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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, the

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Speaker 1: podcast for the time Poor Parent who just wants Answers

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Speaker 1: Now where Luke and Susie a husband and wife radio

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Speaker 1: team and the parents of three young boys. And today

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Speaker 1: we're looking at a question from Heather who's wanting to

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Speaker 1: figure out how extroverts and introverts can live together well

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Speaker 1: in this isolation time. Doctor Justin, we need your help here.

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Speaker 1: I mean, Heather's written a question and said, how do

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Speaker 1: introverted parents end up with extroverted children? We know in

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Speaker 1: a lot of homes around Australia right now we suddenly

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Speaker 1: have people who are introverts and extroverts living together all

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Speaker 1: the time, or certainly a lot more than they might

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Speaker 1: have used to, with people working from home and kids

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Speaker 1: home a lot more at the moment. And so these

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Speaker 1: personality types can do really well together, but then there

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Speaker 1: can come times where it's just a bit too much

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Speaker 1: for the introvert or a little too little for the extrovert.

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Speaker 1: What are your suggestions on how to survive this time

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Speaker 1: with different personality types?

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Speaker 2: Well, first of all, I'm not convinced that what's really

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Speaker 2: being asked is how do introverted parents have extroverted kids,

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Speaker 2: or vice versa.

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Speaker 3: I think it's more how do we live together. I

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Speaker 3: like the way you've tweaked.

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Speaker 2: That question because I think that's really at the heart

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Speaker 2: of what's being asked. I think it's important that we

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Speaker 2: understand what an extrovert is and what an introvert is,

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Speaker 2: because there's a lot of confusion and misconceptions around this.

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Speaker 3: So the first thing that I would say is is this.

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Speaker 2: Researchers have discovered that introverts tend to be very active

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Speaker 2: in their own headspace. They tend to have a lot

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Speaker 2: going on inside their brain. Therefore, they find stuff happening

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Speaker 2: outside them to be a little bit troubling, a little

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Speaker 2: bit overwhelming.

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Speaker 3: That's why they like quiet. They like their own time

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Speaker 3: and place.

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Speaker 2: Whereas extroverts are like me and other people that we know.

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Speaker 3: SUSI.

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Speaker 1: I've met one or two along the way.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, they they tend to not have quite as

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Speaker 2: much going on inside their brain, and so they're constantly

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Speaker 2: looking externally for extra stimulations.

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Speaker 4: That's a fair Submarye.

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Speaker 2: So that's one theory about what's going on with introverts

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Speaker 2: and extroverts, and it probably applies quite a lot to

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Speaker 2: what we're dealing with. There's another one that's probably worth

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Speaker 2: mentioning just briefly as well, and that is that extroverts

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Speaker 2: are people who are energized by being around other people,

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Speaker 2: and introverts tend to be de energized by being around

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Speaker 2: other people. This kind of explains why somebody who's introverted

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Speaker 2: can still smile and laugh and be part of a

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Speaker 2: large group conversation. It's not like they're hiding in the

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Speaker 2: corner because they're an introvert saying get me out of

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Speaker 2: this crowd. Introverts can function very well socially. They've got

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Speaker 2: tremendous social skills.

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Speaker 3: Quite often.

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Speaker 2: In fact, sometimes extroverts have terrible social skills, but they

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Speaker 2: just love being around people. And so again, when you

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Speaker 2: look at what's going on with introverts and extroverts, you

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Speaker 2: can see these totally different ways of being. Now, the

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Speaker 2: context will have a little bit to do with how

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Speaker 2: introverted or extroverted a person is, but ultimately, what we've

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Speaker 2: got going on right now, as families are living together

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Speaker 2: more closely.

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Speaker 3: Than maybe that we're even designed too.

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Speaker 2: I mean, you know, families for the last however, many

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Speaker 2: millennia have woken up in the morning, second morning.

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Speaker 3: And then disappeared in different directions to go and.

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Speaker 2: Get on with whatever had to happen that day. And

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Speaker 2: now we're not disappearing, we're all staying in the same

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Speaker 2: few square meter even.

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Speaker 4: Take it back tribally, and there was like there were communities,

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Speaker 4: but you went out and hunted and gathered, and like

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Speaker 4: there's never been a time in history where we've been

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Speaker 4: so confined for such periods of time.

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Speaker 2: It does feel like it's a never before seen kind

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Speaker 2: of phenomenon. So getting along with each other is pretty tricky.

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Speaker 3: I think that's probably the best word for it.

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Speaker 4: So with that in mind, we've got a family where

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Speaker 4: it's mixed with introverts and extroverts. How do we actually

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Speaker 4: not throttle each other? How do we actually maybe even

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Speaker 4: respect and honor each other enough to be able to

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Speaker 4: thrive through this time?

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Speaker 2: I really like those words respect and honor, so insightful

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Speaker 2: and so important.

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Speaker 3: One thing that pops into mind for me that could.

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Speaker 2: Be helpful is just setting up boundaries, recognized limitations, and

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Speaker 2: doing your best to make sure that the introverts are

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Speaker 2: getting time away and the extroverts are learning how to

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Speaker 2: respect other people's space. So if I were an extra,

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Speaker 2: if I were an introvert parent, somebody who is de

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Speaker 2: energized by lots of time with other people, what I

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Speaker 2: might do is sit down in the morning and have

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Speaker 2: a chat with the family about what our priorities are

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Speaker 2: for the day, and we might identify, let's say, three

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Speaker 2: basic priorities. We're going to do some home learning for

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Speaker 2: an hour, We're going to do some physical activity for

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Speaker 2: an hour, and we going to have an hour working

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Speaker 2: on a project around the house.

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Speaker 3: You know, there's plenty of weeds that have come up lately.

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Speaker 2: For example, you know, we're painting all of the architraves

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Speaker 2: in the living room, whatever it might be, and so

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Speaker 2: and by the way, this is what I recommend families do,

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Speaker 2: regardless of the personality makeup that you're dealing with. What

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Speaker 2: we do, then, is we highlight you know, as an

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Speaker 2: introvert parent, I must say to my children, kids, you

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Speaker 2: know that I like things to be quiet and sometimes

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Speaker 2: I just like to have my own space, but we're

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Speaker 2: not getting very much of that.

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Speaker 3: And I know that you kids love having lots.

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Speaker 2: Of time with me and with each other and bouncing

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Speaker 2: off the walls because you've got so much energy and

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Speaker 2: you love being around people.

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Speaker 3: So we've got these three periods during the day.

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Speaker 2: They're going to take about an hour each, and some

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Speaker 2: of them are going to be really close where we're

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Speaker 2: going to be together, and others we're going to have

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Speaker 2: a little bit of separation and time. So you can

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Speaker 2: kind of set that expectation, create that boundary. You might

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Speaker 2: also say, well, what else are we going to do today, Well,

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Speaker 2: we're going to come together for lunch, but then we're

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Speaker 2: going to have some separation, some separate time where we're

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Speaker 2: doing our reading or and we essentially map out our

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Speaker 2: day without looking too much at the clock. I strongly,

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Speaker 2: strongly recommend that we don't sort of say, you know,

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Speaker 2: from nine to fifteen until ten forty five we're doing this,

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Speaker 2: and then from ten forty six to eleven o three

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Speaker 2: it's going to.

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Speaker 3: Be that's that's too much pressure.

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Speaker 2: But instead we just highlight these are the times we're

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Speaker 2: going to come together. These are the times we're going

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Speaker 2: to be in our own space. These the activities we

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Speaker 2: have that you can choose from when you're in your

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Speaker 2: own space, These are the activities we'll be doing together.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't take a lot of organization, I'd say five

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Speaker 2: or ten minutes in the morning to sort of map

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Speaker 2: out where you're going. And what that should do is

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Speaker 2: not just help you to manage the personality issues around

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Speaker 2: introverts and extroverts, but it will also help you to give

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Speaker 2: the children a sense of predictability, a sense of certainty

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Speaker 2: around what's going to happen today, how the day is

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Speaker 2: going to roll out.

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Speaker 3: They're not going to be on your case constantly.

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Speaker 2: Oh and one other thing that will help tremendously if

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Speaker 2: you can just put a sign on the fridge each

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Speaker 2: morning saying tonight dinner is.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yes, Because if you're.

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Speaker 2: An introvert parent and you can answer that one question

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Speaker 2: at seven o'clock in the morning, just point at the

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Speaker 2: fridge and they'll leave you alone. So long as they

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Speaker 2: know what dinner is as they're having breakfast, as long

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Speaker 2: as they know what dinner is when they're having lunch.

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Speaker 2: So long as they know what dinner is throughout the day,

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Speaker 2: everything's going to be okay.

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Speaker 3: You'll get through this.

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Speaker 4: If you don't know why that advice is relevant and

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Speaker 4: so hitting home to the point you probably don't have children,

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Speaker 4: certainly year old it's like the only thing he's interested

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Speaker 4: at any point.

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Speaker 1: Of any day, what's the next thing to eat?

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Speaker 4: Well, I think this is wonderful Susan as an introvert,

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Speaker 4: as someone who in that space is struggling, do you

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Speaker 4: feel like we've got some plans that we can implement.

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Speaker 3: I've had.

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Speaker 1: My brain's been ticking over as we've gone, actually, because.

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Speaker 4: I think the plan for me, justin what you just said,

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Speaker 4: the plan is not so much for our children in

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Speaker 4: this case, it's for Susie. It's for her to know

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Speaker 4: where can she get her next bit of time to herself.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'm glad that you pointed that out, Luke.

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Speaker 2: It's not just about the kids. It's about you, as

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Speaker 2: an extrovert, recognizing a wife who sort of says, you know,

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Speaker 2: every now and again, this is a little bit too much.

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Speaker 2: And during the day normally I get that downtime. I'm

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Speaker 2: not getting it now. And so as a husband, you've

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Speaker 2: got an opportunity to step in and say, kids, you know,

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Speaker 2: the mom doesn't get excited about being around people all

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Speaker 2: day like you, like you doing like I do.

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Speaker 3: So we're going to go and do that walk around

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Speaker 3: the block.

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Speaker 2: We're going to go for that buyed because as a family,

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Speaker 2: we're allowed to do that in spite of the government

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Speaker 2: regulation saying there's so many things we can't do.

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Speaker 3: We're going to go and give mom.

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Speaker 2: A little bit of time and a little bit of

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Speaker 2: space so that she can just recalibrate and re energize

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Speaker 2: and have that downtime.

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Speaker 3: What a wonderful gift you can do.

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Speaker 2: And if you're in a partnered relationship, being mindful of

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Speaker 2: that personality difference and looking for ways that you can

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Speaker 2: serve it will change your relationship for the better. If

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Speaker 2: you're on your own, that's a different kettle of fish,

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Speaker 2: and that's where those boundaries and that family meeting become

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Speaker 2: even more important.

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Speaker 1: So good Doctor Dustin Wilson, thank you, Thank you so

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Speaker 1: much for talking this through with us.

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Speaker 3: Really appreciate it. Yeah, always a pleasure.

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Speaker 4: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love for you to

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Speaker 4: get onto iTunes and leave a rating and review. You

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Speaker 4: can click on the stars and leave a.

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Speaker 1: Comment like Mela Fluid he did, who said wonderful parenting resource.

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Speaker 1: Dr Dustin Pilson's podcast, books, videos, online articles, et sech

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Speaker 1: for the list goes on are such wonderful resources for

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Speaker 1: parents who want to encourage positivity and happiness using the

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Speaker 1: latest evidence. He communicates ideas in a way that is

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Speaker 1: easy to understand and with a respect for how hard

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Speaker 1: parenting can be. Definitely a great place to start if

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Speaker 1: you're feeling a need to make some changes.

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Speaker 4: Oh that's a good review. If you like justin to

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Speaker 4: speak at your school or organization, just visit happy families

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Speaker 4: dot com dot au