WEBVTT - CONNECTED PARENTING: Genevieve Muir on Navigating Safe Sleepovers With Your Kids

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<v Speaker 1>High Heart podcasts, he more Kiss podcast playlist and listen

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<v Speaker 1>live on the free iHeart app. Now, Britt, you might

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<v Speaker 1>remember a few weeks back we were speaking about there's

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<v Speaker 1>kind of been this real change and shift in perceptions

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<v Speaker 1>around letting your kids sleep over at people's houses. And

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<v Speaker 1>there's a debate that's been happening online as to whether, firstly,

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<v Speaker 1>what is the right age, and as to whether it's

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<v Speaker 1>the right thing for your kids' safety to let them

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<v Speaker 1>sleep over at friends' houses. And it's an interesting one

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<v Speaker 1>because we talked about it, it blew up on socials.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know how I feel about it as a

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<v Speaker 1>mum to two little girls, because I have seen some

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<v Speaker 1>truly harrowing stories that have been shared on social media

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<v Speaker 1>about horrible things that have happened on sleepovers. But I

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<v Speaker 1>also know that it's kind of like a rite of

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<v Speaker 1>passage for kids, and we all did it as kids,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's some of the best memories, even though you

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<v Speaker 1>come back tired and no one slept, and like you know,

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<v Speaker 1>also has its downside.

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<v Speaker 2>You know what, I the only thing I'll quickly had

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<v Speaker 2>to this before because I know it's serious. But my

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<v Speaker 2>best friend reminded me on the weekend. We've been best

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<v Speaker 2>friends for thirty years and we used to say each

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<v Speaker 2>other's house all the time. She's like, remember how every

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<v Speaker 2>time we'd have a sleepover, you'd only come if you

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<v Speaker 2>liked what we had for dinner.

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<v Speaker 1>Like I used to say what I'm eating?

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<v Speaker 2>She's like, want to save tonight? And I was like,

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<v Speaker 2>what's for dinner? I was like eight? She told me,

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<v Speaker 2>if I did like it, I wouldn't go.

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<v Speaker 1>I like that you had strong boundaries even as an

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<v Speaker 1>eight year old, Did I knew what I wanted?

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<v Speaker 2>Well?

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<v Speaker 1>Look, it really did blow up on socials. So many

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<v Speaker 1>people were discussing the fore and against it. There's a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of families who are kind of taking the route

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<v Speaker 1>now of not letting their kids go to sleepovers. But

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<v Speaker 1>then there's also people who think that maybe we're wrapping

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<v Speaker 1>our kids too much in cotton wool. Someone who did

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<v Speaker 1>slide into our DMS is Genevieve Mua now jen Is.

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<v Speaker 1>She's an Obstretix social worker and she also has the

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<v Speaker 1>business connected parenting, and it was really nice to chat

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<v Speaker 1>to someone who actually has insight into this. Not only

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<v Speaker 1>does she have four boys herself, but she's helped a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of parents across the country manage. What is a

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<v Speaker 1>great way of finding a middle ground in this, Jen,

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<v Speaker 1>welcome to the show.

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<v Speaker 3>Thank you so much for having me go.

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<v Speaker 2>Jen, I'm assuming the middle ground isn't asking what they've

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<v Speaker 2>got for dinner.

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<v Speaker 3>I love that though. That is brilliant. I'm asking that next,

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<v Speaker 3>so I get asked on the sleepover for sure?

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<v Speaker 1>Do you think that it's not something that parents should

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<v Speaker 1>be particularly concerned about or do you feel as though

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<v Speaker 1>that maybe there has been I guess a bit of

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<v Speaker 1>fear mungering happening online and on social media at the

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<v Speaker 1>moment around this whole sleepover debate.

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<v Speaker 3>I think it's hard to be a parent in general.

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<v Speaker 3>These days. We have so much information about what's good

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<v Speaker 3>for kids and what is a risk for kids. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 3>from everything from how we should be feeding them, how

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<v Speaker 3>we keep them safe, how we educate them. There's so

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<v Speaker 3>much pressure. One of the things that I think is

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<v Speaker 3>a good thing, right is there's been a massive social

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<v Speaker 3>change in our understanding of what the risk to kids

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<v Speaker 3>are and we now know that when it comes to

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<v Speaker 3>those risks or when things happen to kids that we

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<v Speaker 3>would like to protect them from ninety percent of the

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<v Speaker 3>time that happens at the hands of someone we know

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<v Speaker 3>and trust. Now that's why the sleepover thing has become

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<v Speaker 3>an issue. Now think that to the old days where

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<v Speaker 3>we thought the risk was strangers totally and that's what

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<v Speaker 3>we want kids about, and we now know how we

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<v Speaker 3>had that wrong. So I love that parents have access

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<v Speaker 3>to the right information now about how to protect their kids.

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<v Speaker 3>You know, we could say that's no sleepovers ever, but

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<v Speaker 3>we let our kids go online where so many similar

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<v Speaker 3>tricky things can happen online. Right, So what we really

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<v Speaker 3>want to do is start to have a sense of, well,

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<v Speaker 3>who is my kid, where are they going? So how

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<v Speaker 3>well do I know that family? In terms of my kids,

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<v Speaker 3>I'm looking for certain levels of skill. Is my child

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<v Speaker 3>at an age where they absolutely know they could come

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<v Speaker 3>to me if they felt uncomfortable, they got asked to

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<v Speaker 3>go home, could they communicate that if they needed to?

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<v Speaker 3>If my child has those skills, if I have someone

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<v Speaker 3>in my life where I really trust and I've known

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<v Speaker 3>them for a while, then that's a really different thing

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<v Speaker 3>than if they don't have those skills.

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<v Speaker 1>But I guess it's not particularly an age thing then

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<v Speaker 1>is it? Because kids all develop a different ages and phases,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. I would say that some kids had those

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<v Speaker 1>communication skills earlier than others.

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<v Speaker 3>Absolutely, And with my four boys, there was one that

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<v Speaker 3>I was a lot later in letting him go for

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<v Speaker 3>his first sleepover, simply because he actually had a delay

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<v Speaker 3>with his speech. He was not a kid that would

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<v Speaker 3>speak up. He was really kind of quiet by nature,

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<v Speaker 3>really struggled to put his hand up in class and

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<v Speaker 3>say what he needed. I wasn't going to send him

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<v Speaker 3>off because he'd never be able to speak up. So

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<v Speaker 3>it's kind of about looking at who we've got, but

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<v Speaker 3>also who we've got in our lives, and I want

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<v Speaker 3>to kind of acknowledge they'd be single parents that do

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<v Speaker 3>not have an option if they're doing shipwork, then to

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<v Speaker 3>have sometimes the village step in and support them. We

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<v Speaker 3>might have great relatives and grandparents. We might have really

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<v Speaker 3>close family friends that we've known and we intimately know

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<v Speaker 3>really well. So I think it's also about every situation

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<v Speaker 3>is different, but it's sort of knowing who we've got.

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<v Speaker 3>But the final thing that we can all do from

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<v Speaker 3>a really young age, and that is really talk openly

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<v Speaker 3>and honestly to your kids about a couple of key things.

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<v Speaker 3>One is you know the normal names of body parts,

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<v Speaker 3>and kind of making sure we have open and honest

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<v Speaker 3>conversations about those things, Teaching our kids things like you

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<v Speaker 3>don't have to hug your uncle if you don't want to,

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<v Speaker 3>you can give them a high five. So that's body

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<v Speaker 3>autonomy and having a sense of that stuff from a

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<v Speaker 3>really young age. And the final thing, and I think

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<v Speaker 3>this matters more than anything else, there is nothing you

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<v Speaker 3>could ever do or say that would make me love

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<v Speaker 3>you less. There's nothing you can't tell me I will

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<v Speaker 3>always believe you. And that one you have to keep

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<v Speaker 3>saying from the beginning all the way through. You know,

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<v Speaker 3>at sixteen, we're still saying the same thing. You're going

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<v Speaker 3>out tonight. There is nothing that could happen or that

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<v Speaker 3>you could do where you can't call me and I

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<v Speaker 3>wouldn't be there on your side to help you.

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<v Speaker 1>Jen out of curiosity, how old were your kids when

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<v Speaker 1>you let them sleep over at people's houses?

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<v Speaker 3>So look really different ages depending on the child. But

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<v Speaker 3>like I think if we were to say like a

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<v Speaker 3>good age in general, I think it's probably somewhere upwards

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<v Speaker 3>of maybe eight ish, Like it's somewhere around there that

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<v Speaker 3>I think depending on the child, and again, kids are

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<v Speaker 3>going to be so different. For one of my kids,

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<v Speaker 3>he was that little bit older. He just wasn't ready.

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<v Speaker 3>And for some kids that might be younger, it might

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<v Speaker 3>be from six that you have a good friend and

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<v Speaker 3>there's a really great thing going on. I know there's

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<v Speaker 3>been some guidelines put out by the government where they're

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<v Speaker 3>saying from about eleven. I think that's quite old myself,

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<v Speaker 3>because most kids will go on their first school camp

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<v Speaker 3>at around eleven, and I kind of think some experience

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<v Speaker 3>in a way that is safe is probably good for kids.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean, you don't think about that too. I

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<v Speaker 1>remember going on the school camp Lucky. My mum never

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<v Speaker 1>really let us stay at people's houses, but they always

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<v Speaker 1>say to ours, so I was kind of used to

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<v Speaker 1>the sleepover environment everywhere I sh out, I didn't know

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<v Speaker 1>your mum also had four kids, and she was like,

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<v Speaker 1>just get one of them out of the house.

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<v Speaker 3>That we kids were.

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<v Speaker 2>All working, they were like, find a friend today, just

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<v Speaker 2>sank someone else.

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<v Speaker 1>Thanks so much, Jen, thanks for joining the show.

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<v Speaker 3>Absolute pleasure. Guys,