Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
Speaker 1: welcome back to another episode of Life on Cut. I'm Laura.
Speaker 2: You sound like you forgot your name.
Speaker 1: I'm Britney. Well you're like, I'm Lo. No, I know
Speaker 1: who I am.
Speaker 3: I'm too confident in that. Yeah, after thirty nine years
Speaker 3: on this planet.
Speaker 2: Funnily enough, because I've spent the last eighteen months not
Speaker 2: knowing who I am. And I think that was evident
Speaker 2: with my consistent hair changes every two months.
Speaker 1: This is true.
Speaker 3: We've been talking about what theme we should do for
Speaker 3: your hens like that's got like a discussion recently, and
Speaker 3: I haven't thrown this idea out into the group chat yet,
Speaker 3: but I was going to say, why don't we just
Speaker 3: dress up as like different versions of Britney.
Speaker 2: That is a brilliant idea. I was about to say,
Speaker 2: we should put it out to the lifers to pick
Speaker 2: a theme in the discussion group.
Speaker 1: Everybody should be me.
Speaker 3: I was like, Brittany's been so many different versions of
Speaker 3: Brittany over the past sort of five years of me
Speaker 3: knowing you. There's been literally, there's been many different forms
Speaker 3: of mental breakdowns that have occurred.
Speaker 1: All of them have manifested in different hairstyles.
Speaker 2: And also don't come for us and say we shouldn't
Speaker 2: make light of mental breakdowns. We're not joking. I have
Speaker 2: actually had them.
Speaker 1: Like, so before anyone comes for us, we giggle about it.
Speaker 3: Peopel like you shouldn't joke about this. We're like, oh,
Speaker 3: I wasn't clinically.
Speaker 2: What version would you come as the one that didn't
Speaker 2: get out of bed? You could wrap a douner around
Speaker 2: you and just come in a blanket.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like hair I miss, I could come as the
Speaker 1: one ice cream tub.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the one where it's like late night Messina delivery
Speaker 3: and you're just yeah in bed, I know exactly. That
Speaker 3: version was the COVID version as well, was my favorite,
Speaker 3: where you couldn't get out of bed for two weeks.
Speaker 1: That was fun. Or when you went through that period.
Speaker 3: Where you cut your hair super short, right mate, all right,
Speaker 3: and then two weeks later got hair extensions down to
Speaker 3: your ass. It was real rapid change. It's like emotional
Speaker 3: whiplash one day.
Speaker 2: It's actually so funny.
Speaker 1: You had like an aggressive bob. I don't know if
Speaker 1: it was aggressive aggressive, it was blunt, blunt to the point.
Speaker 2: You're lucky I almost cut a fring into that bomb.
Speaker 2: But I once did that and someone told me I
Speaker 2: the like lego man, so I didn't go back there.
Speaker 2: Park One, Yes, I looked, That's why I was channeling.
Speaker 2: You could dress up as that. Probably Actually you could
Speaker 2: dress up as a swamp donkey, as you so fondly
Speaker 2: call me.
Speaker 1: You could come a Shrek theme. I could be.
Speaker 2: Loved Park one swamp donkey.
Speaker 1: They could be a Shrek what else?
Speaker 3: And I was just comeing a bikini with seventeen other
Speaker 3: bikinis hanging off my fingers.
Speaker 2: I don't think this is endearing anymore.
Speaker 4: I could just wear my own clothes because now we
Speaker 4: have morphed into the same person who owns the same things.
Speaker 4: And last week Britt brought this brand new pair of
Speaker 4: sunglasses and she was like, oh, I got this new
Speaker 4: pair of sunnies and she went to put them on
Speaker 4: her face and I was like, I bought these a
Speaker 4: year ago, Ben bought them for Mekis.
Speaker 2: She's like, I already owned those.
Speaker 1: I used to copy you.
Speaker 4: More, but I feel like now we're kind of evening.
Speaker 3: We are closed to even This is when you spend
Speaker 3: too much time with someone and you start you start
Speaker 3: to assimilate into like the way that they dress, or
Speaker 3: like replicate the things that they do, or they're mad.
Speaker 1: I love it. I think it's brilliant.
Speaker 2: There could be something in that, and not because I
Speaker 2: want you guys to dress with me, but because there
Speaker 2: have been so many versions of me that it could
Speaker 2: definitely be a thing.
Speaker 3: Well for you, it's like for you, like for me,
Speaker 3: there's been only two versions pregnant not pregnant.
Speaker 1: It's been identical.
Speaker 3: I don't change my hairstastes the same, my style of clothes,
Speaker 3: stay the same, everything is consistent.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm just a bigger version and a smaller version.
Speaker 2: I was about to make a really bad joke that
Speaker 2: you would find funny, but everyone else would think I'm
Speaker 2: a bully, So to go, Ready, say I could.
Speaker 1: Just wear a bald cap ah, you know that canceller.
Speaker 1: I'm going to go. That's why I can make the joke.
Speaker 1: I'm going to go with a canceled version of Britz.
Speaker 1: So that'll be fun to sign on. This is canceled,
Speaker 1: all right.
Speaker 3: Well, look, there is something that we have been talking
Speaker 3: about on every ask on cut for the last three weeks,
Speaker 3: and it's really taken over this podcast.
Speaker 1: I feel really bad. You're not bald. That was just
Speaker 1: it was funny in my hand. Oh, now you feel
Speaker 1: bad about it, don't you know?
Speaker 2: Because sometimes I make jokes when it's there's an opportunity,
Speaker 2: but then people think I'm serious, you're not bald, which
Speaker 2: is why I can make it. But that was funny,
Speaker 2: and I only said it because I have a bald
Speaker 2: cap at home.
Speaker 1: I think it's the opposite. I think you can make
Speaker 1: the joke because I am baled.
Speaker 2: Hang on a second, why I have a bald cap
Speaker 2: just for fun?
Speaker 1: I have one as well. I have a book. I
Speaker 1: have two bald caps at home.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: One time that night we had to create a skit
Speaker 3: pretending that we were Jason Statham, and so we have
Speaker 3: multiple balld caps at home. It is actually shocking how
Speaker 3: much weird stuff we have in two separate costume boxes,
Speaker 3: and not like sexy costume boxes.
Speaker 1: Matt. It's got like an arrange, like.
Speaker 3: A full assortment of wigs that he uses for all
Speaker 3: of the skits he does. And like women's clothes which
Speaker 3: were just my clothes that have somehow made it into
Speaker 3: the costume box because he wears them and.
Speaker 4: I think you're the only adults that I know with
Speaker 4: a costume box.
Speaker 2: Nah, I have a dress up, but I'm a dress
Speaker 2: up pomp. I just pulled a muscle because I laughed
Speaker 2: so hard at my own joke. I just pulled a
Speaker 2: rib muscle. Okay, all right, let's get back on track.
Speaker 3: The thing that we haveken about for the past three
Speaker 3: weeks is how did chickens get fertilized?
Speaker 1: How did the eggs of chickens get fertilized?
Speaker 3: If you didn't listen to last week's ask gun cart
Speaker 3: all the week before, basically once again, it was that
Speaker 3: I had a very late realization in life that I've
Speaker 3: came to the understanding that chicken eggs are fertilized because
Speaker 3: chickens actually get down and you know, do the deed,
Speaker 3: rather than just a big male chicken coming along and
Speaker 3: fertilizing the egg afterwards.
Speaker 1: Still shocking. I know, I know.
Speaker 3: We've received so many messages because the call out that
Speaker 3: we asked last week was what was the outrageous thing
Speaker 3: that you discovered far too late in life? Like the
Speaker 3: thing that you should know that you should have probably
Speaker 3: discovered when you were a child. You found out when
Speaker 3: you're in your twenties or your thirties, or maybe even today,
Speaker 3: and we have received some truly shocking ones and you
Speaker 3: should all be embarrassed by how dumb we all are.
Speaker 3: Twenty three, my girlfriend learned that tigers and lions are
Speaker 3: different species, not male and female.
Speaker 1: To be fair, there are animals called a liger. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so that.
Speaker 2: Has nothing to do with this and tigers and bears.
Speaker 2: Oh my, okay, that this little piggy went to market
Speaker 2: was actually getting slaughtered.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I actually didn't even think about that either.
Speaker 1: This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy went to market,
Speaker 1: and I just thought I.
Speaker 2: Was going to get like the groceries for the week.
Speaker 3: That's what most kids think. But no, that little piggy
Speaker 3: was getting chopped up.
Speaker 1: How is that a nursery rhyme?
Speaker 3: I'm surekar nursery rhymes are actually particularly dark, you know, ring,
Speaker 3: ring of rosies, like about the black plate or something.
Speaker 1: It's about is it getting sick? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Ring and ring a rosy, a part full of posies,
Speaker 3: a tissue with tissue, we all fall down, we're dead.
Speaker 1: It's about it's about getting like an.
Speaker 4: Awful thirty seven is the age that you learned that.
Speaker 2: That's the thing that we've grown up singing. We used
Speaker 2: to hold hands and go around in a circle. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and then people would fall down.
Speaker 1: Oh my god dead.
Speaker 2: Okay, this is a good one.
Speaker 3: This is upsetting because this is also Keisha's revelation that
Speaker 3: thunder is actually the sound of lightning.
Speaker 2: Keisha thought they were two separate No, she actually said,
Speaker 2: I thought they were too completely separate weather events.
Speaker 4: I said, whether they were independent weather events that sometimes
Speaker 4: come incided. And I'm still confused because you guys are
Speaker 4: talking about distance and that's how you can tell how
Speaker 4: by the way the lightning is. And I was like,
Speaker 4: but what about it when there's no lightning and you
Speaker 4: just hear lighting?
Speaker 1: Let me rumble far away. Okay, I've got another one
Speaker 1: for you.
Speaker 3: That Africa was not actually a country and that there were,
Speaker 3: in fact, lots of countries in Africa. That's just someone
Speaker 3: who did really bad at geography. Like that's someone who
Speaker 3: needs a world map.
Speaker 1: All right. Peanuts grow in the ground, not on a tree.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 2: If you asked me twenty minutes ago where a peanut grows,
Speaker 2: I wouldn't have been able to tell you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're in the ground like potatoes.
Speaker 2: I didn't know that. Yeah, but I didn't know. I
Speaker 2: didn't think anything else. I just actually don't even know
Speaker 2: where a peanut comes from.
Speaker 1: All right, reindeeres are actually a real animal.
Speaker 2: Yep, I've seen them.
Speaker 1: And lastly, bacon and ham come from the same animal.
Speaker 2: That's interesting as an adult to not have known that peaks.
Speaker 4: Are particularly like resourceful. They do pork belly, they do ham,
Speaker 4: they do bacon. What can't they do prosrudo? They do
Speaker 4: presudo bee shootero, they can't do beef.
Speaker 3: Let's get into our lives and unsubscribes, Britt, what is
Speaker 3: your vibe or unsubscribe for the week?
Speaker 2: My unsubscribe is actually just it's something that's made me angry.
Speaker 2: It's not something I'm literally unsubscribing from, which obviously is
Speaker 2: the point of this discussion. But I have been looking
Speaker 2: for a very long time at rentals rental properties, and
Speaker 2: I am unsubscribing from the number of times you look
Speaker 2: online and you're like, this is brilliant. Look how big
Speaker 2: this space is. There's all these beautiful furniture in the photo.
Speaker 2: Then you turn up to the inspection and in fact
Speaker 2: it is a shoe box that had superimposed furniture that
Speaker 2: was like shrunk down. It's like a mini little house.
Speaker 2: But in the pictures you think you're led to believe
Speaker 2: that this is going to be the most beautiful property.
Speaker 2: It has all this space. Look at the outlook. Sometimes
Speaker 2: they photo shop like ocean in the background. Yeah, they
Speaker 2: offer window and I'm like, hang on, this is in redfern,
Speaker 2: Oh where's the ocean.
Speaker 1: It is very.
Speaker 3: Confusing because it seems counterintuitive real estates do this because
Speaker 3: you get there and you're just bitterly disappointed.
Speaker 1: I remember we went to to be fair.
Speaker 3: Though maybe they just think it's so dire that if
Speaker 3: they get you in the door and you've got not
Speaker 3: many other options, even if the house is so underwhelming,
Speaker 3: you'll just at least apply for it, which.
Speaker 2: Is so so so sad. But it is dire because
Speaker 2: that's happened. You get there and there's still thirty other
Speaker 2: people begging for the property.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well we went to one. This is ages ago.
Speaker 3: We went to one in Bronti and it's the house
Speaker 3: we ended up living in. So we did apply for it.
Speaker 3: But in pictures it looked ridiculously immaculate, had such a
Speaker 3: beautiful green grass in the backyard and like, Matt, love's
Speaker 3: a lawn. And then we got there to the inspection,
Speaker 3: it was just dirt and it was because they photoshop
Speaker 3: grass in. It was completely fake grass. And that was
Speaker 3: the most disappointing thing for Matt. He couldn't get over it.
Speaker 2: He still applied to it worked no.
Speaker 3: Because for years he tried to grow the grass in
Speaker 3: the backyard. Turns out you can't in that property.
Speaker 2: Is I went to one that had an amazing garden,
Speaker 2: like it was huge. The grass was also lushes loads
Speaker 2: of plants, and I was like, perfect, obviously I have Delilah.
Speaker 2: I get there and it's tiniest yard. It's like two
Speaker 2: by two. It's like fake astrotope. Wait, what is your unsubscribed?
Speaker 2: People faking rental listing? Just people faking like the photos
Speaker 2: on rental listings. Just you're wasting so many people's time.
Speaker 2: Let's just put up the real photos. Let's call a
Speaker 2: spatu spade. If it's a two by two that doesn't
Speaker 2: fit a dining room table, say it's a two by two,
Speaker 2: don't shrink down the furniture and supermpose it into the picture.
Speaker 1: All right, Kisha what is your viber unsubscribed?
Speaker 4: My Vibe is a podcast that I have been listening
Speaker 4: to for the past couple probably maybe four months, and
Speaker 4: they release a bunch of different episodes under the one
Speaker 4: podcast title, so it can be a little bit confusing.
Speaker 4: I have recommended prof G pods before. Prof G stands
Speaker 4: for Professor Scott Galloway. He's a professor of marketing and business,
Speaker 4: and he has a lot of different types of podcasts.
Speaker 1: He's a massive podcast during the US.
Speaker 4: I think that last year they had like thirty eight
Speaker 4: million downloads, just to give you a bit of an
Speaker 4: idea of the scale of them. But he'll have, for example,
Speaker 4: a podcast about politics, and he'll have one where he
Speaker 4: kind of just talks about whatever he wants to talk about.
Speaker 4: He'll have one where he interviews people, and this one
Speaker 4: is Prof G Markets.
Speaker 1: Now. I am not a finance.
Speaker 4: Girlie, but I really realized towards the end of last
Speaker 4: year that I actually had almost no literacy in that space.
Speaker 4: Like I just I never understood the jargon, and I
Speaker 4: really didn't have any idea what you know, financial reports
Speaker 4: are talking about, or stocks or any of that kind
Speaker 4: of thing. So I started listening to this podcast because
Speaker 4: I find it quite easy to pay attention to, I
Speaker 4: guess because they talk about things like the market of
Speaker 4: the TikTok shutdown, and they talk about other things that
Speaker 4: are happening in the pop culture space, but how that's
Speaker 4: reflected in finance. So, for example, they spoke about a
Speaker 4: couple of weeks ago, must have been maybe start of January,
Speaker 4: they spoke about how there has been this global downturn
Speaker 4: in alcohol sales and that is reflective of the fact
Speaker 4: that culturally we are starting to drink less, you know,
Speaker 4: And so I find it really palatable in that sense.
Speaker 4: And I'm not someone who who is like literate in
Speaker 4: that space. So if you also are kind of interested
Speaker 4: in how you know the TikTok shutdown could affect global markets,
Speaker 4: I guess. He also did one on predictions for how
Speaker 4: media was going to be affected in twenty twenty five,
Speaker 4: so which I obviously found very interesting. So, yeah, if
Speaker 4: you're into that kind of thing, or maybe you kind
Speaker 4: of want to dip your toe in, I have found
Speaker 4: this a really palatable way to kind of start increasing
Speaker 4: my exposure to this, and I'm thinking that I will
Speaker 4: just gradually get a little bit better at it as
Speaker 4: I'm kind of absorbing more and more. So he does
Speaker 4: it with a guy called ed Elson, and ed is
Speaker 4: quite young and he's British. I think he's like twenty six,
Speaker 4: whereas Scott would be I think he's fifty.
Speaker 1: He had a fiftieth birthday recently.
Speaker 4: So they have this really good like dichotomy of what
Speaker 4: they're interested in in their life experiences as well. So
Speaker 4: he's quite progressive for someone who is as rich as
Speaker 4: he is as wells, which I find nicer listen to,
Speaker 4: sounds great. Yeah, so prof G markets All of the
Speaker 4: PROFERG podcasts I do enjoy, but yeah, that one in particular,
Speaker 4: if you want to get a little bit more financial literacy.
Speaker 3: I have a clothing brand recommendation for you guys today,
Speaker 3: and it is one that I'm not currently wearing, which
Speaker 3: was silly, but I have been wearing it almost every
Speaker 3: day and I've gotten so many questions about it. If
Speaker 3: you are after like a cool oversized tea, or you
Speaker 3: really like patent pants, or like just things that you
Speaker 3: can wear on the reg every day and it looks
Speaker 3: like you've put effort into what you're wearing, but actually
Speaker 3: you could have rolled out of your bed, which is
Speaker 3: pretty much my style personified. It's a brand called king Acilla.
Speaker 3: They've just brought out a new collection, and I have
Speaker 3: so many pieces from their new collection, but particularly I
Speaker 3: think it's quite hard to find a good quality oversized
Speaker 3: tea that washes really well because a lot of them,
Speaker 3: you receive them and they've got like a great graphic
Speaker 3: print when you buy them online, but the print itself
Speaker 3: is that real plasticy shit print comes off well, doesn't
Speaker 3: come off, but it's just like it doesn't feel soft,
Speaker 3: you know, It's like it's not a proper screen print.
Speaker 3: The fabrics in these are beautiful, Like I've had a
Speaker 3: few pieces from them in the past, but like I've
Speaker 3: got this great matching set which I've worn all summer,
Speaker 3: took it on the cruise with me, and I just
Speaker 3: really love the brand. And I feel like I've now
Speaker 3: purchased and have so many pieces from them, and particularly
Speaker 3: from this new collection, and I think it's really hard
Speaker 3: to find brands that are hard wearing. I mean, it's
Speaker 3: not super expensive, but it's definitely not like on your cheap,
Speaker 3: cheap side, But I would say that they're pieces that
Speaker 3: you will get so much wear out and they wash
Speaker 3: really well. So if you're after good quality printed teas,
Speaker 3: the best, I have to have a look King Ascilla.
Speaker 1: I've just googled.
Speaker 3: Also Australian business which we love, female founded business as well.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure. Anyway, let's get into these questions, all right.
Speaker 3: Question number one, do I tell my husband about my
Speaker 3: past dating life, including women? My husband and I are
Speaker 3: happily married with kids. We've been together for about eight
Speaker 3: years now. He's a pretty open guy generally speaking, but
Speaker 3: we are from a conservative city, so I do sometimes
Speaker 3: hear comments from him and his family to suggest otherwise.
Speaker 3: I listened to your episode yesterday about talking about your
Speaker 3: past relationships. My husband has never wanted to hear about
Speaker 3: my past relationships, nor has he shared much about him.
Speaker 3: So here's one thing. My past few years of relationships
Speaker 3: before we got together were with women, one of which
Speaker 3: I lived with. I have no issue with my sexuality,
Speaker 3: but the years of not sharing these details with him
Speaker 3: have made this into a bigger deal in my head,
Speaker 3: and I feel like if you found out now, it
Speaker 3: would be a bit of a shock to him. So
Speaker 3: my question is, should I tell my husband I like
Speaker 3: pussy or just leave it.
Speaker 2: I think this is a I think this is an
Speaker 2: interesting question because to me, this doesn't feel different to
Speaker 2: the questions we've answered previously about do you have to
Speaker 2: tell someone about your past? Like do you have to
Speaker 2: tell a current partner about your past? I don't think
Speaker 2: it matters so much if it's a woman or a man.
Speaker 2: If you want to talk about it, talk about it.
Speaker 2: If you don't want to talk about it, you don't
Speaker 2: have to talk about it. If he doesn't want to
Speaker 2: hear it, you don't have to force it upon him.
Speaker 3: Yeah, if he's not inquiring, you don't have to give
Speaker 3: him information.
Speaker 1: Est I love pussy. It's like just to sit out
Speaker 1: and pussy like.
Speaker 2: You definitely don't have to do that, the same as
Speaker 2: you don't go I need to tell you I have
Speaker 2: suck some dick in the us, Like, you don't have
Speaker 2: to have those conversations unless it's something about you that
Speaker 2: you genuinely want to discuss, like that part of your life.
Speaker 2: Because I we've said this before, I'll say it again,
Speaker 2: but I'll keep it brief. I like to talk about
Speaker 2: my past with my partners, and I like to know
Speaker 2: about their past. Not for any other reason then I'm curious,
Speaker 2: but I also respect that Ben doesn't want to hear
Speaker 2: about it. You don't have to feel this pressure to
Speaker 2: talk about it just because it was a female and
Speaker 2: a same sex relationship.
Speaker 3: You must have been when you first started dating your husband.
Speaker 3: There must have been some concern that maybe he would
Speaker 3: judge you, or that there might not be a positive
Speaker 3: reaction for you to have completely omitted those details, because
Speaker 3: it's not like that's not like, oh, I just didn't
Speaker 3: talk about my exes, like like that's a whole different
Speaker 3: life that you just kind of were like, well, we'll
Speaker 3: just not ever speak about it.
Speaker 2: And not because it's a woman, but because like you
Speaker 2: were living with your partner totally, like it was so
Speaker 2: serious that you were living together. So it's usually like
Speaker 2: when you start dating someone, the first thing is like, like, so,
Speaker 2: what when was your last relationship?
Speaker 3: Or I mean because she's a woman, And I guess
Speaker 3: it's because like never ever speaking about that side of
Speaker 3: you means that he's probably just made the assumption that
Speaker 3: you're totally heterosexual, which you may view yourself that as that. Now,
Speaker 3: like who knows what label it is that you prefer
Speaker 3: to use to describe yourself but you may also consider
Speaker 3: yourself to be bisexual, which would probably be evident by
Speaker 3: the fact that you lived with your partner for a
Speaker 3: year and she was a female. There's no judgment in
Speaker 3: saying this. It's purely just because, like it's hard for
Speaker 3: me to get my head around. It seems crazy to
Speaker 3: me that your husband doesn't know that about you.
Speaker 2: Because it's a big part of your It's a big.
Speaker 1: Part of potentially who you are. Or maybe it's not
Speaker 1: a big part.
Speaker 3: Like I mean, everyone's sexuality is on a scale of
Speaker 3: how important it is to them, right, Like, it's very
Speaker 3: different for every single person. I would say, at this point,
Speaker 3: you've been together for eight years, don't listen to our
Speaker 3: podcast and then turn around and go, well, the girl
Speaker 3: said I should talk about my past, So I'm gonna
Speaker 3: go and tell my husband that, you know what, I
Speaker 3: used to live with a woman named Sarah. You don't
Speaker 3: have to tell him. If you think that that's going
Speaker 3: to potentially not be received, well, firstly, that's a whole
Speaker 3: other thing.
Speaker 1: That's a real shame, and like that is something that
Speaker 1: probably should be unpacked, Like if your partner has a
Speaker 1: bias towards that, or if he has negative feelings about that,
Speaker 1: because the reality is the person that you were eight
Speaker 1: years ago and the relationship that you're in doesn't have
Speaker 1: an impact on the relationship you're in now, so he
Speaker 1: shouldn't have any negative feelings about it all other than Hey,
Speaker 1: I wish you told me that. That's weird that you
Speaker 1: didn't tell me that earlier. I would have loved to
Speaker 1: have known that about you.
Speaker 2: I when I'm thinking if this was me, I always
Speaker 2: do this role reversal. If I was with Ben now
Speaker 2: for eight years, or even now after two years. If
Speaker 2: I was with Ben for eight years and then I
Speaker 2: found out that he was in a same sex relationship
Speaker 2: lived with the person like right before me for years,
Speaker 2: it wouldn't bother me that he was in the gay relationship,
Speaker 2: but I'd be like, bro, I was like eight how
Speaker 2: has this not come up?
Speaker 1: I was like eight years deep.
Speaker 2: Just because it's your past relationship and I didn't know
Speaker 2: you had ever been in a same sex relationship, I
Speaker 2: would be more shocked at the fact he hadn't told
Speaker 2: me than the fact that that was the situation.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think following on from that, Britt, I
Speaker 3: would also probably feel as though, Hey is the reason
Speaker 3: why you didn't tell me because you assumed I would judge,
Speaker 3: And is that the person that you think I am.
Speaker 1: So I don't know. In my mind.
Speaker 3: I'm like, unless you really really feel as though you
Speaker 3: need to tell him, like you have reached nirvana and
Speaker 3: you're like, my husband must know about my past, I
Speaker 3: don't think it's necessary. But also it's not a big deal,
Speaker 3: Like if you do tell him, the reaction from him
Speaker 3: shouldn't be like a freak out, and if it is
Speaker 3: freak out, that's a totally different conversation.
Speaker 2: I do wonder why you feel like this has come
Speaker 2: up now, Like I know you said, it's just you're
Speaker 2: turning it into a bigger deal in your head. Has
Speaker 2: something come up now? Has there been a conversation where
Speaker 2: you think it wouldn't be taken well and now you're
Speaker 2: overthinking it because it seems like a strange time to
Speaker 2: have for this issue to have sort of risen to
Speaker 2: the top. Well.
Speaker 3: No, she listened to our podcast episode about how we
Speaker 3: spoke about not be to your current partners about your exes,
Speaker 3: and that's why I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Don't listen to us. Do whatever's right for you and
Speaker 1: your relationship.
Speaker 2: But also if the moment ever comes up now or
Speaker 2: in four years and there's a conversation about an X
Speaker 2: or something, just drop it like it's nothing Like I would.
Speaker 2: I'd just be like, oh, when I was living with Sally,
Speaker 2: we used to split bills like this, Like however it
Speaker 2: comes up, just say it and he'll be like, who's
Speaker 2: Sally and you're like the pussy that I love? Like
Speaker 2: I would just not make it.
Speaker 1: A big deal because it's it's not a big deal.
Speaker 3: Do you gaslight and be like you knew that I
Speaker 3: told you about Sally ages ago?
Speaker 2: You know you loved Sally.
Speaker 1: Just gasline I told you when we were dating. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just like, no, don't do that.
Speaker 2: It's lying that is interesting to me. I don't think
Speaker 2: I have ever dated somebody ever in the history of
Speaker 2: dating at the start where I haven't wanted to know
Speaker 2: like their past relationship at least, like why it ended,
Speaker 2: how long ago it was, how long they were together.
Speaker 2: Like I feel like that is important for me when
Speaker 2: I'm dating, because did you break up with them yesterday?
Speaker 2: Was it five years ago? Have you ever been in
Speaker 2: a serious relationship? Like for me, that's a pretty baseline
Speaker 2: conversation I have with people totally.
Speaker 3: I know every single one of my ex boyfriends. I
Speaker 3: know who they dated and where they live.
Speaker 2: I also know their phone number, pager I sent them
Speaker 2: by a carrier.
Speaker 3: Pintuond they were in like a long term relationship prior
Speaker 3: to me, Like I know who that long term.
Speaker 2: I don't know who, Like he has a seafood allergy?
Speaker 1: Yeah, we know. Still I don't know the people that
Speaker 1: they slept with on like a random Friday night. Obviously,
Speaker 1: did they're in a long term relationship? Shut up?
Speaker 2: Or Laura handed me the shovel here because you're just
Speaker 2: digging your hole.
Speaker 1: Oh dear, it was an intolerance, actually, seafood.
Speaker 2: In tolerance, not allergy. Okay, I'm going to the next question.
Speaker 1: Question two.
Speaker 2: Okay, question two. My cousin Shelley. These are fake names
Speaker 2: because she's put them in funny years. My cousin Shelley
Speaker 2: and her husband Dean have been together for fourteen years
Speaker 2: and have three kids.
Speaker 1: She could have just left the names out all together.
Speaker 2: I think it's easier when you've got names Shelly and Dean. Yeah,
Speaker 2: my husband Shelley, her husband Dino. They've been together for
Speaker 2: fourteen years. And have three kids. Recently, they've joked about
Speaker 2: separation and divorces recently, can you joke about it's an
Speaker 2: unusual joke?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 2: My husband and I also have kids and often catch
Speaker 2: up with them. Over the past few weeks, Dean has
Speaker 2: started messaging me, saying Shelley didn't want him to talk
Speaker 2: to me, but he needed to tell me something in person.
Speaker 2: I ignored him at first, thinking it was a bit strange,
Speaker 2: but he kept insisting. I assumed that he'd found out
Speaker 2: something about my husband, as our relationship has also been
Speaker 2: very rocky. Today, when we caught up, Dean told me
Speaker 2: that he and Shelley were essentially separated, but justine together
Speaker 2: for the kids. He said he'd been unhappy for years
Speaker 2: and felt happy and comfortable around me, repeatedly complimenting me
Speaker 2: and saying he just really likes to be around me.
Speaker 2: It's clear that he has for me. I've tried to
Speaker 2: shut it down, reminding him that he and Shelley have
Speaker 2: been through a lot, and also we're family. I'm not
Speaker 2: sure how to handle this. Do I tell Shelley my cousin,
Speaker 2: what happened. I don't want her to think I'm betraying
Speaker 2: her or that I have eeling intensions. I do feel
Speaker 2: blindsided and thrown into their drama. Our family can be
Speaker 2: pretty intense and if this gets out, it'll likely cause
Speaker 2: a huge mess, and I don't want to hurt my cousin.
Speaker 2: What's the right thing to do?
Speaker 1: I think there is shutting things down and thinking you've
Speaker 1: shut things down, because if he's still messaging you, if
Speaker 1: he's still like, I have feelings for you blah blah
Speaker 1: blah blah blah.
Speaker 3: Then he must think that there is some sort of
Speaker 3: opportunity or option there. I guess my question is is
Speaker 3: how kindly did you shut it down? How kindly did
Speaker 3: you say, oh, I'm not interested.
Speaker 1: Sorry.
Speaker 3: I really want to be careful this because I don't
Speaker 3: want this to come across as judgment on you that
Speaker 3: you've done anything wrong.
Speaker 1: You absolutely haven't.
Speaker 3: But if he is not getting it from what you've
Speaker 3: said to him, it's not your responsibility to take on
Speaker 3: the burden of his actions. And I think sometimes we
Speaker 3: have to be more than clear, and by being more
Speaker 3: than clear, sometimes it might mean that you have to
Speaker 3: be rude and tell him that you are not interested
Speaker 3: and he has absolutely stepped the line and crossed the
Speaker 3: line in this and put you in a situation that
Speaker 3: you feel uncomfortable by.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but do you tell your husband and do you
Speaker 2: tell your cousin?
Speaker 1: I would tell my husband for sure, what about your cousin.
Speaker 3: I would have a conversation with Matt first. I would
Speaker 3: have a conversation with him and be like, Hey, this
Speaker 3: is what's happened. I don't know what is the best
Speaker 3: way for us to navigate this, And then I would
Speaker 3: kind of feel that out with him first, because first
Speaker 3: and foremost, like the two of you are a team.
Speaker 3: And I know you've said that you're you're rocky and
Speaker 3: that there's been some drama going on there, But if
Speaker 3: you actually want your relationship to work out and you
Speaker 3: you know, because every single couple goes through rocky patches,
Speaker 3: and if you've been to other for fifteen years, it's
Speaker 3: probably no surprise that you're going through some sort of,
Speaker 3: you know, turbulence. I would have a conversation with him,
Speaker 3: figure out what was the next plan of action, and
Speaker 3: and whether that is tell your cousin or not. The
Speaker 3: absolute first point of call is to make sure that
Speaker 3: this is shut down in a way that isn't being
Speaker 3: super overly polite. It's just like, this needs to stop.
Speaker 3: Don't message me. I don't want anything to do with
Speaker 3: this drama. And it's so inappropriate. Like if it was
Speaker 3: a friend of a friend and there was like many
Speaker 3: levels of separation, I would say, oh, just leave it.
Speaker 3: But the fact that this is happening from within your family.
Speaker 3: Not only is it your cousin, she's also a really
Speaker 3: good friend of yours. This is just so fucking messy
Speaker 3: and it's going to blow up in your face if
Speaker 3: you don't manage it well.
Speaker 2: I would I agree with everything you said, but I
Speaker 2: would also tell my cousin. I would tell Shelly if
Speaker 2: her if my cousin's husband made a pass at me.
Speaker 2: It goes beyond inappropriately making a pass. It's also going
Speaker 2: to have a flow on effect into every family event
Speaker 2: you ever have, Like you are going to feel uncomfortable constantly.
Speaker 2: You're going to have told your husband who is Then
Speaker 2: if he doesn't say anything, it's also going to be uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: But I don't know many people in that situation where
Speaker 2: the husband wouldn't go and say something someone else in
Speaker 2: the family was making a pass at your wife. Most
Speaker 2: people would go and say like, back off, what do
Speaker 2: you think you're doing? And it will turn into something
Speaker 2: I would go and I would have the conversation with
Speaker 2: my partner, but I would go and say to my cousin,
Speaker 2: I think you deserve to know this, and I don't
Speaker 2: want this to be misconstrued down the track in any
Speaker 2: way that I had any interest in it. Dean said
Speaker 2: this to me. I've never made him feel that way.
Speaker 2: I shut it down straight away, but I think it's
Speaker 2: important that.
Speaker 1: You know that he said that, because I would want
Speaker 1: to tricky, because you were just like, regardless of how
Speaker 1: that then unfolds, you are blowing that situation up. And
Speaker 1: when he's blown it up, yeah, it's not you. You're
Speaker 1: the messenger who's going to get shot, though unfortunately I
Speaker 1: don't think you will get if you are that.
Speaker 2: I think you'll get your more risk of getting shot
Speaker 2: if you keep this a secret and it manifest and
Speaker 2: it's like, why the hell didn't you tell me this,
Speaker 2: and it looks like something secret has been going on.
Speaker 2: I think in these situations, being really upfront straight away,
Speaker 2: like I came straight to you to tell you I
Speaker 2: have zero interest. I do not know where this has
Speaker 2: come from. Obviously there's something going on with you guys,
Speaker 2: and he's confused, but I think you should know. And
Speaker 2: I don't want to be involved, and I've made that clear,
Speaker 2: but like as my friend and my cousin, you deserve
Speaker 2: to know that this happened, and I'm sorry.
Speaker 3: The only problem with this is and I know that
Speaker 3: for whoever it is that's written this question in I'm
Speaker 3: so sorry you're going through this. Sometimes what happens in these
Speaker 3: types of instances when you are the person who gives
Speaker 3: the information, sometimes it can actually mean that that couple
Speaker 3: repairs their relationship, right. So instead of your cousin believing you,
Speaker 3: he might say, you know, I did it for this,
Speaker 3: this and this reasons. I love you, I'm so sorry,
Speaker 3: I never want us to be a part blah blah blah.
Speaker 3: And it in the short term anyway, fixes not fixes,
Speaker 3: but it pushes them back together because they want to
Speaker 3: fix it, right, And it means that you get shunned.
Speaker 3: So regardless of how you have this conversation, to some extent,
Speaker 3: it is going to impact your relationship with your cousin.
Speaker 3: She's not going to be able to just turn around
Speaker 3: and be like, oh, that's cool, let's hang out on Tuesday,
Speaker 3: like I love you, It's fine. There will be feelings
Speaker 3: of betrayal, of jealous of all of that stuff and
Speaker 3: all that junk that you guys might have to work through.
Speaker 3: And so I mean, like I said, I agree with
Speaker 3: you as well, brit I just don't know if I
Speaker 3: don't know if I could do it.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I could have. I wonder whether
Speaker 1: I would face it as front on as you are
Speaker 1: saying you would, or whether I would just have the
Speaker 1: conversation with him and my husband, which I know is triangulating,
Speaker 1: and I know that that is not necessarily the bravest
Speaker 1: way of going about it.
Speaker 3: But I worry about the flow on and how much
Speaker 3: impact this will have on the family if everyone is
Speaker 3: kind of involved.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and if you've listened to this podcast, like from
Speaker 2: the beginning, these types of questions have come up a lot,
Speaker 2: and my answers would have changed dramatically over the years.
Speaker 2: Four or five years ago, if you asked me, I
Speaker 2: probably would have said, don't touch it, don't get involved.
Speaker 1: It's messy.
Speaker 2: But I feel like I'm evolving and I would love
Speaker 2: to evolve with the podcast. It's different for me now
Speaker 2: I can look at this in two different ways. Okay,
Speaker 2: what would I want to know in that situation? And
Speaker 2: what do I think the flow on effect is? I
Speaker 2: have seen so many times in these situations. Imagine if
Speaker 2: you did triangulate, not intentionally, but if you're like I
Speaker 2: don't want to tell her, I'm going to tell him
Speaker 2: to back off. I'm going to talk about it to
Speaker 2: my husband. My husband might possibly talk to him. When
Speaker 2: these things inevitably come out, which they do in some
Speaker 2: form down the track, it's going to be ten times worse.
Speaker 2: That's why I think it's better now to protect yourself early.
Speaker 1: And you don't have.
Speaker 2: To make it a big deal, and you might not
Speaker 2: want to also, fine, I just think it's what I
Speaker 2: would do. I would say I don't want this to
Speaker 2: ever be misconstrued that I led anything on, that I
Speaker 2: was involved, that I wanted it, that I made advances.
Speaker 1: This happened.
Speaker 2: I feel uncomfortable, and you deserve to know. Do with
Speaker 2: it what you will. Five years ago I wouldn't have
Speaker 2: done that, but that's where I'm at now because I
Speaker 2: think does the benefit exceed the risk? That's what you
Speaker 2: always have to think when you're making these decisions, And
Speaker 2: I truly don't think that these things stay a secret forever.
Speaker 2: I don't whether it's one year or five years, something
Speaker 2: will eventually come out.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, it means it sounds like their relationships in
Speaker 3: the pits anyway, to be honest, But I wonder if
Speaker 3: she's aware just how in the pits it is. Because
Speaker 3: he can say, oh, we're pretty much separated. I wonder
Speaker 3: if she feels like they're pretty much separated. That's the
Speaker 3: question I want to know.
Speaker 2: Fuck, if your husband is hitting on your cousin, you
Speaker 2: should know. I'm just thinking now, like if my family,
Speaker 2: if my family members knew that Ben was hitting on
Speaker 2: my cousins and no one told me, it would be said.
Speaker 1: It would be so much worse.
Speaker 2: It would be so much worse because I'd be like,
Speaker 2: why am I the only person that doesn't know when
Speaker 2: I'm the only person that needs to know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree, I absolutely agree with you. I hate drama.
Speaker 1: I would just fucking not hang out with them anymore.
Speaker 1: That would probably be how I would deal with it too.
Speaker 1: But then she'll be like why yeah, true, No, all right,
Speaker 1: next question.
Speaker 3: One of my closest friends has a toxic relationship with
Speaker 3: her toddler's father. He abandoned her around the time of
Speaker 3: the birth, and for the first year of the child's
Speaker 3: life he was pretty much non existent. He has a
Speaker 3: drinking problem, has cheated on her, has said some really
Speaker 3: fucking vile thing, and he even got her pregnant again
Speaker 3: while having another girlfriend on the side.
Speaker 2: What a catch?
Speaker 1: What a catch?
Speaker 3: As you can imagine, I've been there for all of
Speaker 3: this and stepped in during his absence a lot.
Speaker 1: I obviously hate his guts.
Speaker 3: After being away from him for some time and her
Speaker 3: finally getting her life back together, he has come crawling
Speaker 3: back in and now they are back on and living together.
Speaker 3: I physically cannot bring myself to support this anymore. And
Speaker 3: I feel awful because I have distanced myself entirely for
Speaker 3: months now. Am I the one being selfish? And should
Speaker 3: I give him another chance?
Speaker 1: Because she is? I haven't told her how I feel,
Speaker 1: but my silence and absence, I would think, speaks volumes,
Speaker 1: and hers does too. How do I handle this? Oh
Speaker 1: so messy?
Speaker 3: Her silence is because she knows, she feels shameful, she
Speaker 3: feels embarrassed.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she knows you're right, she.
Speaker 3: Knows that you know everything she knows that it's unfathomable
Speaker 3: why she would give him another chance, even she doesn't
Speaker 3: understand why she's giving him another chance, but she is
Speaker 3: because she probably is so desperate for it to be
Speaker 3: the exception that this time will be different. But there
Speaker 3: is a level of embarrassment which makes you push your
Speaker 3: friends away when you go back to someone who, it's
Speaker 3: so obvious, is just hurting you.
Speaker 1: It's so hard.
Speaker 2: It's like a double edged sword because you want to
Speaker 2: be there for your friend, and it's so important that
Speaker 2: you are there for your friend, and you have been
Speaker 2: there for your friend, but there also comes a time
Speaker 2: where you need to start protecting yourself. There's only so
Speaker 2: much you can put yourself through for somebody else, especially
Speaker 2: if they're making the choice to put themselves back into
Speaker 2: the situation that they're in. It actually sounds like you're
Speaker 2: an incredible friend, like you stepped up to your friend's
Speaker 2: life when she had newborns and was alone, and sounds
Speaker 2: like you're really involved, which is amazing, and it must
Speaker 2: be really hard to watch your friend go back into
Speaker 2: that situation. But you don't have to continuously be there
Speaker 2: for somebody that doesn't want to help themselves, and I
Speaker 2: don't want that to be taken the way. What I
Speaker 2: think you need to do is let her know that
Speaker 2: you will be there for her if she needs you,
Speaker 2: but you can't support him, And like once, you've seen
Speaker 2: what the damage that he did to her, and you
Speaker 2: were the one that was there, You were the one
Speaker 2: that she was falling on for years. Sometimes people can't
Speaker 2: see it themselves. And there's a chance that she's so
Speaker 2: desperate for the family unit that most people crave. He
Speaker 2: is the father of her kids, so people give a
Speaker 2: lot more leniency when it's the father or the mother
Speaker 2: of the children. They always do and they most likely
Speaker 2: always will. And we also know that people take an
Speaker 2: average of seven times to leave a relationship that is
Speaker 2: toxic like that as well, So I think you need
Speaker 2: to give her a bit of grace and understanding. Having
Speaker 2: said that, that does not mean you need to put
Speaker 2: yourself in these situations that you don't want. I would
Speaker 2: say to her, I will be here for you, but
Speaker 2: I think you can be honest. I cannot support the
Speaker 2: relationship when I've seen the damage he has done for you.
Speaker 2: But I don't want you to think I'm abandoning you.
Speaker 2: I just can't physically be around him.
Speaker 3: I think it's quite tricky because I definitely don't and
Speaker 3: I know it's not how you meant it, Brit, but
Speaker 3: I just kind of want to like comment on it
Speaker 3: for a second. It's very easy to dismiss people who
Speaker 3: are in very toxic or violence relationships as I can't
Speaker 3: help you if you're not going to help yourself, because
Speaker 3: we know that it is so fucking hard not just
Speaker 3: to leave, but like the going back, there is such
Speaker 3: a stranglehold that the perpetrator has on the person who
Speaker 3: is the victim in this situation. You don't know the
Speaker 3: intricacies of the conversations they've had.
Speaker 1: You don't know the manipulation. Like I know that you
Speaker 1: know a lot.
Speaker 3: And obviously you've been privy to some of his abuse,
Speaker 3: but you're not privy to everything and to the nuance
Speaker 3: of how he has that stranglehold on her.
Speaker 1: I think the one thing.
Speaker 3: I absolutely agree with what you said, Britt, is that
Speaker 3: it's so important to have the conversation of I will
Speaker 3: always be here for you if you need something, if
Speaker 3: you need me, I can help you, and if you
Speaker 3: need to get out of this relationship, you have a
Speaker 3: place to come to you that's safe, like I will
Speaker 3: always be here, But it doesn't mean that you have
Speaker 3: to be there every single day trying to put the
Speaker 3: pieces back together for somebody who's in a really, really
Speaker 3: awful situation, and it's sometimes it's not possible to do that. Also,
Speaker 3: sometimes knowing that they have you there but not being
Speaker 3: the person to constantly run to to tell every single
Speaker 3: thing too, it means that they do have to deal
Speaker 3: with those big moments on their own, and dealing with
Speaker 3: it on their own also sometimes is like when they
Speaker 3: can start to see all the pieces coming together and go, Okay,
Speaker 3: this is actually a really really awful situation that I'm in.
Speaker 3: I do feel for anybody who finds themselves being the
Speaker 3: constant sounding board for a relationship that's so toxic, because
Speaker 3: it's really really exhausting and it's really really hard, and
Speaker 3: it seems so obvious when you're like, I'm telling you
Speaker 3: how bad this is, You're telling me how bad this is,
Speaker 3: and yet you keep going back to the same thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I even sometimes I think about when I had the
Speaker 3: period of dating a very fucking useless man who was
Speaker 3: like cheating on me and lying to me and all
Speaker 3: that sort of stuff you know we've talked about in
Speaker 3: the past. But one of my good friends Kaya, she
Speaker 3: saw the constant back and forth and I would tell
Speaker 3: her everything and then and then I would go back
Speaker 3: to him. And there was this one time where he
Speaker 3: cheated on me and we'd gone away together, her and
Speaker 3: I and she found out that we were getting back
Speaker 3: together again, and this has been like the third or
Speaker 3: fourth time, and she was genuinely angry. She was like,
Speaker 3: I cannot keep on having these conversations with you. She
Speaker 3: was like, I don't even really remember exactly what she said,
Speaker 3: but I knew she was angry, and I knew she
Speaker 3: was angry. But more than the anger, I was embarrassed
Speaker 3: to tell her, I was so humiliated that I didn't
Speaker 3: have the strength to leave him, Like I felt so pathetic,
Speaker 3: but that's what it does when your self esteem is
Speaker 3: so corroded, you think no one else is going to
Speaker 3: want you anyway. So I kept going back to him
Speaker 3: because I didn't think there was anything better for me,
Speaker 3: and so I know that that's hard to get your
Speaker 3: head around. But as much as she was over it,
Speaker 3: I was so fucking embarrassed. And what happens is you
Speaker 3: start to pull away from your friends and you pull
Speaker 3: away from your family because you know they're judging you.
Speaker 3: You know that they think you're an idiot. And it's
Speaker 3: the situation that this woman is in with a toddler,
Speaker 3: and it's fucking horrible. It's really really horrible, and it's
Speaker 3: very isolating. Well, the reason that I say.
Speaker 2: It's important to make them know that you will be
Speaker 2: there that when they need you and when they're ready,
Speaker 2: but to step back is I just had the conversation
Speaker 2: in my head that we had with Kate Derouge, and
Speaker 2: if you guys haven't listened to that, please go and listen.
Speaker 2: It's an incredible conversation. Whilst it's a more extreme version
Speaker 2: of this, she said something that you don't really think
Speaker 2: about unless you're in the situation. She was deep in
Speaker 2: a toxic relationship and she was deeping her drug addiction
Speaker 2: and people, her family and friends that were constantly there
Speaker 2: for her, she said, actually ended up making it worse
Speaker 2: because there was no reason to get better or to leave,
Speaker 2: because there was just someone that would always help her.
Speaker 2: And she said the reason that she ended up sort
Speaker 2: of finding a way out was because her family said
Speaker 2: to her, we are here anytime when you need us,
Speaker 2: but we will not continue to be here on the
Speaker 2: daily when you're not going to attempt to help yourself.
Speaker 2: And I know that that is an extreme version.
Speaker 3: Well, no, do you remember Terry Cole told a very
Speaker 3: similar story about her sister. Her sister was in a
Speaker 3: really toxic relationship, and she said that she was always
Speaker 3: there trying to save her and she'd almost like absorbed
Speaker 3: her sister's trauma as her own, and she was trying
Speaker 3: to be her nut and shining armor. But really what
Speaker 3: allowed her to escape that relationship was her finding her
Speaker 3: own ability to have independence. It was once she didn't
Speaker 3: have all those support systems around her, she was able
Speaker 3: to rebuild for herself. It also gave her a sense
Speaker 3: of confidence again, the sense of like I can do this.
Speaker 3: It's really hard because I know that is not the
Speaker 3: case for everyone, and you don't want to pull away
Speaker 3: from someone who's in a toxic relationship for fear of
Speaker 3: the alternate, But it is not your responsibility to continuously
Speaker 3: carry this load. And I do understand that it's a
Speaker 3: really hard load to carry when you see your friend
Speaker 3: constantly being hurt and constantly going back to relationship that's
Speaker 3: not serving them and is actually really damaging to them.
Speaker 2: And to be honest, I feel like I could almost
Speaker 2: call it their relationship's not going to work out obviously,
Speaker 2: and so she will need you and gain in the future.
Speaker 2: So I would be having that conversation and trying to
Speaker 2: make sure you're finding your life and getting on You
Speaker 2: don't have to always take people's trauma. And then the
Speaker 2: time will come where I have no doubt she'll call you.
Speaker 1: But that sucks, all right.
Speaker 3: Last question, My really good friend has his boyfriend who
Speaker 3: I've been a bit wary about because some of his
Speaker 3: political views.
Speaker 1: He follows some far right.
Speaker 3: Almost conspiracy level accounts that are hectically pro Trump and
Speaker 3: other dangerous men like Ben Shapiro, etc. He also follows
Speaker 3: a lot of OnlyFans girls accounts. Here's where it also
Speaker 3: gets a little complex. My friend is Asian and has
Speaker 3: joked about perhaps her white boyfriend being with her only
Speaker 3: because she is Asian and wondering if he has yellow fever,
Speaker 3: a very derogatory term for men who like to date
Speaker 3: Asian women because of the kink of submissive behavior. All
Speaker 3: of the women were Asian creators on his follow list.
Speaker 3: My friend doesn't have Instagram, so she won't check to
Speaker 3: see who he is following. Should I tell her about
Speaker 3: his Instagram account or just stay out of it?
Speaker 4: Fuck?
Speaker 1: I think you can tell your friend. I think you
Speaker 1: can tell her.
Speaker 2: It's hard because at the end of the day, like
Speaker 2: people can follow who they want whatever, this is different
Speaker 2: because she doesn't having herself, so she can't check herself.
Speaker 2: So I don't know. The only thing is if you
Speaker 2: do go to your friend and say I want you
Speaker 2: to know who your boyfriend's following, she's going to think, Okay,
Speaker 2: well you've got a problem with my boyfriend, and it's
Speaker 2: going to be another question to have. Like, I don't
Speaker 2: think there's anything wrong with saying if you know your friend,
Speaker 2: for example, really is not pro Trump, if you know
Speaker 2: that she has strong views political views that really don't
Speaker 2: align with what you're seeing from his account, then I
Speaker 2: think one hundred percent have that conversation. There's nothing wrong
Speaker 2: with saying, hey, did you know that your boyfriend like
Speaker 2: supports Trump and all of these other misogynistic accounts.
Speaker 1: I have a question.
Speaker 3: I'd love to know how long they've been dating for, because, like,
Speaker 3: if he is really pro Trump and has some like
Speaker 3: far right views propacy level. She's probably aware of it,
Speaker 3: Like she probably knows it's a hard thing to hide.
Speaker 3: I wonder, like, maybe this is something you care about
Speaker 3: more than she cares about, Like I wonder what is
Speaker 3: the disparity here. You definitely can flag it with her
Speaker 3: and be like, hey, I know you're not on Instagram,
Speaker 3: but like Wayne follows some really weird accounts, and like,
Speaker 3: try and do it in a softer way. Or you
Speaker 3: can send us some links to things that she can
Speaker 3: can look at and be like, hey, you know, I
Speaker 3: don't know, does it make you feel weird that he
Speaker 3: does X y Z, like whatever. I think that that
Speaker 3: is an absolutely fine conversation to have with your friend,
Speaker 3: but it is definitely very telling about your feelings about him.
Speaker 3: But you kind of want her to know anyway, So
Speaker 3: I'm like, that is probably one way you can navigate it.
Speaker 3: The only fans thing, the only fans content creators is
Speaker 3: an interesting one because there is no way of having
Speaker 3: that conversation without saying, hey, your boyfriend is fetishizing Asian girls.
Speaker 3: You know he would put it down to I have
Speaker 3: a type of course I find asian women beautiful.
Speaker 1: I find you beautiful. It's why I'm dating you exactly.
Speaker 3: You know, he's not going to say I've got yellow fever,
Speaker 3: like what an awful thing for someone to say that.
Speaker 3: He would say, Yeah, I find Asian women so attractive,
Speaker 3: hence why we're together, Like you know, we both find
Speaker 3: each other so physically attractive.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you would follow hot white guys as well.
Speaker 3: I'm not saying that his retort is the correct one,
Speaker 3: and I'm not saying that it is right. I'm just
Speaker 3: trying to give you ways in which he would explain
Speaker 3: away the things that he is doing, which would mean
Speaker 3: that you would sound like you're a bit crazy for
Speaker 3: going through and finding all these only fans people, and
Speaker 3: he would be able to explain the why of it.
Speaker 2: I wouldn't have thought the problem was that the only
Speaker 2: fans women were Asian. I think the problems more that
Speaker 2: it's just a bunch of only fans people. For me,
Speaker 2: the Asian part doesn't come into it as much as
Speaker 2: like a full on list of only fans creators like
Speaker 2: you know, obviously there was more to this question that
Speaker 2: some of them are quite like provocative and pornography like,
Speaker 2: like they were quite extreme.
Speaker 1: They're not just like ah.
Speaker 3: I think it does though, and especially when you look
Speaker 3: at the reasoning why. And I think it was a
Speaker 3: good explainer that she put in there. Really sorry to
Speaker 3: any of our Asian listeners. I'm not saying this because
Speaker 3: I would ever use a terminology. It's purely because it
Speaker 3: is in the question.
Speaker 1: She said.
Speaker 3: You know that she herself her friend has joked about
Speaker 3: perhaps her boyfriend has yellow fever, a derogatory term for
Speaker 3: men who like to date Asian women because it's kink
Speaker 3: of submissive behavior. So I do think that there are
Speaker 3: big fucking red flat but I think it's a very
Speaker 3: challenging red flag to communicate.
Speaker 2: I didn't know that the term yellow fever Asian fever
Speaker 2: was because they like the fact that Asian women are submissive.
Speaker 2: I didn't know that's what it meant. I just thought
Speaker 2: it was a type that people were attracted to people
Speaker 2: of Asian descent. I didn't know that it was because
Speaker 2: of the submissive part.
Speaker 1: To be fair, I didn't actually know that necessarily either.
Speaker 3: No, I thought it was okay Keisha's saying she did
Speaker 3: know that, Yeah, I didn't know that. I think it
Speaker 3: is problematic and I do understand why you have these concerns.
Speaker 3: My only thing is I do think your friend is
Speaker 3: going to have to figure a lot of this stuff
Speaker 3: out for herself, because as much as we can hate
Speaker 3: our friend's boyfriends and see all the fucking red flags,
Speaker 3: you can try and hold a mirror up to it,
Speaker 3: and you can try and point your friend in the
Speaker 3: right direction, which is okay, and I think do that
Speaker 3: in a soft way that doesn't totally isolate you from
Speaker 3: them as a couple. But you can't tell your friend
Speaker 3: not to date someone, or tell your friend directly how
Speaker 3: awful you think he is, because all that's going to
Speaker 3: be is a situation where she turns around and goes, oh,
Speaker 3: you hate my boyfriend.
Speaker 1: Now it's awkward.
Speaker 3: I don't want to invite you to things and him
Speaker 3: to things, And I just think it's kind of a
Speaker 3: little bit like you've got to wait this one out
Speaker 3: a little bit. I do wonder whether she kind of
Speaker 3: has an idea in some ways, because it is odd
Speaker 3: that she's making these jokes. Anyway, I feel as though
Speaker 3: if you're dating someone who's a far right and has
Speaker 3: like radical political views, you kind of do know that
Speaker 3: about them, and it may just be that she's so
Speaker 3: blinded by like you know, she's digmatized, or she really
Speaker 3: likes the guy. But as those things become more prevalent,
Speaker 3: I do think that that sort of if she cares
Speaker 3: about these issues and she is not aligned with him,
Speaker 3: it will become a wedge in that relationship and something
Speaker 3: that she will have to navigate. Anyway, I would just
Speaker 3: be conscious about how much I'm inserting myself into someone
Speaker 3: else's relationship based on Instagram accounts and who that other
Speaker 3: person follows.
Speaker 1: Anyway, Guys, that is it from us.
Speaker 2: Please sending your ask guncut questions to our Instagram. Just
Speaker 2: put ask on cut You'll always be anonymous, but we
Speaker 2: love answering them and also any act cently on field
Speaker 2: tubes or anything else you've got to send them in.
Speaker 3: You can also watch all the episodes on YouTube. Ask
Speaker 3: them Cutter is a good one to put on because
Speaker 3: it means that you can answer it with your partner
Speaker 3: and figure out or with your friends and figure out
Speaker 3: how you would navigate these questions as well.
Speaker 2: And you know the drill, So you mum, tay, dadte, doctae,
Speaker 2: friends and share the love because we love love