1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: Get a. I'm Lala Berry, nutritionist, author, actor, TV presenter, 2 00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:14,080 Speaker 1: and professional oversharer. This podcast is all about celebrating failure 3 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,240 Speaker 1: because I believe it's a chance for us to learn, 4 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:22,200 Speaker 1: grow and face our blind spots. Each week, I'll interview 5 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:25,680 Speaker 1: a different guest about their highs as well as their lows, 6 00:00:26,239 --> 00:00:34,720 Speaker 1: all in a bid to inspire us to furiously fail. Hello, Guten, 7 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:39,960 Speaker 1: Morgan Bonsoin, Hello, Hello, Welcome to the Potter Rooney. Today 8 00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 1: we have a local Los Angelean. I hope I'm saying 9 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: that right on the podcast, Tracy Crosley. She is a 10 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:52,280 Speaker 1: relationship coach, a behavioral attunement expert. 11 00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:53,080 Speaker 2: Do not worry. 12 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,960 Speaker 1: I get her to fully explain what that is, and 13 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:59,640 Speaker 1: it's very curl. She's also an author, she's a podcaster 14 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:04,280 Speaker 1: over six hundred EPs. Doesn't stop now. In this episode, 15 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,600 Speaker 1: we've never had like a relationship or behavioral expert on 16 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,720 Speaker 1: the pod before, So I literally just went in there 17 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:14,240 Speaker 1: and was like, right, oh, what is breadcrumbing talked to 18 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:20,600 Speaker 1: me about? Narcissist? What's gas lighting? Ghosting, imposter syndrome, insecure attachment, 19 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:25,480 Speaker 1: anxious avoidant, all of this stuff we cover in the 20 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:29,440 Speaker 1: pod and Tracy is very funny and loves a laugh too, 21 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,880 Speaker 1: So I really hope you enjoy this chat. Tracy, you 22 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: are a legend, mate. Thank you so much for jumping 23 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:42,160 Speaker 1: on the pod. Welcome to the pod, Tracy Crosley. I've 24 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,360 Speaker 1: got so many questions for you, mate, I have deep 25 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:51,520 Speaker 1: dived you so relationship and behavioral expert and behavioral attunement 26 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,440 Speaker 1: expert is that right? 27 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:53,920 Speaker 2: Yep? 28 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,360 Speaker 1: Yep? Podcast or an author? But can you explain the 29 00:01:56,360 --> 00:02:01,280 Speaker 1: attunement bit to me? Because this is exciting? Well, I was, uh, I. 30 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,240 Speaker 2: Should start over with that in terms of when I 31 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,960 Speaker 2: look at my whole career doing coaching and all this 32 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:10,400 Speaker 2: other stuff, right, you know, it became really clear about 33 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:14,480 Speaker 2: six seven years ago, Hey you're a behavioral relationship expert 34 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,200 Speaker 2: because my whole thing is about behavior. Yeah, Like I 35 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,240 Speaker 2: can see behavior and you know, just in how people 36 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:23,720 Speaker 2: hold themselves, uh not just the things they say, the 37 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,440 Speaker 2: things they do, all of that, and I realize that 38 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,160 Speaker 2: what I do is I take people and I help 39 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,200 Speaker 2: them to attune their behavior, you know, harmonize their behavior, 40 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,520 Speaker 2: to really take a deep dive into getting to know 41 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:36,600 Speaker 2: themselves in that way. 42 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:41,840 Speaker 1: I love that I have this deep fascination of human behavior, 43 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,359 Speaker 1: and so that's why I'm so pumped to picky brains today. Totally, 44 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,200 Speaker 1: let's do it right before we heat record. Tracey's like, 45 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:53,120 Speaker 1: I am an open book. You can say whatever you want. So, mate, 46 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:58,080 Speaker 1: I actually don't even know where to start because you 47 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,840 Speaker 1: just seem like such a fascinating human being before we 48 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:04,200 Speaker 1: dive into the not the nitty gritty, but all the 49 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:07,960 Speaker 1: amazing questions that I've got here about your career. Is 50 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:11,440 Speaker 1: it true that you once called a psychic to get 51 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,720 Speaker 1: a reading and they offered you a job? 52 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 2: Yes, actually how that happened more than once? But no, Yeah, 53 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,400 Speaker 2: So what it was is that I was in oh 54 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 2: my gosh, like desperate times, totally desperate times, and I 55 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:28,919 Speaker 2: was looking through the phone book and I had no money, 56 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 2: by the way, because I was unemployed. I mean, I'm 57 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:37,280 Speaker 2: talking about just nothing. So I opened up the phone 58 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:39,840 Speaker 2: book and I called this place and I'm like, yeah, 59 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,920 Speaker 2: I'm looking for a psychic and they're like, are you 60 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:45,600 Speaker 2: a psychic? Like, yeah, I am, actually I am, you know, 61 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:52,920 Speaker 2: and hey, would you like to work here? I'm like okay, yeah, 62 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,320 Speaker 2: yeah that's how that worked. 63 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 1: And you literally worked as a psychic. 64 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,160 Speaker 2: I literally I have. I mean, I had worked as 65 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 2: a psychic from my house before. That was the first 66 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,360 Speaker 2: time I actually worked in a location. 67 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 1: How cool. 68 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,440 Speaker 2: It was fun it was, I mean it was I 69 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:08,040 Speaker 2: should say it was different. And it actually took me 70 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,320 Speaker 2: to working in another place, which I can share that 71 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:14,160 Speaker 2: little story. It's kind of funny. So at that time 72 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,320 Speaker 2: in my life, I had like this dysfunctional, horrific, shitty 73 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:22,960 Speaker 2: ass relationship, and I also had been laid off from 74 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,719 Speaker 2: my job. I had lost my house, like all of 75 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:29,160 Speaker 2: these things happen, right, So I'm basically trying to find, Hey, 76 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,480 Speaker 2: where can I get gas? And where can I get 77 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,640 Speaker 2: food to eat? At this point right so here, I'm 78 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 2: calling a psychic, So yeah, it makes no sense. And 79 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:40,560 Speaker 2: I also had in the Yellow Pages looked up I 80 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,960 Speaker 2: say yellow Pages because it was what I looked up 81 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 2: online and the Yellow. 82 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,200 Speaker 1: Pages okay in Australia to okay, So it was it. 83 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,600 Speaker 2: Was literally, you know, me looking for phone numbers. So 84 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:54,880 Speaker 2: I was desperate before that. A few months before that, 85 00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:57,120 Speaker 2: I was desperate, and I'm like, oh my god, I 86 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 2: got to talk to somebody. I'm going to be a 87 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,279 Speaker 2: hood ornament if I don't talk to somebody, right, yeah, 88 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:04,560 Speaker 2: And so I ended up calling this person randomly who's 89 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,880 Speaker 2: a therapist, and I got a hold of her and 90 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,000 Speaker 2: she's like, yeah, come and see me. And she ended 91 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:13,039 Speaker 2: up seeing me for free, like for a few months 92 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,320 Speaker 2: at that point. And what's funny is she said, I 93 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:18,240 Speaker 2: never answer the phone, And I answered the phone when 94 00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:21,839 Speaker 2: you called, right, and and she goes and me to 95 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,520 Speaker 2: have room in my schedule was also weird, but somebody 96 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 2: had canceled MENTI bate. Yeah, So through her, what ended 97 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,080 Speaker 2: up happening was I'm working at the store as the psychic. 98 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:33,719 Speaker 2: I'm not really getting a lot of people. There's not 99 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,440 Speaker 2: a lot of foot traffic. And she says to me, 100 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,440 Speaker 2: this therapist says to me, I have a friend. You 101 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,840 Speaker 2: need to go see her. She does intuitive massages. 102 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:42,599 Speaker 1: Cool. 103 00:05:42,839 --> 00:05:47,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, So I'm like, okay, remember I don't have any money, right, 104 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,719 Speaker 2: I have nothing. Somehow I come up with it was 105 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,920 Speaker 2: like seventy bucks. I came up with seventy dollars. 106 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:53,560 Speaker 1: Yeah. 107 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,000 Speaker 2: I went and I go have this massage. And it's 108 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,080 Speaker 2: a place that's really close to where I live, which 109 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:02,280 Speaker 2: was kind of cool. And I go in and this 110 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,920 Speaker 2: woman is doing this whole massage on me and She's like, 111 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 2: oh my god, you're in the eye of the storm. 112 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 2: And it just turns out she goes, you know, I 113 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 2: think you need to work here. And it was really 114 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,080 Speaker 2: a lovely place, Like I had a really lovely atmosphere 115 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,480 Speaker 2: as compared to the place that I was working. Yeah, 116 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 2: and I'm like, really really, And so I ended up 117 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,040 Speaker 2: doing psychic readings that are there. I also ended up 118 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,880 Speaker 2: working behind the cash register, like I was doing all 119 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,320 Speaker 2: these things after having like this big six figure job 120 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,720 Speaker 2: that I never thought i'd be doing, but yeah, here 121 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,400 Speaker 2: I was doing it, and I was working as a 122 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,040 Speaker 2: psychic and I'd had training as a coach, and I'm 123 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,000 Speaker 2: kind of skipping over a few things, but it was 124 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:40,599 Speaker 2: just that whole psychic thing. It was really interesting because 125 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,480 Speaker 2: of all the synchronicity of the things lining up. 126 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,240 Speaker 1: It makes you kind of trust in this like the 127 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 1: bigger picture kind of like and other things at play 128 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,239 Speaker 1: as well. I've just interviewed on the podcast a medium 129 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,159 Speaker 1: and the first time I ever interviewed a medium, and 130 00:06:55,200 --> 00:07:02,040 Speaker 1: I was blew my socks off. Okay, Okay, I've got 131 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:03,839 Speaker 1: to ask so many questions. I've literally just got a list. 132 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,240 Speaker 1: So I'm just gonna pump through them, because I just 133 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,680 Speaker 1: love everything that you're about, and I think I could 134 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 1: almost bring up anything and you'd be able to teach 135 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:15,200 Speaker 1: me something. So, first of all, I've read on your 136 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:21,160 Speaker 1: website about upping your EQ or emotional intelligence. Now I 137 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,600 Speaker 1: didn't know anything about that until I went down the 138 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:28,360 Speaker 1: path of getting a coach, and I was always attracted 139 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:32,680 Speaker 1: to people that were on paper super like, oh yeah, 140 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 1: that sounds pretty good, but then very much emotionally either 141 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:39,960 Speaker 1: unavailable or just not connected to themselves, and so it 142 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:43,280 Speaker 1: became very painful, very quickly. So can you explain the 143 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:47,960 Speaker 1: importance of like not necessarily like tapping into but like 144 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,840 Speaker 1: being aware and working on your EQ? 145 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:54,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, because okay, so I don't think most of us 146 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:57,160 Speaker 2: can go I'm going to work on my EQ just yet. 147 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 1: That out there. 148 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,200 Speaker 2: It is a series of things that you do that 149 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:05,080 Speaker 2: are emotional in nature, and most of us do not 150 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 2: do things that are emotional in nature that we have 151 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,600 Speaker 2: an awareness of. We have an awareness of our reactions, 152 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,800 Speaker 2: you know, like oh I'm angry or I'm crying. Those 153 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,880 Speaker 2: are reactions. It's always a deeper emotion, and most of 154 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,600 Speaker 2: us aren't clued into the deeper emotions. But the more 155 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,520 Speaker 2: you are clued into your deeper emotions and your motivation 156 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:25,680 Speaker 2: and you are able to bring that out into the world. 157 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:28,160 Speaker 2: Like you manage your emotions, that's part of EQ right, 158 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:32,640 Speaker 2: So you don't manage them by intellectually shutting them down, 159 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,800 Speaker 2: which is what a lot of us do. You know, Oh, 160 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,440 Speaker 2: don't want to feel that, don't want to go there. 161 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:40,200 Speaker 2: And the more you're able to do that, you're actually 162 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,760 Speaker 2: managing your emotions. Because if I emotionally manage my emotions, 163 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,280 Speaker 2: I'm going to have a completely different way of feeling. 164 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,760 Speaker 2: And that means I'm going to have a completely different 165 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,760 Speaker 2: way of being. And to me, it's the way to 166 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:52,880 Speaker 2: be right. 167 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,520 Speaker 1: But I feel like it takes a bit to get there, 168 00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 1: right A Pence working with someone like you, do you 169 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,200 Speaker 1: see that clients like do you see this transformation of 170 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,360 Speaker 1: being like true scared to kind of like feel or 171 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,840 Speaker 1: be there versus like transforming into being like, hey, okay, 172 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:14,600 Speaker 1: I'm reacting, I'm feeling this thing and kind of embracing that. 173 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,959 Speaker 2: It takes a while and and everybody's in a different 174 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,760 Speaker 2: place with that. And that is one thing I have 175 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 2: learned is that when people show up a lot of 176 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,600 Speaker 2: times they're in some kind of distress. Not always. Sometimes 177 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,800 Speaker 2: people are just like, hey, you know what, I want 178 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,360 Speaker 2: to grow, I want to feel better, I want to 179 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,320 Speaker 2: really know who I am, all those kind of things 180 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 2: you know that we ask ourselves, right, And so when 181 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,880 Speaker 2: you do and you make that kind of commitment, we'll 182 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,679 Speaker 2: find people sometimes have resistance at different places, like, oh, 183 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,880 Speaker 2: but I don't want to go there. Kind of natural, right, 184 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 2: it is because it's a survival instinct. 185 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:49,319 Speaker 3: Yeah. 186 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, Like, oh, that feels like it's going to cause 187 00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:52,320 Speaker 1: me a lot of pain. 188 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's just it's the story you have about it. 189 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,960 Speaker 2: It's not that it really is. And even if it does, 190 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,400 Speaker 2: you more than likely can handle it. 191 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:06,920 Speaker 1: Tially. Ah, Oh I love these Okay, can you say 192 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 1: I like a kidneck? Can I love? Yeah? So I 193 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:15,319 Speaker 1: want to talk to you about limiting belief system. Can 194 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 1: you explain what that is and maybe give an example 195 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,720 Speaker 1: of what one might be sure? 196 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:25,520 Speaker 2: So we have all different beliefs, right, Like you have 197 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:27,319 Speaker 2: a belief that when you're in bed, you're going to 198 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,000 Speaker 2: get out of bed and your foot is going to 199 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,560 Speaker 2: hit the floor, right, Otherwise, why would you get out 200 00:10:31,559 --> 00:10:33,360 Speaker 2: of bed if you didn't think there was something there. Right, 201 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,800 Speaker 2: These are on autopilot. You're not thinking it as you 202 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,920 Speaker 2: get out of bed. It's just there. So most of 203 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:43,000 Speaker 2: our beliefs operate that way. The ones that are let's say, wooh, 204 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,120 Speaker 2: that's an amazing belief about you know how great I 205 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,520 Speaker 2: am or and usually we have that one, which also 206 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:52,240 Speaker 2: has the one I'm not worthy attached to it, yeah, 207 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:56,199 Speaker 2: which is a limiting belief. Yeah, so anything that limits you. 208 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,120 Speaker 2: So let's say you have goals like big goals, right, 209 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:05,000 Speaker 2: let's say negative limiting beliefs. They're fear based and they 210 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:05,959 Speaker 2: aren't meant. 211 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,480 Speaker 1: To screw you over. By the way. 212 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:09,839 Speaker 2: A lot of us think, oh my god, I don't 213 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,760 Speaker 2: believe that. Well, you do if you believe it. Like 214 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 2: people think they have a choice about what they believe, 215 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:19,120 Speaker 2: but you don't until you develop an awareness and then 216 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,319 Speaker 2: you're able to do something about it. Like you can't 217 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:22,840 Speaker 2: just go, well, I'm not going to believe that I'm 218 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:23,560 Speaker 2: not good enough. 219 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:27,680 Speaker 1: You know, it'd be cool if it was that easy, right. 220 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:28,920 Speaker 2: Oh my god, I would love it if it was 221 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:32,760 Speaker 2: that easy, But it's not. It's like most of us 222 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,079 Speaker 2: don't realize this, and we get stuck in trying to 223 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 2: get rid of things you can't get rid of a 224 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:41,040 Speaker 2: survival instinct. The reason that you may believe I'm not 225 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:44,840 Speaker 2: good enough is to keep you alive. You don't realize 226 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,920 Speaker 2: it could be a survival skill, because what do you 227 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,240 Speaker 2: do if you don't believe you're good enough? You probably 228 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,600 Speaker 2: don't take risks. You probably keep your risks really small. 229 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,480 Speaker 2: So what does that mean? Well to your brain, the 230 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,480 Speaker 2: oldest part of your brain's going, Oh, good, You're going 231 00:11:57,559 --> 00:11:58,240 Speaker 2: to stay alive. 232 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:03,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm protecting you. Yes, so interesting. Oh my goodness. 233 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,559 Speaker 1: I almost want like deep dive into like limiting beliefs 234 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,839 Speaker 1: right now, and I selfish them like, oh, I know 235 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,600 Speaker 1: I've got that one. Oh, I know, I've got that one. 236 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:15,120 Speaker 1: But the one that the thing that I really struggle with, 237 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,520 Speaker 1: and I think it definitely ties into what you were 238 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,440 Speaker 1: just saying with the limiting beliefs, is this idea of 239 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:23,120 Speaker 1: imposter syndrome. And I've heard you say that every single 240 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,880 Speaker 1: person in some way feels it at some stage. Can 241 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,320 Speaker 1: you explain what it is and kind of like how 242 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:34,560 Speaker 1: the if we deal with it? You can swear it, 243 00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:36,080 Speaker 1: by the way you can swear as much as. 244 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 2: You are I love that because that's in my regular vernacular. 245 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 1: So great. 246 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:42,959 Speaker 2: So when it comes to. 247 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:48,480 Speaker 1: What was the question to get imposter syndrome? Imposter syndrome I. 248 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,439 Speaker 2: Was on before that, I'm like, wait a minute, where 249 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:51,760 Speaker 2: am I? 250 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:52,200 Speaker 1: Okay? 251 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:56,120 Speaker 2: The impost syndrome. So when you're a kid, you don't 252 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,720 Speaker 2: really like punishment, right, most of us don't. Yeah, we 253 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,080 Speaker 2: like to be rewarded. Oh you got straight a's, you 254 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,520 Speaker 2: get a reward. You may not really be all about 255 00:13:05,559 --> 00:13:08,280 Speaker 2: school or think school is really the coolest thing on earth. 256 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:13,480 Speaker 2: But if you are getting some benefit and you're seeing it, hey, 257 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,080 Speaker 2: I think I need to keep doing that. So we 258 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:20,920 Speaker 2: tend to do things that other people like. Therefore we're 259 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:24,200 Speaker 2: not looking at well, what do I like? Who am I? 260 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,640 Speaker 2: What do I want to do? Not because other people 261 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:30,760 Speaker 2: like it or accept me or think I'm cool. It's 262 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:36,319 Speaker 2: really that separation of the real you versus the performing you, 263 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,360 Speaker 2: the one who's doing all of this right? 264 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,400 Speaker 1: Is this why people get caught up in like the 265 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,640 Speaker 1: status quo and kind of going well, I think that's 266 00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:45,480 Speaker 1: what society wants me to do. I think I should 267 00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 1: get married by that pik At fans ass and have 268 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,559 Speaker 1: two kids by these age is that kind of that 269 00:13:51,559 --> 00:13:54,360 Speaker 1: thing when you're doing what you think you're meant. 270 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,160 Speaker 2: To be doing. A lot of it is about what 271 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,960 Speaker 2: you think you're meant to be doing, and so the 272 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,920 Speaker 2: problem with that is you're sort of denying who you 273 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:06,120 Speaker 2: really are. Because let's say you are president of a company, right, 274 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,200 Speaker 2: and you don't really feel it. You're just there, but 275 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,640 Speaker 2: you know that people look up to you, they respect you, 276 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 2: you make a good living, all those things that go 277 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,240 Speaker 2: with it, right, But you don't want anybody to get 278 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 2: too close to you emotionally because if you do, they 279 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,200 Speaker 2: might find out the real you and that you're not 280 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:26,720 Speaker 2: really the CEO that you shot it right, because it's 281 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,120 Speaker 2: all this performance. So I like to look at things 282 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 2: more like that, where it's bite sized, not where I 283 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,800 Speaker 2: wake up one day and go, you know what, I'm 284 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,680 Speaker 2: going to be somebody else. You don't do that. Yeah, 285 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:41,560 Speaker 2: it happens gradually, and it happens because of the reward 286 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:42,080 Speaker 2: you get. 287 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:45,680 Speaker 1: Ah, mate, I just want to have you in my 288 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,600 Speaker 1: pocket every now and then and be like, can we 289 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:52,160 Speaker 1: talk about something that you're so well versed on, which 290 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:56,680 Speaker 1: is insecure attachment. This was a new thing to me 291 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,520 Speaker 1: until I research you can you educate me? 292 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:05,160 Speaker 2: Sure? So secure attachment theory was developed in I think 293 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,600 Speaker 2: it was the late sixties by doctor John Bulby, and 294 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,440 Speaker 2: he noticed that infants had an attachment you know, obviously 295 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,720 Speaker 2: otherwise they'd be dead basically, so you know, it was 296 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 2: a natural survival instinct to want to attach to your caregiver. 297 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:22,040 Speaker 2: And he noticed, you know, sometimes it doesn't really work 298 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,560 Speaker 2: out too well. So he was doing all this research. 299 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:27,880 Speaker 2: He had an assistant named Mary Ainsworth. She was also 300 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 2: a psychologist, and she did something called the Strange Experiment 301 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,160 Speaker 2: in the early seventies and where she took infants and 302 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:39,040 Speaker 2: up to toddlers about two years old, did an experiment 303 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:41,720 Speaker 2: with them with their moms. Usually they're well back then 304 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,280 Speaker 2: it was their you know, caregiver, but it was mom 305 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:44,760 Speaker 2: back then. 306 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:45,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, of course. 307 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,520 Speaker 2: And then they would put a stranger in and so 308 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 2: they did these variety of settings where they would find 309 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,520 Speaker 2: the child would have different reactions to a stranger, different 310 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,240 Speaker 2: reactions to mom. They'd have mom leave and mom come back, 311 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:02,040 Speaker 2: got it, Yeah, yeah, And that was how they also 312 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,080 Speaker 2: came up with attachment styles. 313 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,800 Speaker 1: Oh wow, and then does that then mirror when you're 314 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:09,360 Speaker 1: an adult. 315 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, it mirrors when you're an adult. Because here's the 316 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,480 Speaker 2: sad but good but I don't know what thing. 317 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:20,600 Speaker 3: Uh you Basically, we're all like five year olds emotionally, 318 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:24,160 Speaker 3: we really are are most of us are Emotional maturity 319 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,600 Speaker 3: stopped at about five years old and we've brought it forward. 320 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,440 Speaker 2: We'll think about it like when you've gotten into a 321 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,000 Speaker 2: fight with somebody and it gets ugly and you feel 322 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,520 Speaker 2: like they're having a temper tantrum. I'm having a temper tantrum. 323 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,280 Speaker 2: We're literally five years old. 324 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:44,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, so interesting. Okay, so I'm going to keep going 325 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,440 Speaker 1: up rolling on. I'm going to lose you. Okay. I 326 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,880 Speaker 1: love the idea of these. I hope I'm saying right. 327 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,080 Speaker 1: Anxious avoidant? What is that? 328 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:57,360 Speaker 2: By the way, you can't see her face, but that 329 00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,120 Speaker 2: was like her face was like, oh my. 330 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,440 Speaker 1: God, what is that? Shock? 331 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:06,520 Speaker 2: Yes, and I understand. Okay, So anxious avoidant is somebody 332 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:10,280 Speaker 2: I was an anxious avoidant as an example. So, as 333 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:14,200 Speaker 2: an anxious avoidant, what you tend to do is you 334 00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:17,560 Speaker 2: avoid relationships a lot of the time, Like when you're single, 335 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:21,199 Speaker 2: you pretty much avoid them because you're avoiding emotional intimacy. 336 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,760 Speaker 2: But you meet somebody who's a little bit more avoidant 337 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,639 Speaker 2: than you are, and you'll find that you become anxiously 338 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,080 Speaker 2: attached to them. So you're sort of wearing two different 339 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,960 Speaker 2: styles of attachment as one, and so you don't know 340 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,240 Speaker 2: if you're coming or going half the time. Like I 341 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,920 Speaker 2: would think when I was single, Okay, I have my 342 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,359 Speaker 2: shit together and look at me, you know, and then 343 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,600 Speaker 2: I'd meet somebody and I would just lose my shit. 344 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,480 Speaker 2: I would just be and you know, my friends would 345 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,600 Speaker 2: be like, what happened? Why are you freaking out? Why 346 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:55,119 Speaker 2: are you you know, constantly wanting to hear from this person? 347 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,359 Speaker 2: You know, and people can tell you, but you know, 348 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,600 Speaker 2: you're so great this and that? What's wrong with you? 349 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:04,000 Speaker 1: And like, I don't know, sounds like an emotional role 350 00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:06,879 Speaker 1: cause is that way sometimes? I know this would get 351 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 1: spandied around a lot, But is that kind of where 352 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:13,000 Speaker 1: those narcissistic kind of traits can stem from? If you're 353 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:17,080 Speaker 1: if someone's got that anxious kind of avoidant thing, it's 354 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:20,199 Speaker 1: not necessarily there's something wrong with you, but they're like, 355 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:22,920 Speaker 1: this is all, oh, this is too scary. 356 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:27,119 Speaker 2: Well I hate to break it to everybody listening, Okay, 357 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,200 Speaker 2: but but the truth is most of us think that 358 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,040 Speaker 2: we are the one that's okay and it's the other 359 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:36,879 Speaker 2: person that's not okay. Of course, yes, and yeah, So 360 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:40,199 Speaker 2: if you have an attachment style that's insecure, you're not 361 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:44,399 Speaker 2: with a securely attached person. You are usually two different insecurities, 362 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,400 Speaker 2: usually one's more avoidant than the other. But on top 363 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,879 Speaker 2: of that, the whole narcissism thing. All people are nursing, 364 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,560 Speaker 2: We are narcissists because otherwise survival. Yes, again I go 365 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,640 Speaker 2: back to otherwise we wouldn't be here. So but when 366 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,760 Speaker 2: it comes to NPD, I want to say, it's like 367 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,800 Speaker 2: you're a point zero five percent of the population, So 368 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:06,600 Speaker 2: you're talking about a tiny amount of people are true 369 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,920 Speaker 2: narcissist with the pathology. 370 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,359 Speaker 1: So it's NPD narcissistic personality disorder. 371 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,359 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's one of the personality disorders. 372 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:14,760 Speaker 3: Got it? 373 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,840 Speaker 1: Because I feel like that word is really Banni rand Oh, 374 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,000 Speaker 1: I just broke up with a narcissist, Like people say 375 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:24,120 Speaker 1: it a lot, but it's the more that I've sat 376 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:28,040 Speaker 1: with that feeling and worked with hypnotherapist, therapist, life coaches, 377 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,400 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh no, it's something within me that I'm 378 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:37,000 Speaker 1: picking this very emotionally unavailable person happened over and over 379 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,720 Speaker 1: until bless this cotton socks. My coach was like, how 380 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,440 Speaker 1: long do you want to do this for Lola? Because 381 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:46,320 Speaker 1: it's the same pattern over and over again, and it's 382 00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:48,639 Speaker 1: so funny. I went on my first date with my 383 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:52,119 Speaker 1: now beautiful partner, Matt. I call him bosso love you 384 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,960 Speaker 1: Bosso hear this, but I had this moment where I 385 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,200 Speaker 1: was like, Oh, this feels really right, and I went 386 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,360 Speaker 1: to my therap the next sound I was like, oh, 387 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,920 Speaker 1: I think I think I meant to be with the 388 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:07,399 Speaker 1: creative and he goes, no shit, Lola, Like it's taking 389 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,280 Speaker 1: you this long. It's how you thirty two years to 390 00:20:09,359 --> 00:20:11,840 Speaker 1: figure out that you like creative souls and people have 391 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:17,439 Speaker 1: similar values and are emotionally totally available. And it was 392 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,400 Speaker 1: just very funny because I've heard you talk a lot 393 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,719 Speaker 1: about relationships, and I just think I was that girl 394 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,760 Speaker 1: that was thinking I'm going to be the one that 395 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,960 Speaker 1: changes them and they're going to fall in love with me, 396 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,960 Speaker 1: and and like, how fucking narcissistic of me? Do we 397 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:31,800 Speaker 1: even think that? 398 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:32,320 Speaker 2: You know? 399 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:37,200 Speaker 1: Like full on, I really want to ask you about 400 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:41,160 Speaker 1: fear of rejection because I'm here in Los Angeles chasing 401 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,560 Speaker 1: being an actor, and I'm literally sending in audition tapes 402 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,600 Speaker 1: eight times a day and I haven't booked one gig, 403 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:52,080 Speaker 1: and that is like consistent rejection on the rig daily. 404 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,720 Speaker 1: This might sound really weird, but I kind of like 405 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:57,600 Speaker 1: it because, well, no, I just figure, well, it's just 406 00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,639 Speaker 1: building me resilience. And it means that every time I 407 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:04,240 Speaker 1: hit send on an audition video, I have no expectation 408 00:21:04,359 --> 00:21:06,479 Speaker 1: on an outcome, and so it's this beautiful lesson of 409 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:11,160 Speaker 1: like letting go consistently. But what I feel like, fear 410 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,439 Speaker 1: of rejection something I've spent a lot of time working 411 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,399 Speaker 1: on to even be able to be in LA be 412 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:19,160 Speaker 1: doing this. But I feel like it'd be a very 413 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,440 Speaker 1: common feeling that people associate with, is it? 414 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,720 Speaker 2: I would think? So, I haven't met a person yet 415 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,760 Speaker 2: who doesn't have a fear of rejection to some degree, 416 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,280 Speaker 2: you know, I think those of us, you know, like 417 00:21:31,359 --> 00:21:33,960 Speaker 2: I always said, oh, I'm a risk ticker. As an example, 418 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,560 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I'm a risk ticker unlessen how to do 419 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,720 Speaker 2: with emotional risky action, got it. 420 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's one of those feels that says to you, 421 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,520 Speaker 1: I'm an adventurer. Sky and I've I'll take risks any 422 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,720 Speaker 1: day the way. But yeah, but there would be there'd 423 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,159 Speaker 1: have to be something that that I'd either had to 424 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,960 Speaker 1: sit in and work on to be able to eat it. 425 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,679 Speaker 1: It's so fascinating to me. So why I'm so excited 426 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,960 Speaker 1: to be talking to you because human behavior blows my mind. 427 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,440 Speaker 2: We are contradictions big time. 428 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:10,320 Speaker 1: Okay, teach me what bread crumbing is. You need like 429 00:22:10,359 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 1: you need to go viral with bread crubbing. It's the 430 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,919 Speaker 1: best thing ever. Well when you talk about it, not 431 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,720 Speaker 1: necessarily that it's the best thing of it, but the 432 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:20,200 Speaker 1: right you describe it, yeah, is less Handsel and Gretel 433 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:21,160 Speaker 1: leaving breadcrumb. 434 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:22,679 Speaker 2: You know, I know. But it's so funny. I have 435 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,719 Speaker 2: that actual visual every time I talk about it. And 436 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,160 Speaker 2: it's funny because I wrote an article back in twenty 437 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:33,000 Speaker 2: fifteen about it on Huffington Post and it was I 438 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,280 Speaker 2: don't know what is this year. We're in twenty twenty two. 439 00:22:35,359 --> 00:22:40,080 Speaker 2: So in twenty eighteen I had this TV show asked 440 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,119 Speaker 2: me to come talk about bread crumbing, and I was, like, 441 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:46,280 Speaker 2: you wrote an article. They brought the racle up. I thought, God, 442 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,119 Speaker 2: that's so funny. Three years later, okay. So, and then 443 00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:51,399 Speaker 2: I did a series of like interviews on it, and 444 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,640 Speaker 2: the thing is, is that bread crumbing to me? Where 445 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:59,000 Speaker 2: I came up with it is people who meet somebody okay. 446 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:02,040 Speaker 2: So let's say that you meet a guy okay, and 447 00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:04,640 Speaker 2: you're all about it and he seems like he's all 448 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:07,880 Speaker 2: about you. Okay, you're all in the all about okay 449 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,639 Speaker 2: any day. Yeah, and then you know it's like either 450 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,240 Speaker 2: you go on like two or three dates and you're thinking, 451 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:17,119 Speaker 2: oh my god, you know, I can introduce it to 452 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:19,239 Speaker 2: mom and dad blah blah blah, you know, like you've 453 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:23,040 Speaker 2: got bright like five years down the track exactly exactly, 454 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,240 Speaker 2: and you're thinking he's thinking that too. And by the way, 455 00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:31,200 Speaker 2: it's not just women finding themselves in that position. Men 456 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:34,600 Speaker 2: do as well, and gay couples do as well. It 457 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,960 Speaker 2: is not a gender thing. So I just want to 458 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,640 Speaker 2: be clear. A lot of times we attribute these things 459 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,000 Speaker 2: to oh, men do that, but women do it too. 460 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,199 Speaker 2: So both are excited, seem to be excited, except the 461 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,520 Speaker 2: one kind of starts to back off a little bit 462 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:51,359 Speaker 2: and you're going, huh, wait a minute, something seems weird. 463 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:55,560 Speaker 2: Hey is everything okay? Oh yeah, everything is fine. Oh okay, 464 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,400 Speaker 2: and then they disappear. Right, you think you've been ghosted, 465 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,960 Speaker 2: and you know they've given you that God, I thought 466 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,399 Speaker 2: this was my soulmate. And then they show back up, 467 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:05,920 Speaker 2: like two weeks later, two months later, a year later, whatever. 468 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,200 Speaker 2: They've given you just enough bread crumbs to keep you 469 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,920 Speaker 2: strung on them. So they're like, hey, how are you. 470 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:14,919 Speaker 2: You're like, oh, what happened? Oh what do you mean 471 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,240 Speaker 2: what happened? I've just been busy, you know. They say 472 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:20,840 Speaker 2: something like that, right, and you're like, okay, I just 473 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:23,359 Speaker 2: had an aneurysm. I don't know. My brain's not I 474 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:25,440 Speaker 2: must have had a lobotomy, because I'm going to go 475 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:29,080 Speaker 2: ahead and say, oh, okay, you no, and you enter 476 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,880 Speaker 2: back into this because they have fed you just enough 477 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:33,640 Speaker 2: bread crumbs. They don't give you the whole piece of toast, 478 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,480 Speaker 2: they don't give you the whole loaf. They give you 479 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,480 Speaker 2: just enough, and then they just keep doing it right, 480 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,040 Speaker 2: like they'll You're thinking this is going to go somewhere, 481 00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:44,440 Speaker 2: this is gonna be amazing, and then it doesn't go anywhere. 482 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:48,880 Speaker 1: I have one being a victim of bread crumbs. But 483 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,480 Speaker 1: as you said, it's when you just said, then it's 484 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:55,480 Speaker 1: not gender specific. If I'm being brutally honest with you, 485 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:57,920 Speaker 1: If I'm not that, if I've not in the past 486 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:02,440 Speaker 1: been that into someone, I've probably maybe not psychologically aware, 487 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,040 Speaker 1: but I've definitely done it and hurt someone as a result. 488 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,719 Speaker 1: If I'm being flat out with you, right, But how 489 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,040 Speaker 1: do you get out of that cycle? 490 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:14,399 Speaker 2: Well, depending on which side you're on, and you know what, 491 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,359 Speaker 2: and it really doesn't matter, because it's all about having 492 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,320 Speaker 2: the awareness that I'm not happy, I don't like where 493 00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:23,719 Speaker 2: I am. Yeah, and that's really the point. Okay, Now 494 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:26,720 Speaker 2: I'm going to do something, and that's what you do. 495 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:30,840 Speaker 2: Something you seek help, you become more aware, you decide 496 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:34,280 Speaker 2: I want to have a healthy, happy relationship. So it 497 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,200 Speaker 2: just it takes that kind of risk, because that is 498 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:39,680 Speaker 2: a risk, yeah, not encourage right, oh yeah, to. 499 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,639 Speaker 1: Even be able to say it. I actually have an 500 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,760 Speaker 1: example when I was getting full breadcrumbed and then a 501 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:47,000 Speaker 1: little gas lighting at the end when I did have 502 00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,040 Speaker 1: the balls to kind of question it and go, hey, 503 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:51,439 Speaker 1: what's what's going on here? This doesn't feel right? And 504 00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,760 Speaker 1: I really like sat in it and the person I'd 505 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,639 Speaker 1: said it to was mortified, And do you want his 506 00:25:56,720 --> 00:26:00,000 Speaker 1: response was, I'm a bit fucked up, but so are you, 507 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:03,160 Speaker 1: And I said, I said, luckily, I was so deep 508 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,399 Speaker 1: in my work on myself, and I said, it's not 509 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,760 Speaker 1: fair to do that to somebody. And it was just 510 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,640 Speaker 1: such an it like the coolest lesson probably that I've 511 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:14,440 Speaker 1: had in my dating life until I met my beautiful partner. 512 00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:17,040 Speaker 1: But it was I remember thinking, am I in a 513 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,159 Speaker 1: movie right now? Like this does not feel real? But 514 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:24,480 Speaker 1: it does exist. This stuff one hundred percent happens, and 515 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,960 Speaker 1: it takes such courage to be like, this doesn't feel 516 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,720 Speaker 1: nourishing to me, so it's probably not feeling nourishing to 517 00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,639 Speaker 1: their me that we got to go like we're going 518 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:35,040 Speaker 1: to get out of this, or at least bring it 519 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,840 Speaker 1: up and face it and work through it and grow 520 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:38,320 Speaker 1: from it. 521 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:38,600 Speaker 2: You know. 522 00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:43,000 Speaker 1: Yes, Okay, I love the way you talk about the 523 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:47,520 Speaker 1: drama triangle. I've been taught it before as the victim triangle. 524 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,560 Speaker 1: Can you explain what it is? So? 525 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 2: The drama triangle was created by doctor Stephen Krpman in 526 00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:55,760 Speaker 2: the early seventies. There was a lot of good stuff 527 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,960 Speaker 2: in the sixties and seventies now, and so fashion too, 528 00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:03,280 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, definitely, and so he created this upside 529 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,439 Speaker 2: down triangle where you have a victim, a rescuer, and 530 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:09,840 Speaker 2: a persecutor, and these are relational dynamics. This is how 531 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,520 Speaker 2: we get along in the world. And this isn't just 532 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,000 Speaker 2: intimate relationships. This is all relationships. 533 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:15,359 Speaker 1: Yeah. 534 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, and you see yourself either as the victim, the 535 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,480 Speaker 2: rescuer or the persecutor, but most of the time you 536 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,800 Speaker 2: don't see yourself. You actually have to become aware of 537 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:27,000 Speaker 2: what you're doing. Yeah, and then you got to own it. 538 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,560 Speaker 1: It's so confronting. Mate, for me, it was more friendships 539 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:32,879 Speaker 1: I'd get in these this kind of triangle with and 540 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:35,680 Speaker 1: I had to do so much work of like realizing 541 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:39,159 Speaker 1: that I was like choosing to be a victim. It's 542 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:43,080 Speaker 1: so confronting when you do that, and then taking the 543 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:44,919 Speaker 1: risk to be like, I don't want to be in 544 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:46,000 Speaker 1: this triangle no more. 545 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:53,159 Speaker 2: Right, it's full on. It is hard because everything is 546 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,280 Speaker 2: society is based on it. Every movie you go to 547 00:27:56,720 --> 00:28:00,240 Speaker 2: you have the villain, the hero and the damsel in 548 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,480 Speaker 2: distress or a guy in distress. Right, So you can't 549 00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:06,720 Speaker 2: escape that. You can't escap it in songs. All you know, 550 00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:10,280 Speaker 2: love songs are fucking sad. They're all like, you love me. 551 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:14,240 Speaker 2: It's a victim, hire a victim. You're wanting the person 552 00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:17,600 Speaker 2: that left you and you're crying about you are calling 553 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:20,399 Speaker 2: them the persecutor. They're the asshole that left you, and 554 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:22,159 Speaker 2: at the same time you want them to rescue you 555 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:24,000 Speaker 2: from how shitty you feel? 556 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:25,720 Speaker 1: Right? How not stop? 557 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:29,159 Speaker 2: I know it's not love either, That's not love. People 558 00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:29,840 Speaker 2: not love. 559 00:28:30,119 --> 00:28:33,080 Speaker 1: Oh, thank you so much for explaining that, because I 560 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:35,400 Speaker 1: just think it's for visual people out there as well, 561 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:38,080 Speaker 1: which I am. It was such a game changer for 562 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:39,880 Speaker 1: me to be like, actually, I don't really want to 563 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:43,080 Speaker 1: be in this triangle. And I spent I'm talking like 564 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:48,640 Speaker 1: countless months of like sitting being coached and stepping outside 565 00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:50,840 Speaker 1: and it took a lot of guts, and to be 566 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:54,080 Speaker 1: completely honest with you, I had to step away and 567 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:59,880 Speaker 1: confront stepping away from toxic friendships because I couldn't play 568 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:03,080 Speaker 1: anything other than the victim because of that was the 569 00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:07,760 Speaker 1: dynamic that we'd spent years kind of like forming, and 570 00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:09,920 Speaker 1: so neither of us knew how to be friends when 571 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:13,080 Speaker 1: that dynamic wasn't in place. Howl On. 572 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,200 Speaker 2: It's so crazy because I had one of my best 573 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:19,760 Speaker 2: friends is no longer one of my best friends because 574 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:22,200 Speaker 2: she was always a victim and I was always rescuing her. 575 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:25,280 Speaker 2: But what started happening as I started to grow more 576 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:29,400 Speaker 2: is I became the persecutor to her because I was 577 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:32,440 Speaker 2: no longer putting up with her shit. And I would, 578 00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:34,560 Speaker 2: you know, say things like, well, I'm not going to 579 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:37,320 Speaker 2: do this anymore for me because I don't want to 580 00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,040 Speaker 2: do this for me whatever it happened to be when 581 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:42,000 Speaker 2: the situation was, and then I would notice her response 582 00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:44,680 Speaker 2: was she would get angrier with me, and then it 583 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:46,600 Speaker 2: just ended up in a huge blow up. And you 584 00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:49,160 Speaker 2: know that was a lot of years ago, but it 585 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,720 Speaker 2: totally does. When you start to change those dynamics, you 586 00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:55,240 Speaker 2: will absolutely, you know, lose people, but you'll gain other 587 00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:57,840 Speaker 2: people totally well because you're growing. 588 00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:00,400 Speaker 1: And then you'll bring in that theory about bringing people 589 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:03,840 Speaker 1: have got similar values as you, and it feels good. 590 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:06,720 Speaker 1: I So there's something that I still am working at well, 591 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:08,680 Speaker 1: of course, where human beings are working on, some of 592 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:11,000 Speaker 1: that I really have to work on. I'm one of 593 00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:14,360 Speaker 1: those people that you can ask me to do something 594 00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:17,000 Speaker 1: with you, and every fire of my being is like no, no, 595 00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:18,400 Speaker 1: that I don't really want to do that, and I'll 596 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:20,360 Speaker 1: be like, yeah, sure, do you need me to pick 597 00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:28,040 Speaker 1: you up? People please? For no good reason. I've spent 598 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:30,600 Speaker 1: so Like I had a coaching session this week and 599 00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:36,000 Speaker 1: he was like, Lola, why are you consistently compromising yourself? 600 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:40,960 Speaker 1: Like You're choosing to compromise yourself over and over again 601 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:43,840 Speaker 1: for some fucked up validation that you need from this 602 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:45,680 Speaker 1: person that you don't even want to hang out with. 603 00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:49,800 Speaker 1: He's like, what's going on? And so, can you share 604 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:52,080 Speaker 1: a little bit about people pleasing and it coming from 605 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:54,920 Speaker 1: fear versus coming from this space of generosity? 606 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,760 Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely So. A lot of times we fear losing 607 00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:02,080 Speaker 2: something or losing can control, which is still losing, right. 608 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:05,720 Speaker 2: And anytime you have that kind of an attachment, because 609 00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:08,960 Speaker 2: it's an attachment, you are going to compromise things like 610 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:11,480 Speaker 2: if I don't want somebody to leave, like in my business, 611 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:13,840 Speaker 2: if I don't want somebody to leave, I will you know, 612 00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:16,680 Speaker 2: people please, or used to people please? And I would 613 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:19,280 Speaker 2: catch myself I go, what the fuck am I doing? 614 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:22,600 Speaker 2: You know, because sometimes it's insidious and you don't realize 615 00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:25,560 Speaker 2: you're doing it, but you really look at Okay, I 616 00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:27,480 Speaker 2: want people to look at me in a certain way. 617 00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:30,440 Speaker 2: And you think you're controlling the narrative when you're people pleasing, 618 00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:33,120 Speaker 2: you're not. People are still going to think what they think. 619 00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:35,560 Speaker 2: You have no control over whether they like you or 620 00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:39,360 Speaker 2: hate you, or think you're awesome whatever. You don't. But 621 00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:42,400 Speaker 2: the thing with people pleasing is you learn this again 622 00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:44,040 Speaker 2: as a small child. 623 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:48,040 Speaker 1: Of of course, Penny drop moment, Thank you very much. 624 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:55,880 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, Okay, oh my goodness. I know we're 625 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:57,480 Speaker 1: running out of time, and I'm like, I've just got 626 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:00,280 Speaker 1: so many cool things I've got to talk to you about. Okay, 627 00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:05,040 Speaker 1: you obviously have such the way you talk about relationships 628 00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:07,800 Speaker 1: are so it's so easy to get your head around. 629 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:10,200 Speaker 1: Like I have watched every single one of your Insta reels, 630 00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:13,479 Speaker 1: I've watched all your YouTube VIDs. Mate, it's so easy 631 00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:17,000 Speaker 1: to get your head around. But obviously, like I'll have 632 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:18,920 Speaker 1: a day where I'm like, oh, I just feel really 633 00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:22,360 Speaker 1: shit today, And sometimes I've got the courage to sit 634 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:24,600 Speaker 1: in that shit and be like, Okay, today I just 635 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:26,880 Speaker 1: feel a bit funky. I don't need to mask that 636 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,840 Speaker 1: by emotionally eating, or by going out for a while 637 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:32,600 Speaker 1: with someone I don't really like, or you know, go shopping. 638 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:34,760 Speaker 1: I don't. I can just sit in feeling crap and 639 00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:38,000 Speaker 1: that's okay, but it kind of takes a bit of 640 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:42,440 Speaker 1: courage to be willing to sit in the mud. And 641 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:47,200 Speaker 1: I've seen the way you talk about three tips for anxiety. 642 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,560 Speaker 1: You've got this on your Insta, and I hope I'm 643 00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:52,400 Speaker 1: not throwing in where you're just like Lola, I filmed 644 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:54,640 Speaker 1: that friggin' two years ago and you're making you like 645 00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:56,920 Speaker 1: Franche up stuff. But can you talk about that? Because 646 00:32:56,920 --> 00:33:00,400 Speaker 1: I found that, really I find it really helpful to 647 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:01,920 Speaker 1: know these three tips. Can you go? 648 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:03,480 Speaker 2: Can you tell me what the three tips say? Yeah? 649 00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:04,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but. 650 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:06,440 Speaker 2: I don't remember when I did it, but. 651 00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:09,680 Speaker 1: It was I'm really throwing Yeah, I've deep dived, I've 652 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:12,880 Speaker 1: gone all the way back. But you just talk about 653 00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:15,520 Speaker 1: three hips are anxiety, and so like, even though when 654 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,280 Speaker 1: I feel shit or like I'm having a yacky day, 655 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:20,400 Speaker 1: I think it is a form of anxiety because I'll 656 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:22,800 Speaker 1: feel it in my body very physically, and I'll no, 657 00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:24,960 Speaker 1: I just really want a cupcake because that's going to 658 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,600 Speaker 1: fix everything. Right. So the first thing you say is 659 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:33,080 Speaker 1: feel your feet connect to your body. I love that 660 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:36,000 Speaker 1: because like, I think we get soap in our head. 661 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:38,120 Speaker 1: I think that's what you've said before, Like, yeah, that's 662 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:39,720 Speaker 1: the first place we go, because we don't want to 663 00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,720 Speaker 1: feel right right, But then you feel worse, way worse, 664 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:49,640 Speaker 1: and then notice surroundings like okay, I'm. 665 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:53,320 Speaker 2: Not dead, ceilings not giving in right, It's like all 666 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:57,400 Speaker 2: those things because the feeling of anxiety is doom, like 667 00:33:57,800 --> 00:34:01,480 Speaker 2: something horrible is happening or going to happen, and so 668 00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:04,280 Speaker 2: those things are counterintuitive because usually people just want to 669 00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:07,200 Speaker 2: distract or run away from anxiety or try to go okay, 670 00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:09,799 Speaker 2: well you're what is it? My mom used to see this. 671 00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:11,960 Speaker 2: Your brain can't think of two things at once, so 672 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:15,080 Speaker 2: think of something else. But the truth is the more 673 00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:18,719 Speaker 2: you allow and stop resisting, it doesn't matter. It's like 674 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:23,560 Speaker 2: allowing actually breaks down resistance, and it breaks down the 675 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:27,440 Speaker 2: anxiety because if I say, Okay, I'm going to be anxious, cool, whatever, 676 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:30,520 Speaker 2: and then it goes away instead of oh I can't 677 00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:31,000 Speaker 2: be anxious. 678 00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:33,800 Speaker 1: But anyways, And that was the one I allow yourself 679 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,160 Speaker 1: to feel. And so that's when I was like, Okay, 680 00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:38,520 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm stuck in mud today. I'm sick 681 00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:41,400 Speaker 1: of sending off audition videos and getting no response. Okay, 682 00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:43,640 Speaker 1: cool and it's so funny. The next day I woke 683 00:34:43,719 --> 00:34:45,520 Speaker 1: up and a gig had arrived in my email, like 684 00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:47,800 Speaker 1: a work gig had come through, and it was awesome 685 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:49,279 Speaker 1: and exactly what I wanted to do. I was like, 686 00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:52,359 Speaker 1: oh my god, I just had to stop resisting and 687 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:54,680 Speaker 1: just kind of like let go of this for me 688 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:57,440 Speaker 1: need to control and to control them and to know 689 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,600 Speaker 1: that it's going to be okay, right, And I just 690 00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:03,279 Speaker 1: found I find I found that really helpful. So I 691 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:08,000 Speaker 1: want to say completely thank you. And I love the 692 00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:11,400 Speaker 1: way you talk about increasing your own personal value. And 693 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:13,920 Speaker 1: there's some simple things that the listener can do just 694 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:16,400 Speaker 1: to be like I got I got myself, you know, 695 00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:18,279 Speaker 1: like you're can't seeing your value. What are some of 696 00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:19,000 Speaker 1: the them? 697 00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:23,480 Speaker 2: So one of the biggest ways, I think is honesty, 698 00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:27,840 Speaker 2: and that means being vulnerable, which a lot of us 699 00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:31,600 Speaker 2: are like, uh, but when you're honest, that's not your 700 00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:34,560 Speaker 2: honest opinion because it's still an opinion, and opinions are 701 00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:38,000 Speaker 2: like assholes. We all have them, right, And. 702 00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:43,520 Speaker 1: So there's the audio grab. Awesome. 703 00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:49,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, So the bottom line is I want to, you know, 704 00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:52,480 Speaker 2: think about what is going to be easy to, you know, 705 00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:55,600 Speaker 2: build my value. Well, that would be me saying I 706 00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:59,000 Speaker 2: feel like shit today, but I'm not making you responsible 707 00:35:59,040 --> 00:36:01,160 Speaker 2: for it. I'm not going to make you do anything 708 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,920 Speaker 2: about it. I'm just recognizing this and I'm sharing it 709 00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:06,600 Speaker 2: with you, just saying that, like if I'm in a 710 00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:08,640 Speaker 2: shit mood, because I can wake up and being a 711 00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:10,319 Speaker 2: shipmod and I'll say that to my husband and he's 712 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:12,480 Speaker 2: like okay. I'm like okay, and I go on with 713 00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:16,640 Speaker 2: my day like you constantly don't realize you're not really, 714 00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:19,759 Speaker 2: I'm going to say again, controlling the narrative because other 715 00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:22,640 Speaker 2: people are thinking they got their own shit, their own stuff, 716 00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:26,760 Speaker 2: and so that gives you the space and the freedom 717 00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:31,359 Speaker 2: to just express yourself. Who cares? Really? Who cares? I 718 00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:33,920 Speaker 2: value people more when they're honest like that. 719 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:38,040 Speaker 1: Ah totally, Which brings me to a couple of moms 720 00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:40,640 Speaker 1: saying this our final talk point, which is like what 721 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:43,480 Speaker 1: to look for in a healthy relationship. Because I was 722 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:46,440 Speaker 1: that girl that just did this sat like I'd be like, 723 00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:50,440 Speaker 1: oh he's bailly, but next minute, Okay, this is my 724 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:54,400 Speaker 1: own fucked up stuff that's really liking these qualities because 725 00:36:54,640 --> 00:36:56,600 Speaker 1: a friend of mine said, Loly, you keep bringing this 726 00:36:56,800 --> 00:37:00,279 Speaker 1: mirror of like people that don't really like themselves. Do 727 00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:02,680 Speaker 1: you not like yourself? And I was like, shit, that's 728 00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:05,160 Speaker 1: a hard pill to swallow. And it took me a 729 00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:07,200 Speaker 1: lot of years of doing the exact same thing. And 730 00:37:07,239 --> 00:37:12,120 Speaker 1: it wasn't until I met somebody that was so already 731 00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:14,680 Speaker 1: doing the work on themselves and I was as well. 732 00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:18,400 Speaker 1: And I remember I was on a date with the 733 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:21,000 Speaker 1: last person that I saw before I met my legend 734 00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:24,520 Speaker 1: of a boyfriend shown out again Bosso, and I said 735 00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:26,959 Speaker 1: to him. My therapist at the time, said, just tell 736 00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:30,400 Speaker 1: him that you've got a life coach and therapist in 737 00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:32,360 Speaker 1: your corner. Just tell him and he goes, I go, 738 00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:34,680 Speaker 1: why would that matter? And he goes, Just watch his reaction. 739 00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:36,520 Speaker 1: So this was the same person that said to me, 740 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:39,680 Speaker 1: you're fucked up. I'm fucked up. We're both fucked up. 741 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:43,080 Speaker 1: Right when I questioned his behavior, and I said, oh, hey, 742 00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:47,880 Speaker 1: you know, I think you should know that I've you know, 743 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,000 Speaker 1: I've got a therapist, I've got a life coach, I've 744 00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:52,640 Speaker 1: got a hypnotherapist. Like I was really open, and I 745 00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:56,239 Speaker 1: watched the judgment just like wash over his face, and 746 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,200 Speaker 1: in that moment my intuition was like, oh, you're never 747 00:37:59,239 --> 00:38:01,200 Speaker 1: going to date this person. And again like I just knew, 748 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:04,239 Speaker 1: and it was like I didn't want it anymore because 749 00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:09,120 Speaker 1: I just knew we were on completely different emotional journeys. 750 00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:13,920 Speaker 1: And I remember my second date with Matt, my partner 751 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,160 Speaker 1: of like four years now. I was like, I'm getting 752 00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:18,040 Speaker 1: this one out of the way early, and I said, 753 00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:21,400 Speaker 1: you should know, you know, I've I've got I really 754 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:23,640 Speaker 1: believe in working on myself. Did the list of everything 755 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:26,960 Speaker 1: I do and he said, I find that so attractive 756 00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:30,600 Speaker 1: because I do too, And what a game changer. And 757 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:33,120 Speaker 1: so this is my last question, is like what should 758 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:36,000 Speaker 1: we be looking for in a healthy relationship and sustainable 759 00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:37,400 Speaker 1: long term relationship. 760 00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:41,239 Speaker 2: You want to look for a consistency. Yeah, okay, So 761 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:45,000 Speaker 2: that means sometimes okay, I commit and then I uncommit, 762 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:47,839 Speaker 2: but at least I let you know, you know, like, hey, 763 00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:50,439 Speaker 2: I know we had plans, but I have to cancel them. 764 00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:52,080 Speaker 2: But let's make it for tomorrow night instead. 765 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:53,080 Speaker 1: Can you do that? Yeah? 766 00:38:53,239 --> 00:38:55,520 Speaker 2: Not keeping it open ended and canceling and. 767 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,120 Speaker 1: Right, yeah bullshit? 768 00:38:57,680 --> 00:39:00,279 Speaker 2: And you know, so that right there, and then when 769 00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,560 Speaker 2: you start dating somebody, it's the progression. You want to 770 00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:06,080 Speaker 2: see the relationship progress. Relationships that are unhealthy don't progress. 771 00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:09,000 Speaker 2: They kind of stay in that first stage or some stage, 772 00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:10,799 Speaker 2: and you can tell because you don't feel right and 773 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:13,319 Speaker 2: you're always going, what's wrong here? I don't know about this. 774 00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:17,800 Speaker 2: The other thing is communication, because you want to be 775 00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:21,279 Speaker 2: able to be exactly who you are and communicate with 776 00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:27,160 Speaker 2: self responsibility, taking responsibility for your own bullshit. What you say, 777 00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:29,200 Speaker 2: what you do, what you think, what you feel, all 778 00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:32,480 Speaker 2: of those are your responsibility. They're not another person's responsibility. 779 00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:34,920 Speaker 2: Anytime you want to throw that shit into the middle 780 00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:38,839 Speaker 2: of the relationship, you're creating a dysfunctional relationship. You own 781 00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:42,200 Speaker 2: your stuff, that person owns their stuff, and it creates 782 00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:46,680 Speaker 2: a completely different world because then you realize, oh, oh 783 00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:48,520 Speaker 2: wait a minute, I'm looking around the room by the way, 784 00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:54,600 Speaker 2: but you really realize, oh, I have to show up. 785 00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:57,160 Speaker 1: And it's like what you were saying, how you were 786 00:39:57,200 --> 00:40:00,400 Speaker 1: saying to your husband, Hey, I feel shit today reflection 787 00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:02,840 Speaker 1: to him. That's just you being honest about where you 788 00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:05,880 Speaker 1: are right now. And my boyfriend I do this thing 789 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:08,080 Speaker 1: and were checking because he's in Australia and I'm in America, 790 00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:09,880 Speaker 1: and we cop a lot of flack for being in 791 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:12,440 Speaker 1: different parts of the world for six months at a time. 792 00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:14,480 Speaker 1: Like a lot of people will be like, how do 793 00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:17,000 Speaker 1: you make it work? And this you know, this couldn't work, 794 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,920 Speaker 1: and we're like, are you kidding? This is we feel 795 00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:22,040 Speaker 1: so free to chase our dreams and like we've got 796 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:25,359 Speaker 1: this teammate and we're still ourselves even though we're a 797 00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:28,280 Speaker 1: team as well, but it's this exactly what you said, 798 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:31,400 Speaker 1: this open communication. Every day we check him, I'll be like, 799 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:33,920 Speaker 1: how does your heart feel? How do you feel? And 800 00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:37,279 Speaker 1: we have this like moment where we'll we like Matt 801 00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:39,400 Speaker 1: might go, oh, my anxiety doesn't feel great today, and 802 00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:41,759 Speaker 1: I'm like, that's okay, cool, How good that you know 803 00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:44,120 Speaker 1: it and you can you can see that that's what's 804 00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:46,200 Speaker 1: going on, you can feel that that's what's going on. 805 00:40:46,719 --> 00:40:50,279 Speaker 1: And sometimes I'll be like, ah, frustrated today He's like, yeah, 806 00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:52,440 Speaker 1: that's okay, Like do you know what I mean? I 807 00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:56,600 Speaker 1: love that like that communication honestly with no judgment as 808 00:40:56,640 --> 00:41:00,719 Speaker 1: well or no fear of judgment. I think that's right. 809 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:05,040 Speaker 2: I totally agree with you because it gives you emotional 810 00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:06,560 Speaker 2: freedom to be you. 811 00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:10,960 Speaker 1: Oh I love okay, I have to ask you. This 812 00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:12,840 Speaker 1: is the final bit, but it's because I want to 813 00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:14,759 Speaker 1: link your book in the show notes. I'm going to 814 00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:17,560 Speaker 1: link all your in star everything your pod. You're wonderful 815 00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:20,200 Speaker 1: pobly with over six hundred episodes in the show notes. 816 00:41:20,239 --> 00:41:22,799 Speaker 1: But you are the author of a book. Now it's 817 00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:25,160 Speaker 1: got one title, which. 818 00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:28,280 Speaker 2: Is overcoming Insecure Attachment. 819 00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:30,120 Speaker 1: And what did you want it to be called? 820 00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:34,319 Speaker 2: So originally how I got my literary agent and now 821 00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:37,719 Speaker 2: when she actually sold my book, it was sold as 822 00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:40,719 Speaker 2: deal with it. We're all fucked up. Eight Ways to 823 00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:42,719 Speaker 2: Happiness no matter what the fuck is going on. 824 00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:46,400 Speaker 1: Oh mate, I love this. I'm going to pop links 825 00:41:46,400 --> 00:41:48,839 Speaker 1: in the show notes so everyone can get a hold 826 00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:51,400 Speaker 1: of you. And I think you're wonderful. 827 00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:53,640 Speaker 2: Well, thank you. I think you're wonderful too. 828 00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:54,960 Speaker 1: Thanks for jumping on the pod. 829 00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:57,719 Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, anytime, big love. 830 00:41:59,239 --> 00:42:04,880 Speaker 1: That's a wrap on another episode of Fearlessly Failing. As always, 831 00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:08,400 Speaker 1: thank you to our guests, and let's continue the conversation 832 00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:14,319 Speaker 1: on Instagram. I'm at Yamo Lollerberry. This potty my word 833 00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:19,120 Speaker 1: for podcast is available on all streaming platforms. I'd love 834 00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:22,640 Speaker 1: it if you could subscribe, rape and comment and of course, 835 00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:23,799 Speaker 1: spread the love