WEBVTT - Is your name wi-fi cause I'm feeling a connection -  Talking connection and compatibility with Dr Ali Walker

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<v Speaker 1>Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands

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<v Speaker 1>were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders

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<v Speaker 1>past and present.

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<v Speaker 2>Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land.

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<v Speaker 1>Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm Brittany and I'm Laura.

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<v Speaker 1>And on today's episode, we're gonna be unpacking the brand

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<v Speaker 1>new documentary on Disney Plus Pretty Baby. Now. Pretty Baby

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<v Speaker 1>is a documentary about Brookshield's life, but not just her life.

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<v Speaker 1>It's about the hyper sexualization she experienced as a child

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<v Speaker 1>actor and a child model and it's truly mind blowing.

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<v Speaker 2>It really is. And I thought when I first watched

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<v Speaker 2>this doco, I was like, this would never fly today.

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<v Speaker 2>But the thing that we're talking about in this episode

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<v Speaker 2>is how prevalent sexualization of miners still is in pop culture.

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<v Speaker 2>We're also talking to doctor Ali Walker.

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<v Speaker 1>Now.

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<v Speaker 2>Doctor Ali Walker is a human connection and scientists. She

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<v Speaker 2>is the author of Click and Clash. We talked to

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<v Speaker 2>doctor Ali about compatibility in relationships, not just romantic relationships

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<v Speaker 2>but all relationships, and why is it that we click

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<v Speaker 2>with some people so deeply and so quickly, and why

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<v Speaker 2>we can feel as though we clash with others without

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<v Speaker 2>really understanding why.

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<v Speaker 1>But before we speak to Ali, we're going to unpack

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<v Speaker 1>all your confessions. So let's get into it.

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<v Speaker 2>It's that weird time of year now where the hot

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<v Speaker 2>Cross buns are going to leave our shopping centers. What's next? Oh,

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<v Speaker 2>I know it's next. It's Halloween.

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<v Speaker 1>What's next? Christmas is next, Laura? Then we all die,

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<v Speaker 1>We all die.

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<v Speaker 2>Grim.

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like life's going really fast.

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<v Speaker 2>It's Halloween, That's what's going to happen, although I'm going

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<v Speaker 2>to hold onto it for dear life for a little

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<v Speaker 2>bit longer. Okay, a couple of.

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<v Speaker 1>Things I want to say here. I saw Maddie Jay's

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<v Speaker 1>story about the Hot Cross bun chocolate hot Cross bun

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<v Speaker 1>for sure, not fruit hot chocolate Hot Cross buns.

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<v Speaker 2>So if you don't know what BRIT's talking about, Matt

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<v Speaker 2>made the world's dumbest skit, probably the dumbest piece of

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<v Speaker 2>content he's ever made today about when you go to

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<v Speaker 2>the shopping center and you buy hot Cross buns, but

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<v Speaker 2>you accidentally buy the wrong kind. We had a moment

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<v Speaker 2>over the weekend where we'd stopped up because even though

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<v Speaker 2>we're adults, we have no idea. What days the shopping

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<v Speaker 2>centers are closed and the grocery stores are closed over Easter.

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<v Speaker 2>So we were like, fuck fan for yourselves. It's four

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<v Speaker 2>days everything shut and it's.

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<v Speaker 1>Like the whole COVID toilet paper gate again, where you like,

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<v Speaker 1>I better get all the hot Cross buns just in

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<v Speaker 1>case the shop's closed and I can't come back and

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<v Speaker 1>get them.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, Thursday last week, we stop part. We were like,

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<v Speaker 2>the shops are closed for a week. We stopped part

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<v Speaker 2>all the top paper, we stopp pad all the Hot

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<v Speaker 2>Cross buns. And then we got home and realized we

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<v Speaker 2>bought chocolate ones and it was truly devastating because it's

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<v Speaker 2>just not our gems, not ever.

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<v Speaker 1>Personally, I don't mind the chocolate hot Cross one thirty

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<v Speaker 1>seconds in the microwave done. If there's no chocolate, I

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<v Speaker 1>will have a raisin one. But that says a backup

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<v Speaker 1>to the chocolate.

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<v Speaker 2>What sort of animal is microwaving? They're Hot Cross buns.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, it's the bomb. And you know what Sherry, my sister,

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<v Speaker 1>used to do. Now she's a nutritionist, but she'll tell

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<v Speaker 1>you this anyway. She used to go one step extra

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<v Speaker 1>and put a chocolate egg in the hot Cross bun

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<v Speaker 1>and then put it in the microwave so that.

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<v Speaker 2>It extra melts through the hot cross.

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<v Speaker 1>Bun and then should eat a double chocolate hot crossbun?

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<v Speaker 2>Was this since becoming a nutritionist or prior to Oh yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, fine, No, she's a great nutritionist in terms of

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<v Speaker 1>like balance.

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<v Speaker 2>Live your best life. Easter is so different when you

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<v Speaker 2>have two little children. Easter is all about Easter egg hunts.

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<v Speaker 2>We did so many goddamn Easter egg hunts. My children

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<v Speaker 2>think the Easter bunny comes for like five days straight.

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<v Speaker 2>It's Monday, and the kids walk up this morning and

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<v Speaker 2>they were like, did the Easter bunny come last night?

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<v Speaker 2>Walk down into the garden and started looking under things,

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<v Speaker 2>and then we're pissed at the Easter bunny that he

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<v Speaker 2>didn't leave more eggs.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, very selfish of this money. But doesn't the

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<v Speaker 1>Easter money just come one day?

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<v Speaker 3>Yes?

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<v Speaker 2>But I feel like things have morphed over time because

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<v Speaker 2>back when we were kids, the Easter bunny came one

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<v Speaker 2>day and you did one Easter egg hunt. But now

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<v Speaker 2>it's like you go and do an Easter egg hunt

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<v Speaker 2>at your friend's house or at your NaN's house or

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<v Speaker 2>at your mom's house. There's so many Easter egg hunts,

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<v Speaker 2>and that was my entire weekend. But on top of that,

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know if you guys remember a couple of

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<v Speaker 2>weeks ago, I was telling you this is we share

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<v Speaker 2>way too much with you, But you know what, You're

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<v Speaker 2>in the inner sanctum, So I'll keep on telling you.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm going to have a colonoscopy. And that is happening.

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<v Speaker 1>Breaking news.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, hello, everybody, I'm having a colonoscopy. After interviewing Kelly

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<v Speaker 2>the other week, I really took it seriously and I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, this needs to get fast tracked totally. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>having it tomorrow, which if you've ever had a colonoscopy before,

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<v Speaker 2>you would know, and if you haven't, i'll explain it

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<v Speaker 2>to you. You have to be on a white diet

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<v Speaker 2>for forty eight hours prior to the colonoscopy, and then

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<v Speaker 2>you've got to do this thing. It's I think it's

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<v Speaker 2>called like Peco prep or something where basically you just

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<v Speaker 2>shot yourself for an entire day. Yes, accurate. So I

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<v Speaker 2>didn't really think about it when I booked this in,

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<v Speaker 2>and they take so long to book in with a

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<v Speaker 2>specialist appointment. I booked it in for the day after Easter,

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<v Speaker 2>so I have only been eating white food for the

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<v Speaker 2>last two days. Everyone's been having chocolate, Everyone's been eating

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<v Speaker 2>like beautiful roast dinners and having this gorgeous family time.

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<v Speaker 2>And I sat there last night and ate bone broth

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<v Speaker 2>rice and a piece of white fish, and I felt

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<v Speaker 2>really sorry for myself.

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<v Speaker 1>You know who'd be proud, Gwyneth Paltrow. She'd be proud

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<v Speaker 1>that bone broth for didn't for.

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<v Speaker 2>The collagen and some air.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, look, it's very unfortunate timing to have to

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<v Speaker 1>do picko prep literally over the East weekend.

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<v Speaker 2>You have to drink like three cups of laxatives and

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<v Speaker 2>then never leave your house. That's pretty much where I'm

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<v Speaker 2>at now. You are still in Scotland at the moment

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<v Speaker 2>when it's just the two of you. Did you do Easter?

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<v Speaker 2>Did you have any sort of like special moment where

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<v Speaker 2>you bought each other in Easter egg?

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<v Speaker 1>I did not do that. I forgot hand on heart. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm going to say this right now. I've actually had

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<v Speaker 1>a fit to drink over the weekend, so I've got

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<v Speaker 1>a bit of a rusty throat. But something has happened

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<v Speaker 1>to me that has never happened really before. But I

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<v Speaker 1>am wildly obsessed with Ben.

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<v Speaker 2>What do you mean that has never happened before. No,

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<v Speaker 2>you have definitely been obsessed. I'm very glad that you're

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<v Speaker 2>obsessed with Ben. It's cute, it's adorable. I'm all for it. Yay,

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<v Speaker 2>bring in don Flag. But I think you forget that

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<v Speaker 2>you have been wildly obsessed with men in the past.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah. No, The thing I'm gonna say is it's not

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<v Speaker 1>the obsessed part. I'm wildly obsessed right now, but what

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<v Speaker 1>it's done to me is the new part. I for

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<v Speaker 1>the first time ever. I hate to label it, but

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<v Speaker 1>I'm needy, Like I'm really needy, and I'm not used

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<v Speaker 1>to that. Well, I've created this thing, and I think

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<v Speaker 1>he hates it when I say I made a rule

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<v Speaker 1>in the you know how you make rules in your

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<v Speaker 1>own relationship, but like not like you can't cheat. My

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<v Speaker 1>rule is like when I say magnet, we have to

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<v Speaker 1>go together like a magnet, he has to give me

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<v Speaker 1>a cuddle. I have to, like you know what I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>Like when magnet it's so stiff anyway I say magnet,

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<v Speaker 1>But now I just walk around and say magnet all

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<v Speaker 1>the time, and I'm stuck to him like rash and

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<v Speaker 1>I've never experienced before. I am needy.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm needy.

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<v Speaker 1>It's fucked. It's so fucked, and I need to get

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<v Speaker 1>out of it. But I also don't know if it's

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<v Speaker 1>because I know I'm on a time limit, Like I

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<v Speaker 1>know I'm only on two weeks at a time, so

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like I'm trying to get it all in

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<v Speaker 1>it and you know, get all my time, But I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know what's happening. You probably know because you've done

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<v Speaker 1>this for twenty five years.

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<v Speaker 2>I've not been in a relationship for twenty five years.

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<v Speaker 2>We've in a relation for six years now, which is

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<v Speaker 2>truly not that long considering how many children we've pumped out. No,

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<v Speaker 2>but you know, when you're in that very first stage

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<v Speaker 2>as of a relationship where you start to do the

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<v Speaker 2>little weird, quirky things that like make your relationship unique,

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<v Speaker 2>but also to other people they're just weird. Oh tidd So,

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<v Speaker 2>like whenever Matt was angry, I used to hug him

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<v Speaker 2>and squeeze him tight, and I'd be like squeezing all

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<v Speaker 2>the grumpies out, squish them all out. That would have

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<v Speaker 2>made him so much more mad, so pathetic, and it

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<v Speaker 2>makes everybody listening to this feel like I'm so embarrassed

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<v Speaker 2>for you. But these are the things that we all

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<v Speaker 2>do when we're in your relationship, sho.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't think anyone's embarrassed. I think everyone has this

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<v Speaker 1>one of these stupid little things and you don't even

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<v Speaker 1>know how it happens, Like, you don't even know how

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<v Speaker 1>it comes up.

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<v Speaker 2>If you're somebody who has like a completely weird that

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<v Speaker 2>no one else would understand quirk that you do with

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<v Speaker 2>your partner, send them in. I reckon, We're going to

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<v Speaker 2>get thousands. I want to hear it, and we can

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<v Speaker 2>all use them to annoy our now long term partners.

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<v Speaker 2>Something that I saw over the weekend I watched this

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<v Speaker 2>documentary on Disney. It is called Pretty Baby, and it's

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<v Speaker 2>all about Brookshields and her guess like her autobiography and

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<v Speaker 2>the life that she lived when she was ridiculously uber

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<v Speaker 2>famous when she was very very young. Britt I got

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<v Speaker 2>you to watch it because I was in disbelief, And

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<v Speaker 2>if you haven't seen it yet, this is absolutely my

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<v Speaker 2>recommendation for this week, go and watch Pretty Baby on Disney.

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<v Speaker 2>Plast not sponsored, just fucking eye opening, Like I was hooked.

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<v Speaker 1>For those people before we get into this conversation, because

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<v Speaker 1>it's a fucking crazy conversation and it's for those that

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<v Speaker 1>don't know who Brookshields is, maybe our younger audience. Brooks Shields,

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<v Speaker 1>she's fifty seven now, but she since the age of

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<v Speaker 1>like two years old, has been in the media, so

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<v Speaker 1>her entire life. But for us growing up, she was

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<v Speaker 1>the epitome of fame. She was fame. She was an

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<v Speaker 1>amazing model, she was an amazing actress, she was a

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<v Speaker 1>child actress. She married the world number one tennis champion

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<v Speaker 1>Andre Agacy, Like from age like fifteen to twenty five,

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<v Speaker 1>she was Hollywood. So just so you understand, in case

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<v Speaker 1>you don't know who Brookshields is, that was her. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like a lot of people would remember them

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<v Speaker 1>that she did Blue Lagoon. Even if you don't know

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<v Speaker 1>who Brookshields is, you might have heard of Blue Lagoon. Well, see,

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't watch it. I never watched Blue Lagoon.

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<v Speaker 2>It was so fucking iconic, Like I remember watching it

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<v Speaker 2>when I was about fifteen years old. So if you

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<v Speaker 2>haven't seen it, it's this real sounds cliche, but like

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<v Speaker 2>coming of age movie where she hits puberty and she

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<v Speaker 2>discovers how like sexual desire, and she starts to get

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<v Speaker 2>those tingly feelings and wants to have sex with the boy. Now, weirdly,

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<v Speaker 2>that boy actually is her cousin and they live on

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<v Speaker 2>a deserted island. But I remember watching it as like

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<v Speaker 2>a fifteen year old girl and being just entranced by one.

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<v Speaker 2>She was so beautiful and stunning and perfect. But just

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<v Speaker 2>the fact that she was navigating what sexuality was on

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<v Speaker 2>screen in front of us. There was nothing else that

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<v Speaker 2>existed like it.

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<v Speaker 1>You were just a horny teenager at home with your

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<v Speaker 1>friends watching.

0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:52.560
<v Speaker 2>Yes, I was a horny teenager who was like, that's

0:09:52.600 --> 0:09:54.000
<v Speaker 2>what I'm feeling, Not that I want to have sex

0:09:54.000 --> 0:09:58.280
<v Speaker 2>with my cousin, because that's weird. I also have Okay,

0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:01.440
<v Speaker 2>I also have Fanny Flatters. But the thing is watching

0:10:01.440 --> 0:10:04.280
<v Speaker 2>her back now as like an adult and understanding her

0:10:04.520 --> 0:10:08.640
<v Speaker 2>story and her background. It's so interesting to look at

0:10:08.679 --> 0:10:11.760
<v Speaker 2>that movie with a very, very different lens. She was

0:10:11.800 --> 0:10:15.360
<v Speaker 2>only fifteen at the time of filming it. The boy

0:10:15.480 --> 0:10:18.480
<v Speaker 2>who played the role of her cousin was nineteen years old,

0:10:18.559 --> 0:10:22.360
<v Speaker 2>so she'd never had sex. She was underage, she was

0:10:22.400 --> 0:10:26.240
<v Speaker 2>being hyper sexualized in this role and being held up

0:10:26.280 --> 0:10:29.600
<v Speaker 2>as like a sex icon and sex symbol when she

0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:31.640
<v Speaker 2>was still a child and she was still trying to

0:10:31.720 --> 0:10:35.200
<v Speaker 2>understand what all that meant for herself. It completely changed

0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:38.400
<v Speaker 2>the way that media treated her. So she would sit

0:10:38.480 --> 0:10:41.559
<v Speaker 2>and go to interview, say like the equivalent of like

0:10:41.600 --> 0:10:45.719
<v Speaker 2>a Saturday Night Live, for example, and the male interviewers

0:10:45.960 --> 0:10:47.920
<v Speaker 2>would say, well, it's going to be hard for me

0:10:48.000 --> 0:10:50.320
<v Speaker 2>to see you as a child after this. When she

0:10:50.480 --> 0:10:54.360
<v Speaker 2>was literally a child, it was disgusting. But she was

0:10:54.400 --> 0:10:56.520
<v Speaker 2>also i mean just touched on what you said, brit

0:10:56.520 --> 0:10:59.720
<v Speaker 2>in terms of her like immense stardom. She was like

0:11:00.080 --> 0:11:03.120
<v Speaker 2>the face and body of a huge Calvin Kleian campaign

0:11:03.240 --> 0:11:06.600
<v Speaker 2>which was like an overtly sexual campaign. Also when she

0:11:06.720 --> 0:11:10.040
<v Speaker 2>was underage, it was like she became the sex symbol

0:11:10.080 --> 0:11:12.840
<v Speaker 2>of that era, but the whole time she wasn't even

0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:13.640
<v Speaker 2>eighteen years old.

0:11:13.880 --> 0:11:16.839
<v Speaker 1>Well that's what this documentary is. The underlying feature here

0:11:16.960 --> 0:11:19.880
<v Speaker 1>is the whole premise, The whole purpose has created is

0:11:19.920 --> 0:11:23.720
<v Speaker 1>to shine a light on the over sexualization of children

0:11:23.760 --> 0:11:27.000
<v Speaker 1>in Hollywood, the sexualization of her and the pushing and

0:11:27.000 --> 0:11:30.000
<v Speaker 1>the control from her mum who was an alcoholic into fame.

0:11:30.280 --> 0:11:33.200
<v Speaker 1>Now as an adult, you look back at what we

0:11:33.280 --> 0:11:37.240
<v Speaker 1>used to watch, like the Blue Lagoon. You fucking loved it.

0:11:37.280 --> 0:11:39.880
<v Speaker 1>You were fifteen, you didn't understand what it was. We

0:11:39.920 --> 0:11:42.199
<v Speaker 1>look back now after listening to what she went through

0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:45.480
<v Speaker 1>to make those movies for our entertainment, and it makes

0:11:45.520 --> 0:11:46.720
<v Speaker 1>me feel physically ill.

0:11:47.040 --> 0:11:49.360
<v Speaker 2>There's actually this great quote that I read when I

0:11:49.440 --> 0:11:51.840
<v Speaker 2>was reading up on this, and it was this sexualization

0:11:51.920 --> 0:11:54.280
<v Speaker 2>is so embedded in our media that many times we

0:11:54.320 --> 0:11:56.360
<v Speaker 2>may not even recognize it when it comes out in

0:11:56.360 --> 0:11:58.720
<v Speaker 2>front of us. Something like a pageant where young girls

0:11:58.760 --> 0:12:02.280
<v Speaker 2>addressed in suggestive costume can start to impress that sexuality.

0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:04.240
<v Speaker 2>You don't have to look far into the media to

0:12:04.240 --> 0:12:07.880
<v Speaker 2>discover rampant over sexualization of young people. And I guess

0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:10.800
<v Speaker 2>the big thing is with this, Britt is I would

0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:13.560
<v Speaker 2>never at that age, and also, I mean it was

0:12:13.559 --> 0:12:16.440
<v Speaker 2>a fluw reflection of my age have watched Blue Lagoon

0:12:16.520 --> 0:12:18.920
<v Speaker 2>and seen it as being problematic, and seen it as

0:12:18.960 --> 0:12:23.520
<v Speaker 2>being something that the adults around Brooke, who was only

0:12:23.520 --> 0:12:27.320
<v Speaker 2>fifteen at the time, had dictated. And I guess forced

0:12:27.360 --> 0:12:30.040
<v Speaker 2>her into not forced, because I know obviously she agreed

0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:32.400
<v Speaker 2>to but when you are a child yourself and you're

0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:36.800
<v Speaker 2>not understanding the complex concepts that you're performing, they're the

0:12:36.800 --> 0:12:39.240
<v Speaker 2>ones that are supposed to protect you, but they're the

0:12:39.280 --> 0:12:42.320
<v Speaker 2>ones that are actually guiding you into being even more sexualized.

0:12:42.679 --> 0:12:44.480
<v Speaker 2>And I think when I was watching this with Matt,

0:12:44.559 --> 0:12:47.080
<v Speaker 2>I was like, Oh my god, this would never happen today.

0:12:47.440 --> 0:12:49.120
<v Speaker 2>We were talking about it and I was like, this

0:12:49.320 --> 0:12:52.320
<v Speaker 2>doesn't exist today. And then the more that we got

0:12:52.360 --> 0:12:55.439
<v Speaker 2>talking about it, the more that I think we realized.

0:12:56.080 --> 0:13:01.120
<v Speaker 2>The over sexualization of teenagers across say film, click, across TikTok,

0:13:01.200 --> 0:13:05.240
<v Speaker 2>across social media. It still exists. It just doesn't exist

0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:08.480
<v Speaker 2>as overtly and in the exact same way. Now. There

0:13:08.520 --> 0:13:10.600
<v Speaker 2>was one other thing that happened in this documentary when

0:13:10.640 --> 0:13:13.760
<v Speaker 2>Brooke was talking about how she got into the industry

0:13:13.800 --> 0:13:19.320
<v Speaker 2>basically and when the sexualization started. She was eleven years

0:13:19.320 --> 0:13:22.640
<v Speaker 2>old in her very first movie, and she played a

0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:25.560
<v Speaker 2>child prostitute. So basically she was the child of a

0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:28.880
<v Speaker 2>prostitute who lived in the early nineteen hundreds. It's based

0:13:28.920 --> 0:13:31.240
<v Speaker 2>on a true story actually, but she was only eleven

0:13:31.320 --> 0:13:34.040
<v Speaker 2>years old when she was playing the role of this character,

0:13:34.520 --> 0:13:37.840
<v Speaker 2>and her virginity was being sold to a older man.

0:13:38.280 --> 0:13:40.320
<v Speaker 2>Some of the stuff that Brooke was having to say,

0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:44.320
<v Speaker 2>as like her scripted lines, it's truly disgusting, like talking

0:13:44.360 --> 0:13:46.720
<v Speaker 2>about the heat coming out of her dress at eleven

0:13:46.800 --> 0:13:49.480
<v Speaker 2>years old, she wouldn't have even understood what she was saying.

0:13:49.640 --> 0:13:51.920
<v Speaker 2>And on top of that, she had her very first kiss.

0:13:52.040 --> 0:13:53.920
<v Speaker 2>When I say, her very first kiss on screen and

0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:56.840
<v Speaker 2>also in real life, because the girl was eleven with

0:13:56.920 --> 0:13:59.760
<v Speaker 2>a twenty nine year old man. I cannot believe that

0:13:59.840 --> 0:14:02.320
<v Speaker 2>nobody in that room stood there and went, this is

0:14:02.360 --> 0:14:05.480
<v Speaker 2>not appropriate for a child. But that happened, and that

0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:08.240
<v Speaker 2>went to air, and it was a huge movie across

0:14:08.280 --> 0:14:09.560
<v Speaker 2>the States and across Europe.

0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:12.360
<v Speaker 1>Well, that movie is pretty much what flung her into

0:14:12.400 --> 0:14:14.640
<v Speaker 1>the spotlight more so than she already was because she

0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:16.720
<v Speaker 1>was sort of people knew who she was, but that

0:14:16.840 --> 0:14:19.040
<v Speaker 1>was a movie that really put her on the grid,

0:14:19.080 --> 0:14:21.880
<v Speaker 1>put her on people's radar. It's disgusting to watch, like

0:14:21.920 --> 0:14:24.920
<v Speaker 1>we just said, it wouldn't happen now, Like Euphoria is

0:14:24.960 --> 0:14:28.760
<v Speaker 1>a really good example, we're seeing teenagers doing sex, drugs,

0:14:28.880 --> 0:14:32.440
<v Speaker 1>doing sex, doing the sex. They're doing the sex, they're

0:14:32.480 --> 0:14:35.600
<v Speaker 1>doing the drugs, but they're twenty twenty one up to

0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:38.200
<v Speaker 1>twenty five. They're twenty five year old's playing those characters.

0:14:38.240 --> 0:14:40.440
<v Speaker 1>They're not going out and grabbing a thirteen year old

0:14:40.480 --> 0:14:42.520
<v Speaker 1>or a fourteen year old and putting them on. It's

0:14:42.560 --> 0:14:43.560
<v Speaker 1>not the done thing anymore.

0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:47.080
<v Speaker 2>Well, I mean, it's also still permeated all throughout our upbringings.

0:14:47.080 --> 0:14:49.920
<v Speaker 2>Like think about our childhoods and like the icons that

0:14:49.960 --> 0:14:51.720
<v Speaker 2>we looked up to and emulated when we were in

0:14:51.760 --> 0:14:54.960
<v Speaker 2>our teens. I remember Britney Spears, and I mean fucking

0:14:55.000 --> 0:14:58.240
<v Speaker 2>everyone remembers Britney Spears. But think about that film clip,

0:14:58.320 --> 0:15:00.720
<v Speaker 2>Hit Me Baby one more time. She's dressed in a

0:15:00.760 --> 0:15:04.400
<v Speaker 2>school uniform. She's in a school, she's at the school chorls,

0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:07.600
<v Speaker 2>she's at the school. She's wearing a tiny little skirt,

0:15:07.800 --> 0:15:10.640
<v Speaker 2>she's wearing a tiny little blouse buttoned down. And I

0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:13.400
<v Speaker 2>understand that she's obviously trying to or the people who

0:15:13.440 --> 0:15:16.880
<v Speaker 2>created that concept are obviously trying to appeal to people

0:15:16.960 --> 0:15:20.240
<v Speaker 2>her age, but they're selling people her age, which was

0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:23.440
<v Speaker 2>you and me at that time. Sex. They were selling

0:15:23.560 --> 0:15:27.040
<v Speaker 2>us this sexualized version of a teenager, and we fucking

0:15:27.120 --> 0:15:29.040
<v Speaker 2>lapped it up, and none of us thought that was

0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:30.000
<v Speaker 2>weird at the time, it.

0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:32.120
<v Speaker 1>Was everywhere, But you don't think it. You sucked into

0:15:32.160 --> 0:15:33.200
<v Speaker 1>it because sex cells.

0:15:33.400 --> 0:15:34.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And I think you don't think it because it

0:15:34.920 --> 0:15:37.240
<v Speaker 2>truly is everywhere. And when I was looking into this

0:15:37.400 --> 0:15:39.560
<v Speaker 2>and the more examples of it that I thought in

0:15:39.640 --> 0:15:42.040
<v Speaker 2>terms of like what's been happening in recent times, so

0:15:42.120 --> 0:15:44.320
<v Speaker 2>many of us would know, like Billie Eilish, for example,

0:15:44.320 --> 0:15:47.360
<v Speaker 2>and how she wears like the baggy oversized clothes. Now

0:15:47.360 --> 0:15:50.160
<v Speaker 2>Billie Eilish is twenty one, I think now, but she's

0:15:50.240 --> 0:15:53.240
<v Speaker 2>always worn baggy, oversized clothes and has made a real

0:15:53.280 --> 0:15:56.280
<v Speaker 2>statement that it's because she doesn't want to be sexualized.

0:15:56.400 --> 0:15:58.480
<v Speaker 2>She wants people to focus on the music, not on

0:15:58.520 --> 0:16:01.960
<v Speaker 2>how she looks. In twenty nineteen, there was a photo

0:16:02.000 --> 0:16:04.360
<v Speaker 2>that circulated of her. She was wearing a krop top.

0:16:04.520 --> 0:16:06.960
<v Speaker 2>It was taken it like a meet and greet backstage,

0:16:07.280 --> 0:16:10.000
<v Speaker 2>and not only was it circulated, it went viral. There

0:16:10.000 --> 0:16:13.760
<v Speaker 2>were so many news articles around what Billie Eilish looked

0:16:13.840 --> 0:16:15.520
<v Speaker 2>like when she was wearing a crop top and how

0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:18.320
<v Speaker 2>sexy she was. But she was underage at the time,

0:16:18.680 --> 0:16:20.600
<v Speaker 2>and it's like, at what point has it ever been

0:16:20.640 --> 0:16:23.720
<v Speaker 2>appropriate to talk about sixteen year olds or fifteen year

0:16:23.720 --> 0:16:26.760
<v Speaker 2>olds in this way. But yet it still happens all

0:16:26.800 --> 0:16:29.760
<v Speaker 2>the time. Kids are so exposed to it from so

0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:33.120
<v Speaker 2>young in so many different ways that even just the

0:16:33.160 --> 0:16:35.680
<v Speaker 2>other day, I put on music and Maley was dancing

0:16:35.680 --> 0:16:38.640
<v Speaker 2>in front of the TV. She's three and a half,

0:16:39.320 --> 0:16:43.360
<v Speaker 2>and the little hip thrust and the way in which

0:16:43.400 --> 0:16:45.640
<v Speaker 2>she was dancing, well, you're like, where did you see that?

0:16:45.800 --> 0:16:48.200
<v Speaker 2>And they have like they've absorbed it from somewhere, whether

0:16:48.280 --> 0:16:50.760
<v Speaker 2>it's been from watching something on social media or seeing

0:16:50.840 --> 0:16:54.120
<v Speaker 2>something on YouTube, but they just absorb it and then

0:16:54.160 --> 0:16:55.160
<v Speaker 2>it becomes normal.

0:16:55.560 --> 0:16:57.240
<v Speaker 1>But there are kids all in the world on YouTube

0:16:57.280 --> 0:17:00.920
<v Speaker 1>and TikTok and Instagram where their accounts are being run

0:17:01.000 --> 0:17:06.240
<v Speaker 1>by their parents, but they're making absolute bank off promoting

0:17:06.280 --> 0:17:09.080
<v Speaker 1>their children. And now we talked about it recently. Is

0:17:09.119 --> 0:17:12.760
<v Speaker 1>it unboxing a toy that's okay? Is that okay? Is

0:17:12.800 --> 0:17:15.359
<v Speaker 1>it that they're making their children do beauty pagets and

0:17:15.440 --> 0:17:17.000
<v Speaker 1>dancing and that's how they're making me their money? I

0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:19.000
<v Speaker 1>don't know, But there are kids out there with a

0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:21.800
<v Speaker 1>ridiculous amount of followers. Who the fuck are these followers? Like?

0:17:21.840 --> 0:17:25.360
<v Speaker 1>Are these older men? Are these predators? Who's following these accounts.

0:17:25.400 --> 0:17:28.040
<v Speaker 2>We spoke about this the other week when France is

0:17:28.119 --> 0:17:31.480
<v Speaker 2>changing the laws around social media and having children, I

0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:34.119
<v Speaker 2>guess like making an income from social media. And it

0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:36.000
<v Speaker 2>kind of was a real penny drop moment watching this

0:17:36.040 --> 0:17:38.600
<v Speaker 2>documentary because I was like, this is the stuff we're

0:17:38.600 --> 0:17:40.359
<v Speaker 2>going to be talking about in ten years, but about

0:17:40.400 --> 0:17:45.240
<v Speaker 2>social media young children who have YouTube channels and tiktoks

0:17:45.280 --> 0:17:47.840
<v Speaker 2>and they're making a huge amount of money, but there

0:17:47.880 --> 0:17:51.119
<v Speaker 2>isn't a lot of safety and I guess legislation around

0:17:51.119 --> 0:17:53.520
<v Speaker 2>it yet. And at the time I kind of thought,

0:17:54.119 --> 0:17:56.359
<v Speaker 2>maybe what France is doing is going a bit hard.

0:17:56.680 --> 0:18:00.320
<v Speaker 2>But I guess after watching Brookshields doco and having a

0:18:00.359 --> 0:18:04.880
<v Speaker 2>better understanding about not only how children are being sexualized

0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:09.280
<v Speaker 2>throughout popular culture, but also how some parents aren't doing

0:18:09.359 --> 0:18:12.080
<v Speaker 2>their job in protecting children. Like the big part of

0:18:12.080 --> 0:18:15.159
<v Speaker 2>this doco was that her mum was her manager, and

0:18:15.200 --> 0:18:18.280
<v Speaker 2>her mom thought that it was a good idea and

0:18:18.800 --> 0:18:20.800
<v Speaker 2>you know, was using her as a way of making

0:18:20.840 --> 0:18:23.200
<v Speaker 2>an income and was pushing her into these sexualized roles

0:18:23.240 --> 0:18:25.119
<v Speaker 2>because they were making a hell of a lot of

0:18:25.119 --> 0:18:28.240
<v Speaker 2>money when she was fifteen. Made me think that it's

0:18:28.320 --> 0:18:32.360
<v Speaker 2>absolutely still happening in certain ways across social media, across TikTok,

0:18:32.400 --> 0:18:37.280
<v Speaker 2>across Instagram, and without it being as heavily regulated, people

0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:39.920
<v Speaker 2>can get away with it. And I feel like in ten, fifteen,

0:18:40.200 --> 0:18:43.399
<v Speaker 2>twenty years time, when this generation of children who have

0:18:43.400 --> 0:18:45.680
<v Speaker 2>grown up on social media are older and are able

0:18:45.720 --> 0:18:47.920
<v Speaker 2>to tell their stories, that's when we're going to fully

0:18:48.040 --> 0:18:51.960
<v Speaker 2>understand the total impact of what that is having on

0:18:52.000 --> 0:18:52.560
<v Speaker 2>young kids.

0:18:52.960 --> 0:18:55.680
<v Speaker 1>We both can't recommend it enough. If you've got any time,

0:18:55.800 --> 0:18:59.320
<v Speaker 1>obviously watch it two parts, two and bid hours, and

0:18:59.359 --> 0:19:03.160
<v Speaker 1>I think you from the moment it starts, all right, well,

0:19:03.240 --> 0:19:05.679
<v Speaker 1>let's move on to what we usually do. Was an

0:19:05.680 --> 0:19:10.560
<v Speaker 1>accidentally unfiltered but we had some absolutely cracker confessionals coming

0:19:10.680 --> 0:19:13.159
<v Speaker 1>this week. I was like wedding my pants laughing. So

0:19:13.200 --> 0:19:15.440
<v Speaker 1>we're going to We're gonna rattle off some confessions.

0:19:15.520 --> 0:19:18.639
<v Speaker 2>Can I just say that these are wildly inappropriate, and like,

0:19:18.920 --> 0:19:21.080
<v Speaker 2>I love that you feel that this is a safe

0:19:21.080 --> 0:19:23.919
<v Speaker 2>space and you can share the most inappropriate things that

0:19:23.920 --> 0:19:26.000
<v Speaker 2>you've done. This does not absolve you of your sins,

0:19:26.000 --> 0:19:28.080
<v Speaker 2>though you guys are all cooked and we're here for it.

0:19:28.160 --> 0:19:28.920
<v Speaker 2>Oh no, but.

0:19:28.960 --> 0:19:31.040
<v Speaker 1>Keep them coming in and we don't condone these. I'm

0:19:31.040 --> 0:19:33.920
<v Speaker 1>going to start this from the start. We don't condone these,

0:19:34.000 --> 0:19:35.960
<v Speaker 1>but it's also some of them are cooked, but some

0:19:36.040 --> 0:19:38.240
<v Speaker 1>of them are innocent and funny too. I'll start you

0:19:38.320 --> 0:19:40.639
<v Speaker 1>off with an innocent one. I made a coffee for

0:19:40.720 --> 0:19:43.560
<v Speaker 1>my friend at work, but I accidentally used the off

0:19:43.640 --> 0:19:46.159
<v Speaker 1>milk when I got to making my own coffee, so

0:19:46.200 --> 0:19:48.520
<v Speaker 1>I switched the coffees and gave her the off one.

0:19:48.600 --> 0:19:52.080
<v Speaker 2>Wouldn't you just throw it out? Start again? Coffees don't

0:19:52.080 --> 0:19:52.760
<v Speaker 2>take that long.

0:19:52.920 --> 0:19:55.920
<v Speaker 1>Just order one for four dollars. Don't give someone food poisoning.

0:19:56.080 --> 0:19:57.800
<v Speaker 2>Well, this just makes me think you should never ever

0:19:57.880 --> 0:20:00.919
<v Speaker 2>leave anything around a coworker. I spat to a coworker's

0:20:00.920 --> 0:20:02.760
<v Speaker 2>water bottle because she pissed me off.

0:20:03.000 --> 0:20:06.000
<v Speaker 1>That is fucking rank. You cannot do that. Also Covid

0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:09.680
<v Speaker 1>Ha Shay Covid. My boyfriend has never made me orgasm

0:20:09.680 --> 0:20:12.560
<v Speaker 1>four years in and I don't know how to tell him.

0:20:12.600 --> 0:20:13.760
<v Speaker 1>You can't tell him now you don't.

0:20:14.600 --> 0:20:16.199
<v Speaker 2>I mean, if that was an ask on cart, what

0:20:16.240 --> 0:20:18.240
<v Speaker 2>would we say, You can't tell him that you can't

0:20:18.320 --> 0:20:21.280
<v Speaker 2>orgasm after four years of faking it? You're fuck no

0:20:21.440 --> 0:20:22.800
<v Speaker 2>if we would say you have to.

0:20:22.920 --> 0:20:25.359
<v Speaker 1>But also fuck you shot yourself in the foot.

0:20:25.200 --> 0:20:28.159
<v Speaker 2>Four year years. That's a really long lie. That's the

0:20:28.200 --> 0:20:28.720
<v Speaker 2>long game.

0:20:28.880 --> 0:20:31.880
<v Speaker 1>Okay, one Dame big w I put a five dollar

0:20:31.920 --> 0:20:34.320
<v Speaker 1>sticker on a fifty dollar dress, so I bought it.

0:20:34.280 --> 0:20:37.600
<v Speaker 2>For five dollars. That's stealing, that's theft. I don't know

0:20:37.640 --> 0:20:40.560
<v Speaker 2>the difference between skirting or just plain wing during sex.

0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:41.879
<v Speaker 2>I think I just WII.

0:20:43.000 --> 0:20:46.000
<v Speaker 1>Squirting is a bit of whe and a bit of squirt,

0:20:46.240 --> 0:20:48.760
<v Speaker 1>So like, maybe you're just doing both, or maybe you're not,

0:20:48.800 --> 0:20:50.640
<v Speaker 1>maybe just pissy and you're not actually squirted at all.

0:20:50.640 --> 0:20:53.280
<v Speaker 2>I've got the worst one. I've been with my husband

0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:58.919
<v Speaker 2>for nineteen years, but I still love my ex. Oh,

0:20:59.000 --> 0:21:01.760
<v Speaker 2>you don't really love your X. You don't. I'm gonna

0:21:01.760 --> 0:21:04.560
<v Speaker 2>tell you this. I hope you're listening to this. You

0:21:05.000 --> 0:21:08.320
<v Speaker 2>do not love your ex. You have created a fantasy

0:21:08.440 --> 0:21:11.960
<v Speaker 2>obsession about your ex that's not real because he is

0:21:12.119 --> 0:21:15.840
<v Speaker 2>not that person nineteen years later, and you have built

0:21:15.840 --> 0:21:17.520
<v Speaker 2>it up in your mind to be something that it's

0:21:17.560 --> 0:21:19.960
<v Speaker 2>absolutely not. You do not love your ex.

0:21:20.040 --> 0:21:22.639
<v Speaker 1>Also, you're bored, Like, yes, you're bored. You've been with

0:21:22.640 --> 0:21:25.400
<v Speaker 1>yourusband for nineteen years. He's probably amazing, but you're bored.

0:21:25.440 --> 0:21:27.840
<v Speaker 1>You've had the same thing, day in and day out

0:21:27.880 --> 0:21:28.760
<v Speaker 1>for nineteen years.

0:21:28.880 --> 0:21:30.639
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, and your ex is probably toxic.

0:21:30.680 --> 0:21:33.280
<v Speaker 1>As far to stay away, all right, I'm attracted to

0:21:33.320 --> 0:21:34.480
<v Speaker 1>a priest at my Catholic church.

0:21:34.600 --> 0:21:34.840
<v Speaker 2>Lol.

0:21:35.000 --> 0:21:39.800
<v Speaker 1>Can't do that. Do not follow through on that.

0:21:40.160 --> 0:21:42.560
<v Speaker 2>I've been using my mother in law's credit card or

0:21:42.640 --> 0:21:46.439
<v Speaker 2>my Uber accounts for the past year. She will know.

0:21:47.119 --> 0:21:49.480
<v Speaker 2>She knows, she just hasn't told you.

0:21:49.560 --> 0:21:54.040
<v Speaker 1>Of course she will know. Oh my god. Okay, this

0:21:54.080 --> 0:21:56.159
<v Speaker 1>one is the worst one. I've been having an affair

0:21:56.200 --> 0:21:59.320
<v Speaker 1>with my good friend's husband for one point five years.

0:22:00.280 --> 0:22:00.720
<v Speaker 2>Is wild.

0:22:00.840 --> 0:22:01.959
<v Speaker 1>I just can't stop.

0:22:02.359 --> 0:22:04.399
<v Speaker 2>You go on to hell this one. I don't know

0:22:04.400 --> 0:22:07.880
<v Speaker 2>who's in wrong here. A one night stand once made

0:22:07.920 --> 0:22:10.600
<v Speaker 2>me squat in his backyard like a dog to we

0:22:11.320 --> 0:22:13.480
<v Speaker 2>because he didn't want his parents to know that I

0:22:13.680 --> 0:22:16.720
<v Speaker 2>was there, and their bedroom was next to the toilet. Oh,

0:22:16.800 --> 0:22:19.480
<v Speaker 2>let the girl take a piss. I can't believe I

0:22:19.640 --> 0:22:20.720
<v Speaker 2>actually did it.

0:22:20.920 --> 0:22:23.840
<v Speaker 3>I could she let Oh my god, the things you

0:22:24.000 --> 0:22:26.880
<v Speaker 3>did back then because you didn't want to pipe up, like, yes,

0:22:26.920 --> 0:22:28.800
<v Speaker 3>You've got to go take a dump outside after I've

0:22:28.800 --> 0:22:31.639
<v Speaker 3>had sex with you because I don't want my parents

0:22:31.640 --> 0:22:32.960
<v Speaker 3>to know I just had sex with you.

0:22:33.040 --> 0:22:34.760
<v Speaker 1>And you're like, yes, okay, I'll just go dump behind

0:22:34.800 --> 0:22:35.840
<v Speaker 1>the tree in your backyard.

0:22:35.920 --> 0:22:38.960
<v Speaker 2>Sometimes in life we're so worried about offending or doing

0:22:39.040 --> 0:22:41.320
<v Speaker 2>something wrong by the other person, and this is one

0:22:41.359 --> 0:22:43.680
<v Speaker 2>of those moments where you say, do you know what,

0:22:43.840 --> 0:22:45.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm just gonna go and piss in the toilet and

0:22:45.640 --> 0:22:48.000
<v Speaker 2>you can deal with your parents. That's what this is.

0:22:48.160 --> 0:22:49.359
<v Speaker 2>Don't be so nice everyone.

0:22:49.600 --> 0:22:53.160
<v Speaker 1>When I grocery shop from companies that are big, like Coals,

0:22:53.400 --> 0:22:58.840
<v Speaker 1>I steal one item to counteract inflation. I love what

0:22:58.960 --> 0:23:01.320
<v Speaker 1>she takes, that's all left. But I love that she

0:23:01.320 --> 0:23:02.920
<v Speaker 1>takes out her own hands and she's like, well, we're

0:23:02.960 --> 0:23:04.560
<v Speaker 1>not being paid more and inflation's going up, so I'm

0:23:04.560 --> 0:23:05.520
<v Speaker 1>gonna steal from Coles.

0:23:05.800 --> 0:23:08.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, maybe Coles is the enemy. Do you always gonna say,

0:23:08.520 --> 0:23:10.639
<v Speaker 2>is Cole's the enemy or wool Worst. I don't know.

0:23:10.880 --> 0:23:12.960
<v Speaker 2>But now that they've got the self serve checkout thing

0:23:13.119 --> 0:23:16.320
<v Speaker 2>and they've got less employees, I feel like they're part

0:23:16.320 --> 0:23:16.800
<v Speaker 2>of the problem.

0:23:16.880 --> 0:23:20.240
<v Speaker 1>Don't steal, guys, don't Yeah, don't steal.

0:23:20.560 --> 0:23:22.840
<v Speaker 2>All right, let's get into the chat with doctor Ali Walker.

0:23:22.840 --> 0:23:26.120
<v Speaker 2>But if you guys have any more accidentally unfiltereds confessionals

0:23:26.880 --> 0:23:30.680
<v Speaker 2>just random stories, maybe it's an act of kindness. Whatever

0:23:30.720 --> 0:23:32.560
<v Speaker 2>you've got that you want to share with us, slide

0:23:32.600 --> 0:23:36.000
<v Speaker 2>on into the DMS because we absolutely love hearing it.

0:23:36.040 --> 0:23:38.960
<v Speaker 2>And these confessionals were very messed up this week, so enjoy.

0:23:39.600 --> 0:23:42.359
<v Speaker 2>Today we are speaking with doctor Ali Walker, who is

0:23:42.400 --> 0:23:45.920
<v Speaker 2>a human connection scientist and mediator with a PhD in

0:23:45.960 --> 0:23:48.720
<v Speaker 2>group dynamics. She's also the author of the brand new

0:23:48.720 --> 0:23:51.679
<v Speaker 2>book Click and Clash. Why do we naturally click with

0:23:51.720 --> 0:23:54.240
<v Speaker 2>some people and feel as though we clash with others?

0:23:54.480 --> 0:23:56.480
<v Speaker 2>Why do we feel like we radiate on the same

0:23:56.520 --> 0:23:59.919
<v Speaker 2>frequency as some and then can feel completely alien to others?

0:24:00.520 --> 0:24:02.040
<v Speaker 2>And what is it that we can do to bridge

0:24:02.119 --> 0:24:04.520
<v Speaker 2>that gap when we feel world's apart. We've all asked

0:24:04.560 --> 0:24:07.800
<v Speaker 2>the question before in our romantic relationships whether we are

0:24:07.880 --> 0:24:10.640
<v Speaker 2>compatible with someone, but we haven't really unpacked the ins

0:24:10.640 --> 0:24:13.439
<v Speaker 2>and outs of compatibility before on the podcast and what

0:24:13.480 --> 0:24:16.680
<v Speaker 2>it really means to be compatible with someone. Today, Dr

0:24:16.680 --> 0:24:18.359
<v Speaker 2>Ali Walker is here to talk us through while we

0:24:18.440 --> 0:24:20.840
<v Speaker 2>click or clash with different people, and it's not just

0:24:20.880 --> 0:24:24.520
<v Speaker 2>our romantic relationships. This is applicable to every relationship in

0:24:24.560 --> 0:24:27.600
<v Speaker 2>your life, to your friendships, to your workplace, relationships with

0:24:27.640 --> 0:24:31.680
<v Speaker 2>your colleagues, every single one. Dotor Ali, welcome to life

0:24:31.720 --> 0:24:32.160
<v Speaker 2>on card.

0:24:32.400 --> 0:24:34.560
<v Speaker 4>Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited.

0:24:34.720 --> 0:24:36.639
<v Speaker 1>Thank you so much for coming in today. And you

0:24:36.680 --> 0:24:39.879
<v Speaker 1>came in physically into the chaos. You have entered the

0:24:39.920 --> 0:24:41.280
<v Speaker 1>lines den, so thank you.

0:24:41.560 --> 0:24:42.040
<v Speaker 4>Exciting.

0:24:42.119 --> 0:24:43.879
<v Speaker 2>Oh Ali, you've literally seen the chaos.

0:24:43.920 --> 0:24:47.320
<v Speaker 1>First, we have a bit of a chaotic morning, Paul.

0:24:47.320 --> 0:24:49.159
<v Speaker 2>Allie's been here for twenty five minutes whilst we've been

0:24:49.200 --> 0:24:50.360
<v Speaker 2>trying to set the studio up.

0:24:50.520 --> 0:24:51.879
<v Speaker 1>I know, and we haven't even got the poor thing

0:24:51.920 --> 0:24:54.240
<v Speaker 1>of coffee yet, but it's on the way. We kick

0:24:54.280 --> 0:24:57.560
<v Speaker 1>start every episode with accidently unfiltered You're almost embarrassing story,

0:24:57.600 --> 0:25:00.879
<v Speaker 1>and I can see you're a little bit petrified. Do

0:25:01.000 --> 0:25:01.680
<v Speaker 1>you have one?

0:25:01.880 --> 0:25:03.160
<v Speaker 4>So I do?

0:25:03.359 --> 0:25:06.000
<v Speaker 5>I think everyone has one anyway, So I'll get right

0:25:06.040 --> 0:25:09.080
<v Speaker 5>into it. It was back in high school. I was a

0:25:09.119 --> 0:25:11.520
<v Speaker 5>singer at high school. I love singing, and at my

0:25:11.680 --> 0:25:14.960
<v Speaker 5>school we did a music festival and it's almost like

0:25:15.040 --> 0:25:16.679
<v Speaker 5>an athletics carnival for music.

0:25:16.920 --> 0:25:18.359
<v Speaker 1>Are we in primary school or high school?

0:25:18.440 --> 0:25:18.600
<v Speaker 4>High?

0:25:18.680 --> 0:25:19.080
<v Speaker 1>High school?

0:25:19.119 --> 0:25:22.399
<v Speaker 5>Okay, except it's drawn out over a term or a

0:25:22.520 --> 0:25:23.080
<v Speaker 5>term in a bit.

0:25:23.480 --> 0:25:25.880
<v Speaker 4>So I was in the final year of school and.

0:25:25.800 --> 0:25:28.560
<v Speaker 5>You have all these tryouts and heats, and the people

0:25:28.680 --> 0:25:32.760
<v Speaker 5>who get to the final and win that final go

0:25:32.800 --> 0:25:35.000
<v Speaker 5>to the town hall Sydney and perform.

0:25:35.280 --> 0:25:37.600
<v Speaker 1>I shouldn't laughed, but it's so far I'm getting real

0:25:37.680 --> 0:25:38.680
<v Speaker 1>and bringing on vine.

0:25:39.720 --> 0:25:41.000
<v Speaker 4>And thank goodness.

0:25:41.040 --> 0:25:42.760
<v Speaker 5>It wasn't at the town hall, but it was in

0:25:42.800 --> 0:25:45.919
<v Speaker 5>the final of the senior vocals and it was my

0:25:46.080 --> 0:25:49.280
<v Speaker 5>final chants to sing and maybe make it to the

0:25:49.440 --> 0:25:50.200
<v Speaker 5>town hall.

0:25:50.720 --> 0:25:51.120
<v Speaker 4>All right.

0:25:51.200 --> 0:25:54.080
<v Speaker 5>So I performed singing a lot of times before, and

0:25:54.119 --> 0:25:56.800
<v Speaker 5>I'd had singing lessons and this was my time, and

0:25:57.200 --> 0:25:59.640
<v Speaker 5>I was singing. I think it was dream, a little

0:25:59.720 --> 0:26:00.280
<v Speaker 5>dream of me.

0:26:00.920 --> 0:26:03.000
<v Speaker 1>Oh big, that's a big one to take on.

0:26:03.359 --> 0:26:07.720
<v Speaker 5>There's a moment where it goes stars mating, but I

0:26:07.880 --> 0:26:09.679
<v Speaker 5>linger on, okay, so you can tell it.

0:26:09.680 --> 0:26:11.280
<v Speaker 4>I Oh god, I'd hover anyway.

0:26:11.320 --> 0:26:14.879
<v Speaker 5>So at the first high bit, I had what I

0:26:14.920 --> 0:26:16.600
<v Speaker 5>can only describe as a testing pot.

0:26:17.160 --> 0:26:17.720
<v Speaker 1>I knew.

0:26:19.800 --> 0:26:21.760
<v Speaker 4>It did never happen to me before, It has never

0:26:21.800 --> 0:26:24.720
<v Speaker 4>happened to me. Sin. It just cracked. And there was

0:26:25.359 --> 0:26:25.639
<v Speaker 4>there was.

0:26:25.640 --> 0:26:28.240
<v Speaker 5>A girl, a friend of mine, in the audience, and

0:26:28.760 --> 0:26:30.879
<v Speaker 5>she was sitting there and she's smiling along and she

0:26:30.960 --> 0:26:33.919
<v Speaker 5>went like that when she she actually startled when I

0:26:33.960 --> 0:26:34.320
<v Speaker 5>did that.

0:26:34.359 --> 0:26:35.159
<v Speaker 4>When I made you.

0:26:35.240 --> 0:26:38.400
<v Speaker 1>Never made it to town hall, did your she would

0:26:38.440 --> 0:26:39.080
<v Speaker 1>be shocked.

0:26:40.320 --> 0:26:43.840
<v Speaker 4>I did not win seeing your vocal. I was mortified

0:26:43.920 --> 0:26:46.760
<v Speaker 4>because I'd practiced so much, and honestly it was just

0:26:46.840 --> 0:26:48.120
<v Speaker 4>a freak moment and.

0:26:48.080 --> 0:26:50.600
<v Speaker 1>Did everyone laugh. But also you've got to remember that

0:26:50.640 --> 0:26:54.520
<v Speaker 1>when you're a teenager or a kid, everything is intensified,

0:26:54.600 --> 0:26:56.960
<v Speaker 1>like everything is ten times. If you went into a

0:26:56.960 --> 0:26:59.680
<v Speaker 1>public speaking event now and you stumbled a word or

0:26:59.720 --> 0:27:02.640
<v Speaker 1>you've always cracked, you wouldn't be putting in the trauma

0:27:02.680 --> 0:27:03.920
<v Speaker 1>box under the bed for the rest of your life.

0:27:03.920 --> 0:27:05.879
<v Speaker 5>You'd be like, I'm all right, I can deal with it.

0:27:06.280 --> 0:27:08.960
<v Speaker 5>You'd probably laugh at the time and get everybody else

0:27:09.000 --> 0:27:11.159
<v Speaker 5>to laugh with me. I'd probably say how weird was

0:27:11.160 --> 0:27:12.840
<v Speaker 5>that that I just did that? And I would then

0:27:13.000 --> 0:27:14.080
<v Speaker 5>move on with my life.

0:27:14.400 --> 0:27:15.119
<v Speaker 2>Let's get into it.

0:27:15.760 --> 0:27:19.199
<v Speaker 5>Came here for shift archetypes out of the teenager to

0:27:19.240 --> 0:27:20.080
<v Speaker 5>the adult.

0:27:19.760 --> 0:27:22.600
<v Speaker 2>Not only into the adult into being a criminal lawyer

0:27:22.600 --> 0:27:25.080
<v Speaker 2>for the DPP Like that rule took a turn, didn't it.

0:27:25.720 --> 0:27:27.320
<v Speaker 1>The testing pot really did one on.

0:27:27.320 --> 0:27:30.879
<v Speaker 2>It before and then were going back to your career

0:27:30.880 --> 0:27:33.640
<v Speaker 2>outside of university. What was it that made you want

0:27:33.680 --> 0:27:36.000
<v Speaker 2>to get into criminal defense law, and I guess what

0:27:36.200 --> 0:27:38.679
<v Speaker 2>was then the pivot from that into wanting to do

0:27:38.680 --> 0:27:40.159
<v Speaker 2>a PhD in human connection.

0:27:40.840 --> 0:27:42.200
<v Speaker 4>That was a real plot twist.

0:27:42.800 --> 0:27:46.320
<v Speaker 5>So I when I finished high school, I was never

0:27:46.320 --> 0:27:48.359
<v Speaker 5>interested in science or maths or anything like that. I

0:27:48.400 --> 0:27:52.760
<v Speaker 5>was always humanities and English and history and legal studies,

0:27:52.800 --> 0:27:55.200
<v Speaker 5>and so it was just almost a natural next step.

0:27:55.240 --> 0:27:57.200
<v Speaker 5>I always thought I wanted to be a lawyer, without

0:27:57.240 --> 0:27:59.440
<v Speaker 5>knowing much about the day to day practice of it.

0:27:59.840 --> 0:28:02.280
<v Speaker 5>And as I got through the law degree, I did

0:28:02.280 --> 0:28:04.920
<v Speaker 5>a bit of corporate and I didn't want to do property.

0:28:04.960 --> 0:28:07.719
<v Speaker 5>And I loved people. I love the emotion I love.

0:28:07.920 --> 0:28:09.159
<v Speaker 5>And then I got to the end and I thought, well,

0:28:09.200 --> 0:28:10.120
<v Speaker 5>I realized there's.

0:28:09.960 --> 0:28:13.400
<v Speaker 4>Only people law for me. It's criminal or family.

0:28:13.840 --> 0:28:16.040
<v Speaker 5>And so I applied for this job at the Director

0:28:16.080 --> 0:28:18.600
<v Speaker 5>of Public Prosecution. So it was actually a prosecutor, not

0:28:18.640 --> 0:28:20.480
<v Speaker 5>a defense law which may have changed things if I

0:28:20.520 --> 0:28:21.120
<v Speaker 5>was defense level.

0:28:21.560 --> 0:28:23.960
<v Speaker 4>So I started off. And so two.

0:28:23.840 --> 0:28:25.880
<v Speaker 5>Thousand and seven, two thousand and six, two thousand and seven,

0:28:26.000 --> 0:28:29.720
<v Speaker 5>culture and leadership weren't really cared about or thought about them.

0:28:30.119 --> 0:28:33.600
<v Speaker 5>No one thought about well being at work or psychosocial

0:28:33.640 --> 0:28:36.080
<v Speaker 5>hazards at work. It was just you turn up for

0:28:36.119 --> 0:28:37.960
<v Speaker 5>a job, you got the job, and here you go.

0:28:38.280 --> 0:28:41.600
<v Speaker 5>And so I ended up having some I guess, intense

0:28:41.640 --> 0:28:43.520
<v Speaker 5>reactions to the work I was doing.

0:28:43.720 --> 0:28:46.880
<v Speaker 4>Being young and female. This is relevant. Being young and female.

0:28:46.920 --> 0:28:48.760
<v Speaker 5>Was put on all the sexual assault and child sexual

0:28:48.760 --> 0:28:51.800
<v Speaker 5>assault cases, and it was relevant because all of the

0:28:51.880 --> 0:28:55.040
<v Speaker 5>victims were young and female. They didn't want to retraumatize anyone.

0:28:55.320 --> 0:28:57.880
<v Speaker 5>And it was so interesting because no one thought about

0:28:57.880 --> 0:29:02.000
<v Speaker 5>traumatizing anyone in the work space, of course, because the

0:29:02.040 --> 0:29:06.000
<v Speaker 5>more important person in that scenario is the victim. And

0:29:06.080 --> 0:29:08.200
<v Speaker 5>so they just said, oh, she's young, and FEMA will

0:29:08.200 --> 0:29:08.680
<v Speaker 5>put you on it.

0:29:08.680 --> 0:29:09.479
<v Speaker 4>We'll put you on it.

0:29:09.800 --> 0:29:12.840
<v Speaker 5>And I remember one day going into the office manager's

0:29:13.160 --> 0:29:15.600
<v Speaker 5>office and she was the one who allocated she did

0:29:15.640 --> 0:29:17.320
<v Speaker 5>I don't know if she did it, but she had

0:29:17.360 --> 0:29:20.400
<v Speaker 5>something to do with allocating the cases. And I remember

0:29:20.400 --> 0:29:22.959
<v Speaker 5>on a Monday morning, much like this morning, going in

0:29:23.000 --> 0:29:25.880
<v Speaker 5>and saying, can you please put me on an aggravated

0:29:25.960 --> 0:29:30.400
<v Speaker 5>robbery or a drugs case, any assault, anything, And I thought,

0:29:30.400 --> 0:29:33.480
<v Speaker 5>that's a strange Monday morning at work when you're pleading

0:29:33.480 --> 0:29:35.080
<v Speaker 5>for different sorts of cases. So I guess that was

0:29:35.120 --> 0:29:38.120
<v Speaker 5>the first indication that there was something happening in me,

0:29:38.200 --> 0:29:41.880
<v Speaker 5>and I started having symptoms in my body, not anything extreme,

0:29:41.920 --> 0:29:43.880
<v Speaker 5>but just that i'd never had before that I couldn't explain.

0:29:43.920 --> 0:29:45.880
<v Speaker 4>I'd go to the doctor and have all my blood

0:29:45.880 --> 0:29:47.840
<v Speaker 4>test take No, nothing's wrong with you.

0:29:47.920 --> 0:29:50.680
<v Speaker 5>But I was just responding to this work in a

0:29:50.680 --> 0:29:54.280
<v Speaker 5>way that wasn't great. And I also looked at the

0:29:54.320 --> 0:29:56.840
<v Speaker 5>people who were more experienced, the crown prosecutors, the people

0:29:56.880 --> 0:29:58.960
<v Speaker 5>who if I stayed in that role and I went well,

0:29:59.000 --> 0:30:01.320
<v Speaker 5>I would become and I thought, I don't know if

0:30:01.360 --> 0:30:05.720
<v Speaker 5>I want to do that. It's a very harrowing workplace

0:30:05.760 --> 0:30:08.880
<v Speaker 5>to be in the process. The criminal process is quite,

0:30:09.640 --> 0:30:12.840
<v Speaker 5>as you can imagine, quite intense. So I was absorbing

0:30:12.880 --> 0:30:14.720
<v Speaker 5>all the emotions of everyone around me. I didn't have

0:30:14.760 --> 0:30:18.160
<v Speaker 5>any training or supervision. Clinical supervision we know with psychologists

0:30:18.200 --> 0:30:21.640
<v Speaker 5>and doctors they are trained to deal with complex trauma.

0:30:21.680 --> 0:30:23.840
<v Speaker 5>In criminal law, you're dealing with complex trauma and no,

0:30:24.120 --> 0:30:27.360
<v Speaker 5>there is no training none. It's actually quite amazing.

0:30:27.520 --> 0:30:30.440
<v Speaker 2>Do you think it's something that people intuitively then lean

0:30:30.520 --> 0:30:33.080
<v Speaker 2>into or it's like you learn to cope with it,

0:30:33.160 --> 0:30:35.280
<v Speaker 2>or do you think it's a certain type of personality

0:30:35.280 --> 0:30:37.280
<v Speaker 2>that is better suited to that job, and you look

0:30:37.320 --> 0:30:39.200
<v Speaker 2>at it now and go, that was not my personality

0:30:39.200 --> 0:30:41.640
<v Speaker 2>type that could function in that workplace.

0:30:41.840 --> 0:30:43.880
<v Speaker 5>It's so interesting you asked that, because this is a

0:30:43.880 --> 0:30:45.080
<v Speaker 5>really live question for me.

0:30:45.120 --> 0:30:46.800
<v Speaker 4>I think it's a bit of all of what you said.

0:30:46.840 --> 0:30:49.080
<v Speaker 5>I think some people who go into that role have

0:30:49.160 --> 0:30:51.960
<v Speaker 5>a particular type of personality which ended up and I'm

0:30:52.000 --> 0:30:53.840
<v Speaker 5>not trying to segue here, but that ended up being

0:30:53.880 --> 0:30:56.960
<v Speaker 5>the basis for this book, click or Clash. My reaction

0:30:57.400 --> 0:31:00.880
<v Speaker 5>was overly intense, because I've worked out I am intense connector.

0:31:01.320 --> 0:31:02.520
<v Speaker 4>Some people aren't as intense.

0:31:02.520 --> 0:31:05.040
<v Speaker 5>They're mid intensity or low intensity, so their reaction to

0:31:05.200 --> 0:31:07.760
<v Speaker 5>the court room is very, very different. I'd have people

0:31:07.840 --> 0:31:10.200
<v Speaker 5>in the courtroom next to me, a police officer and

0:31:10.240 --> 0:31:13.840
<v Speaker 5>someone I remember there was an offender screaming, screaming at everyone,

0:31:14.040 --> 0:31:15.600
<v Speaker 5>I'm going to do this to you and I'm going

0:31:15.680 --> 0:31:19.600
<v Speaker 5>to get you, and I'm stiff and petrified, and this

0:31:19.680 --> 0:31:21.720
<v Speaker 5>police officer leans into me, sitting next to me, and

0:31:21.800 --> 0:31:25.040
<v Speaker 5>he says, I think he's talking to you and starts laughing.

0:31:25.160 --> 0:31:27.240
<v Speaker 4>Just because he was able to just sort of laugh

0:31:27.280 --> 0:31:27.600
<v Speaker 4>it off.

0:31:27.640 --> 0:31:30.360
<v Speaker 5>And that was his low intensity reaction to a high

0:31:30.400 --> 0:31:33.560
<v Speaker 5>intensity situation. So I remember one day calling my then

0:31:33.640 --> 0:31:36.600
<v Speaker 5>boyfriend now husband, and he's a chef, and I said

0:31:36.600 --> 0:31:38.400
<v Speaker 5>to him, I was almost in tears because I'd just

0:31:38.400 --> 0:31:40.680
<v Speaker 5>come out of this victim meeting and we'd been hearing

0:31:40.680 --> 0:31:43.600
<v Speaker 5>her story, and I said, I'm just I don't know

0:31:43.600 --> 0:31:45.280
<v Speaker 5>if this is I'm okay in this job and if

0:31:45.280 --> 0:31:46.840
<v Speaker 5>this is right for me, and I'm really upset and

0:31:46.920 --> 0:31:49.240
<v Speaker 5>I just heard this horrible story and this is all

0:31:49.280 --> 0:31:51.880
<v Speaker 5>this job is this horrible story. And I remember saying

0:31:51.880 --> 0:31:53.920
<v Speaker 5>at the end, what are you doing? And he said,

0:31:54.440 --> 0:31:58.000
<v Speaker 5>peeling potatoes? And I didn't want to peel potatoes, but

0:31:58.040 --> 0:31:59.760
<v Speaker 5>I wanted to feel like that about my job. I

0:31:59.800 --> 0:32:02.720
<v Speaker 5>want to just feel really arm's length, you know. I

0:32:02.840 --> 0:32:05.920
<v Speaker 5>like what I do. But I'm not crying every day totally.

0:32:06.000 --> 0:32:08.880
<v Speaker 5>I'd be sitting in meetings and passing tissues to the

0:32:09.080 --> 0:32:13.120
<v Speaker 5>person telling their story and saying to my willing myself

0:32:13.160 --> 0:32:14.200
<v Speaker 5>not to cry, not to cry.

0:32:14.320 --> 0:32:14.960
<v Speaker 1>So I don't know.

0:32:14.960 --> 0:32:15.680
<v Speaker 4>It's huge question.

0:32:15.880 --> 0:32:18.360
<v Speaker 5>I don't know if it's a personality type, if someone

0:32:18.480 --> 0:32:20.840
<v Speaker 5>is more resilient because they may have been exposed to

0:32:20.880 --> 0:32:23.200
<v Speaker 5>that sort of trauma in the past, they may have

0:32:23.240 --> 0:32:25.560
<v Speaker 5>had a family member who worked in that setting. They

0:32:25.560 --> 0:32:27.360
<v Speaker 5>may have had a family member whose police officer. They

0:32:27.360 --> 0:32:29.640
<v Speaker 5>may have grown up just hearing about those stories and

0:32:29.680 --> 0:32:32.280
<v Speaker 5>being conditioned to that. It's I think there's a lot

0:32:32.360 --> 0:32:35.080
<v Speaker 5>of complex factors anyway. So your original question was how

0:32:35.080 --> 0:32:37.080
<v Speaker 5>did you end up going from that to PhD? So

0:32:37.160 --> 0:32:39.160
<v Speaker 5>I ended up talking to my mum about it. It

0:32:39.200 --> 0:32:41.480
<v Speaker 5>was a gradual process of thinking. It was almost like

0:32:41.560 --> 0:32:44.320
<v Speaker 5>putting your hand in the fire in slow motion. That's

0:32:44.360 --> 0:32:48.560
<v Speaker 5>how that job felt, and then going as your hand

0:32:48.640 --> 0:32:51.560
<v Speaker 5>is in the fire and feeling the burn. And I

0:32:51.560 --> 0:32:53.920
<v Speaker 5>remember saying to my mum, I don't know what to do.

0:32:53.960 --> 0:32:55.600
<v Speaker 5>I've studied for so long.

0:32:55.560 --> 0:32:58.360
<v Speaker 4>Years, six years, You're on the conveyor belt. How did

0:32:58.360 --> 0:32:58.880
<v Speaker 4>you get off?

0:32:58.920 --> 0:33:02.000
<v Speaker 5>And I felt shame because I almost felt like a failure.

0:33:02.040 --> 0:33:06.720
<v Speaker 5>You've studied for so long, you idiot, and now and

0:33:06.760 --> 0:33:09.160
<v Speaker 5>it almost felt like going off this well worn path,

0:33:09.240 --> 0:33:13.920
<v Speaker 5>this conveyor belt, through uncharted path with a machete. That's

0:33:13.960 --> 0:33:16.520
<v Speaker 5>how it felt to leave that job. And I had

0:33:16.640 --> 0:33:18.840
<v Speaker 5>no idea what I was doing, And all I knew

0:33:18.880 --> 0:33:21.480
<v Speaker 5>was that I was fascinated by human behavior. I wanted

0:33:21.480 --> 0:33:23.440
<v Speaker 5>to change the system because I looked at that system,

0:33:23.480 --> 0:33:26.560
<v Speaker 5>and I thought, this is just retraumatizing every single person

0:33:26.600 --> 0:33:28.440
<v Speaker 5>involved in this system, and this needs to change. It

0:33:28.440 --> 0:33:30.160
<v Speaker 5>can't be a punishment system. It needs to be a

0:33:30.160 --> 0:33:33.560
<v Speaker 5>therapeutic system. And people who commit crimes, they're not okay

0:33:33.600 --> 0:33:35.800
<v Speaker 5>in the beginning. So there was all of this I

0:33:35.880 --> 0:33:38.400
<v Speaker 5>knew I wanted to go back and understand more. So

0:33:38.440 --> 0:33:40.200
<v Speaker 5>I went back and I ended up doing a PhD

0:33:40.240 --> 0:33:44.040
<v Speaker 5>in group dynamics. So all of those experiences, the love

0:33:44.120 --> 0:33:47.760
<v Speaker 5>of human behavior, the fascination for complex emotion and trauma,

0:33:47.960 --> 0:33:50.640
<v Speaker 5>and the experience in the courtroom led me to then

0:33:50.720 --> 0:33:53.600
<v Speaker 5>go back and do that PhD. And I also studied

0:33:54.080 --> 0:33:57.240
<v Speaker 5>coaching and became a qualified coach at the time, Because

0:33:57.640 --> 0:33:59.720
<v Speaker 5>you know, do I go back and study psychology and

0:33:59.760 --> 0:34:02.720
<v Speaker 5>stuff all over again. That felt like an insurmountable task

0:34:02.800 --> 0:34:04.840
<v Speaker 5>to start back at the beginning, But I kind of

0:34:04.920 --> 0:34:07.760
<v Speaker 5>tried to gather all of these experiences into a bucket

0:34:07.800 --> 0:34:08.840
<v Speaker 5>and make sense.

0:34:08.640 --> 0:34:10.960
<v Speaker 2>Of them for someone who has studied and has spent

0:34:11.000 --> 0:34:13.840
<v Speaker 2>such a long time putting together not only stutting how

0:34:13.920 --> 0:34:16.440
<v Speaker 2>humans interact with each other, but also putting together a

0:34:16.520 --> 0:34:19.759
<v Speaker 2>kind of chart system for how we can categorize ourselves.

0:34:20.560 --> 0:34:24.560
<v Speaker 2>Do you think we in general as people are quite

0:34:24.600 --> 0:34:28.160
<v Speaker 2>bad at understanding how humans connect and understanding how other

0:34:28.200 --> 0:34:29.080
<v Speaker 2>people show up in the.

0:34:29.000 --> 0:34:33.759
<v Speaker 5>World, absolutely, myself included. And I think it's because we

0:34:33.800 --> 0:34:37.600
<v Speaker 5>are not formally taught to understand people. We're not given

0:34:37.640 --> 0:34:40.560
<v Speaker 5>any education in it. It's all supposedly intuitive.

0:34:40.640 --> 0:34:42.799
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's like you can learn maths and everyone gets

0:34:42.840 --> 0:34:45.520
<v Speaker 2>the same information there. But hey, even though you're going

0:34:45.560 --> 0:34:47.959
<v Speaker 2>to have to have multiple relationships with so many people,

0:34:48.040 --> 0:34:49.960
<v Speaker 2>go figure that shit out for yourself and suck it

0:34:50.040 --> 0:34:50.680
<v Speaker 2>up plenty of time.

0:34:50.840 --> 0:34:53.000
<v Speaker 1>I think, yeah, like trigonometry, who even needs to do that.

0:34:53.480 --> 0:34:55.759
<v Speaker 2>I do also think we're being taught a lot at

0:34:55.800 --> 0:34:57.640
<v Speaker 2>the moment, and this comes in the form of Instagram

0:34:57.680 --> 0:34:59.680
<v Speaker 2>own quotes. It comes in the form of the self

0:34:59.680 --> 0:35:05.640
<v Speaker 2>help of like you be unapologetically you, and sometimes being unapologetically.

0:35:04.800 --> 0:35:06.400
<v Speaker 4>You is rude.

0:35:08.560 --> 0:35:11.120
<v Speaker 2>Not that it's rude, but it doesn't open up to

0:35:11.280 --> 0:35:13.640
<v Speaker 2>understanding how other people show up in the world and

0:35:13.680 --> 0:35:16.280
<v Speaker 2>to maybe leaning into a way that makes them feel comfortable.

0:35:16.880 --> 0:35:18.960
<v Speaker 2>I'd love to understand from you a little bit in

0:35:19.040 --> 0:35:21.600
<v Speaker 2>terms of the research that you've done and the model

0:35:21.600 --> 0:35:23.960
<v Speaker 2>that you've put together. Can you speak us sort through

0:35:23.960 --> 0:35:25.920
<v Speaker 2>I know you have so many different types of how

0:35:25.960 --> 0:35:28.719
<v Speaker 2>people connect, but just a bit of an overview and

0:35:28.760 --> 0:35:32.920
<v Speaker 2>also what is high frequency low frequency? These terminology that

0:35:32.960 --> 0:35:33.960
<v Speaker 2>you use in your model.

0:35:34.080 --> 0:35:37.360
<v Speaker 5>So I ended up identifying two elements, two key elements

0:35:37.440 --> 0:35:40.200
<v Speaker 5>of our relationships and how we connect with other people.

0:35:40.480 --> 0:35:43.359
<v Speaker 5>And those two key elements are frequency or how much

0:35:43.640 --> 0:35:47.600
<v Speaker 5>is the first and intensity or what type, So they're

0:35:47.640 --> 0:35:48.960
<v Speaker 5>the two parts.

0:35:48.960 --> 0:35:51.880
<v Speaker 4>Frequency and intensity. Now, frequency is really easy.

0:35:52.440 --> 0:35:56.040
<v Speaker 5>People would be familiar with the ideas of introversion and extroversion.

0:35:56.280 --> 0:35:57.319
<v Speaker 4>It's correlated to that.

0:35:57.760 --> 0:36:00.880
<v Speaker 5>So if you're an extroverted person, you're going to be

0:36:00.920 --> 0:36:04.160
<v Speaker 5>a high frequency connector, if you're an introverted person, you're

0:36:04.160 --> 0:36:06.560
<v Speaker 5>going to be a low frequency connector. Now some people

0:36:06.680 --> 0:36:09.200
<v Speaker 5>are what I call mid frequency connectors are right in

0:36:09.239 --> 0:36:12.279
<v Speaker 5>the middle, and you are an ambivert, which means that

0:36:12.360 --> 0:36:15.960
<v Speaker 5>you're dictated by social context. So you might kind of

0:36:15.960 --> 0:36:17.960
<v Speaker 5>feel like life's a bit of a pinball machine where

0:36:17.960 --> 0:36:20.560
<v Speaker 5>you go from being born to being overwhelmed. So you've

0:36:20.560 --> 0:36:24.400
<v Speaker 5>got high, mid and low frequency. If you're really low frequency,

0:36:24.440 --> 0:36:27.080
<v Speaker 5>you're probably happy to live on your own. You prefer

0:36:27.120 --> 0:36:29.760
<v Speaker 5>the company of animals maybe to the company of people.

0:36:31.800 --> 0:36:34.120
<v Speaker 5>It's about where you feel most like yourself and most

0:36:34.160 --> 0:36:36.759
<v Speaker 5>at home. So high frequency people who feel most like

0:36:36.800 --> 0:36:40.080
<v Speaker 5>themselves in the company of other people. And it can

0:36:40.120 --> 0:36:44.080
<v Speaker 5>be certain types of people, not just anyone. But that's frequency.

0:36:44.239 --> 0:36:47.640
<v Speaker 5>So is that you get that that's pretty obvious.

0:36:47.400 --> 0:36:48.080
<v Speaker 4>To most people.

0:36:48.600 --> 0:36:51.160
<v Speaker 5>Intensity is new, So this is a new element that

0:36:51.200 --> 0:36:54.799
<v Speaker 5>I identified in researching group dynamics. Intensity is about what

0:36:55.120 --> 0:36:58.560
<v Speaker 5>type of human connection you prefer to experience with other

0:36:58.600 --> 0:37:02.480
<v Speaker 5>people and how you bond with others. And this is

0:37:02.520 --> 0:37:05.000
<v Speaker 5>the real key here because we talk a lot about

0:37:05.000 --> 0:37:07.399
<v Speaker 5>extroverts and introverts, but we don't talk a lot about well,

0:37:07.400 --> 0:37:10.000
<v Speaker 5>when you are together with people, how do you like

0:37:10.080 --> 0:37:11.640
<v Speaker 5>that to feel and how do you like that to be.

0:37:12.200 --> 0:37:16.919
<v Speaker 5>So high intensity people primarily connect through talking and through

0:37:17.040 --> 0:37:22.880
<v Speaker 5>emotional sharing conversations and animated ideas, and they feel a

0:37:22.920 --> 0:37:25.760
<v Speaker 5>lot and so when they're around other people, they engage

0:37:25.760 --> 0:37:29.560
<v Speaker 5>in what I call affective empathy. Affective empathy is I

0:37:29.640 --> 0:37:33.080
<v Speaker 5>feel your feelings. I'm experiencing how you're feeling. And that's

0:37:33.080 --> 0:37:37.839
<v Speaker 5>a high intensity connector. Low intensity connectors are people who

0:37:38.200 --> 0:37:40.719
<v Speaker 5>want to be around other people but where there's no

0:37:40.719 --> 0:37:43.239
<v Speaker 5>pressure to talk. So let's go for a kayak or

0:37:43.320 --> 0:37:46.040
<v Speaker 5>let's go surfing, Let's go for a bike ride, Let's

0:37:46.120 --> 0:37:48.319
<v Speaker 5>go to a movie, let's go see a show, let's

0:37:48.360 --> 0:37:52.920
<v Speaker 5>play cards. But there's no pressure on that high intensity interaction.

0:37:53.400 --> 0:37:55.600
<v Speaker 5>Now some people might be listening and thinking, hold on.

0:37:55.640 --> 0:37:57.799
<v Speaker 5>It depends on the day. I might like both, and

0:37:57.840 --> 0:38:02.000
<v Speaker 5>they are mid intensity connectors. In tensity connectors have great range,

0:38:02.320 --> 0:38:05.160
<v Speaker 5>and they can probably do dinner on a movie. You know,

0:38:05.480 --> 0:38:07.920
<v Speaker 5>when I was younger, I'm such high intensity connector that

0:38:08.239 --> 0:38:10.359
<v Speaker 5>when I'd be asked out on a date to go

0:38:10.400 --> 0:38:11.520
<v Speaker 5>to a movie, I'd.

0:38:11.320 --> 0:38:13.239
<v Speaker 4>Be thinking, we don't even know each other yet. Why

0:38:13.280 --> 0:38:14.680
<v Speaker 4>do you want to go to a movie.

0:38:14.480 --> 0:38:16.120
<v Speaker 2>And then we can't talk and get to know each other.

0:38:16.239 --> 0:38:18.920
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, a movie's for when you really, really really know

0:38:19.000 --> 0:38:21.360
<v Speaker 5>someone already. Of course I would say yes because I

0:38:21.400 --> 0:38:24.239
<v Speaker 5>wanted to go out with them, But I never understood why.

0:38:24.280 --> 0:38:25.840
<v Speaker 4>I thought that was an odd choice.

0:38:26.239 --> 0:38:27.920
<v Speaker 5>And I think it's because people are like, because it's

0:38:27.960 --> 0:38:30.880
<v Speaker 5>low intensity, there's no pressure. The pressure is off on

0:38:30.960 --> 0:38:33.960
<v Speaker 5>the connection if you're in a low intensity scenario. So

0:38:34.520 --> 0:38:37.480
<v Speaker 5>I think of intensity as being a little bit like curtains.

0:38:37.480 --> 0:38:38.960
<v Speaker 5>And you probably didn't think I was going to say that,

0:38:39.200 --> 0:38:42.359
<v Speaker 5>But if you think of high intensity connection as being

0:38:42.400 --> 0:38:45.719
<v Speaker 5>like a sheer curtain, so a lot comes through and

0:38:45.760 --> 0:38:48.600
<v Speaker 5>a lot you can see through that curtain. The hard

0:38:48.680 --> 0:38:51.759
<v Speaker 5>is on their sleeve and share a lot and low

0:38:51.800 --> 0:38:54.960
<v Speaker 5>intensity connection. The further you're going down on the continue

0:38:54.960 --> 0:38:57.960
<v Speaker 5>and getting towards blockout curtains where they take a long

0:38:57.960 --> 0:38:59.840
<v Speaker 5>time to open up, a long time to trust.

0:39:00.880 --> 0:39:03.239
<v Speaker 1>Do you think that over time we can change our

0:39:03.280 --> 0:39:05.759
<v Speaker 1>frequency and our intensity, because listening to you say that,

0:39:05.800 --> 0:39:09.120
<v Speaker 1>I've always thought that I was high, like tornado, hurricane, hi,

0:39:09.239 --> 0:39:11.040
<v Speaker 1>high high, But everything you just said, I'm like, I'm

0:39:11.040 --> 0:39:13.759
<v Speaker 1>actually quite low low, low, low, which is unusual because

0:39:13.760 --> 0:39:15.560
<v Speaker 1>we talk for a living and we're we're always here,

0:39:15.840 --> 0:39:18.640
<v Speaker 1>you know, when we're on, we're on. But I think

0:39:18.680 --> 0:39:20.200
<v Speaker 1>I used to be a hurricane. So do you think

0:39:20.239 --> 0:39:22.280
<v Speaker 1>it's normal for people to change through the seasons.

0:39:22.480 --> 0:39:23.120
<v Speaker 4>Absolutely?

0:39:23.160 --> 0:39:25.400
<v Speaker 5>And I think of this as so there's a difference

0:39:25.400 --> 0:39:28.799
<v Speaker 5>between a life indicator and a type indicator. Now, a

0:39:28.880 --> 0:39:31.239
<v Speaker 5>type indicator is something that will stay with you for

0:39:31.320 --> 0:39:34.839
<v Speaker 5>the rest of your days, so this is who you

0:39:34.960 --> 0:39:38.239
<v Speaker 5>are now. A life indicator reflects where you are in

0:39:38.280 --> 0:39:39.640
<v Speaker 5>your life at that point.

0:39:40.040 --> 0:39:41.760
<v Speaker 4>So this absolutely can change.

0:39:41.800 --> 0:39:46.840
<v Speaker 5>And my research has shown that particularly as we age,

0:39:47.080 --> 0:39:50.440
<v Speaker 5>our frequency declines, and I think everyone can relate to that.

0:39:50.560 --> 0:39:52.440
<v Speaker 5>Compare how much you wanted to go out when you're

0:39:52.480 --> 0:39:55.200
<v Speaker 5>a child or a teenager to how often you go

0:39:55.239 --> 0:39:58.279
<v Speaker 5>out now, or how your energy just declines. You just

0:39:58.320 --> 0:40:01.600
<v Speaker 5>think I am drained by different things, and I put

0:40:01.640 --> 0:40:03.520
<v Speaker 5>my energy into different things.

0:40:03.560 --> 0:40:06.120
<v Speaker 1>So when my friends like organize a dinner and they're like,

0:40:06.200 --> 0:40:08.680
<v Speaker 1>let's meet at eight o'clock, I'm like, PM, you want

0:40:08.719 --> 0:40:10.680
<v Speaker 1>to meet at eight pm? Like, to me, that's so late.

0:40:10.760 --> 0:40:12.080
<v Speaker 1>I want to have already gone out for dinner and

0:40:12.120 --> 0:40:14.879
<v Speaker 1>be home by eight pm. But that happened to me yesterday. Yeah,

0:40:14.920 --> 0:40:16.359
<v Speaker 1>And I'm like, what do you mean eight pm? Surely

0:40:16.360 --> 0:40:17.920
<v Speaker 1>they've got that's all they've got, the only booking. Oh,

0:40:17.920 --> 0:40:18.799
<v Speaker 1>I don't think I can make it.

0:40:18.960 --> 0:40:21.880
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, I'm organizing something with my That's what I mean though,

0:40:22.040 --> 0:40:24.880
<v Speaker 5>this Friday night and they're saying, how about seven thirty?

0:40:24.920 --> 0:40:29.600
<v Speaker 4>And I realized seven thirty, Wow.

0:40:29.680 --> 0:40:36.640
<v Speaker 5>Okay, okay, right seven, I've got Saturday sport with the

0:40:36.719 --> 0:40:38.080
<v Speaker 5>kids in Then.

0:40:39.719 --> 0:40:41.160
<v Speaker 4>You just shift over your life.

0:40:41.160 --> 0:40:42.880
<v Speaker 5>And I think that's why I like this, because you

0:40:42.880 --> 0:40:45.720
<v Speaker 5>could take this at a different point in your life

0:40:45.760 --> 0:40:47.680
<v Speaker 5>and get But we don't change as much as we

0:40:47.719 --> 0:40:48.120
<v Speaker 5>think we.

0:40:48.120 --> 0:40:48.919
<v Speaker 1>Do, right.

0:40:49.000 --> 0:40:51.320
<v Speaker 4>I'd also love to this is going to sound creepy.

0:40:51.320 --> 0:40:54.000
<v Speaker 5>I'd love to profile you when you think you're low

0:40:54.760 --> 0:40:56.000
<v Speaker 5>compared to other people.

0:40:56.400 --> 0:40:57.080
<v Speaker 4>You couldn't do.

0:40:57.120 --> 0:41:00.600
<v Speaker 5>This job unless you had capacity for high frequency and

0:41:00.680 --> 0:41:01.400
<v Speaker 5>high intensity.

0:41:01.480 --> 0:41:03.600
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I have the capacity, but the capacity is small.

0:41:03.960 --> 0:41:07.160
<v Speaker 4>And also because you do the work that you do.

0:41:08.080 --> 0:41:10.239
<v Speaker 5>I would say that what we tend to do if

0:41:10.239 --> 0:41:13.640
<v Speaker 5>you think about it, almost like connection credits. So if

0:41:13.680 --> 0:41:15.879
<v Speaker 5>you're doing a podcast like this, that's going to take

0:41:15.880 --> 0:41:17.879
<v Speaker 5>a lot. Let's say we've got one hundred credits a day,

0:41:18.320 --> 0:41:20.160
<v Speaker 5>and doing a podcast like this is going to take

0:41:20.239 --> 0:41:21.880
<v Speaker 5>up a lot of your credits because you have to

0:41:21.920 --> 0:41:25.600
<v Speaker 5>be on and like really going for that discrete period

0:41:25.640 --> 0:41:29.080
<v Speaker 5>of time. You're then going to have less when you leave,

0:41:29.440 --> 0:41:31.880
<v Speaker 5>and you're going to have to compensate after doing a

0:41:31.920 --> 0:41:34.040
<v Speaker 5>podcast like this. And I think the same because of

0:41:34.120 --> 0:41:37.280
<v Speaker 5>the work that I do. It's very high intense burst,

0:41:37.440 --> 0:41:40.719
<v Speaker 5>high intensity bursts of energy, and so then the rest

0:41:40.760 --> 0:41:42.600
<v Speaker 5>of the day might be Even my sisters said to

0:41:42.640 --> 0:41:45.839
<v Speaker 5>me recently in social events, now you know, at family things,

0:41:45.880 --> 0:41:47.480
<v Speaker 5>I used to give speeches all the time.

0:41:48.360 --> 0:41:50.560
<v Speaker 4>Okay, I get up and go, sure, I'll speak.

0:41:50.760 --> 0:41:54.319
<v Speaker 5>And now that one asked you, alli, will my sister

0:41:54.320 --> 0:41:56.440
<v Speaker 5>didn't say to me recently, she said you are more

0:41:56.800 --> 0:42:00.760
<v Speaker 5>withdrawn now. Withdrawn's a strong word, but you are quieter

0:42:01.040 --> 0:42:04.600
<v Speaker 5>now at social events because of what you do for

0:42:04.640 --> 0:42:05.000
<v Speaker 5>a job.

0:42:05.239 --> 0:42:08.239
<v Speaker 2>In terms of identifying, So if you're I mean, I

0:42:08.280 --> 0:42:10.319
<v Speaker 2>think most of us can kind of listen to that

0:42:10.400 --> 0:42:13.160
<v Speaker 2>and have an understanding of who we are. But is

0:42:13.200 --> 0:42:15.680
<v Speaker 2>there a clear example if you're going to meet someone,

0:42:15.960 --> 0:42:18.359
<v Speaker 2>is there an easy identifier that might make you go

0:42:18.760 --> 0:42:21.520
<v Speaker 2>you are low intensity, you are high intensity.

0:42:21.719 --> 0:42:24.480
<v Speaker 5>So there's some really easy ways to read someone else's

0:42:24.480 --> 0:42:27.360
<v Speaker 5>behavior and understand what kind of connector they are. And

0:42:27.400 --> 0:42:30.600
<v Speaker 5>if you can read their connection type, you can then

0:42:30.719 --> 0:42:32.799
<v Speaker 5>know what belonging looks like for them, and then you

0:42:32.840 --> 0:42:34.960
<v Speaker 5>can offer it to them. And if belonging is our

0:42:35.000 --> 0:42:37.320
<v Speaker 5>greatest psychological need, and you can offer it to someone

0:42:37.360 --> 0:42:39.400
<v Speaker 5>your base, it's almost the equivalent of walking up to

0:42:39.440 --> 0:42:41.200
<v Speaker 5>someone and saying, here, I have a piece of chocolate cake.

0:42:41.600 --> 0:42:42.760
<v Speaker 4>It's just going to make them happy.

0:42:42.840 --> 0:42:45.000
<v Speaker 5>So if you want to make people happy, here's the

0:42:45.040 --> 0:42:47.160
<v Speaker 5>first way to do it, which is to offer them belonging.

0:42:47.239 --> 0:42:52.479
<v Speaker 5>So to read someone's connection type. Frequency is really easy. Now,

0:42:52.560 --> 0:42:56.080
<v Speaker 5>because I know you were talking, I could ask you,

0:42:56.160 --> 0:42:59.680
<v Speaker 5>if you are designing a perfect weekend for yourself, no

0:43:00.000 --> 0:43:03.320
<v Speaker 5>geographical or financial limit, would you want to be around

0:43:03.480 --> 0:43:06.000
<v Speaker 5>other people for more than fifty percent of the time?

0:43:06.120 --> 0:43:06.359
<v Speaker 1>God?

0:43:06.480 --> 0:43:07.799
<v Speaker 4>No, half the time?

0:43:08.160 --> 0:43:10.280
<v Speaker 2>Does it depend on the people though, because I think.

0:43:10.160 --> 0:43:11.280
<v Speaker 4>You choose, you choose.

0:43:11.440 --> 0:43:13.320
<v Speaker 1>Ah, Yeah, I would go away with a partner, but

0:43:13.360 --> 0:43:15.560
<v Speaker 1>I wouldn't want to be around anyone else. Yeah, more

0:43:15.560 --> 0:43:16.360
<v Speaker 1>than fifty percent of it?

0:43:16.480 --> 0:43:19.239
<v Speaker 5>No, the partner is included because some people will say

0:43:19.320 --> 0:43:21.359
<v Speaker 5>alone more than fifty percent of the time.

0:43:21.400 --> 0:43:22.520
<v Speaker 1>I'd probably say fifty percent.

0:43:23.800 --> 0:43:25.600
<v Speaker 4>So you'd want to be around him fifty percent of

0:43:25.680 --> 0:43:26.000
<v Speaker 4>the time.

0:43:26.280 --> 0:43:29.959
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, yeah, So then you're a mid frequency connector fifty

0:43:29.960 --> 0:43:33.160
<v Speaker 5>to seventy because he listens once. I I asked this

0:43:33.200 --> 0:43:34.480
<v Speaker 5>in a workshop and a guy who puts up with

0:43:34.520 --> 0:43:36.520
<v Speaker 5>hand he goes, do I have to be with my family?

0:43:37.440 --> 0:43:39.759
<v Speaker 5>So mostly you can't go up to a stranger and

0:43:39.800 --> 0:43:42.200
<v Speaker 5>say so, if you're designing a perfect weekend, would you

0:43:42.200 --> 0:43:43.120
<v Speaker 5>want to be alone for.

0:43:43.239 --> 0:43:47.600
<v Speaker 4>More than time? Was that it's going to sound weird.

0:43:47.760 --> 0:43:50.480
<v Speaker 5>So what you're looking for for frequency is how often

0:43:50.520 --> 0:43:53.760
<v Speaker 5>someone talks and how fast they talk. So if somebody

0:43:54.120 --> 0:43:56.200
<v Speaker 5>meets you for the first time and they just straight

0:43:56.239 --> 0:43:59.120
<v Speaker 5>in there and they're chatting no matter what they're talking about,

0:43:59.160 --> 0:44:02.200
<v Speaker 5>you can think yourself and I can do this really quickly. Now,

0:44:02.640 --> 0:44:05.080
<v Speaker 5>high middle, low frequency. Oh do you want me to

0:44:05.080 --> 0:44:05.840
<v Speaker 5>do low frequency?

0:44:05.920 --> 0:44:06.960
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, give us an example of it.

0:44:07.160 --> 0:44:10.040
<v Speaker 5>Look like it'll sound like I'm sedated. But okay, So

0:44:10.120 --> 0:44:15.799
<v Speaker 5>here here's me doing low frequency. So there's there's more

0:44:15.880 --> 0:44:23.680
<v Speaker 5>pauses in speech. When someone's low frequency. You would feel

0:44:23.719 --> 0:44:27.360
<v Speaker 5>like they are really thinking about what they're saying.

0:44:28.200 --> 0:44:30.560
<v Speaker 4>I can't do it for long, it just feels too uncomfortable.

0:44:30.600 --> 0:44:31.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, very considered.

0:44:32.080 --> 0:44:36.000
<v Speaker 5>Yes, And someone's energy, they're not focusing too much on

0:44:36.040 --> 0:44:40.520
<v Speaker 5>the conversation because their habitat is when they're on their own.

0:44:40.960 --> 0:44:43.280
<v Speaker 5>So for them, the conversation is a lot of energy.

0:44:43.800 --> 0:44:46.880
<v Speaker 5>Somebody's who's high frequencies are like, it's really it's loud

0:44:46.920 --> 0:44:49.520
<v Speaker 5>and so it's fast, it's it's almost it's exciting to

0:44:49.560 --> 0:44:52.839
<v Speaker 5>be talking to them, and not to say like everyone's variable, right,

0:44:52.880 --> 0:44:54.799
<v Speaker 5>and it's all relative, and it depends on who you're with.

0:44:55.040 --> 0:44:58.960
<v Speaker 5>There's very contextual, but we do have these comfort zones

0:44:59.000 --> 0:45:01.520
<v Speaker 5>of connections. That's a first one that's frequency, So you're

0:45:01.560 --> 0:45:04.160
<v Speaker 5>looking at how fast someone speaks and how much they

0:45:04.200 --> 0:45:08.239
<v Speaker 5>speak to work out frequency. Intensity is interesting and this

0:45:08.360 --> 0:45:12.000
<v Speaker 5>took me a long time to identify. And this comes

0:45:12.000 --> 0:45:15.919
<v Speaker 5>from our body language. You can read someone's intensity through

0:45:16.160 --> 0:45:19.719
<v Speaker 5>the level of their hand gestures as they're talking in

0:45:19.760 --> 0:45:20.800
<v Speaker 5>a comfortable.

0:45:20.480 --> 0:45:21.440
<v Speaker 4>I thought that was just conversation.

0:45:21.719 --> 0:45:24.120
<v Speaker 1>Greek and Italian background, Lawrence, we were all like this.

0:45:24.560 --> 0:45:26.760
<v Speaker 4>So some people will say that that it's cultural.

0:45:26.800 --> 0:45:29.680
<v Speaker 5>But people who are high frequency, if you imagine that,

0:45:30.120 --> 0:45:32.880
<v Speaker 5>the middle of intensity is almost like the middle of

0:45:32.920 --> 0:45:36.040
<v Speaker 5>our body, so it's our waist. If your hands are

0:45:36.080 --> 0:45:38.080
<v Speaker 5>above your waist, a lot of the time when you're

0:45:38.120 --> 0:45:41.399
<v Speaker 5>in animated conversation, you're a high intensity connector, so you're

0:45:41.440 --> 0:45:46.000
<v Speaker 5>communicating to other people that you like to connect through talking.

0:45:46.239 --> 0:45:49.800
<v Speaker 5>Now if someone's mid intensity, so above the waist body

0:45:49.840 --> 0:45:52.400
<v Speaker 5>language is what we call the truth zone of body language.

0:45:52.440 --> 0:45:55.000
<v Speaker 5>So between the waist and the shoulders, if our hands

0:45:55.000 --> 0:45:57.800
<v Speaker 5>are here, this is the truth zone. Above the shoulders

0:45:57.840 --> 0:45:59.960
<v Speaker 5>is the passion zone. So there's a lot of cold

0:46:00.320 --> 0:46:04.040
<v Speaker 5>that are communicating below the waist. They're lying no, no, no.

0:46:04.239 --> 0:46:06.759
<v Speaker 1>So someone's like I was at home alone, I swear.

0:46:08.520 --> 0:46:11.320
<v Speaker 4>You're like, gotcha, Teeter, No, it's about that.

0:46:11.640 --> 0:46:13.680
<v Speaker 5>So I guess the truth zone because you know, when

0:46:13.680 --> 0:46:16.319
<v Speaker 5>you're trying to persuade people and your hands are here,

0:46:16.400 --> 0:46:19.000
<v Speaker 5>Believe me, you know it's impassioned. When your hands are

0:46:19.040 --> 0:46:21.920
<v Speaker 5>up here. Below the waist is the casual zone of

0:46:22.040 --> 0:46:25.080
<v Speaker 5>body language. So you can have mid intensity connectors whose

0:46:25.120 --> 0:46:27.600
<v Speaker 5>hands are down here and you might they might even

0:46:27.680 --> 0:46:29.960
<v Speaker 5>dart up here for a second and then they come back.

0:46:30.040 --> 0:46:31.520
<v Speaker 4>Or one's down here and one's up here.

0:46:31.560 --> 0:46:33.880
<v Speaker 5>So in my workshop, it's fascinating because I get people

0:46:33.880 --> 0:46:35.640
<v Speaker 5>to just stand up and have a chat with the

0:46:35.680 --> 0:46:36.520
<v Speaker 5>person next to them.

0:46:36.760 --> 0:46:38.879
<v Speaker 1>Can you tell when someone's lying? Like, I know you're

0:46:38.880 --> 0:46:41.279
<v Speaker 1>not a human lie detector, but because you're so in

0:46:41.320 --> 0:46:45.279
<v Speaker 1>depth in behavior from people and responses, do you feel

0:46:45.280 --> 0:46:48.080
<v Speaker 1>like they are very generic cues when someone's lying, like

0:46:48.160 --> 0:46:50.000
<v Speaker 1>an eye dart or you know, like not.

0:46:50.239 --> 0:46:51.160
<v Speaker 4>I think you're looking for.

0:46:51.320 --> 0:46:55.520
<v Speaker 5>So when you're looking to detect lying or someone who's

0:46:55.560 --> 0:46:58.120
<v Speaker 5>not telling the truth, you're looking for a deviation or

0:46:58.160 --> 0:47:02.560
<v Speaker 5>a movement away from baseline behaviors. So to take me

0:47:02.600 --> 0:47:04.640
<v Speaker 5>for an example, I can't remember the LST last time

0:47:04.640 --> 0:47:07.640
<v Speaker 5>I toldal Ie not a big one anyway.

0:47:08.360 --> 0:47:09.239
<v Speaker 2>No one you'll tell on you.

0:47:09.960 --> 0:47:12.960
<v Speaker 5>So you'd be looking and saying, okay, well, Allie's normally

0:47:13.000 --> 0:47:15.400
<v Speaker 5>high frequent. She talks a lot and talks quite quickly,

0:47:15.440 --> 0:47:19.040
<v Speaker 5>and her hands are here. So if I was saying

0:47:19.040 --> 0:47:22.879
<v Speaker 5>something that wasn't true, it might be that I, if

0:47:22.880 --> 0:47:25.000
<v Speaker 5>I normally make eye contact with you, that I stopped

0:47:25.000 --> 0:47:27.359
<v Speaker 5>making eye contact. But there are some people who rarely

0:47:27.400 --> 0:47:29.000
<v Speaker 5>make eye contact, and so it doesn't mean that they're

0:47:29.040 --> 0:47:30.720
<v Speaker 5>lying just because they do. I don't think it's useful

0:47:30.760 --> 0:47:34.160
<v Speaker 5>to talk about a bullet point list. You're looking for

0:47:34.320 --> 0:47:37.680
<v Speaker 5>someone moving away from their typical behaviors because they're trying

0:47:37.680 --> 0:47:39.919
<v Speaker 5>to deceive. So they're not going to engage in how

0:47:39.920 --> 0:47:42.800
<v Speaker 5>they normally speak. They're going to do something different.

0:47:43.480 --> 0:47:46.200
<v Speaker 2>Just going back to this conversation about high intensity or

0:47:46.239 --> 0:47:49.640
<v Speaker 2>low intensity individuals. When we talk about this in terms

0:47:49.640 --> 0:47:52.400
<v Speaker 2>of like a workplace, not so much in a romantic relationship,

0:47:52.400 --> 0:47:55.799
<v Speaker 2>but in a workplace environment, are there certain careers that

0:47:55.800 --> 0:47:58.040
<v Speaker 2>people who are high intensity are attracted to and people

0:47:58.040 --> 0:47:59.520
<v Speaker 2>who are low intensity are attracted to.

0:47:59.840 --> 0:48:04.000
<v Speaker 5>So if you are extreme high intensity, for example, it

0:48:04.080 --> 0:48:08.719
<v Speaker 5>gives you above average expression and courage and audacity. So

0:48:08.760 --> 0:48:11.120
<v Speaker 5>I would say that both of you are high intensity

0:48:11.440 --> 0:48:13.880
<v Speaker 5>and you are willing to share things that most people

0:48:14.080 --> 0:48:16.200
<v Speaker 5>would be embarrassed to share in a public way.

0:48:16.920 --> 0:48:19.359
<v Speaker 2>But that makes you hallie how dear?

0:48:19.520 --> 0:48:25.800
<v Speaker 1>Yeah? Also fair true, yeah, but that gives you above

0:48:25.960 --> 0:48:30.160
<v Speaker 1>average courage and fearlessness in expression that.

0:48:30.120 --> 0:48:33.480
<v Speaker 5>People enjoy because they can live through you. So you

0:48:33.600 --> 0:48:34.640
<v Speaker 5>become channels.

0:48:35.000 --> 0:48:35.200
<v Speaker 2>Right.

0:48:35.400 --> 0:48:38.360
<v Speaker 5>So most people who are around the middle of intensity,

0:48:38.400 --> 0:48:42.480
<v Speaker 5>who don't want to share unfiltered stuff about their embarrassing paths,

0:48:42.800 --> 0:48:45.400
<v Speaker 5>they want to access people who are willing to do that.

0:48:45.440 --> 0:48:47.320
<v Speaker 4>Do you see what I'm saying. So it's a gift.

0:48:47.680 --> 0:48:49.480
<v Speaker 4>It's not about saying, oh, I'm not in the middle.

0:48:49.640 --> 0:48:53.080
<v Speaker 5>But then if you're low frequency and really high intensity,

0:48:53.120 --> 0:48:56.880
<v Speaker 5>above average empathy, if you're low frequency and low intensity,

0:48:56.920 --> 0:49:00.000
<v Speaker 5>above average self sufficiency, these are the people who would

0:49:00.080 --> 0:49:02.920
<v Speaker 5>be explorers who can go to Mars because they don't

0:49:02.960 --> 0:49:05.160
<v Speaker 5>need people as much as other people do. Or if

0:49:05.200 --> 0:49:09.680
<v Speaker 5>you're somebody who's high frequency but extreme low intensity. I

0:49:09.719 --> 0:49:13.000
<v Speaker 5>know I'm saying a lot of terminology here, but above

0:49:13.040 --> 0:49:15.520
<v Speaker 5>average grit. So these are the people who can probably

0:49:15.520 --> 0:49:18.440
<v Speaker 5>go to war and deal with those sorts of extreme

0:49:18.680 --> 0:49:21.000
<v Speaker 5>environments that most people go oh, that I couldn't do that.

0:49:21.120 --> 0:49:24.040
<v Speaker 5>So it's not about right or wrong, or good or

0:49:24.080 --> 0:49:28.439
<v Speaker 5>bad types. It's actually about identifying your type, your comfort zone,

0:49:28.440 --> 0:49:29.640
<v Speaker 5>because it's like your skin.

0:49:30.600 --> 0:49:31.560
<v Speaker 4>This is how I explain it.

0:49:31.600 --> 0:49:35.680
<v Speaker 5>If you're highly intense, it's almost like having really fair skin,

0:49:35.800 --> 0:49:37.520
<v Speaker 5>So when you go out into the sun.

0:49:37.760 --> 0:49:40.960
<v Speaker 4>You are affected by that world.

0:49:41.000 --> 0:49:42.680
<v Speaker 5>So when I go into a courtroom, if I'm a

0:49:42.719 --> 0:49:45.600
<v Speaker 5>high intensity person, it's almost like going out into the

0:49:45.600 --> 0:49:46.640
<v Speaker 5>sun with no protection.

0:49:46.920 --> 0:49:48.839
<v Speaker 4>You burn too quickly, You burn really quickly.

0:49:48.880 --> 0:49:53.040
<v Speaker 5>Whereas if someone's low intensity, they've just got maybe thicker

0:49:53.120 --> 0:49:55.279
<v Speaker 5>skin and they can go out into the sun it

0:49:55.320 --> 0:49:57.839
<v Speaker 5>doesn't affect them as much. But then they don't have

0:49:57.880 --> 0:50:00.719
<v Speaker 5>that sensitivity, and they don't you know, there's all these

0:50:00.719 --> 0:50:03.200
<v Speaker 5>different gifts that come from just finding out your type.

0:50:04.920 --> 0:50:07.160
<v Speaker 2>Why do you think it's so important? I mean in

0:50:07.239 --> 0:50:09.800
<v Speaker 2>terms of we've spoken so much in the past about

0:50:09.800 --> 0:50:13.000
<v Speaker 2>things like being an introvert or an extrovert. We've spoken

0:50:13.040 --> 0:50:16.280
<v Speaker 2>about knowing your attachment style or knowing your love language,

0:50:16.280 --> 0:50:19.919
<v Speaker 2>Like there's a million different types of communication styles. Yeah,

0:50:19.920 --> 0:50:22.279
<v Speaker 2>there's a million different types of tests you can do

0:50:22.360 --> 0:50:23.880
<v Speaker 2>to figure out who you are. I mean, we've all

0:50:23.920 --> 0:50:25.719
<v Speaker 2>also done those tests when you've gone for a new

0:50:25.760 --> 0:50:27.799
<v Speaker 2>employment to kind of put you into a category of

0:50:28.080 --> 0:50:30.319
<v Speaker 2>what type of person you are. But why do you

0:50:30.320 --> 0:50:33.960
<v Speaker 2>think it's so important for people to understand their connection type?

0:50:33.960 --> 0:50:35.520
<v Speaker 2>And why do you think this is such a missed

0:50:35.520 --> 0:50:37.120
<v Speaker 2>category that hasn't been explored.

0:50:37.440 --> 0:50:40.040
<v Speaker 5>So and thank you for asking that, because I didn't

0:50:40.040 --> 0:50:42.279
<v Speaker 5>want to create a new thing because I almost found

0:50:42.280 --> 0:50:44.239
<v Speaker 5>it a little bit embarrassing in a way because there's

0:50:44.280 --> 0:50:46.600
<v Speaker 5>so many quizzes out there and some people might.

0:50:46.480 --> 0:50:48.120
<v Speaker 4>Say, oh, yeah, I know that, like what type of

0:50:48.160 --> 0:50:50.680
<v Speaker 4>dog should you buy? Based on why.

0:50:50.560 --> 0:50:53.040
<v Speaker 1>Do you like to run or not? Do you want

0:50:53.040 --> 0:50:53.880
<v Speaker 1>to be a slot?

0:50:53.719 --> 0:50:55.800
<v Speaker 2>And so that all of that.

0:50:55.880 --> 0:50:59.520
<v Speaker 5>We grew up doing those quizzes in magazines all the time.

0:50:59.440 --> 0:51:01.920
<v Speaker 2>And also try to put ourselves into different categories to

0:51:01.960 --> 0:51:03.560
<v Speaker 2>better understand ourselves.

0:51:03.719 --> 0:51:06.680
<v Speaker 5>Yes, and this one was different, And the reason I

0:51:06.760 --> 0:51:09.080
<v Speaker 5>designed it is because I realized all these tests we're

0:51:09.120 --> 0:51:12.719
<v Speaker 5>doing tell us about who we are, whereas this one

0:51:12.800 --> 0:51:15.720
<v Speaker 5>has a different focus and it's more about the social

0:51:15.880 --> 0:51:19.680
<v Speaker 5>environment that helps you thrive. And that's why this is different.

0:51:19.680 --> 0:51:21.479
<v Speaker 5>That's why I wanted to create it because I did

0:51:21.520 --> 0:51:24.600
<v Speaker 5>see a huge gap. So what I want people to

0:51:24.640 --> 0:51:27.520
<v Speaker 5>take from this is not ah, that's who I am,

0:51:27.960 --> 0:51:28.680
<v Speaker 5>full stop.

0:51:28.960 --> 0:51:30.279
<v Speaker 4>It's actually okay, So.

0:51:30.480 --> 0:51:35.720
<v Speaker 5>Here's my optimal connection environment, here's my optimal social environment.

0:51:35.760 --> 0:51:38.280
<v Speaker 5>So how can I design my life in a way

0:51:38.320 --> 0:51:41.160
<v Speaker 5>that supports me? So the gifts that you both have.

0:51:41.840 --> 0:51:45.640
<v Speaker 5>If you were in an introverted, low intensity life where

0:51:45.640 --> 0:51:49.040
<v Speaker 5>you were doing quite nonverbal tasks all day every day,

0:51:49.080 --> 0:51:53.000
<v Speaker 5>I would expect you to really languish. I would expect

0:51:53.000 --> 0:51:56.320
<v Speaker 5>you to be very unhappy because you're not living according

0:51:56.320 --> 0:51:59.000
<v Speaker 5>to your connection environment. And equally, if you have someone

0:51:59.480 --> 0:52:02.200
<v Speaker 5>doing a poods like this and they're low frequency and

0:52:02.239 --> 0:52:06.799
<v Speaker 5>low intensity, they would be sweating, they'd be petrified, their

0:52:06.880 --> 0:52:09.000
<v Speaker 5>mouth would be dry like they would have they'd take

0:52:09.120 --> 0:52:12.279
<v Speaker 5>days to recover from something like this. So I want

0:52:12.320 --> 0:52:14.480
<v Speaker 5>people to use this and then say okay, so this

0:52:14.520 --> 0:52:16.160
<v Speaker 5>is the sort of environment I need. And so you

0:52:16.200 --> 0:52:19.640
<v Speaker 5>ask a question about workplaces, and now post COVID, we

0:52:19.680 --> 0:52:23.600
<v Speaker 5>have this huge opportunity to design workplaces in a flexible way.

0:52:23.680 --> 0:52:25.840
<v Speaker 5>Not all can be And some people I speak to

0:52:25.960 --> 0:52:27.680
<v Speaker 5>work in jails and they sort.

0:52:27.560 --> 0:52:30.080
<v Speaker 4>Of said, oh, yeah, how do I do flexible.

0:52:29.520 --> 0:52:33.280
<v Speaker 5>Working or working from home? If I'm a corrective services officer. Obviously,

0:52:33.360 --> 0:52:35.480
<v Speaker 5>not every workplace can do this, but if you do

0:52:35.640 --> 0:52:38.600
<v Speaker 5>work from home, now you can start to design your

0:52:38.640 --> 0:52:41.919
<v Speaker 5>week in a way that supports your connection. What's really

0:52:41.920 --> 0:52:45.839
<v Speaker 5>interesting is we're seeing this mid frequency, mid intensity way

0:52:45.840 --> 0:52:49.120
<v Speaker 5>of connecting because most people live there where people let's

0:52:49.160 --> 0:52:51.040
<v Speaker 5>just come into the office about half the time or

0:52:51.080 --> 0:52:53.040
<v Speaker 5>three days a week and then work from home and

0:52:53.080 --> 0:52:55.439
<v Speaker 5>the rest of the time and we'll have some collaboration time.

0:52:55.480 --> 0:52:57.880
<v Speaker 5>In some ways, it's really you can see that the

0:52:57.920 --> 0:53:00.360
<v Speaker 5>world is designed for the people in the middle.

0:53:00.640 --> 0:53:03.160
<v Speaker 1>Ali, I'd love to talk about romantic relationships because it's

0:53:03.160 --> 0:53:05.080
<v Speaker 1>a big part of what we talk about here at

0:53:05.080 --> 0:53:08.480
<v Speaker 1>lifelon card. What is your take on this idea of

0:53:08.560 --> 0:53:11.399
<v Speaker 1>opposites attract Because we hear this term all the time,

0:53:11.440 --> 0:53:14.440
<v Speaker 1>opposites attract, But then we hear people say, oh, but

0:53:14.520 --> 0:53:16.520
<v Speaker 1>you don't want someone to opposite because you're clash. You

0:53:16.600 --> 0:53:19.319
<v Speaker 1>want someone to have some similarities with you. Then you

0:53:19.400 --> 0:53:21.880
<v Speaker 1>have people say, I have mummy and daddy issues. I'm

0:53:21.880 --> 0:53:23.719
<v Speaker 1>attracted to someone that's like my dad or like my

0:53:23.800 --> 0:53:26.320
<v Speaker 1>mom in terms of personality and is that a connection?

0:53:26.400 --> 0:53:30.320
<v Speaker 1>So what is your whole overarching idea on opposites attract.

0:53:30.760 --> 0:53:32.720
<v Speaker 1>How many similarities do we need to have with someone

0:53:33.120 --> 0:53:36.000
<v Speaker 1>in a romantic relationship for it to be a successful relationship,

0:53:36.560 --> 0:53:38.640
<v Speaker 1>And why do we have daddy issues?

0:53:40.440 --> 0:53:41.120
<v Speaker 2>I'm jo.

0:53:43.600 --> 0:53:46.560
<v Speaker 5>Okay, So what I found through the course of the

0:53:46.600 --> 0:53:50.680
<v Speaker 5>research was really interesting. We look for friends who mirror

0:53:51.200 --> 0:53:56.840
<v Speaker 5>our connection type, and we look for partners, romantic partners

0:53:57.239 --> 0:54:01.680
<v Speaker 5>who balance us out or enhance us in some way. Now,

0:54:01.960 --> 0:54:07.120
<v Speaker 5>that's where opposites attract is not actually totally true, because

0:54:07.160 --> 0:54:12.120
<v Speaker 5>an opposite in my language, would be someone completely on

0:54:12.160 --> 0:54:14.760
<v Speaker 5>the other side of the model to you. So, for example,

0:54:14.800 --> 0:54:17.600
<v Speaker 5>if your high frequency and high intensity, your opposite would

0:54:17.640 --> 0:54:20.640
<v Speaker 5>be low frequency and low intensity, and those don't work.

0:54:20.719 --> 0:54:22.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, which I was going to say, I could obviously

0:54:22.560 --> 0:54:24.840
<v Speaker 2>be friends with someone, but couldn't have a relationship with

0:54:24.920 --> 0:54:28.799
<v Speaker 2>someone who was low intensity and introverted and needed to

0:54:28.800 --> 0:54:30.880
<v Speaker 2>be alone because so many of my needs would go

0:54:31.000 --> 0:54:31.520
<v Speaker 2>on mat.

0:54:31.520 --> 0:54:33.480
<v Speaker 5>So what we do is we go out into the

0:54:33.480 --> 0:54:36.120
<v Speaker 5>world and we're looking for it. If you think of

0:54:36.120 --> 0:54:38.439
<v Speaker 5>a romantic relationship as being like a three legged race,

0:54:38.960 --> 0:54:41.160
<v Speaker 5>you want someone who can be on the other side

0:54:41.160 --> 0:54:44.759
<v Speaker 5>to you and running alongside you, able enough to meet

0:54:44.880 --> 0:54:45.520
<v Speaker 5>your need.

0:54:45.440 --> 0:54:48.160
<v Speaker 1>That I am picturing this this is such a funny analogy.

0:54:48.320 --> 0:54:49.240
<v Speaker 1>It makes sense.

0:54:49.920 --> 0:54:53.439
<v Speaker 5>So they're alongside you, okay, So whereas friendships are more

0:54:53.520 --> 0:54:56.760
<v Speaker 5>like a mirror. So you're sitting and you're looking for self,

0:54:57.040 --> 0:54:59.560
<v Speaker 5>and it doesn't make it an egotistical exercise that you

0:54:59.560 --> 0:55:01.600
<v Speaker 5>go out and the world and find people like you.

0:55:01.600 --> 0:55:03.759
<v Speaker 5>You are saying to this other person in front of you,

0:55:03.840 --> 0:55:08.960
<v Speaker 5>this friend, you are my greatest key to self discovery.

0:55:09.239 --> 0:55:11.799
<v Speaker 5>You can help me be more of me, be the

0:55:11.840 --> 0:55:14.359
<v Speaker 5>best version of me. You're helping me be better. Right,

0:55:14.400 --> 0:55:18.279
<v Speaker 5>So that's what friends do. But a romantic partner, in

0:55:18.320 --> 0:55:21.080
<v Speaker 5>a really primal way, whether you want to have children

0:55:21.080 --> 0:55:23.680
<v Speaker 5>with that person or not, you are looking at this

0:55:23.800 --> 0:55:28.919
<v Speaker 5>romantic partner emotionally and saying, if we were to become one,

0:55:30.040 --> 0:55:32.960
<v Speaker 5>you would make me better. So we might have a

0:55:33.000 --> 0:55:35.600
<v Speaker 5>perception that we need smoothing out. We have a rough

0:55:35.680 --> 0:55:37.279
<v Speaker 5>edge that needs a bit of smoothing out, so you

0:55:37.360 --> 0:55:39.760
<v Speaker 5>might find someone who has a smooth edge in that place.

0:55:40.080 --> 0:55:42.920
<v Speaker 5>You're looking for almost the other side of the puzzle piece.

0:55:43.239 --> 0:55:45.160
<v Speaker 5>And that's why people say you complete me. You're the

0:55:45.480 --> 0:55:48.040
<v Speaker 5>and so in a way that's correct, because you're a

0:55:48.120 --> 0:55:50.480
<v Speaker 5>sort of puzzle piece with some jagged edges, and then

0:55:50.520 --> 0:55:52.960
<v Speaker 5>you find the other bit that just makes that hole

0:55:53.040 --> 0:55:56.160
<v Speaker 5>you're looking for a hole. So I'll give you an

0:55:56.200 --> 0:55:59.680
<v Speaker 5>example in my life. My friends are all mid to

0:55:59.760 --> 0:56:02.920
<v Speaker 5>high frequency and high intensity like me.

0:56:03.080 --> 0:56:04.440
<v Speaker 4>So when we get together.

0:56:04.200 --> 0:56:06.920
<v Speaker 5>It's a lot of animated talking and excited I don't want

0:56:07.040 --> 0:56:09.360
<v Speaker 5>going off on tangents. And whereas my husband is a

0:56:09.400 --> 0:56:13.680
<v Speaker 5>shape shifter, he's right at the center, mid frequency, mid intensity.

0:56:14.080 --> 0:56:16.319
<v Speaker 5>And I think of our relationship almost as like I'm

0:56:16.320 --> 0:56:19.880
<v Speaker 5>the kite out in the wind and he's this amazing

0:56:19.960 --> 0:56:22.799
<v Speaker 5>anchor guiding the kite. You know, he comes to win

0:56:22.880 --> 0:56:25.279
<v Speaker 5>and I'm just gonna pull it in or let it

0:56:25.320 --> 0:56:27.520
<v Speaker 5>go out. And so I would describe him in ways

0:56:27.600 --> 0:56:30.239
<v Speaker 5>like he centers me or he grounds me. And I

0:56:30.239 --> 0:56:34.200
<v Speaker 5>think everybody, depending on your your needs and connection, will

0:56:34.239 --> 0:56:37.239
<v Speaker 5>be looking for someone else who makes you feel like

0:56:37.280 --> 0:56:38.600
<v Speaker 5>a better version of yourself.

0:56:38.800 --> 0:56:41.279
<v Speaker 2>Do you think that this is where people can come

0:56:41.360 --> 0:56:44.120
<v Speaker 2>unstuck in relationships in terms of in the way that

0:56:44.120 --> 0:56:47.640
<v Speaker 2>we communicate. So, for example, if you are mismatched in

0:56:47.640 --> 0:56:49.640
<v Speaker 2>your pairing in terms of how you show up in

0:56:49.680 --> 0:56:52.319
<v Speaker 2>your connections. If you are somebody who is a high

0:56:52.400 --> 0:56:55.359
<v Speaker 2>frequency and you have sought out a relationship with someone

0:56:55.400 --> 0:56:59.200
<v Speaker 2>who's low frequency, feeling like you don't speak to me,

0:56:59.360 --> 0:57:03.120
<v Speaker 2>you don't talk to me, and not understanding that maybe

0:57:03.160 --> 0:57:05.600
<v Speaker 2>they just don't do that at all. It's not just

0:57:05.600 --> 0:57:07.920
<v Speaker 2>not with you, it's that they don't have the capacity

0:57:08.080 --> 0:57:11.520
<v Speaker 2>or the ability to tap into that side of themselves

0:57:11.560 --> 0:57:13.919
<v Speaker 2>in the same way that someone who maybe high frequency can,

0:57:14.280 --> 0:57:16.840
<v Speaker 2>and they may enjoy that connection in a different way.

0:57:17.360 --> 0:57:19.880
<v Speaker 5>Absolutely, and so many of the conversations that I have

0:57:19.960 --> 0:57:22.600
<v Speaker 5>with people are around that. But I think it's so

0:57:22.680 --> 0:57:25.320
<v Speaker 5>important to say, and I'm really excited to say it

0:57:25.400 --> 0:57:29.120
<v Speaker 5>here in this context, we've been conditioned to think that

0:57:29.200 --> 0:57:31.720
<v Speaker 5>all of our connection needs should be met by one

0:57:32.120 --> 0:57:35.520
<v Speaker 5>romantic partner. And my research shows that if you think

0:57:35.520 --> 0:57:37.960
<v Speaker 5>of connection as being like a piece or a pie

0:57:37.960 --> 0:57:41.880
<v Speaker 5>with eight pieces, your romantic partner is one piece of

0:57:41.920 --> 0:57:45.000
<v Speaker 5>that pie, one piece. And we ask them, and we're

0:57:45.080 --> 0:57:46.880
<v Speaker 5>raised with all the movies that we've watched, in the

0:57:46.880 --> 0:57:49.640
<v Speaker 5>books that we've read, and the fairy tales, we're conditioned

0:57:49.680 --> 0:57:52.600
<v Speaker 5>to almost think that they are seven pieces of our pie,

0:57:52.600 --> 0:57:54.840
<v Speaker 5>and that we're the final piece with our family and

0:57:54.880 --> 0:57:58.240
<v Speaker 5>friends and all that. But we have an entire pie

0:57:58.320 --> 0:58:02.680
<v Speaker 5>of connection and belonging. We need to experience. And so

0:58:03.040 --> 0:58:05.200
<v Speaker 5>when people say to me they don't talk to me

0:58:05.440 --> 0:58:08.280
<v Speaker 5>or they're too low frequency for me, my first response

0:58:08.400 --> 0:58:12.000
<v Speaker 5>is number one, we can't take anyone else's connection type

0:58:12.040 --> 0:58:16.320
<v Speaker 5>personally ever, totally, because their connection type is developed pretty

0:58:16.360 --> 0:58:19.120
<v Speaker 5>much before the age of ten. So if they're behaving

0:58:19.160 --> 0:58:20.919
<v Speaker 5>as an adult in a certain way, it has very

0:58:20.920 --> 0:58:23.360
<v Speaker 5>little to do with you. But yes, we do produce

0:58:23.880 --> 0:58:26.880
<v Speaker 5>reactions with other people. Some people might make us feel

0:58:26.880 --> 0:58:30.280
<v Speaker 5>comfortable at ease natural, some people might make us feel

0:58:30.280 --> 0:58:32.919
<v Speaker 5>a little bit more uncomfortable. But if someone's not talking

0:58:32.920 --> 0:58:35.280
<v Speaker 5>to you, they probably don't talk to anyone else either.

0:58:35.440 --> 0:58:38.560
<v Speaker 5>It's not that they're sharing, you know. And if someone

0:58:38.640 --> 0:58:39.960
<v Speaker 5>might say, oh, yeah, but I can see them with

0:58:40.000 --> 0:58:42.400
<v Speaker 5>their friends, well maybe their friends are low intensity and

0:58:42.800 --> 0:58:44.840
<v Speaker 5>they don't feel like they've got the spotlight on them

0:58:44.880 --> 0:58:46.920
<v Speaker 5>for example. So if you're in a relationship with someone

0:58:46.960 --> 0:58:49.240
<v Speaker 5>who has really different connection needs to you a don't

0:58:49.240 --> 0:58:52.040
<v Speaker 5>take it personally. Be be curious about it rather than

0:58:52.800 --> 0:58:56.680
<v Speaker 5>upset about it, and try to find ways to meet

0:58:56.720 --> 0:59:00.720
<v Speaker 5>in the middle. But also it's about thinking about how

0:59:00.720 --> 0:59:04.720
<v Speaker 5>can you meet your needs in other ways? So as

0:59:04.760 --> 0:59:07.240
<v Speaker 5>I said, before my husband's a shape shifter. I meet

0:59:07.320 --> 0:59:11.160
<v Speaker 5>my insane, high intensity needs through conversations like this, through

0:59:11.160 --> 0:59:14.040
<v Speaker 5>writing the book that I wrote, through my friendships, through

0:59:14.160 --> 0:59:17.280
<v Speaker 5>my relationships with my parents and my sisters and my brothers.

0:59:17.720 --> 0:59:19.720
<v Speaker 4>There are so many sources.

0:59:19.240 --> 0:59:22.920
<v Speaker 5>Of connection, and I almost feel like we're they're at

0:59:22.960 --> 0:59:26.160
<v Speaker 5>a door with a key that doesn't work without just

0:59:26.200 --> 0:59:29.080
<v Speaker 5>going to another door where that key absolutely works, and

0:59:29.280 --> 0:59:30.840
<v Speaker 5>why doesn't my key work in this door.

0:59:31.000 --> 0:59:32.880
<v Speaker 1>We often speak about how much pressure we put on

0:59:32.960 --> 0:59:35.960
<v Speaker 1>our partners to be literally everything in our life, and

0:59:36.000 --> 0:59:39.000
<v Speaker 1>that a big part of some conflict in a relationship

0:59:39.040 --> 0:59:40.800
<v Speaker 1>is because we do expect them to be too much.

0:59:41.160 --> 0:59:43.280
<v Speaker 1>But you just spoke about your husband at the start

0:59:43.320 --> 0:59:45.000
<v Speaker 1>of your book. You spoke about your husband and your

0:59:45.040 --> 0:59:48.360
<v Speaker 1>first date. I mean you talk about the fact that

0:59:48.560 --> 0:59:50.960
<v Speaker 1>maybe you might clash at the beginning or have some

0:59:51.200 --> 0:59:54.360
<v Speaker 1>you know, you think your connections not there, and then

0:59:54.400 --> 0:59:56.320
<v Speaker 1>it can come later in time. How often do you

0:59:56.360 --> 0:59:58.640
<v Speaker 1>think that is and how important do you think that is?

0:59:59.200 --> 1:00:02.360
<v Speaker 1>To go off that first initial feeling, can things change.

1:00:02.360 --> 1:00:05.000
<v Speaker 5>So what's really interesting about first impressions research is that

1:00:05.040 --> 1:00:09.160
<v Speaker 5>we're generally correct in our intuitive response to someone, but

1:00:09.840 --> 1:00:13.720
<v Speaker 5>the explanations and stories we give are generally incorrect.

1:00:13.840 --> 1:00:14.360
<v Speaker 2>What do you mean?

1:00:14.480 --> 1:00:16.560
<v Speaker 5>Okay, so you know, when you meet someone, we might

1:00:16.680 --> 1:00:19.520
<v Speaker 5>have what we think of as being a negative reaction,

1:00:19.640 --> 1:00:22.400
<v Speaker 5>or like that person aggravated me, or that reaction is

1:00:22.440 --> 1:00:24.560
<v Speaker 5>true with a first impression, you know how you might

1:00:24.640 --> 1:00:27.120
<v Speaker 5>think to yourself, Oh, that person's funny, or that person

1:00:27.200 --> 1:00:30.840
<v Speaker 5>gives me an uncomfortable feeling. The story we might then

1:00:31.080 --> 1:00:33.680
<v Speaker 5>tell after that isn't necessarily right.

1:00:33.640 --> 1:00:35.440
<v Speaker 2>Because we're filling in the blanks and that's what our

1:00:35.440 --> 1:00:36.920
<v Speaker 2>brain does when we don't have all the pieces of

1:00:37.000 --> 1:00:39.520
<v Speaker 2>the puzzle. Yeah, we need to give ourselves a story,

1:00:39.560 --> 1:00:41.040
<v Speaker 2>we need to give ourselves a solution to it.

1:00:41.400 --> 1:00:44.400
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, So what I'd say is trust the feeling, but

1:00:44.520 --> 1:00:47.840
<v Speaker 5>don't initially or automatically make up a story about why

1:00:47.840 --> 1:00:49.280
<v Speaker 5>that is and then believe that story.

1:00:49.400 --> 1:00:50.920
<v Speaker 4>Just be curious about it.

1:00:50.920 --> 1:00:54.080
<v Speaker 5>Because sometimes we might say, for example, have a competitive

1:00:54.120 --> 1:00:57.360
<v Speaker 5>reaction with someone and ultimately they can become a friend,

1:00:58.000 --> 1:01:00.960
<v Speaker 5>but it's just because they just sparked something in your

1:01:01.040 --> 1:01:03.840
<v Speaker 5>stimulated in something, and you might not like that feeling initially,

1:01:04.120 --> 1:01:06.360
<v Speaker 5>but it's not necessarily going to have a bad ending.

1:01:06.440 --> 1:01:08.560
<v Speaker 1>Well, it's definitely something we get asked a lot. We've

1:01:08.560 --> 1:01:10.240
<v Speaker 1>been in the situation, but it's when you have a

1:01:10.280 --> 1:01:12.440
<v Speaker 1>first date with someone, or you meet someone for the

1:01:12.480 --> 1:01:15.880
<v Speaker 1>first one or two times and you say they seemed

1:01:15.920 --> 1:01:18.800
<v Speaker 1>amazing on paper, but I don't think the connection was there.

1:01:19.320 --> 1:01:21.440
<v Speaker 1>I'm a big believer that it can develop, and it

1:01:21.480 --> 1:01:23.440
<v Speaker 1>can develop in something amazing. I don't think it has

1:01:23.480 --> 1:01:26.720
<v Speaker 1>to be fireworks on the first date or the first meeting.

1:01:27.120 --> 1:01:29.800
<v Speaker 1>Would you tell someone that said I went on a

1:01:29.840 --> 1:01:32.600
<v Speaker 1>first date, I just didn't feel like it was overwhelmingly great,

1:01:32.600 --> 1:01:35.320
<v Speaker 1>didn't feel a fireworks. Would you tell them to push

1:01:35.320 --> 1:01:37.480
<v Speaker 1>on to a second and third date, Okay, it could develop,

1:01:37.560 --> 1:01:39.240
<v Speaker 1>or would you say, nap, chemistry is not there.

1:01:39.360 --> 1:01:42.200
<v Speaker 5>This is a hard one because I'm almost not going

1:01:42.240 --> 1:01:45.919
<v Speaker 5>to take my own advice. So with my husband, we

1:01:46.200 --> 1:01:48.200
<v Speaker 5>went on a date and it was like trying to

1:01:48.240 --> 1:01:52.760
<v Speaker 5>light a wet match. The conversation was except I was so.

1:01:52.640 --> 1:01:53.440
<v Speaker 4>Attracted to him.

1:01:54.120 --> 1:01:54.880
<v Speaker 1>You're like, let me just.

1:01:57.080 --> 1:01:59.600
<v Speaker 2>I do not care if you can't speak, because you'll

1:01:59.600 --> 1:02:00.400
<v Speaker 2>be good for other things.

1:02:00.400 --> 1:02:03.120
<v Speaker 4>But I had this really weird.

1:02:03.840 --> 1:02:07.080
<v Speaker 5>I wasn't even thinking it was sexual, but obviously what

1:02:07.160 --> 1:02:08.160
<v Speaker 5>I was essensual.

1:02:08.240 --> 1:02:09.720
<v Speaker 4>I was like, I want to be under his jump,

1:02:09.800 --> 1:02:10.080
<v Speaker 4>I would.

1:02:10.320 --> 1:02:15.720
<v Speaker 1>I was thinking to myself, what, literally, never had anyone

1:02:15.840 --> 1:02:17.479
<v Speaker 1>say that, you don't feel like if.

1:02:17.400 --> 1:02:19.120
<v Speaker 5>You saw a log if you're cold and you saw

1:02:19.160 --> 1:02:20.560
<v Speaker 5>a log fire over.

1:02:20.400 --> 1:02:22.320
<v Speaker 4>In a corner of the room, and you just wanted

1:02:22.320 --> 1:02:23.160
<v Speaker 4>to be near.

1:02:23.000 --> 1:02:24.840
<v Speaker 1>It, you wanted to just be as close as you're could.

1:02:25.400 --> 1:02:27.200
<v Speaker 4>But he was annoying me at the same time. So

1:02:27.440 --> 1:02:28.840
<v Speaker 4>like a moth, I'm playing.

1:02:29.760 --> 1:02:33.480
<v Speaker 5>Every relationship is fifty to fifty, every single relationship, So

1:02:33.800 --> 1:02:36.280
<v Speaker 5>in my fifty percent, I went into his first date

1:02:36.560 --> 1:02:39.200
<v Speaker 5>trying to be impressive, and I was trying to say

1:02:39.200 --> 1:02:41.360
<v Speaker 5>things that I thought he might be impressed by.

1:02:41.360 --> 1:02:44.040
<v Speaker 1>And funny, yes, yes, all of that crap.

1:02:44.120 --> 1:02:46.400
<v Speaker 5>And then at one point he ordered a tomato dish

1:02:46.440 --> 1:02:48.640
<v Speaker 5>at the very beginning, and he's a chef, but he

1:02:48.680 --> 1:02:49.360
<v Speaker 5>was being a gentleman.

1:02:49.400 --> 1:02:50.760
<v Speaker 4>He said, would you like to try someone?

1:02:50.800 --> 1:02:53.360
<v Speaker 5>And I said, no, thanks, I don't like roma tomatoes,

1:02:53.360 --> 1:02:54.800
<v Speaker 5>because I thought he would think, oh great, we're like

1:02:54.880 --> 1:02:57.760
<v Speaker 5>Kindred serious, because she knows roma tomatoes is a variety

1:02:57.840 --> 1:02:58.800
<v Speaker 5>of Tomatow.

1:02:58.440 --> 1:03:01.959
<v Speaker 4>Was trying to be sophistic nerd Burger and eventually then he.

1:03:01.840 --> 1:03:04.200
<v Speaker 5>Goes, you'll be okay then, because he's a cherry tomorrow,

1:03:05.120 --> 1:03:08.240
<v Speaker 5>and so I was like, humiliated. I was so embarrassed.

1:03:08.280 --> 1:03:11.080
<v Speaker 5>I was like twenty five anyway, So then I thought, well,

1:03:11.120 --> 1:03:13.800
<v Speaker 5>I didn't impress him by talking about food. I'm just

1:03:13.800 --> 1:03:15.920
<v Speaker 5>gonna go and talk about things I know about it.

1:03:15.920 --> 1:03:17.920
<v Speaker 5>I'm just talking about group dynamics and collective contry with

1:03:17.960 --> 1:03:21.240
<v Speaker 5>Sunday Night. And he just opened a restaurant. He was exhausted, right,

1:03:21.360 --> 1:03:25.200
<v Speaker 5>so read the room to me anyway. So at one

1:03:25.200 --> 1:03:27.360
<v Speaker 5>point I'm talking and he just does the unthinkable for

1:03:27.400 --> 1:03:29.520
<v Speaker 5>a first date and looks down at his watch for

1:03:29.560 --> 1:03:32.680
<v Speaker 5>about three seconds. And this was before Apple watches, so

1:03:32.720 --> 1:03:35.360
<v Speaker 5>he wasn't reading a message. It was an analogue watch.

1:03:35.360 --> 1:03:36.160
<v Speaker 4>He was just staring.

1:03:36.200 --> 1:03:38.040
<v Speaker 1>At the time, He's like, how much longer do I

1:03:38.040 --> 1:03:39.600
<v Speaker 1>have to endure this tomato talk?

1:03:39.720 --> 1:03:42.080
<v Speaker 5>Worse than tomato talk? I think he could connection talk

1:03:43.560 --> 1:03:44.560
<v Speaker 5>this podcast?

1:03:45.040 --> 1:03:45.720
<v Speaker 2>How long she.

1:03:45.760 --> 1:03:47.000
<v Speaker 4>Had have gone?

1:03:50.440 --> 1:03:51.160
<v Speaker 1>Thank you for coming?

1:03:51.320 --> 1:03:52.720
<v Speaker 4>So embarrassing, And so.

1:03:52.760 --> 1:03:56.880
<v Speaker 5>Then I said because I was humiliated twice tomato humiliation

1:03:56.960 --> 1:03:59.160
<v Speaker 5>and then looking at his watch humiliator. So I said,

1:03:59.880 --> 1:04:02.960
<v Speaker 5>is they're a problem? And then he said, look, I

1:04:03.000 --> 1:04:04.080
<v Speaker 5>really want to talk about it.

1:04:04.080 --> 1:04:05.640
<v Speaker 4>It's a lie. He didn't want to talk about it.

1:04:05.640 --> 1:04:07.600
<v Speaker 5>I really want to have this conversation with you, but

1:04:07.720 --> 1:04:10.480
<v Speaker 5>I'm really tired. Can we talk about something light and easy.

1:04:10.880 --> 1:04:13.280
<v Speaker 5>So it wasn't that there weren't sparks there. So you

1:04:13.320 --> 1:04:15.040
<v Speaker 5>asked a question about what would you say to someone,

1:04:15.520 --> 1:04:19.760
<v Speaker 5>I would say, tell me exactly what happened. Because if

1:04:19.760 --> 1:04:21.800
<v Speaker 5>you were annoyed at them and you were like they

1:04:21.800 --> 1:04:23.880
<v Speaker 5>were getting under your skin, but you still wanted to

1:04:23.880 --> 1:04:26.640
<v Speaker 5>be inside their jumper, I'd say go on a second

1:04:26.720 --> 1:04:29.520
<v Speaker 5>date after that. If it was just awkward but there

1:04:29.600 --> 1:04:32.320
<v Speaker 5>was a clear chemistry between you, pursue that.

1:04:32.640 --> 1:04:33.880
<v Speaker 4>But if you're sitting there.

1:04:33.680 --> 1:04:37.400
<v Speaker 5>Going, oh my gosh, this guy like I wanted to

1:04:37.440 --> 1:04:40.280
<v Speaker 5>impress him. Yeah, I wanted him to think I was great.

1:04:40.320 --> 1:04:42.560
<v Speaker 5>I was trying really hard. If I was with someone

1:04:42.600 --> 1:04:45.160
<v Speaker 5>and I didn't feel it and I was going, oh,

1:04:45.200 --> 1:04:47.560
<v Speaker 5>this is really awkward and I don't want to be

1:04:47.560 --> 1:04:49.920
<v Speaker 5>anywhere near his jumper, I wouldn't go on a second day.

1:04:50.080 --> 1:04:52.080
<v Speaker 5>But what I would say to people you need the

1:04:52.280 --> 1:04:55.000
<v Speaker 5>like er, like the grunt, like I want to be

1:04:55.040 --> 1:04:56.440
<v Speaker 5>around this person who doesn't.

1:04:56.280 --> 1:04:57.480
<v Speaker 1>Need to get onto that jumper.

1:04:57.640 --> 1:05:00.240
<v Speaker 4>Yes, I absolutely think you have to have that.

1:05:00.360 --> 1:05:01.880
<v Speaker 1>LL just takes it back to balance what you said

1:05:01.880 --> 1:05:02.920
<v Speaker 1>at the start, doesn't it.

1:05:02.960 --> 1:05:05.600
<v Speaker 5>But maybe that's a high intensity thing to say as well.

1:05:05.840 --> 1:05:08.320
<v Speaker 5>Maybe I'm just projecting all my stuff, Like maybe someone's

1:05:08.320 --> 1:05:09.600
<v Speaker 5>sitting there going I don't have.

1:05:09.560 --> 1:05:11.560
<v Speaker 4>That, but I love my partner one hundred percent.

1:05:11.600 --> 1:05:13.280
<v Speaker 2>I think that that is And I mean, I know

1:05:13.480 --> 1:05:15.240
<v Speaker 2>a lot of people who are in long term, very

1:05:15.240 --> 1:05:19.080
<v Speaker 2>happy relationships and that sex drive is very very low,

1:05:19.200 --> 1:05:22.320
<v Speaker 2>or that like want to be physically intimate is low.

1:05:22.680 --> 1:05:24.480
<v Speaker 2>And I think that that's something that we can do.

1:05:24.600 --> 1:05:26.560
<v Speaker 2>We can project like how we show up in our

1:05:26.600 --> 1:05:29.160
<v Speaker 2>relationships and think that that's what's normal and that everybody

1:05:29.200 --> 1:05:33.080
<v Speaker 2>else's relationship should be similar in order to be healthy.

1:05:33.360 --> 1:05:35.440
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, what I did want to talk about because you

1:05:35.560 --> 1:05:38.360
<v Speaker 5>raised it earlier and I realized I completely missed the

1:05:38.480 --> 1:05:39.960
<v Speaker 5>other side of what I was going to say. You're

1:05:39.960 --> 1:05:43.920
<v Speaker 5>talking about romantic relationships and opposites attract, and some people

1:05:44.000 --> 1:05:46.880
<v Speaker 5>go into relationships for a lot of different reasons. When

1:05:46.880 --> 1:05:49.880
<v Speaker 5>you have a healthy relationship, that's what I described before.

1:05:49.960 --> 1:05:52.560
<v Speaker 5>You know, the puzzle pieces and someone enhances you. What

1:05:52.640 --> 1:05:55.720
<v Speaker 5>about those ones where they become toxic? And I think

1:05:55.760 --> 1:05:57.880
<v Speaker 5>that's a lot of people's experience, And it was absolutely

1:05:57.880 --> 1:06:02.000
<v Speaker 5>my experience until I met my husband, And what's happening

1:06:02.080 --> 1:06:05.320
<v Speaker 5>there is that if your friends are a mirror of

1:06:05.680 --> 1:06:09.080
<v Speaker 5>your self discovery and you're unfolding and you can see

1:06:09.120 --> 1:06:13.440
<v Speaker 5>yourself in them, toxic relationships are almost a mirror, like

1:06:13.480 --> 1:06:15.280
<v Speaker 5>you know those mirrors that are a bit skewed, you

1:06:15.360 --> 1:06:15.680
<v Speaker 5>know when.

1:06:15.600 --> 1:06:16.880
<v Speaker 4>You go to a like the crazy.

1:06:19.600 --> 1:06:24.120
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, they're hard to focus on. So some relationships become

1:06:24.440 --> 1:06:27.800
<v Speaker 5>a mirror of our trauma. And so you see someone

1:06:27.840 --> 1:06:31.560
<v Speaker 5>and you're drawn to them initially because you think, oh,

1:06:31.640 --> 1:06:34.680
<v Speaker 5>I've got this thing that I want to work through

1:06:34.720 --> 1:06:38.160
<v Speaker 5>and heal, and you look like you could really expose

1:06:38.200 --> 1:06:38.640
<v Speaker 5>that for me.

1:06:39.000 --> 1:06:41.600
<v Speaker 2>Why do you think people and I ask this because

1:06:41.680 --> 1:06:43.960
<v Speaker 2>both of us have been in toxic relationships in the past,

1:06:44.520 --> 1:06:47.720
<v Speaker 2>why do you think people are attracted to that? Why

1:06:47.720 --> 1:06:49.520
<v Speaker 2>do you think we're attracted to things that we may

1:06:49.520 --> 1:06:52.080
<v Speaker 2>have experienced already and then we almost like repeat that

1:06:52.200 --> 1:06:55.080
<v Speaker 2>same patent behavior into toxic relationship.

1:06:54.680 --> 1:06:59.640
<v Speaker 5>Because trauma is almost frozen or imprinted in our experience,

1:06:59.680 --> 1:07:02.680
<v Speaker 5>in our psyche, and we're almost stuck at that age

1:07:02.680 --> 1:07:06.440
<v Speaker 5>where it happened, and unless we process a find a

1:07:06.440 --> 1:07:10.120
<v Speaker 5>way to process it, it's hard to move on from it.

1:07:10.120 --> 1:07:12.880
<v Speaker 5>It can almost feel like it's just stuck there. So

1:07:12.960 --> 1:07:16.640
<v Speaker 5>we get attracted to someone who can help us reexperience

1:07:16.760 --> 1:07:21.000
<v Speaker 5>the same type of trauma because that's almost a way

1:07:21.040 --> 1:07:24.480
<v Speaker 5>of unfreezing the original trauma.

1:07:25.000 --> 1:07:26.440
<v Speaker 4>So it's a healthy thing.

1:07:26.720 --> 1:07:28.600
<v Speaker 5>That's why I think we just need to see relationships

1:07:28.680 --> 1:07:33.320
<v Speaker 5>much more about our evolution and our self discovery rather

1:07:33.360 --> 1:07:35.720
<v Speaker 5>than do they like me? Do they love me? It's

1:07:35.840 --> 1:07:37.920
<v Speaker 5>your trying to process thing. It's almost like you go

1:07:38.040 --> 1:07:41.400
<v Speaker 5>into your heart, your psyche and think, what do I

1:07:41.480 --> 1:07:42.040
<v Speaker 5>want to heal.

1:07:42.640 --> 1:07:44.880
<v Speaker 2>It's so interesting you say that because I think I

1:07:44.920 --> 1:07:47.080
<v Speaker 2>look back on my personal relationships and I know like

1:07:47.160 --> 1:07:49.720
<v Speaker 2>I had the same It was over and over again,

1:07:49.760 --> 1:07:52.800
<v Speaker 2>the same type of relationship. But I don't think I

1:07:52.880 --> 1:07:55.680
<v Speaker 2>had the understanding, nor had I done the self work

1:07:55.760 --> 1:07:57.920
<v Speaker 2>to realize that that's what I was doing. And I

1:07:57.920 --> 1:08:00.760
<v Speaker 2>think that's the problem when people get into patent toxic

1:08:00.840 --> 1:08:04.280
<v Speaker 2>relationships unless you know that there's a reason why you're

1:08:04.360 --> 1:08:06.960
<v Speaker 2>choosing that person. You think you're being drawn to them

1:08:06.960 --> 1:08:09.720
<v Speaker 2>by chemistry, or they're your soulmate, or there's some sort

1:08:09.720 --> 1:08:13.120
<v Speaker 2>of undying thing that makes you keep on repeating that behavior.

1:08:13.600 --> 1:08:15.880
<v Speaker 2>And I guess Without the self awareness, you can't do

1:08:15.920 --> 1:08:16.360
<v Speaker 2>the healing.

1:08:16.760 --> 1:08:19.760
<v Speaker 5>Absolutely, and in the book, I talk about some questions

1:08:19.800 --> 1:08:22.599
<v Speaker 5>that we can ask to work out whether something is

1:08:22.760 --> 1:08:24.559
<v Speaker 5>a healthy or a toxic connection.

1:08:24.680 --> 1:08:25.759
<v Speaker 4>In that so we can.

1:08:25.640 --> 1:08:29.840
<v Speaker 5>Have intimate clicks and intimate clashes, and intimate clashes are

1:08:29.840 --> 1:08:33.719
<v Speaker 5>the ones that feel unsafe. You know, if you're driving

1:08:33.760 --> 1:08:37.719
<v Speaker 5>a car and the road starts feeling, oh, this doesn't

1:08:37.800 --> 1:08:38.599
<v Speaker 5>feel stable.

1:08:38.880 --> 1:08:41.840
<v Speaker 4>So we absolutely need to be aware.

1:08:41.520 --> 1:08:45.920
<v Speaker 5>Of how safe, how psychologically safe, we feel in a relationship.

1:08:46.080 --> 1:08:49.440
<v Speaker 5>And that's why I say to people who really encourage

1:08:49.960 --> 1:08:54.320
<v Speaker 5>to make some kind of a list, which sounds strange,

1:08:54.520 --> 1:08:56.760
<v Speaker 5>but how do you want to feel in a relationship?

1:08:57.200 --> 1:09:00.240
<v Speaker 5>Not necessarily who are you looking for? But how would

1:09:00.240 --> 1:09:02.960
<v Speaker 5>you like to feel in a dynamic with someone? And

1:09:03.000 --> 1:09:05.880
<v Speaker 5>so what's really interesting is that with my husband, if

1:09:05.920 --> 1:09:08.640
<v Speaker 5>I was to have written a list, how do I

1:09:08.640 --> 1:09:12.040
<v Speaker 5>want to feel, it's absolutely how I feel with him.

1:09:12.360 --> 1:09:16.200
<v Speaker 5>It feels open, it feels safe, he's kind, he's caring

1:09:16.680 --> 1:09:18.840
<v Speaker 5>all of those things that are more important, and he's

1:09:18.920 --> 1:09:22.000
<v Speaker 5>funny than when I was twenty five and.

1:09:21.840 --> 1:09:24.320
<v Speaker 1>I'm looking for someone who's this, this, this, But it's funny.

1:09:24.360 --> 1:09:26.000
<v Speaker 1>It does change because mine now I would have been

1:09:26.000 --> 1:09:28.080
<v Speaker 1>the same. I'm thirty five now and mine was different.

1:09:28.200 --> 1:09:31.439
<v Speaker 1>I wanted to feel safe and trust like I didn't

1:09:31.439 --> 1:09:33.519
<v Speaker 1>want the anxiety. I didn't want to wonder what they

1:09:33.560 --> 1:09:35.040
<v Speaker 1>were doing all the time, because I feel like that

1:09:35.200 --> 1:09:37.640
<v Speaker 1>was what my past relationships were, whereas my twenties was

1:09:38.360 --> 1:09:44.040
<v Speaker 1>all about like feeling that sexiness and sparks chemistry, almost

1:09:44.080 --> 1:09:46.080
<v Speaker 1>like a trauma, like Laura said, because you get used

1:09:46.080 --> 1:09:47.679
<v Speaker 1>to wanting to be on this high where you're fighting

1:09:47.720 --> 1:09:49.360
<v Speaker 1>all the time, and if you don't have that fighting,

1:09:49.400 --> 1:09:50.479
<v Speaker 1>then what do you have.

1:09:50.840 --> 1:09:53.200
<v Speaker 5>Like that's an addiction as well, an addiction to the

1:09:53.280 --> 1:09:57.080
<v Speaker 5>drama of a relationship because that emotional cycle is absolutely high.

1:09:57.200 --> 1:09:59.120
<v Speaker 5>So we can be drawn to people because it is

1:09:59.160 --> 1:10:02.080
<v Speaker 5>a little bit unsafe and you can feel like, uh oh,

1:10:02.160 --> 1:10:03.080
<v Speaker 5>here's the cycle.

1:10:02.760 --> 1:10:03.320
<v Speaker 4>Of our relationship.

1:10:03.320 --> 1:10:04.639
<v Speaker 1>Were going, Oh bah blah bah bah bah bah, oh.

1:10:04.760 --> 1:10:05.280
<v Speaker 4>We come down.

1:10:05.479 --> 1:10:07.880
<v Speaker 2>Alie, you speak a lot in the book about loneliness

1:10:08.080 --> 1:10:10.200
<v Speaker 2>and there being three types of loneliness and how this

1:10:10.439 --> 1:10:15.200
<v Speaker 2>connects into understanding connection. Can you give us a little

1:10:15.280 --> 1:10:17.920
<v Speaker 2>overview of what that is and why I guess it's

1:10:17.960 --> 1:10:22.360
<v Speaker 2>so important to understand connection, to be able to understand loneliness.

1:10:23.040 --> 1:10:23.479
<v Speaker 2>So I was.

1:10:23.520 --> 1:10:25.519
<v Speaker 5>Fascinated by this when I read the research because I

1:10:25.840 --> 1:10:29.720
<v Speaker 5>never knew that you could compartmentalize different experiences of loneliness

1:10:30.280 --> 1:10:32.040
<v Speaker 5>like a lot of other people. I just thought loneliness

1:10:32.120 --> 1:10:33.800
<v Speaker 5>was when you're on your own and you didn't want

1:10:33.800 --> 1:10:37.679
<v Speaker 5>to be. So loneliness is actually just a gap between

1:10:37.800 --> 1:10:39.920
<v Speaker 5>what you are experiencing and what you want to be

1:10:40.040 --> 1:10:43.200
<v Speaker 5>experiencing in that moment. So the three types of loneliness.

1:10:43.200 --> 1:10:46.679
<v Speaker 5>The first one is intimate partner loneliness, and that explains

1:10:46.720 --> 1:10:49.400
<v Speaker 5>why someone can love their life and have lots of

1:10:49.479 --> 1:10:54.720
<v Speaker 5>friends and family but still feel that loneliness for a companion.

1:10:55.080 --> 1:11:00.360
<v Speaker 5>That's intimate partner loneliness. And the second type is relational loneliness,

1:11:00.560 --> 1:11:02.160
<v Speaker 5>and that's what you might feel if you don't have

1:11:02.400 --> 1:11:05.080
<v Speaker 5>a trusted group of friends or you might not be

1:11:05.200 --> 1:11:09.000
<v Speaker 5>seeing them. I felt relational loneliness just because I don't

1:11:09.040 --> 1:11:11.280
<v Speaker 5>see my friends enough at different times in my life

1:11:11.360 --> 1:11:12.519
<v Speaker 5>because we're doing different things.

1:11:12.560 --> 1:11:13.840
<v Speaker 4>Some of us had young.

1:11:13.760 --> 1:11:15.640
<v Speaker 5>Children while other people were still at work and it

1:11:15.760 --> 1:11:19.040
<v Speaker 5>was hard to meet up. And then collective loneliness is

1:11:19.120 --> 1:11:21.480
<v Speaker 5>when you don't feel like you're part of a community

1:11:21.800 --> 1:11:25.800
<v Speaker 5>or a work team. Or something larger than yourself, and

1:11:25.960 --> 1:11:29.440
<v Speaker 5>so we have these three buckets if you like, of loneliness.

1:11:29.920 --> 1:11:30.920
<v Speaker 4>So I'll give you an example.

1:11:30.920 --> 1:11:33.360
<v Speaker 5>When I had my first baby, I was at home

1:11:33.439 --> 1:11:35.880
<v Speaker 5>with him a lot, as you are, and I felt

1:11:36.200 --> 1:11:38.280
<v Speaker 5>really lonely, and I didn't know what I was with

1:11:38.439 --> 1:11:41.320
<v Speaker 5>this child twenty four hours a day, and I had

1:11:41.400 --> 1:11:43.479
<v Speaker 5>my mom and I had my husband, and I had

1:11:43.560 --> 1:11:45.920
<v Speaker 5>some really good friends, and i'd see my neighbors and

1:11:46.000 --> 1:11:49.679
<v Speaker 5>i'd go to the park, but I totally lost collective belonging.

1:11:49.760 --> 1:11:52.240
<v Speaker 5>Collective belonging is just feeling like you're out there and

1:11:52.280 --> 1:11:55.000
<v Speaker 5>you're living your life. And I wasn't seeing lots of

1:11:55.040 --> 1:11:57.200
<v Speaker 5>the groups of friends that i'd seen before, so my

1:11:57.400 --> 1:12:00.920
<v Speaker 5>world really shrunk in that time. So I didn't realize

1:12:01.040 --> 1:12:03.320
<v Speaker 5>why I was so lonely. But now that I understand

1:12:03.360 --> 1:12:05.519
<v Speaker 5>the three types of loneliness, I know exactly why.

1:12:05.920 --> 1:12:07.840
<v Speaker 2>I feel like that's something that so many mothers would

1:12:08.080 --> 1:12:11.760
<v Speaker 2>understand and have felt. Also, I think being lonely isn't

1:12:11.840 --> 1:12:15.000
<v Speaker 2>just dependent on being around people, like you could be

1:12:15.040 --> 1:12:17.479
<v Speaker 2>surrounded by people and still feel incredibly lonely. You could

1:12:17.560 --> 1:12:19.600
<v Speaker 2>have friendship groups and feel lonely. And I love that

1:12:19.680 --> 1:12:22.200
<v Speaker 2>where you describe it as being like that gap between

1:12:22.240 --> 1:12:24.280
<v Speaker 2>where you are and where you want to be, because

1:12:24.280 --> 1:12:26.160
<v Speaker 2>I think so many people can identify.

1:12:25.760 --> 1:12:27.560
<v Speaker 1>With that, and I haven't heard it describes like that

1:12:27.640 --> 1:12:29.479
<v Speaker 1>before either, but it makes a lot of sense. You

1:12:29.520 --> 1:12:31.920
<v Speaker 1>could feel like you have so many amazing things in

1:12:31.960 --> 1:12:34.560
<v Speaker 1>your life, but if you have this goal of what

1:12:34.720 --> 1:12:36.439
<v Speaker 1>you want to be doing, or who you want to

1:12:36.479 --> 1:12:37.600
<v Speaker 1>be with, or how you want to be feeling, and

1:12:37.680 --> 1:12:39.800
<v Speaker 1>you're not quite there, then yeah, you can have this

1:12:39.920 --> 1:12:42.000
<v Speaker 1>feeling of I sort of feel like I am on

1:12:42.080 --> 1:12:45.400
<v Speaker 1>my own because I'm not living my truth or my dream.

1:12:45.840 --> 1:12:49.360
<v Speaker 1>It's a really interesting concept because I think everyone in

1:12:49.439 --> 1:12:52.120
<v Speaker 1>life experiences loneliness at a different time, but I think

1:12:52.120 --> 1:12:53.960
<v Speaker 1>a lot of people mistake it, and I think that's

1:12:53.960 --> 1:12:54.720
<v Speaker 1>a really important point.

1:12:54.760 --> 1:12:57.040
<v Speaker 5>You see absolutely and some of the most in the research,

1:12:57.320 --> 1:13:00.360
<v Speaker 5>it's documented some of the most profound experiences of loneliness

1:13:00.439 --> 1:13:04.920
<v Speaker 5>our intimate partner loneliness, where you're in a relationship with someone.

1:13:05.000 --> 1:13:06.719
<v Speaker 5>They might be sitting on the couch and you're thinking,

1:13:06.800 --> 1:13:10.519
<v Speaker 5>you're supposed to be this person, my soulmate, my other heart,

1:13:10.560 --> 1:13:12.960
<v Speaker 5>and you're not, and I don't feel a connection with you,

1:13:13.160 --> 1:13:16.560
<v Speaker 5>and that's a profound experience of loneliness. And equally, some

1:13:16.720 --> 1:13:19.519
<v Speaker 5>people love being on their own. So most of the

1:13:19.600 --> 1:13:21.720
<v Speaker 5>groups that I speak to say, put up your hand

1:13:21.720 --> 1:13:24.200
<v Speaker 5>if you love being on your own, pretty much three

1:13:24.280 --> 1:13:25.840
<v Speaker 5>quarters of the room will put up the hand.

1:13:26.600 --> 1:13:28.840
<v Speaker 2>So how do we deal with loneliness when we can't,

1:13:29.000 --> 1:13:32.720
<v Speaker 2>for example, in that situation where you might not or

1:13:32.840 --> 1:13:34.439
<v Speaker 2>even if it's someone who wants to be in a

1:13:34.479 --> 1:13:37.240
<v Speaker 2>relationship but they haven't found that person yet, how do

1:13:37.360 --> 1:13:40.479
<v Speaker 2>we deal or how can we cope with that type

1:13:40.520 --> 1:13:41.200
<v Speaker 2>of loneliness.

1:13:41.600 --> 1:13:43.360
<v Speaker 5>So the first thing I want to say to everyone is,

1:13:44.160 --> 1:13:47.360
<v Speaker 5>for the first time in history, human connection is not

1:13:47.479 --> 1:13:49.880
<v Speaker 5>handed to us on a platter. If you think about

1:13:49.960 --> 1:13:54.080
<v Speaker 5>how we have evolved through our civilization, we used to

1:13:54.160 --> 1:13:57.599
<v Speaker 5>live in tribes. We used to then live in villages

1:13:57.680 --> 1:14:00.439
<v Speaker 5>where you knew every other person in that or in

1:14:00.520 --> 1:14:03.600
<v Speaker 5>that village, you probably had a marriage arranged for you.

1:14:03.800 --> 1:14:06.240
<v Speaker 5>You probably had friends that were just there. They were

1:14:06.280 --> 1:14:07.960
<v Speaker 5>your friends because they were the ones who were there.

1:14:08.439 --> 1:14:09.880
<v Speaker 5>The first advice I want to give to people is

1:14:10.040 --> 1:14:13.680
<v Speaker 5>don't be ashamed, because there's so much shame wrapped up

1:14:13.680 --> 1:14:16.800
<v Speaker 5>in loneliness. It's a need, it's our greatest psychological need

1:14:16.880 --> 1:14:19.240
<v Speaker 5>to connect with other people. Now it's also a need

1:14:19.320 --> 1:14:21.600
<v Speaker 5>of ours to drink water. If you are thirsty, do

1:14:21.640 --> 1:14:23.800
<v Speaker 5>you think to yourself, it's because no one loves me,

1:14:23.880 --> 1:14:26.720
<v Speaker 5>It's because I'm not good enough. It's because I deserve this,

1:14:26.920 --> 1:14:29.599
<v Speaker 5>I deserve this thirst. We don't do that to ourselves.

1:14:29.640 --> 1:14:31.800
<v Speaker 5>We go and get a drink of water. But when

1:14:31.840 --> 1:14:34.360
<v Speaker 5>we're lonely, we get there and then we layer on

1:14:34.479 --> 1:14:35.000
<v Speaker 5>the shame.

1:14:35.240 --> 1:14:37.840
<v Speaker 4>Oh it's because I'm unlovable, it's because I'm never going

1:14:37.920 --> 1:14:41.720
<v Speaker 4>to meet anyone. I'm just to be really proactive about it.

1:14:42.360 --> 1:14:44.280
<v Speaker 5>Just like if you wanted to get a job, you know,

1:14:44.360 --> 1:14:45.960
<v Speaker 5>we all just accept we've got to go out and

1:14:46.080 --> 1:14:46.519
<v Speaker 5>work for it.

1:14:46.600 --> 1:14:47.599
<v Speaker 4>You got to work really hard.

1:14:47.760 --> 1:14:49.760
<v Speaker 5>Sometimes it's not going to be comfortable. That's how I

1:14:49.880 --> 1:14:52.120
<v Speaker 5>am with relationships and connection. So now that I know

1:14:52.240 --> 1:14:55.320
<v Speaker 5>the science, I think it's built my resilience around connection

1:14:55.520 --> 1:14:57.719
<v Speaker 5>because it's almost like you know, swimming in the ocean.

1:14:57.800 --> 1:14:59.240
<v Speaker 4>You know you're going to get dumped.

1:14:59.280 --> 1:15:01.719
<v Speaker 5>Like sometimes you get put yourself out there, but sometimes

1:15:01.800 --> 1:15:04.760
<v Speaker 5>it's going to be magic. And do you still want

1:15:04.800 --> 1:15:07.320
<v Speaker 5>to go for a swim? Absolutely yes. And so now

1:15:07.360 --> 1:15:11.320
<v Speaker 5>if I meet people, even new friends, and you think.

1:15:11.439 --> 1:15:13.720
<v Speaker 4>Ah, yeah, this is a really click. No it's not.

1:15:13.840 --> 1:15:16.240
<v Speaker 5>Okay, let's keep going, keep going, keep going next and

1:15:16.720 --> 1:15:19.439
<v Speaker 5>not in it like a tractor way, but just just

1:15:19.600 --> 1:15:22.880
<v Speaker 5>not taking anything personally, and it is so liberating. So

1:15:23.160 --> 1:15:25.960
<v Speaker 5>I just want to say to people, understand your connection type,

1:15:26.800 --> 1:15:28.920
<v Speaker 5>don't be ashamed if you ever feel lonely. See it

1:15:29.000 --> 1:15:32.040
<v Speaker 5>as a signal, a great helpful signal. Someone said to

1:15:32.080 --> 1:15:33.559
<v Speaker 5>me on the rate in an interview for the book.

1:15:33.560 --> 1:15:35.479
<v Speaker 5>They said, what do you say that to all the

1:15:35.520 --> 1:15:36.240
<v Speaker 5>people out there.

1:15:36.160 --> 1:15:37.200
<v Speaker 4>Though who feel lonely?

1:15:38.040 --> 1:15:42.000
<v Speaker 5>Great, Like, that's great to identify the feeling. Now you

1:15:42.200 --> 1:15:44.400
<v Speaker 5>know what you're feeling. What are you going to do

1:15:44.439 --> 1:15:47.559
<v Speaker 5>about it? Let's get really proactive about this rather than

1:15:48.040 --> 1:15:50.080
<v Speaker 5>and I'm not saying anyone's feeling sorry for themselves, but

1:15:50.120 --> 1:15:52.800
<v Speaker 5>I think our society tends to almost say, well, it's

1:15:52.840 --> 1:15:55.679
<v Speaker 5>your fault, you must have done something wrong at some point.

1:15:55.800 --> 1:15:55.840
<v Speaker 2>No.

1:15:56.439 --> 1:15:57.800
<v Speaker 4>No, the world we live in now.

1:15:57.800 --> 1:16:01.320
<v Speaker 5>Is set up for individualization, it's not set up for collective.

1:16:01.760 --> 1:16:05.679
<v Speaker 5>Most people haven't done much to be proactive about connection.

1:16:05.840 --> 1:16:08.400
<v Speaker 5>They just met someone here, or I was in high school,

1:16:08.439 --> 1:16:11.400
<v Speaker 5>I met someone at work. So we're typically quite lazy.

1:16:11.479 --> 1:16:13.560
<v Speaker 5>When it comes to human connection. I'm just saying, just

1:16:13.680 --> 1:16:15.840
<v Speaker 5>exercise that muscle a little bit more, just like your

1:16:15.880 --> 1:16:19.439
<v Speaker 5>financial security. The people who are happiest in their eighties,

1:16:20.160 --> 1:16:22.640
<v Speaker 5>every single one of them, and this comes from a

1:16:22.680 --> 1:16:25.400
<v Speaker 5>study from Harvard, the longest running study of adult developments,

1:16:25.479 --> 1:16:28.880
<v Speaker 5>running since nineteen thirty eight. Every single person who's thriving

1:16:28.920 --> 1:16:31.720
<v Speaker 5>in their eighties attributes that thriving to the quality of

1:16:31.840 --> 1:16:36.080
<v Speaker 5>their social relationships. So if we know that, then you

1:16:36.240 --> 1:16:38.920
<v Speaker 5>need to go after your social relationships with as much

1:16:39.040 --> 1:16:42.000
<v Speaker 5>vigor as you go after your financial security and your

1:16:42.120 --> 1:16:43.800
<v Speaker 5>career and all your.

1:16:43.760 --> 1:16:45.840
<v Speaker 4>Exercise goals, all of those things.

1:16:46.000 --> 1:16:47.439
<v Speaker 1>We've got a book of Dinner and Girls.

1:16:47.600 --> 1:16:50.360
<v Speaker 2>I love that because I think it is so easy,

1:16:50.479 --> 1:16:53.240
<v Speaker 2>especially as we go through different seasons of life, to

1:16:53.920 --> 1:16:57.080
<v Speaker 2>move away from our friendships or to abandon our friendships

1:16:57.120 --> 1:16:59.560
<v Speaker 2>because it's too hard to make time for them. And

1:17:00.080 --> 1:17:04.639
<v Speaker 2>because we do prioritize this individualization. We do prioritize financial gains,

1:17:04.720 --> 1:17:07.799
<v Speaker 2>we prioritize, you know, social gains, but in very different

1:17:07.840 --> 1:17:10.439
<v Speaker 2>ways now as well, but not in terms of having

1:17:10.479 --> 1:17:12.800
<v Speaker 2>those core friendship groups. And it's not until you don't

1:17:12.880 --> 1:17:15.679
<v Speaker 2>have them that you reflect back on ten years prior,

1:17:15.720 --> 1:17:17.280
<v Speaker 2>where you go, I had so many friends and now

1:17:17.360 --> 1:17:20.360
<v Speaker 2>I don't have anything. And we know that as time

1:17:20.520 --> 1:17:23.680
<v Speaker 2>goes on, we lose friends as we age, and I

1:17:23.760 --> 1:17:26.479
<v Speaker 2>guess like it's the proactiveness that keeps that around you.

1:17:27.160 --> 1:17:29.880
<v Speaker 5>And what's your metric for success in life? That's what

1:17:29.960 --> 1:17:32.600
<v Speaker 5>I want to ask people, because my metric used to

1:17:32.680 --> 1:17:37.440
<v Speaker 5>be achievement. My metric now is the quality of my relationships,

1:17:37.479 --> 1:17:39.880
<v Speaker 5>because the science tells me that that's what's going to

1:17:40.800 --> 1:17:44.479
<v Speaker 5>enhance every aspect of my life. So that's my priority now,

1:17:44.760 --> 1:17:47.439
<v Speaker 5>every single one of my relationships, my husband, my children.

1:17:47.800 --> 1:17:50.840
<v Speaker 5>Some people have relationship goals, you know, to spend this

1:17:50.960 --> 1:17:53.439
<v Speaker 5>much time and schedule in this one on one time

1:17:53.520 --> 1:17:56.720
<v Speaker 5>with this child, not just random family time.

1:17:56.920 --> 1:17:59.439
<v Speaker 4>So have goals for your relationships. Like this is all

1:17:59.479 --> 1:17:59.840
<v Speaker 4>really new.

1:18:00.000 --> 1:18:03.800
<v Speaker 5>It feels uncomfortable, But if you do structure your life

1:18:03.880 --> 1:18:07.280
<v Speaker 5>with your relationships as your priority, I can guarantee you

1:18:08.000 --> 1:18:09.080
<v Speaker 5>that you will be happier.

1:18:10.680 --> 1:18:12.400
<v Speaker 2>All right, guys, you know that we never finish our

1:18:12.439 --> 1:18:15.080
<v Speaker 2>episode without our suck and our sweet, our highlight and

1:18:15.120 --> 1:18:19.200
<v Speaker 2>our lowlight of each and every week, Miss Scotland, Miss Scotland,

1:18:19.280 --> 1:18:21.200
<v Speaker 2>what's your lowlight? My suck.

1:18:21.400 --> 1:18:23.880
<v Speaker 1>I got shamed. I got publicly shamed this week in

1:18:23.960 --> 1:18:27.160
<v Speaker 1>Scotland by a lot of Ben's friends, a lot of strangers,

1:18:27.240 --> 1:18:27.559
<v Speaker 1>a lot.

1:18:27.479 --> 1:18:30.280
<v Speaker 2>Of the public, publicly shamed. What did you get? Taken

1:18:30.320 --> 1:18:31.800
<v Speaker 2>out on the street and mocked?

1:18:31.880 --> 1:18:35.280
<v Speaker 1>Like what happened? I was publicly shamed because I put

1:18:35.520 --> 1:18:38.920
<v Speaker 1>sauce on my pie. That is not a done thing

1:18:39.040 --> 1:18:41.400
<v Speaker 1>here in Scotland. Apparently no one puts ketchup or sauce

1:18:41.479 --> 1:18:44.040
<v Speaker 1>on their pie. They think it's weird. They don't put

1:18:44.080 --> 1:18:46.920
<v Speaker 1>sauce on anything. And I was publicly shamed. That's my suck.

1:18:47.120 --> 1:18:50.599
<v Speaker 2>When you say publicly shamed, how public and how shamed?

1:18:50.800 --> 1:18:53.559
<v Speaker 1>Well like strangers in it was at the soccer match.

1:18:53.560 --> 1:18:55.360
<v Speaker 1>At the football match there are a pies there, which

1:18:55.400 --> 1:18:57.120
<v Speaker 1>is amazing. It's like the best part of the match

1:18:57.560 --> 1:19:00.200
<v Speaker 1>besides Ben. The best part of match is pies. So

1:19:00.320 --> 1:19:02.920
<v Speaker 1>I was putting the sauce on the pie and then

1:19:02.960 --> 1:19:04.720
<v Speaker 1>I was rubbing it in with my finger like a

1:19:04.720 --> 1:19:07.240
<v Speaker 1>little grub because you know how like Ossie's he squirt

1:19:07.320 --> 1:19:09.160
<v Speaker 1>you ketchup on your sauce on and then you rub

1:19:09.240 --> 1:19:10.679
<v Speaker 1>it in with your finger, right, It's.

1:19:10.560 --> 1:19:12.600
<v Speaker 2>Not just me, No, I'm disgusting with the pie. I

1:19:12.680 --> 1:19:14.599
<v Speaker 2>lift the lid off it and squirt the sauce inside

1:19:14.640 --> 1:19:16.599
<v Speaker 2>and then eat the filling and then eat the outside.

1:19:16.680 --> 1:19:18.000
<v Speaker 1>Well, that was a lot of the feedback. No, a

1:19:18.040 --> 1:19:20.400
<v Speaker 1>lot of the feedback was people were on my side

1:19:20.439 --> 1:19:22.080
<v Speaker 1>because I put a pole. I ended up putting a

1:19:22.120 --> 1:19:24.680
<v Speaker 1>pole up, so no looks of strangers right were saying, like,

1:19:24.720 --> 1:19:26.680
<v Speaker 1>what are you doing? Why are you putting ketchup on

1:19:26.720 --> 1:19:28.479
<v Speaker 1>It was a bit of a funny thing, and then

1:19:28.479 --> 1:19:31.599
<v Speaker 1>we got into this heated discussion. Anyway, the Scottish media

1:19:31.760 --> 1:19:33.760
<v Speaker 1>over here wrote an article on it. They wrote an

1:19:33.880 --> 1:19:36.479
<v Speaker 1>article on the fact that I put sauce on my pies,

1:19:36.720 --> 1:19:39.719
<v Speaker 1>So I was publicly shamed. Anyway, just in case anyone

1:19:39.760 --> 1:19:41.479
<v Speaker 1>wants to know, I did do a pole on sauce

1:19:41.520 --> 1:19:43.720
<v Speaker 1>and pies. Ninety seven percent of people said they put

1:19:43.720 --> 1:19:45.400
<v Speaker 1>the sauce on their pie, so I'm not a weirdo.

1:19:45.560 --> 1:19:47.719
<v Speaker 1>I'm not on my own. And then a big percentage

1:19:47.760 --> 1:19:49.840
<v Speaker 1>of that actually said Laura that they take the lid

1:19:49.880 --> 1:19:51.360
<v Speaker 1>off and then they put the sauce on like you,

1:19:51.479 --> 1:19:52.960
<v Speaker 1>and then they put the lid back on. But I'm

1:19:53.040 --> 1:19:54.559
<v Speaker 1>just a like it just goes straight on.

1:19:54.600 --> 1:19:56.040
<v Speaker 2>The top for me, I don't put the lid back on.

1:19:56.479 --> 1:19:59.000
<v Speaker 2>I eat the lid, then I eat the contents, then

1:19:59.040 --> 1:20:01.080
<v Speaker 2>I eat the base. I eat it like a three

1:20:01.200 --> 1:20:01.679
<v Speaker 2>course meal.

1:20:01.880 --> 1:20:04.320
<v Speaker 1>But you do that with your pizza too, everything You

1:20:04.560 --> 1:20:06.000
<v Speaker 1>deconstruct everything.

1:20:06.240 --> 1:20:09.840
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's weird, isn't it. I don't know why into that,

1:20:10.040 --> 1:20:12.080
<v Speaker 2>Tim Tims. I eat the chocolate off the outside, then

1:20:12.120 --> 1:20:13.720
<v Speaker 2>I eat one top piece and then I eat one

1:20:13.760 --> 1:20:16.599
<v Speaker 2>bottom piece. I eat everything in like layers.

1:20:16.800 --> 1:20:18.479
<v Speaker 1>You think you try to make it last longer.

1:20:19.280 --> 1:20:22.920
<v Speaker 2>No, I think I'm just a bit special and that's okay.

1:20:23.640 --> 1:20:26.679
<v Speaker 1>Well, my sweet was. I went to like a little

1:20:26.760 --> 1:20:29.280
<v Speaker 1>lodge in the Scottish on a lake and we had

1:20:29.560 --> 1:20:31.639
<v Speaker 1>like a little spa day. We had an infinity pool.

1:20:31.720 --> 1:20:33.800
<v Speaker 1>It's still cold here, but you know, when you get

1:20:33.840 --> 1:20:36.280
<v Speaker 1>to go into a warm outdoor pool but it's cold,

1:20:36.360 --> 1:20:38.120
<v Speaker 1>it's really nice. So I just had a really nice

1:20:38.200 --> 1:20:40.920
<v Speaker 1>night away with Ben. We don't get much time together,

1:20:41.040 --> 1:20:43.040
<v Speaker 1>to be honest, because he has to work every single day.

1:20:43.120 --> 1:20:44.479
<v Speaker 1>So when he gets a day off, we try and

1:20:44.640 --> 1:20:46.960
<v Speaker 1>like jam pack every single thing he could possibly do

1:20:47.040 --> 1:20:48.920
<v Speaker 1>into twenty four hours. So that was my seat.

1:20:49.080 --> 1:20:51.040
<v Speaker 2>Can I just ask, when are you coming back from

1:20:51.120 --> 1:20:53.599
<v Speaker 2>doing bougie bitch things over in Scotland. What day are

1:20:53.600 --> 1:20:53.920
<v Speaker 2>you home?

1:20:54.120 --> 1:20:55.920
<v Speaker 1>Well, to be honest, it's not that bougie. I'm on

1:20:56.000 --> 1:20:57.439
<v Speaker 1>my own for like six days. Then he gets a

1:20:57.520 --> 1:20:58.880
<v Speaker 1>day off and we do one thing on one day,

1:20:58.920 --> 1:21:01.080
<v Speaker 1>so it'd probably look it's a lot more bushy than

1:21:01.120 --> 1:21:03.360
<v Speaker 1>it is. Trust me, it's not. I'm back next week.

1:21:04.280 --> 1:21:05.760
<v Speaker 2>What day we can talk about this after?

1:21:06.040 --> 1:21:07.360
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I feel like we can talk it off.

1:21:07.400 --> 1:21:10.719
<v Speaker 2>I think I'm back on Saturday. All right. My suck

1:21:10.800 --> 1:21:12.519
<v Speaker 2>for the week is doing colon prep.

1:21:12.640 --> 1:21:13.559
<v Speaker 1>Oh yeah, that's pretreciate.

1:21:13.560 --> 1:21:18.080
<v Speaker 2>It's not exciting. It's literal shit, literal literally shit. So

1:21:18.160 --> 1:21:20.639
<v Speaker 2>that's my stuck for the week. Colon prep. Also, actually

1:21:20.680 --> 1:21:24.920
<v Speaker 2>I have two sucks. So Mally did this beautiful dance

1:21:25.040 --> 1:21:28.400
<v Speaker 2>routine yesterday. It was gorgeous. She's really into performing now.

1:21:28.840 --> 1:21:32.280
<v Speaker 2>And then she leapt off the concrete wall and she

1:21:32.600 --> 1:21:36.400
<v Speaker 2>leapt straight into another wall with her nose, so she

1:21:36.560 --> 1:21:38.719
<v Speaker 2>has two black eyes. And I thought she had broken

1:21:38.760 --> 1:21:41.839
<v Speaker 2>her nose, but she didn't, but she literally stopped herself

1:21:41.880 --> 1:21:44.680
<v Speaker 2>with her face. So that was my afternoon yesterday. So

1:21:44.840 --> 1:21:48.200
<v Speaker 2>she all right, genuinely thought she'd broken her nose. She's fine,

1:21:48.280 --> 1:21:49.920
<v Speaker 2>but I was like, oh, we're going to hospital now

1:21:50.040 --> 1:21:53.360
<v Speaker 2>for a resilient little thing. Noses fixed themselves, what are

1:21:53.360 --> 1:21:55.200
<v Speaker 2>they gonna do? But now the poor thing. She was

1:21:55.280 --> 1:21:56.800
<v Speaker 2>so beside herself for the rest of the day. So

1:21:57.040 --> 1:22:01.280
<v Speaker 2>Easter was very emotional. And what she's sweet, My sweet

1:22:01.360 --> 1:22:04.400
<v Speaker 2>for the week is that we got in it. You

1:22:04.439 --> 1:22:07.280
<v Speaker 2>know how we do the Mama necklace for Mother's Day? Yes,

1:22:07.360 --> 1:22:09.320
<v Speaker 2>I do. Yes, you don't know, and you don't care

1:22:09.360 --> 1:22:11.479
<v Speaker 2>because I mean, you can get one for Delilah. You

1:22:11.560 --> 1:22:14.719
<v Speaker 2>could get one for you and Delilah. A Mama necklace

1:22:14.960 --> 1:22:16.679
<v Speaker 2>for Delilah. I just think it's cute.

1:22:16.880 --> 1:22:17.920
<v Speaker 1>I think I'll wait.

1:22:18.600 --> 1:22:20.760
<v Speaker 2>We have one that has like a little thing transcribed

1:22:20.800 --> 1:22:22.439
<v Speaker 2>and it has my life began with you, and you

1:22:22.520 --> 1:22:24.160
<v Speaker 2>could have that for Delilah. Give it to her.

1:22:24.240 --> 1:22:25.719
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, that's so funny.

1:22:26.040 --> 1:22:29.040
<v Speaker 2>Okay, give me my Okay. So my sweet for the

1:22:29.080 --> 1:22:30.880
<v Speaker 2>week is like that. This is a collection. We do

1:22:30.960 --> 1:22:32.840
<v Speaker 2>this like Mother's Day collection. It's something that we've worked

1:22:32.880 --> 1:22:35.479
<v Speaker 2>one for ages for Tony May and it arrived last

1:22:35.520 --> 1:22:37.920
<v Speaker 2>week and I was very worried it was not going

1:22:38.000 --> 1:22:40.400
<v Speaker 2>to arrive in time for Mother's Day. So trust me,

1:22:40.520 --> 1:22:42.599
<v Speaker 2>that was it was a real moment of relief. Put

1:22:42.640 --> 1:22:43.000
<v Speaker 2>it that way.

1:22:43.200 --> 1:22:45.120
<v Speaker 1>Has that been selling like hotcakes?

1:22:45.240 --> 1:22:47.759
<v Speaker 2>No, it hasn't come out yet. It comes out on Thursday.

1:22:47.840 --> 1:22:52.960
<v Speaker 1>Oh okay, maybe brun swipe uppe.

1:22:51.680 --> 1:22:54.519
<v Speaker 2>Hashtag Tony Make get on board, Tony Way, Jewelry, get

1:22:54.520 --> 1:22:56.880
<v Speaker 2>a few mammas. I'm hoping to have an update and

1:22:56.960 --> 1:22:59.439
<v Speaker 2>you don't. Yeah, all the dogmums. I'm happy to have

1:22:59.479 --> 1:23:02.880
<v Speaker 2>an update next week too. I'm having my psychic reading

1:23:03.040 --> 1:23:05.559
<v Speaker 2>with my new best friend next door the psychic. I'm

1:23:05.600 --> 1:23:09.720
<v Speaker 2>having that tomorrow, so very nervous but excited. So I'm

1:23:09.720 --> 1:23:11.200
<v Speaker 2>gonna keep you guys posted. I've had a lot of

1:23:11.240 --> 1:23:14.280
<v Speaker 2>messages wanting for updates on Instagram, so here it is. Yeah,

1:23:14.400 --> 1:23:16.280
<v Speaker 2>but now I want to know. Can they come on

1:23:16.360 --> 1:23:17.559
<v Speaker 2>and give me a psychic reading too?

1:23:17.680 --> 1:23:18.320
<v Speaker 1>I can ask him.

1:23:18.439 --> 1:23:20.680
<v Speaker 2>No one cares, and none of the listeners care, but

1:23:20.760 --> 1:23:23.120
<v Speaker 2>I want to know for myself. Anyway, guys, that is

1:23:23.280 --> 1:23:25.439
<v Speaker 2>it from us. If you love the episode, jump onto

1:23:25.439 --> 1:23:29.920
<v Speaker 2>Apple Podcasts and leave a review, and also go join

1:23:29.960 --> 1:23:32.439
<v Speaker 2>the Facebook group do all the Things. Join the lifelun

1:23:32.479 --> 1:23:34.800
<v Speaker 2>Cut discussion group, which is Facebook. You can go and

1:23:34.880 --> 1:23:37.080
<v Speaker 2>join us on Instagram which is life on Cut Podcast.

1:23:37.400 --> 1:23:39.560
<v Speaker 2>We also have a TikTok that is also Life on

1:23:39.680 --> 1:23:42.000
<v Speaker 2>Cut podcast. Everything is Life on Cut. You'll be able

1:23:42.040 --> 1:23:43.080
<v Speaker 2>to find us. It's not that hard.

1:23:43.160 --> 1:23:45.000
<v Speaker 1>Don't forget toe you mum, tell you Dad, tell you dog.

1:23:45.080 --> 1:23:48.120
<v Speaker 1>Two friends and share the love, because well a love.

1:24:01.040 --> 1:24:09.840
<v Speaker 5>Babama Kababadabadaba kababa