Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 1: I'm Laura and I'm Brittany, and today he's ask gun
Speaker 1: cut Day, where we answer your deep.
Speaker 2: Done and bearing the questions.
Speaker 1: Also means it's Thursday, which means it's almost the weekend,
Speaker 1: which makes it a tea day, which makes it a
Speaker 1: Life Uncut day, A Tuesday and a Thursday. What other
Speaker 1: day could it be? Who knows? I have probably mercury retrograde.
Speaker 1: I haven't seen you in how many days? Four days?
Speaker 1: Four days? It's the longest we've ever gone. So we
Speaker 1: were having a breakup. I thought you ghasted me?
Speaker 3: Oh my god, speaking of this, So I learned a
Speaker 3: new dating phrase over the weekend, which I have held
Speaker 3: on to to tell you about.
Speaker 1: Can I try and guess it? Sure? But this might
Speaker 1: be a long, dame. What's in regards to so kind
Speaker 1: of behavior?
Speaker 3: I genuinely thought I knew every single like Monika for
Speaker 3: online dating.
Speaker 1: No, because so many made up every few months. I
Speaker 1: hear a new one and I'm like, what is that?
Speaker 1: But I thought, like, you know, we're doing what we
Speaker 1: do doing this podcast. I thought, you know, nothing was
Speaker 1: news to me. Any professionals in the industry, you would
Speaker 1: think we know.
Speaker 3: It all with all the experience. So I had never
Speaker 3: heard of this one before. It is the label that's
Speaker 3: given when a person that you're dating ghosts you, but
Speaker 3: then all of a sudden comes back like they've been
Speaker 3: resurrected from the dead.
Speaker 1: Oh they're haunting you. Well you I we thought that,
Speaker 1: but no, don't. I want to get it. I love
Speaker 1: guessing games. It's got a real nauty cool theme to it.
Speaker 1: Does that help you? Like Sailor because they emerge and
Speaker 1: then they disappeared? Submarine? Yeah, Oh no, that's so made up.
Speaker 1: Well it's not. No, it's cool on the internet. Haunting
Speaker 1: because they die and come back like a ghost, but
Speaker 1: they're sticking around, fucking gaspar. I actually don't know if
Speaker 1: it's called haunting, but I'm saying that haunting is way
Speaker 1: better than submarine. Have you been? Are you being haunted
Speaker 1: by anyone? At the moment? Brett, My whole life is
Speaker 1: like a horror movie. My love life is like the
Speaker 1: ultimate horror movie. Where did you read that? I was
Speaker 1: laying in bed this morning. It came up on some
Speaker 1: really unnecessary article that I decided to click into. There
Speaker 1: we go. We do read a lot of weird and
Speaker 1: unusual love articles. I follow a lot of people on
Speaker 1: Instagram that are in like the relationship industry, and I'm
Speaker 1: always hearing new things I didn't even know. Actually, I
Speaker 1: don't want to admit this, but not that long ago,
Speaker 1: I didn't even really know what bread crumbing was. I
Speaker 1: just thought it was what you did to your snitzel.
Speaker 3: And then you were like, ah, I recognized this behavior.
Speaker 3: Maybe we should do an episode just unpacking what all
Speaker 3: of the different terminologies are.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's a brilliant ie. It's probably the best undy
Speaker 1: you've had a week. That's probably the only.
Speaker 3: Anyway, guys, you know that this is our short, sharp
Speaker 3: and sexy episode.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 3: I was trying to think of another thing where you
Speaker 3: guys write in your questions to all of your life dilemmas.
Speaker 3: We pick out a couple and we answer them with
Speaker 3: all of our life experience.
Speaker 2: And we love it and we do.
Speaker 1: But this this episode is not sexy. These questions aren't
Speaker 1: very sexy.
Speaker 3: No, We've got a lot of relationship questions for you again.
Speaker 3: But also, guys, if you haven't joined up to the
Speaker 3: Facebook page, jump on life on cut podcast, a lot
Speaker 3: of people, if it's not something that's super private and
Speaker 3: super personal, a lot of people would just share their
Speaker 3: own questions in the group and then with the community,
Speaker 3: everyone jumps on board and answers them. If you do
Speaker 3: have something that's super personal that you want us to
Speaker 3: kind of mediate and put in there anonymously for you,
Speaker 3: we can also do that as well, So you just
Speaker 3: have to hit us up on Instagram and send it
Speaker 3: to us in a DM. But anyway, we are going
Speaker 3: to get straight into this.
Speaker 1: I've got a good one, should we.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna well, I was gonna say, like, there's been
Speaker 3: lot's happening in the.
Speaker 1: Bachelor the world. There's just so much. Well, we don't
Speaker 1: have to get into it. We talk about our stuff.
Speaker 1: The Batch world has gone nuts. Tim and Anna the
Speaker 1: original from the Bachelor franchise, there were the very beginning,
Speaker 1: there were the ogs and they've just had a little
Speaker 1: baby girl that they called Elle. So that's pretty exciting news.
Speaker 2: Love is not dead, guys.
Speaker 1: Also Lisa who was from my season and also Elise
Speaker 1: who was the runner up from my season. Both of
Speaker 1: them just got engaged the other day, which is really beautiful.
Speaker 1: I'm happy that everyone's happy. I want to know as
Speaker 1: well that ends well. I want to know what water
Speaker 1: bean drinking? And where do I find that? You were
Speaker 1: just on the wrong season.
Speaker 3: You need to wait one more year and then everyone
Speaker 3: starts procreating you're getting married?
Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely, I'll sit tight. Okay, anything else you want
Speaker 1: to touch on before we jump in? No? I feel
Speaker 1: good now I got that off my chest. You great.
Speaker 1: I'm an international student and I have been in Australia
Speaker 1: for four years. Currently, I've been with my boyfriend for
Speaker 1: two years. My student visa ends in six months, and
Speaker 1: the idea was always little partner visa together. However, after
Speaker 1: approaching a topic the other day, I found out he
Speaker 1: doesn't want to do a visa with me anymore, and
Speaker 1: he says we need more time as just a couple.
Speaker 1: What do I do? Am I wasting my time with
Speaker 1: someone who doesn't want to commit to me. I could
Speaker 1: study again, yes, but it will make me unhappy. I
Speaker 1: don't want to, but things I should just suck it up.
Speaker 1: The backstory, We've had a couple of massive fights a
Speaker 1: few months back, and I thought things were fine now,
Speaker 1: but he's still holding onto the arguments and he's brought
Speaker 1: it up during the visa chat. Also, I mean my thirties,
Speaker 1: so I'm ready for the commitment. Thanks in advance.
Speaker 3: So Britt and I actually had to like troubleshoot this
Speaker 3: one beforehand because both of us were like, oh good,
Speaker 3: this is a rare Peckel deck or I have a
Speaker 3: few feelings about a couple of different parts of this,
Speaker 3: Like my first question is I think if you're here
Speaker 3: and you're in Australia, the reason is the reason that
Speaker 3: you want to stay for the relationship or do you
Speaker 3: really want to stay in the country regardless, Like would
Speaker 3: you if everything broke up and you guys weren't together,
Speaker 3: would you find a way to stay here because this
Speaker 3: is where you want to live? And that's a really
Speaker 3: important question because then I think it doesn't really matter
Speaker 3: about the partner visa so much. You can make those
Speaker 3: decisions and you can make those actions for yourself. However,
Speaker 3: if the reason that you're here is because you're only
Speaker 3: here for the relationship, then this is a really really
Speaker 3: shitty situation and there's.
Speaker 1: A lot more to unpack there. I also have multiple
Speaker 1: feelings on multiple paragraphs of this discussion of this question.
Speaker 1: I don't like that. You guys have had a discussion
Speaker 1: that you know, once you finish your study you will
Speaker 1: go on to the partner visa so you can stay.
Speaker 1: And I don't like that he's backtracked on that, having
Speaker 1: said that, he's totally allowed to. His feelings have changed.
Speaker 1: Obviously something's happened. He's unsure. What upsets me a little
Speaker 1: bit is that there's not really any meeting halfway. It's
Speaker 1: pretty bad for him to say, just keep studying for
Speaker 1: another four years or something until I'm ready, Like, you
Speaker 1: don't want to study, You've done your degree, And I
Speaker 1: get that, and I understand that you don't want to
Speaker 1: continue down the studying path, and I don't think you
Speaker 1: should have to. If you just want to stay in
Speaker 1: the country, maybe you need to look at other options.
Speaker 1: And Laura and I did have a hot Google search.
Speaker 1: There are other options other than continuing to study, and
Speaker 1: other than getting a partner visa. So Laura, what are they?
Speaker 3: Yeah, so okay, we both won one hundred percent on this,
Speaker 3: and so we were like, okay, what other option. Surely
Speaker 3: there has to be another option after studying, and so
Speaker 3: there is also a post study work visa, which is
Speaker 3: a sub class four eight five. The Post Study Work
Speaker 3: Visa is normally a two year visa which has unrestricted
Speaker 3: work rights. It's available to applicants who have completed two
Speaker 3: years of full time study in Australia for the award
Speaker 3: of a certain qualification. And this goes on to say
Speaker 3: like maybe a bachelor degree or a higher For some
Speaker 3: people who have completed a trade qualification, they might be
Speaker 3: eligible for this as well.
Speaker 1: Now look, I know that that is not the plan
Speaker 1: and that's not where you thought this trajectory was going
Speaker 1: to go. But there's so many other parts of this
Speaker 1: question to unpack, like the fact that you said you
Speaker 1: had some massive fight six months ago, Like, we don't
Speaker 1: know what those fights are about. We have no idea
Speaker 1: what those fights are about. Maybe that was a bit
Speaker 1: of a trigger in a warning to him that he
Speaker 1: was like, there are some red flags here that I
Speaker 1: don't feel one hundred percent comfortable and confident in. So yeah,
Speaker 1: it's unfair for him to turn around and say, well,
Speaker 1: you just have to keep studying and suck it up. However,
Speaker 1: you can't make someone do something that they don't want
Speaker 1: to do. And if he's not ready to commit to you,
Speaker 1: if he's not ready to go on a spousal visa
Speaker 1: or a partner visa or whatever it is, you can't
Speaker 1: force him into that, and you should want to force
Speaker 1: him into that. Either.
Speaker 3: You need to take control of this situation for yourself,
Speaker 3: make decisions that are going to make you happy in
Speaker 3: the long run, and really figure out what it is
Speaker 3: that you want from this. And I think sit down
Speaker 3: and have a really honest conversation with your partner and
Speaker 3: ask him if he wants to be with you, Like,
Speaker 3: is this because you know he needs more time to
Speaker 3: decide on it, and in which case, put parameters around
Speaker 3: what that extra time might look like. And if it's
Speaker 3: because he's not sure about the relationship, or if you,
Speaker 3: for example, said I'm not going to study and that
Speaker 3: might mean I leave the country, what's his reaction going
Speaker 3: to be to that? You know, I think that there
Speaker 3: are lots of different avenues that you can have conversations
Speaker 3: around to really get to the bottom of what the
Speaker 3: problem is. Not just him saying, oh, you need to
Speaker 3: go on another study visa so that we can just
Speaker 3: stay in this limbo forever.
Speaker 1: The fact is too I totally get it. You're in
Speaker 1: your thirties, you're ready for something more, You're ready for
Speaker 1: something serious. You've done your study. My advice just before
Speaker 1: Laura would have said it was one hundred percent. I
Speaker 1: would say to him, I love you, I want to
Speaker 1: be with you. I absolutely do not want to study.
Speaker 1: It will make me miserable, which in turn is going
Speaker 1: to reflect on your relationship. If you're that happy in
Speaker 1: every other aspect of your life, you're going to take
Speaker 1: that home. You're going to resent him, You're going to
Speaker 1: hold onto a lot of anger. So it's not good
Speaker 1: say to him, I love you, I want to be
Speaker 1: with you, but I really really don't want to study.
Speaker 1: If you don't want to commit to me with this
Speaker 1: visa and means I go home, what do you want
Speaker 1: to do? Have the conversation and you're not trying to
Speaker 1: bend his arm and put him in a hard place,
Speaker 1: But it's worth just seeing what his reaction is and
Speaker 1: if he's willing to talk about it and meet you halfway,
Speaker 1: because if he's not, like that's a bit of a
Speaker 1: red flag too. Yeah, And also, like the reality is
Speaker 1: you are in your thirties, not that you don't just
Speaker 1: want to put your relationship life on hold, but you
Speaker 1: don't want to put your work life on hold either.
Speaker 1: You know, like you progressing your career, you progressing in
Speaker 1: your aspirations, you being able to get that dream job
Speaker 1: that you always wanted. You don't need to continue studying
Speaker 1: and continue racking up a student debt just because you
Speaker 1: want to stay for a relationship that ends up costing
Speaker 1: you a lot more than it costs him, and he
Speaker 1: really doesn't have to contribute anything for that to work out.
Speaker 1: So I think you have to make decisions that are
Speaker 1: for yourself. You have to put yourself first in this situation,
Speaker 1: not what he wants, not even necessarily the relationship, because
Speaker 1: he's not coming to the table at all. So I
Speaker 1: really think, like, figure out your reasons for wanting to stay,
Speaker 1: and then look at making the best decisions that are
Speaker 1: for you and not necessarily for him, which is going
Speaker 1: to be hard, especially when you're in love with him,
Speaker 1: because sometimes it can feel like, oh, I don't want
Speaker 1: to start again. But if he's not giving you the
Speaker 1: commitment and the reassurance that you need and that you
Speaker 1: want and what you expect at this point in your relationship,
Speaker 1: then there's some big, big fucking decisions to make well.
Speaker 1: Actually this is interesting too. So I have a friend
Speaker 1: and I was just only speaking to her in the
Speaker 1: last two weeks. She is Australian and her partner is
Speaker 1: from England and they've been together a long time. He
Speaker 1: is here on a partner visa. They're not married, but
Speaker 1: they're on the visa. They've have house together, and like
Speaker 1: it's very serious. She doesn't want to be with them anymore.
Speaker 1: They're realtionship's run its course. She still loves him, but
Speaker 1: she's like, I don't I don't want the relationship anymore.
Speaker 1: She's like, but I have this immense pressure and I
Speaker 1: feel like I can't leave because if I do, he
Speaker 1: has to go home because he's on the visa for
Speaker 1: the partner visa. And it's a whole nother ballgame when
Speaker 1: you leave a partner visa, you have to go and
Speaker 1: try and get a sponsorship or there's still ways you
Speaker 1: can stay. But it's not once you finish your relationship
Speaker 1: and you make you notify the government and that's it
Speaker 1: unless you can find another way to stay that they're like,
Speaker 1: your visa's ended. Easy to say, like, oh, well, he
Speaker 1: should just go on a relationship visa. He should just
Speaker 1: go on a spouse of visa if he's not sure
Speaker 1: about the relationship. If he is having doubts, one, he
Speaker 1: needs to be transparent about those doubts so that you're
Speaker 1: both across it and that nothing is, like, you know,
Speaker 1: a surprise to you. But if he has some doubts
Speaker 1: about the relationship, it would be unfair of him to
Speaker 1: commit to a spouse of visa only for in a
Speaker 1: few months or a year's time to turn around and say, actually,
Speaker 1: I knew this wasn't the right thing at all, and
Speaker 1: I'm going to pack up now and you have to
Speaker 1: leave the country, because that's going to make it a
Speaker 1: hell of a lot harder for you to take control
Speaker 1: of this situation, at least at the moment. You have
Speaker 1: other options. You can choose to study, you can choose
Speaker 1: to like apply for permanent residency at some point in time.
Speaker 1: There are other avenues that are available to you. But
Speaker 1: going on a spouse of visa and then having that
Speaker 1: withdrawn because you guys break up could make your life
Speaker 1: a hell of a lot more complicated in the long run. Well,
Speaker 1: I think it's better for you anyway. It's a it's
Speaker 1: not gonna put pressure on him to stay in a relationship,
Speaker 1: but b it's not gonna put pressure on you to
Speaker 1: stay in the relationship. Either you might change your mind
Speaker 1: and not want to be with him, and then you're like, shit,
Speaker 1: I'm stuck here in this relationship because I don't want
Speaker 1: to go home. If there is another way for you
Speaker 1: to stay in the country that's not jumping into this
Speaker 1: partner visa, which we've looked and there is, I would
Speaker 1: definitely one hundred percent go down that avenue, live your
Speaker 1: life for you, and whatever happens with your partner will happen.
Speaker 3: I love that we just came full circle on this
Speaker 3: because at the start I was kind of like, this
Speaker 3: guy's a dick, and then I'm like, do you know what,
Speaker 3: maybe it's a bit dickish, but like you.
Speaker 1: Just do you go. It's a bit dickish, but it's
Speaker 1: like a bit of an entitled dickish. So I don't
Speaker 1: think he's handled it the right way, but he's entitled
Speaker 1: to his feelings, his opinions. One hundred percent, we are
Speaker 1: fully in agreed, so we are agreeing that it is
Speaker 1: like it's not class A dick, it's class D dick.
Speaker 1: It's like semi acceptable dick, like a semi dick. Okay,
Speaker 1: we'll go sept he's a semi. It's just a semi Okay. Anyways, Okay,
Speaker 1: question number two, guys, I feel like we've covered that
Speaker 1: as well as we could possibly do it, especially for
Speaker 1: two people who have never tried to apply to live
Speaker 1: in another country.
Speaker 3: Sounds like a fucking headache. Okay, this one is a
Speaker 3: really really quick one, but I think it's a great
Speaker 3: I think it's such an important question. We've all we've
Speaker 3: all struggled with this at one point or another, or.
Speaker 2: Maybe just me.
Speaker 1: Here we go. So it's like, how soon is too
Speaker 1: so fart?
Speaker 3: Literally, it's pretty much that, except it's how soon is
Speaker 3: too soon to move on?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 2: So how soon is too soon to move.
Speaker 1: On after a breakup? Okay? This for me is super easy.
Speaker 1: There's literally no time frame, there's no ride or wrong.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm gonna agree with you.
Speaker 1: People. People are like when people start dating again. I
Speaker 1: used to be like this when I was younger. I
Speaker 1: used to see people move on really quickly. Sometimes I
Speaker 1: still do. When I myself, I have to check myself
Speaker 1: a little bit. Sometimes people move on and I catch
Speaker 1: myself being like, oh my god, she was only with
Speaker 1: him like three weeks a three weeks.
Speaker 3: Ago, okay, Like there is some timeframe. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 3: the next day is probably not good.
Speaker 1: Like if his house and go into someone else's house,
Speaker 1: No I could. I mean when I say like I say,
Speaker 1: there's no right or wrong as long as you can
Speaker 1: get yourself into a place where you're doing it for
Speaker 1: yourself and you're comfortable and you've moved on, not to
Speaker 1: fill a space, not to feel validated, not for any
Speaker 1: other reason other than you're ready. For some people, you
Speaker 1: might walk out of a relationship and in a week
Speaker 1: you're ready because unknowingly you had checked out of that
Speaker 1: relationship six months ago. So whilst to the wider community
Speaker 1: they look at you and think she was in love
Speaker 1: and married a month ago and now she's with someone else,
Speaker 1: when really, in your mind you've been broken up for
Speaker 1: six months.
Speaker 3: Yeah, one hundred percent, Like Britt, you just completely nailed it,
Speaker 3: I think for most in one like as I fucking did.
Speaker 1: I felt good about that answer.
Speaker 3: The most important thing when you come out of relationship
Speaker 3: and before you get into a new relationship is to
Speaker 3: really check in with yourself, do some damage. Control and
Speaker 3: make sure that you're okay and that you are recovered
Speaker 3: from that relationship. And like, you know, if you're still
Speaker 3: working through your shit, if you're still hurting and you're
Speaker 3: just using someone to fill a space because you don't
Speaker 3: want to feel lonely, or if you're just using someone
Speaker 3: because it makes you feel good about yourself, it makes
Speaker 3: you feel pretty again, it makes you feel wanted, then
Speaker 3: there are all the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
Speaker 3: But if you have genuinely come out of something, and like,
Speaker 3: who knows, it could be that you came out of
Speaker 3: a six month relationship that you're never really invested in
Speaker 3: the first place, but it could be that you come
Speaker 3: out of a marriage very different. They did both take
Speaker 3: such hugely different time spaces to get over. I do
Speaker 3: think that there are times where you know that when
Speaker 3: you're in a relationship, something clicks and you're like, this
Speaker 3: is not what I want in my life, and then
Speaker 3: crazy and optunistically, something else comes along and it just
Speaker 3: works and it's just easy and you don't have to
Speaker 3: think about it and you're like, ah, these are all
Speaker 3: the things that were missing in my past relationship, and
Speaker 3: that's what makes it work so well, and you know
Speaker 3: the time frame and timeline completely grows out the window.
Speaker 3: My other thought as well is like, Okay, you might
Speaker 3: need to think a little bit more about whether or
Speaker 3: not getting in a relationship straight away is a good idea,
Speaker 3: and maybe you do need to do some healing. You're
Speaker 3: welcome to fuck the pain away, That's what I think anyway, Like,
Speaker 3: you are absolutely entitled to be intimate with someone, to
Speaker 3: have casual sex, to have one night stands, so long
Speaker 3: as you're once again not doing it as a damage
Speaker 3: control or you're not doing it as a way of
Speaker 3: like feeling avoid If you're doing it because you're having fun,
Speaker 3: If you're doing it because you feel independent and liberated
Speaker 3: and you're enjoying yourself and you're getting something out of it,
Speaker 3: you are absolutely entitled to do that after breakup.
Speaker 2: I think that you know, for a lot of.
Speaker 1: People being intimate and meeting new people and going dating
Speaker 1: that that's a great way of actually just getting yourself
Speaker 1: back out there. But it doesn't work for everyone, and
Speaker 1: you really need to be aware of who you are
Speaker 1: as a person, how codependent you are as a person,
Speaker 1: and how independent you are, and figure that shit out
Speaker 1: for yourself, because every single person's tolerance is going to
Speaker 1: be different. But also even these hook cups and one
Speaker 1: night stands and everything, it's all well and good to
Speaker 1: say that, but if you're still not ready for it,
Speaker 1: it makes you feel like shit. It's a band aid.
Speaker 1: You go and think, you're like, you know what, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna go and get over it by getting under it.
Speaker 1: Love that with add and you're not ready. You'll have
Speaker 1: a great time while you're there, you'll go home and
Speaker 1: you will feel terrible. You'll feel like shit, You'll feel
Speaker 1: like you feel like you don't have self worth. And
Speaker 1: this is just because you're not there physically, mentally, spiritually, holistically,
Speaker 1: every part of you is just not ready for it.
Speaker 1: So you'll judge yourself for it, and you'll feel bad.
Speaker 1: I also want to touch on the fact that whilst
Speaker 1: some people can walk out of a relationship and walking
Speaker 1: to another one, Like we were speaking at the beginning
Speaker 1: of the episode about all these terms for relationships, there
Speaker 1: is a big one that we've spoken about a few times.
Speaker 1: Laura has done it her whole life before a bachelor.
Speaker 2: Monkey branching, light branching.
Speaker 1: You can't monkey branch monkey branching is literally when a
Speaker 1: lot of people don't end their relationship until there's another
Speaker 1: one lined up, which I think is terrible. It's unfair
Speaker 1: on everyone. And I have friends that do this. I
Speaker 1: know people that they've checked out of their relationships, sometimes
Speaker 1: for a year, but they won't end it until they
Speaker 1: know that the next person's there because they're so co dependent.
Speaker 1: They're not okay on their own, and they don't want
Speaker 1: to be on their own. They're scared. They need someone
Speaker 1: to love them. And this is disastrous. Like this type
Speaker 1: of behavior and dating behavior is never going to work out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's super toxic.
Speaker 3: And look in the defense of people who monkey branch
Speaker 3: and this is Laura, I'm gonna say this. Sometimes it's
Speaker 3: not a conscious thing. It's not that you like. And
Speaker 3: I never did it as a conscious thing in my
Speaker 3: past relationships. I wasn't sitting around in my relationship being like, well,
Speaker 3: this one's over, just got to wait for some other
Speaker 3: hot guy to come along, Like that was never ever
Speaker 3: my intention. But I was incredibly codependent in my relationships,
Speaker 3: and I struggled being alone, and I felt my worst
Speaker 3: when I was alone because I had to deal with
Speaker 3: my own junk, you know, that's when that stuff really
Speaker 3: comes to the surface for some people.
Speaker 2: And so it wasn't until I had.
Speaker 3: Met somebody else that I was like, Oh, this is
Speaker 3: what it's like to have feelings again. And it wasn't
Speaker 3: an until I broke that cycle that I looked back
Speaker 3: on my dating life and I was like, oh, that's
Speaker 3: what I was doing, Like, I recognize that now in retrospect,
Speaker 3: and I think that that's probably one of the biggest
Speaker 3: things is that sometimes when you're in it, and sometimes
Speaker 3: when you're doing it, you can't identify the behavior as
Speaker 3: being toxic or the behavior is being unhealthy for you.
Speaker 3: So you might say, oh, yeah, I'm totally fine with
Speaker 3: one night stands and going out and exactly what brit said,
Speaker 3: getting under it to get over it. But because you're
Speaker 3: so in it, you might not see how that's actually
Speaker 3: not great for you, and how it does make you
Speaker 3: feel like shit, and how it is damaging for you.
Speaker 3: So I really do think, like I said at the
Speaker 3: very beginning, is like, once you come out of a breakup,
Speaker 3: no matter what that breakup is, you really need to
Speaker 3: sit with yourself and genuinely figure out how you feel
Speaker 3: and really unpack why it didn't work, what you want
Speaker 3: differently next time, and how you're going to navigate this
Speaker 3: period of like redefining your identity and what you want
Speaker 3: for yourself because this is such an incredible place of growth.
Speaker 3: I think like some of the most amaz in growth
Speaker 3: that we do as people comes from being heartbroken, comes
Speaker 3: from when you know your life gets thrown into this
Speaker 3: turmoil and it's all restarting again and what you thought
Speaker 3: was the certainty is now no longer going to happen.
Speaker 3: You really get this period of rediscovery, So don't fucking
Speaker 3: waste it by jumping in bed with the next person
Speaker 3: who isn't a great guy who is exactly the same
Speaker 3: as your ex or like who has all the same characteristics,
Speaker 3: when you can choose better for yourself, that would be
Speaker 3: my biggest advice. So make sure you're not repeating the
Speaker 3: same mistakes and you're giving yourself time to actually heal
Speaker 3: from that. Being there lived it, I can tell the tales.
Speaker 3: So yeah, I mean, like, like we said, there is
Speaker 3: no definitive time frame as to what is acceptable to
Speaker 3: rebound from a relationship. However, if you're using the word rebound,
Speaker 3: that might be the problem.
Speaker 1: That might be where the issue is. I We've covered
Speaker 1: that one, all right, Okay, you question. I could talk
Speaker 1: for so long. I have a lot of feelings about that.
Speaker 1: Oh I know me too, because I'm the opposite.
Speaker 3: Britt is like a years and is acceptable time to
Speaker 3: be single before you get into your next relationship.
Speaker 1: Yah? Absolutely, Like when I think a monkey brands you know,
Speaker 1: I'm like going for from jungle to jungle, not from
Speaker 1: tree to tree.
Speaker 3: Lol, crossing this savannah right now, just waiting for the
Speaker 3: next tropical rainforest to come along for the next migration.
Speaker 1: It's just I can jump on one of those bests. Loll.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Please, I'd like to hear more about
Speaker 1: the beasts we jumping on, Brett. There have been none. Actually,
Speaker 1: I'm back. You know what I get someone gets too
Speaker 1: close to me, then I do a runner again. Next question, Good,
Speaker 1: go back and listen to the attachment styles. If you
Speaker 1: haven't listened to that, that's where we're Brittany really unpacked.
Speaker 1: Some junk from her bass sign is the detachment style.
Speaker 1: So how do you attach yourself to a lover? I
Speaker 1: don't I like to detach myself from reality. I just
Speaker 1: like to a.
Speaker 3: Gonna get you some cats, babe, love that for me? Okay,
Speaker 3: question number three. You guys know this is our short
Speaker 3: sharp episode where we will like.
Speaker 1: Bang on for a bit longer than moment. We're men too.
Speaker 1: This is actually the last question for today. I've been
Speaker 1: with my partner for almost five years. We had kids
Speaker 1: very quickly into our relationship. We have two under four.
Speaker 1: I have recently discovered in his emails emails from the
Speaker 1: dating site Plenty of Fish which are dating back to
Speaker 1: twenty eighteen.
Speaker 2: So they were obviously together then two years ago.
Speaker 1: They were together then Yeah, so twenty twenty two is
Speaker 1: twenty eighteen.
Speaker 2: I can do the maths people.
Speaker 1: I've managed to log into his account with my great
Speaker 1: detective skills and found that he had a profile in
Speaker 1: a regional suburb where he traveled for work with a
Speaker 1: different name et cetera, but no picture on there. I'm
Speaker 1: assuming he has deleted a picture. It had no messages
Speaker 1: in the inbox. I assume they have also been deleted recently.
Speaker 1: There has been some forgotten password emails as well for
Speaker 1: the account. I also found some emails from a site
Speaker 1: called Friends with Benefits as well. Yep, are you feeling
Speaker 1: as sick? As me, how do I approach this as
Speaker 1: I know he will make up some wax story and
Speaker 1: turn it back on me. If we didn't have the kids,
Speaker 1: I know it would be a no brainer, but it
Speaker 1: makes everything so much harder. I'm currently taking the not
Speaker 1: react straight away approach until I know how to approach it.
Speaker 1: But I know I can't sit on this for too
Speaker 1: long before I punch him in face. Thanks girls, help. WHOA.
Speaker 2: I feel a lot of things me too.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, let's start from the beginning. I started
Speaker 1: at the bottom new here. She's found. She's found that
Speaker 1: he's got plenty of fish dating sight. There's back from
Speaker 1: twenty eighteen which has nothing on it, but she's been
Speaker 1: getting recovery emails from it, which means he's trying to
Speaker 1: log into the account.
Speaker 3: I'm just going to jump I'm going to jump ahead.
Speaker 3: I'm not going to start at the beginning, ok I'm.
Speaker 1: Gonna start at nah.
Speaker 2: I'm going to like like start at the end, work backwards.
Speaker 3: I have a very skewed vision of this because I
Speaker 3: am the product of divorce.
Speaker 1: My mom has been married and divorced. My mom's been
Speaker 1: married three times, divorced twice. My Dad's been divorced three times.
Speaker 1: So I do not think that staying for your children
Speaker 1: is a good enough reason to stay in a relationship.
Speaker 1: I think if there is no trust and there is
Speaker 1: no love, then just saying oh, we're staying for the
Speaker 1: kids or kids make things more complicated, one hundred percent
Speaker 1: make things more complicated.
Speaker 2: It's absolutely like out of this world.
Speaker 1: Difficult when you have children, it doesn't make it impossible,
Speaker 1: And it is not a good enough reason to stay
Speaker 1: in a relationship where you do not have trust and
Speaker 1: you no longer love your partner. So I think the
Speaker 1: most important question that you need to figure out for
Speaker 1: yourself right now is can you forgive your partner for
Speaker 1: cheating if that's what's happened, and can you have an
Speaker 1: honest conversation with him about how you feel and what
Speaker 1: the two of you want moving forward. Because I do
Speaker 1: genuinely believe that you can overcome cheating. I do think
Speaker 1: that you can overcome infidelity in a relationship. You both
Speaker 1: have to absolutely want that, and there has to be
Speaker 1: a lot of conversation and a lot of transparency to
Speaker 1: get back to a place where it's healthy. And obviously
Speaker 1: there's no trust here at the moment, and there's a
Speaker 1: lot of lying and a lot of deception, and the
Speaker 1: fact that you know when you say so. I found
Speaker 1: this profile from twenty eighteen. It doesn't have a photo.
Speaker 1: I'm assuming he deleted it. It doesn't have any messages.
Speaker 1: I'm assuming he deleted it. The problem that happens when
Speaker 1: we assume things is we can make the situation so
Speaker 1: much worse in our heads than what it may have been.
Speaker 1: And I'm not downplaying what this guy's done, like he
Speaker 1: is one hundred percent in the wrong, and you have
Speaker 1: so many reasons to punch him in the face. I mean, don't,
Speaker 1: but you have so many reasons too. But by you
Speaker 1: assuming that he's done extra things on top of what
Speaker 1: you have physically seen, you're only going to make that
Speaker 1: situation worse for yourself, I think in the long run,
Speaker 1: because you can't argue with something that you don't have
Speaker 1: proof on, and you can't throw accusations around because he's
Speaker 1: obviously going to defend himself and say that's not what happened.
Speaker 3: But I really really think for anybody, if you find
Speaker 3: out that your partner has set up a dating profile
Speaker 3: while you're together with them, like that's cheating. Regardless of
Speaker 3: whether he acted on it or didn't act on it,
Speaker 3: that is cheating and you need to sit down and
Speaker 3: have a conversation around intent. Why did he feel like
Speaker 3: he needed to do that, Why has he kept it
Speaker 3: from you for so long? Why is he reaccessing it?
Speaker 3: And how are you going to move forward from this?
Speaker 1: What do you want? Do you want to stay in
Speaker 1: this relationship because the two of you want this? Or
Speaker 1: are you only there for the kids? And if you're
Speaker 1: only there for your kids, then that's your answer. Oh
Speaker 1: I had feelings? All right, Ah, that's my turn. I
Speaker 1: am going to start in the middle. Hold me back, Brittany,
Speaker 1: hold me back. I'm going to start in the middle.
Speaker 1: I mean, as a product of a very loving relationship,
Speaker 1: I can't comment on divorce. But I'm also a product
Speaker 1: of dating a narcissistic sociopath that cheated, so I can
Speaker 1: comment on that, all right, Yeah, I don't know. I
Speaker 1: just like, don't notice that I'm so angry right now, guys.
Speaker 1: I actually the last life, the last ask gun cut
Speaker 1: we did, I thought brit was going to stab someone,
Speaker 1: and this time she's looking just as riled up, like
Speaker 1: she has this little twitch in the side of her
Speaker 1: eye that you can't see, but it's it's there, just raging.
Speaker 1: The two things that I want to jump on first
Speaker 1: that really stuck out to me. One is, Firstly, I
Speaker 1: didn't even know there was a site called friends with Benefits.
Speaker 1: What the fuck? Not only has he got a normal
Speaker 1: dating site, but he's got another site that's purely for sex.
Speaker 1: So obviously the dating site people are going to be
Speaker 1: looking more for relationships, but he's also gone and logged
Speaker 1: onto a site that he's going to be purely like
Speaker 1: no attachment hook up. That's a huge, huge alarm. Whether
Speaker 1: he even went and hooked up with anyone or not.
Speaker 1: I mean, maybe you'll never know, because even if you
Speaker 1: do ask him, it sounds like he's not gonna be
Speaker 1: honest with you. But it's beside the point. No, that's
Speaker 1: what I'm missing my point with you. He's gone and
Speaker 1: done it. Secondly, the thing that I'm really really really
Speaker 1: struck a chord is where you said you don't know
Speaker 1: how to approach it because you know he's going to
Speaker 1: turn it back on you. You go and approach that
Speaker 1: he will turn it back on you, because that is
Speaker 1: that is a prime characteristic of someone that is on
Speaker 1: the defensive. Wait, the best defense is a good offense?
Speaker 1: Is that it?
Speaker 2: I don't know, the best offense is a good defense.
Speaker 1: But he's basically, if if somebody is attacking you, the
Speaker 1: best thing to do is turn it around on them.
Speaker 2: I mean, it's the worst.
Speaker 1: Thing to do, but it's the easiest way of reacting. Well,
Speaker 1: it's called deflection. He's not going to admit to it.
Speaker 1: You're going to confront him, and I can guarantee you
Speaker 1: he will turn around and say, what we do in
Speaker 1: my emails? Why are we looking at our emails? He'll
Speaker 1: make you feel bad for finding out the information that
Speaker 1: got him in trouble. Don't fold on that. You are
Speaker 1: completely entitled, and you know what, it's actually irrelevant how
Speaker 1: you came across it. That's the information there. It's not
Speaker 1: tip for tat. We're not saying that. But you one
Speaker 1: hundred percent are entitled to confront him. And you don't
Speaker 1: have to go in all out of a gate. You
Speaker 1: don't have to go in aggressive. You can literally sit
Speaker 1: there and it's actually more powerful to have a really
Speaker 1: really calm conversation where you call him out. He will
Speaker 1: go into panic mode when you're coming. You know when
Speaker 1: your parents are like when you've done something wrong and
Speaker 1: your parents go mad at you and they're yelling at you,
Speaker 1: and you're like, oh, sols, but you don't really care.
Speaker 1: But when they come in, come and they're like, I'm
Speaker 1: so disappointed, it's gut wrenching. You're like, oh my god.
Speaker 1: So I think you need to come and say to him,
Speaker 1: I want you to tell me the truth. That's what
Speaker 1: I would say. Don't even show him first, say have
Speaker 1: you been seen other people? Have you cheated on me?
Speaker 1: And he'll probably deny and say, look, I'm giving you
Speaker 1: the opportunity here to work through this as adults and
Speaker 1: be honest with me, because I know that you have,
Speaker 1: so tell me. Don't tell him what you've found. This
Speaker 1: is my advice. Don't say I've found this, there were
Speaker 1: no emails whatever, Say I know what's happened. I'm giving
Speaker 1: you the opportunity to tell me. That's what I would say,
Speaker 1: and then go from there. But you are one hundred
Speaker 1: percent entitled to go in and question him and not
Speaker 1: worrying about what he's going to say back to you.
Speaker 3: And I guess, like with what BRIT's saying here like
Speaker 3: in regards to saying you don't have to tell him
Speaker 3: what you've come across straight away, Like, I think that
Speaker 3: there is as a little bit of a dangerous territory
Speaker 3: in that you don't want to be playing games to
Speaker 3: try and trick him into telling you what he's done.
Speaker 3: Like I'm I'm kind.
Speaker 1: Of like that could backfire, that could become a problem
Speaker 1: in itself. That's what I did. It worked well because
Speaker 1: he ended up telling me more than I knew. That
Speaker 1: was the point, because he's like, well she knows everything.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and look, I mean one hundred percent, like it
Speaker 3: could work out very well for you.
Speaker 1: But I feel like.
Speaker 3: There is like a level there you're trying to trick
Speaker 3: them into getting that information out of them.
Speaker 2: Absolutely obviously, what's the fuck.
Speaker 1: Me?
Speaker 3: But I think that you can't like exactly what brit
Speaker 3: said and be like, you know, I know that that
Speaker 3: something has happened here, and I want to I want
Speaker 3: the information. But the reality is is that but by
Speaker 3: doing what he has done, it's a form of cheating.
Speaker 3: It's a form of infidelity. Infidelity comes in so many
Speaker 3: different shades and colors and scales of like, you know,
Speaker 3: this is really bad, This is not quite so bad.
Speaker 3: It comes in the full spectrum. So even the fact
Speaker 3: that he has these dating sites that is a form
Speaker 3: of cheating. There is so much that you need to
Speaker 3: talk about. There's so much that you need to figure out.
Speaker 3: The biggest thing that you need to figure out is
Speaker 3: can you trust your partner moving forward? Do you think
Speaker 3: that trust is something that you can rebuild? And if
Speaker 3: it's not, then this is not the relationship that you
Speaker 3: should stay in because it's going to get very toxic.
Speaker 3: It's going to be really destructive for your mental health,
Speaker 3: and you deserve so much better. You deserve so much
Speaker 3: better from someone that you've spent four years with and
Speaker 3: have two children with. Like, it's just not a way
Speaker 3: to live the rest of your life. And I really
Speaker 3: think that, you know, you can make sacrifices and say, oh, well,
Speaker 3: he's doing this and I have to stay because we
Speaker 3: have kids and it's a lot harder. But if you
Speaker 3: don't have trust at the end of the day, and
Speaker 3: if he's not able to be faithful, can't be transparent,
Speaker 3: won't go to couples counseling, won't work through these things
Speaker 3: with you, then he's not somebody who's going to change.
Speaker 3: The other thing I want to say as well, is
Speaker 3: if he does deflect and try and make this about
Speaker 3: you going through his emails, yes you shouldn't have gone
Speaker 3: through his emails, but it is the lesser of two
Speaker 3: crimes here, Like, let's just be very very clear what
Speaker 3: you did comes from a place of lack of trust,
Speaker 3: and that lack of trust is being brought about by
Speaker 3: his actions. So at the end of the day, if
Speaker 3: he tries to make that the point of the conversation,
Speaker 3: like brit said, you really have to hold your ground
Speaker 3: explain that that's not the conversation we're having right now.
Speaker 3: That there's a reason you felt the insecurity that you felt,
Speaker 3: there's a reason that you know you ended up doing
Speaker 3: the digging that you did.
Speaker 2: And yes, you need.
Speaker 3: To both work on the fact that there's no trust
Speaker 3: left in the relationship, but that's a byproduct of his actions.
Speaker 1: You one hundred percent need to have a think about
Speaker 1: why you went through his emails in the first place.
Speaker 1: Is it something he's doing and he's making you feel
Speaker 1: like this trust issues or are you just insecure and
Speaker 1: had trust issues anyway, Because that's I'm not saying what
Speaker 1: you did was right I'm not saying what you did
Speaker 1: was wrong. It is the lesser of two evils. But
Speaker 1: there's something that's not right. If you feel the need
Speaker 1: to be going through your partner's emails behind their back,
Speaker 1: something's not right in the relationship, like kind of his
Speaker 1: trust is the foundation of any single relationship. So obviously,
Speaker 1: whether he had done something yet or not, something wasn't
Speaker 1: sitting right with you for you to go and pry
Speaker 1: into his emails. And that's just something that you need
Speaker 1: to think about. Lots of people do that. Lots of
Speaker 1: people go and investigate because something doesn't feel right, but
Speaker 1: you just need to ask yourself why.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Look, I mean I've spoken about it on this
Speaker 3: podcast plenty of times. I think that when they's smoke,
Speaker 3: there's fire. A lot of the time that when they smoked,
Speaker 3: there's fire. I have definitely been in relationships that have
Speaker 3: inflamed my crazy beyond a normal scale, Like it was
Speaker 3: off the part I think about wide Now he's just
Speaker 3: saying that, just thinking about all the bush fires and
Speaker 3: how much crazy I haded me. Honestly, it inflamed my
Speaker 3: crazy so bad that I was someone who went through
Speaker 3: my ex partner's phone and I would check his messages,
Speaker 3: and I would wait for an opportunity for him to
Speaker 3: be out of the room so I could go through
Speaker 3: his phone. Like I got to that point in a
Speaker 3: relationship it's so unhealthy and I think there's no coming
Speaker 3: back from it once you are there, because the trust
Speaker 3: is just so far gone. But I would find things
Speaker 3: that were incriminating because I was always looking for them.
Speaker 3: Whereas now I'm in a relationship that never ever makes
Speaker 3: me feel insecure. I never ever feel like I need
Speaker 3: to go through Matt's phone. And I did get to
Speaker 3: a point where I thought, maybe this is me, Like
Speaker 3: maybe this problem is me, and maybe it's my personality
Speaker 3: type that I'm very untrusting and I want to go
Speaker 3: through someone's phone, Like maybe that's my issue that I
Speaker 3: need to work on. And now that I'm in a
Speaker 3: really healthy, normal, stable relationship, I'm like, yeah, sure, it
Speaker 3: was absolutely my issue, But it was my issue because
Speaker 3: of the behaviors that were happening, you know, it was
Speaker 3: the things that he was doing that was making me
Speaker 3: feel crazy. However, I was choosing to stay, So yeah,
Speaker 3: check yourself, figure out what you want for yourself. Figure
Speaker 3: out if it's salvageable and if at the end of
Speaker 3: the day you really want this relationship to work, and
Speaker 3: that's going to be your answer, that's it.
Speaker 1: Boomah, thanks for coming to our tent talk. Do you
Speaker 1: know what I think's funny? So we're always like this
Speaker 1: is a really quick, short, sharp episode. We always end
Speaker 1: up talking for like fifty forty sometimes they are sometimes
Speaker 1: we're in and out and it's like twenty minutes. But
Speaker 1: I mean, if we feel passionate about something, which is
Speaker 1: quite often, we end up getting on a bit of
Speaker 1: a role. It's just so hard because you get to
Speaker 1: a point I think with relationships and like, obviously things
Speaker 1: aren't going to be smooth sailing all the time. We
Speaker 1: all know that, like relationships have ebbs and flows, they
Speaker 1: have really difficult periods, and but I just think like
Speaker 1: we can waste so much time in relationships that are
Speaker 1: beneath us, where we're not being treated the way that
Speaker 1: we want to be treated, the way that we deserve
Speaker 1: to be treated because we're hoping that things will change,
Speaker 1: and we're hoping and we're almost like, oh, think about
Speaker 1: how great this relationship would be if they would just
Speaker 1: be the person that I want them to be, you
Speaker 1: have to be open and open your eyes up to
Speaker 1: the person that they are, not to the person or
Speaker 1: the potential that you think they have. So if that's
Speaker 1: what you're doing right now, then check yourself. So I
Speaker 1: think sometimes we put things in the too hard basket,
Speaker 1: don't we. We're like, oh my god, imagine I have
Speaker 1: a house, we have a holiday booked. It's in a
Speaker 1: too hard basket, Like I can't leave now. You know,
Speaker 1: people are really unhappy with themselves and they stay because
Speaker 1: of situations. Yeah, but then you end up putting your
Speaker 1: life on hold and you're just prolonging the inevitable. But
Speaker 1: I really think back on my past, and I think
Speaker 1: so many times I fell in love with people because
Speaker 1: of the potential I thought they had, not because of
Speaker 1: the person that they were. Yeah, what they could be. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I would hold and I would stay and stay
Speaker 1: for years because I was like, I.
Speaker 2: Know that there's something good in you, and I.
Speaker 3: Know that, like you know, we can get there eventually,
Speaker 3: but we were never actually quite there. And I look
Speaker 3: back on it and I'm like, don't waste your time
Speaker 3: fucking trying to make somebody a better person when you
Speaker 3: could just be with someone who's great and they make
Speaker 3: you happy and really happy, and everything is easy and
Speaker 3: life should look It's not always going to be easy.
Speaker 3: I'm not going to say that, but life shouldn't be
Speaker 3: that hard all the fucking time.
Speaker 1: That's my thoughts. Guys. That's it. We're tapping out for today.
Speaker 1: It's a son of horror. I'm slowly gonna turn her
Speaker 1: microphone volume down. She's gonna keep talking, but you she
Speaker 1: won't know she's not being recorded anyway. Guys, thanks for
Speaker 1: listening to another episode of Thanks for listening to Life
Speaker 1: un Cut, Ask Uncut Therapy Thursday edition. We've loved having you.
Speaker 1: We'll see you again on Tuesday for another big, meaty episode.
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