:20:29.600 --> 0:20:32.359 few of these activities and trial them out. I also 0:20:32.400 --> 0:20:35.040 think working on your love languages, so actually working on 0:20:35.080 --> 0:20:38.360 the overall relationship is really good. You know, the love 0:20:38.400 --> 0:20:42.320 languages are basically, how do I show you love in 0:20:42.320 --> 0:20:44.520 the way that you want to be loved? Right, So 0:20:44.880 --> 0:20:47.320 when you're talking about Snaz before, you're saying, you know, 0:20:47.400 --> 0:20:50.400 she's a very touchy feely person, so she might give 0:20:50.440 --> 0:20:52.760 a lot of physical touch because she also likes to 0:20:52.800 --> 0:20:55.520 receive physical touch. It makes her feel loved, makes her 0:20:55.560 --> 0:20:58.760 feel wanted, feel good. That's just going to boost up 0:20:58.800 --> 0:21:02.280 your relationship. If you can figure out each other's love languages. 0:21:02.720 --> 0:21:04.760 It's going to get better because a lot of the 0:21:04.800 --> 0:21:07.280 time we give love the way that we want to 0:21:07.320 --> 0:21:09.640 receive love, but our partner might not actually want that. 0:21:09.760 --> 0:21:12.800 They might not want gifts, or they might not care about, 0:21:12.920 --> 0:21:15.040