1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,120 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:11,119 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, Hello and 3 00:00:11,119 --> 00:00:13,200 Speaker 1: welcome to the Happy Famili's podcast. My name is Dr 4 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:18,040 Speaker 1: Justin Colson, flying solo today. Unfortunately Kylie couldn't join the 5 00:00:18,079 --> 00:00:21,200 Speaker 1: family stuff. This is how life goes sometimes, So every 6 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 1: Tuesday we do our very best to answer your listener questions. 7 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 1: Podcasts at happy families dot com dot you, or you 8 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,240 Speaker 1: can simply go to happy Families dot com dot Au 9 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 1: and use the easy to use podcast recording system. You 10 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,839 Speaker 1: literally go there, push the button and leave us a 11 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:40,760 Speaker 1: voice message. It's so easy. Dive into happy Families dot 12 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,520 Speaker 1: com dot you and let us know what your challenges are. 13 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:46,360 Speaker 1: We'll do our best to answer them. Receive this one 14 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 1: from Anna in Sydney via email. She said, Dear Doctor Justin, 15 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,720 Speaker 1: I have a friend who has a troubled son that 16 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 1: she has struggled to manage all of his life. He's sixteen, 17 00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:00,680 Speaker 1: one of three siblings. He refuses to go to school, 18 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,520 Speaker 1: has regular tantrums when he doesn't get his way. Yes, 19 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: they are still happening as he moves through his teenage years. 20 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 1: The tantrums could be for anything. From being asked to 21 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,240 Speaker 1: come inside at the end of a day, to not 22 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 1: getting ready for school, to recently punching his brother because 23 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:19,039 Speaker 1: he was asked to come home from an event. I've 24 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,440 Speaker 1: watched the family bend to his will. All the children 25 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:23,920 Speaker 1: have to go to bed at the same time. When 26 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:27,440 Speaker 1: he was seven, his older sister, who was twelve, would 27 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,200 Speaker 1: have to be in bed at the same time. He 28 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:32,920 Speaker 1: always has a friend to travel with them on family 29 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:36,840 Speaker 1: holidays so he doesn't become bored and destructive, and he 30 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:40,320 Speaker 1: does nothing at home. I worry that this troubling behavior 31 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,040 Speaker 1: and my friend's inability to get on top of it, 32 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,800 Speaker 1: is only going to get worse as he moves towards adulthood. 33 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:50,640 Speaker 1: She is at her wits end, and I'm heartbroken watching 34 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:56,400 Speaker 1: her try and fail. Any suggestions. Anna in Sydney PS. 35 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,880 Speaker 1: Not sure if it's relevant, but my friend divorced her 36 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:01,320 Speaker 1: ex when the boy was a baby, but has been 37 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,000 Speaker 1: with her new husband from a couple of years later 38 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:07,120 Speaker 1: since he was about four. And by the way, what 39 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:10,320 Speaker 1: a dilemma. It ties in with another email that we 40 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,920 Speaker 1: received from an anonymous person who said, what do you 41 00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:16,000 Speaker 1: do when your child is violent? When disregulated? When they 42 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 1: hurt you or destroy things if they're neurotypical. So we 43 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 1: go to try and tie these two together and hopefully 44 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:27,440 Speaker 1: find some responses that will be helpful. So let's dive 45 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,440 Speaker 1: into an answer. Parenting, as we all know, can be 46 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 1: a challenge even under the very best circumstances. But when 47 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:35,040 Speaker 1: you're dealing with a child who seems to thrive and 48 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:40,519 Speaker 1: get energy from defiance and self senderedness and chaos, it's 49 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,880 Speaker 1: like navigating a mine field blindfolded. So what I would 50 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:48,840 Speaker 1: say is, your friend has undoubtedly been on a marathon 51 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: of a journey already, and with this trouble boy just 52 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,680 Speaker 1: a few short years away from adulthood, the path ahead 53 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,440 Speaker 1: looks a little bit like scaling a mountain in a hurricane. 54 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:00,440 Speaker 1: This is a really trying time. It's kind of a 55 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:02,040 Speaker 1: time where you feel like you're supposed to be taking 56 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 1: your foot off the accelerator and letting them close through 57 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:06,680 Speaker 1: to the finish, like this is supposed to be the 58 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,840 Speaker 1: easier part. And yet time and time again I hear 59 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:13,720 Speaker 1: from parents whose kids are driving them absolutely nuts in 60 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:18,440 Speaker 1: their later teen years. They as they scurry towards race 61 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 1: towards adulthood. When you're trying to manage a child who 62 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 1: resists authority and who is selfish. They prioritize their own 63 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,840 Speaker 1: desires above everyone else and above everything else, and leave 64 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:33,760 Speaker 1: chaos in their wake. It's a strain. I mean, this 65 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,360 Speaker 1: can test even the strongest bonds. And it sounds like 66 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,320 Speaker 1: we've got some very patient parents here and stepparents who 67 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: are doing their best, but we've got a kid who 68 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:45,000 Speaker 1: is really pushing. So it's understandable that we've got someone 69 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,360 Speaker 1: who feels like they're at breaking point. But despite the 70 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,360 Speaker 1: challenges that are ahead, I think it's really important to 71 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 1: remember that there's always time to turn things like this around. 72 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,640 Speaker 1: Before this kid steps into the world of being a 73 00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:00,120 Speaker 1: fully independent man. Toothpaste isn't all out of the tube. Ye. 74 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,560 Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about this fully independent man idea 75 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,120 Speaker 1: again shortly, but let's just be clear on a couple 76 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:09,320 Speaker 1: of things. First off, hitting siblings and refusing to go 77 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:13,600 Speaker 1: to school and demanding friends be invited on family holidays 78 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,600 Speaker 1: all need addressing. But I feel like this is deeper 79 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,599 Speaker 1: than just a list of behaviors that are challenging and troubling. 80 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,240 Speaker 1: This is about the boy's fundamental orientation to life. He's 81 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,440 Speaker 1: lashing out, he seems to have done so for a 82 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:29,320 Speaker 1: very long time based on the email, and he's unwilling 83 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:30,760 Speaker 1: to contribute in the home. He just doesn't want to 84 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,480 Speaker 1: pull his weight. It seems like there's an element of 85 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,800 Speaker 1: selfishness for him. But also I'm reading into this a 86 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: little bit some indulgence on the part of parents. There's 87 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:42,599 Speaker 1: limited accountability, there's limited responsibility, there's a willingness to bend 88 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,919 Speaker 1: to his will. This is a challenging one. Recently on 89 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,680 Speaker 1: the podcast, we had a conversation about worst advice you've 90 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,039 Speaker 1: ever been given, and a number of people said the 91 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,000 Speaker 1: worst advice I ever got for parenting was that I 92 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,080 Speaker 1: need to break my children's will. So I want to 93 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,120 Speaker 1: be clear here, I'm not suggesting this kid's will needs 94 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:02,359 Speaker 1: to be broken, but we do need to work on 95 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 1: him being respectful to authority and recognizing that limits and 96 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:09,480 Speaker 1: boundaries and structures and frameworks and systems, call them whatever 97 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,520 Speaker 1: you like, are necessary. Someone's got to be involved in 98 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:16,640 Speaker 1: helping this kid understand how the world works, otherwise he's 99 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,680 Speaker 1: going to become a man child. And we just hear 100 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:24,320 Speaker 1: too many stories about men who never get past that 101 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:28,359 Speaker 1: selfish orientation a couple of things that we need to highlight. 102 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,240 Speaker 1: When I look at this, I can think of three 103 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 1: central challenges to overcome here in relation to limits and authority. 104 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:38,159 Speaker 1: First off, step parents often face a really tough job 105 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,240 Speaker 1: when it comes to laying down the law, even if 106 00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:42,080 Speaker 1: they've been in a picture for ages, which it seems 107 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:44,360 Speaker 1: to be seems to be the case in this situation, 108 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:48,000 Speaker 1: teens will hit back with that classic line, you're not 109 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,280 Speaker 1: my real parent, why should I listen to you? Now? 110 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,400 Speaker 1: I would argue the premise, but the reality is that 111 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:57,800 Speaker 1: step parent intervention can ignite firestorms. This really does need 112 00:05:57,839 --> 00:06:01,400 Speaker 1: to be if there's a co parenting relationship with the ex, 113 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,640 Speaker 1: if he's still involved and with mum. I think they've 114 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,159 Speaker 1: got to take the lead on this one because stepparent 115 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,839 Speaker 1: involvement is challenging. If not, then stepparent needs to be 116 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:14,120 Speaker 1: there as a backup and is right to step in 117 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,719 Speaker 1: and say, you know what. I know that I'm not 118 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,279 Speaker 1: your real dad, I know that your dad's over there, 119 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:22,080 Speaker 1: but the woman that I've married is my wife, and 120 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,719 Speaker 1: no one if someone walked into the house and spoke 121 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,680 Speaker 1: to my wife the way that you do, I'd drill them, 122 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,359 Speaker 1: i'd mail them, they'd be out on the ear, and kiddo, 123 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,440 Speaker 1: you're just crossing this line too many times. I know 124 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: I'm not your dad, but I'm going to step in 125 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,160 Speaker 1: here and draw a line. Now. I know that there 126 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,400 Speaker 1: are some people, those who are super progressive, are going 127 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,680 Speaker 1: to say a woman doesn't need protection, doesn't need a 128 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,960 Speaker 1: man to protect her. Fine, if you don't want that, 129 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,440 Speaker 1: go for it. But I've seen it happen time and 130 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:51,560 Speaker 1: time and time again when teenage boys are disrespectful to 131 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:55,159 Speaker 1: their mum and their dad isn't present a step dad 132 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,919 Speaker 1: who gently steps in and says, I know I'm not 133 00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,560 Speaker 1: your dad, and I'm not trying to take on that role. 134 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,880 Speaker 1: I'm drawing a line in the way that you treat 135 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,960 Speaker 1: this woman beside me because she's my wife. It makes 136 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,640 Speaker 1: a difference. And I know it's kind of a nineteen 137 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,560 Speaker 1: fifties idea that men have got to be there to 138 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 1: protect their women, But sometimes we don't live in a 139 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,920 Speaker 1: perfect world. Like the world is not perfect, and sometimes 140 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 1: kids just need that authority figure and they need to 141 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:20,040 Speaker 1: recognize that they've crossed the line. Cape second, a lot 142 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:24,800 Speaker 1: of people will assume that discipline and discipline's really needed here. 143 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 1: Discipline it means that we need to come down hard 144 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 1: and read the Ride Act to this kid and tell 145 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,160 Speaker 1: him to shape up or ship out. But that's not 146 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,679 Speaker 1: going to help. And the reason why is pretty clear. 147 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:39,440 Speaker 1: Rules without rapport a recipe for revolt, as well as 148 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,440 Speaker 1: that he's almost an adult and he's shown that he's 149 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,600 Speaker 1: willing to throw his weight around. So we're trying to minimize, 150 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,680 Speaker 1: not exacerbate tension. And if we come in all guns blazing, 151 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,720 Speaker 1: you meet fire with fire, right, everything just gets burned. 152 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,720 Speaker 1: It's a scorched earth. Policy doesn't work. So we've got 153 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,400 Speaker 1: to come up with a way to have the conversation 154 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: that's not going to burn the earth. Third, turning the 155 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:03,800 Speaker 1: tie on long standing issues is not a quick fix. 156 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,240 Speaker 1: So like when you're trying to shed weight that you've 157 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,320 Speaker 1: gained over a couple of years, you don't drop it 158 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,360 Speaker 1: all after one gym session or even a week or 159 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,800 Speaker 1: a month or more of the gym. It takes a sustained, 160 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 1: hardcore effort to build that positive change. And when I'm 161 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 1: looking at this scenario with this kiddo, these challenges are 162 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:27,600 Speaker 1: deeply rooted over time, and the climb is steep at 163 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,560 Speaker 1: this point, trying to get a lot done in a 164 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 1: short amount of time. All right, on top of the 165 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,920 Speaker 1: question of setting limits, there are developmental realities that we 166 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,920 Speaker 1: have to face. Adolescence as a wild ride, especially for 167 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,920 Speaker 1: boys got testosterone and the rise, it's cranking up aggression. 168 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,800 Speaker 1: Empathy is taking a back seat plas at this age. 169 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:47,200 Speaker 1: It's all about instant gratification. Like you talk to a 170 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 1: sixteen year old long term goals, what's it going to 171 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,240 Speaker 1: be like when you're twenty four? You can't even think 172 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,559 Speaker 1: about what's happening this weekend, Like the end of the 173 00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:56,880 Speaker 1: year doesn't make sense. Forget about it. Asking a sixteen 174 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: year old to think ahead, it's like brushing your teeth 175 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: while you're munching on lobe larone. It just doesn't work. 176 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,199 Speaker 1: So as I weigh up these questions, I can't help 177 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,360 Speaker 1: but see a troubled teenage boy who's facing some pretty 178 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,520 Speaker 1: tough times ahead. And it's hitting close to home for 179 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,520 Speaker 1: this family, if I'm being real about it. A bit 180 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:15,680 Speaker 1: hard for me to acknowledge this, but I see shades 181 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,920 Speaker 1: of my own teenage self here. Too quick to anger, 182 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,400 Speaker 1: too rebellious, a lot of attitude wagging school, feeling like 183 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:25,199 Speaker 1: I'm owed the world. It makes me tremendously regretful when 184 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 1: I think about what I was like as a teenage boy, 185 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:28,800 Speaker 1: because I'm seeing a lot of me in this kid. 186 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,160 Speaker 1: But it also offers hope because I think, over the years, 187 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,959 Speaker 1: I managed to figure some important stuff out and it's 188 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,800 Speaker 1: worked out well. So trying to beat entitled out of 189 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,160 Speaker 1: the kid doesn't work. Cracking down only feels their resentment 190 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,800 Speaker 1: and ramps up tensions. The old school eye for an 191 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,880 Speaker 1: eye tactic is going to be useless. Teens are in 192 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:47,160 Speaker 1: their own world that they are actually blind to their 193 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,800 Speaker 1: actions impact. I know I was when I was a teenager, 194 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:53,240 Speaker 1: I had no idea. And here's the critical thing before 195 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,800 Speaker 1: we get to the game plan. They have reasons for 196 00:09:55,920 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 1: everything that they do, and when we mirror there be behavior. 197 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,000 Speaker 1: When we throw it back at them, when we say, well, 198 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,200 Speaker 1: if you're going to be like that, I'll be like 199 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:05,880 Speaker 1: this to you, they go and play the victim card. 200 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,439 Speaker 1: They just cannot see where we're coming from or why 201 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:14,880 Speaker 1: we're reacting the way we are. Let's dive into the 202 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:18,080 Speaker 1: game plan. The game plan is like this, grant him 203 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,440 Speaker 1: some autonomy. The kids on the brink of adulthood, itching, 204 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 1: itching to spread his wings. But with freedom comes responsibility. 205 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,840 Speaker 1: So here's how I tackle it. First things, First, round 206 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 1: up both sets of parents if you can, If you 207 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,360 Speaker 1: can get all four adults in the room with this kid, 208 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,280 Speaker 1: lay out some snacks. Food always eases the tension. And 209 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,959 Speaker 1: if both sets of pearents can't be on this, you're 210 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:38,559 Speaker 1: going to need to go at alone. But unified's better 211 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,160 Speaker 1: than solo where possible. So sit down with your with 212 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,600 Speaker 1: his stepdad at the very least, and the dialogue goes 213 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,400 Speaker 1: like this. Now I'm going to walk through and explore, 214 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:49,439 Speaker 1: explain in power method, but it's a little bit different 215 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:52,959 Speaker 1: to normal because of the severity of the situation. Start 216 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:57,800 Speaker 1: with some explanation. Explain there's been some tension brewing and 217 00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:01,360 Speaker 1: it's been getting worse. It's time to address it. So 218 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:04,560 Speaker 1: that's a very short explanation ten seconds or less, and 219 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,800 Speaker 1: we keep it tight. There's been some tension brewing, it's 220 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,800 Speaker 1: been getting worse. We're here to address it today. But 221 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,480 Speaker 1: we're doing this with a smile on our face and 222 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:16,079 Speaker 1: with food on the table. Now we explore, So instead 223 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,880 Speaker 1: of laying down the law, let's hear him out. We're 224 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:20,600 Speaker 1: here to back him up, believe in him, and understand 225 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,720 Speaker 1: what he wants. So we want to dive deep and 226 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,600 Speaker 1: just keep on asking questions. What is it that you want? 227 00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:28,319 Speaker 1: What does adulthood look like for you? What does your 228 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,319 Speaker 1: next couple of years as we move through to the 229 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,880 Speaker 1: end of school and get you launched into the world, 230 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,839 Speaker 1: What do you want out of that? Do you want 231 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,360 Speaker 1: to become a dad? Do you want to be going 232 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,480 Speaker 1: to university? Do you want to be getting an apprenticeship? 233 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,880 Speaker 1: Where are you headed? What's important to you? If he 234 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,079 Speaker 1: sits there and shrugs and no, no, he said, well, buddy, 235 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,200 Speaker 1: that's not an answer, because we're here to have a 236 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:50,200 Speaker 1: conversation about how we can support you. But to support you, 237 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,280 Speaker 1: we need to know where you're going, which means that 238 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,520 Speaker 1: you need to know where you're going. And if he's 239 00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:56,120 Speaker 1: not willing to do the end of work, then that's 240 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,240 Speaker 1: that conversation. What are you going to figure it out? 241 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: Because this can't keep going. But what we're really trying 242 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,880 Speaker 1: to do is just listen. No objections, no our rolls, 243 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,760 Speaker 1: no complaints, just soak it in and then explore more. 244 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,359 Speaker 1: Make sure you're on the same page. Ask more questions 245 00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:13,920 Speaker 1: and then keep exploring. So don't rush this, just keep 246 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,920 Speaker 1: digging with what I think is the golden question. Eventually 247 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,880 Speaker 1: he's going to say something, he's going to make a complaint, 248 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,120 Speaker 1: and you can respond to that or better yeah, you 249 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,240 Speaker 1: can say, all right, I hear you. Is there anything else? 250 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:28,760 Speaker 1: The golden question in any exploration is is there anything else? 251 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,800 Speaker 1: Because what you'll often find with kids is they'll doubt 252 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,720 Speaker 1: your sincerity and then they'll throw something up, as I guess, 253 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 1: a red herring, just to get the conversation out of 254 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,360 Speaker 1: the way. And when you can respond to that with 255 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,360 Speaker 1: concern and say all right, I've got it, don't try 256 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,640 Speaker 1: to resolve that one right now though, Just jot it 257 00:12:45,679 --> 00:12:47,959 Speaker 1: down on the piece of paper and say, all right, 258 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:52,040 Speaker 1: so that's obviously a concern. Is there anything else? How 259 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:54,640 Speaker 1: else can we help? Where else do we need to go? 260 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:56,800 Speaker 1: What else do we need to address? Is there anything else? 261 00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:01,679 Speaker 1: When we do that, we make pro way faster because 262 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:04,400 Speaker 1: we're showing this is not a superficient conversation. We're here 263 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,720 Speaker 1: for you now. If he pitture his ideas, as you 264 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,959 Speaker 1: start to explore and explore some more, and explore some more, 265 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:14,319 Speaker 1: you're starting to move towards empowerment eventually, and if he 266 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,560 Speaker 1: pitture his ideas, that aren't going to fly. The object 267 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,440 Speaker 1: here is to not shut him down right away, just 268 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,720 Speaker 1: lay out what you can get behind, what you can't 269 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,680 Speaker 1: and why, and then offer another shot at other options 270 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:25,400 Speaker 1: and ideas. What we're trying to do here is to 271 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:28,760 Speaker 1: guide towards a future plan that he can feel good 272 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:32,440 Speaker 1: about because it's his and we're just there to support 273 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,199 Speaker 1: him along the way. Now, I do want to say 274 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,400 Speaker 1: this really clearly, finishing school, from my point of view, 275 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:41,679 Speaker 1: is a non negotiable. Finishing school is needed, research backs, 276 00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:44,960 Speaker 1: it's importance in life success and if you want to 277 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,040 Speaker 1: get into a conversation on this topic, here's what he 278 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:50,480 Speaker 1: needs to know. If you're a guy, I'm speaking specifically 279 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,880 Speaker 1: about men here, if you're a guy who's taking on 280 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,320 Speaker 1: the world with nothing more than a high school certificate, 281 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,319 Speaker 1: you are leaving a lot of money on the table 282 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,040 Speaker 1: compared to your peers who at the extra model and 283 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,120 Speaker 1: a bachelor's degree or a master's or a doctorate. There 284 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,640 Speaker 1: was a report tabled in the Australian Parliament Senate Estimates 285 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:09,720 Speaker 1: Committee Matthias Sinning who is a researcher at the University 286 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:13,080 Speaker 1: of Queensland, showed that if you compare the lifetime earnings 287 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 1: of men who obtained a bachelor's degree, you're looking at 288 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,679 Speaker 1: a solid fifty percent more on your paypacket than those 289 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 1: without that degree. Now that's not chump change. Plenty of 290 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,280 Speaker 1: people without a degree do just fine. Money won't make 291 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:26,400 Speaker 1: you happy, researchers have Philoso have been saying that for decades. 292 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,040 Speaker 1: But it does buy a higher quality of life and 293 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,640 Speaker 1: that get away to Queenstown with the kids, or the 294 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:35,040 Speaker 1: special anniversary weekend and a Balinese bungalow on the beach. 295 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 1: It feels much better. But it's only a light financial 296 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:43,640 Speaker 1: stretch rather than a painful financial strain. Anyway, back to 297 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,960 Speaker 1: the conversation with the young bloke, we also need to 298 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,640 Speaker 1: talk about pitching in at home and respecting relationships. These 299 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 1: basics are what keep the household humming. So I'd be 300 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 1: pushing for two more things. First, he needs to commit 301 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,320 Speaker 1: to either full time work or full time education, and 302 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,480 Speaker 1: he's got to start chipping in with board. Give him 303 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,120 Speaker 1: a heads up, give him a few months to adjust, 304 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:04,680 Speaker 1: and then ramp things up a little bit of events 305 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:08,080 Speaker 1: warning around expectations and then straight into it. Learning how 306 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:11,560 Speaker 1: to handle finances is all part of drawing up and 307 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:15,000 Speaker 1: owning his path. As much as you're in his corner, 308 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,360 Speaker 1: he needs to understand the stakes if he veers off course. 309 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,400 Speaker 1: Our goal is to stay clear of punishment, but he 310 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,280 Speaker 1: needs to know there are consequences if he doesn't stick 311 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:26,240 Speaker 1: to the plan that you've hashed out together. So that 312 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:27,800 Speaker 1: might mean that he's going to have to couch surf 313 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,520 Speaker 1: with mates until he pulls his head and shows that 314 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,520 Speaker 1: he's willing to have a go, But you'll have him 315 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,960 Speaker 1: back so long as he's willing to play by the rules. 316 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,080 Speaker 1: Key thing here, though, is that he needs to know 317 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,200 Speaker 1: it's not a punishment. You ought to be all about 318 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,240 Speaker 1: emphasizing that your care, that you're absolutely here for him, 319 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,760 Speaker 1: but for your continued support. It's time for him to 320 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:48,920 Speaker 1: grow up. And when I read over this email, it 321 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 1: just makes me feel a bit uncomfortable with the way 322 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:52,520 Speaker 1: that he seems to have been indulged over the years. 323 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:55,000 Speaker 1: Holidays with friends. Everyone has to go to bed when 324 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,040 Speaker 1: he does, even though they're five years older than him. Tantrums. 325 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,040 Speaker 1: I'm not keen on sort of going over the past 326 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,960 Speaker 1: indulgence is I don't think that's liking to delete a 327 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,240 Speaker 1: towhere productive. But let's focus on the big ticket items 328 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,760 Speaker 1: of stuff that really matters. If he's still chucking tantrums, 329 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,800 Speaker 1: if he's still making life difficult, you've got a couple 330 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:17,480 Speaker 1: of choices. I've outlined one of them. It's the big one. 331 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,360 Speaker 1: You have the conversation, and then you're tough it out 332 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 1: until he flies the coup. I don't think that he's 333 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,160 Speaker 1: going to stick around once he's old enough to spread 334 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,800 Speaker 1: his wings. He's just not that kid, especially if you 335 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,600 Speaker 1: give him that gentle nudge when he hits eighteen and 336 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:34,040 Speaker 1: he finishes school. And sometimes life's best lessons come the 337 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:39,880 Speaker 1: hard way. Option two suggests counseling based on what you've said. 338 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 1: I don't think he'll be open to it. I know 339 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,280 Speaker 1: I wouldn't have been when I was his age. But 340 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,440 Speaker 1: this kid needs to work through some stuff, and maybe 341 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 1: he needs somebody else to help him with it. The 342 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,880 Speaker 1: hardest thing to open is a closed mind. Maybe bringing 343 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,760 Speaker 1: in a third party can help him to open up 344 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 1: his mind a little bit. Option three is you push 345 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,359 Speaker 1: back and make it clear that there are absolute requirements 346 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:03,440 Speaker 1: that he follows or he finds another place to live. 347 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 1: He's always welcome back if he can play by the rules. 348 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,320 Speaker 1: You love him, But there are five other people in 349 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:11,040 Speaker 1: the house that have needs as well. So here's the thing. 350 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,600 Speaker 1: Most kids come good towards the end of their adolescent years. 351 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,280 Speaker 1: When you spend time laying out a series of expectations 352 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:20,200 Speaker 1: where he is taking the wheel, you're much more likely 353 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,480 Speaker 1: to get better results. Step in and take over if 354 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:26,120 Speaker 1: and when you need to. But he needs to experience 355 00:17:26,119 --> 00:17:28,800 Speaker 1: some authority in his life, and realistically, he needs to 356 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:33,520 Speaker 1: be man enough to hear and understand no. And throughout 357 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,440 Speaker 1: the process, it's so important that you reassure him of 358 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:40,600 Speaker 1: your support and your love. No easy answers on this one. 359 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,359 Speaker 1: He's not going to love what he's been told. That's 360 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,240 Speaker 1: why his voice in the process is going to matter 361 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,440 Speaker 1: so much. Maybe I can wrap up with this thought 362 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,880 Speaker 1: groundbreaking book by Richard Reeves. It's called of Boys and Men. 363 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 1: In this book, Reeves describes the idea of what he 364 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:57,880 Speaker 1: calls surplus value. The short version is this, a boy 365 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:04,760 Speaker 1: becomes a man when he provides greater value than he consumes. Now, 366 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,640 Speaker 1: if that's what it means to manner. It's the time 367 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,560 Speaker 1: that this boy became a man, and that's how he's 368 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:15,159 Speaker 1: going to do it. Provide surplus value, Provide greater value 369 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:18,320 Speaker 1: than he consumes. He's not there yet. This conversation should 370 00:18:18,359 --> 00:18:22,760 Speaker 1: be directed towards that end. Hopefully that's a helpful response. 371 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,560 Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from 372 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:28,400 Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more 373 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,000 Speaker 1: information about making your family happy, please check out happy 374 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,239 Speaker 1: families dot com dot you and hit us with your 375 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,400 Speaker 1: questions at the easy to use Happy Families dot com 376 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:40,120 Speaker 1: dot Au podcast machine. Just go to the website, click 377 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,359 Speaker 1: the record button and tell us what's on your mind. 378 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:49,439 Speaker 1: We'd love to hear it.