Speaker 1: Today's episode is going to be different. I think it's
Speaker 1: something that every single one of you will benefit from,
Speaker 1: and it's also from someone that many of you will know.
Speaker 1: We are getting on one of Australia's best relationship experts.
Speaker 1: You'll recognize his voice straight away from Australia's most popular
Speaker 1: TV show Maps. It's none other than John Aiken. He
Speaker 1: really is a brilliant mind, a beautiful, caring person.
Speaker 2: But he's.
Speaker 1: Also direct, you know, he tells you what you need
Speaker 1: to hear. And I'm a huge believer that, you know,
Speaker 1: wrapping things up in cottonwall, or wrapping people up in
Speaker 1: cotton wall, or not telling people that the important truth
Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily help them in the long run. So we're
Speaker 1: going to rattle things a little bit today. We're going
Speaker 1: to shake things up a bit. You're going to hear
Speaker 1: some really important, hard truths about how you can get
Speaker 1: into a relationship or improve the relationship that you're in.
Speaker 3: I'm Sam Wood. This is the wood Life.
Speaker 4: Let's get into it.
Speaker 3: John Aken, Welcome to the wood Life.
Speaker 2: It is a pleasure, Sam. I've been looking forward to this.
Speaker 3: I have too, mate, I have to. So you may
Speaker 3: recognize that voice.
Speaker 1: It is the straight shooting, very direct, highly highly insightful
Speaker 1: man from Maps married at first sight. I'm not a
Speaker 1: maths diehard. I have to I have to tell you
Speaker 1: that I have seen bits and pieces from certain seasons.
Speaker 1: But you have to be living under a rock in
Speaker 1: this country to not know what's going on with Maps
Speaker 1: when it's when it's in full swing, because it really
Speaker 1: is such a such a huge TV show. And I mean,
Speaker 1: I want to talk to you today about relationships, and
Speaker 1: I want to talk today about a few questions that
Speaker 1: I get regarding relationships and how.
Speaker 3: It impacts people's health.
Speaker 2: But before we do that, from a fitness perspective.
Speaker 1: I often hear that it's it's almost always from women
Speaker 1: who have an unsupportive husband or partner, and they they
Speaker 1: really struggle, particularly for sustainable change when they're on this
Speaker 1: kind of transformation journey or get my health on back
Speaker 1: on track journey because they feel that they are completely unsupported.
Speaker 1: You know, jokes, you eat the rabbit food in inverted commas,
Speaker 1: I'll have a real meal, you know. Oh, off you
Speaker 1: go again for your stupid workout. You know, just always
Speaker 1: always talking it down. Another one of these exercise things
Speaker 1: that will last five minutes, you know, you'll be back
Speaker 1: on the couching.
Speaker 3: The Tim tamsu may before we know it.
Speaker 1: All this kind of crap that they undermines them, undermining, yeah,
Speaker 1: and it really hurts them. I sort of know what
Speaker 1: the advice probably needs to be to the husband, But
Speaker 1: what is your advice to the person who's not receiving
Speaker 1: that supportive advice.
Speaker 2: Well, the bottom line is they're going to get to
Speaker 2: that goal much faster if they're working as a team
Speaker 2: than if they're working on their own and being undermined
Speaker 2: by their partner. So they do need if they can
Speaker 2: to get their partner on board. Now. The way that
Speaker 2: they do it is by creating empathy. People don't change
Speaker 2: if you just say, hey, do it different, but they'll
Speaker 2: start to change if you say, you know what, when
Speaker 2: you have a go at me like that, when you
Speaker 2: call me you know fad, or when you say you know,
Speaker 2: why don't you take into the tim tams, it undermines me.
Speaker 2: I feel unsupported. I feel sort of small and not
Speaker 2: important to you, and I would love it if you
Speaker 2: could be my cheerleader. If you say that to somebody,
Speaker 2: it's very hard for them to sit there and not
Speaker 2: have an impact on them, because feelings is what essentially
Speaker 2: gets people on board. And too often when I see
Speaker 2: a couple, they'll say, I've told him to help more
Speaker 2: with the kids. I tell him every day, I yell
Speaker 2: at him, he just doesn't do it. I say, well,
Speaker 2: how you're bringing that up is the issue, and you
Speaker 2: need to hit him with feelings rather than just pointing
Speaker 2: out what he's doing wrong. And once you do that,
Speaker 2: you then get the person empathize. They start getting on board.
Speaker 2: So you know, because you don't want to be a
Speaker 2: partner and hearing that you make your loved one feel small, undermined, unsupported,
Speaker 2: you want to be their cheerleader. When you hear that,
Speaker 2: you'll aren't getting on board. And so those people in
Speaker 2: that situation, you got to hit them with feelings rather
Speaker 2: than where they're going wrong. Love that advice and that's
Speaker 2: the key. And often, unfortunately on maths, what you'll see
Speaker 2: is a lot of blame, a lot of defensiveness, a
Speaker 2: lot of criticism, personal attacks. But what you don't hear
Speaker 2: is vulnerable feelings and that's where you get your action.
Speaker 1: Love that so powerful, and there will be thousands of
Speaker 1: wood life lesseners who will benefit from.
Speaker 3: That and it's interesting.
Speaker 1: I mean, I obviously it's quite interesting for me talking
Speaker 1: to you because I met my incredible wife the way
Speaker 1: I did, and Maths is kind of like The Bachelor, Yes,
Speaker 1: very much.
Speaker 3: It's the real extreme version.
Speaker 1: But I mean, never in my wildest dreams did I
Speaker 1: think I would meet someone in that way. And obviously
Speaker 1: you are an integral part of some wonderful stories that
Speaker 1: have come out of that show. But then I was thinking,
Speaker 1: as I was driving to meet you today, you know,
Speaker 1: what a unique opportunity to talk to you about the
Speaker 1: power of those relationships. And I'd love I'd love you
Speaker 1: to give your top tips to our listeners based on
Speaker 1: what you see over and over again. You know, maybe
Speaker 1: what are the biggest mistakes people make with their relationships.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you don't have your top five up your
Speaker 1: sleeve or anything, but what are the biggest mistakes people
Speaker 1: make when it comes to sabotaging relationships?
Speaker 2: Well, if you're at home listening to this and you're
Speaker 2: thinking about your relationship, that's good because you want it
Speaker 2: to be front and center of your mind. But ultimately,
Speaker 2: the things that you can do that you want to avoid.
Speaker 2: One would be spending way too much time on your phone,
Speaker 2: technology getting in the road. If you're connecting. You see
Speaker 2: it in the cafe sam a couple sitting there, someone's
Speaker 2: trying to have a conversation, the other person's head down
Speaker 2: on the phone, So that is a sign that things
Speaker 2: are not working well. I would also say that you
Speaker 2: don't have time for each other during the day to
Speaker 2: make little connections. You know, when you and Snares you
Speaker 2: wake up in the morning and you might have a
Speaker 2: little coffee together just map out the day. Or when
Speaker 2: you come home at night, you kiss, you greet each other,
Speaker 2: you have a glass of wine before you know you
Speaker 2: go to bed. Those little moments of connecting are very important,
Speaker 2: but couples, when they get into trouble, they let go
Speaker 2: of those. Another issue would be the way you bring
Speaker 2: up things that are on your mind, gripes. If you
Speaker 2: like you see it on maps a lot, they bring
Speaker 2: it up with a sledgehammer. You always, you never, instead
Speaker 2: of bringing it up softly. And what you need to
Speaker 2: realize is good listening comes from good speaking. So if
Speaker 2: you're really bad at bringing things up and you go
Speaker 2: hard and loud, and you got contempt in your voice,
Speaker 2: it's going to go badly. So that's another key issue.
Speaker 2: I think the one as well, I would say, is
Speaker 2: that you don't have shared goals or dreams together. You know,
Speaker 2: you're just kind of complacent. You're going along, but you
Speaker 2: haven't thought about, you know, the way in which you
Speaker 2: want to grow your finances or raise the kids over
Speaker 2: the next five years, the living arrangements, even holidays where
Speaker 2: you're going.
Speaker 1: So if you don't see eye to eye on those things, yeah.
Speaker 3: Is that a deal breaker.
Speaker 2: It's not a deal breaker. But what you want to
Speaker 2: do is you want to get into each other's shoes
Speaker 2: and find out why it's so important that Sam wants
Speaker 2: to sit on the beach, you know, in Carbo while
Speaker 2: Snares wants to go, you know, to Aspen and go
Speaker 2: on a ski holiday. You want to make sure that
Speaker 2: you get a greater understanding of where each other are at.
Speaker 2: But if you're communicating poorly, you're not connecting your heads
Speaker 2: in the phone and technology, and you don't have dreams.
Speaker 2: I would say those areas there are signs to me
Speaker 2: that you've got problems.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1: I think, I think, I mean even I would never
Speaker 1: sit here to proclaim that sins and I have a
Speaker 1: perfect relationship. I absolutely am guilty of some of those
Speaker 1: things and was nodding, and I will listen back to
Speaker 1: this episode and make sure I address some of them.
Speaker 2: I mean, it's funny, isn't it, because you know we've
Speaker 2: attacked it by rather than saying what are the things
Speaker 2: that you should do, we have said, you know, these
Speaker 2: are the things that you want to avoid.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: But I think that's I think that's better. It's more helpful.
Speaker 2: And interestingly, I think we married at first sight. People
Speaker 2: watch it and go, we're learning what not to do. Yeah,
Speaker 2: through certain behaviors, certain ways in which people don't get along,
Speaker 2: And that can be just as powerful as someone sitting
Speaker 2: there saying, here's your top five secrets to happily ever after.
Speaker 1: And you know what's interesting. While I was listening, and
Speaker 1: I bet this is the case for many of our
Speaker 1: listeners too, I justify a lot of those things that
Speaker 1: I'm doing wrong because of kids.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just.
Speaker 1: You know, I would be more connected, I would be
Speaker 1: more present, I would have more time for you if
Speaker 1: I wasn't just so.
Speaker 3: All consumed and.
Speaker 1: Exhausted by running around after four kids. Yeah, and by
Speaker 1: the time all of that happens, I'm kind, you know,
Speaker 1: my battery is zero.
Speaker 3: You know, And it's not.
Speaker 1: A justification because if all those things don't happen, I
Speaker 1: can absolutely see how they can be the beginning of
Speaker 1: relationships starting to fray at the edges.
Speaker 2: But what do.
Speaker 1: You have different advice for parents? I mean, Says and
Speaker 1: I both do this, you know, you know, yeah, but
Speaker 1: we don't have help here. You know, Says's family's in
Speaker 1: Perth and my family's in Tazzy and being Macedonian, she's
Speaker 1: not that comfortable giving responsibility of our children being looked after,
Speaker 1: the babysitters and that kind of thing. She prefers to
Speaker 1: do it herself. And I understand that, and there's a
Speaker 1: lot about that that I love. But then at the
Speaker 1: same time, we are always tired and we don't have
Speaker 1: a lot of time for each other, and we recently
Speaker 1: we have made Wednesday night date night. It's amazing how
Speaker 1: much that's you know, it's four hours out of one
Speaker 1: hundred and sixty eight for the week, but god, it's been.
Speaker 1: It's been a game changer for us.
Speaker 2: Look, I think what you're talking about there is very
Speaker 2: real for everyone that's had kids. You know, your relationship.
Speaker 2: Really there's there's two relationships pre kids where Sam and
Speaker 2: Snay's you know, go out anywhere they like, they holiday,
Speaker 2: they you know, stay out late, they sleep in, they
Speaker 2: eat anything they like.
Speaker 1: And so we never had that. When Snays and I met,
Speaker 1: Eva was nine nearly ten, and so we see a
Speaker 1: lot of our friends who are couples three kids. This
Speaker 1: is our last Europe trip, this is ours, you know,
Speaker 1: it's the last hurrah this, you know, says and I
Speaker 1: haven't ever had a honeymoon, you know, and look, I'm
Speaker 1: not here with my violin, but I just it's just
Speaker 1: interesting that because we we obviously met through ridiculous circumstance.
Speaker 1: Maybehen I say, oh, you've had plenty of dates. Yeah,
Speaker 1: not quite the dates that I would have imagined. Cameras
Speaker 1: pointed our face. But it was kind of that to
Speaker 1: being flung into the public spotlight to you know, then
Speaker 1: snares a navy coming over from Perth to Melbourne to
Speaker 1: live and seven years has gone by incredibly quickly, and
Speaker 1: I feel like I would love nothing more than just
Speaker 1: to spend ten days on a holiday.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 3: It is an interesting one where you say that before
Speaker 3: and the after because we never had the before.
Speaker 2: No, And you're absolutely right. So you've essentially created your
Speaker 2: relationship where you've already got one child and then you've
Speaker 2: had more since then. And ultimately, what you've got to
Speaker 2: do is you've got to in a way which makes
Speaker 2: them feel special even though you're not getting a lot
Speaker 2: of time with them. So it's got to be doing
Speaker 2: little things daily and often rather than flowers once a week.
Speaker 2: So what that means is texts through the day between
Speaker 2: you and your partner. When you've got kids, it's very
Speaker 2: important and you get back to them. You don't ignore
Speaker 2: the texts. It's the little coffee in the morning before
Speaker 2: the kids get up, or the glass of wine at
Speaker 2: the end of the day, or you know, binge watching
Speaker 2: an episode on Netflix in bed, just the two of
Speaker 2: you when you do go to bed, go to bed together.
Speaker 2: So these little moments of connecting is very important. Also,
Speaker 2: it's very vital when you've had kids that you two
Speaker 2: know what's going on within each other's days, and that
Speaker 2: means asking questions all the time, so you want to know,
Speaker 2: you know what it is that with the challenges with
Speaker 2: the kids today, what was their sleep time? You know,
Speaker 2: where did you go for coffee today with your friends,
Speaker 2: you had a meeting with a mother's group. What was
Speaker 2: that like? Get today to the names of them. So
Speaker 2: you're really deep diving on their world. Because the more
Speaker 2: you know about each other's inner world, then the stronger
Speaker 2: the bond is. And it's absolutely particularly when you had kids,
Speaker 2: it's very easy just to dress to not know what's
Speaker 2: gone on during the day. Another one I would say,
Speaker 2: which is very important, and I'd say, this is the
Speaker 2: biggest relationship skill I think you can have as a
Speaker 2: couple that's going to put you in good stead is
Speaker 2: at the end of every day, you've got to have
Speaker 2: a debrief where you say to your partner, tell me
Speaker 2: about the things that have been stressing you out today,
Speaker 2: and when they tell you what they are, you listen
Speaker 2: and you don't fix, no solutions, no advice, know how
Speaker 2: to s That is the biggest single conversation that you
Speaker 2: can have with your partner every day. And then when
Speaker 2: you've had that, you flip it. And so your partner says,
Speaker 2: now you've heard from me, tell me about you what's
Speaker 2: stressing you out, And that person listens and under no
Speaker 2: circumstances do they give out advice. So what you're doing
Speaker 2: there is you're saying, I've got your back. I empathize
Speaker 2: with you, I'm siding with you, but I'm not going
Speaker 2: to fix it. And what happens is it just absolutely
Speaker 2: just gives you this wonderful sense of Wow, it doesn't
Speaker 2: matter how bad things get, my partner has got my back.
Speaker 2: And if you can do that every day, I would
Speaker 2: say that is the single biggest relationship intervention I can
Speaker 2: give any couple. It's transformative.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that is such brilliant advice.
Speaker 2: Because we typically like to fix and we want to
Speaker 2: get our partner out of this stress, but they don't
Speaker 2: need that.
Speaker 1: So I not only try to fix when Snares ask
Speaker 1: me I'm not vulnerable enough, and I pretend nothing's wrong.
Speaker 2: We're Yeah, we're getting places here, so I'm good.
Speaker 3: I'm good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we should have Snares in here.
Speaker 3: I didn't realize.
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, this is the thing, though, you don't
Speaker 2: realize until someone tells you in a very practical way. Well,
Speaker 2: all we'd have to do is have a fifteen minute
Speaker 2: conversation at the end of the day with a glass
Speaker 2: of wine. We listen, we side with our partner, We
Speaker 2: don't fix. That's not too hard to do, but it
Speaker 2: absolutely overhauls your relationship. It transforms it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love that. So we've spoken about couples.
Speaker 1: Yes, what about all our legendary single listeners that are
Speaker 1: out there?
Speaker 3: What is your advice to them to you know, if.
Speaker 1: They want to some people are very comfortable, yeah, but
Speaker 1: if they want to be in a relationship, do you
Speaker 1: have any go to advice for them that you have
Speaker 1: seen has had success.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to go down the path that we
Speaker 2: went down last time, which is not to go. So
Speaker 2: you know, when you're meeting a love interest for the
Speaker 2: first time, you want to stay away from people that
Speaker 2: have red flags. You're not going to change them. I
Speaker 2: wondered how long it to be do you said? Flag?
Speaker 2: Let me make it clear, you're not special enough to
Speaker 2: change people, you know, and the red flags that you're seeing.
Speaker 2: If that guy's forty five minutes late, if that guy
Speaker 2: is really rude to the waiter the restaurant, if that
Speaker 2: guy is ringing you at midnight to come around, if
Speaker 2: that guy says, hey, I got a lot on my
Speaker 2: plate right now. I'm not looking for anything serious. These
Speaker 2: are red flags. You're not special enough to change him,
Speaker 2: so move on. So I think red flags is a
Speaker 2: big thing. You've got to stop going after people with
Speaker 2: those red flags and dating down. That's what I would say.
Speaker 2: Dating down is going out with someone who's bad for you.
Speaker 2: I remember someone saying to me or hearing you know,
Speaker 2: you date at your level of self esteem. So if
Speaker 2: you keep going out with the wrong types, it's because
Speaker 2: you don't like yourself. So the other thing I'd say
Speaker 2: with regards to dating is you better have good self esteem.
Speaker 2: Otherwise you're just going to keep attracting very bad people
Speaker 2: that will treat you badly. So look after yourself. And yeah,
Speaker 2: you're in a space sam where physical health, well being,
Speaker 2: you know, eating well, sleeping well, all of these things
Speaker 2: are so important for how you're treating yourself. And if
Speaker 2: you're not looking after you, you are going to keep
Speaker 2: dating down. Closely associated with that is, you know, you
Speaker 2: don't want to keep repeating patterns. So when you get
Speaker 2: out of a relationship, grab a friend and say, all right,
Speaker 2: hit me between the eyes. What was wrong with this guy?
Speaker 2: You know, why was he so bad for me? Also,
Speaker 2: how did I contribute to this? What have I got
Speaker 2: to do differently? Moving forward, and what do I need
Speaker 2: different out of my next partner.
Speaker 3: Very few people would do that.
Speaker 2: Very few people do it. And you see it with marriages.
Speaker 2: You know, people get married once and then they get
Speaker 2: married again and then again, and they're basically married the
Speaker 2: same person, they're just in a different body. But you
Speaker 2: know they keep the kid getting the same outcome. So
Speaker 2: I think you don't want to keep repeating those patterns.
Speaker 2: And a close friend who will tell you the truth
Speaker 2: is a great way of really getting a wake up call.
Speaker 2: Now we play that role and married at first sight,
Speaker 2: we're holding a mirror up to these people who probably
Speaker 2: have never had that happen and saying, you know that
Speaker 2: pattern there is going to keep you single, so you
Speaker 2: change it or you're not going to last. You can
Speaker 2: play that role as a friend to someone who's single,
Speaker 2: who's dating but dating badly.
Speaker 1: So as the friend, do you need to be asked
Speaker 1: to give that advice or you just think we're as
Speaker 1: friends we need to be a little bit bolder and
Speaker 1: we need to give it because that can be brickly.
Speaker 2: I mean, I do think I remember hearing the saying
Speaker 2: when the student is ready, the lesson will be learned.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So often it will take that person coming to you saying, look,
Speaker 2: you know what, I'm sick of being single. When they
Speaker 2: come to you and they say, my dating life is
Speaker 2: a disaster. I don't know what I'm doing. Have you
Speaker 2: got any thoughts? That's when you can line them up
Speaker 2: and say, all right, this is how you've got to
Speaker 2: do it different. And then it becomes intentional. We're almost
Speaker 2: in the same profession here, Sam, because I'll get clients
Speaker 2: me saying, you know, I keep going out with the
Speaker 2: same guy. I use this site or this app, and
Speaker 2: for the last six months all they want is sex.
Speaker 2: I say, well, have we thought about getting off that app?
Speaker 4: Really?
Speaker 3: What a wacky idea.
Speaker 2: And it's the same with fitness, you know, doing something
Speaker 2: over and over again but not getting any outcome, and
Speaker 2: then someone external saying all right, well let's shake it up.
Speaker 2: If you want different, you've got to do different. And
Speaker 2: a lot of the time in relationships, as in fitness,
Speaker 2: you know, it is you being responsible and saying I'm
Speaker 2: going to shake this up and do it in a
Speaker 2: way that's going to get me a different outcome. And
Speaker 2: then I think, as single people, you really want to
Speaker 2: take on board the responsibility. It's your mindset. Ultimately, if
Speaker 2: you're dating your single you've got to have a mindset
Speaker 2: of dating up. I'm looking to date someone who is
Speaker 2: top tier, who's going to treat me well, and who's
Speaker 2: going to meet my needs and anything else less than that,
Speaker 2: I'm not going there, but there's plenty of guys out
Speaker 2: there like that. If you're a couple, what you want
Speaker 2: to be thinking is, Okay, my relationship is the most
Speaker 2: important thing to me. It's front and center. So I
Speaker 2: do little things daily and often that are intentional to
Speaker 2: bring my partner close. If you do those things, then
Speaker 2: you're going to be in a great relationship.
Speaker 3: I hope you enjoyed that little bonus episode.
Speaker 4: If you have any.
Speaker 1: People that you would like to hear us speak to,
Speaker 1: please send three your suggestions. You can do that through
Speaker 1: the Woodlife Facebook page or Instagram account just send us
Speaker 1: a message, or you can send us a voice message
Speaker 1: with the link in the bio and