Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life
Speaker 1: Underpart I'm Laura and I am joined by my lovely
Speaker 1: co host Brittany, who is on the other side of
Speaker 1: the pond at the moment. Britt where are you coming from?
Speaker 1: I am on the other side of the pond, Laura. Firstly, Hello, Secondly,
Speaker 1: I am coming. That was a weird intro. Hello, something new.
Speaker 1: I like, okay, wait, wait wait. Every time you tell
Speaker 1: me to try something new and then I do try
Speaker 1: something new, it completely throws you, like you don't know
Speaker 1: how to respond. Yeah, but I love it because this
Speaker 1: is like me living on the edge. What intro is
Speaker 1: She's gonna do what she gonna throw at me. Am
Speaker 1: I going to be able to roll with it? You're
Speaker 1: a real risk taker, baby, I am. I was born
Speaker 1: this way. I am coming to you from just outside
Speaker 1: of New York. I'm in a place called Greenwich, Connecticut,
Speaker 1: and it's on the outskirts of New York. I am
Speaker 1: here for the US Open. Jordan was playing in the
Speaker 1: US Open last week. It sounds shit, babe. I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna tell you, New York sounds like a really shit place.
Speaker 1: Do you know what sounds great? Staying in your bedroom
Speaker 1: and your lounge room for nine weeks. That sounds better,
Speaker 1: But do you want to know, Okay, do you want
Speaker 1: to know something that might feel you like, it might
Speaker 1: make you feel a little better. I think you're gonna
Speaker 1: have a little bit of a laugh at my expense.
Speaker 1: Something happened to me at the tennis and it's the
Speaker 1: first time in a while I've been slightly mortified or
Speaker 1: slightly embarrassed. Now, I want to pre empt this story
Speaker 1: with I know I shouldn't have been embarrassed, because I
Speaker 1: know it's normal. I know it's natural, but there was
Speaker 1: a bar to me that wanted to die just a
Speaker 1: little bit. At the US Open. It's the first time
Speaker 1: I've been, so I didn't know what to expect. But
Speaker 1: the security was high. I'm talking security everywhere, metal detectors,
Speaker 1: you gotta line up forever. It was sardines. It was
Speaker 1: full capacity. They do all these bag checks. You pull
Speaker 1: everything out of your bag, I'll frisk you and then
Speaker 1: you do this multiple times. And they're doing this obviously
Speaker 1: because it's the US Open. For security. Now, there's people everywhere,
Speaker 1: lines everywhere. Now, as I was running out the door
Speaker 1: that day, I got this feeling of like, you know
Speaker 1: that feeling that all women get when your period is coming,
Speaker 1: and you know that it's going to be on its way,
Speaker 1: but it could be in like two or three days.
Speaker 1: You know. You just get that early heavy feeling. But
Speaker 1: I ran back inside and I was like, oh, I
Speaker 1: don't want to go, because I actually was wearing white.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I don't want to go and
Speaker 1: get stuck with my period somewhere. So I ran back
Speaker 1: inside quickly. I said to Jordan, just quickly, let me
Speaker 1: get something. He was like, we're late. So I ran
Speaker 1: back in and I was like, two seconds. Now, I
Speaker 1: use a moon cup? Do you use a moon cup? Laura?
Speaker 1: And you know what a moon cup is, right, surely?
Speaker 1: I mean I know what a moon cup is, yes,
Speaker 1: but I've never used one. I was going to use
Speaker 1: one now that I have my period again after having
Speaker 1: like the kids, but I've I've realized and I didn't
Speaker 1: know this. They come in different sizes, so the one
Speaker 1: I have from before no longer is the one that's
Speaker 1: appropriate for after birth. And I was like, that makes
Speaker 1: me feel really self conscious, so I need a fucking
Speaker 1: bigger one. So I did, Laura, I did the reverse.
Speaker 1: I didn't know they came in the sizes either. And
Speaker 1: when I first started to go, I went to the shop,
Speaker 1: the health shop, went in and bought one, and I
Speaker 1: was and my sister's been telling me to use them
Speaker 1: for years, right, She's like, they're so good, they're so comfortable,
Speaker 1: you don't know they're in there. I couldn't get this
Speaker 1: thing in. I was like, why can't I get this
Speaker 1: thing inside of me? When I finally got it in,
Speaker 1: it was in so much pain the whole day. Then
Speaker 1: I couldn't get it out. Turns out i'd bought one
Speaker 1: that was like just after birth. Couldn't I couldn't get
Speaker 1: it in, and I was like, I called my sister.
Speaker 1: I called Sheridan, and I was like, I can't get
Speaker 1: this moon cup out. It is literally stuck inside me.
Speaker 1: She's like, just pull it and push it in, like
Speaker 1: squeeze it. And I was like, it is not fucking working.
Speaker 1: This is the biggest, most uncomfortable thing. Anyway, i'd bought
Speaker 1: a post birth moon cup. I learned my lesson quickly,
Speaker 1: but flashing back, well, I met the US open, so
Speaker 1: I've run inside. I've got my moon cup. Now, if
Speaker 1: you guys use a moon caup or if you don't,
Speaker 1: I'm going to explain it. But it's like a little
Speaker 1: bowl of plastic and it has a little centimeter flappy
Speaker 1: thing at the end that you used to put in
Speaker 1: and out. But it also comes in a little like
Speaker 1: usually they come in a satin case, and that's what
Speaker 1: you keep them in, like a beautiful little case so
Speaker 1: you don't see them. I was in such a rush
Speaker 1: that I just grabbed the moon cup and put it
Speaker 1: in my bag. I didn't have the case in it,
Speaker 1: so it was just this big plastic thing that I
Speaker 1: trust me, i'd use its scene better days. Well we
Speaker 1: know that it wasn't a big one because you haven't
Speaker 1: had kids, so it was the smaller size of the plastic.
Speaker 1: And just so everyone does know, they're like silicone, So
Speaker 1: they're kind of like they're obviously like they're like collapsible
Speaker 1: and soft. They're not like a it's not like top
Speaker 1: aware container that you're shoving off your vagina. It's not
Speaker 1: a top. So I'm in the line and at the
Speaker 1: US Open there's people everywhere, and there this big burly
Speaker 1: security guard. He's got guns strapped to him. He's really intimidating. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I go through the security and he's like, open your
Speaker 1: bag for me, and I was like sure, people everywhere.
Speaker 1: He pulls out my bag. He starts to pull these
Speaker 1: little things out of it. He pulls out the moon cup,
Speaker 1: holds it up in the air and he's like he's
Speaker 1: like looking at it in the light and he's twiddling
Speaker 1: it between his fingers and I'm like, I'm like, what
Speaker 1: are you doing? And he was like everyone was looking
Speaker 1: at me, and I was like, put that down. He goes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: what is Please explain what this is? And I was like,
Speaker 1: that goes in my vagina. But when I have my period.
Speaker 1: You're like, it's not a shot glass. I haven't brought
Speaker 1: a little hip flask and smurt off black like what
Speaker 1: are you talking about. I was like he was like
Speaker 1: twirling it because it's so soft.
Speaker 2: He was like twirling it in between his fingers and
Speaker 2: I was like, sad, please put the vagina cup down immediately.
Speaker 1: Anyway, he he was mortified. I turn around and I'm
Speaker 1: trying to make it. I'm mortified, but I'm trying to
Speaker 1: make a joke of it. Like I turn back around
Speaker 1: and there are people laughing, but they're not laughing at me.
Speaker 1: Like there were girls just going what the fuck? Oh
Speaker 1: my god, But there were so many guys around me
Speaker 1: that obviously knew what it was that were dying on
Speaker 1: my behalf. Anyway, I was like, I was like, I'm
Speaker 1: really sorry, that's a vagina cup. He nearly dropped it,
Speaker 1: he nearly threw it back at me. He's like, man,
Speaker 1: you just go straight through on. I need to check
Speaker 1: anything else. Like I really care about the environment, and
Speaker 1: so that's what that is. But you know what, I'm
Speaker 1: glad that you've nawls and things. It's really important that
Speaker 1: men know about these things. And I feel like he's
Speaker 1: just had an educational lesson at the tennis one that
Speaker 1: he probably didn't want to hear. But why is it though,
Speaker 1: Like I it's kind of still got that stigma around it,
Speaker 1: doesn't it? Like we shouldn't be embarrassed. You should be
Speaker 1: able to go to the chemist and buy your tampons
Speaker 1: or your pads or your whatever sanitary items you use
Speaker 1: and not feel like they need to be put into
Speaker 1: a paper bag, like it's this sinful thing that you're
Speaker 1: walking away from the chemists with a tampon how dare
Speaker 1: you menstruate? How dare you bleed once a month? So
Speaker 1: you know what you get out there at the tennis
Speaker 1: you cheer Jordan on with that moon coup of yours.
Speaker 1: You just embrace it, wave the red flag for everyone
Speaker 1: to see. So that's why I was like, it's one
Speaker 1: of those things where you shouldn't be embarrassed. And I
Speaker 1: wasn't embarrassed because I was like, Oh, that's my period.
Speaker 1: I was more embarrassed because it wasn't that's what goes
Speaker 1: in my vagina and this man is holding it and
Speaker 1: didn't have a ca and just like seeing his look,
Speaker 1: seeing my look, seeing him hold it up to the light,
Speaker 1: to the sunlight to look through it, because it was
Speaker 1: like a clean one. I was like, what are you
Speaker 1: doing with this thing? I could have gone home and
Speaker 1: told his daughters. For sure. We have such a great
Speaker 1: episode for you guys today, and it's something that we
Speaker 1: really wanted to bring you some content that was a
Speaker 1: little bit more uplifting and that would leave you feeling
Speaker 1: just like you have some tools in your toolkit to
Speaker 1: be able to deal with the current situation in the
Speaker 1: world at the moment, and you know a little bit
Speaker 1: better about life. Yeah, you know what, we wanted to
Speaker 1: leave you better than we found you put it that way.
Speaker 1: So on today's podcast, we're interviewing Hugh Van Kylenberg, who
Speaker 1: is from the Resilience Project, and the Resilience Project is
Speaker 1: all around mindfulness, empathy and being able to like make
Speaker 1: the best of these really difficult situations. And I think
Speaker 1: one thing that Britain and I have always advocated for
Speaker 1: on this podcast, one thing that we have spoken about
Speaker 1: since the very beginning, is this idea that through breakups,
Speaker 1: through some of life's like most challenging hurdles, some of
Speaker 1: the best and like most unique growth can come from it.
Speaker 1: And you know, we've spoken a lot about the hardships
Speaker 1: of breakups and relationship breakdowns and how as much as
Speaker 1: it can be a really painful time in life, that
Speaker 1: you can come out of these experience as a better person.
Speaker 1: And I also think with what we're all going through
Speaker 1: at the moment in the world and the current situation,
Speaker 1: it is really monotonous and it can be really challenging,
Speaker 1: but I do think that there may be some ability
Speaker 1: for growth, and there may be the possibility that will
Speaker 1: come out of this and be able to use some
Speaker 1: of these tools and this really challenging time that a
Speaker 1: lot of us are going through in a really positive
Speaker 1: way as well. This is what the interview is about.
Speaker 1: I'm really excited to get into it because I think
Speaker 1: it's so perfectly timed with what is happening at the moment.
Speaker 1: But before we do, brit, I have a question for you.
Speaker 1: Is it personal or Look, it's not personal to your
Speaker 1: situation right now, but it's definitely very relatable and I
Speaker 1: think our single audience is going to appreciate this one.
Speaker 1: So I was having a conversation with one of my
Speaker 1: girlfriends just the other day who is single, and she's
Speaker 1: been dating this guy on and off. They've been texting
Speaker 1: quite a bit, and the conversation came up around ghosting,
Speaker 1: which I know we've covered ghosting plenty of times in
Speaker 1: the past, but I don't think we've ever actually answered
Speaker 1: this question. So he has been taking progressively longer and
Speaker 1: longer to reply to her text messages, and you know
Speaker 1: the soft fade out, which I know everyone's heard of
Speaker 1: that term. Instead of just doing like the cold hard ghost,
Speaker 1: the soft fade of like taking a little bit longer
Speaker 1: to reply to a message each day, or saying like
Speaker 1: I'm too busy to reply at the moment. How long
Speaker 1: on a normal spectrum, in a normal relationship, when you
Speaker 1: first started dating, how long is an acceptable time frame
Speaker 1: to not hear from a person and to not get
Speaker 1: a reply? I remember those days. There are so many
Speaker 1: variables to this question, like so many things. I want
Speaker 1: to know. Were they talking a lot at the start
Speaker 1: and it's faded off? Has it always been as consistency?
Speaker 1: Do you know the answers to that? I think like
Speaker 1: the standard like texting all the time at the very beginning,
Speaker 1: and then now getting the oh, I'm sorry, I'm super
Speaker 1: busy with work, I'm like a little bit crazy at
Speaker 1: the moment, and then the messaging has gone from being
Speaker 1: like throughout the day to being once in the morning
Speaker 1: or once at nighttime, So like eight hours between text backs?
Speaker 1: Is that okay? Is there a time and a point
Speaker 1: in a relationship, especially at the beginning of relationship where
Speaker 1: someone is genuinely too busy and if they are genuinely
Speaker 1: too busy, how long can they be too busy for? Like,
Speaker 1: like how long do we wait? How long do we
Speaker 1: accept tardy messages? I think it has to be I
Speaker 1: think like if I'm gone, because people are people are
Speaker 1: really busy. Obviously it might be different now with the
Speaker 1: current climate, but people genuinely can be And you know this, Laura, like,
Speaker 1: you could be flat out from the second you wake
Speaker 1: up until the second you get home to bed. For me,
Speaker 1: I would say it has to be within the response
Speaker 1: has to be within that day. It has to be
Speaker 1: within a twenty four hour period. If you're letting it
Speaker 1: roll over to the next day and she's getting a
Speaker 1: message back saying, hey, sorry, I couldn't get back to
Speaker 1: your sales flat out and they're not giving you much,
Speaker 1: i'd can it. Honestly, I would, because we all know
Speaker 1: and I really do believe this that if you want
Speaker 1: to contact someone, it doesn't matter how busy you are,
Speaker 1: you will within that day. So even if he has
Speaker 1: been flat out, he might be doing heart surgery all day,
Speaker 1: who knows. You might be flat out all day. But
Speaker 1: when you get home to bed, you finally you've brushed
Speaker 1: your teeth, you've combed your hair back, you've put your
Speaker 1: moisturizer on, you've tucked yourself into bed. You're going to
Speaker 1: text the person that you're thinking about, and you're going
Speaker 1: to text the person you're in in you because you're
Speaker 1: gonna think, oh, I can finally get back to them.
Speaker 1: I can't believe I haven't gone back to them. I
Speaker 1: want to get back to them. So I think if
Speaker 1: if it's going over the twenty four hours for me,
Speaker 1: that's a bit of a red flag. I'd be like,
Speaker 1: but I'm the kind of person that would probably call
Speaker 1: them out, not a bad way. I'd be like, hey, look,
Speaker 1: I'm getting the I would I'd beel like Fritz, like,
Speaker 1: fucking text me back, you bitch, unless you doing heart surgery.
Speaker 1: Text me back. No, I would just say, hey, getting him.
Speaker 1: If she's actually feeling like he's not interested, I'm big
Speaker 1: on just saying that, and don't be I don't think
Speaker 1: you should be pedantic and over dramatic, like over dramatic,
Speaker 1: don't make something into something that's not there. But if
Speaker 1: you genuinely are getting a feeling that the whole situation
Speaker 1: has done a flip and it's changed, I'm the person
Speaker 1: that would say, hey, look in all honestly, I'm getting
Speaker 1: feeling that you're not that interested, which is cool, like
Speaker 1: it is what it is kind of thing. And he's
Speaker 1: either gonna say I'm so sorry I've made you feel
Speaker 1: like that, Like I really just have been flat out
Speaker 1: or he's gonna say, yeah, I just don't think the
Speaker 1: timing is right. I just think life's too short. We
Speaker 1: all know, especially with what's going on. Life's too short
Speaker 1: to wonder what. Life's too short to not know. Life's
Speaker 1: too short to waste your time on someone that's not
Speaker 1: interested in you. And I really think the big tech
Speaker 1: caring from this, And this was the conversation that we had.
Speaker 1: It's like life is too short to not be a priority,
Speaker 1: Like it's okay to have ebbs and flows around priority,
Speaker 1: like you don't always have to be the other person's
Speaker 1: main thing. And it's completely impractical to expect that someone's
Speaker 1: going to be texting you all day every day, like
Speaker 1: it's it's unsustainable for starters. But you still want to
Speaker 1: feel like you're a priority to that person. And I
Speaker 1: know that there's variables to this, Like Rit said, maybe
Speaker 1: if he's doing heart surgery, there's some exception. Well let
Speaker 1: it slide, okay, write whatever, saving lives, you're too fucking busy,
Speaker 1: But no, it comes down to, like what does busy
Speaker 1: look like if he's studying if he's working like a
Speaker 1: normal nine to five job, if he's just been out exercising,
Speaker 1: Like there are breaks throughout the day where you can
Speaker 1: send a text message reply, or you can just touch
Speaker 1: base in some capacity. It doesn't have to be like
Speaker 1: a big back and forth thing. But I also think
Speaker 1: sometimes we need to check ourselves because I know, like
Speaker 1: when I first start dating, I really love the constant
Speaker 1: back and forth messaging. And then if I don't get that,
Speaker 1: I'm not being satiated in that way, and so like
Speaker 1: I sometimes have to turn at their house. I sometimes
Speaker 1: have to pull my own head in and be like
Speaker 1: this is not practical, Like it's not sustainable for everyone
Speaker 1: to do so, like I understand that as well, but no,
Speaker 1: I think the situation with her was that it had
Speaker 1: become the norm to not hear back for sort of
Speaker 1: eight hour days at a time, and that had happened
Speaker 1: for four or five days in a row, and I
Speaker 1: was like, I think you should call it. I think
Speaker 1: that this is like run its course. Now. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: going to say call it too. I'm going to I'm
Speaker 1: not call it, but like just do what I said
Speaker 1: and just be like, yo, is this going anywhere or
Speaker 1: not because I've got data restrictions and I don't want
Speaker 1: to waste my text on you. And I also think
Speaker 1: sometimes we're so scared to ask that question. We're so
Speaker 1: scared to be like, hey, what is happening, like are
Speaker 1: you too busy or like and you don't have to
Speaker 1: ask it in like a passive aggressive kind of way,
Speaker 1: but just asking the question. I think the reason why
Speaker 1: we sometimes are so hesitant to ask the question is
Speaker 1: because we're so scared of what the answer is going
Speaker 1: to be. You know, we don't want to hear that
Speaker 1: Actually maybe they're not that interested in us, and we're
Speaker 1: opening the platform to get the response that we don't want,
Speaker 1: so we kind of stay away from it and we
Speaker 1: stick clear of it. But I honestly think you would
Speaker 1: rather know. You would rather know so you do not
Speaker 1: waste your fucking very precious and valuable time that you
Speaker 1: could be investing in someone or something else or just masturbating.
Speaker 1: There you go. I mean, you can still masturbate in
Speaker 1: text at the same time, could you I need to
Speaker 1: concentrate on what's happening, meditate and masturbate baby if it
Speaker 1: was sexting though you need them, What if you're getting
Speaker 1: no reply. That would be the most miserable sexting of
Speaker 1: the world. Hey, I'm thinking of you, okay, eight hours later,
Speaker 1: thinking of you two. Okay, let's get into our favorite
Speaker 1: part of the episode, accidentally unfiltered Will. If we had
Speaker 1: sound effects, I'd put something in there. That's where this
Speaker 1: is where you write in your embarrassing moments and we
Speaker 1: read them out we love them. I am going to
Speaker 1: kick start, all right, hit me. This was just this
Speaker 1: was just so cute and innocent. Hey, ladies. It was
Speaker 1: my first date in a really long time, the first
Speaker 1: since my divorce after being married for five years with
Speaker 1: two kids, so you can imagine I'm talking. It had
Speaker 1: been years and this mama had forgotten how to flirt.
Speaker 1: So I'm sitting there with this absolute dreamboat. We're hitting
Speaker 1: it off, and I've probably had one too many VOD castas.
Speaker 1: I decided to try and give him the eyes, you know,
Speaker 1: the kind. It had been a really really long time
Speaker 1: since I'd had any actions, so I thought, why not
Speaker 1: give it a go. We were seeing each other straight
Speaker 1: in the eyes, so I thought, now's the time I
Speaker 1: go to seductively take a sip of my straw you know,
Speaker 1: maybe making him think that that straw could be something
Speaker 1: else in my mouth later Lolo Coaster, how awkward. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I go to sip it, but instead I leaned down
Speaker 1: and I shoved the straw straight up my nose as
Speaker 1: it was.
Speaker 2: As if it wasn't embarrassing enough. It went so far
Speaker 2: up that it got stuck. I had to pull it out.
Speaker 1: It was like getting a COVID test, and it came
Speaker 1: out with snot all over it. I sneezed, my eyes
Speaker 1: began to start streaming with tears. I've never been so
Speaker 1: embarrassed in my life. No face went bright red. I
Speaker 1: couldn't even look at him, and we started pissing ourselves laughing.
Speaker 1: But the best part is we've now been together for years.
Speaker 1: He reminds me of it, of him, and it's so gold.
Speaker 1: It's so funny. This reminds me of the time where
Speaker 1: I tried to flirt and I was like trying to
Speaker 1: apply lips too, but I was really applying a tamp
Speaker 1: onto my lips because it was so funny. That was
Speaker 1: the best story. Like you've ever told oh no, getting
Speaker 1: stuck in it? Oh no, actually you've told some bang us. Yeah,
Speaker 1: looks a guy having sex with back my knee. Like
Speaker 1: there's been a few, I've I've lived a well rounded
Speaker 1: and colorful life. Everybody the knee sex, unless you've got
Speaker 1: any other secret stories. Nothing for me will ever trump
Speaker 1: the knee sex. But anyway, moving on what you're accidentally unfiltered?
Speaker 1: Did I ever tell you the time about how I
Speaker 1: broke my tooth in half after having like very very
Speaker 1: rough No? That, okay, I'm an acidently unfiltered for you.
Speaker 1: My husband and I before we were married, we were
Speaker 1: shopping in Westfields, browsing and JB high fight and for
Speaker 1: some strange reason, all of a sudden we got really
Speaker 1: really horny, so we headed to the parents' bathroom for
Speaker 1: a sneaky shopping trip. Quickie knuck in the bathroom, people
Speaker 1: locked the door, and we started going for it. Who
Speaker 1: are these people who have such exciting sex life? I
Speaker 1: don't know. I'm so boring, like so boring. This makes
Speaker 1: me feel guilty that Matt doesn't get enough fun in
Speaker 1: his life. It also makes me think I need to
Speaker 1: start checking the mother's rooms at the min shops and
Speaker 1: people just going for it in there. Apparently so here
Speaker 1: we are no most people are just breastfeeding in there.
Speaker 1: This makes me annoyed. Think of the breastfeeding mothers. Okay,
Speaker 1: we snuck into the bathroom and we locked the door
Speaker 1: and we started going for it. He was fully naked
Speaker 1: and I had just a bra on. All of a sudden,
Speaker 1: he had me up against the wall and my butt
Speaker 1: pressed against something. At the same time I heard doors opening.
Speaker 1: Please stand clean.
Speaker 2: It's like an emergency open button. We were both mortified.
Speaker 1: Standing there, but us snaked as the door started to
Speaker 1: slide open, and we huddled in the corner trying to hide.
Speaker 1: There was a woman there with her two children, sitting
Speaker 1: there with a brand trying to come in to breastfeed,
Speaker 1: and here we are pressed off again stall. She was
Speaker 1: probably like, go get them girls, get some. Needless to say,
Speaker 1: we've never had sex and a shopping center. Since I
Speaker 1: don't think she would be like, go get some. I
Speaker 1: think she would be like, guys, will where contraception? Because
Speaker 1: this could happen to you. There'll be know more of
Speaker 1: this because there will be two of them, So please
Speaker 1: get the hell out so I can breastfeed my ChIL Anyway, guys,
Speaker 1: we love your accidentally unfiltered stories. Please keep sending them
Speaker 1: in to Life Uncut podcast, and now we will get
Speaker 1: in because I'm sure you will be waiting for us
Speaker 1: about time we will get into the interview with you.
Speaker 1: Hugh Van kylean Berg is a co founder and speaker
Speaker 1: from the Resilience Project, as well as a published author
Speaker 1: and podcast host of The Imperfects. For three years running,
Speaker 1: Hugh's national speaking tour has sold out. The Resilience Project
Speaker 1: works with schools, sports clubs and businesses to provide evidence based,
Speaker 1: positive mental health strategies to build resilience and happiness. He
Speaker 1: was a school teacher once upon a time until he
Speaker 1: had a bit of a life changing realization when he
Speaker 1: was volunteering in Northern India. Hugh, welcome to Lafe. One cut.
Speaker 3: Thank you girls. That is a lovely, lovely intro. Well done.
Speaker 1: We practiced a few times.
Speaker 3: It look like it was just off the top of
Speaker 3: your head, very natural.
Speaker 1: That was straight from the email you sent us and
Speaker 1: said can you please read this out on the podcast?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Here where so storty to have you on today. And
Speaker 1: before we get into what we're going to be talking about,
Speaker 1: we do something with all of our guests, and that
Speaker 1: is and I know your prep for this that isn't
Speaker 1: accidentally unfiltered. We want you to bear your soul and
Speaker 1: tell us the most embarrassing, humiliating thing that's ever happened
Speaker 1: to you, well, the most humiliating thing that you're allowed
Speaker 1: to talk about anyway.
Speaker 3: I have many. I thought what I might do is
Speaker 3: tell you my first ever really embarrassing moment, or like
Speaker 3: the first one I can ever remember, and actually happened
Speaker 3: when I was at school. And by the way, so
Speaker 3: I've already got an answer to a question I was
Speaker 3: desperate to know. One of you has the best laugh
Speaker 3: I've ever heard in my entire life.
Speaker 1: It's pretty yeah, and.
Speaker 3: I've never known I listened to the podcast one of
Speaker 3: my really good friends to Lisa is your biggest. She
Speaker 3: lives down the road for me. She's like always talked
Speaker 3: about you guys, and she sends me all the like
Speaker 3: favorite EPs you guys have done. And I've always wondered
Speaker 3: who's got the amazing laugh, and I've britt it's good
Speaker 3: to know it's you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I wouldn't. I don't know if amazing is the
Speaker 1: right word, but the laugh belongs to me yet, do
Speaker 1: you know what the funny thing is when we very
Speaker 1: first started this podcast, Britt was nervous about doing the
Speaker 1: podcast at all and she was like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to do it because I'm worried about my laugh being
Speaker 1: unleashed on the world and people judging me or thinking
Speaker 1: I sound ridiculous. And it's literally become the fucking mascot
Speaker 1: for this podcast.
Speaker 3: It's so good. Whenever you guys say something funny and
Speaker 3: I'm about to laugh, I don't laugh because I want
Speaker 3: to hear you laugh. Britt.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's like it's actually become a compliment. So something
Speaker 1: that I used to be embarrassed about when I was
Speaker 1: going on The Bachelor, as my family were like wishing
Speaker 1: me away. They were like, just remember one thing, keep
Speaker 1: the laugh under control. They're like, Australia's not ready for it.
Speaker 1: And I was like, okay, I promise I will. And
Speaker 1: now it's it's everywhere. It's unleashed. It's wild.
Speaker 3: I know the way this works that you guys have
Speaker 3: questions for me, but I have so many questions for
Speaker 3: you both about reality TV, Like I don't even know anyway,
Speaker 3: but this is not the top of place for it.
Speaker 3: But I'm so fascinating.
Speaker 1: I was like, we can do this, We'll do this often. Yeah, well, Spring,
Speaker 1: see what you're doing here. You're trying to get away
Speaker 1: from telling us your embarrassing stories. You're like, I've got
Speaker 1: a good distraction player, and deflection and flattery gets you far.
Speaker 3: So I reckon a lot of people listening will go
Speaker 3: you have. I think like, I feel like a lot
Speaker 3: of people have heard my story, but no one would
Speaker 3: have heard this story before. So this is like my
Speaker 3: first ever proper embarrassing moment, and it was mortifying. And
Speaker 3: I remember when this happened thinking I will never ever
Speaker 3: come back from this ever. So it happened when I
Speaker 3: was in grade two.
Speaker 1: Oh God, So like that's seven, So I eight, you've
Speaker 1: really held onto this trauma?
Speaker 3: I have. I talked to my psych about it occasionally.
Speaker 1: We should have la.
Speaker 3: It was just after my birthday, so I just turned eight.
Speaker 3: Do you guys remember Show and Tell? I feel like
Speaker 3: you guys would have loved Show and Tell AT's school.
Speaker 3: I used to love Show and Tell. But on my
Speaker 3: birthday was in grade two, Mum and Dad gave me
Speaker 3: two things. I got a brand new share in football
Speaker 3: and I got a spinning top. When you like like spun,
Speaker 3: it lit up and it made like this noise. Not
Speaker 3: that exciting for an eight year old. It was pretty amazing.
Speaker 3: And so when it was my turn to do show
Speaker 3: and tell, and I was like, well, I think I
Speaker 3: better go last, because you should always say the best
Speaker 3: to last, and this is going to be the people
Speaker 3: won't believe this. I've got a football and the spinning top,
Speaker 3: so like, which is just anyway. Yeah, I was like, well,
Speaker 3: I love that I finished this session off here. So anyway,
Speaker 3: So I got to the I went I was like,
Speaker 3: you go first, to you go first. I've got something
Speaker 3: pretty amazing. We'll finish with this. We'll finish with this.
Speaker 3: And so I go to the I go to the
Speaker 3: back right and go to the back and there's a
Speaker 3: long line and I'm about probably halfway through the session
Speaker 3: and I started to go, oh jeez, I think I
Speaker 3: need to do a wee. I really need to do
Speaker 3: a we here. And I was like, oh, well, there's
Speaker 3: nothing I can do here. I can't leave here because people.
Speaker 3: I had the football and the spinning top behind my back,
Speaker 3: and I was like, I can't leave here because people
Speaker 3: will see it. I can't reveal what this is. Will ruin,
Speaker 3: like the whole the excitement of my show and TELP, I.
Speaker 1: Know where this is going, and I'm mortified now.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but it's almost worse than you can possibly imagine
Speaker 3: because the timing of it's just so extraordinary. But so
Speaker 3: it Finally one person before me. Her name was Greta Thraves. Ironically,
Speaker 3: I had a very big crush on Gretath Thraves. I
Speaker 3: was in love with the for seven years of primary school.
Speaker 3: And I'm waiting for my turn, and she just went
Speaker 3: forever like I was like, oh my gosh, please please stop,
Speaker 3: and she just kept going and going and going. And
Speaker 3: then I was like, I think I'm all right, but
Speaker 3: she kept going for a bit more, and then I
Speaker 3: went I think I think I could be okay here.
Speaker 3: And there was my turn, and I went, good afternoon, missus,
Speaker 3: Bully and grad too for Show and Tell today, and
Speaker 3: then I just went, oh no, and I just like
Speaker 3: closed my eyes and I just weed everywhere.
Speaker 1: Oh no. And for my next magic trick.
Speaker 3: And in nineteen eighty eight, we were wearing just these
Speaker 3: like tight gray shorts. That's what we just wore, so
Speaker 3: like there was no question. It's not good for anyone no,
Speaker 3: especially like we. It was so obvious.
Speaker 1: My heart is broken for you.
Speaker 3: So I just wet my pants and these gray tight
Speaker 3: shorts was running down my legs. It filled my I
Speaker 3: was wearing sandals, just filled my sandals, and for some reason,
Speaker 3: I was so frozen with fear and shock. I just
Speaker 3: stood there. I didn't like, I couldn't move, and everyone
Speaker 3: just like stood there like you can imagine, like.
Speaker 1: I can't laugh for you because I'm I feel I
Speaker 1: don't worry I'll laugh at you, Branch. I'm just so
Speaker 1: mortified for you, But like I want to know, is
Speaker 1: the football still behind your back? What is the location
Speaker 1: of the show, and tell.
Speaker 3: I'm holding it because I'm like I still didn't want
Speaker 3: to give it away. I was like, I can't.
Speaker 1: I don't want to sell it.
Speaker 3: I was like, oh, we I'll do this, we I'll
Speaker 3: get this way out. And then everyone all like, go,
Speaker 3: it's okay. It's got a football and the spinning top.
Speaker 3: So I just hung on to them, and Missus Beuley
Speaker 3: was going, Hugh, I think you should go to the toilet,
Speaker 3: and I went, I'll do and I remember going, I
Speaker 3: remember I remember saying to it I already have anyway,
Speaker 3: for show and tell, I have.
Speaker 1: Just like, yes, go to the bathroom, not the toiling.
Speaker 1: I'm just imagining Greta. Greta listening to this podcast. Greta,
Speaker 1: if you're out there now, you know he was in
Speaker 1: love with you for seventy years of primary school and
Speaker 1: he also took a p in front of you and
Speaker 1: his pants.
Speaker 3: I shouldn't have said that I had a girlfriend in
Speaker 3: grade six called Zoe, and I feel like I shouldn't
Speaker 3: have said that because Zoe's gonna heard that I was
Speaker 3: actually in love with Greta Throes in grade six, but
Speaker 3: I was going out with Zoe.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you got that off your chest. Though I'm
Speaker 1: sure it feels better, it's not over yet what happened.
Speaker 3: So anyway, missus Billy Goes, I think you should go,
Speaker 3: And I was like, and I just started crying, and
Speaker 3: I dropped the football and the top in my own
Speaker 3: WII and I just sprinted to the bathroom and I
Speaker 3: remember sitting like I closed the toilet door and I
Speaker 3: was like, I was done, but I just sat on
Speaker 3: the ground and I just cried and cried. I remember
Speaker 3: seeing there going I will never ever come back from
Speaker 3: this like, how do you recover from this socially?
Speaker 1: Like you haven't have you? But you know what we
Speaker 1: learn in life, these embarrassing things are character building.
Speaker 3: It's funny to say that because I remember Mum. They
Speaker 3: called Mum to come and get me cause I wasn't
Speaker 3: coming out of the bathroom. Mum came and got me.
Speaker 3: I've never been so happy to hear Mum's voice. And
Speaker 3: I remember going home that night. I remember telling Dad
Speaker 3: and I saw this look of like, oh god, I'm
Speaker 3: trying so I'm not to laugh here, Like he had
Speaker 3: the kind of smile like he could tell it was
Speaker 3: extremely funny. And I think I learned back then that like,
Speaker 3: not that I could articulate it at a jate, but
Speaker 3: embarrassing self deprecating stories are very connecting, like they're very bonding.
Speaker 3: And a year later, a guy called Douglas Smith were
Speaker 3: playing computer games. He wed his pants because he didn't
Speaker 3: want to give up his go He wed his pants,
Speaker 3: and I was like, oh, I know what to do here.
Speaker 3: I remember thinking I wish someone took me to the bathroom.
Speaker 3: I'll take him myself. I was like, Doug, come with
Speaker 3: me and I'll twet him to the toilet, so I
Speaker 3: don't know, like in a weird way, I kind of
Speaker 3: learned a bit about empathy through that.
Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing that story. It is very humanizing
Speaker 1: because I think everybody has been in a situation, a
Speaker 1: compromising situation where they can relate in some some way. Well, Hugh,
Speaker 1: I actually just to like just to make you feel
Speaker 1: a little bit better now, because I don't want you
Speaker 1: to be alone on the podcast. When I was like ten,
Speaker 1: I had this huge crush. Okay, I'm going to take
Speaker 1: that back. Let's call me like eight, because ten's probably
Speaker 1: a bit old. I was like eight. I had this
Speaker 1: huge crush on my older brother's friends. Yeah, pretty much
Speaker 1: all of them. That wasn't just one, Like I just
Speaker 1: crushed on all of them. And I wet the bed
Speaker 1: one night. I'll never forget this moment either, much like yours.
Speaker 1: I wet the bed. You know, when you're a kid
Speaker 1: and you dream you're on the toilet, and it's so natural,
Speaker 1: like you're busting, so it just comes out. Anyway, I
Speaker 1: got told mom and dad, and then we went to
Speaker 1: school for the day. And then they obviously did what
Speaker 1: parents do when they got the mattress off because it
Speaker 1: soaked through, and they hosed the mattress down and cleaned it,
Speaker 1: and then they were drying it outside. And I'll never
Speaker 1: forget I came back from school and I walked out
Speaker 1: the back and all the boys were there that were
Speaker 1: my crushes, and they were all laughing about the fact
Speaker 1: that I wet the bed, and I remember being like, well,
Speaker 1: like I thought I was going to marry one of you,
Speaker 1: and my life is over, I can I will never anyway,
Speaker 1: I hooked up with all of them later on, like
Speaker 1: five years. Style was I think things are only embarrassing
Speaker 1: when you think they're embarrassing, you know, like things are
Speaker 1: only a big deal when you think they're a big deal,
Speaker 1: and that's what you project. And I think that that's
Speaker 1: actually probably look at me. This is a great segue.
Speaker 1: It was. Also it also allows you to take a
Speaker 1: bit of control back. I mean, I know, and this
Speaker 1: is like just very much from a personal perspective. I
Speaker 1: talk about loads of embarrassing stuff on this podcast, and
Speaker 1: then it goes and gets repurposed in daily mail. And
Speaker 1: I genuinely have gotten to a point in my life
Speaker 1: where they could write anything about me and it doesn't
Speaker 1: actually affect me. Or upset me anymore because I have
Speaker 1: control over my own narrative, like it allows me to Yeah,
Speaker 1: I can have a laugh at myself, and I know
Speaker 1: that there's something very bonding. Like you said, in being
Speaker 1: self deprecating, there's something very humanizing in the fact that
Speaker 1: we all have these experiences that we go through. Some
Speaker 1: of them most widely embarrassing. Some of them are more
Speaker 1: traumatic than others. But it's relatable because nobody's life is perfect.
Speaker 1: Everybody does stuff that they're a bit ashamed about or
Speaker 1: a bit embarrassed about, and I think that it's just
Speaker 1: weirdly become one of the core things of this podcast
Speaker 1: is sharing embarrassing stories and it's all laughing together.
Speaker 3: Yeah, totally, it's funny. I don't know why I think
Speaker 3: about this when you say that, but I can't help
Speaker 3: but think about what's an eight mile Eminem's movie where like, yeah,
Speaker 3: you know how like when it's the final rap, the
Speaker 3: grand final rap in the rap battle, and then he
Speaker 3: goes first and he says all the embarrassing things about
Speaker 3: his life and the guy's like, oh, and he doesn't wrap.
Speaker 3: He just doesn't say anything because he's like, oh, I
Speaker 3: got nothing, because eminem owned all his shit, like all
Speaker 3: the stuff is ashamed of. He just owned.
Speaker 1: Let's actually get into it. Tell us, Okay, that's the hour,
Speaker 1: Thanks for coming. Tell us about the Resilience project and
Speaker 1: sort of how you stumbled across that, how it started,
Speaker 1: and what's the core essence of the Resilience Project.
Speaker 3: So I've been as this a bit recently, so I've
Speaker 3: been reflecting on it a lot more of late, and
Speaker 3: I feel like the more I think back to it, it
Speaker 3: was kind of started when I was very young, really,
Speaker 3: not when I was wedding my pants at Show and
Speaker 3: Tell a little bit later than that. But so when
Speaker 3: my sister was fourteen years old, she's diagnosed with a
Speaker 3: mental illness an arexia nevosa and eating disorder. And I
Speaker 3: guess a bit of a heads up for everyone listening
Speaker 3: that I will be talking a little bit about this now.
Speaker 3: So if it is triggering few it is raw. I mean,
Speaker 3: if it is a raw thing for you, this topic,
Speaker 3: this is a good place for you to be, right
Speaker 3: because I will be talking about so many of the
Speaker 3: evidence based stuff we can do to help people or
Speaker 3: help yourself if you're struggling. But it will be a
Speaker 3: bit raw one of my best mates. His name's Al
Speaker 3: and he said to me the other day, I was
Speaker 3: talking about part of my talk where I talked about
Speaker 3: my sister, and I said, how do you find that
Speaker 3: he is the blokiest bloke manly man I've ever met
Speaker 3: him my entire life, whose nickname is Dolly. He's a
Speaker 3: sparky And he said yeah, I got a bit emotional.
Speaker 3: I said, oh, yeah, right, and he said yeah, I
Speaker 3: actually got sweaty eyes. Sweaty eyes, and I said, you what,
Speaker 3: he goes my eyes got sweaty. I was, oh, you're
Speaker 3: crying rightch Like, I guess the point of sharing that
Speaker 3: sorry about our Dolly is that it's okay if you
Speaker 3: get sweaty eyes. Listen to me speak about all this stuff.
Speaker 3: But when I was sixteen, my sister was thirteen fourteen,
Speaker 3: she was diagnosed with anorexi and novosa. And this is
Speaker 3: back in the mid nineties, and I didn't late nineties,
Speaker 3: and we weren't really talking about mental health back then.
Speaker 3: So I remember mom and dad saying that she doesn't
Speaker 3: eat food, and I was like, oh, okay, remember thinking
Speaker 3: that can't be that serious if she just needs to
Speaker 3: eat food. And then she'll get better, and a few
Speaker 3: year later she's admitted to hospital because she's dropped below
Speaker 3: crisis way. My sister was weighing in it around. My
Speaker 3: sister is about probably five foot seven, five foot up,
Speaker 3: so not an overly short person, but she was weighing
Speaker 3: in at thirty one kilogram. So it was horrific, right
Speaker 3: like it was. It was really bad, and I remember extreme, Yeah,
Speaker 3: I remember that knife. We went home from the hospital,
Speaker 3: and I think for a lot of people you can
Speaker 3: kind of remember and count on one hand the amount
Speaker 3: of times you saw your parents in tears, like a
Speaker 3: certain For me, it wasn't much, but it's an awful feeling,
Speaker 3: right like, it's just the most heart wrenching when you
Speaker 3: see your parents in tears. And I remember Dad was
Speaker 3: standing over the dishes we got home from the hospital.
Speaker 3: My sister wasn't there of us, so it's just my
Speaker 3: little brother Josh, who a lot of people know from
Speaker 3: our podcast, myself, Mum, and Dad, and I remember Dad
Speaker 3: was doing the dishes and he was crying, and I
Speaker 3: knew what was going on was upsetting, but I'd only
Speaker 3: seen Dad cry maybe once before in our life, and
Speaker 3: it really rattled me. But I just have this strong
Speaker 3: memory of just looking at Mum and then look at
Speaker 3: my brother and thinking we're not a happy family. And
Speaker 3: that's new because we have been happy for well oversly.
Speaker 3: I remember we have the happiest memory of childhood. But
Speaker 3: when my sister got sick, it all changed for us,
Speaker 3: and I just remember thinking we're not happy anymore, and
Speaker 3: I wanted to know. I became fascinated at that point
Speaker 3: with the question what is it that makes people happy?
Speaker 3: I knew my sister's mental illness as well beyond me,
Speaker 3: but I did feel this responsibility. I think maybe as
Speaker 3: the oldest that I could maybe cheer Um and Dad up,
Speaker 3: or I could cheer my brother up and we could
Speaker 3: be happy again. And I so desperately wanted to know
Speaker 3: what to do, but I really had no idea. So
Speaker 3: I think when I was seventeen eighteen, I became really
Speaker 3: fascinated with that question. And then it was n't for
Speaker 3: another ten years that I found myself living in India.
Speaker 3: I was over there with my ex partner, went to
Speaker 3: India because she wanted to go. I was very happy
Speaker 3: in Melbourne and I loved living in Melbourne. I was
Speaker 3: very much a sheltered homebody, I suppose. And she said,
Speaker 3: now we've got to do something, and so she said,
Speaker 3: let's go to India. Then we're in India having a
Speaker 3: great time. And then she said we should volunt do
Speaker 3: some volunteer teaching because we both teachers, and I said, no,
Speaker 3: let's get backpacking. But we, thankfully, we went on her
Speaker 3: instinct and we found this community to volunteer. And it
Speaker 3: was a community that very poor, like no running water
Speaker 3: and electricity. People sleep on the floor. Sorry there was electricity,
Speaker 3: they couldn't afford to have it switched on there. And
Speaker 3: I remember being there and on day two or three
Speaker 3: feeling very like homesick and massive culture shocked. But I
Speaker 3: remember thinking to myself sitting in this classroom of kids
Speaker 3: teaching and thinking, never in my life have I ever
Speaker 3: ever seen joy like this before. I'm sitting in the
Speaker 3: middle of the desert. There's no electricity, there's no running water.
Speaker 3: I've never seen people smile like this before. And we're
Speaker 3: only going to better for a few weeks. It turned
Speaker 3: into about three and a half months in the end,
Speaker 3: I think it's about three and a half months. I
Speaker 3: can never remember exactly, but we lived there and the
Speaker 3: whole time I'm thinking, what are these people do? I
Speaker 3: need to know what these people do because I want
Speaker 3: to learn off these people so I can talk to
Speaker 3: my sister and learned a huge amount of these people
Speaker 3: came back to Melbourne and pretty soon after that I
Speaker 3: started this program which was just meant to be about
Speaker 3: teaching primary school kids and things they could do to
Speaker 3: feel happier and improve their mental health and cope better
Speaker 3: in challenging times. And now ten years later, people say, oh,
Speaker 3: it's really taken off. It hasn't taken off. It's been
Speaker 3: ridiculous amounts of blood, sweat and tears over ten years
Speaker 3: and a lot of rejections, a lot of knows a
Speaker 3: lot of this won't work, a lot of that won't work,
Speaker 3: and you probably need to go back to teaching. But
Speaker 3: now it's in this wonderful position where we teach this
Speaker 3: to people every single day and I feel very lucky
Speaker 3: I get to do this as a job. That is
Speaker 3: a very long answer to your question.
Speaker 1: Sorry, No, it's exactly what we want to hear. And
Speaker 1: I think it's interesting. I mean something you just touched
Speaker 1: on at the end. When people think that, oh, this
Speaker 1: is an overnight success. We just finished episode recently which
Speaker 1: was all around failure and this idea that failure is
Speaker 1: such an important part that puts us into the trajectory
Speaker 1: that we're supposed to be on. You know, it makes
Speaker 1: us pivot our life. So when people think, oh, like
Speaker 1: this is so successful now, but knowing that it's something
Speaker 1: that you have worked on, and sometimes these overnight successes
Speaker 1: have ten years behind them of work and of like
Speaker 1: changing what you're doing and kind of rethinking the program
Speaker 1: for it to actually get to a point where you're like, Okay,
Speaker 1: now we can cater for this huge audience, which you
Speaker 1: obviously do. I think it's very valuable to hear that,
Speaker 1: because well, there's ten nos to every yes, and I
Speaker 1: think people just see that the one yes that you get,
Speaker 1: but I don't see the nose no no, no, no h.
Speaker 1: What do you think? So what are the pillars behind
Speaker 1: what makes the Resilience project? When you say you were
Speaker 1: in India and you saw this joy that these people
Speaker 1: who were very impoverished for experiencing, what was it that
Speaker 1: you were like, Okay, there's something about this community that's different.
Speaker 1: There's something that sets this apart. Were you able to
Speaker 1: kind of extrapolate what those key things are.
Speaker 3: They did some really basic things that we don't do
Speaker 3: well here in Australia, but there are things we can
Speaker 3: easily do well, if that makes sense, Like they're just small,
Speaker 3: practical things we can do every day, which is what
Speaker 3: I got really excited about. So the first one was
Speaker 3: they were so unbelievably happy with what they had by
Speaker 3: our standards. It was nothing like in the mudhut that
Speaker 3: I lived in. There was the four walls, there was shelter,
Speaker 3: there was no bed. It was like you sleep on
Speaker 3: the floor. There was a tiny pot where they'd do
Speaker 3: their cooking. But they were so good. I remember the
Speaker 3: kids said to me the first lunchtime Surge, you want
Speaker 3: to see our playground. I would love to see a playground.
Speaker 3: They took me to a broken swing set. It was
Speaker 3: just a chains hanging down. The swing wasn't properly attached,
Speaker 3: and they pointed over their shoulders of this massive smile.
Speaker 3: They were going, well, I didn't look at their faces.
Speaker 3: They just said have a look. And because I didn't
Speaker 3: look at their faces, I thought they were saying to me,
Speaker 3: look how bad this is. Broken swings in the sea.
Speaker 3: Saw that's it for one hundred and eighty kids. But
Speaker 3: then I looked at their faces and I realized something.
Speaker 3: These kids are actually saying, Hey, sir, check this out.
Speaker 3: How good is this? How lucky we've got a playground.
Speaker 3: And some people go, yeah, but they don't know what
Speaker 3: they don't have, that's why they like it. That's not true.
Speaker 3: The local high school has had amazing play agreement which
Speaker 3: these kids walk past every day to get to school.
Speaker 3: That didn't bother them. They just focused on what they had,
Speaker 3: and we struggle with that in Australia. I feel like,
Speaker 3: in fact, I felt the more privileged we are, the
Speaker 3: more we struggle with this concept of gratitude. So many
Speaker 3: of us live our lives off this model of happiness
Speaker 3: called the if and then model of happiness, which is
Speaker 3: like and I'll give you three examples, but I'll give
Speaker 3: you four examples. But it's very possible that people go, no,
Speaker 3: that's not me, but there might be something that you
Speaker 3: can think about in your life. You do this with.
Speaker 3: So if I buy this car, that I feel happy,
Speaker 3: or if I get this promotion then I feel happy.
Speaker 3: Or if we could buy this house and live in
Speaker 3: this suburb, then we'll feel happy, or if I get
Speaker 3: this many followers on social media, then I feel happy.
Speaker 3: There's nothing wrong with wanting all those things. They're perfectly
Speaker 3: healthy things to us by towards, but we attach happiness
Speaker 3: to it. We say, if it happens, then I'll feel happy.
Speaker 3: It never works, because you know that feeling of like
Speaker 3: you buy a nice new car feels good for like
Speaker 3: I don't know, a month, You're sitting there and you go,
Speaker 3: we'll keep this one clean. This car will keep clean.
Speaker 3: And then four or five months out of this shit
Speaker 3: over all over your car and you pull up at
Speaker 3: the lights and you look at someone else's card and go, oh, gosh,
Speaker 3: I've had a car like that, they don't feel happy.
Speaker 3: Or we get a promotion in Australia feels good, and
Speaker 3: then you later a better job comes up and you think, oh, actually,
Speaker 3: if I got that job, they don't feel happy. Or
Speaker 3: we get a certain amount of followers on social media,
Speaker 3: then we go, oh, actually, if I get this many,
Speaker 3: then that'll feel great, Then I'll feel happy. We constantly
Speaker 3: replace these things with things we don't have in order
Speaker 3: to be happy, and it just doesn't work well.
Speaker 1: I think a big part of that as well, is
Speaker 1: this idea that, like happiness is supposed to be a static,
Speaker 1: constant state. I think, just like every emotion that we
Speaker 1: feel in life, you can't have happiness all the time
Speaker 1: unless you have all the other emotions. But we work
Speaker 1: so hard to push down the other emotions and not
Speaker 1: acknowledge them, and that when they do surface, we think like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: I shouldn't feel like I should feel happy all the time.
Speaker 1: I know that I'm guilty of it from time to time.
Speaker 1: Like we live in a two bedroom apartment, we have
Speaker 1: two children. It's quite crammed for our standards of living,
Speaker 1: and I think, oh, like, it's this house that's making
Speaker 1: me stressed. I'll be happier once we move into a
Speaker 1: bigger space. We have more storage, and there's you know,
Speaker 1: everyone has their own rooms and people aren't waking each
Speaker 1: other up. How would you recommend or like, what do
Speaker 1: you say to people that they can do on a
Speaker 1: day to day to be able to be more grateful
Speaker 1: for what they have or bring more of that happiness
Speaker 1: into their lives.
Speaker 3: Well summarized, Laura, that was I couldn't agree everything you
Speaker 3: said and was so spot on. So in order to
Speaker 3: be more grateful you have to practice it right, So
Speaker 3: Dustin Martin, who are very lucky to do a bit
Speaker 3: of work at Richmond Football Club and Dustin Martin, for example,
Speaker 3: now practice is gratitude daily and he's done it for
Speaker 3: I think we're coming up to nearly fifteen hundred or
Speaker 3: sixteen hundred days like he does it every single day
Speaker 3: because he knows if you want to be good at
Speaker 3: something in life, you have to practice it. There are
Speaker 3: many ways you can practice gratitude. I'll give you three
Speaker 3: different ways. Number one, at the end of the day,
Speaker 3: right down on a piece of paper or a journal,
Speaker 3: or on your phone, or on the shower screen door,
Speaker 3: whatever it is. What are three things that went well
Speaker 3: for me today? Not three things you're grateful for. Many
Speaker 3: people do that and they last about a week and
Speaker 3: they stop. And the reason they stop after that question
Speaker 3: is because when you think what am I grateful for?
Speaker 3: You think? On day one, you say family, friends, my house,
Speaker 3: Day two you say job, food, water, Day three, I'll
Speaker 3: say family again. When you repeat yourself, gosh, that's boring.
Speaker 3: So what went well today? I had a nice coffee,
Speaker 3: I saw the sunrise, I went had a nice run.
Speaker 3: Just what went well today. The second way to Pactice's
Speaker 3: gratitude could be you can do this once a month
Speaker 3: because the result of this when you do this, the
Speaker 3: impact it has on you literally last a month. It's
Speaker 3: so powerful. Write someone a gratitude letter, have a think
Speaker 3: about someone in your life. It may be someone that
Speaker 3: you see all the time. It could be someone in
Speaker 3: your family, could be your partner, might be someone from
Speaker 3: your past. Maybe I could write to Greta Thraves, I
Speaker 3: still love here, and you thank them for the impact
Speaker 3: that they've had on you, positive impact I've had on
Speaker 3: your life, and then you hand deliver it to them.
Speaker 3: If you can't, you actually hand deliver it to them.
Speaker 3: I did this with the I do a lot of work.
Speaker 3: We put Adelaide Football Club now and we did this
Speaker 3: and the players actually read out their gratitude letter. A
Speaker 3: lot of sweaty eyes, a lot of very sweaty eyes.
Speaker 3: Was a beautiful, beautiful session. But the research says you
Speaker 3: do that has a profound impact on you emotionally mental
Speaker 3: health point of view. And another way you can practice gratitude,
Speaker 3: which you can do any moment, anytime you cut yourself
Speaker 3: feeling a bit down or stressed, or worried or angry.
Speaker 3: Just stop and have a think about awful things that
Speaker 3: are happening to people around the world that are not
Speaker 3: happening to you. You know, I found myself the other night.
Speaker 3: I was doing the Today Show or the equivalent of
Speaker 3: the Today Show over in New Zealand, which means you
Speaker 3: have to be in the studio at five in the
Speaker 3: morning to be New Zealand time. And the night before
Speaker 3: we got two young kids as well, Laura, and I
Speaker 3: was quite stressed about not getting good enough sleep. My daughter, Elsie,
Speaker 3: who's one and a half, woke up at nine at
Speaker 3: night and we can get her back to sleep till midnight,
Speaker 3: and then finally she went to sleep, and then my son,
Speaker 3: who's four, walked into the bedroom. One I just fallen asleep,
Speaker 3: thinking right, I'll get about three and a half hours sleep.
Speaker 3: Here he walks into the bedroom and he said, oh daddy.
Speaker 3: I went the bed and I said, oh no, And
Speaker 3: I said, hey a minute, you're wearing a nappy and
Speaker 3: he said, he goes, I know my penis missed. I'm
Speaker 3: just so cute. Anyway, he was right, it had missed.
Speaker 3: And then I went I cleaned up his sheets, it's one.
Speaker 3: Then when we realized we run out of nappies, we
Speaker 3: had no more nappies, I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm
Speaker 3: now driving down the street at two in the morning,
Speaker 3: I had to be up in two hours, having not
Speaker 3: slept yet, trying to find nappies. And I was I
Speaker 3: was really angry. I was really stressed. I was really worried.
Speaker 3: I was like, this is the worst. And then I
Speaker 3: did this thing right, You answered the question what is
Speaker 3: not happening to me right now that could be happening?
Speaker 3: And that same day, India had had three hundred and
Speaker 3: fifty thousand new cases of COVID, and I'd seen photos
Speaker 3: of people queuing up, people dying, queuing up for the hospital.
Speaker 3: Three hundred and made a long queues and I'm thinking,
Speaker 3: oh gosh, I'm safe, Like my son's got in danger.
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna have to queue up here. I'm just
Speaker 3: gonna find nappies. Do you know what, I'll be really
Speaker 3: tired tomorrow. In the grand scheme of things. I am
Speaker 3: so like you, this is the biggest issue happening in
Speaker 3: my life right now. And straight to why I felt better.
Speaker 3: So there again, long answ you did question but there
Speaker 3: are three different ways people could practice gratitude.
Speaker 1: When you're saying, how can you be more grateful and
Speaker 1: put things into perspective, I last year did a course
Speaker 1: with a Depack Chopper course which was twenty one days
Speaker 1: of Gratitude in Abundance, and it was very similar to
Speaker 1: what you're saying, but I got a lot from that.
Speaker 1: It's a three week course anyone can do. You can
Speaker 1: do it online and you write down things, like you said,
Speaker 1: things you're grateful for, but he would do something different
Speaker 1: with you every day. So he would say, write down
Speaker 1: ten people in your life that have had an impact
Speaker 1: on your life, and then why. Then he wants you
Speaker 1: to go back and reflect on it. And it is
Speaker 1: so funny that once you're not really thinking about it,
Speaker 1: you're just thinking of the impact and why and why
Speaker 1: you admire those people. It was people like my parents,
Speaker 1: but because of the love that they have and that
Speaker 1: they're still together for forty two years. It wasn't because
Speaker 1: they're rich. It wasn't because they have all these things,
Speaker 1: and it was all these little things. Was my friends
Speaker 1: because I admired the business that they started on their own,
Speaker 1: and it was just a really nice way to start
Speaker 1: to look back and be like, put things into perspective again.
Speaker 1: It's not the money that I need, It's not all
Speaker 1: these things that I want to chase. It stops the
Speaker 1: comparison culture because I think, well, everyone our generation is
Speaker 1: so guilty of this toxic comparison culture. And I think, Laura,
Speaker 1: when you were talking about you know, you're living your
Speaker 1: two bedroom apartment, you wish you had more. If everyone
Speaker 1: around you lived in a two bedroom apartment, you wouldn't
Speaker 1: think about it, would you. You'd be like, cool, I'm
Speaker 1: happy everyone's in this situation. But that's what it is.
Speaker 1: We compare ourselves to everyone else's life, and I think
Speaker 1: that contributes a lot to these mental health issues and
Speaker 1: feelings of negativity and not being worthy enough, and thinking
Speaker 1: that the life you have isn't making you happy. It's
Speaker 1: because we do live in a society that is very
Speaker 1: consumer is driven, where advertised to constantly, like we are
Speaker 1: told exactly what you said earlier. You like, you know,
Speaker 1: if you get the next newest, best thing, you will
Speaker 1: be happier. I mean there's every time that Apple brings
Speaker 1: out a new phone, there's a line around the street.
Speaker 1: Every time, you know, added ass brings out new shoes,
Speaker 1: there's a line around the street. Like, we are very,
Speaker 1: very consumer driven in the society that we live in.
Speaker 1: But how do you think and I think just going
Speaker 1: on for something that you've just said, Britt, this idea
Speaker 1: of comparison culture. It's something we talk about a lot
Speaker 1: on this podcast, and I think because we both work
Speaker 1: a lot in the social media world, we really do
Speaker 1: see how fake it is and how much people put
Speaker 1: on is so fake facade. But at the same time
Speaker 1: we even get sucked into it from time to time.
Speaker 1: What role do you think comparison culture plays into into
Speaker 1: the mental health battles that people are having in this
Speaker 1: day and age.
Speaker 3: It has an enormous impact on us. It's an example.
Speaker 3: I was changed to someone the other day about this.
Speaker 3: If a friend come up to us and said, oh,
Speaker 3: I've got a promotion. I've been promoted at this job,
Speaker 3: like they set it to us and they sat us
Speaker 3: down and said I'm so excited, we would say, I'm
Speaker 3: so happy for you. That's just so and we would
Speaker 3: feel that. But the way it's presented on social media,
Speaker 3: I think our first thing is to go, I'm not
Speaker 3: a promotion in ages or gosh, I'm not getting paid
Speaker 3: that amount of money. The way that Instagram or whatever
Speaker 3: it is, whatever you Instagram is probably the most common one.
Speaker 3: The way it's presented, packaged up. We just can't help it.
Speaker 3: Compare ourselves because we compare ourselves to everyone. So then
Speaker 3: we don't look at our friends and go, oh, my friends,
Speaker 3: your promotion great. We go, that's someone else's doing better
Speaker 3: than I am. But if that sat down and told
Speaker 3: us face to face the good news, we would feel
Speaker 3: joy for them. So there's so much happening. A very
Speaker 3: good friend of mine, Ben Crow, was talking about about
Speaker 3: this the other day, and we were talking about three
Speaker 3: main places we get our information, consuming information from right now,
Speaker 3: social media, the news, and advertising. And if you just
Speaker 3: think about the three roles they play, what they do
Speaker 3: to us. So the news is skewed massively to the negative.
Speaker 3: So I think it's something like there's an index that
Speaker 3: measures positive to negative language in the news, and I
Speaker 3: think at the moment in twenty twenty one, it's something
Speaker 3: like eighty eight percent of what we hear in the
Speaker 3: news is negative. I could be a bit off there,
Speaker 3: it's close to eighty eight percent. So we got a
Speaker 3: lot of negative news. Social media is predicated off shame,
Speaker 3: so whenever you jump off social media, you feel regret
Speaker 3: and shame. You feel like I'm not enough. Basically that's
Speaker 3: what you feel like. And think about the amount of
Speaker 3: hours we spend on social media, that's the main feeling
Speaker 3: we get from it is I'm not enough. And then
Speaker 3: we have advertising, and the role of advertising is to
Speaker 3: make us feel like if we had this certain thing,
Speaker 3: our life would be better. Now. According to research done
Speaker 3: not too long ago, the average amount of advertising impressions
Speaker 3: we receive a day is five thousand, so we get
Speaker 3: five thousand reminders a day that our life could be better.
Speaker 3: Plus we spend, however, many hours on social media feeling
Speaker 3: like I'm not enough because I'm not like this person.
Speaker 3: And then we had this negativity on the news. I
Speaker 3: think that all adds up to the amount of anxiety
Speaker 3: right now in the world is just it's off the charts,
Speaker 3: and I feel like these three things have are a
Speaker 3: big part. I'm not saying turn off the news. We
Speaker 3: need to engage in what's happening, but just be aware
Speaker 3: that that that's like a deliberate like there's a lot
Speaker 3: of good news happening in the world as well. We
Speaker 3: got a tune into that as well.
Speaker 1: I listened to one of your podcasts last week that
Speaker 1: I want to direct people to when we're talking about
Speaker 1: this idea of we look at our friends. If our
Speaker 1: friend came to us and said, you know, I've got
Speaker 1: a promotion that we should automatically be like, fuck, that's
Speaker 1: so good. Good on you. I'm stoke for you. Anyone
Speaker 1: that hasn't listened to The Imperfect your podcast you do
Speaker 1: host it with Ryan Shelton, and the episode I'm referring to,
Speaker 1: I'm sure you know what I'm gonna say. But was
Speaker 1: Ryan really openly talking for an hour about his best
Speaker 1: friend Hamish Is in Hamish Blake Is in Hamish and
Speaker 1: Andy and the fact that for years and years and
Speaker 1: years he resented him as a best friend and he
Speaker 1: was insanely jealous of him. He couldn't be happy for him,
Speaker 1: he could not as a best friend. Listen to one
Speaker 1: episode of Hamish and Handy because even though he loved
Speaker 1: him as a best friend, he was insanely jealous and
Speaker 1: he was comparing himself to him, and the way that
Speaker 1: he spoke about that, and then obviously he ended up
Speaker 1: coming out and talking to Hamish on your advice. I
Speaker 1: think a lot of people can learn from that. Our
Speaker 1: first response doesn't have to be and shouldn't be negative.
Speaker 1: Why wasn't this me? Why aren't I good enough? When
Speaker 1: I was listening to him speak, I just thought, far out,
Speaker 1: you suffered for so long when if you just had
Speaker 1: a conversation with your best friend and you had this
Speaker 1: different outlook, it could have been a really, really beautif thing.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I really want people to go and have
Speaker 1: a listen to that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that is the reason our podcast exists because of
Speaker 3: that conversation that Ryan and I had in a cafe.
Speaker 3: We'd only just met. We were sort of becoming friends
Speaker 3: and we just got on so well, and we're having
Speaker 3: I think we're having a beer or no, we're having
Speaker 3: lunch one day and he just started telling me about
Speaker 3: he and his best mate, Hamish Blake, and how how
Speaker 3: much and Andy started and he wasn't part of that,
Speaker 3: in which he understood because they've just got this beautiful chemistry.
Speaker 3: They're extraordinary together. But how hard it was for him
Speaker 3: to watch that take off without him being a part
Speaker 3: when he was a part of it. But he thought
Speaker 3: he was only part of it because they felt sorry
Speaker 3: for him. He didn't actually feel like he was worth
Speaker 3: being and he's unbelievable. He's the funniest person I ever met,
Speaker 3: Like he's so worthy of that. Anyway, so he told
Speaker 3: me that story and it was very emotional. There was
Speaker 3: quite a few tears. And then when we were leaving,
Speaker 3: he gave me a massive hug and said, oh gosh,
Speaker 3: I need to talk about that. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3: And then, as you said just then, Britt, I said,
Speaker 3: have you talked to ha much about this? And he
Speaker 3: said no, And I said, you need to, like, you
Speaker 3: need to tell him your story, because I reckon his
Speaker 3: side of the story will to bed all these anxieties
Speaker 3: and all these apprehensions you have about it. I'm sure
Speaker 3: he doesn't have the same opinion as you. I'm sure
Speaker 3: I reckon you have just and we all do this.
Speaker 3: It's not a very generous interpretation of the situation. I
Speaker 3: think we're all harshest critics, and you have been so
Speaker 3: harsh on yourself. And then for the next year I
Speaker 3: kept saying whenever we chat, I'd say, have you chatted
Speaker 3: to Homish? No, have you chated to Homish? No, why not,
Speaker 3: it's too hard. We need to chat to Homish. And
Speaker 3: then I said, right, we're doing an episode. You're going
Speaker 3: to talk about this, but you need to speak to
Speaker 3: Hamish about it first, because you can't come on the podcast.
Speaker 1: Are you guardian about it? From the guys? This is
Speaker 1: gonna be embarrassing if you listen to your podcast. And
Speaker 1: he's like, so do we need to talk about this?
Speaker 1: Par like what's going on here?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. There was this big build up
Speaker 3: towards the episode coming and they caught up and he
Speaker 3: called me straight after and he's like, oh, it was unbelievable.
Speaker 3: Was in tears again. It's like, it's the best chat
Speaker 3: we've ever had. And then how I got this beautiful
Speaker 3: message from Hamish like this long I think it was
Speaker 3: even maybe on Christmas Day. It was around a Christmas
Speaker 3: beautiful long message just saying what an incredible chat they
Speaker 3: had and how their friendship has just gone to the
Speaker 3: next level and they just couldn't believe it. And it's
Speaker 3: all from a conversation that it's hard to have these
Speaker 3: conversations when you're unsure about something with your best friends,
Speaker 3: but it's almost always worth it, and there are two
Speaker 3: very special people. Obviously it's a lovely story, but that's
Speaker 3: how the podcast started. That's how The Imperfect started from
Speaker 3: that situation with Ryan's life, because when he told me that,
Speaker 3: I went home and thought, gosh, I wish more people
Speaker 3: could have heard that, because everyone could benefit of that.
Speaker 3: And I told Ryan. He's like, ah, I don't know
Speaker 3: about that. I'm not sure. But took him a while
Speaker 3: to convince him, but about six months later he agreed
Speaker 3: that we should do a podcast.
Speaker 1: Well it's that old adage as well, like where you
Speaker 1: know you just because you think something and just because
Speaker 1: you feel something doesn't make it fact. We can feel
Speaker 1: and we can perceive something around us, or we can
Speaker 1: think something of a relationship, and until you actually sit
Speaker 1: down and have those uncomfortable conversations and get the other
Speaker 1: person's perspective, you don't really know where or like, what
Speaker 1: is fact in that?
Speaker 3: Nay.
Speaker 1: I think we do it a lot in relationships. And
Speaker 1: I was talking about this from sort of a personal experience.
Speaker 1: I might interpret a situation in a certain way, and
Speaker 1: I might be upset about something that my partner Matt
Speaker 1: has done or said, or think he thinks something, but
Speaker 1: just because I think that that's what he thinks, doesn't
Speaker 1: make that fact totally and until we sit down and
Speaker 1: we unpack that together and he goes, yeah, actually, but
Speaker 1: this is my side of things, and this is what
Speaker 1: I was thinking, and this is how I was feeling
Speaker 1: that you sometimes then go oh, okay, I had that
Speaker 1: a little bit wrong and I had created that situation
Speaker 1: in my head a little bit. So we control our
Speaker 1: immediate environment around us, but we can also fabricate a
Speaker 1: lot of what's happening as well. A lot of it
Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily mean that it's real.
Speaker 3: Yeah, our in a critic runs so much of how
Speaker 3: we feel and think about ourselves, and our inner critic
Speaker 3: can be so brutal and so unkind, and I think
Speaker 3: that's why you need to tell people what you're thinking,
Speaker 3: because they can often reality check it for you and
Speaker 3: say that's not the case here.
Speaker 1: I want to get into something that's a little bit
Speaker 1: more serious, and that is depression. Obviously, depression in men
Speaker 1: particularly is very very prevalent, and it's something that we
Speaker 1: have seen increased dramatically over the last few years with
Speaker 1: everything that's happening in the world, with COVID, with job loss,
Speaker 1: how do you think depression affects men and women differently?
Speaker 1: Do you think men have been more affected or in
Speaker 1: a different way? I guess from what's been happened in
Speaker 1: the last few years.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, you're probably be very clear to everyone listening.
Speaker 3: I'm not a psychologist, and what I'm about to say
Speaker 3: is purely from my observations of people that I have,
Speaker 3: that I know and love them, that I work with.
Speaker 3: It presents in so many different ways for men. There's
Speaker 3: a reason I care deeply about this topic, and that's
Speaker 3: because of a guy. And I will answer your question
Speaker 3: a minute, but I just want to give the context
Speaker 3: for why I care so much about this. I had
Speaker 3: a friend many years ago who I used to play cricket,
Speaker 3: and he was the scorer at my creer club. And
Speaker 3: he's an autistic man, a beautiful person, like just the
Speaker 3: most beautiful person I'd ever met. He was in his
Speaker 3: mid forties and with his autism, he was a little
Speaker 3: bit awkward socially at times. He found social situations quite
Speaker 3: hard to navigate. The first day our cricket club, we're
Speaker 3: all wearing our training tops, and he came up to
Speaker 3: me and said, where do I get one? Of those
Speaker 3: T shirts you guys are wearing, and I said, Luke,
Speaker 3: I'll get I said, I've got one in the car.
Speaker 3: I'll get it to give it to you after the game.
Speaker 3: Used the game, we're in the changing rooms, and I thought, oh,
Speaker 3: get Luke's T shirt, and I ran to the car.
Speaker 3: I came back and I did a presentation. I said, Luke,
Speaker 3: welcome to the club. We're so happy to have you here.
Speaker 3: And he realized what was happening as I was, so
Speaker 3: he came. He just walked up the front himself and
Speaker 3: he just took his T shirt off and just stood
Speaker 3: there with no top on, just waiting with his massive smile,
Speaker 3: and he was just waiting to get his T shirt.
Speaker 3: Was so beautiful, and I gave him a T shirt.
Speaker 3: He put it on, massive smile on his face, hands
Speaker 3: on his hips in front of everyone. I said, and
Speaker 3: by the way, we're going to the pub tonight, Luke,
Speaker 3: if you want to join us, we'd love to have you.
Speaker 3: And he said I can't, and I said why not.
Speaker 3: He said, I'm going to mum and Dad's house to
Speaker 3: show my new T shirt with this massive say and
Speaker 3: he said, you guys are my best friends and he
Speaker 3: went really read. He got so embarrassed and he just
Speaker 3: ran to the car. It's one of the nicest things
Speaker 3: I've ever seen. One of the things with Luke. He
Speaker 3: would call me all winter like, how long to cricket season?
Speaker 3: He just was so happy during cricket season because I
Speaker 3: had this purpose and he has our scorer. He really belonged.
Speaker 3: And he'd call me on the first of June every year,
Speaker 3: how long to a cricket I'd say, Luke, it's four months.
Speaker 3: You'd go, that's a long time. Bye. He'd hang up
Speaker 3: first July without faul Hugh halland of cricket. Luke, it's
Speaker 3: three months. That's a long time, but yeah, and he
Speaker 3: would just August first of August. Anyway. I got a
Speaker 3: call mid September, two weeks before cricket started, which was
Speaker 3: not he didn't use the call then, and he said,
Speaker 3: Hugh halend of cricket And I said, oh, mate, we're
Speaker 3: nearly there's two weeks round ones in two weeks time.
Speaker 3: There's a big pause. And he said that feels like
Speaker 3: a very long time to me right now. And he
Speaker 3: was very quiet, and I froze for a bit, and
Speaker 3: I was about to say you okay, And I thought, no,
Speaker 3: it's probably his autism. And I said, mate, i'll see
Speaker 3: in two weeks. We'll have a good chat then. And
Speaker 3: he goes okay, and I said see mate, and I
Speaker 3: hung up, and I went and told my wife Penny,
Speaker 3: and she said, is he okay? And I said, I
Speaker 3: don't know. I think so I'll chat to him in
Speaker 3: two weeks. Penny said, just give hm a call back,
Speaker 3: just check you all right, And I said, here, be right,
Speaker 3: here be right. I'll see him in two weeks. Two
Speaker 3: days later, I got a phone call from the president
Speaker 3: of my creit club letting me know that Lukey took
Speaker 3: his own life the day before. And I my job
Speaker 3: is mental health. My life is mental health. And I
Speaker 3: had the opportunity to check in, and I didn't do
Speaker 3: it because I thought, I think he's okay, and that
Speaker 3: it's probably a bit awkward with his autism. But if
Speaker 3: he is okay and I ask him, he might be
Speaker 3: a bit offended. I don't think I'll say anything. And
Speaker 3: I just left him him in two weeks and I
Speaker 3: kind of have to live with that. And so the
Speaker 3: topic of depression and anxiety and men's mental health, I
Speaker 3: mean everyone's mental health, not just because I'm not just men,
Speaker 3: because I'm my sister and my wife struggles with OCD
Speaker 3: as well. It's everywhere, Like everyone listening right now will know.
Speaker 3: Anyone who was listening to that story and felt something,
Speaker 3: it's probably because you yourself have struggled or you love
Speaker 3: someone who'struggling right now. It's just mental health stuff is everywhere.
Speaker 3: And to come back to your question, it presents so
Speaker 3: differently in so many people. For Luke, he almost put
Speaker 3: it out there to me, like he tried to put
Speaker 3: it out there to me. But then I know someone
Speaker 3: else who struggling in a depression, and for them, they're
Speaker 3: just so angry all the time. For them, they would
Speaker 3: rather look angry than sad.
Speaker 1: I have people like that to.
Speaker 3: Yeah, they get really angry really quickly, because for men,
Speaker 3: it's not a very manly thing to do to be sad,
Speaker 3: and to talk about that. It's a bit easier to
Speaker 3: just crack it and get really angry at the really
Speaker 3: short fuse, and just it can present like that. Other people,
Speaker 3: it's like all of a sudden, they're very reclusive. You
Speaker 3: don't see much, they don't come out anymore. They don't
Speaker 3: want to be around people that don't have the energy
Speaker 3: for it. It presents so differently in everyone. I mean,
Speaker 3: I'm probably going down the path of what you want
Speaker 3: to talk about a bit later on about how we
Speaker 3: talk to men about this stuff. I don't know if
Speaker 3: you want to talk about that now or you.
Speaker 1: Want to I mean, one of the biggest questions that
Speaker 1: we get because we have such a hugely female demographic
Speaker 1: of our audience. You know, ninety eight percent of our listeners,
Speaker 1: and we have men who listen, but I think a
Speaker 1: lot of the men who listener are quiet observers. But
Speaker 1: the big question that we get from the women who
Speaker 1: listen to this podcast is how do I talk to
Speaker 1: my partner who is struggling with mental health? How do
Speaker 1: I be there to support my partner who has mental
Speaker 1: health problems? What can I do or what can I
Speaker 1: say to be able to you know, I want to
Speaker 1: stay in this relationship, but I don't know how to
Speaker 1: support my partner. That is the biggest question we get
Speaker 1: asked in regards to mental health. And I think that's
Speaker 1: important to just note that that's like all men in
Speaker 1: your life too. How do you talk to your father
Speaker 1: or a male friend or you know your partner as well.
Speaker 1: I think it's just how do we approach any man
Speaker 1: in our life.
Speaker 3: That's such a good question, because as men, we're trying
Speaker 3: so hard to look like we've got everything under control.
Speaker 3: We're trying so hard to be stoic, to be you know,
Speaker 3: from a young age. For me, for example, not by
Speaker 3: my parents, because my parents were not like that. I
Speaker 3: was very lucky, but a lot of men boys when
Speaker 3: they cry, they're told, come on, grow up, don't be
Speaker 3: a girl, be a man.
Speaker 1: Stop crying and a bit pussy.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that kind of stuff, and so we go, oh shit, okay, yeah,
Speaker 3: I want to be a man. I won't cry then,
Speaker 3: and I won't have those need of emotions. So we
Speaker 3: kind of we learned from a very young age that
Speaker 3: that's not okay to show that side of you. It's
Speaker 3: not socially acceptable, it's not manly. And then all of
Speaker 3: a sudden, when we're twenties, in our thirties, our forties
Speaker 3: and beyond, things happen to us in life, like we
Speaker 3: go through breakups, we lose loved ones, we have really
Speaker 3: or for we don't even know why, we're just feeling
Speaker 3: really down and really flatten and then all of a sudden,
Speaker 3: the way out of it is to talk about it.
Speaker 3: And we've never done it before. It's an incredibly hard
Speaker 3: thing to do. I've never done it. Incredibly hard. You know.
Speaker 3: The day, the auok day, I think is an extraordinary initiative,
Speaker 3: and I have so much respect and admiration for the
Speaker 3: team who have brought that to life. I think a
Speaker 3: lot of us have got stuck in the thinking that
Speaker 3: we have to say are you okay to me? That question?
Speaker 3: If I'm not feeling good in my wife says a
Speaker 3: you okay, I'll get really defensive and go, yeah, I'm fine.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't answer that question, honestly. I think we need
Speaker 3: to have a think about the person that it is.
Speaker 3: And it might be mendless in just thinking about mates
Speaker 3: of theirs, but have a think about the person. What
Speaker 3: do you do with that person? Like do you have
Speaker 3: a beer with them? Do you have a coffee with them?
Speaker 3: What is it if you're worried about them, if it's
Speaker 3: a friend or whatever suggests that activity, We'll go a beer,
Speaker 3: go a coffee, and then you chip it away. You
Speaker 3: chip it away. Then when you're sing down them like ah,
Speaker 3: how's your partner going, how's your girlfriend, how's your boyfriend?
Speaker 3: Whatever it is, how's work going? And you keep chipping
Speaker 3: away different areas of their life and let them try
Speaker 3: and give you a window, like just something like an
Speaker 3: opportunity of just like, yeah, it works a bit tough
Speaker 3: at the my how come what's going on? And you
Speaker 3: just like just chip away in different areas. If it's
Speaker 3: your partner that you see all the time, it's a
Speaker 3: bit hard to say, you and grab a beer. I mean,
Speaker 3: it's be a weird thing to say to them, let's
Speaker 3: go over a beer when you see in the house.
Speaker 1: I'd be like, what are you up to?
Speaker 3: You exactly? Yeah, you gonna propose. So you'll notice I
Speaker 3: haven't given you a great answer for people with their
Speaker 3: partners because it's an extremely difficult one and I don't
Speaker 3: know exactly what the answer is yet. But small, like
Speaker 3: small chip in. Don't expect to just burst the door
Speaker 3: open with this incredible life changing question that all of
Speaker 3: a sudden they're in tears and they're telling you about
Speaker 3: their biggest fears and their childhood trauma and all that
Speaker 3: kind of stuff. It's just small little steps chipping away
Speaker 3: because what they're wrestling is something in their mind that
Speaker 3: they feel ashamed of, and when they don't talk about it,
Speaker 3: the shame grows and grows.
Speaker 1: One of the things that we advocate for so much
Speaker 1: on this podcast is just opening space for communication, you know,
Speaker 1: and not being afraid to have hard conversations, because I
Speaker 1: think that that's where so much growth comes from, and
Speaker 1: it's where you actually really form such a deep connection
Speaker 1: with your partners. If we're talking about having these conversations
Speaker 1: with your partner, allowing that space for it and not
Speaker 1: being scared to ask big questions. You know, that doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that someone's necessarily ready to give you those answers
Speaker 1: straight away, or you can't push the subject if they're
Speaker 1: not ready for that, but allowing that space for when
Speaker 1: they are ready that they feel safe to have those conversations.
Speaker 1: But I think that this whole conversation that we're having
Speaker 1: right now really lends itself to a buzzword that's been
Speaker 1: floating around in media. And also you'll see it a
Speaker 1: lot if you're kind of into reading about psychology, and
Speaker 1: that's toxic masculinity. I'm sure a lot of people listening
Speaker 1: to it would already know what that looks like, but
Speaker 1: you touched it on the head where you said, you know.
Speaker 1: It's this idea that we raise men and boys saying like,
Speaker 1: you can't cry, you don't show feelings, you don't show
Speaker 1: emotions because they're typically feminine qualities. And by not allowing
Speaker 1: men to express their feelings or to be vulnerable, then
Speaker 1: they're prone to express it in other ways, whether it
Speaker 1: be through trying to take back power, or it be
Speaker 1: through violence, or it be through other ways of expressing
Speaker 1: themselves which are not necessarily healthy ways. I was doing
Speaker 1: good of research on this recently, as a study that
Speaker 1: came out in twenty fifteen, which was because of our
Speaker 1: very traditional gender roles and the way that men have
Speaker 1: been exposed to this idea of toxic masculinity. Men are
Speaker 1: less inclined to seek medical help or to go and
Speaker 1: speak to a counselor or speak to a psychologist about
Speaker 1: their mental health battles, purely because it's seen as a
Speaker 1: massive weakness, Whereas as women, we are more inclined to
Speaker 1: go and do so because we traditionally, when you think
Speaker 1: about our gender stereotypes, we traditionally like talking about our
Speaker 1: feelings a bit more so we're more willing to go
Speaker 1: and sit down with someone and actually unpack and get
Speaker 1: help for the things that we need helpful.
Speaker 3: Totally, I think going out to add to all that
Speaker 3: is in my head. I'm just thinking about women listening
Speaker 3: to this who are really worried about their partner and
Speaker 3: how they can get their partner open up more. One
Speaker 3: of the most powerful ways to influence anyone's behavior is
Speaker 3: to model the behaviors. So if you're able to talk
Speaker 3: about things that you're struggling with, like the vulnerability thing
Speaker 3: we're talking about before, as soon as you make yourself vulnerable,
Speaker 3: someone is more likely to be vulnerable back. So by
Speaker 3: you just saying are you okay, I'm so worried about
Speaker 3: you or what's going on? I feel like you're really angry.
Speaker 3: I feel like it's a pretty cold entry for them. Like,
Speaker 3: but if you to start the conversation by saying, oh,
Speaker 3: I'm struggling so much with this thing at work or
Speaker 3: I'm feeling really insecure about this, and really, if you
Speaker 3: really open up yourself, it's like you've warmed them up
Speaker 3: a bit and you've kind of give them a permission
Speaker 3: and you've demonstrated you've shown them how you do it,
Speaker 3: you show it, that's okay to do it. So modeling
Speaker 3: it is the most powerful way to influence someone's behavior.
Speaker 1: I think something that I want to add and this
Speaker 1: is not a man in my life, but this is
Speaker 1: something that happened in the last few days with me
Speaker 1: with a female friend. I hadn't seen her a little while,
Speaker 1: and she texts me, you know, like, how are you
Speaker 1: what's up? Blah blah blah blah, like I haven't seen
Speaker 1: you in ages. I wrote back, I'm great, so busy,
Speaker 1: you know, how are you? She responded, yeah, I'm okay,
Speaker 1: and then continued to ask me questions. And then she
Speaker 1: asked me like five more questions, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I think it's just about being a little bit hyper
Speaker 1: aware and really present in a moment thinking about responses.
Speaker 1: And I was like, hang on, it's not really normal
Speaker 1: to say I'm okay. Yeah, I just didn't feel like
Speaker 1: it was great. And I was like, oh, hang on,
Speaker 1: like are you just okay? What's that about? And I
Speaker 1: just ignored everything else she said. And then the floodgates
Speaker 1: just opened and she was you know, there was so
Speaker 1: much going on and she obviously needed to speak to
Speaker 1: someone but nobody wants to be the person that writes
Speaker 1: to you and says, hey, can I unload on you? Like,
Speaker 1: as humans, we don't want to come and put that
Speaker 1: onto somebody. So I think as a friend or when
Speaker 1: you're talking to people in your life, I think it's
Speaker 1: just to be really hyper aware of small changes that
Speaker 1: might not seem like a lot, but like you said,
Speaker 1: with your friend with autism, there was a change there
Speaker 1: and you recognized it. And I think it's important now
Speaker 1: that we all know that if you know that it's
Speaker 1: a little bit different behavior for someone, then ask them
Speaker 1: about it, like you don't have to make a big
Speaker 1: deal about it. But I think it's honing on those things.
Speaker 1: And also I think like on top of that, like
Speaker 1: the more that we have these sorts of conversations, the
Speaker 1: more that mental health problems are normalized, the more that
Speaker 1: we make space for having conversation with our friends and
Speaker 1: our family members, it breaks down that awkward feeling of like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't want to ask them, I don't want to
Speaker 1: make them uncomfortable, Like it's because we feel uncomfortable. It's
Speaker 1: not necessarily about making them feel uncomfortable. It's that we
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable to ask the question. So therefore we can
Speaker 1: often avoid it altogether because we don't necessarily know how
Speaker 1: to deal with grief or to deal with mental health,
Speaker 1: and we don't necessarily have the tools, the correct tools
Speaker 1: to be able to support that person. Because it's one
Speaker 1: thing to open space for the conversation, but then once
Speaker 1: you've been handed that information, what do you do with it? Like,
Speaker 1: where do you go from there? And how do you
Speaker 1: support that person?
Speaker 3: Non Judgmental listening is the most powerful tool. And by
Speaker 3: non judgmental, I basically mean you don't say much like
Speaker 3: you just listen to them talk and you empathize as
Speaker 3: much as possible, because shame cannot survive empathy. If you
Speaker 3: have shown about something and someone gives you empathy for
Speaker 3: that situation, gosh, that must be so hard. I can
Speaker 3: imagine exactly how that must feel. I've felt like that before,
Speaker 3: or whatever it is. That's the most powerful thing you
Speaker 3: can do. There was research I was reading the other
Speaker 3: day that was saying that that's the most powerful. First
Speaker 3: step really doesn't have to be a psych or a
Speaker 3: counselor telling someone what you're going through and then them
Speaker 3: just listening to is huge but you know that feeling
Speaker 3: like anything you go through to the difficult when you
Speaker 3: eventually tell someone who a lot of tears involved, that
Speaker 3: feeling it afterwards like you have this like oh you
Speaker 3: can't take take like a deep breath that someone's like
Speaker 3: this enormous relief, Like you just feel a lot lighter
Speaker 3: because of the conversation you've just had.
Speaker 1: So Laura and I are so lucky that we unload
Speaker 1: on each other all the time, Like we've become so
Speaker 1: close that we'll be we don't even really need to
Speaker 1: be asked. We'll be like, hey, how I'm not good.
Speaker 1: We just like stuck crying, and then we just sit
Speaker 1: there and we're like that's cool. Let's just like cry
Speaker 1: it out for a minute and then that's it. But
Speaker 1: we're it took a long time to get somebody in
Speaker 1: our life that we felt comfortable doing that with. But
Speaker 1: I think it's really great to if you can find
Speaker 1: that soundboard.
Speaker 3: Yeah, how did that come about for you both? Like
Speaker 3: was it just one of you opened up one day
Speaker 3: and who had the breakdown first?
Speaker 1: No, I mean our friendship kind of evolved over the podcast.
Speaker 1: Like it's really funny for us because I think you know,
Speaker 1: from the get go, people assumed that Britt and I
Speaker 1: were really close friends, but we didn't really know each other.
Speaker 1: We met a few times and had been friends because
Speaker 1: we'd shared a common experience being the Bachelor, but when
Speaker 1: it actually came to starting the podcast, we really only
Speaker 1: had started to become friends. It was just that we
Speaker 1: had core conversations and similar ideas on things that we
Speaker 1: wanted to be able to have on it. Like we
Speaker 1: were like, you know, this is the stuff that we
Speaker 1: would love to be able to have a conversation about,
Speaker 1: and you know, we have different perspectives, We've have different
Speaker 1: life experiences, and then through us having these like really
Speaker 1: genuine conversations, like unpacking loads of different topics, attachment theory,
Speaker 1: love language is everything you know, and sharing so much
Speaker 1: time together, we've you know, become the best of friends
Speaker 1: as well. Like that's grown as a result of the podcast.
Speaker 1: But when you touched on two points which are massive
Speaker 1: to the Resilient project and the whole thing that it's
Speaker 1: been built around. You've touched on empathy and you've touched
Speaker 1: on gratitude. But one of the other core beliefs that
Speaker 1: you have is this idea of mindfulness now, can you
Speaker 1: talk me through what that means to you and why
Speaker 1: it's so important for the Resilience project.
Speaker 3: Yes, I remember thirty to nine o'clock every single morning
Speaker 3: in this school in India. The kids would sit down
Speaker 3: and have their hands. It looked like they're saying their prayers.
Speaker 3: And for the first couple of weeks, I thought that's
Speaker 3: what they're doing. I thought they were saying their prayers.
Speaker 3: And the principal said, no, it's meditation. And this is
Speaker 3: back in two thousand and eight, and I thought, oh
Speaker 3: my gosh, what's a ridiculous waste of time. There's poor
Speaker 3: kids doing half an hour meditation every morning before school.
Speaker 3: But then I realized something. It was optional. No one
Speaker 3: had to be there. Every single child turned up and
Speaker 3: some parents as well, and all the teachers are there
Speaker 3: and I was the only one not doing it. So
Speaker 3: we kind of joined in. And I remember, I mean
Speaker 3: I had a profound, a profound impact on me. And
Speaker 3: I go back to Australia. Remember I was at footy training.
Speaker 3: I was pleased to play football back then, and I
Speaker 3: told some of the guys at footy, I said, oh,
Speaker 3: you know, we should be doing meditation. And I'll never
Speaker 3: forget the look on their faces. And at that point
Speaker 3: I realized the way we talk about it in Australia
Speaker 3: needs to be different because all of us, not all
Speaker 3: of us, a lot of us, especially men, have this
Speaker 3: stereotypical thought that it's sitting there, legs cross hand the air,
Speaker 3: making weird noises like which it can be, but you
Speaker 3: don't have to. There's many other ways and mindlous. This
Speaker 3: is how i'd explain it now, and I know if
Speaker 3: you are anyone listening, if you are deep into the
Speaker 3: experience of mindfulness, I apologize if you find this a
Speaker 3: bit of a basic or simple description of mind but
Speaker 3: here's what mandfulness is to me. It is the ability
Speaker 3: to be just be wherever you are, to just be present,
Speaker 3: and we are so bad at that. In twenty twenty one,
Speaker 3: there's research. I was at a conference and a psychologist
Speaker 3: said this, and I didn't find out where she'd heard
Speaker 3: this from, but she said, we spend forty nine percent
Speaker 3: of our day thinking about the future, and we spend
Speaker 3: thirty four percent of our day thinking about the past,
Speaker 3: so we get around about fifteen percent of our day
Speaker 3: we were actually thinking about what's happening as it's happening,
Speaker 3: and we're not bad people, but you both know what
Speaker 3: that feels like. That's like having a hectic day and
Speaker 3: you just think, I just want to be at home,
Speaker 3: maming dinner with my partner or family of kids, whatever
Speaker 3: it is, and you're sitting around the dinner table and
Speaker 3: you realize something five minutes later. You haven't listened to
Speaker 3: a word anyone said, because you're thinking about an email
Speaker 3: you send the next day, an issue that took place
Speaker 3: during the day, or what you read on social media
Speaker 3: somewhere else, or even worse, we're grabbing our phone and
Speaker 3: checking stuff while we're having dinner with people. We just
Speaker 3: got to get better, and we're not bad people. We
Speaker 3: just got to get better at being wherever we are
Speaker 3: because we can't control the past, and we're spending a
Speaker 3: third of our day thinking about it. Worrying about thinking
Speaker 3: about something you cannot control is quite anxiety provoking, so
Speaker 3: its very nature not being present it makes us quite anxious.
Speaker 3: The only thing we ever have control over in our lives,
Speaker 3: the only thing we ever have control over, is what
Speaker 3: is happening right now, in this moment, right now. That's
Speaker 3: all we've got control over. But we're not showing up
Speaker 3: for enough of that time, and I think our devices
Speaker 3: are largely to blame. I think the way we live
Speaker 3: our lives is so counter to being present, you know.
Speaker 3: But I think the more practice and the only way
Speaker 3: to become more mindfuless is to practice. And I know
Speaker 3: a lot of people are probably practicing apps. There are
Speaker 3: some great apps out there. My favorite app waking up
Speaker 3: is terrific. Headspace Calm Insight Time is a beautiful free one.
Speaker 3: You can do that, but you can also do things
Speaker 3: like other people would say going for swim in the
Speaker 3: ocean or going for swim is my mandfulness. All I
Speaker 3: do is think about how the water feels on my skin.
Speaker 3: Or other people say running they just listen to their breathing.
Speaker 3: You can walk a lap of the block. You can
Speaker 3: pay attention to what you can hear when you walking
Speaker 3: a lap of the block. And every time your mind
Speaker 3: goes somewhere else, bring it back to your breathing or
Speaker 3: to what you can hear, or what you can feel
Speaker 3: or what you can see in that moment. As long
Speaker 3: as you think about what's happening now, you are being mindful.
Speaker 3: And the more time we spend practicing that the better
Speaker 3: we get at it. And I think we all know instinctively.
Speaker 3: I mean we all know when we're not present. You're
Speaker 3: chatting to someone and you get a buzz and you
Speaker 3: pogage someone's like you've got a notification, You're thinking, who
Speaker 3: is that to be this person? I need to check
Speaker 3: that or say it again. It's the only Thingay, we're
Speaker 3: control over what's happening in that moment, but we're not
Speaker 3: showing up for enough of that.
Speaker 1: It's definitely something that we have to make an effort
Speaker 1: to do. It's not something that's ever going to come naturally.
Speaker 1: We have to consciously say I am going to be
Speaker 1: more mindful, I am going to be more present. I
Speaker 1: am going to go to this lunch with my friend
Speaker 1: and I am not going to pick up my phone.
Speaker 1: I don't think we can just rely on it happening organically.
Speaker 1: It's not something that's going to happen organically. You need
Speaker 1: to consciously make the decision and action it because nothing
Speaker 1: in your life is going to change unless you make
Speaker 1: a change. And also that reminds me of bit of
Speaker 1: like when we had we did a really big episode
Speaker 1: with Osha Gunsberg around anxiety and One of the things
Speaker 1: he said, which I still remember, is this idea of
Speaker 1: like we go to the gym to take care of
Speaker 1: our bodies, like we work out, we have to put
Speaker 1: an effort if we want to have a six pack,
Speaker 1: but we don't really do that much conscious effort on
Speaker 1: our minds. And what effort and what work are we
Speaker 1: putting in to make sure that our minds stay healthy
Speaker 1: and that our brains stay healthy. And the reality is,
Speaker 1: like so much of who we are as a person
Speaker 1: and what we stand for and what makes us us
Speaker 1: is our thoughts. It's our mind, and there needs to
Speaker 1: be work that's done there to ensure that we are
Speaker 1: able to be happy and grateful and mindful and all
Speaker 1: the other things. And I know that this is not
Speaker 1: a new concept and we've all heard of this before,
Speaker 1: but just being really conscious about carving out time in
Speaker 1: your day to be able to better yourself, just to.
Speaker 3: Add to that, I think it's so true. One of
Speaker 3: the things that I have found really helpful is leaving
Speaker 3: my phone at home when i'm certain places I go to,
Speaker 3: if I go to the park with my kids or
Speaker 3: going to get coffee of my wife, whatever, it's just
Speaker 3: leaving your phone at home, so you just don't have
Speaker 3: a choice, and you'll notice about ten minutes and you
Speaker 3: get a bit antsy. You find yourself kind of going, oh,
Speaker 3: I just want to grab my phone right now. But
Speaker 3: after you get through that awkward stage of like I
Speaker 3: just wanted to be checking my phone, you start to
Speaker 3: just relax a little bit more and you start to
Speaker 3: just enjoy the feeling of properly. But it's just too tempting.
Speaker 3: There's so much there is so much awesome stuff on
Speaker 3: our phones. It's just too tempting. You can say to yourself,
Speaker 3: I won't check it for as ten minutes, but oh no,
Speaker 3: I am waiting that email. I needed to check that,
Speaker 3: And then twenty minutes later you'd like neck deep in
Speaker 3: Instagram and you leave it at home and just watch
Speaker 3: what happens.
Speaker 1: So what else can you say? We could do little
Speaker 1: or big things that we could change in our day
Speaker 1: to day that can help us. I guess be more present,
Speaker 1: be more mindful, improve our mental health, and just improve
Speaker 1: our life as a whole.
Speaker 3: If I said you've got to give two bits of
Speaker 3: advice to people that will help them experience better well being,
Speaker 3: I feel like for a lot of people. I'd just
Speaker 3: be saying, just get a good pair of runners, and
Speaker 3: don't go on your phone as much. I felt they're
Speaker 3: the two most basic, like exercise and getting off your phone.
Speaker 3: There's a story that I tell about this kid in
Speaker 3: India who whenever he saw something he was really grateful for,
Speaker 3: he'd point to it and he couldn't say the word this.
Speaker 3: The thh is too hard for him English as his
Speaker 3: third language, so instead he would say this. But whenever
Speaker 3: he saw something he was grateful for, it was shoes,
Speaker 3: Like he would go, so this this what he was
Speaker 3: saying was how lucky am I to have shoes on
Speaker 3: my feet? Some of the kids in the school down
Speaker 3: have shoes, but I do well. Lunchtime would come around
Speaker 3: and he would get some steamed rice because he couldn't
Speaker 3: afford lunch, so the school would give him lunch. He'd
Speaker 3: walk past with his steam rice and go this this
Speaker 3: this what he was saying was how lucky am I
Speaker 3: to have lunch every day? Now that went violved for
Speaker 3: a while. People are calling it this moment. People were
Speaker 3: doing hashtag this moment on Instagram and it went berserk
Speaker 3: for quite some time. A couple of scott Pendrobry did
Speaker 3: it on his social but AFL Football did it his
Speaker 3: so and then it went took off, and Billy Slater
Speaker 3: did it, and Caplin Baston did all these people did
Speaker 3: it and so it went off. And but what I
Speaker 3: noticed was I got tagged in all them. What I
Speaker 3: noticed was I would say ninety five percent of them
Speaker 3: the dis moments were people either out in nature or exercising.
Speaker 3: So I mean they did use their device to capture it.
Speaker 1: So it's like not look babysteps by steps.
Speaker 3: Yeah, baby steps. But Okay, to come back to your question,
Speaker 3: if I had two things, you'd get off your phone
Speaker 3: and exercise more. But I would say embrace vulnerability as
Speaker 3: a strength. I would say, just see any vom of opportunities.
Speaker 3: There are opportunity to be strong. It's a guy I
Speaker 3: do a lot of work with you players for Port
Speaker 3: Adelaide's name is Charlie Dixon. And he told me his
Speaker 3: story a couple of years ago around stuff and depression
Speaker 3: and you know, she was struggling. And I said, if you
Speaker 3: told your teammates this and he said no, And I
Speaker 3: said why and he said, he's the biggest toughest amount
Speaker 3: I've ever seen in my life, and he was like, well,
Speaker 3: my job's to be the tough person. That's not really
Speaker 3: my I said, if a teammate of yours told you
Speaker 3: that they were struggling with depression, would that be tough
Speaker 3: or that'd be weak? And he said, to be unbelievably tough.
Speaker 3: I said, why's it different for you? And about a
Speaker 3: few months later, it was a year later, he had
Speaker 3: the opportunity to talk to his teammates about what he
Speaker 3: was going through. I've never seen anything like it, Like
Speaker 3: he is getting hugged by every single one of his mates.
Speaker 3: They're all telling they're here for him, the support, they've
Speaker 3: all got his back, all that kind of stuff. If
Speaker 3: we view vulnerability as a strength not a weakness, we
Speaker 3: are going to break down so many barriers that are
Speaker 3: currently holding us back. And I know it's a big step,
Speaker 3: and I know that's just like I'm giving you like
Speaker 3: a cliche, but it's true. Anything you're struggling with you
Speaker 3: you can find the strength. And I'm not saying to
Speaker 3: get up in front of a room full of forty
Speaker 3: three men like Charlie did, but find your person like
Speaker 3: you two are lucky, you've got each other. Most people
Speaker 3: in this world will have one or maybe two people
Speaker 3: that can turn to to be truly vulnerable. Have a
Speaker 3: think who that person is for you? Like, have a
Speaker 3: think who is that person in your life who you
Speaker 3: know instantly when something goes wrong you think, I need
Speaker 3: to tell this person. Really, first of all, how lucky
Speaker 3: you to have that person in your life, and when
Speaker 3: you need to be vulnerable, when you're feally struggling with something,
Speaker 3: get in touch with that person and be vulnerable. I
Speaker 3: think that's probably if I could summarize everything you've talked
Speaker 3: about today. I think for today it's like, Yeah, vulnerability
Speaker 3: is a strength, embrace it.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for making time to come on
Speaker 1: the pod and to share. There's just your teachings and
Speaker 1: the things that you've been advocating for through the Resilience Project.
Speaker 1: Can you please tell everybody who's listening where they can
Speaker 1: find you and how they can listen to you. If
Speaker 1: they want to find out more.
Speaker 3: Now find me in lockdown so you can go to
Speaker 3: our website, the Resilience Project dot com dot are you
Speaker 3: your find links to my book, to the podcast, to
Speaker 3: the app. I mean, I do think the podcast is
Speaker 3: a nice place to engage in first, because, as I
Speaker 3: said before, it's very accessible. Ryan Shelton is just so
Speaker 3: I'm bleavely funny, my brother. He's just the most beautifully intelligent,
Speaker 3: insightful person. He's gone from being our tech person to
Speaker 3: now just being so much smarter and more intelligent and
Speaker 3: insightful than way are. So it's kind of become his
Speaker 3: podcast all of a sudden. But I think that's a
Speaker 3: nice place to start. But I yeah, I love that
Speaker 3: you guys are having you know, having you to in
Speaker 3: a sense advocate vulnerability, and you do it every single episode.
Speaker 3: Some of the stuff you talk about, I still can't
Speaker 3: believe you you do it, but it's it's.
Speaker 1: Your mind where overshares we like to share everything here
Speaker 1: on Life on CD.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you do it in a way that like
Speaker 3: the episode listened to the other day was like you
Speaker 3: were saying to people caught stiffies or bonus. I was like,
Speaker 3: I was in my head going going, I think it's bonus.
Speaker 3: I think I was like, hang a bit, why am.
Speaker 1: I no, it's a boner Laura, I think it's siffy.
Speaker 1: She thinks it's a stiffy, and I'm like, Bro'm living
Speaker 1: my nine or two on O like best life over here,
Speaker 1: it's Stephanie a stiffy I'm an eighties girl. Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you so much, honestly, like, I love the stuff
Speaker 1: that you advocate for and I love that the teachings
Speaker 1: that you preach. And guys, if you do want to
Speaker 1: listen to Hughes podcasts, it's called the Imperfect. We'll put
Speaker 1: some details in the show notes for this. And yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for taking your time today.
Speaker 3: That's a pleasure. Thank you for having me in it.
Speaker 3: And I've just finished with a very big hello to
Speaker 3: your biggest fan, to Lisa, a good friend of mine
Speaker 3: who is just obsessed with you.
Speaker 1: Guys, Hello to Lisa, shout out, shout out, and thanks
Speaker 1: for the kind words.
Speaker 3: Absolute pleasure. Guys, thanks so much for having me.
Speaker 1: You know, we never finished an episode without our sucking,
Speaker 1: our sweet, our high light now lowlighter of the week,
Speaker 1: that best and the worst, and I'm gonna kick it off.
Speaker 1: Come at me, bro, Did I say what it was?
Speaker 1: Suck and Sweet? Did I even introduce that segment? Just
Speaker 1: keep going, It's fine, Oh wow, it is called sucking
Speaker 1: and Sweet. I'm gonna gig it off. My suck actually
Speaker 1: I'm doing it backwards. We have strict rules, guys. If
Speaker 1: you're new to suck and sweet, we have strict rules.
Speaker 1: The suck always goes first and you finished with the sweet.
Speaker 1: But I'm gonna flip it around this week because i
Speaker 1: made the rules so I can break the rules. The
Speaker 1: sweet of the week is I'm like I said at
Speaker 1: the start of the episode, i am in New York.
Speaker 1: I did get to watch you Jordan play the US Open,
Speaker 1: and that is definitely my sweet. I think just after
Speaker 1: being apart for so long, and I love nothing more
Speaker 1: than watching him play. He's just very good at what
Speaker 1: he does, and I think watching someone you love succeeded
Speaker 1: anything in life. It's just it's a really feel good thing.
Speaker 1: So for me, that was my sweet. My suck was
Speaker 1: that while I was there, I got full on heat stroke.
Speaker 1: Like I was like pretty much passed out. I vomited.
Speaker 1: I was just like I just hadn't had any water.
Speaker 1: I was sitting in the sun for too long on
Speaker 1: this body and seeing the sun and wele so I
Speaker 1: got heat stroke and that was my suck. How did
Speaker 1: I not know this? How are you?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 1: Hey, I passed out at the US Hurry fins, and
Speaker 1: I just forgot to mention it until the end of
Speaker 1: the episode because it wasn't It wasn't out in the US,
Speaker 1: but it wasn't until I got home heat stroke hitch
Speaker 1: a bit later, Like it's like a cumulative effect. Wasn't
Speaker 1: til I got back home that Jordan was like, are
Speaker 1: you okay? Like you don't look very well, and I
Speaker 1: was just like, I am not okay, and that was
Speaker 1: the end of me. But it's like it was nothing serious.
Speaker 1: I was fine. He splashed the water on my face.
Speaker 1: I had to lay down. I had some panatole and
Speaker 1: that was it. I don't stress yourself too much, law. Actually,
Speaker 1: heat stroke's not something you're gonna get, is it? Because
Speaker 1: you can't go outside? That's too soon. It's not Oh hey, Brittany,
Speaker 1: fuck you too, Okay, my sucking sweet, my suck is
Speaker 1: talking to you, Brittane, don't love you. I suck for
Speaker 1: the week. We all know. I'm not gonna keep on
Speaker 1: harboring on about the current situation. That the whole thing
Speaker 1: is still pretty sucky and the never endingness to it
Speaker 1: is very sucky. But my suck for the week is
Speaker 1: not locked down. It is the fact that my top.
Speaker 1: The two year old does not eat like it doesn't
Speaker 1: matter what I do, doesn't matter what I cook. The
Speaker 1: only thing she will eat is snacks. And the only
Speaker 1: thing she wants to eat is like unhealthy snacks. So
Speaker 1: every single day it's a battle from the minute she
Speaker 1: wakes up until the moment she goes to bed. It's
Speaker 1: like she wants jelly beans. She wants like just literal
Speaker 1: shit that we don't give her because obviously, like I'm
Speaker 1: not going to sustain her, like my two year old
Speaker 1: child on a diet of sugar. She can't say jelly beans,
Speaker 1: she says Joline's. So now every time she asks for
Speaker 1: a Joline, where like Joline, Joline, Joline jolly, and it
Speaker 1: gets her really angry. And it's quite funny to watch
Speaker 1: you two year old get angry whilst you're seeing Dolly partner.
Speaker 1: Can you just starve her out? No, you can't starve
Speaker 1: them out. I just thing I just keep on making
Speaker 1: like a whole variety, like a plethora of different types
Speaker 1: of food, hoping that she'll eat. Like my kid has
Speaker 1: a smallest board a digus station every day and she
Speaker 1: just grazes from like a carrot, a piece of bread
Speaker 1: a little. It's so infuriating. It's so infuriating cooking actually
Speaker 1: nice food, which I don't even do for Matt or myself,
Speaker 1: and then watching her not eat any of it drives
Speaker 1: me crazy. So that's my suck. My sweet for the
Speaker 1: week is that it was Father's Day. We had a
Speaker 1: cute day yesterday. And when I say we had a
Speaker 1: cute day, we went for a walk and everyone was happy,
Speaker 1: like Emali didn't have jelly beans for breakfast, and we
Speaker 1: just got to spend some really really sweet family time together.
Speaker 1: And it was actually a bit sucky because like at
Speaker 1: the moment, the postal systems here everything is really delayed
Speaker 1: with delivery, so Matt's present didn't arrive. But we did
Speaker 1: get a really gorgeous big breakfast from a cafe and
Speaker 1: we kind of set it up and had like a
Speaker 1: little cafe experience at home. So that was really really
Speaker 1: nice and wholesome, and it's great to spend some really
Speaker 1: quality time with like Matt and the kids when we're
Speaker 1: not trying to kill each other. So that's my sweet.
Speaker 1: I did seem that your little picnic lunch it looked
Speaker 1: very cute. Indeed, just like it's so crazy to us
Speaker 1: that like it's now I mean two years of being
Speaker 1: dad and mom, and I know that that sounds so
Speaker 1: weird because like to you guys, you all know us
Speaker 1: now is like having kids. But every so often we're like,
Speaker 1: when did this happen? How did this happen? That was
Speaker 1: that two minutes worth it? It was the best seven
Speaker 1: minutes of my life, but now I'm paying for it
Speaker 1: cumulative seven minutes. Anyway, guys, that is it from us.
Speaker 1: We hope you enjoyed. This episode will be back on
Speaker 1: Thursday with Ask Uncut. If you have any accidentally unfiltered
Speaker 1: stories for us, slide on into our dms at Life
Speaker 1: on Cut podcast send us a DM with your Ask
Speaker 1: Uncut questions. You can send it through there as well.
Speaker 1: And if you have been one of those little naughty
Speaker 1: scaleywags who hasn't jumped onto Apple Podcasts yet and left
Speaker 1: us a review, please jump on there let us know
Speaker 1: what you thought of the episode. And you know the drill,
Speaker 1: Tell your mum, tell you Dan, tell you don tell
Speaker 1: your friends, Share a love because we love love. Oh
Speaker 1: the Bomber