Speaker 1: Hey, guys's producer Kasha here.
Speaker 2: I hope you've had I'm going to say a pretty
Speaker 2: good week.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to stay a great week because half
Speaker 1: of the country are still in lockdown. And if you
Speaker 1: are one of those people in lockdown, I hope the
Speaker 1: podcast has been able to give you a bit of
Speaker 1: an escape and a bit of a laugh, because you
Speaker 1: probably need it right now.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: This is the last week that Laura and britt are
Speaker 1: on break. They're going to be back to normal as
Speaker 1: of next Tuesday.
Speaker 2: Last Friday, Laura and Maddie.
Speaker 1: Jay decided to sprinkle something a little extra in there,
Speaker 1: and it sounds as though you guys loved it.
Speaker 2: Personally, I loved it too.
Speaker 1: They've decided that they want to do some batchy recaps
Speaker 1: of this new season of The Bachelor, so they will
Speaker 1: be dropping in your podcast libraries every single Friday for
Speaker 1: about the next six weeks.
Speaker 2: I think that's how long the season goes for.
Speaker 1: Out of however long the season goes for is however
Speaker 1: long they are going to be doing them. I could
Speaker 1: be super biased, and I probably am because I work
Speaker 1: for the podcast, you know, but I thought it was hilarious,
Speaker 1: even potentially more funny than watching the actual episodes of
Speaker 1: the Bachelor. So if you haven't listened to it, go back,
Speaker 1: have a listen. It's the episode from last Friday, their
Speaker 1: very first batchy recap, and they're going to have another
Speaker 1: one for you this Friday.
Speaker 2: But for today, we.
Speaker 1: Are taking a trip down memory lane, which means that
Speaker 1: we are revisiting some of our favorite.
Speaker 2: Episodes from the past.
Speaker 1: And I think I speak for everyone when I say
Speaker 1: that we like to know the psychology of our own
Speaker 1: brains and maybe of our partners, or our family or
Speaker 1: our friends. We like to know why we kind of
Speaker 1: act different in different situations, or how maybe we feel
Speaker 1: different about different situations. Now we've done the love languages,
Speaker 1: We've done the Maya Briggs personality tests, we've done conflict resolution,
Speaker 1: and today we are talking attachment theory. We're basically asking
Speaker 1: if you got daddy issues. Okay, if you don't know
Speaker 1: what attachment type you have, you can take the test.
Speaker 1: There is a link in our show notes. You can
Speaker 1: find that by going onto Apple Podcasts or on Spotify,
Speaker 1: and you can find out where you kind of sit
Speaker 1: on the attachment styles spectrum. We're about to jump into them.
Speaker 1: We're about to talk all things fearful, avoidant, anxious, preoccupied, dismissive, avoidant,
Speaker 1: and secure.
Speaker 2: And if you have absolutely no idea what.
Speaker 1: I was just saying, that's fine because Laura and grit
Speaker 1: are about to go through.
Speaker 2: Your attachment theories.
Speaker 1: I hope you really enjoy this work down the new name,
Speaker 1: let's jump into it.
Speaker 2: Okay, so we're going to talk about attachment styles. Now.
Speaker 3: Before I give a little intro into this, I do
Speaker 3: want to say I didn't know a lot about it.
Speaker 3: You mentioned it a little while ago, Laura on one
Speaker 3: of the episodes that you've done an attachment style quiz.
Speaker 3: We always said would go back to it, but I've
Speaker 3: never really delved deep into it before. I found it
Speaker 3: so interesting. There is a lot of content here, guys,
Speaker 3: and we're going to be reading a lot of stuff
Speaker 3: out that we've actually just learned from a lot of therapists, psychologists,
Speaker 3: just things that we've researched ourselves. So this is coming
Speaker 3: from both we're still learning at the same time. We
Speaker 3: want to deliver this content to you because we think
Speaker 3: it's going to really help and affect your life, and
Speaker 3: I think everyone can just learn something from it. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and the idea of attachment start. So this is a
Speaker 3: theory that I've always found really interesting and fascinating. It's
Speaker 3: to do with like your relationship with your parents, and
Speaker 3: that's where attachment theory comes from. So in your early
Speaker 3: life and your childhood, when you from when you were
Speaker 3: born until when you're about the age three, that's when
Speaker 3: your parents have a very profound impact on the way
Speaker 3: that you feel loved, receive love, and build attachments towards
Speaker 3: other people. And if you have had a bit of
Speaker 3: a complicated childhood, if you haven't received love or attachment
Speaker 3: in a way that could be considered, you know, in
Speaker 3: quotation marks normal, then you may have a slightly more
Speaker 3: dysfunctional adult attachment type. And I guess for me, the
Speaker 3: reason why this became something that I was really interested
Speaker 3: in is because, like I've talked about loads on this
Speaker 3: podcast before, I had a really unhealthy attachment style prior
Speaker 3: to my relationships with Matt.
Speaker 4: And we'll get into it. Britain I both did the test.
Speaker 4: Now we both kind of uncovered our own attachment styles.
Speaker 4: Mine has changed over the years and I have a
Speaker 4: much more secure attachment type now. But we'll get into
Speaker 4: like how how your childhood basically can really form and
Speaker 4: affect the way that you feel, receive and create bonds
Speaker 4: in your relationships as adults. But like brit said, some
Speaker 4: of it is research and some of it is from
Speaker 4: our own experiences as well.
Speaker 2: Have you got people in your life.
Speaker 3: Where you've ever looked at people friends, family, or thought
Speaker 3: about the way you're in a relationship. Some people are
Speaker 3: really aloof and unattached in their relationships.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like they're all dated.
Speaker 4: A guy who's like just doesn't give you anything, and yeah,
Speaker 4: this guy's fucking stone wall.
Speaker 3: And then others are super attached, super clingy, really needy.
Speaker 3: They need constant validation. And what it comes down to
Speaker 3: is some people are secure and some people are unsecure.
Speaker 3: That's the basis of it. But there are four styles
Speaker 3: of attachment. So the four attachment styles are secure attachment,
Speaker 3: anxious preoccupied attachment, dismissive avoidant attachment, and fearful avoidant attachment.
Speaker 2: What are you.
Speaker 4: I thought we were going to be like and now
Speaker 4: we're going to unpack these but like, okay, so we're
Speaker 4: going to put the link in like we did for
Speaker 4: the Love Languages test. We're going to put the link
Speaker 4: into the description notes for this episode, so that you
Speaker 4: can go and do your own attachment assessment and you
Speaker 4: can find out what sort of attachment type you are
Speaker 4: and unpack that with your partner. You can also do
Speaker 4: it with them, and it kind of just opens up
Speaker 4: this conversation and understanding around why you behave the way
Speaker 4: that you behave, and why you perceive relationships and connection
Speaker 4: in the way that you perceive and define your relationship.
Speaker 4: So my we're gonna start with me. Let's start with
Speaker 4: the trauma.
Speaker 2: All right, what are you? So we've both done the test, so.
Speaker 4: Mine has changed significantly. So I did my test years
Speaker 4: and years ago and I was very very high on
Speaker 4: anxious preoccupied attachment. Anxious perio occupied attachment is like I mean,
Speaker 4: I've described this to you guys before, but it's it's
Speaker 4: this need of being in a relationship. I got a
Speaker 4: lot of my purpose and a lot of my value
Speaker 4: in myself from feeling loved by somebody else. And I
Speaker 4: was always very insecure that they were going to leave me.
Speaker 4: I had massive daddy issues basically of abandonment. Laugh even
Speaker 4: like it's not funny, it's not funny, but but this
Speaker 4: was me and this is like, you know, this was
Speaker 4: very patent behavior, and a lot of my past relationships,
Speaker 4: I was always somebody who got into relationships that were
Speaker 4: very quick moving, very very intense, very volatile, and then
Speaker 4: I would be left feeling like there was something wrong
Speaker 4: with me because the relationship didn't work out. That has
Speaker 4: changed significantly, and I can only attribute that to being
Speaker 4: in a really healthy relationship with someone who is incredibly patient,
Speaker 4: like Matt is an angel and from the heavens. But
Speaker 4: it's changed massively over the years. So I now was
Speaker 4: really surprised with my results. So I have basically basically
Speaker 4: the way it works is like you can be you're
Speaker 4: a dominant attachment style, So there's one that is going
Speaker 4: to be dominant for you, and then we all display
Speaker 4: characteristics of the others, and those characteristics can change depending
Speaker 4: on the relationship that you're in. They can also change
Speaker 4: depending on the time of your life that you're in,
Speaker 4: and so sometimes they might be higher or lower. But
Speaker 4: you know, we have an overall main attachment style, and
Speaker 4: now in my relationships, my main attachment style style is
Speaker 4: fifty percent secure. Unsurprisingly coming a relatively close second, my anxious,
Speaker 4: preoccupied attachment style is my number two at thirty three percent,
Speaker 4: and then dismissive avoidant at eight percent and fearful avoidant
Speaker 4: at eight percent as well, So I have a little
Speaker 4: bit from each category.
Speaker 2: It's pretty even.
Speaker 4: But yeah, secure, and guys like you want to be secure.
Speaker 4: That means that you're in a functioning relationship where you
Speaker 4: feel loved, You feel like you can communicate with your
Speaker 4: partner safely, you're not scared of abandonment. So like being
Speaker 4: in that and having that as like your most significant
Speaker 4: value on your scorecard is that's it.
Speaker 2: That's a sweet spot. That's where you want to be.
Speaker 2: I think it's really interesting.
Speaker 3: I like the fact that it can change because it
Speaker 3: evolves with you, I guess. And it's like you just said,
Speaker 3: you went from just being insecure all the time.
Speaker 2: And needing needy.
Speaker 3: You were needy you needed love to now you are
Speaker 3: so happy and confident in your relationship and you feel secure.
Speaker 3: You don't feel like Matt's going to ever abandon you,
Speaker 3: and I think that's a really nice place to be.
Speaker 3: So I love that you're you've shown and you're open
Speaker 3: enough to say, yeah, I went from one extreme to
Speaker 3: the other, So that's that's really nice.
Speaker 2: So congratulations on being secure.
Speaker 4: Congratulations on getting your shit together, Laura, thank you, thank
Speaker 4: you very much. But you know, like, like we'll get
Speaker 4: into all of this, but there are ways to change
Speaker 4: your attachment style if you feel like you're really vulnerable
Speaker 4: in your relationships, Like therapy, we'll talk about all the
Speaker 4: different ways to unpack it and ways to really approach
Speaker 4: if you have a dysfunctional attachment style. But yeah, well obviously,
Speaker 4: like after we talk about hour and styles, we'll get
Speaker 4: into like what each one actually means and what that
Speaker 4: looks like as a personality type.
Speaker 2: Yea, So mine was interesting.
Speaker 3: Mine was fifty eight percent secure, which for me, I
Speaker 3: guess it's hard because I've been single for a long time.
Speaker 3: But what these quizzes do if you are single, that's
Speaker 3: so fine. It'll tell you to think of the relationships
Speaker 3: that you do have in your life or think back
Speaker 3: to a last relationship. But so for me, I can
Speaker 3: be secure in the fact that I have an amazing
Speaker 3: family who I know are there for me. I know
Speaker 3: they're never going to leave me. I know if I
Speaker 3: need anything, I can go to them. The same with
Speaker 3: my small group of friends. I know I've got people
Speaker 3: to rely on, so I think that's where it stemmed
Speaker 3: from me. But the next category in my pie I
Speaker 3: was twenty percent avoidant dismissive, which when I was reading
Speaker 3: what avoidant dismissive is, I was like, holy bejeebers like
Speaker 3: me to tea. I'm going to read you guys, what
Speaker 3: it actually says, avoidant dismissive is avoidant. Attachment style is
Speaker 3: a form of insecure attachment style marked by a fear
Speaker 3: of intimacy GUILTU before we avoid an attachment style tend
Speaker 3: to have trouble getting close to others or trusting others
Speaker 3: in relationships gilto They typically maintain some distance from their
Speaker 3: partners or are largely emotionally unavailable in their relationships, preferring
Speaker 3: to be independent and rely on themselves, like this is
Speaker 3: me to a t. You guys will know if you've
Speaker 3: been following along the podcast for a long time. I
Speaker 3: often joke, and I've always thought it was a joke,
Speaker 3: but maybe it's not. I often joke that I'm like
Speaker 3: emotionally void and that the bachelor will are told the
Speaker 3: producers will like warry your emotions, like.
Speaker 2: Why are you crying? Cry harder? I don't have feeling.
Speaker 3: I often joke that, and I've always said it to myself,
Speaker 3: like haha, I'm emotionally void. And then when I read
Speaker 3: this and it specifically states like these people largely are
Speaker 3: emotionally unavailable and I don't they can't feel that, I
Speaker 3: was like, oh my god, it's actually me. Then it
Speaker 3: says they prefer to be on their own and rely
Speaker 3: on themselves, totally me, and I just think that stems
Speaker 3: from obviously the toxic relationship that I did have. It
Speaker 3: definitely does not stem from my my family life because
Speaker 3: they've always had the support so for me.
Speaker 2: And this is what can happen too.
Speaker 3: In the reverse, the way that you had a insecure
Speaker 3: feeling and you came through that now you're really great.
Speaker 3: I was the reverse, because that can happen. I was
Speaker 3: very very always very secure and happy and emotionally available
Speaker 3: and obsessive with my relationships, Like when I fell in love,
Speaker 3: I was in love like I wanted to be with
Speaker 3: them every single day. Then I went through this really
Speaker 3: toxic few years with this crazy sociopath Episode three and.
Speaker 2: All of that.
Speaker 4: Plug But if you haven't listened to episode three, it's
Speaker 4: by far both of our favorite episode. It's just Britney's
Speaker 4: story about her dating sociopath that had to double like
Speaker 4: a double life is the most insane episode ever.
Speaker 2: So we recommend that.
Speaker 3: On every basically, but we we only say that for
Speaker 3: the newcomers or you ogs know that. But so then
Speaker 3: it put into reverse and it put me from being
Speaker 3: like really really really secure in this place where I
Speaker 3: was like, I don't want to rely on everyone again.
Speaker 3: I remember saying that to myself. I remember saying I
Speaker 3: will not rely on a man again. And it's almost
Speaker 3: like I've driven myself to the extreme. So I need
Speaker 3: to find a way to win that back a little bit. However,
Speaker 3: I think it's important and just in your results there,
Speaker 3: like to keep perspective, like if you're still very high
Speaker 3: on the secure like percentage wise of these tests, but
Speaker 3: you do have like a twenty percent of something that
Speaker 3: is that is very manageable and that is a very
Speaker 3: like minimal percentage in comparison to your secure attachment. So
Speaker 3: overall you have the like, you have the ability and
Speaker 3: the sense to be able to see your relationship with
Speaker 3: a healthy perspective and create healthy attachments. We're always going
Speaker 3: to have some level of insecurity. We're always going to
Speaker 3: have some level of doubt or something in us that
Speaker 3: prevents us from wanting to be hurt again if we've
Speaker 3: been through bad relationships, and I think you know, depending
Speaker 3: on where you're at in your life, if you've just
Speaker 3: come out of a really shit relationship, your scale and
Speaker 3: your percentages in this test is going to be completely
Speaker 3: different to if you feel like you're in a really
Speaker 3: stable at healthy relationship. So it's very dynamic depending on
Speaker 3: what's happening in your life. But it also shows that
Speaker 3: different things that happen in your life, like things that
Speaker 3: happen in your childhood or bad relationships that you go through,
Speaker 3: can be triggers to stop you from being able to
Speaker 3: commit to somebody or have a happy relationship further in life.
Speaker 3: I was just going through that because I thought it
Speaker 3: was really interesting. That is only twenty percent I am.
Speaker 3: I know that I'm secure now, and I know that
Speaker 3: when I have a relationship it'll be fine, and I
Speaker 3: know there'll be no jealousy, there'll be no one and
Speaker 3: where they are, they'll be no easy going to leave
Speaker 3: me because I'm just beyond that now. You do get
Speaker 3: to a point where you like I think that's why
Speaker 3: I'm so picky because I just know that when I
Speaker 3: pick that person, I don't want to have to worry
Speaker 3: about it. So if I if I get spidey tingly
Speaker 3: senses when I'm dating someone that I'm going to feel
Speaker 3: in secure, I'm going to wonder where they are and
Speaker 3: who they're with, I just wouldn't pursue it.
Speaker 4: So what was your other one then, because there must
Speaker 4: be another in there. That's a small percentage.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so one one percentage down again was the anxious
Speaker 3: and anxious ambivalent, and then only eight percent was disorganized,
Speaker 3: which is interesting.
Speaker 2: So I reckon.
Speaker 4: What we do is I reckon we unpack what each
Speaker 4: one actually means. So for anybody who's listening and they're like,
Speaker 4: holy shit, that's how I approach my relationship, you can
Speaker 4: kind of identify yourself before you even do the test.
Speaker 4: So secure attachment is the most predominant attachment. Basically, secure
Speaker 4: attachment is like I'm fine, you're fine. Fifty five percent
Speaker 4: of the population have secure attachments, and that's a really
Speaker 4: healthy way of approaching your relationships. Basically, it means you
Speaker 4: are happy when you're together, you still feel safe when
Speaker 4: you're independently apart, You don't have this fear that your
Speaker 4: partner's going to cheat on you. You're not worried about
Speaker 4: their whereabouts, you don't feel clinging, you don't feel obsessive.
Speaker 4: You just have a really healthy relationship and dynamic when
Speaker 4: you're together, and you both compliment and bring a really
Speaker 4: positive light to each other's life. But you're also very
Speaker 4: capable people independently of each other as well, and that's
Speaker 4: a very healthy and secure attachment. And the idea behind
Speaker 4: this attachment is that through your childhood, your parents have
Speaker 4: been there for you. They've been a constant in your life.
Speaker 4: They have provided how did you with the love and
Speaker 4: affection when you've required it, and your basic needs to
Speaker 4: be met, love, food, shelter, support, conversation, all of those
Speaker 4: things have been attended to you, and you're able to
Speaker 4: have role models in your life. So you go, oh,
Speaker 4: that's what a healthy relationship looks like. That's what a
Speaker 4: healthy love and romantic relationship looks like. That's what healthy
Speaker 4: friendships look like. So having these really strong role models
Speaker 4: help for you to be able to then form and
Speaker 4: have great relationships in your adult life. That's not to
Speaker 4: say that someone who is secure can't possibly get into
Speaker 4: a relationship that's toxic and bad.
Speaker 2: They absolutely can.
Speaker 4: We all can make bad choices and end up with
Speaker 4: people who are manipulative and bad for us. It just
Speaker 4: means that someone who is very secure in themselves is
Speaker 4: more likely to be able to walk away from it
Speaker 4: than somebody who is, say like an anxiously attached person,
Speaker 4: who might stay for a lot longer and cop a
Speaker 4: lot more abuse because they don't feel worthy of something
Speaker 4: better than that.
Speaker 2: That was a lot. Basically, it's just where you want
Speaker 2: to be.
Speaker 4: Basically, secure is the swift spar that's all we're all
Speaker 4: gain and forced secure is where you want to fight for.
Speaker 3: So if you do feel like one of if you
Speaker 3: do the quiz and you do have a lot of
Speaker 3: larger percentage of one of these other attachment styles, it's
Speaker 3: not the end of the world. You can change it
Speaker 3: and you can work towards it. Again, we'll get into
Speaker 3: that later, but I'm going to jump into attachment style too,
Speaker 3: and that is the anxious preoccupied attachment, which is like
Speaker 3: the I'm not fine, but you're fine. It's basically this
Speaker 3: attachment style that's marked and the basis of it is.
Speaker 2: This fear of abandonment.
Speaker 3: So they say that that's coming back from when you're
Speaker 3: a child, because that's I want you guys to remember,
Speaker 3: this is all based off the first two years of
Speaker 3: your life. This is where this stems from the way
Speaker 3: you were treated, the way you're made to feel, your environment.
Speaker 3: They really do believe that this is all started in
Speaker 3: those first two years of life, which is crazy, and
Speaker 3: that's a whole nother conversation because it makes you be like,
Speaker 3: what do I do with my kid?
Speaker 2: Oh my god?
Speaker 4: I know this was something Alice that Britta and I
Speaker 4: were talking about in relation to this. I was like,
Speaker 4: holy shit, the pressure that there is to raise a
Speaker 4: well rounded and like normal kid that feels like they loved.
Speaker 4: I was like, fuck, I don't know if I'm doing
Speaker 4: a good job.
Speaker 2: You're doing a good job. I don't know.
Speaker 4: What if she's super dysfunctional when she grows up, if
Speaker 4: she cries for like one second, you're like, I'm here money.
Speaker 4: What if she turns into a narcissist because I'm too attentive.
Speaker 2: I just don't know. It's a fine line.
Speaker 3: But this this anxious relationship you feel like and you're
Speaker 3: always worried that your partner's gonna leave you. These sorts
Speaker 3: of people are always really hungry for validation and they
Speaker 3: get anxious very easily, like why hasn't my partner takets
Speaker 3: me back yet? You know, it's been five minutes. Has
Speaker 3: something happened to my partner? Is he with someone else?
Speaker 3: There's this really really constant, deep seated issue of this
Speaker 3: isn't right, They're gonna leave me, and you live in
Speaker 3: this state of anxiety, which is awful for anyone that's
Speaker 3: ever felt any level of anxiety. No one wants to
Speaker 3: be in that place. So this is sort of where
Speaker 3: that stems from. And it never really ends well because
Speaker 3: partners can often get defensive. It can be quite suffocating
Speaker 3: in a relationship, and it's just it's really really not
Speaker 3: a healthy place to be. Yeah, twenty percent of people
Speaker 3: have this style of attachment. And Laura, you said that
Speaker 3: you actually were pretty big on this style of attachment from.
Speaker 2: Things in your past.
Speaker 3: How do you feel like you recognize that at the
Speaker 3: time or is it just something that you look like
Speaker 3: did you know at the time that you were living
Speaker 3: in a state of anxiety? Could you recognize and be like,
Speaker 3: why am I always anxious? Or is it something that
Speaker 3: you look back on now that you're in this healthy,
Speaker 3: secure relationship. Do you look back and be like, I
Speaker 3: only know how fucked up I was then because of
Speaker 3: how good I feel now?
Speaker 4: Good question, Brittany, do you know what I find this
Speaker 4: so interesting because and I just want to like make
Speaker 4: this point really clear, regardless of what your attachment style is,
Speaker 4: there is no blame in this. Like, you know, there's
Speaker 4: no blame on you for the way that you deal
Speaker 4: with relationships, and there's definitely no blame on your parents.
Speaker 4: That's not what we're doing here. I have I don't
Speaker 4: talk very openly about my childhood. I had a pretty
Speaker 4: you know, a lot of it was great, a lot.
Speaker 2: Of it wasn't.
Speaker 4: And my mom and my dad divorce when I was
Speaker 4: really young, and my dad moved away. So I think,
Speaker 4: just just from that and that of itself, without like
Speaker 4: going into any of the other details surrounding my upbringing,
Speaker 4: I think when you're a product of divorce, there is
Speaker 4: this feeling of abandonment and without without it being an
Speaker 4: intentional thing. But even if your parents are telling you
Speaker 4: that they love you, the fact that they've chosen to
Speaker 4: move away and move far away and that they're not
Speaker 4: physically there.
Speaker 2: The words of.
Speaker 4: I love you don't really match up with the actions
Speaker 4: of I'm not physically here, So there is that feeling
Speaker 4: of abandonment that comes from that, and then you know,
Speaker 4: moving on from that, My mom was a single mom,
Speaker 4: she had two kids, she started dating again, and I
Speaker 4: like when she got remarried to her second husband, he
Speaker 4: was not a great guy by any means, and it
Speaker 4: was a really turbulent time in our childhood. And I
Speaker 4: guess that there was this inco insistency. And that's the
Speaker 4: thing about this whole anxious attachment style is like, if
Speaker 4: you feel like there's an inconsistent love in your upbringing
Speaker 4: as a child, then that's what can make you feel
Speaker 4: as an adult that you're anxious in your relationships because
Speaker 4: you just don't know, you don't know, like you don't
Speaker 4: know where it's coming from. You genuinely constantly feel in
Speaker 4: this state of like, maybe they're going to leave me,
Speaker 4: maybe I'm not good enough, maybe my feelings aren't valid,
Speaker 4: And there's this fear that's attached to abandonment. And I
Speaker 4: really like look back on my relationships now and I go, oh, wow,
Speaker 4: Like that's what that was like, I can identify that
Speaker 4: in myself, and I also identify a lot of like
Speaker 4: my like my mom's behavior in what I was doing
Speaker 4: as well, Like I really mirrored my mom's dating life
Speaker 4: myself because she didn't want to be alone and I
Speaker 4: didn't want to be alone. And I realized that I
Speaker 4: was trying to get my purpose from being in a relationship,
Speaker 4: like I was always in a relationship with someone. But
Speaker 4: also like on that, like my relationship with my mom
Speaker 4: is great, now my relationship with my dad is like.
Speaker 4: We both have very adult, very mature relationships. And I
Speaker 4: know they love me, I know that they support me.
Speaker 4: I just think as a child, there were times where
Speaker 4: I didn't get the love or the support that I
Speaker 4: felt like I needed at the time. So it was
Speaker 4: a bit mismatched. And it wasn't a reflection of not
Speaker 4: being loved by my parents. It was a reflection of
Speaker 4: them going through some really really challenging trauma themselves and
Speaker 4: also trying to deal with the fact that they had
Speaker 4: children that they were trying to raise. So you know,
Speaker 4: this is not a blame thing. This is just the
Speaker 4: reality of the world and the reality of relationships. And
Speaker 4: I guess As I've gotten older, I've looked at the
Speaker 4: relationships that I had in the past and what I
Speaker 4: want and don't want for myself, and I was just
Speaker 4: really lucky. And there's a big portion of luck that's
Speaker 4: come into this, the fact that I met Matt and
Speaker 4: he is completely different to everyone who I've dated before.
Speaker 2: He's a very secure personality type.
Speaker 4: He's always been incredibly reassuring, and over the three years
Speaker 4: that we've been together, he has molded me into a
Speaker 4: secure attachment because he's just so fucking normal it's annoying, yea,
Speaker 4: And so that's changed, you know, Like I used to
Speaker 4: date guys that were emotionally unavailable, so something that's actually
Speaker 4: really common, which you would think, how could this work?
Speaker 4: But people who have an anxious attachment type often end
Speaker 4: up dating people who are dismissive avoidant, which are guys
Speaker 4: who are totally emotionally unattached, emotionally unavailable, don't really need you,
Speaker 4: don't really want you, and make you feel unloved because
Speaker 4: there's this feeling of like, I want more, and you
Speaker 4: keep going back for more. Whereas someone who is secure
Speaker 4: and like has a very healthy attachment style wouldn't put
Speaker 4: up with that shit. Only someone who's anxious would actually
Speaker 4: put up with that shit. So it's almost like two
Speaker 4: opposites attract, and two bad characteristics often become moths to
Speaker 4: a flame in that sort of situation.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think like, wow, wow, Like that was a
Speaker 3: lot there, And I mean I know a lot about
Speaker 3: you and your history and everything, and it's I don't know.
Speaker 3: I just think you shared a new little part there,
Speaker 3: which is great. But it's funny to see. Like you said,
Speaker 3: I found that really interesting when you said, you know,
Speaker 3: my mum was dating a lot because she didn't want
Speaker 3: to be alone, and then so I was dating a
Speaker 3: lot because I didn't want to be alone. I don't
Speaker 3: think we realized until we're older how much we mimic
Speaker 3: those people that are in our lives.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and good characteristics and bad characteristics. Like when your
Speaker 4: main role model for relationships, that's your main model for relationships,
Speaker 4: that's your normal. Like that's of course what you're going
Speaker 4: to end up doing yourself as you get older.
Speaker 3: I think when I look when I think about how
Speaker 3: I was dating afterwards, I was only dating after my relationship.
Speaker 3: I was only dating people that, like you had just mentioned,
Speaker 3: they would tell me, Hey, Like I'm emotionally unavailable, I'm
Speaker 3: not physically available, Like I don't want a relationship. I
Speaker 3: don't want a relationship and I they're the people that
Speaker 3: I would invest my time in, and I was doing
Speaker 3: it because deep down I didn't want it either, and
Speaker 3: I was too scared to actually form any sort of
Speaker 3: relationship with anyone. So as soon as song was like, hey,
Speaker 3: heads up, I don't actually want anything, I was like,
Speaker 3: brilliant when really, deep down I wanted it, but I
Speaker 3: was too scared in case someone was gonna leave me.
Speaker 3: So I did have that form for probably around a
Speaker 3: year or two or ten.
Speaker 2: Nine year or two I had that.
Speaker 4: But there's a real theory to things, and I think
Speaker 4: it's so interesting when we start to unpack like who
Speaker 4: we are as people and why we make the decisions
Speaker 4: that we make, and why we choose the type of
Speaker 4: guys that we choose.
Speaker 2: Like there's there's a pattern.
Speaker 4: To this, and so much of it comes from like
Speaker 4: our personality and who we are and what we've been
Speaker 4: through in our lives, what we've been exposed to and like,
Speaker 4: like I just mentioned earlier as well, but you know,
Speaker 4: if you do find yourself constantly being attracted to people
Speaker 4: who are bad for you, or you're not feeling satisfied
Speaker 4: in your relationships, or you don't ever feel like you're
Speaker 4: in a healthy relationship. Like going to therapy and not
Speaker 4: going to therapy because you need to talk about the relationships,
Speaker 4: but going to therapy to better understand who you are
Speaker 4: as a person and why you have these needs and
Speaker 4: these wants and these insecurities or these these I'm not
Speaker 4: gonna call them shortcomings, but like these feelings of inadequacy,
Speaker 4: you can unpack that better understand who you are as
Speaker 4: a person, and then that allows you to make better
Speaker 4: decisions in your relationships and find people who are healthy,
Speaker 4: and find people who are you know, not going to
Speaker 4: fucking play into your trauma. And they are out there somewhere.
Speaker 4: They're out there. You know they're hard to find, but
Speaker 4: they're out there.
Speaker 3: The third one, which I spoke about before because it
Speaker 3: was me, was the dismissive avoidant attachment. So that's the
Speaker 3: I'm fine and you have issues. Twenty percent of people.
Speaker 3: It's literally just where you're scared of intimacy, you're afraid
Speaker 3: to get close to anyone, you don't want trust anyone,
Speaker 3: you only want to rely on yourself. You're very independent,
Speaker 3: you're basically emotionally unavailable, and you're attracted to people that
Speaker 3: are emotionally unavailable. So that's that one. We've spoken about
Speaker 3: that a lot.
Speaker 2: That was me.
Speaker 4: The reason why people may have created a dismissive personality
Speaker 4: type is because they and they totally dismiss their feelings
Speaker 4: and they they what they do is they sometimes can't
Speaker 4: even understand why people feel so much. They are the
Speaker 4: type of person that, yeah, Britney sitting and pissing herself.
Speaker 2: They're the type of person.
Speaker 4: Where when you go to them and you are upset
Speaker 4: about something in your relationship and you're like, I need
Speaker 4: to talk about this, they don't want to talk about it.
Speaker 4: They make jokes to downplay your feelings, or they are
Speaker 4: just so avoidant of conflict because they can't actually understand
Speaker 4: or comprehend that you could feel so much about something.
Speaker 4: They trivialize and downplay things well. And the reason for
Speaker 4: that and the attachment to that as a childhood attachment
Speaker 4: is coming from a family or having parental caregivers who
Speaker 4: don't attend to your needs. Basically, maybe when you're one, two,
Speaker 4: three year old you are emotionally upset about something.
Speaker 2: You're crying.
Speaker 4: You need to be cuddled and need to be loved
Speaker 4: and need to be given affection, need to be told
Speaker 4: I love you.
Speaker 2: You're not having that met.
Speaker 4: Maybe all of your food, your dietary requirements, your your house,
Speaker 4: like all of the other functional things are being met,
Speaker 4: but your emotional needs aren't being met. And without feeling
Speaker 4: like love and connection you as a child, that can
Speaker 4: be very, very traumatic. And what happens is that over
Speaker 4: time you start to downplay your own feelings.
Speaker 2: You don't play into them, you don't.
Speaker 4: Allow them to actually be real, and so over time
Speaker 4: you've created this defense mechanism to downplay feelings and like
Speaker 4: not value their importance, if that makes sense real.
Speaker 3: I was like, I know what I'm saying, but deep
Speaker 3: it's just I'm laughing because even when I'm reading this
Speaker 3: now i'm looking at it on the screen and listening
Speaker 3: to you talk about it, I've just never felt so
Speaker 3: seen then this attachment style. Like when I was reading it,
Speaker 3: I've just never categorized myself so much. I've always just
Speaker 3: thought I was a bit different with my emotions. And
Speaker 3: when I saw it on paper, I was like it's
Speaker 3: actually a thing, and I'm actually that thing.
Speaker 2: I'm actually that thing in that box.
Speaker 3: There's this one statement that they put in this type
Speaker 3: of type of style to explain it. They often make
Speaker 3: jokes to avoid difficult conversations and feel anxious and trapped
Speaker 3: when a partner expresses feelings. Now, this could not be
Speaker 3: more accurate. I always have said, and I always do.
Speaker 3: My Bachelor finale is like estimate to this. When I'm
Speaker 3: uncomfortable or upset or feeling heightened emotions, I laugh and
Speaker 3: I joke.
Speaker 2: And even when Nick was like, it's not you, you.
Speaker 3: Just laughing, I'm laughing out. I laugh and I make
Speaker 3: jokes about it. And if you can look back at
Speaker 3: any interview or anything I've done, or even you guys
Speaker 3: know me on the podcast, like as soon as it
Speaker 3: gets two deep by like make a lull. But when
Speaker 3: I remember when I went and delivered this news to
Speaker 3: Sophie on my Bachelor finale, it was all very big.
Speaker 2: She was bawling her eyes out, and I was in hysterics.
Speaker 3: I couldn't stop laughing, and in my inside of me,
Speaker 3: I was like, stop laughing because people think you're nuts.
Speaker 2: Like, people don't get it.
Speaker 3: But that's how I deal with my heightened emotions and
Speaker 3: when I'm upset, like it was a cry laughing, I
Speaker 3: was crying because I was emotional, But I always.
Speaker 2: Try and make light of a situation and like, but.
Speaker 4: I think so many people will relate to this, like
Speaker 4: humor really is a coping mechanism for so many people.
Speaker 4: It's a way that we are able to not look
Speaker 4: like we're vulner especially women, like women, a lot of women.
Speaker 2: And I'm guilty of this as well. I don't want
Speaker 2: to be vulnerable.
Speaker 4: I don't want to seem like I'm weak or that
Speaker 4: I need someone to help me or fix me. And
Speaker 4: it actually took me a really long time to realize
Speaker 4: that there is power and vulnerability.
Speaker 2: And I used to be the person as well.
Speaker 4: That made a lot of jokes whenever I was upset
Speaker 4: about something because I wanted to be fine all the time.
Speaker 2: Everything's fine. I'm the queen of using that word.
Speaker 3: I'm fine, you're fine, we're fine, everything's fucking fine, to
Speaker 3: the point where some of my friends have genuinely banned
Speaker 3: me using the word fine because it's okay to not
Speaker 3: be fine. Struggle you actually you still say you say, oh,
Speaker 3: so fine, babe, so fine, you say all the time fine,
Speaker 3: and I was like, you're crying in the corner, naked,
Speaker 3: You're not fine. That was one time, Renie we said
Speaker 3: we never talked about in the podcast. It's not fine,
Speaker 3: but totally like humor is a Coby mechanism. Humor is
Speaker 3: something that we used to deflect our emotions, and that's okay,
Speaker 3: there's nothing wrong with doing that, but it can be
Speaker 3: healthy to actually unpack what those feelings are and sit
Speaker 3: in feelings of well because, like I said, there is
Speaker 3: real power and vulnerability. And when you are the person
Speaker 3: who is always fine, and you're the person who's always
Speaker 3: making jokes, you become the person who never gets help
Speaker 3: because people don't want to reach out and help someone
Speaker 3: who seems like they're always fine, they're always strong. And
Speaker 3: that's why it's really important to ask your friend who
Speaker 3: seems like the one who's always got the shit together
Speaker 3: and is always okay with every situation, if they're actually okay.
Speaker 2: They probably aren't. Sometimes they may be naked in the
Speaker 2: corner and crying. It's funny. I've come a long way now.
Speaker 3: I never ever ever told anyone I wasn't fine and
Speaker 3: I never cried to anyone, But now I've got a
Speaker 3: small group of people laws one of them that I'll
Speaker 3: just have my cry break down on the phone and
Speaker 3: I'll be like, I'm not okay. And it's been so
Speaker 3: helpful for me to have that group of people to
Speaker 3: do that too, and it's I think it's finally letting
Speaker 3: me move in the right direction. So I think this
Speaker 3: is a really big thing, is to acknowledge that you're
Speaker 3: one of these things, that you're one of these styles,
Speaker 3: or that you have principles of one of these styles.
Speaker 3: Just to acknowledge that have a thing about it and
Speaker 3: and work towards getting out of that. So I think
Speaker 3: that's I've like, it's been a really big thing for
Speaker 3: me to be vulnerable, but I am, And that's I
Speaker 3: don't know, it's great.
Speaker 2: Oh bloody great, No it is.
Speaker 3: But even when you and I are crying on the
Speaker 3: phone sometimes, like we both do it, we'll be upset
Speaker 3: about something, but then we'll still be making jokes, like
Speaker 3: even in our deepest like in our tears, and then
Speaker 3: we're cracking up, but then we're still really sad, but like.
Speaker 2: We can't just be sad. It's ridiculous.
Speaker 4: But I guess like that also comes you know, when
Speaker 4: you're a really independent person, when you felt like you
Speaker 4: need to be the pillar of strength for yourself because
Speaker 4: you're like, well, no one else is going to do it.
Speaker 2: Like that's that's the outcome of it.
Speaker 4: And like we've said at the beginning of this, there's
Speaker 4: no right or wrong, there's no there's no bad way
Speaker 4: of being. You haven't done anything wrong. You're not broken,
Speaker 4: you're not deficient, you don't have issues just because you're
Speaker 4: you're not sitting in a secure attachment style, just because
Speaker 4: you have traits of all these other things. Like we've
Speaker 4: all been through some shit in our lives that's effect
Speaker 4: us in different ways. That's made us skeptical of relationships,
Speaker 4: that's pushed us and pushed our boundaries. But it's really
Speaker 4: healthy to understand what those things are so that you
Speaker 4: can work towards becoming a secure attachment type. That's all
Speaker 4: this is. It's not about shaming anyone for sitting in
Speaker 4: a category or struggling with their emotions. And I know
Speaker 4: there's going to be loads of people who are listening
Speaker 4: to this episode who are like, oh, like, I'm totally fine.
Speaker 4: I have a totally normal attachment style. I had a
Speaker 4: totally normal upbringing, and that's amazing. Like, there are people
Speaker 4: out there who have been super fortunate. There are people
Speaker 4: who have really fucked up childhoods. There are people who
Speaker 4: have really fucked up relationships, like you, Britt, like you
Speaker 4: know you are, Like, well, my childhood was great, but
Speaker 4: my first real relationship was so chaos, yeah, so messed
Speaker 4: up that it then totally rewired my ability to trust
Speaker 4: or to feel love again. That's why I find this
Speaker 4: so interesting and so important because it allows you to
Speaker 4: identify what's happening in your life and make changes to
Speaker 4: have a better life.
Speaker 2: That was fucking deep. That was deep. We're about to
Speaker 2: get deeper, all right, give me the last one. Number four.
Speaker 3: It's fearful avoidant attachment. Now, this is like I'm fucked.
Speaker 3: You're fucked, We're fucked. It's fucked. Everything's fucked.
Speaker 4: When the flaws on fire and flaws on fire. But
Speaker 4: this is also really important to know that this is
Speaker 4: the absolute minority.
Speaker 2: There's five percent of people. Four percent. There we go,
Speaker 2: this is.
Speaker 4: Four percent of people who actually had this as their
Speaker 4: predominant attachment style. And this is like this is some
Speaker 4: serious trauma shit. This is like you have had an
Speaker 4: extremely traumatic childhood and it takes years of therapy. There's
Speaker 4: also often substance abuse or abuse of other kinds that
Speaker 4: are involved in this attachment style.
Speaker 3: So this is very rare, but it's very real. It's
Speaker 3: a really hard one for these people that are in
Speaker 3: this style because they're in this like constant conflict of
Speaker 3: what they want to need. They really really want to
Speaker 3: avoid relationships and are scared of it. But on the
Speaker 3: other sense, they're craving it and they want it and
Speaker 3: they don't want love, but they really really don't want
Speaker 3: to be alone too, so they don't there's no balance
Speaker 3: for them.
Speaker 2: And I can't imagine.
Speaker 3: This fight and storm that they would have in their
Speaker 3: mind because all they want is this need to be
Speaker 3: loved and secure, but they're so scared of it that
Speaker 3: they could think of nothing worse at the same time, Like,
Speaker 3: what do you do in that situation?
Speaker 2: I think this is when it's.
Speaker 3: Really really important to go and seek help, go and
Speaker 3: see a professional.
Speaker 4: I don't think that sort of attachment style is something
Speaker 4: you can really work through on your own. I think
Speaker 4: if if the trauma is that deep, seated and like
Speaker 4: you want to feel loved, but you're so fearful of
Speaker 4: being loved that you lash out and push people away.
Speaker 4: Like that's when you have to go do some heavy
Speaker 4: lifting with a therapist. There's lots of stuff to unpack there,
Speaker 4: and there's lots of things about yourself and about your
Speaker 4: relationships that you have to talk through.
Speaker 2: And like we said earlier, you can change your attachment style,
Speaker 2: you just have to a recognize it. So do the quiz.
Speaker 2: There are so many different quizzes.
Speaker 3: There are ones that have like two hundred questions that
Speaker 3: are deep and they go into every aspect of your life,
Speaker 3: and then there are some that are like fifty questions.
Speaker 3: There are some that are twenty five questions.
Speaker 4: We're going to put two of them in the details
Speaker 4: of this podcast anyway, So we both did a couple
Speaker 4: of them. One of them I found really great because
Speaker 4: it's like a very intense questionnaire that you can do.
Speaker 4: One of them is a little bit more top level,
Speaker 4: So we'll put them both in that way you can choose.
Speaker 4: But I also think like during this time of twenty
Speaker 4: twenty crazy COVID, this has been a real amplifier for relationships.
Speaker 4: You know, this period of being in lockdown with your partner,
Speaker 4: this period of like working from home, spending all your.
Speaker 2: Fucking hand together.
Speaker 4: This is really really put the microscope in a lot
Speaker 4: of relationships, and for some of them it's galvanized. It's
Speaker 4: major relationships even better, it's made you absolutely certain that
Speaker 4: you are with and supported by the person you love.
Speaker 4: And then for other people it has really amplified the
Speaker 4: flaws and made you go, holy shit, like this, we've
Speaker 4: got some problems here, We've got some stuff we need
Speaker 4: to work on. So do this attachment theory questionnaire and
Speaker 4: have these open conversations with your partner along with during
Speaker 4: the love languages is one as well from a few
Speaker 4: episodgo because that is bloody good.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So, just to summarize what therapists and psychologists do say
Speaker 3: to do if you do want to try and change
Speaker 3: your attachment style.
Speaker 2: This is gonna sound like very obvious.
Speaker 3: We've said it a lot, but it's obviously so important
Speaker 3: that every therapist always comes back to it. Number one
Speaker 3: is just identify your relationship patterns. Just look back at
Speaker 3: at what Laura was saying, Look back at your past relationships.
Speaker 3: Hers were all the same. They were all toxic. They
Speaker 3: were all because she was in a place of need
Speaker 3: not want. So go back to your past relationships and
Speaker 3: identify them. Assess your current and past attachment style. See
Speaker 3: if these patterns are still relevant now or.
Speaker 2: If you slowly started to change.
Speaker 3: And the big, big one, which seems so damn obvious
Speaker 3: but none of us do it enough, it's work on
Speaker 3: your self esteem. So it's super common characteristic across all
Speaker 3: of these insecure attachment styles.
Speaker 2: To have low self esteem.
Speaker 3: You just need to learn to embrace and love yourself
Speaker 3: and look after yourself first, be okay on your own
Speaker 3: And we say that so much, but it really really
Speaker 3: is so important to get to a place where you're
Speaker 3: happy with who you are, You're happy with where you're going,
Speaker 3: You're comfortable in your own space and your own time
Speaker 3: and your own thoughts, and.
Speaker 2: From there a whole new world opens up.
Speaker 3: And I think if we all sit back and be really,
Speaker 3: really honest with ourself, all of us at some point
Speaker 3: in time would have had issues with our confidence and
Speaker 3: self esteem and we probably still struggle with that now.
Speaker 2: It fluctuates.
Speaker 4: I mean I even think now like I feel like
Speaker 4: I got to a point where I was like, yes,
Speaker 4: I feel very self confident. I feel great about myself
Speaker 4: now that I'm thirty four, and I feel like in
Speaker 4: the last year I've aged about fucking seven hundred years
Speaker 4: in a year. There are days where I feel totally
Speaker 4: insecure again, Like, it's just I think it's that level
Speaker 4: of having self love. It's dynamic, and you know, I'm
Speaker 4: so happy for the people who are like Buddha and
Speaker 4: feel enlightened and they've reached it, and not just on
Speaker 4: the superficial social media level that we see all the
Speaker 4: time where it's like love yourself, here's a photo.
Speaker 2: Of my cellul lit.
Speaker 4: I mean really actually experiencing and practicing self acceptance. I
Speaker 4: think it's very, very hard, and I think there's no
Speaker 4: shame in saying that. Sometimes sometimes you practice self acceptance
Speaker 4: times you feel insecure about things about yourself, and you know,
Speaker 4: it's dynamic, it shifts and you can you just have
Speaker 4: to work towards having that as more of a constant
Speaker 4: in your life. Actually, one thing that Brit put down
Speaker 4: Brit did the notes for today's episode, for every episode,
Speaker 4: talking like every sixty episodes. I do the research too,
Speaker 4: Excuse me, Okay, So one thing that BRIT's written down here,
Speaker 4: which I actually really think this is great. You know,
Speaker 4: there's a lot of fruit through around self love and
Speaker 4: self acceptance.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of.
Speaker 4: Like woo, like love yourself no matter what, embrace everything,
Speaker 4: and like that's great.
Speaker 2: But you know what, sometimes.
Speaker 4: There's often so much self acceptance talk, especially on social media,
Speaker 4: that if you don't feel like you're at a point
Speaker 4: where you totally love yourself, it almost makes you feel
Speaker 4: worse that, like everybody else is so fucking in love
Speaker 4: with themselves and I'm not, so I love myself that
Speaker 4: much totally.
Speaker 2: Like sometimes I have.
Speaker 4: To switch off, totally switch off on mute people because
Speaker 4: I'm like this, this constant conversation about how accepting you
Speaker 4: are of yourself makes me feel like I'm not really
Speaker 4: winning because I'm like, some days I feel great and
Speaker 4: some days I still struggle with it.
Speaker 2: And that's where I'm at.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's okay, And that's when you know, to
Speaker 3: turn your social media for a day or two totally.
Speaker 1: Well.
Speaker 4: One of the things that BRIT's written down, which I
Speaker 4: think is actually really great, is instead of like standing
Speaker 4: in the mirror and telling yourself an affirmation that you
Speaker 4: don't really believe, like, you know, maybe you think you
Speaker 4: need to stand in the mirror and be like, I'm beautiful,
Speaker 4: I love myself, I'm worthy of love. You don't have
Speaker 4: to say that. Why don't you start with something that's
Speaker 4: more about self neutrality and like actually accepting who you are,
Speaker 4: not loving yourself yet, but just having some acceptance and
Speaker 4: being like, you know, like I'm a good person, I
Speaker 4: am worthy of a relationship, I am worthy of being loved.
Speaker 4: Like that is enough to set you on the right
Speaker 4: path towards rewiring your brain and convincing yourself, and you know,
Speaker 4: step it up when you feel it. Having a good day, Yeah,
Speaker 4: you look hot today, you look fucking hot. But on
Speaker 4: the days that you're not feeling that, be kind to
Speaker 4: yourself and be very conscious of your internal monologue and
Speaker 4: the words that you're using to discre yourself, because if
Speaker 4: they're not worse that you would use to describe your
Speaker 4: friend or somebody who you just met on the street, that,
Speaker 4: don't use them to describe yourself.
Speaker 2: In terms of self neutrality.
Speaker 4: Is that hey, you're saying it neutrality, neutral neutral reality,
Speaker 4: neutrality neutrality, Yeah, go for it.
Speaker 2: Didn't roll off the tongue. I don't know if you're
Speaker 2: saying it right.
Speaker 4: In terms of coming to self help talk with Britain Laura.
Speaker 4: In terms of self neutrality, one thing that I would
Speaker 4: say to myself and I still do say to myself
Speaker 4: is you deserve to be treated the way you treat others.
Speaker 4: I think that's a really good one because it's not
Speaker 4: I'm not pep.
Speaker 3: Talking myself like, yeah, you look beautiful, you're hot, you've
Speaker 3: got this, you can win the world.
Speaker 2: It's literally it's about this.
Speaker 3: It's literally just about saying like, you deserve to be
Speaker 3: treated the way you treat other people. And I think
Speaker 3: it's just a really good one to reset your brain
Speaker 3: and your thought process and be like, no, you know what,
Speaker 3: I do deserve this and I don't have to sell
Speaker 3: for anything less. So I think that's a really good
Speaker 3: one to start with when we're talking about this, like
Speaker 3: look in the mirror thing, Yeah totally, so you don't
Speaker 3: even need a mirror.
Speaker 2: You don't need a mirror.
Speaker 4: And also like I and this has nothing to do
Speaker 4: with this episode, but I'm gonna say it anyway because
Speaker 4: I really really believe in it, Like your worth is
Speaker 4: not based on what you look like. And I think
Speaker 4: that there is times where we really need to get
Speaker 4: away from this idea that like, to be worthy and
Speaker 4: to be successful, you need to be atypically beautiful. Like
Speaker 4: that's bullshit. Your worth is not based in your beauty.
Speaker 4: And we're all gonna get old, we're all gonna get saggy,
Speaker 4: we're all gonna get pigmentation, we're all gonna get wrinkles.
Speaker 2: Like that pigmentation really there isn't it. That's my jam.
Speaker 4: We all know that that's the one thing that gets
Speaker 4: me self conscious. But yeah, like we're all gonna get
Speaker 4: those things. And if your worth is based in how
Speaker 4: you look, then you're really going to struggle when that
Speaker 4: that goes. You know, when you're getting pitted against twenty
Speaker 4: year olds and you're in your late thirties, Like you
Speaker 4: need to work on having pillars of value that are
Speaker 4: not based on your looks, which is what social media
Speaker 4: does to us these days. So, like that is totally
Speaker 4: off topic, but I'm pretty sure that's a topic. We
Speaker 4: should talk about it completely. The other day, I know
Speaker 4: I could go I was just about to launch into
Speaker 4: my own I was about to be like intelligent and human.
Speaker 4: This is about doing a three hour podcast and that's
Speaker 4: our whole week gone, guys on this podcast.
Speaker 3: No, I think look, I think we've gone into it
Speaker 3: some pretty solid depth. I think we've covered a lot.
Speaker 3: The last thing I want to say, and we're not
Speaker 3: going to get into this because there's so much into it,
Speaker 3: but I just want to make you aware of it.
Speaker 3: These attachment styles can translate into your work life as well.
Speaker 3: So if you're having trouble at work, you're not progressing,
Speaker 3: or you're you're in charge and you're having trouble with
Speaker 3: other people, they can actually be bringing these attachment styles
Speaker 3: into their work. And there's so much information on that
Speaker 3: and the internet, so I just wanted to flag that
Speaker 3: with you guys. It's just something you think about if
Speaker 3: this triggers anything with you, one hundred percent. But also
Speaker 3: on top of that, it's not just like when we've
Speaker 3: been talking about romantic relationships, because obviously that's something that
Speaker 3: we focus so heavily on on this podcast, but it
Speaker 3: regards your friendships, in regards to your work, in regards
Speaker 3: to like how you communicate and build relationships on a
Speaker 3: day to day level, Like it's all It affects all
Speaker 3: types of attachments and all types of relationships big and small.
Speaker 3: It's just that, you know, often the biggest relationship that
Speaker 3: we kind of have to deal with is a romantic
Speaker 3: one in our life. That can be like the flagship
Speaker 3: one that all the others kind of get compared against. Yeah,
Speaker 3: my biggest relationship is the one I have with food.
Speaker 4: But and that's a healthy one. Thank you, Brittany, It's
Speaker 4: a solid one. Guys, thank you so much for tuning in.
Speaker 3: We love your support, We love getting your feedback. It
Speaker 3: really really does it for us. It just means the
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Speaker 4: And for all the other goss that is also Life
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