1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:03,120 Speaker 1: Every parent has copped it. The back chat. You get, 2 00:00:03,120 --> 00:00:06,200 Speaker 1: the eye rolls, you get, the anger, you get, the 3 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:11,200 Speaker 1: kiie of the belligerence, the disrespect, the attitude. Sometimes your 4 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,399 Speaker 1: child even refuses to comply with what you're asking, and 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:16,440 Speaker 1: it leaves you, as a parent kind of questioning everything. 6 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:20,880 Speaker 1: You want to be this kind considerate, autonomy, supportive parent, 7 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:22,919 Speaker 1: and the kids give you back chat and you kind 8 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:26,640 Speaker 1: of just think, no, no, that's it. You've just talked 9 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:29,280 Speaker 1: back one time too many, and today today I'm going 10 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:30,920 Speaker 1: to have it my way. And then we start with 11 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:34,680 Speaker 1: the backchat towards their back chat. Ironically and interestingly, what 12 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:37,160 Speaker 1: we call back chat might be one of the most 13 00:00:37,159 --> 00:00:42,600 Speaker 1: misunderstood aspects of child development, because how we respond to 14 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:46,360 Speaker 1: our kids' big attitudes and backchat not only shapes what 15 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:48,960 Speaker 1: happens next in the moment, but it also shapes our 16 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:52,839 Speaker 1: entire relationship with our kids. Today. It's a practical and 17 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,800 Speaker 1: focus deep dive into what really what really is going 18 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,800 Speaker 1: on when kids push back. We'll look a bit about 19 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 1: into white traditional despond fails and explore some strategies plus 20 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:08,680 Speaker 1: three really clear scripts to respond to backchat and build 21 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:19,240 Speaker 1: cooperation rather than breaking connection. Stay with us. Hello, Welcome 22 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,720 Speaker 1: to The Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions, every day 23 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,720 Speaker 1: on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and 24 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,679 Speaker 1: Kylie Colson. If you're knew to the pod, we're so 25 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,679 Speaker 1: glad to have you along. Hopefully you have been listening 26 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,319 Speaker 1: during the parental Guidance episodes and now that that's over, 27 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: I went back to I guess Kylie regular programming. We 28 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,399 Speaker 1: are so glad that you've chosen to be with us. 29 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:39,240 Speaker 1: We hope that every day you hear something that helps 30 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:42,720 Speaker 1: your family to be happier. Today, Kylie, it's about backchat. 31 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,839 Speaker 1: I was just thinking as I was talking about the intro, 32 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:49,040 Speaker 1: I don't remember ever hitting my parents with any backchat ever. 33 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,440 Speaker 1: I think that I've wan you you're laughing. Have you 34 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 1: read ridden in your childhood? Completely? I was an angel. 35 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,080 Speaker 1: Should we get my mum on the line, Mum, do 36 00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,559 Speaker 1: you ever remember me back chatting? 37 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,320 Speaker 2: We might be here for a long time. 38 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:05,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, But when I think about the backchat my mum 39 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,560 Speaker 1: and dad. Mom particularly, she would just yell back at me. 40 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,320 Speaker 1: She'd say, don't be so disrespectful, and every now and 41 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,560 Speaker 1: again she'd have a full on Barney with me. I 42 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,240 Speaker 1: remember she asked me to hang out the washing one 43 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:17,160 Speaker 1: day and I was like, I've got a life too, 44 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:20,679 Speaker 1: you know. And the lecture that I got. She just 45 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,720 Speaker 1: stood in front of me, She's like, you've got a life. 46 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 1: You're the one I'm paying for this. I'm doing this, 47 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,840 Speaker 1: I'm doing this, I'm running around here, and she just 48 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,000 Speaker 1: rattled off thirty things that she's got going on in 49 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,800 Speaker 1: her life. And she's like, and you think that I've 50 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,520 Speaker 1: got time to hang out the washing when you're sitting 51 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,480 Speaker 1: around doing nothing, because you've got a life. And so 52 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:39,239 Speaker 1: I picked up the washing basket the washing work detreat. 53 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,639 Speaker 1: Did you ever hit your parents with a bit of attitude, 54 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:43,680 Speaker 1: a bit of backchat? 55 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,880 Speaker 2: Oh yes, from time to time. I definitely did, but 56 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 2: it didn't end well for me. I was definitely physically 57 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:56,240 Speaker 2: punished more times than not if I ever pushed back 58 00:02:56,320 --> 00:03:00,440 Speaker 2: too hard. And as a result, it left me feeling 59 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,880 Speaker 2: this lack of disconnect with my own voice and trusting 60 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 2: that voice because it had never been respected. 61 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:13,840 Speaker 1: Oh wow, that's deep here, I am going on about 62 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:16,160 Speaker 1: mum ranting at me, and you've just hit us with 63 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,920 Speaker 1: a big one straight up, and so let me let 64 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 1: me just get my head around that. So, what you're 65 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:25,480 Speaker 1: saying is because when you would clap back at your 66 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,519 Speaker 1: parents because you didn't like what they were asking of you, 67 00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:31,280 Speaker 1: or it felt unfair or you felt overwhelmed, they wouldn't 68 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:32,840 Speaker 1: listen to your voice, and so you learned not to 69 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:33,640 Speaker 1: trust your voice. 70 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, one hundred percent. 71 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 1: Gosh, that's great. I mean, it's not great that it happened, 72 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,400 Speaker 1: but that's so eloquent the way you've said that. 73 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:44,840 Speaker 2: Well, undoing that has taken years. Right, I'm almost fifty 74 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,720 Speaker 2: years of age and only now. 75 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 1: Really, I love that you're uncomfortable, love that you're in 76 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 1: your mid forties and you keep on saying that you're 77 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,280 Speaker 1: almost fifty years of age. 78 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:56,640 Speaker 2: You're just around the corner, just around the corner. But 79 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:58,160 Speaker 2: I was listening to what you were saying in the 80 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,920 Speaker 2: beginning and just the acknowledgment that is, and we actually 81 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:08,160 Speaker 2: we see our kids' backchat as so inconvenient, and I'm 82 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,920 Speaker 2: so disrespectful and so disrespectful, and yet as you were talking, 83 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:16,760 Speaker 2: as hard as it is, it's actually a gift, It's 84 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,280 Speaker 2: an absolute gift off Our kids feel like they can 85 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,960 Speaker 2: push back against us if they feel like their safety 86 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:27,280 Speaker 2: in being able to share their viewpoint, no matter how 87 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 2: lacking in maturity. 88 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 1: And I can just hear parents thinking, I really liked 89 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,560 Speaker 1: what you said before, Kylie, but you've just said that 90 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,680 Speaker 1: backs a gift, and they can take that gift and 91 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,359 Speaker 1: go get a refund on it. I don't want that 92 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,200 Speaker 1: gift in my house. Get rid of it. 93 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 2: I guess, coming from where I've come from, one of 94 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,560 Speaker 2: the things that I never wanted our children to experience 95 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 2: was to not be able to trust their own voice, 96 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,760 Speaker 2: to not feel like the big people in the room 97 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,120 Speaker 2: valued them and loved them enough to listen even when 98 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:59,960 Speaker 2: it's hard. And as a result, we've tried to raise 99 00:05:00,279 --> 00:05:03,840 Speaker 2: kids who have been given a voice even when it's 100 00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:05,240 Speaker 2: been inconvenience. 101 00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:05,640 Speaker 1: So inconvenient. 102 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,359 Speaker 2: We've taught them to question, We've taught them to be curious. 103 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:13,720 Speaker 2: We've taught them to actually push against authority for authority's sake, 104 00:05:13,839 --> 00:05:18,600 Speaker 2: like we've taught them so many beautiful, valuable lessons. 105 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, the school teachers haven't appreciated that last. 106 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:24,919 Speaker 2: One, No, they haven't. But the conversations that have resulted 107 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,560 Speaker 2: when we've been willing to get curious not furious in 108 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:32,239 Speaker 2: those moments has been it has been a gift. 109 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:37,800 Speaker 1: Okay. So I want to talk about three things around 110 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:41,920 Speaker 1: how we're misunderstanding the quote unquote gift to use your 111 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,200 Speaker 1: term of back chat, and then I want to go 112 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,560 Speaker 1: through a couple of scripts that are going to be really, 113 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:50,720 Speaker 1: really helpful when your child is pushing back. Okay, the 114 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,200 Speaker 1: scripts are really what matter. All that's coming up in 115 00:05:53,279 --> 00:06:03,400 Speaker 1: just a sec on the Happy Families podcast. Okay, Kylie. 116 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,679 Speaker 1: The first thing that I want to do is challenge 117 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,800 Speaker 1: the assumption that backchat's problematic. You've already highlighted and challenged 118 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,120 Speaker 1: it in your own way using the term it's a gift. 119 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:14,000 Speaker 1: You and I did not confer about our ideas on 120 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 1: this topic, but we've both landed in the same place. 121 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,280 Speaker 1: You're saying it's a gift. I'm saying, let's challenge the 122 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:22,800 Speaker 1: assumption that's problematic. Definitely it can be disrespectful. Definitely it 123 00:06:22,839 --> 00:06:23,520 Speaker 1: can be, but the. 124 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,400 Speaker 2: Disrespect comes from a lack of maturity and a lack 125 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,280 Speaker 2: of understanding of how this works. Correct, So they haven't 126 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:30,720 Speaker 2: learned how to use their voice. 127 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:34,120 Speaker 1: I would prefer to reframe the word disrespectful as clumsy. 128 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:34,559 Speaker 2: Yeah. 129 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,800 Speaker 1: Now, sometimes the kids are being really argumentative, and they 130 00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:40,880 Speaker 1: really are pointed because they're passionate, right correct. But if 131 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:44,600 Speaker 1: they knew how, if they knew how to respond in healthier, 132 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 1: more adaptive, collaborative ways, they would. But as you know, 133 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:52,279 Speaker 1: high emotions equals low intelligence, kids respond to their big 134 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:55,800 Speaker 1: emotions with a little bit of dysregulation. I look at 135 00:06:55,839 --> 00:07:00,279 Speaker 1: backchat as an opportunity to build trust in the relationship. 136 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,560 Speaker 1: So my definition of trust, as you probably recall, trust 137 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:05,839 Speaker 1: is believing that the other person is going to act 138 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:08,920 Speaker 1: in your best interests. So when your child comes at 139 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 1: you with a whole lot of backchat, a whole lot 140 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,720 Speaker 1: of you're the worst, it's unfair, you don't never listen 141 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:18,480 Speaker 1: to me, that's literally an opportunity for us to build 142 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:20,880 Speaker 1: trust with them. And I want to talk about three 143 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:21,760 Speaker 1: ways we can do that. 144 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:23,520 Speaker 2: So what's the first idea? 145 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,360 Speaker 1: So the first one is something that I actually learned 146 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:26,960 Speaker 1: from you years ago, and that is to listen for 147 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 1: the underlying need when our children are having big emotions, 148 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:31,360 Speaker 1: when our children are having tanskerments, when our children are 149 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 1: giving us backchat, there's an unmet need there. Knowing what 150 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:38,400 Speaker 1: we know about basic psychological needs, there's the relatedness need. 151 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:42,520 Speaker 1: There's the competence need, and there's the autonomy need. It 152 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,920 Speaker 1: could be any of those three. So we ask our 153 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,840 Speaker 1: children to do something, whether it's getting the car, go 154 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:51,000 Speaker 1: to bed, eat their dinner, pick up their towel, look 155 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:54,200 Speaker 1: after their sister, walk the dog, pick up the dog 156 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,240 Speaker 1: pill in the backyard, it doesn't matter what it is. 157 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,240 Speaker 1: If our children are pushing back, it could be that 158 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,760 Speaker 1: they feel a little bit lonely, they feel like they're disconnected, 159 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,800 Speaker 1: they feel like the relationships just aren't strong. They're not 160 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,440 Speaker 1: feeling seen, hurt and valued. So it could be a 161 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:11,640 Speaker 1: relationship issue. My suggestion is, more often than not, it's 162 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,840 Speaker 1: going to be a control issue. They want more autonomy 163 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 1: and we're constantly telling them what to do, and if 164 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,480 Speaker 1: we gave them a little bit more choice around it. Hey, guys, 165 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,800 Speaker 1: dishes need to be done. I'm heading out to take 166 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:25,160 Speaker 1: care of this chore. So long as when I get back, 167 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,680 Speaker 1: they're done. I don't mind when you do it. Now 168 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,400 Speaker 1: they've got a sense of autonomy and you fist, pump cool. Okay, 169 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:31,920 Speaker 1: it's up to you when it gets done. I'll be 170 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,160 Speaker 1: back in twenty five minutes. I'll see you soon. So 171 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:38,080 Speaker 1: it's that kind of autonomy thing. And sometimes they'll actually 172 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,560 Speaker 1: be muttering under their breath or giving you a serve 173 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:43,920 Speaker 1: because they don't know how to do it. They're actually 174 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,719 Speaker 1: feel incompetent. They feel like cleaning up their bedroom right 175 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,000 Speaker 1: now when they're only six years old and it's a 176 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,000 Speaker 1: massive mess and hasn't been cleaned for three weeks. It's 177 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 1: just too big for them. 178 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:52,720 Speaker 2: Well, it's overwhelmed. 179 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:56,400 Speaker 1: It's overwhelmed. Yeah, that's right. So I actually think that 180 00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:00,040 Speaker 1: when kids aren't feeling heard, when they're feeling controlled, and 181 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:06,679 Speaker 1: the feeling overwhelmed those basic psychological needs. This is what 182 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:10,760 Speaker 1: happens when needs are thwarted and frustrated. They're not necessarily 183 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:14,200 Speaker 1: being defiant, they're just struggling to figure out how to 184 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 1: do it. The second one, I think we've got to 185 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,319 Speaker 1: examine the power dynamic. And what I mean by that 186 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,520 Speaker 1: is so there's a word that I use all the 187 00:09:21,559 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 1: time on the podcast autonomy supportive, which is technically the 188 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:29,319 Speaker 1: opposite of controlling. The fancy word for being controlling is heteronomous. Okay, 189 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,000 Speaker 1: so if we're going to be heteronomous, what we're really 190 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:35,080 Speaker 1: saying is I want you to defer to my authority. 191 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,679 Speaker 1: I want you to listen to me because I am 192 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,920 Speaker 1: the parent. And if we really explore power dynamics here, 193 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:43,760 Speaker 1: when a child claps back, when a child resists, when 194 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 1: a child gives a whole lot of backchat, this is 195 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:51,240 Speaker 1: a potential, depending on how emotional they are, potentially perfect 196 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,319 Speaker 1: opportunity to step into a really simple three y's conversation. 197 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,480 Speaker 1: Got a script about that coming up in just a 198 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:59,200 Speaker 1: sec and it's like a ten second script. This is 199 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:02,280 Speaker 1: a problem solving opportunity. It's not an opportunity to assert 200 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,640 Speaker 1: your authority and go off your brain about how ungrateful 201 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 1: and entitled your kids are. It's a genuine chance to 202 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,439 Speaker 1: examine the power dynamic and. 203 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:15,199 Speaker 2: I just love that justinism of yours. Get curious, not furious, 204 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,200 Speaker 2: because at the time, the natural instinct in us is 205 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:20,760 Speaker 2: to come down hard. 206 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,200 Speaker 1: I think my mum did the washing line, yeah. 207 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:26,120 Speaker 2: And give them a lecture, or worse, we actually need 208 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,960 Speaker 2: to get curious. What's number three? 209 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,120 Speaker 1: So the third one is that we need to model 210 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,200 Speaker 1: the communication that we want to see. If we do 211 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,880 Speaker 1: not like our child's disrespect, if we don't like the 212 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:39,520 Speaker 1: way our child is pushing back at what we've asked. 213 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:43,280 Speaker 1: Quite often, I hear parents do things like this, don't 214 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:46,400 Speaker 1: you be so disrespectful to me? And they say to 215 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,880 Speaker 1: the most disrespectful tone, or they say, you need to 216 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:53,560 Speaker 1: get your emotions under control, so help me, they'll be trouble. 217 00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:55,960 Speaker 1: It's like, oh, my goodness. I mean, like, if you 218 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,599 Speaker 1: want your kids to be regulated, you've got to be 219 00:10:57,679 --> 00:10:59,960 Speaker 1: regulated yourself. If you want your kids to be respectful, 220 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:03,960 Speaker 1: you've got to be respectful yourself. Dysregulation in a parent 221 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:07,440 Speaker 1: never led to a highly regulated child, or well sometimes 222 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:10,080 Speaker 1: it can in your case, right, Like you just learned 223 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,080 Speaker 1: to toe the line. But it didn't build the relationship. 224 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,440 Speaker 1: In fact, it broke the relationship. It was really unhealthy. 225 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:20,040 Speaker 1: It undermined trust, and you were simply complying because you 226 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:20,440 Speaker 1: had to. 227 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,640 Speaker 2: So you cheose this at the beginning that you've got 228 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,520 Speaker 2: some scripts that's going to help make this process easy 229 00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:27,240 Speaker 2: for parents. 230 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:29,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, what have you got for us? I want to 231 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,839 Speaker 1: go through them, and I think that they're really really 232 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:36,000 Speaker 1: easy to implement. The first script is as simple as 233 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,200 Speaker 1: saying something like, sometimes it feels like I'm your enemy, 234 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,600 Speaker 1: doesn't it? And so what you're doing is you're actually 235 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,920 Speaker 1: you're just saying how they feel. You're not telling that 236 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,360 Speaker 1: they're right or wrong. You're just saying, sometimes it feels 237 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,240 Speaker 1: like I'm against you all day every day, doesn't it. 238 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,400 Speaker 1: Sometimes it feels like I just give your stuff to 239 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:54,560 Speaker 1: push against and it never feels fair. You just say 240 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:59,240 Speaker 1: it and your child goes, yeah. 241 00:11:58,760 --> 00:11:59,960 Speaker 2: It's exactly how I'm feeling. 242 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,320 Speaker 1: And as soon as they get that release where they 243 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:06,440 Speaker 1: get to say yes, I do, you get to say, Okay, well, 244 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,080 Speaker 1: why don't we have a chat about that and see 245 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,520 Speaker 1: if we can come up with a solution. So it's 246 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:14,320 Speaker 1: a validation statement. Another way of doing it is to 247 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,000 Speaker 1: give your child in fantasy what they can't have in reality. 248 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,400 Speaker 2: And so this screw you wish that I never asked 249 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:20,839 Speaker 2: you to do the dishes, that you could just sit 250 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,120 Speaker 2: in front of the TV all night. 251 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 1: Don't you just wish the dishes to wash themselves? Yeah, 252 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,960 Speaker 1: wouldn't it be great if we had one of those houses? 253 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:27,320 Speaker 2: Yes? 254 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,720 Speaker 1: Please? That does everything for you. I mean, they don't exist, 255 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,400 Speaker 1: but wouldn't it be great if we had one of them? 256 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,600 Speaker 1: And so giving your child in fantasy what they can't 257 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,280 Speaker 1: have reality gives you a bit of a bit of 258 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,360 Speaker 1: light humor an opportunity to have a break. And again 259 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:41,520 Speaker 1: it's a wonderfully validating thing. And then as your child 260 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,960 Speaker 1: releases the pressure and says, yes, I wish our house 261 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,559 Speaker 1: would do that. You can sell you so do Why 262 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:49,120 Speaker 1: but we've got this issue where our house is not 263 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,560 Speaker 1: one of those houses. So what do you think we 264 00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:53,920 Speaker 1: should do instead? Incidentally, years ago, when we were renovating 265 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,960 Speaker 1: our house, we went to one of those big fancy 266 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,440 Speaker 1: appliance stores. Do you remember that cupboard that you could buy? 267 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:00,880 Speaker 1: I can't remember so how much it was was like 268 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,640 Speaker 1: fifteen thousand dollars or something, the ironing cupboard. Yet you 269 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:06,360 Speaker 1: literally put the clothing on a coat, hangar, put it 270 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,599 Speaker 1: in the cupboard, and the cupboard steams or irons or 271 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,920 Speaker 1: the clothes for you. Yeah, can we just make them 272 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:17,280 Speaker 1: affordable for everybody? I want one of those? Oh my goodness. Anyway, 273 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,439 Speaker 1: So they're the first two scripts. I've just thought of another. 274 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,120 Speaker 1: I know I've said three, but I just thought of 275 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,719 Speaker 1: another one. We're nearly out of time, so I need 276 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,040 Speaker 1: to be quick. Here's the second script, and this is 277 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,240 Speaker 1: the three e'es script. Sounds like you're really frustrated about 278 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,680 Speaker 1: what I just asked will you help me to see 279 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,640 Speaker 1: what's bothering you and let's see if we can work 280 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:36,480 Speaker 1: something out together. Now, I know that sounds a little 281 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,600 Speaker 1: bit staged because I've got that as a written script, 282 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,839 Speaker 1: But if you write that down and practice saying it, 283 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: it'll come out of your mouth really, really comfortably and 284 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,319 Speaker 1: really helpfully right at the time that you need it. 285 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:52,959 Speaker 1: It's a practice thing you're saying sounds like you're really 286 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 1: frustrated about what I just asked. Tell me what's bothering you? 287 00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: I reckon, we can work out a better solution if 288 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,880 Speaker 1: this doesn't work. So you see how I've just rephrased 289 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:04,040 Speaker 1: that and it feels so much more real. 290 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,880 Speaker 2: Yeah. A few weeks ago I shared the experience of 291 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 2: working through our nighttime routine with Emily. We have been 292 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,840 Speaker 2: having some big emotions around going to bed and just 293 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,280 Speaker 2: being able to sit down with her and acknowledge that 294 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,800 Speaker 2: she's feeling some frustration around it and can we talk 295 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,600 Speaker 2: about what it might look like if we did things 296 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,280 Speaker 2: her way. Yeah, she pretty much ticked all the boxes 297 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,920 Speaker 2: of what I wanted, but it was her decision. 298 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:29,880 Speaker 1: That's it. 299 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,880 Speaker 2: She literally came up with everything that we wanted. 300 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:35,720 Speaker 1: It's the validations. Yeah, and all of a sudden, the 301 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,840 Speaker 1: kids calm down and they start to solve problems with you, 302 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,480 Speaker 1: which is really what discipline's about. 303 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,040 Speaker 2: And what's your last script? 304 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,600 Speaker 1: So the last one is one that I come down 305 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: a bit heavy on the kids with every now and again. 306 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,080 Speaker 1: The soft ones, the validation ones, the giving in fantasy 307 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,920 Speaker 1: ones just don't work. And so the slightly heavier script is, 308 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,840 Speaker 1: I'm going to give you a chance to rethink what 309 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,480 Speaker 1: you just said, and I want you to try again 310 00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:01,200 Speaker 1: in harmony with our values this time. So you're drawing 311 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,880 Speaker 1: a really clear line in the sand. You're not getting 312 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,800 Speaker 1: them in trouble, but you're just saying, I'm not going 313 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,840 Speaker 1: to do any problem solving here. Don't have time for it. 314 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,040 Speaker 1: But you need to work on that. 315 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,800 Speaker 2: So, because we're dealing with girls in our home, I 316 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,360 Speaker 2: kind of reframe that a little bit on my end 317 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,160 Speaker 2: because I recognize that more times than not, they're not 318 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:19,960 Speaker 2: able to shift very fast, and so I'll often just 319 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,600 Speaker 2: give them an opportunity to go away and think about it, 320 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,520 Speaker 2: and when they feel like they can come back and 321 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:27,440 Speaker 2: talk to me in a way that I can hear, yeah, 322 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:28,600 Speaker 2: that we can have this conversation. 323 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 1: Use that one a few times myself as well. Why 324 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,920 Speaker 1: do you have to think about what you just said 325 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,840 Speaker 1: and we will talk about it again in a half 326 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:38,080 Speaker 1: an hour. Yeah, works, treat. Okay, we need to wrap 327 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,200 Speaker 1: it up there. We really hope that these ideas have 328 00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:44,080 Speaker 1: been helpful. Here's the reality. You're not going to eliminate 329 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,240 Speaker 1: pushback from your kids. What you do want to do, though, 330 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 1: is create a relationship that feels safe enough for them 331 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,960 Speaker 1: so that they can express themselves and learn how to 332 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:59,080 Speaker 1: do it constructively. That's the goal. The Happy Families podcast 333 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:03,440 Speaker 1: is produced by rule On from Bridge Media. 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