WEBVTT - BEST OF: Relationships 💏 0:00:04.080 --> 0:00:08.039 Today's episode is going to be different. I think it's 0:00:08.039 --> 0:00:13.039 something that every single one of you will benefit from, 0:00:13.480 --> 0:00:17.400 and it's also from someone that many of you will know. 0:00:17.520 --> 0:00:23.200 We are getting on one of Australia's best relationship experts. 0:00:23.840 --> 0:00:27.400 You'll recognize his voice straight away from Australia's most popular 0:00:27.440 --> 0:00:31.400 TV show Maps. It's none other than John Aiken. He 0:00:31.480 --> 0:00:35.400 really is a brilliant mind, a beautiful, caring person. 0:00:36.560 --> 0:00:37.040 But he's. 0:00:38.440 --> 0:00:40.680 Also direct, you know, he tells you what you need 0:00:40.720 --> 0:00:43.879 to hear. And I'm a huge believer that, you know, 0:00:44.000 --> 0:00:46.159 wrapping things up in cottonwall, or wrapping people up in 0:00:46.200 --> 0:00:49.000 cotton wall, or not telling people that the important truth 0:00:49.280 --> 0:00:51.839 doesn't necessarily help them in the long run. So we're 0:00:51.880 --> 0:00:53.640 going to rattle things a little bit today. We're going 0:00:53.680 --> 0:00:55.840 to shake things up a bit. You're going to hear 0:00:55.960 --> 0:01:00.320 some really important, hard truths about how you can get 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:03.040 into a relationship or improve the relationship that you're in. 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:05.640 I'm Sam Wood. This is the wood Life. 0:01:05.959 --> 0:01:31.560 Let's get into it. 0:01:31.680 --> 0:01:33.199 John Aken, Welcome to the wood Life. 0:01:33.760 --> 0:01:36.400 It is a pleasure, Sam. I've been looking forward to this. 0:01:36.520 --> 0:01:38.080 I have too, mate, I have to. So you may 0:01:38.200 --> 0:01:39.279 recognize that voice. 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:45.120 It is the straight shooting, very direct, highly highly insightful 0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:49.120 man from Maps married at first sight. I'm not a 0:01:49.200 --> 0:01:51.480 maths diehard. I have to I have to tell you 0:01:51.480 --> 0:01:54.040 that I have seen bits and pieces from certain seasons. 0:01:54.040 --> 0:01:55.360 But you have to be living under a rock in 0:01:55.400 --> 0:01:57.240 this country to not know what's going on with Maps 0:01:57.240 --> 0:01:59.760 when it's when it's in full swing, because it really 0:01:59.840 --> 0:02:04.120 is such a such a huge TV show. And I mean, 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:06.120 I want to talk to you today about relationships, and 0:02:06.120 --> 0:02:09.600 I want to talk today about a few questions that 0:02:09.680 --> 0:02:11.400 I get regarding relationships and how. 0:02:11.280 --> 0:02:12.560 It impacts people's health. 0:02:12.639 --> 0:02:16.359 But before we do that, from a fitness perspective. 0:02:16.639 --> 0:02:19.600 I often hear that it's it's almost always from women 0:02:19.919 --> 0:02:26.760 who have an unsupportive husband or partner, and they they 0:02:26.880 --> 0:02:32.720 really struggle, particularly for sustainable change when they're on this 0:02:32.960 --> 0:02:36.200 kind of transformation journey or get my health on back 0:02:36.240 --> 0:02:42.840 on track journey because they feel that they are completely unsupported. 0:02:43.160 --> 0:02:47.720 You know, jokes, you eat the rabbit food in inverted commas, 0:02:47.720 --> 0:02:50.760 I'll have a real meal, you know. Oh, off you 0:02:50.840 --> 0:02:54.079 go again for your stupid workout. You know, just always 0:02:54.200 --> 0:02:58.440 always talking it down. Another one of these exercise things 0:02:58.440 --> 0:03:00.480 that will last five minutes, you know, you'll be back 0:03:00.480 --> 0:03:01.080 on the couching. 0:03:01.080 --> 0:03:02.519 The Tim tamsu may before we know it. 0:03:02.560 --> 0:03:05.520 All this kind of crap that they undermines them, undermining, yeah, 0:03:05.880 --> 0:03:10.440 and it really hurts them. I sort of know what 0:03:10.480 --> 0:03:14.000 the advice probably needs to be to the husband, But 0:03:14.440 --> 0:03:18.720 what is your advice to the person who's not receiving 0:03:18.760 --> 0:03:19.840 that supportive advice. 0:03:20.160 --> 0:03:22.040 Well, the bottom line is they're going to get to 0:03:22.080 --> 0:03:26.280 that goal much faster if they're working as a team 0:03:26.400 --> 0:03:28.560 than if they're working on their own and being undermined 0:03:28.560 --> 0:03:33.160 by their partner. So they do need if they can 0:03:33.280 --> 0:03:35.160 to get their partner on board. Now. The way that 0:03:35.200 --> 0:03:40.040 they do it is by creating empathy. People don't change 0:03:40.920 --> 0:03:44.680 if you just say, hey, do it different, but they'll 0:03:44.720 --> 0:03:48.320 start to change if you say, you know what, when 0:03:48.440 --> 0:03:50.960 you have a go at me like that, when you 0:03:51.000 --> 0:03:53.720 call me you know fad, or when you say you know, 0:03:53.840 --> 0:03:57.680 why don't you take into the tim tams, it undermines me. 0:03:57.880 --> 0:04:04.880 I feel unsupported. I feel sort of small and not 0:04:04.960 --> 0:04:07.400 important to you, and I would love it if you 0:04:07.440 --> 0:04:10.920 could be my cheerleader. If you say that to somebody, 0:04:11.920 --> 0:04:15.920 it's very hard for them to sit there and not 0:04:15.960 --> 0:04:20.960 have an impact on them, because feelings is what essentially 0:04:21.200 --> 0:04:25.760 gets people on board. And too often when I see 0:04:25.800 --> 0:04:29.040 a couple, they'll say, I've told him to help more 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:31.240 with the kids. I tell him every day, I yell 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:33.880 at him, he just doesn't do it. I say, well, 0:04:34.480 --> 0:04:38.760 how you're bringing that up is the issue, and you 0:04:38.800 --> 0:04:41.200 need to hit him with feelings rather than just pointing 0:04:41.240 --> 0:04:43.839 out what he's doing wrong. And once you do that, 0:04:44.040 --> 0:04:46.760 you then get the person empathize. They start getting on board. 0:04:47.360 --> 0:04:49.000 So you know, because you don't want to be a 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:56.680 partner and hearing that you make your loved one feel small, undermined, unsupported, 0:04:57.279 --> 0:04:59.600 you want to be their cheerleader. When you hear that, 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:02.200 you'll aren't getting on board. And so those people in 0:05:02.279 --> 0:05:05.280 that situation, you got to hit them with feelings rather 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:08.680 than where they're going wrong. Love that advice and that's 0:05:09.440 --> 0:05:13.240 the key. And often, unfortunately on maths, what you'll see 0:05:13.520 --> 0:05:16.599 is a lot of blame, a lot of defensiveness, a 0:05:16.600 --> 0:05:19.920 lot of criticism, personal attacks. But what you don't hear 0:05:20.279 --> 0:05:24.320 is vulnerable feelings and that's where you get your action. 0:05:25.600 --> 0:05:29.599 Love that so powerful, and there will be thousands of 0:05:29.800 --> 0:05:31.599 wood life lesseners who will benefit from. 0:05:31.440 --> 0:05:33.239 That and it's interesting. 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:37.440 I mean, I obviously it's quite interesting for me talking 0:05:37.480 --> 0:05:39.920 to you because I met my incredible wife the way 0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:45.360 I did, and Maths is kind of like The Bachelor, Yes, 0:05:45.480 --> 0:05:46.080 very much. 0:05:46.279 --> 0:05:48.400 It's the real extreme version. 0:05:49.200 --> 0:05:52.080 But I mean, never in my wildest dreams did I 0:05:52.080 --> 0:05:54.000 think I would meet someone in that way. And obviously 0:05:54.040 --> 0:05:58.520 you are an integral part of some wonderful stories that 0:05:58.560 --> 0:06:00.960 have come out of that show. But then I was thinking, 0:06:00.960 --> 0:06:03.560 as I was driving to meet you today, you know, 0:06:03.600 --> 0:06:07.200 what a unique opportunity to talk to you about the 0:06:07.240 --> 0:06:10.680 power of those relationships. And I'd love I'd love you 0:06:10.720 --> 0:06:13.960 to give your top tips to our listeners based on 0:06:14.080 --> 0:06:17.000 what you see over and over again. You know, maybe 0:06:17.000 --> 0:06:19.600 what are the biggest mistakes people make with their relationships. 0:06:19.640 --> 0:06:21.160 I'm sure you don't have your top five up your 0:06:21.160 --> 0:06:24.040 sleeve or anything, but what are the biggest mistakes people 0:06:24.120 --> 0:06:28.280 make when it comes to sabotaging relationships? 0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:32.919 Well, if you're at home listening to this and you're 0:06:33.440 --> 0:06:36.919 thinking about your relationship, that's good because you want it 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:39.880 to be front and center of your mind. But ultimately, 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:43.520 the things that you can do that you want to avoid. 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:46.560 One would be spending way too much time on your phone, 0:06:46.960 --> 0:06:49.920 technology getting in the road. If you're connecting. You see 0:06:49.920 --> 0:06:53.200 it in the cafe sam a couple sitting there, someone's 0:06:53.200 --> 0:06:55.560 trying to have a conversation, the other person's head down 0:06:55.560 --> 0:06:59.200 on the phone, So that is a sign that things 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:02.839 are not working well. I would also say that you 0:07:02.880 --> 0:07:06.479 don't have time for each other during the day to 0:07:06.560 --> 0:07:09.279 make little connections. You know, when you and Snares you 0:07:09.320 --> 0:07:11.160 wake up in the morning and you might have a 0:07:11.160 --> 0:07:14.320 little coffee together just map out the day. Or when 0:07:14.360 --> 0:07:17.400 you come home at night, you kiss, you greet each other, 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:20.080 you have a glass of wine before you know you 0:07:20.160 --> 0:07:23.840 go to bed. Those little moments of connecting are very important, 0:07:23.840 --> 0:07:26.120 but couples, when they get into trouble, they let go 0:07:26.240 --> 0:07:30.080 of those. Another issue would be the way you bring 0:07:30.160 --> 0:07:32.840 up things that are on your mind, gripes. If you 0:07:33.080 --> 0:07:35.480 like you see it on maps a lot, they bring 0:07:35.480 --> 0:07:40.800 it up with a sledgehammer. You always, you never, instead 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:45.200 of bringing it up softly. And what you need to 0:07:45.240 --> 0:07:49.640 realize is good listening comes from good speaking. So if 0:07:49.680 --> 0:07:52.520 you're really bad at bringing things up and you go 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:55.720 hard and loud, and you got contempt in your voice, 0:07:56.000 --> 0:07:59.440 it's going to go badly. So that's another key issue. 0:07:59.520 --> 0:08:01.680 I think the one as well, I would say, is 0:08:02.280 --> 0:08:05.760 that you don't have shared goals or dreams together. You know, 0:08:05.840 --> 0:08:09.560 you're just kind of complacent. You're going along, but you 0:08:09.600 --> 0:08:12.000 haven't thought about, you know, the way in which you 0:08:12.080 --> 0:08:16.000 want to grow your finances or raise the kids over 0:08:16.000 --> 0:08:20.040 the next five years, the living arrangements, even holidays where 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:20.560 you're going. 0:08:21.000 --> 0:08:25.680 So if you don't see eye to eye on those things, yeah. 0:08:24.800 --> 0:08:25.880 Is that a deal breaker. 0:08:26.400 --> 0:08:28.240 It's not a deal breaker. But what you want to 0:08:28.280 --> 0:08:30.679 do is you want to get into each other's shoes 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:33.520 and find out why it's so important that Sam wants 0:08:33.600 --> 0:08:36.520 to sit on the beach, you know, in Carbo while 0:08:36.880 --> 0:08:41.040 Snares wants to go, you know, to Aspen and go 0:08:41.080 --> 0:08:43.880 on a ski holiday. You want to make sure that 0:08:43.920 --> 0:08:46.560 you get a greater understanding of where each other are at. 0:08:47.040 --> 0:08:51.560 But if you're communicating poorly, you're not connecting your heads 0:08:51.559 --> 0:08:55.360 in the phone and technology, and you don't have dreams. 0:08:56.040 --> 0:08:59.600 I would say those areas there are signs to me 0:09:00.080 --> 0:09:01.680 that you've got problems. 0:09:01.760 --> 0:09:02.360 Yeah, I love that. 0:09:02.480 --> 0:09:05.719 I think, I think, I mean even I would never 0:09:05.760 --> 0:09:08.240 sit here to proclaim that sins and I have a 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:11.200 perfect relationship. I absolutely am guilty of some of those 0:09:11.240 --> 0:09:16.000 things and was nodding, and I will listen back to 0:09:16.040 --> 0:09:17.960 this episode and make sure I address some of them. 0:09:17.960 --> 0:09:20.280 I mean, it's funny, isn't it, because you know we've 0:09:20.280 --> 0:09:22.400 attacked it by rather than saying what are the things 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:25.240 that you should do, we have said, you know, these 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:26.440 are the things that you want to avoid. 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:26.880 Yeah. 0:09:26.920 --> 0:09:29.200 But I think that's I think that's better. It's more helpful. 0:09:29.480 --> 0:09:31.760 And interestingly, I think we married at first sight. People 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:36.080 watch it and go, we're learning what not to do. Yeah, 0:09:36.160 --> 0:09:40.280 through certain behaviors, certain ways in which people don't get along, 0:09:40.600 --> 0:09:43.160 And that can be just as powerful as someone sitting 0:09:43.200 --> 0:09:47.040 there saying, here's your top five secrets to happily ever after. 0:09:47.800 --> 0:09:50.080 And you know what's interesting. While I was listening, and 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:51.920 I bet this is the case for many of our 0:09:51.960 --> 0:09:56.560 listeners too, I justify a lot of those things that 0:09:56.600 --> 0:09:59.200 I'm doing wrong because of kids. 0:09:59.480 --> 0:10:00.439 Yeah, it's just. 0:10:01.240 --> 0:10:03.880 You know, I would be more connected, I would be 0:10:03.920 --> 0:10:07.200 more present, I would have more time for you if 0:10:07.200 --> 0:10:08.280 I wasn't just so. 0:10:09.960 --> 0:10:11.320 All consumed and. 0:10:11.280 --> 0:10:14.679 Exhausted by running around after four kids. Yeah, and by 0:10:14.720 --> 0:10:18.640 the time all of that happens, I'm kind, you know, 0:10:18.800 --> 0:10:20.679 my battery is zero. 0:10:20.600 --> 0:10:22.200 You know, And it's not. 0:10:22.120 --> 0:10:24.680 A justification because if all those things don't happen, I 0:10:24.679 --> 0:10:27.040 can absolutely see how they can be the beginning of 0:10:27.640 --> 0:10:29.720 relationships starting to fray at the edges. 0:10:29.800 --> 0:10:31.040 But what do. 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:34.040 You have different advice for parents? I mean, Says and 0:10:34.080 --> 0:10:36.640 I both do this, you know, you know, yeah, but 0:10:36.679 --> 0:10:40.280 we don't have help here. You know, Says's family's in 0:10:40.280 --> 0:10:44.920 Perth and my family's in Tazzy and being Macedonian, she's 0:10:44.920 --> 0:10:50.400 not that comfortable giving responsibility of our children being looked after, 0:10:50.440 --> 0:10:52.600 the babysitters and that kind of thing. She prefers to 0:10:52.640 --> 0:10:55.520 do it herself. And I understand that, and there's a 0:10:55.559 --> 0:10:57.400 lot about that that I love. But then at the 0:10:57.400 --> 0:11:00.440 same time, we are always tired and we don't have 0:11:00.440 --> 0:11:03.120 a lot of time for each other, and we recently 0:11:03.240 --> 0:11:06.680 we have made Wednesday night date night. It's amazing how 0:11:06.760 --> 0:11:09.080 much that's you know, it's four hours out of one 0:11:09.160 --> 0:11:11.280 hundred and sixty eight for the week, but god, it's been. 0:11:11.520 --> 0:11:13.600 It's been a game changer for us. 0:11:14.000 --> 0:11:16.240 Look, I think what you're talking about there is very 0:11:16.280 --> 0:11:19.400 real for everyone that's had kids. You know, your relationship. 0:11:19.520 --> 0:11:24.360 Really there's there's two relationships pre kids where Sam and 0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:27.000 Snay's you know, go out anywhere they like, they holiday, 0:11:27.160 --> 0:11:30.120 they you know, stay out late, they sleep in, they 0:11:30.160 --> 0:11:31.120 eat anything they like. 0:11:31.400 --> 0:11:34.319 And so we never had that. When Snays and I met, 0:11:34.720 --> 0:11:39.360 Eva was nine nearly ten, and so we see a 0:11:39.360 --> 0:11:43.880 lot of our friends who are couples three kids. This 0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:47.080 is our last Europe trip, this is ours, you know, 0:11:47.360 --> 0:11:49.960 it's the last hurrah this, you know, says and I 0:11:49.960 --> 0:11:53.240 haven't ever had a honeymoon, you know, and look, I'm 0:11:53.240 --> 0:11:56.120 not here with my violin, but I just it's just 0:11:56.280 --> 0:12:00.440 interesting that because we we obviously met through ridiculous circumstance. 0:12:00.480 --> 0:12:02.040 Maybehen I say, oh, you've had plenty of dates. Yeah, 0:12:02.040 --> 0:12:05.600 not quite the dates that I would have imagined. Cameras 0:12:05.840 --> 0:12:08.680 pointed our face. But it was kind of that to 0:12:08.760 --> 0:12:13.040 being flung into the public spotlight to you know, then 0:12:13.280 --> 0:12:15.880 snares a navy coming over from Perth to Melbourne to 0:12:15.920 --> 0:12:19.720 live and seven years has gone by incredibly quickly, and 0:12:19.760 --> 0:12:22.720 I feel like I would love nothing more than just 0:12:22.760 --> 0:12:25.760 to spend ten days on a holiday. 0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:26.600 You know. 0:12:26.880 --> 0:12:29.960 It is an interesting one where you say that before 0:12:29.960 --> 0:12:31.640 and the after because we never had the before. 0:12:31.679 --> 0:12:36.200 No, And you're absolutely right. So you've essentially created your 0:12:36.240 --> 0:12:39.160 relationship where you've already got one child and then you've 0:12:39.160 --> 0:12:41.840 had more since then. And ultimately, what you've got to 0:12:41.880 --> 0:12:46.960 do is you've got to in a way which makes 0:12:47.000 --> 0:12:49.760 them feel special even though you're not getting a lot 0:12:49.760 --> 0:12:52.240 of time with them. So it's got to be doing 0:12:52.520 --> 0:12:56.240 little things daily and often rather than flowers once a week. 0:12:57.000 --> 0:13:01.120 So what that means is texts through the day between 0:13:01.160 --> 0:13:03.280 you and your partner. When you've got kids, it's very 0:13:03.320 --> 0:13:05.440 important and you get back to them. You don't ignore 0:13:05.480 --> 0:13:08.800 the texts. It's the little coffee in the morning before 0:13:08.800 --> 0:13:11.480 the kids get up, or the glass of wine at 0:13:11.480 --> 0:13:14.559 the end of the day, or you know, binge watching 0:13:14.600 --> 0:13:17.000 an episode on Netflix in bed, just the two of 0:13:17.000 --> 0:13:19.600 you when you do go to bed, go to bed together. 0:13:19.720 --> 0:13:23.240 So these little moments of connecting is very important. Also, 0:13:23.360 --> 0:13:27.760 it's very vital when you've had kids that you two 0:13:27.840 --> 0:13:31.920 know what's going on within each other's days, and that 0:13:32.040 --> 0:13:34.880 means asking questions all the time, so you want to know, 0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:38.680 you know what it is that with the challenges with 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:41.960 the kids today, what was their sleep time? You know, 0:13:42.040 --> 0:13:44.280 where did you go for coffee today with your friends, 0:13:44.320 --> 0:13:46.320 you had a meeting with a mother's group. What was 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:48.440 that like? Get today to the names of them. So 0:13:48.480 --> 0:13:51.839 you're really deep diving on their world. Because the more 0:13:51.840 --> 0:13:54.960 you know about each other's inner world, then the stronger 0:13:55.000 --> 0:13:58.160 the bond is. And it's absolutely particularly when you had kids, 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:00.800 it's very easy just to dress to not know what's 0:14:00.840 --> 0:14:03.559 gone on during the day. Another one I would say, 0:14:03.559 --> 0:14:05.360 which is very important, and I'd say, this is the 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:10.079 biggest relationship skill I think you can have as a 0:14:10.120 --> 0:14:12.560 couple that's going to put you in good stead is 0:14:13.280 --> 0:14:15.080 at the end of every day, you've got to have 0:14:15.720 --> 0:14:18.520 a debrief where you say to your partner, tell me 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:20.480 about the things that have been stressing you out today, 0:14:21.120 --> 0:14:24.360 and when they tell you what they are, you listen 0:14:24.960 --> 0:14:31.240 and you don't fix, no solutions, no advice, know how 0:14:31.320 --> 0:14:35.800 to s That is the biggest single conversation that you 0:14:35.840 --> 0:14:40.560 can have with your partner every day. And then when 0:14:40.600 --> 0:14:43.240 you've had that, you flip it. And so your partner says, 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:45.480 now you've heard from me, tell me about you what's 0:14:45.480 --> 0:14:49.360 stressing you out, And that person listens and under no 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:52.480 circumstances do they give out advice. So what you're doing 0:14:52.520 --> 0:14:55.800 there is you're saying, I've got your back. I empathize 0:14:55.800 --> 0:14:58.920 with you, I'm siding with you, but I'm not going 0:14:58.960 --> 0:15:01.960 to fix it. And what happens is it just absolutely 0:15:02.080 --> 0:15:05.160 just gives you this wonderful sense of Wow, it doesn't 0:15:05.160 --> 0:15:08.240 matter how bad things get, my partner has got my back. 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:10.640 And if you can do that every day, I would 0:15:10.640 --> 0:15:14.480 say that is the single biggest relationship intervention I can 0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:17.680 give any couple. It's transformative. 0:15:17.880 --> 0:15:19.800 Yeah, that is such brilliant advice. 0:15:19.560 --> 0:15:21.200 Because we typically like to fix and we want to 0:15:21.200 --> 0:15:23.720 get our partner out of this stress, but they don't 0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:24.160 need that. 0:15:24.720 --> 0:15:27.960 So I not only try to fix when Snares ask 0:15:28.120 --> 0:15:30.720 me I'm not vulnerable enough, and I pretend nothing's wrong. 0:15:31.160 --> 0:15:34.200 We're Yeah, we're getting places here, so I'm good. 0:15:34.280 --> 0:15:34.560 I'm good. 0:15:34.640 --> 0:15:37.200 Yeah, we should have Snares in here. 0:15:38.360 --> 0:15:39.320 I didn't realize. 0:15:39.920 --> 0:15:41.800 Well, I mean, this is the thing, though, you don't 0:15:41.840 --> 0:15:46.880 realize until someone tells you in a very practical way. Well, 0:15:47.040 --> 0:15:48.720 all we'd have to do is have a fifteen minute 0:15:48.760 --> 0:15:50.680 conversation at the end of the day with a glass 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:54.080 of wine. We listen, we side with our partner, We 0:15:54.120 --> 0:15:57.200 don't fix. That's not too hard to do, but it 0:15:57.320 --> 0:15:59.920 absolutely overhauls your relationship. It transforms it. 0:16:00.480 --> 0:16:03.000 Yeah, I love that. So we've spoken about couples. 0:16:03.320 --> 0:16:07.560 Yes, what about all our legendary single listeners that are 0:16:07.600 --> 0:16:08.080 out there? 0:16:08.400 --> 0:16:13.040 What is your advice to them to you know, if. 0:16:13.000 --> 0:16:15.240 They want to some people are very comfortable, yeah, but 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:18.040 if they want to be in a relationship, do you 0:16:18.080 --> 0:16:20.840 have any go to advice for them that you have 0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:22.280 seen has had success. 0:16:22.680 --> 0:16:24.120 Well, I'm going to go down the path that we 0:16:24.160 --> 0:16:28.760 went down last time, which is not to go. So 0:16:30.320 --> 0:16:33.760 you know, when you're meeting a love interest for the 0:16:33.800 --> 0:16:38.760 first time, you want to stay away from people that 0:16:38.920 --> 0:16:41.640 have red flags. You're not going to change them. I 0:16:41.680 --> 0:16:43.600 wondered how long it to be do you said? Flag? 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:48.000 Let me make it clear, you're not special enough to 0:16:48.160 --> 0:16:52.360 change people, you know, and the red flags that you're seeing. 0:16:52.920 --> 0:16:56.720 If that guy's forty five minutes late, if that guy 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:01.600 is really rude to the waiter the restaurant, if that 0:17:01.720 --> 0:17:07.560 guy is ringing you at midnight to come around, if 0:17:07.600 --> 0:17:11.119 that guy says, hey, I got a lot on my 0:17:11.160 --> 0:17:15.240 plate right now. I'm not looking for anything serious. These 0:17:15.280 --> 0:17:19.400 are red flags. You're not special enough to change him, 0:17:19.840 --> 0:17:22.480 so move on. So I think red flags is a 0:17:22.480 --> 0:17:26.720 big thing. You've got to stop going after people with 0:17:26.840 --> 0:17:30.040 those red flags and dating down. That's what I would say. 0:17:30.160 --> 0:17:32.679 Dating down is going out with someone who's bad for you. 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:37.159 I remember someone saying to me or hearing you know, 0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:40.080 you date at your level of self esteem. So if 0:17:40.080 --> 0:17:42.480 you keep going out with the wrong types, it's because 0:17:42.480 --> 0:17:46.320 you don't like yourself. So the other thing I'd say 0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:49.560 with regards to dating is you better have good self esteem. 0:17:49.600 --> 0:17:52.919 Otherwise you're just going to keep attracting very bad people 0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:56.280 that will treat you badly. So look after yourself. And yeah, 0:17:56.320 --> 0:17:59.960 you're in a space sam where physical health, well being, 0:18:00.480 --> 0:18:02.760 you know, eating well, sleeping well, all of these things 0:18:02.760 --> 0:18:06.240 are so important for how you're treating yourself. And if 0:18:06.280 --> 0:18:09.400 you're not looking after you, you are going to keep 0:18:09.480 --> 0:18:12.879 dating down. Closely associated with that is, you know, you 0:18:12.920 --> 0:18:15.560 don't want to keep repeating patterns. So when you get 0:18:15.560 --> 0:18:20.200 out of a relationship, grab a friend and say, all right, 0:18:20.320 --> 0:18:24.480 hit me between the eyes. What was wrong with this guy? 0:18:24.720 --> 0:18:27.359 You know, why was he so bad for me? Also, 0:18:28.040 --> 0:18:30.800 how did I contribute to this? What have I got 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:34.080 to do differently? Moving forward, and what do I need 0:18:34.119 --> 0:18:35.640 different out of my next partner. 0:18:35.880 --> 0:18:36.960 Very few people would do that. 0:18:37.440 --> 0:18:39.879 Very few people do it. And you see it with marriages. 0:18:40.119 --> 0:18:41.920 You know, people get married once and then they get 0:18:41.920 --> 0:18:44.520 married again and then again, and they're basically married the 0:18:44.520 --> 0:18:47.159 same person, they're just in a different body. But you 0:18:47.200 --> 0:18:50.439 know they keep the kid getting the same outcome. So 0:18:50.560 --> 0:18:53.440 I think you don't want to keep repeating those patterns. 0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:56.560 And a close friend who will tell you the truth 0:18:57.320 --> 0:18:59.920 is a great way of really getting a wake up call. 0:19:01.040 --> 0:19:03.080 Now we play that role and married at first sight, 0:19:03.280 --> 0:19:06.360 we're holding a mirror up to these people who probably 0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:09.560 have never had that happen and saying, you know that 0:19:09.640 --> 0:19:12.520 pattern there is going to keep you single, so you 0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:16.640 change it or you're not going to last. You can 0:19:16.640 --> 0:19:19.679 play that role as a friend to someone who's single, 0:19:19.720 --> 0:19:21.879 who's dating but dating badly. 0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:24.760 So as the friend, do you need to be asked 0:19:24.880 --> 0:19:27.400 to give that advice or you just think we're as 0:19:27.440 --> 0:19:29.359 friends we need to be a little bit bolder and 0:19:29.359 --> 0:19:31.880 we need to give it because that can be brickly. 0:19:32.080 --> 0:19:34.800 I mean, I do think I remember hearing the saying 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:36.800 when the student is ready, the lesson will be learned. 0:19:36.880 --> 0:19:37.840 Yeah. 0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:41.280 So often it will take that person coming to you saying, look, 0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:43.400 you know what, I'm sick of being single. When they 0:19:43.440 --> 0:19:45.760 come to you and they say, my dating life is 0:19:45.800 --> 0:19:48.480 a disaster. I don't know what I'm doing. Have you 0:19:48.520 --> 0:19:50.879 got any thoughts? That's when you can line them up 0:19:50.920 --> 0:19:52.760 and say, all right, this is how you've got to 0:19:52.800 --> 0:19:57.040 do it different. And then it becomes intentional. We're almost 0:19:57.080 --> 0:19:59.800 in the same profession here, Sam, because I'll get clients 0:20:00.200 --> 0:20:03.399 me saying, you know, I keep going out with the 0:20:03.440 --> 0:20:07.960 same guy. I use this site or this app, and 0:20:08.200 --> 0:20:10.280 for the last six months all they want is sex. 0:20:10.920 --> 0:20:14.800 I say, well, have we thought about getting off that app? 0:20:15.760 --> 0:20:16.160 Really? 0:20:16.840 --> 0:20:17.800 What a wacky idea. 0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:20.160 And it's the same with fitness, you know, doing something 0:20:20.240 --> 0:20:23.879 over and over again but not getting any outcome, and 0:20:23.920 --> 0:20:27.240 then someone external saying all right, well let's shake it up. 0:20:27.240 --> 0:20:29.560 If you want different, you've got to do different. And 0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:32.720 a lot of the time in relationships, as in fitness, 0:20:33.680 --> 0:20:36.360 you know, it is you being responsible and saying I'm 0:20:36.359 --> 0:20:38.280 going to shake this up and do it in a 0:20:38.320 --> 0:20:40.880 way that's going to get me a different outcome. And 0:20:40.880 --> 0:20:43.520 then I think, as single people, you really want to 0:20:43.560 --> 0:20:48.199 take on board the responsibility. It's your mindset. Ultimately, if 0:20:48.240 --> 0:20:51.640 you're dating your single you've got to have a mindset 0:20:51.760 --> 0:20:55.480 of dating up. I'm looking to date someone who is 0:20:56.160 --> 0:20:59.480 top tier, who's going to treat me well, and who's 0:20:59.480 --> 0:21:02.760 going to meet my needs and anything else less than that, 0:21:02.920 --> 0:21:05.000 I'm not going there, but there's plenty of guys out 0:21:05.040 --> 0:21:07.639 there like that. If you're a couple, what you want 0:21:07.680 --> 0:21:11.080 to be thinking is, Okay, my relationship is the most 0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:13.280 important thing to me. It's front and center. So I 0:21:13.320 --> 0:21:16.359 do little things daily and often that are intentional to 0:21:16.400 --> 0:21:20.000 bring my partner close. If you do those things, then 0:21:20.040 --> 0:21:22.120 you're going to be in a great relationship. 0:21:26.920 --> 0:21:28.760 I hope you enjoyed that little bonus episode. 0:21:28.800 --> 0:21:29.800