WEBVTT - Walk down memory lane - Daddy Issues talking attachment styles 0:00:19.600 --> 0:00:21.400 Hey, guys's producer Kasha here. 0:00:21.480 --> 0:00:23.160 I hope you've had I'm going to say a pretty 0:00:23.160 --> 0:00:23.520 good week. 0:00:23.640 --> 0:00:25.200 I'm not going to stay a great week because half 0:00:25.239 --> 0:00:27.200 of the country are still in lockdown. And if you 0:00:27.240 --> 0:00:28.760 are one of those people in lockdown, I hope the 0:00:28.800 --> 0:00:30.880 podcast has been able to give you a bit of 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:32.720 an escape and a bit of a laugh, because you 0:00:32.800 --> 0:00:33.879 probably need it right now. 0:00:33.920 --> 0:00:34.080 Now. 0:00:34.120 --> 0:00:36.279 This is the last week that Laura and britt are 0:00:36.280 --> 0:00:38.000 on break. They're going to be back to normal as 0:00:38.040 --> 0:00:38.920 of next Tuesday. 0:00:39.320 --> 0:00:41.080 Last Friday, Laura and Maddie. 0:00:40.840 --> 0:00:43.920 Jay decided to sprinkle something a little extra in there, 0:00:44.560 --> 0:00:46.400 and it sounds as though you guys loved it. 0:00:46.680 --> 0:00:48.040 Personally, I loved it too. 0:00:48.120 --> 0:00:50.640 They've decided that they want to do some batchy recaps 0:00:50.680 --> 0:00:52.680 of this new season of The Bachelor, so they will 0:00:52.720 --> 0:00:56.280 be dropping in your podcast libraries every single Friday for 0:00:56.360 --> 0:00:58.160 about the next six weeks. 0:00:58.160 --> 0:00:59.680 I think that's how long the season goes for. 0:00:59.720 --> 0:01:01.920 Out of however long the season goes for is however 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:04.160 long they are going to be doing them. I could 0:01:04.160 --> 0:01:06.640 be super biased, and I probably am because I work 0:01:06.680 --> 0:01:09.840 for the podcast, you know, but I thought it was hilarious, 0:01:09.959 --> 0:01:13.280 even potentially more funny than watching the actual episodes of 0:01:13.319 --> 0:01:15.759 the Bachelor. So if you haven't listened to it, go back, 0:01:15.800 --> 0:01:18.000 have a listen. It's the episode from last Friday, their 0:01:18.080 --> 0:01:20.000 very first batchy recap, and they're going to have another 0:01:20.000 --> 0:01:21.160 one for you this Friday. 0:01:21.200 --> 0:01:22.560 But for today, we. 0:01:22.520 --> 0:01:24.440 Are taking a trip down memory lane, which means that 0:01:24.480 --> 0:01:26.320 we are revisiting some of our favorite. 0:01:26.040 --> 0:01:27.200 Episodes from the past. 0:01:27.520 --> 0:01:29.240 And I think I speak for everyone when I say 0:01:29.280 --> 0:01:32.120 that we like to know the psychology of our own 0:01:32.160 --> 0:01:34.679 brains and maybe of our partners, or our family or 0:01:34.720 --> 0:01:37.600 our friends. We like to know why we kind of 0:01:37.760 --> 0:01:40.640 act different in different situations, or how maybe we feel 0:01:40.640 --> 0:01:43.520 different about different situations. Now we've done the love languages, 0:01:43.800 --> 0:01:47.080 We've done the Maya Briggs personality tests, we've done conflict resolution, 0:01:47.240 --> 0:01:51.760 and today we are talking attachment theory. We're basically asking 0:01:51.800 --> 0:01:54.200 if you got daddy issues. Okay, if you don't know 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:57.880 what attachment type you have, you can take the test. 0:01:57.920 --> 0:01:59.480 There is a link in our show notes. You can 0:01:59.480 --> 0:02:02.200 find that by going onto Apple Podcasts or on Spotify, 0:02:02.720 --> 0:02:04.160 and you can find out where you kind of sit 0:02:04.240 --> 0:02:07.280 on the attachment styles spectrum. We're about to jump into them. 0:02:07.280 --> 0:02:11.760 We're about to talk all things fearful, avoidant, anxious, preoccupied, dismissive, avoidant, 0:02:11.760 --> 0:02:12.400 and secure. 0:02:13.000 --> 0:02:15.040 And if you have absolutely no idea what. 0:02:15.000 --> 0:02:17.080 I was just saying, that's fine because Laura and grit 0:02:17.200 --> 0:02:18.399 are about to go through. 0:02:18.240 --> 0:02:19.680 Your attachment theories. 0:02:19.720 --> 0:02:21.760 I hope you really enjoy this work down the new name, 0:02:21.800 --> 0:02:22.639 let's jump into it. 0:02:34.760 --> 0:02:37.040 Okay, so we're going to talk about attachment styles. Now. 0:02:37.080 --> 0:02:39.840 Before I give a little intro into this, I do 0:02:39.919 --> 0:02:42.040 want to say I didn't know a lot about it. 0:02:42.120 --> 0:02:43.840 You mentioned it a little while ago, Laura on one 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:46.200 of the episodes that you've done an attachment style quiz. 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:48.560 We always said would go back to it, but I've 0:02:48.560 --> 0:02:51.200 never really delved deep into it before. I found it 0:02:51.360 --> 0:02:55.440 so interesting. There is a lot of content here, guys, 0:02:55.880 --> 0:02:57.880 and we're going to be reading a lot of stuff 0:02:57.919 --> 0:03:01.560 out that we've actually just learned from a lot of therapists, psychologists, 0:03:01.560 --> 0:03:04.440 just things that we've researched ourselves. So this is coming 0:03:04.480 --> 0:03:07.519 from both we're still learning at the same time. We 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:09.280 want to deliver this content to you because we think 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:11.320 it's going to really help and affect your life, and 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:14.280 I think everyone can just learn something from it. Yeah, 0:03:14.320 --> 0:03:16.160 and the idea of attachment start. So this is a 0:03:16.240 --> 0:03:19.440 theory that I've always found really interesting and fascinating. It's 0:03:19.600 --> 0:03:21.720 to do with like your relationship with your parents, and 0:03:21.720 --> 0:03:25.079 that's where attachment theory comes from. So in your early 0:03:25.160 --> 0:03:27.720 life and your childhood, when you from when you were 0:03:27.760 --> 0:03:30.600 born until when you're about the age three, that's when 0:03:31.000 --> 0:03:33.920 your parents have a very profound impact on the way 0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:37.840 that you feel loved, receive love, and build attachments towards 0:03:37.840 --> 0:03:40.720 other people. And if you have had a bit of 0:03:40.720 --> 0:03:44.520 a complicated childhood, if you haven't received love or attachment 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:46.560 in a way that could be considered, you know, in 0:03:46.640 --> 0:03:50.600 quotation marks normal, then you may have a slightly more 0:03:50.680 --> 0:03:53.720 dysfunctional adult attachment type. And I guess for me, the 0:03:53.760 --> 0:03:56.400 reason why this became something that I was really interested 0:03:56.400 --> 0:03:58.520 in is because, like I've talked about loads on this 0:03:58.600 --> 0:04:03.000 podcast before, I had a really unhealthy attachment style prior 0:04:03.040 --> 0:04:04.320 to my relationships with Matt. 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:06.640 And we'll get into it. Britain I both did the test. 0:04:06.720 --> 0:04:09.440 Now we both kind of uncovered our own attachment styles. 0:04:09.800 --> 0:04:11.720 Mine has changed over the years and I have a 0:04:11.800 --> 0:04:15.320 much more secure attachment type now. But we'll get into 0:04:15.400 --> 0:04:19.039 like how how your childhood basically can really form and 0:04:19.080 --> 0:04:22.839 affect the way that you feel, receive and create bonds 0:04:22.880 --> 0:04:26.280 in your relationships as adults. But like brit said, some 0:04:26.360 --> 0:04:28.120 of it is research and some of it is from 0:04:28.320 --> 0:04:29.680 our own experiences as well. 0:04:30.040 --> 0:04:31.120 Have you got people in your life. 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:33.440 Where you've ever looked at people friends, family, or thought 0:04:33.440 --> 0:04:35.719 about the way you're in a relationship. Some people are 0:04:35.760 --> 0:04:38.120 really aloof and unattached in their relationships. 0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:39.320 Yeah, like they're all dated. 0:04:39.320 --> 0:04:43.080 A guy who's like just doesn't give you anything, and yeah, 0:04:43.120 --> 0:04:44.599 this guy's fucking stone wall. 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:47.800 And then others are super attached, super clingy, really needy. 0:04:47.880 --> 0:04:50.760 They need constant validation. And what it comes down to 0:04:50.800 --> 0:04:53.160 is some people are secure and some people are unsecure. 0:04:53.640 --> 0:04:57.120 That's the basis of it. But there are four styles 0:04:57.200 --> 0:05:01.039 of attachment. So the four attachment styles are secure attachment, 0:05:01.640 --> 0:05:08.400 anxious preoccupied attachment, dismissive avoidant attachment, and fearful avoidant attachment. 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:09.600 What are you. 0:05:12.760 --> 0:05:14.200 I thought we were going to be like and now 0:05:14.200 --> 0:05:17.880 we're going to unpack these but like, okay, so we're 0:05:17.880 --> 0:05:19.240 going to put the link in like we did for 0:05:19.279 --> 0:05:21.360 the Love Languages test. We're going to put the link 0:05:21.400 --> 0:05:23.400 into the description notes for this episode, so that you 0:05:23.400 --> 0:05:25.800 can go and do your own attachment assessment and you 0:05:25.839 --> 0:05:28.440 can find out what sort of attachment type you are 0:05:28.839 --> 0:05:31.039 and unpack that with your partner. You can also do 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:32.719 it with them, and it kind of just opens up 0:05:32.720 --> 0:05:37.760 this conversation and understanding around why you behave the way 0:05:37.800 --> 0:05:40.640 that you behave, and why you perceive relationships and connection 0:05:40.760 --> 0:05:43.680 in the way that you perceive and define your relationship. 0:05:44.200 --> 0:05:47.680 So my we're gonna start with me. Let's start with 0:05:47.720 --> 0:05:48.239 the trauma. 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:51.600 All right, what are you? So we've both done the test, so. 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:55.320 Mine has changed significantly. So I did my test years 0:05:55.360 --> 0:05:58.080 and years ago and I was very very high on 0:05:58.200 --> 0:06:03.120 anxious preoccupied attachment. Anxious perio occupied attachment is like I mean, 0:06:03.160 --> 0:06:05.560 I've described this to you guys before, but it's it's 0:06:05.720 --> 0:06:09.240 this need of being in a relationship. I got a 0:06:09.279 --> 0:06:11.599 lot of my purpose and a lot of my value 0:06:11.640 --> 0:06:14.960 in myself from feeling loved by somebody else. And I 0:06:15.040 --> 0:06:17.640 was always very insecure that they were going to leave me. 0:06:18.360 --> 0:06:23.320 I had massive daddy issues basically of abandonment. Laugh even 0:06:23.440 --> 0:06:25.720 like it's not funny, it's not funny, but but this 0:06:26.279 --> 0:06:27.600 was me and this is like, you know, this was 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:30.120 very patent behavior, and a lot of my past relationships, 0:06:30.160 --> 0:06:32.960 I was always somebody who got into relationships that were 0:06:33.160 --> 0:06:39.840 very quick moving, very very intense, very volatile, and then 0:06:39.839 --> 0:06:41.760 I would be left feeling like there was something wrong 0:06:41.800 --> 0:06:44.720 with me because the relationship didn't work out. That has 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:47.960 changed significantly, and I can only attribute that to being 0:06:48.000 --> 0:06:51.039 in a really healthy relationship with someone who is incredibly patient, 0:06:51.120 --> 0:06:55.120 like Matt is an angel and from the heavens. But 0:06:55.360 --> 0:06:58.680 it's changed massively over the years. So I now was 0:06:58.680 --> 0:07:02.880 really surprised with my results. So I have basically basically 0:07:02.920 --> 0:07:05.080 the way it works is like you can be you're 0:07:05.120 --> 0:07:07.400 a dominant attachment style, So there's one that is going 0:07:07.440 --> 0:07:09.880 to be dominant for you, and then we all display 0:07:09.960 --> 0:07:13.800 characteristics of the others, and those characteristics can change depending 0:07:13.840 --> 0:07:16.320 on the relationship that you're in. They can also change 0:07:16.320 --> 0:07:18.000 depending on the time of your life that you're in, 0:07:18.040 --> 0:07:19.920 and so sometimes they might be higher or lower. But 0:07:20.040 --> 0:07:22.920 you know, we have an overall main attachment style, and 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:25.880 now in my relationships, my main attachment style style is 0:07:25.920 --> 0:07:31.640 fifty percent secure. Unsurprisingly coming a relatively close second, my anxious, 0:07:31.640 --> 0:07:34.800 preoccupied attachment style is my number two at thirty three percent, 0:07:35.360 --> 0:07:38.880 and then dismissive avoidant at eight percent and fearful avoidant 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:41.320 at eight percent as well, So I have a little 0:07:41.400 --> 0:07:42.840 bit from each category. 0:07:42.960 --> 0:07:43.680 It's pretty even. 0:07:44.160 --> 0:07:46.960 But yeah, secure, and guys like you want to be secure. 0:07:47.000 --> 0:07:48.920 That means that you're in a functioning relationship where you 0:07:48.960 --> 0:07:50.880 feel loved, You feel like you can communicate with your 0:07:50.880 --> 0:07:55.240 partner safely, you're not scared of abandonment. So like being 0:07:55.240 --> 0:07:58.000 in that and having that as like your most significant 0:07:58.280 --> 0:08:00.920 value on your scorecard is that's it. 0:08:01.080 --> 0:08:02.600 That's a sweet spot. That's where you want to be. 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:05.800 I think it's really interesting. 0:08:05.960 --> 0:08:07.840 I like the fact that it can change because it 0:08:08.200 --> 0:08:11.400 evolves with you, I guess. And it's like you just said, 0:08:11.480 --> 0:08:13.679 you went from just being insecure all the time. 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:14.720 And needing needy. 0:08:14.760 --> 0:08:17.280 You were needy you needed love to now you are 0:08:17.320 --> 0:08:19.880 so happy and confident in your relationship and you feel secure. 0:08:20.000 --> 0:08:21.880 You don't feel like Matt's going to ever abandon you, 0:08:22.360 --> 0:08:23.760 and I think that's a really nice place to be. 0:08:23.880 --> 0:08:26.920 So I love that you're you've shown and you're open 0:08:27.040 --> 0:08:29.480 enough to say, yeah, I went from one extreme to 0:08:29.520 --> 0:08:30.840 the other, So that's that's really nice. 0:08:30.840 --> 0:08:32.679 So congratulations on being secure. 0:08:34.080 --> 0:08:36.840 Congratulations on getting your shit together, Laura, thank you, thank 0:08:36.840 --> 0:08:39.520 you very much. But you know, like, like we'll get 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:42.080 into all of this, but there are ways to change 0:08:42.080 --> 0:08:44.480 your attachment style if you feel like you're really vulnerable 0:08:44.480 --> 0:08:46.839 in your relationships, Like therapy, we'll talk about all the 0:08:46.880 --> 0:08:49.680 different ways to unpack it and ways to really approach 0:08:50.240 --> 0:08:54.040 if you have a dysfunctional attachment style. But yeah, well obviously, 0:08:54.040 --> 0:08:55.720 like after we talk about hour and styles, we'll get 0:08:55.760 --> 0:08:59.320 into like what each one actually means and what that 0:08:59.480 --> 0:09:01.360 looks like as a personality type. 0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:03.040 Yea, So mine was interesting. 0:09:04.400 --> 0:09:08.280 Mine was fifty eight percent secure, which for me, I 0:09:08.280 --> 0:09:10.200 guess it's hard because I've been single for a long time. 0:09:10.240 --> 0:09:12.360 But what these quizzes do if you are single, that's 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:15.160 so fine. It'll tell you to think of the relationships 0:09:15.320 --> 0:09:17.640 that you do have in your life or think back 0:09:17.720 --> 0:09:21.199 to a last relationship. But so for me, I can 0:09:21.240 --> 0:09:23.280 be secure in the fact that I have an amazing 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:25.280 family who I know are there for me. I know 0:09:25.320 --> 0:09:26.600 they're never going to leave me. I know if I 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:28.600 need anything, I can go to them. The same with 0:09:28.640 --> 0:09:30.720 my small group of friends. I know I've got people 0:09:30.720 --> 0:09:32.400 to rely on, so I think that's where it stemmed 0:09:32.440 --> 0:09:37.360 from me. But the next category in my pie I 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:43.960 was twenty percent avoidant dismissive, which when I was reading 0:09:44.360 --> 0:09:47.240 what avoidant dismissive is, I was like, holy bejeebers like 0:09:47.400 --> 0:09:50.079 me to tea. I'm going to read you guys, what 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:54.839 it actually says, avoidant dismissive is avoidant. Attachment style is 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:58.040 a form of insecure attachment style marked by a fear 0:09:58.120 --> 0:10:02.040 of intimacy GUILTU before we avoid an attachment style tend 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:04.720 to have trouble getting close to others or trusting others 0:10:04.800 --> 0:10:09.320 in relationships gilto They typically maintain some distance from their 0:10:09.320 --> 0:10:13.559 partners or are largely emotionally unavailable in their relationships, preferring 0:10:13.960 --> 0:10:17.800 to be independent and rely on themselves, like this is 0:10:17.920 --> 0:10:20.160 me to a t. You guys will know if you've 0:10:20.160 --> 0:10:22.160 been following along the podcast for a long time. I 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:24.320 often joke, and I've always thought it was a joke, 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:26.560 but maybe it's not. I often joke that I'm like 0:10:26.600 --> 0:10:29.840 emotionally void and that the bachelor will are told the 0:10:29.880 --> 0:10:32.240 producers will like warry your emotions, like. 0:10:32.280 --> 0:10:35.480 Why are you crying? Cry harder? I don't have feeling. 0:10:35.880 --> 0:10:38.400 I often joke that, and I've always said it to myself, 0:10:38.400 --> 0:10:40.520 like haha, I'm emotionally void. And then when I read 0:10:40.559 --> 0:10:45.120 this and it specifically states like these people largely are 0:10:45.160 --> 0:10:47.760 emotionally unavailable and I don't they can't feel that, I 0:10:47.800 --> 0:10:49.439 was like, oh my god, it's actually me. Then it 0:10:49.480 --> 0:10:51.640 says they prefer to be on their own and rely 0:10:51.800 --> 0:10:55.000 on themselves, totally me, and I just think that stems 0:10:55.040 --> 0:10:57.800 from obviously the toxic relationship that I did have. It 0:10:57.840 --> 0:11:01.160 definitely does not stem from my my family life because 0:11:01.160 --> 0:11:03.280 they've always had the support so for me. 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:05.679 And this is what can happen too. 0:11:05.760 --> 0:11:10.079 In the reverse, the way that you had a insecure 0:11:10.080 --> 0:11:12.160 feeling and you came through that now you're really great. 0:11:12.320 --> 0:11:14.960 I was the reverse, because that can happen. I was 0:11:15.160 --> 0:11:19.600 very very always very secure and happy and emotionally available 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:22.640 and obsessive with my relationships, Like when I fell in love, 0:11:22.760 --> 0:11:24.720 I was in love like I wanted to be with 0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:27.120 them every single day. Then I went through this really 0:11:27.200 --> 0:11:31.680 toxic few years with this crazy sociopath Episode three and. 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:32.400 All of that. 0:11:32.440 --> 0:11:34.840 Plug But if you haven't listened to episode three, it's 0:11:34.880 --> 0:11:38.360 by far both of our favorite episode. It's just Britney's 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:42.360 story about her dating sociopath that had to double like 0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:44.679 a double life is the most insane episode ever. 0:11:44.760 --> 0:11:45.920 So we recommend that. 0:11:45.960 --> 0:11:49.400 On every basically, but we we only say that for 0:11:49.440 --> 0:11:52.719 the newcomers or you ogs know that. But so then 0:11:52.800 --> 0:11:55.600 it put into reverse and it put me from being 0:11:55.720 --> 0:11:58.559 like really really really secure in this place where I 0:11:58.600 --> 0:11:59.920 was like, I don't want to rely on everyone again. 0:12:00.040 --> 0:12:02.240 I remember saying that to myself. I remember saying I 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:04.120 will not rely on a man again. And it's almost 0:12:04.120 --> 0:12:07.040 like I've driven myself to the extreme. So I need 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:10.080 to find a way to win that back a little bit. However, 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:12.240 I think it's important and just in your results there, 0:12:12.280 --> 0:12:15.600 like to keep perspective, like if you're still very high 0:12:15.600 --> 0:12:19.240 on the secure like percentage wise of these tests, but 0:12:19.360 --> 0:12:22.120 you do have like a twenty percent of something that 0:12:22.240 --> 0:12:24.760 is that is very manageable and that is a very 0:12:24.800 --> 0:12:27.960 like minimal percentage in comparison to your secure attachment. So 0:12:28.080 --> 0:12:31.079 overall you have the like, you have the ability and 0:12:31.120 --> 0:12:34.120 the sense to be able to see your relationship with 0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:38.800 a healthy perspective and create healthy attachments. We're always going 0:12:38.840 --> 0:12:41.000 to have some level of insecurity. We're always going to 0:12:41.040 --> 0:12:43.199 have some level of doubt or something in us that 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:45.839 prevents us from wanting to be hurt again if we've 0:12:45.840 --> 0:12:48.640 been through bad relationships, and I think you know, depending 0:12:48.720 --> 0:12:50.320 on where you're at in your life, if you've just 0:12:50.360 --> 0:12:53.560 come out of a really shit relationship, your scale and 0:12:53.559 --> 0:12:56.120 your percentages in this test is going to be completely 0:12:56.120 --> 0:12:57.760 different to if you feel like you're in a really 0:12:57.800 --> 0:13:00.840 stable at healthy relationship. So it's very dynamic depending on 0:13:00.880 --> 0:13:03.480 what's happening in your life. But it also shows that 0:13:03.559 --> 0:13:06.160 different things that happen in your life, like things that 0:13:06.200 --> 0:13:09.199 happen in your childhood or bad relationships that you go through, 0:13:09.520 --> 0:13:12.600 can be triggers to stop you from being able to 0:13:12.720 --> 0:13:15.720 commit to somebody or have a happy relationship further in life. 0:13:15.960 --> 0:13:17.480 I was just going through that because I thought it 0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:20.800 was really interesting. That is only twenty percent I am. 0:13:21.000 --> 0:13:22.880 I know that I'm secure now, and I know that 0:13:22.880 --> 0:13:24.920 when I have a relationship it'll be fine, and I 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:27.839 know there'll be no jealousy, there'll be no one and 0:13:27.880 --> 0:13:29.480 where they are, they'll be no easy going to leave 0:13:29.520 --> 0:13:31.800 me because I'm just beyond that now. You do get 0:13:31.840 --> 0:13:34.120 to a point where you like I think that's why 0:13:34.160 --> 0:13:35.840 I'm so picky because I just know that when I 0:13:35.840 --> 0:13:37.840 pick that person, I don't want to have to worry 0:13:37.880 --> 0:13:40.240 about it. So if I if I get spidey tingly 0:13:40.320 --> 0:13:43.160 senses when I'm dating someone that I'm going to feel 0:13:43.160 --> 0:13:44.640 in secure, I'm going to wonder where they are and 0:13:44.640 --> 0:13:46.080 who they're with, I just wouldn't pursue it. 0:13:46.920 --> 0:13:48.600 So what was your other one then, because there must 0:13:48.640 --> 0:13:50.479 be another in there. That's a small percentage. 0:13:50.640 --> 0:13:54.439 Yeah, so one one percentage down again was the anxious 0:13:54.480 --> 0:13:59.640 and anxious ambivalent, and then only eight percent was disorganized, 0:13:59.679 --> 0:14:00.520 which is interesting. 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:03.680 So I reckon. 0:14:03.720 --> 0:14:05.280 What we do is I reckon we unpack what each 0:14:05.320 --> 0:14:07.840 one actually means. So for anybody who's listening and they're like, 0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:09.920 holy shit, that's how I approach my relationship, you can 0:14:10.000 --> 0:14:12.360 kind of identify yourself before you even do the test. 0:14:12.840 --> 0:14:16.400 So secure attachment is the most predominant attachment. Basically, secure 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:19.840 attachment is like I'm fine, you're fine. Fifty five percent 0:14:19.880 --> 0:14:22.360 of the population have secure attachments, and that's a really 0:14:22.440 --> 0:14:25.800 healthy way of approaching your relationships. Basically, it means you 0:14:25.840 --> 0:14:28.640 are happy when you're together, you still feel safe when 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:31.040 you're independently apart, You don't have this fear that your 0:14:31.080 --> 0:14:33.280 partner's going to cheat on you. You're not worried about 0:14:33.280 --> 0:14:36.080 their whereabouts, you don't feel clinging, you don't feel obsessive. 0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:40.480 You just have a really healthy relationship and dynamic when 0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:44.320 you're together, and you both compliment and bring a really 0:14:44.360 --> 0:14:47.160 positive light to each other's life. But you're also very 0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:49.920 capable people independently of each other as well, and that's 0:14:49.960 --> 0:14:53.160 a very healthy and secure attachment. And the idea behind 0:14:53.200 --> 0:14:56.400 this attachment is that through your childhood, your parents have 0:14:56.440 --> 0:14:58.880 been there for you. They've been a constant in your life. 0:14:59.240 --> 0:15:00.800 They have provided how did you with the love and 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:04.480 affection when you've required it, and your basic needs to 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:09.360 be met, love, food, shelter, support, conversation, all of those 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:12.240 things have been attended to you, and you're able to 0:15:12.320 --> 0:15:15.080 have role models in your life. So you go, oh, 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:17.760 that's what a healthy relationship looks like. That's what a 0:15:17.800 --> 0:15:21.280 healthy love and romantic relationship looks like. That's what healthy 0:15:21.320 --> 0:15:24.880 friendships look like. So having these really strong role models 0:15:25.160 --> 0:15:27.760 help for you to be able to then form and 0:15:27.920 --> 0:15:31.440 have great relationships in your adult life. That's not to 0:15:31.480 --> 0:15:35.280 say that someone who is secure can't possibly get into 0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:37.080 a relationship that's toxic and bad. 0:15:37.480 --> 0:15:38.320 They absolutely can. 0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:40.600 We all can make bad choices and end up with 0:15:40.640 --> 0:15:43.720 people who are manipulative and bad for us. It just 0:15:43.760 --> 0:15:46.240 means that someone who is very secure in themselves is 0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:48.640 more likely to be able to walk away from it 0:15:48.680 --> 0:15:51.760 than somebody who is, say like an anxiously attached person, 0:15:51.840 --> 0:15:54.800 who might stay for a lot longer and cop a 0:15:54.800 --> 0:15:58.240 lot more abuse because they don't feel worthy of something 0:15:58.280 --> 0:15:58.760 better than that. 0:16:00.560 --> 0:16:02.200 That was a lot. Basically, it's just where you want 0:16:02.200 --> 0:16:02.360 to be. 0:16:03.280 --> 0:16:06.280 Basically, secure is the swift spar that's all we're all 0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:08.440 gain and forced secure is where you want to fight for. 0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:10.080 So if you do feel like one of if you 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:12.240 do the quiz and you do have a lot of 0:16:12.360 --> 0:16:14.720 larger percentage of one of these other attachment styles, it's 0:16:14.720 --> 0:16:16.280 not the end of the world. You can change it 0:16:16.320 --> 0:16:18.120 and you can work towards it. Again, we'll get into 0:16:18.120 --> 0:16:20.840 that later, but I'm going to jump into attachment style too, 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:24.480 and that is the anxious preoccupied attachment, which is like 0:16:24.560 --> 0:16:28.600 the I'm not fine, but you're fine. It's basically this 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:31.600 attachment style that's marked and the basis of it is. 0:16:31.560 --> 0:16:32.960 This fear of abandonment. 0:16:33.240 --> 0:16:36.880 So they say that that's coming back from when you're 0:16:36.920 --> 0:16:39.120 a child, because that's I want you guys to remember, 0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:42.440 this is all based off the first two years of 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:45.000 your life. This is where this stems from the way 0:16:45.480 --> 0:16:49.480 you were treated, the way you're made to feel, your environment. 0:16:49.640 --> 0:16:52.760 They really do believe that this is all started in 0:16:52.800 --> 0:16:54.840 those first two years of life, which is crazy, and 0:16:54.880 --> 0:16:56.880 that's a whole nother conversation because it makes you be like, 0:16:56.920 --> 0:16:58.080 what do I do with my kid? 0:16:58.320 --> 0:16:59.000 Oh my god? 0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:00.720 I know this was something Alice that Britta and I 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:02.320 were talking about in relation to this. I was like, 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:05.159 holy shit, the pressure that there is to raise a 0:17:05.240 --> 0:17:09.439 well rounded and like normal kid that feels like they loved. 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:11.280 I was like, fuck, I don't know if I'm doing 0:17:11.280 --> 0:17:11.840 a good job. 0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:13.440 You're doing a good job. I don't know. 0:17:13.720 --> 0:17:15.959 What if she's super dysfunctional when she grows up, if 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:18.440 she cries for like one second, you're like, I'm here money. 0:17:18.880 --> 0:17:21.120 What if she turns into a narcissist because I'm too attentive. 0:17:21.240 --> 0:17:24.200 I just don't know. It's a fine line. 0:17:24.400 --> 0:17:29.240 But this this anxious relationship you feel like and you're 0:17:29.240 --> 0:17:32.040 always worried that your partner's gonna leave you. These sorts 0:17:32.040 --> 0:17:35.000 of people are always really hungry for validation and they 0:17:35.040 --> 0:17:38.760 get anxious very easily, like why hasn't my partner takets 0:17:38.760 --> 0:17:41.280 me back yet? You know, it's been five minutes. Has 0:17:41.280 --> 0:17:43.640 something happened to my partner? Is he with someone else? 0:17:43.720 --> 0:17:48.160 There's this really really constant, deep seated issue of this 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:50.560 isn't right, They're gonna leave me, and you live in 0:17:50.600 --> 0:17:52.960 this state of anxiety, which is awful for anyone that's 0:17:52.960 --> 0:17:55.800 ever felt any level of anxiety. No one wants to 0:17:55.800 --> 0:17:57.880 be in that place. So this is sort of where 0:17:57.880 --> 0:18:01.359 that stems from. And it never really ends well because 0:18:01.560 --> 0:18:05.040 partners can often get defensive. It can be quite suffocating 0:18:05.040 --> 0:18:07.480 in a relationship, and it's just it's really really not 0:18:07.520 --> 0:18:09.560 a healthy place to be. Yeah, twenty percent of people 0:18:09.600 --> 0:18:11.680 have this style of attachment. And Laura, you said that 0:18:11.760 --> 0:18:14.920 you actually were pretty big on this style of attachment from. 0:18:14.960 --> 0:18:16.680 Things in your past. 0:18:17.280 --> 0:18:20.040 How do you feel like you recognize that at the 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:21.960 time or is it just something that you look like 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:23.600 did you know at the time that you were living 0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:25.840 in a state of anxiety? Could you recognize and be like, 0:18:25.880 --> 0:18:27.840 why am I always anxious? Or is it something that 0:18:27.880 --> 0:18:29.600 you look back on now that you're in this healthy, 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:32.919 secure relationship. Do you look back and be like, I 0:18:32.960 --> 0:18:35.080 only know how fucked up I was then because of 0:18:35.119 --> 0:18:36.320 how good I feel now? 0:18:36.880 --> 0:18:40.600 Good question, Brittany, do you know what I find this 0:18:40.680 --> 0:18:44.040 so interesting because and I just want to like make 0:18:44.359 --> 0:18:48.399 this point really clear, regardless of what your attachment style is, 0:18:48.440 --> 0:18:51.040 there is no blame in this. Like, you know, there's 0:18:51.040 --> 0:18:53.480 no blame on you for the way that you deal 0:18:53.520 --> 0:18:56.320 with relationships, and there's definitely no blame on your parents. 0:18:56.440 --> 0:18:59.920 That's not what we're doing here. I have I don't 0:19:00.080 --> 0:19:02.679 talk very openly about my childhood. I had a pretty 0:19:03.560 --> 0:19:05.800 you know, a lot of it was great, a lot. 0:19:05.680 --> 0:19:06.320 Of it wasn't. 0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:10.359 And my mom and my dad divorce when I was 0:19:10.400 --> 0:19:13.600 really young, and my dad moved away. So I think, 0:19:14.040 --> 0:19:16.480 just just from that and that of itself, without like 0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:19.320 going into any of the other details surrounding my upbringing, 0:19:20.400 --> 0:19:22.359 I think when you're a product of divorce, there is 0:19:22.400 --> 0:19:25.520 this feeling of abandonment and without without it being an 0:19:25.560 --> 0:19:28.600 intentional thing. But even if your parents are telling you 0:19:28.640 --> 0:19:30.399 that they love you, the fact that they've chosen to 0:19:30.440 --> 0:19:33.000 move away and move far away and that they're not 0:19:33.040 --> 0:19:33.840 physically there. 0:19:34.240 --> 0:19:34.880 The words of. 0:19:34.800 --> 0:19:36.800 I love you don't really match up with the actions 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:39.600 of I'm not physically here, So there is that feeling 0:19:39.600 --> 0:19:42.199 of abandonment that comes from that, and then you know, 0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:44.800 moving on from that, My mom was a single mom, 0:19:44.880 --> 0:19:49.359 she had two kids, she started dating again, and I 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:52.200 like when she got remarried to her second husband, he 0:19:52.240 --> 0:19:54.720 was not a great guy by any means, and it 0:19:54.760 --> 0:19:58.399 was a really turbulent time in our childhood. And I 0:19:58.440 --> 0:20:01.560 guess that there was this inco insistency. And that's the 0:20:01.640 --> 0:20:04.719 thing about this whole anxious attachment style is like, if 0:20:04.800 --> 0:20:07.560 you feel like there's an inconsistent love in your upbringing 0:20:07.600 --> 0:20:10.320 as a child, then that's what can make you feel 0:20:10.320 --> 0:20:13.000 as an adult that you're anxious in your relationships because 0:20:13.440 --> 0:20:16.000 you just don't know, you don't know, like you don't 0:20:16.000 --> 0:20:20.639 know where it's coming from. You genuinely constantly feel in 0:20:20.680 --> 0:20:23.439 this state of like, maybe they're going to leave me, 0:20:23.680 --> 0:20:26.480 maybe I'm not good enough, maybe my feelings aren't valid, 0:20:26.560 --> 0:20:29.280 And there's this fear that's attached to abandonment. And I 0:20:29.359 --> 0:20:32.760 really like look back on my relationships now and I go, oh, wow, 0:20:32.880 --> 0:20:35.720 Like that's what that was like, I can identify that 0:20:35.760 --> 0:20:39.760 in myself, and I also identify a lot of like 0:20:38.840 --> 0:20:42.040 my like my mom's behavior in what I was doing 0:20:42.080 --> 0:20:45.080 as well, Like I really mirrored my mom's dating life 0:20:45.240 --> 0:20:48.280 myself because she didn't want to be alone and I 0:20:48.280 --> 0:20:50.320 didn't want to be alone. And I realized that I 0:20:50.359 --> 0:20:52.639 was trying to get my purpose from being in a relationship, 0:20:52.680 --> 0:20:55.119 like I was always in a relationship with someone. But 0:20:55.240 --> 0:20:57.520 also like on that, like my relationship with my mom 0:20:57.760 --> 0:21:00.439 is great, now my relationship with my dad is like. 0:21:00.800 --> 0:21:03.399 We both have very adult, very mature relationships. And I 0:21:03.440 --> 0:21:05.760 know they love me, I know that they support me. 0:21:06.560 --> 0:21:09.040 I just think as a child, there were times where 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:10.720 I didn't get the love or the support that I 0:21:10.760 --> 0:21:13.040 felt like I needed at the time. So it was 0:21:13.080 --> 0:21:15.199 a bit mismatched. And it wasn't a reflection of not 0:21:15.240 --> 0:21:17.600 being loved by my parents. It was a reflection of 0:21:17.640 --> 0:21:21.800 them going through some really really challenging trauma themselves and 0:21:21.880 --> 0:21:23.199 also trying to deal with the fact that they had 0:21:23.280 --> 0:21:25.720 children that they were trying to raise. So you know, 0:21:25.880 --> 0:21:27.600 this is not a blame thing. This is just the 0:21:27.640 --> 0:21:30.520 reality of the world and the reality of relationships. And 0:21:31.240 --> 0:21:33.800 I guess As I've gotten older, I've looked at the 0:21:33.840 --> 0:21:36.080 relationships that I had in the past and what I 0:21:36.119 --> 0:21:38.480 want and don't want for myself, and I was just 0:21:38.600 --> 0:21:41.240 really lucky. And there's a big portion of luck that's 0:21:41.280 --> 0:21:43.080 come into this, the fact that I met Matt and 0:21:43.119 --> 0:21:46.359 he is completely different to everyone who I've dated before. 0:21:46.720 --> 0:21:48.919 He's a very secure personality type. 0:21:49.200 --> 0:21:53.240 He's always been incredibly reassuring, and over the three years 0:21:53.280 --> 0:21:55.879 that we've been together, he has molded me into a 0:21:55.920 --> 0:22:01.320 secure attachment because he's just so fucking normal it's annoying, yea, 0:22:01.960 --> 0:22:03.639 And so that's changed, you know, Like I used to 0:22:03.720 --> 0:22:06.879 date guys that were emotionally unavailable, so something that's actually 0:22:06.920 --> 0:22:10.000 really common, which you would think, how could this work? 0:22:10.080 --> 0:22:13.679 But people who have an anxious attachment type often end 0:22:13.760 --> 0:22:16.920 up dating people who are dismissive avoidant, which are guys 0:22:16.960 --> 0:22:21.719 who are totally emotionally unattached, emotionally unavailable, don't really need you, 0:22:21.800 --> 0:22:24.080 don't really want you, and make you feel unloved because 0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:26.639 there's this feeling of like, I want more, and you 0:22:26.760 --> 0:22:30.160 keep going back for more. Whereas someone who is secure 0:22:30.280 --> 0:22:33.040 and like has a very healthy attachment style wouldn't put 0:22:33.080 --> 0:22:35.399 up with that shit. Only someone who's anxious would actually 0:22:35.440 --> 0:22:37.680 put up with that shit. So it's almost like two 0:22:37.720 --> 0:22:42.000 opposites attract, and two bad characteristics often become moths to 0:22:42.000 --> 0:22:43.480 a flame in that sort of situation. 0:22:43.760 --> 0:22:48.960 Yeah, I think like, wow, wow, Like that was a 0:22:48.960 --> 0:22:51.359 lot there, And I mean I know a lot about 0:22:51.440 --> 0:22:55.600 you and your history and everything, and it's I don't know. 0:22:55.640 --> 0:22:57.280 I just think you shared a new little part there, 0:22:57.280 --> 0:23:01.120 which is great. But it's funny to see. Like you said, 0:23:01.160 --> 0:23:03.520 I found that really interesting when you said, you know, 0:23:03.520 --> 0:23:05.000 my mum was dating a lot because she didn't want 0:23:05.040 --> 0:23:06.399 to be alone, and then so I was dating a 0:23:06.400 --> 0:23:07.800 lot because I didn't want to be alone. I don't 0:23:07.800 --> 0:23:11.719 think we realized until we're older how much we mimic 0:23:12.080 --> 0:23:13.520 those people that are in our lives. 0:23:13.880 --> 0:23:17.120 Yeah, and good characteristics and bad characteristics. Like when your 0:23:17.160 --> 0:23:21.040 main role model for relationships, that's your main model for relationships, 0:23:21.040 --> 0:23:23.639 that's your normal. Like that's of course what you're going 0:23:23.680 --> 0:23:25.399 to end up doing yourself as you get older. 0:23:25.840 --> 0:23:28.160 I think when I look when I think about how 0:23:28.200 --> 0:23:31.119 I was dating afterwards, I was only dating after my relationship. 0:23:31.160 --> 0:23:34.080 I was only dating people that, like you had just mentioned, 0:23:34.880 --> 0:23:38.000 they would tell me, Hey, Like I'm emotionally unavailable, I'm 0:23:38.040 --> 0:23:41.040 not physically available, Like I don't want a relationship. I 0:23:41.040 --> 0:23:43.239 don't want a relationship and I they're the people that 0:23:43.280 --> 0:23:45.120 I would invest my time in, and I was doing 0:23:45.200 --> 0:23:47.600 it because deep down I didn't want it either, and 0:23:47.680 --> 0:23:50.520 I was too scared to actually form any sort of 0:23:50.560 --> 0:23:52.840 relationship with anyone. So as soon as song was like, hey, 0:23:52.880 --> 0:23:54.760 heads up, I don't actually want anything, I was like, 0:23:54.920 --> 0:23:57.840 brilliant when really, deep down I wanted it, but I 0:23:57.920 --> 0:24:00.399 was too scared in case someone was gonna leave me. 0:24:00.440 --> 0:24:03.240 So I did have that form for probably around a 0:24:03.320 --> 0:24:04.600 year or two or ten. 0:24:05.200 --> 0:24:06.359 Nine year or two I had that. 0:24:07.800 --> 0:24:09.560 But there's a real theory to things, and I think 0:24:09.600 --> 0:24:12.480 it's so interesting when we start to unpack like who 0:24:12.520 --> 0:24:14.560 we are as people and why we make the decisions 0:24:14.600 --> 0:24:16.240 that we make, and why we choose the type of 0:24:16.240 --> 0:24:17.199 guys that we choose. 0:24:17.600 --> 0:24:19.840 Like there's there's a pattern. 0:24:19.560 --> 0:24:21.800 To this, and so much of it comes from like 0:24:21.920 --> 0:24:24.600 our personality and who we are and what we've been 0:24:24.640 --> 0:24:27.680 through in our lives, what we've been exposed to and like, 0:24:27.680 --> 0:24:29.679 like I just mentioned earlier as well, but you know, 0:24:29.760 --> 0:24:33.040 if you do find yourself constantly being attracted to people 0:24:33.080 --> 0:24:34.960 who are bad for you, or you're not feeling satisfied 0:24:34.960 --> 0:24:37.120 in your relationships, or you don't ever feel like you're 0:24:37.119 --> 0:24:40.600 in a healthy relationship. Like going to therapy and not 0:24:40.640 --> 0:24:43.280 going to therapy because you need to talk about the relationships, 0:24:43.280 --> 0:24:45.600 but going to therapy to better understand who you are 0:24:45.640 --> 0:24:47.919 as a person and why you have these needs and 0:24:47.960 --> 0:24:51.560 these wants and these insecurities or these these I'm not 0:24:51.560 --> 0:24:54.920 gonna call them shortcomings, but like these feelings of inadequacy, 0:24:55.880 --> 0:24:58.120 you can unpack that better understand who you are as 0:24:58.119 --> 0:25:00.520 a person, and then that allows you to make better 0:25:00.520 --> 0:25:03.160 decisions in your relationships and find people who are healthy, 0:25:03.440 --> 0:25:05.840 and find people who are you know, not going to 0:25:05.880 --> 0:25:08.800 fucking play into your trauma. And they are out there somewhere. 0:25:08.800 --> 0:25:11.159 They're out there. You know they're hard to find, but 0:25:11.200 --> 0:25:11.800 they're out there. 0:25:13.359 --> 0:25:15.560 The third one, which I spoke about before because it 0:25:15.560 --> 0:25:18.359 was me, was the dismissive avoidant attachment. So that's the 0:25:18.400 --> 0:25:21.119 I'm fine and you have issues. Twenty percent of people. 0:25:21.400 --> 0:25:24.720 It's literally just where you're scared of intimacy, you're afraid 0:25:24.760 --> 0:25:26.560 to get close to anyone, you don't want trust anyone, 0:25:26.600 --> 0:25:29.200 you only want to rely on yourself. You're very independent, 0:25:30.400 --> 0:25:33.680 you're basically emotionally unavailable, and you're attracted to people that 0:25:33.720 --> 0:25:36.480 are emotionally unavailable. So that's that one. We've spoken about 0:25:36.480 --> 0:25:36.880 that a lot. 0:25:37.000 --> 0:25:37.480 That was me. 0:25:38.200 --> 0:25:41.520 The reason why people may have created a dismissive personality 0:25:41.520 --> 0:25:45.120 type is because they and they totally dismiss their feelings 0:25:45.119 --> 0:25:47.440 and they they what they do is they sometimes can't 0:25:47.440 --> 0:25:50.800 even understand why people feel so much. They are the 0:25:50.840 --> 0:25:53.840 type of person that, yeah, Britney sitting and pissing herself. 0:25:54.160 --> 0:25:55.440 They're the type of person. 0:25:55.160 --> 0:25:58.520 Where when you go to them and you are upset 0:25:58.520 --> 0:26:00.199 about something in your relationship and you're like, I need 0:26:00.280 --> 0:26:02.560 to talk about this, they don't want to talk about it. 0:26:02.560 --> 0:26:06.800 They make jokes to downplay your feelings, or they are 0:26:06.960 --> 0:26:10.520 just so avoidant of conflict because they can't actually understand 0:26:10.600 --> 0:26:13.119 or comprehend that you could feel so much about something. 0:26:13.320 --> 0:26:17.040 They trivialize and downplay things well. And the reason for 0:26:17.080 --> 0:26:20.000 that and the attachment to that as a childhood attachment 0:26:20.440 --> 0:26:24.400 is coming from a family or having parental caregivers who 0:26:24.480 --> 0:26:29.280 don't attend to your needs. Basically, maybe when you're one, two, 0:26:29.400 --> 0:26:33.440 three year old you are emotionally upset about something. 0:26:33.480 --> 0:26:34.120 You're crying. 0:26:34.520 --> 0:26:36.800 You need to be cuddled and need to be loved 0:26:36.840 --> 0:26:38.760 and need to be given affection, need to be told 0:26:38.840 --> 0:26:39.800 I love you. 0:26:39.800 --> 0:26:40.960 You're not having that met. 0:26:41.000 --> 0:26:44.200 Maybe all of your food, your dietary requirements, your your house, 0:26:44.280 --> 0:26:46.720 like all of the other functional things are being met, 0:26:46.920 --> 0:26:50.240 but your emotional needs aren't being met. And without feeling 0:26:50.280 --> 0:26:53.000 like love and connection you as a child, that can 0:26:53.040 --> 0:26:55.560 be very, very traumatic. And what happens is that over 0:26:55.640 --> 0:26:57.879 time you start to downplay your own feelings. 0:26:58.240 --> 0:26:59.960 You don't play into them, you don't. 0:26:59.760 --> 0:27:02.680 Allow them to actually be real, and so over time 0:27:02.720 --> 0:27:08.399 you've created this defense mechanism to downplay feelings and like 0:27:08.640 --> 0:27:13.520 not value their importance, if that makes sense real. 0:27:14.240 --> 0:27:17.399 I was like, I know what I'm saying, but deep 0:27:17.800 --> 0:27:21.720 it's just I'm laughing because even when I'm reading this 0:27:21.760 --> 0:27:23.760 now i'm looking at it on the screen and listening 0:27:23.800 --> 0:27:26.159 to you talk about it, I've just never felt so 0:27:26.320 --> 0:27:29.400 seen then this attachment style. Like when I was reading it, 0:27:29.720 --> 0:27:32.359 I've just never categorized myself so much. I've always just 0:27:32.400 --> 0:27:34.639 thought I was a bit different with my emotions. And 0:27:34.640 --> 0:27:36.320 when I saw it on paper, I was like it's 0:27:36.359 --> 0:27:38.240 actually a thing, and I'm actually that thing. 0:27:38.280 --> 0:27:39.760 I'm actually that thing in that box. 0:27:40.600 --> 0:27:43.440 There's this one statement that they put in this type 0:27:43.440 --> 0:27:47.640 of type of style to explain it. They often make 0:27:47.720 --> 0:27:50.919 jokes to avoid difficult conversations and feel anxious and trapped 0:27:50.920 --> 0:27:54.560 when a partner expresses feelings. Now, this could not be 0:27:54.680 --> 0:27:57.920 more accurate. I always have said, and I always do. 0:27:58.359 --> 0:28:02.120 My Bachelor finale is like estimate to this. When I'm 0:28:02.240 --> 0:28:06.080 uncomfortable or upset or feeling heightened emotions, I laugh and 0:28:06.119 --> 0:28:06.560 I joke. 0:28:06.680 --> 0:28:11.840 And even when Nick was like, it's not you, you. 0:28:10.280 --> 0:28:13.959 Just laughing, I'm laughing out. I laugh and I make 0:28:14.080 --> 0:28:15.679 jokes about it. And if you can look back at 0:28:15.680 --> 0:28:17.600 any interview or anything I've done, or even you guys 0:28:17.640 --> 0:28:19.439 know me on the podcast, like as soon as it 0:28:19.440 --> 0:28:22.560 gets two deep by like make a lull. But when 0:28:22.600 --> 0:28:24.879 I remember when I went and delivered this news to 0:28:24.920 --> 0:28:27.240 Sophie on my Bachelor finale, it was all very big. 0:28:27.880 --> 0:28:31.320 She was bawling her eyes out, and I was in hysterics. 0:28:32.000 --> 0:28:34.879 I couldn't stop laughing, and in my inside of me, 0:28:35.680 --> 0:28:40.480 I was like, stop laughing because people think you're nuts. 0:28:40.520 --> 0:28:41.360 Like, people don't get it. 0:28:41.400 --> 0:28:44.080 But that's how I deal with my heightened emotions and 0:28:44.080 --> 0:28:46.880 when I'm upset, like it was a cry laughing, I 0:28:46.920 --> 0:28:49.760 was crying because I was emotional, But I always. 0:28:49.320 --> 0:28:51.760 Try and make light of a situation and like, but. 0:28:51.760 --> 0:28:53.440 I think so many people will relate to this, like 0:28:53.480 --> 0:28:56.040 humor really is a coping mechanism for so many people. 0:28:56.120 --> 0:28:59.360 It's a way that we are able to not look 0:28:59.440 --> 0:29:02.880 like we're vulner especially women, like women, a lot of women. 0:29:03.120 --> 0:29:05.240 And I'm guilty of this as well. I don't want 0:29:05.280 --> 0:29:06.160 to be vulnerable. 0:29:06.200 --> 0:29:08.240 I don't want to seem like I'm weak or that 0:29:08.280 --> 0:29:10.800 I need someone to help me or fix me. And 0:29:11.080 --> 0:29:13.160 it actually took me a really long time to realize 0:29:13.200 --> 0:29:14.840 that there is power and vulnerability. 0:29:15.160 --> 0:29:16.760 And I used to be the person as well. 0:29:16.640 --> 0:29:18.520 That made a lot of jokes whenever I was upset 0:29:18.520 --> 0:29:22.120 about something because I wanted to be fine all the time. 0:29:22.320 --> 0:29:24.840 Everything's fine. I'm the queen of using that word. 0:29:25.000 --> 0:29:27.840 I'm fine, you're fine, we're fine, everything's fucking fine, to 0:29:27.880 --> 0:29:30.440 the point where some of my friends have genuinely banned 0:29:30.480 --> 0:29:32.840 me using the word fine because it's okay to not 0:29:32.840 --> 0:29:37.200 be fine. Struggle you actually you still say you say, oh, 0:29:37.400 --> 0:29:39.760 so fine, babe, so fine, you say all the time fine, 0:29:39.840 --> 0:29:41.600 and I was like, you're crying in the corner, naked, 0:29:41.640 --> 0:29:44.560 You're not fine. That was one time, Renie we said 0:29:44.560 --> 0:29:46.560 we never talked about in the podcast. It's not fine, 0:29:48.200 --> 0:29:51.080 but totally like humor is a Coby mechanism. Humor is 0:29:51.080 --> 0:29:54.480 something that we used to deflect our emotions, and that's okay, 0:29:54.520 --> 0:29:56.880 there's nothing wrong with doing that, but it can be 0:29:56.960 --> 0:29:59.360 healthy to actually unpack what those feelings are and sit 0:29:59.400 --> 0:30:01.360 in feelings of well because, like I said, there is 0:30:01.400 --> 0:30:04.560 real power and vulnerability. And when you are the person 0:30:04.600 --> 0:30:07.000 who is always fine, and you're the person who's always 0:30:07.000 --> 0:30:09.920 making jokes, you become the person who never gets help 0:30:10.240 --> 0:30:12.920 because people don't want to reach out and help someone 0:30:12.960 --> 0:30:16.320 who seems like they're always fine, they're always strong. And 0:30:16.320 --> 0:30:19.480 that's why it's really important to ask your friend who 0:30:19.520 --> 0:30:21.760 seems like the one who's always got the shit together 0:30:21.800 --> 0:30:24.880 and is always okay with every situation, if they're actually okay. 0:30:25.120 --> 0:30:27.560 They probably aren't. Sometimes they may be naked in the 0:30:27.600 --> 0:30:30.960 corner and crying. It's funny. I've come a long way now. 0:30:31.040 --> 0:30:33.920 I never ever ever told anyone I wasn't fine and 0:30:33.960 --> 0:30:36.520 I never cried to anyone, But now I've got a 0:30:36.520 --> 0:30:39.680 small group of people laws one of them that I'll 0:30:39.720 --> 0:30:41.360 just have my cry break down on the phone and 0:30:41.360 --> 0:30:44.120 I'll be like, I'm not okay. And it's been so 0:30:44.160 --> 0:30:45.880 helpful for me to have that group of people to 0:30:45.960 --> 0:30:49.000 do that too, and it's I think it's finally letting 0:30:49.480 --> 0:30:51.239 me move in the right direction. So I think this 0:30:51.280 --> 0:30:54.640 is a really big thing, is to acknowledge that you're 0:30:54.680 --> 0:30:56.800 one of these things, that you're one of these styles, 0:30:56.880 --> 0:30:58.760 or that you have principles of one of these styles. 0:30:58.800 --> 0:31:02.120 Just to acknowledge that have a thing about it and 0:31:02.120 --> 0:31:04.840 and work towards getting out of that. So I think 0:31:04.880 --> 0:31:07.920 that's I've like, it's been a really big thing for 0:31:07.960 --> 0:31:10.360 me to be vulnerable, but I am, And that's I 0:31:10.360 --> 0:31:11.440 don't know, it's great. 0:31:11.440 --> 0:31:12.920 Oh bloody great, No it is. 0:31:12.960 --> 0:31:14.560 But even when you and I are crying on the 0:31:14.560 --> 0:31:17.600 phone sometimes, like we both do it, we'll be upset 0:31:17.640 --> 0:31:20.880 about something, but then we'll still be making jokes, like 0:31:21.040 --> 0:31:23.680 even in our deepest like in our tears, and then 0:31:23.680 --> 0:31:25.720 we're cracking up, but then we're still really sad, but like. 0:31:25.680 --> 0:31:29.320 We can't just be sad. It's ridiculous. 0:31:29.480 --> 0:31:31.440 But I guess like that also comes you know, when 0:31:31.440 --> 0:31:33.880 you're a really independent person, when you felt like you 0:31:33.920 --> 0:31:36.840 need to be the pillar of strength for yourself because 0:31:36.880 --> 0:31:38.400 you're like, well, no one else is going to do it. 0:31:39.400 --> 0:31:40.800 Like that's that's the outcome of it. 0:31:40.840 --> 0:31:42.960 And like we've said at the beginning of this, there's 0:31:43.000 --> 0:31:45.320 no right or wrong, there's no there's no bad way 0:31:45.360 --> 0:31:48.680 of being. You haven't done anything wrong. You're not broken, 0:31:48.800 --> 0:31:51.880 you're not deficient, you don't have issues just because you're 0:31:52.040 --> 0:31:54.600 you're not sitting in a secure attachment style, just because 0:31:54.600 --> 0:31:57.240 you have traits of all these other things. Like we've 0:31:57.320 --> 0:31:59.960 all been through some shit in our lives that's effect 0:32:00.240 --> 0:32:02.880 us in different ways. That's made us skeptical of relationships, 0:32:02.880 --> 0:32:06.040 that's pushed us and pushed our boundaries. But it's really 0:32:06.120 --> 0:32:09.120 healthy to understand what those things are so that you 0:32:09.160 --> 0:32:12.320 can work towards becoming a secure attachment type. That's all 0:32:12.360 --> 0:32:15.600 this is. It's not about shaming anyone for sitting in 0:32:15.600 --> 0:32:17.800 a category or struggling with their emotions. And I know 0:32:17.840 --> 0:32:19.360 there's going to be loads of people who are listening 0:32:19.360 --> 0:32:22.120 to this episode who are like, oh, like, I'm totally fine. 0:32:22.200 --> 0:32:24.360 I have a totally normal attachment style. I had a 0:32:24.400 --> 0:32:27.480 totally normal upbringing, and that's amazing. Like, there are people 0:32:27.520 --> 0:32:30.480 out there who have been super fortunate. There are people 0:32:30.480 --> 0:32:32.160 who have really fucked up childhoods. There are people who 0:32:32.160 --> 0:32:34.560 have really fucked up relationships, like you, Britt, like you 0:32:34.560 --> 0:32:36.719 know you are, Like, well, my childhood was great, but 0:32:36.760 --> 0:32:42.000 my first real relationship was so chaos, yeah, so messed 0:32:42.080 --> 0:32:45.600 up that it then totally rewired my ability to trust 0:32:45.680 --> 0:32:48.440 or to feel love again. That's why I find this 0:32:48.520 --> 0:32:50.840 so interesting and so important because it allows you to 0:32:50.880 --> 0:32:53.680 identify what's happening in your life and make changes to 0:32:53.720 --> 0:32:54.560 have a better life. 0:32:55.080 --> 0:32:57.320 That was fucking deep. That was deep. We're about to 0:32:57.320 --> 0:33:00.760 get deeper, all right, give me the last one. Number four. 0:33:01.080 --> 0:33:04.920 It's fearful avoidant attachment. Now, this is like I'm fucked. 0:33:04.960 --> 0:33:07.080 You're fucked, We're fucked. It's fucked. Everything's fucked. 0:33:07.080 --> 0:33:11.040 When the flaws on fire and flaws on fire. But 0:33:11.120 --> 0:33:13.160 this is also really important to know that this is 0:33:13.200 --> 0:33:14.240 the absolute minority. 0:33:14.240 --> 0:33:16.880 There's five percent of people. Four percent. There we go, 0:33:16.920 --> 0:33:17.280 this is. 0:33:17.240 --> 0:33:19.520 Four percent of people who actually had this as their 0:33:19.520 --> 0:33:22.720 predominant attachment style. And this is like this is some 0:33:22.800 --> 0:33:25.320 serious trauma shit. This is like you have had an 0:33:25.360 --> 0:33:29.520 extremely traumatic childhood and it takes years of therapy. There's 0:33:29.560 --> 0:33:32.640 also often substance abuse or abuse of other kinds that 0:33:32.680 --> 0:33:34.240 are involved in this attachment style. 0:33:34.360 --> 0:33:37.000 So this is very rare, but it's very real. It's 0:33:37.040 --> 0:33:39.360 a really hard one for these people that are in 0:33:39.400 --> 0:33:43.560 this style because they're in this like constant conflict of 0:33:43.600 --> 0:33:45.840 what they want to need. They really really want to 0:33:45.880 --> 0:33:48.920 avoid relationships and are scared of it. But on the 0:33:48.960 --> 0:33:51.440 other sense, they're craving it and they want it and 0:33:51.960 --> 0:33:54.800 they don't want love, but they really really don't want 0:33:54.800 --> 0:33:58.240 to be alone too, so they don't there's no balance 0:33:58.280 --> 0:33:58.600 for them. 0:33:58.720 --> 0:34:00.840 And I can't imagine. 0:34:00.360 --> 0:34:03.040 This fight and storm that they would have in their 0:34:03.080 --> 0:34:05.920 mind because all they want is this need to be 0:34:06.000 --> 0:34:07.920 loved and secure, but they're so scared of it that 0:34:07.960 --> 0:34:09.719 they could think of nothing worse at the same time, Like, 0:34:11.360 --> 0:34:12.719 what do you do in that situation? 0:34:12.840 --> 0:34:14.000 I think this is when it's. 0:34:13.840 --> 0:34:17.520 Really really important to go and seek help, go and 0:34:17.520 --> 0:34:18.320 see a professional. 0:34:18.600 --> 0:34:20.279 I don't think that sort of attachment style is something 0:34:20.320 --> 0:34:21.960 you can really work through on your own. I think 0:34:22.000 --> 0:34:25.120 if if the trauma is that deep, seated and like 0:34:25.320 --> 0:34:27.680 you want to feel loved, but you're so fearful of 0:34:27.680 --> 0:34:29.720 being loved that you lash out and push people away. 0:34:30.040 --> 0:34:32.000 Like that's when you have to go do some heavy 0:34:32.000 --> 0:34:34.319 lifting with a therapist. There's lots of stuff to unpack there, 0:34:34.320 --> 0:34:36.239 and there's lots of things about yourself and about your 0:34:36.280 --> 0:34:37.680 relationships that you have to talk through. 0:34:38.280 --> 0:34:41.080 And like we said earlier, you can change your attachment style, 0:34:41.840 --> 0:34:44.040 you just have to a recognize it. So do the quiz. 0:34:44.040 --> 0:34:45.160 There are so many different quizzes. 0:34:45.160 --> 0:34:47.040 There are ones that have like two hundred questions that 0:34:47.080 --> 0:34:49.080 are deep and they go into every aspect of your life, 0:34:49.160 --> 0:34:50.640 and then there are some that are like fifty questions. 0:34:50.680 --> 0:34:52.400 There are some that are twenty five questions. 0:34:52.440 --> 0:34:53.920 We're going to put two of them in the details 0:34:53.960 --> 0:34:56.640 of this podcast anyway, So we both did a couple 0:34:56.719 --> 0:34:59.000 of them. One of them I found really great because 0:34:59.000 --> 0:35:01.480 it's like a very intense questionnaire that you can do. 0:35:01.800 --> 0:35:03.279 One of them is a little bit more top level, 0:35:03.320 --> 0:35:05.080 So we'll put them both in that way you can choose. 0:35:05.080 --> 0:35:07.800 But I also think like during this time of twenty 0:35:07.840 --> 0:35:12.040 twenty crazy COVID, this has been a real amplifier for relationships. 0:35:12.120 --> 0:35:14.920 You know, this period of being in lockdown with your partner, 0:35:14.960 --> 0:35:17.359 this period of like working from home, spending all your. 0:35:17.239 --> 0:35:18.120 Fucking hand together. 0:35:18.680 --> 0:35:22.160 This is really really put the microscope in a lot 0:35:22.160 --> 0:35:24.920 of relationships, and for some of them it's galvanized. It's 0:35:24.960 --> 0:35:28.080 major relationships even better, it's made you absolutely certain that 0:35:28.160 --> 0:35:30.919 you are with and supported by the person you love. 0:35:31.239 --> 0:35:35.279 And then for other people it has really amplified the 0:35:35.360 --> 0:35:38.759 flaws and made you go, holy shit, like this, we've 0:35:38.760 --> 0:35:40.399 got some problems here, We've got some stuff we need 0:35:40.400 --> 0:35:44.759 to work on. So do this attachment theory questionnaire and 0:35:45.200 --> 0:35:48.279 have these open conversations with your partner along with during 0:35:48.280 --> 0:35:50.279 the love languages is one as well from a few 0:35:50.320 --> 0:35:51.959 episodgo because that is bloody good. 0:35:52.160 --> 0:35:52.440 Yeah. 0:35:52.480 --> 0:35:57.200 So, just to summarize what therapists and psychologists do say 0:35:57.239 --> 0:35:59.160 to do if you do want to try and change 0:35:59.160 --> 0:35:59.959 your attachment style. 0:36:00.560 --> 0:36:03.400 This is gonna sound like very obvious. 0:36:03.440 --> 0:36:05.680 We've said it a lot, but it's obviously so important 0:36:05.680 --> 0:36:08.440 that every therapist always comes back to it. Number one 0:36:08.560 --> 0:36:11.319 is just identify your relationship patterns. Just look back at 0:36:11.840 --> 0:36:14.480 at what Laura was saying, Look back at your past relationships. 0:36:14.640 --> 0:36:16.719 Hers were all the same. They were all toxic. They 0:36:16.760 --> 0:36:18.959 were all because she was in a place of need 0:36:19.080 --> 0:36:21.920 not want. So go back to your past relationships and 0:36:21.960 --> 0:36:27.479 identify them. Assess your current and past attachment style. See 0:36:27.480 --> 0:36:31.359 if these patterns are still relevant now or. 0:36:31.320 --> 0:36:33.000 If you slowly started to change. 0:36:33.840 --> 0:36:38.320 And the big, big one, which seems so damn obvious 0:36:38.480 --> 0:36:40.880 but none of us do it enough, it's work on 0:36:40.880 --> 0:36:44.040 your self esteem. So it's super common characteristic across all 0:36:44.120 --> 0:36:45.520 of these insecure attachment styles. 0:36:45.520 --> 0:36:46.680 To have low self esteem. 0:36:47.080 --> 0:36:48.960 You just need to learn to embrace and love yourself 0:36:49.000 --> 0:36:51.600 and look after yourself first, be okay on your own 0:36:51.680 --> 0:36:53.839 And we say that so much, but it really really 0:36:53.880 --> 0:36:56.399 is so important to get to a place where you're 0:36:56.400 --> 0:36:58.680 happy with who you are, You're happy with where you're going, 0:36:58.840 --> 0:37:01.279 You're comfortable in your own space and your own time 0:37:01.320 --> 0:37:02.919 and your own thoughts, and. 0:37:02.920 --> 0:37:05.839 From there a whole new world opens up. 0:37:05.880 --> 0:37:08.000 And I think if we all sit back and be really, 0:37:08.040 --> 0:37:12.040 really honest with ourself, all of us at some point 0:37:12.040 --> 0:37:14.160 in time would have had issues with our confidence and 0:37:14.160 --> 0:37:17.240 self esteem and we probably still struggle with that now. 0:37:17.520 --> 0:37:18.279 It fluctuates. 0:37:18.320 --> 0:37:20.840 I mean I even think now like I feel like 0:37:20.880 --> 0:37:22.319 I got to a point where I was like, yes, 0:37:22.440 --> 0:37:24.640 I feel very self confident. I feel great about myself 0:37:25.080 --> 0:37:27.239 now that I'm thirty four, and I feel like in 0:37:27.280 --> 0:37:29.719 the last year I've aged about fucking seven hundred years 0:37:29.760 --> 0:37:32.279 in a year. There are days where I feel totally 0:37:32.320 --> 0:37:35.320 insecure again, Like, it's just I think it's that level 0:37:35.360 --> 0:37:39.040 of having self love. It's dynamic, and you know, I'm 0:37:39.080 --> 0:37:40.840 so happy for the people who are like Buddha and 0:37:40.840 --> 0:37:43.560 feel enlightened and they've reached it, and not just on 0:37:43.600 --> 0:37:45.759 the superficial social media level that we see all the 0:37:45.800 --> 0:37:47.960 time where it's like love yourself, here's a photo. 0:37:47.640 --> 0:37:48.359 Of my cellul lit. 0:37:48.880 --> 0:37:53.560 I mean really actually experiencing and practicing self acceptance. I 0:37:53.600 --> 0:37:55.600 think it's very, very hard, and I think there's no 0:37:55.680 --> 0:37:59.320 shame in saying that. Sometimes sometimes you practice self acceptance 0:38:00.080 --> 0:38:02.719 times you feel insecure about things about yourself, and you know, 0:38:02.760 --> 0:38:06.000 it's dynamic, it shifts and you can you just have 0:38:06.040 --> 0:38:08.400 to work towards having that as more of a constant 0:38:08.400 --> 0:38:10.879 in your life. Actually, one thing that Brit put down 0:38:11.120 --> 0:38:14.400 Brit did the notes for today's episode, for every episode, 0:38:14.880 --> 0:38:19.720 talking like every sixty episodes. I do the research too, 0:38:19.880 --> 0:38:23.000 Excuse me, Okay, So one thing that BRIT's written down here, 0:38:23.000 --> 0:38:24.960 which I actually really think this is great. You know, 0:38:25.000 --> 0:38:28.400 there's a lot of fruit through around self love and 0:38:28.440 --> 0:38:29.320 self acceptance. 0:38:29.360 --> 0:38:30.160 There's a lot of. 0:38:30.280 --> 0:38:34.760 Like woo, like love yourself no matter what, embrace everything, 0:38:34.800 --> 0:38:35.760 and like that's great. 0:38:36.200 --> 0:38:37.480 But you know what, sometimes. 0:38:37.200 --> 0:38:40.839 There's often so much self acceptance talk, especially on social media, 0:38:40.960 --> 0:38:43.640 that if you don't feel like you're at a point 0:38:43.680 --> 0:38:46.280 where you totally love yourself, it almost makes you feel 0:38:46.320 --> 0:38:48.600 worse that, like everybody else is so fucking in love 0:38:48.640 --> 0:38:51.680 with themselves and I'm not, so I love myself that 0:38:51.760 --> 0:38:52.360 much totally. 0:38:52.360 --> 0:38:53.160 Like sometimes I have. 0:38:53.120 --> 0:38:56.120 To switch off, totally switch off on mute people because 0:38:56.160 --> 0:39:01.000 I'm like this, this constant conversation about how accepting you 0:39:01.040 --> 0:39:04.200 are of yourself makes me feel like I'm not really 0:39:04.200 --> 0:39:06.319 winning because I'm like, some days I feel great and 0:39:06.360 --> 0:39:07.719 some days I still struggle with it. 0:39:07.800 --> 0:39:08.799 And that's where I'm at. 0:39:08.920 --> 0:39:10.440 Yeah, and that's okay, And that's when you know, to 0:39:10.520 --> 0:39:12.920 turn your social media for a day or two totally. 0:39:13.000 --> 0:39:13.080 Well. 0:39:13.080 --> 0:39:14.480 One of the things that BRIT's written down, which I 0:39:14.480 --> 0:39:17.560 think is actually really great, is instead of like standing 0:39:17.560 --> 0:39:19.680 in the mirror and telling yourself an affirmation that you 0:39:19.680 --> 0:39:22.040 don't really believe, like, you know, maybe you think you 0:39:22.080 --> 0:39:24.200 need to stand in the mirror and be like, I'm beautiful, 0:39:24.360 --> 0:39:27.239 I love myself, I'm worthy of love. You don't have 0:39:27.320 --> 0:39:29.200 to say that. Why don't you start with something that's 0:39:29.200 --> 0:39:33.359 more about self neutrality and like actually accepting who you are, 0:39:33.400 --> 0:39:36.040 not loving yourself yet, but just having some acceptance and 0:39:36.120 --> 0:39:39.759 being like, you know, like I'm a good person, I 0:39:39.800 --> 0:39:43.040 am worthy of a relationship, I am worthy of being loved. 0:39:43.320 --> 0:39:45.480 Like that is enough to set you on the right 0:39:45.880 --> 0:39:49.400 path towards rewiring your brain and convincing yourself, and you know, 0:39:49.440 --> 0:39:51.600 step it up when you feel it. Having a good day, Yeah, 0:39:51.600 --> 0:39:54.239 you look hot today, you look fucking hot. But on 0:39:54.280 --> 0:39:56.279 the days that you're not feeling that, be kind to 0:39:56.320 --> 0:39:58.680 yourself and be very conscious of your internal monologue and 0:39:58.719 --> 0:40:00.839 the words that you're using to discre yourself, because if 0:40:00.840 --> 0:40:02.440 they're not worse that you would use to describe your 0:40:02.480 --> 0:40:05.040 friend or somebody who you just met on the street, that, 0:40:05.160 --> 0:40:06.960 don't use them to describe yourself. 0:40:06.719 --> 0:40:08.239 In terms of self neutrality. 0:40:08.440 --> 0:40:12.360 Is that hey, you're saying it neutrality, neutral neutral reality, 0:40:12.560 --> 0:40:15.239 neutrality neutrality, Yeah, go for it. 0:40:15.280 --> 0:40:17.399 Didn't roll off the tongue. I don't know if you're 0:40:17.440 --> 0:40:18.120 saying it right. 0:40:18.680 --> 0:40:21.960 In terms of coming to self help talk with Britain Laura. 0:40:22.160 --> 0:40:25.880 In terms of self neutrality, one thing that I would 0:40:25.880 --> 0:40:27.720 say to myself and I still do say to myself 0:40:27.840 --> 0:40:32.200 is you deserve to be treated the way you treat others. 0:40:32.640 --> 0:40:34.359 I think that's a really good one because it's not 0:40:34.520 --> 0:40:35.200 I'm not pep. 0:40:35.040 --> 0:40:37.239 Talking myself like, yeah, you look beautiful, you're hot, you've 0:40:37.239 --> 0:40:38.680 got this, you can win the world. 0:40:39.280 --> 0:40:40.359 It's literally it's about this. 0:40:40.400 --> 0:40:43.920 It's literally just about saying like, you deserve to be 0:40:43.960 --> 0:40:46.200 treated the way you treat other people. And I think 0:40:46.200 --> 0:40:50.120 it's just a really good one to reset your brain 0:40:50.200 --> 0:40:52.239 and your thought process and be like, no, you know what, 0:40:52.960 --> 0:40:55.640 I do deserve this and I don't have to sell 0:40:55.640 --> 0:40:57.040 for anything less. So I think that's a really good 0:40:57.040 --> 0:40:59.160 one to start with when we're talking about this, like 0:40:59.200 --> 0:41:02.359 look in the mirror thing, Yeah totally, so you don't 0:41:02.360 --> 0:41:03.080 even need a mirror. 0:41:03.440 --> 0:41:04.480 You don't need a mirror. 0:41:04.560 --> 0:41:06.960 And also like I and this has nothing to do 0:41:07.000 --> 0:41:08.799 with this episode, but I'm gonna say it anyway because 0:41:08.800 --> 0:41:11.200 I really really believe in it, Like your worth is 0:41:11.360 --> 0:41:13.879 not based on what you look like. And I think 0:41:13.920 --> 0:41:15.640 that there is times where we really need to get 0:41:15.640 --> 0:41:18.000 away from this idea that like, to be worthy and 0:41:18.040 --> 0:41:22.560 to be successful, you need to be atypically beautiful. Like 0:41:22.600 --> 0:41:24.920 that's bullshit. Your worth is not based in your beauty. 0:41:25.040 --> 0:41:27.520 And we're all gonna get old, we're all gonna get saggy, 0:41:27.520 --> 0:41:30.360 we're all gonna get pigmentation, we're all gonna get wrinkles. 0:41:30.400 --> 0:41:34.680 Like that pigmentation really there isn't it. That's my jam. 0:41:34.760 --> 0:41:36.439 We all know that that's the one thing that gets 0:41:36.480 --> 0:41:38.399 me self conscious. But yeah, like we're all gonna get 0:41:38.440 --> 0:41:41.480 those things. And if your worth is based in how 0:41:41.520 --> 0:41:45.080 you look, then you're really going to struggle when that 0:41:45.080 --> 0:41:47.359 that goes. You know, when you're getting pitted against twenty 0:41:47.440 --> 0:41:49.880 year olds and you're in your late thirties, Like you 0:41:50.000 --> 0:41:53.000 need to work on having pillars of value that are 0:41:53.040 --> 0:41:56.000 not based on your looks, which is what social media 0:41:56.040 --> 0:41:57.879 does to us these days. So, like that is totally 0:41:57.920 --> 0:41:59.520 off topic, but I'm pretty sure that's a topic. We 0:41:59.560 --> 0:42:01.319 should talk about it completely. The other day, I know 0:42:01.360 --> 0:42:03.319 I could go I was just about to launch into 0:42:03.360 --> 0:42:06.280 my own I was about to be like intelligent and human. 0:42:06.440 --> 0:42:12.359 This is about doing a three hour podcast and that's 0:42:12.400 --> 0:42:14.680 our whole week gone, guys on this podcast. 0:42:15.040 --> 0:42:17.480 No, I think look, I think we've gone into it 0:42:17.640 --> 0:42:19.480 some pretty solid depth. I think we've covered a lot. 0:42:19.800 --> 0:42:21.239 The last thing I want to say, and we're not 0:42:21.280 --> 0:42:23.360 going to get into this because there's so much into it, 0:42:23.440 --> 0:42:25.040 but I just want to make you aware of it. 0:42:25.440 --> 0:42:29.120 These attachment styles can translate into your work life as well. 0:42:29.440 --> 0:42:32.000 So if you're having trouble at work, you're not progressing, 0:42:32.800 --> 0:42:34.880 or you're you're in charge and you're having trouble with 0:42:34.920 --> 0:42:39.320 other people, they can actually be bringing these attachment styles 0:42:39.360 --> 0:42:41.799 into their work. And there's so much information on that 0:42:41.840 --> 0:42:44.000 and the internet, so I just wanted to flag that 0:42:44.040 --> 0:42:46.000 with you guys. It's just something you think about if 0:42:46.040 --> 0:42:49.279 this triggers anything with you, one hundred percent. But also 0:42:49.320 --> 0:42:51.359 on top of that, it's not just like when we've 0:42:51.400 --> 0:42:53.880 been talking about romantic relationships, because obviously that's something that 0:42:53.920 --> 0:42:56.239 we focus so heavily on on this podcast, but it 0:42:56.800 --> 0:43:00.239 regards your friendships, in regards to your work, in regards 0:43:00.280 --> 0:43:04.400 to like how you communicate and build relationships on a 0:43:04.440 --> 0:43:06.960 day to day level, Like it's all It affects all 0:43:07.000 --> 0:43:09.880 types of attachments and all types of relationships big and small. 0:43:10.120 --> 0:43:12.680 It's just that, you know, often the biggest relationship that 0:43:12.719 --> 0:43:14.440 we kind of have to deal with is a romantic 0:43:14.480 --> 0:43:16.799 one in our life. That can be like the flagship 0:43:16.800 --> 0:43:19.320 one that all the others kind of get compared against. Yeah, 0:43:19.360 --> 0:43:21.760 my biggest relationship is the one I have with food. 0:43:21.840 --> 0:43:26.759 But and that's a healthy one. Thank you, Brittany, It's 0:43:26.800 --> 0:43:30.040 a solid one. Guys, thank you so much for tuning in. 0:43:30.360 --> 0:43:33.520 We love your support, We love getting your feedback. It 0:43:33.640 --> 0:43:36.600 really really does it for us. It just means the 0:43:36.600 --> 0:43:39.200 world to us. Like we are so sick for our reviews. 0:43:39.280 --> 0:43:41.920 It's our guilty little pleasure. It's like my hit at 0:43:41.920 --> 0:43:44.520 the moment. Seeing you guys share how you're listening to 0:43:44.600 --> 0:43:46.440 Life on Cart We absolutely love that. 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