Speaker 1: I had a question for you before we got started
Speaker 1: to please do you have a picture of your children
Speaker 1: or child as your lock screen?
Speaker 2: No, it's a photo of me and Laura Lucky.
Speaker 1: Why there's nothing worse than finishing a wank locking your
Speaker 1: phone and the first thing you see is those disappointed eyes.
Speaker 2: Back daddy, Why? Welcome back to two Doting Dads. I
Speaker 2: am Mattie Jay.
Speaker 1: And I'm Ash.
Speaker 2: This is a podcast all about parenting, the good, the bad,
Speaker 2: and the relatable and as always, just going to breakfast
Speaker 2: this podcast episode and say that if you are coming
Speaker 2: for any type of advice.
Speaker 1: Dear clear, you are in the wrong way.
Speaker 2: Turn around, wrong way. GPS has gotten your last you
Speaker 2: turn baby. But if you want to listen to two
Speaker 2: dad's talk about how absolutely hellish parenting really is.
Speaker 1: You've definitely come to the right and sit down and strap. Especially.
Speaker 2: Hey, before we get started, Ash, we have to give
Speaker 2: thanks to Lord and Savior keeping us afloat, putting food
Speaker 2: on the table and getting my rent paid. Big thanks
Speaker 2: to Then we've gone for.
Speaker 1: Your rent on the studio that we're in.
Speaker 2: We've gone for the original Yeah, the og we have
Speaker 2: the first beer they released. Let me just.
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, that's the stuff, cheers.
Speaker 2: My good friend.
Speaker 1: Yes, oh yes.
Speaker 2: Something I like about this beer ash is the fact
Speaker 2: that it's zero carbs.
Speaker 1: What's that supposed to mean? I'm directly at me, then zero.
Speaker 2: I didn't mean to no, no, no. This is for
Speaker 2: anyone who likes to drink beer and is, you know,
Speaker 2: being a little bit more conscious. It's eighty seven. You
Speaker 2: do look great, do you agree? Hey, for anyone who
Speaker 2: is trying to watch the waistline but still wants a delicious,
Speaker 2: crisp beer.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, it's only eighty one calories.
Speaker 2: Isn't it? Eighty seven?
Speaker 1: Eighty seven?
Speaker 2: Sorry? Yeah, which is I guess if anyone doesn't need
Speaker 2: any more encouragement to have more tins, monster, it's the tin.
Speaker 2: Has anyone called you that before? If you had a
Speaker 2: look at our Instagram, you may have seen me run
Speaker 2: a little competition. We hit eleven thousand followers.
Speaker 1: Thank you for that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, big shout out to I didn't think that would
Speaker 2: grow that many so quickly. But we were going to
Speaker 2: do ten thousand followers and ten cases of better beer,
Speaker 2: but then you guys ruined it.
Speaker 1: By the time we've got a shit together, and by
Speaker 1: the time this comes out. It might even be at twelve.
Speaker 1: So look, if there's an extra case laying around its
Speaker 1: home for it.
Speaker 2: It doesn't have the same ring to it eleven for eleven,
Speaker 2: but we gave away. We're giving away eleven cases of beer.
Speaker 2: And I'm very excited to announce that the winner, Ash,
Speaker 2: of my very first inaugural competition.
Speaker 1: You just picked it without me.
Speaker 2: Oh it's my friend, it's me, But without further ado,
Speaker 2: the winner is Stacy Martin. Well done, my.
Speaker 1: Friend, understanding, and you know what, low carb, no carb,
Speaker 1: low calorie. Hey, summer's coming, delicious.
Speaker 2: Eleven of the best headed your way right now.
Speaker 1: Congratulations and thank you everyone that entered, thank you everyone
Speaker 1: that tagged, and thank you everyone that's followed to get
Speaker 1: us here. Maybe twenty twenty twenty cases.
Speaker 2: I know it's going to be dangerous the more followers
Speaker 2: we get, Like you've just won a hundred cases of
Speaker 2: better beer, People like, oh God, putting better take them Ash.
Speaker 2: I had my race on the weekend.
Speaker 1: Yes I missed it. I'm sorry I couldn't come and watch, but.
Speaker 2: It was very very early.
Speaker 1: Also, I wouldn't want to come and watch because that
Speaker 1: sounds fucking boring.
Speaker 2: It was I mean, Laura for a second was like,
Speaker 2: what time is it? Could I bring the kids? And
Speaker 2: I was like it starts at six thirty road closures,
Speaker 2: Like do you really? It was fucking freezing. Sydney is
Speaker 2: Baltic right now, it's so cold. So no one came,
Speaker 2: which was a good thing because you know the result, Ash.
Speaker 2: But for those who are listening, loser, I lost.
Speaker 1: I lost someone up trumps.
Speaker 2: It was an awful race, so.
Speaker 1: Bittersweet for me because I wanted to see you win,
Speaker 1: but also I'm so fucking sick of this race, Like
Speaker 1: I hate it when we both go to some sort
Speaker 1: of I don't know anyway, if we stand next to
Speaker 1: each other, it's very obvious who's working out and who's not.
Speaker 2: We did that photo shoot back in the day in
Speaker 2: our budget smugglers, and I was pumping out like eighty
Speaker 2: kilometers a week.
Speaker 1: At the time, I was doing negative eighty.
Speaker 2: So with a tinny in hand and going just take the.
Speaker 1: Photo and I just get it over anyway. So now
Speaker 1: you can blow out like me like a normal dad.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Oh, actually there's another ten k on the twenty
Speaker 2: third of July, which I may I've been bitten by
Speaker 2: the running bug, and because I wanted to fucking crack
Speaker 2: forty minutes. Really, I gave it a note.
Speaker 1: It's just not an athletes podcast. It is dad Lee.
Speaker 2: So this is Oh, actually I'll give it a two
Speaker 2: week break, but then I'm going to come back on
Speaker 2: the twenty third. But ten k's you just redlining the
Speaker 2: whole way. My heart rate was at like one hundred
Speaker 2: and eighty two after the third k.
Speaker 1: That's crazy talk.
Speaker 2: It was disgusting.
Speaker 1: Look, I like to run too. I have a small
Speaker 1: little running community online.
Speaker 2: But what's yours scoring in the Legless is that I
Speaker 2: might change it.
Speaker 1: That actually sounds it's the Restless League because I run
Speaker 1: a lot for my mental health because I'm mental, but
Speaker 1: also I get restless legs when I try and sleep
Speaker 1: unless I do like a decent amount of running. And
Speaker 1: I thought, there's got to be people that do that
Speaker 1: as well. Twitchy Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, as you already know.
Speaker 1: But it's something very small.
Speaker 2: So if I was say.
Speaker 1: We wouldn't let you in because you harp on about
Speaker 1: it too much. It's all about those people that want
Speaker 1: to go undercover, just run for their mental health, get
Speaker 1: out there, enjoy the fresh air, not brag about it
Speaker 1: to everybody.
Speaker 2: I'm not bragging about it.
Speaker 1: Ash Oh, Laura rang me that, and she's like, he won't.
Speaker 2: Stop talking about it. Is this an invite only club
Speaker 2: or can you No?
Speaker 1: No, anyone can join, can join a big deal?
Speaker 2: Yes you can join me anyway, dads right now, what's
Speaker 2: gonna happen. It is going to be influx of.
Speaker 1: Dads all running the same page, like an eight minute case. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I got little legs. Okay, I've got trotters.
Speaker 2: You've got great legs. They look perfect.
Speaker 1: Anyway, you're lost, and you've got to get a tattoo.
Speaker 2: How do have a turtle? Fucking nightmare? But so I
Speaker 2: lost the rays.
Speaker 1: Worse for him because he's just clean skin unless he
Speaker 1: makes you get on your face. I need to get
Speaker 1: this guy's numbers. I can be like, dude, just do it.
Speaker 1: Get telling to get it on his face. He's getting that.
Speaker 2: It's been a rough week because lost the race. At
Speaker 2: the moment, Lola, she's in this weird phase. I don't
Speaker 2: know if you remember, because Macey's not quite there yet.
Speaker 2: Don't if Oscar did this. But she's trying to be
Speaker 2: like so independent, and she has this saying that. She
Speaker 2: always says a week, I do it.
Speaker 1: I do its like a small Batalian lady.
Speaker 2: I do And it's cute, but then at the same
Speaker 2: time it's also really annoying because like having dinner time
Speaker 2: eating pasta, She's like, I do it, and then it
Speaker 2: just ends up the floor.
Speaker 1: Did you have to say past and I just said Italian?
Speaker 1: Was just cycle on a Nona.
Speaker 2: She does kind of look like Laura is half Italian,
Speaker 2: so it makes a lot of sense. But even when
Speaker 2: it comes to like now she's potty training again. This
Speaker 2: is very cute, but she wants me to sit down
Speaker 2: and hold her hands when she goes to do number
Speaker 2: two and it takes a long while, like we're not
Speaker 2: just there for a minute or two. She's like her
Speaker 2: dad when she goes.
Speaker 1: It's not good for you to sit there that long.
Speaker 1: It can't be good for your bows, is it not.
Speaker 1: It's not good for your your piles.
Speaker 2: I try and rush. I'm like, come on, push it out.
Speaker 2: And even when it's she's like and she does like
Speaker 2: a two round poo, So she does it first time
Speaker 2: it's a solid size.
Speaker 1: And then I'm the plug poo.
Speaker 2: And then I'm there for ten minutes. And so what
Speaker 2: I sometimes do now is I'm like, i'll be back
Speaker 2: on one second, and I give her some privacy, and
Speaker 2: I keep an ear out because she's like daddy white bottom,
Speaker 2: white bottom. But she stops saying that now because she's
Speaker 2: now I do it. And one time she was in
Speaker 2: the toilet, I left her and I kind of got distracted,
Speaker 2: and I thought, shit, it's been a little while. Wonder
Speaker 2: if she's still in there. I wonder if she's still
Speaker 2: in there.
Speaker 1: She's falling in and.
Speaker 2: I wish she had she had done this monster sized poo.
Speaker 1: And pictures of your kids, you saw they are.
Speaker 2: She's tried to it's a little potty that's you know,
Speaker 2: it's not the toilet. It's just this little like plastic
Speaker 2: scoopy scoopy thing, and she's tried to put that into
Speaker 2: the toilet, and you know, she's so clumsy, and she's
Speaker 2: just like there's shit everywhere. She's imagine a two year
Speaker 2: old with like a little plastic bucket that's like full
Speaker 2: to the brim of shit and piers and she's like
Speaker 2: a little wobbling non her just on the floor. And
Speaker 2: then she's just like looking at me, like I do it.
Speaker 2: I did it. Oh, I mean it serves me right
Speaker 2: for bloody leaving her in there?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, Look you can't. When they go quiet,
Speaker 1: you're like, where are they?
Speaker 2: Oh? Doing?
Speaker 1: Like not quite whatsoever. So he's just like, I'm done. Well, look,
Speaker 1: you've had a rough week obviously, I, on the other hand,
Speaker 1: have been on holidays. And also, before I get into this,
Speaker 1: when did a relaxing holiday become so fucking stressful when
Speaker 1: you had kids? Two kids? I've got somehow we need
Speaker 1: ten bags of clothes, porter coots?
Speaker 2: Do you bring the classy? You bring the portercot with you?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Well where she got to sleep on the floor?
Speaker 2: Why don't you just leave one at your mom's house.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm not made of money, Matthew. You can't buy two.
Speaker 2: Sorry. Car seat? Do you bring the car seat? Yeah?
Speaker 1: One we took this time one.
Speaker 2: Well, well you're traveling with the bags and the car set.
Speaker 1: Don't get me fucking started. No, actually, get me started.
Speaker 1: They fucking go. So anyway, two kids, ten bags. Anyway,
Speaker 1: We had a seven am flight out of Sydney.
Speaker 2: Was it the cheapest one or no?
Speaker 1: We just wanted to get the hell out of here.
Speaker 1: I don't you know, just.
Speaker 2: His dad's man, you've got to be out the door.
Speaker 1: Yeah, thankfully. We'll go in to my parents. We weren't
Speaker 1: staying at my parents, but we're going to see my parents.
Speaker 1: And like the quicker we get there are quick, I
Speaker 1: can be like they're yours, you'd think anyway. So we're
Speaker 1: up at four point thirty kids out of bed in
Speaker 1: their jarmy's in the car and their army.
Speaker 2: I did seem I saw on you.
Speaker 1: He didn't get out of his army until after midday,
Speaker 1: but him and April.
Speaker 2: Did anyone say anything about because he.
Speaker 1: Had like his Nike Air Force ones on as well.
Speaker 1: So it was just like people were just like, fucking wish.
Speaker 1: A couple of people were like, wish I could go
Speaker 1: to the jums, Like no one's stopping your freak. Yeah,
Speaker 1: in the car in their j armis to the airport
Speaker 1: April's book, the parking, the furthest away from the terminal,
Speaker 1: which I was like, like the P three or is
Speaker 1: it three exactly? Yeah, mostly no Sydney Airport or any
Speaker 1: airport if it's not P one, it's a waste of
Speaker 1: fucking time. But P one's under construction at the moment.
Speaker 2: Which makes it a little bit more stress. Yeah, but
Speaker 2: it's also man, I've had many times where I've sat
Speaker 2: there looking at P two P three. P two is closer,
Speaker 2: more expensive, and you're like, do I spend the extra
Speaker 2: fifty bucks for P two or do I save the
Speaker 2: money and go P three. But it's an asshole of
Speaker 2: a walk with the ten bags. I'm not drumming with
Speaker 2: a portcot and a fucking car seat.
Speaker 1: It was a fucking g up. So we pull into
Speaker 1: the P three. There's no parking until like level fucking
Speaker 1: eighty pretty much in the sky. I might as well
Speaker 1: get on the airplane up it's taken off, and I
Speaker 1: was like, all right, let's get this show on the road.
Speaker 1: I'll go to the trolley bay, get one of those trolleys. Great,
Speaker 1: they're so good, those trolle except you've got to hold
Speaker 1: the handle down to move them. If you let go
Speaker 1: of the handler stops abruptly and all your bags come off.
Speaker 1: That's another fucking nightmare on its own. I've learned my
Speaker 1: lesson with that. But go to get a trolley, some
Speaker 1: dickhead has parked in front of the trolley base, so
Speaker 1: I can't get a trolley. So here I am from
Speaker 1: level seven. April's got the kids. I'm like, you take
Speaker 1: these kids and you go, you go leave me here.
Speaker 1: I'll deal with this marrying ten bags like one of
Speaker 1: those troops or movie like a spar like a sherpark
Speaker 1: up and you picked you even like you're seeing with
Speaker 1: the do if I had a donkey out of it.
Speaker 3: I've got a backpack, I've got two shoulder bags, I've
Speaker 3: got two suitcases, I've got a port and I've got
Speaker 3: a car seat.
Speaker 2: Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1: And it's six o'clock in the morning. Anyway, we're late
Speaker 1: for this flight.
Speaker 2: And I mean like not to not to paint you
Speaker 2: as someone who gets a little bit grumpy sometimes.
Speaker 1: But you know I was grumpy. There's no doubt. I
Speaker 1: haven't eaten, haven't had a coffee. Just we couldn't stop
Speaker 1: because we're running behind, even though I thought we were
Speaker 1: ahead of time. At what point did time catch up
Speaker 1: to me? On that drive? There was no one on
Speaker 1: the road anyway, So get there, Go to buy one
Speaker 1: of those trolleys, because you've got to buy them now.
Speaker 2: You don't have to tell this story if you don't
Speaker 2: want to wash I feel like it's got to get
Speaker 2: it off.
Speaker 1: Please sorry continue, Okay, go to buy a trolley tap
Speaker 1: my card cost me four dollars. Trolley wouldn't come out.
Speaker 1: Then it cost me another four dollars. Trolley came out.
Speaker 2: Oh shit.
Speaker 1: Anyway, I'm in a fucking feral mood at this point
Speaker 1: on the plane with two kids. We're on the plane. Great,
Speaker 1: we were the last people on the plane and we're
Speaker 1: bloody walking on the plane like people like carry out.
Speaker 1: Does that not shitty parents?
Speaker 2: Does that not give you anxiety? Because right now everyone's
Speaker 2: always trying to cram in as much as they can
Speaker 2: on the plane. And when you got kids, you got
Speaker 2: double the bag, so you got no space above your
Speaker 2: seat and your overhead locker. Like oh and there's nothing
Speaker 2: worse than having to put like one bag near seat
Speaker 2: for the other.
Speaker 1: Happened, Oh shit. And the thing is we were literally
Speaker 1: like in the middle of the plane, so it was
Speaker 1: like either way we got on the front or the back.
Speaker 1: It was going to be a fifteen to twenty row
Speaker 1: hike with these kids and all these bags anyway, got there,
Speaker 1: got there in the end. And it's funny when you
Speaker 1: get on a holiday with your kids and you get
Speaker 1: there and you just you're so happy that you've made
Speaker 1: the destination without either losing a kid or purpose of
Speaker 1: leaving one behind. You just get shit faced as like
Speaker 1: a celebration that we made it to the destination. That's
Speaker 1: pretty much what it was like. But I borrowed my
Speaker 1: mum's card. When we're up there, Yep, car full of
Speaker 1: shit full of kids got a flat tire. And I'm like, fuck.
Speaker 2: Your blood pressure, that's really rude.
Speaker 3: You should not be taking holiday day.
Speaker 1: I saw you was in the airport. I was like, no,
Speaker 1: you can't. He saw a version of me that was
Speaker 1: not me anyway. So flat tire. First of all, I'm like,
Speaker 1: of course.
Speaker 2: How did you know it was flat? Like was it
Speaker 2: like yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I was on rim.
Speaker 2: For people like driving next to you being.
Speaker 1: Like I think I was too angry to see anyone
Speaker 1: else other than the destination anyway. So changed tire. That's
Speaker 1: a nightmare in itself. Change time covered in grease, fucking
Speaker 1: pain in the ass, and reorganize the kids back in
Speaker 1: the car and whatever. Blah blah blah. Got the spare tyron,
Speaker 1: that little yellow piece of shit, dinky bit tire that.
Speaker 2: You can only go sixty k on or fifty k.
Speaker 1: It said eighty. I'm like, there's no way anyone's going
Speaker 1: to eighty k's on that tires, driving that tires flat.
Speaker 1: Oh shit, Oh my god, I'm just furious. I'm fucking
Speaker 1: swear and left, right and center. Anyway, my old man
Speaker 1: came and he's taken the tire to a tire place
Speaker 1: to get repaired, come back with fix the tire. All good,
Speaker 1: but all this time, and this is going to lead
Speaker 1: me into something else I want to talk about really quickly.
Speaker 1: I've just been swearing my head off and I get
Speaker 1: in the car. We're all sorted, ready to go to
Speaker 1: the destination.
Speaker 2: What happened?
Speaker 1: And I sat down and Oscar goes, fuck, that was ship. Anyway,
Speaker 1: That instantly reminded me of something else I wanted to about.
Speaker 2: You are such a bad and I.
Speaker 1: Swear so much in front of them, so does April.
Speaker 1: Those it was not all me, and this is what happened.
Speaker 1: It reminded me of this time we went to Fiji
Speaker 1: with the kids and April, of course, and we do
Speaker 1: swear in front of the kids a lot. We've tried
Speaker 1: to be better at it, because Oscar now points it out,
Speaker 1: so trying to be better. I'm just not used to
Speaker 1: having kids. I don't really know him that well. So
Speaker 1: we went to Fiji, right, and we're at this beautiful resort,
Speaker 1: all inclusive resort as it is over there, with the kids.
Speaker 1: And we're at the pool bar, which is like slash
Speaker 1: where all the parents take their kids, because why wouldn't
Speaker 1: you go to the pool bar the dream? So there's kids,
Speaker 1: it's packed everywhere. Oscar grabs a pool noodle noodle, puts
Speaker 1: it over his mouth, plants it up on side of
Speaker 1: the pool and just goes.
Speaker 2: Fucked sake, that's my boy.
Speaker 1: And I just looked at April, that's your anyway, that
Speaker 1: was my stress freehold. They just pick up me.
Speaker 2: They latch onto swear words.
Speaker 1: I know because they know the velocity and tone that
Speaker 1: you say it in. I reckon if you were like.
Speaker 2: They're like sponge and you're like, oh, bubble gum, they'd be.
Speaker 1: Like, oh, they'd be like, oh bubblegum.
Speaker 2: My biggest fear is that I drop Marley off at
Speaker 2: daycare and she just starts dropping the F word.
Speaker 1: I don't mind. I don't care. Look, I don't really
Speaker 1: don't care if he starts saying fuck you to people,
Speaker 1: then I care. Yeah, it's different if he stubs his
Speaker 1: tone says fuck, that's just a general reaction, and look,
Speaker 1: there'd be so many people out there and there listening
Speaker 1: going fu. My kids swear so much, and I know
Speaker 1: why because it's I couldn't be asked trying to manage
Speaker 1: my language. It's like when we're on the Today Show.
Speaker 1: Ape was like, just don't swear, which he didn't, and
Speaker 1: I was like, fuck you.
Speaker 2: Do you know what I love most about Oscar though,
Speaker 2: is that he used it in the right context.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it's all about context.
Speaker 2: Off the back of that being an absolute ordeal, he's like, Dad,
Speaker 2: fuck shit fucked up. And You're like, I should be angry,
Speaker 2: but good use of the word perfect. I wasn't going
Speaker 2: to tell the story Mash. It's one that's on the
Speaker 2: cusp of being too much. And whenever I'm unsure of
Speaker 2: a decision, my sounding board is always Laura and she'll
Speaker 2: point me in the right direction and makes But you
Speaker 2: know how annoying it is when you go to someone
Speaker 2: for advice and you want them to give you the answer.
Speaker 1: That you want, not what they actually Yeah, I.
Speaker 2: Went to Laura, and I told her the story and
Speaker 2: I was like.
Speaker 1: That's why I tell no one anything.
Speaker 2: To make your second guess. And I was thinking, in Laura,
Speaker 2: is that is that too much hoping? She goes, no,
Speaker 2: it's fine, and she goes, it's quite crass.
Speaker 1: But you know what, actually even know what that word means.
Speaker 1: So let's go.
Speaker 2: I should have come to you for advice. So my
Speaker 2: mum is here at the moment you met her again this.
Speaker 1: Morning, lady, get out of the shower.
Speaker 2: Yeah, for anyone who's wondering why they.
Speaker 1: Know your mom's not but it's like, I shouldn't just
Speaker 1: see your mom in the shower.
Speaker 2: No, it's me. It's whatever we needed to make this
Speaker 2: relationship even stronger. The fact that you're now sleeping.
Speaker 1: With my mum, you start calling me daddy.
Speaker 2: Did not expect this to happen.
Speaker 1: Actually, I don't want to be called daddy, want to
Speaker 1: be called.
Speaker 2: Papa, Papa, Papa. God, it'd be fucking awkward if you
Speaker 2: ended up poking up my mum.
Speaker 1: But be careful what you so.
Speaker 2: My mom is here, Laura. I've said it before Dancing
Speaker 2: with the Stars. She's in the thick of it. She's
Speaker 2: working her butt off, and it's been such an enormous
Speaker 2: help having my mom here. She leaves in a couple
Speaker 2: of days, which is very distressing, but during the day
Speaker 2: she'll cook a couple of meals, she does the washing,
Speaker 2: she does a quick cleanup. It's just the absolute dream
Speaker 2: as a parent. There's nothing more that you could ask
Speaker 2: for to have someone do those awful jobs. There's tedious jobs.
Speaker 1: Give her all the shit work.
Speaker 2: I'm not ordering her to do this work. She just mums,
Speaker 2: raised five kids. She gets it. She comes in, don't
Speaker 2: have to give it any instruction. She just gets straight
Speaker 2: into it, knuckles down, love it. Although we've had one
Speaker 2: issue so ash. No, Laura and I we had.
Speaker 1: You've been fucking.
Speaker 2: We had where this is going.
Speaker 1: We had sexy time, some action.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, come on, come on, let's not go. Let's
Speaker 2: not go yet.
Speaker 1: I'm better than that. You are better than that.
Speaker 2: I'm glad you acknowledged it. Sorry, don't you dare take
Speaker 2: my mother's name and rub it through the mud. So
Speaker 2: Laura and I we had, as you call the horizontal tango.
Speaker 1: You did dancing with this duff.
Speaker 2: Yeah, let me teach you a thing or two. And
Speaker 2: to clean up the mess. Afterwards, we use a towel,
Speaker 2: a full towel.
Speaker 1: Well sometimes because it's sort of messy. You're making well,
Speaker 1: the thing is, I don't want to.
Speaker 2: Know the thing thing is because our house is quite damp,
Speaker 2: so the towels don't really dry. So when the towel's
Speaker 2: like on its way out and it's due to go.
Speaker 1: In the wash, these r dicking balls on it.
Speaker 2: For one of a better phrase. Yeah, and also because
Speaker 2: to clean up. You get what I'm saying. The bath
Speaker 2: tower was used to clean up the mess. And then
Speaker 2: late at night. You know, I don't want to walk
Speaker 2: naked all the way then to the bathroom where the
Speaker 2: laundry is. So I've got the en suite in my bedroom.
Speaker 2: I'll just drop the towel on the floor and I'll
Speaker 2: deal with that tomorrow, right, So then I forget about it.
Speaker 2: The next day I wake up, you know, I'm a
Speaker 2: busy guy, ash I get straight inedo work, forget about
Speaker 2: the towel and.
Speaker 1: That I don't want to actually go.
Speaker 2: That night, I'm brushing my teeth as I normally do
Speaker 2: before I go to bed, and I then turn around
Speaker 2: to wipe my face to get rid of the water.
Speaker 2: And you know I've got a bit of toothpaste my mouth.
Speaker 2: So I grab the towel that's hung up in the
Speaker 2: bathroom in my en suite. I didn't wipe my face
Speaker 2: and more specifically like my mouth.
Speaker 1: That would took a completely different turn than I thought
Speaker 1: was going to go.
Speaker 2: And I think to myself, that's a.
Speaker 1: Work, that's a funky town.
Speaker 2: That is a weird towel.
Speaker 1: You do have dirty in your back.
Speaker 2: And I realize I've used that dirty. I mused the
Speaker 2: calmtaw to wipe my face. And do you know what, Ash,
Speaker 2: I don't know what wo come Ash. As always, we've
Speaker 2: had a few listen questions come through that we always
Speaker 2: try and tackle each week.
Speaker 1: Love it lay it on me? Do you I want
Speaker 1: some shitty advice laid on me?
Speaker 2: I never thought when I became a dad that I
Speaker 2: would end up having a podcast where I would try
Speaker 2: and help the good parents of Australia.
Speaker 1: It's not help that we're providing. I get that word
Speaker 1: out of there. It is not help.
Speaker 2: Question number one. It is nothing but pure dribble. Question
Speaker 2: number one, Ashton, Yes, do you as a dad judge
Speaker 2: other dads?
Speaker 1: Absolutely? I do see that I didn't even just point
Speaker 1: blank shit.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you didn't even look. No, look I don't try
Speaker 2: and go crawling back, you asshole.
Speaker 1: Subconsciously don't and do.
Speaker 2: You absolute prick of a blome.
Speaker 1: You tell yourself that you don't. Yes, But there's also
Speaker 1: a piece of you that you see a dad struggling
Speaker 1: with their kid, whatever the circumstances, and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I feel sorry for But at the same time, I'm
Speaker 1: like sucked in mother. So like this trip, for example,
Speaker 1: get on the plane, your eye secretly and just hoping
Speaker 1: for a worse behave kid, Okay, so I can look
Speaker 1: at that dad and be like, you don't know how
Speaker 1: to fucking do it?
Speaker 2: You know, was there one on there?
Speaker 1: No, that was my kids. We're looking at me. You're
Speaker 1: the shittest bro, and you look I think, yes we do,
Speaker 1: but we judge different things, Like I'm more like face
Speaker 1: value judging, not their parenting style or stuff like that.
Speaker 1: So I'm like, where the funk would you wear that?
Speaker 1: Why would you dress a kid like that? You look
Speaker 1: at him, comb his hair, shit like that. You are
Speaker 1: so sassy bit.
Speaker 2: Coming from the guy puts his kid in pajamas.
Speaker 1: I know that's what I'm saying I was that dad. Okay,
Speaker 1: in the world like you go in the world of surfing,
Speaker 1: for example, it's a really good example. They call it
Speaker 1: a kook. But it's not about what you do in
Speaker 1: the water. It's what you do in and around the water, Okay,
Speaker 1: what you do outside of the water. So it's kind
Speaker 1: of like if me dressing my kids in pajamas, there's
Speaker 1: two types of people that would view that. One is
Speaker 1: just like, that's fucking genius because it's cold, it's still
Speaker 1: need to find jump. Granted, Oscar was also wearing females pajamas. Okay, look,
Speaker 1: I don't have any right to judge, so let's just
Speaker 1: move on after that.
Speaker 2: I think everyone does a little bit of judging, even
Speaker 2: though I'm very much an advocate for we should never
Speaker 2: judge other parents because we have no idea.
Speaker 1: What they're going through. But that's not what I'm judging.
Speaker 1: I'm judging face value.
Speaker 2: I judge on like if I'm at the park, and
Speaker 2: there's definitely been scenarios where I've seen like a child
Speaker 2: who wants nothing more than their parent to just like
Speaker 2: play with them, run around the park, push them on
Speaker 2: the swing, and they're.
Speaker 1: Like that's boring.
Speaker 2: It is, it is. And you know what, though, do
Speaker 2: you know what? I've had times the park where I'm like,
Speaker 2: Lola Marley, run free and have a time of your life.
Speaker 1: Don't come back.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, you know, drinking my coffee on my phone.
Speaker 2: I've done that, like I'm guilty of it. But there's
Speaker 2: been times where I'm in great form and I'm that
Speaker 2: guy at the park He's.
Speaker 1: Like, whoa, daddies.
Speaker 2: And Monstone's coming for you. And then I look over
Speaker 2: at the other dads on their phone and I'm like,
Speaker 2: you're pieces of shit.
Speaker 1: But they're looking at you, going look at this fucking loser. Yes,
Speaker 1: the answer is yes, you can't help it. And you
Speaker 1: know what, if I'm judging, I'm allowed to be judged, Matthew.
Speaker 1: Question number two. Favorite song to sing when your kids
Speaker 1: are having a tantrum?
Speaker 2: H Do you do this?
Speaker 1: I've more or less done this when the kids were
Speaker 1: younger and just out of control in the car because
Speaker 1: they hated the car, not the tantrum. Throw a someng
Speaker 1: on and I was just like, I'm just gonna throw
Speaker 1: something on to drown them out. But I wouldn't sing
Speaker 1: like at the top of them.
Speaker 2: Oh no, Like, hey, don't get me wrong, I'm not
Speaker 2: belting out tunes and public to try and distract my kids.
Speaker 2: I am singing yeah, I bet you fucking would. I
Speaker 2: bet you standing there being like, oh, he's wearing those shoes.
Speaker 1: In the golden buzzerment. That's great, Welcome to Australia.
Speaker 2: No talent. But at the moment, the most common tantrum
Speaker 2: that I have on a regular basis is the fact
Speaker 2: that Lola hates being in the prem when we walk
Speaker 2: home from daycare. She hates it. I do it, Yeah,
Speaker 2: she literally says that. And You've got We've got so
Speaker 2: many roads to cross, and it's so freaking busy, and
Speaker 2: I can't trust her because she's a maniac. So I've
Speaker 2: got a strap her in. She's losing it. Maley also
Speaker 2: wants to walk, she needs to sit on the scooter,
Speaker 2: And so then I start saying, oh, I start singing Lola, Lola, yes,
Speaker 2: Dada eating cookies, no Dad, And it's it's a cocamelan song.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And it doesn't matter how tan for me that she
Speaker 2: is at that point in time. She'll always sing her
Speaker 2: lines yeah, Like it doesn't.
Speaker 1: Matter if she's like crack the code.
Speaker 2: Essentially, it's okay, I'll play the song right now, So
Speaker 2: in case anyone's not familiar, here's the song. Johnny Johnny.
Speaker 1: Eating sugar, selling lies, open your.
Speaker 2: Mouth and it works every time, works every time. And
Speaker 2: even Marley as well, she like can't help it. It's
Speaker 2: just like I thought i'd never like hypnotized by.
Speaker 1: Is it like a call and respond sort of situation.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so there's like in the song, there's like the
Speaker 2: parent and the child.
Speaker 1: This is great parenting advice. Hey, Cocamina, have to cut
Speaker 1: this bit out.
Speaker 2: Cocamelon is crack for kids.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, you put that as soon as you
Speaker 1: hear the Also Missus Appleberry, missus apple Bottom.
Speaker 2: Yeah you I've seen you've posted about her.
Speaker 1: That's good stuff. Mate. There's dad's out there listening to this.
Speaker 1: You know, there's dads out there listening to this going
Speaker 1: he is one hundred and fifty percent right.
Speaker 2: It's cocon melon it's a kid's cartoon.
Speaker 1: I'm looking for the porn parody. But Apple Bottom, it
Speaker 1: is no, no enough, And I was not bad either.
Speaker 1: You are an animal animal today.
Speaker 2: All right, we put a call out there. We had
Speaker 2: that little question.
Speaker 1: Did put a call out there, what.
Speaker 2: Is your child stolen? We had lots of responses. One
Speaker 2: was a standout.
Speaker 1: One was a standout, but I do want to There
Speaker 1: was a trend, a heavy trend on parents marching their
Speaker 1: kids back to whereever it is they stole something, from
Speaker 1: returning it and returning it.
Speaker 2: So honest, so honest.
Speaker 1: But I guarantee the people the shop were like, we
Speaker 1: don't want the fucking half chewed mentals back.
Speaker 2: There was a lady who, like, I think their kid
Speaker 2: took a scooter and they surely realized when they were
Speaker 2: halfway home, and they still took it back nights.
Speaker 1: That's a free scooter.
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's play on.
Speaker 1: Let's play on that.
Speaker 2: Do you read the story?
Speaker 1: You should?
Speaker 2: I read the story.
Speaker 1: I'm no good at that.
Speaker 2: Okay, So she says, daycare theft when the child's over
Speaker 2: three years old is next level. My now four year
Speaker 2: old son routinely whips out something and says, they said
Speaker 2: I could take it. Cars, arts and crafts, shit, other kids, drawings,
Speaker 2: a pair of girls, poor patrol undies.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, teach.
Speaker 2: This. He peaked. He peaked when I opened his bag
Speaker 2: and found two digital cameras, the ones they used to
Speaker 2: take pics of the kids and update the app. Needless
Speaker 2: to say, I had to sneak those bad boys back
Speaker 2: the next day without making eye contact with any child
Speaker 2: of staff members. Every afternoon is a lucky dip. They knew,
Speaker 2: they knew one hundred.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, this kid got a criminal on your hand.
Speaker 1: Lock that kid up right now.
Speaker 2: Not just one, but two cameras.
Speaker 1: Two cameras. What was gonna do with those two cameras, Ravo. Look,
Speaker 1: he could have just taken one, but he thought, you
Speaker 1: know what, I'm brady, I've taken two.
Speaker 2: I'm going all in.
Speaker 1: Also, the Shiites cameras, they have a kindie like you
Speaker 1: get a photo of your kids. It's so fucking yeah,
Speaker 1: this is twenty this is twenty twenty three. Okay, take
Speaker 1: a picture on your iPhone with live field.
Speaker 2: Hard says the influencer.
Speaker 1: Lives on. Use a ring light, Use a ring light.
Speaker 1: Poor girl's getting paid about sixteen dollars an hour to
Speaker 1: look after my kids.
Speaker 2: And you come and picking up busket being like, hey,
Speaker 2: just shit quality, just a bit of advice, Rachel.
Speaker 1: And stop posting that my kid ate all their food.
Speaker 1: And then you post a blurry photo of them.
Speaker 2: Shout out to anyone who works in early education. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Look, I could never do that job obviously.
Speaker 2: I don't try and come crawling back now, Ash, don't
Speaker 2: try and redeem yourself. We all know how you feel
Speaker 2: about people. We gotta get out of here.
Speaker 1: We do have to thank you, guys, appreciate this.
Speaker 2: This is the episode. I just want to say one
Speaker 2: thing we have had. You're on the responsibility of replying
Speaker 2: to people who message us on the Instagram. Ash loves it. Don't.
Speaker 2: If you want to speak to Ash, the best way
Speaker 2: is to write to us on our Instagram at two
Speaker 2: doting dads. But also, whilst it's great to have those messages,
Speaker 2: they're dead to me because they're not public. They're private
Speaker 2: the dms, no one else has seen it. Leave a review, yeah,
Speaker 2: make the message in Apple podcasts. Yeah that not a message,
Speaker 2: But write a review. If you're thinking about sending a DM,
Speaker 2: stop right there, put it on Apple podcasts. Make it
Speaker 2: public otherwise it means nothing. Otherwise, Park, we got to stop.
Speaker 2: You got to stop drinking beer some records because you're
Speaker 2: getting very angry.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, look I love it. I love it
Speaker 1: when you comment because it's weight. Then I don't have
Speaker 1: to go to the d ms. But no, do send
Speaker 1: us a dem if you want to send me a DM.
Speaker 1: I have been trying to get to them.
Speaker 2: You've done a great job.
Speaker 1: I went back three weeks last night and those listening
Speaker 1: me like I got the sorry message?
Speaker 2: Did people when you responded, do they right back?
Speaker 1: They're like, nice, try champ. Yeah, I got a lot
Speaker 1: of people. I've got a lot of nice messages. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Keep the coming, Yeah, follow, subscribe, review, share the episodes
Speaker 2: with the friends. I love it. If you did until then.
Speaker 1: That's us. See you later, see us